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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,583 --> 00:00:13,957 And now a message from our cartoon president. 2 00:00:13,958 --> 00:00:15,249 My fellow Americans 3 00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:18,124 and temporarily unfurloughed nonessential 4 00:00:18,125 --> 00:00:19,166 federal dead weight, 5 00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:21,749 we are one year into my presidency, 6 00:00:21,750 --> 00:00:25,499 and it's time to finally admit I am absolutely crushing it. 7 00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:28,790 These past few weeks alone, I've achieved headlines with words 8 00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:33,499 like "porn star," "shithole," and "cognitive function." 9 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,333 It's Showtime. I mean, I can say "shithole," right? 10 00:00:35,334 --> 00:00:39,082 Can I say 11 00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:42,790 No? We found the line for season one! 12 00:00:42,791 --> 00:00:44,166 So, how did I do it? 13 00:00:44,167 --> 00:00:48,333 Well, for one, everyone knows my brain has great bone structure. 14 00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:51,790 My doctor said that my I.Q. was 180/90. 15 00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:53,124 He said I'm so smart 16 00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:54,374 that he doesn't know how my organs function. 17 00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:56,790 I mean, I was a great athlete. 18 00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,374 The Yankees wanted me to sign, 19 00:00:58,375 --> 00:00:59,874 but I was in talks with the Knicks, 20 00:00:59,875 --> 00:01:02,874 which broke down because, how do you say no to the Yankees? 21 00:01:02,875 --> 00:01:04,832 One time, Steinbrenner's having a party, 22 00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:06,874 and Don King walks in with Roger Ailes 23 00:01:06,875 --> 00:01:09,999 and two of the hottest, youngest pieces of -- 24 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,707 So, why is this show called Our Cartoon President? 25 00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,041 No one knows. 26 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,416 But I'd like to think that it's because we're all 27 00:01:17,417 --> 00:01:18,749 in this together, folks. 28 00:01:18,750 --> 00:01:21,790 Each and every one of you voted for me, and the ones who didn't, 29 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,999 you kind of wanted to see what would happen, 30 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,208 and it's happening more than you could have imagined. 31 00:01:28,209 --> 00:01:32,082 Now, some are worried that this show might humanize me. 32 00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,665 Well, too late, folks. 33 00:01:33,666 --> 00:01:35,874 After my recent physical, Dr. Ronny assured me 34 00:01:35,875 --> 00:01:41,249 that I am a human being and there's no cure for that. 35 00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,499 I'm also our cartoon president, 36 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:47,124 and our show -- but really mine -- begins now. 37 00:01:56,791 --> 00:02:00,749 ♪ solemn music plays ♪ 38 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,790 President Trump enters this beautiful day 39 00:02:07,791 --> 00:02:09,832 with a historically low approval rating. 40 00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,624 Fake news. According to -- 41 00:02:11,625 --> 00:02:12,957 ...widely reviled... Fake news. 42 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:14,374 ...bad president... Fake news. 43 00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:15,582 ...piece of shit... Fake news. 44 00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,540 Temperature today -- 38, which is still higher 45 00:02:17,541 --> 00:02:18,292 than the president's approval rating. 46 00:02:18,293 --> 00:02:19,458 Fake weather. Tomorrow's -- 47 00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:21,458 ♪ upbeat music plays ♪ 48 00:02:21,459 --> 00:02:23,999 Okay, Fox & Friends, I'm ready. 49 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,374 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 50 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,499 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 51 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,790 Welcome to "Fox & Friends." 52 00:02:28,791 --> 00:02:31,790 It's 6:00 a.m., and, Mr. President, 53 00:02:31,791 --> 00:02:33,957 rise and shine, and I love you. 54 00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:35,124 I don't know what it is. 55 00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:37,082 There's just something about this show. 56 00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:38,624 Big week at the White House. 57 00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,540 First, the State of the Union address, 58 00:02:40,541 --> 00:02:41,874 delivered before a joint session of Congress 59 00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:44,957 broadcast to the eyes of the nation. 60 00:02:44,958 --> 00:02:46,832 Sucks for whoever booked that gig. 61 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,999 And that will be delivered by none other 62 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:49,666 than President Donald Trump. 63 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,916 And we're also celebrating 64 00:02:51,917 --> 00:02:53,999 the president's upcoming wedding anniversary. 65 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,957 Maybe if I'm quiet enough she'll sleep through it. 66 00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:00,082 Oh, Donald. Damn it! 67 00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:02,790 When you dragged me here from New York, I was sad, 68 00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:05,916 but every year, your anniversary gifts remind me 69 00:03:05,917 --> 00:03:08,707 that behind the suit the size of a beach cabana, 70 00:03:08,708 --> 00:03:11,416 there's a blue-cheese-obstructed heart. 71 00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:13,249 That's why this year I'm giving you 72 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,333 the most tremendous anniversary gift yet. 73 00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,208 You're gonna love it even better 74 00:03:18,209 --> 00:03:19,624 than taking you horse hunting. 75 00:03:19,625 --> 00:03:21,499 Really? You promise? 76 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,499 Hey, I didn't get three women to marry me 77 00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:25,208 by breaking promises. 78 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,459 Why are you looking at me? 79 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,665 There's a TV in the room. 80 00:03:32,666 --> 00:03:34,458 Here's what I don't understand. 81 00:03:34,459 --> 00:03:36,166 Why do they get Hanukkah off, 82 00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:39,582 but I have to go to work on President Trump's anniversary? 83 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:41,582 ♪ mid-tempo music plays ♪ 84 00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:43,665 And then Hillary called me to concede, 85 00:03:43,666 --> 00:03:45,208 and it was official -- 86 00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:47,458 I had won the presidency. 87 00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:50,624 And that's the daily recap of the 2016 election. 88 00:03:50,625 --> 00:03:52,249 Moving on to top stories. 89 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:54,124 A new Quinnipiac poll shows you've cut 90 00:03:54,125 --> 00:03:56,749 much of the excess fat from your approval ratings. 91 00:03:56,750 --> 00:03:57,874 I mean, you got to love an approval rating 92 00:03:57,875 --> 00:04:01,374 that's nice and trim. With a firm ass. 93 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,707 Nuch Dog coming in hot. 94 00:04:03,708 --> 00:04:06,041 A local deli has named a sandwich after you. 95 00:04:06,042 --> 00:04:07,042 And you didn't lead with that? 96 00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:08,707 Sir, I hate to interrupt, but have you prepared 97 00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:10,124 your State of the Union speech? 98 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:13,749 Well, I'm definitely gonna bring up that sandwich thing. 99 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,874 And then maybe I'll announce the national bird. 100 00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,749 Mr. President, we already have a national bird. 101 00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:20,166 It's the bald eagle. 102 00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,707 You make the bald eagle the national flower. 103 00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:23,916 Trump picks the bird. 104 00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:26,665 What happened at the end of today's Fox & Friends? 105 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,082 I only caught the first 170 minutes. 106 00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:32,374 Uh, Brian Kilmeade said you're fantastic? 107 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:35,540 Kilmeade using a three-syllable word? 108 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,333 What are you hiding? 109 00:04:37,334 --> 00:04:39,416 I give Trump's presidency a 10. 110 00:04:39,417 --> 00:04:42,540 10 for me. Well, I'm gonna go with a 9 111 00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:44,624 because a part of my brain is telling me 112 00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:45,790 that all of this is wrong. 113 00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:50,582 My God. I've lost Kilmeade. 114 00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:52,041 Gentlemen, 115 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,790 I took a look at my polls, 116 00:04:53,791 --> 00:04:57,291 and I'm sad to report that our worst fears have come true. 117 00:04:57,292 --> 00:05:01,458 Only 38% of Americans have good taste in presidents. 118 00:05:01,459 --> 00:05:04,208 Does this mean we're moving again? 119 00:05:04,209 --> 00:05:05,665 Shut up, Eric! 120 00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:07,999 Shut up, Don! Yeah, shut up, Don. 121 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,291 Shut up, Eric. 122 00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:10,624 I mean, that's actually why I called you both here. 123 00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:13,124 I love you, but I don't need you 124 00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:13,917 trying to goose my poll numbers. 125 00:05:13,918 --> 00:05:16,082 You leave the heavy lifting to me 126 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,124 and stick to your roles -- eating Gushers 127 00:05:18,125 --> 00:05:19,458 and barfing in hot tubs. 128 00:05:19,459 --> 00:05:21,540 You got it, Dad. Uh, hold on. 129 00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,624 Dad, we're the best bros you got, dude. 130 00:05:22,625 --> 00:05:25,665 We know Americans way better 131 00:05:25,666 --> 00:05:28,957 than some pollsters who surveyed Americans. 132 00:05:28,958 --> 00:05:30,499 This is the new normal, Don. 133 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:32,124 But don't worry about all this. 134 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,665 I got an easy trick presidents use 135 00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:35,417 to juice approval ratings. 136 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,832 War time, baby! 137 00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:40,082 Give me that nuclear football! 138 00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,166 Hyah! 139 00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:42,957 Give me that. -Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! 140 00:05:42,958 --> 00:05:46,499 Okay, okay. Fine, fine. 141 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,249 So, uh, anyone have any plans this week? 142 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:51,166 Give me! Uh, I got... 143 00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,999 -Come here. -Forget it. 144 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,665 If you're gonna hog the football, 145 00:05:54,666 --> 00:05:56,000 why not just take over the whole government? 146 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,208 Did he just ask us to wage a coup? 147 00:06:01,209 --> 00:06:02,125 I heard "coup." 148 00:06:02,126 --> 00:06:03,540 -He did, right? -I heard it, too. 149 00:06:03,541 --> 00:06:04,749 I definitely heard the word "coup." 150 00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:05,790 -That's what he heard. -Hey, hey. 151 00:06:05,791 --> 00:06:07,625 Keep your pants on, ladies. I'll handle this. 152 00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:12,707 Sir? 153 00:06:12,708 --> 00:06:16,333 I'm not talking to General Won't Let Me Start a War. 154 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,582 Mr. President, 155 00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:21,416 is this about what the mean man said on the TV? 156 00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:22,790 Maybe. 157 00:06:22,791 --> 00:06:25,916 If you really want to be popular, 158 00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:28,208 you don't use the weapons of war. 159 00:06:28,209 --> 00:06:32,333 You use the strongest weapon in the president's arsenal -- 160 00:06:32,334 --> 00:06:34,208 the State of the Union address. 161 00:06:34,209 --> 00:06:38,458 Every respected leader has used the State of the Union 162 00:06:38,459 --> 00:06:43,082 to lay out an inspiring and unified vision for the future. 163 00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:45,790 Franklin D. Roosevelt and the New Deal, 164 00:06:45,791 --> 00:06:48,957 L.B.J. and the Great Society, 165 00:06:48,958 --> 00:06:51,874 Ronald Reagan and the smooth taste 166 00:06:51,875 --> 00:06:53,957 of Chesterfield cigarettes. 167 00:06:53,958 --> 00:06:58,458 And now, President Trump, it's your turn. 168 00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:10,499 We've found the president's tax returns. 169 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:14,249 They say he's the richest man in the world! 170 00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:17,625 Reporting for duty, sir! 171 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,333 That's it! 172 00:07:20,334 --> 00:07:23,082 I'm gonna give the greatest State of the Union address 173 00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,333 in history. 174 00:07:24,334 --> 00:07:25,749 Mark my words, I'm gonna -- 175 00:07:28,791 --> 00:07:31,208 That's the closest I've gotten. 176 00:07:31,209 --> 00:07:33,041 Wow. What a rush. 177 00:07:33,042 --> 00:07:34,582 I'm coming for you. 178 00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:35,916 But until then, I'm gonna win 179 00:07:35,917 --> 00:07:39,166 the State of the fricking Union! 180 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,540 Fricking Union! Fricking Union! 181 00:07:40,541 --> 00:07:43,957 Fricking Union! 182 00:07:43,958 --> 00:07:46,124 ♪ solemn music plays ♪ Okay, Paul, 183 00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:49,458 before I lay out my vision for the State of the Union, 184 00:07:49,459 --> 00:07:51,291 what's the House pyrotechnics budget? 185 00:07:51,292 --> 00:07:52,957 We do not have one, sir. 186 00:07:52,958 --> 00:07:55,333 That said, I love where your head's at. 187 00:07:55,334 --> 00:07:56,125 We should totally cap it off 188 00:07:56,126 --> 00:07:58,582 with some sweet M80s, right, Nuch? 189 00:07:58,583 --> 00:08:00,540 Whoo! Whoo-hoo! 190 00:08:02,292 --> 00:08:06,458 -Gentlemen, if I may... -Whoo-whoo! 191 00:08:06,459 --> 00:08:09,582 Y'all looking at me like I'm crazy. 192 00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:11,041 I didn't start the whoo-whoos, did I? 193 00:08:11,042 --> 00:08:13,458 It's my solemn duty to remind everyone 194 00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:18,333 the State of the Union is not a self-aggrandizing spectacle. 195 00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:19,916 Ugh. Fine! 196 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:22,749 I guess I'll lay out an "agenda." 197 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,707 Let's hear some lines that'll get me a standing O. 198 00:08:25,708 --> 00:08:29,790 Poor people are gross, so let's put smallpox all over pennies. 199 00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:32,166 Nuch Dog with a banger. Keep it going. 200 00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:35,041 Too many people die every day, 201 00:08:35,042 --> 00:08:37,916 and -- and their perfectly good brains go to waste. 202 00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:41,416 We could use brain tissue as insulation 203 00:08:41,417 --> 00:08:44,166 for drafty office buildings 204 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:47,665 or, um, little, uh -- little pillows for big dogs. 205 00:08:47,666 --> 00:08:49,665 These sound great. I mean, that applause -- 206 00:08:49,666 --> 00:08:51,166 It's gonna be huge. 207 00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:53,874 So huge that it might finally fill the hole in my heart 208 00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:56,208 left by my callous, unloving father. 209 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,916 Whoo-whoo. 210 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,499 Well, how do we know the meeting is over? 211 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:08,375 Does someone say "ding-ding" or "ding-dong"? 212 00:09:12,209 --> 00:09:13,957 Look, Mike, I hate to do this, 213 00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:16,208 but I need to listen to you. 214 00:09:16,209 --> 00:09:17,540 I need to get Melania an anniversary gift. 215 00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:21,333 What do you get the woman who has the man who has everything? 216 00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:23,707 The Bible says in times of -- Skip it. 217 00:09:23,708 --> 00:09:27,416 I got Karen and her closest gal pals third-row tickets 218 00:09:27,417 --> 00:09:29,333 to Joel Osteen's prayer fest. 219 00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:32,707 I would have joined them, but my impure thoughts 220 00:09:32,708 --> 00:09:34,124 for an audiobook narrator 221 00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,749 forced me to take shelter in the arms of God for the evening. 222 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,665 So, wait, wait. 223 00:09:38,666 --> 00:09:40,707 You pawned Karen off on someone else? 224 00:09:40,708 --> 00:09:44,458 Why, she loves spending time with her fellow Christ-ettes. 225 00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:47,582 Say, why don't we set up the gals on a night out? 226 00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:48,583 Michael, have you met Karen? 227 00:09:48,584 --> 00:09:51,249 It's like talking to a human shower curtain. 228 00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,082 Why, thank you, sir. 229 00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,249 That's not a compliment, Michael. 230 00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:58,208 And then Ohio came in, and I was like, "Wow. 231 00:09:58,209 --> 00:10:00,249 I mean, I think this might happen." 232 00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,458 Yeah, whatever, Dad. 233 00:10:01,459 --> 00:10:03,874 So, I know you said we're out of our depth, 234 00:10:03,875 --> 00:10:05,665 but we can boost your image. 235 00:10:05,666 --> 00:10:07,416 Remember when everyone said you were 236 00:10:07,417 --> 00:10:09,041 the dumbest person in the world, 237 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,082 then we showed up on TV, 238 00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:12,124 and they were like, "We spoke too soon"? 239 00:10:12,125 --> 00:10:14,416 We could be your new spokesmen. 240 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:16,916 We should definitely get Susan on the paperwork. 241 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,416 Full disclosure, boys -- I sort of made up Susan 242 00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:21,790 so critics would think I had someone doing paperwork. 243 00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:23,249 Wa-- Susan's not real? 244 00:10:23,250 --> 00:10:26,291 But she sounded so nice on the phone. 245 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,333 That was Jared. 246 00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:28,707 All right. Forget Susan. 247 00:10:28,708 --> 00:10:29,999 Imagine it, Dad. 248 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,957 Your two sons on television, 249 00:10:31,958 --> 00:10:34,458 wearing makeup, kicking ass. 250 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:35,459 Interesting. 251 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:36,624 Well, any man willing 252 00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:38,124 to put on makeup for me has my trust. 253 00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:42,082 Go on TV, but no Sunday shows. 254 00:10:42,083 --> 00:10:43,042 Fuck yeah! 255 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,124 Stick to friendly confines -- Hannity. 256 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,166 But don't talk about Russia. 257 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:48,499 I'm good. It's Eric you got to worry about it. 258 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:52,082 Yeah, actually, Dad, uh, it's me you got to worry about. 259 00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:54,124 Eric, if you're ever in doubt, 260 00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,957 you just find a policeman and tell him you're lost. 261 00:10:56,958 --> 00:10:58,458 All right, Chuck and Nancy, 262 00:10:58,459 --> 00:10:59,999 before you try to slip your agenda 263 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,208 into the State of the Union, 264 00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:03,082 just know you can't soften me up 265 00:11:03,083 --> 00:11:04,665 with a bunch of New York talk. 266 00:11:04,666 --> 00:11:06,291 Of course not, Mr. President. 267 00:11:06,292 --> 00:11:07,832 We're not going to talk about New York. 268 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,999 What about it? 269 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,333 I was taking the Staten Island ferry the other day. 270 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,999 Empire State Building. Hudson River. 271 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,707 Katz's Deli. Pizza! 272 00:11:16,708 --> 00:11:18,333 Uh, train track! 273 00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:19,665 Central Park! 274 00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:21,499 Five. Okay, you won me over. 275 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,832 What do you want me to do? 276 00:11:22,833 --> 00:11:25,416 Just add the word "progress" to your speech 277 00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:26,916 so we can tell our donors 278 00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:29,790 that you capitulated to all our demands. 279 00:11:29,791 --> 00:11:31,166 You don't even have to mean it. 280 00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:33,082 Now you're playing to my strengths. 281 00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,208 And, by the way, who's in charge of your party? 282 00:11:35,209 --> 00:11:36,999 Right now it seems like a bunch of seagulls 283 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,540 fighting over a potato chip. 284 00:11:44,833 --> 00:11:45,666 Ted Cruz! Aah! 285 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,832 What the hell are you doing here? 286 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:48,957 What am I doing here? 287 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:49,958 What are you doing to your teeth? 288 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,041 I'm brushing them. 289 00:11:51,042 --> 00:11:53,416 You got hair on your teeth? 290 00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:54,042 What am I missing here, Don? 291 00:11:54,043 --> 00:11:55,999 What do you want, Ted? 292 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,374 I decided to pick the lock on your bedroom, 293 00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,041 sneak into your shower, and wait for you to come in 294 00:12:01,042 --> 00:12:03,540 so I could bounce a State of the Union idea off you. 295 00:12:03,541 --> 00:12:05,916 Oh, here we go. Here's what I'm thinking. 296 00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:09,291 Around minute three, you pretend like you've lost your place, 297 00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:12,208 say, "Oh, the hell with it," and let your good pal Ted Cruz 298 00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:13,209 take the reins. No can do, Ted. 299 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,624 But if it gets you out of my bathroom, 300 00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:17,374 I'll tell people you're not that bad of a guy 301 00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:18,624 so they stop judging a book by its odor. 302 00:12:18,625 --> 00:12:22,416 That's got to be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 303 00:12:22,417 --> 00:12:25,749 And in return, I promise not to stab you in the back 304 00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:26,957 for the sake of attention. 305 00:12:26,958 --> 00:12:28,291 Great. Anything else? 306 00:12:28,292 --> 00:12:30,374 Now, is everyone brushing their teeth, 307 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,291 or is this, like, an alternative-medicine thing? 308 00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:35,291 As we all know, President Trump and I 309 00:12:35,292 --> 00:12:37,374 haven't always seen eye to eye, 310 00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:38,416 but our boy has turned a corner 311 00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:42,540 and decided to do things the Washington way, 312 00:12:42,541 --> 00:12:47,582 and I have agreed to value political expediency 313 00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:51,166 over my conscience. 314 00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,208 ♪ up-tempo music plays ♪ 315 00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:54,416 Hannity! 316 00:12:54,417 --> 00:12:56,416 The American people all agree 317 00:12:56,417 --> 00:12:58,416 that the Democrat deserve to drown. 318 00:12:58,417 --> 00:13:01,082 Moving on, let's welcome the greatest sons 319 00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:02,749 of the greatest president in history. 320 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:05,665 First, let me just say it's an honor to be in the presence 321 00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:07,582 of what used to be Donald Trump's sperm. 322 00:13:07,583 --> 00:13:09,916 I'm feeling the high. Great to be here, man. 323 00:13:09,917 --> 00:13:11,999 The presidency is going so well. 324 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,707 Good morning, Sean. 325 00:13:13,708 --> 00:13:14,832 I am Eric. 326 00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,624 Let's start with the first question 327 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,124 your dad told me to ask you. 328 00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:20,208 Why are you good? Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean, 329 00:13:20,209 --> 00:13:21,665 but I just need to say right up front 330 00:13:21,666 --> 00:13:23,916 that we are not here to talk about Russia. 331 00:13:23,917 --> 00:13:25,624 Of course. That's nonsense. Russia doesn't exist. 332 00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:29,082 Dad told us we're not allowed to talk about it. 333 00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:30,540 Uh, that Russia stuff is secret. 334 00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,208 I doubt we've even been to Russia. 335 00:13:32,209 --> 00:13:33,665 I do not recall. Yes, 336 00:13:33,666 --> 00:13:35,208 and anyone who says otherwise 337 00:13:35,209 --> 00:13:37,665 can join Democratic drowning victims in hell. 338 00:13:37,666 --> 00:13:38,749 It's funny, Sean. 339 00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:41,124 The Russia stuff is so good at being fake 340 00:13:41,125 --> 00:13:43,749 that it almost feels entirely real. 341 00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:45,374 Totally. But, like, if it was fake, 342 00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:48,291 why would Dad be so mad about it? 343 00:13:48,292 --> 00:13:49,499 You'd think he'd be like, 344 00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,916 "Oh, that's not a thing, and we're moving on." 345 00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:53,540 Eric, you're talking about it. 346 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,291 Shut up, or Dad's gonna be so mad. 347 00:13:56,292 --> 00:13:58,999 Dad, we messed it up! 348 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,458 You make it so hard. 349 00:14:01,459 --> 00:14:02,790 Fuck you, Dad. 350 00:14:02,791 --> 00:14:05,458 I'm sorry. 351 00:14:05,459 --> 00:14:07,832 When we come back, 352 00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:11,124 Rudy Giuliani and I will talk over a black doctor, 353 00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:13,166 and later, we'll watch an American flag throw a football. 354 00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:15,874 Roll the reverse-mortgage ad. 355 00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,540 And then they called Wisconsin, and I was president. 356 00:14:18,541 --> 00:14:19,957 Do you want to hear it again? 357 00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:21,499 Always. 358 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:24,790 But, first, how's your State of the Union address coming? 359 00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:26,665 Terrific. Stephen Miller's writing it. 360 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,999 I mean, that guy's incredible at channeling my voice. 361 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,124 Oh, Anamalick, demon of the unheard, 362 00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:35,790 guide my syntax that it may traverse 363 00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:38,208 the valley of darkest woe. 364 00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:39,125 Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot. 365 00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:41,333 That's great. 366 00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:43,707 And I've just been informed of your anniversary. 367 00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:47,832 So, what do you have planned with the little lady? 368 00:14:47,833 --> 00:14:49,957 Well, I'd love to say, but I really don't like 369 00:14:49,958 --> 00:14:51,832 to throw my wealth in people's faces. 370 00:14:51,833 --> 00:14:53,124 Ah, come on, Donald. 371 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,082 We're all pretending to be friends here. 372 00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:56,874 Okay, okay. 373 00:14:56,875 --> 00:15:00,041 It was gonna be a big surprise, but here it is -- 374 00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:01,665 limo, dinner, 375 00:15:01,666 --> 00:15:05,333 a tremendous luxurious night on the town 376 00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:07,874 for you and Karen Pence. 377 00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:11,999 Don't wait up, boys. 378 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,874 We're going to a restaurant. 379 00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:17,041 Karen Pence? 380 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:19,707 She doesn't even know the first thing about fashion. 381 00:15:19,708 --> 00:15:21,416 She told me her favorite designer 382 00:15:21,417 --> 00:15:22,999 is Cracker Barrel gift shop. 383 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,416 Honey, until I get a better job, 384 00:15:24,417 --> 00:15:25,582 we're stuck here, so make nice with Karen. 385 00:15:25,583 --> 00:15:27,957 Unh-unh-unh! No tartar in Texas! 386 00:15:27,958 --> 00:15:29,208 Oh, no. 387 00:15:29,209 --> 00:15:30,458 What's Ted Cruz doing now? Mnh-mnh-mnh! 388 00:15:30,459 --> 00:15:32,624 When I heard the president and his phony-baloney cronies 389 00:15:32,625 --> 00:15:36,249 in Washingtoni-ony were working on an agenda 390 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:39,416 that will bankrupt regular folks, I thought, 391 00:15:39,417 --> 00:15:42,082 "What is the most callous, most self-serving thing 392 00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,249 that I can do?" 393 00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,749 And here I am, Ted Cruz! 394 00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,916 Calling for a boycott of the State of the Union address. 395 00:15:48,917 --> 00:15:53,416 Additionally, I will be moving forward on brushing my teeth. 396 00:15:53,417 --> 00:15:56,416 Just need to find a toothpaste that goes down smooth. 397 00:15:56,417 --> 00:15:59,082 We know we screwed up by making a passing reference to Russia, 398 00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,790 but we can fix this. 399 00:16:00,791 --> 00:16:03,707 We just have to get everyone to feel really bad for us. 400 00:16:03,708 --> 00:16:06,208 And so Eric's gonna go, and he's gonna disappear 401 00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:07,582 into the Bermuda Triangle. 402 00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:10,582 Really, Eric? You're okay with this? 403 00:16:10,583 --> 00:16:12,208 Yeah. I mean, I'm sort of just hearing it 404 00:16:12,209 --> 00:16:14,374 for the first time now. 405 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,874 You know what? You've done enough. 406 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,790 You'd better hope my brain makes me tweet 407 00:16:17,791 --> 00:16:19,458 something that distracts the media. 408 00:16:19,459 --> 00:16:21,874 It's really anyone's guess until I get on that toilet. 409 00:16:21,875 --> 00:16:25,041 And the dog on my dress is chasing a bone, 410 00:16:25,042 --> 00:16:27,166 and the bone is on my back. 411 00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:28,125 Oh, my God. 412 00:16:28,126 --> 00:16:31,916 Now, here's where things get really kooky. 413 00:16:31,917 --> 00:16:34,208 This dress has pockets. 414 00:16:34,209 --> 00:16:35,624 More wine! 415 00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:36,874 You know what you need, Melanarnia? 416 00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:41,832 You have this look that says, "I'm not from around here." 417 00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:45,707 What if I told you my gay barber stays open late on Mondays? 418 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:46,292 Ooh! 419 00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:48,540 Honey, I think -- 420 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:51,166 Do not talk to me right now. 421 00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:54,707 All I was gonna say is that you look like Karen Pence. 422 00:16:54,708 --> 00:16:57,749 She tried to baptize me in reflecting pool. 423 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,499 Would it kill you to go with the flow 424 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,333 of the life I blundered us into? 425 00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:05,208 Donald, when I moved here, you were the only thing I knew. 426 00:17:05,209 --> 00:17:06,333 You were my home. 427 00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:09,665 But when you act like this, I feel like a refugee. 428 00:17:09,666 --> 00:17:11,665 So, tomorrow, I go back to New York. 429 00:17:11,666 --> 00:17:14,458 Katz Deli. I mean don't go, don't go. 430 00:17:14,459 --> 00:17:15,832 Good night, Donald. 431 00:17:15,833 --> 00:17:16,334 Good night, LaGuardia. 432 00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:19,249 I mean Melania. 433 00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:28,000 ♪ dramatic music plays ♪ 434 00:17:28,001 --> 00:17:30,082 Uhh! 435 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,499 Uhh... 436 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,582 Oh, God. 437 00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:35,208 Where's your fire truck, loser? 438 00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:40,166 We found Trump's tax return. 439 00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:43,374 Turns out, he's only very rich! 440 00:17:43,375 --> 00:17:45,874 Melania, will you marry me? 441 00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,624 Yes, Colin! 442 00:17:47,625 --> 00:17:49,540 Hey, Donald! 443 00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:51,041 I used your toothbrush. 444 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,124 Ah, Ted Cruz! 445 00:17:57,125 --> 00:18:01,249 That's a menace! 446 00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:08,540 He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. 447 00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:10,624 I like people that weren't captured, okay? 448 00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,416 I hate to tell you. 449 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,999 But what we want to do 450 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,707 is to replenish the Social Security trust fund. 451 00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,166 Such a nasty woman. 452 00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:19,749 Look at that. I was so young. 453 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:23,374 They're bringing crime. They're rapists. 454 00:18:23,375 --> 00:18:26,374 And some, I assume, are good people. 455 00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:29,082 It's amazing. I still have that same suit. 456 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,249 ...what we're getting. 457 00:18:30,250 --> 00:18:32,582 And it only makes common sense. 458 00:18:32,583 --> 00:18:34,957 When did I lose my way, boys? 459 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,291 It's this city. 460 00:18:36,292 --> 00:18:40,166 It's these Washington losers with the "you can't say that" 461 00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:42,790 and "you can't put a mini-fridge in your bathroom. 462 00:18:42,791 --> 00:18:44,999 It would be 'unhygienic.'" 463 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,249 Here's the deal. 464 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,957 Washington's gonna criticize us no matter what we do. 465 00:18:48,958 --> 00:18:51,665 So we should just do us, which is you. 466 00:18:51,666 --> 00:18:54,166 I want to see the guy who sued my mom, 467 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,416 the guy who totally owned a Gold Star family 468 00:18:56,417 --> 00:18:57,832 on national television, 469 00:18:57,833 --> 00:19:01,374 the guy who slapped me when I underordered at Chili's. 470 00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:02,458 You're right. 471 00:19:02,459 --> 00:19:04,999 See this guy. "Uh, I don't know what I said. 472 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,458 Uh, I don't remember!" 473 00:19:06,459 --> 00:19:08,374 That's the real Donald Trump. "I don't remember." 474 00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:11,333 That's who's gonna win the State of the Union. 475 00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:13,124 Uh, what should we do? 476 00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:14,790 Just do what you do best, boys, 477 00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:16,707 which, to be clear, is nothing. 478 00:19:16,708 --> 00:19:19,832 Got it. We'll do the most nothing ever, Dad. 479 00:19:25,292 --> 00:19:28,082 Tonight is President Trump's first State of the Union, 480 00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,499 and everyone's wondering, "What will he do?" 481 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,832 Will he embrace Washington 482 00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:34,291 or take a 40-minute call with Carl Icahn? 483 00:19:34,292 --> 00:19:35,333 Make it up the podium stairs 484 00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:38,166 or deliver the address from the doorway? 485 00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,416 Mr. President, 486 00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:44,166 I present "State of the Union 2018: Blood Horizon." 487 00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:47,416 Allow me to read you one of the more tame passages. 488 00:19:47,417 --> 00:19:50,166 And, lo, the tide of Caucasian might 489 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:51,916 will crush down on the shore of Chicago, 490 00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:56,166 turning Lake Michigan seas red with the blood 491 00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:57,249 of the irredeemably unemployed. 492 00:19:57,250 --> 00:20:00,124 Great stuff. We can use it for another speech. 493 00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,458 I'll tell Susan to keep it on file. 494 00:20:06,125 --> 00:20:09,333 Melania, the State of the Union is about to start. 495 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:10,582 I'm going to New York. 496 00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:12,874 I have tickets to Stomp in six hours. 497 00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:16,041 Melania, I know you didn't want to come here. 498 00:20:16,042 --> 00:20:17,249 None of us did. 499 00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,999 But Hillary didn't go to Wisconsin, so here we are. 500 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,874 And we have to make the best of a bad situation. 501 00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:25,582 Come on, babe, time to go. 502 00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:27,916 We can chitchat when we're all in prison. 503 00:20:27,917 --> 00:20:29,707 ♪ epic music plays ♪ 504 00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:32,374 I told you guys not to do anything. 505 00:20:32,375 --> 00:20:34,499 We just wanted to show you that we're not bad at everything. 506 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:38,041 ♪ Duh-da-da-da ♪ 507 00:20:38,042 --> 00:20:39,540 Do you like it? 508 00:20:39,541 --> 00:20:40,874 Wow. 509 00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:44,707 When you guys confirmed my ties to a hostile foreign power, 510 00:20:44,708 --> 00:20:49,499 I'll admit I was pretty miffed, but this is awesome! 511 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,582 Dad, how about a hug? 512 00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,874 I'd love that, but maybe close your mouth first. 513 00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:55,832 I don't want to have to change my suit. 514 00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:57,249 Oh, it is closed. 515 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,540 Don, am I crazy? Is it open? 516 00:20:58,541 --> 00:21:00,582 Yeah, Dad, it's open. 517 00:21:00,583 --> 00:21:03,249 It's always open. 518 00:21:05,417 --> 00:21:08,665 Mr. Speaker, 519 00:21:08,666 --> 00:21:12,374 the President of the United States' son. 520 00:21:12,375 --> 00:21:14,082 Ladies and gentlemen, 521 00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:16,374 America is on fire, 522 00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:20,249 and there's only one man who can put it out -- 523 00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:26,874 President Donald J. Truuuuump! 524 00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:41,999 My fellow Americans, 525 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,458 the State of the Union is... 526 00:21:48,292 --> 00:21:48,791 I love you, Dad. 527 00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:51,541 I love me, too! 528 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:58,790 The next seven years will be tremendous! 529 00:21:58,791 --> 00:22:01,749 First, I'm gonna finish this speech, 530 00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:04,124 and it's gonna be a huge success! 531 00:22:04,125 --> 00:22:06,499 Then we're gonna take all the Time's Up pins 532 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,166 and melt them into guns. 533 00:22:09,167 --> 00:22:13,624 And during sweeps week, get your passports ready, 534 00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:17,749 because we're taking the whole country to Hawaii! 535 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,166 Okay, folks, 536 00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,333 let's bang out these special guests. 537 00:22:25,334 --> 00:22:26,499 Bing, bang, boom. 538 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:28,124 We got cop, fireman, woman thing, 539 00:22:28,125 --> 00:22:31,749 science guy, the sandwich named after me. 540 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,291 They're all patriots, folks. 541 00:22:34,625 --> 00:22:36,624 Loving it! 542 00:22:36,625 --> 00:22:39,832 You know, ever since I won the Electoral College 543 00:22:39,833 --> 00:22:42,458 by the largest margin in history, 544 00:22:42,459 --> 00:22:44,832 Washington has tried to box me in, 545 00:22:44,833 --> 00:22:47,333 make me say dumb dictionary words like "progress," 546 00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:51,499 and give handshakes that end the same day they began, 547 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,416 but that's not who I am. 548 00:22:53,417 --> 00:22:59,291 Donald Trump thinks freely, brags bigly, and bings bongly! 549 00:22:59,292 --> 00:23:00,209 One moment, I'm talking cake, 550 00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:03,124 and the next, I'm threatening nukes! 551 00:23:04,043 --> 00:23:05,208 I'm gonna get it, 552 00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:06,832 and I'm not giving it back! 553 00:23:06,833 --> 00:23:08,875 We'll see how you'll like it. 554 00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,082 But what I want to talk to you about right now 555 00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:16,957 is my wife, Ivana -- Ivanka, Melanka -- Melania. 556 00:23:16,958 --> 00:23:18,790 Yes, Melania. 557 00:23:18,791 --> 00:23:21,540 She gave up a lot to be here in Washington -- 558 00:23:21,541 --> 00:23:23,957 escalators, pizza, 559 00:23:23,958 --> 00:23:26,333 and I don't thank her enough. 560 00:23:28,125 --> 00:23:29,582 I don't thank you enough either. 561 00:23:29,583 --> 00:23:32,041 Oh, thank you, Jared. 562 00:23:32,042 --> 00:23:35,249 If you loved me, you'd tell your dad to fire me. 563 00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:37,999 Oh, Jared, that will never happen. 564 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,249 That is why, in the spirit of returning to my impulsive ways, 565 00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:45,291 that I'm gonna name Melania -- oh, I don't know -- 566 00:23:45,292 --> 00:23:46,540 national bird. 567 00:23:46,541 --> 00:23:47,500 Do we like that? 568 00:23:47,501 --> 00:23:48,749 We like it. 569 00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,708 Come on up, Bird. 570 00:23:52,958 --> 00:23:55,957 How do you like your anniversary gift? 571 00:23:55,958 --> 00:23:57,582 You're back. 572 00:23:58,376 --> 00:24:01,041 Wow, look at these gibblets! 573 00:24:01,042 --> 00:24:02,582 All the fixings! 574 00:24:02,583 --> 00:24:04,707 You all want to hear a bird sound? 575 00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:05,874 Caw-caw! Caw-caw! 576 00:24:05,875 --> 00:24:09,249 She's working on it, folks. 577 00:24:12,083 --> 00:24:14,916 I give the president's speech a 10. 578 00:24:14,917 --> 00:24:17,374 10 over here. Brian? 579 00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:21,124 I'm gonna say a 9.9 because, again, 580 00:24:21,125 --> 00:24:24,166 a tiny part of my brain -- and it's so small -- 581 00:24:24,167 --> 00:24:26,665 but it's screaming that all of this is completely wrong. 582 00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:29,041 I'll take it. 583 00:24:29,042 --> 00:24:31,499 Melania, I won the State of the Union, 584 00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:34,540 and I couldn't have done it without you staying quiet 585 00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:36,374 about the porn star I paid off. 586 00:24:36,375 --> 00:24:39,291 I feel like I won the State of the Union. 587 00:24:39,292 --> 00:24:41,374 Right. Well, you kind of didn't, 588 00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:43,957 because it turns out there's already a national bird. 589 00:24:43,958 --> 00:24:45,790 Not a lot of people know that. 590 00:24:45,791 --> 00:24:47,624 But there is some good news. 591 00:24:47,625 --> 00:24:49,832 What's this? 592 00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:53,582 An executive order proclaiming that I tried to make you happy. 593 00:24:53,583 --> 00:24:55,665 Donald, thank you. 594 00:24:57,666 --> 00:24:58,707 More good news. 595 00:24:58,708 --> 00:25:01,582 My State of the Union ratings were so high, 596 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,832 they asked me to do it again next year! 597 00:25:03,833 --> 00:25:05,333 Yay! 598 00:25:05,334 --> 00:25:06,540 ♪ rock music plays ♪ 599 00:25:06,541 --> 00:25:09,874 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 600 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:13,333 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 601 00:25:13,334 --> 00:25:15,790 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 602 00:25:15,791 --> 00:25:17,166 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 603 00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:20,374 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 604 00:25:20,375 --> 00:25:23,041 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 605 00:25:23,042 --> 00:25:24,499 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 606 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:27,499 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 607 00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:33,417 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 608 00:25:33,958 --> 00:25:36,416 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 609 00:25:36,417 --> 00:25:39,832 ♪ He is our president ♪ 610 00:25:39,833 --> 00:25:43,291 ♪ We made him president ♪ 611 00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:45,665 ♪ We did it ♪ 612 00:25:45,666 --> 00:25:49,582 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 613 00:25:49,583 --> 00:25:52,665 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 614 00:25:52,666 --> 00:25:56,166 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 615 00:25:56,167 --> 00:25:59,707 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 616 00:25:59,708 --> 00:26:02,499 ♪ Yeah ♪ 617 00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:04,707 Trump! 618 00:26:04,708 --> 00:26:05,625 Gotcha. Let's have some fun. 45884

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