All language subtitles for How.I.Got.Into.College.1989.DVDRip.XviD-FRAGMENT.HI

[People Cheering, Chattering]

[Man] "In the final moments
of a marathon...

"two runners, 'A'and 'B',

"Pass a point that is 100 meters from
the finish line at the same time...

"and then run the final 100 meters
of the race at different constant speeds.

"After the runners
pass the point...

"'A'runs 80 meters
in the time 'B'runs 60 meters.

How many meters will 'B'have left in the race
when 'A'reaches the finish line?"

Let's see.

Well, "A"is winning, right,
by 60... no, 80 meters...

but at different
constant speeds.

So "B"could catch up. I mean,
if B's constant speed...

should somehow...

But this could be
one of those trick questions.

- [Siren Blares]
- "A"has to win, right? Yeah.

"A"must win by...
Oh, God. Who knows?

Oh, I don't know the answer.

- [Thud]
- Hey!

What the hell's going on here?

Well, l-l-I'm no good
on the math part.

You're a moron. It's easy!

You should have been in the verbal section.
I have to think this over again.

"Over again."
Forget it. I'm exhausted.

I'll run it again.
You know, no problem.

- You would.
- Give him a break.

It's just some junior
sweating out his S.A.T.'s.

Hey, who gives a shit?

You got a problem? Afraid I'll win?
Is that what's happening?

- You can't win. You're "B." You're never gonna win!
- Oh, really?

You are a disgrace
to the entire alphabet.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Alphabetize this!
- [Groans]

[Man]
Ladies and gentlemen...

this is a shocking situation unfolding
at the finish line.

And yet wasn't the outcome
entirely predictable...

with our athletes
counting on...

- Marlon Browne?
- Gosh, I'm sorry.

You guys should have been
in Jessica Kailo's S.A.T.'s.

You'd be drinking
Gatorade by now.

Are you copying?

Mm-mmm. Nope.
I'm fine. Thanks.

[Sniffling]

[Bell Rings]

Okay, gang. That's all.
Let's go. Let's hand them in.

Here you go, Mrs. Wyler.

- How do you think you did, Marlon?
- I don't know.

It's hard to tell
from a bunch of dots.

Well, I'm sure you did fine.
I'm sure you did fine.

Oh!

It's nothing. Really.
Uh, h-have a good semester.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

[Man Singing]

Are you gonna take
the S.A. T.'s again next month?

I have to. With the scores I have now, I can
only get into the schools I'd never go to.

Kel, it's one
overrated test.

Yeah, well, you can say that, Jessica,
'cause you have really great scores.

You guys, we gotta ease up. If we're this
crazy now, what's it gonna be like in April?

I'm not gonna make it to April.
I know it.

I heard about one girl who lost it so bad
she went into a mental institution.

You mean the one that really cracked
and took off all her clothes in the interview?

Oh, yeah.
Did you hear what happened?

[Kel]
No.

It was terrible because
when she went in for her interview...

she was completely, totally prepared
to discuss the nuclear freeze...

drug abuse,
violence in movies...

all the important issues.

But you know what
the interviewer did instead?

He hit her with
a stress question.

- Bastard.
- Just to watch her squirm, he asked...

"If you could be any major household
appliance, which one would it be and why?"

- [Groans]
- She blurted out "vacuum cleaner,"

but couldn't back it up.

It was all downhill
after that.

No matter what she said,
he wasn't interested.

Finally, he turns to her
and says...

"Looks like
your time's up, miss...

unless you have anything else interesting
you'd like to reveal about yourself."

- And that's when she...
- [Gasps]

Someone told me
she's still in the hospital.

- No, she's dead.
- [Gasps]

- Slit her wrists with the application form.
- That's how she did it?

- Duh!
- [Sighs]

Come on, you guys.
I was joking.

Every year people pass around
these stories about the kid who cracked.

Someone just made it up
to scare us.

Yeah, well,
it worked for me. I'm scared.

- I'm terrified.
- I think getting into college...

is just like
any other campaign.

And we just need
a little bit of strategy.

That's why I asked my parents
to move to Montana... to help me
get into some east coast schools.

- Well, I don't think it's that crazy.
- [Snickering]

I'm sure gonna
miss my dog though.

You're staring at me again, Marlon.
[Kissing Sounds]

Don't do this, Oliver.
I'm weak from unrequited love.

Talk to her about it and end this twisted
childhood obsession with Jessica Kailo.

This is true love.
How many people do you know...

who really end up with
their high school sweethearts?

What are you gonna do?
Wait till you get to college to talk to her?

I have seen a myriad of men come and go through
Jessica Kailo's life since the sixth grade.

I am not going to make
those same mistakes. I'm committed.

- You should be committed.
- I know.

- I know. You have bigger plans.
- Of course I do.

What's it gonna take
to convince you of that?

Forget about
this "go to college" crap.

What's wrong with
experiencing the real world?

Look, we get out of high school,
we stick out our thumbs and pow!

We got a four-year
jump on everybody.

We may even run amok with
rebel game show hostesses...

traveling the world
with unclaimed vacation prizes.

I'm sorry, Oliver.
I don't buy into the theory...

that on day one of real life...

we stick out our thumbs and
pow... Vanna White picks us up...

and drives us off into
a bright and exciting tomorrow.

Well, I don't buy into the theory
that getting a college education...

has gotta revolve entirely
around the possibility...

ofJessica Kailo finally
giving you the time of day!

[All Talking Stops]

- It's 12:30.
- Thank you.

Sure.

[Jessica Laughing]

[Jessica]
Here we go.

Hi, Mrs. Elzwitt-Marcato-Hazelbaum.
I'm here to see Mrs. Wyler.

- Oh.
- I'll be with you in a minute, Jessica.

Okay, thanks,
Mrs. Wyler.

Hi, Martin.

Marlon... Browne.

- Are you gonna vote for me?
- Oh, vote for you i-in the election.

For class president.
Uh, of course, you don't have to.

I would love to. Why don't you give me
a button, and I'll do publicity for you.

- Buttons are a dollar.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, all right.
- No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

They're just kidding you.

There you go.
It looks great.

Why don't you give me some extra ones,
and I'll pass them out for you.

Okay. I appreciate this.

Okay, Jessica.

When elected, Marlon,
I won't let you down.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So how was Italy, Jessica?
- Oh, it was great. It changed my life.

Well, being an exchange student
looks super on your record.

You'd be surprised how important
it is the way you spend your summers.

It's getting insane.
Okay, let's see.

Last spring your first choice
was Michigan.

- My parents are alums. That's where they met.
- Michigan's an excellent school.

- So what's the problem?
- I want to go to Ramsey College.

[Gasps]
Ooh, goody! Ramsey.

[Jessica] I met a group of kids
in Italy who go to Ramsey.

They were on this
junior-year abroad program...

in Venice to save the Italian frescoes
from pollution.

While I was there, I realized
it's exactly the sort of thing I want to do.

I mean, instead of being
a sorority girl...

which is basically the direction
I've been headed in ever since... birth.

Those kids are so cool.

When they order spaghetti,
they call it pasta.

I think you have a wonderful
chance to get into Ramsey.

So apply there
and apply to Michigan.

Right.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you. Good luck.

- Thanks. Bye.
- Bye.

Do you have
an appointment, Marlon?

Or did you just drop in?
Here. Come here.

Bye-bye.

So, Marlon, uh,
any specific college plan?

- Well, you know Jessica Kailo.
- This Jessica Kailo?

Mm-hmm. This Jessica Kailo.

The same one that just left?

Mm-hmm. My college plan
specifically...

is to go wherever
she might be going.

- That's your college plan?
- Mm-hmm.

That's about the size of it.

That's about the size of it.

[Man] Our projections indicate that
we can expect over 8,000 applications...

- for the 470 places in next year's class.
- [Man] Wow.

In other words, that's almost
20 candidates for each available spot.

Thanks, Sally. In other words,
it's a seller's market.

- [Man] Hear, hear.
- Now, as usual...

we are top-heavy
with students from both coasts.

So for those of you
recruiting out west, eyes out...

for that mythical kid
from Montana.

[Woman Giggling]

- Yes, Miss Saatchi, something funny?
- No. No, sir. I'm sorry.

Oh, yes. And yesterday I received
this message from the music department.

"Jesus, Bob, no more oboes."

"No more oboes."Lock up their pencils.
That's one funny bunch.

By the way, did everyone see
the poster Kip designed?

Oh, yeah.
Hammett, the floor is yours.

Okay, well, you know,
it's just our regular brochure...

but unfolded,
it's an art-quality poster.

Sally, can you help me?

See. "At Ramsey, we're looking
beyond the numbers."

[Coughs] But what does
it mean exactly?

What it means, Flutter, is that, sure,
grades and S.A.T.'s are important to us...

but people impress us more.

We're sending a message.

- Want to know the message
this poster is sending, Kip?
- No.

[Scoffs] Bob, it sounds to me
like Ramsey has an inferiority complex.

Come on. What's the problem?
Ramsey always gets great kids. I went here.

Exactly.

I think our message should be that
we're scrutinizing the numbers.

So do I. We should be competitive
with all the top schools.

Chancellor Holbrooke,
come in, please.

Sit down, everyone.

Is that a new suit?
It's your color, Mrs. Holbrooke.

Thank you, Leo.

[Bob] I think all of you know I'll be
moving on to another school next year.

Chancellor Holbrooke will be
naming my replacement.

I thought I would ask her
to say a few words.

And those few words are I am looking
to promote from within.

I also want to thank Bob for
the fine work he's done the last 17 years.

The quality of our applicant pool
just gets better and better.

Leo says this year's kids
should be off the charts.

Thank you, Chancellor.
Joanna.

This year we are going to
get killer kids...

the kind of student that can
make it in the real world...

the kind that can land
those high-paying jobs...

and drive those big cars.

- Like that B.M.W. You lease?
- I think my car sends a very strong message.

And if I had designed
this poster, it might read... Sally...

"Come to Ramsey, and one day
you too will own a B.M.W." Thank you, Sally.

Now, that's a sentiment
that won't be lost...

on today's
career-minded students.

What about kids that aren't sentimental
about cars? Do we just reject all of them?

Life's full
of rejection, Hammett.

I think we're doing
the low-caliber applicant a favor...

by letting them know that
right at the starting line.

It's very painful to be
rejected by a college, Marlon...

and you just don't have
the numbers to get into Ramsey.

But I can take my S.A.T.'s
over again, right?

And you should also
start trying to find some safeties...

like maybe a state school
up in the Upper Peninsula.

Jessica Kailo's applying there?

Get out of here, Marlon.

- Go. Leave. Be gone. Get out.
- Thank you, Miss Wyler.

"At Ramsey, we're looking
beyond the numbers."

I'm beginning to like
the sound of that, Kip.

Yeah, it'll help us root out
the pigs, Flutter.

Yeah, or any other barnyard animals
who are trying to apply.

[Flutter] If you'd read that folder,
you'd have fallen for it too.

Come on, Flutter. I mean,
the transcript read, "I am a pig."

Irving Michael Anthony Pigg,
spelled P-I with a double "G."

- It was a brilliant prank.
Would have fooled anyone.
- [Electronic Whirring]

[Leo Scoffs]
It only fooled you, Flutter.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Okay. What is this?

All right. A year ago I was tricked into
admitting a pig. I was made a fool of.

Can't you let me
forget it, Leo?

Come on. I mean, always hiding
these pigs in my office...

Please.
[Groans]

[Toy Squeaking]

[Squeaking Continues]

[Kip] It takes a special breed of
admissions officer to admit an animal.

- Even one with all the numbers.
- The numbers are great. I've got 'em in my office.

Hey, guys.
Coach Evans is looking for you.

[All]
Coach Evans. Break!

[All]
Coach Evans. Break!

- [Whistle Blows]
- Hold it right there, you people.

It makes me nervous when you boys
disappear behind closed doors.

I end up with athletic chemists
and well-rounded political science majors...

instead of somebody
who can run with a football.

[Groans]
Hand off to you, Kip.

- I've got a lunch with the chancellor.
- [Groans]

Nice move.

But you and I, we're gonna talk about it now,
goddamn it! Goddamn it!

Nina! Coach, come on.
I give. Uncle. Uncle.

Now, just in case you've forgotten
what they look like, this is an athlete.

- Ronny "Sure Hands"Paulson?
- He's already the center of an all-out bidding war.

Maybe we could just
mention a car this year... a small car.

I mean, some schools are offering
stock portfolios, goddamn it.

You'd better coordinate with Nina. She's
our man in charge of minority recruitment.

This is not minority recruitment.
This is athletics.

Look, this kid
can get in anywhere.

I want someone
who needs Ramsey.

Well, me too. But if he can
catch a goddamn football.

[Chuckles]
See you, Coach.

Why don't you just come with us to the college
fair and at least talk to the Ramsey people?

- Oh, I should talk to the Ramsey people?
- Yeah.

There are just about eight zillion kids
dying to get into Michigan.

Your sisters went to Michigan.
They loved Michigan. They survived.

Yeah, they all survived
ham pineapple surprise too, Dad.

What's wrong with
ham pineapple surprise?

Your sisters all
asked for the recipe.

Dad, you know
I'm not like my sisters...

and I'm ready to start
making my own decisions...

with what I want to do
with my life, right?

She wants to save
Italian frescoes.

Oh, la santa Jessica.
How sweet.

Did you ever think there might be something
else around here that needed saving?

Did you ever go to
downtown Detroit?

The whole place has to be
scraped and sprayed. It's polluted.

- Come on, Dad. Be serious.
- I am serious, honey.

Why should we pay $10,000
for you to go to Ramsey...

when you can
go to Michigan for two?

Come on. Is the football team
five times cuter?

Do you get an education
that's five times better?

I'll get a job. I'm already
looking into student loans.

I really wish you'd decide
to come with.

There's been a big change with student loans,
you know. They want to get paid back.

Let's go.

- Mom?
- What?

- Is Dad really my father?
- Honey.

Rah, rah, Ramsey.

Okay, let's meet
those Ramsey people. Come on.

Dad, are you really
gonna wear that hat?

No, your mother's gonna
wear the hat.

- Oh, George, we're so glad
you're keeping an open mind.
- Open wallet's more like it.

College fair. College fair. You know, Jack
Kerouac never went to a college fair, Marlon.

Oh, yeah? Well, he would have if he
knew Jessica Kailo was gonna be there.

A great afternoon wasted on a boring,
uneventful and predictable formality.

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

[Marching]

Marlon, don't forget.
Safety first.

Get plenty of safeties.

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

Lone Star State.
Y'all come in and check us out.

- [All] Yeehaw!
- [Both Scream]

Hi, boys.
What are your names?

- Oliver.
- Marlon.

Excuse me?

- Oliver.
- Marlon.

- What'd you say?
- Marlon.
- Oliver.

I can't hear you, boy!

- Oliver!
- Marlon!

You girls want to
go to college?

- No.
- Yeah.

College is for pussies!

- Hold it. Stop right there, students.
- [Both Scream]

Do you believe in robotics
and artificial intelligence?

- [Students] Yeah.!
- Then come along and follow me.

Regard, Marlon,
the nerd factor...

followed by
the Asian factor.

All of us expected to play our roles according
to future needs of a planned economy.

Hey, at least
we have a future.

From what I hear,
Marlon could end up flipping hamburgers.

How did he know? What, are my grades
posted on a bulletin board somewhere?

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

I'm glad you're interested
in us, Jessica...

'cause Ramsey's a campus
full of real individuals.

- That's great.
- Those are the people...

you want to spend four years
of your life with?

Maybe I should just go
over there alone.

- Let me give you my card.
- Good luck.

Please, give us a call, any of you,
if you have any questions.

- Oh, thank you.
- I have a question, young man.

[Clears Throat]
Is the pizza at Ramsey...

- five times better than the pizza at Michigan?
- Daddy.

I hope you'll answer that by coming
to our open house, Mr. Kailo.

- Some of us will be there.
- We'll be there. Definitely.

- Oh, yeah. Count on us.
- Thanks.

Hi. Could I answer
any questions about Ramsey?

Uh, no. No. This is the school
I wanted right here.

[Mouthing Word]

Welcome to
the Arcadia Bible Academy.

Last night, Jesus Christ appeared to me
in a vision on a flaming pie...

and he spoke unto me
and said, "I want..."

What's your name?

- Marlon.
- Marlon!

"I want Marlon to attend
the Arcadia Bible Academy...

payin' full tuition,
of course."

Son, Jesus loves you.

He might not if he saw
my S.A.T. Scores.

- They're low?
- Low.

All right.

- Thanks anyway.
- Yeah. Jesus.

[Sighs]

I've been working at Ramsey
for about a year. I really enjoy it...

Excuse me. Is it too late
to ask questions?

No, no, no.
It's never too late.

Choosing a college
is a major decision.

Given some thought
to your educational goals?

Well, personally speaking,
say, uh, I were in love with a girl...

but obviously she wouldn't be
interested in me...

until I had something more
to offer her and the world in general.

I know that Ramsey would be
a good place for me to go and do that.

- You want to go to college to broaden your mind.
- Right.

Because you want to
win this girl.

- Jessica Kailo.
- I talked toJessica Kailo.

So have I. Once.

"Once." You're following
a girl to college...

you've talked to once.
[Chuckles]

- Look, um...
- Marlon.

Marlon. Marlon, do you think this is
the best way to plan your future?

[Exhales]
Maybe not the best way...

but people choose colleges
for all kinds of idiotic reasons...

like fraternities and
Slavic language departments.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but, uh, I gotta tell ya...

trailing after
a girl is risky.

Someone likeJessica Kailo,
l-l-I'm sure she has plans.

On the other hand,
you're right. I mean...

people have given me much worse reasons
for wanting to get into Ramsey.

No kidding. I bet.

Marlon, why don't you
just take my card.

You and your parents
come to our open house. All right?

Well, actually it's my dad
and my stepmother, and they're kind of busy.

That's okay.
You come, then.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wow. I really appreciate this,
Mr. Hammett.

- You'll definitely be hearing from me.
- Okay.

- Oh!
- [Chuckles]

[Grunts]
Help.

[Woman] Okay, Willie,
find the tetrahedron.

- [Chuckles]
- No, that's a hexagon, sweetie.

See? Count.

[Together]
One, two, three...

four, five, six.

- Willie!
- Marlon.

Airplane. Airplane.
Airplane. Airplane.

All right. Give me your arm. Give me your leg.
[Imitates Engine Roaring]

- I hate when he does that.
- So, Marlon...

any progress on
the old college front?

Yep. I talked to a guy
about a school today.

- Which one? Harvard?
- [Chuckles]

- No, Sharon.
- Mom.

Call Sharon "Mom," Marlon.
Come on. Give it a try. Come on.

No, Mom, it wasn't
old Harvard...

or Stanford or even M.I.T.

- It's Ramsey.
- Ramsey.

- Where else did you look?
- Nowhere else.

- For God's sakes.
- I thought the idea was to make a list.

Of course it was.
A long, practical list.

How many hundreds of colleges
were at that fair?

How many thousands exist in this country
and you come up with a list of one?

- And I don't think he'll get into there.
- Of course he won't.

The thing about Ramsey, Dad, is that
they actually consider people like me.

What does that mean?
They're searching for someone...

with a definitive collection
of Silver Surfer comic books?

This is not helpful.
Come on. Get out.

I got this for you.

"Bauer & Benedek College
Preparation Service"?

Someone in Sharon's... your mom's...
aerobics class sent their kid there.

I don't know. Maybe they can
do something for you.

I want you to go, Marlon.

- It's time you got your head out of the clouds.
- You're right, Dad.

And it is. It's out.

I made a valuable contact today,
and I really think that you should trust me.

What does that mean, Bill?

He'll still be
living at home next year?

[Marlon] "In the middle
of a shark-infested harbor...

[Marlon] "In the middle
of a shark-infested harbor...

- two men, 'A'and 'B, '
strike a submerged boulder."
- Hey, we're gonna drown!

Do something, you... you idiot!

"Their crippled boat begins taking on water
at the rate of five gallons per minute.

"If man 'A'can dump
two gallons per minute...

"how much water
must man 'B'bail...

to keep the 60-cubic-foot
boat from sinking?"

- Oh, Jesus.
- What? What's going on?

- It's that moron.
- Him?

Oh, Christ.

Oh, things are different
now that we're in the same boat, huh?

We're gonna die!

Would you guys stop worrying?
This is a practice test. I'm in a class.

Bail, punk, bail.

Does everyone agree it's questions
like this one that forced you in here?

- [All] Yeah.
- Welcome to the Bauer-Benedek workshop.
It's hard.

And let's face it, if you had
a snowball's chance in hell...

of solving this, you wouldn't have to
be here on a beautiful Saturday morning...

preparing to take
your S.A.T.'s over again.

- Am I right?
- [Sobbing]

Okay. But does that mean
you should leave the question blank?

- Yes.
- Never.

- Right, Francine.
- A blank answer gets you zero points.

Knowing that and applying
the law of averages...

tells you that if you can eliminate two
choices out of a five-answer question...

or just one choice from
a question that has only four...

then you're better off guessing than leaving
the question blank, which gives you zero points.

- Are you with me so far?
- [All] No.

Well, that's the beauty
of the Bauer-Benedek system.

You see, you don't have to
understand us. Just...

- trust us.
- Trust us.

Guessing cannot hurt you.

You have the B&B
guarantee on that.

Just close your eyes and point.

[Sobbing]

Keep bailing.
We're gonna be all right.

Oh, really?
The moron's back.

- Look, you guys, it's okay to guess.
- Skip it.

So, uh, let's say
the answer is, um...

- Let's just make it "D."
- "D"? What are you thinking about? "D"?

- No, uh, "B." "B."
- You're gonna kill us! Leave it blank!

- Leave it blank. Go back to it.
- You freak!

- "B."
- Go by it. Next question.

It's "A." "E."

- Save us!
- "A."

- Thank you.
- [Sobbing]

Marlon, how did it go?

Okay. I'm not too sure about
the guessing part though.

You're like every kid who walks
in here, Marlon... gullible.

The process has you intimidated.

You think getting into the college of your
choice has to do with how smart you are.

You know what it actually is?

It's imaging.
It's P.R. And strategy...

selling yourself
and marketing...

positioning and packaging.

Wow! It sounds like I could skip college
and go straight to product endorsement.

Look...

can you guys help me
get into Ramsey College?

How about sports? If you're good,
it's always gonna help you.

Football? Baseball?
Soccer? Swimming?

Lacrosse, wrestling, polo?

Discus, tennis, volleyball,
javelin, something?

One year I won the Neighborhood
Association Ping-Pong Championship.

- Ping-Pong.
- Do you have your check, Marlon?

Yeah.

- Thank you, Marlon.
- Thanks.

[Man Rapping]

[Man] See, Ron is just
a tremendous athlete...

and he's talking
to them big schools...

and what they're saying
to him is money...

apartments, cars.

You know, some schools have even
offered to bring me up on holidays...

off-season... maybe even bring
my Ronny home on weekends.

- Wha...
- See, he's overwhelmed. He wants
to make the right decision...

but he's only human...

and you and I both know
he will generate a shitload...

Excuse my French.
Uh, uh...

He'll generate a shitload of money
for whatever school he goes to.

Ronny, do you want to
go to a college...

You know, some schools have
even mentioned stock portfolios.

Yeah, I've heard of those schools
who offer things to athletes.

Not to just athletes,
Miss Saatchi.

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]

I think I know
what you mean.

- Well, congratulations on your all-state, Ronny.
- Oh, thank you.

Uh, now we might as well say good-bye,
because other than a scholarship...

I can't really
offer you anything...

or your coach.

The truth is...

our team isn't
really that great anyway.

I'm sure you have other people for Ronny to meet
and talk about your retirement plan.

If you want to talk education,
Ronny, give me a call.

- Can we at least get your phone number?
- Let me get some paper.

I've got a card right...

May I have
this piece of paper, please?

- What's your number?
- I know that didn't just happen.

Excuse me. Actually...

there were words on that piece of paper
that I was reading...

you old fool!

[Chuckles]

I'll, uh, give you a call.

You know, I've been watching
Sure Hands be recruited...

but I have never seen
technique like that before.

- [Hip-Hop]
- Morris!

Would you chill out
with the noise, please?

[Stops]

Thank you.

That girl studying,
what grade is she in?

Oh, Vera Cooke?
She's a senior.

Hmm. What kind of college plans
would she have, do you think?

Community college maybe.
I don't know.

Why don't you ask her?

Good idea.

- Excuse me. Vera?
- Yes.

Um, uh, my name is Nina Saatchi.
Do you have a minute?

- Sure.
- I'm a recruiter from Ramsey College.

I don't know if you've
heard of it.

[Laughs] I've heard of it enough to know
you're not giving away cars.

I'm sorry if we disturbed you,
but did you happen to hear...

anything else
that made an impression?

Well, the part about
a serious education sounded nice...

and being off in oasis...

but I'm sure that stuff only applies
for people like Ronny Paulson.

No, no, that's not
necessarily true.

In fact, I'd love to tell you more
about it if you're interested.

Sounds great, but the problem is
I'm getting ready to go to work.

Oh, well, could we
talk about it at work?

- Sure, if you want to.
- So what do you do?

Well, I'm somewhat
of a spud technician.

And that is why I was so excited
about finding Vera in the library today.

I could tell that
she's passionate.

- I'm just a little enthusiastic.
- You are.

I never want to tell my kids
they can't do something...

Lindy, don't ride
that thing like that.

Because that's not good.

It just deflates
their aspirations, but Vera...

Watch out, Mom. You're just
about to deflate my aspirations.

I'm sorry, Vera, but I can't
sit here and listen to somebody...

tempt you with offers
she can't deliver.

I can promise a fair shake
from the admissions committee.

I'm looking for more
than a fair shake for Vera.

I'm looking for her
to have a real career.

- Mom.
- First, get thejob.

Then go to college
at night if you want to.

That's the way to do it.

Cookies.

My mother is a bit stubborn,
but I'll keep talking to her.

And I'll call her
and talk to her some more.

Meanwhile, I want you to see Ramsey.
You've got to come to our open house.

How about if I tell her I'm attending
a McD.L.T. Training seminar?

- [Laughs] See you later.
- See you later.

Can I help you, please?

[Instrumental Film Theme]

[Continues]

Oh, I love this part.

So, how was your day?

The best. I found someone
unbelievable...

just sitting in the library thinking swing shift
keypunch was the best life has to offer.

Yeah. This doesn't sound like
Ronny "Sure Hands"Paulson.

- She is somebody nobody wants.
- Great. How are her numbers?

Ouch.

I can't believe
you asked that.

They don't sound so good.

She's bright,
articulate, feisty.

She needs a full scholarship.

Maybe she does.

[Marlon] "Two men, 'A'and 'B, 'jump
from a plane at 20,000 feet...

"two seconds apart,
and fall at constant speeds.

- "At what height
must 'B'open his parachute...
- [Screaming]

In order to land
at the same time as 'A'?"

- Uh, I think it's "B."
- [Screaming Continues]

- "C."
- You're killing me!

- "A."
- Ow!

- "A." "A."
- Answer the question!

- "E"!
- Answer the question, Marlon!

I don't know.

I don't know.
I don't know.

[Screaming Continues]

I'm still not convinced
about the guessing part.

Yeah, well, that was my last chance
for that stupid test.

If that Bauer-Benedek stuff
doesn't work...

- I might end up at
the East Michigan School of Beauty.
- Hi, guys.

- Hey, did you know that Marlon's
applying to Ramsey too?
- Oh.

Well, it's on my list of schools,
but I'm considering a very long list.

Not me. My mom's driving me to Ramsey's
open house next week for my interview.

We just went to the Bauer & Benedek school
on interviewing and it better work.

I know. They said you're supposed to be
confident but not arrogant.

- Yeah, frank but don't lie.
- Spontaneous but never combust.

So are you going
for an interview, then?

Sure. In fact, the interview's gonna be
key for me since I'm the type...

that comes across much better
in person than on paper.

Oh, you do?
Maybe I'll see you there.

Right. I'll look for you.

- Okay.
- Bye.

All right, girls. Reality check here. Does
Marlon Browne stand a chance at Ramsey?

- Are you kidding? Marlon Browne?
- Marlon Browne?

Well, that's what I thought. I don't know
though. He's kind of cute in a weird way.

I think you think that because he's your
competition. Since he's really no competition...

I think you think that because he's your
competition. Since he's really no competition...

I think you're feeling grateful
but confused.

You know, by an exaggerated
sense of euphoria.

You know, Kelly,
you're right. Thanks.

- Getting into college
can really play with your mind.
- Yeah.

I can't believe this.
I feel like such a hypocrite.

I'm actually driving you
to college...

so you can become another industrial
bureaucrat polluting our environment.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I could really take a few lessons...

from you in that department, huh, Oliver?
[Coughing]

- What are you being, sarcastic?
- [Exhaust Backfiring]

[Jessica]
Mom, isn't this place beautiful?

- I mean, everybody looks so smart.
- I know.

- It's great.
- It is. It's beautiful.

God, Mother, I love this place. This is
the only school I ever want to go to.

Oh. It's very impressive.

- Oh, look. It's Mr. Hammett.
Come on. Let's go talk to him.
- Oh, yeah.

- Hi, Mr. Hammett.
- Hi, Julie.

- Jessica.
- Jessica. Right.

- Jessica Kailo.
- You remembered my name.

- I see you brought your sister along.
- Oh.

Hi, Kip.

- Hi.
- We were gonna go on a tour of the campus.

- I hope you like the college,
and I'll see you at the party.
- Okay, great.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Such a nice young man.
- Mother. Favor. Please don't ask any questions.

I want everything
under control. Okay?

Oh, Jessica.
Come on.

Jessica is really
starting to like me.

It's still subtle, but she's starting to think
of me as a college guy, you know...

and that intrigues her.

- Things are really gonna jell
once she sees me on that campus.
- [Raspberries]

You think I'm crazy.

No, I think you're a lunatic,
but that's why we're friends.

Now make love to me,
you hot college monkey, you!

[Man Singing]

[Ends]

It is really going to be difficult
making decisions this year.

Your "looking beyond the numbers"
campaign is really pulling them in.

[Chuckles]

I still say they should tattoo
their S.A.T. Scores across their forehead.

At least that way I could make
my decisions easy enough.

My dear God.

- Hi, I'm...
- Leo Whitman. [Chuckles]

We met at the Carlsborough Academy
alumni tea, Dr...

- Dr. PhillipJellinek.
- Jellinek. That's right.

- PhillipJellinek, Jr.
- Yes, you are, and welcome to Ramsey.

It's incredible.

The girls' dorm is this way,
and over that way...

And you still think it will be the same around
here with Leo as the dean of admissions.

[Scoffs]
I don't want to be dean of admissions.

All right. But what's it
going to be like working for him?

- [Horn Honking]
- [Whistle Blows]

Oh, wow. Wow.
Look who's here.

We got Ronny "Sure Hands" Paulson
here, goddamn it.

- Hi, Ronny.
- Hello, Miss Saatchi. I'll bet
you're surprised to see us.

I'll admit, a little.
Dean, this is Ronny Paulson.

And this is Ronny's lawyer,
Dan Bestman.

- We were supposed to bring a lawyer?
- [All] Shit.

[Man Singing]

So how have you found Ramsey so far?

- I took the bus, remember?
- [Chuckles]

No. Really,
Miss Saatchi, I'm fine.

I appreciate
your time and concern...

but you should be out
enjoying yourself.

It's not exactly me
you should be baby-sitting.

Oh, you're right. I have to go
baby-sit the love of my life. Excuse me.

I'm sure I'll be just fine.

- [Together] Hi.
- I was wrong.

What is this atrocity?

[Kip]
Welcome, Ramsey hopefuls.

- We're theJellineks.
- Oh, yes. You certainly are.

So, are you just dropping off
young Jellinek?

- Why would I do that?
- See, sir, it's, uh...

it's kind of
a kids' get-together.

They can kind of unwind
without the parents around...

and get a feel
for the social life here at Ramsey.

- Social life?
- Yeah.

- Social disease is more like it.
- Why don't you look around, have some food...

and spread your warmth.

Making, uh,
new friends here?

See the world, Vera.
Smash out of this coffin...

they call a college experience
before they shut the lid.

How very uplifting, Oliver. Ever thought about
entertaining sick kids in hospitals?

Oliver takes his college-free future
very seriously.

He's looking to travel the world
with renegade game show hostesses.

Sounds like your run-of-the-mill American
dream. What are you looking for, Marlon?

It just walked in.

[Singing Continues]

Hey, Marlon Browne.
You made it.

Barely. We took Oliver's car.

Ramsey's wonderful.

I just have this feeling that I'm
gonna ace my interview tomorrow.

- It's the only school I want to go to.
- Funny thing.

L-I suddenly think Ramsey
might be in my stars also.

Marlon, it's
the real world now.

Marlon, you're different.

Y-You mean, like different
different, or like Elephant Man different?

No, no, I mean good different.
You're not geeky.

- I mean you're not the way
I thought you were at school.
- Yeah, well...

this is a preview
of the college me.

- There's four more years of this
to come if you're interested.
- [Chuckles]

Just make a decision, Jess. I mean, they're not
gonna accept you or not accept you...

- based on your shoes.
- You need to stand out, Mom.

Every detail counts. Which do you think
I should wear, Reeboks or my loafers?

Your Reeboks.

Okay, but that could make me look
too frivolous and not intellectual enough.

- Why don't you wear your Reeboks
and show them your loafers?
- Mom.

Oh, honey. Wear your Reeboks.
Go for it. What the hell.

Good luck.
We're very proud of you.

[Leo] I'm sorry. I have no idea.
I'll find out why this happened.

I promise you, sir,
heads will roll. Trust me.

L-I can't believe someone would be
so insensitive as to make this mistake.

Sally, there's been a grievous mistake.
This is Mr. Jellinek.

Dr. Jellinek.
I'm PhillipJellinek, Jr.

- Sally, for some ungodly reason,
- My pleasure.

Phillip here has been scheduled
to interview with Flutter.

- Yeah? So what?
- It really doesn't matter
who conducts the interviews.

If it doesn't matter,
we'll see Dean Patterson.

No. His schedule
is already overloaded.

Overload...

Oh, Sally.
Can I have a word with you?

Well, if there's anything
I can help you with, uh...

questions about the courses...

accom... modations?

- Anything at all.
- Sally...

they met with the dean
at Princeton and Yale...

not some 4-H club reject
like Flutter.

Flutter is the guy
who only sees the people...

who are like...
bleeding-heart fresco savers.

You know,
socially-correct cheerleaders...

that are elected class president in spite of
the fact that they can't even decide...

which shoes to wear when they
leave the house without talking to Mommy.

TheJellineks are Ramsey legacy, for God sakes,
and you've got 'em scheduled with Flutter.

Leo, calm down.
I will see what I can do.

Good.

- All set, sir. Nothing to worry about.
- Good. We'll see the dean.

I didn't travel 400 miles
to see underlings.

Let the rest of these people
be seen by underlings...

- like that girl in the Reeboks there.
- [Leo] Her?

[Chuckles] Girls like her
are a dime a dozen.

She's state college material
at best.

Let's go inside.

"Dime a dozen"?

- Hi.
- Hi.

See her? I bet she has
a 3.5 grade average.

- Yeah? How do you know?
- Oh, almost everybody here does...

- with about a combined 1350 on their S.A.T.'s.
- Oh, me too.

- So, are there many people here
on the yearbook staff?
- Oh, billions.

- I'm editor of mine.
- Oh.

I'm just activity reporter of mine. I didn't
want it to interfere with my cheerleading.

Well, my cheerleading practice
comes before school.

Well, that wouldn't work for me because I have
class meetings in the morning and I'm president.

- Although you're probably class president also.
- No, vice president.

- That's an important job. I mean,
in case the president dies.
- My sister is president.

- Laurie.
- Terrie.

- We better go practice.
- We have a special audition...

With the music
department.

Great. What instrument
do you play?

- The violin.
- The oboe.

- She plays the oboe.
- She plays the violin. Anyway, we better get going.

- [Together] Good luck.
- Bye.

Excuse me.

[Sighs]

[Sally]
Jessica Kailo.

[Whimpers]

- [Buzzer Buzzes]
- Jessica Kailo's coming in, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, send her in, Sally.

- [Knocking On Door]
- Uh, come in.

Come in.
[Groans]

Oh, excuse me.
I'm Jessica Kailo, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm Jessica Kailo, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, Jessica,
how are you?

I'm... I'm fine. Thanks.
And you?

Well, I've hurt my hand,
but I'm fine.

- Would you like to sit down, Julie.
- Jessica.

- Jessica. Yeah, fine.
- [Toy Squeaks]

[Squeaking Continues]

- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- Yes. Thank you.

- Oh! I'm sorry.
- [Cup Shatters]

Um, gotta go. See you.

Marlon Browne.
10:00 interview.

Terrific. Have a seat.

I was an exchange student
last summer.

So I learned quite a bit
of Italian.

Uh, y-yes.
And where were you?

- Where was I?
- Yes. Where did you study Italian?

- In Italy.
- Oh. Yes.

[Chuckles]

Uh, in Italy, I met a lot of
interesting people while I was studying there.

Some of them were involved
in saving the Italian frescoes.

Those are paintings.

Oh. Yes, of course.

- [Thinking] He's bored. I'm losing him.
- Go on. Go on.

I think one of
the most significant...

[Thinking] He's totally not interested.
He's... He's ignoring me.

He's cleaning his closets
while I'm dying a thousand deaths.

I'm completely blowing this.

All the old hand-carved animals.

Uh, horses, tigers...

ostriches, pigs...

Pigs? Why did you say that?

- I don't know why.
- Oh.

Well, you know,
pigs are very interesting animals.

One very famous literary figure
kept pigs as pets.

- Do you know who that was?
- [Thinking] Stress question, stress question.

- No.
- He was Gertrude Stein.

- Oh.
- [Toy Squeaking]

Uh... [Clears Throat]
I was also involved...

in a lot of other activities
at school...

- [Toy Squeaking]
- Yearbook staff...

uh, World Affairs Council...

um, Honor Society.

What's this?

Oh, uh, that's my watch.

Well, I see our time
is just about up, Julie.

- Jessica.
- Jessica.

- Okay, great.
- [Toy Squeaks]

- So my interview's over with.
- Unless there's something else...

you would like to reveal
about yourself.

Unless I have anything else
I'd like to reveal about myself?

Yes. Unless you have anything else
you'd like to reveal about yourself.

[Thinking] Reveal about myself?
Reveal about myself?

Reveal myself.
Reveal myself.

Anything else I'd like to
reveal about myself?

Is there anything else
I'd like to reveal about myself?

[Screams]

- Shit!
- Whoa!

I'll never
get accepted here.

[Sobbing]

Jessica?

Marlon, your appointment.

There's no rescheduling, pup.

Pup, pup, pup. Puppy.

Jessica, how you doin'?

Marlon, if you don't mind, I really
don't feel like talking right now.

Oh, sure. No problem. We can always
talk later in school or something.

- Or maybe next year here at Ramsey.
- I won't be here next year.

I'm not right
for this school.

Come on. You?
You're perfect...

- for Ramsey.
- Everyone here is perfect. Haven't you noticed?

I blew it. I had
a terrible interview.

[Scoffs] Jesus.
Interviews don't matter.

I just blew mine completely,
coming out here. How about that?

- I thought you said the interview
was gonna be the key for you.
- Sure, they matter a little.

But it's not like high school, where if you make
a mistake you get branded as a moron for life.

- It's no big deal at a place like Ramsey.
- How do you know?

Trying things out
is what happens at college.

You get a great chance to start all over again,
just when most people need to.

It's like a federal protection
and relocation program for teenagers.

You don't know how bad it was.

Nothing could be that bad.

- It was awful. Trust me.
- But awful enough to ruin your chances?

You would have to
do something really idiotic...

like expose yourself
or something.

Marlon, leave me alone,
all right?

Something happened
with her interview...

and she has locked herself in her hotel room
and won't talk to anyone.

- I think something really terrible has happened.
- I'm sorry...

but there is no way
I could show you her files.

They're strictly
confidential.

I know, but now she's considering
not even applying to Ramsey.

[Sighs] This choosing a college
because of a girl...

maybe we should
discuss that idea.

- We did once before.
- Yeah? What'd I say?

- You said you'd heard a lot of worse reasons.
- Are you in love with Jessica?

Then screw it.
Love is a fuckin'noble emotion...

but Ramsey is not gonna admit you
based on your feelings for a girl.

- You've gotta forget her.
- Forget her?

Let me worry
aboutJessica Kailo.

You concentrate on
your own application, okay?

[Sighs]
Okay.

This is terrific, Mr. Hammett.
Just great.

- Thanks so much.
- Sure.

I really appreciate this.
God, this is just great.

[Kip] My vote can't
be bought there, Marlon.

Thanks. Okay.

- Thanks again.
- Ooh. Ouch.

Yeah.

- [Knocking On Door]
- Come in.

I heard you wanted to
talk to me, Mr. Hammett.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Jessica.
Come on in.

I wanted to talk to you
before you left.

Hi. Sit down.

- How are ya?
- Hi.

I heard you were kind of upset after
your interview with Mr. Flutter yesterday.

Mr. Hammett, I'd rather not
talk about that right now.

Look, l... I know
you feel vulnerable.

I mean, you just
open yourself up...

to a perfect stranger,
probably for the first time.

But, look,
it's just an interview...

and you were not being judged
on what you have or what you don't have.

I know. You think the littlest things
are a big deal...

but, believe me,
really they're not.

Okay. We've seen it all before.

And Mr. Flutter,
he felt that you were an extremely...

well-rounded young lady.

Oh, God!

[Door Closes]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Uh-huh.
- Pomona, can you hold?
I have Duke on the other line.

Duke, can you hold?
I have Georgetown on the other line.

I know you're disappointed, Chancellor Smith.
His application was fabulous.

We're counselors, not his parents. What can
we do if he didn't choose your school?

Oxford? Please hold. I have
Seven Sisters Colleges on the other line.

Girls, I'll call you back.
I have a very important client.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- So, Marlon, welcome back.
- How'd you do on your S.A.T.'s?

- Uh, well, my score did not go up
the 20% you promised.
- Let's see.

- Well, you gained 10 in math and 10 on verbal.
- That's 20. What's the problem?

[Man] No, all kidding aside, Marlon,
you do need our help.

- Do you have a check?
- But I need some real help.

L... I have a chance
of getting into Ramsey.

Marlon, academics don't necessarily
have to be your strong point.

What you need is a hook... something for
the committee to remember you by... stand out.

- Stick to the basics. Inner-city tutoring.
- Helping old people.

- Environmental cleanup task force.
- Nuclear research.

I'm not currently involved
in anything quite as interesting as that.

For a thousand bucks, we can make
anyone's life sound interesting.

For instance, what do you do
on a typical Saturday morning?

Nothing. Really.
L-I baby-sit my stepbrother.

Ah! You say nothing...

but baby-sitting your stepbrother
is exactly the kind of mundane activity...

that you can enhance
into a business opportunity...

something that can really make you
stand out in the applicant pool.

[Children Chattering]

[Chattering]

[Crash]

[Crying]

Okay, you've got work experience taken care of.
Now you want to juxtapose an unusual activity.

Something that would wake up
a tired admissions officer at 3:00 a. M...

like the kid who
rafted down the Amazon.

A girl took up professional wrestling,
and she got into Yale.

- No, Harvard.
- [Together] Thank you very much. Good-bye.

[Both Yelling]

[Yelling Continues]

Hi, guys. I'm here
for the wrestling lessons.

[Man Chuckles]

[Cackling]

So you want to take wrestling
as an extracurricular activity, huh?

- [Cackling]
- No. Actually, I've been thinking it over...

Whoa! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[Woman Cackling]

[Screams, Groans]

[Pop]

[Man Singing]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

Girl, aren't you ever
gonna go home?

I will. I just gotta
finish up this application.

Well, don't forget
to lock up.

- Bye, Vera.
- Good night, Henry.

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Fades]

- I've gotta go.
- Do you have anything for me?

- I think this is one of yours.
- Oh, great. Marlon Browne. Good.

[Nina Laughing]

- That's great.
- Thanks a lot, Leo.

All right, Nina.
Anytime. Anywhere.

Oh, uh...

[Laughing]
Oh, no.

[Sighs] So, did Leo give
good meeting in there?

We had lunch and a very serious discussion
about Vera Cooke, if you must know.

In fact, we've penciled in another
meeting to discuss the matter further.

Bet that's not all he'd like to pencil in.
[Laughs]

[Chuckles]
I've got work to do, Kip.

But keep in mind, you have as many
opportunities as Leo to become dean.

The only difference is
you refuse to grow up.

- Well, we got Marlon Browne.
- Yes.

Whatever happened to
Jessica Kailo?

I didn't apply.

Y-You didn't apply to Ramsey?

- The deadline is tonight.
- What are you, a recruiter?

Didn't a certain Mr. Hammett
talk to you...

about being perfect
Ramsey material?

I don't want to
talk about that, Marlon.

- Mr. Hammett has a warped sense of humor.
- What are you talking about?

He's a great guy.
It's a great school.

And you still have time to get your
application in. You have until 6:00 p.m.

Marlon...

Ramsey's not the right school
for me, okay?

- So where are you going, then?
- Michigan.

Your dad's school?

You like Michigan
better than Ramsey?

Look, Marlon, you couldn't possibly
understand the decisions I've had to make.

Maybe I couldn't, but I've made
some decisions too.

- I've made some very passionate decisions.
- Like what?

How about suiciding,
for instance?

I didn't apply anywhere but Ramsey,
and I don't stand a chance.

That's great, Marlon.
That's just crazy!

You're the suicide,
and I'm the one that cracked.

What's that make us,
weird friends or something?

I'm sorry, Marlon.

You know what I found out
when I went to Ramsey?

I discovered that
I'm boring and predictable...

that I'm totally average,
so I freaked.

I freaked, Marlon.

Then you're not average.

People who are average, Jessica, they don't
mind being average. They don't freak.

Come on, Jessica.
Don't cry.

Please don't cry.

This is why I don't talk to you a lot...
because I have this lousy effect on you.

[Sighs]

It's not you.

It's not?

No.

Okay, look. I think
I have an idea.

[Marlon] A car traveling with
two future Ramsey students...

must travel from hometown "A"
to college town "B"by 6:00 p.m.

If the distance
to travel is 450 miles...

and they observe
the 55 mile per hour speed limit...

how much time can they allow
to stop for gas and snacks?

None... because
six times 55 is 330.

We won't get to Ramsey
even if we don't stop.

Then how fast
should we go?

Well, let's make it easy.
Six times 60 is 360.

Thirty minutes to spare
should be enough time.

- So, we, uh...
- We go 60, Marlon.

- Go 60.
- Got it.

[Woman Singing]

- How long did it take you to write your essay?
- I didn't write one.

- I sent in a video instead.
- Sounds so creative.

I had to do something, you know?
I spent all this...

time and money
going to these consultants.

The only helpful thing I got from them was you
have to get the attention of admissions.

They want to know who you are.
So I made this video.

That's great, Marlon.

[Singing Continues]

[Keyboard Keys Clacking]

- [Horn Honks]
- Whoa!

- A turtle! Gopher.
- A gopher or a turtle?

Yes, that's what it was.
It was a rare gopher-turtle.

- [Chuckles] Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- All right, here's my opening, all right?
- Yeah.

Okay. "I want to go
to Ramsey and be rude.

"Not because I don't like people
and not all the time...

"but if I'm walking across campus
one day contemplating Aristotle...

"I won't worry if people think I'm a snob
if I don't smile and say hi to them.

I did enough
of that in high school."

- I think it's great.
- Yeah?

- It's excellent.
- Do you want to hear the title?

"Secret Confessions
of a High School Prom Queen."

- Oh!
- Yeah? You like it? It works?

It's definitely gonna
brighten the lives...

of any admissions officer
and his children.

[Scoffs] All right.
On to paragraph two.

[Singing Continues]

[Fades]

Look. You think
you can make it?

- Yeah. I'm almost ready to print.
- What is with these trucks?

I thought these guys
were all on amphetamines.

- Just what we need.
- Oh, it's a cop.

Shit! He's doing
the speed limit.

Marlon, we can't go 55.
It'll blow the whole equation.

[Horn Honking]

- [Marlon] Great.
- Wonderful.

According to the map, a road
intersects this one in 22 miles.

If the cop takes that road,
leaving us with 32 miles left to travel...

how fast would
we have to go?

Do we wanna know the time
or distance in this problem?

Don't panic. Let's just
be logical about this.

Let's go slower.

Slower? Marlon, this is logical
on what planet?

- [Horn Honks]
- Come on. Come on. Come on.

Go for it!

- Whoo!
- [Marlon] Moron.

- [Siren Whirring]
- [Laughs]

I always knew that S.A. T. Stuff
wouldn't help much in real life.

[Horn Honks]

You asshole.

No. Why is it locked?
Is it 6:00 already?

No. It's five to 6:00.
It's not fair.

Hey, Jessica, are you the kind of girl
whose dad gave her a credit card?

Yeah,
but it's expired.

Doesn't matter, because membership
has its advantages.

Wait.
Somebody's coming.

[Door Handle Rattles]

I think he's gone.

Okay. Over here.
Over here. Okay.

I can't believe we're breaking and entering
the college we want to get into.

[Kisses]
For good luck.

[Kisses]

Well, we made it.
All we can do now is wait.

Yeah.
[Exhales]

- Marlon?
- Yes, Jessica?

I don't know. I just wanted
to say thanks for everything.

I really hope
we both get into Ramsey.

I couldn't think of a nicer guy to spend
the next four years of my life with.

Well, let's not rule out
graduate school.

- [Chuckles]
- Good night, Marlon.

Good night.

[Sighs]

[Horn Honking]

That's right,
boys and girls...

get your college paraphernalia
while it's hot.

It's okay, Mom.
Just describe the envelope to me.

Well, is it fat or what?

Just tell me, Mom.
Is it fat or skinny?

Mom, just tell me.
Is the envelope big or small?

Mom, God!
Just...

I got accepted into Michigan.
So big deal, right?

I wouldn't care at all,
except for Kelly.

She was rejected by
six schools already.

[Sobs]
Seven schools!

That's why I recommend suiciding.
You can only get rejected once.

This waiting around here for Ramsey's
killing me. I wish I could have Amy's cool.

Just talk to me, goddamn it!
Is it fat or what?

Fat or skinny?
[Screams] I'll kill her!

Here's an interesting case.
Vera Cooke.

She is, as far as I know...

the most underprivileged youngster
that we have this year.

She's got, uh... Oh, thanks, Leo.
She's got decent grades.

Her father
is out of the picture.

No, her father's dead.
She wrote about him in her essay.

Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, and it says here...

"Her energy and struggle to obtain
her dreams has produced an individual...

"both tough and sweet.

She's a woman and a girl
to reckon with and to love."

[Scoffs] Geez! Who writes this crap?
Lionel Richie?

- I wrote it.
- You know, I met him once.

- He's a lovely man if you meet him in person.
- This is Vera Cooke.

- We discussed her, remember?
- Oh, yeah.

I recruited Vera, and I strongly
recommend her to this committee.

- How are her college boards?
- Well, she's 410 verbal, 470 math.

The point is that's not the kind of question
we need to be asking about a person like Vera.

- What is the right question?
- Whether we, as a group,
are willing to take a chance.

This is a case in which Ramsey
can make a difference, one that...

could actually change
someone's life.

We all agree
with Nina, right?

During the break, I talked to Leo.
He brought up an interesting point.

Whose interests
are we serving here?

Ramsey is a very
competitive environment.

We need minority students,
but at the expense of this girl?

I don't see that we're really
that desperate to fill our quota.

Forget the quota.
Forget she's black.

Good. My vote can't be won
on the basis of color.

So what does that leave us with
as far as Vera Cooke is concerned...

- aside from the dismal numbers?
- Everything that's not a number.

What's the commitment
to deserving students in this room?

Oh, please. I mean, we've got
top-notch minority applicants from...

- Andover, uh, Phillips Exeter...
- Oh, this is completely outrageous, Leo.

You know exactly how I feel
about giving this girl a chance.

I think we all want
a reasonable solution. Leo?

Well, I have no objections to the wait list.
Sally, how do you feel about that?

The w... The wait list? That's like
falling into bureaucratic limbo.

Nobody ever gets in here
on the wait list.

Can we, uh, move on, please?

Oh, my God.

It's from Ramsey.

Oh, it is.

Somebody's gotta open it.

I'll do it.

[Crying]

I'm so happy for you.
[Sobbing]

You did it!
You got into Ramsey.

- You did it.
- But what about Marlon Browne?

[Laughs]
Sixty, 70, 80, 90...

You look like a guy
who's obviously gonna make it.

I'd better. I paid
a thousand bucks to Bauer-Benedek.

They said stuff like this
would look great on my application.

Did you hear
anything yet?

Hey, cheer up.
Have a bumper sticker on me.

- [Laughs]
- [Horn Honks]

Come on, Ramsey.
What's going on?

Now, I know this kid
seems hopeless on paper...

but you gotta
see this tape.

Now, I met him, and I think
he's really got somethin'.

Oh, yeah? Better be
a union card.

I don't know, Bob.

Do we really have time
for this kind of tomfoolery?

[Bob] Well, we are running late,
and tomorrow is the last day of admissions.

There are just so many openings left. I don't
think this boy's folder warrants the time.

We used to have time
for all types of kids.

- I'd like to see the tape.
- You could give Flutter the tape.

I'm not gonna look at it.
Besides, we gave you the Kailo girl.

- Remember?
- No, Leo, you didn't give me anything.

I mean, we're supposed to find
interesting students.

Now, I think Marlon Browne
is one of them.

Take another look
at Mr. Video's numbers.

I don't know, Bob. I've gotta give this kid
two thumbs down on the Ramsey scale.

Dean, I think it's a tragedy if we're saying
that the era of the still-searching...

doesn't-know-exactly-
what-to-do-with-his-life kid
is over here at Ramsey.

Yeah, well, it's canceled, all right,
due to poor ratings.

- Do you understand, Hammett?
- Yeah, I get it, Leo.

You got a new program...
Leo, Dean of Admissions.

You know, I think
I'd watch that show.

Well, I'm not gonna watch it
because with Leo, Dean of Admissions...

calling the shots around here,
myjob description sucks.

I don't wanna stay around here
and watch you ruin a place I love.

So, Nina, looks like your lunch
schedule's opening wide up.

Screw you, Leo.
Excuse me.

[Door Closes]

[Door Opens, Closes]

Will you show me
Marlon's tape?

Yeah. Sure.

- Come on in.
- [Chuckles]

Hi. I'm Marlon Browne,
and you wouldn't believe...

all the stuff I did
trying to get into college.

Looking back, the juggling
seems really pathetic.

I know it was a creative activity
to put on my application and all...

but I can't believe tossing
flaming sticks in the air...

is gonna qualify me as
an interesting guy to have on campus.

- [Stick Falls, Rattles]
- I felt I had to do something unusual...

- [Cackles]
- [Marlon] But intramural, professional wrestling...

was never a workable idea.

[Yells, Grunts]

- [Laughing]
- [Yelling Continues]

[Marlon Narrating] I was desperate.
Everywhere I went, people told me...

how competitive it is to get
into college these days.

Here's some advice,
Marlon.

- Hope for a miracle.
- That'll be $100.

[Marlon Narrating] I came face to face
with the truth after my business failed.

I got it, you guys.
Come on. Let's go!

Grow up, Marlon.

"Grow up."
That really got to me.

It's something people tell me a lot.
And what am I supposed to answer?

I'm growing
as fast as I can?

Which brings me
to the point of my story.

- Time to mature is what I need. Right, Willie?
- Right.

Marlon's a great kid,
really.

He just... He needs a little time
to develop, like a fine wine.

If you give me a chance,
I will be the most...

enthusiastic, open-minded
student you have ever seen at Ramsey.

- We could really use the room.
- [Laughs]

Come on, Marlon.
Time for your next lesson.

Well, gotta go.

Please, consider me for Ramsey.
I won't let you down.

- Leo's a pig.
- [Chuckles]

Leo is six pigs.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, God, I think I just got an idea.

[Dog Barking, Growling]

You. You're the mailman.

Yeah.

Who's it for?

[Barking, Growling Continues]

- Are you Marlon Browne?
- Yes.

- It's for you.
- Where's it from?

- Pennsylvania.
- Pennsylvania.

Ramsey, Pennsylvania.
Would you do me a favor and open it?

I can't look.
L-I'm too nervous.

I'd love to.

- Marlon Browne?
- Yes.

Congratulations.

I did it? I got into Ramsey?
It's from Ramsey?

No. It's from Ed McMahon.

You may have already
won $ 10 million.

I get the feeling we could double our
endowment if we get a stronger student body...

Leo, I believe this folder
escaped your attention.

Thank you, Sally.

Well, look who
just walked in.

Mr. Grumpy decide
to finish his tenure?

- Good to have you back, Kip.
- Last chance to admit the reject du jour, Kip.

No, no.
That's your department, Leo.

Au contraire, Kipster.

It's the likes of Leonard Edward Funt
that catch my eye.

Listen to these numbers...
800 verbal, 760 math...

4.0 G.P.A.

Second-ranked
in his class.

I wonder which sophomoric admissions officer
kept this kid a secret. Kip?

Leo, let me see that. I don't remember
hearing about this folder.

- Who were the readers?
- I was.

- [Chuckles] That figures.
- Oh, you too, Leo.

Me and Flutter?

- [Bob] Mm-hmm.
- Let me see that folder.

Excuse me, Leo.

Good Lord, Leo,
your comments are right here.

"Leonard Edward Funt
is a first-rate specimen.

- Don't let him slip away."
- [Leo] And I meant it.

I mean, just looking at
those numbers makes my mouth water.

I say we send a limo
unless Kip has an argument.

- What the hell.
- Thank you, Kip.

Now, as the new dean, I'm gonna
be making just a few changes.

First of all, I'll be getting
a new paint job for the old Beemer.

So I'm gonna need
two parking spaces.

I might have to bump you
to the custodial parking lot. You mind?

Okay, Leo.
Anything you say.

I'm beginning
to like you, Flutter.

Maybe I won't move your office
down to the basement.

Leo...

Uh, Mr. Funt has arrived, and Kip
thought you might wanna say hello.

Leonard Edward Funt,
the new pride of Ramsey?

Now we're gonna see the kind of student
we should be admitting to Ramsey.

Now, Dean, I'm sure
you'll enjoy meeting...

the kind of students
we should be admitting here at Ramsey.

Students which I, as your successor,
would be very proud...

to provide
for these hallowed halls.

Leonard E. Funt
is one of my personal prides.

- Leonard.
- [Flutter Chuckling]

What is this thing?

It's not a thing, Leo.
It's a pachyderm.

L.E. Funt.

The new pride of Ramsey.
[Chuckles]

Leonard... Edward.
"El-ee-funt."

Bob, please. You've got
to agree with me...

that this prank is not
gonna look good on Hammett's record.

What are you talking about?
I quit, remember?

After fighting a losing battle
to admit a few good human beings.

What's this?

This is a filthy beast and a stupid prank,
compliments of Kip Hammett.

- Oh, and me.
- Don't tell me this is Leonard Edward Funt.

Yes, it is, Chancellor.

- Joanna.
- [Sally Chuckles]

He's got the perfect numbers. If these
standards had been used when I applied...

you never
would have admitted me.

And I think Ramsey and I
were a perfect match.

So do I.

That's all we wanted to say.
So good luck.

- See you later.
- Wait!

Maybe we've gone overboard, Leo.
Yes. I think they're right.

What do you suggest
we do about this, Kip?

Well, uh, we do have
a couple of suggestions.

What about Leonard?
Is he going to Ramsey?

Flutter, with Leonard's numbers,
he's got his heart set on Harvard.

[Laughing]

- [Laughs]
- [Growls]

[Laughs]

Here, Leo. Have a happy future.
[Laughs]

- [Lapping Water]
- [Squealing]

So, Leonard...

Harvard, huh?

Harvard, huh?

[Man Vocalizing]

Thank you.
Have a nice day. Come again.

It's from Ramsey.

I'm too scared, Ma.
You open it.

[Vocalizing Continues]

[Man Singing]

You did it, baby.

I did it?

I got in?

- I got into college!
- [Cheering]

[Singing Continues]

It's from Ramsey.

- I got accepted.
- I got rejected.

- Bummer.
- What's yours say?

It says, "Dear Laurie...

"congratulations on your acceptance
at Ramsey College...

and we look forward
to your... violin playing."

You play the oboe.
I play the violin.

[Together]
Shit.

Look, hon,
it's from Ramsey.

Another wait list.
Shall we file it with the rest?

Your mother and I
are making a fire.

[Sobbing]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

What happened?

I got into Ramsey.

Congratulations.

You're going through with it, huh?
You're leaving?

I'll send you
postcards, Browne.

I got a lot of miles to cover,
and it all starts with the first step.

- Don't forget me.
- Not in a million years.

[Singing Continues]

[Woman Giggling]

So, which direction
are you headed?

We're traveling the world
with unclaimed game show prizes.

Oh, Bob, can we
take him with us? Please, Bob?

- Please!
- Please, Bob. Take me with you.

- Oh, what the heck. Hop in, kid.
- [Giggles]

[Vocalizing]

- Here he comes now.
- Ronny! Ronny!

I would just like to say we are so proud
to be signing here at Ramsey College.

- I mean, we're just thrilled...
- Yo, chill, baby.

Football is a great game...

but it's only a game.

I think it was Plato
who said it best when he said...

"The unexamined life
is not worth living."

I'm grateful to the Ramsey football staff
for its support...

but I've decided
to dedicate my time here...

to more...
intellectual pursuits.

Thank you.

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Sobbing]

Nice office.

Was it always this big?

Did it always have
this many windows?

You're so impressed
with the trappings of power.

I'm so impressed
with powerful men.

- Yeah.
- Did it always have the leather couch?

[Chuckles]

[Vocalizing]

[Fades]

[Laughs]

Two men, "A" and "B",
are trapped inside my mailbox...

chained to 200,000 pounds
of explosives.

This isn't funny,
Marlon!

Come on, man.
What test is this?

- Cut it out, Marlon!
- If the chains are three inches thick...

and they have 30 seconds to escape,
sawing at one inch per second...

what are their
chances of survival?

Go on to the next question,
Marlon! Go on! Skip it!

Come on, man! Get us out of here!
Answer the question!

Who cares? I already
got into college. [Chuckles]

Hey, who do you think
you're kidding?

[Screams]
We're gonna die.!

["B"] We're not gonna die.
Marlon wouldn't kill us.

["A"] What are you talking about?
We're in a mailbox.!

["B"] Come on, Marlon.
Let us out.!

You made it.

Great. You made it.
[Chuckles]

["A"] There's always
graduate school.!

[Man Singing]

[Fades]