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1
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♪♪
2
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Just eating butter like a popsicle,
huh, Boyle?
3
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Yeah, I know,
I'm spoiling myself,
4
00:00:07,448 --> 00:00:09,444
but I'm depressed.
Or have you forgotten
5
00:00:09,502 --> 00:00:11,531
that Jake, my best friend,
is in prison?
6
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- Wait, Jake's in prison?
- Yeah!
7
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He and Rosa were framed for
a bunch of bank robberies
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00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,437
by Lieutenant Hawkins.
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Oh, right.
And where's Gina?
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On maternity leave!
We were all at her baby shower
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- last week.
- Okay.
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00:00:22,687 --> 00:00:23,859
And why am I bleeding?
13
00:00:23,917 --> 00:00:25,273
I don't know, Hitchcock.
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Oh,
so you don't have all the answers.
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I'm bleeding because my
piece-of-crap
16
00:00:29,136 --> 00:00:30,386
son-in-law bit me.
17
00:00:30,444 --> 00:00:31,730
Look, we all miss Jake and
Rosa,
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00:00:31,788 --> 00:00:33,600
which is why we have to
keep working the case.
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00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,350
There has to be some
way to exonerate them.
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I've been looking, but
I can't find anything
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- and I don't know what to do.
- "I can't find anything
22
00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:40,819
and I don't know what to do":
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- title of your sex tape.
- What is happening
24
00:00:43,607 --> 00:00:44,979
- right now?!
- They caught Hawkins
25
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trying to flee the country.
26
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She confessed to everything,
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- and they let me out.
- Oh, my God,
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Jake, is it really you?
Are you really here?
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You know it, baby.
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But first... I gotta
hug my best friend.
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- Yeah.
- What?
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Welcome back, Peralta.
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I just heard from the mayor.
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To apologize for what
happened to you,
35
00:01:00,166 --> 00:01:01,333
they're sending you to Disney World.
36
00:01:01,367 --> 00:01:03,802
You and one male guest.
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00:01:03,837 --> 00:01:06,205
As long as I don't have to go
on any of the scary rides.
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00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:08,774
- I'd just go for the shows.
- Yeah!
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00:01:08,831 --> 00:01:11,176
Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!
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Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!
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00:01:13,269 --> 00:01:14,490
Boyle!
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00:01:14,547 --> 00:01:15,881
Were you dreaming about
Jake again?
43
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Why did you wake me up?!
44
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I told you never to wake me up!
45
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*BROOKLYN NINE-NINE*
Season 05 Episode 01
Title: "The Big House - Part I"
46
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♪♪
47
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♪♪ WESTERN GUITAR CHORDS...
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♪♪
49
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:46,245
Wake up!
Rise and shine!
50
00:01:48,882 --> 00:01:51,250
Good morning, Caleb.
51
00:01:51,323 --> 00:01:53,362
You woke up happy for once.
52
00:01:53,419 --> 00:01:56,199
You're damn right I did.
It's visiting day.
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♪♪ UPBEAT WHISTLING MUSIC...
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It's visiting day!
55
00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:01,862
Happy visiting day.
56
00:02:01,971 --> 00:02:03,539
Happy visiting day, Tommy.
You excited
57
00:02:03,596 --> 00:02:05,831
for the family to come?
Tino, is Maria on her way?
58
00:02:05,888 --> 00:02:08,296
Miguel, happy visiting day...
59
00:02:08,354 --> 00:02:10,773
And he hung himself.
Oh, my God.
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00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,510
Guard! Guard!
61
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- Hi, hey.
- Hi.
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00:02:14,463 --> 00:02:17,213
Oh, man, three weeks is
way too long
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- between visits.
- I know, I'm so sorry.
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00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,516
It's been so hard to get down
to South Carolina between
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00:02:21,573 --> 00:02:23,548
work and spending every
free minute on your case.
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00:02:23,605 --> 00:02:25,164
All right,
that's enough touching.
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You used all
the touching time, Amy.
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00:02:27,009 --> 00:02:28,553
I get 100% of the
goodbye touching time.
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00:02:28,610 --> 00:02:30,499
- 100%.
- So, Charles, I gotta ask:
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00:02:30,557 --> 00:02:32,795
- what's going on with your hair?
- Well, it turned white
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from the stress, but I
didn't want you to worry,
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00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,638
so I dyed it back to my
normal color
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00:02:36,696 --> 00:02:39,524
with a splash of Batali.
Do you like it?
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00:02:40,281 --> 00:02:42,177
So, how's my case going?
Have you found anything
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00:02:42,235 --> 00:02:43,717
on Hawkins? I've been
working it in here.
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You know, when no one's watching.
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In my cell. At night. In the dark.
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00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:48,107
I guess I've been mostly
thinking about it.
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We're tracking her 24/7.
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00:02:49,676 --> 00:02:51,934
You know, watching her men,
combing her old files,
81
00:02:51,992 --> 00:02:53,701
but she's done a great job
at covering her tracks.
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We will find something, babe.
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I swear.
Don't give up hope, okay?
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00:02:57,422 --> 00:02:58,849
How are they treating you?
Are you safe?
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Yeah,
I'm in protective custody
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because everyone in gen
pop hates cops.
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I'm not really sure why.
Something about us
88
00:03:03,656 --> 00:03:04,634
locking them in cages
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and letting the world pass them by.
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00:03:06,203 --> 00:03:07,703
So, it sounds
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00:03:07,761 --> 00:03:09,739
like you're isolated and
haven't had any chance
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- to make new friends.
- Well, my cellmate,
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00:03:11,431 --> 00:03:13,473
- Caleb, is okay.
- Just remember he's in prison.
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No matter how small the
crime, people don't change
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and don't deserve
second chances.
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00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:19,458
Charles, relax.
I'm not gonna replace you.
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Trust me,
all I've been thinking about
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00:03:20,673 --> 00:03:22,007
is when you guys are
gonna get down here.
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00:03:22,064 --> 00:03:24,420
And now you are, and
we can finally talk.
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00:03:24,477 --> 00:03:25,911
There's an incident
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in the yard.
We're going into lockdown.
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- Inmates, line up.
- No.
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00:03:29,406 --> 00:03:30,726
No, no, no, no, no.
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I have 50 more minutes.
I need this.
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- Back to your cells right now.
- No!
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My touching time.
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♪♪
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Sarge, Captain. Oh, you
guys brought Hitchcock.
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Uh, no, we just bumped
into him in the lobby.
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- We don't know why he's here.
- Jenny, baby!
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I love what prison's
doing to your figure.
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Okay. So, how's prison?
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Nobody likes cops in here, so
I had to earn their respect
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by starting a bunch of riots.
Got thrown in solitary
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00:04:00,235 --> 00:04:01,958
for a week. What's going
on with your face?
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00:04:02,188 --> 00:04:04,625
I hate seeing you like this,
so I'm flexing my eyes
117
00:04:04,688 --> 00:04:06,235
real hard to keep from crying.
118
00:04:06,293 --> 00:04:08,797
It's okay, we can still
have a normal conversation.
119
00:04:08,855 --> 00:04:10,722
So... how's the food?
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Pay no attention to him, Rosa.
He's very emotional, Rosa.
121
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:15,454
Why are you saying my
first name?
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00:04:15,511 --> 00:04:18,286
Well, Rosa, I read an article
in a medical journal
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00:04:18,344 --> 00:04:20,247
that said one destabilizing aspect
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of incarceration is the
constant dehumanization,
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00:04:23,352 --> 00:04:24,880
Rosa. You need to be reminded
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that you're more than
just a number, Rosa.
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You are Rosa... Rosa.
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00:04:29,488 --> 00:04:31,778
- Yup, that fixes prison.
- Is there anything we can do
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00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,552
to help you?
Anything you need done
130
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- on the outside?
- No, I'm good.
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- It's not a problem.
- Rosa.
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00:04:36,594 --> 00:04:37,825
- We're here for you.
- Rosa.
133
00:04:37,883 --> 00:04:40,508
- Whatever you need.
- Rosa.
134
00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:44,559
Okay, I'll come up with a list.
135
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,703
The alarm went off before
we could even talk.
136
00:04:46,789 --> 00:04:48,473
Aw, that's too bad, bud.
137
00:04:48,531 --> 00:04:49,912
But at least you have
people that wanna come
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and visit you.
My family hasn't been
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00:04:52,027 --> 00:04:54,434
to see my since my trial.
You eat nine people
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00:04:54,492 --> 00:04:55,630
and all of the sudden they "don't know
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00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:57,336
who you are anymore."
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00:04:57,461 --> 00:04:59,715
Wait... what?
143
00:05:00,007 --> 00:05:03,176
Did you say "eat people"?
Are you a cannibal, Caleb?
144
00:05:03,234 --> 00:05:05,488
Well, that's not how I
would define myself.
145
00:05:05,545 --> 00:05:07,364
If we're going by what I'm
most passionate about,
146
00:05:07,421 --> 00:05:08,934
I would say that I'm a woodworker.
147
00:05:08,992 --> 00:05:10,885
Why did you think I was
in protective custody?
148
00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:12,943
I don't know, I guess I
hoped you were another cop
149
00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:14,519
wrongly convicted of
crimes you didn't commit.
150
00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:16,832
Nope,
I did all my stuff and more.
151
00:05:16,936 --> 00:05:18,721
There's tons they can't
even trace to me.
152
00:05:18,779 --> 00:05:20,139
The secret is eating the
evidence.
153
00:05:20,197 --> 00:05:23,167
Okay, this is just great.
I don't see anyone
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00:05:23,225 --> 00:05:24,504
from the outside for
another three weeks
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00:05:24,561 --> 00:05:26,096
and my only friend here
is a cannibal.
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00:05:26,154 --> 00:05:28,229
Woodworker.
Look, if you really wanna
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00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,288
talk to people on the outside,
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- just get a cell phone.
- Yeah, that'd be great,
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00:05:31,093 --> 00:05:32,546
- but it's illegal, right?
- There's this guy
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00:05:32,603 --> 00:05:34,940
in gen pop... Romero.
He can smuggle anything
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00:05:34,998 --> 00:05:37,620
into this place: phones, drugs,
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00:05:37,678 --> 00:05:39,706
- big bag of hair.
- Why would you want that?
163
00:05:39,764 --> 00:05:41,023
You know what?
Don't tell me.
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00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,447
The less I know about you, the better.
165
00:05:42,504 --> 00:05:44,557
Okay,
let's find this Romero guy.
166
00:05:44,615 --> 00:05:46,174
Right now?
I really wanna chomp down
167
00:05:46,232 --> 00:05:48,120
- on this meat.
- Caleb...
168
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This is scary.
169
00:05:50,107 --> 00:05:51,721
I don't like being so near gen pop.
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00:05:51,779 --> 00:05:53,287
It's fine.
It's not like they're
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00:05:53,345 --> 00:05:55,009
all waiting for an
opportunity to kill us.
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00:05:55,094 --> 00:05:56,862
I'm sure some of them
are actually nice,
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00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,441
like this gentle giant here.
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00:05:58,498 --> 00:06:00,220
Hello, sir, what brings
you to the fence today?
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00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,396
Just here to stab you
if you get too close.
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00:06:04,002 --> 00:06:05,484
Neat. Caleb, remind me
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00:06:05,542 --> 00:06:06,447
not to stand too close to
the fence.
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00:06:06,505 --> 00:06:08,894
Will do. Oh, here's Romero.
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00:06:09,253 --> 00:06:10,983
So, what's up? You need
another bag of hair?
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00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:12,221
- Yeah.
- No.
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00:06:12,452 --> 00:06:14,123
We'll talk later.
Same order, though.
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00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:15,580
I hear you're the man
to talk to
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00:06:15,637 --> 00:06:17,516
- about getting a cell phone.
- I am.
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00:06:17,573 --> 00:06:19,595
But it'll cost you.
Phone's 100.
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00:06:19,652 --> 00:06:22,123
- $100? That's no problem.
- I got no use
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00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,633
for cash. I want 100 soups.
187
00:06:24,690 --> 00:06:25,968
- Soups?
- Yeah, ramen.
188
00:06:26,025 --> 00:06:27,459
They're like a major currency in here.
189
00:06:27,516 --> 00:06:28,793
Really? That is very surprising.
190
00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:30,095
You can't smoke anymore,
191
00:06:30,152 --> 00:06:31,974
so ramen has replaced cigarettes.
192
00:06:32,031 --> 00:06:34,123
- NPR did a big thing on it.
- I thought they sold ramen
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00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:36,668
- at the prison commissary.
- I don't want commissary soups,
194
00:06:36,726 --> 00:06:38,529
- you stupid little bitch boy.
- Okay, that's fair.
195
00:06:38,586 --> 00:06:39,712
- I deserve that.
- I want flavors
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00:06:39,769 --> 00:06:41,129
you can only get on the outside...
197
00:06:41,281 --> 00:06:43,345
Chili-lime shrimp,
southwestern chicken...
198
00:06:43,641 --> 00:06:45,773
- Street flavors.
- Picante beef.
199
00:06:45,831 --> 00:06:47,648
Oh, that's my favorite.
200
00:06:47,945 --> 00:06:51,226
Get me picante beef,
bitch boy.
201
00:06:53,078 --> 00:06:54,914
Okay, so I just get some ramen
202
00:06:54,992 --> 00:06:57,655
and then I get a cell phone.
Prison is easy.
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00:06:58,902 --> 00:07:00,153
You stood too close
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00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,082
- to the fence.
- Yeah, I know, Caleb!
205
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:03,445
♪♪
206
00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:05,817
Captain,
Diaz sent us a list of favors
207
00:07:05,875 --> 00:07:07,921
she needs us to do for her.
She didn't hold back.
208
00:07:08,054 --> 00:07:10,320
First, she wants us to
move all her furniture
209
00:07:10,398 --> 00:07:11,453
- into storage.
- Okay.
210
00:07:11,511 --> 00:07:13,184
- Then file her taxes for her.
- Really?
211
00:07:13,242 --> 00:07:15,540
And then she wants us
to type up and email
212
00:07:15,597 --> 00:07:18,481
these letters to Pimento
in Argentina.
213
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,129
- Are they sexual in nature?
- Crazy sexual.
214
00:07:21,187 --> 00:07:23,125
But we can't say no. She's behind bars
215
00:07:23,182 --> 00:07:25,684
- and we made a promise.
- Right. You're right.
216
00:07:25,741 --> 00:07:28,497
Oh, also, she's worried
about her motorcycle
217
00:07:28,554 --> 00:07:30,373
sitting idle, so she
wants us to take it out
218
00:07:30,431 --> 00:07:32,134
once a day. Here.
219
00:07:32,337 --> 00:07:34,637
I think you should do this.
You're more the biker type.
220
00:07:34,694 --> 00:07:36,482
I've seen you use a
toothpick in public.
221
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,419
Motorcycles are death machines.
222
00:07:38,477 --> 00:07:40,568
I have three kids.
I'm not risking it.
223
00:07:40,921 --> 00:07:42,529
Are you saying my life matters less
224
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,720
because I don't conform
225
00:07:43,778 --> 00:07:46,951
to society's heteronormative,
child-centric ideals?
226
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:49,173
Are you really playing
the gay card right now?
227
00:07:49,231 --> 00:07:50,876
Yas, queen.
228
00:07:52,418 --> 00:07:53,729
Thanks for coming down again.
229
00:07:53,836 --> 00:07:55,437
- What's going on at work?
- Not much.
230
00:07:55,495 --> 00:07:57,640
I'm investigating a
big-time money launderer.
231
00:07:57,806 --> 00:08:00,919
Moves tons of cash...
under the table.
232
00:08:00,976 --> 00:08:03,666
♪♪ UPBEAT MUSIC...
233
00:08:03,723 --> 00:08:05,974
It was stressful, because
the brass got involved,
234
00:08:06,032 --> 00:08:08,341
so there were a lot of
eyes on the operation.
235
00:08:08,399 --> 00:08:10,573
♪♪
236
00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:12,233
But in the end,
they gave us room to work.
237
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:16,568
Well, sounds like it was a
very successful operation.
238
00:08:16,625 --> 00:08:20,171
♪♪
239
00:08:20,406 --> 00:08:22,467
Here you go, bro.
240
00:08:23,249 --> 00:08:26,834
- 105 picante beef.
- Great.
241
00:08:27,186 --> 00:08:28,691
I'll keep five packs for myself.
242
00:08:28,749 --> 00:08:30,382
What do you want me
to do with the rest?
243
00:08:30,439 --> 00:08:32,617
Thanks for the soups.
Here's your cell phone.
244
00:08:32,674 --> 00:08:34,363
Thank you.
And by the way,
245
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:36,364
as someone who's eaten a
lot of ramen in his life,
246
00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:38,225
here's a tip: leave a
few noodles uncooked
247
00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:41,382
and then sprinkle them on top
afterwards like a garnish.
248
00:08:42,795 --> 00:08:45,186
Gives you an extra
little fun bonus crunch.
249
00:08:45,313 --> 00:08:46,538
Ha-ha!
250
00:08:46,663 --> 00:08:48,202
Saw you coming that time.
251
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,482
Like who's got prison all figured...
252
00:08:50,958 --> 00:08:52,139
He threw the shiv.
253
00:08:52,311 --> 00:08:53,647
You can't do that!
254
00:08:53,887 --> 00:08:55,974
I can't believe
I'm hearing your voice.
255
00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:57,820
I know. It's so amazing.
256
00:08:57,877 --> 00:08:59,622
And now every day can
be like visiting day,
257
00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:01,336
and we can just talk about
whatever, whenever...
258
00:09:01,393 --> 00:09:03,538
Jake, Jake, Jake,
Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake.
259
00:09:03,616 --> 00:09:05,366
- I gotta go.
- Jake?
260
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:07,229
Hey, warden. What's up?
261
00:09:07,286 --> 00:09:08,842
What the hell are these?
I found them
262
00:09:08,907 --> 00:09:11,197
- doing a sweep of your bunks.
- Oh, uh...
263
00:09:11,324 --> 00:09:13,613
- we got those at the commissary.
- Picante beef.
264
00:09:13,671 --> 00:09:14,655
You think I don't know
265
00:09:14,713 --> 00:09:16,620
that picante beef is a street flavor?
266
00:09:16,678 --> 00:09:18,449
I was being kind to you
by putting you two
267
00:09:18,507 --> 00:09:20,004
in protective custody,
but if you're gonna
268
00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:23,053
bring contraband into my
prison and flaunt my rules,
269
00:09:23,139 --> 00:09:24,460
pack your bags.
270
00:09:24,561 --> 00:09:26,249
- You're going to gen pop.
- Gen pop?
271
00:09:26,335 --> 00:09:28,059
But my tough prison beard
hasn't fully grown in yet.
272
00:09:28,116 --> 00:09:29,671
Just give me six or seven more years.
273
00:09:33,732 --> 00:09:35,463
I can't believe we're going
to gen pop.
274
00:09:35,521 --> 00:09:37,518
A cop and a cannibal?
275
00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:39,907
Everybody's gonna be trying to kill us.
276
00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:41,634
I know. What are we gonna do?
277
00:09:41,692 --> 00:09:43,533
You're a psychopath.
You can protect us in there,
278
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:44,598
right? I mean, you killed and ate
279
00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:46,496
- a bunch of people.
- They were children, Jake.
280
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:49,141
Weak little children.
One conk on the head
281
00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:50,844
- was all it took.
- Damn it.
282
00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:53,597
I can't believe I'm friends
with a cowardly cannibal.
283
00:09:53,745 --> 00:09:55,890
Here she comes. Big smiles.
284
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,753
- Hey, Rosa.
- Hey. How's my bike?
285
00:09:59,810 --> 00:10:01,625
Great. It actually was a lot of fun
286
00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:03,379
to ride...
once I got the hang of it.
287
00:10:07,277 --> 00:10:09,250
And you were able to finish
everything on my list?
288
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,720
It wasn't too much, was it?
289
00:10:10,933 --> 00:10:12,466
- No.
- Not at all.
290
00:10:12,581 --> 00:10:14,785
If anything, you didn't
ask enough of us.
291
00:10:14,842 --> 00:10:17,371
Great, 'cause I thought
of a few more things.
292
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,640
Oh, were you able to send
that email to Adrian?
293
00:10:19,697 --> 00:10:21,258
Oh, yes, he wrote back right away.
294
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:22,866
It wasn't as graphic as
I feared.
295
00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:25,407
He wrote the number eight...
296
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,805
equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, equal sign,
297
00:10:28,993 --> 00:10:33,259
equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, capital D...
298
00:10:34,610 --> 00:10:36,490
oh. I see what this is.
299
00:10:36,547 --> 00:10:37,707
- This is a...
- Yup.
300
00:10:38,488 --> 00:10:39,649
Cream turkey.
301
00:10:39,783 --> 00:10:41,684
You know, what I could
really go for is...
302
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:43,820
- People potpie?
- First of all, Jake,
303
00:10:43,907 --> 00:10:45,833
great alliteration.
Second of all,
304
00:10:45,890 --> 00:10:47,557
just because I was
arrested for cannibalism
305
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,813
doesn't mean that all I
like to eat is people.
306
00:10:49,871 --> 00:10:51,991
I was gonna say "a chicken burrito."
307
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:56,295
- Man, my cousin was so tasty.
- Oh, come on.
308
00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,378
Oop... hello.
309
00:10:58,538 --> 00:11:00,403
You're gonna die in here, cop.
310
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,016
♪♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC...
311
00:11:03,073 --> 00:11:05,350
- What's up, Caleb?
- 'Sup, Chico?
312
00:11:05,944 --> 00:11:08,308
It's so crazy.
They hate you so much,
313
00:11:08,366 --> 00:11:12,131
- they don't even care about me.
- Yeah, congratulations.
314
00:11:12,449 --> 00:11:14,184
I think I'm gonna need to
join a gang.
315
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,561
And that way I'll have protection
316
00:11:15,619 --> 00:11:17,512
- and no one will mess with me.
- I don't know, man.
317
00:11:17,569 --> 00:11:19,769
- Joining a gang is not that easy.
- It would be for me.
318
00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:22,439
I once took a seminar on
how to ace job interviews,
319
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,727
- and I'm really good at them.
- Really?
320
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:27,708
- This I've gotta see.
- Hey, everyone, I'm Jake.
321
00:11:27,827 --> 00:11:29,959
Thank you so much for
sitting down with me.
322
00:11:30,045 --> 00:11:31,257
I just need a moment of your time,
323
00:11:31,314 --> 00:11:33,348
and then you can get back
to watching your stories.
324
00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:34,963
What can I tell you about myself?
325
00:11:35,075 --> 00:11:37,663
Well, I'm hardworking,
incredibly motivated.
326
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:39,887
I can make a shiv out of anything.
327
00:11:39,944 --> 00:11:42,579
I am deceptively athletic.
I'm not sure if your gang likes
328
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,206
to play B-ball out in the
yard, but I can dunk.
329
00:11:45,264 --> 00:11:46,467
Oakley...
330
00:11:46,684 --> 00:11:49,295
And I'm just super excited to join...
331
00:11:49,514 --> 00:11:51,819
- What are you guys called again?
- ISIS.
332
00:11:52,523 --> 00:11:53,790
ISIS...
333
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:55,075
cool.
334
00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:57,311
Well, I am excited to join...
335
00:11:57,737 --> 00:11:59,349
ISIS.
336
00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:02,389
I can't believe I went 0 for 16.
337
00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:04,767
I got rejected by my safety gang.
338
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:06,264
I'm gonna die in here.
339
00:12:06,322 --> 00:12:07,842
Well, there is one more option,
340
00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:10,045
but it's a long shot.
Remember that guy Romero
341
00:12:10,155 --> 00:12:12,008
who you got the cell phone from?
If you got in good
342
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,459
with his crew, nobody
would dare touch you.
343
00:12:14,643 --> 00:12:16,899
But he is real scary and crazy.
344
00:12:16,981 --> 00:12:19,342
Okay, and how anti-Semitic is he?
345
00:12:20,718 --> 00:12:22,803
- Average?
- Then let's give it a shot!
346
00:12:23,163 --> 00:12:26,198
So, Picante Beef,
I hear you wanna be
347
00:12:26,256 --> 00:12:28,339
- part of my crew.
- Not ideally the nickname
348
00:12:28,397 --> 00:12:29,848
I would've chosen for myself, but yes,
349
00:12:29,905 --> 00:12:31,039
I think I could be of help to you.
350
00:12:31,096 --> 00:12:33,141
Do you know how long I've
been in this prison?
351
00:12:33,506 --> 00:12:36,233
17 years!
352
00:12:36,446 --> 00:12:38,261
- Well, you look great.
- And not once,
353
00:12:38,319 --> 00:12:40,972
- in all of that time, Beefy...
- It's just "Beefy" now?
354
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:44,116
Have I ever seen anything
as disrespectful
355
00:12:44,202 --> 00:12:47,487
as a cop coming into my prison
356
00:12:47,544 --> 00:12:50,186
telling me how to eat my soups!
357
00:12:51,733 --> 00:12:53,491
But damn!
358
00:12:53,696 --> 00:12:56,762
Crumbling the noodle on
top gives it an extra
359
00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:58,342
little crispity-snap!
360
00:12:58,491 --> 00:13:00,233
I was blown away.
Wasn't I, Tank?
361
00:13:00,373 --> 00:13:02,069
Hasn't stopped talking about it.
362
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:04,268
Come here, Beef Baby!
363
00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:08,712
Great. So, does this mean
364
00:13:08,832 --> 00:13:11,534
- that I'm part of the crew?
- Nobody can touch you now.
365
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,780
Wow, guess all it took
was the ramen tip.
366
00:13:13,837 --> 00:13:15,238
Actually, you gotta do
one more thing for me
367
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,150
- to close the deal.
- Absolutely no problem.
368
00:13:17,207 --> 00:13:19,319
Actually, I have a great
idea for a ramen dessert.
369
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,428
- You make it with Jell-O mix.
- I need you to kill a guard.
370
00:13:22,808 --> 00:13:25,366
Oh... okay. Great.
371
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:26,983
Cool-cool-cool-cool, cool-cool-cool.
372
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,641
Beef Baby's out for blood.
373
00:13:29,881 --> 00:13:30,990
So...
374
00:13:31,772 --> 00:13:34,442
Okay, this guard you
gotta kill, Wilsom...
375
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:35,933
Oh, I'd rather not know his name.
376
00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:38,080
It's Alan Wilson. He's
got a three-year-old,
377
00:13:38,137 --> 00:13:39,406
Dexter. They call him Dex.
378
00:13:39,463 --> 00:13:41,152
Cool. I'm not worried at all
379
00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:42,596
about little Dex. I'm
sure he'll be fine.
380
00:13:42,653 --> 00:13:44,184
- I mean, I grew up without a dad.
- Yeah?
381
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:45,475
- Me too.
- So did I.
382
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,954
See? And we're all doing great.
383
00:13:47,011 --> 00:13:48,342
Can I ask what this Wilson did
384
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,146
- to deserve this?
- He beat the crap out of me.
385
00:13:50,203 --> 00:13:51,870
- How?
- More importantly, he keeps
386
00:13:51,928 --> 00:13:53,709
interfering with my
business interests.
387
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:55,317
But it's about my thing too, right?
388
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:56,697
Of course.
389
00:13:58,355 --> 00:14:01,373
How are you gonna do it?
Shiv him, shank him, stab him?
390
00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:03,233
Are those different?
391
00:14:03,599 --> 00:14:06,327
Oh, boy. Should I be asking
392
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,999
- someone else to do this?
- No, no, no, no.
393
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,570
It's fine. I'm gonna
prove myself to you.
394
00:14:09,627 --> 00:14:12,517
But what if instead of killing Wilson,
395
00:14:12,836 --> 00:14:14,448
we get him fired?
That way, you don't have
396
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:15,905
another man's death on
your conscience.
397
00:14:15,962 --> 00:14:16,976
Yeah, that doesn't bother me.
398
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:18,179
No, of course not. Why would it?
399
00:14:18,236 --> 00:14:19,687
But if we murder him,
there's gonna be
400
00:14:19,744 --> 00:14:21,249
an investigation, and that
could bring a lot of heat
401
00:14:21,306 --> 00:14:22,789
- down on you, you know?
- I can see that.
402
00:14:22,846 --> 00:14:24,872
But that's not how we usually
do things around here.
403
00:14:24,929 --> 00:14:25,824
Sure, but you know what else
404
00:14:25,882 --> 00:14:27,460
you didn't used to do around here...
405
00:14:28,292 --> 00:14:30,778
Sprinkle uncooked noodles
on top of your ramen.
406
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,498
You're right. You're right.
407
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,495
You've earned the benefit of the doubt.
408
00:14:39,811 --> 00:14:41,636
You have 24 hours, Beef Baby.
409
00:14:41,694 --> 00:14:43,844
- Jake.
- Beef Baby.
410
00:14:43,936 --> 00:14:45,022
- Jake.
- Beef Baby.
411
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:45,917
- Jake.
- Beef Baby.
412
00:14:45,947 --> 00:14:46,827
- Jake.
- Beef Baby.
413
00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:48,630
- Jake.
- Beef. Baby!
414
00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:52,514
Beef Baby.
415
00:14:52,710 --> 00:14:53,911
Okay, here's the plan.
416
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:55,655
Tank said Wilson beats up inmates,
417
00:14:55,713 --> 00:14:57,318
so all I have to do is
get him to attack me
418
00:14:57,375 --> 00:14:59,182
and then file a complaint
with the prison board.
419
00:14:59,239 --> 00:15:01,623
Sure, but whenever the
bulls attack us...
420
00:15:01,681 --> 00:15:03,975
Which happens all the time...
the security cameras
421
00:15:04,061 --> 00:15:05,714
are conveniently not working that day,
422
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,768
so it's just your word
against theirs.
423
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:10,170
Well, lucky for me,
I have my own camera.
424
00:15:10,227 --> 00:15:12,305
It's the perfect plan.
Hey, I've never
425
00:15:12,362 --> 00:15:13,593
been beaten up by a
prison guard before.
426
00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:14,835
They don't use that baton, do they?
427
00:15:14,892 --> 00:15:16,351
You seem pretty committed to this plan,
428
00:15:16,408 --> 00:15:18,483
so there's no real
benefit to me answering.
429
00:15:18,590 --> 00:15:19,740
Sounds good.
430
00:15:19,798 --> 00:15:21,199
So, you painted my apartment?
431
00:15:21,257 --> 00:15:23,513
Walls in "White Wisp,"
trim in "Honeymilk."
432
00:15:23,571 --> 00:15:25,005
- And you filed my taxes.
- You're getting
433
00:15:25,062 --> 00:15:26,751
- your maximum refund.
- And picked up
434
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:28,814
- my abuela at the airport?
- Yes, I went and got her
435
00:15:28,871 --> 00:15:31,027
at the Philadelphia
International Airport in...
436
00:15:31,248 --> 00:15:32,993
- Pennsylvania.
- And you broke the news to her
437
00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:34,652
about how I got sent to prison
and she'll probably die
438
00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:36,292
- before I get out?
- Mm-hmm, had that
439
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:37,820
- fun conversation.
- But it was all worth it
440
00:15:37,877 --> 00:15:40,459
for you, you poor little caged bird.
441
00:15:40,517 --> 00:15:42,222
Great, because I have
another favor to ask.
442
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,493
- Another?
- Yeah, I need you
443
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:44,861
to cancel my cable.
444
00:15:46,296 --> 00:15:47,563
That's it?
445
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:51,244
That's easy.
446
00:15:51,301 --> 00:15:52,902
I've been on the phone for six hours
447
00:15:52,959 --> 00:15:54,600
and I just wanna cancel an account.
448
00:15:54,670 --> 00:15:55,998
Yes, you've mentioned the bundles
449
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,106
and I don't want home phone service.
450
00:15:58,295 --> 00:16:00,543
No, do not transfer me, Rodrigo...
no, no!
451
00:16:00,686 --> 00:16:03,045
No, Rodrigo!
452
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,692
All right, there's Wilson.
453
00:16:04,794 --> 00:16:06,919
I'll go make him mad.
When he attacks me,
454
00:16:07,122 --> 00:16:08,895
you film it. Then afterwards,
455
00:16:08,953 --> 00:16:10,563
- we'll meet up in the bathroom.
- Okay, great.
456
00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:11,854
What are you gonna do to
get him angry?
457
00:16:11,911 --> 00:16:13,166
Well, I don't know him,
458
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,457
so I'm not sure what
buttons to push,
459
00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:16,359
but I'm sure if I try enough things,
460
00:16:16,466 --> 00:16:18,716
something will set him off.
461
00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:20,540
Excuse me,
can I ask you a question?
462
00:16:20,597 --> 00:16:22,645
- Get back to your table.
- Yeah, you know, I would,
463
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:24,169
except for...
464
00:16:24,227 --> 00:16:26,268
- Oh, my God, that's all it took?
- I told you
465
00:16:26,326 --> 00:16:27,687
to get back to your table!
466
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:32,352
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
467
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:33,640
What hurts the most is
knowing
468
00:16:33,698 --> 00:16:35,166
that prisoners are treated
this way every day
469
00:16:35,223 --> 00:16:37,212
in our penal system...
also, he kicked me
470
00:16:37,270 --> 00:16:38,875
- in the wiener a bunch.
- Mm.
471
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:40,270
Show me the video. I'll
send it to Charles,
472
00:16:40,327 --> 00:16:42,172
he'll say he got it
anonymously, and then...
473
00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:44,801
Oh, my
God, that's all it took?
474
00:16:44,859 --> 00:16:47,234
Caleb, is this it? Did
you film yourself
475
00:16:47,291 --> 00:16:48,558
- the whole time?
- Okay, look, I've been
476
00:16:48,615 --> 00:16:50,626
in prison for 15 years. I'm not good
477
00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:52,222
with new technology.
478
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,057
You want somebody to
lure a kid to a park
479
00:16:54,115 --> 00:16:56,432
using a Lycos chatroom,
I'm your man.
480
00:16:56,530 --> 00:16:58,100
Look, just press this button
481
00:16:58,158 --> 00:17:01,068
and make it front-facing.
Come on, let's try it again.
482
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,638
Hey, Wilson...
483
00:17:06,343 --> 00:17:07,677
Please tell me you were pointed
484
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:09,178
in the right direction that time.
485
00:17:09,235 --> 00:17:11,681
Yes, but there was a different issue.
486
00:17:14,217 --> 00:17:16,623
Caleb! You added the
fiesta filter?
487
00:17:16,681 --> 00:17:19,662
- I'm doing the best I can.
- Tell that to my wiener!
488
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,057
- I'm doing the...
- No, don't really... gosh...
489
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:26,542
Okay,
how'd you screw it up this time?
490
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,175
I didn't. I got everything.
491
00:17:28,232 --> 00:17:30,032
I even zoomed in for some close-ups.
492
00:17:30,089 --> 00:17:32,012
Oh, thank God.
493
00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:34,136
I was so sure that something
was gonna go wrong.
494
00:17:34,193 --> 00:17:35,605
Hey there, Peralta.
495
00:17:35,662 --> 00:17:37,716
Oh, I'll take that phone now.
496
00:17:40,469 --> 00:17:42,634
I heard an inmate and a guard
were having a fight.
497
00:17:42,691 --> 00:17:44,461
So I go to do what
I normally do:
498
00:17:44,539 --> 00:17:46,684
- turn off the security cameras.
- Yup, cool policy.
499
00:17:46,741 --> 00:17:48,651
- This place is great.
- And that's when I noticed
500
00:17:48,708 --> 00:17:50,748
your cannibal pal
taping the whole fight
501
00:17:50,806 --> 00:17:53,081
with an illegal cell phone.
And what were you planning
502
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,059
on doing with this?
Blackmailing Wilson?
503
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,850
No, I was trying to save his life.
504
00:17:56,907 --> 00:17:58,084
- Ah, come on.
- Honestly.
505
00:17:58,142 --> 00:17:59,881
I was ordered by this guy,
Romero.
506
00:17:59,944 --> 00:18:01,533
- I don't know his first name.
- Jeff?
507
00:18:01,590 --> 00:18:03,147
Really?
Romero's first name is Jeff?
508
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:04,834
- Yeah.
- Anyway, Jeff ordered me
509
00:18:04,912 --> 00:18:06,160
to kill Wilson, but I
convinced him to let
510
00:18:06,217 --> 00:18:08,028
your guy live if I got
him fired instead.
511
00:18:08,085 --> 00:18:09,908
Why do you want him to lose his job?
512
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:11,876
- He's a good man with a family.
- I mean, he did stomp
513
00:18:11,933 --> 00:18:14,001
- on my head a bunch of times.
- Those were warning stomps.
514
00:18:14,058 --> 00:18:16,080
What are you, part of
Romero's crew now?
515
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,550
No, I was trying to get in.
That's what the video was for,
516
00:18:18,607 --> 00:18:20,879
- but obviously, it didn't work.
- All right.
517
00:18:22,481 --> 00:18:24,293
- I'll fire Wilson.
- Really?
518
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,121
- Why?
- Romero's responsible
519
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,208
for most of the illegal stuff
that goes on in this prison.
520
00:18:28,265 --> 00:18:29,750
I've always wanted a man
on the inside.
521
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:31,429
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
522
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,641
The only people less popular in
here than cops are snitches.
523
00:18:33,698 --> 00:18:34,663
Well, let's be honest,
524
00:18:34,721 --> 00:18:36,156
it's not great in here
for trans people.
525
00:18:36,213 --> 00:18:37,557
- That is so true.
- I know.
526
00:18:37,615 --> 00:18:40,194
- They have a hard time.
- It's a problem.
527
00:18:40,507 --> 00:18:42,707
Regardless, I won't snitch, okay?
528
00:18:42,764 --> 00:18:44,542
It's too dangerous.
I'll find some other way
529
00:18:44,599 --> 00:18:45,699
- to stay alive.
- All right.
530
00:18:45,756 --> 00:18:46,867
Good luck with that.
531
00:18:46,944 --> 00:18:49,113
♪♪
532
00:18:50,115 --> 00:18:51,420
Wait.
533
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:54,687
I'll do what you want...
534
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:56,721
if you let me keep my phone.
535
00:18:56,778 --> 00:18:59,386
So, were you able to cancel my cable?
536
00:18:59,444 --> 00:19:00,625
Of course. It was easy.
537
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,860
Good, because I have
something else.
538
00:19:02,917 --> 00:19:04,777
I need you to take my dog to Argentina
539
00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:06,887
to be with Adrian on his ranch.
Now, I know what you're gonna
540
00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,098
ask me, and the answer is no,
541
00:19:08,155 --> 00:19:09,466
I don't have a map of the booby traps,
542
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,700
but I can tell you how he thinks.
543
00:19:10,757 --> 00:19:12,036
Enough!
544
00:19:12,226 --> 00:19:14,109
I'm sorry. I hate to say this,
545
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:17,023
but you're asking too much of us.
546
00:19:17,897 --> 00:19:19,625
Is that how you feel too, Sarge?
547
00:19:20,921 --> 00:19:23,093
- Yeah, Rosa, damn.
- Good, finally.
548
00:19:23,281 --> 00:19:25,583
- What?
- Look, prison is awful.
549
00:19:25,757 --> 00:19:27,851
I hate it here. I'm lonely, I'm scared.
550
00:19:28,023 --> 00:19:29,699
I just wanna be back
home, and I was happy
551
00:19:29,757 --> 00:19:31,310
you guys were coming to
visit, but then you started
552
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,251
calling me by my first name,
and you kept making
553
00:19:33,308 --> 00:19:35,496
that crazy crying face.
The only one that is acting
554
00:19:35,554 --> 00:19:37,929
- like himself is Hitchcock.
- You!
555
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,937
- Shirt back on!
- Stop being such a prude.
556
00:19:41,108 --> 00:19:43,101
If I'm gonna get through
this, I need to feel like
557
00:19:43,159 --> 00:19:46,476
my old life isn't gone.
I need normal interactions.
558
00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:47,861
So, I need you guys to
fight with me,
559
00:19:47,918 --> 00:19:49,496
and be honest with me,
and tell me no
560
00:19:49,553 --> 00:19:51,532
when I'm being
unreasonable.
561
00:19:51,726 --> 00:19:54,596
Okay, I promise: no more
crying face.
562
00:19:54,815 --> 00:19:56,535
And no more pity... Diaz.
563
00:19:56,593 --> 00:19:57,805
Thank you. I can't believe it took
564
00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:58,950
that long. I really thought
565
00:19:59,007 --> 00:20:00,175
the cable company was
gonna break you.
566
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,659
It did. But the good news is,
567
00:20:01,764 --> 00:20:04,648
you now have Epix, plus some channel
568
00:20:04,706 --> 00:20:06,691
called "Tunez," with a Z.
569
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:08,177
Two-year commitment.
570
00:20:09,684 --> 00:20:11,882
What else? Oh, you're never gonna
571
00:20:11,940 --> 00:20:13,153
believe this. I've been reading.
572
00:20:13,210 --> 00:20:15,538
Reading? Like, books by
real authors?
573
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,820
I don't know, is Philip
Roth a real author?
574
00:20:17,878 --> 00:20:19,971
Ohhhhh, my goodness!
575
00:20:20,182 --> 00:20:22,128
I wish you had gone
to prison years ago.
576
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,054
I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not
577
00:20:24,112 --> 00:20:26,088
more attracted to you now than before.
578
00:20:27,702 --> 00:20:28,869
So, what else have you been reading?
579
00:20:28,926 --> 00:20:30,713
Oh, hang on one sec.
580
00:20:31,372 --> 00:20:33,799
- Hey, boss, what's up?
- I saw you got Wilson fired.
581
00:20:33,870 --> 00:20:35,745
Nice work. Welcome aboard.
582
00:20:35,893 --> 00:20:37,132
Thank you. I promise you,
583
00:20:37,190 --> 00:20:38,573
you won't regret it.
584
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,432
♪♪ TENSE MUSIC...
585
00:20:41,539 --> 00:20:42,840
Just one more thing.
586
00:20:43,081 --> 00:20:45,196
I know you used to be a cop.
587
00:20:45,581 --> 00:20:48,643
If you screw me over,
I will cut your testicles off
588
00:20:48,784 --> 00:20:50,250
and watch you bleed
to death in the dirt.
589
00:20:50,307 --> 00:20:51,963
You got that?
590
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,328
Can I trust you?
591
00:20:54,729 --> 00:20:57,197
Yeah. I got nothing to hide.
592
00:20:57,503 --> 00:20:59,190
I'm your Beef Baby.
593
00:20:59,723 --> 00:21:03,573
♪♪
594
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,852
Hey, sorry about that.
595
00:21:07,909 --> 00:21:10,688
- Where were we?
- Jake, that sounded really bad.
596
00:21:10,745 --> 00:21:12,292
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
597
00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:15,674
Everything's fine.
I'm talking to you.45269
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