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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,025
Wow!
3
00:00:11,026 --> 00:00:14,443
Donald Trump,
Vladimir Putin one-on-one.
4
00:00:14,527 --> 00:00:16,527
I'm thinking you, me, joint statement
5
00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,610
saying we're best friends,
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
6
00:00:18,804 --> 00:00:22,303
Wait. We haven't even caught up.
I want to hear about you.
7
00:00:22,386 --> 00:00:24,303
Best-friends stuff.
State secrets.
8
00:00:24,386 --> 00:00:25,385
Things have been good.
9
00:00:25,386 --> 00:00:27,929
Lot of TV,
lot of locking up babies.
10
00:00:28,012 --> 00:00:29,929
Here's my new Supreme Court
Justice. His name is Brett.
11
00:00:30,012 --> 00:00:31,929
Isn't that weird?
"Brett."
12
00:00:32,012 --> 00:00:33,712
Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett!
Brett! Brett! Buh-rett!
13
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,095
Oh, okay, this is going to be
the longest hour of my life.
14
00:00:36,178 --> 00:00:38,637
What have you been up to,
Mr. Quiet?
15
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,302
Oh, you know, just trying
to get world leaders
16
00:00:40,303 --> 00:00:43,845
to incriminate themselves.
It's... harder than I thought.
17
00:00:43,929 --> 00:00:46,136
I got a game!
How's about, on "three,"
18
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:47,970
we both say our biggest secret?
19
00:00:48,054 --> 00:00:50,136
- One, two, three!
- I wanted to be a dancer!
20
00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:51,385
You're the only person
who knows that.
21
00:00:51,386 --> 00:00:53,095
- One, two, three!
- I like pudding.
22
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,469
I like chocolate pudding.
23
00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:56,135
I got us matching shirts.
24
00:00:56,136 --> 00:00:59,220
I know it's lame, but
it's also kind of funny.
25
00:00:59,303 --> 00:01:00,928
What would you do if
someone like Robert Mueller
26
00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:02,177
was investigating you?
27
00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:04,844
- Obviously have him killed.
- Wow! Well, we're not there yet,
28
00:01:04,845 --> 00:01:06,260
but it seems like
we're getting there.
29
00:01:06,261 --> 00:01:07,961
Do you really have the pee tape?
30
00:01:07,970 --> 00:01:10,178
- Eh, well, you know...
- You do have it!
31
00:01:10,261 --> 00:01:13,220
Oh, my God!
This is so embarrassing!
32
00:01:13,303 --> 00:01:16,553
Help yourself to all of Ukraine,
because I ain't doing nothin'!
33
00:01:16,637 --> 00:01:19,136
So, this joint statement
says we're friends.
34
00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,677
And, yes, there's a little provision
35
00:01:20,678 --> 00:01:22,302
about me building a Moscow hotel,
36
00:01:22,303 --> 00:01:24,512
but you get to take over
Eastern Europe by force.
37
00:01:24,595 --> 00:01:25,719
That is a good offer.
38
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,420
Oh, and every Christmas
we spend together.
39
00:01:27,428 --> 00:01:30,135
- Oh, fuck me.
- I wanted the Supreme Court Justice
40
00:01:30,136 --> 00:01:31,511
to be the hosts of "The Five."
41
00:01:31,512 --> 00:01:33,845
You know, sneak 'em in
under one big robe.
42
00:01:33,929 --> 00:01:35,344
That is a dumb idea.
43
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,678
Just say it.
"I'll sign the statement.
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00:01:37,762 --> 00:01:40,428
Give me the statement.
Your father loves you."
45
00:01:40,512 --> 00:01:42,929
Sign it, sign it, sign it!
46
00:01:43,012 --> 00:01:44,219
Come to the bathroom with me.
47
00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:46,095
I don't want to waste
a second of this meeting!
48
00:01:46,178 --> 00:01:48,428
I would rather die than go
in the bathroom with you.
49
00:01:48,512 --> 00:01:51,095
Did you know that Germany
used to be two countries?
50
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,595
- That blew my freakin' mind!
- Stop talking!!
51
00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,260
Well, I don't have my watch,
52
00:01:55,261 --> 00:01:58,054
but I think the hour
is winding down.
53
00:01:58,136 --> 00:02:00,386
- It's been five minutes.
- Ohh! Holy shit!!
54
00:02:05,762 --> 00:02:08,770
1x11 - Russia Investigation
55
00:02:12,910 --> 00:02:14,284
I'm Wolf Blitzer,
56
00:02:14,285 --> 00:02:18,243
and I take the fun out of
a guy being named "Wolf."
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00:02:18,327 --> 00:02:22,076
Donald Trump is addressing the
annual NATO Summit in Belgium
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00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,744
where his motorcade has already
ransacked the Waffle District.
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00:02:25,826 --> 00:02:27,785
Wow!
So great to be here!
60
00:02:27,868 --> 00:02:29,826
I don't love NATO.
61
00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:33,451
I feel like we should go to war more.
Wouldn't that be great?
62
00:02:33,452 --> 00:02:36,076
Find a place to do it,
put a bunch of people in there,
63
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,160
serve some hot wings, throw
movie memorabilia on the walls.
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00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,118
You know what?
I'm thinking of a restaurant.
65
00:02:43,285 --> 00:02:44,993
The BBC doesn't
have commercials?!
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00:02:45,076 --> 00:02:46,659
The whole reason I came to Europe
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00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,410
is because I heard their
Fanta ads show full titty!
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00:02:49,494 --> 00:02:52,368
Little progress
was made at the NATO summit
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00:02:52,452 --> 00:02:54,826
where all eyes were
on the American president's
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00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:57,368
boorish and uncouth behavior.
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00:02:57,452 --> 00:02:59,494
Did that guy just call you an asshole?
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00:02:59,577 --> 00:03:02,118
Here's what heads of state
said about Trump
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00:03:02,202 --> 00:03:03,902
when they thought
no one was listening.
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00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:05,619
Remember when Trump said
he couldn't
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00:03:05,702 --> 00:03:08,744
pronounce foreign names
and just gave us new ones?
76
00:03:08,826 --> 00:03:10,910
He called me "Jennifer Germany."
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00:03:10,993 --> 00:03:12,534
Oy! Trump's a gobby nob.
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00:03:12,535 --> 00:03:15,076
I was wag-off knackered
just eyeing 'em, innit?
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00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,243
I caught him hosing off his dentures
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00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:18,534
in the bidet!
81
00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:20,368
Ugh!
Europe's a bunch of snobs.
82
00:03:20,452 --> 00:03:22,410
Don't they know you have
a Hollywood Star
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00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,243
between Shrek
and Antonio Banderas?
84
00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:28,367
Eh, it's all right, boys.
I've always been treated
85
00:03:28,368 --> 00:03:31,494
like I'm just another
classless Queens lowlife.
86
00:03:31,577 --> 00:03:36,035
This rental building caters to
the most elite, high-end clientele.
87
00:03:36,118 --> 00:03:38,619
And, yes, that is code for something.
88
00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:39,701
- What?
- What's he talking about?
89
00:03:39,702 --> 00:03:41,619
Something race-related.
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00:03:41,702 --> 00:03:44,940
- What?
- No blacks.
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00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,993
And what are you
thinking for the interior?
92
00:03:47,076 --> 00:03:49,368
That's the second-best part.
93
00:03:49,452 --> 00:03:51,034
Gold toilets.
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00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,027
I've never heard of anything
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00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:58,159
so cheap, low-class, and gauche!
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00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,860
I told you my son was trash,
didn't I?
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00:03:59,868 --> 00:04:03,493
I just thought he'd go more than a
minute before saying the word "toilet."
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00:04:06,951 --> 00:04:10,076
Europeans were just as snooty
as those Wharton jerks.
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00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,950
Both looked down on me for
claiming I had a talking sports car.
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00:04:12,951 --> 00:04:15,494
Speaking of
well-earned judgments,
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00:04:15,577 --> 00:04:18,118
the Senate Judiciary Committee
could call you to testify
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00:04:18,202 --> 00:04:21,076
about Russia any day now,
and we need a plan.
103
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,202
Don't worry.
I can take them down
104
00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:25,452
like a South Jersey
building inspector.
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00:04:25,535 --> 00:04:28,410
Sure, my towers are just
reinforced asbestos
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00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:31,701
held up by rat traps, but...
W-What was I saying?
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00:04:31,702 --> 00:04:34,368
Let me tell you how
America works, you slug.
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00:04:34,452 --> 00:04:37,577
Low-class criminals like mob
bosses are held accountable.
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00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:40,285
But high-class criminals,
people who make zillions
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00:04:40,368 --> 00:04:42,785
turning nurses' retirement
funds into infinity pools,
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00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:43,992
don't get arrested;
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00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:45,534
they get White House appointments.
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00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,035
That committee knows
you're low-class.
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00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:51,493
I'm sorry. Would a low-class
person have an Arby's black card?
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00:04:51,494 --> 00:04:53,075
Maybe there's a compromise here.
116
00:04:53,076 --> 00:04:55,076
What ... What if we all bombed Iran?
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00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,494
Sir, if you want the
Senate Judiciary Committee
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00:04:57,577 --> 00:05:00,577
to view you as a peer,
someone worthy of forgiveness,
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00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,913
I suggest you clean up your act.
120
00:05:04,410 --> 00:05:06,327
So that's a yes on Iran?
121
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,118
I know it's hard, but
try not to itch your balls
122
00:05:09,202 --> 00:05:10,902
with a salad fork tonight.
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00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,576
Oh, look.
It's Chuck and Nancy.
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00:05:12,577 --> 00:05:15,950
We're not gonna say a word to
those pieces of sh... Heyyy!
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00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:19,368
I love these bipartisan
charity fundraisers.
126
00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:22,118
I hear this one has
something to do with kids.
127
00:05:22,202 --> 00:05:23,902
I was at a charity scam like this
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00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:26,993
where Sofia Coppola pitched me
this fascinating period piece.
129
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:29,702
So I told Sofia,
"Put Louise in a stadium scene,
130
00:05:29,785 --> 00:05:31,485
here's a check, and we're good."
131
00:05:31,494 --> 00:05:34,868
I met Sofia at a MOMA event
hosted by Michael Bloomberg,
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00:05:34,951 --> 00:05:37,160
who, by the way, is a wonderful man.
133
00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:38,951
You know what's a classy event?
134
00:05:39,035 --> 00:05:42,660
The Playboy Mansion's July
Humpa Wumpa hosted by Kid Rock.
135
00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:45,826
The place is crawling
with tens ... all runaways.
136
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:49,660
And the buffet has
dong-shaped cinnamon rolls.
137
00:05:49,744 --> 00:05:52,243
Excuse us.
138
00:05:52,327 --> 00:05:54,619
Did you grow up on
an East River trash barge?!
139
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,993
How do you expect these people
to take it easy on you
140
00:05:57,076 --> 00:05:58,993
when all they can picture
is you chasing tail
141
00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:01,118
around some smut king's grotto?
142
00:06:02,619 --> 00:06:04,577
How did we lose to that animal?
143
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:07,619
He's sucking creamed corn
through a toilet-paper tube.
144
00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:10,076
And who is he talking to?
145
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,410
That Barry Diller may be a small guy,
146
00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:15,243
but you should see him when
his towel falls off. Oof!
147
00:06:15,327 --> 00:06:16,867
There's no one around him.
148
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:21,410
Chuck, in 2016, we had the right
ideas and the wrong message.
149
00:06:21,494 --> 00:06:23,194
We need a new strategy.
150
00:06:23,202 --> 00:06:27,243
One that doesn't require Debra
Messing to bring it all home for us.
151
00:06:27,327 --> 00:06:30,202
One that doesn't address
income inequality
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00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:34,368
by promising reduced prices
for Hamilton tickets.
153
00:06:34,552 --> 00:06:36,826
Boys,
I'm starting to wonder
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00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:39,452
if testifying to the Senate
is such a good idea.
155
00:06:39,535 --> 00:06:41,577
Don't be scared of the Senate, Dad.
156
00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:44,327
They're just some conceited
Ivy League-educated lawyers
157
00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:47,452
who hate you and hold
your fate in their hands.
158
00:06:47,535 --> 00:06:49,868
Those Senators, they're
polished, they're refined.
159
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,118
They didn't get into public
life on a jinx dare
160
00:06:52,202 --> 00:06:55,993
- from Rudy Giuliani's urologist.
- This is just like yesterday.
161
00:06:56,076 --> 00:06:59,035
There was a gas station on
the other side of the freeway.
162
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:01,118
We could have either
stayed on our side
163
00:07:01,202 --> 00:07:04,284
- and run out of gas...
- ...or jumped the median.
164
00:07:04,285 --> 00:07:07,160
You just need to do what we did
and total your Miata
165
00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:10,243
in the carpool lane
of the Senate Judiciary Committee!
166
00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,452
And then hitchhike
with a pony-tailed guy
167
00:07:12,535 --> 00:07:14,826
who rests his hand on your thigh.
168
00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:17,327
You're right!
I'm gonna show this town
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00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:20,826
that I've got class, that I belong!
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00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:22,242
- Yeah!
- Yeah! All right!
171
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,243
Now let's go bribe
a traffic-court judge.
172
00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:32,993
Sir, if you're
gonna try to hold your own
173
00:07:33,076 --> 00:07:34,618
with the Senate Judiciary Committee,
174
00:07:34,619 --> 00:07:36,319
you should know
who you're dealing with.
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00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:39,719
- There's Dianne Feinstein. Stanford.
- And Jewish.
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00:07:39,754 --> 00:07:40,978
Richard Blumenthal.
177
00:07:40,979 --> 00:07:43,743
- Harvard, then Yale Law.
- Also Jewish.
178
00:07:43,744 --> 00:07:46,285
- Amy Klobuchar. Yale.
- Looks Jewish.
179
00:07:46,368 --> 00:07:48,826
Cory Booker.
Stanford, Oxford, Yale.
180
00:07:48,910 --> 00:07:50,868
- Also ...
- Zip it, Sessions!
181
00:07:50,951 --> 00:07:54,160
That's fine. I already put the
thought in everyone's minds.
182
00:07:54,243 --> 00:07:56,160
So how do I wow 'em
with my refinement?
183
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,943
Wear an ascot and eyepatch?
184
00:07:57,951 --> 00:08:00,076
We recommend Steve Mnuchin
take you under his wing
185
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,659
and "Pretty Woman" you up a bit.
186
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:04,452
Fine, but only if I can
be verbally abusive.
187
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:07,951
Ohh, but you got to be
verbally abusive last time!
188
00:08:08,135 --> 00:08:10,452
I wouldn't normally help you,
189
00:08:10,535 --> 00:08:13,494
but the lack of healthy
competition in Congress
190
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,993
has absolutely killed my sex drive.
191
00:08:16,076 --> 00:08:19,035
We're having trouble convincing
our base to vote for us
192
00:08:19,118 --> 00:08:21,702
despite offering nothing in return.
193
00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:25,327
How do we get that mojo
back for the midterms?
194
00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:27,577
We were thinking of making
the face of the party
195
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:31,744
a shirtless Adam Rippon
with sideburns shaped like hashtags.
196
00:08:31,826 --> 00:08:33,993
Just follow the ABCs ...
197
00:08:34,076 --> 00:08:37,076
A: Accuse Trump of
committing treason...
198
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,118
B: Block his every piece
of legislation...
199
00:08:40,202 --> 00:08:43,410
C: Blame everything
on Hillary Clinton.
200
00:08:43,494 --> 00:08:46,659
- But she's on our team.
- Oh, pshaww.
201
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:50,284
The other day I blamed the humidity
on her. You'll figure it out.
202
00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:53,577
Did you listen to anything I said?
203
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,577
Stop eating whatever
the hell you're eating.
204
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,160
Chunky brown with a biggie
side of gray hunks?
205
00:08:58,243 --> 00:09:00,577
Waiter!
Get this man "The Mnuchin."
206
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:04,114
What's that? Is it a bigger
bowl of chunky brown?
207
00:09:05,118 --> 00:09:06,743
The meat's not black,
208
00:09:06,744 --> 00:09:08,910
and the egg's not brown
or smothered in sprinkles.
209
00:09:08,993 --> 00:09:10,693
It's called steak tartare,
210
00:09:10,702 --> 00:09:13,243
you Poland Spring bottle
full of cab-driver piss.
211
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,035
So you're saying if I eat
this pile of raw, bloody meat,
212
00:09:16,118 --> 00:09:18,452
I'll be sophisticated?
213
00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:20,868
Ohh!
I taste too many flavors!
214
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,660
- I only like hot or cold!
- Get used to it.
215
00:09:23,744 --> 00:09:25,993
I'm giving all your clothes back
to the parachute factory
216
00:09:26,076 --> 00:09:27,868
and making you read a book
that wasn't the inspiration
217
00:09:27,951 --> 00:09:29,660
of an incoherent kids show.
218
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,951
Hey, hey, hey.
219
00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:34,494
We got the new attack ads
back from McConnell's guy.
220
00:09:34,577 --> 00:09:36,577
I assume they're like our old ones,
221
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:40,410
but now it's a spooky narrator
calling for bipartisanship.
222
00:09:40,494 --> 00:09:42,744
Little Dumb Donny traitor Trump
223
00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:45,202
does whatever Daddy Putin tells him,
224
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,368
when he's not having
unprotected orgies
225
00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:50,243
with porn stars
with the shades wide open.
226
00:09:50,327 --> 00:09:51,618
I can't turn it off!
227
00:09:51,619 --> 00:09:53,785
The Democrats
are locked and loaded,
228
00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:56,619
ready to turn this country
into New Reykjavik.
229
00:09:56,702 --> 00:09:59,452
Dads will be moms,
and moms will be lawyers.
230
00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:01,410
We're going to level all the churches
231
00:10:01,494 --> 00:10:03,494
and replace them with bike lanes.
232
00:10:03,577 --> 00:10:05,744
Universal healthcare?
Definitely.
233
00:10:05,826 --> 00:10:07,535
Military?
Defunded!
234
00:10:07,619 --> 00:10:10,118
Don't vote for
a hepatitis host organism.
235
00:10:10,202 --> 00:10:11,284
Vote Democrat!
236
00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:15,660
Oh, my God.
Nancy, can we actually release this?
237
00:10:15,744 --> 00:10:19,576
- It has exaggerations in it.
- Chuck, we have to.
238
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,868
The Republicans just tried
re-sculpting the MLK statue
239
00:10:22,951 --> 00:10:24,993
to look like Ben Shapiro!
240
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:29,410
Huh! Now you're looking
like a guy with a triple-digit IQ.
241
00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:31,034
I don't like it.
The sweater's scratchy.
242
00:10:31,035 --> 00:10:32,701
You know what's gonna be
really scratchy?
243
00:10:32,702 --> 00:10:34,660
Your cellmate's facial hair
on your thighs.
244
00:10:34,744 --> 00:10:37,076
I hate these wingtips.
Where are my Reeboks
245
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,035
spray-painted to
look like dress shoes?
246
00:10:39,118 --> 00:10:41,494
We gotta get you to stop talking
like a used-mattress salesman.
247
00:10:41,577 --> 00:10:43,452
Just watch five seasons of "Frasier."
248
00:10:43,535 --> 00:10:46,118
Then we're gonna get some reps
with an actual smart person.
249
00:10:46,202 --> 00:10:49,202
Tonight, I interview
President Donald J. Trump.
250
00:10:49,285 --> 00:10:52,118
I've been preparing for this
moment for 78 hours straight.
251
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,619
I am dizzy, I am dehydrated,
I am amped.
252
00:10:54,702 --> 00:10:56,201
Let's bring him into the conversation.
253
00:10:56,202 --> 00:10:58,243
A fine evening, isn't it, Rachel?
254
00:10:58,327 --> 00:11:01,494
Have you read the article or
book that has everyone aflutter?
255
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,577
Did you know about
your son's meeting
256
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:06,202
with Russian operatives
in Trump Tower?
257
00:11:06,285 --> 00:11:08,535
Who's to say what
anyone knows, Niles?
258
00:11:08,619 --> 00:11:11,868
Not being gods,
we must-a then presuppose
259
00:11:11,951 --> 00:11:15,298
that even our senses are biased.
260
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,955
Before the Trump Tower
meeting, did you receive
261
00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:20,577
any e-mails or calls describing
what it would be about?
262
00:11:20,660 --> 00:11:22,868
Isn't it hard
to separate the brain
263
00:11:22,951 --> 00:11:26,285
from the technological disease
that affects us all?
264
00:11:26,368 --> 00:11:27,743
Eddie, get off my chair.
265
00:11:27,744 --> 00:11:29,409
Shit, shit, shit!
I'm blowing it!
266
00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:30,825
If you'll excuse me, Rachel,
267
00:11:30,826 --> 00:11:33,243
me and some gadflies
and mens-about-town
268
00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:37,577
are heading to the Harvard Club
to exchange acerbic repartee.
269
00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,835
Good night, Seattle.
270
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,868
Okay, this is apparently official!
271
00:11:42,951 --> 00:11:46,243
After his masterful interview
on Rachel Maddow,
272
00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:49,202
Fox News has declared
President Donald Trump
273
00:11:49,285 --> 00:11:52,744
the classiest gent in the world,
with brains to boot!
274
00:11:52,826 --> 00:11:55,494
Sometimes, I'd love
to lay atop a grand piano
275
00:11:55,577 --> 00:11:58,368
while that master tickles the ivories!
276
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,826
Ya-ya-za-za-za-zoo...!
277
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,452
You see those people in the back
with the cameras?
278
00:12:04,535 --> 00:12:06,117
What do we call them?
279
00:12:06,118 --> 00:12:07,576
Real news!
280
00:12:07,577 --> 00:12:10,452
And what should we do
to Crooked Donald?
281
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:13,826
Lock his fridge!
Lock his fridge!
282
00:12:13,910 --> 00:12:17,577
They're frothing, Chuck!
They're really frothing!
283
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:20,702
Wow! I'm glad we cut
that 48-minute slideshow
284
00:12:20,785 --> 00:12:24,485
of John Kerry quietly waving.
This is our new direction!
285
00:12:24,694 --> 00:12:27,410
The Senate Judiciary
Committee's about to
286
00:12:27,494 --> 00:12:29,993
tell the President whether
they want him to testify.
287
00:12:30,076 --> 00:12:32,118
If it's a no-go,
he's gonna be upset,
288
00:12:32,202 --> 00:12:33,701
so everyone get ready
289
00:12:33,702 --> 00:12:35,993
to share a nice memory
they've had with him
290
00:12:36,076 --> 00:12:39,535
or, if you don't have one,
reframe a verbally abusive one.
291
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,118
Everyone, quiet!
292
00:12:48,494 --> 00:12:51,784
- So...?
- They want me to testify.
293
00:12:51,785 --> 00:12:54,452
- Wow!
- That's wonderful, sir!
294
00:12:54,535 --> 00:12:56,826
This is the best news
I've heard all day,
295
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,035
and I just watched
a controlled demolition
296
00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:01,160
of a public-school
orchestra building!
297
00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:04,118
- So are you gonna do it?
- I mean, I gotta, right?
298
00:13:04,202 --> 00:13:05,576
Definitely!
299
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,242
Of course,
you gotta bomb Iran.
300
00:13:07,243 --> 00:13:10,076
Well, I better go get ready
for my big testimony.
301
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,659
- Good luck, sir!
- You get 'em!
302
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:12,618
- It's gonna be amazing.
- Yeah, great.
303
00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:15,618
- Bye!
- He's gonna get eaten alive.
304
00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:18,619
We got our base more excited
305
00:13:18,702 --> 00:13:21,910
than Joe Biden loitering
outside a Lululemon!
306
00:13:21,993 --> 00:13:24,118
Let's mobilize them
with a catchy slogan.
307
00:13:24,202 --> 00:13:26,076
Four words or less.
308
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,619
Shouldn't be longer than
"Make America Great Again."
309
00:13:28,702 --> 00:13:31,951
Something like
"Jobs and Healthcare for All."
310
00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:35,035
That's five words,
but it's fine, I guess.
311
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:39,327
If you're willing to go to five,
I mean, what's one more?
312
00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:41,494
It doesn't mention "opportunity."
313
00:13:41,577 --> 00:13:43,277
Or the earned-income tax credit!
314
00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,410
Okay, so, the slogan is...
315
00:13:50,494 --> 00:13:54,035
"Let's Achieve Access
to Jobs and Healthcare
316
00:13:54,118 --> 00:13:57,910
and Affordable Rail Service
for Disenfranchised Minorities
317
00:13:57,993 --> 00:13:59,785
While Protecting Our Environment
318
00:13:59,786 --> 00:14:01,577
and Combating Climate Change
319
00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:04,160
with the Wealthy
Paying Their Fair Share,
320
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:09,485
Plus a Humane Policy
Toward Immigrants 2018."
321
00:14:09,951 --> 00:14:12,205
I don't know where you cut.
322
00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,702
Welcome, everyone,
to the mock Senate hearing.
323
00:14:15,785 --> 00:14:18,035
The first question
the Committee might ask ...
324
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,494
Do you have any investments in Russia?
325
00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:24,868
In the post World War II era,
every economy is so intertwined
326
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:27,494
that the flapping of
a butterfly's wings in Tonga
327
00:14:27,577 --> 00:14:29,826
could lead to a market crash
in the United States.
328
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,711
- Fantastic!
- Wow!
329
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,410
- Brava!
- All right, sir, here's a taste
330
00:14:33,494 --> 00:14:36,076
of what this Senate hearing's
really gonna be like.
331
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,202
- Cool. Very cool.
- Mr. President, did you pull
332
00:14:39,285 --> 00:14:42,160
your bloated head out of
your chapped ass long enough
333
00:14:42,243 --> 00:14:45,118
to be briefed on the
completely idiotic meeting
334
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:48,368
between a Russian lawyer and
your grease stain of a son?!
335
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:51,910
You think you can fool
the Judiciary Committee
336
00:14:51,993 --> 00:14:54,535
into believing you're
not a chiseling bum?!
337
00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:56,242
It doesn't even matter, Poppy!
338
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,702
When they look at me,
they'll see one of their own!
339
00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:02,118
Oh, Donny.
You're from Queens.
340
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,008
You smelled like street-cart
souvlaki until you were 12,
341
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:08,160
and you lost your virginity to
a construction-site port-o-potty!
342
00:15:11,868 --> 00:15:14,744
Mr. Trump, any
communications with Russia?
343
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,910
Why wouldn't I communicate
with Russia?!
344
00:15:17,993 --> 00:15:21,452
They believed in me
like you never could!
345
00:15:21,535 --> 00:15:23,235
Perfect answer, sir.
346
00:15:25,035 --> 00:15:28,076
All right.
Let's keep this train going!
347
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,660
2016 was the year of
"Make America Great Again,"
348
00:15:31,744 --> 00:15:34,660
but 2018 is the year of...
349
00:15:34,744 --> 00:15:38,327
Let's Achieve
Access to Jobs and Healthcare
350
00:15:38,410 --> 00:15:42,285
and Affordable Rail Service
for Disenfranchised Minorities
351
00:15:42,368 --> 00:15:44,410
While Protecting Our Environment
352
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,452
and Combating Climate Change
353
00:15:46,535 --> 00:15:48,993
with the Wealthy
Paying Their Fair Share,
354
00:15:49,076 --> 00:15:51,951
Plus a Humane Policy
Toward Immigrants
355
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:56,160
2018... Opportunity...
356
00:15:56,243 --> 00:15:59,868
to Receive Healthcare
and Affordable Rail Service
357
00:15:59,951 --> 00:16:04,410
No More Food Deserts While Not
Demonizing Wall Street!
358
00:16:07,826 --> 00:16:10,826
Gonna be a no for me, dawg!
359
00:16:12,285 --> 00:16:14,535
Sir, if you can't hold it together
360
00:16:14,619 --> 00:16:16,744
before your bumbling,
incompetent cabinet,
361
00:16:16,826 --> 00:16:18,660
we do not recommend you testify
362
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,159
- in front of the Senate
Judiciary Committee.
- They're gonna
363
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,367
spank you so hard, you're
gonna need an ass massage.
364
00:16:23,368 --> 00:16:25,494
And I know just the guy ...
it's this pimply Polack
365
00:16:25,577 --> 00:16:27,117
named D'Ambrio Pakulski.
366
00:16:27,118 --> 00:16:30,035
Guys, it's gonna be fine
as long as my dead dad
367
00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:32,035
doesn't show up and
tell me that I'm trash
368
00:16:32,118 --> 00:16:34,410
and the only reason I got into
Wharton was because of him.
369
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,194
And that hasn't happened
in four minutes.
370
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,825
Well, then, do what you gotta do
371
00:16:37,826 --> 00:16:39,577
to make sure that doesn't happen.
372
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,326
This is just like that episode
373
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:44,118
when Frasier and Niles
accidentally go to a gay club!
374
00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:48,736
- Why is it just like this?
- Ah, you know, just life.
375
00:16:48,771 --> 00:16:50,035
That was a mess, Nancy.
376
00:16:50,118 --> 00:16:52,702
I told you that slogan
should have been longer.
377
00:16:52,826 --> 00:16:54,951
And we hardly even
mentioned "access."
378
00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:58,619
- "Access," Nancy!
- I was the one who said "opportunity"
379
00:16:58,702 --> 00:17:01,702
should've been in there twice, at least!
380
00:17:01,785 --> 00:17:03,702
This is so "House" of you.
381
00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:08,076
Oh, just because you're in the Senate
doesn't make you better than me!
382
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,035
I had to campaign
all over New York State.
383
00:17:11,118 --> 00:17:13,910
You dragged some bums from
the Starbucks on Castro Street
384
00:17:13,993 --> 00:17:15,826
to the polling place
and called it a day.
385
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,076
"I'm Chuck. I have to be
in Congress for six years
386
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,751
because I can't hack it every two.
Mike Pence is my boss!"
387
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,910
I hate it.
I meet these people.
388
00:17:27,993 --> 00:17:29,284
They call them "the elite."
389
00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,993
I look at them.
I say, "That's elite?"
390
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:33,327
We got more money,
we got more brains,
391
00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:36,452
we got better houses,
apartments, we got nicer boats,
392
00:17:36,535 --> 00:17:39,951
we're smarter than they are,
and they say "the elite"!
393
00:17:40,035 --> 00:17:41,993
We're the elite!
You're the elite!
394
00:17:44,452 --> 00:17:47,868
Uh-huh. Yep.
Okay. Sure.
395
00:17:47,951 --> 00:17:49,951
Thank you very much, Fritz Vanessa.
396
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:52,202
Uhh, who is Fritz Vanessa?
397
00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:54,910
He was the admissions officer
when I applied to Wharton.
398
00:17:54,993 --> 00:17:56,951
He said my application was awful,
399
00:17:57,035 --> 00:18:00,035
but he was a big "fan" of
the building my dad donated.
400
00:18:00,118 --> 00:18:02,035
Don't worry, Dad.
Grandpa just got you in
401
00:18:02,118 --> 00:18:05,368
because he loved you and had no
faith in your natural abilities.
402
00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:14,909
I took a look at your television,
403
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:17,076
and I think I found the problem.
404
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,577
- You threw this hammer through it.
- Oh. Is that what happened?
405
00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:22,785
Sir, I would never question
your motives,
406
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,535
even if you hacksawed my groin,
407
00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:27,319
but may I ask why you did that?
408
00:18:27,368 --> 00:18:30,826
Frasier was talking down to me.
That guy thinks he's hot shit.
409
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,534
Sir, it's a television show.
410
00:18:32,535 --> 00:18:35,910
If it's a television show,
why is it about a radio show?
411
00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:38,619
Sir, I cannot have
this argument again!
412
00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:42,992
Thank you to Leaders Pelosi and
Schumer for joining me tonight.
413
00:18:42,993 --> 00:18:46,061
Sorry for that 45-minute sentence
on the Peloponnesian Wars.
414
00:18:46,096 --> 00:18:47,619
It was our pleasure, Rachel.
415
00:18:47,702 --> 00:18:50,910
Democrats are united to win in 2018.
416
00:18:50,993 --> 00:18:52,159
And we're clear!
417
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,993
Nice going, Nancy.
You never even mentioned
418
00:18:55,076 --> 00:18:57,202
how much we respect
moderate Republicans!
419
00:18:57,285 --> 00:19:01,285
Chuck, you're an elderly,
out-of-touch, coastal elitist!
420
00:19:01,368 --> 00:19:03,452
Come on. You guys are
both on the same team.
421
00:19:03,535 --> 00:19:06,160
Ugh! Maddow!
Why don't you go tell people
422
00:19:06,243 --> 00:19:08,744
the history of the tugboat or something?
423
00:19:08,826 --> 00:19:12,619
Alex Jones tells his viewers
I'm a skin suit full of hornets,
424
00:19:12,702 --> 00:19:16,160
and you're fighting back by
reading Wikipedia pages out loud.
425
00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:20,674
Well, I guess we can agree on
something ... Rachel's an idiot.
426
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,076
You know what?!
I'm just gonna say it!
427
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,410
Your new slogan? It's missing
the words "social justice."
428
00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:26,329
- MSNBC hack!
- Screw your - Ass!
429
00:19:31,410 --> 00:19:33,452
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
430
00:19:33,535 --> 00:19:35,327
So this is where the Senate is.
431
00:19:35,410 --> 00:19:38,785
I've been meaning to check
this place out. It's nice.
432
00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:41,118
God, Mr. President, I never
thought I'd say this,
433
00:19:41,202 --> 00:19:42,993
but I wish I had your brain.
434
00:19:43,076 --> 00:19:45,202
You don't want my brain.
All it thinks about
435
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,702
is my dad telling me
I'm a low-class loser.
436
00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:49,785
And also how to enrich myself
437
00:19:49,868 --> 00:19:52,494
at the expense of the working class,
438
00:19:52,577 --> 00:19:54,910
specifically women
and people of color.
439
00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:56,451
It's just, the Democrats,
440
00:19:56,452 --> 00:19:58,494
we know how to capture
people's heads,
441
00:19:58,577 --> 00:20:01,702
but lately we've struggled to
capture people's vile hearts.
442
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,535
You just know how to
divorce voters from reality
443
00:20:04,619 --> 00:20:07,535
and set them loose in a fun
house of fear and recrimination.
444
00:20:07,619 --> 00:20:09,744
Thanks. I wish I had your brain.
445
00:20:09,826 --> 00:20:12,327
All those fancy, complicated ideas,
446
00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:14,910
like not all Italian guys
are named "Vinnie."
447
00:20:14,993 --> 00:20:16,868
I should tell you, Donald,
the Democrats
448
00:20:16,951 --> 00:20:18,702
are going to grill you at that hearing.
449
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,202
We're gonna go
absolutely bananas on you,
450
00:20:21,285 --> 00:20:23,118
expose all your weaknesses,
451
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:25,202
take a sledgehammer to your balls,
452
00:20:25,285 --> 00:20:27,202
pull off your fingernails
with a steam shovel,
453
00:20:27,285 --> 00:20:29,076
jam your knees into a blender,
454
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,535
pinch your eyeballs,
swap your arms and legs,
455
00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:33,410
slap you in the head with your ass,
456
00:20:33,494 --> 00:20:36,619
electrocute your tonsils,
bite off your eyebrows...
457
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:38,139
...karate chop your ding-dong,
458
00:20:38,140 --> 00:20:39,577
cheese-grate your Adam's apple,
459
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:42,327
swing you around by your penis
until you faint,
460
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:43,909
and crap on your feet.
461
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,785
- You sure are a chatterbox, Chuck.
- But you're gonna do just fine
462
00:20:47,868 --> 00:20:50,993
because you have something
these fancy pants do not ...
463
00:20:51,076 --> 00:20:53,826
you actually connect
with average Americans,
464
00:20:53,910 --> 00:20:56,368
and especially the below-average.
465
00:20:56,452 --> 00:20:58,619
Chuck, why are you
helping me, anyway?
466
00:20:58,702 --> 00:21:01,619
The more you draw attention,
the less pressure there is
467
00:21:01,702 --> 00:21:04,452
on us to figure out what
we actually believe in.
468
00:21:04,535 --> 00:21:06,785
It's the strategy Hillary used in 2016,
469
00:21:06,868 --> 00:21:09,744
and look at her now ...
her book's a bestseller!
470
00:21:11,993 --> 00:21:14,118
Senator Booker,
what sort of grandstanding
471
00:21:14,202 --> 00:21:16,160
can we expect from you
in tomorrow's big hearing?
472
00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:17,951
Good question.
I've been working all night
473
00:21:18,035 --> 00:21:19,493
on my GIF-friendly outrage.
474
00:21:19,494 --> 00:21:21,117
I'm gonna eat Donald Trump up
475
00:21:21,118 --> 00:21:23,118
like a plate of
Moroccan flat-bread
476
00:21:23,202 --> 00:21:25,993
covered in lentil hummus
with a grape-leaf aioli.
477
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,076
Ugh. You're a vegan.
We get it.
478
00:21:29,826 --> 00:21:32,619
Nancy, I'm sorry about
what went down between us.
479
00:21:32,702 --> 00:21:35,744
- Yeah, me too.
- Donald Trump made me realize
480
00:21:35,826 --> 00:21:37,868
what we Democrats
really stand for ...
481
00:21:37,951 --> 00:21:39,910
not being Donald Trump.
482
00:21:39,993 --> 00:21:43,409
- I got you this hat.
- "I'm sorry."
483
00:21:43,410 --> 00:21:47,327
- I know it's a little short, but ...
- Chuck! Don't you get it?!
484
00:21:47,410 --> 00:21:51,426
"I'm sorry."
It's the perfect slogan!
485
00:21:51,461 --> 00:21:52,663
You're right!
486
00:21:52,698 --> 00:21:55,118
Although "I am sorry" might
be a little more clear.
487
00:21:55,202 --> 00:21:57,619
Maybe "Hello, I am sorry"
488
00:21:57,702 --> 00:21:59,410
so we get their attention before we ...
489
00:21:59,494 --> 00:22:01,951
Shut your goddamn mouth, Chuck.
490
00:22:04,035 --> 00:22:06,118
Banga-banga-banga-banga-banga,
banga-banga-banga!
491
00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:07,951
Ted Cruuuz!!
492
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:11,452
Calling this Senate Judiciary
Committee hearing to order!
493
00:22:11,535 --> 00:22:14,202
Chairman Grassley could not be here
494
00:22:14,285 --> 00:22:18,159
because someone put
something in his food. Wuh-oh!
495
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,285
Of course, now our witness
is Pr-e-e-esident Trump.
496
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:26,619
Boo you! I don't care!
Whatever!
497
00:22:26,702 --> 00:22:29,410
Order! Order!
498
00:22:29,494 --> 00:22:32,327
Mr. President, we all
know why we're here.
499
00:22:32,410 --> 00:22:34,285
To nab some sweet footage
500
00:22:34,368 --> 00:22:36,785
for my re-election
campaign commercials.
501
00:22:36,868 --> 00:22:38,951
And... action!
502
00:22:39,035 --> 00:22:41,744
So, this whole Russia thing,
it's a bunch of hogwash
503
00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:46,780
and a threat to American freedom
liberty values, correct-o?
504
00:22:46,815 --> 00:22:48,577
Russia's a fake story.
No collusion.
505
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,868
If anyone colluded, it was Hillary.
506
00:22:50,951 --> 00:22:52,451
Come on!
507
00:22:52,452 --> 00:22:54,160
Bang, bang, bang!
508
00:22:54,243 --> 00:22:57,410
You're out of order!
Have you no decency, sir?!
509
00:22:57,494 --> 00:23:01,166
The Scopes monkey
is hereby found guilty!
510
00:23:01,201 --> 00:23:04,494
Ted Cruz!
Okay, I think we got the shot.
511
00:23:06,327 --> 00:23:07,992
Thank you, Senator Cruz.
512
00:23:07,993 --> 00:23:12,202
Mr. President, are you aware
of 18 US Code Chapter 115?
513
00:23:12,285 --> 00:23:14,744
I know you're not, because
it's not written in graffiti
514
00:23:14,826 --> 00:23:17,577
phonetically inside
a Greek diner's men's room!
515
00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:19,075
- Whoa!
- Well, it says
516
00:23:19,076 --> 00:23:22,118
that you're a treasonous bum
that colluded with a dictator
517
00:23:22,202 --> 00:23:25,660
just because he said
your $6 cologne smelled nice!
518
00:23:25,744 --> 00:23:27,494
I told you
you're not like these people!
519
00:23:27,577 --> 00:23:30,368
You're low-class,
not some fancy pants!
520
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:33,785
Fancy pants... fancy pants...
521
00:23:33,868 --> 00:23:36,410
You have something
these fancy pants do not.
522
00:23:36,494 --> 00:23:39,076
You actually connect
with average Americans,
523
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,868
and especially the below-average.
524
00:23:40,951 --> 00:23:43,410
Mr. President.
Are you paying attention?
525
00:23:43,494 --> 00:23:45,285
Because I'm owning you right now.
526
00:23:45,368 --> 00:23:47,494
You know what?
My entire life,
527
00:23:47,577 --> 00:23:50,327
you upper-crust people have
been trying to tear me down.
528
00:23:50,410 --> 00:23:53,410
And yet, each step of the way,
I've outsmarted all of you.
529
00:23:53,494 --> 00:23:55,868
So much so that I'm your boss now.
530
00:23:55,951 --> 00:23:58,785
You're not my boss.
Mike Pence is my boss.
531
00:23:58,868 --> 00:24:00,660
Goddamn right he is.
532
00:24:00,744 --> 00:24:04,076
Bottom line ... I'm better
than you because...
533
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,202
those people out there get me.
534
00:24:06,285 --> 00:24:10,285
Why? Because like them,
I like watching TV,
535
00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:14,910
I like locking kids in cages,
and I like eating nachos.
536
00:24:14,993 --> 00:24:18,035
Cory, do you even know
what nachos are?!
537
00:24:18,118 --> 00:24:20,243
I believe a nacho is a...
538
00:24:20,327 --> 00:24:23,452
a type of sprouted grain
nut-bread with flax butter.
539
00:24:23,535 --> 00:24:25,826
Ugh. Does anyone
on this committee know?
540
00:24:28,494 --> 00:24:32,494
Nachos are tortilla chips
with hot cheese on top.
541
00:24:32,577 --> 00:24:36,494
And black beans and ground
beef and pepperoni and bacon.
542
00:24:36,577 --> 00:24:38,868
And bite-sized Snicker bars.
543
00:24:38,951 --> 00:24:41,243
Country Time lemonade powder.
544
00:24:41,327 --> 00:24:43,494
Minute Maid lemonade powder.
545
00:24:43,577 --> 00:24:46,577
You know, you can put
anything on nachos! Why?
546
00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:49,327
Mr. President, back to
the overwhelming evidence
547
00:24:49,410 --> 00:24:51,110
that your campaign
colluded with Russia.
548
00:24:51,118 --> 00:24:54,368
Because nachos are America!
549
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,264
And that's why we must never
550
00:24:56,265 --> 00:24:59,860
give the recipe for nachos
to the Mexicans!
551
00:25:07,702 --> 00:25:10,035
Cory, the people have spoken.
Case dismissed.
552
00:25:10,118 --> 00:25:14,321
Roll the bloopers where no one can
get the orangutan into the truck.
553
00:25:14,356 --> 00:25:16,410
According to a CNN snap poll,
554
00:25:16,494 --> 00:25:18,868
95% of the President's
supporters say his testimony
555
00:25:18,951 --> 00:25:20,651
improved their perception of him
556
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,660
while 5% believe someone
put peanut butter on his tongue
557
00:25:22,744 --> 00:25:25,035
and did the voice
from behind a curtain.
558
00:25:25,118 --> 00:25:27,702
I'm now being told we're going
live to a Democratic rally.
559
00:25:27,785 --> 00:25:31,076
In 2016,
we could have done a better job
560
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,577
stopping Donald Trump literally
every step of the way.
561
00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:38,744
Instead, we hoisted
an authoritarian strongman
562
00:25:38,826 --> 00:25:43,118
onto our shoulders and gave him
a piggyback to the White House.
563
00:25:43,202 --> 00:25:46,619
It was kind of our one job
not to let that happen.
564
00:25:46,702 --> 00:25:52,024
So today, we introduce our
new simple, short slogan.
565
00:25:52,702 --> 00:25:54,284
"We're sorry."
566
00:25:54,285 --> 00:25:57,785
And in 2018,
we're going to apologize
567
00:25:57,868 --> 00:26:00,993
all the way to a modest
Congressional majority
568
00:26:01,076 --> 00:26:06,368
and, once we're in power, present
a technocratic 59-point plan
569
00:26:06,452 --> 00:26:07,743
of incremental tax credits...
570
00:26:07,744 --> 00:26:10,202
Kids.
We're gonna be just fine.
571
00:26:10,285 --> 00:26:11,534
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yes, Daddy!
572
00:26:11,535 --> 00:26:14,243
Oh. Except you, Jared.
You're going to jail.
573
00:26:15,437 --> 00:26:18,479
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
574
00:26:18,562 --> 00:26:22,145
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
575
00:26:22,228 --> 00:26:24,479
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
576
00:26:24,562 --> 00:26:26,061
♪ Yes, he is ♪
577
00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:29,145
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
578
00:26:29,228 --> 00:26:31,728
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
579
00:26:31,811 --> 00:26:33,394
♪ Yes, he is ♪
580
00:26:33,395 --> 00:26:36,228
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
581
00:26:36,312 --> 00:26:41,270
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
582
00:26:43,354 --> 00:26:45,145
♪ Donald Trump ♪
583
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:48,604
♪ He is our president ♪
584
00:26:48,686 --> 00:26:51,770
♪ We made him president ♪
585
00:26:51,853 --> 00:26:54,437
♪ We did it ♪
586
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,062
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
587
00:26:58,145 --> 00:27:01,437
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
588
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,936
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
589
00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:08,395
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
590
00:27:08,479 --> 00:27:11,895
♪ Yeah ♪
591
00:27:12,378 --> 00:27:13,585
Trump!
592
00:27:14,915 --> 00:27:18,818
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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