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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,817 --> 00:00:11,983 Hannity! 2 00:00:11,984 --> 00:00:14,018 We begin tonight with a correction. 3 00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:16,521 Last week I said the Devin Nunes memo 4 00:00:16,523 --> 00:00:18,289 is Watergate times 1,000. 5 00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:22,226 In fact, it's the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs times a million. 6 00:00:22,227 --> 00:00:24,394 I'm joined now by someone whose brain is so big, 7 00:00:24,396 --> 00:00:27,297 it's choking off its own blood supply, Donald Trump Jr. 8 00:00:27,299 --> 00:00:29,399 Hello, Sean. My father is not a racist. 9 00:00:29,401 --> 00:00:31,301 When his limo drives to JFK Airport, 10 00:00:31,303 --> 00:00:34,806 it specifically goes through black neighborhoods to avoid traffic. 11 00:00:34,807 --> 00:00:36,739 You don't hear about that enough. 12 00:00:36,741 --> 00:00:38,007 So, tell the folks what happened 13 00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:41,043 when God told Devin Nunes to hand you the memo. 14 00:00:41,045 --> 00:00:42,978 I thought, "This totally vindicates 15 00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:46,114 everything my father and my entire family has ever done," 16 00:00:46,116 --> 00:00:49,352 including when I urinated from a balcony onto a quinceañera. 17 00:00:49,354 --> 00:00:51,387 What is a Spanish word for "I am sorry"? 18 00:00:51,389 --> 00:00:53,508 There isn't one. Now, tell the people 19 00:00:53,543 --> 00:00:56,892 - what's in this Devin Nunes memo. - It is three pages. 20 00:00:56,893 --> 00:01:00,261 The main character is my dad, and the bad guy is the FBI, 21 00:01:00,263 --> 00:01:01,996 and the theme of the story, 22 00:01:01,998 --> 00:01:04,666 also known as the moral of the story, 23 00:01:04,668 --> 00:01:07,403 is Devin Nunes will say anything. He's a good guy. 24 00:01:07,404 --> 00:01:09,337 Amen. He's like a robot butler. 25 00:01:09,339 --> 00:01:10,739 Jam a key into his back 26 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:13,407 and he'll make out with a vacuum for your entertainment. 27 00:01:13,409 --> 00:01:15,442 So, Manafort's free. Flynn's innocent. 28 00:01:15,444 --> 00:01:18,078 Mueller's on the run, and the dog's got the scent. 29 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,747 What's next for Don Jr. Trump? 30 00:01:19,749 --> 00:01:21,582 I don't know. Maybe have some lunch, 31 00:01:21,584 --> 00:01:24,486 figure out what the fuck is going on with my stock portfolio. 32 00:01:24,487 --> 00:01:28,153 Yeah, mine's like a trampoline full of children from divorced parents. 33 00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:30,590 When we return, Sebastian Gorka and I 34 00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:33,092 will skip a Dreamer across the Rio Grande. 35 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,361 Hannity! 36 00:01:43,356 --> 00:01:48,297 1x02 - Disaster Response 37 00:01:48,299 --> 00:01:49,666 Shh. Is everybody watching? 38 00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:50,633 Shh. Is she watching? 39 00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:52,567 Shh. Are you watching? Melania? 40 00:01:52,569 --> 00:01:54,202 Don Jr.? Shh. Are you watching? 41 00:01:54,204 --> 00:01:55,605 Is everybody watching? Shh. 42 00:01:55,606 --> 00:01:59,508 We now return to our 12-part Fox News special report. 43 00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:01,809 The Trumps ... an American Family. 44 00:02:01,811 --> 00:02:03,244 Who's talking? It's me! Shh! 45 00:02:03,245 --> 00:02:04,546 Donald J. Trump. 46 00:02:04,547 --> 00:02:06,114 No American has accumulated 47 00:02:06,115 --> 00:02:08,849 more in business, politics, or wives, 48 00:02:08,851 --> 00:02:10,484 but of all his possessions, 49 00:02:10,486 --> 00:02:12,186 he is proudest of his children. 50 00:02:12,188 --> 00:02:14,188 There's Don Jr., the eldest, 51 00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:16,957 whose no-frills intelligence proved no barrier 52 00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:19,326 to his acceptance at an Ivy League university. 53 00:02:19,328 --> 00:02:20,894 Not only did I get into Penn, 54 00:02:20,895 --> 00:02:24,731 but they named a building after me before I even got into campus. 55 00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:28,167 If Don puts his mind to it, there's nothing he can't receive. 56 00:02:28,169 --> 00:02:30,838 Then there's Ivanka. What can be said about her 57 00:02:30,839 --> 00:02:34,174 that hasn't already been disseminated by a public relations firm? 58 00:02:34,175 --> 00:02:37,275 She's a devoted and loving mother to her brand. 59 00:02:37,277 --> 00:02:40,979 My values are American values and the duty, love of family, 60 00:02:40,981 --> 00:02:44,282 smart, good scarves, fragrance, children, inspiration, 61 00:02:44,284 --> 00:02:46,719 and genuine human emotions with Ivanka Trump, 62 00:02:46,721 --> 00:02:49,154 soft-shell outerwear with a belt for all. 63 00:02:49,156 --> 00:02:50,989 Look, Ivanka's got it all. 64 00:02:50,991 --> 00:02:53,190 She's attractive, beautiful, gorgeous, 65 00:02:53,192 --> 00:02:55,460 not to mention she's easy on the eyes. 66 00:02:55,462 --> 00:02:56,795 Then there's Eric. 67 00:02:58,398 --> 00:03:00,566 - Hey, it's me! - Just FYI, 68 00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:03,000 they had to edit down your interview for clarity. 69 00:03:03,002 --> 00:03:05,269 I am Eric... son of... dad! 70 00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:08,840 Um, I feel like that was maybe taken out of context. 71 00:03:08,842 --> 00:03:11,107 I like to think of my family as a private jet. 72 00:03:11,109 --> 00:03:12,976 I'm the pilot, Ivanka's the co-pilot, 73 00:03:12,978 --> 00:03:15,379 Don's bossing around a stewardess, 74 00:03:15,414 --> 00:03:17,436 and Eric is the free pair of ear buds. 75 00:03:17,471 --> 00:03:20,450 They don't work very well, and you probably forget them in the bathroom, 76 00:03:20,452 --> 00:03:23,620 but, hey, they're not actively harming you. 77 00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:26,089 Wow! That's some family I've got, right? 78 00:03:26,091 --> 00:03:28,557 We like that, don't we? We like that! 79 00:03:28,559 --> 00:03:31,460 Let's watch it again at twice the volume. 80 00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:37,400 Dad, did you notice something weird about the show last night? 81 00:03:37,402 --> 00:03:39,735 Totally ... they interviewed me for seven hours 82 00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:42,304 and only used the parts of me answering questions. 83 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:46,040 Hello! People want to see me being rude to the crew! 84 00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:48,710 Well, I was kind of barely in it for one, 85 00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:51,112 and did you notice the music got super scary 86 00:03:51,114 --> 00:03:54,282 - when they showed my face? - I don't want to be a dick, Eric, 87 00:03:54,284 --> 00:03:56,951 but it's sort of the music that plays in my head 88 00:03:56,953 --> 00:03:58,287 when I look at your face. 89 00:03:58,288 --> 00:04:00,854 I'm sorry to interrupt the symposium, Mr. President, 90 00:04:00,856 --> 00:04:02,023 but there is an urgent matter. 91 00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:04,324 I thought I said to run everything by Susan 92 00:04:04,326 --> 00:04:06,927 - before bringing it to me. - We know there's no Susan 93 00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:09,195 and that you just made her up to put off work. 94 00:04:09,197 --> 00:04:11,665 Oh, that's out there? Well, then run it by... Tammy. 95 00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,834 Sir, there's been a mudslide in Alaska. 96 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,102 Shall we load up Air Force One with fuel? 97 00:04:16,104 --> 00:04:17,504 - Enhh! - And hot dogs? 98 00:04:17,505 --> 00:04:20,040 Alaska, huh? It's not really my scene. 99 00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:22,341 Not a huge fan of going place to place 100 00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:25,044 wearing mittens and staring at 12 dogs's assholes. 101 00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:28,181 - Fifty eight people are dead. - I'm more an 80-and-above guy. 102 00:04:28,182 --> 00:04:30,049 I'd really like to get that quote higher. 103 00:04:30,051 --> 00:04:32,384 Sir... they're white people. 104 00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:36,871 I'm just saying I'd love to spend more time with the kids. 105 00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:39,441 Plus the military pretty much runs the government now. 106 00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:42,411 I mean, they don't even let me come to meetings anymore. 107 00:04:42,413 --> 00:04:45,647 You are a figurehead, so you must wave to the sick and dying. 108 00:04:45,649 --> 00:04:46,982 I guess you're right. 109 00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:49,918 The people need me folksy, relatable presence. 110 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,252 Sir, the advance team has Purelled the victims 111 00:04:52,254 --> 00:04:54,588 and moved the eights and nines to the front. 112 00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:56,957 No tens? Why did I even want this job? 113 00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:59,092 Oh, yeah, Obama made fun of me once. 114 00:04:59,094 --> 00:05:02,029 All right, I got to walk down these airplane stairs. 115 00:05:02,031 --> 00:05:03,298 Wish me luck. 116 00:05:03,299 --> 00:05:06,558 Anything happens, tell my first wife I love her. 117 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:12,840 Nope! 118 00:05:12,841 --> 00:05:15,342 Wow, look at this crowd! 119 00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:17,043 What is this, 80,000 people? 120 00:05:17,045 --> 00:05:19,779 Sir, my wife's been missing for 24 hours. 121 00:05:19,781 --> 00:05:22,750 I've lost two wives. So if you think about it, 122 00:05:22,751 --> 00:05:24,851 I've been twice as devastated as you. 123 00:05:24,853 --> 00:05:28,187 All right, let's get to rebuilding. Who needs bricks and batteries? 124 00:05:28,188 --> 00:05:30,589 Spoiler alert ... not enough to go around. 125 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:31,591 Here we go! 126 00:05:31,592 --> 00:05:33,459 I'd toss you guys hot dogs, 127 00:05:33,461 --> 00:05:36,663 but what am I gonna do the whole flight home, eat the seats? 128 00:05:36,664 --> 00:05:39,566 All right, I've got to stop talking before I say something dumb. 129 00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:42,467 Oop, beep beep! That's my ride. 130 00:05:44,704 --> 00:05:46,504 Fuck you! 131 00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:50,975 It's unbelievable. The victims have it so good. 132 00:05:50,977 --> 00:05:53,143 I mean, I have to travel hundreds of miles, 133 00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:55,012 but they live right at the disaster. 134 00:05:55,014 --> 00:05:57,582 I mean, the commute barely leaves me time to watch TV 135 00:05:57,584 --> 00:05:59,250 then thrash in bed till 4 a.m., 136 00:05:59,252 --> 00:06:02,286 - let alone spend time with my family. - Just send someone else. 137 00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:04,654 What's the point of surviving a disaster 138 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,534 if you don't get to meet me afterwards? 139 00:06:07,569 --> 00:06:09,292 Hey, loser, you're fired. 140 00:06:09,294 --> 00:06:11,661 I'm Donald the Trump, 141 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:14,665 and I'm President of the United States. 142 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,359 It's like everyone is you. 143 00:06:17,394 --> 00:06:19,599 They're like, "Bigly, tremendous." 144 00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:21,505 - You know? - Hey, Melania. 145 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,273 I bet these impersonators would love to spend time 146 00:06:24,275 --> 00:06:27,175 with people traumatized by natural disasters. 147 00:06:27,777 --> 00:06:29,712 Donald Trump Jr.? 148 00:06:29,714 --> 00:06:31,480 - Oh, hell yeah? - You've been served. 149 00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:33,848 Sick! That's, like, my millionth subpoenas. 150 00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:35,850 Mueller is totally obsessed with me. 151 00:06:35,852 --> 00:06:37,652 Closed session? What a stalker. 152 00:06:37,654 --> 00:06:39,387 Why don't I ever get investigated? 153 00:06:39,389 --> 00:06:42,124 It's, like, n-nobody even notices all the undeclared 154 00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,859 fruits and vegetables that I bring into the country. 155 00:06:46,963 --> 00:06:50,264 Look, I've decided to take much-needed family time 156 00:06:50,266 --> 00:06:53,600 and offload some lighter presidential responsibilities, 157 00:06:53,602 --> 00:06:57,471 namely offering any emotional support to this country. 158 00:06:57,473 --> 00:06:59,139 We knew this day would come. 159 00:06:59,141 --> 00:07:02,576 That being said, I'd prefer not to take any shit for it, 160 00:07:02,578 --> 00:07:04,311 so I need decoys, people. 161 00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:06,246 McMasters, tell them the plan. 162 00:07:06,248 --> 00:07:09,382 S.E.A.L. teams and unmanned drones will surveil every comic club, 163 00:07:09,383 --> 00:07:12,185 amateur YouTube channel, and funny uncle's birthday party 164 00:07:12,186 --> 00:07:15,187 to find any American with a passable Trump impersonation. 165 00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:16,590 And, sir, just so you know, 166 00:07:16,591 --> 00:07:19,892 I do a tremendous Trump. 167 00:07:19,894 --> 00:07:21,694 Keep looking, and I'm not against 168 00:07:21,696 --> 00:07:24,797 - bringing back the draft for this. - Sir, one hiccup. 169 00:07:24,798 --> 00:07:27,098 We sort of double-booked S.E.A.L. Team 6. 170 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:31,302 - They're en route to capture Al Baghdadi. - Turn them around. 171 00:07:31,304 --> 00:07:34,038 Do you guys get a bonus for every terrorist you capture? 172 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,407 Don't make me question whether you can handle this. 173 00:07:36,409 --> 00:07:38,577 Don't worry, we'll find your impersonators. 174 00:07:38,879 --> 00:07:41,979 Hmm. "Wanted: Trump Impersonators, 175 00:07:41,981 --> 00:07:46,717 Thirty five bucks a day, must provide own fat suit or be fat," and post! 176 00:07:49,489 --> 00:07:52,150 Bingo. 177 00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:57,898 All right, you beautiful presidents. 178 00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:01,901 This will be the hardest three days of your life. 179 00:08:01,903 --> 00:08:04,003 You will not laugh, you will not cry, 180 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:06,673 you will not sleep more than three hours a night. 181 00:08:06,675 --> 00:08:09,676 You will not finish a thought before starting your next thought. 182 00:08:09,678 --> 00:08:11,111 This one time in 1995, 183 00:08:11,112 --> 00:08:13,179 I was at the George magazine launch party, 184 00:08:13,181 --> 00:08:15,647 and Mort Zuckerman had something in his teeth, 185 00:08:15,649 --> 00:08:16,850 you wouldn't believe it. 186 00:08:16,851 --> 00:08:19,017 I mean, it looked like a whole tree in there. 187 00:08:19,019 --> 00:08:21,653 The first and last words out of your mouth should be, 188 00:08:21,655 --> 00:08:23,522 "Believe me," you hear me? 189 00:08:23,524 --> 00:08:25,758 Believe me, we hear you, believe me. 190 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,794 Now drop and brag about how many pushups you can do. 191 00:08:28,796 --> 00:08:32,230 - More than you, that's for sure. - No one did pushups before I did pushups. 192 00:08:32,232 --> 00:08:33,265 Infinity pushups. 193 00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:38,169 I know I missed a lot of your births, but now I can finally be 194 00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:40,405 the family man I always claimed I wanted to be 195 00:08:40,407 --> 00:08:43,073 - and spend more time with you. - Hell yeah! 196 00:08:43,075 --> 00:08:45,342 - That's wonderful, Daddy. - Did I do something wrong? 197 00:08:45,344 --> 00:08:47,044 Okay, look. First thing's first, 198 00:08:47,046 --> 00:08:48,913 we're gonna have a nice family dinner, 199 00:08:48,915 --> 00:08:50,381 and don't even think about paying 200 00:08:50,382 --> 00:08:52,248 because this one's on the taxpayers. 201 00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,918 We're gonna do it up nice with all the classics ... 202 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,554 hot dogs, miniature hot dogs, 203 00:08:57,556 --> 00:08:59,923 footlong hot dogs, chili dogs, 204 00:08:59,925 --> 00:09:02,191 cheese dogs, Chicago-style dogs, 205 00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,994 boiled dogs, little weenies on a stick, 206 00:09:04,996 --> 00:09:06,563 pigs in a blanket, everything! 207 00:09:06,564 --> 00:09:08,831 Sliced hot dogs, Kosher hot dogs, 208 00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:12,100 plus one, big hot dog we can all take a picture with. 209 00:09:12,102 --> 00:09:15,538 Sweet! I'm jacked! Vanessa's gonna be so excited! 210 00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:17,040 - Who's Vanessa? - My wife. 211 00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:19,575 Oh, no, no, I'm not learning new names tonight. 212 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:24,646 What do we call non-Norwegian countries? 213 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,714 Shitholes! 214 00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,615 What's our nation's biggest threat? 215 00:09:27,617 --> 00:09:29,751 Guatemalan toddlers! 216 00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:32,153 Dad, I don't care what you say, 217 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,522 but I want to learn to be more like you. 218 00:09:34,524 --> 00:09:37,526 I, Eric A. Trump ... "A" as in avocado ... 219 00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:39,994 am going to join the impersonators. 220 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,962 I don't have a problem with this at all. 221 00:09:41,964 --> 00:09:44,130 - I can get sent anywhere. - Okay. 222 00:09:44,132 --> 00:09:46,667 - For G-God knows how long. - Great. 223 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,502 - It could be dangerous! - Right. 224 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,971 You might never s-see me again!! 225 00:09:50,973 --> 00:09:53,907 Jesus, Eric, stop drilling. You hit oil. 226 00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:56,276 Lift, bite, chew, swallow. 227 00:09:56,278 --> 00:09:59,178 Lift, bite, chew, swallow. 228 00:09:59,180 --> 00:10:01,547 What is your tremendous malfunction, son?! 229 00:10:01,549 --> 00:10:05,017 Your ass can't make it through one measly 24-piece tailgate meal?! 230 00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:08,855 - Sorry. - Because of Princess Eric here, 231 00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:11,390 you've lost your chewing privileges, folks! 232 00:10:11,392 --> 00:10:13,993 Lift, bite, swallow! Lift, bite, swallow! 233 00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:19,548 - Ted Cruz! - Ugh! 234 00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:21,383 Good as always to see you, Donald. 235 00:10:21,385 --> 00:10:23,768 - What are you doing in there, Ted? - What am I doing? 236 00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:26,154 What's all these white triangles? 237 00:10:26,156 --> 00:10:28,457 Is it a hat? Are these little holes for my ears? 238 00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:29,759 - I like 'em! - Could you ... 239 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,525 Just get to the part where this is over. 240 00:10:31,527 --> 00:10:36,096 It's been a closely held secret that I covet the presidency, 241 00:10:36,098 --> 00:10:39,667 and I can't think of a better way to show I'm the man for the job 242 00:10:39,669 --> 00:10:42,536 than by dressing up and impersonating the current one. 243 00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:47,508 Hello, it's me, Donald J. Trump, the apprentice! 244 00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:49,476 - No. - I do other impressions. 245 00:10:49,478 --> 00:10:51,210 How about Back to the Future? 246 00:10:51,212 --> 00:10:52,812 - Please don't. - Zoom zoom. 247 00:10:52,814 --> 00:10:54,414 Eighty eight miles an hours, here I go! 248 00:10:54,416 --> 00:10:56,516 - That's plenty. - I do a terrific Gollum. 249 00:10:56,518 --> 00:10:57,918 - No. - Give me that ring back. 250 00:10:57,919 --> 00:10:59,952 - Somebody's got my ring! - Stop. 251 00:10:59,954 --> 00:11:02,822 Got to go get it! I love my precious ring. 252 00:11:02,824 --> 00:11:04,724 Hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. Ted Cruz! 253 00:11:04,726 --> 00:11:08,560 Stand there! Stand there! Stand there! 254 00:11:08,562 --> 00:11:13,164 You know, I could go a lot faster if I just walked up it. 255 00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:16,769 The only time Donald Trump walks is to get to an escalator! 256 00:11:16,771 --> 00:11:20,739 Now, do you want to be Donald Trump, or do you want to be Eric? 257 00:11:20,741 --> 00:11:23,240 - D-Donald Trump! - Then open your pie hole, 258 00:11:23,242 --> 00:11:25,510 insert pie, and start acting like it! 259 00:11:25,512 --> 00:11:27,278 Lift, bite, swallow, thigh. 260 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:31,549 Lift, bite, swallow, wing. Lift, bite, swallow, breast. 261 00:11:31,551 --> 00:11:33,618 Disgusting. Nice work. 262 00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:37,790 That's impossible! 263 00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:40,189 Only a cheetah can ride a escalator that fast. 264 00:11:40,191 --> 00:11:41,958 This is your final test. 265 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,260 Scale the wall, cross the moat, 266 00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:47,431 then crawl under the wire with live machine-gun fire. 267 00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:50,635 Sir, I need to be excused. I have bone spurs. 268 00:11:50,636 --> 00:11:52,569 What did you just say? 269 00:11:52,571 --> 00:11:54,638 Bone spurs. Got 'em bad. 270 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:59,107 I see. Anyone else here have bone spurs? 271 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,847 Congratulations, gentlemen. 272 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:09,618 ♪ Let's make impulsive choices and lift up wealthy voices ♪ 273 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:14,689 ♪ Hail to thee, our Donald Trump ♪ 274 00:12:14,691 --> 00:12:17,959 - We really did a great job. - Unbelievable! 275 00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:20,061 He's graduating with straight tens, 276 00:12:20,063 --> 00:12:22,697 voted most likely to hire a professional wrestler 277 00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:24,432 to pose as his personal physician, 278 00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:27,635 and served as captain of the war widow debate team. 279 00:12:27,637 --> 00:12:30,137 Please welcome your valedictorian, 280 00:12:30,139 --> 00:12:34,975 Eriiiic Truuuump! 281 00:12:34,977 --> 00:12:38,378 Hey, nobody cry while he's talking. 282 00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:41,915 Webster's dictionary defines Donald Trump 283 00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:44,651 as the 45th President to the United States. 284 00:12:44,653 --> 00:12:47,488 - Eric, you're so cool! - But we're not just people 285 00:12:47,489 --> 00:12:50,162 who pretend to be the president, we're also people who pretend 286 00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:53,392 to be my dad. All right, let's go party 287 00:12:53,394 --> 00:12:57,062 with a weird smattering of desperate celebrities! 288 00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:01,400 As we all know, so that I may avoid 289 00:13:01,402 --> 00:13:03,202 the gross part of being president, 290 00:13:03,204 --> 00:13:06,705 Eric and his unit will deploy for their assignments 291 00:13:06,706 --> 00:13:08,239 as Trump impersonators. 292 00:13:08,241 --> 00:13:11,442 So, if there's anything you want to say to him, say it now. 293 00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:14,846 Eric, you inspire me and mothers like me. 294 00:13:14,848 --> 00:13:17,115 You go, girl. Lean in. 295 00:13:17,117 --> 00:13:19,918 Dear Eric, I used to think you couldn't do jack shit. 296 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,285 But now I see that you can actually do shit. 297 00:13:22,287 --> 00:13:23,954 I'm gonna, like, miss you and shit. 298 00:13:23,956 --> 00:13:28,158 You're more than my brother now. You're also my dad. 299 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:32,730 Oh, shit, man. You made my eyes gay! 300 00:13:32,732 --> 00:13:36,266 Fuck you, Eric! I love you. 301 00:13:36,268 --> 00:13:38,702 - Nobody look at me. - Bye-bye, Eric. 302 00:13:38,703 --> 00:13:40,937 Well, I guess this is it. 303 00:13:40,939 --> 00:13:42,939 I'm assigned to work in the White House, 304 00:13:42,941 --> 00:13:45,626 so I'm gonna head in. 305 00:13:48,253 --> 00:13:51,254 For something so big, "bus" is such a short name. 306 00:13:51,256 --> 00:13:53,890 Hey, you guys remember when I wasn't crying before? 307 00:13:53,892 --> 00:13:55,292 All right, gentlemen, 308 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,293 we got one Trump in Oklahoma observing tornado wreckage. 309 00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,729 One's at a shooting range finding judicial nominees. 310 00:14:00,731 --> 00:14:03,632 One is accusing Robert Mueller of being a child molester. 311 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,836 - And the rest are screaming at televisions. - What about Eric? 312 00:14:06,837 --> 00:14:09,170 Did you give him something easy to get his feet wet? 313 00:14:09,172 --> 00:14:11,373 Sir, I found the best way to teach a man to swim 314 00:14:11,375 --> 00:14:14,710 is to pump his stomach full of nickels and throw him in the ocean. 315 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,179 Our two countries are engaged 316 00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:20,682 in practical economic cooperation 317 00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:24,351 and giving concrete expression to building mutually beneficial 318 00:14:24,353 --> 00:14:26,655 international relations. Mr. Trump? 319 00:14:26,656 --> 00:14:29,023 - Um... - This isn't working. 320 00:14:29,025 --> 00:14:31,893 - It's tranquilizer time. - Cock it, but don't fire. 321 00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:34,694 Do you want to be Donald Trump 322 00:14:34,696 --> 00:14:38,903 or Eric whatever your last name is? 323 00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:43,727 One time in 1995, I was at the George magazine launch party, 324 00:14:43,729 --> 00:14:46,696 and Mort Zuckerman had something in his teeth. 325 00:14:46,698 --> 00:14:48,964 It looked like a whole tree in there. 326 00:14:48,966 --> 00:14:53,436 But, uh, I-I told him because he's my buddy, 327 00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:55,604 and communication is the basis of talking. 328 00:14:55,606 --> 00:14:57,840 Like, if my brother and I are mad at each other, 329 00:14:57,842 --> 00:15:00,142 we always talk it out before we go to sleep. 330 00:15:00,144 --> 00:15:03,011 That way we don't keep fighting in our dreams. 331 00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:08,384 Our nations, too, will be brothers 332 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:11,152 and form a sacred bond of understanding and respect. 333 00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:13,788 Jesus Christ, he's got it. 334 00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:16,591 Why aren't you crying, Kelly? What are you made of, Tank? 335 00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:17,860 Lot of news to get to. 336 00:15:17,861 --> 00:15:19,994 A rare win for the Trump administration, 337 00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:23,296 but first September 1995, 338 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,998 New York, Manhattan. 339 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,967 JFK Jr., son of President Kennedy 340 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:30,404 and his wife, Jacqueline, has started George magazine. 341 00:15:30,406 --> 00:15:33,607 They're having a launch party. Remember that. 342 00:15:33,609 --> 00:15:35,042 Now, four billion years earlier, 343 00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:37,643 explosion of biological diversity leads to trees. 344 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,979 Little trees, big trees, like those seen here. 345 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,949 I think those are firs. Fast forward to 1937, 346 00:15:43,951 --> 00:15:47,553 Mortimer Benjamin "Mort" Zuckerman is born. 347 00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,188 He grows teeth, loses those, 348 00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:51,257 grows an adult set, lots of teeth. 349 00:15:51,259 --> 00:15:53,292 At the George magazine launch party, 350 00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:57,262 a man notices that Mort has something in his teeth 351 00:15:57,264 --> 00:16:00,832 so large that it looks like a tree. 352 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:05,437 But before we say who that man is, let's talk about Pangaea. 353 00:16:05,439 --> 00:16:07,305 All right, family dinner. 354 00:16:07,307 --> 00:16:09,708 We better have a nice, natural conversation 355 00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:13,077 considering I've put the full weight of the largest military on Earth 356 00:16:13,078 --> 00:16:14,779 into hiring impersonators for me. 357 00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:16,814 Melania, how was your day? 358 00:16:16,816 --> 00:16:20,083 - Well, I woke up, I got coffee. - Uh-huh. 359 00:16:20,085 --> 00:16:22,152 I put the little white sands in the coffee. 360 00:16:22,154 --> 00:16:24,388 - Keep going. - I said hello to the army man, 361 00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:26,857 - I said, "I'm the First Lady." - Love it. 362 00:16:26,859 --> 00:16:28,958 - Then I went and did my crying. - Sure. 363 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,193 - Then lunch, today it was soup. - So great, honey. 364 00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:34,397 - Then more crying, then Ellen. - Uh-huh. Don? 365 00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:35,399 All right, so I've been 366 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400 - really reevaluating shit lately. - Uh-huh. 367 00:16:37,402 --> 00:16:39,736 Like, I've been doing this whole real-estate, 368 00:16:39,738 --> 00:16:41,271 - politics thing like forever. - Wow. 369 00:16:41,272 --> 00:16:43,706 - I think because, you know, it was easy. - Totally. 370 00:16:43,708 --> 00:16:44,742 And then this morning, 371 00:16:44,743 --> 00:16:46,909 - I heard Brad flipped his ATV. - Love it. 372 00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,677 And now he's gone. And I'm like, 373 00:16:48,679 --> 00:16:50,212 - "Whoa. Life is short." - Uh-huh. 374 00:16:50,213 --> 00:16:51,814 And I never stopped to think, 375 00:16:51,816 --> 00:16:53,316 - "Is this what I want to do?" - Sure. 376 00:16:53,317 --> 00:16:55,851 Anyway, I think skiing might be my passion. 377 00:16:55,853 --> 00:16:57,553 - Are you even listening?! - Uh-huh. 378 00:16:57,555 --> 00:16:59,621 Oh, yeah? Then what was I talking about? 379 00:16:59,623 --> 00:17:03,290 - Ellen died. - What? I just saw her today. 380 00:17:03,292 --> 00:17:05,760 Ellen, take me with you! 381 00:17:05,762 --> 00:17:09,597 You're a dick, Dad! His name was Brad. 382 00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:13,234 Say his name! Oh, shit, man. 383 00:17:13,235 --> 00:17:17,705 Brad was only 38. Just a kid like me! 384 00:17:17,707 --> 00:17:19,973 I must never forget this isn't normal. 385 00:17:19,975 --> 00:17:22,242 What's so important? I thought I told you 386 00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:24,878 never to disturb me for any reason whatsoever. 387 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,146 I'm sorry, sir, it's the impersonators. 388 00:17:27,148 --> 00:17:29,115 They're... gah, how do you say this? 389 00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:32,118 They're working! One is shaking hands with poor people, 390 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,087 another one gave a coherent speech, 391 00:17:34,089 --> 00:17:36,189 and get this, your approval rating? 392 00:17:36,191 --> 00:17:39,859 - It skyrocketed to 40%! - Forty percent? 393 00:17:39,861 --> 00:17:42,194 So people like the MEs that aren't me? 394 00:17:42,196 --> 00:17:44,463 I don't know how this me feels about those thems. 395 00:17:44,465 --> 00:17:46,264 What do you think, Stephen Miller? 396 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,601 Sir, this is the wrong way to go about this. 397 00:17:48,603 --> 00:17:52,505 If we want more of you, then we need more of you. 398 00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,271 All I need is a cheek swab, 399 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:58,242 sterile turkey baster, and coven of ovulating lesbian hyenas 400 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:01,145 to create a horde of Trump super-beasts 401 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,147 - that will reign terror ... - Okay, thanks, Stevie. 402 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,150 - Thank you, sir. Yes, done talking. - What were you saying, McMasters? 403 00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:08,987 The impersonators have made you more popular. 404 00:18:08,989 --> 00:18:11,388 That would imply that I have room for improvement, 405 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:12,857 that I'm flawed, like Eric. 406 00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,691 Sir, I know you don't want to hear this, 407 00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,761 but Eric is kind of a great president. Did you know, sir, 408 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,696 that he can think words without saying them? 409 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,198 But Eric can't do anything well! 410 00:18:21,199 --> 00:18:23,534 He didn't even learn to walk until he was seven. 411 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,769 And even then it was more of an upright crawl. 412 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,270 - Sir? - I'll take my hot dogs alone. 413 00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:32,242 How could you excel at something on your own merit? 414 00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,376 It's not how I paid people to raise you. 415 00:18:34,378 --> 00:18:37,346 Sorry that President Xi actually appreciates me 416 00:18:37,348 --> 00:18:41,584 and the way I open my mouth not just to speak, but to listen. 417 00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:42,719 Well, I miss the old Eric 418 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,253 who never undermined me by being good at things. 419 00:18:45,255 --> 00:18:48,122 The old Eric would've met President Xi wearing one sock 420 00:18:48,124 --> 00:18:50,091 with his breath reeking of crickets. 421 00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:55,764 - Then maybe I'm not a Trump! - What else? 422 00:18:55,766 --> 00:18:57,132 Come on, guys. 423 00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:59,067 Let's bomb over to Brad's after-funeral. 424 00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:01,970 I heard some dude with a ponytail is trying to fight everyone. 425 00:19:10,099 --> 00:19:12,266 Honk honk, zoom zoom! 426 00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:14,502 It's the car from Back to the Future! 427 00:19:14,504 --> 00:19:17,705 Just kidding, it's Ted Cruz! 428 00:19:17,707 --> 00:19:19,939 I heard you're one impersonator short, 429 00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,041 and if I'm going to take up the mantle, 430 00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:24,110 I've got to get to know the real Donald 431 00:19:24,112 --> 00:19:26,979 after he's kicked off his boots and gotten his Roku on. 432 00:19:26,981 --> 00:19:29,349 You're lucky I've lost touch with my family 433 00:19:29,351 --> 00:19:32,218 and I'm desperate for even the lowest form of human contact. 434 00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:35,887 So much great content coming out of Hollyweird right now. 435 00:19:35,889 --> 00:19:38,824 Let's see what they got in the way of independent dramas 436 00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:41,761 with a strong female lead. Speaking of strong females, 437 00:19:41,762 --> 00:19:44,830 I like it when a lady stomps her high heel on my coin purse. 438 00:19:44,832 --> 00:19:45,998 Would that be in character, Don? 439 00:19:45,999 --> 00:19:49,000 Ooh, Riverdale! Hearing great buzz around that. 440 00:19:49,002 --> 00:19:52,037 Buzz buzz! There's also buzz that you like to be spanked 441 00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:55,273 with a copy of Forbes magazine. Now, I like a lady to beat me 442 00:19:55,274 --> 00:19:58,477 senseless with a National Review while I beg her to stop! 443 00:19:58,478 --> 00:19:59,978 Whoo! Grace and Frankie! 444 00:19:59,979 --> 00:20:03,080 Two iconoclasts making their way around San Diego. 445 00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:05,717 I also enjoy the occasional punch in the butthole! 446 00:20:05,719 --> 00:20:08,219 Whoo! Better Call Saul! 447 00:20:08,221 --> 00:20:13,056 Thanks for letting me stay here while I figure out my identity. 448 00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:17,293 Trump, or Eric, or just a weird guy who lives in a cabin. 449 00:20:17,295 --> 00:20:21,297 Please consider the Pence home your personal sanctuary. 450 00:20:21,299 --> 00:20:25,034 Before we crack open some tall, frosty Hawaiian Punches, 451 00:20:25,036 --> 00:20:27,970 you should be aware the Pence house has rules. 452 00:20:27,972 --> 00:20:29,473 Absolutely no swearing, 453 00:20:29,474 --> 00:20:31,940 and the includes "cheese" and "I cheesed." 454 00:20:31,942 --> 00:20:34,710 That's fine. What's the deal with the painting? 455 00:20:34,712 --> 00:20:38,013 It's a laundry basket that was in the family for years, 456 00:20:38,015 --> 00:20:40,048 but she's no longer with us. 457 00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,785 Our sweet, determined kitty got to it. 458 00:20:42,787 --> 00:20:46,488 - That cheese-faced cat! - Michael! Shame on you. 459 00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:48,157 And now the basket's buried 460 00:20:48,158 --> 00:20:51,226 - in the backyard with cousin Dan. - Cousin Dan? 461 00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:53,661 That's what we called our other laundry basket. 462 00:20:53,663 --> 00:20:57,933 It got struck by a car going 50 in a 55. Hit and run. 463 00:20:57,934 --> 00:21:01,902 What kind of monster hits a laundry basket and doesn't stop? 464 00:21:01,904 --> 00:21:04,070 Karen, where's that Hawaiian Punch?! 465 00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:12,379 Three minutes with the Pences taught me one thing. 466 00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:17,150 I cannot escape that I am a Trump. I must face my destiny, 467 00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:21,020 gather my brethren, and claim what is ours. 468 00:21:21,022 --> 00:21:23,589 And the best part is I can leave on the diaper, 469 00:21:23,591 --> 00:21:25,925 throw on my clothes, and go right back to work 470 00:21:25,927 --> 00:21:28,027 for the American people and none's the wiser. 471 00:21:28,029 --> 00:21:29,962 Ooh, Stranger Things. 472 00:21:29,964 --> 00:21:31,697 Mr. President, you need to follow me 473 00:21:31,699 --> 00:21:33,699 - to the situation room. - It doesn't matter, let's go. 474 00:21:33,701 --> 00:21:35,234 The impersonators have become 475 00:21:35,235 --> 00:21:37,402 a roving band of sloth-like fatties, sir, 476 00:21:37,404 --> 00:21:40,238 hiring and suing other Trump impersonators to join them. 477 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,106 They're so deep in character, sir, 478 00:21:42,108 --> 00:21:45,844 they've come to the White House to claim the presidency as their own. 479 00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:48,279 There's only one way to stop 'em. 480 00:21:48,281 --> 00:21:50,982 Burn the White House to the ground. 481 00:21:53,285 --> 00:21:54,719 Any other ideas? 482 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,455 We can do what we usually do ... extrajudicial killings ... 483 00:21:57,457 --> 00:21:59,957 I mean murder ... I mean targeted drone strike! 484 00:21:59,959 --> 00:22:02,259 Ooh, drones? That sounds good. 485 00:22:02,261 --> 00:22:04,695 - Let's get ... - Wait, Dad. Look! 486 00:22:04,697 --> 00:22:07,498 Don't kill Eric. He'll be super pissed. 487 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,198 It's off-brand. 488 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,201 Bigly. Tremendous! Mort Zuckerman. 489 00:22:12,203 --> 00:22:13,704 Super huge! 490 00:22:13,705 --> 00:22:16,773 Okay, Eric, it's time to come home. 491 00:22:16,775 --> 00:22:19,041 You made whatever the hell your point is. 492 00:22:19,043 --> 00:22:21,678 Fake news! I'm the president. 493 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,146 - Believe me. - We're all the president. 494 00:22:24,148 --> 00:22:26,582 - Believe us. - Bigly, tremendous. 495 00:22:26,584 --> 00:22:28,684 None of you are Donald Trump! 496 00:22:28,686 --> 00:22:31,319 I am the only Donald Trump 497 00:22:31,321 --> 00:22:35,457 because I'm the only person here who is Eric's father. 498 00:22:35,459 --> 00:22:39,094 And you are Eric, son of Dad. 499 00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:42,297 Someone very smart once said that if we're mad at each other, 500 00:22:42,299 --> 00:22:45,265 we should always talk it out before going to sleep 501 00:22:45,267 --> 00:22:47,702 so that we don't keep fighting in our dreams. 502 00:22:47,704 --> 00:22:49,737 Wait, I said that. 503 00:22:49,739 --> 00:22:53,941 Well, I mean, you were dressed as me, so technically, I said it. 504 00:23:05,153 --> 00:23:07,220 I'm never gonna try to impress you again. 505 00:23:07,222 --> 00:23:09,422 And I'll never try to be a loving father 506 00:23:09,424 --> 00:23:11,525 unless there's an obvious benefit for me. 507 00:23:11,527 --> 00:23:13,259 Mr. President, guess what? 508 00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:16,162 I got your white triangles two-steppin' on my taint. 509 00:23:16,164 --> 00:23:18,731 What do I have to do to get rid of you freaks?! 510 00:23:18,733 --> 00:23:21,266 I wouldn't mind the 35 bucks you owe us. 511 00:23:21,268 --> 00:23:25,037 Sure, we'll cut the check right away. Fire up the drones. 512 00:23:27,107 --> 00:23:29,074 I'm glad you're back to being Eric, Eric. 513 00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,443 Hey, Dad, are you gonna, like, get in trouble 514 00:23:31,445 --> 00:23:32,646 for killing those dudes? 515 00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:35,112 We'll be fine. Drone strikes are bipartisan. 516 00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:37,649 Obama actually called to congratulate me. 517 00:23:37,651 --> 00:23:38,984 Really? 518 00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,218 You know, drones usually blast people apart, 519 00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:43,688 but they brought us together! 43125

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