Original subtitles

-(reporters clamoring)

-Okay, okay, all right, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, every-- Hold on now.

Hold on. All right, listen.

I know you want answers, okay?

I know, and I am going to give them to you

if you will just give me one tiny moment

to confer with my manager, Gary.

Okay? Gary?

-Sit-- Sit tight.

I thought that went really good.

-What?! Gary!

I got nothing! All right?

There's a strong chance

those people are gonna beat the shit outta me!

With their words!

-Whoa, whoa. Calm down, bro.

I got the perfect thing to get us out of this mess.

Bam! -What are those? Smoke pellets?

-Oh, no, that would've been cool.

No, these are cyanide pills.

-I don't know.

Maybe as a last resort?

-Well, you should've told me that,

'cause I already took mine.

-What?! Why?

-'Cause I wanted to mellow out.

-Do you know what cyanide is?

-Uh, yeah.

You take it before you go to a party so you can totally--

-(body thuds)

-Gary!

You turd!

Great. I'm on my own again.

Unbelievable.

Sorry, folks.

-(reporters clamoring)

-♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Urlacher!

-Rob: Now I wanna take this opportunity

to introduce you to this incredible staff

that you've heard so much about.

We've got Preggers and Gil

and Dirk and this one.

-(reporters murmuring)

-I thought he was making Preggers up. -Yeah.

-What do you say we tell these reporters

the truth about the missing cadets?

Let's retrace our steps, okay,

starting just a few days ago.

All the cadets were together at the academy...

-(flash bulb pops)

-...and now they aren't there.

There's only one possibility.

Urlacher.

-(reporters groan)

-Rob: No. Now, hear me out.

Urlacher took 'em, all right,

to discredit me, his mortal enemy.

Think about it.

The icon of America's pastime.

My God, it's like the nose on my face!

How didn't I see this? Dirk!

Get in here. Tell 'em! Tell 'em!

Tell 'em about Urlacher!

-(sighs)

You know what? Uh...

No, this is bullshit.

-(reporters agreeing)

-We're all fed up, Rob.

You got to face the facts about Urlacher, okay?

Truth is...

Urlacher's a-- a hell of a guy.

-Rob: Shut your mouth!

-Yeah. I wish he was around more.

-Judas!

Everywhere I look, Judas!

-All right. If you ask me,

I think the cadets just left, all right,

'cause we almost killed 'em a lot.

-Rob: That's not even close to what--

-All right. You know what? -(yelps)

-This press conference is over.

-Rob: No! -We think that the cadets just went home

or hitchhiked their way to safety,

but there is nothing more to this story.

Sorry that he wasted your time.

He wastes everyone's time.

You should all just go home.

-Rob: Oh, come on.

We're not validating you!

-Jeff Tubs: Jeff Tubs parks for free.

-Reporter: "F" you, Riggle!

-Rob: Brit? Dirk?

Preggers?

Gil, come on now.

-Sorry, Riggle.

-Preggers: Gil, let's go.

-Well, hey! (chuckles)

I still got Gary, so...

Oh, shit.

Dirk.

Dirk, I need you to believe me.

-(sighs) I can't this time, Rob.

I backed you on everything,

but this Urlacher obsession,

it's in your mind.

-Okay. I can handle losing you,

but Gil? Preggers?

That other girl?

I don't want to lose their respect.

-Oh, you don't need to worry about that.

They never respected you.

-Not even for my kick-ass ski stunts?

-What ski stunts?

You've never even been on a personal watercraft

ever in your life, Rob.

It's always been me.

I'm the ski master.

-Okay.

It's true.

I'm afraid.

-Then why did you open up

an academy in the first place?

-I don't know.

(sighs) So that, maybe, other people could

conquer the fear that I never could, all right,

or live the life that I only pretend to.

-Ah. Hey, uh, there's a--

there's a lot of action stars out there

that can't jam worth a damn on the water.

You know, there's, uh,

Humphrey Bogart,

Clint Eastwood,

Roger Moore, uh, Denzel Washington,

Helen Mirren.

-Name some more.

-Bruce Willis, Charlize Theron,

Daisy Ridley, Kurt Russell.

-Okay, well... name some more.

-Jean-Claude Van Damme.

-Yeah! -Cary Grant.

-Pfft! -Laura Dern.

-Yes! -Bernadette Peters.

-Not familiar. -Tyson Daly.

-Okay! -Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mel Gibson, Vin Diesel,

that little girl from "Aliens."

-Two more. -Lee Marvin and Angelina Jolie.

-Yeah!

None of them could Sea-Doo

or Wave Run or Jet Ski.

They couldn't do shit.

-Exactly!

If they could, us stuntmen would be out of a job.

-(chuckling) Yeah.

-We've always relied on movie stars

to be sweet, gentle, little pussies.

-You got that right.

So, you're still my stuntman.

Thank God.

(laughs) I thought you were serious about that quitting shit.

-Oh. No, I am quitting.

-I'm sorry?

-You have fallen off of life's personal watercraft,

and it's up to you to show the world

that you can get back on.

-Wait. Dirk!

-(somber music)

-(mid tempo music plays)

-(banjo tuning)

-♪ She was dead, she was-- ♪

♪ She was dead when I found her ♪

-Preggers. -Yeah?

-You seem like a millennial.

Can you help me get on social media?

-Sure, yeah. What are you looking to get into?

You want to get a new job?

Find a sex restroom?

-I wanna tweet Budweiser,

and find out why they discontinued Bud Ice.

-I can get on board with that.

I can get on board.

All right. Well, first, we gotta set you up with a profile.

So, do you wanna be super racist,

or you want to complain about how many racists there are?

-Um, complain.

-All right. Your profile.

Well, I'm gonna link you here

then to the academy account. -Okay.

-Wait a minute. What?

What in the shit is all this?

-What?

-It's just the-- the cadets

They've been-- They've been tweeting all day.

I mean, they're-- they're tweeting right now.

-Maybe they'll say where they are.

-No, this is all real un-American stuff.

They're saying ski masters are lame,

that lake culture is a sham.

It doesn't make sense.

-(Preggers clicks her tongue)

"No red-blooded American

would ever whip ass on a personal watercraft."

-Blasphemous.

-Why would they write all this?

It's like they're trying to tear us apart...

from the inside.

All the cadets' tweets, they have geotags.

-Is that like when a dog pees on a tree

to mark where he's been?

And by a dog, I mean me.

-Yeah, in-- in a-- in a sense.

All the cadets tweets,

they-- they lead back to one place.

-(computer beeping)

-Gil: You gotta be kidding me.

All the cadets defected to Urlacher,

and they started trash-tweeting

everything ski masters stand for.

-What a gaggle of assholes

They're dead to me.

-Jeb: We're not dead.

-Jeb? -We're very much alive.

And we need your help.

-Preggers: Oh, shit!

You need to go tell Rob about this.

-(somber music)

-Don't leave.

Please, Dad.

-I can't protect Riggle anymore.

-But the academy needs you.

-You're gonna be fine.

You're more ready than I realized.

In fact...

-(keys jingle)

I want you to run the place.

It's your time.

I am so proud of you.

(Dirk sighs)

(sniffs) Goodbye, Brit.

-(car door closes) -(engine starts)

-Radio: ♪ Get your ass up off the wall ♪

♪ So everyone can see ♪

♪ Now, you might cut a rug at the...club, ♪

♪ But you ain't got nothing on me ♪

♪ Now, go on, Little Mama Shake it fast ♪

♪ You know the dog need a piece of that cat ♪

-Jeb: All the cadets are over at the canoe camp.

Chauncey, Chandler, Todd,

and a whole bunch of other lake trash.

Mr. Urlacher has us working around the clock

to discredit our beloved Ski Master Academy.

-Oh, my God.

I was right?

Ha!

I fucking knew it!

-It was awful.

-(metal scraping)

-Jeb: He fed us only Count Chocula and V8 juice,

and he made us say awful, awful things

about the Academy and about you, Mr. Riggle.

He wanted to destroy America's most beloved pastime

and its darling son, Rob Riggle.

He was only pretending to be your friend

so he could get close to you,

and learn your two biggest weaknesses.

Social media and intelligence.

-I knew it! I knew it.

And that lake commissioner and-- and Chef LeBone

those pricks are probably in on it too, huh?

-Yes. -Yes! Yes.

-And all that big-timing he was doing to you--

that wasn't just in your head.

That was real.

-Oh, hell yeah it was real.

He's probably also behind that wild hog attack.

-No, that was entirely your negligence.

-Unbelievable.

How did you escape?

-Jeb: I woke up this morning,

and I was thrown out with the trash.

They probably thought I was dead,

because my religion prohibits me

from blinking after sundown.

(gasps)

I ran over here as soon as I could

to warn everyone,

and to tell you that you were right.

Mr. Urlacher is a Russian sleeper agent

assigned to damage our country

by attacking the heart of American culture,

riding around on the water really, really fast.

-Really fast.

(echoing) Urlacher!

You son of a bitch! (echos)

-So what should we do now?

-(intense music)

-Assemble the ski masters.

-(rap music continues playing on radio)

-Radio: ♪ Caught me looking at her ass ♪

♪ She gonna put her back to me ♪

♪ Mommy, how you gonna do it ♪

♪ Yeah, it's simple, it's easy ♪

♪ There's really nothing to it ♪

-(car drives away)

-Now, I hate to say it,

but I-I think we need help from the government.

-Gil: Hell no. This is our fight.

-Jeb: I mean, what shall we do?

-What would my dad do?

Rob, where are you going?

-I got something I got to take care of.

-(dramatic music)

-Go, Rob!

(Brit laughs) -Preggers: Yeah!

Yeah!

Goddamn. He really is the best that ever--

-(explosion)

-(somber music)

-(gasps)

Rob Riggle...

is dead.

-Rob Riggle just blew up.

We all knew it would happen eventually,

but this is really inconvenient.

-I probably should've mentioned

they planted mines in the lake

outside of the canoe camp.

-Yeah, well, live and learn.

-Rob: What are y'all looking at?

-Gil: You son of a bitch!

-What in the shit? -Motherfucker!

-Brit: We're looking at you, Rob!

You just hit a mine and exploded.

-Oh, my God.

That must've been traumatizing to see, huh?

Well, don't worry. That was Dirk that exploded.

-What?! -Yeah! That was Dirk.

-Huh. Wow. He is a good stuntman, eh?

You know, y'all do look similar from afar.

-Do we though?

-I think that we're taking charge,

and that's why you ran off like that.

-No, no. I had to take a hot whiz.

-But I bumped into Dirk down at the urinal,

and we agreed that he should do one last stunt.

So I gave him all my clothes,

and he ran off to save the Academy.

It's poetic, really.

-Wait.

So my dad is dead?

-Yeah! Oh.

Oh! Uh...

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Brit-Brit.

Truly, I am.

-He died doing what he loves.

Getting hurt while being mistaken for Rob Riggle.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Son of a bitch.

-(dramatic music)

-We got to stop Urlacher.

He's killed one too many people today,

and it ends now.

Everybody, get your personal watercraft ready.

We're taking the battle to him.

-Even you, Rob?

-Especially me.

This time for reals.

-(New Wave music)

-Come on! Let's go!

-(dramatic music)

-Oh, no.

The Russians are advancing already.

-On second thought,

this looks like a lot of work.

-No, wait. I've got this.

This stunt is for you, Dad.

-(heroic music)

-Rob: Whoo! Yeah!

-(all cheering, clapping)

-Rob: Yes! Yes!

Whoo! Whoo!

-Mm-hmm!

-Rob: Yeah!

-(man speaking Russian)

-(Rob laughing) -Yeah!

-Look at her go!

I always knew Bric Brac had it in her.

This must be the happiest day of her life.

-Her dad died today.

-What? Oh, yeah.

I mean besides that, besides that.

-Gil: Come on. Hurry up. We call the feds,

they can come out here and get those Russkis,

and we can still make it to Señor Dick's before the buffet closes.

-Right, but what about Urlacher?

-Oh, please. Urlacher?

That big baby probably ran away.

-Brian Urlacher never runs.

This Academy has been a thorn

in Mother Russia's side for too long.

-It's only been like eight weeks.

-That's like the whole damn summer!

And so now,

I must finish what those trolls couldn't.

-This is between you and me, Urlacher.

I say we settle it man to man.

Let these weirdos go.

-Urlacher: So be it.

-(gun thuds) -Yeah.

I always knew this was gonna happen

ever since you big-timed me

at the 2009 Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

-And I'll keep big-timing you every day of your life

until the day you die,

which is today.

-(growls)

-(both grunting)

-Yeah! Well, he got you on that one!

-(both grunting)

-Preggers: Get him, Rob!

Yeah!

-(Rob screams) -Preggers: Yeah! Run, Rob!

Ain't nothing wrong with that!

-(both grunting)

-Preggers: Yeah, Rob!

Get him!

Get him, Rob!

Oh, shit, Rob!

-(punches landing)

-(both grunting)

-You know what, Riggle?

A personal watercraft isn't even that cool!

They're too loud, too rebellious,

and they're just-- they're just too --

-I think the word you're looking for

is American!

-(both screaming)

-(squelching)

-(funky music)

-Now that's how you big-time someone.

Burn the canoes.

-(tires screeching) -(siren wailing)

-That's a granny, comrades.

You're not going anywhere.

-Rob: Well, we did it,

and only one person got decapitated.

Not half bad. -Yeah.

-I'm gonna go get our cadets.

It's time for graduation.

-Okay.

-(heroic music)

-(engine revs) -Hey!

Oh, shit!

-Rob, you got to be careful!

There-- there's still them mines out there!

-Rob: Whoo!

(screams)

-(piano music)

-♪ I'm not convinced of fairy tales ♪

♪ But a love like yours ♪

♪ Might persuade me something else ♪

♪ I want to be with you ♪

♪ I want to be with you ♪

(muted) ♪ We don't need to know ♪

♪ It all to know it's real ♪

-(phone dings) -Oh!

Sorry. Got a text.

(laughs) Give me one second.

-(clicking) -Okay, cadets!

When you started here this semester,

some of you were unsure of yourselves,

maybe even a little nervous.

Some of you were physically unattractive.

But you were committed.

And after all your hard work,

you can finally go out into the world

and say with pride

that just like Rob Riggle,

you, too, are a ski master.

-(upbeat music plays) -(applause)

-Preggers: He did it!

Take that! Whoo! Whoo!

(cheering)

You did it!

-Okay, yes, yes.

-♪ I'm coming home ♪

-♪ I'm coming, coming, I'm coming, coming ♪

-♪ So leave the lights on ♪

-♪ Gonna keep the lights on ♪

-♪ You're the one I want ♪

♪ So leave the lights on for me ♪

-♪ Please leave the lights on ♪

-♪ Every day that you find a way ♪

♪ It gets better now ♪

♪ It's better ♪

-There he is. -♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ So leave the lights on ♪

-♪ Gonna keep the lights on ♪

-♪ You're the one I want ♪

♪ So, baby, leave the lights on ♪

-♪ Gonna leave the lights on ♪

-♪ I'm coming home ♪

-(mouthing words)

-(music continues)

-No, you. Do I know you?

-♪ Leave the lights on ♪

♪ When I get home and see your face ♪

♪ I know I'm in the right place ♪

♪ At the right time ♪

-Ah. I already got you, Todd.

Get out of here.

-♪ It gets better now ♪

-♪ It gets better now ♪ -♪ It gets better now ♪

-♪ It gets better now ♪

-♪ I'm coming home ♪

-♪ I'm coming, coming, I'm coming, coming ♪

-♪ So leave the lights on for me ♪

-(sweeping majestic music)

-We did it!

-(cheers and applause)

-Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank you

for coming back

because as it turns out,

I was right about everything.

Yes. So get ready to gargle these nuts.

(laughs) Yeah, you in the back.

-Sorry, I-I wasn't here the last time.

Could you just start over from the beginning?

-You bet. Absolutely. -(reporters groan)

-I guess the fun and games started back,

oh, gosh, call it eight weeks ago.

-I'm gonna cut someone.

-(roars)

-Right on time.