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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,891 --> 00:00:10,391 You'd probably really like my ex-wife. 2 00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,601 I mean, most people do. 3 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,186 Well, most men do. 4 00:00:13,223 --> 00:00:14,972 With hindsight, Lucy and I probably should have 5 00:00:15,009 --> 00:00:17,085 gotten to know each other better. 6 00:00:17,163 --> 00:00:18,553 You know, the only things we had in common 7 00:00:18,590 --> 00:00:21,172 were high sex drives and our firm belief 8 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,074 in the film career of David Caruso. 9 00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:26,352 Both of those caused us just years of heartbreak. 10 00:00:26,622 --> 00:00:28,376 All of which couldn't have been avoided 11 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,587 with just a couple of more sober dates like this one. 12 00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,017 [LAUGHS] Yeah. 13 00:00:32,054 --> 00:00:33,849 This is a really sober date. 14 00:00:33,926 --> 00:00:35,021 Just the soberest. 15 00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:36,308 - [LAUGHS] - Isn't it? 16 00:00:36,345 --> 00:00:37,752 Two people out enjoying each other 17 00:00:37,789 --> 00:00:40,565 on a bright, sunny afternoon. 18 00:00:40,815 --> 00:00:43,532 So unbelievably sunny. 19 00:00:43,569 --> 00:00:45,773 Are you sweating from every pore as well? 20 00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:47,234 Yes. 21 00:00:47,356 --> 00:00:49,887 Maybe it's the aerodynamics of this bike? 22 00:00:50,241 --> 00:00:52,648 I feel like we're pedaling an IMAX screen. 23 00:00:52,873 --> 00:00:54,857 [LAUGHS] Well, would you like to, uh, 24 00:00:54,894 --> 00:00:56,903 as the kids say, uh... 25 00:00:57,054 --> 00:00:58,683 pull over and park? 26 00:00:58,755 --> 00:01:01,974 Uh, really? Ooh. 27 00:01:02,037 --> 00:01:05,912 I feel like I'm... every inch of me is sticky. 28 00:01:06,444 --> 00:01:10,481 But sure, yeah, let's make out at 11:00 a.m. 29 00:01:10,518 --> 00:01:11,817 - Yeah? - Yeah. 30 00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:13,744 - What the heck, right? - Okay. 31 00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:16,214 [BOTH SIGH] 32 00:01:18,705 --> 00:01:22,184 Look, I've been dying for you to make a move for weeks. 33 00:01:22,221 --> 00:01:25,664 But it's way too hot for any form of physical embrace. 34 00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,085 Agreed. So, uh... 35 00:01:27,173 --> 00:01:29,698 Well, just lips and tongue then. 36 00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:31,677 - Sure. - Okay. 37 00:01:31,714 --> 00:01:33,204 [LAUGHS] 38 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,483 Uh... 39 00:01:35,634 --> 00:01:38,569 [LIQUID POURING] 40 00:01:40,757 --> 00:01:43,132 - Okay, I'm calling it. - We really tried! 41 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,685 We did. We tried. 42 00:01:44,755 --> 00:01:46,129 [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY] 43 00:01:46,179 --> 00:01:47,951 - [SIGHS] - [PEDALS SQUEAK] 44 00:01:48,396 --> 00:01:51,516 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 45 00:01:51,766 --> 00:01:54,362 I caught that broadcast you and Gabby did. 46 00:01:54,399 --> 00:01:56,748 - Yeah? - That was, uh... unique. 47 00:01:56,913 --> 00:01:58,037 Well, 48 00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,291 we got some nice think pieces out of it. 49 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:02,459 Also some pretty strong backlash, 50 00:02:02,496 --> 00:02:04,445 but then there was a pretty big backlash 51 00:02:04,464 --> 00:02:05,531 to the backlash. 52 00:02:05,568 --> 00:02:07,998 - So... - Hey, listen. 53 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:11,146 You two broadcast a spring training game 54 00:02:11,183 --> 00:02:12,986 and made people give a shit. 55 00:02:13,086 --> 00:02:15,836 They should pin a goddamn medal on both of you. 56 00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,775 I told the Oakland brass 57 00:02:17,927 --> 00:02:19,379 my dying wish is that 58 00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:21,583 you and Gabby take over the TV booth. 59 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,936 Well, boy, Matt, I appreciate that gesture, 60 00:02:23,973 --> 00:02:26,525 but I really wish you would not talk like that. 61 00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:27,786 What? Dying wish? 62 00:02:27,823 --> 00:02:30,270 That's just something you say from a hospital bed 63 00:02:30,307 --> 00:02:31,702 to get what you want. 64 00:02:31,739 --> 00:02:32,812 [CHUCKLES] 65 00:02:32,849 --> 00:02:34,829 Got me that pallet of Dunkaroos. 66 00:02:34,884 --> 00:02:36,994 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 67 00:02:37,186 --> 00:02:38,452 Those things are discontinued. 68 00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:40,298 I mean, it's like I'm eating dodo eggs. 69 00:02:40,335 --> 00:02:42,308 [LAUGHS] Hey. 70 00:02:42,345 --> 00:02:44,047 - Hey, Jim. - Hey, Maggie. 71 00:02:44,084 --> 00:02:45,134 Thank you. 72 00:02:45,171 --> 00:02:46,744 I didn't know you'd be here today. 73 00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:48,459 I am. 74 00:02:49,098 --> 00:02:50,648 How... how are you? 75 00:02:50,759 --> 00:02:52,510 - Good. - Excellent. 76 00:02:52,697 --> 00:02:54,796 - Thank you. - Oh, well, laters. 77 00:02:54,847 --> 00:02:56,481 Mm-hmm. 78 00:02:56,882 --> 00:02:58,291 Wow. 79 00:02:58,423 --> 00:03:00,265 I was gonna ask how the date went, 80 00:03:00,302 --> 00:03:03,411 but it's pretty clear you did not dunk your roo. 81 00:03:03,557 --> 00:03:04,790 Did not. 82 00:03:05,111 --> 00:03:06,732 Yeah, I... she's the first person 83 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,516 I've ever tried to be with in sobriety. 84 00:03:08,553 --> 00:03:10,862 You know, I have absolutely no clue 85 00:03:11,054 --> 00:03:12,180 how to convince somebody 86 00:03:12,217 --> 00:03:14,791 to have sex with me without the aid of alcohol. 87 00:03:14,942 --> 00:03:16,534 You just need practice. 88 00:03:16,591 --> 00:03:18,920 - [CHUCKLES WEAKLY] - Here, I'll help you. 89 00:03:19,128 --> 00:03:20,528 Come on. Try and fuck me. 90 00:03:20,565 --> 00:03:22,004 No. No, no. 91 00:03:22,041 --> 00:03:23,949 No, I take role play very seriously. 92 00:03:24,093 --> 00:03:26,094 Neither of us are in the proper wardrobe, 93 00:03:26,131 --> 00:03:28,686 and my wig guy is still in Baltimore, so... 94 00:03:28,762 --> 00:03:30,204 What... what are you afraid of? 95 00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:31,782 Come on. Don't be a pussy. 96 00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:34,266 I'm already in bed half naked, 97 00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,354 Come on, see if you can get your dick sucked. 98 00:03:37,664 --> 00:03:40,072 - Make a move. Let's go. - Uh, all right. 99 00:03:40,414 --> 00:03:42,005 Hey, hey. 100 00:03:42,086 --> 00:03:43,844 Jeez, what... get... No! 101 00:03:43,922 --> 00:03:46,277 - Ew! Gross. Pass! - Come on. 102 00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,231 Just grabbing a handful of titty? 103 00:03:48,303 --> 00:03:51,110 I'm not your whore, Brockmire. 104 00:03:51,262 --> 00:03:52,444 Try it again. 105 00:03:52,668 --> 00:03:54,809 Remember I'm a goddamn lady. 106 00:03:55,247 --> 00:03:57,073 Hang on. You got a little eyelash there. 107 00:03:57,119 --> 00:03:58,226 Hold on. 108 00:03:58,263 --> 00:04:00,202 Oh, I see. You're doing "eyelash"? 109 00:04:00,279 --> 00:04:02,279 - Are you kidding me? - What? 110 00:04:02,357 --> 00:04:03,706 What are you, the Fonz? 111 00:04:03,782 --> 00:04:06,027 - Oh, all right. - Do I look like Pinky Tuscadero? 112 00:04:06,064 --> 00:04:08,750 Get out of 1974, you desperate hack. 113 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,562 God, you're terrible at this! 114 00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,068 I told you that I was. 115 00:04:12,105 --> 00:04:13,942 Look. All right. Let's just try this. 116 00:04:14,022 --> 00:04:16,644 This'll be another unique experience for you. 117 00:04:16,795 --> 00:04:18,032 Be honest. 118 00:04:18,069 --> 00:04:20,345 Tell her you want her 119 00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:23,007 to take your sober virginity, 120 00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,723 - but you're scared. - [SIGHS] 121 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,692 The vulnerability angle worked great for me 122 00:04:27,729 --> 00:04:29,832 when I first got diagnosed with cancer. 123 00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,212 Got a ton of ass. 124 00:04:31,249 --> 00:04:32,554 Weren't you still married to Meegan 125 00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:34,258 when you were first diagnosed? 126 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:35,831 Yeah, we had one of those marriages 127 00:04:35,868 --> 00:04:38,218 where we both agreed to be terrible people. 128 00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:41,183 I had one of those. 129 00:04:41,537 --> 00:04:44,413 Well, she had that agreement. 130 00:04:46,050 --> 00:04:47,958 So you ready to go get dinner? 131 00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:49,505 You know, before we go out, 132 00:04:49,542 --> 00:04:50,782 do you mind if I take a shower? 133 00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:52,808 I came here straight from work. 134 00:04:52,996 --> 00:04:54,404 - Here? - Mm-hmm. 135 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,342 - Now? - Yeah. 136 00:04:56,494 --> 00:04:58,571 Yeah, sure. Go right ahead. 137 00:04:58,645 --> 00:05:00,512 There's towels and stuff in there. 138 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,469 Okay. 139 00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:06,343 So I'll just be naked in there 140 00:05:06,921 --> 00:05:08,587 should you need anything. 141 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:12,077 It'd be weird if you weren't. 142 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,173 I mean, wouldn't it? 143 00:05:15,327 --> 00:05:16,925 Yeah. 144 00:05:21,711 --> 00:05:23,318 Okay. 145 00:05:23,759 --> 00:05:25,653 Am I missing something? 146 00:05:25,851 --> 00:05:26,956 - Whoa! - Oh! 147 00:05:26,999 --> 00:05:28,203 I forgot Clemenza was in there. 148 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,410 So sorry about that. 149 00:05:29,447 --> 00:05:30,899 It's all right. You can shower with him. 150 00:05:30,936 --> 00:05:32,637 He likes to wet his little toesies. 151 00:05:32,713 --> 00:05:35,280 Just... if he starts nipping at you, he's not kidding around. 152 00:05:35,317 --> 00:05:38,024 That's his one flaw. He lacks a sense of humor. 153 00:05:38,121 --> 00:05:40,561 Uh, can you get him out of here? 154 00:05:40,598 --> 00:05:41,796 Oh, of course. 155 00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:43,446 My bad. I am so sorry. 156 00:05:43,483 --> 00:05:44,673 Come on, Clemenza. 157 00:05:44,751 --> 00:05:46,179 [GRUNTS] 158 00:05:46,286 --> 00:05:49,028 Not nice to scare the nice lady. 159 00:05:49,147 --> 00:05:50,981 It's not funny. 160 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,850 You know, I've been looking for the right moment 161 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,650 to talk to you about our whole deal here. 162 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,361 The thing is, I've never had a relationship sober. 163 00:05:57,513 --> 00:05:59,280 Boy, I've never even had sex sober. 164 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,467 Yeah, come to think of it, 165 00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:02,792 I don't think I have ever seen a naked woman... 166 00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,685 Say, how are you? 167 00:06:04,722 --> 00:06:05,519 'Cause that... 168 00:06:05,556 --> 00:06:07,113 - I like every bit of that. - [LAUGHS] 169 00:06:07,239 --> 00:06:09,514 Shut up and kiss me, please. 170 00:06:09,917 --> 00:06:12,028 Absolutely. 171 00:06:12,065 --> 00:06:13,980 [LAUGHS] Mm. 172 00:06:14,226 --> 00:06:17,647 Hey, before we get into this, I have a confession to make. 173 00:06:17,706 --> 00:06:20,194 I used to listen to your podcast all the time. 174 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:24,130 I just... I didn't want you to see me as some weird groupie. 175 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,490 Oh, no. I love groupies. 176 00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,044 - [LAUGHS] - No, seriously. 177 00:06:28,081 --> 00:06:29,742 They guarantee that at least one person 178 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,295 in this relationship likes me. 179 00:06:31,332 --> 00:06:32,424 [LAUGHS] 180 00:06:32,461 --> 00:06:34,370 All those stories you used to tell 181 00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:37,841 about your sexual exploits around the world... 182 00:06:37,905 --> 00:06:40,571 - Yeah. - Really turned me on. 183 00:06:40,997 --> 00:06:42,378 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 184 00:06:42,456 --> 00:06:46,062 Well, then allow me to introduce you 185 00:06:46,099 --> 00:06:49,946 to a veritable buffet of sexual delights. 186 00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:53,926 A smorgasbord of orgasm-inducing delicacies 187 00:06:54,078 --> 00:06:55,737 from around the globe. 188 00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:58,467 I'm talking about the Chi-Town Get-Down. 189 00:06:58,578 --> 00:07:00,957 A Thousand and One A-Labian Nights. 190 00:07:00,994 --> 00:07:02,720 Ooh, the Bangkok Bang Cock. 191 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,683 The Bangkok Tangkok. 192 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:05,855 Now, that last one, that involves 193 00:07:05,931 --> 00:07:07,189 us going to the store to get Tang. 194 00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:08,340 But, uh, it's worth it. 195 00:07:08,688 --> 00:07:09,770 Hey. 196 00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,333 - Nothing's happening down there. - I know. 197 00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:12,424 Is everything okay? 198 00:07:12,461 --> 00:07:14,460 My penis normally jumps up, 199 00:07:14,497 --> 00:07:16,029 like a rambunctious golden retriever 200 00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:17,159 on his way to the park. 201 00:07:17,196 --> 00:07:18,432 Could I give it a try myself? 202 00:07:18,469 --> 00:07:19,959 - Sure. - I call this maneuver. 203 00:07:19,996 --> 00:07:21,863 "Billy Joel's the Stranger." 204 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,163 See, 'cause I go in lefty. 205 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,332 Okay. 206 00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:25,505 Um... 207 00:07:25,542 --> 00:07:27,080 - I have an idea. - Yeah. 208 00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:29,854 I'd like to take my penis and fold it in half 209 00:07:29,935 --> 00:07:32,873 and just kind of jam it on in there with my thumb 210 00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:35,315 in hopes that once it gets wet it will expand 211 00:07:35,352 --> 00:07:37,492 like one of those fun dinosaur sponges. 212 00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:39,267 What do you say? 213 00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:40,705 Give it a try? 214 00:07:40,984 --> 00:07:42,892 - Cool. Yeah. - It could work. 215 00:07:43,932 --> 00:07:46,044 Okay. 216 00:07:46,359 --> 00:07:47,862 [GRUNTS] Okay. 217 00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,271 Boy, I am so sorry. 218 00:07:49,308 --> 00:07:50,849 So I'ma stop. 219 00:07:50,886 --> 00:07:52,810 And I'm gonna work through my shame 220 00:07:52,904 --> 00:07:53,954 by going down on you. 221 00:07:53,991 --> 00:07:55,105 So, you know, 222 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,415 clear out your next couple hours. 223 00:07:56,452 --> 00:07:57,731 Because my overcompensation 224 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,785 is gonna become your erotic marathon! 225 00:08:00,957 --> 00:08:02,308 Here I go. 226 00:08:03,181 --> 00:08:04,604 - [CLEARS THROAT] - All right. 227 00:08:04,682 --> 00:08:06,365 Just getting into position. 228 00:08:06,517 --> 00:08:08,200 Hello, my hooded friend. 229 00:08:08,352 --> 00:08:10,702 Okay. 230 00:08:11,149 --> 00:08:12,568 Okay. 231 00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:17,178 I mean, I don't like to toot my pussy-eating horn here, 232 00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:19,594 but it was... No, it was a bravura performance. 233 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,071 She would have given me a standing O, 234 00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:22,876 well, if her legs had still worked. 235 00:08:22,913 --> 00:08:25,823 But... even my enjoyment at her total 236 00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:27,418 and complete satisfaction 237 00:08:27,455 --> 00:08:30,095 could not rouse my hibernating hog. 238 00:08:30,132 --> 00:08:32,685 It was just... it was devastating, people. 239 00:08:32,877 --> 00:08:33,987 You know. 240 00:08:34,143 --> 00:08:36,061 I mean, I'm sure I'm not the only man in here 241 00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:37,425 to have dealt with impotence. 242 00:08:37,462 --> 00:08:39,173 I mean, am I right, guys? 243 00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:42,718 Hmm? Really, guys? 244 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,480 I mean, there's more handicap placards out there than cars. 245 00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:48,090 But in this room full of medical maladies, 246 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,307 I'm the only human being to have dealt with this issue. 247 00:08:50,394 --> 00:08:52,020 Is that what you're telling me? 248 00:08:52,463 --> 00:08:54,037 Larry? 249 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:56,173 Look at me, Larry. 250 00:08:56,325 --> 00:08:58,041 I'm looking at you, Larry. 251 00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:00,494 Because you're an elderly gentleman 252 00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:02,188 with circulatory problems 253 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,789 who's battling prostate cancer, 254 00:09:03,933 --> 00:09:05,337 yet somehow, some way, 255 00:09:05,374 --> 00:09:07,207 you're just hard as a rock down there on demand? 256 00:09:07,244 --> 00:09:08,385 Is that it? 257 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,687 Jim. 258 00:09:10,044 --> 00:09:12,181 They had to amputate your foot, Larry. 259 00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:14,955 'Cause not enough blood was flowing to it. 260 00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:16,998 Probably all just pooling there 261 00:09:17,035 --> 00:09:18,816 in your rock-hard Johnson, huh? 262 00:09:18,888 --> 00:09:19,938 Come on, Jim. 263 00:09:19,975 --> 00:09:21,272 Are you hard right now, Larry? 264 00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,567 Jim, knock it off. 265 00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:24,129 If we wheeled you into the center of the room, 266 00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:25,612 could we play ring-toss with it? 267 00:09:25,722 --> 00:09:27,422 - Jim! - Larry! 268 00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:28,897 Jim! 269 00:09:30,025 --> 00:09:31,625 Larry! 270 00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,358 Have some regrets about the way I handled things with Larry. 271 00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:38,107 I do think that most of his tears 272 00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,585 were due to his time in Nam, though. 273 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,972 Well, you know, you have only yourself to blame. 274 00:09:42,418 --> 00:09:45,669 A man with anxiety so bad he can't count out loud 275 00:09:45,789 --> 00:09:48,300 should not be trying to get a boner in front of a stranger. 276 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,086 Well, I've never had the dick yips, Shirley. 277 00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,227 Mm-hmm. Sure. 278 00:09:51,264 --> 00:09:52,588 - I haven't. - Okay. 279 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:55,256 A woman once chipped her tooth on my whiskey dick 280 00:09:55,293 --> 00:09:57,327 during a particularly sloppy blowjob. 281 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,199 Well, maybe your penis is trying to tell you 282 00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:00,470 that it's too soon to date. 283 00:10:00,753 --> 00:10:01,994 You're still working the steps. 284 00:10:02,031 --> 00:10:04,241 So what, my dick has a moral compass now? 285 00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:06,799 After all the appalling things it's had me do? 286 00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,430 A month ago, it made me fuck a croissant. 287 00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:10,904 I'm so in my head with this thing, 288 00:10:10,941 --> 00:10:12,850 I can't even get it up to masturbate anymore. 289 00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:14,018 Can you believe that? 290 00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:15,986 My dong is like some kind of 291 00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:18,525 sad little one-eyed Charlie Brown 292 00:10:18,562 --> 00:10:20,740 that's too depressed to even lift his head up. 293 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,750 God, I wish the program allowed me to take Viagra. 294 00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:24,964 Well, it does, 295 00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:27,044 as long as it's not a trigger for you. 296 00:10:27,116 --> 00:10:28,766 Me, I never have abused it. 297 00:10:28,869 --> 00:10:30,035 I mean, every time I took it, 298 00:10:30,072 --> 00:10:31,495 I went on a crystal meth bender. 299 00:10:31,532 --> 00:10:33,424 But that was only, like, eight or ten times a year. 300 00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:34,888 So no Viagra. 301 00:10:35,215 --> 00:10:37,337 Jim, I'm thinking that we've reached 302 00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:40,009 the point in your recovery where it's time for you 303 00:10:40,046 --> 00:10:42,521 to take some responsibility for your own solutions. 304 00:10:43,038 --> 00:10:44,868 Yeah? So what do you think 305 00:10:44,909 --> 00:10:46,387 would make a good fix? 306 00:10:46,424 --> 00:10:48,029 Well, I still haven't found a higher power 307 00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:49,273 that I can believe in, I mean, 308 00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:50,953 without rolling my eyes anyway. 309 00:10:50,990 --> 00:10:53,182 But I'm just gonna have to let go of the wheel 310 00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,854 and let something else take control 311 00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,821 or I'm never gonna quiet my mind 312 00:10:56,858 --> 00:10:59,452 and be free of this anxiety, am I? 313 00:11:01,062 --> 00:11:02,991 That was right. I just got that right, didn't I? 314 00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:05,145 Holy shit! I'm starting to get it. 315 00:11:05,224 --> 00:11:06,420 That is great. 316 00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:08,815 You are now emotionally 18. 317 00:11:08,949 --> 00:11:11,616 But do you mind if I skip the part 318 00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:14,324 where I bang the alcoholic epiphany gong? 319 00:11:14,361 --> 00:11:15,969 'Cause I really gotta pick up my kid. 320 00:11:16,006 --> 00:11:17,264 I'm guessing you, uh, 321 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,701 you weren't a cheerleader in high school, 322 00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:19,837 - Am I right, Shirley? - No. 323 00:11:19,874 --> 00:11:21,110 I did once stab a cheerleader 324 00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:22,786 with a pencil once in eighth grade. 325 00:11:22,862 --> 00:11:24,429 'Cause the bitch stole my lighter. 326 00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,765 I gotta go. 327 00:11:27,361 --> 00:11:29,818 My sponsor, ladies and gentlemen. 328 00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:31,770 So long. 329 00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:36,023 I know it's been a drought, but don't worry. 330 00:11:36,199 --> 00:11:39,191 A storm is coming to drop 6 3/4 inches 331 00:11:39,286 --> 00:11:41,160 right on your head. 332 00:11:41,373 --> 00:11:42,589 Come on, Jim. 333 00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:44,333 Cum all over these people's faces. 334 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,961 They want you to! 335 00:11:47,593 --> 00:11:48,897 God dammit, Brockmire. 336 00:11:49,026 --> 00:11:50,264 The town is counting on you. 337 00:11:50,341 --> 00:11:54,019 If there's no snow, the whole economy is ruined. 338 00:11:55,032 --> 00:11:57,294 The winter season keeps these people afloat, Jim. 339 00:11:57,331 --> 00:11:58,555 Come on. Come on! 340 00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,616 All right, I'm definitely putting 341 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,761 too much pressure on myself now. 342 00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:05,935 - Hey. - Hey. 343 00:12:05,972 --> 00:12:08,166 I'm off work in an hour. 344 00:12:08,225 --> 00:12:09,518 Oh, Maggie. 345 00:12:09,555 --> 00:12:11,793 At this point, I'm like Wile E. Coyote 346 00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:14,538 and your vagina is a tunnel painted on a mountain. 347 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,853 I want very much to be inside, 348 00:12:16,890 --> 00:12:18,987 but physics is against me. 349 00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:22,627 Well, I still want to see you tonight. 350 00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:25,206 I just enjoy spending time with you. 351 00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,718 It's comfortable, like 352 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,835 dating an old leather chair. 353 00:12:28,912 --> 00:12:30,245 [CHUCKLES] Well, 354 00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:32,023 you do always have a standing offer 355 00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,914 to sit right there on my face. 356 00:12:34,015 --> 00:12:35,166 [LAUGHS] 357 00:12:35,203 --> 00:12:36,892 You don't have to constantly offer 358 00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:38,018 to go down on me. 359 00:12:38,055 --> 00:12:39,416 We can just talk. 360 00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:41,877 Or, more realistically, you can talk and I can listen. 361 00:12:41,996 --> 00:12:44,700 And if you feel like trying again, 362 00:12:45,116 --> 00:12:46,385 we can. 363 00:12:46,552 --> 00:12:47,675 That's very sweet. 364 00:12:47,712 --> 00:12:49,712 And of course I would love to see you tonight. 365 00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:52,692 And I appreciate your patience with me. 366 00:12:52,928 --> 00:12:54,957 You know, it's been a long time since I liked anyone. 367 00:12:54,994 --> 00:12:56,775 And, uh, well, 368 00:12:56,949 --> 00:12:58,240 I want you to be in my life, 369 00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,378 even after Matt goes home. 370 00:13:01,644 --> 00:13:02,988 What? 371 00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,041 Well, Matt's not going home. 372 00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:06,789 What do you mean? 373 00:13:07,673 --> 00:13:10,785 The cancer, it spread to his organs. 374 00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:12,637 It has? 375 00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:15,432 - Since when? - About two weeks. 376 00:13:15,702 --> 00:13:18,059 He never said anything. 377 00:13:18,468 --> 00:13:20,606 How long does he have? 378 00:13:21,591 --> 00:13:23,056 Not very long. 379 00:13:23,557 --> 00:13:24,700 I'm only telling you now 380 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,060 because you're the only person he talks to. 381 00:13:27,188 --> 00:13:29,906 I think it's just gonna be you there at the end. 382 00:13:31,191 --> 00:13:32,732 Okay, god. 383 00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:35,039 You know, I think this is the first time 384 00:13:35,076 --> 00:13:36,325 in my life I've ever been asked 385 00:13:36,362 --> 00:13:38,104 to give somebody comfort. 386 00:13:38,634 --> 00:13:40,975 I'm curious to finally hear what gets said after. 387 00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:43,530 "Jim, that's enough. You need to leave." 388 00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,948 So right there on the... on the Christmas Village? 389 00:13:52,985 --> 00:13:55,228 - Right there. - Do you aim? 390 00:13:55,386 --> 00:13:56,507 No, I don't aim. 391 00:13:56,582 --> 00:13:58,361 Where it lands is just an act of God. 392 00:13:58,398 --> 00:13:59,537 Or, well, it was, 393 00:13:59,574 --> 00:14:01,322 until my dick died. 394 00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,161 - Yeah. - [GROANS] 395 00:14:03,238 --> 00:14:04,754 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 396 00:14:04,791 --> 00:14:06,546 I haven't been able to get it up for 397 00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:08,474 a couple of months. 398 00:14:08,541 --> 00:14:09,601 That actually does. 399 00:14:09,638 --> 00:14:10,688 - Yeah? - Yeah. 400 00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:12,654 The damn thing just lies there. 401 00:14:12,691 --> 00:14:14,810 Hold me... Holy cats and jammers. 402 00:14:14,847 --> 00:14:16,527 [LAUGHS] My g... I... 403 00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:18,224 Wow. I feel like I should salute it. 404 00:14:18,261 --> 00:14:20,261 Because it's a flag pole, sir. 405 00:14:20,342 --> 00:14:22,000 Please tell me it doesn't get any longer; 406 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,375 it just plumps up like a Ballpark Frank. 407 00:14:24,412 --> 00:14:25,425 [LAUGHS] 408 00:14:25,462 --> 00:14:26,968 I get another couple inches. 409 00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:28,118 What? 410 00:14:28,155 --> 00:14:29,193 I mean, come on. 411 00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,428 How does that even work? 412 00:14:30,465 --> 00:14:31,872 Well, it doesn't, really. 413 00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:34,188 That's the cosmic joke of it all. 414 00:14:34,225 --> 00:14:37,607 It is a terribly designed tool for the job. 415 00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:39,445 It's like using a hammer to knit. 416 00:14:39,531 --> 00:14:40,591 [LAUGHS] 417 00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:43,565 I mean, women like to experience it once. 418 00:14:43,602 --> 00:14:45,764 You know, as a fun story to tell their friends, 419 00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:48,824 but they don't generally come back for seconds. 420 00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:50,992 - [SCOFFS] - You know... 421 00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:53,203 I've never told anybody this. 422 00:14:54,374 --> 00:14:55,922 I have never, 423 00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:58,573 not once in my entire life, 424 00:14:58,819 --> 00:15:02,260 been fully inside a woman. 425 00:15:03,289 --> 00:15:04,723 Boy, that's heartbreaking. 426 00:15:04,814 --> 00:15:07,442 No, 'cause I'm picturing it now. 427 00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:09,126 I mean, your balls just going 428 00:15:09,163 --> 00:15:12,062 back and forth in the air like that alone, 429 00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:15,133 like abandoned twins on a swing set. 430 00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:16,278 [CHUCKLES] 431 00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:18,390 Basically every time I've had sex, 432 00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:21,902 neither one of us has really enjoyed it. 433 00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:25,969 God damn, no wonder I have intimacy issues. 434 00:15:26,255 --> 00:15:28,129 - [SIGHS] - [SCOFFS] 435 00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:31,016 Okay, enough about my pathetic love life. 436 00:15:31,077 --> 00:15:32,926 How about your pathetic love life? 437 00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:34,711 - [GROANS] - You got a... 438 00:15:34,748 --> 00:15:35,950 plan of attack there? 439 00:15:35,987 --> 00:15:38,154 How are you gonna fix your little limp friend? 440 00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:39,692 Oh, I don't know. 441 00:15:39,729 --> 00:15:42,189 Uh, you know, I'm in uncharted territory here. 442 00:15:42,351 --> 00:15:44,011 I mean, I can't seem to be able to 443 00:15:44,071 --> 00:15:45,311 do anything about it myself, 444 00:15:45,348 --> 00:15:47,447 so I guess I just have to let go 445 00:15:47,484 --> 00:15:49,347 and see what the universe can do? I don't know. 446 00:15:49,384 --> 00:15:51,161 The program wants me to believe 447 00:15:51,198 --> 00:15:53,699 in something bigger than myself. 448 00:15:53,891 --> 00:15:55,231 You don't believe in God? 449 00:15:55,314 --> 00:15:56,364 Oh, sure I do. 450 00:15:56,401 --> 00:15:57,918 No, I don't believe in God. 451 00:15:57,994 --> 00:15:59,620 Come on. God. 452 00:15:59,813 --> 00:16:01,461 God is just a security blanket 453 00:16:01,498 --> 00:16:03,998 for people who are still afraid of the dark. 454 00:16:04,151 --> 00:16:05,789 It's an existential night light 455 00:16:05,826 --> 00:16:07,106 that helps them sleep at night. 456 00:16:07,143 --> 00:16:08,904 The good news is, there's no monster under the bed. 457 00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:11,254 Bad news is: no God either. 458 00:16:11,348 --> 00:16:12,943 [CHUCKLES] 459 00:16:13,757 --> 00:16:15,257 But, you know, look. What do I know? 460 00:16:15,294 --> 00:16:18,152 I just tried and failed to jerk off on an Alpine village. 461 00:16:18,189 --> 00:16:21,298 Don't put too much stock in anything I say. 462 00:16:22,402 --> 00:16:24,668 What do you think happens when you die? 463 00:16:25,972 --> 00:16:28,153 [STAMMERS] I don't know. 464 00:16:28,256 --> 00:16:31,095 Come... I mean, you know, some things are beyond words. 465 00:16:31,799 --> 00:16:33,704 Come on, man. Don't... 466 00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:34,911 Don't do that. Don't... 467 00:16:34,948 --> 00:16:36,431 Don't start lying to me. 468 00:16:36,507 --> 00:16:38,629 - Not at the end. - [SIGHS] 469 00:16:39,518 --> 00:16:41,051 Okay. 470 00:16:42,749 --> 00:16:44,727 I think you decompose. 471 00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:47,491 I think that the energy in our body 472 00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:50,610 is gonna get redistributed back out into nature. 473 00:16:51,346 --> 00:16:54,355 Atoms that were a million different things before 474 00:16:54,392 --> 00:16:57,519 are all gonna become a million different other things again. 475 00:16:58,342 --> 00:17:01,179 I think that a soul is just consciousness. 476 00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:03,159 And what's consciousness? 477 00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:06,548 It's just a shared delusion created by matter. 478 00:17:08,747 --> 00:17:10,688 That's what I think. 479 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,556 Yeah. Shit. 480 00:17:14,388 --> 00:17:16,496 Me too. 481 00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:19,349 You know, 482 00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:21,826 the worst part, to me, 483 00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:23,879 is the... 484 00:17:23,916 --> 00:17:25,764 just the rotting. 485 00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,042 I mean, 486 00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:32,970 everything that I am... 487 00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:37,440 just becoming a big 488 00:17:38,202 --> 00:17:41,019 putrefying puddle. 489 00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:43,709 Hey, man. 490 00:17:43,844 --> 00:17:45,558 You always gotta remember how lucky you are. 491 00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:46,938 Right? 492 00:17:47,052 --> 00:17:48,888 'Cause, of all the possible lives, 493 00:17:48,925 --> 00:17:51,156 you got to be a baseball man. 494 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,165 That's gotta be in the top 495 00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:58,673 .00001% of things that anybody gets to do. 496 00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:01,975 You were paid to travel around the world, 497 00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,907 you showed up only when the weather was nice, 498 00:18:03,944 --> 00:18:06,012 you got three months off a year, 499 00:18:06,391 --> 00:18:07,986 and most of all... 500 00:18:08,103 --> 00:18:10,740 you got to play this beautiful children's game 501 00:18:10,777 --> 00:18:12,728 your whole entire life. 502 00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:15,750 Man, I'd have rather had your life 503 00:18:15,787 --> 00:18:17,841 than the goddamn Queen of England's. 504 00:18:19,386 --> 00:18:22,203 I was always at my best 505 00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:23,849 on a baseball field. 506 00:18:23,949 --> 00:18:25,248 Oh, man. 507 00:18:25,508 --> 00:18:27,267 They're like sacred places. 508 00:18:27,830 --> 00:18:30,094 Lit up, they're just like temples, and 509 00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:33,398 in darkness, they're like cemeteries. 510 00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:36,597 [CHUCKLES] 511 00:18:36,756 --> 00:18:38,361 Ah, look at that. 512 00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:40,069 I guess I do believe in something 513 00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:41,639 bigger than myself: 514 00:18:41,786 --> 00:18:43,453 baseball. 515 00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:45,977 Yeah. 516 00:18:46,345 --> 00:18:48,219 That's a god I could believe in. 517 00:18:48,256 --> 00:18:50,331 A Baseball God. 518 00:18:50,484 --> 00:18:51,833 Yes. 519 00:18:52,104 --> 00:18:53,424 Yeah, a kind of God 520 00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:56,429 that demands that all his churches be parks. 521 00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:57,493 [LAUGHS] 522 00:18:57,530 --> 00:18:59,589 God that forces you to play outside 523 00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:00,767 on a nice day. 524 00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:02,901 Yeah. Who doesn't keep time, 525 00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:04,953 because our actions should determine our fate, 526 00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:07,324 not some stupid clock. 527 00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:10,714 Yeah. A god who keeps us humble 528 00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:12,768 by making us play a game 529 00:19:12,805 --> 00:19:15,890 - that's steeped in failure. - Mm. 530 00:19:17,193 --> 00:19:19,452 That's the kind of God that I'd worship. 531 00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:23,230 Well, we did. 532 00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:24,846 We do. 533 00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:28,202 We did, didn't we? 534 00:19:29,256 --> 00:19:30,630 Huh. 535 00:19:36,407 --> 00:19:37,848 When my mind was racing 536 00:19:37,931 --> 00:19:40,532 and the yips were just gripping me tight, 537 00:19:40,653 --> 00:19:43,133 I remember how you said that the Baseball God 538 00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:45,520 teaches humility through failure. 539 00:19:45,672 --> 00:19:47,433 Now, that's true. 540 00:19:47,737 --> 00:19:50,314 But he's also a God who gives gifts. 541 00:19:50,676 --> 00:19:54,261 A struggling hitter is granted a swing and bunt single. 542 00:19:54,473 --> 00:19:58,691 A dead-arm pitcher is blessed by a line drive double play. 543 00:19:58,985 --> 00:20:03,212 Sometimes the Baseball God deems you worthy of a reprieve. 544 00:20:04,096 --> 00:20:05,412 And I got one. 545 00:20:05,449 --> 00:20:08,678 Well, what I got was a... it was a hand job. 546 00:20:08,757 --> 00:20:11,871 I just kept whispering to myself over and over again, 547 00:20:11,908 --> 00:20:13,832 "I'm due. I'm due." 548 00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:15,817 It almost became like a prayer. 549 00:20:16,036 --> 00:20:18,153 And my prayer was answered. 550 00:20:18,235 --> 00:20:19,737 A little bit too well. 551 00:20:19,774 --> 00:20:20,784 Wow. 552 00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,748 That is all over my car. 553 00:20:22,826 --> 00:20:25,797 Oh, when the levee breaks, Mama, you got to move. 554 00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:26,884 [LAUGHTER] 555 00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:28,844 And you're still coming. 556 00:20:28,881 --> 00:20:30,065 Yeah, I'm pretty pent up. 557 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,846 - [LAUGHS] - Oh, Maggie, 558 00:20:31,977 --> 00:20:33,050 thank you so much. 559 00:20:33,128 --> 00:20:34,704 [LAUGHTER] 560 00:20:35,897 --> 00:20:38,545 I found my higher power in a hand job. 561 00:20:38,582 --> 00:20:39,976 It was just so stupid 562 00:20:40,013 --> 00:20:41,734 and amazing and, well, 563 00:20:42,004 --> 00:20:44,387 I never got to tell you that while you were alive, Bat. 564 00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:47,314 Not because we didn't have that kind of a friendship. 565 00:20:47,428 --> 00:20:49,169 I was more intimate and open with you 566 00:20:49,227 --> 00:20:50,743 than any other man I've ever known. 567 00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,165 We just... 568 00:20:52,775 --> 00:20:54,992 We ran out of time, didn't we? 569 00:20:55,908 --> 00:20:57,487 We knew each other for 30 years, 570 00:20:57,524 --> 00:20:59,041 but we only enjoyed each other's company 571 00:20:59,078 --> 00:21:00,938 the last five weeks. 572 00:21:01,397 --> 00:21:04,557 Most of our friendship was a complete failure. 573 00:21:04,782 --> 00:21:09,429 But in the end, we were given a gift from the Baseball God. 574 00:21:10,148 --> 00:21:12,808 One that I will always be grateful for. 575 00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:17,084 I'm gonna miss you, Matt Hardesty. 576 00:21:18,316 --> 00:21:19,960 And don't you worry. 577 00:21:20,233 --> 00:21:22,237 I made sure you wouldn't rot. 578 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,594 [SNIFFLES] 579 00:21:32,996 --> 00:21:34,754 [SIGHS, SNIFFLES] 580 00:21:34,906 --> 00:21:38,537 [GENTLE MUSIC] 581 00:21:39,124 --> 00:21:40,785 Ah, shit. 582 00:21:41,004 --> 00:21:43,738 A little of you just went inside my mouth. 583 00:21:45,158 --> 00:21:46,841 Probably your dick. 584 00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:53,272 585 00:21:53,883 --> 00:21:57,241 synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com 586 00:21:57,291 --> 00:22:01,841 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40663

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