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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,317 --> 00:00:08,546 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 2 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,510 We return to live coverage 3 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,080 of the March for Our Lives in Washington, 4 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,681 and it appears that President Trump 5 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,284 has found an unsupervised microphone. 6 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,152 Hello, students! 7 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,354 It's so moving that you came all this way 8 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,957 to celebrate Vladimir Putin's victory, 9 00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:25,959 and I'm sure some of you are here 10 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,361 to express your opposition to being shot. 11 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,364 No one empathizes with this issue more than me 12 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,266 because after my fifth meal and 30th diet Coke, 13 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,502 I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. 14 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:40,706 That's why several weeks ago, I became the first Republican 15 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:45,278 to propose common-sense gun reforms, and then not two minutes later, 16 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:49,281 NRA chief Wayne LaPierre kicked my door off its hinges 17 00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,484 and threatened to remove my organs. 18 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,052 And in that moment, coincidentally, I thought, 19 00:00:54,053 --> 00:00:57,122 "This issue is not that important to me!" 20 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,858 But there is one issue I'll die for ... 21 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:02,327 ending the Russia investigation. 22 00:01:02,328 --> 00:01:03,795 Everyone's wondering ... 23 00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:06,698 will Donald Trump fire special counsel Robert Mueller? 24 00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:10,635 Let me just reassure the American people I'm going to fire him. 25 00:01:10,636 --> 00:01:12,970 You're smart kids, so I need your help. 26 00:01:12,971 --> 00:01:15,006 Turn your attention to the screens 27 00:01:15,007 --> 00:01:18,410 for a star-studded public-service announcement. 28 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:21,413 Hey, kids. It's DJT. 29 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,381 There's problems in the streets... 30 00:01:23,382 --> 00:01:25,216 Facebook jackin' your stats... 31 00:01:25,217 --> 00:01:28,185 George Soros bribing you to be crisis actors. 32 00:01:28,186 --> 00:01:29,987 But you know what's really messed up? 33 00:01:29,988 --> 00:01:32,636 - Robert Mueller. - # Robert Mueller # 34 00:01:32,671 --> 00:01:35,192 He wants to lock me up just for being myself. 35 00:01:35,193 --> 00:01:37,394 So it's time to show him what's up. 36 00:01:37,395 --> 00:01:40,264 A week from Monday, we're going to walk out of school 37 00:01:40,265 --> 00:01:42,786 and proclaim that we want to fire Robert Mueller. 38 00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:44,568 ♪ Fire Robert Mueller ♪ 39 00:01:44,569 --> 00:01:47,104 - Fire Robert Mueller. - We need to act. 40 00:01:47,105 --> 00:01:50,340 - It ends today. - Robert Mueller's super poor. 41 00:01:50,341 --> 00:01:51,708 Fire Robert Mueller. 42 00:01:51,709 --> 00:01:54,778 - Fire Robert Mueller. - Fire Robert Mueller! 43 00:01:54,779 --> 00:01:56,280 Fire Robert Muh-er! 44 00:01:56,281 --> 00:01:57,847 - Robert Mueller. - Robert Mueller! 45 00:01:57,848 --> 00:02:00,016 - Robert Mule-er. - Fire Robert Mueller! 46 00:02:00,017 --> 00:02:02,686 - I'm the First Lady. - # Fire Robert Mueller # 47 00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:06,916 Fire Robert Mueller. Peace. 48 00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:10,927 1x08 - Government Shutdown 49 00:02:17,143 --> 00:02:19,312 Sir, I'm serving as a character witness 50 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:22,147 for seven White House staffers being tried in family court. 51 00:02:22,148 --> 00:02:24,850 Could you sign this good-luck card for the last staff secretary? 52 00:02:24,851 --> 00:02:26,319 We let him go after it leaked 53 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,087 he had done his fair share of dog strangling. 54 00:02:28,088 --> 00:02:30,489 While I'm gone, McMaster's in charge. 55 00:02:30,490 --> 00:02:33,225 I'd say you're in charge, but you lost that privilege 56 00:02:33,226 --> 00:02:35,660 when you asked what the "R" in "Argentina" stands for. 57 00:02:35,661 --> 00:02:38,831 And while he's gone, we get to lock down a budget resolution! 58 00:02:38,832 --> 00:02:41,566 How's that sound? Sir? 59 00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:42,935 I don't know where he is! 60 00:02:42,936 --> 00:02:44,770 Uh, maybe look for a sausage patty 61 00:02:44,771 --> 00:02:46,504 that compliments whoever's eating it. 62 00:02:46,505 --> 00:02:48,707 I'll tell Sanders to give this a positive spin 63 00:02:48,708 --> 00:02:51,543 and say the president's throwing pork at refugees. 64 00:02:51,544 --> 00:02:53,545 Hold off. He won't get far. 65 00:02:53,846 --> 00:02:57,515 Airplane! KFC drive-through! And step on it! 66 00:02:57,516 --> 00:02:59,183 For all General Kelly knows, 67 00:02:59,184 --> 00:03:02,754 I'm still at my desk with a basketball on my head! 68 00:03:02,755 --> 00:03:04,789 - Damn it! - There's no pilot. 69 00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:07,625 I thought you'd try this, so I told him you were into trains now. 70 00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:10,061 I'm not dealing with this stupid budget resolution bill. 71 00:03:10,062 --> 00:03:12,529 I mean, it's got "stupid" right there in the title. 72 00:03:12,530 --> 00:03:14,799 How about this? After you close a budget deal, 73 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,802 we'll have KFC delivered right to your larynx. 74 00:03:17,803 --> 00:03:19,403 It's not about the food. 75 00:03:19,404 --> 00:03:22,139 It's about the whole drive-through experience. 76 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:24,107 Will there be a monitor that displays your order? 77 00:03:24,108 --> 00:03:25,942 Will there be one window or two? 78 00:03:25,943 --> 00:03:27,444 How will the bad grease taste? 79 00:03:27,445 --> 00:03:29,480 Sir, I know this is controversial, 80 00:03:29,481 --> 00:03:32,082 and I believe the federal government should be funded, 81 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:33,450 so I have to put my foot down. 82 00:03:33,451 --> 00:03:38,193 Your foot never lets me do anything! 83 00:03:38,611 --> 00:03:40,924 Well, of course, any discussion... 84 00:03:40,925 --> 00:03:43,160 ...of raising federal spending caps is a non-starter. 85 00:03:43,161 --> 00:03:44,961 - Okay. Mmm-mmhmm. - And our caucus won't even 86 00:03:44,962 --> 00:03:47,264 discuss the FISA surveillance program. 87 00:03:47,265 --> 00:03:50,466 Ugh! Shut up! This is so boring. 88 00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:52,102 I could be blasting chicken down my throat 89 00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:54,070 with a Civil War cannon right now. 90 00:03:54,071 --> 00:03:57,173 Hey, we're the Democrats. We're the fun ones. 91 00:03:57,174 --> 00:03:59,776 Just the other day, Nancy switched my pen. 92 00:03:59,777 --> 00:04:02,478 I was like, "This isn't my pen." 93 00:04:02,479 --> 00:04:05,481 And she was like, "Gotcha. I switched our pens." 94 00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:07,016 Don't you guys ever want to have fun? 95 00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:08,984 Like, start a football league that cuts the players' 96 00:04:08,985 --> 00:04:12,188 - life expectancy in half? - We do fun stuff ... 97 00:04:12,189 --> 00:04:14,924 e-mail donors, call donors, 98 00:04:14,925 --> 00:04:17,492 call donors to make sure they got our e-mail. 99 00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:20,696 So far, nothing you've said is fun, except maybe that pen thing. 100 00:04:20,697 --> 00:04:23,291 Call me when this bill has some pizzazz in it, or ... 101 00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:25,367 or pizzas! Either one. No! Wait! Both! 102 00:04:27,650 --> 00:04:30,171 Oh, come on! Where is it?! 103 00:04:30,172 --> 00:04:34,309 I specifically told the cable guy to make Fox News every channel! 104 00:04:34,310 --> 00:04:36,177 Did you finish your big bill yet? 105 00:04:36,178 --> 00:04:38,980 Oh, great. Now you're nagging me about my job? 106 00:04:38,981 --> 00:04:41,972 What, did everyone read the Constitution all of a sudden? 107 00:04:42,127 --> 00:04:43,271 Strap your kids into their beds, folks. 108 00:04:43,272 --> 00:04:44,339 We got a great one tonight. 109 00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:46,841 - Hi, Sean! Sean! It's me! - Hannity! 110 00:04:46,842 --> 00:04:49,077 He's an up-and-coming conservative voice. 111 00:04:49,078 --> 00:04:51,645 Please welcome the first registered Republican toddler. 112 00:04:51,646 --> 00:04:52,947 Connor Smith, it's an honor. 113 00:04:52,948 --> 00:04:56,184 How has Hannity not won a single award ever? 114 00:04:56,185 --> 00:04:59,653 Why is the deep state so goo-goo-gah-gah about supporting ISIS? 115 00:04:59,654 --> 00:05:01,355 Can you tell me that? Can you talk? 116 00:05:01,356 --> 00:05:04,191 Oh, wow. That kid's got it made. 117 00:05:04,192 --> 00:05:07,862 No meetings. No reading. People cheer when he dances. 118 00:05:07,863 --> 00:05:10,197 So act like a toddler. You're the Commander-in-Chief. 119 00:05:10,198 --> 00:05:12,699 - You can do whatever you want. - No, I can't! 120 00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:14,034 General Kelly... you'll get married me. 121 00:05:14,035 --> 00:05:15,369 It's like he's my dad, 122 00:05:15,370 --> 00:05:17,770 except he doesn't refer to padlocks as babysitters. 123 00:05:17,971 --> 00:05:21,674 Ladies and gentlemen, this is an important decision, 124 00:05:21,675 --> 00:05:24,478 one historians will forever write about. 125 00:05:24,479 --> 00:05:26,490 So, what do we think? 126 00:05:27,388 --> 00:05:29,483 Hell-o-o-o? How do you think Entenmann's 127 00:05:29,484 --> 00:05:31,151 new raspberry Danish should be served? 128 00:05:31,152 --> 00:05:33,286 Piping-hot or cooled by refreshing butter? 129 00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:36,523 Mind keeping it down, Mr. President? We're all moving a little slow. 130 00:05:36,524 --> 00:05:41,327 - Mnuchin's party got wild last night. - Uh, he didn't have a party, 131 00:05:41,328 --> 00:05:44,731 because if he did, I would have been invited. Right, Nooch? 132 00:05:44,732 --> 00:05:47,734 Threw a total sicky. It was epic. 133 00:05:47,735 --> 00:05:50,702 Ben Carson drove a car through my house stone-cold sober. 134 00:05:50,703 --> 00:05:53,672 In my experiences, valets are inside. 135 00:05:53,673 --> 00:05:55,707 Did you misspell my name on the invite? 136 00:05:55,708 --> 00:05:58,077 Here. Let me write it down very clearly for you. 137 00:05:58,078 --> 00:06:00,413 I threw your invite in the trash. 138 00:06:00,414 --> 00:06:01,880 When you finish the budget bill, 139 00:06:01,881 --> 00:06:05,651 - you can hang out with your friends. - Don't baby me, Kelly! 140 00:06:05,652 --> 00:06:07,553 I could totally run this business without you. 141 00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:10,022 This isn't a business. It's a government. 142 00:06:10,023 --> 00:06:13,716 Wow. And you wonder why you haven't won Employee of the Month. 143 00:06:15,258 --> 00:06:18,496 Welcome back. It's Countdown to the Shutdown. 144 00:06:18,497 --> 00:06:20,866 Protesters have descended on Washington, 145 00:06:20,867 --> 00:06:25,036 as lawmakers appear no closer to a budget deal, the final... 146 00:06:25,037 --> 00:06:27,372 sticking point is that one side's 147 00:06:27,373 --> 00:06:30,275 entire political philosophy does not, in any way, 148 00:06:30,276 --> 00:06:31,742 overlap with the others. 149 00:06:31,743 --> 00:06:34,612 We go now live to Paul Ryan. 150 00:06:34,613 --> 00:06:37,215 Do you think a shutdown would hurt Republicans in the midterms? 151 00:06:37,216 --> 00:06:39,684 And a follow-up ... What the hell am I talking about? 152 00:06:39,685 --> 00:06:41,870 Republicans love that sort of thing. Never mind. 153 00:06:43,755 --> 00:06:47,758 And it just made me think, like, midterms are gonna be here soon. 154 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:51,729 This might be our last year in office together. 155 00:06:51,730 --> 00:06:53,297 - So many memories. - Ah. 156 00:06:53,298 --> 00:06:56,366 Remember when you gave that speech on the House floor 157 00:06:56,367 --> 00:07:00,104 with toilet paper stuck to your shoe? 158 00:07:00,105 --> 00:07:02,072 And then we authorized the Iraq War? 159 00:07:02,073 --> 00:07:04,408 - Right. - That war was bananas! 160 00:07:04,409 --> 00:07:07,478 Like, a lot of people got hurt and died. 161 00:07:07,479 --> 00:07:09,213 - Right, right. - Yeah. Right. 162 00:07:09,214 --> 00:07:11,115 But you know what I remember most about it? 163 00:07:11,116 --> 00:07:13,483 - Yeah? - Our parties did it together. 164 00:07:13,484 --> 00:07:14,951 - Oh, you're right. - So true! 165 00:07:14,952 --> 00:07:16,552 - You're right about that. - We got to really enjoy 166 00:07:16,553 --> 00:07:19,555 this time and have fun, like when we were teenagers 167 00:07:19,556 --> 00:07:24,330 reading Ayn Rand and harassing the kids in the free-lunch line. 168 00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,697 Why are all these white people mad? 169 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:28,898 I'm trying to help them. 170 00:07:28,899 --> 00:07:31,634 And now I got to go to this dumb shutdown meeting. 171 00:07:31,635 --> 00:07:34,504 Dad, why are you letting this Kelly dude tell you what to do? 172 00:07:34,505 --> 00:07:37,072 What's the point of having your own branch of government 173 00:07:37,073 --> 00:07:38,841 if you can't break it off, plant it, 174 00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,743 and grow your own Christmas tree?! 175 00:07:40,744 --> 00:07:42,911 I don't know. I guess Kelly keeps me organized. 176 00:07:42,912 --> 00:07:45,581 He tells annoying people not to barge into my office, 177 00:07:45,582 --> 00:07:48,183 reminds me not to call every foreign leader "Doodle Bug." 178 00:07:48,184 --> 00:07:51,020 Sounds like he friggin' sucks! If he was cool like you, 179 00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:53,588 he'd hold meetings in the bathroom while he took a dump. 180 00:07:53,589 --> 00:07:55,991 You know what? You're right! Forget Kelly. 181 00:07:55,992 --> 00:08:00,095 For the first time in my life, I'm gonna say and do whatever I want. 182 00:08:00,096 --> 00:08:02,797 ♪ General Kelly, your reign is done! ♪ 183 00:08:02,798 --> 00:08:04,533 - Ohh. - # I'm gonna do me # 184 00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:08,170 - Dad! - # Donald J. Tru-u-u-mp # 185 00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:13,312 Dad... what the fuck are you doing?! That's really good. 186 00:08:18,894 --> 00:08:22,763 When I get back, I want the United States government funded. 187 00:08:22,764 --> 00:08:24,898 And that means no parties. 188 00:08:24,899 --> 00:08:26,667 Don't worry. We're not having a party. 189 00:08:26,668 --> 00:08:28,135 We're totally throwing a party. 190 00:08:28,136 --> 00:08:31,472 It's gonna make Mnuchin's party look like Mike Pence's personality. 191 00:08:31,473 --> 00:08:33,274 Personality is sin. 192 00:08:33,275 --> 00:08:36,610 Don, Eric, get some candies, treats, and sweet treats. 193 00:08:36,611 --> 00:08:39,480 What's the difference between treats and sweet treats? 194 00:08:39,481 --> 00:08:41,915 Eric! Don't worry, Dad. I'll explain it to him later. 195 00:08:41,916 --> 00:08:43,617 And we're gonna have it in the living room! 196 00:08:43,618 --> 00:08:47,153 - So someone clean it up. - I'm an excellent cleanser. 197 00:08:47,154 --> 00:08:49,089 This is no longer General Kelly's White House! 198 00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:51,257 It's Donny Trump's Funky Baby Party Box, 199 00:08:51,258 --> 00:08:53,826 where cool Trumps rule and lame generals drool. 200 00:08:53,827 --> 00:08:57,497 Mr. President, you promised General Kelly you'd work on that bill. 201 00:08:57,498 --> 00:08:58,965 Don't worry. Susan's on it. 202 00:08:58,966 --> 00:09:02,835 - We all know Susan doesn't exist. - Really? Susan might disagree. 203 00:09:02,836 --> 00:09:04,471 Maybe check in with her on that. 204 00:09:06,273 --> 00:09:09,141 Can you believe all this shutdown ... 205 00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:13,045 Crap. Sorry. It's my first bipartisan night out in a while. 206 00:09:13,046 --> 00:09:15,447 Let's forget about the shutdown for a sec. 207 00:09:15,448 --> 00:09:19,151 How about, to break the ice, you ask us anything you want? 208 00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:20,520 No judgment. 209 00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:24,123 Okay. Um, do you really want to raise taxes? 210 00:09:24,124 --> 00:09:26,058 Heck, no. That money's ours. 211 00:09:26,059 --> 00:09:29,328 Exactly! Your turn. Ask us anything. 212 00:09:29,329 --> 00:09:32,297 Benghazi. What's that all about? 213 00:09:32,298 --> 00:09:36,168 To be honest, I don't know what Benghazi is, where it happened... 214 00:09:36,169 --> 00:09:38,003 Oh, yeah. Folks in Louisville 215 00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:41,306 are always coming up to me worried about Libya. Oh, get real. 216 00:09:41,307 --> 00:09:43,975 Wow! We are having fun! 217 00:09:43,976 --> 00:09:46,745 I'm not even faking this giant open-mouth smile. 218 00:09:46,746 --> 00:09:50,849 I can't stop it now, and I'm actually getting a bit frightened. 219 00:09:50,850 --> 00:09:54,485 Hey, this might sound weird ... do you guys ever tub? 220 00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:55,754 - Ooh! - Ooh! 221 00:09:55,755 --> 00:09:57,422 - Ooh! - Right? 222 00:09:57,623 --> 00:10:00,724 Ruffians are planning White House protests 223 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:04,362 even larger than when you issued a travel ban on Episcopalians 224 00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:07,165 because you thought they were refugees from Episcopalia. 225 00:10:07,166 --> 00:10:09,534 McMasters, why are we talking about this? 226 00:10:09,535 --> 00:10:12,703 Everyone is stoked on my party, and no one gives two nickels 227 00:10:12,704 --> 00:10:15,372 about Kelly's weird scheme to fund the government. 228 00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:16,941 What are you talking about? I love parties. 229 00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:19,577 It's always nice to let your hair down, take your medals off. 230 00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:24,048 - But your duty to this country comes first. - Lighten up, McMaster! 231 00:10:24,049 --> 00:10:26,584 With everyone upset about the government 232 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:30,054 not doing anything, a party would be a welcome distraction. 233 00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,855 Mattis, my man! Sanders, you in? 234 00:10:32,856 --> 00:10:35,892 Hell yeah! Just a warnin' ... after three beers, 235 00:10:35,893 --> 00:10:39,296 I attack anyone who reminds me remotely of my father. 236 00:10:39,297 --> 00:10:42,466 Now that we're all cozy, everyone go around 237 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:46,369 and say something that you'd never admit to the American people. 238 00:10:46,370 --> 00:10:49,844 I don't know where I'm supposed to sit in the Senate. 239 00:10:49,879 --> 00:10:50,930 - Oh, my goodness. - What?! 240 00:10:50,965 --> 00:10:52,375 - Are you serious? - I love that! 241 00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:53,743 - I have no idea. - That's amazing. 242 00:10:53,744 --> 00:10:57,480 I got one. I've never set foot inside a voting booth. 243 00:10:57,481 --> 00:10:58,982 - What?! - Wow! 244 00:10:58,983 --> 00:11:00,549 - That's not ... - That's truly not okay. 245 00:11:00,550 --> 00:11:01,818 - That is insane! - I mean, what's the point? It's not like 246 00:11:01,819 --> 00:11:05,421 - one person can actually make a difference. - This is freaking awesome! 247 00:11:05,422 --> 00:11:08,890 I feel like I just mandated drug tests for food stamps. 248 00:11:08,891 --> 00:11:11,960 - Whoo! Yeah, baby! - It's too bad we have to get back 249 00:11:11,961 --> 00:11:16,098 - and negotiate this budget bill. - Well, who says we do? 250 00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:18,934 The only thing I'm negotiating is who gets out 251 00:11:18,935 --> 00:11:23,271 - to turn the jets on in 15 minutes. - I'm into that. 252 00:11:23,272 --> 00:11:26,008 I'd also be into reaching across the aisle 253 00:11:26,009 --> 00:11:29,410 just to, uh... you know... 254 00:11:29,411 --> 00:11:31,079 feel around. 255 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:36,652 - What? - Okay, I clearly misread the vibe. 256 00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:40,421 Hey! We're having a party! 257 00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:42,691 Is this great or what! Hey! Come on! 258 00:11:42,692 --> 00:11:45,326 Let's hear it! Everyone get their sugar sticks?! 259 00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:47,195 Man, if we had these in Vietnam, 260 00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:50,632 it would have taken way longer to lose that war! Hah-ha! 261 00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:53,768 Ah, tah-pah-pah-pah-pah. Take it easy on those, McMaster. 262 00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:55,536 Nooch, what are we watching? 263 00:11:55,537 --> 00:11:57,872 I've got pornos based on every movie I've produced ... 264 00:11:57,873 --> 00:12:00,841 "Collateral Booty," "Mad Max: Furry Chode," 265 00:12:00,842 --> 00:12:04,378 - "The Lego Batman Porno." - I have to recuse myself. 266 00:12:04,379 --> 00:12:06,047 Let's just watch the news. 267 00:12:06,048 --> 00:12:09,216 My body reacts the same way to news as it does to pornography. 268 00:12:09,217 --> 00:12:11,885 There's a chance we might not get paid for weeks! 269 00:12:11,886 --> 00:12:13,987 Who knows what I'll tell my kids?! 270 00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:17,224 Get over it, you crybaby! 271 00:12:17,225 --> 00:12:18,692 Crap! It's Kelly! 272 00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,695 Everybody flush yourself down the toilet, now! 273 00:12:21,696 --> 00:12:24,298 What the hell is going on here?! 274 00:12:24,299 --> 00:12:28,668 Hey, General Kelly! Yay! 275 00:12:29,099 --> 00:12:31,667 Okay, so, I didn't pass a budget. 276 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,937 Big deal. You didn't pass one, either. 277 00:12:33,938 --> 00:12:36,940 Sir, the government's only funded for one more day. 278 00:12:36,941 --> 00:12:38,541 This is serious! 279 00:12:38,542 --> 00:12:41,610 If it's so serious, then why am I wearing this hat? 280 00:12:41,611 --> 00:12:45,448 You call Congressional leaders and negotiate a damn bill. 281 00:12:45,449 --> 00:12:47,550 - Now! - You can't tell me what to do! 282 00:12:47,551 --> 00:12:51,119 - You're not my real dad! - I'm not even your fake dad. 283 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,722 But if you want to respect your office 284 00:12:52,723 --> 00:12:55,658 and act like a grown adult, then pass a bill. 285 00:12:55,659 --> 00:12:58,461 But if you want to be a little toddler, eat sugar, 286 00:12:58,462 --> 00:13:01,663 and drink sugar, don't expect my help. 287 00:13:01,664 --> 00:13:02,865 So, what'll it be? 288 00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:12,974 - Cupcakes! - Guess who cut a culinary 289 00:13:12,975 --> 00:13:16,544 magnet school's funding and got their desserts! 290 00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,666 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 291 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,969 ♪ It's "Fox & Friends" ♪ 292 00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,537 I'm glad President Trump 293 00:13:22,538 --> 00:13:25,439 isn't taking this government shutdown seriously. 294 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,941 I don't need some FDA bureaucrat 295 00:13:26,942 --> 00:13:29,143 getting between me and my poisoned meats! 296 00:13:29,144 --> 00:13:31,345 Sure, museums will close, but, hey, that'll keep 297 00:13:31,346 --> 00:13:33,180 those suits of armor and woolly mammoths 298 00:13:33,181 --> 00:13:35,349 from running loose when they get struck by lightning 299 00:13:35,350 --> 00:13:39,022 - and come to life. - That was so... 300 00:13:41,023 --> 00:13:44,225 - Is he dead? - ...fun. What's on the docket today? 301 00:13:44,226 --> 00:13:46,394 How about a prank? Somebody get the flu 302 00:13:46,395 --> 00:13:50,330 and then kiss Chief Justice John Roberts. 303 00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:54,101 Oh, we'd love to say yes, but our constituents are giving us 304 00:13:54,102 --> 00:13:58,005 - hell about this budget deal. - So, we took a look at your proposals. 305 00:13:58,006 --> 00:14:01,174 One provision makes gun owners tax-exempt. 306 00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,209 Who cares about all that stuff? 307 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,746 All I care about is that four-seater hot tub 308 00:14:05,747 --> 00:14:08,902 and my three besties! 309 00:14:09,050 --> 00:14:10,583 Oh, for pig shit's sake. 310 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,153 "Infowars." 311 00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:16,423 We have video proof that four globalists... 312 00:14:16,424 --> 00:14:18,258 ostensibly from different parties 313 00:14:18,259 --> 00:14:20,260 have now been caught on video, folks ... 314 00:14:20,261 --> 00:14:24,460 it's on video ... bathing together in the Satanic waters 315 00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:27,232 of a ritual hot tub! Paul Ryan ... globalist! 316 00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:29,735 Mitch McConnell ... 33-degree Mason! 317 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,872 Nancy Pelosi ... a known member of San Francisco! 318 00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:36,241 Chuck Schumer! There is fluoride in that hot tub! 319 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:39,911 Mother of God! They think we're bipartisan. 320 00:14:40,873 --> 00:14:43,041 Finally, no Kelly to bother me. 321 00:14:43,042 --> 00:14:46,911 Hey, I'm gonna watch some TV if anyone wants to join! 322 00:14:46,912 --> 00:14:50,616 No dweebs, goobers, weenies, or mean people! 323 00:14:52,418 --> 00:14:55,387 Heard your Draconian gatekeeper, General Kelly, is out, 324 00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:57,922 which means I'm in! Your personal space! 325 00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:01,025 - There's something I'd like to parlay. - I'm not blurbing your novel. 326 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,894 A whodunit about a brilliant White House aide 327 00:15:02,895 --> 00:15:04,595 getting stood up repeatedly at the movies. 328 00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:08,399 Is it sheer coincidence or evidence of a much more insidious plot? 329 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,268 "The Feminine Menace: Volume I." 330 00:15:10,269 --> 00:15:11,736 - Dad. - Dad. Look at this rock. 331 00:15:11,737 --> 00:15:13,437 - No! Look at my rock! - Dad. Yo. Look at my rock. 332 00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:14,905 - Don? Don? - Dad? 333 00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:17,141 - No, don't look at his rock! - Look at my rock! 334 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,809 - Ben, you're not my son. - Dad. Dad. Daddy. Dad. 335 00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:20,077 - Is this Mike Pence's office? - Don. 336 00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,779 - It's my office. - Dad! 337 00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:24,248 -. Michael forgot his lunch in here. - Dad! 338 00:15:24,249 --> 00:15:26,651 You're insane if you think I didn't already eat that! 339 00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:28,118 Ted Cruz! What are we watching? 340 00:15:28,119 --> 00:15:29,386 - Don? - Dad! Dad! 341 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,255 Holy smokes! I feel like I'm in the Wild West! 342 00:15:31,256 --> 00:15:33,223 - Yee-haw! - Dad! 343 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:38,000 - Dad! - Dad! 344 00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:43,295 A donkey kicking someone through a couple of swinging doors! 345 00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:44,429 Lord, have mercy! 346 00:15:44,764 --> 00:15:47,404 So, then, what are you saying? 347 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,239 We're saying we lost sight of ourselves. 348 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,410 Those jets blinded us to the truth. 349 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:56,913 That tub was a beautiful apolitical womb! 350 00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:01,017 The deep connections I felt last night I've never felt for anyone! 351 00:16:01,018 --> 00:16:04,453 Not my wife, my kids, my red hat and barbells! 352 00:16:04,454 --> 00:16:07,256 Knock it off! You're gonna get us killed. 353 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,793 Come on! Chuck, I rubbed in your scalp tonic. 354 00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:13,262 Nancy, I told you my middle-school secret 355 00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:16,165 about sneaking into ceramics after hours 356 00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:19,301 to make myself a clay boob I kept under my bed! 357 00:16:19,302 --> 00:16:24,139 And as much as that story meant to me, this is the way it has to be. 358 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:26,842 Paul, I know this applies to whenever you're awake, 359 00:16:26,843 --> 00:16:29,378 but you're embarrassing yourself. 360 00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:31,513 Hey, hey, ho, how! 361 00:16:31,514 --> 00:16:33,958 The government should not shut down! 362 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,383 Hey, hey, ho, hur! 363 00:16:35,384 --> 00:16:38,488 The government shutdown should not occur! 364 00:16:40,857 --> 00:16:43,024 This place is a mad house! 365 00:16:43,025 --> 00:16:45,026 I'm heading out to play a few holes of golf! 366 00:16:45,027 --> 00:16:47,162 What's 18 times 5? A thousand? 367 00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:51,132 Wouldn't show your face right now, sir. Massive protests have begun. 368 00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,301 Those have nothing to do with me. I'm just a simple golfing man. 369 00:16:54,302 --> 00:16:56,838 But if it makes them go away, I'll do the bill. 370 00:16:56,839 --> 00:16:59,674 There is no bill. The House can't agree on a single budget item. 371 00:16:59,675 --> 00:17:02,810 Right now they're stuck in negotiations over how many vertical lines 372 00:17:02,811 --> 00:17:04,479 go through the "S" in a dollar sign. 373 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,647 Then round up all those stiffs and fix it. 374 00:17:06,648 --> 00:17:10,084 I've never rounded up anyone that wasn't presumed dead weeks later. 375 00:17:10,085 --> 00:17:12,052 You're gonna need Kelly for this one. 376 00:17:12,653 --> 00:17:16,891 Many people are to blame for this government shutdown, 377 00:17:16,892 --> 00:17:19,360 but no group deserves more blame than... 378 00:17:19,361 --> 00:17:23,397 Don't do it, Nancy. Remember! The tub! 379 00:17:23,398 --> 00:17:27,259 ...than the Republicans! 380 00:17:27,294 --> 00:17:30,103 Everyone knows the blame lies squarely with 381 00:17:30,104 --> 00:17:33,774 the House Democrats, whose leader, just last night, 382 00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:35,675 told me that she thinks women 383 00:17:35,676 --> 00:17:39,112 should make 90 cents to the dollar, tops! 384 00:17:39,113 --> 00:17:41,281 Yeah? So? Yeah? 385 00:17:41,282 --> 00:17:45,218 In middle school, Paul Ryan made a clay boob! 386 00:17:45,219 --> 00:17:47,086 Yeah, yeah, yeah? So?! 387 00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:49,422 I was gonna... tell everyone, anyway! 388 00:17:49,423 --> 00:17:52,525 Ya-hoo! Go on! Get 'em, Nancy! 389 00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:54,460 Go get McConnell! Get him now! 390 00:17:54,461 --> 00:17:56,229 Go on! Git! 391 00:17:56,230 --> 00:18:00,706 He's got a banjo! 392 00:18:00,741 --> 00:18:04,770 ♪ Three white people rocking out in Washington ♪ 393 00:18:04,921 --> 00:18:09,959 And welcome back to Fox News' Rockin' Washington Shutdown! 394 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,696 With performances by Travis Tritt's brother, Lonnie Tritt, 395 00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:16,731 and the Eliminate the Estate Tax Junior Dancers. 396 00:18:16,732 --> 00:18:19,668 And I'm being told that Fox News' fireworks guy 397 00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:23,672 is unavailable because he is, indeed, uh, Lonnie Tritt. 398 00:18:23,673 --> 00:18:26,508 So instead, we'll use our mouths to make firework sounds. 399 00:18:26,509 --> 00:18:29,244 Three, two, one! 400 00:18:30,713 --> 00:18:32,513 - Blue, yellow, green! - Boom, bang! Wow! 401 00:18:33,424 --> 00:18:35,717 All you had to do was call Congressional leaders, 402 00:18:35,718 --> 00:18:39,187 and we'd be fine, but you just had to have your fun. 403 00:18:39,188 --> 00:18:41,555 Well, maybe if you ever did something for me! 404 00:18:41,556 --> 00:18:43,591 Everything I do is for you. 405 00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:46,761 Who had your back when you accidentally called a war widow 406 00:18:46,762 --> 00:18:49,230 thinking it was Grubhub and yelled at her 407 00:18:49,231 --> 00:18:51,031 for not bringing enough blue-cheese dressing? 408 00:18:51,032 --> 00:18:55,202 You suffocated me! "No TV, Mr. President! No golf! 409 00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,838 Miss Universe contestants aren't foreign dignitaries!" 410 00:18:57,839 --> 00:19:00,274 You won't let me do anything! I hate you! 411 00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:02,836 - You don't mean that. - Yes, I do! 412 00:19:02,871 --> 00:19:05,045 I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 413 00:19:09,617 --> 00:19:14,560 Oh, God. Come on, Donald. You got two more in you. 414 00:19:14,956 --> 00:19:18,358 All right. One more, and your point is made. 415 00:19:20,194 --> 00:19:22,017 I hate you. 416 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,436 Protesters, evil generals, 417 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,972 toilets that can't flush empty McDonald's bags ... 418 00:19:32,973 --> 00:19:35,074 I hate the White House! 419 00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:37,042 - Where to, sir? - The only place where I can 420 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,312 tell someone to do something and they do it, no matter what. 421 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,215 Hey, yeah, could I get the number 2...? 422 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,450 Ohh! 423 00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,953 Do you guys have lasagna?! 424 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,789 - No. - I see it on the menu! 425 00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:52,424 Uh, we saw you tape that up there, sir. 426 00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,393 Why don't you just do what I say?! 427 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,162 Is that General Kelly in there? Ugh! Okay, fine. 428 00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,898 You put me down for nine gravy packets while I decide. 429 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,233 Ohh! Ooh! What the...? 430 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,136 The protestors. How did they find me? 431 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,340 - Seatbelts. Aah! - McMasters, if I don't make it, 432 00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,842 tell my gravy packets I love them! 433 00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:16,514 I hate to admit this, but I'm starting to think 434 00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,918 this whole situation ... maybe, just maybe ... 435 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,419 is all your fault. 436 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,457 You miss him, don't you? 437 00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:29,126 Democratic Senator from Vermont Patrick Leahy. 438 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,762 I was sure we'd be bros to the end. 439 00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:35,533 - What happened with you two? - What always happens, Paul. 440 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,868 Talk radio found out about our friendship. 441 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:42,440 - Washington happened. - What you had was real, Mitch. 442 00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:46,009 And what we had with Nancy and Chuck, that was real, too. 443 00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,211 - Ohh! - Grow up, kid! 444 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,313 This isn't a sleep-away camp. 445 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,349 Huh... You and your open palm are right, Mitch. 446 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:56,387 I still have a lot of growing to do. 447 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:59,689 ♪ Growing up, boy, it's the pits ♪ 448 00:20:59,690 --> 00:21:02,525 ♪ But I'm not longer 46 ♪ 449 00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:05,462 ♪ So it's time to be a man ♪ 450 00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:08,531 ♪ In Washington ♪ 451 00:21:08,532 --> 00:21:11,067 ♪ In Washington ♪ 452 00:21:11,068 --> 00:21:13,703 ♪ Growing up, I had my doubts ♪ 453 00:21:13,704 --> 00:21:16,739 ♪ But now McMaster's all passed out ♪ 454 00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:19,742 ♪ And it's time to be a man ♪ 455 00:21:19,743 --> 00:21:23,212 ♪ In Washington ♪ 456 00:21:23,213 --> 00:21:26,382 ♪ Growing brains, it's not so hard ♪ 457 00:21:26,383 --> 00:21:29,185 ♪ Just get a sample from a dog ♪ 458 00:21:29,186 --> 00:21:32,154 ♪ And put it in a liquid vat ♪ 459 00:21:32,155 --> 00:21:35,919 ♪ Of oxygen ♪ 460 00:21:36,214 --> 00:21:38,894 ♪ Don't let this term become your last ♪ 461 00:21:38,895 --> 00:21:41,764 ♪ Give up your friends for donor cash ♪ 462 00:21:41,765 --> 00:21:44,666 ♪ Growing up, it's hard to do ♪ 463 00:21:44,667 --> 00:21:50,667 ♪ But it's easier with you ♪ 464 00:21:53,742 --> 00:21:56,378 Come on. Let's go make women's access 465 00:21:56,379 --> 00:21:58,613 to vital healthcare impossible. 466 00:22:02,285 --> 00:22:05,453 General Kelly! How did you find us? 467 00:22:05,454 --> 00:22:08,255 You're the President in an upside-down Air Force One 468 00:22:08,256 --> 00:22:10,057 in a fast-food drive-through. 469 00:22:10,058 --> 00:22:13,360 It's the most photographed event in human history. 470 00:22:13,361 --> 00:22:16,230 Wow. Even in an upside-down plane, I'm still prisoner 471 00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:18,265 to the media's judging gaze. 472 00:22:18,376 --> 00:22:21,012 We said some... things back there, 473 00:22:21,013 --> 00:22:23,914 but people are pretty upset about this government shutdown. 474 00:22:23,915 --> 00:22:26,083 I know ... you're the big man in charge. 475 00:22:26,084 --> 00:22:29,253 You've got the longest tie in the room. 476 00:22:29,254 --> 00:22:30,854 And you don't need to do anything you don't want to do. 477 00:22:30,855 --> 00:22:33,490 But I really think you should get back to work. 478 00:22:33,491 --> 00:22:35,992 Can I watch a few hours of TV first? 479 00:22:35,993 --> 00:22:38,362 Government shutdown, sir. They turned off your cable. 480 00:22:38,363 --> 00:22:40,764 President Trump racing back to Washing-ton 481 00:22:40,765 --> 00:22:42,699 to hammer out a budget deal. 482 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,834 We're told the only hiccup is his head 483 00:22:44,835 --> 00:22:47,370 contains four gallons of blood and milkshake 484 00:22:47,371 --> 00:22:50,506 and his feet are so drained, they're basically flippers. 485 00:22:50,507 --> 00:22:52,776 All right, I'm back. Skip the boring stuff. 486 00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:54,678 Where do I sign to get TV working again? 487 00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:57,280 We're in a fight, and the Republicans started it 488 00:22:57,281 --> 00:23:00,883 - with their ridiculous proposals! - No! Chuck started it. 489 00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:04,087 Boys! Obviously, it's whoever started it's fault, 490 00:23:04,088 --> 00:23:05,521 but let's be adults here. 491 00:23:05,522 --> 00:23:08,424 Be adults? That's rich coming from you. 492 00:23:08,425 --> 00:23:10,759 You take that back, or we're not friends anymore! 493 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,127 - Screw you! - Take a hike, will you? 494 00:23:12,128 --> 00:23:14,463 - I hate you! - You're all Dumpster people! 495 00:23:14,464 --> 00:23:16,799 Knock it off! You're all babies. 496 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,968 Has anyone here gone to war? 497 00:23:18,969 --> 00:23:22,771 No, but I did play in a college intramural Frisbee golf game 498 00:23:22,772 --> 00:23:26,308 that got pretty darn physical, so I get it. 499 00:23:26,309 --> 00:23:27,443 If you had gone to war, 500 00:23:27,444 --> 00:23:31,079 you'd know that it doesn't matter if you like your fellow soldiers. 501 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,116 You'd have to grow the hell up and work together 502 00:23:34,117 --> 00:23:36,751 because you're responsible for something more important 503 00:23:36,752 --> 00:23:38,320 than yourselves ... 504 00:23:38,321 --> 00:23:40,822 turning the tide in Vietnam. 505 00:23:40,823 --> 00:23:43,725 - He's right. - He makes a good point, doesn't he? 506 00:23:43,726 --> 00:23:46,293 - For Vietnam! - And don't forget me! 507 00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:48,496 I'm also responsible for something more important 508 00:23:48,497 --> 00:23:50,765 than me ... the perception of me. 509 00:23:50,766 --> 00:23:53,267 So, what do you say we make me look good? 510 00:23:53,268 --> 00:23:56,771 We are so proud to announce that Congress has passed 511 00:23:56,772 --> 00:24:02,443 historic legislation to fund the government for 15 more hours. 512 00:24:05,654 --> 00:24:08,756 You know, Mr. President, I kind of missed you. 513 00:24:08,757 --> 00:24:12,159 I realized I need someone to order around, just as much 514 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,895 as you need someone to resent for ordering you around. 515 00:24:14,896 --> 00:24:16,664 Tremendous! 516 00:24:16,665 --> 00:24:18,265 In fact, you've worked so hard, 517 00:24:18,266 --> 00:24:22,735 you should take this weekend off and spend it at KFC. 518 00:24:22,736 --> 00:24:25,839 Yes. Tremendous! Great. 519 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:30,243 Mr. President? Oh, fuck. 520 00:24:30,244 --> 00:24:32,578 You can't hate me more than I hate myself. 521 00:24:32,579 --> 00:24:37,883 - Mr. Presid-e-e-e-ent! - See you next month, loser! 522 00:24:38,134 --> 00:24:42,505 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 523 00:24:42,506 --> 00:24:45,542 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 524 00:24:45,543 --> 00:24:48,211 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 525 00:24:48,212 --> 00:24:50,046 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 526 00:24:50,047 --> 00:24:52,815 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 527 00:24:52,816 --> 00:24:55,450 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 528 00:24:55,451 --> 00:24:57,019 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 529 00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:59,989 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 530 00:24:59,990 --> 00:25:05,990 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 531 00:25:06,730 --> 00:25:08,463 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 532 00:25:08,464 --> 00:25:12,568 ♪ He is our president ♪ 533 00:25:12,569 --> 00:25:16,238 ♪ We made him president ♪ 534 00:25:16,239 --> 00:25:18,207 ♪ We did it ♪ 535 00:25:18,208 --> 00:25:21,410 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 536 00:25:21,411 --> 00:25:25,046 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 537 00:25:25,047 --> 00:25:28,817 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 538 00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:32,220 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 539 00:25:32,221 --> 00:25:36,157 ♪ Yeah ♪ 540 00:25:36,388 --> 00:25:37,680 Trump! 541 00:25:39,353 --> 00:25:45,080 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 44941

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