All language subtitles for A.Madea_.Family.Funeral.2019.HDCAM_.x264-WaTcHeRs-HI

Subtitles by explosiveskull

- WILL: All right.
- SYLVIA: All right.

SYLVIA: Oh, my God.

Come on.

(SINGSONG) Hello.

Hey!

Hey, sis! You made it.

- Oh, yes, I did.
- Mmm! (CHUCKLES)

- WILL: Hey.
- Will, you look good.

Oh, I didn't know
you were helping!

- RENEE: Yes, I wanted to.
- Aw.

Renee has been right here,
helping us with Mama and Daddy.

Oh, stop.

What's up, what's up?

SYLVIA: Ah.

Well, hey there,
little brother.

- What's up?
- Uh-huh.

- You lookin' happy. (LAUGHS)
- All right, all right.

I am. I'm engaged.

- Oh, well, congrats!
- Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

(COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, she clearly
ain't too fond of her.

- How'd you meet her?
- CAROL: She works with A.J.

And he's not too fond
of her either.

Hey, congrats, man.

JESSIE: Thank you.

I'll tell you
about it later.

I'm sure you will.

Wow, this looks great.

Renee brought the flowers.

Oh! Mama's gonna love these.

- (SNIFFS)
- She will.

- Mmm.
- Daddy, too.

Thank you so much
for helping us, Renee.

I would do anything
for your mama and daddy.

- I love 'em so much.
- I know.

You always have.

So, are you picking up
the cake?

No. Uncle Heathrow said he got
somebody to take care of it.

What? (SCOFFS)
No. No way. Oh, no.

- No. That's not happening.
- JESSIE: What's wrong?

You know he's half-crazy.

(ELECTRONIC VOICE)
I heard that.

Uncle Heathrow!
Who's picking up the cake?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE)
Don't worry about it.

I wanted to do something,
so I got it covered.

Oh, okay. (CHUCKLING)

We can't let him get that cake.

How about you pick up
the crackers?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE)
I'm bringing the cake.

Let him do it.

It's their anniversary.
It's too important.

Give him something to do.

The cake will be
sexually explicit. No!

You right, it will be sexually explicit.
I want a old chick on a cat.

- (WOMEN EXCLAIM)
- CAROL: That's it.

I'm calling Donovan.

Okay. We'll just
have a backup.

Of course.

So, is this fiancee of yours
coming to the anniversary party?

Yes.

Good. We'll get
to meet her, then.

That's right. Thank you.

And you,

don't start with me, okay?

I won't.

Uh-huh. Or her, either.

Thank you.

You know, she's just always
looking out for us.

JESSIE: I know.

Sometimes too much.

Hey, somebody need
to wash their ass.

(SNICKERS)
Did he just say that?

Girl, you know him.
He always says what's on his mind.

I don't know,
he kinda funny.

When you jacked-up like this,
all you can do is laugh, and hump,

- and screw.
- Hey, Uncle Heathrow.

HEATHROW: Hey. How are you?

SYLVIA: I'm good.

Okay, great. Who are you?

I'm Sylvia,
your granddaughter?

And that's
my husband, Will.

(SIGHS)

You just ruined
a crippled man dream.

- RENEE: Oh!
- (CHUCKLING)

Is Madea and Joe here yet?

You invited them?

Hell, yes, I did.

(SCOFFS) This is supposed
to be for family.

They are family.
You married into this.

You are not family.

- You a in-law.
- Yeah, they should be here.

You know how
Daddy feels about them.

Hey, they're still family.
And they're funny. (CHUCKLES)

- (SYLVIA LAUGHS)
- If you say so.

Look, this is
a special anniversary.

Oh, anniversary is crazy.
Don't ever get married.

That's a waste of time.

Well, uh, I'm getting married.

Oh, congratulations.
What's his name?

I ain't gay, Uncle Heathrow.

Then why are your pants
so tight?

(ALL LAUGH)

That's it.
Get out. Out!

That's it, son.

Get out. Of the closet.

(ALL GASP)

Look, I have a beautiful
fiancee, all right?

And you will get a chance
to meet her this weekend.

And I love her, just like
you loved our grandmother.

I was so happy
when she died.

Losing my legs was easier
than dealing with her every day.

And she smelled
like sanitation.

Okay, stop that.

CAROL: Who are you calling?

That better not be
a drug dealer.

Hello. Yeah, I'm running low
on my prescription.

I mean it!

(RENEE SIGHS)

(MOUTHING)
What are you saying?

You better get your ass away
from me 'fore I mess you up.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Ah, God damn.
- Who that?

Oh, Lord. It's Heathrow.

That's our brother.
Answer the phone.

I don't like talking
to Heathrow on the phone.

That thing he talk with,

- it be vibrating my ears.
- Okay. Mmm.

Make my ear about
to have a orgasm.

Well, give me the phone,
let me answer it.

BAM: No, no, no.

- We don't wanna see or hear you have a orgasm.
- (RINGING STOPS)

Ain't that the truth.
Ain't that the damn truth. Not up in here.

Still don't hear her
have no organism.

Now, I don't know about that,
Bam, you might not... (CHUCKLES)

- I might wanna see that.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Joe.
- (JOE MUMBLING)

That's Heathrow.
Heathrow calling me again.

Joe, go on
and get the phone.

I'mma put it on speaker
'cause I don't wanna...

Hello?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE)
Y'all on the way?

Oh!
See how that feel?

That do tickle.

- Wait.
- Don't even feel right, do it?

- HEATHROW: Hello?
- Oh, he can hear me.

That's making
my nipples hard.

Oh, yeah, we over
at Brian's house,

waiting for him to get here
so he can drive us over there.

Why can't you drive yourself?

I have some vibration going on.

You know I ain't got
no damn driver license.

Ain't none of us
got no driver license.

We can't drive that far here.

Well, I'm here.

Well, I know, Heathrow.
You can't go nowhere too far.

If your battery dead,
you can't go nowhere.

Okay, when you come, bring me
some of that good-good.

Heathrow, you done had that
cancer from all that smoking.

That's how you got
that hole in your throat.

You ain't supposed to be
smoking nothing.

Well, we all gonna
die from something.

This fool crazy.
He getting ready to die.

I'm looking at a few girls

planning to kill a few men,
if you know what I mean.

CAROL: You still on the
phone with Uncle Joe?

HEATHROW: I'm talking
to one of my hoes.

All right, fine,
I'll see you when you get there.

CAROL: Get off that phone!

I can't stand his ass
sometimes, you know.

- He just always that...
- HEATHROW: Excuse me.

Oh, you here.
All right, hang on...

- I wasn't talking about you.
- (LAUGHING)

I wasn't talking
about you at all.

I'll see you
when you get here.

- Thank you.
- JOE: Okay.

Why you didn't tell me
to hang up the damn phone?

I thought you did.

He's sitting there,
sitting there listening.

Ain't nothing wrong
with his ears.

- What'd he say?
- I had the phone on speaker.

You didn't hear?

He said, "Hurry up and get down
here." And he want to smoke.

How long they been married?

They tell me 40-something
years they been married.

Forty years. I can't imagine waking
up, looking at the same ass every day.

You need to trade ass
in every few years.

Wouldn't nobody be married to
you for 40-something seconds.

Do you know what you smell like?

Marriage is a beautiful thing.
I love it.

I love it, I love it.

Oh, she's so damn dramatic.

You know, I think
I'd like to get married.

Hattie, you killed your
last three husbands.

What you wanna
get married for again?

Do you know that bastard
had the audacity

to come talking to me
about some hoes?

Uh. We get it, we get it.

- Right.
- BAM: We get it.

What? I ain't do nothing
but give him a little

painless anti-freeze.

Yep, well, she anti-froze him.
Anti-froze all his organs.

HATTIE:
I'm so glad I'm single.

Ain't seen old Heathrow
in all this here time.

Can't wait to spend
a little time with him.

You know, I heard his wife died.

Well, she died,
but something else died on the vine, too.

Hold on, now. That man
had the finest set of legs

on this here side of heaven.

Well, he don't
have 'em either, Hattie.

HATTIE:
You wait a minute, Bam.

Old age ain't
never stopped nobody

from having no sexiest legs.

Oh, but a doctor will.
(CHUCKLES)

- (LAUGHS)
- MADEA: That ain't funny.

Joe, that ain't funny, talking
about what the doctor did.

You say what?

- Hattie, well, you know he...
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Nothing. Nothing. Don't worry about it.
You go on, have your fantasy

- about Heathrow.
- HATTIE: Yeah.

Hey!

- Hey, Brian!
- Hey, Madea!

- Hey, Brian.
- Don't you look nice.

Don't be sitting there,
telling that damn lie.

Look at her, sitting there
looking like a bag of flour.

Don't listen to him.
You look great.

This is my good vintage dress.

You don't even know.
I borrowed this from Aretha Franklin.

And Miss Hattie, Miss Bam,
you two look nice, too.

Thank you, Brian.

Oh. Oh... Dude.

Why you sitting here
lying to these old...

Brian, you always seem to say
the nicest things to me.

I'm not flirting with you,
I'm just saying you look nice. That's it.

This is my fur.
I bought it in 1976.

I wear it
for special occasions.

And I thought this would be
a special occasion.

You mean faux, right?
That's not a real fur?

Four what?

Four dollars.

- Four dollars for what?
- JOE: That.

That what he mean.
Four dollars.

Miss Bam,
you wearing real fur?

F-U-R. "Fur."

No, listen to me. You know how many
animals had to die for you to wear that?

But, what the hell?

I didn't kill 'em.

What do I care about that?

That's really,
really horrible.

Soon as I can afford to buy me
a fur, y'all gonna say,

"You can't take that.
You can't wear that."

To hell with what y'all saying.

Well, look like the only part of the
fur you could afford is the collar.

BRIAN: You shouldn't wear fur, okay?
Do you know what people would do?

You'll be walking down the
street, and they'll take paint

and throw it all over your fur.

You let somebody put
some paint on my fur.

Paint my rabbit.

I don't know why that
just turned me on.

But I sure would like to put
some paint on your rabbit.

Oh, my God.

You're sick.

I'll make it hop.

Okay! All right,
we got the car all gassed up, all right?

- So, let's go.
- JOE: Hey, boy.

How the hell you
gonna talk about them,

how they look, and not say...
You don't see me sitting here?

How do I look?

You look like
you always look.

JOE: Boy, you a hater.

I looks good.

Daddy, I smelled you
before I walked in the house.

No, you didn't smell me.

I'mma tell you what you smell.

That dude right there.

I smell like fresh
berries and springtime

with a little sprinkle of cinnamon
across the middle section.

More like old ass
and roasted nuts.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES)
Okay, all right, all right.

Brian, thank you for driving on over there.
Thank you for driving.

You know I can't drive nowhere.
My license ain't right.

I keep telling you,
I can help you with that.

Yes, but you also told me
I would have to go to court.

Yeah, Madea,
you got tickets

and warrants and license
and everything.

Bench warrants, all the stuff.
Yeah, you have to go to court.

I don't go
to court, okay?

I'm dragged to court.

I don't just go to court 'cause
the judge said to go to court.

I'm a thug, hell.

These new kids don't know
nothing about being no thug.

I'm a real thug.
I'm a O-G M-A-D-E-A.

Your mama try and take me
to court for 42 years, hell.

I was like, "I ain't
going to no court."

No child support.

Changed my address.

I was using your social security number.
That's why she couldn't find me.

Every time they tried to track
and find out where I was,

went right back to your house.

Mmm.

I'm sorry I jacked
up your credit.

Can we go, please?

Look here, young blood,
how long this drive?

About three hours.

I hope there's a bathroom
on the way

'cause I may have to tinkle.
Just a little drop-drop.

Just a drop-drop.
Maybe two. (CHUCKLES)

Just what I thought, kids.
Okay, come on, let's go.

Come on, y'all. Let's go.
Get in the car.

Let's get on up here.
Come on. (GRUNTS)

MADEA: Come on.
Come on, y'all, come on.

- BAM: Here we come, Mabel.
- MADEA: Come on, Hattie.

We getting ready to go.
Gotta go on the road.

We'd better go
to the bathroom first.

Aw, look at them.

They are so in love.

Look, they're
still holding hands.

Who?

Mama and Daddy.

What? Wait, they are not
supposed to be here.

- Wait, what? Oh, that's right.
- CAROL: Oh, my God.

Hi.

- Mama, y'all are not supposed to be here.
- JESSIE: Mmm-mmm.

And neither are you, Daddy.

I told her.

Y'all gotta go.

- Fine.
- CAROL: Mmm-hmm.

I can do some work
at the church.

Yeah. And I can do
some shopping.

You forgot you and Mama's
anniversary, didn't you?

- No, I did not.
- Yes, you did.

Oh. You better be glad
that mall is still open.

ANTHONY: Oh, come on.

And don't come back
till 7:00.

Be glad I didn't put you
on no schedule.

(GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

- This is a long-ass way.
- Oh, yeah.

Yes, it is.

Could you please stop saying
"long-ass way"?

Whenever you say
"long-ass way,"

it makes me
have to go again.

I wish to hell you wouldn't
have to stop one more time.

I've been stopping
every five minutes,

talkin' 'bout you have
to go to the bathroom.

We've done
stopped nine times.

Brian, how far we done went?

Nine miles.

You stop to piss at every mile.

Well, you know
I can't help it.

Well, I suspect we better
get you one of these here.

Ugh. What is that?

That girl done pull out
a damn diaper.

And I wouldn't have
to go so much

if Brian wasn't
driving so slow.

MADEA: Right, speed up here.

BRIAN: I am doing
the speed limit.

It's called obeying the law!

He always drive the speed
limit, old bitch ass.

- Oh, I'll get you to speed up.
- (BRAKES SCREECHING)

- BRIAN: Hey!
- (ALL SCREAMING)

- Hey!
- Joe!

- HATTIE: Damn!
- Madea, don't do that.

MADEA: Speed up here.

- (SIREN WHOOPS)
- That's the po-po. Hey, throw all the stuff out the window.

(SIREN WAILING)

Give it to me, Joe.
Hell, I'm legal.

Okay, Betty, hold mine.
It's just one blunt. Or 30.

Please don't tell me you have
marijuana in this car.

I'm legal. That's why
I got a prescription.

Hold on, let me
fix my makeup.

For what?

I'mma flirt with him.

JOE: You gonna flirt?
Hell, you finna send all of us to jail.

What the hell is you doing?

- BRIAN: I'm pulling over.
- JOE: No!

MADEA: Pulling over?
What the hell you mean?

You pulling over for what?

- The police?
- Are you insane?

If you see red lights,
that means stop, okay?

If you see green light,
that mean go.

If you see blue lights,
that means you better blow your engine

trying to get the hell
away from 'em.

I am gonna show you
something here, okay?

Your ignorant ass
about to get shot.

Madea, this is
the problem, okay?

This is why so many people
are getting shot.

Because they're not obeying the
law, they're not complying.

Every officer is not
a bad officer,

so we just pulled over.

Okay. All right, I'm gonna
put that on your tombstone.

"All officers are
not bad officers,

"except the one
that shot my ass."

BRIAN: Will you guys
please just stop it?

JOE: Oh, we all about to die.

I never thought
I'd die like this.

I thought I'd die
at the strip club.

You wanna stop?
Go, stop. Watch this.

BRIAN: What are you doing?

Do not throw anything
out of this car.

Ain't nobody throwing nothing
out the window.

We putting our hands out the window
'cause we don't wanna get shot.

You know what? This is
absolutely crazy.

I'm sure that's why
all these people got shot.

You know what they were doing?
They weren't complying.

Boy, you damn crazy.

You ain't seen all
the people complying

and the damn officers
still shot 'em?

Man laying down on the street

trying to help a patient,
and they shot him?

All them people ain't crazy.

I'm gonna show you and teach you

that this is how you comply

when an officer
is walking up to the car.

All right, you'll see.

No, you will see.

Somebody get their phone out,
so y'all can record 'em.

Hell, no. I ain't finna
reach for my phone.

He might think that I'm trying

to reach for a gun or something.

Good! You reach for a gun,
they'll shoot your ass,

and put me out of my misery.

You mean put him
out of his misery.

No, I mean put me
out of my misery

'cause if he dead,
I won't be miserable no more.

I'll have a nice little lump
of insurance.

OFFICER: (ON SPEAKERS)
Driver, turn off your engine.

That's new. They never
said that to me before.

Boy, you don't know
nothing about no police.

You don't know nothing
about no police.

OFFICER: Driver, I repeat.
Turn off your engine.

Oh, he getting mad.
He done said it twice.

They don't like
to talk twice, Brian.

Hey, you better leave that bitch
running so we can get up out of here.

Daddy, I want y'all to stop,
okay? Just stop it.

OFFICER:
Take your foot off the brake.

Brian, he telling you what to do.
Take your foot off the brake.

BRIAN: Shh!

Now put your foot on the gas,
and let's get the hell up out of here.

Wait a minute. How he know
your foot was on the brake?

BRIAN: Calm down.

When your foot is on the brake, the brake
lights come on, on a car that works.

Oh, the tail light
connected to the brake.

You see that?
That's how they get you.

That's how they
get you, right there.

MADEA: Brian,
you gonna be a wimp all your life?

Just go for it.

You know why Tupac got shot?
He stopped, at the red light.

You know why Biggie got shot?
He stopped, at a red light.

So you need to go. Drive!

It's so much fun,
your heart skips a beat.

Don't you wanna be
a daredevil once?

Why you gotta be such a square?

Madea, all right.

I'm not running
from the police.

We're not doing
that today.

Oh, really? Really?

I'm gonna show you that
there is nothing wrong

with getting stopped
by the police at all.

Nothing. You'll see.

That ain't funny, Hattie.

Get your hands
in the window.

Oh, Lord.

Hello, officer.
What seems to be the problem?

OFFICER: Put your hands
where I can see 'em.

Oh, okay. They're right here.

No, don't move!
Do not move again.

I told you, you had to put your
hands out the window, didn't I?

I was just putting
my hands on the wheel.

Oh, you wanna play this
resistance game today. (COCKS GUN)

No, I was...

He's complying. That's what he's
doing, officer. Freely complying.

Who told you to speak, huh?

I'll be the judge and jury
on compliance today.

License and registration.

Don't move!

I just said don't move!

Well, how am I
supposed to get it?

Let me see your hands.

They're right here.

Okay, you're gonna listen to me.

Listen very closely,
so there's no mistakes out here today.

Left index finger.
Left index finger.

Left index finger.
Reach across your body

and open up
the glove compartment

with your left
index finger, sir.

What the hell is he talking
about, "Use your left..."

I'm gonna use my middle
finger in a minute.

Shut up.

I don't know... I don't know
how that's possible.

- Left index finger, sir!
- Uh-huh.

When you touch the glove compartment,
invert that into the peace sign

and grab the documents.

How is that possible?

Don't talk back to me!
Quit doing it!

Damn, I should have
paid your insurance.

Wait, my wallet is...

Don't! Don't!

Hey. Hey, just cooperate.
He on that stuff.

Okay, okay, just stay calm.

I am calm! I'm very calm!

You are not! I am!

If he calm, I don't
wanna see him upset.

You are hostile.

No, sir, I'm not.

Still doing this resistance
thing with me, huh?

No. Can I get it
out of my jacket?

Reach for your jacket.

MADEA: Don't you be pulling
nothing out of your jacket

unless it's a phone,
so you can record his ass.

You put that camera on 'em,
they start acting different.

They different when they see
you taping them on them phone.

Well, get yours out
and let's go live.

Hell, no. I ain't finna
reach up in there.

Hell, I done had too many
bullet holes and stab wounds.

I done got old, they don't
heal the same no more.

I got diabetes.

You smuggling anything
in here, huh?

Just your license and registration,
what you got in there?

All of you sit right here,
and don't move.

Well, I'm really perturbed.

Ain't that something?
That white boy crazy.

HATTIE: He's
schizophrenic, you know.

BRIAN: I don't like this.

I told you. Didn't I tell you?
What I tell you?

He wasn't supposed to do that.

"He seems so upset. He seems
so outraged here, guys.

"He seems so upset. Wow."

This is really out of line.
This is very wrong.

This is not right.
We didn't do anything.

He didn't even tell us
why he was stopping us.

They don't never tell you, son.

This that racist stuff
that make me

wanna go burn something down.

Make me wanna go protest.

BRIAN:
We didn't do anything.

I don't think I like this very much.
This is just wrong of him.

Mr. Simmons.

The reason I pulled
you over back there

is 'cause you swerved

and we can
never be too careful.

God bless you all.

Drive safe out there.

BAM: The hell?

Wait a minute. I wanna...

Hold the hell on, boy.
You better let him go.

Don't be trying to stop
him now. It's over, let's go.

We done got away. Let's go.

'Cause if he had
ran me, ha-ha,

we was all going down.
Let's go.

Right. Now drive, hell.

Why was he so nice all of a sudden?
(STAMMERS) I wanna talk to him.

Okay. Okay, great.
You get to the bottom of it.

Can we go now, please?
Can we go?

Wait a minute. They probably
pulled your name up

in that computer back there

and he saw what
you do for a living.

Now he scared,
now he running scared.

Running scared now, ain't you?

This is injustice.

And where there is injustice,
you have to fight.

You go on and get
to the bottom of it,

Martin Luther the King.

Congressman John Lewis, he said,

where there's injustice,
you have to fight.

Get the hell on.
Do what you have to do. Let's go.

Andy Young, and Joseph Lowery,

and everybody would
not allow this.

You've named all them
civil rights leaders.

Do you know what
they have in common?

All of 'em got their ass whipped
trying to make change.

Is that supposed
to be an excuse?

That's not supposed
to be an excuse.

(SIREN WHOOPS)

HATTIE: Ooh, they ain't blue.

BAM: He said, "Peace."

Well, he just left.
I got his number.

His name is Eddie. I'll get
to the bottom of this.

You ain't never gonna learn.

Who learned a lesson here today?

Did I learn a lesson,
or did you learn a lesson?

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Lord, I really, really
got to go now, y'all.

Bam, if you say you have
to pee one more time,

I'm gonna rip out
your fallopian tubes.

It's just two drops, Brian.

- BRIAN: Come on, let's drive.
- (TIRES SCREECH)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- JESSIE: Hey, baby.
- GIA: Hi.

- Where are you?
- I'm on...

Hey, babe, guess who
I ran into at the airport?

- Who?
- A.J. He was on my flight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wow. Oh, well,
I'll have to tell Carol.

Yeah, we're going to go
get a car together.

Oh, no, no. Let me
come pick you up.

Babe, you stay. We'll get one.

All right.

All right, well, let me talk
to my brother real quick.

Okay, cool. Hold on.

A.J.: Yo, what up, bro?

Hey, you take care
of my fiancee, man.

You know I will.

All right. (CHUCKLES) I'll
see you when you get here.

All right, will do.

Yeah, you gotta be here by 6:00.

We will. We will.

- All right.
- All right.

- Bye.
- GIA: Bye.

Better make sure you
hung up that phone.

I feel really, really
bad about this.

- I don't.
- It's your brother.

Look, I introduced you.

So you know
you didn't want him.

(SIGHS) Yeah,
I just need...

You don't need
nothing but me.

- I really love him.
- That's cute.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, what you
gonna do with him?

You know his
broke ass is boring.

You need a man.

Like me.

I'm just...

Look, we don't
have much time.

Hell, look, we took
a flight early

to be here, so we
could hang out.

Yeah.

Now, let's just
enjoy this, aight?

- Okay?
- Yeah, okay.

- Baby.
- Yeah.

Come over.

All right, room's
almost ready.

Who the hell paying for it?
That's what I wanna know.

I am. I'm paying for it.

Oh, you got it, Mr. Big Spender.
Go ahead.

Oh, you a big spender? When I call
your ass up asking for 20 dollars

so I can get a little joint
or something,

you ain't got no money for me.

I don't know why the
hell we just can't go

over there and stay
at Vianne's house.

Do like all the other
poor black people do

when they go out of town
to visit somebody.

They stay with their cousin, their mama
near 'em, and everybody else is near 'em.

You know what happened last time
we stayed at Vianne's house.

You know why the hell we can't
stay over there. He don't like us.

That's not it at all.

Then what the hell
is it, then, joker?

You don't remember you almost
burned the woman's house down?

I refuse to accept
the consequences,

responsibilitation for that.

- That wasn't my fault.
- Yeah, okay.

Hell, Heathrow was
up in there smoking,

and you know he got
that Jheri curl.

I don't know why the hell
Michael Jackson taught everybody.

If you got a Jheri curl,
don't put no fire near.

That dumb bastard sitting there
smoking, smoking, smoking.

Hair caught on fire.
I said, "Run, nigga, run!"

How the hell you gonna tell
our brother to run?

You know what happened to him.

He was rolling,
and rolling, rolling,

smoke coming out
of the top of his head.

He looked like a damn
chimney on wheels.

(LAUGHTER)

You know
I love you, right?

- I know. I love you, too.
- (MAN MOANING)

- Gia, hold on.
- What?

- (SHUSHING)
- No, come here...

- What?
- You hear that?

What?

WOMAN: Bad! Bad, Daddy.

- (MAN GRUNTING)
- That?

Yeah, right next door.
You hear that?

- They're doing it.
- (MUFFLED THUDDING)

Anthony! Anthony!

Gia, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

What? I don't
wanna hear that.

- I know, but I heard that...
- ANTHONY: Who your daddy?

I know that voice.

You know the voice?

- WOMAN: Anthony!
- What? Who...

That's my daddy.

This here
a nice hotel, yeah.

It do remind me of the one
I used to pimp out of.

I had these hoes
running in and out, right?

And I had this one,

they used to call her
a contagious.

Don't ask why.

- (SIGHS)
- But anyway, she was running in and out

and I was like, "Look here,

"you better bring me
this money, hoe,

"'cause you got to go home
and feed this boy. He hungry."

Daddy, please, okay? Stop it.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to talk about your mama.

- Here you are.
- Thank you very much. Okay.

Sure.

All right, come on. Let's go
get ready for the party.

Yeah, hurry up. I need to get
my drink on and my smoke on.

Okay. Come on.

- Your daddy?
- Yeah, that's my daddy.

- What're you doing?
- I'mma go wait for him

- to come out.
- What?

- What're you sayin'? Why?
- What do you mean, "Why"?

He ain't supposed to be
in there with her.

You ain't supposed
to be here with me!

That's some bull,

because you know
you always get up with me.

A.J., are you really
about to go over there?

Yeah.

If you go over there,
I'm leaving.

- Well, go. I don't care, go.
- Go?

- Go. There's the door. Go.
- A.J.

(SCOFFS)

(GASPING)

Renee?

A.J.?

- What the hell is going on?
- RENEE: Oh, my God.

- What's happening?
- RENEE: I don't know.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- Call the ambulance, A.J.!

Oh, there's A.J.
Hey, man.

- How you doing?
- Oh, my...

BRIAN:
What're you doing here?

- RENEE: (GASPING) Okay.
- What's going on?

- MADEA: What it...
- Wait.

(SIGHS)

What the hell?

- Look at her. Hey.
- What in the...

- Oh, shit.
- JOE: Wow!

Mabel, what
happened to him?

That rope
got too tight.

You know, that happened to me
one time, but I lived.

Will you shut up, Hattie? I wish to
hell it would've choked you. Shut up!

I believe that's Anthony.

That sure look like his
face, but I can't...

I ain't never seen
the other part of him.

Talk about pitching a tent.

What is this?

HATTIE: Oh, that
there right there

that go right across
his body so...

- Hush your mouth!
- What?

Hattie, stop tellin' everybody

in the whole damn world
that you into this.

Shut up!

Hattie, we don't need no tutorial
on S and M's, okay? Hush!

That's that
boy's daddy.

So what? Hell,
he gotta learn at some point!

Wait, he's not breathing.
He's not breathing. He's not breathing.

MADEA: What is it?

I don't know about that.

Look like one part of him
is breathing pretty good...

Getting plenty of oxygen.

Joe, I want you
to shut the hell up.

You'd be laying there
just like he is.

Instead of trying
to catch your breath.

JOE: That's it!
Rep your set, fool!

Rep your set, fool!

Rep your set!
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, man, hey!
Hey, rep your set. South side!

That girl fine
as hell over there.

Shut up, fool!

He needs mouth-to-mouth!

Well, get to it.
Make sure you bend over when you do it.

- I don't think I can!
- MADEA: Joe!

You ask me to blow no air
in that nigga lung.

Y'all better get a plunger.

- Oh, get the hell outta the way! I'll do it!
- MADEA: Mmm-hmm.

- BAM: Hattie!
- BRIAN: Hattie!

Hattie, that ain't
his damn face!

- Hattie! Hattie!
- HATTIE: What?

Hattie, that's not his mouth!

I told y'all she
ain't got no tonsils.

Get your ass up and
come on back over here!

- HATTIE: What?
- BAM: Hattie!

MADEA: You a pro.

Damn!

BAM: Is that a ball
in his mouth?

Yeah, I had one,
and it got stuck right there.

BAM: What
happened to him?

I don't know!
He just stopped breathing.

Maybe there's something wrong
with his heart, his chest.

No, baby.
It wasn't his heart or his chest.

I believe it was your
heart and your chest

that stopped his heart
in his chest from beating.

- (CHUCKLES)
- What? (SIGHS)

BAM: Joe, would you
shut your mouth?

I know you into the older
persuasion.

I can tell 'cause
you with his old ass...

(SIGHING)

...but you think that's something?
(CHUCKLES)

Renee, call the ambulance!

Oh...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey.
- Hey, baby.

What's... What's
going on? You late.

Yeah.

Okay, so what happened?
Flight delayed or something?

No, no, no, traffic.

Where is A.J.?

I don't know.

I thought you two were
taking a car together.

No, we didn't.

But you said you would.

Well, I lost him.

He's not answering
his phone.

Have you seen him?

Yeah, we got separated
at the airport.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna
call him again.

Okay.

Hey.

CAROL: Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Uh, is your mama here?

No, not yet.

I've been calling her
and Daddy.

They were supposed
to be here at 7:00.

I don't know where
they could be.

Did you get them?

No, and A.J.
knows better.

HEATHROW: Beep-beep!

Uncle Heathrow!

Excuse me.

(WHEELCHAIR BEEPING)

- Beep-beep!
- (BEEPING RESUMES)

CAROL: Oh, no. No, no, no.
What is this?

This is the cake
I wanna give.

You're not giving
this cake...

Take your damn hands
off the cake

before I knock you down
and run over you.

Okay, wait. How about this?

How about I take the cake
and go put it in the kitchen?

No, I want it here
on this table.

You are not putting that cake
on the table! No, sir.

Leave her alone!

Leave her alone! Don't touch
the woman on the cat.

- Give me!
- Leave the woman on the cat.

- Give me!
- Leave the woman on the cat.

- (CAROL GRUNTS)
- WILL: I got it.

Thank you.

Come on now,
Uncle Heathrow.

Touch this and see if you
don't get kicked in the nut.

You don't have legs.

Oh, I forgot about that.

But I got a cane,
and I got a fist.

I want it on the table.
With the kitty on the cat.

Put the kitty on the cat!

Where is everybody?

No one's answering their phone
and all these people are here.

Is my mama here?

You're late!

Yeah. Where is she?

CAROL: This is why
we always fighting.

- Is my mama here?
- No, she's not.

Damn, man!

SYLVIA: Why do you
look like that?

Why the hell are you
so late, A.J.?

See, this is what
I'm talking about.

- You are never on time.
- (A.J. SIGHS)

Carol, wait.
Something's wrong.

What's wrong?

No, wait.
All these people are here

for your mother and your
father's anniversary

and you can't even
be on time.

You are so irresponsible.

Look, I need to talk
to my mama.

That's it.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

A.J., what is it?

- Oh. Surprise!
- ALL: Surprise!

A.J.: Mama! You okay?

I'm sorry. Your daddy never
picked me up at the church

and he's not answering
his phone.

I don't know where he is.
Is he here?

That's not like Daddy at all.
Let me go try and call him.

He's in...
He's in the hospital.

What? What
happened to him?

He had
a heart attack.

- VIANNE: What?
- SYLVIA: Oh, my God!

Why the hell didn't he say
that when he walked in?

Where is he?

St. Andrews.

He's stable, but he's
in intensive care.

We might not be able to see
him till tomorrow morning.

SYLVIA: Mama,
go with us. Come on.

Don't worry. I'm coming.
Hold on, hold the car for me.

Get the van, the special one.
I'm coming.

- (WHEELCHAIR BEEPING)
- Oh.

Hold on.

Damn! Damn!

I dropped the damn kitty cake.

They ain't have
to do me like that.

(WAILING)

JOE: I don't like
being in no hospital.

Come in for one thing,

and then something else
goes wrong.

I went up in there
because I had a headache.

You know, when I came out, they
were trying to cut my foot off.

I said, "Hell, no,

"y'all ain't finna cut my foot
off for a headache!"

Joe, shut up.
Just shut the hell up.

I wonder what they doing
to him back there.

Well, they probably trying to
take that ball out of his mouth.

- What?
- Well, they're gonna need

to get some lube
on it or something,

'cause it was
down there pretty deep.

Mabel, how a woman get a ball
that deep down a man's throat?

Joe, say one thing, Joe,
and I'mma slap your ass pissy!

Somebody slappin' you pissy,
that don't sound good at all.

MADEA: And on you,
it ain't gonna be good,

'cause you know piss sting

when you have it
on too long. It stings.

JOE: (LAUGHS)
Here, pissy, pissy, pissy.

Bam, "Little Pissy,"
that what we call her.

That was her stage name
back in the day.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

- "to the stage, Little Pissy."
- (SIGHS)

Hey, nigga, how long we gotta
be up in this hospital?

We can't leave until
we find out he's okay, okay?

I'm sure Vianne and the family
are on their way down here.

What the hell we waiting
to see if he okay for?

I don't give a damn.

I don't give a damn
if he okay. I don't like him.

You know, a heart attack
sure can put a damper

on an anniversary party.

You think?

Yeah, sure can,
'specially if you dead.

That's right.
Death can do that to you.

Death will take you
out of here.

That's right.
Death make you dead.

You think that's something,
honey? (SCOFFS)

I sure in hell hope
she don't find out

how he died and what he was
doing, I sure do.

Well, she ain't
gotta do anythin',

we can go
and tell her that now.

Hattie, you ain't
finna say nothing.

Well, why not?

That ain't none of your
business, what that man

was doing in that hotel
with that girl!

- Well, ain't that your family?
- Yes.

Then that make it
our business, then.

My family, not yours.

Mabel, who you think
you talkin' to?

What is you talkin' about
over there, Auntie M.?

You know you can't wait
to tell her what happened

and what you saw in that hotel.

Nobody's saying anything,
Miss Bam. Nobody.

I ain't finna tell her nothing!
Let me tell you something.

Folk get mad at you when you tell
'em something about their husband.

I'm not gonna
tell Vianne nothin'.

I'mma sit here
with my mouth shut.

Good, 'cause let me
tell you something...

JOE: Hold on... Hold on
a minute. Hold on a minute.

Where was you hoes
back in the day

when I needed somebody
to hold my secrets

when I was running all them
hoes and had all that weed

and dope and everything,
and the heroin?

What happened to the bro code?

Why you keep saying that?
We are not men, Joe.

You know,
in the animal kingdom,

some species,
they have both sexes.

Keep it up, I'm gonna
raise this dress up

and show you how much
of a dude I am.

You know what? I just can't
wait for you to be maggot food.

I just want maggots
all over you,

just eating you alive.

- HATTIE: Dang, Ma!
- What?

That's what I want him to be,
some damn maggot food.

There she is. Come on, Vianne.

Hey, Vianne.
How you doing, baby?

Any word?

Not nothing yet.

- MADEA: Hey, A.J.
- Hey.

- MADEA: How you doing?
- Fine.

Baby, you got on
too much damn cologne.

That's funky.

And it's too sweet, Mabel.
I can smell it all the way over here.

MADEA: Yes, it's too strong.
Don't wear that no more.

I don't have on cologne.

(SCOFFING)
The hell you preach?

Go with her, player.
She might be trying to save your life.

Will you stop it?
It's a sad occasion.

It's sad for you. I don't like your
daddy, so it ain't sad for me.

I'm just trying to help you out.

Whatever. What is going on,
and where's the doctor?

- Calm down.
- No, that's my daddy.

I know that.

And he's been like
a father to me.

He been like a father
to a lot of women.

Will y'all get the
doctor, please?

(SIGHS) Come on, A.J.

BRIAN: The nurse said
she'll be right back.

VIANNE: Oh, okay.

She look good
in that green dress.

Oh, yeah. You all right,
Vianne, baby?

Yes, I just wanna
know what happened.

Well, see, what
here happened was,

he got this here ball
stuck in his throat...

Hey! Hey! Hallelujah!

Hattie,
you better shut your damn mouth.

And it was lodged
back there, in the...

- MADEA: Hush.
- Damn, Ma!

I'm sorry.

You ain't had to hit me like that.
Keep your damn hands to yourself!

Hattie. Shh.

Don't be shushing me!

Will y'all stop it, please?
You are worse than fourth graders!

This is a serious situation.
Stop it.

I don't know who the hell
you think you're talkin' to.

I ain't no damn...
Your mama a fourth grader!

Will somebody tell me
what's going on?

From what we understand,

he had a heart attack.
That's all we know.

Yeah, I know that. A.J.
said that back at the house.

- BRIAN: Yeah.
- But is he all right?

I was with him, he was fine.
I just left him.

JOE: Yeah, baby, that's 'cause
you left him in a restful state.

Sometimes, when people
have a heart attack,

they doin' somethin' strenuous.

Daddy.

- What was he doing?
- He was fu...

- (GRUNTS)
- BRIAN: Hey!

(STIFLED SPEECH)

You lucky you didn't
swallow them bastards,

have them go in and
chewing up your esophagus

going down to your stomach.

(MUFFLED) I paid a lot of
money for these damn teeth.

Keep it up, I'mma give you
a asstric bypass.

BAM: I wanna tell you this.

Brian really did
try to help him

when he gave him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Thank you.

I'm tellin' ya,
I saw my nephew

kissing on that man,
on his lips,

I said, "Lord, have mercy,
blow him air in his lungs."

He went in farther
than any man

should ever go with another man.

Unless you're into
that kinda thing.

Where was he?

At the ho... (GRUNTS)

MADEA: Shut up!

Damn it, Ma!
I'm gonna fuck you up!

Shut up!

Well, where was he?

(STAMMERING) He was...

Well, he was
at a... (GRUNTS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You got one more time to hit me.

I promise, you got one more time
to hit me. I'm gonna pull...

Joe. Hattie.

- (IMITATES SLASHING)
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we all still acting
like we wasn't at the hotel?

Ma?

- Wait. What hotel?
- BAM: A-ha!

Now you askin'
the right question.

MADEA: Bam. Bam, hush.

Oh, there's the doctor.

Listen. Hey, doc.

Can you please come back
in a little while?

They're asking us questions

and we wanna answer them
before you start talking.

Keep going now.
Next question, please.

No. I wanna know what's going
on with my father-in-law.

What is going on?

You were so close.

Ooh, shut your mouth!

Sitting over there looking
like Raj and Dee's mama.

- Are you the Thompson family?
- WOMEN: Yes.

- Is he all right?
- DOCTOR: And you are?

His wife.

I'm sorry,
he didn't make it.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

(SYLVIA SOBBING)

- No.
- I'm sorry.

CAROL: (CRYING) No. No.

Did she just walk off like that?
What kind of hospital is this?

Y'all have insurance or
somethin', the way she just left?

- Bam.
- Mabel.

MADEA: Why the hell
are you crying?

I just cry when I see
everybody else crying.

Oh, Lord! He dead.

- HATTIE: Joe.
- Yeah?

You sad, too?

Yeah, I'm real sad. (SIGHS)

He owed me
some money.

MADEA: Will you
shut the hell up?

Can't you see this
is a sad occasion?

Look at these people crying.

And you sitting there
saying something stupid

like that ignorant ass.

Look here, Nate Dogg.
If I'm not in his will,

I'm telling you right now,
that funeral's finna be messed up.

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Can you smoke weed
in a hospital?

I'm gonna hit you next.

WILL: You all right,
Uncle Heathrow?

I know y'all were close.

Yes, we were close.

Did y'all get
his personal things?

Nah, not yet.

You get his driver's license?

Why?

Well, I wanna know if
he's a organ donor.

- (SIGHS)
- No, I need a kidney.

I'm sure he had good organs
left in that body somewhere,

except for his heart.
Don't really want that.

Will you stop it?

Miss Vianne's getting ready
to come in here.

Hey, maybe you can have

the bottom of his legs.
(CHUCKLES)

Or his liver.

Or maybe you can get a lung,
just cover up the...

(DOOR OPENS)

(VIANNE SIGHS)

HEATHROW:
Hey, Vianne, how are you?

I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.

SYLVIA: Mom,
are you all right?

I'm okay.

Try not to get that Jheri
curl juice on your hand

that's on my shoulder.

Sorry about your sheets.

And your couch.

And your husband.

Mama, we'll go with you.

No. I just
need some time.

SYLVIA: Okay.

Hang on in there.
The Bible said, Two Timothy,

that the wages of the employed

shall be unemployed
when they go to work.

Amen.

You know what they say
about lonely women, don't you?

(WHISPERS)
They give it up.

You okay, baby?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just a little...

Yeah.

Oh, you talking
to her. (CHUCKLES)

Don't be whispering up
in this ear,

talking about,
"You okay, baby?"

I'll be gettin' ready to give you some.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm so sorry
about your daddy.

Thank you, honey.

You okay, A.J.?

That's a stupid question.

He just call her dumb?

I was just trying to
see if you were okay.

Wasn't trying to...

(SIGHS)

My daddy died.

What you think?

I'm sorry.

Why the hell you being
so mean to that girl?

I don't know why
you're being so mean to her.

I'm gonna shut my mouth,

'cause I been punchin'
him in his damn face.

Y'all better tell his
ignorant ass something

'cause I don't like that.

A.J., now is not
the time, okay?

Thank you.

Now, y'all know we gotta be
here to help Mama through this.

That's right. Listen,
we'll be here to help do anything we can.

- Thank you, Brian.
- Sure, sure.

MADEA:
Anything y'all need.

We right here any time,
day or night.

We right here. But if you
need something right now,

you gonna have to wait till the
morning 'cause we getting ready to go.

JOE: In the morning.
That's right.

Hell, yeah, we ain't
finna be here tonight.

I'm tired. I gotta
go lay it down.

Player have to rest.

- SYLVIA: Brian?
- BRIAN: Yeah?

Thanks for trying.

I wish I could've
did more. Sorry.

It's okay.

MADEA: And, baby,
let me tell you something. He tried.

Brian looked down
at Daddy. He was a hero.

He just went and tried
to help that man

with all that stuff strapped
to him. I mean...

(STAMMERS) Nothing.
It was just, you know...

He was just... It was...
It was terrible.

He was at a hotel?

- Uh...
- Baby, I'm exhausted.

I'm more tired
than Harriet Tubman

and Rosa Parks,
all put together.

Yeah, I believe
that's about right.

We need to go. Uh...

Come on, guys.
It's getting late.

Wait, why was he
at a hotel?

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Um... She wants to know
why he was at the hotel.

Well, these hoes
don't tell. Okay.

Okay, wait, what
the hell is going on?

Nothing, just let them go.
I know you're tired.

Yeah, they exhausted.

Yeah. All of a sudden,
I got real tired.

Where's my purse?
Oh, it's on my lap. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, we're all tired, uh...

- Where we going?
- Come on. Come on.

BAM: Here we come.

- HATTIE: We ain't never been...
- JOE: Come on. Come on, Hattie.

- Hurry up!
- HATTIE: Good Lord!

JOE: Come on,
let's go. Go on.

If you ain't there
in 30 seconds, I'm leaving.

I'll see y'all later on.

What are they
not telling us?

I'm sorry, y'all.
I gotta go.

I gotta go pick up
my son. I'm sorry.

CAROL:
Oh, thank you. Um...

You should go upstairs
and talk to Mama.

I'm sure she's still up.

She don't have to do that.

Nah, you don't
have to do that.

What?

Nah. Just let her rest.

Come on.
I'll walk you to your car.

You know this neighborhood's
rough, right?

No, it's not.

Nah, I'll walk with her.

Let me tell your
hoe-witch ass something.

Don't you talk
to me like that.

Don't bring your damn ass

to this house no more.
You hear me?

Get your damn hands
off of me!

Look, I will
tell my mother.

And I will
tell your brother!

About you and his wife.

What, you think
I didn't see that?

A.J.:
You don't know me.

You better get in that house

and get with that girl

so you can keep her
daddy's money coming in

and leave me
the hell alone.

I am not the one.

Yeah, okay. I know
you heard me, though.

And I know your ass
better heard me, too.

Now move.

Yo. What's that about?

A.J.: Nothing, man.
Come on.

JESSIE: Hey, um...

I'm glad
you're here, man.

Come on, man.

We just...
We just lost our daddy, man.

I don't know. You were more
of a father to me than he was.

Man, he was
a great dad, man.

But he was always gone.

Always. Ever since
I was born.

But you,

you were there.

I'm glad you're here now.

Come on, man,
let's just go in the house.

There's one more thing, actually,
I wanted to ask you, um...

I was going to ask you
after the party,

but I want you
to be my best man.

Best man?

Yeah. I asked Gia to marry
me, and she said yeah.

You like her, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Good.

I know Carol don't.

Man, she don't
like nobody.

- (SIGHS)
- So, um...

What you think?

Can you do that for me?

Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, sure.

All right. (LAUGHS)

- Love you, man.
- I love you, too, man.

I can't believe he's gone.

Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, baby. It's okay.

And it's just Mama now.

I don't know what she's
gonna do without him.

She loved him so much.

Yeah. I...

And all those years.

I'm sure she's devastated.

Yeah, I'm sure she is.

You know,
your brother seems strange.

Yeah, well,
Jessie and my dad never got close.

But, um, Anthony and A.J.,
they are the same.

Just alike.

Why'd you have to go
out to talk to her?

I just did.

But why?

Carol!

I just asked you
a question.

Well, my daddy
just died, okay?

Can you just
give me a break?

Just back off,
all right? Back off!

You know, I'm really getting tired
of you talking to me like this.

Well, good, because I'm getting
tired of talking to you.

Okay.

Okay.

I see how
it's gonna be.

Look...

Can you just give me
a moment to breathe?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, fine.

Where you going?

To take that moment.

- Everything all right, bro?
- Yeah.

Sure? You wanna
talk about it?

Nah, man. I'm just gonna go
outside and get some air.

All right, let me throw a shirt on.
I'll come with you.

No, no need.
You just stay with her.

All right.

(DOOR OPENS)

Man, baby. (SIGHS)

What's up?

My brother ain't
taking this too well.

Yeah, I know.

What about you?
How you feeling?

I'm fine. Just sad.

Yeah, I know.

I know, baby.

You don't seem too upset.

I mean, I'm sad.
It's just...

I'm good.

I just can't believe
I lost my daddy.

Yeah. I'm here.

I know, baby.

I know.

I'm so glad
I got you.

I'm so glad
I got you, too.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I'm right here for you.

Hi.

Hi.

You're up early.

Yeah. Couldn't sleep.

Yeah, I didn't do
much better myself.

Hi.

Hi.

RENEE:
I started breakfast.

- I knew your mama wouldn't be up to it.
- I know. Thank you.

(SNIFFS) Smells good in here.

What the hell
you doing in here?

SYLVIA: A.J.!

A.J.: No, you need to get
your ass out of here.

SYLVIA: What is
wrong with you?

A.J.: You don't know
who she is, do you?

She's Mama and Daddy's friend.

She ain't no damn friend.

No? Well, then
tell me who I am, A.J.

Tell me!

- You better get...
- Okay, what the hell is going on?

CAROL: A.J.! A.J.! Baby.

No. Don't follow me, Carol.

I don't think you ought
to follow him.

(CAROL SIGHS)

CAROL: I'm sorry.

I guess I could say
good morning to you.

- Hi, good morning.
- How y'all doing?

- SYLVIA: Good.
- Good.

Hell, y'all got a hell of a morning
going on up in here, don't you? (LAUGHS)

- What was all that about?
- Mmm-hmm.

Nothing.

Yes, it was gotta be
something, honey.

- Right.
- BAM: What did he do?

What did you do?

Bam, hush, hush, hush.

- How're y'all doing?
- MADEA: We're good, baby.

We came over here
to be with y'all

'cause I know that
y'all just going through,

'cause your daddy is dead.

(STAMMERS) Yeah. I know.

And I know it's hard for you,

'cause y'all don't
even know what to do,

'cause he's so dead,
but I hope

y'all all right 'cause
grief is something.

Somebody just
here one day,

and then just drop
damn dead the next.

Don't even know, people die
that ain't never died before.

- SYLVIA: I know.
- And it's just horrible.

Yeah.

Heart ain't beating, no blood
running warm in his vein,

no nothing.

But we here to encourage
you, and lift you up

and pray with y'all
and let the Lord be...

Have his way.

That's the one.
Have his way with the dead man.

Yeah. And I appreciate that.

And I'm just here for y'all.

I want y'all to know that
I came to courage you.

That's what I'm here for.
To courage you.

- You understand?
- SYLVIA: Yes.

- I'm bringing you courage.
- SYLVIA: We appreciate that.

- All the way from my house.
- Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

- Sorry he dead, though.
- SYLVIA: Uh, um, um...

- Listen, Madea.
- MADEA: Hmm?

My mother asked
about you this morning.

- Do she?
- SYLVIA: Mmm-hmm.

MADEA: I ain't got no money to
help bury nobody. I'm sorry.

No. She just wants
to talk to you.

Okay, 'cause your dad is dead.
Where she at now?

She's up in her room.

In the upper room?

She upstairs
in the upper room?

Lord, she dead, too?

- Oh, Jesus!
- Hattie, Hattie!

I don't even know
why I be bothered

with you, Hattie.
Listen to me.

The woman is upstairs.
She's not in the upper room.

Okay? She upstairs.

- Oh.
- Lord, have mercy.

I thought she said upstairs

- in the upper room.
- No. No.

- Come on, Bam, let's go.
- Okay.

(STAMMERS)
I'm going, too.

I said, "Come on, Bam."

I thought you said, "Come
on, ma'am." I'm coming.

I thought you wanted to be
down here with Heathrow?

Right. You like him so much,

you could be
down here with Heathrow.

- Come on.
- No!

- Fine! Come on. Fine! Come on.
- I changed my mind!

BAM: Mabel, stairs
is difficult for me.

MADEA: That's 'cause your ass is
getting difficult to go up 'em.

- (HATTIE EXCLAIMS)
- Shh!

Hush! Hush!
She's sad, she's sad.

Hey.

- Hey.
- HATTIE: Hey.

Hey. How're you?

I'm not good.

That's because
he's dead, huh?

- Bam!
- What, Mabel? He is dead.

Hush your mouth.
Shut the hell up.

I'm just trying to help her.
Minister to her.

That ain't no ministry, hush.

You ain't got no power.
You ain't anointed.

- You're insensitive.
- MADEA: Yes, it's insensitive.

- Will you shut the hell up?
- Mabel, I'm just trying to help her.

She knows she's sad already.

How're you doing, baby?

I'm okay.

Well, you looks bad.

I mean, you don't
look good at all!

Hattie.

- You look awful!
- Hattie. Hattie!

Don't be saying
that to the woman.

- She can hear you.
- I don't know

why the hell I asked y'all
to come up here with me.

You should've
stayed downstairs.

- Where's she going?
- What, what?

Madea.

MADEA: Yeah, honey.

Here's a suit that
he liked to wear.

I don't wear no man's suit.
What do I look like to you?

You trying to give me
his old clothes?

I want you to take it
to the funeral home.

- Oh.
- VIANNE: Do you mind?

Oh. Uh...

Okay, I guess I can take
it to the funeral home.

And I want you
to view the body.

Wait.

You want me
to view the body?

Yes, and I don't
want the kids doing it.

Okay, well, I guess I could
take it on down there

and view the body.

VIANNE: Just make sure
he looks normal.

You remember what he looked like
last time you saw him, don't you?

(BAM AND HATTIE EXHALE,
CLEAR THROAT)

HATTIE: Yeah. (GAGS)

Yeah. Yeah. (GAGS)

Yeah, we all remember
what he look like last...

- BAM: Right, he had that...
- (GAGS)

We all do, honey,
he had a ball lodged...

Bam! Damn, Bam.
Damn, Bam, Sam.

- BAM: Mabel.
- Hush.

I'm trying to help her.

VIANNE:
Thank you, Madea.

The kids are gonna be
devastated.

So we're having
the funeral right away.

Yeah, they're gonna be tore up.
Them kids gonna be...

- Wait, what you mean, "right away"?
- In two days.

- Two days for the...
- Two days?

- You gonna bury the man in two days?
- Why not?

Honey, listen to me.

Black people do not bury nobody
in two days. That's illegal.

It take us at least 12, 15,
35, 40 days for us to bury.

We gotta wait for everybody to come
from all over the country to get there.

- That's right.
- Get out of jail,

get permission from the parole board.
Hell, what you talking about?

That's how we're doing it.

I mean, she's shoveling him
up under the dirt quick.

Uh, baby, do you wonder
what happened?

- Hattie.
- What, Ma?

I's just wondering if she's
wondering what happened.

MADEA:
Get the hell out of here.

Just get on up out of here
with your foolishness.

- Yes, get on out!
- Get out of here!

- Get out! Out! Out!
- But...

Get on out of here.
That girl wasn't wondering nothing.

You hush.

Wait. What you telling me to hush for?
I'm trying to tell you something.

We not wondering what
was wrong with him.

I'm talking to you,
too, Bam.

- Because he had a ball...
- Out! Out!

- Out!
- MADEA: Get on up out of here!

Bam! Out!
You know what?

Get your ass up
out of here, too.

- Get out!
- What'd I do?

Get the hell out of here.
Both of y'all, just go.

Wait a minute, Mabel,

you think I'm finna go back
down them steps...

- Bam, come on, out! Out, out!
- HATTIE: Come on!

Mabel, don't touch me
with that dead man's suit!

MADEA: Out, out!

No, you come on,
you don't make that...

(BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING)

Thank you, Madea.

- Yeah, baby, I'm...
- I really appreciate you.

I'm so sorry that
they're just so...

Just ignorant.
Ignorant-ass people.

They don't have class
like me or you.

You wanna come downstairs
and eat something?

You don't need to be sitting
up here by yourself.

No, I think I need
a while to myself.

Really? Oh, that's right,
you wanna grieve.

You wanna be up here
and crying and sad.

Yeah, that's usually how people
do it. They just wanna die.

They just wanna die

after somebody that they
loved done went on to glory.

- And hopefully, he went to glory.
- Hmm.

Anyway, um,
I know it's hard

being married all them
years, now he gone.

You know, usually,
when the man dies,

the woman die,
after all them years,

the man or woman
die right behind.

They don't stay
separated too long.

You might not
have too long

'cause y'all were
together so many years.

But it's all right,
I'm glad I could make you feel better.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Amen. This is ministry. Praise him. Hallelujah.

I know this is a sad
occasion, but I'm here

and I want you to
understand something.

No matter what
is going on in your life,

you can always count on
the Lord or somebody.

The Bible say,
"Weeping..."

No. Sweeping. "Sweeping in
the middle of the night

"will bring the dust in
the morning." I don't know,

something like that, babe. I'm trying
to comfort you, you know. Something.

- I got you. Thank you.
- Yeah.

Yes, I want you to be...

"Yea,
though she walked in the valley

"with the shadow
of Little Red Riding Hood

"and the three bears,

"she feared no evil,

"'cause the three little pigs
was not around."

- Amen.
- Amen.

- You gonna be all right. Okay?
- Yes.

Now you just
go on and cry.

Don't you let nobody
tell you not to cry.

You cry, you scream,
you wail, you fall out.

You just do what all black
people do when somebody die.

- You just get ugly cry.
- I'll see.

- Okay.
- I'll see if I can.

You gonna
see him again?

No, I'll see if I can cry.

- You'll see if you can. Okay.
- Yes.

Yeah, but if you
gonna see him again,

I hope you
don't see him with

- the last time we saw him.
- No, I know.

- Mmm-mmm.
- Mmm-mmm.

(GAGS) I'm sorry.

Every time I think about him
dying, I just... (GAGS)

What are you doing here?

So you just
gonna ignore me?

You need to go.

I wanted you all night.

Stop. Your wife is here.

I don't care about her.

You know what?
I'm not...

(GIA GASPS)

- A.J., I can't do this.
- Tell me no.

I cannot do this!

Go! Okay? Go, now!

Get out!

(DOOR OPENS)

SYLVIA: Hey!

Is Jessie in there?

No, no.

Then what you
doing in there?

I was talking to Gia.

- Why?
- What do you want?

Mama wants to have the funeral
the day after tomorrow.

What?

Yeah, so I was just going
around telling everyone.

Why is she rushing
to bury him?

- Is that rushing?
- Yeah.

Look, A.J., I don't know. Okay?

Come here.

Why you talking
to Renee like that?

Don't worry about it.

Hmm.

Well, she asked me to do
what I can to help y'all,

so I'mma do what I can.

That ain't no good idea.

That funeral's finna be
messed up!

(LAUGHING)

I knows about funerals.
I done buried a lot of men.

A lot of them.

Now, I don't know nothing
about no boujee funerals.

All I know is about
black folk funeral,

the way they used to do Negro
spirituals back in the day.

Everybody'd sing a hymn,
and then they departed.

I hope y'all can appreciate
what I'mma try to do.

And if you need anything,
just let us know.

Money. She gonna
need some money.

She always
need some money.

'Cause none of this
is free. (CHUCKLES)

Now, I'll need a coordinating
fee for the funeral

and the coordinator usually gets
75% of what the casket costs.

- SYLVIA: We'll work it out.
- Okay, great. Thank you.

Could you let us know why
she's burying him so fast?

Um...

I believe I know why she's
trying to bury him so quick.

She can't stand his ass.

Child, I don't know.
I've been wondering the same damn thing.

Black people don't
bury nobody this quick.

If a woman
don't like the man,

she can't wait to get
him in the ground.

Either that, his insurance.

But I guess you gotta ask her,
'cause I don't know.

Okay, I will.

- Yo, can I smoke weed up in here?
- CAROL: No. No way. Mmm-mmm.

Oh, excuse me.
Oh, boujee.

Can't smoke
no weed up in this...

BAM: Joe!

Baby, can I talk
to you for a second?

Hey, you wanna talk to me,
I'll go talk to you. (CHUCKLES)

BAM: I think
it's a private situation

because she
whispered it to you.

Did you ever
think about that?

MADEA: Bam, will you
hush your mouth?

- That's them people talking.
- BAM: She said,

"Can I talk to you
for a second?"

He said, "Well, what do you wanna
"talk to me about?" She said...

MADEA: Bam, hush!

- She just froze.
- Hush!

Bam, that's why
I don't mess with you.

You just don't know how
to keep your mouth closed

at the right time.

If it's private, why would you
say it in front of the public

- in front of everybody?
- He the one won't go.

Yeah, that kid won't get up.
Get on up!

Baby, please.

BAM: "Baby, baby,
baby, please."

Mmm-hmm.
She gotta say "please."

Boy, go on up there
and see what that girl...

Get on in there.

JOE: I tell you what.
She wouldn't have to beg me.

Hell, with an ass like that,
I'd be running after her.

- He got on too much perfume.
- Way too much of it.

- Much too much perfume to have on.
- BAM: Perfume.

(JOE LAUGHING)

BAM: Joe!

That girl fine, too, there.
That's nice, too.

I don't know.
(COUGHING)

Bam.

(SNIFFS)

Mabel. (SNIFFS)

- BAM: Mmm-hmm!
- JOE: Hey.

She...

Heathrow. I believe the old
hoes has figured it out.

(MADEA AND BAM SNIFFING)

- BAM: Yeah.
- Ain't that the same?

That's the same
damn perfume, Mabel.

You know exactly
what that mean.

Wait, ain't it...

That means shut your mouth!
That's what that mean.

Mabel. Ain't he married
to the one that went up...

Hush! And engaged
to the brother...

You know what?
I'm not finna deal with this.

I'm not finna deal with
this at all. Oh, hell, no!

It took y'all long enough.
Hell, that's just...

See, I'm a player
from back in the day.

I figured it out.

I know what's happening
right when it's happening.

- (MOUTHING)
- BAM: Heathrow.

What the hell
y'all talking about?

You smell that, too?

I'm surprised
you can smell anything

with your damn throat with
the hole at the bottom of it.

I still got a nose.

I told you years ago,
stop all that damn smoking.

But you wanna smoke
52 packs a day.

Now look at you. You got a hole
in the bottom of your throat.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I just wanna know why
his hoe smell like his bro.

- (LAUGHING)
- BAM: Heathrow,

don't you say
nothing to them!

Right. Right.

This one smelling
like that one.

That one smelling
like this one.

But in a minute,

all these hoes here
gonna be smelling like Joe.

Now, listen.
Vianne asked me

to come over here
and help with this funeral

and that's just
what I'm gonna do.

Y'all need to stop
all this foolishness.

Stop it right now,
and I mean it!

I done been known
to take young hoes before.

I can help you with that.

Now, come on. I done
put the suit in the car.

We're gonna bring it on
over to the funeral.

Gonna get
all this straightened.

Why the hell they
sending y'all somewhere?

To help with the funeral.
Who else gonna do it?

Hell, a professional.
What the hell is sending you...

No, two girls and a dude.

Joe, have you
not been sitting here

listening to what the hell
we just said? They said...

Come on here, come on.

Don't y'all say nothing,
you hear me? Nothing!

- BAM: Now, listen up.
- This about to be a mess.

- A damn mess.
- BAM: You the mess!

- MADEA: Come on. Come on, Bam.
- Go ahead on, Mabel.

Shotgun!

(SIGHS)

Are you okay?

Yeah, what's up?

You tell me.

What're you talking about?

Something's been off
with us lately.

Could you just tell me
what's wrong?

There's nothing wrong.

You act like you can't
stand me sometimes.

(SIGHS)
That's not it.

Uh, I'm just...

What? So what is it?

Look, my daddy just died.

You can't seem
to understand that.

I'm sorry.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, A.J., I need
to talk to you.

Not right now.

Hey, babe.

Baby, um...

(SIGHS) I don't know
how to say this.

What is it?

I think A.J.
and Gia are...

What?

I don't know,
but he smells like her,

and I saw him coming
out of her room.

- Where was Jessie?
- Not here.

Damn.

Can you talk
to them for me?

Yeah.

I don't want this to turn
into a big mess, okay?

Don't worry about it.
I'll talk to 'em.

Okay. All right.
Thank you.

I'm so glad
I can count on you.

You always can.

Yeah, thank you.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

HATTIE: Dang!
You work quick.

Miss Vianne said that
we wanted it done quickly.

Do you do
everything quickly?

Hattie, hush!

UNDERTAKER:
I only speak slowly.

I'm actually pretty quick.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Ooh. That's good.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CHUCKLES)

He really kind of
creepy, Mabel.

Yes, he is.

(GIGGLES) I know they're
creepy, but damn!

We have him in the
suit you brought over.

This is our
least expensive casket.

Wait, you finna open that?
Give us some warning

- before you just open it up.
- Right.

We sent all the information
over to Vianne.

- Are you ready?
- Um...

Yes. If you gonna open it,
go on. Open it.

- Slow!
- (BAM EXCLAIMS)

MADEA: He smiling.

- Huh.
- What do you think?

He actually
look pretty good.

BAM: He was a fine man.

MADEA: He don't look bad.

Yeah, worked out
all the time,

- ain't eatin' nothing but salads.
- Maybe that's right.

And green drinks
and stuff like that.

He done got dead now, Mabel.
(CHUCKLES)

MADEA:
Didn't eat no pork.

And look at him,
we done outlived him.

Laying there dead,
and we still alive, still kicking.

That pork got us
kicking, though!

Bacon ain't
never hurt nobody!

HATTIE: Better get you a slab!
Too late now, though.

MADEA: Baby,
why he smiling?

Y'all put the smile
on his face?

He seemed like
he was a happy man

in his final moments.

It stuck.

- Oh, okay. (CHUCKLES)
- What?

UNDERTAKER: Are you satisfied?

Yes, we're very satisfied.
He looks fine.

But he ain't.

No, he's not satisfied.

- (BANG)
- (WOMEN GASP)

- Mother...
- UNDERTAKER: Hmm.

We're sorry. Mmm-hmm.

Apparently, he was taking
some sort of stimulant.

We're having some trouble

keeping the thing... It...

Down.

MADEA: What is "it"?
What you talking about?

- The lid on the casket or...
- UNDERTAKER: Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Move.

It's still up.

Mmm.

And it's still working?

It's probably what killed him.

Wait a minute.
This thing won't close?

Mmm-mmm...

(CASKET LID RATTLING)

It's like a pinball machine!
(LAUGHS)

(LID SLAMS SHUT)

Okay, just try to tape
it down or something,

'cause we don't want
this thing opening like a...

- (LID THUDDING)
- Popping...

Popping...

Popping up like that
in the funeral. Okay?

What can you do?

We could remove it,
if you like.

- You mean... (IMITATES SLASHING)
- UNDERTAKER: Hmm.

Oh, no. We ain't
finna let you do that.

No, we ain't gonna
Lorena Bobbitt him none.

That don't seem right.

Going into heaven
without your stuff.

Hey.

Hey.

You good, man?

I will, once I get home.

Yeah.

I know this is hard for you.

No, what's hard
for me is Carol.

I wanted to talk
to you about that.

What? She sent you
down here to talk to me?

No. Sylvia did.

What?

She wanted me
to talk to you about Gia.

What about Gia?

Anything going on there?

Come on, what?

She saw you
in her room, and...

Oh, man, go on with that.

You sure?

Yeah, don't ask me that.

Okay.

Then you might wanna
start showering more,

because you smell like her.

She hugged me.

Y'all serious?

- That's my brother's girlfriend.
- Fiancee.

Yeah, that, too.

Look...

Y'all just go in there,
do y'all thing, man.

Sylvia's just tripping.

Now, if you don't mind...

I have to figure out how to help my
mama with this funeral, all right?

Okay.

Hey.

You okay?

He acts like he hates me.

I'm sorry.

I just wanna
know the truth.

Look...

Our dad did
just die suddenly.

This has been going on
for months before he died.

I don't get it.

Just keep it
together. Okay?

You'll be fine.

- (CHURCH BELLS TOLL)
- (ORGAN PLAYING)

CHOIR:
♪ Down by the riverside

♪ Down by the riverside

- ♪ Down by the riverside
- HEATHROW: ♪ By the riverside

- ♪ Down by the riverside
- ♪ Down by the riverside

Shh!

I think you might
wanna be quiet.

Turn your battery off, son.
Turn your battery off.

♪ Study war no more

All right, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Study

Thank you.

I wish that dude
would sit down.

♪ Study

They're working
on my nerves.

Do you see how long
this program is?

♪ Study

We finna be up in here
all night, Heathrow.

- How I get them to stop?
- BAM: Cut them off.

- ♪ War
- CHOIR DIRECTOR: ♪ No war!

How many times
they gonna say "war"?

Because I'm having flashbacks
of being in the war.

War! War!

That's it, hey. Hey, hey.
Hey, thank you.

Sit down. Thank you.

Phew!

Uh, they asked me to be
the minister of service.

She ain't been
to church in years.

First, give an honor
to Popeyes

and, um, all the chicken
that I like.

ALL: Amen.

Amen.

I wanna say,
thank y'all so much

for having me here
as your mistress of service

as we come for this
conspicious occasion.

Who gonna read the obituary?

Daddy. Shh.

I want you to know
this is our program.

It's really thick.

Really thick.

How long is this
service gonna be?

So we want everybody
to be limited

who come up here
to two minutes.

Two minutes, please.

Don't sing long as...
(STUTTERS)

heaven like they just did.
Please.

First, I would
like to start off

with this for Anthony and for the family.
(CLEARS THROAT)

No, I'm just playing.

That ain't in the program
for this funeral. Okay.

Madea,
I wanna say something.

Heathrow.

They can't hear me.
I guess it's not loud enough.

JOE: That thing don't go up.

It's all one volume.

I'm so disappointed.

BAM: Why, baby, why?

MADEA: Okay.

'Cause his legs ain't fine
and sexy like they used to be.

MADEA:
First, we gonna have...

Hush, Hattie.

MADEA:
...reading from our pastor.

Then we gonna have the
reading of the new testimony,

then we have the reading
of the old testimony.

Hey. Check her out.

Before the night is over,
I'm getting that.

MADEA: Then we have
a reading from Psalms.

I wish I still had my legs,
I would help you.

MADEA: Then we gonna have
a word from the father...

- Hey, how're you doing, babe?
- MADEA: ...of the dead.

- Fine, how're you doing?
- (JOE CHUCKLING)

She can play hard to
get if she want to.

MADEA: Then we gonna have
words from his sister.

Yup.

I know it's hard for you
because your husband is dead.

I mean, dead.
He ain't coming back no more.

He ain't gonna
study war no more.

Then we gonna have word from his
Aunt Shirleen. I saw her here.

Hey, baby, I ain't seen you since
around the way. How you doing?

(VOICE BREAKING)
I'm barely holding up.

It's hard for me.

It's hard having
a loss in the family.

MADEA: You gonna be all
right, Shirleen.

Good to see you
over there.

Then we gonna have

a song, a A, and a B,
and a C, and a D,

and an F, and a G,
and a H,

and a J, K, L, M, N, O, P
from the choir.

Phew. That's just
the first page.

I've looked through
all 85 pages of this program

and your name ain't on
it, Heathrow.

Better my name
be on the program

than my name
be on the cover.

Then I'm going
to read a poem

that was written
by Maya Angelou.

It's called The Rock,
The Tree, and The River.

She knows she's finna
burn up in hell up there.

MADEA: We would
like to acknowledge

all of y'all for being here

'cause y'all so special.

But we just want the family
on this side, okay?

So if you just a friend of his
or you just know him,

I want you to please
come to this side of the room.

- Please.
- (ALL MURMURING)

(JOE EXCLAIMING)

Look at them. Look at them.
Look at them.

Oh! Excuse me.
(CHUCKLING) I got you.

- WOMAN: Stop! Move.
- Sorry. All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Look at that tattoo.

BAM: What that say?

You see that tattoo?

Joanne! What is you
doing up in here?

You trying
to scam somebody?

No, child.

Please, this is not
a Caucasian funeral.

Would you mind leaving?
Please. Step. 'Tep.

Watch your purses and your
wallet. Joanne's a scammer.

(JOE EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

JOE: You know
you want me.

She all up on me.

Ain't nobody on
this side but dudes.

Anthony was the man.

Anthony was the man.

Sorry, Vianne,
I'm trying to whisper.

Okay, first, we're gonna have
words from the son-in-law.

Well, it's a sad occasion.

- (WATCH BEEPING)
- We've lost a patriarch here, and, uh...

CHOIR DIRECTOR:
♪ God has been good to me

♪ He's been so good to me
to me, to me

- (ALL APPLAUDING)
- ♪ He dried all

♪ All of my tears away

♪ So instead of complaining I
just lift my hands and I say

- ♪ Thank you, Lord!
- ALL: Thank you, Lord!

- ♪ Thank you, Lord!
- ALL: Thank you, Lord!

- ♪ Thank you, Lord!
- ALL: Thank you, Lord!

♪ Thank you, Lord!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Two minutes. Sit down.
The Lord heard you.

Two minutes. Thank you, Lord.
Two minutes.

- CHOIR DIRECTOR: ♪ Thank you, Lord
- (WOMEN EXCLAIM)

- WOMAN 1: Thank you!
- WOMAN 2: Thank you!

Brother Anthony,
he was a good man.

He was a strong man.

He owed me $5.

You ain't never gonna
get that, I'm telling you.

'Cause they got
all the money.

I'm looking at where
all the money done went.

If you knew Anthony,
raise your hand.

Okay. If you knew
Anthony personally,

raise your hand.

- If you knew Anthony...
- Mom, who are these people?

MADEA: ...like they say in the
Bible, biblically, raise your hand.

Oh, hell, no.

Well, hopefully, when I
see him on the other side...

- MADEA: Yeah!
- ...he still got a little change left for me.

- ALL: Amen. Amen.
- MADEA: Amen.

Amen. Is it time to go?

How long we gotta be
up in here, Bam?

Joe, hush.

REVEREND: Lord!

We need you to come
down at this time

and grasp the family,
if you will.

They are
in trouble right now.

(MOUTHING)

Put your hands around them
and hold them tight.

Because they've been
through so many changes.

CHOIR:
♪ I'll fly away

♪ To a home
on God's celestial shore

A.J.: Mama ain't
cried one tear.

Maybe she's in shock.

Y'all know Mama's strong.

We just gotta watch her
and make sure she's okay.

- Yeah, she is.
- (SIGHS)

(CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING)

I just wanna say
to the bereaved,

it's gonna be all right.

You'll see him
on the other side.

On which side,
I don't know which side,

but you know I seen him on
the other side the other week,

I won't kid you not.

Because he come up
dead this week.

But last week, I seen him
on the other side over there.

♪ Oh, Lord
I just wanna thank you

(JOE SCATTING)

♪ I wanna thank you

♪ For being so good to me

♪ Thank you!

♪ So good to me
yeah! ♪

Okay, thank you.
Two minutes.

- Damn, Ma!
- Two minutes. Thank you.

HATTIE: You can't cut
people short like that.

Two minutes. Two minutes.
Thank you. Two minutes.

I gotta go to the bathroom.
I'll be back.

MADEA: Come on, Bam.
Come on, Bam.

(WHEELCHAIR BEEPING)

First, giving honor
and glory to God,

who's the head of my life.

ATTENDEES: Yeah. Amen.

I just wanna
say God is good.

- ATTENDEES: Yeah.
- (CRASHES)

HEATHROW: (GRUNTS)
Ouch. That hurt like hell.

Ain't nobody trying to
help me go to the bathroom.

Family,

do all you can do.

ATTENDEES: Yeah.

After you done done
all you can do,

that's all you can do.

HEATHROW: Can a player get
some help to the toilet?

Because you done
done all you could do.

HEATHROW: Can a player
get some help holding it?

And then after
you've done that,

you can't do no more.

'Cause you done done it.

You did all you could do.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- MADEA: That was deep.

Thank you, Bam.
Come on, sit down.

I feel a song though,
Mabel, in my spirit.

Come on down.

- ♪ And when He looks at me
- Come on down.

- ♪ He sees...
- MADEA: Yeah, two minutes,

- two minutes.
- ♪ He sees His Holy Spirit...

MADEA: Come on, Shirleen.
Come on up here.

Come on,
let the Lord use you.

- HATTIE: Get up, Joe.
- Daddy.

This service
taking too long!

HATTIE: You can't
take him nowhere.

SHIRLEEN: Amen, church.

- MADEA: Amen.
- ALL: Amen.

SHIRLEEN: I send my
condolences to the family.

Losing your son
ain't ever easy.

I'mma sing a song I wrote.
You don't mind, do you?

Yeah, go on,
sing the song.

♪ I know
you sitting next to Jesus

♪ You got your robe

♪ Don't worry about
what they say

♪ You got your robe

♪ You had 10,000 women

How long is this woman
gonna sing this song?

I don't know, but she need
to sit down and shut up!

♪ And it's all right

♪ You got your robe

God said, "Shirleen,
write this song

"and give it to the family."

Because people done
spit on the man's name!

They done shamed him.

And these women
who came in here

in front of this
man's poor wife.

He got his robe,
it don't matter what the haters say.

He got his robe.
He got his robe!

The man is dead.
He ain't coming back.

Why they making all
this noise up in here?

When was the last time
you were in church?

You remember that time me
and you was under them pews?

- That was the last time?
- Mmm-hmm.

And I never went back.

MADEA: Now we getting
ready to view the body.

The family's gonna go last

and all of y'all people
that didn't know him

or didn't wash your hands,

please be careful.

Don't touch the man.

Don't pull him up
out the casket.

Can you let me sing?

I was in the band
with Rick James.

Can I sing
She's a Super Freak?

Maybe that's
not appropriate.

Okay.

Shirleen, you blessed
my soul just then.

You really did.
You really did.

We are very happy
that he is, uh, with the Lord.

- (ALL SNORING)
- That's right, with the Lord. (LOUDLY) Mr. Pallbearers!

Take the flowers
off the casket.

Don't tear up the flowers,
they wasn't cheap.

Before y'all all
rush up here to say

your goodbyes
and your condolences...

Ugh. I wish that dude
would shut up.

We just want y'all
to respect the family

and I want y'all
to respect his wife.

This is a church. I don't mind
busting you in your face.

Lord, ask Jesus
to forgive me.

If they come up here
with that bull...

- (BANG)
- (ALL GASPING)

- (GASPS)
- (FEEDBACK WHINES)

Okay, funeral over.
Everybody, go. Whoo.

Help me, Jesus! Help me,
Jesus! Help me, Jesus!

Help me, Jesus! Help me,
Jesus! Help me, Jesus!

Mama, why do we all
have to be here?

VIANNE: It's a repass, son.
For your father. Okay?

You sure don't
seem too upset.

Have you been drinking?

Well...

Look, just let her do it
the way she want to, okay?

Come on, Mama.

- It was a nice service.
- Yes, it was. I did good.

It was lovely.
It was really lovely. Uh-huh.

It was quick,
is what it was.

Lickety-split.
We was in, and we was out.

I don't know why
you think that was quick.

That was long as hell.

That service was so long,

I was sitting there
watching my toenails grow.

You must've got them there
on that discount plan, Ma.

You got them the hookup?

I ain't get no damn hookup.
Yeah, that bill was high as hell.

Did he say he sent it you?
Did he send it over there to you?

I got it. It's right over there.
On the lamp.

HEATHROW: What?

It cost this much
to bury him?

(MUMBLES)

Good God! That's how much
that funeral cost, $9,000?

HEATHROW: We should've
buried his ass in a box

and put him up
under the ground.

People think folk be crying
'cause of the dead.

They crying 'cause their
funeral bill is $9,000!

Do you know how much
ass I could get

for 9,670-something dollars?

Y'all spending it
on a dead man?

Gonna bury that man
for 9,000 damn dollars.

That's a damn shame.

I'll remember that
when you die.

I get a state funeral.
I'm a war hero.

You ain't no war hero.

He said that's
how he lost his legs.

That is exactly
how I lost my legs.

You know how
he lost his damn legs?

He messed around with some gangster's
wife and they got them legs off of you!

Bet you gonna learn next time.
(EXCLAIMS)

You just gonna tell
all a player's secrets?

Player, you ain't
got no secret.

All them damn medals,
you done got from the Wal-Mart.

Tell the truth, you lost them
legs 'cause you are diabetical.

And everything that they started
adding up in them diabetical

led you to lose your legs.
That went wrong.

You better stop
all that damn smoking.

If you stop that damn smoking,
then you'll be in good shape.

VIANNE:
We don't smoke in here.

Boujee ass.
"We don't smoke in the house."

Mama, the funeral
was very nice.

- That funeral was lovely. It was lovely.
- Yeah, Mama. It was.

You doing okay?

I'll be fine,
now that this funeral is over.

The man just died
two days ago

and you already done shoved
him up under the dirt.

JOE: My cousin died
three years ago,

they still ain't buried him.

They still
ain't buried Jerome?

- Why?
- JOE: Because they don't have the money.

Funeral was
about $485,

so the whole family,
all 75 of us,

chipped in trying to pay it.

And we all give a little money
at a time to bury him,

but one day we gonna get him buried.
But he just laying there...

He worm meat right now,
but black folk, no.

We gotta put the body
on layaway.

When white people die,
know what they do?

They walk up in there,
they put the white people there, they say,

"Thank you for being here.
My white daddy died

"and I want all the white people to
say, 'Amen, God bless.'"

And then all the white people get
up, and they leave. That's it.

Funeral gone. In the ground.
White man dead.

When my Chinese friend
died from Korea,

they put him in a box
and put some rice in it

and sent him down
the Vietnam River.

That was when I was
in the war in Iraq.

That's right. I seen
a Chinese man

from Korea,
they buried him.

Quick. It was over.

Jewish men, you know
what they do?

At sundown, everybody got
to be in the ground.

Please don't forget the wake.

I don't know why
they call it a wake.

He dead. Ain't no need
to wake his ass up.

JOE: That's why that bill was
$9,000, 'cause you had a wake.

Should've had no wake,
but then had the funeral,

dropped his ass in the
dirt, put the dirt on,

everything over,
God bless, benediction,

"May the Lord watch between
me and thee," everybody goes.

Right. It's a dead.

No, a wake is...

Our ancestors started it.
All of the ancestors...

Bam, you are
our ancestor from Africa.

Please be quiet. Please!

Mabel, I'm just trying to tell
you how Frederick Douglass,

well, Harriet Tubman,
really...

Listen, I know you knew
all them people.

Hush your damn mouth.

My bladder is too weak to be
sitting around at a funeral

looking at a dead man
with a dead bladder.

That's just what the hell
I've been doing

sitting here looking at
a dead man all this time.

- Dead man rolling.
- (LAUGHTER)

VIANNE:
Stop it now, y'all.

Have some respect.
He just died.

JOE: What the hell
you think we're doing?

We sitting here
showing him some respect.

That's what I'm doing, talking
about him. That's respect.

I'm sorry, did that
hurt your feelings?

The man was dead.

We didn't have
to be there that long.

Y'all ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

That is torture
to a corpse.

Okay, you two, stop it.
Stop it right now.

You don't tell me what...
(MOUTHING)

Joe and Heathrow,
shut your damn mouth.

- BAM: Mabel!
- What?

His sound don't come
from his mouth, honey.

Well, I'm getting ready to plug that
hole up so he can shut the hell up.

That's where it comes from.
That hole in his throat.

- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
- (MOUTHING)

Spare.

Vianne, you done bought him
two of them damn things?

Why the hell would you
buy him two?

Mmm-mmm.
I didn't do that.

I wish you would
shut your hole up.

- Oh!
- Let me tell you something.

I'm gonna plug that hole... I'm gonna plug...
I'm gonna plug... I'm gonna plug that...

Say one more thing, okay? Shut your
mouth before I take that one tooth

you got left up
in your throat.

You will not sit here
and threaten my tooth.

That's all I have left,
is that one good tooth up top.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give you a Cheerio,

so you can put that on
the tooth like some braces.

Say one more thing!

Get him some cotton candy.
(LAUGHS)

Yeah, give him
a corn on the cob.

- He'll be able to just go down one row.
- (LAUGHTER)

Stop it now, y'all.
Stop it. That's enough.

You wanna mess him up,
give him a Cap'n Crunch.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll give him
a Rice Krispies Treat.

(LAUGHTER)

Somebody better get my rifle.

I see a enemy target at six
hundred oh thirty-four hours.

- VIANNE: Stop it!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

HATTIE:
Babe, you all right?

I sure know how
it feel to lose somebody.

- Hattie.
- What, Ma? I do.

I'll never forget
I buried my last...

First three husbands.

MADEA: Hattie.

I was devastation, Ma,
I was just devastation.

You talk about devastation,
try to have sex with her.

- Renee.
- Yeah?

Thank you for coming.
You're always here.

I always will be.

She don't need to be here.

Give me that.

A.J.: Don't touch me.

You don't need
to be drinking.

You don't need
to be nagging me.

What is wrong with you?

That's what the hell
I want to know, son.

You better take some
of that tone out of your voice

talking to that
woman like that.

I'm not gonna sit here
and let that happen.

Mama, he all right.

Uh-oh.

Come on, baby,
let's go upstairs.

A.J.: Why you running?

A.J. Go sleep it off.

Yeah. That's what
he liked to do.

Sleep it off and on.
Ain't that right, Renee?

Is there something
you're trying to say, A.J.?

No.

Are you sure?

- A.J.: No, ma'am.
- CAROL: What's going on?

'Cause I ain't got time
to be bothered with this

and you
and your foolishness.

- Why is it always me?
- 'Cause it is.

You're just like
your daddy.

I ain't nothing like him.

I'm not gonna
argue with you.

Hey, I know you're not
just gonna sit there.

Aren't you gonna
say something?

What the hell you asking me
to say something for?

I ain't got nothing to say here.
I'm finna watch this.

Too many secrets
need to come all out.

Yeah, I wish
we had some popcorn.

Come on. Vianne,
let's go upstairs.

We ain't gotta deal
with all this drama.

I'm sick of this!

You help her like you helped
my daddy in that hotel room.

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)
- Yeah, they was in that hotel.

That's how he died.

She was with him.

Ooh-ooh.

Mama, look, that's the truth.
I'm sorry.

But it is.

Is he telling the truth?

Yeah.

Ah. Fix it, Jesus.

You need to leave.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Yeah, you right. I'll go.

But why don't you ask him why
he was at the hotel, too, huh?

Uh-oh. I believe it
done hit the fan.

- BAM: Yeah.
- He ain't even cold yet.

And you need to stop
messing around with Gia.

- There it is.
- GIA: What?

Since we putting it
all out there,

you wanna tell
the whole family

that you and A.J.
was at the same hotel as me and Anthony?

What're you talking about?

Oh.

Sweetie, don't lie.

See, 'cause that
just makes it worse.

- What?
- Oh. Oh, yeah, Jessie.

See, they were in the
same hotel room together

in the room right next to us.
That's how they heard us.

Now it's all out there.

You need to get the
hell out of here now.

- Just go.
- (SIGHS LOUDLY)

I'll go.

But I told you.

I'm not the one
to be played with.

Gia?

Baby, it's not
what you think.

Okay.

Come on.
We need to talk.

Now!

What the hell you
looking at him for?

(GIA SIGHS)

- Let's go!
- Hey! Hey!

What? Huh?

What you got
to say to me?

Say something.

With your trifling ass.

- Don't put your hands on her like that.
- Stop it, A.J. Stop it!

Let's go, babe.
Let's go talk, come on!

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Say something.
With your weak ass.

Mmm-hmm.

Like I thought.

Just like your daddy
and your mama.

- VIANNE: Stop it now.
- Come on. Step.

VIANNE:
Stop it right now!

Hey, cut it out, guys.

Brian, shut up, bitch.
Shut up.

You sleeping with him?

I'm sorry.

Stop it, and stop it now.

Hey. Stop it, guys.

You all wanna
fight like animals.

You just gonna let her walk
out of here like that, Mama?

You're so damn weak.

So you think I'm weak?

Mama, he's drunk.

No, that's what he said.

Thinks I'm weak for
staying with his daddy.

Sometimes,
I thought so, too.

The first time
he cheated,

I walked out on him.
Left him.

He begged me
to come back.

I was filled
with a weakness.

Something y'all
don't know about

called love.

So I went back to him.

Even then,
he didn't stop cheating.

He just got better
at hiding it.

The second time
he cheated,

I left him again.

You all were six,

and four.

And you were
on the way.

What was I supposed to do?

I didn't have no life skills.

I went from my mama's house
and moved straight into his.

But I left him.

Wow.

VIANNE:
Walked right on out.

Got me an apartment

and a job working
as a secretary

with no degree.

And I had to leave y'all
with my crazy-ass family.

After a while,

I didn't know who I
was leaving y'all with.

I couldn't protect you
and work at the same time,

and he knew it.

He was an arrogant son
of a bitch.

This time, he didn't
beg me to come back.

I had to make some choices.

When he found me

sitting on the doorstep
at his job,

(SNIFFS)

he asked me if I had
learned my lesson.

I swallowed my pride
and said yes.

He said, "I'll pick up
you and the kids."

It was two more weeks
before he came back to get us.

You say I'm weak.

I say I'm strong.

'Cause I spent years
smiling and grinning

when I hated his damn guts!

He never stopped cheating.

He was a whore,
and that's what he did.

But I kept
my damn mouth shut

so he would
take care of you.

So, forgive me

if I didn't do it your
21st-century way

with all your options.

- Mama.
- VIANNE: No, "Mama" nothing.

You're just like him.

You got a good woman

and you won't stop
whoring around on her.

No, Mama.

VIANNE: No.

You hate. You rebel.

You won't do right.

Now, Carol,
you got options.

No kids
and daddy's money.

If I was in your position,

I'd leave this boy

until he found out
what the hell a man is.

And, Jessie,

you wanted your daddy's
attention so much,

you found a woman
just like him.

Mama, I'm sorry.

No. Don't be sorry.

I'm all right.

I promise you.

Now that your
daddy's gone,

I'm gonna live for me.

Y'all are grown.

It's my time now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MADEA: Let's go on
in the house.

Hell, you know how people
in these nice neighborhoods,

they don't care.

Don't tell me nothing.
I'm going in here, and I'm gonna sit down.

I ain't got nothing to say.

- That's exactly what you need to do.
- Mabel?

- Huh?
- Leave me alone. Still got that funeral smell.

It sure do. Hey, honey,
how you doing?

- Hi.
- Y'all still here?

I thought you'd be
gone after all of that.

Yeah, we're...
We're leaving today.

You all right? Sit down,
sit down, sit down.

How things go with y'all?

I'm just waiting for A.J.
to get up. I wanna talk to him.

What you mean,
"waiting on him to get up"?

He's asleep after all of this?
What you wanna talk about?

I wanna leave him.

Then that's
what you should do.

She should walk
on out on his ass.

That's it. What you do.

But that's gonna hurt
like hell, and I don't...

MADEA: Baby,
just 'cause something hurt like hell

don't mean you
ain't supposed to do it.

Sometimes, you gotta
go through the hurt

and the pain,
and the suffering or whatever the hell

to get away from somebody
that ain't treating you right.

Take some time
for yourself.

Get away from the situation

and really think
about it, pray about it,

talk to God,
and see what it is.

Lot of folk run out
on marriages too quick

just 'cause somebody
messed around and cheated.

Now, I'm not saying stay with
somebody that's cheating. (STAMMERS)

What I'm telling you is this,

sometime people
leave too early.

Take your time,
try to figure out what's going on first.

CAROL: Well,
what if he does...

- What if he does it again?
- You can't just sit there

and let that happen over
and over again.

Make him respect you.

- I can see if you was ugly...
- HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.

...but you ain't even ugly.

No, she ain't ugly.
She's a pretty girl.

You a pretty girl.

Sometime ugly women have to
sit there and deal with that,

- but not a pretty woman.
- BAM: They do.

Not with a ass like yours.
Did you see this ass?

I've never dealt with nothing
because of this ass right here.

- Do you understand?
- HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.

- You gotta make him respect you.
- That's right.

When you got a ass,
you make him respect you.

So this is what you need to do.
If you wanna be with the man, fine.

That's your choice, your call.
Y'all figure it out.

But you got to
set up some rules.

You tell him, "Look,
if you break these rules,

"I'mma break your neck."

If you can't break his neck,
hire somebody.

Look, $25. I got him.

Sounds like
we're playing a game

and I don't wanna
play games with him.

MADEA: It's not a game.
It's life.

When somebody do something
to you that ain't right,

that hurts your feelings,

that makes you
feel really bad,

what you have to do
is straighten that out.

That ain't no game.
You understand?

WOMEN: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

BAM: Good morning, there.

- HATTIE: Good morning.
- Good morning.

You bashing me, too?

Oh, did he say
he wanna be bashed?

That's exactly what it
sounded like he said to me.

I know you ain't
walking up on me.

You better back up
and sit down somewhere, son,

'cause I will knock your...
(STAMMERS)

"Am I bashing you, too?"

I'm trying to help
your ignorant ass.

(SIGHS) Oh, yeah?

I already feel like hell.

MADEA:
You feel like hell?

What the hell you think
you done did to her?

You ought
to feel like dung.

Dumping this woman out when
she done been good to you.

Look, baby,
I am so sorry.

Watch this.
Let me tell you what he gonna say.

"I don't even know
why I was with her."

I don't know why I was
with her. I'm... I'm sorry.

Then he gonna say,
"I'm just tired."

You know?
I'm just tired.

Then he gonna say,
"I apologize, baby."

Baby, you know
I'm sorry.

MADEA:
"It'll never happen again."

And I'll never do it again.

- You the only one for me.
- MADEA: "You the only one for me."

- Baby, I love you.
- MADEA: "Baby, I love you."

- Baby, I'd be lost without you.
- MADEA: "I'd be lost without you."

Boy, let me ask you something.

You know how many women
done heard this before?

Cleopatra heard this.

Harriet Tubman heard it,
Rosa Parks,

everybody heard this.

Mary and Martha,

they all heard
the same lines.

Son, you wanna be
with this woman?

Watch, he'll say, "I do."

- I do.
- MADEA: Mmm-hmm. I know. Do you love her?

Yes.

Then why're you
cheating on me?

Is there something that I could do?
Do you want me to...

To be a better person?
Is there...

No, honey. No. No.

- BAM: Mmm-mmm.
- Did she just say that?

- She did.
- Yeah, she did.

No. When he walk up
out of this house,

he gonna do what he wanna
do, the way he wanna do it.

That ain't got nothing
to do with you.

Marriage is just a contract
between two people.

Y'all supposed
to do everything

in them contract
about them vows.

If you don't do it,
you broke the deal.

So he broke the deal.

So, I don't know why
you would stay with him.

You need to walk the hell
on up out on him.

No. Don't tell her that.

What you mean,
"Don't tell her that"?

Hell, you broke the deal,
didn't you?

Yeah, but that don't necessarily
mean I want her to go.

Let me make sure
I understand this.

So you wanna cheat on her,
you wanna dog her out,

you wanna talk to her
like she ain't nothing,

but you don't want her to go.

Something is wrong
with you, boy.

- (HATTIE LAUGHS)
- Do y'all wanna stay together?

Yes.

Do you wanna
try to do better?

Yes, I swear I'll change.

You gonna stop lying?

Yes.

First thing y'all can do
is get some counseling.

You need some
separate counseling

'cause you got anger issues.

And I used to be really angry,
but now I'm so much better.

The only time I punch
a bitch in the face

is if she say something
to me I don't like.

So I'm so much better
than what I was.

Get some counseling,
all right?

Then y'all get some counseling
together to work on this marriage.

Baby.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Until you can learn to
respect me and yourself,

I gotta go.

I can't do this anymore.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You gonna leave me?

I'm sorry.

Come on, baby.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Good morning!
- Good morning.

- WILL: Hey.
- Good morning.

Well, we'll see y'all.

SYLVIA:
Has Mama been down?

No, she hasn't.

How you holding up?

Not great.

But I'll be all right.

SYLVIA: Yeah. I know.
It's been a mess.

I'm so sorry.

- JESSIE: Hey.
- HATTIE: Good morning.

- Good morning to you.
- Good morning.

So good
to see all of y'all.

Truly, honestly.

But don't call me
unless somebody die, okay?

Damn, boy, come back here.
That's your family.

Jessie!

You ain't got nothing
to say to me, man.

Just hear him out, okay?

I'm sorry, man.

- Yeah.
- A.J.: Really.

I was tipsy last night,

and I didn't really
mean none of that.

I'm sorry I messed
around with her.

I'm sorry that
I was lying to you.

It's coming from the heart, man.
I'm really sorry.

No, you sorry
you got caught.

Look, it's really
all I can say.

Yeah. You right about that.

That's all you can say.

MADEA: Look, son.
You can't choose your family.

If I could choose my family,

none of them
would be in my life.

Family is all you got.

Even if you can't stand them.
So y'all try to work this out.

He gonna get some counseling,
he gonna get some help.

Listen, just keep your women
away from him.

Don't ever bring
a woman around him.

Unless she toe-up.

You wanna really get him,
get you a toe-up woman

and bring her around him

and keep your nice, fine,
sexy woman like me hidden.

Hattie, you bring around.

But me, you keep hidden,
you understand?

Tall and sexy.

At least say bye to Mama.

Where's she at anyway?

We're waiting for her
to come down.

Look, um, I'll make us
some breakfast, okay?

Girl, hush! Hell, nobody wanna
eat no food right now. We mad.

Carol. You still here?

Not for long.

MADEA: Look here. I'm glad
he trying to apologize, baby.

Even if you can't
hear it right now,

at least you can
take that apology,

put it somewhere
in your pocket,

maybe one day
it'll make some sense to you.

But until then,
may not be nothing you can do.

'Cause I'mma
tell you right now.

You're just like your daddy

and if you don't wanna be
like him, you can change.

Just 'cause your daddy did it,
don't mean you got to do it, too. Change.

People be lying to themselves
and lying to God, too.

Start with you,
working on you.

Telling the truth to yourself.

I don't wanna be this guy.
I don't wanna be my father.

Your daddy was something else.
If he was here,

you know what he probably
be saying right now?

- BAM: What?
- (CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

- What the hell?
- Wait, what?

- WILL: It's your dad.
- SYLVIA: What?

How the hell
he calling here?

Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.

Mmm-mmm.
He calling from hell.

Don't answer that, boy!
That's God, don't! (SPEAKS IN TONGUES)

Okay.

Wait, what happened?

What'd he say? Did he
say he was in hell?

You know Mama and Daddy
got the same phone.

She at the door.

Oh.

- Why the hell she ain't knock?
- BAM: That what I said.

- (SCOFFS)
- VIANNE: I'll be just a second.

Well, you all still here.

Who that out there?

VIANNE:
Thought you were gone.

Since you still here,
y'all gonna get a eyeful.

MADEA: Oh-oh.

Um, Mama, who is that?

The man that should've
been your daddy.

- Ooh.
- MADEA: Ooh!

SYLVIA: What?

Mama, where you been?

I think you call it hoeing.

Why is he still
sitting out there?

He is taking me
to Vegas for the weekend.

Oh, no, Mama.
You are not about to go to Vegas

with some strange man
you just met.

(LAUGHS) I know the pot ain't
talking about the kettle.

Mama!

I don't believe
he's no stranger.

I think they ain't just met last night.
(LAUGHS)

I believe that's been
going on for a while.

I just came by
to get my phone.

And this.

And what is that?

It's called a hoe bag.

I know what that is.

- Toothbrush...
- HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.

...and a little bit of floss and
I'm not talking about the kind

you put in your teeth.
(LAUGHS)

It has all the equipment
for an overnight stay.

Started to take it last night,

but I didn't wanna
seem desperate.

Oh. Mama.

Don't make him
think you a hoe

until it's time
for you to be one.

I don't care what
y'all dealing with,

I don't wanna hear
no more of it.

Figure it out for yourselves.

I'll see y'all later.

- Ta-ta!
- (MADEA LAUGHS)

Wait, I got to see
who she's with out here!

Come on, y'all see him.

SYLVIA: Mama! Ma, come back!
Let me see what you...

- Ma! You can't... What?
- Look who she with, girl!

Vi, where you going?

Oh, I'm taking you
to Vegas with me tonight.

All right, baby. Thank you.

- JESSIE: Mama!
- Where did you meet him?

BAM: He big.

MADEA: All right,
y'all have a good time!

- Uh-huh, we will. (LAUGHS)
- Don't even worry about her.

- She's gonna be okay!
- Ta-ta!

MADEA: All right, now.

- BAM: Ooh, Vianne!
- MADEA: See y'all later on!

- BAM: Bye, bye!
- (MADEA LAUGHING)

We'll see y'all later.

Y'all gotta figure it out
for yourself,

like your mama said.

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Hold on. Let me tell you something.

There come
a time in your life

where the parents have
to do what they gotta do

and the kids gotta do
what y'all need to do.

Y'all grown.
Figure this out!

- Come on, let's go!
- Um...

You ain't gotta
stay with him there.

- SYLVIA: Bye, y'all.
- MADEA: Come on,

I'll show you
how to get a man.

BAM: Mabel, tell me what
that was on that man's face.

BAM: You
and Heathrow brothers?

And Madea, yeah.
You didn't know that?

BAM: I didn't know he...

That's my brother.
Your ignorant ass didn't know that?

- BAM: No!
- Did you read the damn script?

- BAM: Yeah, I read it.
- (LAUGHTER)

How you gonna take away
a man's ability to make sound?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Subtitles by explosiveskull