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00:00:04,525 --> 00:00:08,254
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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00:00:08,255 --> 00:00:09,922
Aah! Oh, my Lord!
3
00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:12,158
Please pick up.
4
00:00:12,159 --> 00:00:13,626
Please pick up.
Please pick up.
5
00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:15,495
Oh, looky, it's Trump.
6
00:00:15,496 --> 00:00:19,016
I could have sworn I said
not to give him my number!
7
00:00:19,051 --> 00:00:20,650
- Hey.
- You watching Shark Week?
8
00:00:20,685 --> 00:00:22,786
I told you ...
we have different TV here.
9
00:00:22,821 --> 00:00:24,303
I'll catch you up.
We need to kill all the sharks.
10
00:00:24,304 --> 00:00:26,705
I'm thinking march your armies
into the ocean,
11
00:00:26,706 --> 00:00:28,974
scare the sharks onto land,
then fight them here!
12
00:00:28,975 --> 00:00:30,709
How long have you thought
about this?
13
00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:32,544
How many days are in a Shark Week?
Aaah!
14
00:00:32,545 --> 00:00:34,980
The shark's going
freakin' nuts on this whale!
15
00:00:34,981 --> 00:00:37,483
Can we move this along?
I got the midterm election
16
00:00:37,484 --> 00:00:40,319
- to doodly-woodly with.
- I heard the craziest rumor
17
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,021
that you decided not to come
to Washington in September.
18
00:00:43,022 --> 00:00:45,491
Yeah, I just don't think
we should be seen together.
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00:00:45,492 --> 00:00:47,659
Maddow is like
two sips of coffee away
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00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:49,394
from cracking this
whole collusion thing.
21
00:00:49,395 --> 00:00:51,230
You didn't plan anything, did you?
22
00:00:51,231 --> 00:00:54,065
No. No, no, no. Not really...
23
00:00:54,266 --> 00:00:56,001
Did you hear Ivanka Trump
went out of business?
24
00:00:56,002 --> 00:00:58,537
I don't know what we're gonna
call my daughter now ...
25
00:00:58,538 --> 00:01:01,139
Little Stacey or something.
Oh, by the way, you don't need
26
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,040
- a wrap dress, do you?
- Why would I need that?
27
00:01:03,041 --> 00:01:04,975
If you change your mind,
I got a few lying around.
28
00:01:04,976 --> 00:01:06,544
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
29
00:01:06,545 --> 00:01:08,979
You're back to screaming way
too loud. Is it another shark?
30
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,749
Even scarier ... Cuomo's running
another Michael Cohen tape!
31
00:01:11,750 --> 00:01:14,018
Gimme a Coke, please.
Hey, I got two hours free.
32
00:01:14,019 --> 00:01:16,354
Let's list my crimes
in alphabetical order.
33
00:01:16,355 --> 00:01:18,556
Ooh, doggy!
I'm driving down Treason Street
34
00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:21,999
with my muffler spraying sparks
and Mueller in hot pursuit!
35
00:01:22,034 --> 00:01:23,860
Ooh! Hold on.
Hannity's calling.
36
00:01:23,895 --> 00:01:25,929
- I'll patch him in.
- Oh, guys, I really have to go.
37
00:01:25,930 --> 00:01:27,931
- Sean's on.
- God damn it! Son of a bitch!
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00:01:27,932 --> 00:01:30,535
Putin, you watching Shark Week?
You got it over there?
39
00:01:30,536 --> 00:01:32,403
- You got sharks?
- Oh, Shark Week? No.
40
00:01:32,404 --> 00:01:33,640
What's that?
I guess I don't have it.
41
00:01:33,695 --> 00:01:36,606
You know, before Trump,
there was no Shark Week.
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00:01:36,607 --> 00:01:38,608
It was just
Elizabeth Warren claiming her
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00:01:38,609 --> 00:01:40,868
great-great-great-great
grandmother was an orca.
44
00:01:40,944 --> 00:01:44,013
- Just gonna lie down on the floor.
- Say, uh, Trumpy, you know
45
00:01:44,014 --> 00:01:46,749
if Cohen has any tapes
on innocent little baby Sean?
46
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,918
Hmm. Depends.
Did you talk to him out loud?
47
00:01:48,919 --> 00:01:51,087
Crap! Okay, at least,
if this all goes to hell,
48
00:01:51,088 --> 00:01:53,290
- Putin will put us up in Russia.
- Nope!
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00:01:53,291 --> 00:01:55,925
That'll be great.
Fuzzy hats, small, loud car,
50
00:01:55,926 --> 00:01:58,928
me and some teens doing
backflips on power lines.
51
00:01:58,929 --> 00:02:02,532
- Okay, I got to go.
- No, you hang up first.
52
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,201
Okay.
53
00:02:05,803 --> 00:02:09,405
Everyone
watching this is hereby pardoned.
54
00:02:09,406 --> 00:02:12,558
1x13 - Loyalty Oath
55
00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:15,534
Ah, there we are.
56
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:17,403
That's me and my Cabinet.
57
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:20,572
We're thick as thieves,
but it wasn't always this way.
58
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:27,046
Summer vacation!
No parents, no responsibilities,
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00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,748
no returning migrant children
to their parents.
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00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:32,919
I finally have time to watch
all the cable news channels.
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00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,321
Tonight, I drive at a point
about Russian banks
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00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,756
for 45 minutes only to swerve
at the last second,
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00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:41,587
dive out of my car, and watch
it go careening into a gorge.
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00:02:41,622 --> 00:02:44,863
But first, today, the Interim
Deputy Director of Communications,
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00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:48,433
who is Betsy DeVos' chatty
manicurist, abruptly quit.
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00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,668
I'm not worried.
She'll keep her mouth shut.
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00:02:50,669 --> 00:02:53,538
- And according to her new book...
- Wow. That was quick.
68
00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:57,876
...Trump recently left a voicemail
for Stormy Daniels saying,
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00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,845
quote, "I still think about you, Stormy.
70
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,612
Come work for me
at the White House.
71
00:03:01,613 --> 00:03:03,114
It's just like 'The Apprentice.'
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00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:05,750
Every Sunday, someone gets
fired, and several people
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00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:08,887
are taking a break from touring
with a hair metal band to be here."
74
00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:11,957
These staff departures,
these leaks,
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00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:14,759
indicate that President Trump
has a disloyal team
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00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,395
just as Special Counsel
Robert Mueller
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00:03:17,396 --> 00:03:19,776
searches for defectors.
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00:03:24,802 --> 00:03:27,571
Melania!
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00:03:27,572 --> 00:03:30,574
What can't wait for two weeks
when I see you next?
80
00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:33,310
There's this new guy hanging
around ... Bobby Mueller.
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00:03:33,311 --> 00:03:35,712
He's, like,
totally obsessed with me.
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00:03:35,713 --> 00:03:38,202
He's trying to steal all
my friends, and it's like,
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00:03:38,203 --> 00:03:41,585
"Dude, they only like you because you
can keep them from dying in prison."
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00:03:41,586 --> 00:03:44,554
Hmm.
I don't want to die in prison.
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00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:46,156
Oh, now you're into him, too?
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00:03:46,157 --> 00:03:49,326
Melania, here's a reality
check ... he drives a Mercury.
87
00:03:49,327 --> 00:03:51,160
And did you know he's 73?
88
00:03:51,161 --> 00:03:53,596
I mean, why's this old guy
still hanging around with us?
89
00:03:53,597 --> 00:03:55,831
Talk about a creep-o-holic.
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00:03:55,832 --> 00:03:58,366
- Melania?
- Shut up and go to bed!
91
00:04:00,437 --> 00:04:03,907
- Dad, are you okay in there?
- Don't come in my room!
92
00:04:03,908 --> 00:04:08,278
- Are you doing drugs in there, young man?
- Talk to us, Dad.
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00:04:08,279 --> 00:04:10,813
We can't help you
if you don't talk to us.
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00:04:10,814 --> 00:04:12,815
What's eatin' atcha?
95
00:04:12,816 --> 00:04:16,319
- Did you just find out about Paul Walker?
- It's Robert Mueller.
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00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,022
I just know
he's gonna steal my friends.
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00:04:19,023 --> 00:04:21,291
Dad, if you wanna whip
your squad into shape,
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00:04:21,292 --> 00:04:23,659
just snap a towel
on your scrote, and/or taint,
99
00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:26,528
- in the White House locker room.
- Just be nice to them, Dad.
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00:04:26,529 --> 00:04:30,566
I had three friends in high school ...
the Tucker twins, awesome,
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00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:33,684
and the nurse's assistant
Blanche Henderman ... and it's all
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00:04:33,719 --> 00:04:36,004
because I let them
pet the frogs in my locker.
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00:04:36,005 --> 00:04:38,974
Those are both great strategies,
but I vowed to never give
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00:04:38,975 --> 00:04:40,476
Don positive reinforcement,
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00:04:40,477 --> 00:04:44,947
- so we're going with Eric's.
- Wait'll I tell Blanche!
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00:04:44,948 --> 00:04:47,649
So, team, the leaks are kind
of a bummer.
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00:04:47,650 --> 00:04:50,685
What if, any time you want
to share a secret,
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00:04:50,686 --> 00:04:54,289
you just whisper it into
a pillow? Like this...
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00:04:54,290 --> 00:04:55,890
I hate my stupid Cabinet!
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00:04:55,891 --> 00:04:57,859
Why can't they all be like
Mike Pence ...
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00:04:57,860 --> 00:05:00,461
as loyal and dumb
as a basset hound?
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00:05:01,964 --> 00:05:04,365
Washington Post push notification ...
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00:05:04,366 --> 00:05:06,700
"Trump Confronts Staff about Leaks."
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00:05:06,701 --> 00:05:10,871
Okay, we just talked about this!
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00:05:10,872 --> 00:05:12,873
"Trump Marvels
at the Speed of Leaks."
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00:05:12,874 --> 00:05:16,643
All right, everyone show me
your hands.
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00:05:16,644 --> 00:05:21,182
"Breaking: Trump Has Never Heard
of Texting with Your Toes."
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00:05:21,183 --> 00:05:24,910
I see what's going on here.
I've got a six-pack
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00:05:24,945 --> 00:05:27,355
and pecs you could bounce a coin off!
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00:05:27,356 --> 00:05:30,724
"Trump Unaware of Bulbous Breasts."
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00:05:30,725 --> 00:05:32,323
Damn it!
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00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:35,095
Oh, get this, Karen J.
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00:05:35,096 --> 00:05:39,866
This weekend, my Michael is taking
me to Old Sturbridge Village.
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00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:41,834
Karen, I need your ear.
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00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:44,904
I gotta go, but it's this
whole town that still looks
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00:05:44,905 --> 00:05:49,529
- like the 19th century ...
- Karen! We only pay for 12 minutes a month!
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00:05:49,564 --> 00:05:52,295
- They have candle making. Bye.
- As a reward for my loyalty,
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00:05:52,296 --> 00:05:57,517
the President has invited me to
Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida!
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00:05:57,518 --> 00:06:00,286
Sweet cherries in summer!
130
00:06:00,287 --> 00:06:03,289
But, Michael, do you really
want to socialize
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00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,092
with someone who fornicates
with Playboy models
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00:06:06,093 --> 00:06:08,895
and has still failed
to bring the end of days?
133
00:06:08,896 --> 00:06:11,631
But I'm finally part
of the cool inner circle.
134
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:15,034
You forget that just two
years ago, I was another
135
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:19,050
Podunk governor enabling
another statewide AIDS epidemic.
136
00:06:19,085 --> 00:06:21,807
Okay, Michael.
I'll start packing.
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00:06:21,808 --> 00:06:24,744
It's not really your scene, Karen.
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00:06:24,745 --> 00:06:26,879
There's going to be drinks
with umbrellas.
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00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,915
Plus, people will be sleeping over
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00:06:28,916 --> 00:06:32,477
and probably stealing
each other's underpants.
141
00:06:35,556 --> 00:06:38,724
Why do you want us to steal
Jared's fingerprints?
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00:06:38,725 --> 00:06:40,292
We're going down, boys.
143
00:06:40,293 --> 00:06:43,596
Time to pin this all on him
and take the red eye to Moscow.
144
00:06:43,597 --> 00:06:46,898
Dad, I want to tell you the tale
of another embattled president
145
00:06:46,899 --> 00:06:49,234
with striking good looks ...
Richard Nixon.
146
00:06:49,235 --> 00:06:51,270
He was accused of criminal activity,
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00:06:51,271 --> 00:06:53,338
and everyone thought
his goose was cooked.
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00:06:53,339 --> 00:06:56,841
So, he got rid of his disloyal
staffers, rallied his squad,
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00:06:56,842 --> 00:06:59,744
and became one of the greatest
presidents in history,
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00:06:59,745 --> 00:07:02,954
living well into the mid-'90s,
which means,
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00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:07,018
before he died,
he got to see Backdraft.
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00:07:07,019 --> 00:07:08,987
Don, what are you talking about?
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00:07:08,988 --> 00:07:12,023
He resigned in shame and
was mostly likely too infirm
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00:07:12,024 --> 00:07:15,194
- to see Backdraft in theaters.
- Oh. Well...
155
00:07:15,195 --> 00:07:17,162
swap out Nixon for Bill Clinton.
156
00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:19,763
Don was right ...
being the coolest,
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00:07:19,764 --> 00:07:21,865
fastest guy in school
wouldn't be enough.
158
00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:24,635
I had to show my friends
I could turn them into royalty
159
00:07:24,636 --> 00:07:27,138
and, if that didn't work,
threaten to tell everyone
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00:07:27,139 --> 00:07:29,273
their mothers worked in the cafeteria
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00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:30,975
and gave birth to them
into a hairnet.
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00:07:30,976 --> 00:07:33,177
I heard Mueller's got a tattoo.
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00:07:33,178 --> 00:07:36,614
I heard he's got a gun
and has seen a boob.
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00:07:36,615 --> 00:07:38,449
- Awooga.
- A boob?
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00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:40,000
- Okay!
- So cool.
166
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,285
Hey, what are you guys
talking about?
167
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,621
Oh, you know... just Robert Mueller.
168
00:07:43,622 --> 00:07:46,357
Never heard of him.
Anyways, we promised ourselves
169
00:07:46,358 --> 00:07:48,326
we'd make this the best summer ever,
170
00:07:48,327 --> 00:07:52,462
and we can't let Special Counsel
Robert S. Mueller III get in our way,
171
00:07:52,463 --> 00:07:54,998
so please sign your new
non-disclosure agreements.
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00:07:54,999 --> 00:07:58,168
Signing something without
reading it is the American way.
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00:07:58,169 --> 00:08:00,703
Hey, what's this paragraph
on destroying all evidence
174
00:08:00,704 --> 00:08:02,805
of our existence
at the end of each day?
175
00:08:02,806 --> 00:08:04,641
Oh, that's just standard
lawyer stuff.
176
00:08:04,642 --> 00:08:07,010
Why does it have
a "Do Not Resuscitate" order?
177
00:08:07,011 --> 00:08:08,878
Are you a lawyer?
Because you're acting
178
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,515
- like you think you're a lawyer.
- Mr. President, look!
179
00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:14,651
I already signed every page in
three different types of fluid.
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00:08:14,652 --> 00:08:17,393
Thanks, now how about
the people I respect?
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00:08:17,655 --> 00:08:20,890
- Fine. Stephen, get forging.
- Of course, sir.
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00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,225
Just give me a few minutes
to replenish my fluids.
183
00:08:25,028 --> 00:08:27,429
Thanks for coming, Steven.
184
00:08:27,430 --> 00:08:30,266
I wasn't sure about Jewish
dietary restrictions,
185
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:33,101
so I had the kid from Shakey's
take the pizza apart
186
00:08:33,102 --> 00:08:35,204
and put each ingredient
in a separate bag.
187
00:08:35,205 --> 00:08:37,573
Anything for the man
who officiated my wedding
188
00:08:37,574 --> 00:08:40,176
and gave that satanic pact
a wholesome veneer.
189
00:08:40,177 --> 00:08:42,444
Not to puff you my own spinnaker,
190
00:08:42,445 --> 00:08:46,215
but President Trump has invited
me for dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
191
00:08:46,216 --> 00:08:48,884
- Eck.
- I know, it is quite an honor,
192
00:08:48,885 --> 00:08:50,686
but I don't know how to handle myself
193
00:08:50,687 --> 00:08:53,255
around these
cooked-corn-eating types.
194
00:08:53,256 --> 00:08:55,457
Every sweaty trip down there
is the same ...
195
00:08:55,458 --> 00:08:58,227
Trump rambles about someone
who's been dead for 30 years,
196
00:08:58,228 --> 00:09:00,195
then a marina owner
with chest hair dandruff
197
00:09:00,196 --> 00:09:04,199
- leans over your table to take a selfie.
- Men with chest hair?
198
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,035
My goodness, I didn't know
there'd be Italians there.
199
00:09:07,036 --> 00:09:09,738
All right, I gotta go print
a sheet of money for Louise.
200
00:09:09,739 --> 00:09:11,707
She's eff'd in the head,
but I love her.
201
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:13,608
Oh, by the way,
I pissed in your vase.
202
00:09:15,211 --> 00:09:18,747
Because some of you refuse to sign
a non-disclosure agreement,
203
00:09:18,748 --> 00:09:20,749
your punishment is you have to stand
204
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:23,051
by that fence
for the next three days.
205
00:09:23,052 --> 00:09:25,887
I saw Robert Mueller smoking
a cigarette by that fence.
206
00:09:25,888 --> 00:09:29,087
- Unfiltered!
- Ooh! - Wow!
207
00:09:29,122 --> 00:09:31,426
Then your punishment
is to stay away from the fence.
208
00:09:31,427 --> 00:09:33,894
Good, we didn't want to stand
near the fence anyway.
209
00:09:33,895 --> 00:09:35,763
- Back on the fence!
- Yes, it worked!
210
00:09:35,764 --> 00:09:38,730
- We get to hang by the fence!
- Look, you can stand
211
00:09:38,765 --> 00:09:40,901
near the fence if you
promise not to leak anything.
212
00:09:40,902 --> 00:09:42,669
Promise!
213
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:46,440
It'd be awesome if Mueller was here.
Anyone got his number?
214
00:09:46,441 --> 00:09:50,333
He's probably busy bench
pressing in his basement.
215
00:09:50,368 --> 00:09:51,645
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, baby!
216
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,748
Bench pressing is
really good for your body.
217
00:09:53,749 --> 00:09:55,950
♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
218
00:09:55,951 --> 00:09:57,584
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
219
00:09:57,585 --> 00:10:01,188
And that's how you get gum
out of your cat's whiskers.
220
00:10:01,189 --> 00:10:03,657
Thank you very much,
Second Lady Karen Pence.
221
00:10:03,658 --> 00:10:07,678
Before we go, a very
happy 135th birthday
222
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,622
- to Benito Mussolini.
- Ooh, I wonder what he wished for.
223
00:10:10,657 --> 00:10:13,725
- Probably not be strung up by his feet!
- And we're clear.
224
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,869
Guys, I need some straight talk.
225
00:10:15,870 --> 00:10:18,171
Michael got invited
to Mar-a-Lago.
226
00:10:18,172 --> 00:10:19,306
- Mar-a-Lago!
- Ooh, boy!
227
00:10:19,307 --> 00:10:22,609
- The bread there is free!
- I'm a little worried that
228
00:10:22,610 --> 00:10:24,378
the trip is going to change him.
229
00:10:24,379 --> 00:10:26,846
He's gotta change if he wants
to hang with the in-crowd.
230
00:10:26,847 --> 00:10:29,983
That's right. I swapped
out my teeth for piano keys
231
00:10:29,984 --> 00:10:32,051
and have slept in
a tanning bead since age 18.
232
00:10:32,052 --> 00:10:36,006
And sure, I'm covered in blisters
the size of personal pizzas,
233
00:10:36,007 --> 00:10:37,691
but now I'm camera-ready!
234
00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:41,527
I did see him perusing
the teeth on teeth.com,
235
00:10:41,528 --> 00:10:44,697
and we only get seven
minutes of Internet a month!
236
00:10:46,032 --> 00:10:49,134
Hey, do you guys mind
if I hang out at the fence?
237
00:10:49,135 --> 00:10:52,305
I-I-I stole a cool spy thing
from the State Department.
238
00:10:52,306 --> 00:10:53,573
We don't really play
239
00:10:53,574 --> 00:10:56,375
- with toys here, m'kay?
- Right. Me, neither.
240
00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:59,011
I just wanted to show you
how lame it is.
241
00:10:59,012 --> 00:11:00,746
- Is that Mueller?
- Whoa!
242
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,515
- Quality vehicle.
- Honk honk!
243
00:11:02,516 --> 00:11:05,150
What is that ... a 2013 blue car?
244
00:11:05,151 --> 00:11:08,321
I have like 30 2013 blue cars.
245
00:11:08,322 --> 00:11:13,194
He just does not give an eff.
246
00:11:13,229 --> 00:11:14,860
- Maybe he wants to hang out.
- Oh, yeah!
247
00:11:14,861 --> 00:11:17,328
- You think so?
- How about instead we all head
248
00:11:17,329 --> 00:11:18,996
to Mar-a-Lago
for the weekend?
249
00:11:18,997 --> 00:11:21,032
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
250
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:23,735
All expenses paid by the taxpayers!
251
00:11:23,736 --> 00:11:25,503
- Mm, mnh-mnh.
- I gotta stay here.
252
00:11:25,504 --> 00:11:28,239
We'll take the money from the
Child Health Insurance Program.
253
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,294
Suck it, poor kids!
254
00:11:32,261 --> 00:11:34,429
- Hannity!
- President Trump has flown
255
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:36,297
his Cabinet
to the Southern White House
256
00:11:36,298 --> 00:11:38,633
for some bellinis, bonding,
and big-dogging.
257
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:40,468
Donald, in case you want me there,
258
00:11:40,469 --> 00:11:43,104
I've booked myself
on every flight from New York
259
00:11:43,105 --> 00:11:45,139
to Palm Beach
for the next three months.
260
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:46,908
I got all your beach essentials ...
261
00:11:46,909 --> 00:11:49,243
tinny speaker,
three types of paddle game,
262
00:11:49,244 --> 00:11:53,247
and a pair of chunky flip flops
to throw at loud, Hispanic teens.
263
00:11:54,682 --> 00:11:58,752
Whoa. First, Mike, let me just
say, you look dynamite.
264
00:11:58,753 --> 00:12:01,255
Like a Norman Rockwell
painting come to life
265
00:12:01,256 --> 00:12:04,158
and won a shopping spree
at a hotel lobby clothing store.
266
00:12:04,159 --> 00:12:07,494
- What the hell did you do to your face?
- It cost a pretty penny.
267
00:12:07,495 --> 00:12:10,864
I had to chancel the Pence family
trip to Old Sturbridge Village.
268
00:12:10,865 --> 00:12:13,334
To make some cash,
I'm moonlighting as a night
269
00:12:13,335 --> 00:12:16,581
- watchman at a Jet Ski warehouse.
- Wow.
270
00:12:16,616 --> 00:12:18,505
Whatever you did, and you
might have just told me
271
00:12:18,506 --> 00:12:20,774
but I wasn't listening,
it looks good on you.
272
00:12:20,775 --> 00:12:22,976
I'll tell you what ...
you've earned yourself
273
00:12:22,977 --> 00:12:25,178
one celebrity phone call.
274
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:27,780
I've always wanted to chat
with Neil Sedaka.
275
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:31,884
Evander Holyfield coming up!
276
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,886
It's really ringing.
277
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,030
Classic Evander.
278
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,132
You've reached Evander Holy...
279
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,700
- Still pretty neat.
- Right?
280
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:51,004
So, listen, Mike, I'm gonna
need you to do me a solid.
281
00:12:51,005 --> 00:12:53,840
Oh, this isn't anything that's
gonna get me in trouble, is it?
282
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:56,476
You know what, I'll just ask
Scott Pruitt to do it.
283
00:12:56,477 --> 00:12:58,478
He poisoned a city's
water supply in exchange
284
00:12:58,479 --> 00:13:02,482
- for an iTunes gift card.
- Wait! I-I'd be honored, Mr. President.
285
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:07,887
I have a confession that the
American people deserve to hear.
286
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:11,591
It wasn't Donald who made love
to Mrs. Stormy Daniels
287
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:13,392
and paid for her silence.
288
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,728
- It was me.
- Mike Pence?
289
00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:17,262
Christmas crackers!
290
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:20,232
I'm sorry for the pain I caused
and thank my wife, Karen,
291
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:24,871
- for sticking by my side.
- Get to the juicy stuff!
292
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:29,008
Of course. I could sense that
Stormy was interested in me,
293
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:32,110
so I put my crucifix in a drawer
294
00:13:32,111 --> 00:13:36,280
and downed a-a glass of milk
off the room service cart.
295
00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:38,550
Ooh, this is getting good!
296
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,019
I then asked her if I could
place my hand
297
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:43,788
- on her upper shoulder.
- Stop holding back, Mikey!
298
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:46,691
Okay, um...
299
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,694
I [bleep] then [bleep] her,
300
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,994
then she [bleep] my [bleep] [bleep].
301
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:58,570
Where did you even learn
to say those heinous words?
302
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,439
I overheard Steve Mnuchin
calling his wife.
303
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,474
You know I didn't do any of that stuff.
304
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:05,744
I just have to do right by the boss.
305
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:09,279
But what kind of boss
makes you say those things?
306
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:13,283
Pace yourself, Karen. Tomorrow,
he's having me ram our car
307
00:14:13,284 --> 00:14:15,719
into Hillary Clinton's yoga class.
308
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,955
Sure, Mike was in hot water,
309
00:14:17,956 --> 00:14:21,491
but at least my summer was
on track... or so I thought.
310
00:14:21,492 --> 00:14:23,627
Mike, that was amazing.
311
00:14:23,628 --> 00:14:25,596
I thought you were gonna die up there.
312
00:14:25,597 --> 00:14:27,998
I mean, your heart stopped
for two minutes.
313
00:14:27,999 --> 00:14:30,434
It was my... pleasure, Mr. President.
314
00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,570
Okay, okay, what's going on,
everyone?
315
00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:35,072
Are you guys jealous you didn't
get to take the fall?
316
00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:38,075
What you made Mike
do was messed up.
317
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:40,410
Robert Mueller would never
do that to us.
318
00:14:40,411 --> 00:14:43,280
Okay, whoa-ho.
Back up. Mueller's lame.
319
00:14:43,281 --> 00:14:45,915
He's been married to the same
wife for, like, 50 years.
320
00:14:45,916 --> 00:14:48,651
He's so dumb, he couldn't get
out of fighting in Vietnam.
321
00:14:48,652 --> 00:14:51,154
And get this ... instead of
going to work for his dad,
322
00:14:51,155 --> 00:14:52,355
he totally studied hard
323
00:14:52,356 --> 00:14:55,792
- at University of Virginia Law School.
- Yeah, he's great.
324
00:14:55,793 --> 00:14:58,161
I don't want to hear the word
"Mueller" ever again.
325
00:14:58,162 --> 00:14:59,796
- Got it?
- Mueller.
326
00:14:59,797 --> 00:15:01,931
- I heard that, Mattis!
- What?
327
00:15:01,932 --> 00:15:05,835
I just said "mole hair," as in
"Donald Trump has hairy moles."
328
00:15:07,171 --> 00:15:09,007
- Ohh, shit.
- He played ya on that!
329
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,850
Take it back!
330
00:15:10,885 --> 00:15:14,478
You guys are never coming
to my parties again!
331
00:15:14,479 --> 00:15:16,646
Shut up in there!
332
00:15:17,247 --> 00:15:21,117
Please forgive me for what I must do.
333
00:15:21,118 --> 00:15:22,885
Karen J., it's Karen P.
334
00:15:22,886 --> 00:15:25,722
Does Karen W.'s estranged gay
son still work at the Post?
335
00:15:25,723 --> 00:15:28,653
I need you to get him a message.
336
00:15:28,659 --> 00:15:32,461
"President Trump bribed
Vice President Michael Pence
337
00:15:32,462 --> 00:15:37,700
with a trip to Mar-a-Lago in
exchange for his tearful confession."
338
00:15:37,701 --> 00:15:41,638
Oh, no way, José!
Who would leak such a thing?
339
00:15:41,639 --> 00:15:43,923
Karen, I see Karen J., Karen W.,
340
00:15:43,924 --> 00:15:47,644
and Karen L.'s fingerprints
all over this.
341
00:15:47,645 --> 00:15:51,747
Okay, I did it!
Karens J., W., and L. helped.
342
00:15:51,748 --> 00:15:56,752
But go easy on Karen L. ...
she's still reeling from Roseanne.
343
00:15:56,753 --> 00:15:59,054
You're gonna get me
in big trouble, Missy.
344
00:15:59,055 --> 00:16:00,856
Donald was right about you.
345
00:16:00,857 --> 00:16:04,527
- You're a bit of a w-w-w-w...
- A bit of a what?
346
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:08,364
- Just say it, Michael!
- A wet blanket!
347
00:16:08,365 --> 00:16:12,000
I'm gonna get fired, Karen.
You want to move back to Indiana?
348
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,403
I gave everybody AIDS!
349
00:16:14,404 --> 00:16:15,871
Did you guys know
350
00:16:15,872 --> 00:16:18,607
- I gave testimony to Mueller?
- What?!
351
00:16:18,608 --> 00:16:22,144
- Oh, my goodness, how was it?
- It was all right, I guess...
352
00:16:22,145 --> 00:16:24,580
Oh, who am I kidding?
It was great!
353
00:16:24,581 --> 00:16:26,914
Not as great as I'd built up
in my head, you know,
354
00:16:26,915 --> 00:16:30,151
- but still ... what a ride.
- Wow.
355
00:16:30,152 --> 00:16:33,321
I guess our trip to Mar-a-Lago
meant nothing to you people.
356
00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:37,091
I had a terrible time there.
I saw a flamingo choke on a cigar.
357
00:16:37,092 --> 00:16:39,894
I saw a 90-year-old man
have an orgasm.
358
00:16:39,895 --> 00:16:43,764
Look, if you want to hang
with Bob Mueller, one phone call
359
00:16:43,765 --> 00:16:46,967
and I can replace any one
of you with Henry Kissinger.
360
00:16:55,344 --> 00:16:57,278
Wow.
Most powerful guy in the world.
361
00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:00,848
You've reached Evander...
362
00:17:00,849 --> 00:17:02,016
No one say a word.
363
00:17:06,955 --> 00:17:09,523
According to three dozen
ladies named "Karen"
364
00:17:09,524 --> 00:17:12,093
and several "Dotties,"
White House Cabinet members
365
00:17:12,094 --> 00:17:14,795
are considering giving
testimony to Robert Mueller,
366
00:17:14,796 --> 00:17:17,031
who's also investigating
a bribe to Mike Pence.
367
00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:20,201
Wait, Dad. Are you going to jail?
That's so cool!
368
00:17:20,202 --> 00:17:24,271
If you go to jail,
is Mike Pence my new dad?
369
00:17:24,272 --> 00:17:27,442
Don't worry, boys.
There's someone I can call
370
00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:29,043
who will know just what to do.
371
00:17:32,513 --> 00:17:35,014
- Hey, Putin.
- Hey! Hold on.
372
00:17:35,015 --> 00:17:37,351
This will, uh, just be a second.
373
00:17:37,352 --> 00:17:39,786
Hey, there's my guy!
How's president going?
374
00:17:39,787 --> 00:17:41,722
- What year are you?
- Second year.
375
00:17:41,723 --> 00:17:45,492
Wow. Sophomore.
How old are you now ... 63, 64?
376
00:17:45,493 --> 00:17:48,629
- Putin, I'm 72.
- Wow. You're growing so fast.
377
00:17:48,630 --> 00:17:50,464
I'm gonna blink, and you'll be dead.
378
00:17:50,465 --> 00:17:53,166
Hey, uh, things are not
working out over here.
379
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:56,970
Uh, do you think my family
and I could come stay with you?
380
00:17:56,971 --> 00:17:59,376
You... still there?
381
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,498
Yeah, you know,
I'd love that, kiddo, but, uh,
382
00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:04,177
Putin's got a lot going on right
now with this whole Russia thing.
383
00:18:04,178 --> 00:18:05,912
But, uh, you know, look at the moon
384
00:18:05,913 --> 00:18:08,148
and know that I'm looking
at the same one.
385
00:18:08,149 --> 00:18:10,048
- Really?
- No, it's daytime here.
386
00:18:10,049 --> 00:18:13,051
But, uh, the sentiment.
Okay, byyye.
387
00:18:14,554 --> 00:18:16,656
Old Sturbridge Village
388
00:18:16,657 --> 00:18:19,425
is New England's largest
outdoor living history museum.
389
00:18:19,426 --> 00:18:21,193
It's a beloved travel destination
390
00:18:21,194 --> 00:18:23,396
for lovebirds who like candle making.
391
00:18:23,397 --> 00:18:24,863
And every Thursday,
392
00:18:24,864 --> 00:18:27,767
it's free admission
for anyone named "Karen."
393
00:18:27,768 --> 00:18:30,403
Michael, I'm sorry for what I did.
394
00:18:30,404 --> 00:18:35,374
I wish God wanted me to
apologize, too, but Romans 13 says,
395
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:39,011
"The authorities that exist
are appointed by the Lord."
396
00:18:39,012 --> 00:18:42,281
God made Donald Trump president
and to not take credit
397
00:18:42,282 --> 00:18:46,418
for plowing an adult film star
is an affront to our Lord.
398
00:18:46,419 --> 00:18:48,020
Now if you'll excuse me,
399
00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:50,689
I have to study for
the Shenandoah Valley Jet Ski
400
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:54,193
- Salesperson Certification Test.
- Okay!
401
00:18:54,194 --> 00:18:56,929
Well... good luck!
402
00:18:57,230 --> 00:19:00,065
My summer
dream job at the White House
403
00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:02,301
was turning into a summer nightmare.
404
00:19:02,302 --> 00:19:04,102
Little did I know,
405
00:19:04,103 --> 00:19:07,272
a certain special someone
was about to wake me up.
406
00:19:07,273 --> 00:19:09,208
Oh, and then Sanders would say,
407
00:19:09,209 --> 00:19:12,144
"Here's the update of all the
good news of the presidency."
408
00:19:12,145 --> 00:19:14,746
And then Kelly's like,
"You gotta do this."
409
00:19:14,747 --> 00:19:18,483
And then Carson's like,
"I don't know what's going on."
410
00:19:18,484 --> 00:19:22,654
Hello, M-Mr. President?
Where are all your little buddies?
411
00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:26,991
- They're all drooling over Robert Mueller.
- Oh, Karens L. through X.
412
00:19:26,992 --> 00:19:30,127
and 2/3 of the Dotties
aren't talking to me, either.
413
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:32,964
I'm sorry for leaking
that story to the press.
414
00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:36,300
I forgot about what's
really most important ...
415
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,237
keeping TV's Donald Trump
in the White House.
416
00:19:39,238 --> 00:19:41,239
You know, when I took
this President job,
417
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,807
I was the new kid in town.
418
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,809
I talked funny,
my suits were too big,
419
00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:47,278
I started lashing out,
demanding loyalty,
420
00:19:47,279 --> 00:19:49,981
and shredding the very fabric
of our democracy.
421
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:52,483
I'll just say it ...
I was acting like a bit of a nut.
422
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:54,150
Loyalty is tricky.
423
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,153
That's why Michael and I
have an open relationship.
424
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,456
- What?
- Whenever Michael talks to me,
425
00:19:59,457 --> 00:20:04,327
I open my ears.
Maybe if you listened a little more,
426
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:07,464
your Cabinet wouldn't feel
the need to leak to the press.
427
00:20:07,465 --> 00:20:09,800
Mike is a lucky man.
428
00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:13,537
Karen Pence,
you are one doofy broad.
429
00:20:13,538 --> 00:20:16,139
Here's some money
for this conversation.
430
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:19,009
Oh, the kid at Shakey's
is gonna get a big tip.
431
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:23,613
Rosenstein gave me Mueller's number.
Should I text him?
432
00:20:23,614 --> 00:20:25,715
- Oh, yeah!
- Do it! Do it!
433
00:20:25,716 --> 00:20:28,451
Wait... why don't we hang out?
434
00:20:28,452 --> 00:20:30,387
- Lose my number.
- Ugh.
435
00:20:30,388 --> 00:20:32,289
- Ugh, come on.
- You're embarrassing us.
436
00:20:32,290 --> 00:20:35,191
Ever since our first day
together, I was so insecure
437
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:38,028
that you all would leave me
that I demanded loyalty.
438
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,230
But you don't get loyalty
by making people sign
439
00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:43,866
the most comprehensive
non-disclosure agreement ever drafted.
440
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:47,703
You get it by listening,
something I need to get better at.
441
00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,240
A doofy broad taught me that.
442
00:20:52,643 --> 00:20:55,645
So, on that note, I'm having
all of you bugged.
443
00:20:55,646 --> 00:20:58,247
There's not a word you will say
that I won't hear.
444
00:20:58,248 --> 00:20:59,848
- Oh...
- We should give him ... Hmm.
445
00:20:59,849 --> 00:21:03,919
- Can we go to Mar-a-Lago again?
- I thought you guys hated it.
446
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,488
We just said that
because we were mad.
447
00:21:06,489 --> 00:21:09,992
All right, you can go.
Just don't talk to Mueller.
448
00:21:14,530 --> 00:21:16,265
"Dear Mr. Mueller,
449
00:21:16,266 --> 00:21:18,900
we accept the fact
that you want to indict us
450
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,070
for whatever it is we did wrong,
451
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,939
but we think you're crazy
for making us testify
452
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,941
about who we think we are.
453
00:21:25,942 --> 00:21:29,910
You see us as you want to
see us, in the simplest terms,
454
00:21:29,911 --> 00:21:34,015
but what we found out
is that each one of us is..."
455
00:21:34,016 --> 00:21:36,851
- "A brain..."
- "And an athlete..."
456
00:21:36,852 --> 00:21:40,021
- "And a basket case..."
- "A princess..."
457
00:21:40,022 --> 00:21:42,056
"And a criminal.
458
00:21:42,057 --> 00:21:44,125
Does that answer your question?
459
00:21:44,126 --> 00:21:48,429
Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.
460
00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:51,249
P.S. ...
I named the club after one
461
00:21:51,292 --> 00:21:54,035
of my top five favorite meals."
462
00:21:54,036 --> 00:21:57,405
Karen, I'm sorry
I called you a wet blanket.
463
00:21:57,406 --> 00:22:00,808
You're a warm, dry blanket
that I'd throw over a harlot
464
00:22:00,809 --> 00:22:05,496
- in a tank top any day.
- I'm sorry I sinned against God
465
00:22:05,497 --> 00:22:07,882
by opposing Donald Trump.
466
00:22:07,883 --> 00:22:09,984
What was I thinking?
467
00:22:09,985 --> 00:22:14,254
I just wish we had the scratch
to go to Old Sturbridge Village.
468
00:22:14,255 --> 00:22:17,257
Karen Sue Pence,
where did you get that?
469
00:22:17,258 --> 00:22:19,760
The President thought I was a whore.
470
00:22:19,761 --> 00:22:23,063
Let's drive to a gas station,
buy a Zippo lighter,
471
00:22:23,064 --> 00:22:26,321
and melt these fake teeth
out of my head.
472
00:22:27,068 --> 00:22:29,469
We are so glad to have you back.
473
00:22:29,470 --> 00:22:31,071
Mueller only wanted to question us
474
00:22:31,072 --> 00:22:33,440
about obstruction and
collusion, and it's like,
475
00:22:33,441 --> 00:22:36,809
"Dude, don't you have anything
else going on in your life?"
476
00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:38,477
What a loser.
477
00:22:38,478 --> 00:22:41,347
If he tells me to go to jail,
I'm just gonna be like, "No."
478
00:22:41,348 --> 00:22:43,082
- Whoo! Yeah, you tell 'em!
- Yeah!
479
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:44,651
Are you really gonna do that?
480
00:22:44,652 --> 00:22:47,286
'Cause a lot of people are
afraid you're gonna do that.
481
00:22:47,287 --> 00:22:50,757
Hey, anybody thinking
what I'm thinking?
482
00:22:50,958 --> 00:22:52,926
Race you to the fence!
483
00:22:54,628 --> 00:22:56,996
I learned a lot that summer...
484
00:22:56,997 --> 00:23:00,099
about friendship, bribery,
485
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:02,602
and how hard it is to run to a fence.
486
00:23:02,603 --> 00:23:06,706
But most of all, I learned that,
when it comes down to it,
487
00:23:06,707 --> 00:23:10,206
all you really need is
to blame the Mexicans
488
00:23:10,207 --> 00:23:13,920
and the blacks...
and the Muslims... and the...
489
00:23:13,955 --> 00:23:17,515
♪ Robert Mueller,
don't you dare indict me ♪
490
00:23:17,516 --> 00:23:20,151
♪ I haven't done anything ♪
491
00:23:20,152 --> 00:23:22,821
♪ What's with the third degree? ♪
492
00:23:22,822 --> 00:23:26,458
♪ Robert Mueller,
won't you leave me alone? ♪
493
00:23:26,459 --> 00:23:30,829
♪ You arraigned my lawyers,
interred my bones ♪
494
00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:34,633
♪ Oh, Robert Mueller ♪
495
00:23:34,634 --> 00:23:37,202
♪ Don't indict me ♪
496
00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:43,808
♪ Robert Mueller ♪
497
00:23:43,809 --> 00:23:47,011
♪ Don't indict me ♪
498
00:23:47,012 --> 00:23:49,981
♪ Ooh, Oh-whoa ♪
499
00:23:49,982 --> 00:23:52,717
♪ Robert Mueller ♪
500
00:23:52,718 --> 00:23:56,821
- ♪ Don't indict me ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
501
00:23:57,223 --> 00:24:01,859
♪ Oh-whoa, Robert Mueller ♪
502
00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:06,397
- ♪ Don't indict me ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
503
00:24:06,398 --> 00:24:08,032
♪ Oh-whoa ♪
504
00:24:08,033 --> 00:24:10,835
♪ Robert Mueller ♪
505
00:24:10,836 --> 00:24:14,005
♪ Don't indict me ♪
506
00:24:14,006 --> 00:24:17,275
♪ Oh-whoa ♪
507
00:24:17,276 --> 00:24:19,844
♪ Robert Mueller ♪
508
00:24:19,845 --> 00:24:22,212
♪ Don't indict me ♪
509
00:24:22,213 --> 00:24:23,948
♪ La, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
510
00:24:23,949 --> 00:24:26,216
♪ Oh-whoa ♪
511
00:24:26,217 --> 00:24:29,020
♪ Robert Mueller ♪
512
00:24:29,021 --> 00:24:32,023
♪ Don't indict me ♪
513
00:24:32,024 --> 00:24:33,557
♪ Oh no ♪
514
00:24:33,558 --> 00:24:38,062
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Robert Mueller ♪
515
00:24:38,063 --> 00:24:40,832
♪ Don't indict me ♪
516
00:24:41,033 --> 00:24:43,367
♪ Don't indict me ♪
517
00:24:43,468 --> 00:24:48,037
♪ Don't indict me.
Hey ♪
518
00:24:48,772 --> 00:24:52,524
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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