All language subtitles for Josh.S03E02.Fame.and.Fortune.720p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264RTN

You shouldn't be storing
your stuff in our flat.

Well, why would I want it
cluttering up my place?

I mean, it's rubbish!

Oh, look at this.

My old axe.

What?

Surely I told you about
when I played lead melodica

for a synth-pop band
in my youth? Oh, yeah.

We did a haunting cover
of Crocodile Rock.

That's Ski Sunday.

Yeah, well, it's a beguiling
instrument, the melodica.

It's easy to get confused.

It can't be, can it? Is it?
I haven't seen this for some time.

They don't make games
like this any more.

Hungry, Hungry Landlords?

All the rush of being a landlord
but in the comfort of your own home.

Thrilling. A game of deceit,
duplicity and double-dealing.

Do you fancy playing? Er, no.

Yeah, I forgot.
You can't handle losing.

Well, I wouldn't lose.
Yes, you would.

I've played this game over 300 times
and I have won every single time.

Oh, OK, I see. Well, in that case,

I will play you
and I will destroy you!

A bit strong. Sorry.

Anyway, we'll play
tomorrow but before I go,

how about some Bananarama?

HE PLAYS

That's still Ski Sunday.

Yeah, well, please yourself.

You must have some work
for me, Rick, I'm skint.

There's no need to panic.
Things can change in an instant.

Look at Max Thompson.
He was going nowhere, like you,

and then he got the job
hosting Stop The Press.

I saw it last week. It's awful.

Well, they are looking for
new guests at the moment...

Oh, if you could put me forward,
that would be great.

I don't know if I could do that.
You don't really have the profile.

How do I get the profile? Well, you
really need to appear on some shows.

How do I get on the shows?
Well, you need the profile.

So, I can't get on the shows without
the profile but I need the shows

to get me the profile
that'll get me on the show

that'll give me the profile?
Yes, it's really that simple.

Leave it with me.

TV: Good evening! I'm Max Thompson
and welcome to Stop The Press,

the topical news show that puts
the Ebola into viral news.

LAUGHTER

The worst thing about Max,

every time he does one
of his smug little jokes,

you can see his smug little lips

twitching with his
smug little smile.

Sure you don't want
to come to the pub?

No, I haven't got any money.
Oh, you're going to miss out

on finally meeting
Owen's new girlfriend.

We're trying to keep
things private early on.

What is wrong with her?
She got three of something?

What, like Total Recall?
No, she's got two of everything.

Well, not everything,
that would be horrible.

MOBILE BUZZES

Hey, Rick!

Josh, how would you feel about
supporting a big act on the road?

Yeah, I'd love that.

Great, because we've just added some
new dates to Max Thompson's tour.

Oh, I'm not sure we're compatible.

Well, I think you'd
complement each other.

No, his latest Facebook status was

"banging all the time
and it isn't complicated".

If it goes well, he can put in
a good word for you

at Stop The Press HQ.

No, I'm not sure.

You've got to play the game.

I don't know...

I'll take that as a yes.
The first gig is tomorrow.

It's in Newcastle.
I'll send you his address.

Pick up the hire car at 8am,
be there no later than 9,

I'm sure he'll be out
with you by 10, OK? Bye.

HE SIGHS

Turns out that Rick Stein has
now tasted every type of fish.

I saw the episode where he tried
the last one, and as it happened,

he just became gripped by
this crushing sense of ennui,

because it turns out
it's not about the destination,

it's about the journey.

Is that it?
Yeah, that's a good anecdote, Kate.

God, don't look now, you'll not
believe who's just walked in here.

Who? Diana Vickers.

Pop star in our local,
bold as brass!

Keep cool. She's going
to walk right past us.

I wonder what she smells like?

Hey! Hey.

Kate, this is Diana.
Diana, this is Kate.

I... Uh...

Lovely to meet you.
I'm just going to grab a drink.

Do you guys want anything?
No, we're fine, thanks.

Do you know Diana Vickers?

I've never seen her before
in my life. Seriously?

No, of course I know Diana Vickers.

SHOUTS: Are you
dating Diana Vickers?!

Whoa! Let's keep that down.

How, how, how has this happened?

Well, we met through
a mutual friend at a birthday.

We got on. You don't need me to
explain how relationships work.

Actually, maybe you do.

She should be going out with...

Who? One of Westlife.

Great example.

Do you know the best thing
about believing in yourself?

Having that belief confirmed
by the general public.

You know, by the man on the street,

the sort of person that
comes up to you and says,

"Aren't you Max from
Stop The Press?

"I love you and I love
Stop The Press."

Well, you deserve it.
It's a really great show.

Well done. Well done, you,
on being my tour support.

It's a great opportunity
for someone at your level.

You must be delighted.
Oh, yeah, really pleased, yeah.

Yeah, I bet. Yeah.

I remember when I was
new to the scene, like you,

I got to do some tour support.
I'm not actually that new.

No, but you'll seem
like it to the audience.

Of course, I was soon
dropped from tour support

after I started doing
better than the headliner.

Make sure you don't do that, mate!
I'll try not to!

I was joking.
Right. Let's be realistic here.

This is like Scooch
warming up for the Killers.

Yeah. I might just pop
the radio on, actually.

Here's a tip. Right.

Have a good gig tonight. Keep
improving throughout the tour,

and who knows, maybe one day,
you'll be in my shoes.

Which, I'm sure you have clocked,
are handmade Italian leather.

Actually, I think I will
just pop the radio on.

Coming up next on the show,
we've got Max Thompson,

who's got a gig
in Newcastle tonight.

Look who it is! Turn it up.
Oh, great!

ON RADIO: It's doors at 7:30
but I won't be on till 8,

so don't bother turning up
before then!

TV: Over 100 years old.

You're about right,
and you can tell that

just by looking at
the decoration on the outside.

Wherever you look, look at all
the chasing on the... Diana?

Yeah? Do you still speak
to Simon Cowell?

Not really, no. Oh, interesting.

So, what was he like,
the man behind the mask?

I'm sure Diana doesn't want
to talk about Simon Cowell, OK?

Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

So, Diana, what was
it like performing in

The Rise And Fall Of Little Voice
in the West End?

Yeah, it was great. I always
wanted to do a West End show.

Oh, yeah, me too. Yeah.

Is Lesley Sharp as
delightful as everyone says?

Can't we all just watch telly?
Oh, of course.

Sorry, just briefly, while
the adverts are on, can I just ask,

is it true you're in
the mix for Strictly?

Maybe, but if I told you,
I'd have to kill you.

Agh! Oh, don't kill me!
SHE LAUGHS

MOBILE RINGS
Oh.

Oh, my God, it's Tess Daly!

Really? No. Oh...

You! It's Claudia Winkleman.

Is it? No. Oh!
SHE LAUGHS

Do you mind chilling out?

I can't believe you might end up
dating someone on Strictly.

You'll be in the audience cutaways.

Oh, my God, you have to get us
tickets. This is so exciting!

OK. Oh, my God!

Imagine if you become a victim
of the curse of Strictly.

What's that? The curse of Strictly.

When celebs go on Strictly
and end up going off

with their dance partners.
It's a thing. How is that a thing?

They spend weeks pressed up
against each other

trying to create chemistry.

Also, those dancers are
muscle-bound perfection.

Oh, but not to worry, I mean,

you're perfection as well,
in your own way.

Right. I think we're ready.

I won't judge you
if you want to drop out

to avoid the humiliation of defeat.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I understand the property
market better than...

Dion Dublin? Who's that?

Former Coventry and
Aston Villa striker,

went on to present
Homes Under The Hammer,

previously invented
his own drum called the Dube?

No?

Shall we start? Of course.

Now, remember, if you roll
a double with your first throw,

it highlights issues
with your property

and you must pay 0.2% of the
property value at time of purchase,

plus the value of
the dice, times 500.

Yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot.

Four!

Stamp duty hike. Lose 50 grand.

What?! This game's even
better than I remembered.

Kate, I've looked into the curse
of Strictly and you're right.

It actually is a thing. Honestly,
I wouldn't worry about it.

Everyone pulls everyone. It's like
a televised 18-30s holiday.

But the dancers aren't dancing
because they're hammered.

The dancers are dancing because
they actually like dancing.

Sorry, but what
are we talking about?

He's worried about his
relationship with Diana.

The People's Princess?
No, Diana Vickers.

That's who I meant,
the People's Princess.

I had no idea that dancing
could be so... sexualised.

To most people, it is just dancing.

Well, tell that to Brendan Cole
and Natasha Kaplinsky,

or Rachel Riley
and what was his name?

Pasha. Yeah, he did more than that.

Did you know that Flavia Cacace
dated two of her dance partners

and is now married to Jimi Mistry,
who she also met on the show?

Owen, don't panic.
Diana really likes you.

You've got a good relationship.
You know, you're equals.

Equals? She's a proper celebrity
and I work in a baguette shop.

Also, the first time
she met one of my friends,

they interviewed her
like she was on T4.

Who did that? Come on.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

So, do you want to talk about
how your set went last night

or is it too raw?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Do you think it was your
material or your performance?

I don't know. Bit of both, maybe?
Maybe. Yeah.

Because, if you don't mind me
saying, performance-wise,

you've got this odd tic that
you really need to deal with.

It's the sound of you trying
to re-moisten your dry mouth.

That really echoed through the room.

You could really hear it
during the silences.

So, you heard it a lot.

Right, I'll try and deal
with that tonight.

It's kind of...
HE MOISTENS

And you can understand that's
not great for an audience, right?

Yeah.
HE MOISTENS

I just feel sorry for
the audience, basically.

They got a baby-sitter, they paid
a lot of money for a night out

and all they're getting is the
sound of a camel eating a Wham bar!

MOBILE RINGS
Oh.

Rickster! How's it going, mate?

Yeah, no, smashed it, didn't I?
You know me.

Yeah, no, he did fine.

Yeah, no, you could really
hear it during the silences.

Yeah, that is exactly
what it sounded like!

Nah.

No, well, yeah, there was
a lot of complaints.

Leasehold windfall, ?100,000 to me.

Another glorious day
in the housing empire.

I love this game.

It's like reality except I don't
have to deal with my awful tenants.

I'm sat right here.

Now to put all this lovely money

into my low-tax, high-yield
Jersey bank account.

Obviously, in reality,
I wouldn't do that,

but this game allows me
to express my dark side.

Right. One, two, three,
four, five, six.

"Chancellor delivers the Budget."
Ah, it's that time of year again.

Take an economic forecast card.
Should be more good news for me.

Only one of those little monkeys
I need to worry about.

"Loophole closed on
Channel Island tax havens.

"All assets seized from investors

"involved in Jersey-based
banking scam."

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, it's all going
in the middle, aww!

And your properties,
come on, everything in.

Oh, God, just don't
roll a three now,

otherwise it'll be
completely ruined!

Don't panic, Geoff.
You've done it before.

No threes, no threes,
no threes, don't panic.

HE GASPS
Yeah!

So, Kate's been talking
to me about Strictly.

I really don't think
they'd take her!

I'm starting to think it's not
actually that great a show to do.

Really? Yeah, because dancing's
very bad for the spine.

Apparently, Ed Balls has
got such a bad back now

that he's got to sleep in
one of those vibrating chairs -

you know, like they have
in service stations?

Yvette Cooper's
absolutely gutted, bless her,

because she hasn't
been spooned in months.

She's a very cuddly person.

No, it's a huge show.
I'm sure it's completely safe.

2005 winner Darren Gough,
he can only bowl underarm now.

That's how mangled
his body became from dancing.

Do you think I'll lose
my place in the Ashes tour?

Yeah, you may joke,

but it's not just going to
impact on your cricket.

It's going to impact on your time.

Because you'll lose days
to training,

Saturday nights to the show,
Sunday nights to the results show,

and that's before you
consider appearances

on Strictly: It Takes Two,
The One Show, BBC Breakfast...

Then there's the tour.

Can you live with that
kind of carbon footprint?

Owen, you aren't exactly
being very supportive.

Oh, I am! Well,
it doesn't feel like it.

No, I'm being totally supportive.

It's just, you know, I want you to
be aware of the very tangible risks.

So, this chat represents you
supporting me in doing Strictly?

Unequivocally, yes.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Great. And if you get it, which
fingers crossed you will... Mm-hm?

..can I come to
all of your rehearsals?

I just don't get why
you're a vegetarian.

I mean, I can see what's
in it for the animals

but what's in it for you? Tofu?

Asthma, dry mouth, vegetarian.

Is there anything you haven't got?

Vegetarian isn't an illness.

You can't treat it. I reckon
a Scotch egg would cure it.

Shall we go? Because I need to
get back before it's too late.

Well, yeah, I just want to
find this interview I did.

According to Rick, I was hilarious.

Not me, not me, not me...

She tried to pull me.

She did pull me.

HE CHUCKLES
Not me.

Yay! Here we go.
Look who it is, muggins!

Double-page spread.

Question, who would be your
dream dinner party guests?

Answer, Barack Obama
and one Mr Jack Daniels.

The interviewer
absolutely loved that.

Great, shall we get going,

because I do need to drop the hire
car off once I've taken you home?

You've got to get
a photo of me with this.

Get your phone out. Really? Come on!

Oh, you've still got an iPhone 5?

That takes me back!

Use mine. It's the new one,
sharpest camera.

Got it for free, obviously.

Did a corporate for
Carphone Warehouse. Smashed it!

Wait, hang on, wait.
Is that all right?

Yeah.

There you go. Yay!

No, Josh, you've got to
touch the screen to focus.

Do it again. Do we have to do this?

Stop moaning! Let's make
the most of this photo op.

It's not a photo op.

It's just yet another
picture of your face.

Touchy. Well, don't worry, mate.

I think I saw your face
in here as well.

It was an advert that said
"You have a erectile dysfunction."

Oh, shut up!

Do I detect a little
pang of jealousy?

Mate, I'm not jealous of you.

Oh, I see now. Of course you are.

It makes sense because
I'm the host of Stop The Press

and you're my driver. I don't care!

Yes, you do, mate. Course you care.

It's the only reason
you're doing this,

hoping that my stardust
rubs off on you.

Actually, Max, I watched an
episode of Stop The Press this week

and I thought it was quite shit.

And even if I could,

I wouldn't want to do that show
because I have standards.

Oh, and another thing,

I don't want a pair of
Italian leather shoes because

the last time I checked,
I wasn't Paul Hollywood.

Now, did you catch all that
or was my mouth too dry for you?

600, 700, 800, 900...

That is ?30 million!

Geoff.

Geoff?

What am I doing with my life?

I'm a landlord who can't even beat
his own tenant at being a landlord.

Well, after 300 victories,
you were due a defeat.

Come on, Kate.

The reason I won 300 in a row

is because I was
playing against myself.

That's how tragic I am. Ah.

I haven't felt despair like this
since I was thrown out of the band.

There's no pain like the day

you're told to pack up your
melodica and never return.

Well, we've all been in a band.

Where are they now?

Well, the Kemp brothers
went into acting

and Tony Hadley lives in
a big house in Buckinghamshire.

What? Yeah.

The band I was in
went on to become Spandau Ballet.

I can't listen to True
without breaking down.

I had to leave my own brother's
wedding during the first dance.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

You've destroyed me.

First Tony Hadley and now you!
HE SOBS

Oh. Oh!

Oh, look, Geoff, it doesn't matter.
Look, look.

The game's still happening, look.

No, it's not!
HE SOBS

OK, OK, look. What's this,
what's this? Triple or quits.

"You've been offered
the chance to invest in

"a high-risk property opportunity.

"Roll a six to triple your money,
one to five to lose it all."

Well, obviously you're not
going to want to do that.

That's for people like me,
the no-hopers!

You're just going to
sit on your wealth.

Do you know what? I've always
been a risk-taker, so why not?

All in.

Oh, no.

I am so unlucky!

HE SOBS

Oh, look, all my money
is going in the middle.

Please don't cry!

Yeah, it's amazing. So, Rick Stein's
now tried every kind of fish.

I saw the episode where
he tried the last one.

He's finished fish.

You OK?

No, I've just... I had
an e-mail from my agent.

Strictly isn't happening.

Yes!

Gutted.

Gutted. Sorry, are you pleased?

No. What makes you say that?

You just fist-pumped. No,
I was fist-pumping in anger.

You know, bloody producers!

Suits at the BBC.

You're delighted. No.

Yeah, you are. Look at you.
Don't lie to me.

OK, I was a little bit worried about
the curse of Strictly, that's all.

What? I didn't want you to
become the next Ali Bastian.

And the 40 thieves?
No, Ali Bastian,

the Hollyoaks star who got
together with Brian Fortuna

during Strictly 2009.

You're worried I would get
together with some dancer?

Yeah, that's the one. You kidding
me? I'm going out with you.

Exactly, that's how
it works, isn't it?

It wouldn't be the curse of Strictly

if it was just single people
getting together.

It's not the blessing of Strictly.
Owen, we're meant to be a couple.

Yeah, we are, you know,
until you end up pushed up

against some muscle-bound
Russian for nine weeks.

And I can't control myself
because I'm driven only by lust?

OK, right, I see
what's happening here.

I can't believe this.
You said you would support me.

Well, I did. No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yeah...

Listen, I think it's
probably for the best

if we just forget the whole thing.

Yeah, you're right. See ya.

Oh, do you want me to walk you home?

What, in case I run into
Ashley Banjo and I can't resist him?

No, but...

Are you breaking up with me? Diana?

Oh.

Curse of Strictly strikes again.

Look, I'm really sorry, all right?

I think I went too far.

I think I'm just upset because
of how the gig went last night.

It's too late, mate.
You've said it now.

You clearly think the show's shit.

It's just not my cup of tea.

Everyone in comedy
probably thinks it's shit.

All of you mugging me off
behind my back.

MOBILE RINGS

It's Rick.

Hiya.

Yeah, he's driving. That's
probably why he didn't pick up.

I'll put you on speakerphone.

Hey, Josh. Hey, Rick.

Just wanted to let you know
that I've heard back

from the producers
of Stop The Press.

Great. Can I call you
about this in a bit?

No, don't worry. It's good news.

I told them how you're supporting
Max and how much you love the show

and apparently, you're in with
a good chance of doing it.

Yeah, Rick, I don't like to
talk while I'm driving,

so can I call you later, please?

No, they're getting back to me
in ten minutes or so,

so I just need to know if
you are definitely up for it.

Hello, Josh? Erm...

What was that? Could you speak up?

I'm afraid it's not
really for me, Rick.

Sorry, lost you there.

I'm guessing that was a yes.
No, it was a no.

Why would it be a no?

Because I'm happy with what I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I want to focus
on my stand-up.

Well, why did you bash me
to get you on the show?

600, 700, 800, 900, and I'm out.

You win. Well done, Geoff.

I'm glad you're
feeling a bit better.

That is the best comeback since,
"I know you are, you said you are,
but what am I?"

Which is a comeback
that works every time.

I've used it three times
on my nephew

and it never fails to deliver tears.

Heart-warming. Yeah.
Just a quick one before I go -

where do you think
you went wrong today?

Well, I risked it all
on the roll of the dice.

No, your mistake was
you let emotion creep into it.

Sorry?

I told you, it's a game of deceit,
duplicity and double-dealing.

I was in a corner,
didn't know where to go.

I was thinking, "What shall I do?"
So, I turned on the waterworks.

No! Yeah.

I made you think I was feeling sad
and you bought it.

"Oh, boo-hoo, I played a board game
on my own 300 times!"

Not true! I played my mother.

What about you getting
kicked out of Spandau Ballet?

Of course I wasn't
in Spandau Ballet!

I think the New Romantics are
a bunch of peacocking fancy boys.

Do I look like
a peacocking fancy boy?

Do I, Kate?

I was just trying to be nice.
And I took full advantage of it.

Do you know what? My mother
once said to me, she said,

"The world is full of fake people.
Be careful who you trust."

And do you know what I said to her?
What?

I said, "I know you are,
you said you are, but what am I?"

Admittedly, it didn't make as much
sense on that occasion, but...

Right. Losers pack up.

You're the strangest
client I've ever had.

I don't know what you want from me.

You moan about not
getting TV work and then,

when it finally comes along,
you reject it.

I think the stress of being
on the road just got to me.

You only did one gig!
It went really badly.

Actually, on that, now that
I've been dropped from the tour,

I do have more time if
there's any other TV work.

You want me to put you up
for more work

after the damage you've done
to my reputation? If possible. No!

Right.

So, you haven't got anything for me?

Oh, actually, there is one thing.

Great! This.

Might help with the
whole dry mouth situation.

MUSIC: True by Spandau Ballet

f I know this much is true... f