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1
00:00:08,891 --> 00:00:10,391
You'd probably really like my ex-wife.
2
00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,601
I mean, most people do.
3
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,186
Well, most men do.
4
00:00:13,223 --> 00:00:14,972
With hindsight, Lucy and I
probably should have
5
00:00:15,009 --> 00:00:17,085
gotten to know each other better.
6
00:00:17,163 --> 00:00:18,553
You know, the only things we
had in common
7
00:00:18,590 --> 00:00:21,172
were high sex drives
and our firm belief
8
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,074
in the film career of David Caruso.
9
00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:26,352
Both of those caused us just
years of heartbreak.
10
00:00:26,622 --> 00:00:28,376
All of which couldn't have been avoided
11
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,587
with just a couple of
more sober dates like this one.
12
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,017
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
13
00:00:32,054 --> 00:00:33,849
This is a really sober date.
14
00:00:33,926 --> 00:00:35,021
Just the soberest.
15
00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:36,308
- [LAUGHS]
- Isn't it?
16
00:00:36,345 --> 00:00:37,752
Two people out enjoying each other
17
00:00:37,789 --> 00:00:40,565
on a bright, sunny afternoon.
18
00:00:40,815 --> 00:00:43,532
So unbelievably sunny.
19
00:00:43,569 --> 00:00:45,773
Are you sweating
from every pore as well?
20
00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:47,234
Yes.
21
00:00:47,356 --> 00:00:49,887
Maybe it's the
aerodynamics of this bike?
22
00:00:50,241 --> 00:00:52,648
I feel like we're
pedaling an IMAX screen.
23
00:00:52,873 --> 00:00:54,857
[LAUGHS] Well, would you like to, uh,
24
00:00:54,894 --> 00:00:56,903
as the kids say, uh...
25
00:00:57,054 --> 00:00:58,683
pull over and park?
26
00:00:58,755 --> 00:01:01,974
Uh, really? Ooh.
27
00:01:02,037 --> 00:01:05,912
I feel like I'm... every
inch of me is sticky.
28
00:01:06,444 --> 00:01:10,481
But sure, yeah,
let's make out at 11:00 a.m.
29
00:01:10,518 --> 00:01:11,817
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
30
00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:13,744
- What the heck, right?
- Okay.
31
00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:16,214
[BOTH SIGH]
32
00:01:18,705 --> 00:01:22,184
Look, I've been dying for you
to make a move for weeks.
33
00:01:22,221 --> 00:01:25,664
But it's way too hot for
any form of physical embrace.
34
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,085
Agreed. So, uh...
35
00:01:27,173 --> 00:01:29,698
Well, just lips and tongue then.
36
00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:31,677
- Sure.
- Okay.
37
00:01:31,714 --> 00:01:33,204
[LAUGHS]
38
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,483
Uh...
39
00:01:35,634 --> 00:01:38,569
[LIQUID POURING]
40
00:01:40,757 --> 00:01:43,132
- Okay, I'm calling it.
- We really tried!
41
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,685
We did. We tried.
42
00:01:44,755 --> 00:01:46,129
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
43
00:01:46,179 --> 00:01:47,951
- [SIGHS]
- [PEDALS SQUEAK]
44
00:01:48,396 --> 00:01:51,516
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
45
00:01:51,766 --> 00:01:54,362
I caught that broadcast
you and Gabby did.
46
00:01:54,399 --> 00:01:56,748
- Yeah?
- That was, uh... unique.
47
00:01:56,913 --> 00:01:58,037
Well,
48
00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,291
we got some nice think pieces
out of it.
49
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:02,459
Also some pretty strong backlash,
50
00:02:02,496 --> 00:02:04,445
but then there was
a pretty big backlash
51
00:02:04,464 --> 00:02:05,531
to the backlash.
52
00:02:05,568 --> 00:02:07,998
- So...
- Hey, listen.
53
00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:11,146
You two broadcast
a spring training game
54
00:02:11,183 --> 00:02:12,986
and made people give a shit.
55
00:02:13,086 --> 00:02:15,836
They should pin a goddamn medal
on both of you.
56
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,775
I told the Oakland brass
57
00:02:17,927 --> 00:02:19,379
my dying wish is that
58
00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:21,583
you and Gabby take over the TV booth.
59
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,936
Well, boy, Matt,
I appreciate that gesture,
60
00:02:23,973 --> 00:02:26,525
but I really wish you
would not talk like that.
61
00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:27,786
What? Dying wish?
62
00:02:27,823 --> 00:02:30,270
That's just something you say
from a hospital bed
63
00:02:30,307 --> 00:02:31,702
to get what you want.
64
00:02:31,739 --> 00:02:32,812
[CHUCKLES]
65
00:02:32,849 --> 00:02:34,829
Got me that pallet of Dunkaroos.
66
00:02:34,884 --> 00:02:36,994
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
67
00:02:37,186 --> 00:02:38,452
Those things are discontinued.
68
00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:40,298
I mean, it's like I'm eating dodo eggs.
69
00:02:40,335 --> 00:02:42,308
[LAUGHS] Hey.
70
00:02:42,345 --> 00:02:44,047
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Maggie.
71
00:02:44,084 --> 00:02:45,134
Thank you.
72
00:02:45,171 --> 00:02:46,744
I didn't know you'd be here today.
73
00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:48,459
I am.
74
00:02:49,098 --> 00:02:50,648
How... how are you?
75
00:02:50,759 --> 00:02:52,510
- Good.
- Excellent.
76
00:02:52,697 --> 00:02:54,796
- Thank you.
- Oh, well, laters.
77
00:02:54,847 --> 00:02:56,481
Mm-hmm.
78
00:02:56,882 --> 00:02:58,291
Wow.
79
00:02:58,423 --> 00:03:00,265
I was gonna ask how the date went,
80
00:03:00,302 --> 00:03:03,411
but it's pretty clear
you did not dunk your roo.
81
00:03:03,557 --> 00:03:04,790
Did not.
82
00:03:05,111 --> 00:03:06,732
Yeah, I... she's the first person
83
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,516
I've ever tried to be with in sobriety.
84
00:03:08,553 --> 00:03:10,862
You know, I have absolutely no clue
85
00:03:11,054 --> 00:03:12,180
how to convince somebody
86
00:03:12,217 --> 00:03:14,791
to have sex with me
without the aid of alcohol.
87
00:03:14,942 --> 00:03:16,534
You just need practice.
88
00:03:16,591 --> 00:03:18,920
- [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
- Here, I'll help you.
89
00:03:19,128 --> 00:03:20,528
Come on. Try and fuck me.
90
00:03:20,565 --> 00:03:22,004
No. No, no.
91
00:03:22,041 --> 00:03:23,949
No, I take role play very seriously.
92
00:03:24,093 --> 00:03:26,094
Neither of us are
in the proper wardrobe,
93
00:03:26,131 --> 00:03:28,686
and my wig guy
is still in Baltimore, so...
94
00:03:28,762 --> 00:03:30,204
What... what are you afraid of?
95
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:31,782
Come on. Don't be a pussy.
96
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:34,266
I'm already in bed half naked,
97
00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,354
Come on, see if you can
get your dick sucked.
98
00:03:37,664 --> 00:03:40,072
- Make a move. Let's go.
- Uh, all right.
99
00:03:40,414 --> 00:03:42,005
Hey, hey.
100
00:03:42,086 --> 00:03:43,844
Jeez, what... get... No!
101
00:03:43,922 --> 00:03:46,277
- Ew! Gross. Pass!
- Come on.
102
00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,231
Just grabbing a handful of titty?
103
00:03:48,303 --> 00:03:51,110
I'm not your whore, Brockmire.
104
00:03:51,262 --> 00:03:52,444
Try it again.
105
00:03:52,668 --> 00:03:54,809
Remember I'm a goddamn lady.
106
00:03:55,247 --> 00:03:57,073
Hang on.
You got a little eyelash there.
107
00:03:57,119 --> 00:03:58,226
Hold on.
108
00:03:58,263 --> 00:04:00,202
Oh, I see. You're doing "eyelash"?
109
00:04:00,279 --> 00:04:02,279
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
110
00:04:02,357 --> 00:04:03,706
What are you, the Fonz?
111
00:04:03,782 --> 00:04:06,027
- Oh, all right.
- Do I look like Pinky Tuscadero?
112
00:04:06,064 --> 00:04:08,750
Get out of 1974, you desperate hack.
113
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,562
God, you're terrible at this!
114
00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,068
I told you that I was.
115
00:04:12,105 --> 00:04:13,942
Look. All right. Let's just try this.
116
00:04:14,022 --> 00:04:16,644
This'll be another unique
experience for you.
117
00:04:16,795 --> 00:04:18,032
Be honest.
118
00:04:18,069 --> 00:04:20,345
Tell her you want her
119
00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:23,007
to take your sober virginity,
120
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,723
- but you're scared.
- [SIGHS]
121
00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,692
The vulnerability angle
worked great for me
122
00:04:27,729 --> 00:04:29,832
when I first got diagnosed with cancer.
123
00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,212
Got a ton of ass.
124
00:04:31,249 --> 00:04:32,554
Weren't you still married to Meegan
125
00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:34,258
when you were first diagnosed?
126
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:35,831
Yeah, we had one of those marriages
127
00:04:35,868 --> 00:04:38,218
where we both agreed to be
terrible people.
128
00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:41,183
I had one of those.
129
00:04:41,537 --> 00:04:44,413
Well, she had that agreement.
130
00:04:46,050 --> 00:04:47,958
So you ready to go get dinner?
131
00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:49,505
You know, before we go out,
132
00:04:49,542 --> 00:04:50,782
do you mind if I take a shower?
133
00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:52,808
I came here straight from work.
134
00:04:52,996 --> 00:04:54,404
- Here?
- Mm-hmm.
135
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,342
- Now?
- Yeah.
136
00:04:56,494 --> 00:04:58,571
Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.
137
00:04:58,645 --> 00:05:00,512
There's towels and stuff in there.
138
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,469
Okay.
139
00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:06,343
So I'll just be naked in there
140
00:05:06,921 --> 00:05:08,587
should you need anything.
141
00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:12,077
It'd be weird if you weren't.
142
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,173
I mean, wouldn't it?
143
00:05:15,327 --> 00:05:16,925
Yeah.
144
00:05:21,711 --> 00:05:23,318
Okay.
145
00:05:23,759 --> 00:05:25,653
Am I missing something?
146
00:05:25,851 --> 00:05:26,956
- Whoa!
- Oh!
147
00:05:26,999 --> 00:05:28,203
I forgot Clemenza was in there.
148
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,410
So sorry about that.
149
00:05:29,447 --> 00:05:30,899
It's all right.
You can shower with him.
150
00:05:30,936 --> 00:05:32,637
He likes to wet his little toesies.
151
00:05:32,713 --> 00:05:35,280
Just... if he starts nipping at
you, he's not kidding around.
152
00:05:35,317 --> 00:05:38,024
That's his one flaw.
He lacks a sense of humor.
153
00:05:38,121 --> 00:05:40,561
Uh, can you get him out of here?
154
00:05:40,598 --> 00:05:41,796
Oh, of course.
155
00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:43,446
My bad. I am so sorry.
156
00:05:43,483 --> 00:05:44,673
Come on, Clemenza.
157
00:05:44,751 --> 00:05:46,179
[GRUNTS]
158
00:05:46,286 --> 00:05:49,028
Not nice to scare the nice lady.
159
00:05:49,147 --> 00:05:50,981
It's not funny.
160
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,850
You know, I've been
looking for the right moment
161
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,650
to talk to you
about our whole deal here.
162
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,361
The thing is, I've never had
a relationship sober.
163
00:05:57,513 --> 00:05:59,280
Boy, I've never even had sex sober.
164
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,467
Yeah, come to think of it,
165
00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:02,792
I don't think I have ever
seen a naked woman...
166
00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,685
Say, how are you?
167
00:06:04,722 --> 00:06:05,519
'Cause that...
168
00:06:05,556 --> 00:06:07,113
- I like every bit of that.
- [LAUGHS]
169
00:06:07,239 --> 00:06:09,514
Shut up and kiss me, please.
170
00:06:09,917 --> 00:06:12,028
Absolutely.
171
00:06:12,065 --> 00:06:13,980
[LAUGHS] Mm.
172
00:06:14,226 --> 00:06:17,647
Hey, before we get into this,
I have a confession to make.
173
00:06:17,706 --> 00:06:20,194
I used to listen to
your podcast all the time.
174
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:24,130
I just... I didn't want you to
see me as some weird groupie.
175
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,490
Oh, no. I love groupies.
176
00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,044
- [LAUGHS]
- No, seriously.
177
00:06:28,081 --> 00:06:29,742
They guarantee that at least one person
178
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,295
in this relationship likes me.
179
00:06:31,332 --> 00:06:32,424
[LAUGHS]
180
00:06:32,461 --> 00:06:34,370
All those stories you used to tell
181
00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:37,841
about your sexual exploits
around the world...
182
00:06:37,905 --> 00:06:40,571
- Yeah.
- Really turned me on.
183
00:06:40,997 --> 00:06:42,378
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
184
00:06:42,456 --> 00:06:46,062
Well, then allow me to introduce you
185
00:06:46,099 --> 00:06:49,946
to a veritable buffet
of sexual delights.
186
00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:53,926
A smorgasbord of
orgasm-inducing delicacies
187
00:06:54,078 --> 00:06:55,737
from around the globe.
188
00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:58,467
I'm talking about
the Chi-Town Get-Down.
189
00:06:58,578 --> 00:07:00,957
A Thousand and One A-Labian Nights.
190
00:07:00,994 --> 00:07:02,720
Ooh, the Bangkok Bang Cock.
191
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,683
The Bangkok Tangkok.
192
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:05,855
Now, that last one, that involves
193
00:07:05,931 --> 00:07:07,189
us going to the store to get Tang.
194
00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:08,340
But, uh, it's worth it.
195
00:07:08,688 --> 00:07:09,770
Hey.
196
00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,333
- Nothing's happening down there.
- I know.
197
00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:12,424
Is everything okay?
198
00:07:12,461 --> 00:07:14,460
My penis normally jumps up,
199
00:07:14,497 --> 00:07:16,029
like a rambunctious golden retriever
200
00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:17,159
on his way to the park.
201
00:07:17,196 --> 00:07:18,432
Could I give it a try myself?
202
00:07:18,469 --> 00:07:19,959
- Sure.
- I call this maneuver.
203
00:07:19,996 --> 00:07:21,863
"Billy Joel's the Stranger."
204
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,163
See, 'cause I go in lefty.
205
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,332
Okay.
206
00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:25,505
Um...
207
00:07:25,542 --> 00:07:27,080
- I have an idea.
- Yeah.
208
00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:29,854
I'd like to take my penis
and fold it in half
209
00:07:29,935 --> 00:07:32,873
and just kind of jam it
on in there with my thumb
210
00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:35,315
in hopes that once it gets wet
it will expand
211
00:07:35,352 --> 00:07:37,492
like one of those fun dinosaur sponges.
212
00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:39,267
What do you say?
213
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:40,705
Give it a try?
214
00:07:40,984 --> 00:07:42,892
- Cool. Yeah.
- It could work.
215
00:07:43,932 --> 00:07:46,044
Okay.
216
00:07:46,359 --> 00:07:47,862
[GRUNTS] Okay.
217
00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,271
Boy, I am so sorry.
218
00:07:49,308 --> 00:07:50,849
So I'ma stop.
219
00:07:50,886 --> 00:07:52,810
And I'm gonna work through my shame
220
00:07:52,904 --> 00:07:53,954
by going down on you.
221
00:07:53,991 --> 00:07:55,105
So, you know,
222
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,415
clear out your next couple hours.
223
00:07:56,452 --> 00:07:57,731
Because my overcompensation
224
00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,785
is gonna become your erotic marathon!
225
00:08:00,957 --> 00:08:02,308
Here I go.
226
00:08:03,181 --> 00:08:04,604
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- All right.
227
00:08:04,682 --> 00:08:06,365
Just getting into position.
228
00:08:06,517 --> 00:08:08,200
Hello, my hooded friend.
229
00:08:08,352 --> 00:08:10,702
Okay.
230
00:08:11,149 --> 00:08:12,568
Okay.
231
00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:17,178
I mean, I don't like to
toot my pussy-eating horn here,
232
00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:19,594
but it was... No,
it was a bravura performance.
233
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,071
She would have given me a standing O,
234
00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:22,876
well, if her legs had still worked.
235
00:08:22,913 --> 00:08:25,823
But... even my enjoyment at her total
236
00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:27,418
and complete satisfaction
237
00:08:27,455 --> 00:08:30,095
could not rouse my hibernating hog.
238
00:08:30,132 --> 00:08:32,685
It was just...
it was devastating, people.
239
00:08:32,877 --> 00:08:33,987
You know.
240
00:08:34,143 --> 00:08:36,061
I mean, I'm sure I'm not
the only man in here
241
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:37,425
to have dealt with impotence.
242
00:08:37,462 --> 00:08:39,173
I mean, am I right, guys?
243
00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:42,718
Hmm? Really, guys?
244
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,480
I mean, there's more handicap
placards out there than cars.
245
00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:48,090
But in this room
full of medical maladies,
246
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,307
I'm the only human being
to have dealt with this issue.
247
00:08:50,394 --> 00:08:52,020
Is that what you're telling me?
248
00:08:52,463 --> 00:08:54,037
Larry?
249
00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:56,173
Look at me, Larry.
250
00:08:56,325 --> 00:08:58,041
I'm looking at you, Larry.
251
00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:00,494
Because you're an elderly gentleman
252
00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:02,188
with circulatory problems
253
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,789
who's battling prostate cancer,
254
00:09:03,933 --> 00:09:05,337
yet somehow, some way,
255
00:09:05,374 --> 00:09:07,207
you're just hard as a rock
down there on demand?
256
00:09:07,244 --> 00:09:08,385
Is that it?
257
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,687
Jim.
258
00:09:10,044 --> 00:09:12,181
They had to amputate your foot, Larry.
259
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:14,955
'Cause not enough blood
was flowing to it.
260
00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:16,998
Probably all just pooling there
261
00:09:17,035 --> 00:09:18,816
in your rock-hard Johnson, huh?
262
00:09:18,888 --> 00:09:19,938
Come on, Jim.
263
00:09:19,975 --> 00:09:21,272
Are you hard right now, Larry?
264
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,567
Jim, knock it off.
265
00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:24,129
If we wheeled you
into the center of the room,
266
00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:25,612
could we play ring-toss with it?
267
00:09:25,722 --> 00:09:27,422
- Jim!
- Larry!
268
00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:28,897
Jim!
269
00:09:30,025 --> 00:09:31,625
Larry!
270
00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,358
Have some regrets about the way
I handled things with Larry.
271
00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:38,107
I do think that most of his tears
272
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,585
were due to his time in Nam, though.
273
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,972
Well, you know, you have only
yourself to blame.
274
00:09:42,418 --> 00:09:45,669
A man with anxiety so bad
he can't count out loud
275
00:09:45,789 --> 00:09:48,300
should not be trying to get
a boner in front of a stranger.
276
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,086
Well, I've never had
the dick yips, Shirley.
277
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,227
Mm-hmm. Sure.
278
00:09:51,264 --> 00:09:52,588
- I haven't.
- Okay.
279
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:55,256
A woman once chipped
her tooth on my whiskey dick
280
00:09:55,293 --> 00:09:57,327
during a particularly sloppy blowjob.
281
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,199
Well, maybe your penis
is trying to tell you
282
00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:00,470
that it's too soon to date.
283
00:10:00,753 --> 00:10:01,994
You're still working the steps.
284
00:10:02,031 --> 00:10:04,241
So what, my dick
has a moral compass now?
285
00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:06,799
After all the appalling things
it's had me do?
286
00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,430
A month ago,
it made me fuck a croissant.
287
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:10,904
I'm so in my head with this thing,
288
00:10:10,941 --> 00:10:12,850
I can't even get it up
to masturbate anymore.
289
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:14,018
Can you believe that?
290
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:15,986
My dong is like some kind of
291
00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:18,525
sad little one-eyed Charlie Brown
292
00:10:18,562 --> 00:10:20,740
that's too depressed
to even lift his head up.
293
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,750
God, I wish the program
allowed me to take Viagra.
294
00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:24,964
Well, it does,
295
00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:27,044
as long as it's not a trigger for you.
296
00:10:27,116 --> 00:10:28,766
Me, I never have abused it.
297
00:10:28,869 --> 00:10:30,035
I mean, every time I took it,
298
00:10:30,072 --> 00:10:31,495
I went on a crystal meth bender.
299
00:10:31,532 --> 00:10:33,424
But that was only, like,
eight or ten times a year.
300
00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:34,888
So no Viagra.
301
00:10:35,215 --> 00:10:37,337
Jim, I'm thinking that we've reached
302
00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:40,009
the point in your recovery
where it's time for you
303
00:10:40,046 --> 00:10:42,521
to take some responsibility
for your own solutions.
304
00:10:43,038 --> 00:10:44,868
Yeah? So what do you think
305
00:10:44,909 --> 00:10:46,387
would make a good fix?
306
00:10:46,424 --> 00:10:48,029
Well, I still haven't found
a higher power
307
00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:49,273
that I can believe in, I mean,
308
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:50,953
without rolling my eyes anyway.
309
00:10:50,990 --> 00:10:53,182
But I'm just gonna have to
let go of the wheel
310
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,854
and let something else take control
311
00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,821
or I'm never gonna quiet my mind
312
00:10:56,858 --> 00:10:59,452
and be free of this anxiety, am I?
313
00:11:01,062 --> 00:11:02,991
That was right.
I just got that right, didn't I?
314
00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:05,145
Holy shit! I'm starting to get it.
315
00:11:05,224 --> 00:11:06,420
That is great.
316
00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:08,815
You are now emotionally 18.
317
00:11:08,949 --> 00:11:11,616
But do you mind if I skip the part
318
00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:14,324
where I bang the
alcoholic epiphany gong?
319
00:11:14,361 --> 00:11:15,969
'Cause I really gotta pick up my kid.
320
00:11:16,006 --> 00:11:17,264
I'm guessing you, uh,
321
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,701
you weren't a cheerleader
in high school,
322
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:19,837
- Am I right, Shirley?
- No.
323
00:11:19,874 --> 00:11:21,110
I did once stab a cheerleader
324
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:22,786
with a pencil once in eighth grade.
325
00:11:22,862 --> 00:11:24,429
'Cause the bitch stole my lighter.
326
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,765
I gotta go.
327
00:11:27,361 --> 00:11:29,818
My sponsor, ladies and gentlemen.
328
00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:31,770
So long.
329
00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:36,023
I know it's been a drought,
but don't worry.
330
00:11:36,199 --> 00:11:39,191
A storm is coming to drop 6 3/4 inches
331
00:11:39,286 --> 00:11:41,160
right on your head.
332
00:11:41,373 --> 00:11:42,589
Come on, Jim.
333
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:44,333
Cum all over these people's faces.
334
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,961
They want you to!
335
00:11:47,593 --> 00:11:48,897
God dammit, Brockmire.
336
00:11:49,026 --> 00:11:50,264
The town is counting on you.
337
00:11:50,341 --> 00:11:54,019
If there's no snow,
the whole economy is ruined.
338
00:11:55,032 --> 00:11:57,294
The winter season
keeps these people afloat, Jim.
339
00:11:57,331 --> 00:11:58,555
Come on. Come on!
340
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,616
All right, I'm definitely putting
341
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,761
too much pressure on myself now.
342
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:05,935
- Hey.
- Hey.
343
00:12:05,972 --> 00:12:08,166
I'm off work in an hour.
344
00:12:08,225 --> 00:12:09,518
Oh, Maggie.
345
00:12:09,555 --> 00:12:11,793
At this point, I'm like Wile E. Coyote
346
00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:14,538
and your vagina is a tunnel
painted on a mountain.
347
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,853
I want very much to be inside,
348
00:12:16,890 --> 00:12:18,987
but physics is against me.
349
00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:22,627
Well, I still want to see you tonight.
350
00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:25,206
I just enjoy spending time with you.
351
00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,718
It's comfortable, like
352
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,835
dating an old leather chair.
353
00:12:28,912 --> 00:12:30,245
[CHUCKLES] Well,
354
00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:32,023
you do always have a standing offer
355
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,914
to sit right there on my face.
356
00:12:34,015 --> 00:12:35,166
[LAUGHS]
357
00:12:35,203 --> 00:12:36,892
You don't have to constantly offer
358
00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:38,018
to go down on me.
359
00:12:38,055 --> 00:12:39,416
We can just talk.
360
00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:41,877
Or, more realistically,
you can talk and I can listen.
361
00:12:41,996 --> 00:12:44,700
And if you feel like trying again,
362
00:12:45,116 --> 00:12:46,385
we can.
363
00:12:46,552 --> 00:12:47,675
That's very sweet.
364
00:12:47,712 --> 00:12:49,712
And of course I would love
to see you tonight.
365
00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:52,692
And I appreciate your patience with me.
366
00:12:52,928 --> 00:12:54,957
You know, it's been a long time
since I liked anyone.
367
00:12:54,994 --> 00:12:56,775
And, uh, well,
368
00:12:56,949 --> 00:12:58,240
I want you to be in my life,
369
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,378
even after Matt goes home.
370
00:13:01,644 --> 00:13:02,988
What?
371
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,041
Well, Matt's not going home.
372
00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:06,789
What do you mean?
373
00:13:07,673 --> 00:13:10,785
The cancer, it spread to his organs.
374
00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:12,637
It has?
375
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:15,432
- Since when?
- About two weeks.
376
00:13:15,702 --> 00:13:18,059
He never said anything.
377
00:13:18,468 --> 00:13:20,606
How long does he have?
378
00:13:21,591 --> 00:13:23,056
Not very long.
379
00:13:23,557 --> 00:13:24,700
I'm only telling you now
380
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,060
because you're the only person
he talks to.
381
00:13:27,188 --> 00:13:29,906
I think it's just gonna be
you there at the end.
382
00:13:31,191 --> 00:13:32,732
Okay, god.
383
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:35,039
You know, I think this is
the first time
384
00:13:35,076 --> 00:13:36,325
in my life I've ever been asked
385
00:13:36,362 --> 00:13:38,104
to give somebody comfort.
386
00:13:38,634 --> 00:13:40,975
I'm curious to finally hear
what gets said after.
387
00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:43,530
"Jim, that's enough.
You need to leave."
388
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,948
So right there on the...
on the Christmas Village?
389
00:13:52,985 --> 00:13:55,228
- Right there.
- Do you aim?
390
00:13:55,386 --> 00:13:56,507
No, I don't aim.
391
00:13:56,582 --> 00:13:58,361
Where it lands is just an act of God.
392
00:13:58,398 --> 00:13:59,537
Or, well, it was,
393
00:13:59,574 --> 00:14:01,322
until my dick died.
394
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,161
- Yeah.
- [GROANS]
395
00:14:03,238 --> 00:14:04,754
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
396
00:14:04,791 --> 00:14:06,546
I haven't been able to get it up for
397
00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:08,474
a couple of months.
398
00:14:08,541 --> 00:14:09,601
That actually does.
399
00:14:09,638 --> 00:14:10,688
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
400
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:12,654
The damn thing just lies there.
401
00:14:12,691 --> 00:14:14,810
Hold me... Holy cats and jammers.
402
00:14:14,847 --> 00:14:16,527
[LAUGHS] My g... I...
403
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:18,224
Wow. I feel like I should salute it.
404
00:14:18,261 --> 00:14:20,261
Because it's a flag pole, sir.
405
00:14:20,342 --> 00:14:22,000
Please tell me
it doesn't get any longer;
406
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,375
it just plumps up
like a Ballpark Frank.
407
00:14:24,412 --> 00:14:25,425
[LAUGHS]
408
00:14:25,462 --> 00:14:26,968
I get another couple inches.
409
00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:28,118
What?
410
00:14:28,155 --> 00:14:29,193
I mean, come on.
411
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,428
How does that even work?
412
00:14:30,465 --> 00:14:31,872
Well, it doesn't, really.
413
00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:34,188
That's the cosmic joke of it all.
414
00:14:34,225 --> 00:14:37,607
It is a terribly designed tool
for the job.
415
00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:39,445
It's like using a hammer to knit.
416
00:14:39,531 --> 00:14:40,591
[LAUGHS]
417
00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:43,565
I mean, women like to
experience it once.
418
00:14:43,602 --> 00:14:45,764
You know, as a fun story
to tell their friends,
419
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:48,824
but they don't generally
come back for seconds.
420
00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:50,992
- [SCOFFS]
- You know...
421
00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:53,203
I've never told anybody this.
422
00:14:54,374 --> 00:14:55,922
I have never,
423
00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:58,573
not once in my entire life,
424
00:14:58,819 --> 00:15:02,260
been fully inside a woman.
425
00:15:03,289 --> 00:15:04,723
Boy, that's heartbreaking.
426
00:15:04,814 --> 00:15:07,442
No, 'cause I'm picturing it now.
427
00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:09,126
I mean, your balls just going
428
00:15:09,163 --> 00:15:12,062
back and forth
in the air like that alone,
429
00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:15,133
like abandoned twins on a swing set.
430
00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:16,278
[CHUCKLES]
431
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:18,390
Basically every time I've had sex,
432
00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:21,902
neither one of us
has really enjoyed it.
433
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:25,969
God damn, no wonder
I have intimacy issues.
434
00:15:26,255 --> 00:15:28,129
- [SIGHS]
- [SCOFFS]
435
00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:31,016
Okay, enough about
my pathetic love life.
436
00:15:31,077 --> 00:15:32,926
How about your pathetic love life?
437
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:34,711
- [GROANS]
- You got a...
438
00:15:34,748 --> 00:15:35,950
plan of attack there?
439
00:15:35,987 --> 00:15:38,154
How are you gonna
fix your little limp friend?
440
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:39,692
Oh, I don't know.
441
00:15:39,729 --> 00:15:42,189
Uh, you know, I'm in
uncharted territory here.
442
00:15:42,351 --> 00:15:44,011
I mean, I can't seem to be able to
443
00:15:44,071 --> 00:15:45,311
do anything about it myself,
444
00:15:45,348 --> 00:15:47,447
so I guess I just have to let go
445
00:15:47,484 --> 00:15:49,347
and see what the universe can do?
I don't know.
446
00:15:49,384 --> 00:15:51,161
The program wants me to believe
447
00:15:51,198 --> 00:15:53,699
in something bigger than myself.
448
00:15:53,891 --> 00:15:55,231
You don't believe in God?
449
00:15:55,314 --> 00:15:56,364
Oh, sure I do.
450
00:15:56,401 --> 00:15:57,918
No, I don't believe in God.
451
00:15:57,994 --> 00:15:59,620
Come on. God.
452
00:15:59,813 --> 00:16:01,461
God is just a security blanket
453
00:16:01,498 --> 00:16:03,998
for people who are still
afraid of the dark.
454
00:16:04,151 --> 00:16:05,789
It's an existential night light
455
00:16:05,826 --> 00:16:07,106
that helps them sleep at night.
456
00:16:07,143 --> 00:16:08,904
The good news is, there's
no monster under the bed.
457
00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:11,254
Bad news is: no God either.
458
00:16:11,348 --> 00:16:12,943
[CHUCKLES]
459
00:16:13,757 --> 00:16:15,257
But, you know, look. What do I know?
460
00:16:15,294 --> 00:16:18,152
I just tried and failed to
jerk off on an Alpine village.
461
00:16:18,189 --> 00:16:21,298
Don't put too much stock
in anything I say.
462
00:16:22,402 --> 00:16:24,668
What do you think happens when you die?
463
00:16:25,972 --> 00:16:28,153
[STAMMERS] I don't know.
464
00:16:28,256 --> 00:16:31,095
Come... I mean, you know,
some things are beyond words.
465
00:16:31,799 --> 00:16:33,704
Come on, man. Don't...
466
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:34,911
Don't do that. Don't...
467
00:16:34,948 --> 00:16:36,431
Don't start lying to me.
468
00:16:36,507 --> 00:16:38,629
- Not at the end.
- [SIGHS]
469
00:16:39,518 --> 00:16:41,051
Okay.
470
00:16:42,749 --> 00:16:44,727
I think you decompose.
471
00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:47,491
I think that the energy in our body
472
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:50,610
is gonna get redistributed
back out into nature.
473
00:16:51,346 --> 00:16:54,355
Atoms that were a million
different things before
474
00:16:54,392 --> 00:16:57,519
are all gonna become a million
different other things again.
475
00:16:58,342 --> 00:17:01,179
I think that a soul
is just consciousness.
476
00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:03,159
And what's consciousness?
477
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:06,548
It's just a shared delusion
created by matter.
478
00:17:08,747 --> 00:17:10,688
That's what I think.
479
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,556
Yeah. Shit.
480
00:17:14,388 --> 00:17:16,496
Me too.
481
00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:19,349
You know,
482
00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:21,826
the worst part, to me,
483
00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:23,879
is the...
484
00:17:23,916 --> 00:17:25,764
just the rotting.
485
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,042
I mean,
486
00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:32,970
everything that I am...
487
00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:37,440
just becoming a big
488
00:17:38,202 --> 00:17:41,019
putrefying puddle.
489
00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:43,709
Hey, man.
490
00:17:43,844 --> 00:17:45,558
You always gotta remember
how lucky you are.
491
00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:46,938
Right?
492
00:17:47,052 --> 00:17:48,888
'Cause, of all the possible lives,
493
00:17:48,925 --> 00:17:51,156
you got to be a baseball man.
494
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,165
That's gotta be in the top
495
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:58,673
.00001% of things
that anybody gets to do.
496
00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:01,975
You were paid
to travel around the world,
497
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,907
you showed up only
when the weather was nice,
498
00:18:03,944 --> 00:18:06,012
you got three months off a year,
499
00:18:06,391 --> 00:18:07,986
and most of all...
500
00:18:08,103 --> 00:18:10,740
you got to play this
beautiful children's game
501
00:18:10,777 --> 00:18:12,728
your whole entire life.
502
00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:15,750
Man, I'd have rather had your life
503
00:18:15,787 --> 00:18:17,841
than the goddamn Queen of England's.
504
00:18:19,386 --> 00:18:22,203
I was always at my best
505
00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:23,849
on a baseball field.
506
00:18:23,949 --> 00:18:25,248
Oh, man.
507
00:18:25,508 --> 00:18:27,267
They're like sacred places.
508
00:18:27,830 --> 00:18:30,094
Lit up, they're just like temples, and
509
00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:33,398
in darkness, they're like cemeteries.
510
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:36,597
[CHUCKLES]
511
00:18:36,756 --> 00:18:38,361
Ah, look at that.
512
00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:40,069
I guess I do believe in something
513
00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:41,639
bigger than myself:
514
00:18:41,786 --> 00:18:43,453
baseball.
515
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:45,977
Yeah.
516
00:18:46,345 --> 00:18:48,219
That's a god I could believe in.
517
00:18:48,256 --> 00:18:50,331
A Baseball God.
518
00:18:50,484 --> 00:18:51,833
Yes.
519
00:18:52,104 --> 00:18:53,424
Yeah, a kind of God
520
00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:56,429
that demands that
all his churches be parks.
521
00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:57,493
[LAUGHS]
522
00:18:57,530 --> 00:18:59,589
God that forces you to play outside
523
00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:00,767
on a nice day.
524
00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:02,901
Yeah. Who doesn't keep time,
525
00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:04,953
because our actions
should determine our fate,
526
00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:07,324
not some stupid clock.
527
00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:10,714
Yeah. A god who keeps us humble
528
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:12,768
by making us play a game
529
00:19:12,805 --> 00:19:15,890
- that's steeped in failure.
- Mm.
530
00:19:17,193 --> 00:19:19,452
That's the kind of God
that I'd worship.
531
00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:23,230
Well, we did.
532
00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:24,846
We do.
533
00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:28,202
We did, didn't we?
534
00:19:29,256 --> 00:19:30,630
Huh.
535
00:19:36,407 --> 00:19:37,848
When my mind was racing
536
00:19:37,931 --> 00:19:40,532
and the yips were just
gripping me tight,
537
00:19:40,653 --> 00:19:43,133
I remember how you said
that the Baseball God
538
00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:45,520
teaches humility through failure.
539
00:19:45,672 --> 00:19:47,433
Now, that's true.
540
00:19:47,737 --> 00:19:50,314
But he's also a God who gives gifts.
541
00:19:50,676 --> 00:19:54,261
A struggling hitter is granted
a swing and bunt single.
542
00:19:54,473 --> 00:19:58,691
A dead-arm pitcher is blessed
by a line drive double play.
543
00:19:58,985 --> 00:20:03,212
Sometimes the Baseball God
deems you worthy of a reprieve.
544
00:20:04,096 --> 00:20:05,412
And I got one.
545
00:20:05,449 --> 00:20:08,678
Well, what I got was a...
it was a hand job.
546
00:20:08,757 --> 00:20:11,871
I just kept whispering to myself
over and over again,
547
00:20:11,908 --> 00:20:13,832
"I'm due. I'm due."
548
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:15,817
It almost became like a prayer.
549
00:20:16,036 --> 00:20:18,153
And my prayer was answered.
550
00:20:18,235 --> 00:20:19,737
A little bit too well.
551
00:20:19,774 --> 00:20:20,784
Wow.
552
00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,748
That is all over my car.
553
00:20:22,826 --> 00:20:25,797
Oh, when the levee breaks,
Mama, you got to move.
554
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:26,884
[LAUGHTER]
555
00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:28,844
And you're still coming.
556
00:20:28,881 --> 00:20:30,065
Yeah, I'm pretty pent up.
557
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,846
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, Maggie,
558
00:20:31,977 --> 00:20:33,050
thank you so much.
559
00:20:33,128 --> 00:20:34,704
[LAUGHTER]
560
00:20:35,897 --> 00:20:38,545
I found my higher power in a hand job.
561
00:20:38,582 --> 00:20:39,976
It was just so stupid
562
00:20:40,013 --> 00:20:41,734
and amazing and, well,
563
00:20:42,004 --> 00:20:44,387
I never got to tell you that
while you were alive, Bat.
564
00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:47,314
Not because we didn't
have that kind of a friendship.
565
00:20:47,428 --> 00:20:49,169
I was more intimate and open with you
566
00:20:49,227 --> 00:20:50,743
than any other man I've ever known.
567
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,165
We just...
568
00:20:52,775 --> 00:20:54,992
We ran out of time, didn't we?
569
00:20:55,908 --> 00:20:57,487
We knew each other for 30 years,
570
00:20:57,524 --> 00:20:59,041
but we only enjoyed
each other's company
571
00:20:59,078 --> 00:21:00,938
the last five weeks.
572
00:21:01,397 --> 00:21:04,557
Most of our friendship
was a complete failure.
573
00:21:04,782 --> 00:21:09,429
But in the end, we were given
a gift from the Baseball God.
574
00:21:10,148 --> 00:21:12,808
One that I will always be grateful for.
575
00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:17,084
I'm gonna miss you, Matt Hardesty.
576
00:21:18,316 --> 00:21:19,960
And don't you worry.
577
00:21:20,233 --> 00:21:22,237
I made sure you wouldn't rot.
578
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,594
[SNIFFLES]
579
00:21:32,996 --> 00:21:34,754
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
580
00:21:34,906 --> 00:21:38,537
[GENTLE MUSIC]
581
00:21:39,124 --> 00:21:40,785
Ah, shit.
582
00:21:41,004 --> 00:21:43,738
A little of you
just went inside my mouth.
583
00:21:45,158 --> 00:21:46,841
Probably your dick.
584
00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:53,272
585
00:21:53,883 --> 00:21:57,241
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
586
00:21:57,291 --> 00:22:01,841
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