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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,722 --> 00:00:06,097 ♪♪♪ 2 00:00:11,472 --> 00:00:14,597 [announcer] This is an NBC News special report. 3 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,430 I'm Chuck Todd, and no one remembers hiring me. 4 00:00:17,514 --> 00:00:19,597 The New York Times has obtained ten years of figures 5 00:00:19,681 --> 00:00:21,430 from President Trump's tax returns, 6 00:00:21,514 --> 00:00:23,847 and for many of those years, he lost more money 7 00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:25,597 than any person in America. 8 00:00:25,681 --> 00:00:27,806 The White House insists this is fake news. 9 00:00:27,889 --> 00:00:30,138 And the President is going about his normal day. 10 00:00:30,222 --> 00:00:32,972 I was worried the day would come when everyone would find out 11 00:00:33,055 --> 00:00:35,138 that I was the worst businessman in history, 12 00:00:35,222 --> 00:00:37,055 but now that it's here, it's not so 13 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,347 b-a-a-a-a-agh! 14 00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:41,180 Who am I kidding, Rudy?! I'm so frickin' embarrassed! 15 00:00:41,263 --> 00:00:43,555 Be honest. Do you think being exposed as a broke fraud 16 00:00:43,639 --> 00:00:46,180 will affect people's perception that I'm not a broke fraud? 17 00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:47,722 Don't get so worked up. 18 00:00:47,806 --> 00:00:49,097 Everyone's public persona 19 00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,972 is a little different than who they are. 20 00:00:51,055 --> 00:00:52,597 But d-did you know that Johnny Carson 21 00:00:52,681 --> 00:00:54,347 was actually really shy? 22 00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:56,514 [vomits] Fascinating, but not the same. 23 00:00:56,597 --> 00:00:58,514 We gotta get out of this news cycle. 24 00:00:58,597 --> 00:01:00,222 I need you to FaceTime Brian Williams, 25 00:01:00,305 --> 00:01:01,847 and I'm gonna show him my junk! 26 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,472 [vomits] Oh, great. There goes $300 in oysters! 27 00:01:05,555 --> 00:01:07,347 This is like that dream where you show up to class 28 00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:09,097 and you're wearing a shirt that says 29 00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:11,305 "I'm the worst businessman in the world!" 30 00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,263 Hey! Hey! Look me in my weird dog bottom teeth! 31 00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:16,972 You are the most powerful person in the world, 32 00:01:17,055 --> 00:01:19,389 and no one can take that away from you! 33 00:01:19,472 --> 00:01:22,013 Vice President Joe Biden's poll numbers are surging 34 00:01:22,097 --> 00:01:24,472 well ahead of Trump in states across the country... 35 00:01:24,555 --> 00:01:26,472 I'm sure it's just the blue states. 36 00:01:26,555 --> 00:01:27,931 ...including Texas. 37 00:01:28,013 --> 00:01:29,847 -[vomits] -There it is. Let it out. 38 00:01:29,931 --> 00:01:32,055 Hey! You don't need to be president! 39 00:01:32,138 --> 00:01:33,389 You're rich! 40 00:01:33,472 --> 00:01:35,055 Oh, wait. Never mind. [vomits] 41 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:37,263 Here was Biden earlier today somewhere. 42 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,305 Voters are getting behind my inspiring message. 43 00:01:40,389 --> 00:01:43,347 If you elect me president, Trump won't be president! 44 00:01:43,430 --> 00:01:46,097 That's a good campaign slogan. Maybe we can steal it! 45 00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:48,764 I just gotta not say anything dumb for 18 months. 46 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,263 All right. Let's get some questions. 47 00:01:50,347 --> 00:01:52,263 You there with the religious hat! 48 00:01:52,347 --> 00:01:53,681 And it's not just Joe Biden. 49 00:01:53,764 --> 00:01:55,430 Every other Democratic candidate 50 00:01:55,514 --> 00:01:57,430 is beating Jonald -- Donald Trump. 51 00:01:57,514 --> 00:01:58,806 Even Pete Buttigieg, 52 00:01:58,889 --> 00:02:00,681 who is the Chuck Todd of the candidates. 53 00:02:00,764 --> 00:02:03,347 [sneezes] And maybe the worst news for President Trump -- 54 00:02:03,430 --> 00:02:05,013 the democrats are firming up a date 55 00:02:05,097 --> 00:02:06,889 for Robert Mueller to testify. 56 00:02:06,972 --> 00:02:09,055 Get your popcorn. Hey! Look at you! 57 00:02:09,138 --> 00:02:11,389 You heard all that news, and you haven't barfed yet! 58 00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,013 Here it comes! [vomits] 59 00:02:13,097 --> 00:02:15,180 Ahh! Morning routine complete. 60 00:02:15,263 --> 00:02:17,430 Rudy, today's gonna be a great day! 61 00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:19,597 ♪♪♪ 62 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,639 Don't listen to Mueller. I've never been on this show! 63 00:02:22,722 --> 00:02:26,681 ♪♪♪ 64 00:02:28,263 --> 00:02:31,847 Ahh, another day in heaven, working for fat dad. 65 00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:34,639 This is the best and first job I've ever had! 66 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,806 Shut up! He's coming! I'm gonna shit! 67 00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,889 -Daddy! -Dad! 68 00:02:38,972 --> 00:02:41,055 Hey, kids. I made you breakfast this morning. 69 00:02:41,138 --> 00:02:42,097 -Yes! -Yeah! 70 00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:44,305 Relax. It's just a figure of speech. 71 00:02:44,389 --> 00:02:45,555 Good news, Daddy! 72 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,055 I kept my mouth shut on another divisive issue! 73 00:02:48,138 --> 00:02:50,180 And my analytics are going freakin' nuts 74 00:02:50,263 --> 00:02:52,889 for this photo of me holding a rifle inside a fish's mouth. 75 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:57,263 And I just found out there's a cool skeleton inside of me! 76 00:02:57,347 --> 00:02:58,972 Look at us -- me in this big chair, 77 00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:00,597 you guys over there, 78 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,681 a million-man militia ready to tear this country in two 79 00:03:03,764 --> 00:03:05,263 as soon as I say, "Charge." 80 00:03:05,347 --> 00:03:07,722 What more could we want? 81 00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:11,430 Dad, that Mueller report stirred up some old feelings 82 00:03:11,514 --> 00:03:13,514 for Trump Tower Moscow, huh? 83 00:03:13,597 --> 00:03:15,180 ♪ somber music plays ♪ 84 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,597 I'm perfectly happy where I am -- 85 00:03:17,681 --> 00:03:20,681 in this drafty house full of people who make me read. 86 00:03:20,764 --> 00:03:23,263 Besides, it's not like someone else wants to build there. 87 00:03:23,347 --> 00:03:24,931 Someone else wants to build there! 88 00:03:25,013 --> 00:03:26,681 I'm Wolf Blitzer, 89 00:03:26,764 --> 00:03:30,430 and erotic hypnotists never choose me as the volunteer. 90 00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:34,222 Vladimir Putin has sold the land reserved for Trump Tower Moscow 91 00:03:34,305 --> 00:03:37,222 to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, 92 00:03:37,305 --> 00:03:39,222 a man whose head shot and dick pic 93 00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,138 are indistinguishable to the human eye. 94 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,681 I'm excited to work with Putin, 95 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,722 even though we have very little in common. 96 00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:46,222 He's an oppressive autocrat, 97 00:03:46,305 --> 00:03:48,305 and I'm just a cool boss who improves productivity 98 00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:51,097 by making workers piss and shit themselves. 99 00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,222 Whatever. I'm so over it. 100 00:03:53,305 --> 00:03:54,722 Idiot liar! 101 00:03:54,806 --> 00:03:57,514 I almost built a gorgeous tower with a murderous dictator. 102 00:03:57,597 --> 00:03:59,138 You never get over it. 103 00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:00,555 Yeah, like my wife and kids 104 00:04:00,639 --> 00:04:02,430 after I left them for a background actress 105 00:04:02,514 --> 00:04:05,222 hoping for her big break at 38. Not happening. 106 00:04:05,305 --> 00:04:07,138 You want to build Trump Tower Moscow? 107 00:04:07,222 --> 00:04:09,472 I mean, why not just burst into Robert Mueller's office 108 00:04:09,555 --> 00:04:11,013 and shout, "I want a do-over"? 109 00:04:11,097 --> 00:04:13,722 Relax. I'm in a good place, and to prove it, 110 00:04:13,806 --> 00:04:17,472 I will lovingly remember my time with the Tower once more. 111 00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:20,180 [President Trump] It all started in 2015 112 00:04:20,263 --> 00:04:23,097 when I first laid eyes on her. 113 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,764 I'm sorry. You're such a klutz. 114 00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:27,222 ♪ romantic music plays ♪ 115 00:04:27,305 --> 00:04:30,347 Ahh. I knew right then I had to have it, 116 00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:32,472 no matter how many laws I need to break 117 00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:35,097 or times Robert De Niro would call me the C-word 118 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:36,764 on the Kids' Choice Awards. 119 00:04:36,847 --> 00:04:39,347 I signed a letter of intent the next day. 120 00:04:39,430 --> 00:04:41,263 We were going to be together forever. 121 00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,806 Then something terrible happened. 122 00:04:43,889 --> 00:04:45,972 [man] Donald Trump has been elected 123 00:04:46,055 --> 00:04:48,055 President of the United States. 124 00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:51,180 Hey. Uh, have you seen the plans for Trump Tower Moscow? 125 00:04:51,263 --> 00:04:53,597 We're going to spend the weekend together at Bear Mountain! 126 00:04:53,681 --> 00:04:55,055 Forget that building. 127 00:04:55,138 --> 00:04:57,681 You just scored with a building way older and squatter. 128 00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,472 The White House! 129 00:04:59,555 --> 00:05:01,055 But that's impossible! 130 00:05:01,138 --> 00:05:03,597 I said John McCain wasn't a war hero! 131 00:05:03,681 --> 00:05:06,722 I-I accused a reporter of menstruating on the job! 132 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,722 I told everyone how big and strong my hog was! 133 00:05:09,806 --> 00:05:11,597 I spent an entire debate 134 00:05:11,681 --> 00:05:14,597 just kind of lurking behind my opponent!! 135 00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,472 [sobbing] 136 00:05:16,555 --> 00:05:18,055 Just let him cry it out. 137 00:05:18,138 --> 00:05:20,305 Uh, Pompeo, what's going on at, uh, State? 138 00:05:20,389 --> 00:05:22,097 I talked to the Turks over the weekend. Pompeo, you bastard! 139 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:23,681 There's a man in pain over here! And they've agreed 140 00:05:23,764 --> 00:05:25,138 to hold off on any engagement with the Kurds 141 00:05:25,222 --> 00:05:26,764 for the next 90 days. I wanna die! 142 00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:28,055 Don't you understand?! The Turks have made it clear that -- 143 00:05:28,138 --> 00:05:29,889 [woman] We're on in five! 144 00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:31,180 Nancy, we've done it. 145 00:05:31,263 --> 00:05:33,305 We've proven all the doubters wrong. 146 00:05:33,389 --> 00:05:36,472 I can't believe we have the majority in the House. 147 00:05:36,555 --> 00:05:38,472 And the minority in the Senate, 148 00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,639 which is even more powerful than the majority. 149 00:05:40,722 --> 00:05:43,305 And now for our biggest achievement yet -- 150 00:05:43,389 --> 00:05:47,806 an interview with the crimson goatee himself, Chuck Todd! 151 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:51,722 ♪♪♪ 152 00:05:55,305 --> 00:05:57,055 [coughs] 153 00:05:57,138 --> 00:05:59,722 My name is Chuck Todd, and I look like it. 154 00:05:59,806 --> 00:06:00,931 We're joined this Sunday 155 00:06:01,013 --> 00:06:03,597 by, uh, Speaker Pelosi and Leader Schumer, 156 00:06:03,681 --> 00:06:06,180 who have requested the audience genuflect before them. 157 00:06:06,263 --> 00:06:11,097 ♪♪♪ 158 00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:14,013 Okay. First and only question. 159 00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:16,472 Are you friends with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 160 00:06:16,555 --> 00:06:18,013 and, i-if so, what is she like? 161 00:06:18,097 --> 00:06:19,806 ♪ dramatic music plays ♪ 162 00:06:19,889 --> 00:06:24,347 Ahhhhh... 163 00:06:24,430 --> 00:06:26,013 Sir, is everything okay? 164 00:06:26,097 --> 00:06:27,681 You're sighing so loud, 165 00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:30,347 Karen can't hear herself search for gay fingerprints. 166 00:06:30,430 --> 00:06:31,472 They were here! 167 00:06:31,555 --> 00:06:32,681 The scented hand soap 168 00:06:32,764 --> 00:06:35,681 is below the line I drew on the dispenser! 169 00:06:35,764 --> 00:06:38,472 I've never fallen for anything or anyone 170 00:06:38,555 --> 00:06:40,931 like I did for Trump Tower Moscow. 171 00:06:42,722 --> 00:06:44,931 [sarcastically] Oh, no. I'm so jealous. 172 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,138 Maybe it'd be better to make it work 173 00:06:47,222 --> 00:06:49,639 with this stable, stocky White House. 174 00:06:49,722 --> 00:06:51,681 Yeah. I guess you're right. 175 00:06:51,764 --> 00:06:53,972 It has its quirks, but at least it was built by slaves. 176 00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:55,722 There ya go! 177 00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:58,806 The corporate tax rate may be 21%, 178 00:06:58,889 --> 00:07:01,764 but corporations never pay that, honey! 179 00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:04,263 She gets way more attention than us, 180 00:07:04,347 --> 00:07:07,931 and she hasn't passed one bill that weakens teachers' unions! 181 00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:11,180 After we won Congress, I assumed the youths would worship us 182 00:07:11,263 --> 00:07:13,472 for the rest of their hopeless, debt-ridden lives. 183 00:07:13,555 --> 00:07:15,097 Clearly, the kids are responding 184 00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:19,138 to something AOC has that we don't. 185 00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:21,347 [both] A microwave! 186 00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:23,681 Nancy, have you ever microwaved before? 187 00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:25,806 -What am I -- a chef?! -All right. 188 00:07:25,889 --> 00:07:28,305 You press "record," and I'll just start pushing stuff. 189 00:07:28,389 --> 00:07:30,722 [sirens wailing, horns blaring] 190 00:07:30,806 --> 00:07:33,097 Are we viral? 191 00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:35,430 Nancy, we need to see the one person in this town 192 00:07:35,514 --> 00:07:38,347 who knows how to use a microwave -- Ocasio-Cortez. 193 00:07:38,430 --> 00:07:40,889 [President Trump] Pence is right. 194 00:07:40,972 --> 00:07:42,055 I don't need a hotel 195 00:07:42,138 --> 00:07:44,305 with 80 Russian hookers roaming the hallways. 196 00:07:44,389 --> 00:07:47,389 I get to live at 1600 Washington Avenue. 197 00:07:47,472 --> 00:07:49,889 -Rah! Ahh! -Don, what are you doing?! 198 00:07:49,972 --> 00:07:51,889 Those were Dolley Madison's plates! 199 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,472 I was gonna sell those! 200 00:07:53,555 --> 00:07:56,430 I'm sick of this! Dad, you're my best friend. 201 00:07:56,514 --> 00:07:57,931 -[laughing] -Shut up! 202 00:07:58,013 --> 00:07:59,639 -Stop it! -You're my best... 203 00:07:59,722 --> 00:08:01,597 Stop it! I'm gonna get the hiccups! 204 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:03,013 ...friend. 205 00:08:03,097 --> 00:08:05,472 But in six years, if you're still wasting your life 206 00:08:05,555 --> 00:08:07,305 in some crappy White House 207 00:08:07,389 --> 00:08:10,055 instead of pursuing the tower of your dreams, 208 00:08:10,138 --> 00:08:11,972 I will kick your ass! 209 00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:12,972 [plate shatters] 210 00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,555 You're right, Don. 211 00:08:14,639 --> 00:08:16,722 [Don screaming] I loved that tower. 212 00:08:16,806 --> 00:08:19,597 ♪♪♪ 213 00:08:19,681 --> 00:08:22,639 ♪ Far across the sea ♪ 214 00:08:22,722 --> 00:08:26,263 ♪ In the motherland ♪ 215 00:08:26,347 --> 00:08:28,889 ♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪ 216 00:08:28,972 --> 00:08:32,097 ♪ Moscow ♪ 217 00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:35,305 ♪ A legitimate ♪ 218 00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:39,222 ♪ Venture of my brand ♪ 219 00:08:39,305 --> 00:08:43,972 ♪ My sweet Trump Tower Moscow ♪ 220 00:08:44,055 --> 00:08:45,263 ♪♪♪ 221 00:08:45,347 --> 00:08:49,222 ♪ Moscow ♪ 222 00:08:49,305 --> 00:08:52,430 ♪ Moscow ♪ 223 00:08:52,514 --> 00:08:55,806 ♪ Moscow ♪ 224 00:08:55,889 --> 00:08:57,889 ♪ Right behind those golden doors ♪ 225 00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,722 ♪ Is the best hotel you've ever seen ♪ 226 00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,931 ♪ Step onto those linoleum floors ♪ 227 00:09:03,013 --> 00:09:06,555 ♪ Covered with faux marbling ♪ 228 00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:09,472 ♪ And the lady at the counter typing way too loud ♪ 229 00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:12,389 ♪ Hands you your two room keys ♪ 230 00:09:12,472 --> 00:09:13,806 ♪ Giving you the ticket ♪ 231 00:09:13,889 --> 00:09:18,013 ♪ To world-class amenities ♪ 232 00:09:18,097 --> 00:09:19,305 ♪ Like a fitness room ♪ 233 00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:20,806 ♪ With a stationary bike ♪ 234 00:09:20,889 --> 00:09:21,972 ♪ And an ice machine ♪ 235 00:09:22,055 --> 00:09:23,430 ♪ Making tap-water ice ♪ 236 00:09:23,514 --> 00:09:25,806 ♪ And a restaurant ♪ 237 00:09:25,889 --> 00:09:29,222 ♪ That's really nice ♪ 238 00:09:29,305 --> 00:09:30,764 ♪ And a mini bar ♪ 239 00:09:30,847 --> 00:09:32,430 ♪ With 12-dollar Sprites ♪ 240 00:09:32,514 --> 00:09:33,472 ♪ And a business center ♪ 241 00:09:33,555 --> 00:09:35,180 ♪ With fluorescent lights ♪ 242 00:09:35,263 --> 00:09:37,347 ♪ And a restaurant ♪ 243 00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:40,722 ♪ That's really nice ♪ 244 00:09:40,806 --> 00:09:43,764 ♪ Really nice ♪ 245 00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,180 ♪ It would have been my Trump Tower ♪ 246 00:09:47,263 --> 00:09:50,514 ♪ But now I'm in power ♪ 247 00:09:50,597 --> 00:09:53,931 ♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪ 248 00:09:54,013 --> 00:09:58,013 ♪ Moscow ♪ 249 00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:03,389 All those in favor of funding Trump Tower Moscow, say, "Aye," 250 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,389 except Susan Collins, which is a given. 251 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,180 Hey! That's true! 252 00:10:07,263 --> 00:10:08,514 Those who oppose? 253 00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:10,514 -No! -Are you fucking insane?! 254 00:10:10,597 --> 00:10:13,305 The "are you fucking insanes" have it. 255 00:10:13,389 --> 00:10:14,555 You guys are jerks! 256 00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:17,305 I'm gonna get my Russian hotel built 257 00:10:17,389 --> 00:10:19,138 because I know, in my bones, 258 00:10:19,222 --> 00:10:21,889 it's what the American people want! 259 00:10:21,972 --> 00:10:23,389 Last night, your approval rating 260 00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:25,555 went through a slight 25-point adjustment. 261 00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:28,430 Bill Shine, I told you that tie was a loser! 262 00:10:28,514 --> 00:10:30,514 Sir, I used to handle the settlements at Fox News. 263 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,806 If it's money you desire, 264 00:10:31,889 --> 00:10:33,597 just accuse me of sexually harassing you. 265 00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,639 I'll take out my checkbook. We'll settle this right here. 266 00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,013 Ahh, money's great. 267 00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:39,555 It's just that every time I close my eyes, 268 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,389 I picture myself with that tower. 269 00:10:42,472 --> 00:10:45,055 Two point five little towers running around. 270 00:10:45,138 --> 00:10:48,764 Every Christmas, we stand around the piano singing tower songs. 271 00:10:48,847 --> 00:10:51,180 We raise them half-tower, half-human. 272 00:10:51,263 --> 00:10:54,430 Sure, it's gonna be tough, but we're family. 273 00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:56,097 Let's get that feel-good nonsense 274 00:10:56,180 --> 00:10:57,681 in front of the American people. 275 00:10:57,764 --> 00:11:00,138 First up, your most pitiful sycophants. 276 00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:02,389 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 277 00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:04,639 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 278 00:11:04,722 --> 00:11:06,472 Your grandkids don't speak to you, 279 00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:08,681 but you've still got Fox & Friends! 280 00:11:08,764 --> 00:11:10,722 We flipped on the lights this mornin', 281 00:11:10,806 --> 00:11:13,639 and the President of the United States was already sitting here! 282 00:11:13,722 --> 00:11:15,138 Please explain to the dumb-dumbs 283 00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:17,972 why we need to build a Trump Tower on Russian soil. 284 00:11:18,055 --> 00:11:20,639 Democrats act like they care so much about foreigners, 285 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,847 but what about all those Russian oligarchs 286 00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:25,764 unable to soak in a one-jet, teacup Jacuzzi 287 00:11:25,847 --> 00:11:27,847 with knobs that squeak like dolphins? 288 00:11:27,931 --> 00:11:30,013 -Aww! -You're not dreamin', folks. 289 00:11:30,097 --> 00:11:32,722 The President's here, and we're talkin' dolphins. 290 00:11:32,806 --> 00:11:36,055 [muzak playing over speakers] 291 00:11:36,138 --> 00:11:37,722 -AOC! -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! 292 00:11:37,806 --> 00:11:39,097 Aah! Oh. I thought you two died. 293 00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:41,722 The microwave parts missed every artery. 294 00:11:41,806 --> 00:11:43,472 Let's get to why we're all here. 295 00:11:43,555 --> 00:11:45,555 For some reason, the youths don't realize 296 00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,389 we're the coolest cats in cat town. 297 00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:50,472 Me-ow! We need your help getting the word out. 298 00:11:50,555 --> 00:11:52,555 Can we pick your brain over dinner? 299 00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:54,055 How does 4:45 work for you? 300 00:11:54,138 --> 00:11:56,013 Ohh, I don't think I can make it 301 00:11:56,097 --> 00:11:58,013 because my entire political appeal 302 00:11:58,097 --> 00:12:00,514 is based on never, ever being seen with you two. 303 00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:01,597 What's it gonna take? 304 00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,597 How about gold nail clippers 305 00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,972 Jerry Nadler gave me at last year's Christmas party? 306 00:12:06,055 --> 00:12:07,430 Lightly used every day. 307 00:12:07,514 --> 00:12:08,847 Don't do it, Chuck! 308 00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,806 Maybe get off your rich, bony asses 309 00:12:10,889 --> 00:12:13,639 and create a commission for my Green New Deal, honey! 310 00:12:13,722 --> 00:12:15,263 -Done. -Oh, thank God. 311 00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:17,389 I thought I was gonna have to give up those nail clippers! 312 00:12:17,472 --> 00:12:21,806 If there's a hell, I'm pretty sure we're gonna go. 313 00:12:21,889 --> 00:12:24,430 Oh, Jesus. Enough with the hell talk, Eric. 314 00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:26,222 Everything's gonna be fine, 315 00:12:26,305 --> 00:12:29,305 after Giuliani turns in another flawless performance. 316 00:12:29,389 --> 00:12:30,972 Isn't this hotel an obvious scam 317 00:12:31,055 --> 00:12:32,639 designed to enrich the President? 318 00:12:32,722 --> 00:12:34,472 D-D-D-D-- I'm gonna stop you right there, Chuck. 319 00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:36,764 If anything, it would be illegal for the President 320 00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:38,806 not to build Trump Tower Moscow. 321 00:12:38,889 --> 00:12:41,138 Sure, he's gonna make a buck, but he has to run a building. 322 00:12:41,222 --> 00:12:44,055 He's got some hairy Olaf guy calling him at 3 a.m. 323 00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:45,347 saying the pipes are banging. 324 00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,639 Donald's gotta climb 80 floors in sweatpants, 325 00:12:47,722 --> 00:12:49,931 rip down the plaster, take out his big, goofy flashlight, 326 00:12:50,013 --> 00:12:51,555 act like he knows what he's doing. 327 00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:53,138 He doesn't know what he's doing! 328 00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:54,263 [cellphone rings] 329 00:12:54,347 --> 00:12:55,806 Oh, Donald's calling. Hold on. 330 00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:57,472 -What are you doing?! -What did I say? 331 00:12:57,555 --> 00:12:59,931 -Wow. Ok-- Rings a bell. -...fucking asshole! 332 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,722 Ahh, you're kidding me. All right. Let me tr-- 333 00:13:01,806 --> 00:13:03,472 Okay. I'll try. I'll try. Okay. 334 00:13:03,555 --> 00:13:05,597 All right. Let me get back to what I said about -- 335 00:13:05,681 --> 00:13:07,263 I forgot. Hold on Let me call him back. 336 00:13:07,347 --> 00:13:08,972 ♪♪♪ 337 00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:11,305 -[Schumer] Is it on? -[Pelosi] Is it working? 338 00:13:11,389 --> 00:13:12,806 Hello, constituents. 339 00:13:12,889 --> 00:13:16,472 Join the new "I'm with Blue, how about you?" campaign 340 00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:18,013 to urge Democrats 341 00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:20,180 to drop the fight for a livable minimum wage. 342 00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,722 [Ocasio-Cortez] Okay. No, honey, let's cut. 343 00:13:21,806 --> 00:13:23,013 We didn't get to announce 344 00:13:23,097 --> 00:13:26,389 which donor tier gets an XL Monsanto shirt! 345 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,931 Low-key, people are tired 346 00:13:28,013 --> 00:13:30,472 of scripted, focus-grouped messages. 347 00:13:30,555 --> 00:13:32,514 They want passionate leaders. 348 00:13:32,597 --> 00:13:34,639 Great. Which passions are polling the best? 349 00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:37,138 Forget it. I gotta go to Senator Dick Durbin's party. 350 00:13:37,222 --> 00:13:38,514 It's gonna be lit! 351 00:13:38,597 --> 00:13:40,055 [gasps] Chuck! 352 00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,722 We weren't invited to the Durbin Derby! 353 00:13:42,806 --> 00:13:44,681 But I kept that secret about him using 354 00:13:44,764 --> 00:13:47,305 the Congressional blow dryer on his bean bag! 355 00:13:47,389 --> 00:13:48,889 Alexandria, wait! 356 00:13:48,972 --> 00:13:50,639 We can do this. 357 00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,055 Sir, we've tried everything to convince the country 358 00:13:54,138 --> 00:13:56,347 to build your wacky hotel, including releasing 359 00:13:56,430 --> 00:13:59,138 a limited-edition Trump Tower Moscow Man cereal. 360 00:13:59,222 --> 00:14:01,180 Unfortunately, it tasted like bricks. 361 00:14:01,263 --> 00:14:02,389 Have you considered 362 00:14:02,472 --> 00:14:04,722 just declaring another national emergency? 363 00:14:04,806 --> 00:14:06,472 How dare you suggest such a thing! 364 00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,555 I learned my lesson and will never again 365 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,097 violate my sacred duty to the Constitu-- 366 00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:12,806 I'm kidding. It's done. What's for lunch? 367 00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:14,347 ♪♪♪ 368 00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,764 [President Trump] I requested a joint session of Congress 369 00:14:16,847 --> 00:14:18,931 because I supposedly negotiated 370 00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:22,472 a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine. 371 00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:24,347 The truth is, I've done nothing of the sort. 372 00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:27,389 Yay! Fight! Fight! Fight! Yay! 373 00:14:27,472 --> 00:14:29,222 Actually, I'm just letting you know 374 00:14:29,305 --> 00:14:31,764 that because you guys are being such jerks about it, 375 00:14:31,847 --> 00:14:34,305 I'm declaring a national emergency 376 00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:36,305 to build Trump Tower Moscow! 377 00:14:36,389 --> 00:14:37,597 [Congress] Boo! 378 00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:40,013 Come on. You love it. 379 00:14:40,097 --> 00:14:41,722 [crowd cheering] 380 00:14:41,806 --> 00:14:43,597 We're here with my squad. 381 00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:46,263 There's the OG, Chuck Schumer... 382 00:14:46,347 --> 00:14:47,597 Mr. Cool! 383 00:14:47,681 --> 00:14:51,389 ...and Queen Nancy Pelosi! 384 00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:53,347 Fancy Nancy! 385 00:14:53,430 --> 00:14:57,180 And we think that before we build hotels in Moscow, 386 00:14:57,263 --> 00:15:00,806 we need to focus on a Green New Deal, honey! 387 00:15:00,889 --> 00:15:02,931 Yes, and how will we pay for it? 388 00:15:03,013 --> 00:15:04,806 You guys know the dealio. 389 00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:07,514 Massive tax increases on the wealthy! 390 00:15:07,597 --> 00:15:09,597 Yo, honey! Okurrr! 391 00:15:09,681 --> 00:15:11,097 [President Trump] Wow! 392 00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:13,639 It's so easy declaring a national emergency! 393 00:15:13,722 --> 00:15:16,681 I might do another one tomorrow. Depends what's on TV. 394 00:15:16,764 --> 00:15:18,013 Anyway, let's break ground 395 00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:20,514 before this Bezos guy starts mowing my lawn. 396 00:15:20,597 --> 00:15:22,222 Oh, bad news, kiddo. 397 00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:24,931 I just found this pesky regulation in the NATO charter 398 00:15:25,013 --> 00:15:26,597 that says you can't build here 399 00:15:26,681 --> 00:15:28,472 unless you pull out of NATO, of course. 400 00:15:28,555 --> 00:15:29,681 -Really? -Yeah, yeah. 401 00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:31,889 It's in the really long and boring part. 402 00:15:32,013 --> 00:15:34,263 Ugh! That sounds really long and boring. 403 00:15:34,347 --> 00:15:36,806 Problem is, everything everyone says I can't do, 404 00:15:36,889 --> 00:15:38,639 I do, and everyone's like, "Fine. Whatever." 405 00:15:38,722 --> 00:15:40,222 But pulling out of NATO is the one thing 406 00:15:40,305 --> 00:15:42,347 everyone's like, "No, that one you really can't do." 407 00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:43,681 Aww. Too bad. 408 00:15:43,764 --> 00:15:45,806 Hey! Uh, Trump's too much of a wuss! 409 00:15:45,889 --> 00:15:48,514 Bezos, it's a go! Fantastic! 410 00:15:48,597 --> 00:15:51,972 My distribution center is gonna have 50 floors, one bathroom, 411 00:15:52,055 --> 00:15:53,555 and a really nice restaurant. 412 00:15:53,639 --> 00:15:56,472 Hey! Making the restaurant really nice was my idea! 413 00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:58,013 H-How do I pull out of NATO? 414 00:15:58,097 --> 00:16:00,764 I don't have an Allen wrench, FYI, if that's a part of it. 415 00:16:00,847 --> 00:16:02,472 ♪♪♪ 416 00:16:02,555 --> 00:16:04,472 [both snoring] 417 00:16:04,555 --> 00:16:07,097 -Ahh... -Ohh... 418 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:08,847 Aah! Free college! 419 00:16:08,931 --> 00:16:11,806 Chuck, wake up! What happened last night? 420 00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:14,097 I had this dream we promised to do some stuff 421 00:16:14,180 --> 00:16:16,138 that would require a political spine. 422 00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,347 Your housekeepers are probably just poisoning you. 423 00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,931 It happens to all of us eventually. 424 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,222 Well, should we head outside 425 00:16:21,305 --> 00:16:23,514 and joylessly pursue our modest goals? 426 00:16:23,597 --> 00:16:25,514 After you, my hack. 427 00:16:25,597 --> 00:16:26,764 [crowd cheering] 428 00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,222 [woman] We love you, Nancy! 429 00:16:28,305 --> 00:16:29,889 [man] We stan you, Chuck! 430 00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:32,472 -[crowd chanting] Eat the rich! -"Eat the rich"? 431 00:16:32,555 --> 00:16:34,430 What the hell are these people talking about?! 432 00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:37,472 AOC! That bitch! 433 00:16:37,555 --> 00:16:39,430 ♪♪♪ 434 00:16:39,514 --> 00:16:40,931 Just want to thank you all 435 00:16:41,013 --> 00:16:43,347 for supporting my emergency declaration. 436 00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:44,681 [all] Ehh... 437 00:16:44,764 --> 00:16:47,180 And I was thinking, what better way to celebrate 438 00:16:47,263 --> 00:16:49,889 than to pull out of NATO? [all] Whoa! 439 00:16:49,972 --> 00:16:52,097 Pulling out of NATO is nuts! And that's coming from someone 440 00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,347 who sleeps upside down in a coffin. 441 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,889 I sleep on my side, and my wife says that sometimes I snore. 442 00:16:57,972 --> 00:16:59,931 Pompeo, just because people are talking 443 00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:01,722 doesn't mean you have to talk, too. 444 00:17:01,806 --> 00:17:05,347 Sir, an international conspiracy between autocratic populists 445 00:17:05,430 --> 00:17:06,889 is a two-way street. 446 00:17:06,972 --> 00:17:08,681 I see you doing things for Putin, 447 00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:10,555 but what has he done for you? 448 00:17:10,639 --> 00:17:13,013 He does things for America all the time. 449 00:17:13,097 --> 00:17:14,764 Moana. Yeah, I think he did that. 450 00:17:14,847 --> 00:17:17,180 The supermoon was his. You're just jealous. 451 00:17:17,263 --> 00:17:19,597 My wife gets jealous when I spend too much time 452 00:17:19,681 --> 00:17:20,889 watching the ballgame. 453 00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,472 She hates you, Pompeo! Everyone does! 454 00:17:22,555 --> 00:17:24,263 You're like if curdled milk grew a mouth 455 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,097 and couldn't all the way zip his pants. 456 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:30,180 Good point, @PikaChoomGang87. 457 00:17:30,263 --> 00:17:34,263 We can't prepare for climate refugees until we abolish ICE. 458 00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:36,972 Hold that thought. AOC needs a pizza bagel. 459 00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,138 [glass shatters] 460 00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:39,889 You ruined us! 461 00:17:39,972 --> 00:17:43,013 Now our donors think we're some kind of liberals! 462 00:17:43,097 --> 00:17:45,430 Do you know how many bags of Monsanto fertilizer 463 00:17:45,514 --> 00:17:47,722 I'm gonna have to chug to get my calls returned?! 464 00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:50,263 You do realize that just because you cracked the screen 465 00:17:50,347 --> 00:17:52,764 doesn't mean that you broke the camera. 466 00:17:52,847 --> 00:17:56,347 So all this is... 'Gramming out? 467 00:17:56,430 --> 00:17:57,889 [Ocasio-Cortez] Say hi to two million people 468 00:17:57,972 --> 00:18:00,806 who got into politics maybe five months ago! 469 00:18:00,889 --> 00:18:04,097 Can you believe my Cabinet thinks you're using me? 470 00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:07,097 Look, you don't need a Cabinet. Okay? That settles that. 471 00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:09,472 Okay, so, for the Trump Tower Lobby, 472 00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:12,180 I'm thinking some gold, maybe a front desk with a lady. 473 00:18:12,263 --> 00:18:14,347 Ahh, forget about the stupid tower. 474 00:18:14,430 --> 00:18:16,597 You need to focus on pulling out of NATO. 475 00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:19,514 Back up! Did you just call the tower stupid? 476 00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:21,639 Trump, I love you, but if you don't pull out of NATO, 477 00:18:21,722 --> 00:18:23,180 this is not going to work. 478 00:18:23,263 --> 00:18:25,472 No. You hang up fir-- [line clicks, dial tone] 479 00:18:25,555 --> 00:18:26,639 God damn it! 480 00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,514 No one say a friggin' word! 481 00:18:29,597 --> 00:18:31,472 I called an emergency joint session 482 00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,555 to say I didn't want that tower in the first place! 483 00:18:34,639 --> 00:18:36,222 I'm perfectly happy as... 484 00:18:36,305 --> 00:18:38,514 [sobbing] president. 485 00:18:38,597 --> 00:18:42,472 I don't need portraits of beaches in the lobby, 486 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,263 a pool with eye-hurting water, 487 00:18:45,347 --> 00:18:48,263 one person at the front desk who isn't waiting on anybody, 488 00:18:48,347 --> 00:18:50,013 but you can't talk to them 489 00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:52,138 because they're looking down at something! 490 00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:53,389 [glass shatters] 491 00:18:53,472 --> 00:18:56,263 [sobs] It hurts so bad! 492 00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,889 I'm still gonna support him, but just out of pity. 493 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,222 [President Trump sobbing] 494 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,180 [President Trump] Nom-nom-nom-nom! 495 00:19:02,263 --> 00:19:04,097 You're too good for that tower, sir. 496 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:06,681 You need to get back out there and build another monstrosity, 497 00:19:06,764 --> 00:19:08,305 maybe a detention center 498 00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:10,972 or a self-sealing cube for menstruating women. 499 00:19:11,055 --> 00:19:13,931 I'm just worried that I let my soulmate get away. 500 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,097 [belches] 501 00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:19,138 [up-tempo music plays on radio] 502 00:19:19,222 --> 00:19:22,138 [Pelosi] We're in a pickle, Chuck. 503 00:19:22,222 --> 00:19:24,555 If we act like ourselves, we're despised, 504 00:19:24,639 --> 00:19:27,055 but if we act like AOC, we're popular. 505 00:19:27,138 --> 00:19:28,430 What do we do?! 506 00:19:28,514 --> 00:19:31,305 [sighs] Let's just become Republicans. 507 00:19:31,389 --> 00:19:34,430 Ah, we couldn't live with ourselves if we got stuff done. 508 00:19:34,514 --> 00:19:37,138 You're right. You know what? We should open a travel agency! 509 00:19:37,222 --> 00:19:40,263 No one uses travel agents anymore. 510 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,681 Exactly! We'd be the only ones out there! 511 00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:46,597 But no one uses them! That's why they don't exist! 512 00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:49,514 I know! That's the point! 513 00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:50,889 ♪♪♪ 514 00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,931 [whistling] 515 00:19:54,013 --> 00:19:56,430 Someone's got the sillies. What got into you? 516 00:19:56,514 --> 00:19:58,305 I had a great idea last night. 517 00:19:58,389 --> 00:20:01,055 What if we build Trump Tower Moscow... 518 00:20:01,138 --> 00:20:04,138 in Rio, Brazil, baby?! 519 00:20:04,222 --> 00:20:06,597 Dad, that sounds awesome, but the only place 520 00:20:06,681 --> 00:20:09,222 you're building Trump Tower Moscow Rio 521 00:20:09,305 --> 00:20:10,597 is in Moscow. 522 00:20:10,681 --> 00:20:13,764 Why? Because you're still hung up on that hot-ass hotel. 523 00:20:13,847 --> 00:20:14,889 I'm so not. 524 00:20:14,972 --> 00:20:16,514 Then why did I find this under your bed 525 00:20:16,597 --> 00:20:19,514 next to blueprints for something called Pizza Car? 526 00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:21,806 Ever since you launched your campaign, 527 00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:25,597 the Democrats, Robert Mueller, everyone on Earth 528 00:20:25,681 --> 00:20:28,347 has been trying to figure out why you kiss Russia's ass, 529 00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:31,263 as if it's something more complicated than it is. 530 00:20:31,347 --> 00:20:32,347 What is it? 531 00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:35,347 Love... of a shit ton of money. 532 00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:38,722 But the tower's moved on with Jeff Bezos. 533 00:20:38,806 --> 00:20:42,013 A lot of towers would love your name on them. That I know. 534 00:20:42,097 --> 00:20:44,889 But sometimes the tower that you were meant for 535 00:20:44,972 --> 00:20:48,597 was right in front of you all along in Moscow. 536 00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:51,222 Now go to it. 537 00:20:51,305 --> 00:20:54,472 If we hold a vote on AOC's Green New Deal, 538 00:20:54,555 --> 00:20:57,889 we'll get disinvited from Exxon's Christmas party. 539 00:20:57,972 --> 00:21:00,889 Pitbull was there last year. Pitbull! 540 00:21:00,972 --> 00:21:03,430 Maybe this is the only copy. Throw it in the microwave. 541 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,847 [beeping] 542 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,389 ♪♪♪ 543 00:21:08,472 --> 00:21:10,639 You know, I once heard the next generation 544 00:21:10,722 --> 00:21:12,639 is looking for passionate leaders. 545 00:21:12,722 --> 00:21:14,806 Maybe the only way to keep power 546 00:21:14,889 --> 00:21:18,555 is to get out there and fight for what we're told is right! 547 00:21:18,639 --> 00:21:21,514 Oh, boy. Nadler's gonna take his clippers back, isn't he? 548 00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,764 It's called courage, Chuck. 549 00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,639 ♪♪♪ 550 00:21:26,722 --> 00:21:29,389 I'm flying to Moscow and telling that tower how I feel, 551 00:21:29,472 --> 00:21:31,389 but, first, I'm gonna watch a quick 552 00:21:31,472 --> 00:21:33,555 eight straight hours of TV. Ass yeah! 553 00:21:33,639 --> 00:21:38,263 [goofy music plays on TV] 554 00:21:38,347 --> 00:21:40,597 Dad! Jeff Bezos is breaking ground 555 00:21:40,681 --> 00:21:43,764 on his Moscow distribution center in 12 hours! 556 00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,722 The flight is nine hours! I'll never make it in time! 557 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:47,722 -Aww, man. -Ugh! 558 00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:49,138 Aww! Wait! 559 00:21:49,222 --> 00:21:51,222 You can watch TV on the plane! 560 00:21:51,305 --> 00:21:53,180 Eric, you're a genius! 561 00:21:53,263 --> 00:21:55,055 [Ocasio-Cortez] Madam Speaker, 562 00:21:55,138 --> 00:21:58,097 I urge you to bring House Resolution 1878, 563 00:21:58,180 --> 00:21:59,847 the establishment of a Green New Deal Commission, 564 00:21:59,931 --> 00:22:01,180 to the floor. 565 00:22:01,263 --> 00:22:02,806 And to co-sponsor this bill, 566 00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:04,972 I brought with me today Queer Eye sensation 567 00:22:05,055 --> 00:22:06,514 Jonathan Van Ness! 568 00:22:06,597 --> 00:22:09,722 I'm talking less greenhouse gases, more renewable energy. 569 00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:13,305 I'm talking a 40%-to-60% reduction in emissions 570 00:22:13,389 --> 00:22:16,180 from 2010 levels by 2030, honey! 571 00:22:16,263 --> 00:22:18,972 [cheers and applause] 572 00:22:19,055 --> 00:22:21,555 [ding!] I'll be okay. 573 00:22:21,639 --> 00:22:24,889 This nation's greatest accomplishments were the result 574 00:22:24,972 --> 00:22:28,472 of leaders soberly pursuing reasonable goals. 575 00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,597 Like when Martin Luther King Jr. 576 00:22:30,681 --> 00:22:33,722 stood on the steps and said those inspiring words, 577 00:22:33,806 --> 00:22:36,847 "I have a dream, but it will never get through the Senate." 578 00:22:36,931 --> 00:22:39,055 But that's not the world we live in anymore. 579 00:22:39,138 --> 00:22:42,972 We live in the world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 580 00:22:43,055 --> 00:22:45,097 where passionately pursuing your beliefs 581 00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:46,764 is somehow more important 582 00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:49,305 than not making donor dinners awkward. 583 00:22:49,389 --> 00:22:52,931 And that's why I support this absurd bill! 584 00:22:53,013 --> 00:22:54,013 [cheers and applause] 585 00:22:54,097 --> 00:22:55,681 All in favor? 586 00:22:55,764 --> 00:22:56,889 [all] Aye! 587 00:22:56,972 --> 00:22:58,764 And the ayes have it. 588 00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:01,305 Chuck, you'll take it from here. 589 00:23:01,389 --> 00:23:03,514 On behalf of the United States Senate, 590 00:23:03,597 --> 00:23:06,514 I pronounce this bill dead on arrival! 591 00:23:06,597 --> 00:23:08,055 [cheers and applause] 592 00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:10,889 Whoo! Yippee! 593 00:23:12,389 --> 00:23:14,472 Oh, I'm so nervous. H-H-How do I look? 594 00:23:14,555 --> 00:23:17,347 If it's meant to be, it won't matter how long your tie is. 595 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:21,138 Don, I couldn't have done it without you, my best friend. 596 00:23:21,222 --> 00:23:22,681 [laughing hysterically] 597 00:23:22,764 --> 00:23:25,764 I can't say it without laughing! 598 00:23:25,847 --> 00:23:28,305 Who's best friends with their dad?! 599 00:23:28,389 --> 00:23:29,847 Pathetic! 600 00:23:29,931 --> 00:23:32,764 And now to break ground on this distribution center 601 00:23:32,847 --> 00:23:34,972 whose working conditions terrify even me. 602 00:23:35,055 --> 00:23:36,764 [cheers and applause] 603 00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:38,722 Shit! Ass! We're too late! 604 00:23:39,555 --> 00:23:42,722 [distorted] N-o-o-o-o! 605 00:23:42,806 --> 00:23:45,514 [thud] Aaaaah! 606 00:23:45,597 --> 00:23:47,639 Whoa! Jesus Christ, Donald! 607 00:23:47,722 --> 00:23:50,013 There's a lot of vital organs where that shovel is! 608 00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:52,931 Hey. This is the healthiest thing I've ever put in my body. 609 00:23:53,013 --> 00:23:56,305 Look, Putin, no one is getting between me and that tower, 610 00:23:56,389 --> 00:23:58,514 especially you and Jerk Bozo. 611 00:23:58,597 --> 00:24:00,180 That's my new nickname for him. 612 00:24:00,263 --> 00:24:01,639 Do we like it? We like it. 613 00:24:01,722 --> 00:24:04,222 Donald, listen. I have given the land to Bezos. 614 00:24:04,305 --> 00:24:06,305 Unlike you, he actually has the power 615 00:24:06,389 --> 00:24:08,138 to get the U.S. to pull out of NATO. 616 00:24:08,222 --> 00:24:09,681 Hold it right there, Vladimir. 617 00:24:09,764 --> 00:24:11,931 Like so many Amazon employees, 618 00:24:12,013 --> 00:24:15,263 Donald here has sacrificed his vital organs to make a buck, 619 00:24:15,347 --> 00:24:17,097 and there's something to be said for that. 620 00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:20,472 So you're giving me the land so I can build my cool hotel?! 621 00:24:20,555 --> 00:24:22,430 Oh, God, no. I got to make a buck, too. 622 00:24:22,514 --> 00:24:23,931 So let's break this ground! 623 00:24:24,013 --> 00:24:26,347 ♪♪♪ 624 00:24:26,430 --> 00:24:28,722 There's gonna be so much piss and shit. 625 00:24:28,806 --> 00:24:30,430 It's gonna be great. 626 00:24:30,514 --> 00:24:32,555 Don, pull the plane around. 627 00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:35,389 I literally have no idea how to do that. 628 00:24:35,472 --> 00:24:38,931 Don, you're embarrassing me. Pull around the plane. 629 00:24:39,013 --> 00:24:41,055 ♪♪♪ 630 00:24:41,138 --> 00:24:44,347 Well, Chuck, we held onto power for one more day. 631 00:24:44,430 --> 00:24:46,138 Do you think we'll ever kill someone 632 00:24:46,222 --> 00:24:47,722 in the name of preserving our status? 633 00:24:47,806 --> 00:24:51,639 There's a lot of bends in the river of life. Who knows? 634 00:24:51,722 --> 00:24:54,806 Hey. I know you really wanted this, so here you go. 635 00:24:54,889 --> 00:24:56,430 [ding!] [Schumer] Oh, my God. 636 00:24:56,514 --> 00:24:57,847 Where did you get these?! 637 00:24:57,931 --> 00:25:00,681 I promised Jerry Nadler I'd teach him to floss dance. 638 00:25:00,764 --> 00:25:03,305 So, some other freshmen congresspeople and I 639 00:25:03,389 --> 00:25:05,430 are going to Twitch stream ourselves 640 00:25:05,514 --> 00:25:08,180 eating fast casual ramen and talking wage slavery. 641 00:25:08,263 --> 00:25:10,389 You should come. 642 00:25:10,472 --> 00:25:14,347 You know... we just might. 643 00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,389 She didn't tell us where she lives. 644 00:25:16,472 --> 00:25:18,013 [tires squeal, vehicle departs] Shit. 645 00:25:18,097 --> 00:25:22,806 ♪♪♪ 646 00:25:27,097 --> 00:25:29,639 [Mnuchin] Are you gonna get that thing taken out? 647 00:25:29,722 --> 00:25:31,722 Nah. I kinda like it. 648 00:25:31,806 --> 00:25:34,472 It's like my own little kickstand. 649 00:25:34,555 --> 00:25:35,555 How ya doin'? 650 00:25:35,639 --> 00:25:37,389 I-I'm serious. How are you doing? 651 00:25:37,472 --> 00:25:38,931 I'm all right. I'm just learning 652 00:25:39,013 --> 00:25:41,222 to love the dictator I see in the mirror. 653 00:25:41,305 --> 00:25:42,931 Good for you. 654 00:25:43,013 --> 00:25:44,972 ♪♪♪ 655 00:25:45,055 --> 00:25:46,514 Hey. Uhh... 656 00:25:46,597 --> 00:25:49,097 Kim Jong-un says if we lift sanctions on North Korea, 657 00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:50,889 he'll build Trump Tower Pyongyang. 658 00:25:50,972 --> 00:25:53,806 Should I tell him you're taking time for yourself, or...? 659 00:25:53,889 --> 00:25:55,847 Hey, Kim Jong-un! 660 00:25:55,931 --> 00:25:59,055 I know your nation isn't big on feeding people, 661 00:25:59,138 --> 00:26:02,263 but what do you think about really nice restaurants? 662 00:26:02,347 --> 00:26:03,555 ['80s-style pop music plays] 663 00:26:03,639 --> 00:26:06,681 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 664 00:26:06,764 --> 00:26:10,347 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 665 00:26:10,430 --> 00:26:12,722 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 666 00:26:12,806 --> 00:26:14,222 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 667 00:26:14,305 --> 00:26:17,347 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 668 00:26:17,430 --> 00:26:19,972 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 669 00:26:20,055 --> 00:26:21,555 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 670 00:26:21,639 --> 00:26:24,514 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 671 00:26:24,597 --> 00:26:29,430 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 672 00:26:31,555 --> 00:26:33,389 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 673 00:26:33,472 --> 00:26:36,764 ♪ He is our president ♪ 674 00:26:36,847 --> 00:26:40,263 ♪ We made him president ♪ 675 00:26:40,347 --> 00:26:42,681 ♪ We did it ♪ 676 00:26:42,764 --> 00:26:46,555 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 677 00:26:46,639 --> 00:26:49,681 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 678 00:26:49,764 --> 00:26:53,180 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 679 00:26:53,263 --> 00:26:56,597 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 680 00:26:56,681 --> 00:27:00,138 ♪ Yeah ♪ 681 00:27:00,222 --> 00:27:02,472 Trump! 51704

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