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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,053 --> 00:00:11,119 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 2 00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:13,288 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 3 00:00:13,390 --> 00:00:15,757 Don't believe anything you see, hear, or smell. 4 00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:16,925 It's Fox & Friends. 5 00:00:17,027 --> 00:00:20,328 Well, the witch hunt against men has claimed another victim, 6 00:00:20,430 --> 00:00:22,664 White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter. 7 00:00:22,766 --> 00:00:24,131 He allegedly took part 8 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,367 in some old-fashioned spousal roughhousing. 9 00:00:26,470 --> 00:00:29,270 And now for a phone call that should feel unprecedented, 10 00:00:29,372 --> 00:00:31,138 but has become alarmingly routine ... 11 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,607 it's President Donald Trump. 12 00:00:32,859 --> 00:00:35,259 I'm freaking out over this story 13 00:00:35,361 --> 00:00:37,027 that I flew in a Playmate for sex. 14 00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:40,164 I don't want it out there that I reimburse people for travel. 15 00:00:40,266 --> 00:00:42,833 Fantastic. So, the FBI gave the White House a report 16 00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:46,069 talking about this Porter stuff, but you never heard about it. 17 00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:48,739 I still haven't, and nothing can ever change that. 18 00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:51,008 Besides, the investigation wasn't even done. 19 00:00:51,110 --> 00:00:53,110 You've got to let that evidence marinate, 20 00:00:53,211 --> 00:00:54,511 or it's gonna come out dry. 21 00:00:54,613 --> 00:00:56,680 You're good with all this, right, Ainsley? 22 00:00:56,782 --> 00:00:59,582 I can't say that I am, because, as a woman with dignity... 23 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:00,784 Anyways, Mr. President, 24 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,886 what will you miss most about Rob Porter? 25 00:01:02,988 --> 00:01:05,488 So much ... the way he'd slam doors, 26 00:01:05,590 --> 00:01:07,858 and the way he would sprint down the hallways, 27 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,460 screaming, "Lock me up before I do something bad!" 28 00:01:10,562 --> 00:01:12,995 Eric, get off the phone. 29 00:01:13,097 --> 00:01:15,331 I will have the rock shrimp tempura. 30 00:01:15,433 --> 00:01:19,247 Eric! Lie in the tub until someone comes and gets you! 31 00:01:19,282 --> 00:01:22,556 - Sorry! - Rock shrimp tempura sounds delicious. 32 00:01:22,591 --> 00:01:24,240 Someone tell Eric to get out of the tub. 33 00:01:24,342 --> 00:01:27,476 I've got to take a shower. I don't want him staring at my nads. 34 00:01:27,578 --> 00:01:29,378 Eric, let your brother take a shower. 35 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,914 Mr. President, when did Chief of Staff John Kelly 36 00:01:32,016 --> 00:01:33,515 learn about these allegations? 37 00:01:33,617 --> 00:01:35,584 Quick, Doocy, smother him with a pillow! 38 00:01:35,687 --> 00:01:38,120 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 39 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,492 Wow! How about this title, folks? 40 00:01:43,794 --> 00:01:46,661 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 41 00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:58,700 Donald, can't we watch something else? 42 00:01:58,802 --> 00:02:01,102 I'm sick of watching Fox News. 43 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,171 They're always repeating your opinions 44 00:02:03,273 --> 00:02:04,973 a few hours before you say them. 45 00:02:05,075 --> 00:02:08,176 Melania, when we got married, we agreed that our relationship 46 00:02:08,278 --> 00:02:11,245 would never get in the way of my relationship with television. 47 00:02:11,347 --> 00:02:14,015 People say a lot of crazy things on their wedding day. 48 00:02:14,117 --> 00:02:15,783 You're watching... PBS? 49 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:21,589 Welcome back to History's Greatest Presidents: 2009 to Present. 50 00:02:21,691 --> 00:02:25,293 Oh, here we go! Enough already! 51 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,928 At number one, it's Barack Obama. 52 00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:31,299 Not only did he save the nation from economic Armageddon 53 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,533 and kill enemy number one, 54 00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:36,269 he also looked and sounded good doing it. 55 00:02:36,371 --> 00:02:38,872 ♪ I'm ♪ 56 00:02:38,975 --> 00:02:42,009 ♪ Showering love on you ♪ 57 00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:44,511 They must've made this list before I was born. 58 00:02:44,614 --> 00:02:48,381 Donald, am I detecting a hint of jealousy? 59 00:02:48,484 --> 00:02:50,883 Please. Melania, do you really think 60 00:02:50,986 --> 00:02:53,320 I'm so insecure that I would get jealous of Obama 61 00:02:53,422 --> 00:02:55,021 then lash out at, I don't know, 62 00:02:55,124 --> 00:02:56,956 some furniture he once used? 63 00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:03,029 Sir... Sir, you may need that later. 64 00:03:03,132 --> 00:03:05,898 Just so you know, that desk has been in the White House 65 00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:09,736 - for over 140 years. - Just once I'd like to power-saw 66 00:03:09,838 --> 00:03:13,039 through a national relic without someone riding my ass. 67 00:03:13,141 --> 00:03:14,774 Man, I'm bushed. 68 00:03:14,876 --> 00:03:18,111 If anyone asks where I am, just tell them that I woke up, 69 00:03:18,212 --> 00:03:20,680 power-sawed my desk, and am now bushed. 70 00:03:20,782 --> 00:03:23,815 Mr. President, I think we both know this isn't about the desk. 71 00:03:23,917 --> 00:03:25,484 It's about your ongoing obsession 72 00:03:25,586 --> 00:03:27,719 with getting rid of all things Obama. 73 00:03:27,821 --> 00:03:29,221 Come on. Why would I be jealous 74 00:03:29,323 --> 00:03:32,458 of a guy with exhausting charisma, a distractingly bright smile, 75 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,278 - and only one voice in his head? - Whatever the reason, 76 00:03:35,279 --> 00:03:37,929 perhaps if you got to work on building your own legacy, 77 00:03:38,032 --> 00:03:40,032 you wouldn't worry so much about Obama's. 78 00:03:40,134 --> 00:03:42,941 Don't try to Freud me on this one. I'm micropenis. 79 00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:44,269 I mean, impenetrable. 80 00:03:44,471 --> 00:03:46,738 Could you clarify some of my assignments? 81 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,507 I-I can kinda wrap my head around the Middle East thing, 82 00:03:49,609 --> 00:03:52,110 but I'm just not sure about, uh ... Let me see here ... 83 00:03:52,212 --> 00:03:54,412 renaming the Virgin Islands after your friends? 84 00:03:54,514 --> 00:03:56,681 Hello. Just tell them St. John changed genders 85 00:03:56,783 --> 00:03:58,416 and now goes by St. Linda McMahon. 86 00:03:58,518 --> 00:04:01,586 Great. Well, that only leaves about 100 other things I got to do. 87 00:04:01,688 --> 00:04:04,455 101. I need you to find me a desk bigger than Obama's. 88 00:04:04,558 --> 00:04:06,457 Something historically significant, 89 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,759 but also with a hot-oil popcorn popper. 90 00:04:08,861 --> 00:04:11,395 Hey, you guys notice anything different? 91 00:04:11,497 --> 00:04:14,364 I'll give you a hint. My desk is bigger. 92 00:04:14,466 --> 00:04:17,234 Wow. Well, that's certainly different 93 00:04:17,336 --> 00:04:19,136 than President Obama's desk. 94 00:04:19,238 --> 00:04:22,372 Now, who is this Obama guy everyone's talking about? 95 00:04:22,474 --> 00:04:24,441 Was he the guy that left One Direction? 96 00:04:24,543 --> 00:04:26,310 You're thinking of Zayn. 97 00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:29,112 Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States. 98 00:04:29,215 --> 00:04:31,915 Anyways. Big rally in Arizona tomorrow night! 99 00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:33,450 Let's announce a fun new bill, 100 00:04:33,552 --> 00:04:35,952 you know, something that really makes people wonder 101 00:04:36,054 --> 00:04:37,821 if things can keep going on like this. 102 00:04:37,923 --> 00:04:41,391 Maybe a bill saying all salads must be 90% crouton. 103 00:04:41,493 --> 00:04:45,729 Well, Congress really isn't in the passing-bills business anymore. 104 00:04:45,831 --> 00:04:47,964 It's more just a nice, warm place 105 00:04:48,066 --> 00:04:50,900 for members to launch talk-radio careers. 106 00:04:51,002 --> 00:04:53,036 But if you want to go down that alley, 107 00:04:53,138 --> 00:04:56,039 we can enact the Bowles-Simpson Commission 108 00:04:56,141 --> 00:05:00,476 Recommendations on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. 109 00:05:00,578 --> 00:05:02,811 Bowl Soupson? What the hell is that? 110 00:05:02,913 --> 00:05:05,681 - Obama couldn't pass it. - Done. Put it in the prompter. 111 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,784 - Phonetically, sir? - Don't be a smartass. 112 00:05:09,754 --> 00:05:11,120 Yes. 113 00:05:11,222 --> 00:05:13,256 Wait till my big finale. 114 00:05:13,358 --> 00:05:17,092 You'll see these pipes aren't just for waking up the kitchen staff at midnight. 115 00:05:17,194 --> 00:05:19,728 ♪ Bing-bong bing-bing bing-bong bing-bong ♪ 116 00:05:19,830 --> 00:05:22,697 ♪ Bing-bong bing-bing bong-bing bung-bing-bong ♪ 117 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,833 Wall. Waaaaall. 118 00:05:24,935 --> 00:05:27,002 Mr. President, I've learned you're embracing 119 00:05:27,104 --> 00:05:30,405 the Bowles-Simpson cataclysm. You're neglecting the beast. 120 00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:34,208 - Tell me what the beast is again? - The beast is your base. 121 00:05:34,311 --> 00:05:35,577 And to feed the beast, 122 00:05:35,679 --> 00:05:38,346 you must scour Obama's globalist residue. 123 00:05:38,448 --> 00:05:40,348 Stephen, you're a lovely man. 124 00:05:40,450 --> 00:05:43,752 No one could put a McCafé cashier in her place like you can. 125 00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:45,620 But I'm done feeding the beast. 126 00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:48,156 If anyone's getting fed tonight, it's me. 127 00:05:48,258 --> 00:05:50,158 And to keep America 128 00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:53,895 alive and kicking, we need to pass... 129 00:05:53,997 --> 00:05:57,131 the Bart Simpson Commission 130 00:05:57,233 --> 00:06:01,702 on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform, 131 00:06:01,805 --> 00:06:05,840 which would decre... increase GDP outlays 132 00:06:05,942 --> 00:06:09,209 through 2035 through a combination 133 00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,645 of chained CPI and... 134 00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:16,613 Jesus Christ... discretionary spending caps? 135 00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:18,652 What the fuck are you talking about? 136 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:23,223 Uh... 137 00:06:23,325 --> 00:06:27,427 ♪ Showering love on you ♪ 138 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,463 Don't do that anymore. 139 00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:34,201 Psst! Feed the beast. 140 00:06:35,737 --> 00:06:41,040 What I meant to say was, let's kill Obamacare! 141 00:06:42,510 --> 00:06:44,276 And anyone who was a citizen 142 00:06:44,379 --> 00:06:47,780 during his presidency is under investigation! 143 00:06:49,884 --> 00:06:51,651 ♪ Bing-bong, bing-bing-bing-bing ♪ 144 00:06:51,753 --> 00:06:54,520 All will remember where they were when they heard 145 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,322 President Trump's speech tonight. 146 00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:59,442 His speech made the Gettysburg Address sound like a teen 147 00:06:59,443 --> 00:07:02,461 mom cursing out her slacker boyfriend at a Foot Locker. 148 00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:04,629 - Thanks, Sean. - Rest easy, sir. 149 00:07:04,732 --> 00:07:07,638 - The beast is engorged. - Nice work, Stevie. 150 00:07:07,673 --> 00:07:10,069 But don't let it go to your head. It's supposed to go to my head. 151 00:07:10,171 --> 00:07:13,104 All right, here's the deal. Jared, you said you need help. 152 00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:16,441 Stevie, you clearly need friends. I'm pairing you up. 153 00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:19,511 Standard drill, fight to the death for my affection. 154 00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:22,614 Hello, Jared Kushner. We should grab three beers sometime. 155 00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:26,385 - Uh, are y-you gonna invade my dreams? - Don't be silly. 156 00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:29,620 We'll be friends of the highest order in this life or the next. 157 00:07:29,722 --> 00:07:31,522 I mean, what are Stephen Miller 158 00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:32,891 and I supposed to even talk about? 159 00:07:32,993 --> 00:07:35,093 We don't have any of the same food allergies. 160 00:07:35,195 --> 00:07:38,863 Jared, part of your job of being my dad's daughter's husband 161 00:07:38,965 --> 00:07:40,531 is to get along with colleagues, 162 00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:43,734 even the ones you can sense are staring at you three walls away. 163 00:07:43,836 --> 00:07:46,203 Welcome to the friendship, Jared Kushner. 164 00:07:46,305 --> 00:07:47,872 I've brought you gift cantaloupes 165 00:07:47,973 --> 00:07:49,774 - from the food store. - Ooh. 166 00:07:49,876 --> 00:07:52,910 I'll leave you two alone in your "man cave." 167 00:07:53,012 --> 00:07:55,312 Congrats on your symmetrical wife. 168 00:07:55,415 --> 00:07:59,116 Mr. President, we have great news. 169 00:07:59,218 --> 00:08:02,286 We... got... the votes. 170 00:08:02,388 --> 00:08:03,753 - We got 'em! - Oh, that's cool. 171 00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:05,923 Votes for what? 172 00:08:06,025 --> 00:08:08,325 Are you kidding me, man? The Bowles-Simpson bill. 173 00:08:08,427 --> 00:08:10,627 We called in every favor we possibly could. 174 00:08:10,729 --> 00:08:13,964 We compromised our principles to such an extent 175 00:08:14,066 --> 00:08:17,334 that I no longer recognize the man I see in the mirror. 176 00:08:17,436 --> 00:08:20,904 My wife oscillates between sobbing and screaming in my face 177 00:08:21,005 --> 00:08:22,739 that she wants her husband back, 178 00:08:22,841 --> 00:08:24,874 knowing full well that he's gone. 179 00:08:24,976 --> 00:08:26,776 Uh-huh. 180 00:08:26,878 --> 00:08:28,878 So we're not doing that Bill Simpson thing. 181 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:30,313 Doesn't play. No one cares. 182 00:08:30,415 --> 00:08:33,115 I mean, I'm not trying to win President of the Year here. 183 00:08:33,217 --> 00:08:36,685 - Feed the beast! - I'm getting to it, Stevie. 184 00:08:36,787 --> 00:08:39,688 Hold your horses, if you haven't already beat them senseless. 185 00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:43,359 Here's the plan, folks. I will build my legacy 186 00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:46,028 based on what's worked for me from Day One, 187 00:08:46,130 --> 00:08:49,365 tearing down Obama's legacy. People love the classics. 188 00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,967 As soon as you start playing songs off the new album, 189 00:08:52,069 --> 00:08:53,535 everyone heads to the bathroom. 190 00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:56,237 Here is my solemn pledge to you. 191 00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:00,876 As long as I'm president, no one goes to the bathroom! 192 00:09:08,185 --> 00:09:11,252 Stephen Miller's been hitting a lot of home runs lately, 193 00:09:11,355 --> 00:09:13,388 so I'm turning the team over to him today. 194 00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:15,590 - Steve? - Well, well, well. 195 00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,758 If it isn't everyone who doubted me. 196 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:19,961 Now look who's front and center at the table. 197 00:09:20,063 --> 00:09:21,696 And what a fine table it is. 198 00:09:21,798 --> 00:09:24,565 I might make it mine. I have that power! 199 00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:27,134 Jesus, Stevie. These are your friends. 200 00:09:27,236 --> 00:09:29,336 Of course. Sorry. I would die for any of you. 201 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:32,006 Okay, I can already tell this might cut into TV time. 202 00:09:32,108 --> 00:09:33,173 Let's keep this simple. 203 00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:36,443 Ideas to destroy Obama's legacy. Go. 204 00:09:36,546 --> 00:09:38,946 What about we pull up all of Michelle's vegetables 205 00:09:39,048 --> 00:09:40,948 and replace them with beef shanks? 206 00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:44,919 We should claim Obama cheated when he won 207 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,687 the Nobel Peace Prize because he wears hats, 208 00:09:47,789 --> 00:09:51,658 and we don't know if those hats hid additional brains. 209 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,260 Why don't you do what you always 210 00:09:53,362 --> 00:09:55,462 tell people you're gonna do, kill Obamacare? 211 00:09:55,564 --> 00:09:58,865 It's called an applause line, Pence. Welcome to show business. 212 00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,333 Any winners in there, Stevie? 213 00:10:00,435 --> 00:10:03,870 Write up a proposal for the beef thing. But I want rancid slabs only. 214 00:10:03,972 --> 00:10:06,205 Fun fact, I spent a summer abroad 215 00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:08,875 in a Latvian rendering pri... plant. Plant. 216 00:10:08,977 --> 00:10:11,344 It's pronounced "plant," idiots! 217 00:10:11,446 --> 00:10:12,879 Before Obama came along, 218 00:10:12,981 --> 00:10:15,014 we were loving the housing bubble, right? 219 00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,516 Five houses. Ten cars. 220 00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:19,218 Working at a shoe store. What could go wrong? 221 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,654 It's time we got back to those good, old days. 222 00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:23,256 That's where Nuch comes in. 223 00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:26,526 Effective immediately, every American will receive 224 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,095 an alarmingly generous housing loan. 225 00:10:29,197 --> 00:10:32,197 All you have to do is successfully navigate 226 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,800 your bank's revolving door and just tell them, 227 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,735 "I know what a house is." 228 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,971 Wow. That sounds too good to be true. 229 00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,172 Is there a downside? 230 00:10:40,274 --> 00:10:45,544 That's a good question, Mr. President, and the answer is... no. 231 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,546 Thank you for joining me for three beers. 232 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,648 Yeah, no problem. Uh, so, where are you from? 233 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,850 I was raised in Santa Monica, California. 234 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,987 - Liberal family. You? - New Jersey. Liberal family. 235 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,890 Uh, now they're all like, "Hey, why are you doing all this?" 236 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,092 I understand completely. 237 00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:01,394 It seems like just yesterday, 238 00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,695 I was mailing white powder to Sarah Lawrence, 239 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,863 and now look at me, I'm basically president. 240 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,732 It's true. I mean, you're the guy. 241 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,667 I guess I'm just here for advice. 242 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,736 Jared, what you said is appreciated. 243 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,538 First question, how do you tell a tall, thin boy 244 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,842 - that you think he's cool? - I think you just did. 245 00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,978 Good news, folks. The housing bubble? 246 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,646 It's getting big, and it's getting big fast. 247 00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:25,349 Cover your eyes 'cause that baby's about to pop. 248 00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,452 More good news! After Obama wouldn't let it die, 249 00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,922 we're finally putting the auto industry out of its misery! 250 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,825 Soon we will release all of these deer 251 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,794 and many more onto our nation's roadways, 252 00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:41,564 rendering vehicular travel impossibly deadly, 253 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,101 therefore cratering the auto industry 254 00:11:44,202 --> 00:11:48,672 and reversing another one of Obama's terrible accomplishments. 255 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,173 Where will you find enough deer 256 00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:53,010 to cover the entirety of the interstate highway system? 257 00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:56,212 How dare you question my ability to put deers in estrus! 258 00:11:56,314 --> 00:11:59,382 If I arouse deer half as well as you waste my time, 259 00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,317 I think we'll be just fine! 260 00:12:01,419 --> 00:12:03,186 Wow. How is this guy single? 261 00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:08,057 Time to finish the job that Obama finished. 262 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,161 And we're recovered Osama bin Laden's corpse for eventual re-killing. 263 00:12:12,263 --> 00:12:14,463 Just so you know, sir, due to ocean conditions, 264 00:12:14,565 --> 00:12:17,900 the body is less a body and more a barnacle-covered jelly. 265 00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:20,169 Grind those barnacles into my breakfast, 266 00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:24,639 squirt the jelly into a big doughnut, and initiate phase two. 267 00:12:26,177 --> 00:12:29,144 Don't worry. We unplugged that thing months ago. 268 00:12:29,446 --> 00:12:33,282 Welcome to the most exciting night in football. 269 00:12:33,384 --> 00:12:36,985 And now, please rise for the singing of the national anthem 270 00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:41,756 by Senior White House Advisor Stephen Miller! 271 00:12:48,732 --> 00:12:49,964 O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, 272 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,599 what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 273 00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:53,434 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 274 00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:55,136 o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 275 00:12:55,238 --> 00:12:56,738 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 276 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,272 gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 277 00:12:58,374 --> 00:12:59,607 O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 278 00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:01,775 o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 279 00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,580 And now, an announcement 280 00:13:05,682 --> 00:13:08,115 from the President of the United States. 281 00:13:15,191 --> 00:13:17,257 Oh, God. You can do it. Come on. 282 00:13:17,359 --> 00:13:19,593 Come on. Oh, God. 283 00:13:21,063 --> 00:13:24,664 I can do it! Good evening! 284 00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:29,402 Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world 285 00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:34,140 that the United States has conducted a successful operation 286 00:13:34,243 --> 00:13:37,510 to capture Osama bin Laden's corpse! 287 00:13:37,613 --> 00:13:42,815 Now please direct your attention to the 30-yard line 288 00:13:42,917 --> 00:13:46,553 where we're going to kill Osama bin Laden 289 00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:50,123 way better than Obama ever did! 290 00:13:56,197 --> 00:13:57,696 Head counts, so it's good! 291 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,532 Tremendous! 292 00:14:00,635 --> 00:14:03,970 You people are so great! In fact... 293 00:14:04,072 --> 00:14:07,339 ♪ I'm ♪ 294 00:14:07,441 --> 00:14:12,010 ♪ Showering love on you ♪ 295 00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,747 We don't like this. 296 00:14:14,848 --> 00:14:16,815 Forget it! Goodnight, people! 297 00:14:16,917 --> 00:14:20,152 I'd say drive safe, but there's deer frickin' everywhere! 298 00:14:20,254 --> 00:14:21,620 - Whoo! - Whoo-whoo! 299 00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:23,054 - We did it! - We did it! 300 00:14:23,157 --> 00:14:24,756 - We did it! - Whoo! Let's go! 301 00:14:24,858 --> 00:14:27,759 I thought it was a really wonderful moment for America. 302 00:14:27,861 --> 00:14:30,128 Suck my nuts, John Adams! 303 00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:33,498 We kicked a field goal with Osama bin Laden's head 304 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,302 in front of 100 million people. How do you top that? 305 00:14:37,404 --> 00:14:41,739 - So, how do we top it? - What are you talking about, man? 306 00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:44,909 We already kinda destroyed everything Obama did. 307 00:14:45,011 --> 00:14:47,912 We only came in here today because we thought there'd be cake! 308 00:14:48,014 --> 00:14:49,980 Bite your tongue, or I'll bite it for you. 309 00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:52,784 That's the sound it would make. 310 00:14:52,885 --> 00:14:54,852 We need ideas, and we need them now. 311 00:14:54,954 --> 00:14:57,521 We took Susan B. Anthony off the silver dollar. 312 00:14:57,623 --> 00:15:00,057 And went back to life sentences for crack smokers. 313 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:02,659 And sent SEAL Team Six to the Kenyan hall of records 314 00:15:02,761 --> 00:15:04,594 to find that Obama birth certificate. 315 00:15:04,697 --> 00:15:07,497 Oh, I never really believed that, but the racists liked it. 316 00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:09,867 I wasn't gonna tell those kids there's no Santa. 317 00:15:09,969 --> 00:15:12,202 I'll say it again. The beast must be fed. 318 00:15:12,304 --> 00:15:14,371 A sprig of wheat will not suffice, 319 00:15:14,473 --> 00:15:16,906 nor grain, nor grape, nor fields of rice. 320 00:15:17,008 --> 00:15:19,175 Okay, we get it. You can rhyme foods. 321 00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:21,578 I can do that, too. Ham... 322 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,548 - Ham can... - I have a few ideas. 323 00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:27,050 We can rescind federal code Title 5. 324 00:15:27,152 --> 00:15:28,985 - Shut up. - You need a time out, mister. 325 00:15:29,087 --> 00:15:30,153 - No! - Fuck you! 326 00:15:30,255 --> 00:15:32,788 - Oh, eat my ass. - Psst! Hello? 327 00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,724 Mr. President, are you okay? 328 00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:38,427 I can't believe there's nothing left to undo. 329 00:15:38,529 --> 00:15:42,365 I guess I'll go see what happens when I put cake 330 00:15:42,366 --> 00:15:46,268 - in my popcorn maker. - Wait, so there was cake? 331 00:15:46,371 --> 00:15:49,405 So I told that snowflake, "Give me a thicker tarantula, 332 00:15:49,507 --> 00:15:51,907 or I'm gonna stomp every turtle in this pet store." 333 00:15:52,009 --> 00:15:54,176 Jared, is something wrong? 334 00:15:54,278 --> 00:15:56,379 You've only had five sips of your first beer. 335 00:15:56,481 --> 00:15:59,181 Each beer is 10 to 12 sips, and we've got two more to go. 336 00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,483 Stephen, I don't know if I can do this anymore. 337 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:03,385 Wow. I cannot believe what I'm hearing. 338 00:16:03,487 --> 00:16:05,087 What is the source of this problem? 339 00:16:05,189 --> 00:16:07,789 If you don't like the tarantulas, consider them stomped. 340 00:16:07,892 --> 00:16:09,557 No, it's not just the tarantulas. 341 00:16:09,659 --> 00:16:11,593 It ... It's, like, your whole thing, okay? 342 00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:13,328 - We're just not working. - Oh, no. 343 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,030 You are not breaking up with me. 344 00:16:15,132 --> 00:16:18,800 I am breaking up with you! You've made a powerful enemy. 345 00:16:18,902 --> 00:16:22,370 Get out of my way! I went to Duke University, idiots! 346 00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:25,540 Breaking news tonight. President Trump has been unable 347 00:16:25,642 --> 00:16:27,542 to find another Obama initiative to kill, 348 00:16:27,644 --> 00:16:31,946 and as a result has fallen into a depression spiral 349 00:16:32,048 --> 00:16:33,548 that, according to our sources, 350 00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:36,717 no amount of chicken parts can cure. 351 00:16:36,819 --> 00:16:41,455 They said, "Run for office. You won't win, but it'll be fun. 352 00:16:41,557 --> 00:16:43,791 You'll get a TV network out of it." 353 00:16:43,893 --> 00:16:45,192 And now look at me, 354 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,662 tossing out red meat to a bunch of strangers. 355 00:16:48,764 --> 00:16:52,433 Wall, Islam, Islam, blah, blah, blah. 356 00:16:52,535 --> 00:16:54,768 You know what you should be more worried about? 357 00:16:54,870 --> 00:16:56,503 Your hearts exploding. 358 00:16:56,605 --> 00:17:00,808 Coal miners, you're really thinking about the future. 359 00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:04,177 I see so many kids walking around playing with coal. 360 00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:06,012 What's your name? Jeff? 361 00:17:06,114 --> 00:17:07,914 Fuck you, Jeff! 362 00:17:08,016 --> 00:17:09,482 Hello, gentlemen. 363 00:17:09,584 --> 00:17:11,418 - I'm your dad now. - Excuse me? 364 00:17:11,519 --> 00:17:13,153 Your old father has been paralyzed. 365 00:17:13,255 --> 00:17:15,788 - What?! - By his lack of self-worth. 366 00:17:15,890 --> 00:17:18,925 You may refer to me as Father, Papa, or Stephen the Dad. 367 00:17:19,027 --> 00:17:21,578 - Dude, this is bullshit! - Wash your mouth out! 368 00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:22,662 No television for a week! 369 00:17:22,764 --> 00:17:25,064 - You think I care? - Fine. Two weeks. 370 00:17:25,166 --> 00:17:27,733 - You tell him, Dad. - Eric, shut up! 371 00:17:27,836 --> 00:17:30,202 Miller, let me let you in on a little secret here. 372 00:17:30,304 --> 00:17:32,137 I've never been disciplined in my life, 373 00:17:32,239 --> 00:17:33,639 and I'm not about to start now. 374 00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:35,107 That's it! Give me your phone. 375 00:17:35,209 --> 00:17:38,961 - You're not seeing that girl any more. - You mean my wife? 376 00:17:38,962 --> 00:17:40,912 Dude, you are seriously loco. 377 00:17:41,015 --> 00:17:42,381 Eric, I'm proud of you. 378 00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,650 I'm gonna take you to 7-Eleven and get you a big soda. 379 00:17:45,752 --> 00:17:48,720 - Can I sit in the front? - Fine, but don't touch the radio. 380 00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:50,990 That's Mommy's. I'm also your mom. 381 00:17:55,296 --> 00:17:56,828 This is weird. I don't know. 382 00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,297 Maybe just make up something to goose him awake. 383 00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:00,799 Good news, Mr. President. 384 00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,401 Congress has agreed to build the wall. 385 00:18:03,504 --> 00:18:05,370 That would be cool if anything mattered. 386 00:18:05,472 --> 00:18:06,838 I know what will cheer him up. 387 00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:10,208 Hey, Donny, how would you like to take the nuclear football 388 00:18:10,310 --> 00:18:12,544 to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend, huh? 389 00:18:12,646 --> 00:18:16,047 - Pbht! - Okay, that's it. He's gone. 390 00:18:25,025 --> 00:18:27,325 Say what you will about, uh, Mr. Trump. 391 00:18:27,427 --> 00:18:30,293 He certainly would bring some change to the White House. 392 00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,004 Is that what this is about? 393 00:18:40,105 --> 00:18:43,807 Yeah, you must have felt pretty humiliated that night, 394 00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:46,510 so humiliated you decided to run for president? 395 00:18:46,611 --> 00:18:47,810 Go away. 396 00:18:47,913 --> 00:18:50,647 Sir, I once had a boss who humiliated me every day 397 00:18:50,749 --> 00:18:52,615 by putting his need to watch television 398 00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:55,185 and eat an entire sheet cake ahead of our nation. 399 00:18:55,287 --> 00:19:00,123 But someday, I'm gonna write a shocking exposé 400 00:19:00,225 --> 00:19:03,325 that puts my boss in prison or worse! 401 00:19:03,428 --> 00:19:06,029 That's a beautiful story, but how does it relate to me? 402 00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:08,831 Your administration can't go on like this, Mr. President. 403 00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:11,200 You have two choices ... either let that night go 404 00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:12,902 or return to the battlefield. 405 00:19:13,004 --> 00:19:14,671 Look, I've got a lot to think about. 406 00:19:14,773 --> 00:19:18,322 I better get a full night's sleep. 407 00:19:25,183 --> 00:19:26,282 I got it! 408 00:19:26,384 --> 00:19:28,784 When's the next White House Correspondents' Dinner? 409 00:19:28,886 --> 00:19:30,186 - April. - Move it to tomorrow 410 00:19:30,288 --> 00:19:31,554 and make sure Obama's there. 411 00:19:31,655 --> 00:19:34,123 Consider it done, sir. Should I give him a plus-one? 412 00:19:34,225 --> 00:19:35,958 Of course. I'm not a monster. 413 00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:38,877 All right, here's the plan. 414 00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:41,713 I want to roast Obama like he roasted me, 415 00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:43,581 and I'm gonna need great material. 416 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,685 Jared, Stephen, you're the two funniest guys I know. Start writing. 417 00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:50,989 - We're sort of taking a break right now. - Don't care. 418 00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:53,625 If I can shred on guitar the first time I touch one, 419 00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,793 you two can learn to be friends again, okay? 420 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:56,994 Hey. 421 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,731 Uh, so, uh, where are your tarantulas, huh? 422 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,232 I fed them to the python. 423 00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,501 You've got a python?! Where is it? 424 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:06,170 I fed it to me. My pizza was taking too long. 425 00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:09,106 Cool. Look, Stephen, I don't know what happened. 426 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,707 I thought we were doing great. 427 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,110 Things were just moving a little too fast for me. 428 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,079 I mean, I've never met someone like you. 429 00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:17,714 This happens a lot. I always assumed new friends 430 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,084 were part of a deep-state conspiracy against me. 431 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:21,685 Upon further research, I realized 432 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,354 that the government just doesn't have those resources. 433 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,423 What do you say we give this another shot? 434 00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,992 That would be great. I just, uh, need a minute here. 435 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:31,628 Python meat is the prune juice of the animal kingdom. 436 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,997 Tonight from the Washington Hilton, 437 00:20:34,099 --> 00:20:35,465 it's the hastily rescheduled 438 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,301 White House Correspondents' Dinner. 439 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,269 The entire Beltway press corps is here 440 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,904 for a night of fun and laughs 441 00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,439 with those they're supposed to hold accountable. 442 00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,541 - Is Obama here? - Front-row center. 443 00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:47,677 I told him Richard Branson would be here. 444 00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:03,793 - You sure this material's good? - Uh, I don't know. 445 00:21:03,894 --> 00:21:05,695 I mean, Miller handled the Obama slams, 446 00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:07,296 I did the self-deprecating stuff. 447 00:21:07,398 --> 00:21:10,265 Self-deprecating? What would I deprecate? 448 00:21:10,368 --> 00:21:12,501 That I don't know the meaning of "deprecate"? 449 00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:14,870 Well, they're on page two if you get desperate. 450 00:21:14,972 --> 00:21:17,105 Stevie, I need you to warm up the crowd. 451 00:21:17,208 --> 00:21:19,407 Sir, by the time I'm done with them, 452 00:21:19,509 --> 00:21:22,177 they'll be boiling hot and begging for mercy. 453 00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:23,745 What a goofball! 454 00:21:23,848 --> 00:21:26,548 And now performing his original composition, 455 00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:28,717 Blood Is Destiny, Stephen Miller. 456 00:21:28,819 --> 00:21:30,886 Restore order, 457 00:21:30,988 --> 00:21:32,620 embolden ancestors. 458 00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:37,859 - Blood is destiny. - I love you, Stephen and Dad! 459 00:21:37,961 --> 00:21:40,628 - Oh, Jesus. - # Blood is destiny # 460 00:21:40,731 --> 00:21:43,965 Wow, available wherever animals are tortured. 461 00:21:44,067 --> 00:21:47,001 That was something. But you know who isn't something? 462 00:21:47,103 --> 00:21:48,569 Barack Hussein Obama. 463 00:21:48,671 --> 00:21:51,572 I mean, this guy couldn't keep Muslims out of his own family. 464 00:21:51,674 --> 00:21:54,575 How could he keep them out of the United States? 465 00:21:54,677 --> 00:21:57,678 Oh, my God. 466 00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:00,014 You know the Obamas had a dog named Bo 467 00:22:00,116 --> 00:22:01,682 who would often say, "Ruff, ruff." 468 00:22:01,784 --> 00:22:05,911 That's a good description of his presidency, "Rough, rough." 469 00:22:07,757 --> 00:22:11,124 He also had a dog named Sunny. How much dog can one man eat? 470 00:22:11,226 --> 00:22:13,360 Oh! Killing it, real Dad. 471 00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:17,998 Geez, these jokes are bigly crap. 472 00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:20,333 Crap like... me? 473 00:22:22,304 --> 00:22:24,204 Psst! Page two! 474 00:22:24,306 --> 00:22:27,673 It's hard to figure out what's more ill-fitting ... 475 00:22:27,776 --> 00:22:29,976 this suit or me as president. 476 00:22:31,313 --> 00:22:33,413 You know, I got to start watching what I eat. 477 00:22:33,515 --> 00:22:36,249 I asked my insurance agent where I could be buried. 478 00:22:36,351 --> 00:22:38,317 He started listing canyons. 479 00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:40,420 Canyons, folks. 480 00:22:40,522 --> 00:22:44,156 My kids are great. I mean, they're not too bright, though. 481 00:22:44,258 --> 00:22:45,725 The other day, I caught Don Jr. 482 00:22:45,827 --> 00:22:48,027 trying to unwrap a battery like a candy. 483 00:22:48,129 --> 00:22:51,142 And he's the smart one! 484 00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,300 But seriously, folks, I got to tell you. 485 00:22:54,402 --> 00:22:56,701 Me and Jesus have a lot in common. 486 00:22:56,804 --> 00:22:59,004 He lugged around that huge cross. 487 00:22:59,106 --> 00:23:03,175 I got to lug around my huge ass. Where's my holiday? 488 00:23:04,356 --> 00:23:06,511 So, yeah, I hate myself. 489 00:23:06,613 --> 00:23:08,414 Thank you! That's my time. 490 00:23:10,818 --> 00:23:12,584 Oh, that's pretty funny stuff. 491 00:23:12,686 --> 00:23:14,920 Not only was President Trump's 492 00:23:15,021 --> 00:23:17,388 White House Correspondence Dinner speech 493 00:23:17,491 --> 00:23:19,324 popular with his detractors, 494 00:23:19,426 --> 00:23:21,827 it also received resounding praise 495 00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:24,696 from his supporters who claim that Trump roasted himself 496 00:23:24,798 --> 00:23:27,065 far better than Obama ever did. 497 00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:28,632 When we come back, my face. 498 00:23:28,734 --> 00:23:30,734 Does it look the same upside-down? 499 00:23:30,837 --> 00:23:32,070 Look, I got to tell you. 500 00:23:32,172 --> 00:23:35,006 I've never been more proud of how proud you guys are of me. 501 00:23:35,108 --> 00:23:37,508 I'm proud of the work we've done here today, Jared, 502 00:23:37,610 --> 00:23:39,844 and the unthinkable work that is yet to come. 503 00:23:39,946 --> 00:23:41,312 Now, let's go get three beers. 504 00:23:41,414 --> 00:23:43,614 And I'm driving. I want to plow into some deer. 505 00:23:43,716 --> 00:23:45,649 Hey, what was that song about, anyway? 506 00:23:45,751 --> 00:23:46,851 Where do I begin? 507 00:23:46,953 --> 00:23:50,420 Okay, so, eugenics is this emerging science. 508 00:23:50,523 --> 00:23:56,059 The audience loved you. No one can humiliate you like yourself. 509 00:23:56,161 --> 00:23:58,863 It felt tremendous, but who needs to roast Obama 510 00:23:58,965 --> 00:24:00,630 when I can melt your heart? 511 00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:03,033 Oh, no, Donald. Please, don't sing song. 512 00:24:03,135 --> 00:24:06,203 - # I'm # - Donald. 513 00:24:06,305 --> 00:24:10,507 ♪ Showering love on you ♪ 514 00:24:10,609 --> 00:24:14,177 If only you slept long enough for me to smother you. 515 00:24:18,049 --> 00:24:21,751 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 516 00:24:21,853 --> 00:24:25,322 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 517 00:24:25,424 --> 00:24:27,791 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 518 00:24:27,892 --> 00:24:29,192 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 519 00:24:29,294 --> 00:24:32,329 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 520 00:24:32,431 --> 00:24:34,997 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 521 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,465 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 522 00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:39,635 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 523 00:24:39,737 --> 00:24:44,506 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 524 00:24:46,711 --> 00:24:48,344 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 525 00:24:48,446 --> 00:24:51,880 ♪ He is our president ♪ 526 00:24:51,982 --> 00:24:55,217 ♪ We made him president ♪ 527 00:24:55,319 --> 00:24:57,553 ♪ We did it ♪ 528 00:24:57,655 --> 00:25:01,490 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 529 00:25:01,592 --> 00:25:04,560 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 530 00:25:04,662 --> 00:25:08,163 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 531 00:25:08,265 --> 00:25:11,733 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 532 00:25:11,835 --> 00:25:15,303 # Yeah # 533 00:25:15,405 --> 00:25:16,349 Trump! 534 00:25:18,675 --> 00:25:21,509 Sir, it's 3 a.m.! Can we please go home? 535 00:25:21,611 --> 00:25:24,078 Hey, guitar, can they go home? 536 00:25:26,048 --> 00:25:27,714 That's a "no." 537 00:25:28,057 --> 00:25:31,696 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 44236

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