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♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
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00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:13,288
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
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00:00:13,390 --> 00:00:15,757
Don't believe anything
you see, hear, or smell.
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00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:16,925
It's Fox & Friends.
5
00:00:17,027 --> 00:00:20,328
Well, the witch hunt against men
has claimed another victim,
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00:00:20,430 --> 00:00:22,664
White House Staff Secretary
Rob Porter.
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00:00:22,766 --> 00:00:24,131
He allegedly took part
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00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,367
in some old-fashioned
spousal roughhousing.
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00:00:26,470 --> 00:00:29,270
And now for a phone call that
should feel unprecedented,
10
00:00:29,372 --> 00:00:31,138
but has become alarmingly routine ...
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00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,607
it's President Donald Trump.
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I'm freaking out over this story
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00:00:35,361 --> 00:00:37,027
that I flew in a Playmate for sex.
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00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:40,164
I don't want it out there
that I reimburse people for travel.
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00:00:40,266 --> 00:00:42,833
Fantastic. So, the FBI gave
the White House a report
16
00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:46,069
talking about this Porter stuff,
but you never heard about it.
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I still haven't, and nothing
can ever change that.
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Besides, the investigation
wasn't even done.
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00:00:51,110 --> 00:00:53,110
You've got to let
that evidence marinate,
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00:00:53,211 --> 00:00:54,511
or it's gonna come out dry.
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You're good with all this,
right, Ainsley?
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I can't say that I am, because,
as a woman with dignity...
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Anyways, Mr. President,
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00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,886
what will you miss most
about Rob Porter?
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00:01:02,988 --> 00:01:05,488
So much ...
the way he'd slam doors,
26
00:01:05,590 --> 00:01:07,858
and the way he would sprint
down the hallways,
27
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,460
screaming, "Lock me up
before I do something bad!"
28
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Eric, get off the phone.
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I will have
the rock shrimp tempura.
30
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Eric! Lie in the tub until
someone comes and gets you!
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00:01:19,282 --> 00:01:22,556
- Sorry!
- Rock shrimp tempura sounds delicious.
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Someone tell Eric
to get out of the tub.
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I've got to take a shower.
I don't want him staring at my nads.
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00:01:27,578 --> 00:01:29,378
Eric, let your brother take a shower.
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Mr. President, when did
Chief of Staff John Kelly
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learn about these allegations?
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Quick, Doocy,
smother him with a pillow!
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♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
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Wow!
How about this title, folks?
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Donald, can't we watch
something else?
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I'm sick of watching Fox News.
43
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,171
They're always repeating
your opinions
44
00:02:03,273 --> 00:02:04,973
a few hours before you say them.
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00:02:05,075 --> 00:02:08,176
Melania, when we got married,
we agreed that our relationship
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00:02:08,278 --> 00:02:11,245
would never get in the way of my
relationship with television.
47
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People say a lot of crazy
things on their wedding day.
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You're watching... PBS?
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Welcome back to History's
Greatest Presidents: 2009 to Present.
50
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Oh, here we go!
Enough already!
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At number one,
it's Barack Obama.
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Not only did he save the nation
from economic Armageddon
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and kill enemy number one,
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he also looked
and sounded good doing it.
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♪ I'm ♪
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♪ Showering love on you ♪
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They must've made this list
before I was born.
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Donald, am I detecting
a hint of jealousy?
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Please.
Melania, do you really think
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00:02:50,986 --> 00:02:53,320
I'm so insecure that I would
get jealous of Obama
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00:02:53,422 --> 00:02:55,021
then lash out at, I don't know,
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some furniture he once used?
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Sir...
Sir, you may need that later.
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00:03:03,132 --> 00:03:05,898
Just so you know, that desk
has been in the White House
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00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:09,736
- for over 140 years.
- Just once I'd like to power-saw
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00:03:09,838 --> 00:03:13,039
through a national relic
without someone riding my ass.
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Man, I'm bushed.
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If anyone asks where I am,
just tell them that I woke up,
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00:03:18,212 --> 00:03:20,680
power-sawed my desk,
and am now bushed.
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00:03:20,782 --> 00:03:23,815
Mr. President, I think we both
know this isn't about the desk.
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It's about your ongoing obsession
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with getting rid of all things Obama.
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Come on.
Why would I be jealous
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of a guy with exhausting charisma,
a distractingly bright smile,
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- and only one voice in his head?
- Whatever the reason,
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00:03:35,279 --> 00:03:37,929
perhaps if you got to work
on building your own legacy,
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you wouldn't worry
so much about Obama's.
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Don't try to Freud me on this one.
I'm micropenis.
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I mean, impenetrable.
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00:03:44,471 --> 00:03:46,738
Could you clarify
some of my assignments?
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I-I can kinda wrap my head
around the Middle East thing,
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but I'm just not sure about, uh ...
Let me see here ...
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00:03:52,212 --> 00:03:54,412
renaming the Virgin Islands
after your friends?
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Hello. Just tell them
St. John changed genders
85
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and now goes by St. Linda McMahon.
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Great. Well, that only leaves
about 100 other things I got to do.
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00:04:01,688 --> 00:04:04,455
101. I need you to find me
a desk bigger than Obama's.
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00:04:04,558 --> 00:04:06,457
Something historically significant,
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00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,759
but also with a hot-oil popcorn popper.
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00:04:08,861 --> 00:04:11,395
Hey, you guys notice
anything different?
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I'll give you a hint.
My desk is bigger.
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Wow.
Well, that's certainly different
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than President Obama's desk.
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00:04:19,238 --> 00:04:22,372
Now, who is this Obama guy
everyone's talking about?
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00:04:22,474 --> 00:04:24,441
Was he the guy
that left One Direction?
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00:04:24,543 --> 00:04:26,310
You're thinking of Zayn.
97
00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:29,112
Barack Obama was the 44th
president of the United States.
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Anyways. Big rally
in Arizona tomorrow night!
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00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:33,450
Let's announce a fun new bill,
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00:04:33,552 --> 00:04:35,952
you know, something
that really makes people wonder
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if things can keep going on like this.
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Maybe a bill saying
all salads must be 90% crouton.
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00:04:41,493 --> 00:04:45,729
Well, Congress really isn't in
the passing-bills business anymore.
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00:04:45,831 --> 00:04:47,964
It's more just a nice, warm place
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for members to launch
talk-radio careers.
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00:04:51,002 --> 00:04:53,036
But if you want to go down that alley,
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we can enact
the Bowles-Simpson Commission
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Recommendations on Fiscal
Responsibility and Reform.
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00:05:00,578 --> 00:05:02,811
Bowl Soupson?
What the hell is that?
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00:05:02,913 --> 00:05:05,681
- Obama couldn't pass it.
- Done. Put it in the prompter.
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00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,784
- Phonetically, sir?
- Don't be a smartass.
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Yes.
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Wait till my big finale.
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You'll see these pipes aren't just for
waking up the kitchen staff at midnight.
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♪ Bing-bong bing-bing
bing-bong bing-bong ♪
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♪ Bing-bong bing-bing
bong-bing bung-bing-bong ♪
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Wall.
Waaaaall.
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Mr. President,
I've learned you're embracing
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the Bowles-Simpson cataclysm.
You're neglecting the beast.
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00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:34,208
- Tell me what the beast is again?
- The beast is your base.
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And to feed the beast,
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you must scour
Obama's globalist residue.
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Stephen, you're a lovely man.
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No one could put a McCafé cashier
in her place like you can.
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00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:45,620
But I'm done feeding the beast.
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If anyone's
getting fed tonight, it's me.
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00:05:48,258 --> 00:05:50,158
And to keep America
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alive and kicking,
we need to pass...
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00:05:53,997 --> 00:05:57,131
the Bart Simpson Commission
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00:05:57,233 --> 00:06:01,702
on Fiscal Responsibility
and Reform,
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00:06:01,805 --> 00:06:05,840
which would decre...
increase GDP outlays
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00:06:05,942 --> 00:06:09,209
through 2035
through a combination
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00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,645
of chained CPI and...
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00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:16,613
Jesus Christ...
discretionary spending caps?
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00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:18,652
What the fuck
are you talking about?
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Uh...
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♪ Showering love on you ♪
138
00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,463
Don't do that anymore.
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00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:34,201
Psst!
Feed the beast.
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00:06:35,737 --> 00:06:41,040
What I meant to say was,
let's kill Obamacare!
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00:06:42,510 --> 00:06:44,276
And anyone who was a citizen
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during his presidency
is under investigation!
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♪ Bing-bong,
bing-bing-bing-bing ♪
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All will remember
where they were when they heard
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00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,322
President Trump's speech tonight.
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His speech made the Gettysburg
Address sound like a teen
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mom cursing out her slacker
boyfriend at a Foot Locker.
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- Thanks, Sean.
- Rest easy, sir.
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00:07:04,732 --> 00:07:07,638
- The beast is engorged.
- Nice work, Stevie.
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00:07:07,673 --> 00:07:10,069
But don't let it go to your head.
It's supposed to go to my head.
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00:07:10,171 --> 00:07:13,104
All right, here's the deal.
Jared, you said you need help.
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00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:16,441
Stevie, you clearly need friends.
I'm pairing you up.
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Standard drill, fight
to the death for my affection.
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00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:22,614
Hello, Jared Kushner.
We should grab three beers sometime.
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00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:26,385
- Uh, are y-you gonna invade my dreams?
- Don't be silly.
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00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:29,620
We'll be friends of the highest
order in this life or the next.
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I mean, what are Stephen Miller
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and I supposed to even talk about?
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We don't have any
of the same food allergies.
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00:07:35,195 --> 00:07:38,863
Jared, part of your job of being
my dad's daughter's husband
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is to get along with colleagues,
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even the ones you can sense are
staring at you three walls away.
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00:07:43,836 --> 00:07:46,203
Welcome to
the friendship, Jared Kushner.
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I've brought you gift cantaloupes
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- from the food store.
- Ooh.
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I'll leave you two alone
in your "man cave."
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Congrats on your symmetrical wife.
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00:07:55,415 --> 00:07:59,116
Mr. President, we have great news.
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We... got... the votes.
170
00:08:02,388 --> 00:08:03,753
- We got 'em!
- Oh, that's cool.
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00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:05,923
Votes for what?
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00:08:06,025 --> 00:08:08,325
Are you kidding me, man?
The Bowles-Simpson bill.
173
00:08:08,427 --> 00:08:10,627
We called in every favor
we possibly could.
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00:08:10,729 --> 00:08:13,964
We compromised our principles
to such an extent
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00:08:14,066 --> 00:08:17,334
that I no longer recognize
the man I see in the mirror.
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00:08:17,436 --> 00:08:20,904
My wife oscillates between
sobbing and screaming in my face
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00:08:21,005 --> 00:08:22,739
that she wants her husband back,
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00:08:22,841 --> 00:08:24,874
knowing full well that he's gone.
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Uh-huh.
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00:08:26,878 --> 00:08:28,878
So we're not doing
that Bill Simpson thing.
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00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:30,313
Doesn't play.
No one cares.
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00:08:30,415 --> 00:08:33,115
I mean, I'm not trying to win
President of the Year here.
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00:08:33,217 --> 00:08:36,685
- Feed the beast!
- I'm getting to it, Stevie.
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00:08:36,787 --> 00:08:39,688
Hold your horses, if you haven't
already beat them senseless.
185
00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:43,359
Here's the plan, folks.
I will build my legacy
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00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:46,028
based on what's worked
for me from Day One,
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00:08:46,130 --> 00:08:49,365
tearing down Obama's legacy.
People love the classics.
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00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,967
As soon as you start playing
songs off the new album,
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00:08:52,069 --> 00:08:53,535
everyone heads to the bathroom.
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00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:56,237
Here is my solemn pledge to you.
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00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:00,876
As long as I'm president,
no one goes to the bathroom!
192
00:09:08,185 --> 00:09:11,252
Stephen Miller's been hitting
a lot of home runs lately,
193
00:09:11,355 --> 00:09:13,388
so I'm turning the team
over to him today.
194
00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:15,590
- Steve?
- Well, well, well.
195
00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,758
If it isn't
everyone who doubted me.
196
00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:19,961
Now look who's front
and center at the table.
197
00:09:20,063 --> 00:09:21,696
And what a fine table it is.
198
00:09:21,798 --> 00:09:24,565
I might make it mine.
I have that power!
199
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:27,134
Jesus, Stevie.
These are your friends.
200
00:09:27,236 --> 00:09:29,336
Of course. Sorry.
I would die for any of you.
201
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:32,006
Okay, I can already tell
this might cut into TV time.
202
00:09:32,108 --> 00:09:33,173
Let's keep this simple.
203
00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:36,443
Ideas to destroy Obama's legacy. Go.
204
00:09:36,546 --> 00:09:38,946
What about we pull up
all of Michelle's vegetables
205
00:09:39,048 --> 00:09:40,948
and replace them with beef shanks?
206
00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:44,919
We should claim Obama cheated
when he won
207
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,687
the Nobel Peace Prize
because he wears hats,
208
00:09:47,789 --> 00:09:51,658
and we don't know if those hats
hid additional brains.
209
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,260
Why don't you do what you always
210
00:09:53,362 --> 00:09:55,462
tell people you're gonna do,
kill Obamacare?
211
00:09:55,564 --> 00:09:58,865
It's called an applause line, Pence.
Welcome to show business.
212
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,333
Any winners in there, Stevie?
213
00:10:00,435 --> 00:10:03,870
Write up a proposal for the beef thing.
But I want rancid slabs only.
214
00:10:03,972 --> 00:10:06,205
Fun fact, I spent a summer abroad
215
00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:08,875
in a Latvian rendering pri...
plant. Plant.
216
00:10:08,977 --> 00:10:11,344
It's pronounced "plant," idiots!
217
00:10:11,446 --> 00:10:12,879
Before Obama came along,
218
00:10:12,981 --> 00:10:15,014
we were loving
the housing bubble, right?
219
00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,516
Five houses. Ten cars.
220
00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:19,218
Working at a shoe store.
What could go wrong?
221
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,654
It's time we got back
to those good, old days.
222
00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:23,256
That's where Nuch comes in.
223
00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:26,526
Effective immediately,
every American will receive
224
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,095
an alarmingly generous housing loan.
225
00:10:29,197 --> 00:10:32,197
All you have to do
is successfully navigate
226
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,800
your bank's revolving door
and just tell them,
227
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,735
"I know what a house is."
228
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,971
Wow. That sounds
too good to be true.
229
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,172
Is there a downside?
230
00:10:40,274 --> 00:10:45,544
That's a good question, Mr. President,
and the answer is... no.
231
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,546
Thank you for joining me
for three beers.
232
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,648
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, so, where are you from?
233
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,850
I was raised
in Santa Monica, California.
234
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,987
- Liberal family. You?
- New Jersey. Liberal family.
235
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,890
Uh, now they're all like,
"Hey, why are you doing all this?"
236
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,092
I understand completely.
237
00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:01,394
It seems like just yesterday,
238
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,695
I was mailing
white powder to Sarah Lawrence,
239
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,863
and now look at me,
I'm basically president.
240
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,732
It's true.
I mean, you're the guy.
241
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,667
I guess I'm just here for advice.
242
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,736
Jared, what you said is appreciated.
243
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,538
First question, how do
you tell a tall, thin boy
244
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,842
- that you think he's cool?
- I think you just did.
245
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,978
Good news, folks.
The housing bubble?
246
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,646
It's getting big,
and it's getting big fast.
247
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:25,349
Cover your eyes 'cause
that baby's about to pop.
248
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,452
More good news!
After Obama wouldn't let it die,
249
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,922
we're finally putting the auto
industry out of its misery!
250
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,825
Soon we will release
all of these deer
251
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,794
and many more
onto our nation's roadways,
252
00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:41,564
rendering vehicular travel
impossibly deadly,
253
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,101
therefore cratering
the auto industry
254
00:11:44,202 --> 00:11:48,672
and reversing another one
of Obama's terrible accomplishments.
255
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,173
Where will you find enough deer
256
00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:53,010
to cover the entirety of
the interstate highway system?
257
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:56,212
How dare you question my ability
to put deers in estrus!
258
00:11:56,314 --> 00:11:59,382
If I arouse deer half
as well as you waste my time,
259
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,317
I think we'll be just fine!
260
00:12:01,419 --> 00:12:03,186
Wow.
How is this guy single?
261
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:08,057
Time to finish
the job that Obama finished.
262
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,161
And we're recovered Osama bin Laden's
corpse for eventual re-killing.
263
00:12:12,263 --> 00:12:14,463
Just so you know, sir,
due to ocean conditions,
264
00:12:14,565 --> 00:12:17,900
the body is less a body
and more a barnacle-covered jelly.
265
00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:20,169
Grind those barnacles
into my breakfast,
266
00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:24,639
squirt the jelly into a big doughnut,
and initiate phase two.
267
00:12:26,177 --> 00:12:29,144
Don't worry.
We unplugged that thing months ago.
268
00:12:29,446 --> 00:12:33,282
Welcome to the most
exciting night in football.
269
00:12:33,384 --> 00:12:36,985
And now, please rise for the
singing of the national anthem
270
00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:41,756
by Senior White House Advisor
Stephen Miller!
271
00:12:48,732 --> 00:12:49,964
O say can you see,
by the dawn's early light,
272
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,599
what so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming?
273
00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:53,434
Whose broad stripes and bright
stars through the perilous fight
274
00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:55,136
o'er the ramparts we watched
were so gallantly streaming?
275
00:12:55,238 --> 00:12:56,738
And the rockets' red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,
276
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,272
gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there.
277
00:12:58,374 --> 00:12:59,607
O say does that star-spangled
banner yet wave
278
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:01,775
o'er the land of the free
and the home of the brave?
279
00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,580
And now, an announcement
280
00:13:05,682 --> 00:13:08,115
from the President of the United States.
281
00:13:15,191 --> 00:13:17,257
Oh, God.
You can do it. Come on.
282
00:13:17,359 --> 00:13:19,593
Come on.
Oh, God.
283
00:13:21,063 --> 00:13:24,664
I can do it!
Good evening!
284
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:29,402
Tonight, I can report to the
American people and to the world
285
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:34,140
that the United States has conducted
a successful operation
286
00:13:34,243 --> 00:13:37,510
to capture
Osama bin Laden's corpse!
287
00:13:37,613 --> 00:13:42,815
Now please direct your
attention to the 30-yard line
288
00:13:42,917 --> 00:13:46,553
where we're going to kill
Osama bin Laden
289
00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:50,123
way better than Obama ever did!
290
00:13:56,197 --> 00:13:57,696
Head counts, so it's good!
291
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,532
Tremendous!
292
00:14:00,635 --> 00:14:03,970
You people are so great!
In fact...
293
00:14:04,072 --> 00:14:07,339
♪ I'm ♪
294
00:14:07,441 --> 00:14:12,010
♪ Showering love on you ♪
295
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,747
We don't like this.
296
00:14:14,848 --> 00:14:16,815
Forget it!
Goodnight, people!
297
00:14:16,917 --> 00:14:20,152
I'd say drive safe, but there's
deer frickin' everywhere!
298
00:14:20,254 --> 00:14:21,620
- Whoo!
- Whoo-whoo!
299
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:23,054
- We did it!
- We did it!
300
00:14:23,157 --> 00:14:24,756
- We did it!
- Whoo! Let's go!
301
00:14:24,858 --> 00:14:27,759
I thought it was a really
wonderful moment for America.
302
00:14:27,861 --> 00:14:30,128
Suck my nuts, John Adams!
303
00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:33,498
We kicked a field goal
with Osama bin Laden's head
304
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,302
in front of 100 million people.
How do you top that?
305
00:14:37,404 --> 00:14:41,739
- So, how do we top it?
- What are you talking about, man?
306
00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:44,909
We already kinda destroyed
everything Obama did.
307
00:14:45,011 --> 00:14:47,912
We only came in here today
because we thought there'd be cake!
308
00:14:48,014 --> 00:14:49,980
Bite your tongue,
or I'll bite it for you.
309
00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:52,784
That's the sound it would make.
310
00:14:52,885 --> 00:14:54,852
We need ideas,
and we need them now.
311
00:14:54,954 --> 00:14:57,521
We took Susan B. Anthony
off the silver dollar.
312
00:14:57,623 --> 00:15:00,057
And went back to life sentences
for crack smokers.
313
00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:02,659
And sent SEAL Team Six
to the Kenyan hall of records
314
00:15:02,761 --> 00:15:04,594
to find that Obama birth certificate.
315
00:15:04,697 --> 00:15:07,497
Oh, I never really believed that,
but the racists liked it.
316
00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:09,867
I wasn't gonna tell those kids
there's no Santa.
317
00:15:09,969 --> 00:15:12,202
I'll say it again.
The beast must be fed.
318
00:15:12,304 --> 00:15:14,371
A sprig of wheat will not suffice,
319
00:15:14,473 --> 00:15:16,906
nor grain, nor grape,
nor fields of rice.
320
00:15:17,008 --> 00:15:19,175
Okay, we get it.
You can rhyme foods.
321
00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:21,578
I can do that, too.
Ham...
322
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,548
- Ham can...
- I have a few ideas.
323
00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:27,050
We can rescind federal code Title 5.
324
00:15:27,152 --> 00:15:28,985
- Shut up.
- You need a time out, mister.
325
00:15:29,087 --> 00:15:30,153
- No!
- Fuck you!
326
00:15:30,255 --> 00:15:32,788
- Oh, eat my ass.
- Psst! Hello?
327
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,724
Mr. President, are you okay?
328
00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:38,427
I can't believe there's
nothing left to undo.
329
00:15:38,529 --> 00:15:42,365
I guess I'll go see what
happens when I put cake
330
00:15:42,366 --> 00:15:46,268
- in my popcorn maker.
- Wait, so there was cake?
331
00:15:46,371 --> 00:15:49,405
So I told that snowflake,
"Give me a thicker tarantula,
332
00:15:49,507 --> 00:15:51,907
or I'm gonna stomp every turtle
in this pet store."
333
00:15:52,009 --> 00:15:54,176
Jared, is something wrong?
334
00:15:54,278 --> 00:15:56,379
You've only had five sips
of your first beer.
335
00:15:56,481 --> 00:15:59,181
Each beer is 10 to 12 sips,
and we've got two more to go.
336
00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,483
Stephen, I don't know
if I can do this anymore.
337
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:03,385
Wow. I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.
338
00:16:03,487 --> 00:16:05,087
What is the source of this problem?
339
00:16:05,189 --> 00:16:07,789
If you don't like the tarantulas,
consider them stomped.
340
00:16:07,892 --> 00:16:09,557
No, it's not just the tarantulas.
341
00:16:09,659 --> 00:16:11,593
It ... It's, like,
your whole thing, okay?
342
00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:13,328
- We're just not working.
- Oh, no.
343
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,030
You are not
breaking up with me.
344
00:16:15,132 --> 00:16:18,800
I am breaking up with you!
You've made a powerful enemy.
345
00:16:18,902 --> 00:16:22,370
Get out of my way!
I went to Duke University, idiots!
346
00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:25,540
Breaking news tonight.
President Trump has been unable
347
00:16:25,642 --> 00:16:27,542
to find another Obama
initiative to kill,
348
00:16:27,644 --> 00:16:31,946
and as a result has fallen
into a depression spiral
349
00:16:32,048 --> 00:16:33,548
that, according to our sources,
350
00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:36,717
no amount of chicken parts can cure.
351
00:16:36,819 --> 00:16:41,455
They said, "Run for office.
You won't win, but it'll be fun.
352
00:16:41,557 --> 00:16:43,791
You'll get a TV network out of it."
353
00:16:43,893 --> 00:16:45,192
And now look at me,
354
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,662
tossing out red meat
to a bunch of strangers.
355
00:16:48,764 --> 00:16:52,433
Wall, Islam, Islam,
blah, blah, blah.
356
00:16:52,535 --> 00:16:54,768
You know what you should
be more worried about?
357
00:16:54,870 --> 00:16:56,503
Your hearts exploding.
358
00:16:56,605 --> 00:17:00,808
Coal miners, you're really
thinking about the future.
359
00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:04,177
I see so many kids walking
around playing with coal.
360
00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:06,012
What's your name?
Jeff?
361
00:17:06,114 --> 00:17:07,914
Fuck you, Jeff!
362
00:17:08,016 --> 00:17:09,482
Hello, gentlemen.
363
00:17:09,584 --> 00:17:11,418
- I'm your dad now.
- Excuse me?
364
00:17:11,519 --> 00:17:13,153
Your old father has been paralyzed.
365
00:17:13,255 --> 00:17:15,788
- What?!
- By his lack of self-worth.
366
00:17:15,890 --> 00:17:18,925
You may refer to me as Father,
Papa, or Stephen the Dad.
367
00:17:19,027 --> 00:17:21,578
- Dude, this is bullshit!
- Wash your mouth out!
368
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:22,662
No television for a week!
369
00:17:22,764 --> 00:17:25,064
- You think I care?
- Fine. Two weeks.
370
00:17:25,166 --> 00:17:27,733
- You tell him, Dad.
- Eric, shut up!
371
00:17:27,836 --> 00:17:30,202
Miller, let me let you in
on a little secret here.
372
00:17:30,304 --> 00:17:32,137
I've never been
disciplined in my life,
373
00:17:32,239 --> 00:17:33,639
and I'm not about to start now.
374
00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:35,107
That's it!
Give me your phone.
375
00:17:35,209 --> 00:17:38,961
- You're not seeing that girl any more.
- You mean my wife?
376
00:17:38,962 --> 00:17:40,912
Dude, you are seriously loco.
377
00:17:41,015 --> 00:17:42,381
Eric, I'm proud of you.
378
00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,650
I'm gonna take you to 7-Eleven
and get you a big soda.
379
00:17:45,752 --> 00:17:48,720
- Can I sit in the front?
- Fine, but don't touch the radio.
380
00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:50,990
That's Mommy's.
I'm also your mom.
381
00:17:55,296 --> 00:17:56,828
This is weird.
I don't know.
382
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,297
Maybe just make up something
to goose him awake.
383
00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:00,799
Good news, Mr. President.
384
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,401
Congress has agreed to build the wall.
385
00:18:03,504 --> 00:18:05,370
That would be cool
if anything mattered.
386
00:18:05,472 --> 00:18:06,838
I know what will cheer him up.
387
00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:10,208
Hey, Donny, how would you like
to take the nuclear football
388
00:18:10,310 --> 00:18:12,544
to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend, huh?
389
00:18:12,646 --> 00:18:16,047
- Pbht!
- Okay, that's it. He's gone.
390
00:18:25,025 --> 00:18:27,325
Say what you will
about, uh, Mr. Trump.
391
00:18:27,427 --> 00:18:30,293
He certainly would bring
some change to the White House.
392
00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,004
Is that what this is about?
393
00:18:40,105 --> 00:18:43,807
Yeah, you must have felt
pretty humiliated that night,
394
00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:46,510
so humiliated you decided
to run for president?
395
00:18:46,611 --> 00:18:47,810
Go away.
396
00:18:47,913 --> 00:18:50,647
Sir, I once had a boss
who humiliated me every day
397
00:18:50,749 --> 00:18:52,615
by putting his need
to watch television
398
00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:55,185
and eat an entire sheet cake
ahead of our nation.
399
00:18:55,287 --> 00:19:00,123
But someday, I'm gonna write
a shocking exposé
400
00:19:00,225 --> 00:19:03,325
that puts my boss
in prison or worse!
401
00:19:03,428 --> 00:19:06,029
That's a beautiful story,
but how does it relate to me?
402
00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:08,831
Your administration can't
go on like this, Mr. President.
403
00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:11,200
You have two choices ...
either let that night go
404
00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:12,902
or return to the battlefield.
405
00:19:13,004 --> 00:19:14,671
Look, I've got a lot to think about.
406
00:19:14,773 --> 00:19:18,322
I better get a full night's sleep.
407
00:19:25,183 --> 00:19:26,282
I got it!
408
00:19:26,384 --> 00:19:28,784
When's the next White House
Correspondents' Dinner?
409
00:19:28,886 --> 00:19:30,186
- April.
- Move it to tomorrow
410
00:19:30,288 --> 00:19:31,554
and make sure Obama's there.
411
00:19:31,655 --> 00:19:34,123
Consider it done, sir.
Should I give him a plus-one?
412
00:19:34,225 --> 00:19:35,958
Of course.
I'm not a monster.
413
00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:38,877
All right, here's the plan.
414
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:41,713
I want to roast Obama
like he roasted me,
415
00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:43,581
and I'm gonna need great material.
416
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,685
Jared, Stephen, you're the two
funniest guys I know. Start writing.
417
00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:50,989
- We're sort of taking a break right now.
- Don't care.
418
00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:53,625
If I can shred on guitar
the first time I touch one,
419
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,793
you two can learn
to be friends again, okay?
420
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:56,994
Hey.
421
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,731
Uh, so, uh, where are
your tarantulas, huh?
422
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,232
I fed them to the python.
423
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,501
You've got a python?!
Where is it?
424
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:06,170
I fed it to me.
My pizza was taking too long.
425
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:09,106
Cool. Look, Stephen,
I don't know what happened.
426
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,707
I thought we were doing great.
427
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,110
Things were just moving
a little too fast for me.
428
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,079
I mean, I've never met
someone like you.
429
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:17,714
This happens a lot.
I always assumed new friends
430
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,084
were part of a deep-state
conspiracy against me.
431
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:21,685
Upon further research, I realized
432
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,354
that the government just
doesn't have those resources.
433
00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,423
What do you say
we give this another shot?
434
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,992
That would be great.
I just, uh, need a minute here.
435
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:31,628
Python meat is the prune juice
of the animal kingdom.
436
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,997
Tonight from
the Washington Hilton,
437
00:20:34,099 --> 00:20:35,465
it's the hastily rescheduled
438
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,301
White House
Correspondents' Dinner.
439
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,269
The entire Beltway press corps is here
440
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,904
for a night of fun and laughs
441
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,439
with those they're supposed
to hold accountable.
442
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,541
- Is Obama here?
- Front-row center.
443
00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:47,677
I told him Richard Branson
would be here.
444
00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:03,793
- You sure this material's good?
- Uh, I don't know.
445
00:21:03,894 --> 00:21:05,695
I mean, Miller handled
the Obama slams,
446
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:07,296
I did the self-deprecating stuff.
447
00:21:07,398 --> 00:21:10,265
Self-deprecating?
What would I deprecate?
448
00:21:10,368 --> 00:21:12,501
That I don't know
the meaning of "deprecate"?
449
00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:14,870
Well, they're on page two
if you get desperate.
450
00:21:14,972 --> 00:21:17,105
Stevie, I need you
to warm up the crowd.
451
00:21:17,208 --> 00:21:19,407
Sir, by the time
I'm done with them,
452
00:21:19,509 --> 00:21:22,177
they'll be boiling hot
and begging for mercy.
453
00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:23,745
What a goofball!
454
00:21:23,848 --> 00:21:26,548
And now performing
his original composition,
455
00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:28,717
Blood Is Destiny,
Stephen Miller.
456
00:21:28,819 --> 00:21:30,886
Restore order,
457
00:21:30,988 --> 00:21:32,620
embolden ancestors.
458
00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:37,859
- Blood is destiny.
- I love you, Stephen and Dad!
459
00:21:37,961 --> 00:21:40,628
- Oh, Jesus.
- # Blood is destiny #
460
00:21:40,731 --> 00:21:43,965
Wow, available wherever
animals are tortured.
461
00:21:44,067 --> 00:21:47,001
That was something.
But you know who isn't something?
462
00:21:47,103 --> 00:21:48,569
Barack Hussein Obama.
463
00:21:48,671 --> 00:21:51,572
I mean, this guy couldn't keep
Muslims out of his own family.
464
00:21:51,674 --> 00:21:54,575
How could he keep them
out of the United States?
465
00:21:54,677 --> 00:21:57,678
Oh, my God.
466
00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:00,014
You know the Obamas
had a dog named Bo
467
00:22:00,116 --> 00:22:01,682
who would often say, "Ruff, ruff."
468
00:22:01,784 --> 00:22:05,911
That's a good description of his
presidency, "Rough, rough."
469
00:22:07,757 --> 00:22:11,124
He also had a dog named Sunny.
How much dog can one man eat?
470
00:22:11,226 --> 00:22:13,360
Oh!
Killing it, real Dad.
471
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:17,998
Geez, these jokes are bigly crap.
472
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:20,333
Crap like... me?
473
00:22:22,304 --> 00:22:24,204
Psst!
Page two!
474
00:22:24,306 --> 00:22:27,673
It's hard to figure out
what's more ill-fitting ...
475
00:22:27,776 --> 00:22:29,976
this suit or me as president.
476
00:22:31,313 --> 00:22:33,413
You know, I got to start
watching what I eat.
477
00:22:33,515 --> 00:22:36,249
I asked my insurance agent
where I could be buried.
478
00:22:36,351 --> 00:22:38,317
He started listing canyons.
479
00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:40,420
Canyons, folks.
480
00:22:40,522 --> 00:22:44,156
My kids are great. I mean,
they're not too bright, though.
481
00:22:44,258 --> 00:22:45,725
The other day, I caught Don Jr.
482
00:22:45,827 --> 00:22:48,027
trying to unwrap
a battery like a candy.
483
00:22:48,129 --> 00:22:51,142
And he's the smart one!
484
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,300
But seriously, folks,
I got to tell you.
485
00:22:54,402 --> 00:22:56,701
Me and Jesus have a lot in common.
486
00:22:56,804 --> 00:22:59,004
He lugged around that huge cross.
487
00:22:59,106 --> 00:23:03,175
I got to lug around my huge ass.
Where's my holiday?
488
00:23:04,356 --> 00:23:06,511
So, yeah, I hate myself.
489
00:23:06,613 --> 00:23:08,414
Thank you!
That's my time.
490
00:23:10,818 --> 00:23:12,584
Oh, that's pretty funny stuff.
491
00:23:12,686 --> 00:23:14,920
Not only was President Trump's
492
00:23:15,021 --> 00:23:17,388
White House
Correspondence Dinner speech
493
00:23:17,491 --> 00:23:19,324
popular with his detractors,
494
00:23:19,426 --> 00:23:21,827
it also received resounding praise
495
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:24,696
from his supporters who claim
that Trump roasted himself
496
00:23:24,798 --> 00:23:27,065
far better than Obama ever did.
497
00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:28,632
When we come back, my face.
498
00:23:28,734 --> 00:23:30,734
Does it look the same upside-down?
499
00:23:30,837 --> 00:23:32,070
Look, I got to tell you.
500
00:23:32,172 --> 00:23:35,006
I've never been more proud of
how proud you guys are of me.
501
00:23:35,108 --> 00:23:37,508
I'm proud of the work
we've done here today, Jared,
502
00:23:37,610 --> 00:23:39,844
and the unthinkable work
that is yet to come.
503
00:23:39,946 --> 00:23:41,312
Now, let's go get three beers.
504
00:23:41,414 --> 00:23:43,614
And I'm driving.
I want to plow into some deer.
505
00:23:43,716 --> 00:23:45,649
Hey, what was that
song about, anyway?
506
00:23:45,751 --> 00:23:46,851
Where do I begin?
507
00:23:46,953 --> 00:23:50,420
Okay, so, eugenics
is this emerging science.
508
00:23:50,523 --> 00:23:56,059
The audience loved you.
No one can humiliate you like yourself.
509
00:23:56,161 --> 00:23:58,863
It felt tremendous,
but who needs to roast Obama
510
00:23:58,965 --> 00:24:00,630
when I can melt your heart?
511
00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:03,033
Oh, no, Donald.
Please, don't sing song.
512
00:24:03,135 --> 00:24:06,203
- # I'm #
- Donald.
513
00:24:06,305 --> 00:24:10,507
♪ Showering love on you ♪
514
00:24:10,609 --> 00:24:14,177
If only you slept long
enough for me to smother you.
515
00:24:18,049 --> 00:24:21,751
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
516
00:24:21,853 --> 00:24:25,322
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
517
00:24:25,424 --> 00:24:27,791
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
518
00:24:27,892 --> 00:24:29,192
♪ Yes, he is ♪
519
00:24:29,294 --> 00:24:32,329
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
520
00:24:32,431 --> 00:24:34,997
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
521
00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,465
♪ Yes, he is ♪
522
00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:39,635
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
523
00:24:39,737 --> 00:24:44,506
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
524
00:24:46,711 --> 00:24:48,344
♪ Donald Trump ♪
525
00:24:48,446 --> 00:24:51,880
♪ He is our president ♪
526
00:24:51,982 --> 00:24:55,217
♪ We made him president ♪
527
00:24:55,319 --> 00:24:57,553
♪ We did it ♪
528
00:24:57,655 --> 00:25:01,490
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
529
00:25:01,592 --> 00:25:04,560
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
530
00:25:04,662 --> 00:25:08,163
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
531
00:25:08,265 --> 00:25:11,733
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
532
00:25:11,835 --> 00:25:15,303
# Yeah #
533
00:25:15,405 --> 00:25:16,349
Trump!
534
00:25:18,675 --> 00:25:21,509
Sir, it's 3 a.m.!
Can we please go home?
535
00:25:21,611 --> 00:25:24,078
Hey, guitar, can they go home?
536
00:25:26,048 --> 00:25:27,714
That's a "no."
537
00:25:28,057 --> 00:25:31,696
sync & correction by f1nc0
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