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1
00:00:10,817 --> 00:00:11,983
Hannity!
2
00:00:11,984 --> 00:00:14,018
We begin tonight with a correction.
3
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:16,521
Last week I said
the Devin Nunes memo
4
00:00:16,523 --> 00:00:18,289
is Watergate times 1,000.
5
00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:22,226
In fact, it's the asteroid that
killed the dinosaurs times a million.
6
00:00:22,227 --> 00:00:24,394
I'm joined now by someone
whose brain is so big,
7
00:00:24,396 --> 00:00:27,297
it's choking off its own blood
supply, Donald Trump Jr.
8
00:00:27,299 --> 00:00:29,399
Hello, Sean.
My father is not a racist.
9
00:00:29,401 --> 00:00:31,301
When his limo drives to JFK Airport,
10
00:00:31,303 --> 00:00:34,806
it specifically goes through black
neighborhoods to avoid traffic.
11
00:00:34,807 --> 00:00:36,739
You don't hear about that enough.
12
00:00:36,741 --> 00:00:38,007
So, tell the folks what happened
13
00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:41,043
when God told Devin Nunes
to hand you the memo.
14
00:00:41,045 --> 00:00:42,978
I thought,
"This totally vindicates
15
00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:46,114
everything my father and my
entire family has ever done,"
16
00:00:46,116 --> 00:00:49,352
including when I urinated from
a balcony onto a quinceañera.
17
00:00:49,354 --> 00:00:51,387
What is a Spanish word
for "I am sorry"?
18
00:00:51,389 --> 00:00:53,508
There isn't one.
Now, tell the people
19
00:00:53,543 --> 00:00:56,892
- what's in this Devin Nunes memo.
- It is three pages.
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00:00:56,893 --> 00:01:00,261
The main character is my dad,
and the bad guy is the FBI,
21
00:01:00,263 --> 00:01:01,996
and the theme of the story,
22
00:01:01,998 --> 00:01:04,666
also known as the moral
of the story,
23
00:01:04,668 --> 00:01:07,403
is Devin Nunes will say anything.
He's a good guy.
24
00:01:07,404 --> 00:01:09,337
Amen.
He's like a robot butler.
25
00:01:09,339 --> 00:01:10,739
Jam a key into his back
26
00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:13,407
and he'll make out with
a vacuum for your entertainment.
27
00:01:13,409 --> 00:01:15,442
So, Manafort's free.
Flynn's innocent.
28
00:01:15,444 --> 00:01:18,078
Mueller's on the run,
and the dog's got the scent.
29
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,747
What's next for Don Jr. Trump?
30
00:01:19,749 --> 00:01:21,582
I don't know.
Maybe have some lunch,
31
00:01:21,584 --> 00:01:24,486
figure out what the fuck is
going on with my stock portfolio.
32
00:01:24,487 --> 00:01:28,153
Yeah, mine's like a trampoline full
of children from divorced parents.
33
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:30,590
When we return,
Sebastian Gorka and I
34
00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:33,092
will skip a Dreamer
across the Rio Grande.
35
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,361
Hannity!
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00:01:43,356 --> 00:01:48,297
1x02 - Disaster Response
37
00:01:48,299 --> 00:01:49,666
Shh.
Is everybody watching?
38
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:50,633
Shh.
Is she watching?
39
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:52,567
Shh. Are you watching?
Melania?
40
00:01:52,569 --> 00:01:54,202
Don Jr.? Shh.
Are you watching?
41
00:01:54,204 --> 00:01:55,605
Is everybody watching?
Shh.
42
00:01:55,606 --> 00:01:59,508
We now return to our
12-part Fox News special report.
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The Trumps ...
an American Family.
44
00:02:01,811 --> 00:02:03,244
Who's talking? It's me!
Shh!
45
00:02:03,245 --> 00:02:04,546
Donald J. Trump.
46
00:02:04,547 --> 00:02:06,114
No American has accumulated
47
00:02:06,115 --> 00:02:08,849
more in business, politics,
or wives,
48
00:02:08,851 --> 00:02:10,484
but of all his possessions,
49
00:02:10,486 --> 00:02:12,186
he is proudest of his children.
50
00:02:12,188 --> 00:02:14,188
There's Don Jr., the eldest,
51
00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:16,957
whose no-frills intelligence
proved no barrier
52
00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:19,326
to his acceptance
at an Ivy League university.
53
00:02:19,328 --> 00:02:20,894
Not only did I get into Penn,
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00:02:20,895 --> 00:02:24,731
but they named a building after me
before I even got into campus.
55
00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:28,167
If Don puts his mind to it,
there's nothing he can't receive.
56
00:02:28,169 --> 00:02:30,838
Then there's Ivanka.
What can be said about her
57
00:02:30,839 --> 00:02:34,174
that hasn't already been disseminated
by a public relations firm?
58
00:02:34,175 --> 00:02:37,275
She's a devoted
and loving mother to her brand.
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00:02:37,277 --> 00:02:40,979
My values are American values
and the duty, love of family,
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00:02:40,981 --> 00:02:44,282
smart, good scarves,
fragrance, children, inspiration,
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00:02:44,284 --> 00:02:46,719
and genuine human emotions
with Ivanka Trump,
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00:02:46,721 --> 00:02:49,154
soft-shell outerwear
with a belt for all.
63
00:02:49,156 --> 00:02:50,989
Look, Ivanka's got it all.
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00:02:50,991 --> 00:02:53,190
She's attractive,
beautiful, gorgeous,
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00:02:53,192 --> 00:02:55,460
not to mention
she's easy on the eyes.
66
00:02:55,462 --> 00:02:56,795
Then there's Eric.
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00:02:58,398 --> 00:03:00,566
- Hey, it's me!
- Just FYI,
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00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:03,000
they had to edit down
your interview for clarity.
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00:03:03,002 --> 00:03:05,269
I am Eric... son of... dad!
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00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:08,840
Um, I feel like that was
maybe taken out of context.
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00:03:08,842 --> 00:03:11,107
I like to think of my family
as a private jet.
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00:03:11,109 --> 00:03:12,976
I'm the pilot,
Ivanka's the co-pilot,
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00:03:12,978 --> 00:03:15,379
Don's bossing around a stewardess,
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00:03:15,414 --> 00:03:17,436
and Eric is the free pair of ear buds.
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00:03:17,471 --> 00:03:20,450
They don't work very well, and you
probably forget them in the bathroom,
76
00:03:20,452 --> 00:03:23,620
but, hey, they're not
actively harming you.
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00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:26,089
Wow! That's some family
I've got, right?
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00:03:26,091 --> 00:03:28,557
We like that, don't we?
We like that!
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00:03:28,559 --> 00:03:31,460
Let's watch it again
at twice the volume.
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00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:37,400
Dad, did you notice something weird
about the show last night?
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00:03:37,402 --> 00:03:39,735
Totally ... they interviewed
me for seven hours
82
00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:42,304
and only used the parts of me
answering questions.
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00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:46,040
Hello! People want to see me
being rude to the crew!
84
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:48,710
Well, I was kind of
barely in it for one,
85
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:51,112
and did you notice
the music got super scary
86
00:03:51,114 --> 00:03:54,282
- when they showed my face?
- I don't want to be a dick, Eric,
87
00:03:54,284 --> 00:03:56,951
but it's sort of the music
that plays in my head
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00:03:56,953 --> 00:03:58,287
when I look at your face.
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00:03:58,288 --> 00:04:00,854
I'm sorry to interrupt
the symposium, Mr. President,
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00:04:00,856 --> 00:04:02,023
but there is an urgent matter.
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00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:04,324
I thought I said
to run everything by Susan
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00:04:04,326 --> 00:04:06,927
- before bringing it to me.
- We know there's no Susan
93
00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:09,195
and that you just made her up
to put off work.
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00:04:09,197 --> 00:04:11,665
Oh, that's out there?
Well, then run it by... Tammy.
95
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,834
Sir, there's been a mudslide in Alaska.
96
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,102
Shall we load up Air Force One
with fuel?
97
00:04:16,104 --> 00:04:17,504
- Enhh!
- And hot dogs?
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00:04:17,505 --> 00:04:20,040
Alaska, huh?
It's not really my scene.
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00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:22,341
Not a huge fan of going place to place
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00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:25,044
wearing mittens and staring at
12 dogs's assholes.
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00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:28,181
- Fifty eight people are dead.
- I'm more an 80-and-above guy.
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00:04:28,182 --> 00:04:30,049
I'd really like to
get that quote higher.
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00:04:30,051 --> 00:04:32,384
Sir...
they're white people.
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00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:36,871
I'm just saying I'd love to
spend more time with the kids.
105
00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:39,441
Plus the military pretty much
runs the government now.
106
00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:42,411
I mean, they don't even let me
come to meetings anymore.
107
00:04:42,413 --> 00:04:45,647
You are a figurehead,
so you must wave to the sick and dying.
108
00:04:45,649 --> 00:04:46,982
I guess you're right.
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00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:49,918
The people need me folksy,
relatable presence.
110
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,252
Sir, the advance team
has Purelled the victims
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00:04:52,254 --> 00:04:54,588
and moved the eights and nines
to the front.
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00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:56,957
No tens?
Why did I even want this job?
113
00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:59,092
Oh, yeah, Obama made fun of me once.
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00:04:59,094 --> 00:05:02,029
All right, I got to walk down
these airplane stairs.
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00:05:02,031 --> 00:05:03,298
Wish me luck.
116
00:05:03,299 --> 00:05:06,558
Anything happens,
tell my first wife I love her.
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00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:12,840
Nope!
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00:05:12,841 --> 00:05:15,342
Wow, look at this crowd!
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00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:17,043
What is this, 80,000 people?
120
00:05:17,045 --> 00:05:19,779
Sir, my wife's been missing
for 24 hours.
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00:05:19,781 --> 00:05:22,750
I've lost two wives.
So if you think about it,
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00:05:22,751 --> 00:05:24,851
I've been twice as devastated as you.
123
00:05:24,853 --> 00:05:28,187
All right, let's get to rebuilding.
Who needs bricks and batteries?
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00:05:28,188 --> 00:05:30,589
Spoiler alert ...
not enough to go around.
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00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:31,591
Here we go!
126
00:05:31,592 --> 00:05:33,459
I'd toss you guys hot dogs,
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00:05:33,461 --> 00:05:36,663
but what am I gonna do the
whole flight home, eat the seats?
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00:05:36,664 --> 00:05:39,566
All right, I've got to stop talking
before I say something dumb.
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00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:42,467
Oop, beep beep!
That's my ride.
130
00:05:44,704 --> 00:05:46,504
Fuck you!
131
00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:50,975
It's unbelievable.
The victims have it so good.
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00:05:50,977 --> 00:05:53,143
I mean, I have to travel
hundreds of miles,
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00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:55,012
but they live right at the disaster.
134
00:05:55,014 --> 00:05:57,582
I mean, the commute barely
leaves me time to watch TV
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00:05:57,584 --> 00:05:59,250
then thrash in bed till 4 a.m.,
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- let alone spend time with my family.
- Just send someone else.
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00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:04,654
What's the point
of surviving a disaster
138
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,534
if you don't get to meet me
afterwards?
139
00:06:07,569 --> 00:06:09,292
Hey, loser, you're fired.
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00:06:09,294 --> 00:06:11,661
I'm Donald the Trump,
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00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:14,665
and I'm President of the
United States.
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00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,359
It's like everyone is you.
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00:06:17,394 --> 00:06:19,599
They're like,
"Bigly, tremendous."
144
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:21,505
- You know?
- Hey, Melania.
145
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,273
I bet these impersonators
would love to spend time
146
00:06:24,275 --> 00:06:27,175
with people traumatized
by natural disasters.
147
00:06:27,777 --> 00:06:29,712
Donald Trump Jr.?
148
00:06:29,714 --> 00:06:31,480
- Oh, hell yeah?
- You've been served.
149
00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:33,848
Sick! That's, like,
my millionth subpoenas.
150
00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:35,850
Mueller is totally obsessed with me.
151
00:06:35,852 --> 00:06:37,652
Closed session?
What a stalker.
152
00:06:37,654 --> 00:06:39,387
Why don't I ever get investigated?
153
00:06:39,389 --> 00:06:42,124
It's, like, n-nobody even
notices all the undeclared
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00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,859
fruits and vegetables that
I bring into the country.
155
00:06:46,963 --> 00:06:50,264
Look, I've decided to take
much-needed family time
156
00:06:50,266 --> 00:06:53,600
and offload some lighter
presidential responsibilities,
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00:06:53,602 --> 00:06:57,471
namely offering any emotional
support to this country.
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00:06:57,473 --> 00:06:59,139
We knew this day would come.
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00:06:59,141 --> 00:07:02,576
That being said, I'd prefer
not to take any shit for it,
160
00:07:02,578 --> 00:07:04,311
so I need decoys, people.
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00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:06,246
McMasters, tell them the plan.
162
00:07:06,248 --> 00:07:09,382
S.E.A.L. teams and unmanned drones
will surveil every comic club,
163
00:07:09,383 --> 00:07:12,185
amateur YouTube channel,
and funny uncle's birthday party
164
00:07:12,186 --> 00:07:15,187
to find any American with
a passable Trump impersonation.
165
00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:16,590
And, sir, just so you know,
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00:07:16,591 --> 00:07:19,892
I do a tremendous Trump.
167
00:07:19,894 --> 00:07:21,694
Keep looking, and I'm not against
168
00:07:21,696 --> 00:07:24,797
- bringing back the draft for this.
- Sir, one hiccup.
169
00:07:24,798 --> 00:07:27,098
We sort of double-booked
S.E.A.L. Team 6.
170
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:31,302
- They're en route to capture Al Baghdadi.
- Turn them around.
171
00:07:31,304 --> 00:07:34,038
Do you guys get a bonus for
every terrorist you capture?
172
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,407
Don't make me question
whether you can handle this.
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00:07:36,409 --> 00:07:38,577
Don't worry,
we'll find your impersonators.
174
00:07:38,879 --> 00:07:41,979
Hmm.
"Wanted: Trump Impersonators,
175
00:07:41,981 --> 00:07:46,717
Thirty five bucks a day, must provide
own fat suit or be fat," and post!
176
00:07:49,489 --> 00:07:52,150
Bingo.
177
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:57,898
All right, you beautiful presidents.
178
00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:01,901
This will be the hardest
three days of your life.
179
00:08:01,903 --> 00:08:04,003
You will not laugh,
you will not cry,
180
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:06,673
you will not sleep
more than three hours a night.
181
00:08:06,675 --> 00:08:09,676
You will not finish a thought
before starting your next thought.
182
00:08:09,678 --> 00:08:11,111
This one time in 1995,
183
00:08:11,112 --> 00:08:13,179
I was at the George magazine
launch party,
184
00:08:13,181 --> 00:08:15,647
and Mort Zuckerman
had something in his teeth,
185
00:08:15,649 --> 00:08:16,850
you wouldn't believe it.
186
00:08:16,851 --> 00:08:19,017
I mean, it looked like
a whole tree in there.
187
00:08:19,019 --> 00:08:21,653
The first and last words
out of your mouth should be,
188
00:08:21,655 --> 00:08:23,522
"Believe me," you hear me?
189
00:08:23,524 --> 00:08:25,758
Believe me,
we hear you, believe me.
190
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,794
Now drop and brag about
how many pushups you can do.
191
00:08:28,796 --> 00:08:32,230
- More than you, that's for sure.
- No one did pushups before I did pushups.
192
00:08:32,232 --> 00:08:33,265
Infinity pushups.
193
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:38,169
I know I missed a lot of your births,
but now I can finally be
194
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:40,405
the family man I always
claimed I wanted to be
195
00:08:40,407 --> 00:08:43,073
- and spend more time with you.
- Hell yeah!
196
00:08:43,075 --> 00:08:45,342
- That's wonderful, Daddy.
- Did I do something wrong?
197
00:08:45,344 --> 00:08:47,044
Okay, look.
First thing's first,
198
00:08:47,046 --> 00:08:48,913
we're gonna have
a nice family dinner,
199
00:08:48,915 --> 00:08:50,381
and don't even think about paying
200
00:08:50,382 --> 00:08:52,248
because this one's on the taxpayers.
201
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,918
We're gonna do it up nice
with all the classics ...
202
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,554
hot dogs, miniature hot dogs,
203
00:08:57,556 --> 00:08:59,923
footlong hot dogs, chili dogs,
204
00:08:59,925 --> 00:09:02,191
cheese dogs,
Chicago-style dogs,
205
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,994
boiled dogs,
little weenies on a stick,
206
00:09:04,996 --> 00:09:06,563
pigs in a blanket, everything!
207
00:09:06,564 --> 00:09:08,831
Sliced hot dogs,
Kosher hot dogs,
208
00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:12,100
plus one, big hot dog
we can all take a picture with.
209
00:09:12,102 --> 00:09:15,538
Sweet! I'm jacked!
Vanessa's gonna be so excited!
210
00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:17,040
- Who's Vanessa?
- My wife.
211
00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:19,575
Oh, no, no, I'm not
learning new names tonight.
212
00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:24,646
What do we call
non-Norwegian countries?
213
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,714
Shitholes!
214
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,615
What's our nation's biggest threat?
215
00:09:27,617 --> 00:09:29,751
Guatemalan toddlers!
216
00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:32,153
Dad, I don't care what you say,
217
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,522
but I want to learn
to be more like you.
218
00:09:34,524 --> 00:09:37,526
I, Eric A. Trump ...
"A" as in avocado ...
219
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:39,994
am going to join the impersonators.
220
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,962
I don't have a problem with this at all.
221
00:09:41,964 --> 00:09:44,130
- I can get sent anywhere.
- Okay.
222
00:09:44,132 --> 00:09:46,667
- For G-God knows how long.
- Great.
223
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,502
- It could be dangerous!
- Right.
224
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,971
You might never s-see me again!!
225
00:09:50,973 --> 00:09:53,907
Jesus, Eric, stop drilling.
You hit oil.
226
00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:56,276
Lift, bite, chew, swallow.
227
00:09:56,278 --> 00:09:59,178
Lift, bite, chew, swallow.
228
00:09:59,180 --> 00:10:01,547
What is your tremendous
malfunction, son?!
229
00:10:01,549 --> 00:10:05,017
Your ass can't make it through
one measly 24-piece tailgate meal?!
230
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:08,855
- Sorry.
- Because of Princess Eric here,
231
00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:11,390
you've lost
your chewing privileges, folks!
232
00:10:11,392 --> 00:10:13,993
Lift, bite, swallow!
Lift, bite, swallow!
233
00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:19,548
- Ted Cruz!
- Ugh!
234
00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:21,383
Good as always to see you, Donald.
235
00:10:21,385 --> 00:10:23,768
- What are you doing in there, Ted?
- What am I doing?
236
00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:26,154
What's all these white triangles?
237
00:10:26,156 --> 00:10:28,457
Is it a hat? Are these
little holes for my ears?
238
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:29,759
- I like 'em!
- Could you ...
239
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,525
Just get to the part
where this is over.
240
00:10:31,527 --> 00:10:36,096
It's been a closely held
secret that I covet the presidency,
241
00:10:36,098 --> 00:10:39,667
and I can't think of a better way
to show I'm the man for the job
242
00:10:39,669 --> 00:10:42,536
than by dressing up and
impersonating the current one.
243
00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:47,508
Hello, it's me, Donald J. Trump,
the apprentice!
244
00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:49,476
- No.
- I do other impressions.
245
00:10:49,478 --> 00:10:51,210
How about
Back to the Future?
246
00:10:51,212 --> 00:10:52,812
- Please don't.
- Zoom zoom.
247
00:10:52,814 --> 00:10:54,414
Eighty eight miles an hours, here I go!
248
00:10:54,416 --> 00:10:56,516
- That's plenty.
- I do a terrific Gollum.
249
00:10:56,518 --> 00:10:57,918
- No.
- Give me that ring back.
250
00:10:57,919 --> 00:10:59,952
- Somebody's got my ring!
- Stop.
251
00:10:59,954 --> 00:11:02,822
Got to go get it!
I love my precious ring.
252
00:11:02,824 --> 00:11:04,724
Hobbit, hobbit, hobbit.
Ted Cruz!
253
00:11:04,726 --> 00:11:08,560
Stand there! Stand there!
Stand there!
254
00:11:08,562 --> 00:11:13,164
You know, I could go a lot
faster if I just walked up it.
255
00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:16,769
The only time Donald Trump walks
is to get to an escalator!
256
00:11:16,771 --> 00:11:20,739
Now, do you want to be Donald Trump,
or do you want to be Eric?
257
00:11:20,741 --> 00:11:23,240
- D-Donald Trump!
- Then open your pie hole,
258
00:11:23,242 --> 00:11:25,510
insert pie, and start acting like it!
259
00:11:25,512 --> 00:11:27,278
Lift, bite, swallow, thigh.
260
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:31,549
Lift, bite, swallow, wing.
Lift, bite, swallow, breast.
261
00:11:31,551 --> 00:11:33,618
Disgusting. Nice work.
262
00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:37,790
That's impossible!
263
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:40,189
Only a cheetah can ride
a escalator that fast.
264
00:11:40,191 --> 00:11:41,958
This is your final test.
265
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,260
Scale the wall, cross the moat,
266
00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:47,431
then crawl under the wire
with live machine-gun fire.
267
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:50,635
Sir, I need to be excused.
I have bone spurs.
268
00:11:50,636 --> 00:11:52,569
What did you just say?
269
00:11:52,571 --> 00:11:54,638
Bone spurs.
Got 'em bad.
270
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:59,107
I see.
Anyone else here have bone spurs?
271
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,847
Congratulations, gentlemen.
272
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:09,618
♪ Let's make impulsive choices
and lift up wealthy voices ♪
273
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:14,689
♪ Hail to thee,
our Donald Trump ♪
274
00:12:14,691 --> 00:12:17,959
- We really did a great job.
- Unbelievable!
275
00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:20,061
He's graduating with straight tens,
276
00:12:20,063 --> 00:12:22,697
voted most likely
to hire a professional wrestler
277
00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:24,432
to pose
as his personal physician,
278
00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:27,635
and served as captain
of the war widow debate team.
279
00:12:27,637 --> 00:12:30,137
Please welcome
your valedictorian,
280
00:12:30,139 --> 00:12:34,975
Eriiiic Truuuump!
281
00:12:34,977 --> 00:12:38,378
Hey, nobody cry while he's talking.
282
00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:41,915
Webster's
dictionary defines Donald Trump
283
00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:44,651
as the 45th President
to the United States.
284
00:12:44,653 --> 00:12:47,488
- Eric, you're so cool!
- But we're not just people
285
00:12:47,489 --> 00:12:50,162
who pretend to be the president,
we're also people who pretend
286
00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:53,392
to be my dad.
All right, let's go party
287
00:12:53,394 --> 00:12:57,062
with a weird smattering
of desperate celebrities!
288
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:01,400
As we all know, so that I may avoid
289
00:13:01,402 --> 00:13:03,202
the gross part of being president,
290
00:13:03,204 --> 00:13:06,705
Eric and his unit will deploy
for their assignments
291
00:13:06,706 --> 00:13:08,239
as Trump impersonators.
292
00:13:08,241 --> 00:13:11,442
So, if there's anything you want
to say to him, say it now.
293
00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:14,846
Eric, you inspire me
and mothers like me.
294
00:13:14,848 --> 00:13:17,115
You go, girl.
Lean in.
295
00:13:17,117 --> 00:13:19,918
Dear Eric, I used to think
you couldn't do jack shit.
296
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,285
But now I see that you can
actually do shit.
297
00:13:22,287 --> 00:13:23,954
I'm gonna, like,
miss you and shit.
298
00:13:23,956 --> 00:13:28,158
You're more than my brother now.
You're also my dad.
299
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:32,730
Oh, shit, man.
You made my eyes gay!
300
00:13:32,732 --> 00:13:36,266
Fuck you, Eric!
I love you.
301
00:13:36,268 --> 00:13:38,702
- Nobody look at me.
- Bye-bye, Eric.
302
00:13:38,703 --> 00:13:40,937
Well, I guess this is it.
303
00:13:40,939 --> 00:13:42,939
I'm assigned to work
in the White House,
304
00:13:42,941 --> 00:13:45,626
so I'm gonna head in.
305
00:13:48,253 --> 00:13:51,254
For something so big,
"bus" is such a short name.
306
00:13:51,256 --> 00:13:53,890
Hey, you guys remember
when I wasn't crying before?
307
00:13:53,892 --> 00:13:55,292
All right, gentlemen,
308
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,293
we got one Trump in Oklahoma
observing tornado wreckage.
309
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,729
One's at a shooting range
finding judicial nominees.
310
00:14:00,731 --> 00:14:03,632
One is accusing Robert Mueller
of being a child molester.
311
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,836
- And the rest are screaming at televisions.
- What about Eric?
312
00:14:06,837 --> 00:14:09,170
Did you give him something easy
to get his feet wet?
313
00:14:09,172 --> 00:14:11,373
Sir, I found the best way
to teach a man to swim
314
00:14:11,375 --> 00:14:14,710
is to pump his stomach full of nickels
and throw him in the ocean.
315
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,179
Our two countries are engaged
316
00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:20,682
in practical economic cooperation
317
00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:24,351
and giving concrete expression
to building mutually beneficial
318
00:14:24,353 --> 00:14:26,655
international relations.
Mr. Trump?
319
00:14:26,656 --> 00:14:29,023
- Um...
- This isn't working.
320
00:14:29,025 --> 00:14:31,893
- It's tranquilizer time.
- Cock it, but don't fire.
321
00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:34,694
Do you want to be Donald Trump
322
00:14:34,696 --> 00:14:38,903
or Eric whatever your last name is?
323
00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:43,727
One time in 1995, I was at the
George magazine launch party,
324
00:14:43,729 --> 00:14:46,696
and Mort Zuckerman had
something in his teeth.
325
00:14:46,698 --> 00:14:48,964
It looked like a whole tree in there.
326
00:14:48,966 --> 00:14:53,436
But, uh, I-I told him
because he's my buddy,
327
00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:55,604
and communication
is the basis of talking.
328
00:14:55,606 --> 00:14:57,840
Like, if my brother
and I are mad at each other,
329
00:14:57,842 --> 00:15:00,142
we always talk it out
before we go to sleep.
330
00:15:00,144 --> 00:15:03,011
That way we don't keep
fighting in our dreams.
331
00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:08,384
Our nations, too, will be brothers
332
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:11,152
and form a sacred bond
of understanding and respect.
333
00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:13,788
Jesus Christ, he's got it.
334
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:16,591
Why aren't you crying, Kelly?
What are you made of, Tank?
335
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:17,860
Lot of news to get to.
336
00:15:17,861 --> 00:15:19,994
A rare win
for the Trump administration,
337
00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:23,296
but first September 1995,
338
00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,998
New York, Manhattan.
339
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,967
JFK Jr., son of President Kennedy
340
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:30,404
and his wife, Jacqueline,
has started George magazine.
341
00:15:30,406 --> 00:15:33,607
They're having a launch party.
Remember that.
342
00:15:33,609 --> 00:15:35,042
Now, four billion years earlier,
343
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:37,643
explosion of biological
diversity leads to trees.
344
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,979
Little trees, big trees,
like those seen here.
345
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,949
I think those are firs.
Fast forward to 1937,
346
00:15:43,951 --> 00:15:47,553
Mortimer Benjamin
"Mort" Zuckerman is born.
347
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,188
He grows teeth, loses those,
348
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:51,257
grows an adult set, lots of teeth.
349
00:15:51,259 --> 00:15:53,292
At the George magazine launch party,
350
00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:57,262
a man notices that Mort
has something in his teeth
351
00:15:57,264 --> 00:16:00,832
so large that it looks like a tree.
352
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:05,437
But before we say who that man is,
let's talk about Pangaea.
353
00:16:05,439 --> 00:16:07,305
All right, family dinner.
354
00:16:07,307 --> 00:16:09,708
We better have a nice,
natural conversation
355
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:13,077
considering I've put the full weight
of the largest military on Earth
356
00:16:13,078 --> 00:16:14,779
into hiring impersonators for me.
357
00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:16,814
Melania, how was your day?
358
00:16:16,816 --> 00:16:20,083
- Well, I woke up, I got coffee.
- Uh-huh.
359
00:16:20,085 --> 00:16:22,152
I put the little white sands
in the coffee.
360
00:16:22,154 --> 00:16:24,388
- Keep going.
- I said hello to the army man,
361
00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:26,857
- I said, "I'm the First Lady."
- Love it.
362
00:16:26,859 --> 00:16:28,958
- Then I went and did my crying.
- Sure.
363
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,193
- Then lunch, today it was soup.
- So great, honey.
364
00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:34,397
- Then more crying, then Ellen.
- Uh-huh. Don?
365
00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:35,399
All right, so I've been
366
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400
- really reevaluating shit lately.
- Uh-huh.
367
00:16:37,402 --> 00:16:39,736
Like, I've been doing
this whole real-estate,
368
00:16:39,738 --> 00:16:41,271
- politics thing like forever.
- Wow.
369
00:16:41,272 --> 00:16:43,706
- I think because, you know, it was easy.
- Totally.
370
00:16:43,708 --> 00:16:44,742
And then this morning,
371
00:16:44,743 --> 00:16:46,909
- I heard Brad flipped his ATV.
- Love it.
372
00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,677
And now he's gone.
And I'm like,
373
00:16:48,679 --> 00:16:50,212
- "Whoa. Life is short."
- Uh-huh.
374
00:16:50,213 --> 00:16:51,814
And I never stopped to think,
375
00:16:51,816 --> 00:16:53,316
- "Is this what I want to do?"
- Sure.
376
00:16:53,317 --> 00:16:55,851
Anyway, I think skiing
might be my passion.
377
00:16:55,853 --> 00:16:57,553
- Are you even listening?!
- Uh-huh.
378
00:16:57,555 --> 00:16:59,621
Oh, yeah? Then what
was I talking about?
379
00:16:59,623 --> 00:17:03,290
- Ellen died.
- What? I just saw her today.
380
00:17:03,292 --> 00:17:05,760
Ellen, take me with you!
381
00:17:05,762 --> 00:17:09,597
You're a dick, Dad!
His name was Brad.
382
00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:13,234
Say his name!
Oh, shit, man.
383
00:17:13,235 --> 00:17:17,705
Brad was only 38.
Just a kid like me!
384
00:17:17,707 --> 00:17:19,973
I must never forget
this isn't normal.
385
00:17:19,975 --> 00:17:22,242
What's so important?
I thought I told you
386
00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:24,878
never to disturb me
for any reason whatsoever.
387
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,146
I'm sorry, sir,
it's the impersonators.
388
00:17:27,148 --> 00:17:29,115
They're...
gah, how do you say this?
389
00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:32,118
They're working! One is
shaking hands with poor people,
390
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,087
another one gave a coherent speech,
391
00:17:34,089 --> 00:17:36,189
and get this, your approval rating?
392
00:17:36,191 --> 00:17:39,859
- It skyrocketed to 40%!
- Forty percent?
393
00:17:39,861 --> 00:17:42,194
So people like the MEs
that aren't me?
394
00:17:42,196 --> 00:17:44,463
I don't know how this me
feels about those thems.
395
00:17:44,465 --> 00:17:46,264
What do you think, Stephen Miller?
396
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,601
Sir, this is the wrong way
to go about this.
397
00:17:48,603 --> 00:17:52,505
If we want more of you,
then we need more of you.
398
00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,271
All I need is a cheek swab,
399
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:58,242
sterile turkey baster, and coven
of ovulating lesbian hyenas
400
00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:01,145
to create a horde
of Trump super-beasts
401
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,147
- that will reign terror ...
- Okay, thanks, Stevie.
402
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,150
- Thank you, sir. Yes, done talking.
- What were you saying, McMasters?
403
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:08,987
The impersonators
have made you more popular.
404
00:18:08,989 --> 00:18:11,388
That would imply that
I have room for improvement,
405
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:12,857
that I'm flawed, like Eric.
406
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,691
Sir, I know you don't want to hear this,
407
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,761
but Eric is kind of a great president.
Did you know, sir,
408
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,696
that he can think words
without saying them?
409
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,198
But Eric can't do anything well!
410
00:18:21,199 --> 00:18:23,534
He didn't even learn to walk
until he was seven.
411
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,769
And even then
it was more of an upright crawl.
412
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,270
- Sir?
- I'll take my hot dogs alone.
413
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:32,242
How could you
excel at something on your own merit?
414
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,376
It's not how I paid people to raise you.
415
00:18:34,378 --> 00:18:37,346
Sorry that President Xi
actually appreciates me
416
00:18:37,348 --> 00:18:41,584
and the way I open my mouth
not just to speak, but to listen.
417
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:42,719
Well, I miss the old Eric
418
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,253
who never undermined me
by being good at things.
419
00:18:45,255 --> 00:18:48,122
The old Eric would've met
President Xi wearing one sock
420
00:18:48,124 --> 00:18:50,091
with his breath reeking of crickets.
421
00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:55,764
- Then maybe I'm not a Trump!
- What else?
422
00:18:55,766 --> 00:18:57,132
Come on, guys.
423
00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:59,067
Let's bomb over
to Brad's after-funeral.
424
00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:01,970
I heard some dude with a ponytail
is trying to fight everyone.
425
00:19:10,099 --> 00:19:12,266
Honk honk, zoom zoom!
426
00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:14,502
It's the car
from Back to the Future!
427
00:19:14,504 --> 00:19:17,705
Just kidding, it's Ted Cruz!
428
00:19:17,707 --> 00:19:19,939
I heard you're
one impersonator short,
429
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,041
and if I'm going to take up
the mantle,
430
00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:24,110
I've got to get to know
the real Donald
431
00:19:24,112 --> 00:19:26,979
after he's kicked off his boots
and gotten his Roku on.
432
00:19:26,981 --> 00:19:29,349
You're lucky
I've lost touch with my family
433
00:19:29,351 --> 00:19:32,218
and I'm desperate for even the
lowest form of human contact.
434
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:35,887
So much great content coming out
of Hollyweird right now.
435
00:19:35,889 --> 00:19:38,824
Let's see what they got
in the way of independent dramas
436
00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:41,761
with a strong female lead.
Speaking of strong females,
437
00:19:41,762 --> 00:19:44,830
I like it when a lady stomps
her high heel on my coin purse.
438
00:19:44,832 --> 00:19:45,998
Would that be in character, Don?
439
00:19:45,999 --> 00:19:49,000
Ooh, Riverdale!
Hearing great buzz around that.
440
00:19:49,002 --> 00:19:52,037
Buzz buzz! There's also buzz
that you like to be spanked
441
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:55,273
with a copy of Forbes magazine.
Now, I like a lady to beat me
442
00:19:55,274 --> 00:19:58,477
senseless with a National Review
while I beg her to stop!
443
00:19:58,478 --> 00:19:59,978
Whoo!
Grace and Frankie!
444
00:19:59,979 --> 00:20:03,080
Two iconoclasts making
their way around San Diego.
445
00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:05,717
I also enjoy the occasional
punch in the butthole!
446
00:20:05,719 --> 00:20:08,219
Whoo!
Better Call Saul!
447
00:20:08,221 --> 00:20:13,056
Thanks for letting me stay here
while I figure out my identity.
448
00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:17,293
Trump, or Eric, or just a weird
guy who lives in a cabin.
449
00:20:17,295 --> 00:20:21,297
Please consider the Pence home
your personal sanctuary.
450
00:20:21,299 --> 00:20:25,034
Before we crack open some
tall, frosty Hawaiian Punches,
451
00:20:25,036 --> 00:20:27,970
you should be aware
the Pence house has rules.
452
00:20:27,972 --> 00:20:29,473
Absolutely no swearing,
453
00:20:29,474 --> 00:20:31,940
and the includes "cheese"
and "I cheesed."
454
00:20:31,942 --> 00:20:34,710
That's fine.
What's the deal with the painting?
455
00:20:34,712 --> 00:20:38,013
It's a laundry basket that
was in the family for years,
456
00:20:38,015 --> 00:20:40,048
but she's no longer with us.
457
00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,785
Our sweet,
determined kitty got to it.
458
00:20:42,787 --> 00:20:46,488
- That cheese-faced cat!
- Michael! Shame on you.
459
00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:48,157
And now the basket's buried
460
00:20:48,158 --> 00:20:51,226
- in the backyard with cousin Dan.
- Cousin Dan?
461
00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:53,661
That's what we called
our other laundry basket.
462
00:20:53,663 --> 00:20:57,933
It got struck by a car going
50 in a 55. Hit and run.
463
00:20:57,934 --> 00:21:01,902
What kind of monster hits a
laundry basket and doesn't stop?
464
00:21:01,904 --> 00:21:04,070
Karen, where's
that Hawaiian Punch?!
465
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:12,379
Three minutes with the Pences
taught me one thing.
466
00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:17,150
I cannot escape that I am a Trump.
I must face my destiny,
467
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:21,020
gather my brethren,
and claim what is ours.
468
00:21:21,022 --> 00:21:23,589
And the best part is
I can leave on the diaper,
469
00:21:23,591 --> 00:21:25,925
throw on my clothes,
and go right back to work
470
00:21:25,927 --> 00:21:28,027
for the American people
and none's the wiser.
471
00:21:28,029 --> 00:21:29,962
Ooh, Stranger Things.
472
00:21:29,964 --> 00:21:31,697
Mr. President, you need to follow me
473
00:21:31,699 --> 00:21:33,699
- to the situation room.
- It doesn't matter, let's go.
474
00:21:33,701 --> 00:21:35,234
The impersonators have become
475
00:21:35,235 --> 00:21:37,402
a roving band
of sloth-like fatties, sir,
476
00:21:37,404 --> 00:21:40,238
hiring and suing other Trump
impersonators to join them.
477
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,106
They're so deep in character, sir,
478
00:21:42,108 --> 00:21:45,844
they've come to the White House
to claim the presidency as their own.
479
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:48,279
There's only one way to stop 'em.
480
00:21:48,281 --> 00:21:50,982
Burn the White House to the ground.
481
00:21:53,285 --> 00:21:54,719
Any other ideas?
482
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,455
We can do what we usually do ...
extrajudicial killings ...
483
00:21:57,457 --> 00:21:59,957
I mean murder ...
I mean targeted drone strike!
484
00:21:59,959 --> 00:22:02,259
Ooh, drones?
That sounds good.
485
00:22:02,261 --> 00:22:04,695
- Let's get ...
- Wait, Dad. Look!
486
00:22:04,697 --> 00:22:07,498
Don't kill Eric.
He'll be super pissed.
487
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,198
It's off-brand.
488
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,201
Bigly. Tremendous!
Mort Zuckerman.
489
00:22:12,203 --> 00:22:13,704
Super huge!
490
00:22:13,705 --> 00:22:16,773
Okay, Eric,
it's time to come home.
491
00:22:16,775 --> 00:22:19,041
You made whatever
the hell your point is.
492
00:22:19,043 --> 00:22:21,678
Fake news!
I'm the president.
493
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,146
- Believe me.
- We're all the president.
494
00:22:24,148 --> 00:22:26,582
- Believe us.
- Bigly, tremendous.
495
00:22:26,584 --> 00:22:28,684
None of you are Donald Trump!
496
00:22:28,686 --> 00:22:31,319
I am the only Donald Trump
497
00:22:31,321 --> 00:22:35,457
because I'm the only person
here who is Eric's father.
498
00:22:35,459 --> 00:22:39,094
And you are Eric, son of Dad.
499
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:42,297
Someone very smart once said
that if we're mad at each other,
500
00:22:42,299 --> 00:22:45,265
we should always talk it out
before going to sleep
501
00:22:45,267 --> 00:22:47,702
so that we don't keep fighting
in our dreams.
502
00:22:47,704 --> 00:22:49,737
Wait, I said that.
503
00:22:49,739 --> 00:22:53,941
Well, I mean, you were dressed
as me, so technically, I said it.
504
00:23:05,153 --> 00:23:07,220
I'm never gonna try
to impress you again.
505
00:23:07,222 --> 00:23:09,422
And I'll never try
to be a loving father
506
00:23:09,424 --> 00:23:11,525
unless there's
an obvious benefit for me.
507
00:23:11,527 --> 00:23:13,259
Mr. President, guess what?
508
00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:16,162
I got your white triangles
two-steppin' on my taint.
509
00:23:16,164 --> 00:23:18,731
What do I have to do
to get rid of you freaks?!
510
00:23:18,733 --> 00:23:21,266
I wouldn't mind
the 35 bucks you owe us.
511
00:23:21,268 --> 00:23:25,037
Sure, we'll cut the check right away.
Fire up the drones.
512
00:23:27,107 --> 00:23:29,074
I'm glad you're back
to being Eric, Eric.
513
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,443
Hey, Dad, are you gonna,
like, get in trouble
514
00:23:31,445 --> 00:23:32,646
for killing those dudes?
515
00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:35,112
We'll be fine.
Drone strikes are bipartisan.
516
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:37,649
Obama actually called
to congratulate me.
517
00:23:37,651 --> 00:23:38,984
Really?
518
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,218
You know, drones
usually blast people apart,
519
00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:43,688
but they brought us together!
43125
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