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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,581 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING] 3 00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,882 DOUG [ON RECORDING]: You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. 4 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,217 Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you. 5 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,635 [PHONE LINE BEEPS] 6 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:56,305 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING] 7 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,644 STU [ON RECORDING]: Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. 8 00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,147 Please leave a message after... 9 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,983 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING] 10 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,113 PHIL [ON RECORDING]: Hey, this is Phil. 11 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:16,325 Leave me a message or don't. Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay. 12 00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,328 - Anything? TRACY: I tried them all. 13 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,580 It keeps going straight to voicemail. 14 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,499 Well, there has to be an explanation. 15 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:26,460 Sweetie, it's Vegas. You lose track of time in casinos. 16 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,005 There's no windows, there's no clocks. He's probably on a heater. 17 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:34,343 And you never walk away from the table when you're on a heater. 18 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,345 You do if you're getting married. 19 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,388 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 20 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,808 - Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil. 21 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:43,018 Phil, where the hell are you guys? 22 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,437 [OVER PHONE] I'm freaking out. 23 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,022 Yeah, listen. 24 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,649 Uh... 25 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,194 We fucked up. 26 00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:57,282 - What are you talking about? - The bachelor party, the whole night. It... 27 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,452 Things got out of control, uh... 28 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,872 ...and we lost Doug. 29 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,792 - What? - We can't find Doug. 30 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,379 What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours. 31 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,673 Yeah. 32 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,968 That's not gonna happen. 33 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,017 MAN: To my left a little. 34 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,810 Thank you. 35 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,437 Okey-dokey. 36 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,402 - Whoa, watch it, pervert! - Alan, he's just doing your inseam. 37 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:03,200 - He's getting very close to my shaft. - All done. You can change now. 38 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:06,745 Right. Thanks, Floyd. Thank you very much. 39 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,873 All right, buddy, we should get a move on. 40 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:14,127 You know, Doug, I was thinking... 41 00:04:14,295 --> 00:04:17,422 If you wanna go to Vegas without me, that is totally cool, you know? 42 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,341 What are you talking about? 43 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:23,011 You know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party. 44 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:25,264 Come on, Alan. Those two love you. 45 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:28,350 ALAN: And also, I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back... 46 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,936 ...because your wife's brother's there. I just... 47 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,021 It's not like that. 48 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,277 It's not like that. I already told you, Alan. 49 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,531 Okay? We're just spending the night in Vegas. It's no big deal. 50 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:46,868 Besides, you're not just my wife's brother, you're my brother now. 51 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:53,083 I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. 52 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:57,546 Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it. 53 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,382 Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that... 54 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:03,510 Seriously. I don't care what happens. 55 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,388 - I don't care if we kill someone. - What? 56 00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:09,057 You heard me. It's Sin City. 57 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,477 [WHISPERING] I won't tell a soul. 58 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,355 Okay. I got it. 59 00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,527 - Thank you. [IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thank you. 60 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,906 I love you so much. 61 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,659 - Ha. I knew it. - Dad. 62 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,369 Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around. 63 00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,205 Alan, put some pants on. You have weird legs. 64 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:33,415 Yes, Daddy. 65 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,459 - His legs look fine, Dad. - Oh, please. 66 00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:39,463 He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky. 67 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:47,012 Alan, I'm just teasing. You have wonderful legs. 68 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,307 They're better than your mother's. They're beautiful. 69 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,769 Can you believe this? Just two more days. 70 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:57,064 DOUG: I know. You getting nervous? 71 00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,566 - You wanna back out? - Shut up. 72 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,985 Just tell me. Oh. Mm. 73 00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,781 You know, I don't need to go to Vegas. It's dumb. 74 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:09,451 It's not dumb. It's one night. Have fun, you deserve it. 75 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,703 I know, but we should have gone last weekend. 76 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,706 We have so much to do. L... I'm gonna cancel. 77 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,751 My brother packed his bag two weeks ago. You're not canceling. 78 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,169 - Really? - Yeah. 79 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,380 - Two weeks? - Yeah, he's excited. 80 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,466 Thanks again for bringing him, by the way. 81 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,302 You don't need to thank me, it's nothing. He's a cool guy. 82 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,638 It's not nothing and he's not a cool guy... 83 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,973 ...so thank you. 84 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,476 Thank you. 85 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,270 Thank you. 86 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,693 Hey, Sid. 87 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:48,156 I just wanted to thank you guys again for everything you're doing this weekend. 88 00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,575 - We couldn't be more excited. - Ah, that's great. 89 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:54,496 Yeah, okay. You love us and we love you. Terrific. 90 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,540 So talk to me about Vegas. 91 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,834 - Uh... It should be pretty mellow. - Mm-hm. 92 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:02,337 Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays, have a few laughs. 93 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,674 Yeah, some laughs. I got you. 94 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,300 How you getting out there? 95 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:10,262 Uh, we're gonna take my car. Gonna pick up my friends after this. 96 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,849 - Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas? - Yeah. 97 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,685 You know, when you go to Vegas... 98 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:18,186 ...you gotta go to Vegas. 99 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,439 DOUG: No. Sid. 100 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:27,487 - Really? SID: Come on, we're family now. 101 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:31,783 - You sure? I mean, you love this car. - Doug, it's just a car. 102 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:36,329 Just make sure to put some Armor All on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in. 103 00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,707 Absolutely. That's easy. 104 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:43,462 Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him. 105 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:44,671 DOUG: Understood. 106 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,340 Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him. 107 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:51,970 I will be the only one driving this car. I promise. 108 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,180 Good. 109 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:56,391 Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 110 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,059 Ah! 111 00:07:58,227 --> 00:07:59,394 [CHUCKLES] 112 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,772 Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you. 113 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:03,982 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 114 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,693 All right. Hold on. I still need some of your permission slips... 115 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:10,322 ...and $90 for the field trip to the Griffith Observatory next weekend. 116 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:14,493 Pay now, or forever regret missing out on the experience of a lifetime, guys. 117 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:15,869 You're good, you got it. 118 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,829 STUDENT: Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. PHIL: Thank you. Hey. 119 00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,706 You really came through, thank you. 120 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:23,001 Whoa, Max. What gives? What, no planetarium? 121 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,420 My mom won't give me the money. I'm grounded. 122 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,714 - Well, how much you got on you? - I don't know. 123 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,217 Like, 20 bucks. 124 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,761 Well, give me the 20 and I'll cover the rest. 125 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,515 - Really? - Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it. 126 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,683 But give me the 20 so I know you're serious. 127 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,603 - Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. - Yeah. 128 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,291 STUDENT: Hold on, I got it. 129 00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:06,127 Ahem, do you have to park so close? 130 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:09,130 - Yeah. What's wrong? - I shouldn't be here. 131 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,382 Why is that, Alan? 132 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,969 I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school. 133 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,514 - What? - Or a Chuck E. Cheese. 134 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:23,061 BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was... - It's the weekend. 135 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,146 I don't know you. You do not exist. 136 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:28,149 - Shit. DOUG: Heh, heh, heh. 137 00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:29,985 - Nice car. DOUG: Yeah. 138 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,820 - I'm driving. DOUG: Whoa, no chance, buddy... 139 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,072 Don't step... God. Watch the leath... 140 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,033 Shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question. 141 00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:38,827 - Animal. - Who's this? 142 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,163 - It's Alan. Tracy's brother. - I met you, like, four times. 143 00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,624 Oh, yeah. How you doing, man? 144 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,168 MELISSA: Don't forget your Rogaine. 145 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,672 STU: Rogaine, check. 146 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,049 And don't forget to use it. 147 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,511 I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner. 148 00:09:57,305 --> 00:10:00,223 Using of the Rogaine, check. 149 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,934 Make sure to call me right when you get to the hotel... 150 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,645 ...not like that conference in Phoenix. 151 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:08,315 I had to wait two hours for you to call me. 152 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,151 Yeah, I was the keynote speaker. I was late to the podium. 153 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:14,529 - Still? - Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry. 154 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,533 - What is the matter? MELISSA: I don't know. 155 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,453 I hope you're not gonna go to some strip club when you're up there. 156 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,289 STU: Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley. 157 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,083 I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country. 158 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:31,212 Well, I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out. 159 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,672 [SIGHS] 160 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,674 It's not gonna be like that. 161 00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,718 Besides, you know how I feel about that. 162 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:40,805 I know, I know. It's just boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross. 163 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:45,226 You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm. 164 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:48,521 And you know what else, honestly? 165 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:53,401 Why would I risk this for, you know, a couple of minutes... 166 00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:58,657 ...of some 19-year-old hard body in a schoolgirl outfit? 167 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:00,992 - Yeah. - Why would I ever need, like... 168 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,079 - You're right. And if you ever do... - What? 169 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,373 ...I will fucking kick your ass. 170 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,877 Thank you. Thank you for that. 171 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:14,422 That is exactly what I needed to hear. 172 00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,132 Not to mention it's pathetic. 173 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,761 Those places are filthy. And the worst part is... 174 00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,138 ...that little girl... 175 00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:26,017 ...grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there... 176 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:29,938 ...that's somebody's daughter up there. - I was just gonna say that. 177 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:33,108 See? I just wish your friends were as mature as you. 178 00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:36,486 They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better. 179 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,489 PHIL: Paging Dr. Faggot. 180 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,119 Dr. Faggot! 181 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,916 - I should go. - That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot. 182 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,629 Have a good weekend. I'm gonna miss you. 183 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,642 Whoo! 184 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,186 Road trip! 185 00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:11,938 [SCREAMS] 186 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,608 Vegas! Vegas, baby! 187 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,860 Vegas! 188 00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:18,319 [LAUGHS] 189 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,238 You're nuts! 190 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:27,245 Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us. 191 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:32,333 Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. 192 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:33,668 Besides, you're drinking. 193 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:37,005 Oh, what are you, a cop now? You know I drive great when I'm drunk. 194 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,216 True. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver. 195 00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:42,761 Yeah. You wanna explain it to them, Alan? 196 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:46,055 Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah. 197 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:49,476 Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys. 198 00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:52,187 - You know how difficult that was? - That's really sweet. 199 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:54,314 - Yeah. - Dude, I was being sarcastic. 200 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:55,565 I fucking hate my life. 201 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:59,068 - I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas. - Here we go. 202 00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,237 Doug, enjoy yourself, because come Sunday... 203 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,783 ...you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day. 204 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,870 Yeah. That's why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know? 205 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,831 - Oh, really? That's why you're single? - Yeah. 206 00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:13,958 Cool. Good to know. 207 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,545 - Am I all right over there, Alan? - Yeah, you're good. 208 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,048 [TRUCK HONKS] 209 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,216 [TIRES SQUEAL] 210 00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,801 DOUG: Aw, Jesus Christ! 211 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,804 - Oh, my God! - That was awesome! 212 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:28,264 That was not awesome. What's wrong with you? 213 00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:34,229 - That was insane. We almost just died. - You should have seen your face. 214 00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:36,773 - Classic. - That's funny. Ha-ha. 215 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,691 It's not funny. 216 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,999 [MAN WHISTLES] 217 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:59,254 - Boy, you've got a sweet ride there. - Don't touch it. 218 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:04,008 Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. 219 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,220 You heard me. Don't look at me, either. 220 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,433 Yeah, you better walk on. 221 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:15,770 - He's actually kind of funny. - Yeah, he means well. 222 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,314 ALAN: I'll hit an old man in public. 223 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,484 Is he all there? Like, mentally? 224 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,779 I think so. He's just an odd guy. You know, he's kind of weird. 225 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,531 - I mean, should we be worried? - No. 226 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,157 - All right. - No. 227 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,160 Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble. 228 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:32,954 Or drink too much. 229 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,958 Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit. 230 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:39,294 STU: And one water. 231 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,629 - All good with Melissa? - Oh, yeah. 232 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:47,093 Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it. 233 00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:50,305 You think it's strange you've been in a relationship for years... 234 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,098 ...and you have to lie about Vegas? 235 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,976 Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight. 236 00:14:55,144 --> 00:15:00,356 Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line? 237 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:01,566 Hey. 238 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:05,236 Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. 239 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,654 And she was wasted. 240 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:11,284 And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her. 241 00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:12,994 And you believe that? 242 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:17,749 Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen. 243 00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:19,500 That'll be 32.50. 244 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,837 It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it? 245 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:30,136 It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter? 246 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,973 I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan. 247 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,100 Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? 248 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,519 It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. 249 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,563 Counting cards is a foolproof system. 250 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,273 It's also illegal. 251 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:47,070 It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane. 252 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:48,863 [CHUCKLES] 253 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,657 I'm pretty sure that's illegal too. 254 00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:54,077 Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. 255 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,705 Thanks a lot, Bin Laden. 256 00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:02,961 Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay? 257 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:04,379 ALAN: Oh, really? - It's not easy. 258 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,631 Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man... 259 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,884 ...because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. 260 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,219 What? 261 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,054 He was a retard. 262 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:15,139 Retard. 263 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,765 PHIL: Here we go. 264 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:00,977 WOMAN: Hi, welcome to Caesars. 265 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,353 STU: Hello. WOMAN: Checking in? 266 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,897 Yeah. We have a reservation under Dr. Price. 267 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,275 LISA: Okay, let me look that up for you. 268 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,568 Dr. Price? 269 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:12,697 Stu, you're a dentist, okay? Don't try and get fancy. 270 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:17,285 - It's not fancy if it's true. - He's a dentist. Don't get too excited. 271 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,371 And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911. 272 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,248 We'll be sure to do that. 273 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,793 Can I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly? 274 00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,838 - What do you mean? - I'm not getting a sig on my beeper. 275 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:32,300 - I'm not sure. ALAN: Is there a payphone bank? 276 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,470 Bunch of payphones? Business. 277 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,181 Um, there's a phone in your room. 278 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,266 That'll work. 279 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:44,312 So I have you in a two-bedroom suite on the 12th floor, is that okay? 280 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,772 It sounds perfect. 281 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,316 Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas. 282 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,069 - We're not even gonna be in the room. - It's unnecessary. 283 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:53,362 No big deal. We can share beds. It's one night. 284 00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,573 If we're share beds, I'm bunking with Phil. 285 00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:58,576 - You good with that? - No, I'm not. 286 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:02,163 Guys, we are not sharing beds. What are we, 12 years old? 287 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,332 Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa? 288 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,460 Well, we have one villa available, and it's 4200 for the night. 289 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,754 - Is it awesome? - It's pretty awesome. 290 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:14,133 - We'll take it. Give her your credit card. - I can't give her my credit card. 291 00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,762 - We'll split it. - Are you crazy? No, this is on us. 292 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,100 You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements. 293 00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,893 We just need a credit card on file. 294 00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:27,146 We won't charge you until check out, so you can figure it out then. 295 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:30,817 That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa. We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on. 296 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,444 Fine. 297 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,197 - Can I ask you another question? LISA: Sure. 298 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,657 You probably get this a lot. 299 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,034 This isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it? 300 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,577 What do you mean? 301 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,288 Did, uh... 302 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,334 - Did Caesar live here? - Um, no. 303 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,170 I didn't think so. 304 00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,848 STU: Holy shit. 305 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,057 [PHIL GROANS] 306 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,851 PHIL: Now, this is Vegas. 307 00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:09,564 DOUG: Oh, my... This place is enormous. 308 00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:10,815 PHIL: Now we're talking. 309 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,860 Is this all one suite? 310 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,195 Thank you, guys. 311 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,239 Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"? 312 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,491 You're welcome. It's only because I love you. 313 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:25,496 Hey, guys. Look, free almonds. 314 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,124 - Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back. - Wait, I'm just hungry. 315 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,252 - Well, I know, but... - Stu, what the fuck? 316 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:35,631 It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick it up, you have 30 seconds to put it back... 317 00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,800 ...or they bill you. ALAN: That's pretty neat. 318 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:40,428 STU: It may be neat, but it's also very expensive, so... 319 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,889 Those almonds are probably, like, $14. 320 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:44,932 Stu, relax. 321 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,436 Phil, Melissa is like a forensic accountant, okay? 322 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,771 She scours my statements. If you want nuts... 323 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,941 ...put your own credit card down. - Watch this. 324 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,405 Problem solved. Alan, enjoy your almonds. 325 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,949 I don't want them. He ruined it. 326 00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:07,038 All right, let's pick a room, let's get dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes. 327 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:12,460 I just wish you could see this place, because you, of all people, would love it. 328 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,963 Yeah. No, it's so quaint. 329 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,175 Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones. 330 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:23,429 They just have these cute little antique radios in all the rooms. 331 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,223 Yeah. 332 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,808 What else? Um... 333 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,645 We met the, uh, proprietor. 334 00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,189 - Oh, I bet you... STU: What's his name? 335 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,649 Um, Caesar. Palacé. 336 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,318 Yeah, like the salad. 337 00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:41,906 Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go, because we're gonna hit this wine tasting. 338 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:46,327 Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye. 339 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,580 I'm not even gonna say anything, it's so embarrassing. 340 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,999 - Where's Alan? - He, uh, he went downstairs. 341 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,168 He said he had to grab a few things. 342 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:59,507 Good, because I have something to show you. 343 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,343 DOUG: Uh-Oh. 344 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,512 - What the hell is that? STU: What do you think? 345 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,890 If it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake. 346 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:11,686 I'm gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony. 347 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:15,356 - Stuey, congratulations! - Thank you, Doug. 348 00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:18,526 - That's a beautiful ring. - Yeah. It's my grandmother's. 349 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,654 She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. 350 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,699 Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said? 351 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:28,286 Phil, we've been dating for three years. It's time. This is how it works. 352 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,706 A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch. 353 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:34,041 Hey, that's his fiancée. 354 00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:37,670 What? It's true. It's true. You know it's true. She beats him. 355 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,798 That was twice, and I was out of line. 356 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,384 She's strong-willed. And I respect that. 357 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,386 Wow. Wow. 358 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,431 He's in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor. 359 00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:49,890 DOUG: Hey, he wasn't a sailor. 360 00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:53,477 He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that. 361 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:57,940 Guys, I'm standing right here. So I can hear everything that you're saying. 362 00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:00,234 Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out? 363 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,902 - What? - Do what? 364 00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,404 ALAN: Let the dogs out. You know. 365 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,407 [SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"] 366 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:07,575 Who brought this guy? 367 00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,994 DOUG: Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out. 368 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,080 - Hey, congrats. - Thank you. 369 00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,927 I love this fucking town. 370 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:37,104 - You're not really wearing that, are you? - Wearing what? 371 00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:39,148 The man-purse. 372 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:42,276 You're actually gonna wear that or are you guys fucking with me? 373 00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,571 It's where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. 374 00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:47,990 Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel. 375 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,283 Indiana Jones wears one. 376 00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:51,786 So does Joy Behar. 377 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,708 - We're going up, guys. - Yeah, that's perfect. 378 00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,543 STU: Really? 379 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,337 We're going up? 380 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,886 I'm just saying, it's clearly marked, okay? 381 00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,138 We are definitely not supposed to be up here. 382 00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:14,558 Come on, we're paying for a villa. We can do whatever the fuck we want. 383 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:16,727 - Yeah, but... - Just wedge the door open. 384 00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:19,188 - Guys, come on up here. - Fine. 385 00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:25,528 DOUG: How the hell did you find this place? 386 00:23:25,695 --> 00:23:27,196 Don't worry about it. 387 00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:28,948 Oh! 388 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,325 - You all right? - Yeah. 389 00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,995 - Look at the view up here. - You happy? 390 00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:36,414 - This is great. - Whoa! 391 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,623 [PHIL CHUCKLES] 392 00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:38,833 Are you kidding? 393 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,377 PHIL: Alan, how we doing, buddy? - Good. 394 00:23:41,545 --> 00:23:44,338 DOUG: What do you got over there, Alan? STU: That's the Eiffel Tower. 395 00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:46,549 Uh-oh. 396 00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,426 - Right? - A little Jägermeister. 397 00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:50,219 - Good idea. - There it is. Good call. 398 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,470 On the roof. 399 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:55,558 Um, no, this is good. I'd like to make a toast. 400 00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:57,685 To Doug and Tracy. 401 00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:00,646 May tonight be... 402 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,107 ...but a minor speed bump... 403 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:05,943 ...in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage. 404 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:07,528 - Cheers. - Cheers. 405 00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:08,737 Short and sweet. 406 00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:13,325 DOUG: Oh, it's like college. 407 00:24:13,493 --> 00:24:15,911 - All right. I wanna talk about something. DOUG: All right. 408 00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:17,371 - I want to... ALAN: I'd like to... 409 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:20,583 I'd like to say something... 410 00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:23,377 ...that I prepared... 411 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:26,255 ...tonight. - All right, Alan. 412 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,136 "Hello. 413 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:35,639 How about that ride in? 414 00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:37,892 I guess that's why they call it Sin City. 415 00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:40,186 [ALAN CHUCKLES] 416 00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:45,274 You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. 417 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:48,652 I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. 418 00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:53,908 But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. 419 00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:58,704 And my wolf pack, it grew by one. 420 00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,665 So were there two... So there were two of us in the wolf pack. 421 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:06,128 I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. 422 00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:08,714 And six months ago... 423 00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:11,926 ...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought: 424 00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:16,096 'Wait a second. Could it be? ' And now, I know for sure. 425 00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:18,891 I just added two more guys to my wolf pack." 426 00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:21,268 - All right. - All right. 427 00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:22,978 ALAN: "Four of us wolves... 428 00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:27,066 ...running around the desert together in Las Vegas... 429 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:29,693 ...looking for strippers and cocaine." 430 00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:30,903 So tonight... 431 00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:33,113 ...I make a toast. - Whoa. 432 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,157 - What...? - What do you got there? 433 00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,785 PHIL: Dude, what the fuck? DOUG: What the hell are you doing? 434 00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:40,454 [ALAN GROANS] 435 00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:44,458 - What is that? - Blood brothers. 436 00:25:44,626 --> 00:25:46,126 - Don't... Why did you...? - Damn it. 437 00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:47,419 - Here. - Alan... 438 00:25:47,587 --> 00:25:49,129 - No. - No, I'm not doing that. 439 00:25:49,297 --> 00:25:50,839 ALAN: Go ahead, Stuart. - Make him stop. 440 00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:53,551 Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves. Give me the knife. 441 00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:56,470 Slowly. Thank you. Okay. Thank you very much. 442 00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:58,472 PHIL: You all right? Are you okay? ALAN: Mm-hm. 443 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,307 - Do you need a doctor? - He's good. 444 00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:01,642 PHIL: You sure? ALAN: I'm good. 445 00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,603 All right, good, because I need everybody to focus. 446 00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:08,607 I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk about some... I wanna talk about memory. 447 00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:11,652 No, better yet, I wanna talk about selective memory. 448 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:16,991 You see, whatever happens here tonight may as well never have happened at all... 449 00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:20,494 ...because this circle's about as far as it's ever gonna go. 450 00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:24,290 In other words, forget everything. 451 00:26:24,457 --> 00:26:25,457 [CHUCKLES] 452 00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:27,293 Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid. 453 00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:32,172 Okay, good or bad, we don't remember so we got nothing to talk about. 454 00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:35,175 Nothing, guys. Nothing. 455 00:26:35,677 --> 00:26:37,261 Deal? 456 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,096 - Deal. STU: Deal. 457 00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:43,684 - Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy. STU: Get in here, crazy. 458 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:48,230 All right, to a night we'll never remember... 459 00:26:50,066 --> 00:26:52,943 ...but the four of us will never forget. 460 00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:59,033 STU: There it is. PHIL: Hear, hear. 461 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,201 DOUG: Hey, thanks, guys. 462 00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:36,088 [GRUNTS & GROANS] 463 00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:45,222 [ALAN GRUNTS] 464 00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:15,961 [GROWLING] 465 00:29:26,055 --> 00:29:27,181 Hm. 466 00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:29,516 Stupid tiger. 467 00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:32,895 [GASPS] 468 00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:34,855 [TIGER ROARS] 469 00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:36,064 [ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT] 470 00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:37,983 PHIL: What the fuck? 471 00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:42,029 Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants? 472 00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:45,115 - Phil, do not go in the bathroom. - AI, just calm down. It's me. 473 00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:47,701 Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom. 474 00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:50,537 - What's going on? - There's a jungle cat in the bathroom! 475 00:29:50,705 --> 00:29:53,207 - Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out. ALAN: Don't go in. 476 00:29:53,374 --> 00:29:56,168 Don't go in, don't go in. Be careful. Don't, don't. 477 00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:57,878 [TIGER GROWLS] 478 00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:00,672 - Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding. ALAN: See? See? 479 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,133 - There's a tiger in there. - No, there isn't. 480 00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,676 Yeah! 481 00:30:04,844 --> 00:30:08,347 - It's big. Gigantic. - You okay, buddy? 482 00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:11,058 No. I am in so much pain right now. 483 00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:14,645 Goddamn. Look at this place. 484 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:15,854 Whew. 485 00:30:16,022 --> 00:30:20,359 I know. Phil, they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed. 486 00:30:20,527 --> 00:30:23,195 How does a tiger get in the bathroom? It almost killed me. 487 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,239 Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? 488 00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:27,449 I find it a little weird I have to ask twice. 489 00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,244 ALAN: Pants at a time like this? I don't have any p... 490 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,664 What the fuck happened last night? 491 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:37,167 Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth? 492 00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:40,629 I can't... Oh, shit. 493 00:30:42,924 --> 00:30:45,467 Oh, my God. 494 00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:47,594 My lateral incisor's... It's gone! 495 00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:52,015 It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down. We're fine. Everything's fine. 496 00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:53,433 Alan, go wake up Doug. 497 00:30:53,601 --> 00:30:57,437 Let's get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows. 498 00:30:57,605 --> 00:31:01,191 What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened. 499 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:02,651 You're freaking me out, man. 500 00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:05,279 I got a massive headache, okay? Let's just calm down. 501 00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:08,031 How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you. 502 00:31:08,491 --> 00:31:11,410 - Hey, guys, he's not in there. - Did you check all the rooms? 503 00:31:11,578 --> 00:31:14,246 Yeah, I looked everywhere. Plus, his mattress is gone. 504 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:16,832 He probably went to the pool to get something to eat. 505 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:18,458 I'll just call his cell. 506 00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:22,087 I look like a nerdy hillbilly. 507 00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:27,134 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 508 00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:37,394 - Hello? - Alan. 509 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:38,812 Hey. 510 00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,316 - It's Phil. - Oh, hey, Phi... 511 00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:44,985 This is Doug's phone. This is Doug's phone. 512 00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:46,153 PHIL: No shit. - Yeah. 513 00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:49,197 [BABY CRYING] 514 00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,368 What the fuck is that? 515 00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:01,460 Whose fucking baby is that? 516 00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,338 Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite? 517 00:32:04,505 --> 00:32:06,548 Yeah, I checked all the rooms. No one's here. 518 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:09,009 Check its collar or something. 519 00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:11,053 Shh. Shh. 520 00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:13,847 - It's okay, baby. - Stu, we don't have time for this. 521 00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:16,683 Let's go hook up with Doug, we'll deal with the baby later. 522 00:32:16,851 --> 00:32:19,019 Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room. 523 00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:22,022 - There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom. - It's not our baby. 524 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,107 Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one. 525 00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:26,360 All right, fine. Okay, we'll take it with us. 526 00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:28,695 Could you at least just find some pants? 527 00:32:36,162 --> 00:32:39,957 Why can't we remember a goddamn thing from last night? 528 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:43,752 Because we obviously had a great fucking time. 529 00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:47,547 Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute? 530 00:32:47,715 --> 00:32:49,049 Be proud of yourself. 531 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:53,345 I don't know, Phil. Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth. 532 00:32:53,554 --> 00:32:58,684 Or maybe it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room... 533 00:32:58,851 --> 00:33:02,396 ...which, incidentally, is completely destroyed. 534 00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:06,024 Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know. 535 00:33:06,192 --> 00:33:10,904 Maybe it's because we found a baby, a human baby. 536 00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,781 That's it. That's it. 537 00:33:12,949 --> 00:33:16,910 It's because we found a fucking baby. 538 00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:21,581 - You shouldn't curse around the child. - Really? You shouldn't be around a child. 539 00:33:21,749 --> 00:33:22,874 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 540 00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:30,590 Oh, how cute. What's his name? 541 00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:35,554 - Ben. - Carlos. 542 00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:38,640 Carlos? 543 00:33:48,985 --> 00:33:50,569 Thank you. 544 00:33:55,616 --> 00:33:56,783 Hey, Phil, look. 545 00:33:57,952 --> 00:33:59,870 [ALAN LAUGHING] 546 00:34:01,622 --> 00:34:03,248 He's jacking his little weenis. 547 00:34:03,791 --> 00:34:07,127 - Pull yourself together, man. - Not at the table, Carlos. 548 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:09,254 [ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE] 549 00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:13,175 I looked everywhere. 550 00:34:13,342 --> 00:34:16,595 Gym, casino, front desk. Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here. 551 00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,221 He's fine. He's a grown man. 552 00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:21,475 Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice. 553 00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:27,731 I can't have juice right now. 554 00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,484 Okay. All right. Let's just track this thing. 555 00:34:30,651 --> 00:34:31,818 [PHIL COUGHS] 556 00:34:31,986 --> 00:34:34,321 What's the last thing we remember doing last night? 557 00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,656 Well, the first thing was we were on the roof... 558 00:34:36,824 --> 00:34:38,450 ...and were having those shots of Jäger. 559 00:34:38,618 --> 00:34:40,786 [RETCHES & COUGHS] 560 00:34:40,953 --> 00:34:42,954 And then we ate dinner at The Palm. Right? 561 00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:44,164 That's right. 562 00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:48,001 And then we played craps at the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there. 563 00:34:48,169 --> 00:34:50,420 That sounds right. No, no. He definitely was. 564 00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:53,423 You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner. 565 00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:56,426 What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over. 566 00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,845 After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness. 567 00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:00,597 [LAUGHS] 568 00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,641 Okay. We have up until 10 p. M... 569 00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:06,061 ...so that gives us a 12-hour window where we could have lost him. 570 00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:10,232 ALAN: What is this? - Oh, my God. That is my tooth. 571 00:35:10,399 --> 00:35:13,443 Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets? 572 00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:16,696 This is a good thing. No. Check your pockets. Check your pockets. 573 00:35:16,864 --> 00:35:18,365 Do you have anything? 574 00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:21,618 I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. 575 00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:28,166 Eleven-oh-five for $800! I am so fucked. 576 00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:32,546 I have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m. 577 00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:34,714 Oh, shit. We drove last night? 578 00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:35,924 [ALAN LAUGHS] 579 00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:37,926 Driving drunk. Classic. 580 00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:39,511 [LAUGHS] 581 00:35:41,305 --> 00:35:43,056 What's on your arm? 582 00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:45,976 - What the fuck is that? - Jesus, Phil. 583 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:49,020 - You were in the hospital last night. - I guess so, yeah. 584 00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:51,565 - You okay? - Yeah, Alan. I'm fine. 585 00:35:51,732 --> 00:35:53,567 What the hell is going on? 586 00:35:53,734 --> 00:35:56,361 Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now. 587 00:35:56,529 --> 00:35:58,029 Hey, Stu, watch this. 588 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:00,866 [LAUGHS] 589 00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:02,075 [CHUCKLES] 590 00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:05,370 - You ever seen a baby do that? - Dude, Alan, not cool. 591 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:12,878 So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby? 592 00:36:13,045 --> 00:36:14,921 What? I've found a baby before. 593 00:36:15,089 --> 00:36:17,382 - You found a baby before? - Yeah. 594 00:36:17,550 --> 00:36:19,259 - Where? - Coffee Bean. 595 00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:22,137 STU: Wait, what? 596 00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:25,432 Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes. 597 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:26,683 Relax, we'll be careful. 598 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,436 My dad is crazy about that car. He left Doug in charge... 599 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:31,855 Alan. We got bigger problems here. 600 00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:33,940 Doug could be in the hospital, he could be hurt. 601 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:35,233 [CRANE BEEPING] 602 00:36:35,401 --> 00:36:38,904 - Let's worry about the car later. - Uh, guys? Check it out. 603 00:36:42,783 --> 00:36:44,701 MAN: All right, grab it from the other side. 604 00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:46,870 Is that the mattress from Doug's room? 605 00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:49,456 PHIL: What the fuck? 606 00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:52,792 Hey, man, what's going on here? 607 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,296 Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night. 608 00:36:56,464 --> 00:36:58,798 - No shit. - Yeah. 609 00:36:58,966 --> 00:37:00,967 Some guys just can't handle Vegas. 610 00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:03,553 Ha-ha. 611 00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:06,514 Oh, God. 612 00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:08,475 It's gonna be okay, Stu. 613 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:11,853 How the hell did we manage that? 614 00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:18,735 - Here's your car, officers. - Oh, God. 615 00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,780 All right, everybody act cool. All right, don't say a word. 616 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,242 Come on, let's just get in and go. Come on. 617 00:37:27,328 --> 00:37:29,829 - Stu, you got a five? STU: No. 618 00:37:30,706 --> 00:37:33,166 PHIL: I'll hit you on the way back. VALET: Thank you, sir. 619 00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:35,752 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 620 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,003 [BABY CRYING] 621 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,506 You just nailed the baby. 622 00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:40,674 ALAN: Are my glasses okay? 623 00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:44,219 Your glasses are fine, dick. 624 00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:49,057 [CAR HORN HONKING] 625 00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:51,893 STU: This is so illegal. 626 00:37:52,436 --> 00:37:54,312 Can't you see the fun part in anything? 627 00:37:55,564 --> 00:37:58,024 Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car... 628 00:37:58,192 --> 00:38:00,193 ...with a missing child in the back seat. 629 00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:01,861 Which part of this is fun? 630 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:06,866 - I think the cop-car part's pretty cool. - Thank you, Alan. It is cool. 631 00:38:07,034 --> 00:38:08,868 Doug would love it. 632 00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:11,371 Come on. 633 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,040 [SIREN WAILING] 634 00:38:14,208 --> 00:38:16,876 - Check this out. STU: Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil. 635 00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:18,044 Don't do this! 636 00:38:18,212 --> 00:38:20,547 PHIL: Take it easy. - Just try to call more attention to us. 637 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,048 PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention. - Sorry. 638 00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:24,175 PHIL: Attention, please. Move out of the way. 639 00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:25,844 I repeat, please disperse. 640 00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:31,850 Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out. Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over. 641 00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:36,396 Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack. 642 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:39,691 STU: Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk! 643 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:41,318 I should have been a fucking cop. 644 00:38:41,485 --> 00:38:43,069 [STU SCREAMS] 645 00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:49,409 Look, I already told you. 646 00:38:49,577 --> 00:38:52,746 You came in with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs. No big deal. 647 00:38:52,913 --> 00:38:55,415 Although none of you could articulate how it happened. 648 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,043 Do you remember how many of us were here? 649 00:38:58,210 --> 00:38:59,502 Ah... 650 00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:03,256 I don't know. I think it was just you guys. Definitely no baby. 651 00:39:03,424 --> 00:39:07,052 - And one other guy. - That's our guy. Was he okay? 652 00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:11,264 Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind. You all were. 653 00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:15,101 All right, come forward. And turn. 654 00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:16,269 All right. 655 00:39:17,271 --> 00:39:19,647 There you go. And cough. 656 00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:20,857 [MAN COUGHING] 657 00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:24,694 Cough. Cough. Give me one more. 658 00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,031 All right. Thattaboy. 659 00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:30,867 Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on. 660 00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:33,161 And the nurse will be in here in a minute. 661 00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:35,455 I'll see you after the weekend. 662 00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:38,541 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor. 663 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:44,381 Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor. 664 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:48,385 No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time. 665 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:55,225 Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize. 666 00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:57,060 Walk with me. 667 00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:04,692 Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival. 668 00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:07,737 Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard. 669 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,989 Do you mind if I look? I'm actually a doctor. 670 00:40:10,157 --> 00:40:14,619 Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you're just a dentist. 671 00:40:15,371 --> 00:40:19,791 Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. 672 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:21,668 Wow. 673 00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:25,755 They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system. 674 00:40:26,173 --> 00:40:29,759 Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug. 675 00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:32,679 What, so, what are you saying, I was raped last night? 676 00:40:33,472 --> 00:40:35,014 Actually... 677 00:40:39,019 --> 00:40:42,313 I don't think so. But someone did slip you the drug. 678 00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:44,023 I'm not surprised you don't remember anything. 679 00:40:44,191 --> 00:40:45,191 [CHUCKLES] 680 00:40:45,359 --> 00:40:48,695 Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember? 681 00:40:49,738 --> 00:40:52,115 Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us? 682 00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:53,491 VALSH: I wouldn't worry about it. 683 00:40:53,659 --> 00:40:56,369 The stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine. 684 00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:59,247 Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor. Is there anything else? 685 00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:03,751 Like, something we may have been talking about, or some place we were going? 686 00:41:03,919 --> 00:41:05,712 Actually, there was something. 687 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,298 You guys kept talking about some wedding last night. 688 00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:11,092 Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's getting married tomorrow. 689 00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,595 - You know what? I want the 100 back. - No, no. Easy. 690 00:41:13,762 --> 00:41:16,306 You kept talking about some wedding you just came from. 691 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,807 At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. 692 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:21,436 You kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. 693 00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:23,813 Okay, I hope this helps. I really have to leave. 694 00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:26,357 Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is? 695 00:41:26,525 --> 00:41:30,361 I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off. 696 00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:34,240 I'm a doctor, not a tour guide. 697 00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:37,577 Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys. 698 00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:50,757 ALAN: What about the baby? 699 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,176 PHIL: Leave him in the car. We're gonna be five minutes. 700 00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,178 STU: Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car. 701 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:58,014 He'll be fine. I cracked the window. 702 00:42:02,019 --> 00:42:05,104 - What if they don't remember us? - Well, let's just find out. 703 00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:08,650 I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi. 704 00:42:08,817 --> 00:42:10,777 [EDDIE LAUGHS] 705 00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,278 Look at these guys. 706 00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:15,532 What happened? You miss me? You miss Eddie? You want more from me? 707 00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:19,035 How are you, my friend? Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy. 708 00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:20,245 What's going on, man? 709 00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:24,123 Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. 710 00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:28,962 This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life, man. 711 00:42:29,129 --> 00:42:30,964 - This guy? - This guy is out of his mind. 712 00:42:31,131 --> 00:42:33,633 What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker? 713 00:42:33,801 --> 00:42:35,927 I thought he was gonna eat my dick. 714 00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,638 What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me? 715 00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:40,890 No, no. It's not that, Eddie. 716 00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:45,478 Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time remembering what happened here last night. 717 00:42:45,646 --> 00:42:48,231 Yeah, was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here? 718 00:42:48,399 --> 00:42:49,857 [LAUGHS] 719 00:42:50,025 --> 00:42:51,651 You are cracking my balls, man. 720 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:54,988 I love these guys. Zolea, what are you doing? 721 00:42:55,155 --> 00:42:57,699 Bring my friends some tea, some baklava, huh? Come on. 722 00:42:57,866 --> 00:43:01,661 Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick. Beautiful ass, no fucking brain. 723 00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:05,081 But this is Vegas. You want intimacy, forget it. You're gonna get sex. 724 00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,584 That's it here, man. No problem for me, though. 725 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:10,003 You want chicks? I can get you beautiful chicks... 726 00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,005 ...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions. 727 00:43:12,172 --> 00:43:15,466 Clean, tight. The tits like that, the nipple like that. 728 00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:18,344 Obviously we were here. We're looking for our friend Doug. 729 00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:21,014 - Do you remember? - Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey. 730 00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:22,348 - Yeah. - You saw him? 731 00:43:22,516 --> 00:43:23,516 Of course. 732 00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:27,270 Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night? 733 00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:30,690 You don't remember nothing? 734 00:43:32,735 --> 00:43:34,319 [STU GROANS] 735 00:43:34,486 --> 00:43:38,531 - Congratulations, Stu, you got married. - This... This can't be happening. 736 00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,868 - Oh, God. ALAN: Look at that. 737 00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:43,953 [STU GROANING] 738 00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:49,250 I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man. 739 00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:51,878 STU: That's it. My life is over. 740 00:43:52,046 --> 00:43:53,796 Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens. 741 00:43:53,964 --> 00:43:56,466 Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about this. 742 00:43:56,634 --> 00:43:59,719 - This never happened. I'll take care of it. - Come on. Put it here. 743 00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:00,887 Hey, what's all that? 744 00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:05,058 The High Roller package. It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs. 745 00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:07,393 - What? EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh? 746 00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:10,980 And fancy calendars, all with pictures of Stu and Jade. 747 00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:12,231 PHIL: Her name's Jade? 748 00:44:12,399 --> 00:44:15,652 Yeah, and she's beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that. 749 00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:18,571 - But that's because she had a baby. PHIL: That explains the baby. 750 00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:20,907 - Oh, Carlos. Carlos. - Great. All right. 751 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:23,201 Uh, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night. 752 00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:25,620 We need this marriage annulled. You do annulments? 753 00:44:25,788 --> 00:44:28,539 Of course I do. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad... 754 00:44:28,707 --> 00:44:30,667 ...but it's no problem. Good price for you. 755 00:44:30,834 --> 00:44:34,545 I can't do it with just him, though. I need the chick. I need both parties. 756 00:44:34,713 --> 00:44:37,256 Oh, not a problem. That's great. Isn't that great, Stu? 757 00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:39,759 Come on, buddy. She probably knows where Doug is. 758 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:42,679 - Awesome. - All right, all right. Okay. Uh... 759 00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:46,265 We need her address. She filled out some paperwork, right? 760 00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:47,433 Of course. 761 00:44:47,601 --> 00:44:51,437 Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paperwork, man. 762 00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:54,440 - I spend my life waiting for you. Come on. - Okay. I'm going. 763 00:44:54,608 --> 00:44:56,818 EDDIE: And get the baklava, please. 764 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:05,159 - Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car? - I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back. 765 00:45:05,327 --> 00:45:08,329 Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it. 766 00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:13,459 - Torch it? Who are you? - I don't know, Phil. 767 00:45:13,627 --> 00:45:16,003 Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. 768 00:45:16,463 --> 00:45:21,175 This whole situation is completely fucked. 769 00:45:21,468 --> 00:45:24,971 - These mugs. This hat. This car. - Hey! 770 00:45:25,139 --> 00:45:28,141 It's all evidence of a night that never happened. 771 00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:30,476 That is why we're torching all of it. 772 00:45:30,644 --> 00:45:33,062 Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? 773 00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:35,898 I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a cop car. 774 00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,859 - Fine. I'll do it. - Can I help? 775 00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:40,653 - Yeah, thanks. - And how exactly are you gonna do that? 776 00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:44,407 Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret, light it on both ends, put it in. 777 00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,242 They're attracted to the gas lines. 778 00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:47,785 - What? A ferret? - Yeah. Yeah. 779 00:45:47,953 --> 00:45:50,496 Or a tamed raccoon, but it's a lot of trouble. 780 00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:52,832 ALAN: If you wanna... - Does it matter if it's tamed? 781 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,335 Yeah, because if it's untamed, it won't take the kerosene as well. 782 00:45:56,503 --> 00:45:57,545 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 783 00:45:57,713 --> 00:45:59,338 PHIL: Is it Doug? - I don't have it. 784 00:45:59,506 --> 00:46:01,007 PHIL: It's Doug, it's Doug. 785 00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:02,467 Uh, it's Melissa. 786 00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:05,136 - Don't answer. - I have to. She's called twice already! 787 00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:06,471 - Can I ride shotgun? PHIL: Don't touch me. 788 00:46:06,638 --> 00:46:08,639 Hey, sweetheart, how are you? 789 00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:12,018 There you are. This is the third time I'm trying you. 790 00:46:12,186 --> 00:46:15,188 I know. The reception up here's crazy. 791 00:46:15,355 --> 00:46:18,107 I think it's all the sequoia trees, block the signal. 792 00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:21,194 Ugh, I hate that. So how was it last night? 793 00:46:21,361 --> 00:46:24,322 Ah, it was really fun, actually. It was quiet, but it was a good time. 794 00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:26,032 MELISSA: That sounds nice. 795 00:46:27,242 --> 00:46:29,619 - I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids. - Hi. 796 00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:31,037 [BABBLES] 797 00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:34,207 It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know? 798 00:46:34,374 --> 00:46:35,458 STU: Well, listen... 799 00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:39,378 ...we're about to go for a tractor ride. PHIL: What the fuck? 800 00:46:39,546 --> 00:46:43,007 STU: I should get going. So pretty. MELISSA: A tractor ride? 801 00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,217 [BASEBALL BAT THUDS] 802 00:46:44,384 --> 00:46:46,260 - Go, out of the car! - What was that? 803 00:46:46,428 --> 00:46:48,805 They started up the tractor. I think it backfired. 804 00:46:48,972 --> 00:46:51,140 - Where the hell is he? PHIL: Hey, easy, easy. 805 00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:53,726 I think we're looking for the same guy, okay? 806 00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:56,062 Hey! What the hell, man? 807 00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,230 [CRYING] 808 00:46:57,397 --> 00:46:59,899 MELISSA: What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby? 809 00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:03,027 Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a goat. 810 00:47:03,195 --> 00:47:06,155 - Where is he? - I don't know! What are you talking about? 811 00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:09,325 Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here? 812 00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:11,410 I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked. 813 00:47:11,578 --> 00:47:14,163 Oh, my God! What the hell is happening, Stu? 814 00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:17,667 - Hey! There's a baby on board! - Someone just said "baby." 815 00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,919 - Get out of the car! - It's a baby goat. 816 00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:22,213 Why you making trouble for my business, man? 817 00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:24,257 - Go away from here. - Get out of the car! 818 00:47:24,424 --> 00:47:26,551 - Phil, he's got a gun! - No shit he's got a gun! 819 00:47:26,718 --> 00:47:28,928 - I gotta call you back. Bye. - Come on. 820 00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,431 PHIL: Fuck! Shit. EDDIE: He shot me! 821 00:47:32,599 --> 00:47:34,934 - He shot Eddie! - Fuck this shit! 822 00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:36,894 [SQUEALING] 823 00:47:37,062 --> 00:47:38,104 [SCREAMS] 824 00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,189 PHIL: Fuck! Fuck! 825 00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:43,234 Go, go, go! 826 00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:46,612 MAN: Fuck. 827 00:47:46,780 --> 00:47:48,781 Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit! 828 00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:49,991 [BABY CRYING] 829 00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:51,200 ALAN: Who were those guys? 830 00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:53,452 STU: We're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. 831 00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:55,454 What the fuck is going on?! 832 00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:57,623 I have no idea. 833 00:47:58,208 --> 00:47:59,250 [SIGHS] 834 00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:00,459 [PANTING] 835 00:48:00,627 --> 00:48:02,461 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 836 00:48:04,464 --> 00:48:06,549 Why don't you just let that go to voicemail? 837 00:48:06,717 --> 00:48:08,259 Ha-ha-ha. 838 00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,054 That's a fake laugh, by the way. 839 00:48:14,641 --> 00:48:19,186 It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. And that Jewish actor. 840 00:48:19,354 --> 00:48:20,980 Shut up, Alan. 841 00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:23,566 - What room was it again? - It's 825. 842 00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,152 WOMAN: I know, I did. I already checked with her. 843 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:30,698 I found him, I'll call you back. Thank God, he's with his father. 844 00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:34,827 I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie. 845 00:48:34,995 --> 00:48:37,330 And I miss you. 846 00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:39,123 [JADE MOANING] 847 00:48:41,126 --> 00:48:42,543 No. 848 00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:46,839 - What the hell happened to you guys? - Actually, we were hoping you could tell us. 849 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:49,926 What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get coffee... 850 00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:52,094 ...and I came back and you were gone. 851 00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:57,642 - Why are you being so quiet? - I'm not being quiet. 852 00:48:58,018 --> 00:48:59,810 Ha, ha. You're so cute. 853 00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:03,105 Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys. 854 00:49:04,858 --> 00:49:07,443 Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler. 855 00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:10,947 Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud. 856 00:49:14,368 --> 00:49:17,870 Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird. 857 00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:20,957 - Look, it's Jade, right? - Very funny, Phil. 858 00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:24,961 Right, Jade, uh, ahem, you remember our friend, Doug. 859 00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:26,963 Are you kidding? He was the best man. 860 00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:29,882 Exactly. Well, we can't find him, and we're getting worried. 861 00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:33,052 JADE: Oh, my God, that is so Doug. 862 00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:34,887 Ha, ha. Oh. 863 00:49:35,055 --> 00:49:36,472 [CRYING] 864 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,808 Oh, sweetie, I'm... I'm gonna go clean him off. 865 00:49:38,976 --> 00:49:40,977 It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it. 866 00:49:41,144 --> 00:49:42,436 Oh, my God. 867 00:49:42,604 --> 00:49:44,730 What the fuck, man, you gotta hold it together. 868 00:49:44,898 --> 00:49:46,565 - Holy shit. - She is super hot. 869 00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:50,027 - You should be proud of yourself. - She's wearing my grandmother's ring! 870 00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:52,154 - What? - The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa. 871 00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:54,323 You remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring? 872 00:49:54,491 --> 00:49:56,575 - Fuck. Okay. - She's wearing it. 873 00:49:56,743 --> 00:49:59,453 I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust. 874 00:50:00,580 --> 00:50:02,623 - He's okay. PHIL: Oh, good. 875 00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,750 JADE: He was just hungry, he's fine. - Oh, good. 876 00:50:04,918 --> 00:50:09,213 About last night, uh, ahem, do you remember the last time you saw Doug? 877 00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:12,967 - Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding. - The wedding. Okay. Great. 878 00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:16,429 And, uh, we can't re... What time was that at? 879 00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:19,098 Well, it was, um... 880 00:50:19,474 --> 00:50:20,933 [CLEARING THROAT] 881 00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:24,687 I guess it was around 1, because I had to go back to work and finish my shift. 882 00:50:24,855 --> 00:50:27,773 And then when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler. 883 00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:29,275 And was Doug there then? 884 00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:32,820 I didn't see Doug because you guys were passed out. The room was a wreck. 885 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,114 - So I just curled up next to Stu. PHIL: Uh-huh. 886 00:50:35,282 --> 00:50:36,991 - Rowr. - Oh. 887 00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:42,038 I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended. 888 00:50:42,205 --> 00:50:46,459 Does that mean you're a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer? 889 00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:49,795 - You know this. I'm a stripper. - Mm-hm. 890 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:53,716 Well, technically I'm an escort, but stripping's a great way to meet the clients. 891 00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:55,968 - Smart. - Savvy. 892 00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,847 But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor. 893 00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:01,724 I'm just a dentist. 894 00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:04,560 - Las Vegas Police! Freeze! - Okay. 895 00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:05,770 [TYLER CRYING] 896 00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,396 Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up! 897 00:51:07,564 --> 00:51:10,274 STU: Oh, God! PHIL: Okay, okay, okay. 898 00:51:15,989 --> 00:51:18,491 After we take the mug shots, we bring them down here... 899 00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:22,244 ...where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers. 900 00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:25,790 Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches. 901 00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:28,042 We call this place Loserville. 902 00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:29,835 [KIDS LAUGHING] 903 00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:33,005 FOLTZ: Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on. 904 00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:36,217 [SHUTTER CLICKS] 905 00:51:38,303 --> 00:51:39,512 Hello. 906 00:51:39,679 --> 00:51:42,807 - Hey, Tracy! It's Phil. TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Phil. 907 00:51:42,974 --> 00:51:47,186 - Where are you guys? - We are at the spa at the hotel. 908 00:51:47,354 --> 00:51:50,272 Cool. We're just getting some sun. Is Doug around? 909 00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,149 Of course. Why wouldn't he be? 910 00:51:52,317 --> 00:51:54,527 I'm just wondering why you're calling me. 911 00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:56,195 Um... 912 00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,657 We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives. 913 00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:03,202 So we're all calling each other's. 914 00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:04,829 TRACY: Okay. What's up? 915 00:52:04,996 --> 00:52:09,041 Uh, you are not gonna believe this. We got comped an extra night at the hotel. 916 00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:10,209 You did? 917 00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:13,170 Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous. It's out of control. 918 00:52:13,338 --> 00:52:17,299 There's, like, room service and a butler. I mean, just the works. 919 00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:19,343 We're thinking of spending the night... 920 00:52:19,511 --> 00:52:21,720 ...and we're gonna come back in the morning. 921 00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:25,224 You wanna stay an extra night? But the wedding's tomorrow. 922 00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:28,894 That's why we're gonna get up early, and we'll be back in plenty of time. 923 00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:31,355 Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea? 924 00:52:31,523 --> 00:52:34,233 Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3. 925 00:52:34,401 --> 00:52:36,652 Okay, Trace, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later. 926 00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:38,154 Uh... 927 00:52:40,198 --> 00:52:42,449 - Come on, chop-chop. - Okay, spin around. 928 00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:44,994 - That's it. - Goddamn it. 929 00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:47,580 - Wait a second. - I'll go over. I'll go over. 930 00:52:47,747 --> 00:52:49,665 PHIL: Stop pulling. ALAN: Can you just...? Hold on. 931 00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,585 We got it. Alan, just relax. And then just... There we go. 932 00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:54,128 Good. 933 00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:57,506 [DOOR OPENS] 934 00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:01,802 Gentlemen. 935 00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:04,889 We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news. 936 00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:06,765 The good news is we found your Mercedes. 937 00:53:06,933 --> 00:53:08,100 [PHIL CHUCKLES] 938 00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:09,852 - That's great news. - That's great. See? 939 00:53:10,020 --> 00:53:14,440 Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning... 940 00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,734 ...parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard. 941 00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:21,697 PHIL: In the middle. That's weird. - Yeah, that is weird. 942 00:53:21,865 --> 00:53:22,948 There was also a note. 943 00:53:23,783 --> 00:53:28,913 It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter, but here's 4 bucks." 944 00:53:29,831 --> 00:53:31,957 The bad news is... 945 00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:34,919 ...we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning. 946 00:53:35,795 --> 00:53:39,298 Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible. 947 00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:41,759 No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow for a wedding. 948 00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:46,847 - You stole a police car. - We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it. 949 00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,100 Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy. 950 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:54,146 - I see assholes like you every day. - Every fucking day. 951 00:53:54,314 --> 00:53:56,190 "Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid! 952 00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:58,484 - Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo. - Woo-hoo. 953 00:53:58,652 --> 00:54:01,654 Let's steal a cop car, because it'd be really fucking funny." 954 00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:04,073 Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here. 955 00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:06,325 - Not up in here! - Oh. 956 00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:08,369 Uh... 957 00:54:09,454 --> 00:54:10,913 Sir... 958 00:54:11,289 --> 00:54:12,665 ...if I may, um... 959 00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,501 ...l'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you. 960 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,378 - Yeah. PHIL: Yeah. 961 00:54:17,545 --> 00:54:19,922 Look, I'm not a cop. 962 00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:23,175 I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher. 963 00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:27,471 But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip... 964 00:54:28,431 --> 00:54:30,099 ...that would look really bad on me. 965 00:54:31,393 --> 00:54:34,311 - What are you getting at? - Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at? 966 00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:37,856 No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding... 967 00:54:38,024 --> 00:54:40,276 ...and you guys don't need people talking about... 968 00:54:40,443 --> 00:54:44,488 ...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night. 969 00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:47,574 But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal. 970 00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:49,660 Discreetly of course, ma'am. 971 00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:51,912 What do you say? 972 00:54:59,170 --> 00:55:01,130 [LAUGHS] 973 00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:02,631 FRANKLIN: Let me ask you a question: 974 00:55:02,799 --> 00:55:08,387 Do, uh, any of you gentlemen have a heart condition or anything like that? 975 00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:10,889 Uh, no. 976 00:55:11,057 --> 00:55:13,642 Okay, kids, you're in for a real treat today. 977 00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:16,729 These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate... 978 00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:19,648 ...how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect. 979 00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:20,899 KIDS: Ooh! 980 00:55:21,067 --> 00:55:22,526 - That's right. - Wait a sec. What? 981 00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:25,696 Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal. 982 00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,072 [SCREAMS] 983 00:55:27,240 --> 00:55:28,490 [LAUGHING] 984 00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:31,660 - What the fuck? - Or you can shoot it from a distance. 985 00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:35,164 Do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shooting? Huh? 986 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:38,667 All right, how about you, young lady? Come on up here. All right. 987 00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:40,627 Let's go, handsome, come on. 988 00:55:40,795 --> 00:55:43,672 Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back. You, pretty boy. 989 00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:46,342 GIRL: Fat Jesus. FRANKLIN: All right, now, it's real simple. 990 00:55:46,509 --> 00:55:49,261 All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. 991 00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:50,846 All right? 992 00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:54,099 Okay, look. You don't really wanna do this. 993 00:55:54,267 --> 00:55:56,560 You can do this. Just focus. 994 00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:59,229 Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this through. 995 00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:00,731 Finish him! 996 00:56:00,899 --> 00:56:03,442 PHIL: Oh, fuck. FRANKLIN: Yeah! 997 00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:04,818 [GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING] 998 00:56:04,986 --> 00:56:07,112 Right in the nuts! That was beautiful. 999 00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:08,572 [KIDS LAUGH] 1000 00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:12,534 - Well done. Give her a hand, everybody. - Good job. Good job. 1001 00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:16,747 Good job. Well done. Good job. That was great. 1002 00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:21,085 Good. Hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shooting up here? 1003 00:56:23,088 --> 00:56:25,005 How about you, big man? Come on up here. 1004 00:56:41,981 --> 00:56:46,110 Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot. 1005 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,782 There you go. That's the stuff. 1006 00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:53,158 I like the intensity. 1007 00:56:54,077 --> 00:56:55,911 Eye of the tiger. Good. 1008 00:56:56,079 --> 00:57:00,124 You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning. 1009 00:57:01,167 --> 00:57:03,502 [GRUNTING] 1010 00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,672 In the face! In the face! 1011 00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,298 [LAUGHING] 1012 00:57:08,466 --> 00:57:11,301 Oh, he's still up. He's still up. 1013 00:57:11,469 --> 00:57:13,011 - Aah! - No. 1014 00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:14,805 All right, everybody relax, take it easy. 1015 00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:18,976 We've seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge. 1016 00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:20,561 There we go. 1017 00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:22,146 [FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING] 1018 00:57:22,355 --> 00:57:25,065 Some of these big boys, you gotta give them two shots. 1019 00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:29,194 All right, kids, who wants to get their fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go. 1020 00:57:30,321 --> 00:57:33,407 STU: Fuck those guys, you hear me? 1021 00:57:33,575 --> 00:57:36,660 That was bullshit. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car. 1022 00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:39,705 - They let us go, who cares? - I care! 1023 00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:44,751 You can't just do that. You can't just tase people because you think it's funny. 1024 00:57:44,919 --> 00:57:47,045 That's police brutality. 1025 00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:53,051 I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want anything? 1026 00:57:53,219 --> 00:57:54,553 No. 1027 00:57:58,141 --> 00:58:01,727 My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ. 1028 00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:05,981 Alan, you okay? 1029 00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:08,984 I'm just worried. 1030 00:58:09,777 --> 00:58:12,070 What if something happened to Doug? Something bad. 1031 00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:13,864 Come on, you can't think like that. 1032 00:58:14,449 --> 00:58:16,283 I mean, what if he's dead? 1033 00:58:16,451 --> 00:58:20,162 I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again. It hurts too much. 1034 00:58:20,788 --> 00:58:23,916 - I was so upset when my grandpa died. - Oh, I'm s... How'd he die? 1035 00:58:24,751 --> 00:58:27,544 - World War II. - Died in battle? 1036 00:58:27,712 --> 00:58:31,089 No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II. 1037 00:58:31,883 --> 00:58:33,300 Alan... 1038 00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:36,094 ...Doug is fine. - Well, why hasn't he called? 1039 00:58:36,262 --> 00:58:38,722 I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out. 1040 00:58:39,307 --> 00:58:43,352 I'll tell you another thing, 6-1 odds our car is beat to shit. 1041 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:44,561 Stu, not now. 1042 00:58:44,729 --> 00:58:47,564 No, how much do you wanna bet it's fucked beyond recognition? 1043 00:58:47,732 --> 00:58:51,777 That's enough. Alan's seriously worried, okay? Let's not freak him out any more. 1044 00:58:55,448 --> 00:58:56,823 Sorry, Alan. 1045 00:58:56,991 --> 00:58:58,242 You know what? 1046 00:58:58,409 --> 00:59:02,120 We'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay. 1047 00:59:02,288 --> 00:59:03,622 [CAR APPROACHING] 1048 00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:05,791 PHIL: Oh, shit. I can't watch. Just tell me what it looks like. 1049 00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:10,128 STU: Not looking. Not looking. 1050 00:59:11,589 --> 00:59:14,633 - Wow. All right. PHIL: Oh, thank God. 1051 00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,468 You see? 1052 00:59:17,136 --> 00:59:18,971 It's gonna be all right. 1053 00:59:25,478 --> 00:59:27,980 - Anything? STU: Hmm, I got a cigar. 1054 00:59:28,147 --> 00:59:31,066 Oh, I found, uh... These are some black shoes. 1055 00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,235 - They women's shoes? - I don't know. 1056 00:59:34,654 --> 00:59:37,906 - Whose are those? - I don't know. It's a men's size 6. 1057 00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:40,659 - That's weird. - What is this, a snakeskin? 1058 00:59:40,827 --> 00:59:42,327 Oh, come on! Ew! 1059 00:59:42,495 --> 00:59:45,163 - That's a used condom, Alan. - Oh, God. Blech! 1060 00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,457 - Get it out of the car. STU: Gross, it's wet. 1061 00:59:47,625 --> 00:59:50,002 - I don't want the thing. - Hey! Come on. 1062 00:59:50,169 --> 00:59:54,339 I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys! 1063 00:59:54,507 --> 00:59:57,175 STU: Get it out. PHIL: Fuck! 1064 00:59:57,552 --> 00:59:59,344 Oh, my God. 1065 00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:03,640 All right, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys! 1066 01:00:03,808 --> 01:00:05,809 [THUMPING ON METAL] 1067 01:00:06,352 --> 01:00:07,853 What was that? 1068 01:00:08,354 --> 01:00:09,354 It's in the trunk. 1069 01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:13,275 - Doug's in the trunk. PHIL: Oh, fuck! Holy shit! 1070 01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:15,360 Holy shit! 1071 01:00:15,528 --> 01:00:17,654 - Open it! Open it! Open it! PHIL: Okay, okay, okay. 1072 01:00:17,822 --> 01:00:19,531 Okay, okay, okay. 1073 01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:21,033 [MAN & PHIL GRUNTING] 1074 01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:23,076 ALAN: Oh God! 1075 01:00:24,245 --> 01:00:26,371 Please! Please! Please stop! 1076 01:00:28,416 --> 01:00:30,959 [STU GRUNTING] 1077 01:00:34,213 --> 01:00:36,715 Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you! 1078 01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,843 - You gonna fuck on me? - Nobody's gonna fuck on you! 1079 01:00:40,011 --> 01:00:44,389 We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! 1080 01:00:44,557 --> 01:00:47,517 He destroys cities! Please! 1081 01:00:47,685 --> 01:00:50,520 This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants. 1082 01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:52,898 [GRUNTING] 1083 01:00:56,027 --> 01:00:58,737 PHIL: What the fuck was that? 1084 01:01:00,073 --> 01:01:04,284 STU: I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911. 1085 01:01:04,452 --> 01:01:07,204 That was some fucked up shit. 1086 01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:11,041 Who was that guy? He was so mean. 1087 01:01:12,919 --> 01:01:15,462 Guys, there's something I need to tell you. 1088 01:01:16,589 --> 01:01:20,509 Last night on the roof, before we went out... 1089 01:01:21,719 --> 01:01:24,471 ...I slipped something in our Jägermeister. 1090 01:01:25,306 --> 01:01:28,100 - What? - I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys. 1091 01:01:29,352 --> 01:01:32,813 - You drugged us? - No, I didn't drug you. 1092 01:01:32,980 --> 01:01:35,273 I was told it was ecstasy. 1093 01:01:35,441 --> 01:01:37,734 Well, who told you it was ecstasy? 1094 01:01:37,902 --> 01:01:39,945 The guy I bought it from at the liquor store. 1095 01:01:40,113 --> 01:01:41,780 Why would you give us ecstasy? 1096 01:01:41,948 --> 01:01:45,450 I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. 1097 01:01:45,618 --> 01:01:48,620 It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night. 1098 01:01:49,580 --> 01:01:52,916 But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies! 1099 01:01:53,084 --> 01:01:54,543 ALAN: You think I knew that, Stu? 1100 01:01:55,044 --> 01:01:57,963 The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter. 1101 01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:01,091 You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy? 1102 01:02:01,259 --> 01:02:02,300 Let's just calm down. 1103 01:02:02,468 --> 01:02:07,931 You fucking calm down! He drugged us. I lost a tooth. I married a whore. 1104 01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:12,060 - How dare you! She's a nice lady. - You are such a fucking moron. 1105 01:02:12,228 --> 01:02:15,063 - Your language is offensive. STU: Fuck you! 1106 01:02:15,231 --> 01:02:17,649 All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay? 1107 01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:19,901 Seriously, this is a good thing. 1108 01:02:20,069 --> 01:02:23,989 At least it's not some stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason. 1109 01:02:24,157 --> 01:02:27,909 Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing. 1110 01:02:28,077 --> 01:02:30,412 We're so much better off now. 1111 01:02:30,580 --> 01:02:34,249 Here's something I would like to remind you two of: 1112 01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:38,712 Our best friend Doug is probably facedown in a ditch right now... 1113 01:02:38,880 --> 01:02:41,840 ...with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse. 1114 01:02:42,008 --> 01:02:44,134 - That's highly unlikely. - It's true. 1115 01:02:44,302 --> 01:02:48,013 Does not help. All right, let's get our shit together, guys. 1116 01:02:48,181 --> 01:02:51,433 Let's go back to the hotel, and I'm gonna make a couple calls. 1117 01:02:51,601 --> 01:02:53,602 Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep. 1118 01:02:53,770 --> 01:02:55,854 Come on. Let's go. 1119 01:02:56,022 --> 01:03:00,567 - Stu? Little help? STU: Shut up. 1120 01:03:03,404 --> 01:03:06,281 ALAN: Ow. - Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay? 1121 01:03:06,449 --> 01:03:08,992 ALAN: Yeah, I'm fine. - Alan, I'm sorry. 1122 01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:21,421 Wait, guys. Guys. 1123 01:03:21,589 --> 01:03:23,465 What about the tiger? What if he got out? 1124 01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:28,303 Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger. 1125 01:03:28,721 --> 01:03:30,222 How the fuck did he get in there? 1126 01:03:30,681 --> 01:03:35,811 - I don't know, because I don't remember. - Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down. 1127 01:03:35,978 --> 01:03:39,397 Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh, roofies is memory loss. 1128 01:03:40,900 --> 01:03:43,735 You are literally too stupid to insult. 1129 01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:46,780 - Thank you. - Hey. 1130 01:03:48,783 --> 01:03:51,243 [PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 1131 01:03:51,410 --> 01:03:53,453 Hey, come on. 1132 01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:58,708 Did we leave the music on? 1133 01:03:59,001 --> 01:04:00,377 Hey. Shh. 1134 01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:04,798 Don't make any sudden movements. 1135 01:04:06,342 --> 01:04:07,384 - Unh. Whoa! - Aah! 1136 01:04:07,552 --> 01:04:09,344 - Who the hell are you? - No, who are you? 1137 01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:10,595 MAN: Quiet, quiet. 1138 01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:15,767 Mike Tyson? 1139 01:04:15,935 --> 01:04:19,771 Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now. 1140 01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:26,611 [MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"] 1141 01:04:28,447 --> 01:04:29,531 Need a chorus line, guys. 1142 01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:31,700 [SINGING CHORUS] 1143 01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,245 [CONTINUES SINGING] 1144 01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:39,583 One more time, guys. 1145 01:04:39,750 --> 01:04:41,626 [SINGING CHORUS] 1146 01:04:41,794 --> 01:04:43,044 PHIL: Oh, Jesus! 1147 01:04:44,255 --> 01:04:45,547 Oh, fuck! 1148 01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:47,465 Why did you do that? 1149 01:04:48,384 --> 01:04:51,970 Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom. 1150 01:04:52,138 --> 01:04:54,472 Hold on, that was completely unnecessary. 1151 01:04:54,640 --> 01:04:57,183 I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes, that was... 1152 01:04:57,351 --> 01:04:59,144 Explain. 1153 01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:03,356 All right, look, we were drugged last night. We have no memory of what happened. 1154 01:05:03,524 --> 01:05:04,566 STU: It's true. 1155 01:05:04,734 --> 01:05:08,194 We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend. 1156 01:05:08,362 --> 01:05:11,323 If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore. 1157 01:05:11,490 --> 01:05:13,491 - What are you talking about? - I don't care. 1158 01:05:13,659 --> 01:05:16,077 Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger? 1159 01:05:16,245 --> 01:05:19,289 We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up. 1160 01:05:19,457 --> 01:05:23,168 - I don't believe these guys, man. - Wait, how did you guys find us? 1161 01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:27,130 One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning. 1162 01:05:27,298 --> 01:05:28,632 That's Doug's. 1163 01:05:28,799 --> 01:05:31,968 Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key is in there. 1164 01:05:32,136 --> 01:05:34,971 - No, that's our missing friend. LEONARD: I don't give a fuck. 1165 01:05:35,139 --> 01:05:37,223 - Did you guys see him? MIKE: I was fast asleep. 1166 01:05:37,391 --> 01:05:40,352 Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly. 1167 01:05:40,519 --> 01:05:42,479 Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar. 1168 01:05:43,022 --> 01:05:44,022 Respect. 1169 01:05:44,190 --> 01:05:45,315 Wha... What happened to Omar? 1170 01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:47,859 Oh, don't worry about Omar, he's not with us no more. 1171 01:05:48,027 --> 01:05:50,278 Okay, I know this is asking a lot... 1172 01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:53,406 ...but do you think we could go to your house and look around... 1173 01:05:53,574 --> 01:05:55,283 ...see if there's any clues? 1174 01:05:55,451 --> 01:05:59,663 Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway? 1175 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:02,791 - Come on, champ. - I'm sorry? 1176 01:06:03,376 --> 01:06:07,379 We're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. 1177 01:06:07,546 --> 01:06:10,006 What you think, about 40 minutes? 1178 01:06:10,424 --> 01:06:12,926 Don't make me come back for him. 1179 01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:19,683 - That was Mike Tyson. - Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson. 1180 01:06:19,850 --> 01:06:21,559 I'm just saying, he's still got it. 1181 01:06:22,895 --> 01:06:24,396 PHIL: Alan. 1182 01:06:24,563 --> 01:06:25,605 Bud, are you okay? 1183 01:06:25,773 --> 01:06:27,190 STU: Oh, my God. - Shit! 1184 01:06:27,358 --> 01:06:28,650 Fuck, where'd he get him? 1185 01:06:28,818 --> 01:06:29,859 Hey. 1186 01:06:35,116 --> 01:06:36,658 STU: This does not seem fair. 1187 01:06:37,743 --> 01:06:40,745 PHIL: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair. 1188 01:06:40,913 --> 01:06:44,207 - Alan should do it. - Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson. 1189 01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,418 Come on. For Doug. 1190 01:06:46,585 --> 01:06:49,838 Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper. 1191 01:06:50,006 --> 01:06:53,133 Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon. 1192 01:06:55,594 --> 01:06:58,388 Phil, just do it. You should do it. 1193 01:06:58,556 --> 01:07:01,850 I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right. 1194 01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:04,769 Okay, I jammed five roofies in there. 1195 01:07:04,937 --> 01:07:07,397 Just go in there and throw it in to him. 1196 01:07:08,357 --> 01:07:09,941 Fine. 1197 01:07:11,110 --> 01:07:12,694 Make sure he eats the whole thing. 1198 01:07:18,451 --> 01:07:19,951 Fuck. 1199 01:07:20,119 --> 01:07:21,911 Oh, fuck. 1200 01:07:24,707 --> 01:07:26,499 Hey, kitty. 1201 01:07:27,043 --> 01:07:31,046 Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you. 1202 01:07:31,213 --> 01:07:33,798 Real important that you eat this, okay? 1203 01:07:34,717 --> 01:07:36,968 Yeah, just have a little... 1204 01:07:37,136 --> 01:07:38,303 [TIGER ROARING] 1205 01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:39,804 [SCREAMS] 1206 01:07:40,306 --> 01:07:41,347 Shit! 1207 01:07:41,515 --> 01:07:43,099 [PANTING] 1208 01:07:44,018 --> 01:07:45,185 What do we do now? 1209 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,729 We wait. 1210 01:07:57,573 --> 01:08:00,742 [SINGING] What do tigers dream of 1211 01:08:00,910 --> 01:08:04,496 When they take a little tiger snooze? 1212 01:08:04,663 --> 01:08:07,874 Do they dream of mauling zebras 1213 01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:12,170 Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit? 1214 01:08:12,338 --> 01:08:15,173 Don't you worry your pretty striped head 1215 01:08:15,341 --> 01:08:19,219 We're gonna get you back to Tyson And your cozy tiger bed 1216 01:08:19,386 --> 01:08:22,555 And then we're gonna find Our best friend Doug 1217 01:08:22,723 --> 01:08:26,351 And then we're gonna give him A best-friend hug 1218 01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:28,103 Doug 1219 01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:30,063 Doug 1220 01:08:30,231 --> 01:08:34,734 Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug 1221 01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:40,031 But if he's been murdered By crystal-meth tweakers 1222 01:08:40,199 --> 01:08:41,533 [TIGER GROANS AND THUDS] 1223 01:08:41,867 --> 01:08:44,828 Well, then we're shit out of luck 1224 01:08:50,334 --> 01:08:52,710 By the way, we're all gonna die. 1225 01:08:57,049 --> 01:08:58,466 ALAN: Wait. 1226 01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:03,388 PHIL: Oh, God. ALAN: Watch it! 1227 01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:06,891 STU: His nose. That's his nose. 1228 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:14,566 Please don't stop. Please don't stop. 1229 01:09:14,733 --> 01:09:15,733 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 1230 01:09:15,901 --> 01:09:18,236 Please don't... Goddamn it. 1231 01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:21,739 DAD: I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha. 1232 01:09:22,491 --> 01:09:23,783 Oh... He won again. 1233 01:09:23,951 --> 01:09:25,451 [TIGER GROWLING] 1234 01:09:26,245 --> 01:09:30,540 - Hey, fellas. Rough night? STU: Mm-hm. 1235 01:09:30,708 --> 01:09:32,250 Sweetie, stay close to Mama. 1236 01:09:34,295 --> 01:09:36,754 - What's this? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1237 01:09:36,922 --> 01:09:39,924 Take it easy, little man. You don't wanna be touching that. 1238 01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:42,844 No, partner, that's not your property. 1239 01:09:46,515 --> 01:09:48,516 So, what do you guys got under there? 1240 01:09:48,684 --> 01:09:51,561 Just a whole bunch of "mind your own business." 1241 01:09:51,937 --> 01:09:54,105 STU: Easy, Phil. - He's correct. My fault. 1242 01:09:54,565 --> 01:09:56,441 - You okay? - Aren't we riding an elevator? 1243 01:09:56,609 --> 01:09:59,444 Why, is this Jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit? 1244 01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:03,114 - Please, with the language. - Yes. 1245 01:10:04,158 --> 01:10:06,117 - I fully agree. - Oh. 1246 01:10:14,293 --> 01:10:16,961 Hey, guys, when's the next Halley's comet? 1247 01:10:17,922 --> 01:10:20,924 - Who cares, man? - Do you know, Stu? 1248 01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:24,636 I don't think it's for, like, another 60 years or something. 1249 01:10:24,803 --> 01:10:27,764 - But it's not tonight, right? - No, I don't think so. 1250 01:10:27,932 --> 01:10:29,849 But you don't know for sure? 1251 01:10:30,017 --> 01:10:31,643 No. 1252 01:10:31,810 --> 01:10:34,395 I got this cousin who saw one. He said it blew his mind. 1253 01:10:34,563 --> 01:10:37,482 I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out on a Halley's Comet. 1254 01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:39,943 So if you guys know if there's gonna be one... 1255 01:10:40,110 --> 01:10:41,152 Oh, fuck! 1256 01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:43,780 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY & TIGER ROARING] 1257 01:10:48,452 --> 01:10:50,328 [SCREAMING] 1258 01:10:52,081 --> 01:10:54,165 [CAR HORNS HONKING] 1259 01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:02,507 - Oh, my God! PHIL: Fuck it! 1260 01:11:03,133 --> 01:11:05,510 Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu! 1261 01:11:05,678 --> 01:11:08,137 You got clawed! You're bleeding! 1262 01:11:10,599 --> 01:11:12,267 - Oh. ALAN: I'm panicking. 1263 01:11:12,434 --> 01:11:14,060 - Aah! PHIL: Oh, my God. 1264 01:11:14,561 --> 01:11:16,771 Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on. 1265 01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:18,606 [GROWLING] 1266 01:11:24,488 --> 01:11:25,822 [GROWLS] 1267 01:11:26,198 --> 01:11:28,700 - I can't do it. PHIL: Get your fucking hand back in there... 1268 01:11:28,867 --> 01:11:30,702 ...and steer the car. - I'm too nervous. 1269 01:11:30,869 --> 01:11:33,579 STU: Alan. We need you, buddy. This is your time to shine, okay? 1270 01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:35,707 Okay, yeah. Whew. 1271 01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:37,208 Daddy's gonna kill me. 1272 01:11:37,376 --> 01:11:39,043 - That's it. PHIL: That's good. 1273 01:11:39,211 --> 01:11:41,129 Keep it straight. 1274 01:11:44,258 --> 01:11:46,134 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1275 01:11:50,514 --> 01:11:52,223 - You're late. - Whatever, man. 1276 01:11:52,391 --> 01:11:54,183 We had to push it the last mile. 1277 01:11:54,351 --> 01:11:57,186 Come on in. Mike's got something he wants to show you. 1278 01:11:59,773 --> 01:12:01,774 [TIGER GROANING] 1279 01:12:02,359 --> 01:12:05,486 That thing's out of control, man. Seriously, you gotta put it down. 1280 01:12:07,823 --> 01:12:10,742 When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras. 1281 01:12:10,909 --> 01:12:12,035 Great. 1282 01:12:14,455 --> 01:12:16,706 PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk. This is how you walk. 1283 01:12:16,874 --> 01:12:20,251 - Oh, it's Doug. - Oh, thank God he's alive. 1284 01:12:20,419 --> 01:12:23,546 That's our buddy. That's who we've been missing. 1285 01:12:23,714 --> 01:12:24,964 We're all best friends. 1286 01:12:25,132 --> 01:12:27,759 Why don't you just pay attention? I don't have all night. 1287 01:12:27,926 --> 01:12:29,260 Yeah, of course. Of course. 1288 01:12:30,679 --> 01:12:34,015 STU: What are you doing? ALAN: Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this. 1289 01:12:34,183 --> 01:12:37,769 That's me, I'm on TV. I've never been on TV before. 1290 01:12:37,936 --> 01:12:39,020 DOUG: What are you doing, man? 1291 01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:41,439 Really? Really, Alan? 1292 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,232 DOUG: You got a fire hose, man? 1293 01:12:45,110 --> 01:12:46,194 Yeah, I was, uh... 1294 01:12:46,362 --> 01:12:47,820 [DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO] 1295 01:12:48,030 --> 01:12:50,990 STU: You're gonna overflow the pool, man. 1296 01:12:51,992 --> 01:12:55,078 - Maybe... Should I wait outside? - I think that's a good idea, Alan. 1297 01:12:55,287 --> 01:12:56,412 ALAN: Yeah. 1298 01:12:58,123 --> 01:13:00,083 Don't touch anything out there, either. 1299 01:13:00,751 --> 01:13:04,379 You know what? He's not our good fr... We don't know him that well. 1300 01:13:06,548 --> 01:13:09,300 PHIL: Come on. Come on, come on. 1301 01:13:09,718 --> 01:13:11,761 By the way, where you get that cop car from? 1302 01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:14,764 We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops. 1303 01:13:14,932 --> 01:13:16,099 Nice. 1304 01:13:16,266 --> 01:13:18,559 [LAUGHING] 1305 01:13:18,727 --> 01:13:21,312 High five that one. 1306 01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:23,272 Yeah, that's nice. 1307 01:13:23,440 --> 01:13:24,899 PHIL: You know, I just have to say... 1308 01:13:25,067 --> 01:13:28,569 ...I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature. 1309 01:13:28,737 --> 01:13:31,239 PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger. 1310 01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:34,826 STU: Oh, my God. That's awful. MIKE: Oh, man. 1311 01:13:34,993 --> 01:13:36,035 [STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO] 1312 01:13:36,203 --> 01:13:38,996 PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit. - Who does shit like that, man? 1313 01:13:39,873 --> 01:13:43,835 Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man. 1314 01:13:44,253 --> 01:13:46,212 DOUG: Oh, my God. 1315 01:13:47,464 --> 01:13:48,631 That's all we got. 1316 01:13:49,383 --> 01:13:52,427 This was hugely helpful. 1317 01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:55,513 Really. Because now we know that our buddy Doug... 1318 01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,599 ...was with us at 3:30, totally alive. 1319 01:13:59,059 --> 01:14:04,313 Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger. 1320 01:14:04,481 --> 01:14:05,690 Don't worry about it, man. 1321 01:14:05,858 --> 01:14:08,401 Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up. 1322 01:14:08,569 --> 01:14:10,695 [LAUGHING] 1323 01:14:10,863 --> 01:14:13,698 - I told you he'd get it. - I did say that. 1324 01:14:17,536 --> 01:14:20,037 You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass... 1325 01:14:20,205 --> 01:14:22,874 ...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart. 1326 01:14:23,041 --> 01:14:24,959 I think he's mean. 1327 01:14:25,127 --> 01:14:28,463 All right. I think it's officially time we call Tracy. 1328 01:14:28,630 --> 01:14:32,550 Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something that makes sense. 1329 01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:35,678 We don't have much of a choice. And maybe she's heard from Doug. 1330 01:14:35,846 --> 01:14:37,847 That's what I been saying this whole time. 1331 01:14:38,974 --> 01:14:42,351 We just need to be completely honest. We need to tell her everything. 1332 01:14:43,937 --> 01:14:47,023 We don't have to tell her everything. We can leave out the stuff... 1333 01:14:47,191 --> 01:14:49,400 ...about me marrying a hooker. 1334 01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:52,153 Just stay focused on Doug. 1335 01:14:52,321 --> 01:14:55,573 - What am I gonna tell my dad? - Alan, relax. It's just the inside. 1336 01:14:55,741 --> 01:14:58,576 Come on. I got a guy in L.A. Who's great with interiors. 1337 01:14:59,578 --> 01:15:01,579 [SCREAMING] 1338 01:15:02,706 --> 01:15:05,374 [PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING] 1339 01:15:05,542 --> 01:15:06,834 [PHIL COUGHING] 1340 01:15:09,087 --> 01:15:12,632 - Oh, Jesus! STU: Oh, my God. 1341 01:15:16,261 --> 01:15:18,554 - Are you guys okay? PHIL: What the fuck? 1342 01:15:27,231 --> 01:15:30,775 I know that guy. That's the guy from the trunk. 1343 01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:34,195 Get out of the car. Please. 1344 01:15:35,280 --> 01:15:37,657 STU: W... W... Wait. Those are the guys that shot Eddie. 1345 01:15:37,824 --> 01:15:38,950 [SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 1346 01:15:39,117 --> 01:15:40,243 - Listen... MAN 1: Let's go! 1347 01:15:40,410 --> 01:15:42,119 - Okay. - Oh, no. 1348 01:15:42,287 --> 01:15:43,788 STU: Easy, easy. MAN 2: Come on. 1349 01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:45,540 PHIL: Okay. All right. 1350 01:15:45,707 --> 01:15:47,667 - All right, all right. MAN 2: Let's go. 1351 01:15:48,210 --> 01:15:51,587 Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow! 1352 01:15:51,755 --> 01:15:53,798 - I have whiplash. - Get this other fat boy. 1353 01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:55,424 Get the fat boy. 1354 01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:56,634 ALAN: Hey, hey, hey. 1355 01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:59,720 PHIL: All right, all right. STU: Hey, take it easy, take it easy! 1356 01:16:00,305 --> 01:16:04,684 I want my purse back, assholes. 1357 01:16:05,936 --> 01:16:08,938 - What? Your purse? - That's not a purse, it's a satchel. 1358 01:16:09,106 --> 01:16:13,693 It's a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy. 1359 01:16:13,860 --> 01:16:16,571 Wait a second, wait a second. We stole from you? 1360 01:16:16,738 --> 01:16:17,822 Okay, you know what? 1361 01:16:17,990 --> 01:16:21,367 We don't remember anything that happened last night... 1362 01:16:21,535 --> 01:16:23,703 ...so help us out a little here. 1363 01:16:23,870 --> 01:16:27,999 Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night. 1364 01:16:28,166 --> 01:16:30,501 You were on a heater, and he played your hot streak. 1365 01:16:30,669 --> 01:16:34,171 - He ended up winning just under 80 grand. - No shit? Eighty grand is nice. 1366 01:16:34,339 --> 01:16:35,423 Okay, that's good. 1367 01:16:35,591 --> 01:16:38,843 He put the chips in his purse, and then you guys took off with it. 1368 01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,720 That doesn't sound like us. 1369 01:16:40,887 --> 01:16:46,601 Mine had $80,000 inside. And this one? Nothing. 1370 01:16:46,768 --> 01:16:48,436 Hey, there are Skittles in there. 1371 01:16:48,854 --> 01:16:51,022 Ow! Oh, not again. 1372 01:16:51,189 --> 01:16:52,440 [LAUGHING] 1373 01:16:52,608 --> 01:16:55,067 Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child. 1374 01:16:55,235 --> 01:16:57,194 It's funny because he's fat. 1375 01:16:57,362 --> 01:17:00,823 Now, look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding. 1376 01:17:00,991 --> 01:17:03,784 Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal. 1377 01:17:03,952 --> 01:17:07,788 Okay, if it's, "No big deal," why, when I come after you guys... 1378 01:17:07,956 --> 01:17:11,792 ...he starts screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk? 1379 01:17:12,002 --> 01:17:13,044 What, I did that? 1380 01:17:13,211 --> 01:17:16,797 Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm, and you want to take him home with you. 1381 01:17:16,965 --> 01:17:18,633 [PHIL AND STU LAUGH] 1382 01:17:18,800 --> 01:17:20,926 - Lucky charm. - Oh, it's just funny. 1383 01:17:21,094 --> 01:17:22,928 [LAUGHING] 1384 01:17:23,096 --> 01:17:24,221 Fuck you. 1385 01:17:25,515 --> 01:17:29,894 If you want to see your friend again, you get me my 80 grand. 1386 01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:31,520 - What? - Our friend? 1387 01:17:31,688 --> 01:17:33,814 - You have Doug? PHIL: You know about our friend? 1388 01:17:33,982 --> 01:17:35,399 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 1389 01:17:35,567 --> 01:17:37,526 - Doug! - Doug! 1390 01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:41,906 - Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car! - Doug, it's okay! 1391 01:17:42,074 --> 01:17:43,866 You chill out, goatee! 1392 01:17:44,368 --> 01:17:48,204 - Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine. - What do you want? 1393 01:17:48,372 --> 01:17:51,248 Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag. 1394 01:17:51,416 --> 01:17:52,541 What? 1395 01:17:52,709 --> 01:17:55,419 Look, we're very sorry. But this is an easy fix. 1396 01:17:55,587 --> 01:17:57,672 - Alan, where's his purse? - I don't know. 1397 01:17:57,839 --> 01:18:00,383 - It's in the hotel room, right? - Yeah, we can get it. 1398 01:18:00,550 --> 01:18:03,427 We can get you the... We can even write you a check right now. 1399 01:18:03,595 --> 01:18:05,054 No chance. Cash only. 1400 01:18:05,222 --> 01:18:07,765 - There's a person in there. CHOW: Boring. 1401 01:18:07,933 --> 01:18:09,350 [YAWNS] 1402 01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:11,143 Take nap. Come on. 1403 01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:13,104 Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you! 1404 01:18:13,271 --> 01:18:16,774 PHIL: Doug, it's okay. - You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper! 1405 01:18:16,942 --> 01:18:19,235 PHIL: Wait. STU: Oh, no. You're not going anywhere. 1406 01:18:20,529 --> 01:18:21,946 Stop. 1407 01:18:22,447 --> 01:18:24,281 Stop. Run me over. 1408 01:18:24,991 --> 01:18:27,451 - Okay. Whoa. Whoa. PHIL: Stu, Stu, Stu. 1409 01:18:28,912 --> 01:18:33,374 Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn. 1410 01:18:33,542 --> 01:18:37,837 - What? - Toodle-oo, motherfucker. 1411 01:18:40,465 --> 01:18:44,677 Well, at least take the bag off his head! Fuck! 1412 01:18:46,304 --> 01:18:47,763 Oh! 1413 01:18:56,148 --> 01:18:58,065 Come on, get out of here. 1414 01:19:03,572 --> 01:19:07,616 Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it this morning before we left. It's not anywhere. 1415 01:19:07,784 --> 01:19:09,285 Fuck. 1416 01:19:12,372 --> 01:19:13,998 Stu, how much you got in the bank? 1417 01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:16,751 About 10 grand. I was gonna use it for the wedding. 1418 01:19:16,918 --> 01:19:19,003 You're already married, so we're good there. 1419 01:19:19,171 --> 01:19:21,338 Besides, enough with Melissa, she's the worst. 1420 01:19:21,506 --> 01:19:24,175 Yeah, Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something. 1421 01:19:24,342 --> 01:19:28,137 It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people? 1422 01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:32,600 - Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza? - Yes. 1423 01:19:33,643 --> 01:19:35,478 What are we gonna do? We are so fucked. 1424 01:19:36,438 --> 01:19:37,480 ALAN: Hey, guys? 1425 01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:39,690 - Did you find it? - Nope. 1426 01:19:40,859 --> 01:19:42,693 But check this out. 1427 01:20:29,908 --> 01:20:32,159 Change only, 10,000. 1428 01:20:35,914 --> 01:20:39,208 - Hey, uh, these seats taken? - No, feel free. 1429 01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:46,590 All right, let's play some blackjack! 1430 01:20:54,766 --> 01:20:56,809 [YELLING AND WHOOPING] 1431 01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:11,448 That's it. Shut up, bitches. 1432 01:21:15,662 --> 01:21:16,996 Hmm. 1433 01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:22,209 - I'll stick. - Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! 1434 01:21:28,133 --> 01:21:30,134 Splitting fives. 1435 01:21:31,261 --> 01:21:32,469 - Too many. - Yes! 1436 01:21:32,971 --> 01:21:34,972 [JADE MOANING] 1437 01:21:36,391 --> 01:21:39,643 I don't even know you, but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb. 1438 01:21:40,437 --> 01:21:41,979 - Yes! JADE: Oh! 1439 01:21:42,147 --> 01:21:45,482 Okay, come on. He can't lose. He can't lose. 1440 01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:48,861 I think the pit boss is watching him. 1441 01:21:56,828 --> 01:21:58,704 [WHOOPING] 1442 01:22:00,874 --> 01:22:03,250 [JADE LAUGHING] 1443 01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:04,752 [SHRIEKING] 1444 01:22:05,462 --> 01:22:06,503 [JADE GROANING] 1445 01:22:06,671 --> 01:22:07,922 - Oh, my God. - Are you okay? 1446 01:22:08,089 --> 01:22:11,425 I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous when I gamble. I'm so silly. 1447 01:22:11,593 --> 01:22:15,054 - It happens. - Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay? 1448 01:22:15,221 --> 01:22:18,349 - Let's just take it easy. This is my wife. - It's hurting. 1449 01:22:18,516 --> 01:22:20,017 STU: Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt? 1450 01:22:20,185 --> 01:22:21,518 - Oh, ow. - You all right? 1451 01:22:21,686 --> 01:22:23,938 JADE: I don't know. - I don't know either. I don't... 1452 01:22:24,105 --> 01:22:25,439 I think you're fine. Let's go. 1453 01:22:25,607 --> 01:22:28,317 - Really? Okay. STU: Upsy-daisy, there. 1454 01:22:28,485 --> 01:22:31,445 I'm sorry, she's had a little too much to drink. 1455 01:22:31,613 --> 01:22:34,740 Thanks, buddy. That's for you. 1456 01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:45,834 STU: And 100, 200, 300, 400. 1457 01:22:46,002 --> 01:22:49,546 With all this, that's $82,400. 1458 01:22:49,714 --> 01:22:53,133 - Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it. - Whoo! 1459 01:22:53,301 --> 01:22:56,220 - Alan, you're the man. - You are too, Phil. 1460 01:22:56,388 --> 01:22:59,056 We should come back next week, take the whole city down. 1461 01:22:59,224 --> 01:23:00,432 Oh, I'm free next week. 1462 01:23:00,600 --> 01:23:04,311 Or we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now. 1463 01:23:04,479 --> 01:23:07,731 Uh, you know what? Next week's no good, the Jonas Brothers are in town. 1464 01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:10,484 But any week after that is totally fine. 1465 01:23:10,652 --> 01:23:14,071 I think it's safe to say that our luck has officially turned around, guys. 1466 01:23:14,239 --> 01:23:19,576 - We are back, baby. We are fucking back. - We're back. Classic. 1467 01:23:19,744 --> 01:23:21,578 [SINGING] We are back, we are back 1468 01:23:21,746 --> 01:23:23,080 PHIL: That's right. 1469 01:23:23,248 --> 01:23:25,582 We are getting Doug back 1470 01:23:25,750 --> 01:23:28,919 And we're the three best friends That anybody could have 1471 01:23:29,087 --> 01:23:31,922 We're the three best friends That anyone could have 1472 01:23:32,090 --> 01:23:35,592 We're the three best friends That anyone can have 1473 01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:38,762 And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever Leave each other 1474 01:23:38,930 --> 01:23:41,724 We're the best three friends That anybody could have 1475 01:23:41,891 --> 01:23:44,727 I mean, the three best friends That anybody could have 1476 01:23:44,894 --> 01:23:48,022 That's right, the three best friends That anybody can have 1477 01:24:06,082 --> 01:24:08,125 PHIL: Now what? - Give him the signal. 1478 01:24:08,293 --> 01:24:11,920 - What signal? - Flash your lights. Let him know it's on. 1479 01:24:12,088 --> 01:24:15,007 - What's on? - The deal. 1480 01:24:15,175 --> 01:24:18,927 Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles into the desert. He knows it's on. 1481 01:24:19,095 --> 01:24:21,221 Phil, just do something. 1482 01:24:22,432 --> 01:24:23,724 Fine. 1483 01:24:26,811 --> 01:24:28,645 - Oh, shit. ALAN: See? 1484 01:24:28,813 --> 01:24:30,814 All right, let's go. 1485 01:24:40,658 --> 01:24:42,076 [ALAN GRUNTING] 1486 01:24:42,243 --> 01:24:43,952 [LAUGHING] 1487 01:24:44,120 --> 01:24:46,246 Funny fat guy fall on face. 1488 01:24:46,414 --> 01:24:47,831 You okay? 1489 01:24:47,999 --> 01:24:50,793 All right, we got the money. Eighty grand, cash. 1490 01:24:50,960 --> 01:24:53,128 Throw it over. Then I give you Doug. 1491 01:24:53,296 --> 01:24:58,342 Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. And we didn't catch your name last night. 1492 01:24:58,510 --> 01:25:01,512 Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow. 1493 01:25:01,679 --> 01:25:04,014 Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. 1494 01:25:04,182 --> 01:25:08,936 And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug... 1495 01:25:09,104 --> 01:25:12,022 ...before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay. 1496 01:25:12,190 --> 01:25:17,486 - Lf that's cool. - Of course, Stu. That is cool. 1497 01:25:19,447 --> 01:25:20,697 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 1498 01:25:27,330 --> 01:25:29,540 - Oh, thank God. - Okay. 1499 01:25:29,707 --> 01:25:32,668 See, he fine. Now give me money... 1500 01:25:32,836 --> 01:25:36,797 ...or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers. 1501 01:25:36,965 --> 01:25:40,634 And then we take it. Your choice, bitches. 1502 01:25:41,302 --> 01:25:42,803 - Give him the money, Stu. - Okay. 1503 01:25:52,564 --> 01:25:55,399 MAN: It's all there. - Let him go. 1504 01:25:58,361 --> 01:26:00,737 All right, take it easy. Take it easy. 1505 01:26:01,406 --> 01:26:02,573 CHOW: Ta-da. 1506 01:26:02,740 --> 01:26:03,740 [STU SHOUTS] 1507 01:26:03,908 --> 01:26:05,993 Is this some kind ofjoke? Who the hell is this? 1508 01:26:06,161 --> 01:26:07,202 That is not Doug. 1509 01:26:07,370 --> 01:26:10,330 What you talking about, Willis? That him. 1510 01:26:10,498 --> 01:26:12,916 No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend. 1511 01:26:13,084 --> 01:26:16,128 - He... That's... - The Doug we're looking for is a white. 1512 01:26:17,088 --> 01:26:20,883 Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy. 1513 01:26:21,050 --> 01:26:23,552 Damn, Alan, what the fuck you got me into? 1514 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:26,430 - You know him? - This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs. 1515 01:26:26,598 --> 01:26:29,141 - How you doing? - I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs. 1516 01:26:29,309 --> 01:26:34,438 - Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin? - Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...? 1517 01:26:34,606 --> 01:26:38,692 - Who gives a shit? Where is Doug? - I am Doug. 1518 01:26:38,860 --> 01:26:41,195 - Your name's Doug? - Yes, I'm Doug. 1519 01:26:41,362 --> 01:26:44,072 His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up. 1520 01:26:44,240 --> 01:26:45,407 Come on. 1521 01:26:45,575 --> 01:26:49,786 - Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug. - Not my problem. 1522 01:26:49,954 --> 01:26:53,624 No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you! 1523 01:26:53,791 --> 01:26:58,462 - No. Come on. I'll be your Doug. - Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back. 1524 01:26:58,630 --> 01:27:01,548 Right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts. 1525 01:27:01,925 --> 01:27:04,968 - Ah. That's nasty. - Mmm. How that sound? 1526 01:27:05,136 --> 01:27:06,678 Unh, pshh. 1527 01:27:06,846 --> 01:27:10,849 - So long, gay boys. - Wait a second. 1528 01:27:11,017 --> 01:27:12,768 DOUG: He's a nasty little motherfucker. 1529 01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:14,061 Did you ever get any ecstasy? 1530 01:27:14,229 --> 01:27:16,313 DOUG: No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy. 1531 01:27:16,481 --> 01:27:19,691 - Goddamn it! ALAN: Gosh darn it! 1532 01:27:19,859 --> 01:27:22,986 - Shit! ALAN: Shoot! 1533 01:27:29,827 --> 01:27:30,953 [PHONE LINE RINGING] 1534 01:27:31,120 --> 01:27:32,329 [COUGHS] 1535 01:27:32,497 --> 01:27:34,665 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil. 1536 01:27:34,832 --> 01:27:38,460 Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out. 1537 01:27:38,628 --> 01:27:40,337 PHIL: Yeah, listen. 1538 01:27:42,757 --> 01:27:44,341 We fucked up. 1539 01:27:44,509 --> 01:27:46,760 Thanks for the lift back to town. 1540 01:27:48,429 --> 01:27:50,180 - I got a question for you. - What's up? 1541 01:27:50,348 --> 01:27:52,182 How did you wind up in Chow's car? 1542 01:27:52,934 --> 01:27:55,269 That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday. 1543 01:27:55,436 --> 01:27:57,646 Okay, but why? I mean, why you? 1544 01:27:57,814 --> 01:28:01,316 He thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the Bellagio. 1545 01:28:01,484 --> 01:28:03,193 - What? - We were at the Bellagio? 1546 01:28:03,361 --> 01:28:05,320 We were shooting craps. You don't remember? 1547 01:28:05,488 --> 01:28:07,823 No. No, we don't remember. 1548 01:28:07,991 --> 01:28:13,078 Because some dick drug dealer sold him Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy. 1549 01:28:13,246 --> 01:28:17,582 Ruphylin. There you go with that word. Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin? 1550 01:28:17,750 --> 01:28:22,004 Wow, you are the world's shittiest drug dealer. 1551 01:28:22,171 --> 01:28:27,634 Ruphylin, for your information, is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies. 1552 01:28:27,802 --> 01:28:31,346 Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan. 1553 01:28:31,514 --> 01:28:34,558 Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one. 1554 01:28:35,059 --> 01:28:38,103 - Whatever. - It's funny, because just the other day... 1555 01:28:38,271 --> 01:28:41,481 ...me and my boy, we was wondering why they even call them roofies. 1556 01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:44,651 - You know what I'm talking about? - No. Don't know. 1557 01:28:44,819 --> 01:28:47,279 Why not floories, right? Because when you take them... 1558 01:28:47,447 --> 01:28:50,615 ...you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. 1559 01:28:50,950 --> 01:28:54,244 What about groundies? That's a good new name for them. 1560 01:28:54,412 --> 01:28:55,871 Or, how about rapies? 1561 01:28:56,497 --> 01:28:58,957 - Wait, what did you just say? - Rapies. 1562 01:28:59,125 --> 01:29:02,836 - Not you. Doug, what did you say before? - I said groundies. 1563 01:29:03,004 --> 01:29:04,046 No, before that. 1564 01:29:04,213 --> 01:29:09,676 You said, "You're more likely to wind up on the floor than..." 1565 01:29:09,844 --> 01:29:12,596 - Phil. - Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L... 1566 01:29:12,764 --> 01:29:14,681 [GRUNTING] 1567 01:29:14,849 --> 01:29:17,726 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello? - Tracy, it's Stu. 1568 01:29:17,894 --> 01:29:20,103 Stu. Talk to me. What's going on? 1569 01:29:20,271 --> 01:29:22,230 Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil. 1570 01:29:22,398 --> 01:29:25,859 He's completely out of his mind. He's probably still drunk from last night. 1571 01:29:26,027 --> 01:29:27,069 Where's Doug? 1572 01:29:27,236 --> 01:29:30,530 STU: He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch. 1573 01:29:30,698 --> 01:29:33,116 We're in a hurry to get back, so we gotta get going. 1574 01:29:33,284 --> 01:29:35,452 - Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. - Stu. 1575 01:29:35,620 --> 01:29:37,788 Stu. Fuck. 1576 01:29:37,955 --> 01:29:41,625 - What the fuck, man? - I know where Doug is. 1577 01:29:48,341 --> 01:29:50,050 STU: I don't know, man. It just hit me. 1578 01:29:50,218 --> 01:29:53,136 You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue? 1579 01:29:53,304 --> 01:29:55,639 - Yeah, we threw it out the window. - No, impossible. 1580 01:29:55,807 --> 01:29:59,351 - You can't open windows in Vegas hotels. - Well, then how did it get...? 1581 01:29:59,519 --> 01:30:01,728 - Oh, my God! - Ha, ha, ha. 1582 01:30:01,896 --> 01:30:04,940 - Whoa, wait. What's going on? - Doug was trying to signal someone. 1583 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:06,566 - Holy shit. STU: Yes. 1584 01:30:06,734 --> 01:30:09,611 - Wait. How did you figure that out? - Doug made me realize it. 1585 01:30:09,779 --> 01:30:11,655 - Doug? - Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug. 1586 01:30:11,823 --> 01:30:14,991 - Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on. - Sorry. 1587 01:30:15,159 --> 01:30:16,993 Can someone tell me where white Doug is? 1588 01:30:17,161 --> 01:30:18,745 - He's on the roof, Alan. - Yes. 1589 01:30:18,913 --> 01:30:22,124 He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there as a prank... 1590 01:30:22,291 --> 01:30:25,210 ...so he'd wake up on the roof. - Like that time in summer camp. 1591 01:30:25,378 --> 01:30:27,504 We moved his sleeping bag out in the jetty at the lake? 1592 01:30:27,672 --> 01:30:29,423 Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious. 1593 01:30:29,590 --> 01:30:32,676 It's not so funny now, though, because we forgot where we put him. 1594 01:30:32,844 --> 01:30:34,678 You guys are retarded, you know that? 1595 01:30:34,846 --> 01:30:39,266 - Holy shit. You think he's still up there? - There's only one way to find out. 1596 01:30:43,855 --> 01:30:45,188 PHIL: Doug! 1597 01:30:45,356 --> 01:30:47,190 Doug! 1598 01:30:47,358 --> 01:30:49,484 - Doug! PHIL: Doug, you up here, buddy? 1599 01:30:53,656 --> 01:30:55,699 Where you at, Doug? 1600 01:30:57,368 --> 01:30:58,994 Doug! 1601 01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:03,748 Hey, guys! 1602 01:31:04,709 --> 01:31:06,293 He's over here! 1603 01:31:08,004 --> 01:31:11,548 ALAN: Hey, I found him! He's over here! - Oh, shit. 1604 01:31:14,051 --> 01:31:15,343 He's okay. 1605 01:31:15,845 --> 01:31:17,512 You're okay. Ha, ha, ha! 1606 01:31:17,680 --> 01:31:20,682 Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on. 1607 01:31:20,850 --> 01:31:23,852 Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you. 1608 01:31:24,020 --> 01:31:27,105 - He's alive. - What the fuck is going on? 1609 01:31:27,273 --> 01:31:30,317 We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go. 1610 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:34,529 - Hey, bud. You okay? - No. Not okay. 1611 01:31:34,697 --> 01:31:37,449 You look good, you got some color. I'm jealous. 1612 01:31:37,617 --> 01:31:40,076 - I'm getting married today. - Yes, you are. 1613 01:31:40,244 --> 01:31:42,787 That's why you need to focus and do everything we say. 1614 01:31:42,955 --> 01:31:46,291 Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now. 1615 01:31:46,459 --> 01:31:47,751 You fucking asshole! 1616 01:31:48,085 --> 01:31:49,628 [GRUNTING] 1617 01:31:49,795 --> 01:31:50,837 [WHIMPERING] 1618 01:31:51,005 --> 01:31:52,714 Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns. 1619 01:31:52,882 --> 01:31:54,591 Oh, ow! God. 1620 01:31:54,759 --> 01:31:58,011 - It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug. - Don't touch me. Shut up. 1621 01:31:58,179 --> 01:31:59,596 All of you, shut up. 1622 01:32:00,556 --> 01:32:02,098 Just get me home. 1623 01:32:02,266 --> 01:32:03,391 Mm-hm. 1624 01:32:03,559 --> 01:32:05,352 Just get me home. 1625 01:32:06,062 --> 01:32:08,438 STU: What about the one after that? 1626 01:32:08,648 --> 01:32:11,733 You cannot be serious. 1627 01:32:12,443 --> 01:32:13,985 Oh, goddamn it. 1628 01:32:14,153 --> 01:32:15,946 - What? - Every flight to L.A. Is booked. 1629 01:32:16,113 --> 01:32:17,489 - What about Burbank? - Sold out. 1630 01:32:17,657 --> 01:32:21,076 Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the wedding starts in three and a half hours. 1631 01:32:21,244 --> 01:32:23,453 - Alan, where's the car? ALAN: It's on its way. 1632 01:32:23,621 --> 01:32:24,955 You know what? 1633 01:32:25,122 --> 01:32:28,416 We can drive there. We can make it. Okay? 1634 01:32:30,044 --> 01:32:31,127 Hi. 1635 01:32:32,088 --> 01:32:35,924 - Just give me one second. PHIL: We will leave without you. 1636 01:32:38,469 --> 01:32:40,595 - Is he missing a tooth? - Yeah. 1637 01:32:40,763 --> 01:32:42,138 [LAUGHS] 1638 01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:44,558 STU: Hey. - Hey. 1639 01:32:44,725 --> 01:32:47,477 Hey, thanks for helping out last night. That was so awesome. 1640 01:32:47,645 --> 01:32:49,229 Sure. 1641 01:32:50,064 --> 01:32:52,524 Listen, Jade, l... 1642 01:32:52,692 --> 01:32:55,527 Look, you don't have to say it. I totally understand. 1643 01:32:55,695 --> 01:32:58,822 - This whole thing was stupid. - Huh. 1644 01:33:00,157 --> 01:33:01,783 It was stupid, wasn't it? 1645 01:33:08,916 --> 01:33:10,834 - This is yours. - Oh, thank you. 1646 01:33:12,003 --> 01:33:16,006 I can't believe I gave my grandmother's Holocaust ring to someone I just met. 1647 01:33:16,173 --> 01:33:18,842 - What was I thinking? - You were really fucked up. 1648 01:33:19,010 --> 01:33:20,719 Clearly. 1649 01:33:21,721 --> 01:33:24,389 - You did pull out your own tooth. - L...? 1650 01:33:25,099 --> 01:33:26,182 I pulled out my tooth? 1651 01:33:27,476 --> 01:33:29,811 Why did I pull out my own tooth? 1652 01:33:29,979 --> 01:33:32,439 Alan bet you that you weren't a good enough dentist... 1653 01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:34,024 ...to pull out your own tooth. 1654 01:33:34,900 --> 01:33:37,819 Okay. Heh. 1655 01:33:38,195 --> 01:33:41,364 - Of course he did. - You won. 1656 01:33:41,532 --> 01:33:44,951 Yeah. Clearly. Yeah. 1657 01:33:45,119 --> 01:33:47,037 That's victory, right there. 1658 01:33:47,204 --> 01:33:48,913 ALAN: It needs to go down. 1659 01:33:49,081 --> 01:33:50,832 - It's good. Get in. - No. Safety first. 1660 01:33:51,000 --> 01:33:54,502 - Alan, it's fine. It's down. - No, I gotta get it down first. 1661 01:33:54,670 --> 01:33:58,798 PHIL: Jesus Christ. Look out. - Don't mess the car up. 1662 01:33:58,966 --> 01:34:00,884 You're gonna mess the car up. 1663 01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:04,638 - Hey, what are you doing next weekend? - I don't know. Working. Why? 1664 01:34:04,805 --> 01:34:07,849 I was thinking maybe I'd come back and take you out to dinner. 1665 01:34:08,017 --> 01:34:10,560 Really? Like a date? 1666 01:34:10,728 --> 01:34:15,482 Yeah. Like a date. Only, one that hopefully I'll remember. 1667 01:34:15,983 --> 01:34:17,734 Sounds good. 1668 01:34:21,197 --> 01:34:24,074 - Stu. Come on. - Stu. Come on. 1669 01:34:25,660 --> 01:34:29,537 I gotta go. Okay. Bye. 1670 01:34:30,373 --> 01:34:32,082 [LAUGHING] 1671 01:34:32,249 --> 01:34:34,250 - Bye. - Bye. 1672 01:34:36,379 --> 01:34:38,171 All right, here we go. 1673 01:34:38,673 --> 01:34:41,591 - All right, let's go. - Yeah. 1674 01:34:41,759 --> 01:34:42,759 Careful. 1675 01:34:59,902 --> 01:35:02,570 At least the trip wasn't a total disaster. 1676 01:35:02,738 --> 01:35:05,907 - What makes you say that? - When I woke up on the roof... 1677 01:35:06,075 --> 01:35:09,953 ...I happened to find $80,000 worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. 1678 01:35:10,121 --> 01:35:11,871 - Oh! STU: Oh, my God! 1679 01:35:12,331 --> 01:35:15,834 Looks like we're going home with some money, boys. 1680 01:35:16,001 --> 01:35:17,919 [ALL WHOOPING] 1681 01:35:31,642 --> 01:35:33,143 [HORN HONKING] 1682 01:35:33,310 --> 01:35:35,145 ALAN: Here he comes. That's him. 1683 01:35:37,356 --> 01:35:40,316 - Hey, Neeco! NEECO: Hey. What's up, Alan? 1684 01:35:40,484 --> 01:35:42,152 STU: Whoo! 1685 01:35:43,612 --> 01:35:45,280 - Whoa, look out. - Oh, shit. 1686 01:35:45,448 --> 01:35:47,449 ALAN: Whoa! Whoa! 1687 01:35:50,828 --> 01:35:52,120 - Thanks, Neeco. NEECO: You got it, man. 1688 01:35:52,288 --> 01:35:53,705 ALAN: Page me! NEECO: Adiós. 1689 01:35:54,123 --> 01:35:56,332 STU: Who the hell was that guy? ALAN: That's my buddy. 1690 01:36:28,783 --> 01:36:30,283 [TIRES SQUEAL] 1691 01:36:32,536 --> 01:36:37,373 Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us on a really crazy route. 1692 01:36:37,625 --> 01:36:39,542 [MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"] 1693 01:36:51,096 --> 01:36:53,807 [MUSICIANS PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH"] 1694 01:36:59,814 --> 01:37:01,564 - How's my hair? - It looks good. 1695 01:37:01,732 --> 01:37:05,902 - Is it cool like Phil's? - It's classic Phil. 1696 01:37:10,533 --> 01:37:12,575 She looks beautiful, man. 1697 01:37:18,999 --> 01:37:20,208 Sorry I'm late. 1698 01:37:21,752 --> 01:37:23,294 Vegas. 1699 01:37:28,050 --> 01:37:31,970 Where were you? And why are you so red? 1700 01:37:32,429 --> 01:37:36,307 Honey, it's a long story. 1701 01:37:37,226 --> 01:37:39,185 MINISTER: We are gathered here today... 1702 01:37:39,353 --> 01:37:42,939 ...because of the strength of love and of promises kept. 1703 01:37:43,107 --> 01:37:46,317 All I know is I am so sorry. 1704 01:37:46,652 --> 01:37:49,028 And I promise for as long as we're married... 1705 01:37:49,196 --> 01:37:53,491 ...to never, ever put you through anything like this again. 1706 01:37:54,618 --> 01:37:56,494 Can you forgive me? 1707 01:38:04,336 --> 01:38:06,337 [SINGING "CANDY SHOP"] 1708 01:38:32,615 --> 01:38:34,616 [CHATTERING] 1709 01:38:42,333 --> 01:38:44,334 - Daddy. - Hey, my man. 1710 01:38:44,501 --> 01:38:46,878 Excuse me, but I'm expecting my husband any minute. 1711 01:38:47,046 --> 01:38:48,922 Oh, that's very funny. Come here. 1712 01:38:49,089 --> 01:38:50,131 [GROANS] 1713 01:38:50,299 --> 01:38:51,382 How was your soccer game? 1714 01:38:51,550 --> 01:38:53,593 [CONTINUES SINGING] 1715 01:39:06,774 --> 01:39:08,107 [GRUNTS] 1716 01:39:08,359 --> 01:39:12,487 - Stu? You avoiding me? - Hey. Melissa. 1717 01:39:12,655 --> 01:39:15,365 Oh, my God. What happened to your tooth? 1718 01:39:16,200 --> 01:39:19,702 Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother. Brother of the... 1719 01:39:19,870 --> 01:39:21,454 Okay. Ow. 1720 01:39:21,622 --> 01:39:24,540 That is disgusting. Why haven't you returned my calls? 1721 01:39:25,125 --> 01:39:27,043 Well, there was a snafu when we stopped... 1722 01:39:27,211 --> 01:39:29,087 I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. 1723 01:39:29,254 --> 01:39:32,423 They said they had no record of you even checking in. 1724 01:39:33,133 --> 01:39:34,842 That's because we didn't go to Napa. 1725 01:39:35,010 --> 01:39:39,013 - Stu. What the fuck is going on? - We went to Las Vegas. 1726 01:39:39,181 --> 01:39:42,308 Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas? 1727 01:39:42,476 --> 01:39:45,019 My friend was getting married. That's what guys do. 1728 01:39:45,187 --> 01:39:46,938 - Okay, that's not what you do. - Really? 1729 01:39:47,106 --> 01:39:51,567 Well, then why did I do it, huh? Because I did it. Riddle me that. 1730 01:39:51,735 --> 01:39:53,236 Why'd I do it? 1731 01:39:53,404 --> 01:39:55,613 All you want me to do is what you want me to do. 1732 01:39:55,781 --> 01:39:57,657 I'm sick of doing what you want. 1733 01:39:57,825 --> 01:40:01,369 In a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to do what he wants. 1734 01:40:01,537 --> 01:40:04,580 - That is not how this works! STU: Oh, good. 1735 01:40:04,748 --> 01:40:07,750 Because whatever this is ain't working for me! 1736 01:40:07,918 --> 01:40:08,960 MELISSA: Oh, really? STU: Yeah. 1737 01:40:09,128 --> 01:40:10,253 Since when? 1738 01:40:10,421 --> 01:40:14,966 Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. Boom! 1739 01:40:17,886 --> 01:40:21,597 - You told me it was a bartender. - Oh, you're right. I stand corrected. 1740 01:40:21,765 --> 01:40:24,934 It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender. 1741 01:40:25,102 --> 01:40:26,519 You're an idiot. 1742 01:40:26,687 --> 01:40:27,729 You're... You... 1743 01:40:27,896 --> 01:40:29,605 [GROANS] 1744 01:40:29,773 --> 01:40:31,274 You're such a bad person. 1745 01:40:31,442 --> 01:40:33,443 Like, all the way through to your core. 1746 01:40:35,779 --> 01:40:38,656 Alan, shall we dance? 1747 01:40:39,783 --> 01:40:40,825 Let's do this. 1748 01:40:40,993 --> 01:40:42,035 [BAND PLAYING "FAME"] 1749 01:40:42,202 --> 01:40:44,203 [SINGING "FAME"] 1750 01:40:49,626 --> 01:40:52,295 - It was a real pleasure meeting you. - Fuck off. 1751 01:40:52,921 --> 01:40:56,049 - I'm getting my bartender's license. - Suck my dick. 1752 01:40:56,800 --> 01:40:58,176 No, thank you. 1753 01:41:00,637 --> 01:41:02,638 [CONTINUES SINGING] 1754 01:41:05,309 --> 01:41:07,060 [CHEERING] 1755 01:41:08,312 --> 01:41:09,312 You guys are awe... 1756 01:41:09,480 --> 01:41:10,521 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 1757 01:41:10,689 --> 01:41:12,648 DOUG: Sid? - There he is. 1758 01:41:12,983 --> 01:41:16,819 - You wanted to see me? - Yeah. 1759 01:41:16,987 --> 01:41:19,322 - Congratulations, buddy. - Congratulations to you. 1760 01:41:19,490 --> 01:41:22,366 - You had us worried there for a second. - Sorry. 1761 01:41:22,534 --> 01:41:23,659 How was Vegas? 1762 01:41:23,952 --> 01:41:26,829 It was... Ahem. It was crazy. 1763 01:41:26,997 --> 01:41:28,581 Attaboy. 1764 01:41:28,749 --> 01:41:29,916 [CHUCKLES] 1765 01:41:32,336 --> 01:41:34,879 - Enjoy the car? - Mm-hm. 1766 01:41:35,923 --> 01:41:39,842 - Remember to put Armor All on the tires? - Mm-hm. Mm-hm. 1767 01:41:43,097 --> 01:41:44,806 Let me ask you a question. 1768 01:41:49,103 --> 01:41:52,313 How can a cake cost $1400? 1769 01:41:54,525 --> 01:41:57,568 - Highway robbery. - It's criminal. 1770 01:41:58,028 --> 01:42:00,988 Sid, ahem, about the car... 1771 01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:11,833 Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you. I wanted to tell you. 1772 01:42:14,294 --> 01:42:17,713 - Tell me what? - Careful, Doug. These women... 1773 01:42:18,549 --> 01:42:19,715 ...can't be trusted. 1774 01:42:21,260 --> 01:42:24,178 - Tell me what, Sid? - The Mercedes. 1775 01:42:24,346 --> 01:42:26,722 It is a wedding gift from Linda and I. 1776 01:42:28,433 --> 01:42:30,726 - Are you serious? - What do you think? 1777 01:42:32,437 --> 01:42:34,522 [LAUGHING] 1778 01:42:40,904 --> 01:42:42,405 That is awesome. 1779 01:42:44,116 --> 01:42:45,867 Thank you. Oh. 1780 01:42:48,078 --> 01:42:50,788 Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid. 1781 01:42:50,956 --> 01:42:53,332 [WHISPERING] Close the door. - You're awesome. 1782 01:42:53,500 --> 01:42:55,376 You are awesome. 1783 01:42:57,087 --> 01:42:58,504 Yeah. 1784 01:43:06,597 --> 01:43:07,889 Dougie... 1785 01:43:08,056 --> 01:43:10,516 ...I gotta tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding. 1786 01:43:10,684 --> 01:43:13,603 - I give it six months. - You're a dick. 1787 01:43:14,605 --> 01:43:18,983 I don't know what to say. Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess? 1788 01:43:19,776 --> 01:43:24,113 Yeah. I just wish we could actually remember some of it. 1789 01:43:24,281 --> 01:43:27,658 - Hey, guys? Look what I found. - Whoa, that's my camera. 1790 01:43:27,826 --> 01:43:30,953 - It was in the back seat of the car. - Oh, Go... Are there photos on it? 1791 01:43:31,121 --> 01:43:33,456 Yeah. Some of it's even worse than we thought. 1792 01:43:33,624 --> 01:43:35,666 - No fucking way. Give me that. - Wa... Wa... Wait. 1793 01:43:35,834 --> 01:43:38,336 Wait, wait, wait. 1794 01:43:40,797 --> 01:43:45,343 We look at these pictures together, okay? One time. 1795 01:43:45,802 --> 01:43:49,972 - And then we delete the evidence. - I say we delete it right now. 1796 01:43:50,140 --> 01:43:53,809 Are you nuts? I wanna find out how I wound up in the hospital. 1797 01:43:53,977 --> 01:43:57,980 - Yeah, it's in there. - Guys, one time. 1798 01:43:58,148 --> 01:43:59,190 - Deal? - Deal. 1799 01:43:59,358 --> 01:44:01,025 - Deal. - Okay. 1800 01:44:05,489 --> 01:44:07,031 Oh, dear Lord! 1801 01:44:07,199 --> 01:44:08,407 ALAN: That's classic! 1802 01:44:09,045 --> 01:44:14,046 The Hangover (2009) UNRATED.720p.BluRay.x264-REFiNED.English Upload to subscene.com by ViSTA™-HDVN 1802 01:44:15,305 --> 01:44:21,762 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org143343

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