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00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,638
You're watching "60 Minutes."
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00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:14,848
Here's Anderson Cooper.
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00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,642
Her birth name
is Stephanie Clifford,
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00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,435
but elementary‐school
history books
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00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,063
will forever refer to her
as Stormy Daniels.
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00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,022
In 2006, she allegedly had sex
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00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,732
with a recently married
Donald Trump,
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00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,943
his chin dripping with
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00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,278
a Lipitor/bull hormone/
cookie‐dough milkshake.
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00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,155
Then she accepted $130,000
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00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:33,534
to stay silent about
what Americans already
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00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:36,036
instinctively knew
in their amygdala hindbrain.
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00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,955
Here now is President Trump's
side of the story.
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00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,456
Stormy Daniels is lying.
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00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,583
Unless she says
I'm a wildcat in bed,
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00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,876
in which case
it's all true.
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00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,086
If this didn't happen,
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00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:47,464
why did she receive $130,000
from Michael Cohen, your lawyer,
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00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:51,385
who always looks like he just
realized he ate some bad clams?
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00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,304
The money was consolation for
missing out on the most intense
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00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,099
orgasmic sexual awakening
of her life.
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00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,226
I approach love‐making like I
approach the breakfast buffet ‐‐
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00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:03,313
me first and always a guy
nearby making omelets.
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00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,232
Do you plan to
pay back your lawyer?
Nope.
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00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,400
Stormy Daniels claims
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00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,193
you did not sign the
non‐disclosure agreement.
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00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,195
I was too busy planning
Space Force.
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00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,863
Isn't it great that cops,
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00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,615
teachers, and astronauts
are now militarized?
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00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,284
Hey, IRS agents!
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00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:19,663
Get ready for calculators
that shoot 20 rounds a second!
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00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:20,622
Does Stormy Daniels have
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00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,416
compromising pictures
and videos of you?
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00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,042
And how much are you
looking forward to seeing
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00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:26,169
Mike Pence's face
after they're released?
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00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,338
I've seen the photos,
and it's clearly not my penis.
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00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,008
No part of me appears on camera
without several ladles
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00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,011
of Maybelline Super Stay
foundation.
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00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,554
Sir, this
allegedly occurred
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00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:38,390
one year after
you married Melania.
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00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,726
She's the foreign one
with the brown hair...?
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00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,311
Right, but me and
my pregnant wife
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00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,478
hadn't really defined
the relationship.
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00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,815
Even at the wedding, we were
like, "Where is this going?"
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00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:47,899
We've obtained audio
of an alleged encounter
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00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,902
between you
and Miss Daniels.
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00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:12,466
Go to 60MinutesOvertime.com
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00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,593
to watch Donald Trump explain
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00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,220
why Rex Tillerson,
the former CEO of Exxon,
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00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:21,433
was too much of a
goody two shoes for him.
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00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:25,646
Wow! What is this?
A thousand letters?
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00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,029
Forbes Magazine
loves you so much, Donald!
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00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,282
Now give me filthy rich.
So good.
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00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:40,160
Now give me vain, glorious,
syphilitic boy‐king rich.
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00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,079
You've done this before,
haven't you?
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00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,456
Now give me "blissfully unaware
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00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,708
that people won't stand
for this much longer" rich.
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00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:49,044
We got the shot.
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00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,630
We actually got it hours ago,
but you told me to keep snapping
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00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,131
so you wouldn't have to
go back to work.
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00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,884
What the hell is an
honorable mention?!
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I told them I'm richer than God,
and they demanded proof!
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00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,932
When God shows His tax returns,
I'll show mine!
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00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,184
I'm sure it was just
an honest mistake.
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00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,019
Must be. I'm not gonna
spend another minute
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00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:08,730
thinking about
this stupid list.
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00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,357
That's good, Donald.
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00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,444
You do have a country to run,
after all.
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00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,071
Number 70, Harold Hamm...
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00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,072
number 69, Masayoshi Son...
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00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:20,158
number 68,
the Hinduja brothers...
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00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,744
You listen to me,
you son of a bitch.
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00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,162
I'm always on the list!
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00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,789
I was on Forbes'
Richest 70 over 70 list
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00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,625
when I was 65!
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00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,878
Was that the
editor‐in‐chief?
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00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:32,963
Prime Minister
of Indonesia.
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00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,923
He was calling about
an earthquake or something,
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00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,133
and we got sidetracked.
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00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,594
You know, sir, there's really
only one list that matters.
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00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:42,889
Playboy's list of hottest women
without a father figure?
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00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,724
Saint Peter's list!
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00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,894
The list that determines who
gets into the big "H" upstairs
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00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:49,980
and who takes the
haunted hayride to hell.
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00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,983
Eh, you're right. No one reads
those dumb lists anyway.
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00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,318
What's all this?
Did Jeff Sessions die?
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00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:59,823
Oh, I won't die for a long time.
I got work to do yet.
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00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,408
Sir, we heard the news
about Forbes.
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00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,243
We, of course, wanted
to pay our respects
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00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,953
to your waning
personal fortune.
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00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,788
Oh, my God.
Do you think I care
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00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:08,457
that Forbes said
on page 25 that...
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00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,293
"a tough real‐estate market,
costly lawsuit,
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00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,546
and expensive
Presidential campaign"...
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00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:18,425
reduced my wealth
$600 million?
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00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,303
‐Yes. Absolutely. Yes.
‐Wrong.
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00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,556
I am 100% secure
with my net worth.
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00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:28,059
Speaking of, guess how much
it really is, Nuch.
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00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,980
Three... four...
Twelve billion trillion?
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00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:32,939
Exactly!
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00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:36,151
Three, four, twelve
billion trillion.
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00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,862
Now tell everyone how many
feet of crap is in your pants.
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00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,530
Sir, if you do need
some cash,
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00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,158
we started a GoFundMe
for you and your family.
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00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,368
I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.
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00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,578
He's so poor,
he believes in God!
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00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,332
Mike's so poor, before he offers
a penny for your thoughts,
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he has to
refinance his house!
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00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,587
Pence is so busted, he's
never chucked a Ford Fiesta
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into a lake just to
piss off some fish.
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00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,508
Material wealth
is secondary
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to the wealth of an
unflinchingly righteous heart.
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00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,970
Although, now that
you mention it,
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00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,473
I would like to see
what electric can
openers are all about.
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00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:10,227
Forbes is full of it,
but on the off chance
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00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,144
that something slipped
through the cracks,
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I need to check my accounts.
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You know the drill.
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00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:19,361
Just to reiterate, I do have
additional space on my scrotum.
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00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,155
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
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00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:25,450
Looks like someone's been
making questionable decisions
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00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,410
with my money
for the last five decades.
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00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,246
You've got to be loaded
to keep that wife of yours.
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What does this
have to do with Melania?
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00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,668
Women only care about
one thing ‐‐ money.
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00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,419
Whereas all I need
from a date
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00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,714
is absolute silence
and combative eye contact.
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00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,842
Honey, do you think
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00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,426
my designer‐shoe
Ferris wheel
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00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,178
should go here
or here?
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00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,597
Melania,
imagine I was poor.
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00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,224
Would you still
be married to me
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00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:52,102
if I could only afford
a normal‐length, poor‐guy tie?
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00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,689
Come on, Donald.
What would I do if I left you?
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00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,899
Live with the Crown Prince
of Saudi Arabia,
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00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,776
who already promised me
a Lamborghini
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00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,903
with gel doors
you can step through?
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00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,905
Now, where should
this big diamond go?
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00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,741
I usually use it to poke
open my FAGE yogurt.
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00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,203
Hey, Kare Bear?
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00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,872
Say I got incredibly rich
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00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,082
and we could have
everything we ever desired.
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00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,042
Would you still
want to be with me?
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00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,503
I don't put much stock
in material goods.
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00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,463
The only thing
Adam and Eve had to wear
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00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:21,923
was a pair of
turtleneck sweaters,
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00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,759
and they did just fine.
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00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,678
I have everything I need.
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00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:27,512
Well, almost.
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00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:30,974
It's Jerry.
You miss him, don't you?
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00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,019
He was our first
little angel piglet.
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00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,604
And I'll always regret
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00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:37,439
the way his life
was cut short.
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00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,442
I didn't mean to knock him
off the window sill.
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00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,194
I just wanted him to see
the first snowfall.
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00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,947
But I'm gonna do my darndest
to provide for us,
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00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:49,492
to fill that Jerry‐sized gap
in our hearts.
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00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,078
So many
average Joes out there.
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00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,789
They all love me.
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00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,875
They think, "Hey,
I'm just like Donald Trump,
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00:06:56,958 --> 00:07:00,128
except he's rich and therefore
a million times better than me."
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00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:03,048
But no one loves a loser.
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00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,967
That's why I'm asking
for help from you,
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00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,219
the most average man in America,
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00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,639
"Fox & Friends" host
Brian Kilmeade.
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00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307
Thank you, sir.
As requested,
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00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:15,602
I've conducted a top‐secret
focus group of Fox News viewers,
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00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,771
consisting mainly
of elderly white men
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00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,314
waiting for diners to open.
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00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,148
Don't hold back.
I can handle it.
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00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:23,693
I have thick,
ram‐like skin.
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00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,321
Why haven't you responded
to what I just said?
Do you hate me?
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00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,573
We asked respondents what they
would do if you were poor.
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00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,116
The most common answers ‐‐
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00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,827
withdrawal of support,
violent uprising,
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00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,412
and use your body
to find out what happens
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00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:37,499
when a human steps outside
of a Space Shuttle.
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00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,126
My God. I can't ever
let them know.
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00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,504
Listen to me, Brian. You were
never here. You don't exist.
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00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,547
You're just skin wrapped
around a gooey core.
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00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,966
That's what Ailes
used to say!
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00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,386
All right, boys, we're
gonna show this nation
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00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,637
that I'm still
superduper rich.
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00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,516
Step one, add helicopter
propellers to all my houses.
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00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:55,975
I don't want
to contradict you,
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00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,519
because you're my father
and I fucking love you,
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00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,480
but, like, some of
The Trump Organization numbers
188
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,898
are not looking good.
189
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:02,816
The office manager said
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00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,485
we couldn't have
the Christmas party
191
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,529
and the K‐Keebler Elf tree!
192
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,239
Pull it together,
E‐Roc!
193
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,700
We're in the clear so long
as we don't spend too much money
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00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,202
on dumb crap,
like wolf blacklight posters.
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00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:17,372
Actually,
that poster is cool.
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00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,249
Dad, I need that wolf!
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00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,376
Come on.
Stop crying, you two.
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00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,795
Wealth isn't about
how much money you have.
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00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,506
It's about how much money
you rub in people's faces.
200
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,800
And right now this nation
needs to believe
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00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,885
that my wallet is stuffed
with something other than
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00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,388
gastroenterologists'
business cards!
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00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,313
This poor, backwards country
wants to live vicariously
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00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:43,273
through an insanely rich leader,
205
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,691
so let's give 'em
what they want.
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00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:47,235
Let me ask you ‐‐
how do you two robber barons
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00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,570
flaunt your spoils?
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00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:51,698
Real billionaires don't
talk about their money.
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00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,491
They just use it
to print textbooks
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00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:57,370
that say God invented
dinosaurs in 1956.
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00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,497
People don't always know
I'm rich when they meet me.
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00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,166
A lot of them just assume
I'm their dentist.
213
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,667
That is, until
I flash this baby.
214
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,794
Say, that's a nice timepiece.
215
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,046
Really screams, "I looted
your pension fund."
216
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,089
Thank you!
217
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,507
Gift from my wife,
what's‐her‐name,
218
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,260
after I threw her an
insanely expensive wedding.
219
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:13,053
Hmm!
220
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:16,473
Hannity!
221
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,599
Welcome back to Hannity,
222
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,350
where the conservative guests
are hot
223
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,602
and the liberal guests
224
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,563
are weathered tires
made to look like people.
225
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:26,357
On to my new segment,
"Rich Guys"!
226
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,151
We're joined today
by the richest guy I know,
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00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,611
President Donald J. Trump.
228
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,653
And "J" stands for Jackpot.
Am I right?
229
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,781
I think I know that much.
Donald Trump.
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00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,825
Hey, Sean. It's a pleasure
to be here, in between
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00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,953
my enormously expensive habits
and princely dealings.
232
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,371
So, what's the next
rich thing
233
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,414
for America's
favorite rich guy?
234
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,292
The very unfair
Forbes Magazine
235
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,212
launched some untrue
accusations about my wealth!
236
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,296
And to the haters,
I say this ‐‐
237
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,590
Would a not‐rich guy
do this?
238
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:54,969
Mrs. Melania ‐‐ S? ‐‐
Trump...
239
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:56,638
will you marry me again?
240
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,557
Only, this time,
at the most expensive
241
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:00,809
wedding in world history!
242
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:03,812
When we come back, I,
Sean Hannity, as Melania Trump,
243
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:07,148
describe the feeling
of being the happiest girl
244
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,733
in the whole wide world!
245
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,488
Here she is, the most prized
Pence family heirloom ‐‐
246
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,991
my great‐great‐grandmother
Fern's antique squirrel catcher.
247
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,409
I hate to part with her,
248
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,161
but Karen and I
can no longer subsist
249
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,664
on just my meager
public‐sector salary.
250
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,249
My wife is gonna
get such a kick
251
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,167
out of this real piece
of Americana.
252
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,002
She's never been
to real America.
253
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,879
Doesn't have
the proper shots.
254
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,173
Wow! $200!
255
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:35,510
I shouldn't have looked at the
amount. Now God knows I know.
256
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,179
I can't wait to walk
into that church
257
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,597
wearing my
million‐dollar suit.
258
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,016
It's gonna make Jesus
wish he were dead.
259
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:42,934
I cannot wait, either!
260
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,687
It will be nice
to get married again,
261
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,898
this time knowing full well
what I'm getting myself into.
262
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,650
But are you sure
we can afford it?
263
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,193
Am I really
the kind of guy
264
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:55,196
that sinks millions of dollars
into bad ideas?
265
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,824
Now, what do you think
about having a walk‐in cake?
266
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,576
Michael, are you sure
we can afford
267
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,079
the California
Pizza Kitchen?
268
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,833
I mean, this place has
pizzas and flatbreads.
269
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,377
I feel like
the Marquis de Sade.
270
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,129
And I've got
one more surprise.
271
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,132
Jerry?!
272
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,885
How could it be?
273
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:19,220
It's Jerry's son,
Jerry Jr.
274
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,723
He's young and full of fight.
Do you like him?
275
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:24,100
He's beautiful!
276
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,643
But, uh, I got to know,
277
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,396
how much is this
gonna set us back?
278
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,564
No more money talk tonight.
In fact...
279
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:32,442
Waiter! Another round
of CPK lemonades
280
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,737
for me and wife,
Karen Pence!
281
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,072
And, sir! We'll take all
the napkins you can carry!
282
00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,950
Ooooooooh!
283
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,787
So, after I arrive at the
ceremony in a silver sleigh,
284
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,248
I'll roll on golden
billiards to the altar.
285
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,584
Right. And at the reception,
we'll serve an edible line
286
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,837
of Ivanka Trump
cocktail dresses.
287
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,965
Uh, hate to be the buzz slayer,
but it is my fiduciary duty
288
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:59,093
to inform everyone that
from a business standpoint,
289
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:01,638
your wedding is shooting money
out of its hairy ass.
290
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,765
Exactly. See ya
at the reception.
291
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,516
Hold up, Dad! The vendors
are demanding cash
292
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,269
and threatening
to kick my ass.
293
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,647
It doesn't help that I keep
getting ripped off
294
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,608
by bogus swan wranglers!
Don't worry, fellas.
295
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,652
If there's one thing
I know how to do,
296
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,528
it's to pull myself out
of a money pit using
297
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,365
the world's most sophisticated
business techniques.
298
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,075
You've seen
the red MAGA hats,
299
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,118
the white "Build the Wall" hats,
300
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:24,953
and the pink
"Lock Her Up" hats
301
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,288
for Breast Cancer
Awareness Month.
302
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:32,335
But today I present the next
generation of MAGA must‐haves!
303
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:35,922
First, the official
Donald J. Trump step ladder!
304
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,131
This thing is a real beauty.
305
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,760
That's gold for ya, folks.
306
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,347
Next up, a sack of MAGA‐brand
oysters aged to perfection.
307
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,517
Ben, how's that taste?
308
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,062
Like the damp underside
of the boardwalk.
309
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,730
Tremendous! All of these
products are available
310
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,774
on my website,
whitehouse.gov.
311
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,901
Remember ‐‐
every dollar you spend
312
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,445
is a dollar that gets
to attend my wedding!
313
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,825
$3.99 at Michaels?
314
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,868
Two Yankee Candles?
315
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,287
That can't be right.
316
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,580
Karen, our identity
has been stolen!
317
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,708
Don't be silly,
Michael.
318
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,752
I just swung by the mall for a
couple Kare Bear necessities.
319
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:18,256
That reminds me ‐‐
I'm heading to JCPenney
320
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,758
to pick up some earrings that
look like little pumpkins.
321
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,677
But you already have
those earrings
322
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,679
that look like
little jingle bells.
323
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,973
Since I updated
my wardrobe,
324
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,727
Steve Mnuchin's wife
no longer clutches her purse
325
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,437
when we ride the elevator.
326
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,063
And Betsy DeVos
doesn't direct me
327
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,524
to the nearest
winter‐coat drive.
328
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,485
Things are finally coming up
Karen Sue Pence!
329
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:40,486
All right.
You go to Penneys.
330
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,572
Thanks, sweetheart.
331
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,032
Jerry Jr. and I
love you so much.
332
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,993
He whispered it to me when
I was brushing his teeth!
333
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,206
Melania, you should've
seen the way
334
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,207
those people
ate up my merch.
335
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,335
They all wanted a piece
of Mr. Luxury himself.
336
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,421
That's me, by the way.
I'm trying that name out.
337
00:13:58,504 --> 00:13:59,714
Stick to the name "Trump."
338
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,924
It's synonymous
with high‐quality.
339
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,134
Have you or someone you know
340
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,637
been injured by a Donald Trump
brand MAGA product?
341
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:09,557
If so, you may be entitled
to mountains of money.
342
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,809
Hi! I'm Ted Cruz!
343
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,020
And I am working to get you
the cash you deserve!
344
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,732
Call today! I'll answer
on or before the first ring,
345
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,234
as I'm often mashing
the answer button already,
346
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,570
just in case someone calls
and then regrets it!
347
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:29,535
Well, that is the last time
I try to do something nice.
348
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:37,251
I don't usually fraternize
with environmental lobbyists.
349
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,836
So, what's the offer?
350
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,757
You spare 2,000 acres
of deciduous forest preserve,
351
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,886
and this $800 goes
to your super PAC.
352
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,930
Dear God, I know
you had those acres
353
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,099
earmarked for
copper mining,
354
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,268
but I have to give Karen the
life she's always dreamed of ‐‐
355
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,604
multi‐colored
scrunchies and all.
356
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,689
Ted, I can't
keep settling your lawsuits.
357
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,776
Sorry, Donald!
I'm a shark!
358
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,945
And not just due to the
license plates in my stomach
359
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,114
and the fact that people
put up "Beach Is Closed" signs
360
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,616
whenever I'm spotted
near a vacation town!
361
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,493
What do you even need
the money for?
362
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,620
I always wanted
to be a rich dude ‐‐
363
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,080
cuff links, socks,
deodorant...
364
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:17,125
get that fallen oak tree
removed from my living room,
365
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:19,836
a separate room for my wailing,
invalid, ghost granny.
366
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,213
Gonna build a tower
next to your tower, Don,
367
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:26,968
slap the name "Ted Cruz" in
pea green right on the front!
368
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,220
Thinkin' 900 floors!
369
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,222
Adabba, dabba, dabba, dooba,
dabba, dooba, dabba,
dooba, dabba, doo!
370
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:35,101
Speaking on behalf of
the National Arbor Society,
371
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:39,981
we celebrate this oak sapling,
who only stands here today
372
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,858
because of
the conservation efforts
373
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,860
of Vice President
Mike Pence.
374
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,320
That sapling better
keep its mouth shut!
375
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,239
Michael!
376
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,575
Don't ruin such
a lovely occasion.
377
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,326
Especially when
I'm looking sporty
378
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,829
in my new Chico's
denim utility vest.
379
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:57,999
Because I got
the store credit card,
380
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:02,128
I get 3% off, plus a free
bookmark on my birthday!
381
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:05,339
May God and the Koch brothers
have mercy on my soul.
382
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,675
So, to discredit
all these people
383
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,010
in Ted Cruz's
class‐action lawsuit,
384
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:12,805
we did like you said
and took out full‐page ads
385
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,765
attacking their character
in their hometown newspapers.
386
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,185
I think
it's really working,
387
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:20,813
because now they're all
suing you for libel.
388
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,481
‐Whew!
‐I don't feel well.
389
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,233
I'm starting to sweat
through my undersuit.
390
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,028
I need the calm,
soothing voice of Hannity.
391
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:29,280
Everyone, shut up!
392
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,658
Welcome back to
Rich Guys: Bad Boy Edition.
393
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,786
Rich Guys!
Bad Boy Edition.
394
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,873
I'm here with the newly minted
multimillionaire Ted Cruz.
395
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,541
And, boy, Ted, I've got
a bone to pick with you.
396
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,877
Get him, Sean!
397
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,378
It says here ‐‐ Hold on.
398
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,298
You made your fortune by
pilfering from the coffers
399
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:50,760
of the richest man in history,
President Donald Jackpot Trump.
400
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,094
What gives?
401
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,429
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's true.
402
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:55,097
That's true, Sean.
That's true.
403
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,226
But we live in a country
where no one‐percenter
404
00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,727
should ever
have to justify
405
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,022
why or how he obtained
his massive fortune!
406
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,691
Can't argue with that. Wow.
Ted Cruz, you won me over.
407
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,568
Now that you're not
just barely rich
408
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,945
but you're actually
fantastically rich,
409
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,072
I love everything
about you.
410
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,199
Can I just look at you?
411
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,992
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Just like that.
412
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,745
Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
413
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,915
‐Aaaaah!
‐Eeaaaah!
414
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,086
That's a lot
of nutmeg, Karen.
415
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,506
Oh, so, now you're
the nutmeg police?
416
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:32,134
Karen These cost
$4.99 apiece at Food Safe!
417
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,428
Come on.
Get seasoned, Daddy.
418
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,556
Ride the nut
with me, Mike.
419
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,015
What's next? Rosemary?
420
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,893
You're too late, baby.
I done did it.
421
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,019
Karen! No!
422
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,688
Give it to me!
I need it!
423
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,107
Mamma's gotta nut!
424
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,025
Oh! This is
all my fault!
425
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,111
I should never
have bought Jerry Jr.!
426
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,947
I should have let
what's lost stay buried.
427
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:53,864
But it ends today!
428
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:57,076
N‐o‐o‐o!
429
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,871
It's for your own good, Karen.
You've become an unruly woman.
430
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:05,167
So, that's how you want
to play it, Michael.
431
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,378
Please!
Not Jerry Jr.!
432
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,171
He doesn't understand
what's happening!
433
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,215
He's just
a little baby.
434
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:15,553
Look at you, standing there
all high and mighty,
435
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:19,765
with a shiny, new wide‐toothed
comb in your pocket!
436
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,017
It was free!
437
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:25,146
With a $5 shampoo
at Great Clips!
438
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,147
You hypocrite!
439
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,733
No! He can't wind up
like his daddy!
440
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,776
Goodbye, Jerry Jr.
441
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,238
And goodbye, Michael.
442
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:41,495
I can't believe I sprained
my hand grabbing Eric's scalp.
443
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,331
How could you do that
to me, Eric?!
444
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:45,583
You're right, Dad.
I shouldn't have ‐‐
445
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,043
What did I do, exactly?
446
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,212
Dad, these vendors
are literally
kicking me in the ass!
447
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,590
I got sucker‐punched
by a fucking florist!
448
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,008
You'll need more money if you
want to pay for this wedding.
449
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:58,679
And a new crop of bogus
swan wranglers.
450
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,724
Also, I fucked up the
hot‐tub filter really bad ‐‐
451
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,226
shit‐ton of egg whites
in there now. Heh‐heh.
452
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,979
Where is my
girthy groom hiding?
453
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:07,980
Everybody, shut up.
454
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,358
When Melania comes in here,
do not mention
455
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,484
anything about M‐O‐N‐E‐Y
456
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:15,571
dollar sign, dollar sign,
cha‐ching, cash, awooga!
457
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,615
Hello, sweetheart.
458
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,618
So nice of you to check on me.
Bye‐bye now.
459
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,620
You're acting weird.
460
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,996
And why is your hand
in a cast
461
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,706
and Eric missing
half of his hair?
462
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:28,042
Just your run‐of‐the‐mill
pre‐wedding bone snaps
and head trauma.
463
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,086
Are you excited for
the cocktail hour,
464
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,295
with redirected
asteroid fly‐over?
465
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:35,716
I nixed that. SpaceX wanted
a $3‐million deposit.
466
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,219
And when I didn't have it,
Elon Musk laughed my ass
467
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:41,472
straight out of
his rocket factory!
468
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:42,264
Ohh! Elon!
469
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,475
Ever since
the Forbes came out,
470
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,394
he keeps sending me
heart‐shaped Mars rocks,
471
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:50,856
so maybe I could call him
and ask for a discount.
472
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,400
No.
Absolutely not.
473
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,693
I've never
said this before,
474
00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:56,404
but, Melania,
we are paying full price.
475
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:59,031
Okay, great. I invited
my 100‐year‐old nana
476
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:03,327
who may survive one flight but
definitely won't survive two.
477
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:03,911
Dad, I love you,
478
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,746
but you are so fucked.
479
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:19,427
Mike, I'm gonna need to
stay with you for a while.
480
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,553
Money's a little tight.
481
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,013
Had to Airbnb my place
to Mnuchin.
482
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,515
He wanted to show his wife,
what's‐her‐name,
483
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,434
a piece of real
American history.
484
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:29,228
So, you put the squirrel
bait in here ‐‐
485
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,772
cheese, peanut butter,
some pert little acorn bulbs.
486
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,608
And then, bam, closes right
on the little sucker.
487
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:37,027
That's gross!
488
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:39,530
Count of three,
say what you're thinking.
489
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:40,698
One, two, three.
490
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:43,242
‐This place fucking sucks.
‐This place fucking sucks.
491
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,202
I'll take the bed.
It's not an imposition.
492
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,371
And I don't want to hear
another word about it.
493
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:49,665
Whatever. Nothing matters
now that I've lost
494
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,084
the two most important
things in my life ‐‐
495
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,127
my wife of 32 years
496
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,087
and my porcelain
angel pig.
497
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,213
What'd you do ‐‐
have an affair
498
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:58,466
and then publicize it
in a national newspaper?
499
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:02,970
‐No. We got into it over ‐‐
‐Eh, it turns out I don't care.
500
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,765
Mediterranean Breeze?
501
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,684
Cherries in Snow?
502
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,895
Sage and Citrus!
503
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:14,398
A nasal mistress!
504
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:20,821
Ma'am.
What are you doing?
505
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:25,326
You can't stop this
candle train to Wax Town!
506
00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:26,494
Aaaah!
507
00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:30,706
Your Oreo cookies taste
like crap, Mike.
508
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:34,043
Karen, it's me. Your husband.
Michael Pence.
509
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,336
I'll buy you all the
seasonings you want
510
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,339
and donate my comb
to the church.
511
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:41,175
Just, please,
come home.
512
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:44,386
I used to think it was men
licking each other's thighs,
513
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:47,765
but the love of money truly
is the root of all evil.
514
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,517
Look, Mike,
money's great.
515
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,811
It's just hard to
get rich and stay rich.
516
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:54,522
You should consider yourself
lucky to be poor as piss.
517
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:55,689
That way, you never
disappoint anybody.
518
00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:58,651
Let's hope the ladies I meet
in the dating pool agree.
519
00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:04,448
Say, do women still like being
taken to popcorn festivals?
520
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:06,033
Mike, get Karen back.
521
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:08,369
If she leaves you,
you'll be dead by dawn.
522
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,621
Ugh!
These Oreo cookies.
523
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:11,872
Yeah, you're right.
524
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:15,042
How do you maintain
your storybook romance?
525
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,378
Melania loves me
because I'm...
526
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,339
the richest man
in the whole world.
527
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:23,259
And America loves me,
too, right?!
528
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:24,802
Right, Mike?!
529
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:29,431
Tell me America loves me,
you stubborn fucking asshole!
530
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,766
Of course, sir.
531
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,561
Your supporters don't love you
because you're any old rich guy,
532
00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:37,982
but because you act like how
they would act if they got rich.
533
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:40,401
They'd have fast food
delivered on demand,
534
00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,235
they'd buy 20 TVs,
535
00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:43,737
and they'd blame
the world's ills
536
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,239
on those
less fortunate than them.
537
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,075
You know what, Mike?
You're right.
538
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:51,745
And you don't need three, four,
twelve billion trillion dollars
539
00:22:51,829 --> 00:22:53,205
to do those things.
540
00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:54,707
When all is said and done,
541
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:57,418
all you really need
is a billion dollars.
542
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,296
Pence residence. It's Sunday.
You should be in church.
543
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:03,424
Heavens to Betsy!
I'll be right there!
544
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,387
I knew women only
cared about money!
545
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:10,180
Shut up, Stephen,
or I'll tell Donald
546
00:23:10,264 --> 00:23:12,182
that you sneak into our room
to inhale his breath
547
00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:13,309
while he sleeps.
548
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,268
What I do with
your husband's breath
549
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:16,770
is none of
your business!
550
00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:18,939
Hmm.
551
00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:21,734
Forbes Magazine.
They do their research.
552
00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:25,779
I had to restrain her for her
own safety, as well as mine.
553
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:29,241
She bit my ear lobe pretty bad.
Swallowed my gauge, too.
554
00:23:29,325 --> 00:23:32,161
Oh, Kare Bear.
What has become of you?
555
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,495
Ohh.
I got carried away
556
00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:38,292
with the idea of being
a fancy woman about town,
557
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:41,170
walking out of Chico's
with enough bags
558
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:44,423
to feel like Julia Roberts
in "Pretty Woman"
559
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:48,510
after she found a store willing
to sell clothing to whores.
560
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:49,470
I am so sorry.
561
00:23:49,553 --> 00:23:52,681
No, Karen, I'm the one
who should be sorry.
562
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,809
I tried to keep up with all
those belt‐wearing hotshots
563
00:23:55,893 --> 00:23:56,977
in the Cabinet Room,
564
00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:59,772
and I endangered our union
in the process.
565
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:01,148
Do you forgive me?
566
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,653
Can I keep
the Chico's vest?
567
00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:06,904
Let's compromise.
568
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,239
You can visit it in the store
whenever you like.
569
00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:10,366
Deal.
570
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:12,493
Uh, Dad, this
fairy‐tale wedding
571
00:24:12,576 --> 00:24:16,038
has turned into
a fairy‐tale ass‐kicking!
572
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,332
It's time to
pony up some cash
573
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:21,335
or admit that you can't
afford this biatch!
574
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:22,336
I don't know, Don.
575
00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:23,337
Can you fight off
the vendors another day?
576
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,506
I mean,
your legs still bend.
577
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:26,674
I'm not gonna tell you
where the pastry chef
578
00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:30,678
just put the piping bag,
but now I'm a walking éclair.
579
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:34,306
He put it up my ass.
So make a decision, dude!
580
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:38,102
One billion dollars
581
00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:42,106
that I definitely do have.
582
00:24:43,524 --> 00:24:45,401
Donald, I've been
looking for you.
583
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:46,527
Melania.
584
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,828
Donald Trump's $1‐billion
wedding has been canceled!
585
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:59,540
The president says he refuses to
throw himself an amazing party
586
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,418
until our nation's borders
have been padlocked
587
00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:05,337
and the keys have been swallowed
by a mythical sea beast!
588
00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:07,881
Next up, has ISIS infiltrated
the wedding‐planning industry?
589
00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:11,635
We've got correspondent
Donald Trump Jr. on the phone.
590
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:14,513
The answer is,
yes, they fucking have.
591
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,056
ISIS fucked me up!
592
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:19,101
So, maybe we lost a few
million in swan deposits
593
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,729
and a six‐story wedding cake
with icing shutters.
594
00:25:21,812 --> 00:25:23,647
But at least I saved
Don Jr.'s life.
595
00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:26,025
To be clear, I'm the one
who canceled the wedding
596
00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,026
without you knowing.
597
00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:30,070
Yeah, but I'm the one
who couldn't afford it.
598
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,363
Fine. You win.
599
00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:35,242
Just stop lying to me
about money.
600
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,494
There's only so many lies
one woman can take.
601
00:25:37,578 --> 00:25:39,872
I thought you said you'd
never leave me over money.
602
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:41,582
Actually I said if I was
ever going to leave you,
603
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:46,670
I would have done it a long,
long, long time ago.
604
00:25:46,754 --> 00:25:48,672
Although, if your net worth
ever drops below $100 billion,
605
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:51,759
we will have to have
a serious discussion!
606
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:49,817
Trump!
47641
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