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1
00:00:05,812 --> 00:00:07,944
_
2
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,214
Hey, Joan, you want to
go for a walk with me?
3
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,782
I got my new stretchy pants on.
4
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,425
JOAN: Oh, I think the ones
5
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,587
with the little windows in
the front are for the ladies.
6
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,922
Oh, man.
7
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,192
I can't return 'em 'cause
I'm not wearing underwear.
8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,535
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- All right, what do you say...
9
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,657
let's take this awesome
conversation on the road,
10
00:00:27,682 --> 00:00:29,463
put a few miles on that new knee.
11
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,309
Oh, fun. No.
12
00:00:31,334 --> 00:00:33,434
Oh, come on, Joan, we
both need the rehab.
13
00:00:33,459 --> 00:00:34,868
My ticker, your kicker.
14
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,003
Besides, I promised
Heather that I'd get you
15
00:00:37,028 --> 00:00:38,339
out of that bathrobe.
16
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,315
I don't think that
was correctly phrased.
17
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,043
No, that's exactly what I wanted to say.
18
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,698
Um, I want to get you out of that robe
19
00:00:44,723 --> 00:00:46,392
and turn you into a streetwalker.
20
00:00:46,417 --> 00:00:48,552
(LAUGHS)
21
00:00:50,035 --> 00:00:51,293
Oh, I'm exhausted.
22
00:00:51,326 --> 00:00:54,596
These pants have no ventilation.
23
00:00:54,629 --> 00:00:57,332
My thigh windows are all fogged up.
24
00:00:57,365 --> 00:00:59,106
Yeah, I feel the same.
25
00:00:59,131 --> 00:01:01,620
I couldn't even walk
over the speed bump.
26
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:05,354
I had to sit on the curb
and then throw my legs over.
27
00:01:05,379 --> 00:01:07,253
Whoa, look at this.
28
00:01:07,278 --> 00:01:08,943
Who would throw this out?
29
00:01:08,977 --> 00:01:11,213
Oh, I think most people.
30
00:01:11,246 --> 00:01:13,298
Yeah, well, most people don't have
31
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,426
a treadmill-sized space
right next to their bed.
32
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:19,129
Well, I haven't played one of these
33
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,298
since John and I were first dating.
34
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,333
Oh, my gosh, we won enough tickets
35
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:25,969
to buy three packs of cigarettes.
36
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,471
It was a different time.
37
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,804
I can't even remember
the first time I played.
38
00:01:29,829 --> 00:01:32,309
So, we've all got our stories.
39
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,543
(CHUCKLES)
40
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,148
Yeah, and now I'm just
like this old table:
41
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:41,017
I'm broken down and ready
to be dumped at the curb.
42
00:01:41,051 --> 00:01:43,320
Hey, don't talk like that.
43
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,954
Sure, she's past her prime,
44
00:01:44,988 --> 00:01:46,590
but you can still
sink your balls in her.
45
00:01:46,623 --> 00:01:48,458
- Oh!
- Come on.
46
00:01:48,492 --> 00:01:50,689
- (GIGGLING)
- What do you say? Give it a try.
47
00:01:50,714 --> 00:01:52,562
- Fine.
- Yeah.
48
00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:54,064
- All right.
- Yeah, well,
49
00:01:54,089 --> 00:01:55,143
it's not like, you know,
50
00:01:55,168 --> 00:01:58,063
throwing a ball is gonna
make everything seem bet...
51
00:01:58,578 --> 00:02:00,670
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh!
52
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:03,273
Did you see that shot?
I've still got it.
53
00:02:03,307 --> 00:02:05,095
All right, what do you say?
A little game, you and I?
54
00:02:05,119 --> 00:02:08,345
Oh, I think I'm gonna beat
the lady pants off you.
55
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,595
(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TELEVISION)
56
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:13,954
Hey, Joan.
57
00:02:13,979 --> 00:02:15,885
You, uh, ready for another walk?
58
00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:17,354
No, I don't think so.
59
00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:19,705
I'm kind of exhausted from yesterday.
60
00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:22,726
Um, you know, I-I
promised Heather, you know?
61
00:02:22,759 --> 00:02:25,947
And I thought of, like,
a dozen ball jokes.
62
00:02:25,972 --> 00:02:27,527
I thought of two as well.
63
00:02:27,552 --> 00:02:29,666
One of them's historical.
64
00:02:29,699 --> 00:02:31,401
I'll go get them. I wrote them down.
65
00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:32,502
All right.
66
00:02:32,974 --> 00:02:35,403
Hey, this is getting much easier.
67
00:02:35,428 --> 00:02:37,676
Did you see me on that speed bump?
68
00:02:37,701 --> 00:02:38,875
I did.
69
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,052
You know what's really great?
70
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,678
You're wearing underwear today.
71
00:02:41,711 --> 00:02:44,637
Oh, you can see the lines.
72
00:02:44,981 --> 00:02:47,543
I was gonna say the
conversation is nice.
73
00:02:47,707 --> 00:02:48,902
It is.
74
00:02:52,251 --> 00:02:55,020
- Oh! Yes.
- (GROANS)
75
00:02:56,642 --> 00:02:59,596
Now, all my balls are in your court.
76
00:02:59,629 --> 00:03:01,931
Ugh. You destroyed me, Joan.
77
00:03:01,965 --> 00:03:03,767
- Oh, honey.
- Well,
78
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,119
I got bogged down trying to make
79
00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:07,276
a "Cinderella at the balls"
joke, but it's impossible.
80
00:03:07,301 --> 00:03:09,203
It can't be done.
81
00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:11,908
Can you imagine Cinderella squeezing in
82
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,810
two balls before midnight?
83
00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:15,468
Damn it!
84
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,381
(CHUCKLES)
85
00:03:19,121 --> 00:03:20,684
Oh, hey, I grabbed a bunch of tickets
86
00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:22,328
out of Sophia's drawer
so we could pretend
87
00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:23,953
- that we won.
- Oh, I think she was
88
00:03:23,987 --> 00:03:26,390
- saving those for a laser tag.
- Ah.
89
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,385
She's got a piggy bank
that says "College Fund."
90
00:03:28,410 --> 00:03:29,702
I take from that all the time.
91
00:03:29,726 --> 00:03:31,870
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, no.
92
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:34,052
It's gone.
93
00:03:36,511 --> 00:03:37,558
It's gone.
94
00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:39,752
Oh, gee.
95
00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:42,472
- It was fun while it lasted.
- Yeah.
96
00:03:43,205 --> 00:03:46,580
I have to thank Heather for
getting us to exercise together.
97
00:03:46,823 --> 00:03:48,245
Yeah, about that.
98
00:03:48,278 --> 00:03:51,114
Uh... if I'm being
totally honest with you,
99
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,882
Heather doesn't know
we've been doing this.
100
00:03:52,916 --> 00:03:54,150
What do you mean?
101
00:03:54,184 --> 00:03:56,482
Well, she wanted me to go for a walk,
102
00:03:56,507 --> 00:03:59,289
but I was afraid to go alone.
103
00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,733
I mean, what happens if my heart stops
104
00:04:00,757 --> 00:04:02,312
and there's no one there
to get it started again?
105
00:04:02,336 --> 00:04:03,770
Oh, Tim.
106
00:04:04,496 --> 00:04:05,829
I know we've had our differences
107
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:07,497
- over the years, Joan.
- We have?
108
00:04:07,531 --> 00:04:09,666
We weren't even talking
to each other last winter.
109
00:04:09,699 --> 00:04:10,817
We weren't?
110
00:04:10,842 --> 00:04:12,145
But, these last few days,
111
00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,871
you've been a real comfort to me.
112
00:04:14,037 --> 00:04:17,774
Oh, Tim, this whole heart
thing can be so scary.
113
00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:20,176
You know, but trust
me, I think your heart's
114
00:04:20,210 --> 00:04:21,711
the best part of you.
115
00:04:21,909 --> 00:04:24,475
Aw. Thanks, Joan.
116
00:04:25,582 --> 00:04:26,850
Well, you want to head back?
117
00:04:26,883 --> 00:04:29,619
We knew the arcade had
to close eventually.
118
00:04:29,653 --> 00:04:31,155
(TIM CHUCKLES)
119
00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,598
I'm sorry for whatever
I said last winter.
120
00:04:33,623 --> 00:04:34,817
Oh, you didn't say anything.
121
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,121
That's what hurt.
122
00:04:38,674 --> 00:04:41,006
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
123
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:42,287
Coming.
124
00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:45,702
- JOAN: Tim! Tim.
- (KNOCKING CONTINUES)
125
00:04:45,954 --> 00:04:47,876
- Hi.
- Joan. What...?
126
00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:51,408
On my way to the store, I
found an air hockey table.
127
00:04:51,441 --> 00:04:53,209
Just left for dead on the curb.
128
00:04:53,243 --> 00:04:56,012
Uh, about eight blocks away.
You think we can make it?
129
00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:57,314
Eight blocks?
130
00:04:57,347 --> 00:04:58,548
I can do eight and a half.
131
00:04:58,582 --> 00:05:00,183
(EXCITED SQUEAL) Let's do it.
132
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,217
Let's do it.
133
00:05:01,242 --> 00:05:03,981
And we can work on our jokes on the way.
134
00:05:04,006 --> 00:05:06,186
You'll never guess
what rhymes with "puck."
135
00:05:08,262 --> 00:05:10,121
_
136
00:05:11,695 --> 00:05:13,229
Thank you for the dinner.
137
00:05:13,263 --> 00:05:15,765
May I please be excused?
138
00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:18,504
Yes, you may be excused.
139
00:05:18,847 --> 00:05:21,858
(SCOFFS) We really hit
the jackpot with this kid.
140
00:05:21,883 --> 00:05:23,583
I mean, I don't even mind
that he makes me look bad
141
00:05:23,607 --> 00:05:25,351
- when he opens the car door for you.
- (CHUCKLES)
142
00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:28,880
I can't believe that we are
parents to a four-year-old.
143
00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:32,089
The only thing is, what are we
gonna do with all this baby stuff?
144
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:34,183
- Oh, I know.
- (GROANS)
145
00:05:34,217 --> 00:05:35,568
Maybe we can sell it to Greg.
146
00:05:35,593 --> 00:05:37,727
Careful. My snake's in there.
147
00:05:37,752 --> 00:05:38,887
No, it's not.
148
00:05:38,912 --> 00:05:42,090
- Careful, my snake's somewhere.
- Oh, Dougie.
149
00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:43,388
Hi, Dougie.
150
00:05:43,413 --> 00:05:45,952
Oh, the new guy's still here.
151
00:05:45,977 --> 00:05:48,365
Yes, Dougie, we adopted him, remember?
152
00:05:48,398 --> 00:05:50,500
That's why we had you
move into the office.
153
00:05:50,534 --> 00:05:54,007
Right, yes. I remember...
154
00:05:55,414 --> 00:05:56,716
Lucas.
155
00:05:56,741 --> 00:06:01,342
(IMITATING DARTH VADER):
Luke, I am your father.
156
00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:03,407
Bit of a risky joke for an adopted kid.
157
00:06:06,313 --> 00:06:07,681
COLLEEN: Yes.
158
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:11,157
Lucas, do you have any twos?
159
00:06:12,088 --> 00:06:14,691
Go fish, fart-sack.
160
00:06:15,712 --> 00:06:18,079
Did you just call me a fart-sack?
161
00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:20,772
Lucas, where did you hear that?
162
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:21,735
DOUGIE: Hey!
163
00:06:21,768 --> 00:06:25,360
Which one of you fart-sacks
took my shower Crocs?
164
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,539
- Think I know where he heard it.
- Mm-hmm.
165
00:06:30,594 --> 00:06:32,373
MATT: So, Dougie.
166
00:06:32,398 --> 00:06:34,693
Suddenly living with
a four-year-old is...
167
00:06:34,718 --> 00:06:38,249
that's just new territory for all of us.
168
00:06:38,655 --> 00:06:40,958
And you're setting a terrible example.
169
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,051
You are.
170
00:06:42,085 --> 00:06:44,624
Okay, Dougie, we are not
asking you to move out.
171
00:06:44,649 --> 00:06:46,165
No, because you just
signed that two-year lease
172
00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:47,633
and we know how vindictive you can be.
173
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,643
Thank you guys for noticing.
174
00:06:49,668 --> 00:06:52,128
All we're asking is
that you find your snake,
175
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,439
you try and watch your language,
176
00:06:53,463 --> 00:06:54,846
and you just be your best self.
177
00:06:54,871 --> 00:06:57,471
- Or you can be someone else's best self.
- Yeah.
178
00:06:58,182 --> 00:07:00,136
I will consider your request.
179
00:07:02,292 --> 00:07:04,127
I've made a decision.
180
00:07:04,585 --> 00:07:06,543
Mm. I've reconsidered.
181
00:07:06,752 --> 00:07:08,587
And I will honor your request.
182
00:07:11,426 --> 00:07:13,450
Lucas, how are you enjoying dinner?
183
00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:14,483
(BURPS)
184
00:07:14,682 --> 00:07:15,883
DOUGIE: Lucas!
185
00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:19,355
Manners. There are ladies here.
186
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,791
Uh, Dougie, you look...
187
00:07:21,825 --> 00:07:23,960
Hot? I know.
188
00:07:24,330 --> 00:07:25,529
- Colleen...
- Mm-hmm?
189
00:07:25,562 --> 00:07:29,599
could you please
pass the po-ta-toes?
190
00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:32,502
I would be happy to.
What a polite young lady.
191
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,466
Ah. Degrassias.
192
00:07:34,491 --> 00:07:38,542
Could you please
pass the po-ta-toes?
193
00:07:38,831 --> 00:07:40,465
DOUGIE: Yes, sir.
194
00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:41,645
All right.
195
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:44,013
Dougie, thank you so
much for making an effort.
196
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,482
Ah, you got it.
197
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:46,883
I would curtsy right now,
198
00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:50,019
but my Spanx are about
to split me in two.
199
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,521
(ALL CHUCKLING)
200
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,789
I want soda.
201
00:07:53,814 --> 00:07:55,398
(CLEARS THROAT) Dougie...
202
00:07:55,986 --> 00:07:59,575
Um, "may I want soda."
203
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,264
No, no, Dougie, we-we don't drink soda.
204
00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:05,168
Of course we do not.
205
00:08:05,201 --> 00:08:08,204
Carbonation is the devil's gas.
206
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,405
- Dig in.
- (CHUCKLES)
207
00:08:09,439 --> 00:08:11,508
Mmm.
208
00:08:11,541 --> 00:08:12,685
Oh, Dougie, you have a
little something on your...
209
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,744
Know what? Enough.
210
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:17,094
I can't keep up this charade.
211
00:08:17,119 --> 00:08:20,024
It's too hard being your perfect baby.
212
00:08:20,049 --> 00:08:23,115
And this dinner, it tastes like poo.
213
00:08:24,013 --> 00:08:25,247
- I'm out of here.
- (FABRIC RIPPING)
214
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:27,138
Ow. Ow. Ow!
215
00:08:27,163 --> 00:08:30,636
Ah! I got angry and my Spanx just blew.
216
00:08:30,661 --> 00:08:31,793
Okay.
217
00:08:31,818 --> 00:08:34,263
Night is over, losers.
218
00:08:34,288 --> 00:08:36,766
This is the worst dinner I've ever had.
219
00:08:37,107 --> 00:08:38,238
Ah, God.
220
00:08:38,263 --> 00:08:41,927
Yeah, it is poo, losers.
221
00:08:48,706 --> 00:08:51,861
Give me, give me candy! Candy!
222
00:08:51,886 --> 00:08:54,017
Dougie's been a really
bad influence on him.
223
00:08:54,050 --> 00:08:56,319
She was singing that "Give
me candy" song all morning.
224
00:08:56,343 --> 00:08:58,229
- Oh.
- But it's not Lucas's fault.
225
00:08:58,254 --> 00:09:00,624
He's only acting like this
because he wants candy.
226
00:09:00,657 --> 00:09:02,721
Yeah. Do you have any?
227
00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:04,640
The child has asked for
some several times now.
228
00:09:04,665 --> 00:09:06,262
Give me, give me candy, candy!
229
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,497
Give me, give me candy, candy!
230
00:09:07,531 --> 00:09:10,233
Oh, you guys, listen,
Dougie is not your problem.
231
00:09:10,266 --> 00:09:11,853
I mean, yeah, she is
a problem, in general,
232
00:09:11,877 --> 00:09:13,477
but she's not this problem.
233
00:09:13,502 --> 00:09:15,338
You have to talk to your kid.
234
00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,006
- But he's so young.
- Oh...
235
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,050
Yeah, and we don't want to say anything
236
00:09:18,074 --> 00:09:19,185
that's gonna make him hate us.
237
00:09:19,209 --> 00:09:21,786
Yeah, you do. That's how you
know you're being a good parent.
238
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,513
Sam, go do your homework.
239
00:09:23,547 --> 00:09:25,114
Mom, go do your housework.
240
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,138
Okay, see? That hurt.
241
00:09:27,163 --> 00:09:29,341
But you get where I'm going with this.
242
00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:31,654
- So we got to, like, lay down the law.
- Yeah.
243
00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,354
And if he hates us,
we'll just give him candy.
244
00:09:34,379 --> 00:09:35,254
Okay, no.
245
00:09:35,279 --> 00:09:36,693
And then we'll take it back.
246
00:09:39,554 --> 00:09:41,031
MAN (ON TV): Watch the entrails
247
00:09:41,056 --> 00:09:42,928
pour out like pancake batter.
248
00:09:42,953 --> 00:09:44,067
Lucas, what are you doing?
249
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,155
You're supposed to be in bed, buddy.
250
00:09:46,180 --> 00:09:49,178
Ugh, we're watching a
documentary on autopsies.
251
00:09:49,203 --> 00:09:51,888
Dougie, this isn't
appropriate for Lucas.
252
00:09:51,913 --> 00:09:55,011
Don't worry, it's autopsies on aliens.
253
00:09:55,044 --> 00:09:58,369
You should see the genitals on this one.
254
00:09:58,394 --> 00:10:00,549
Okay, Lucas, go to bed.
255
00:10:00,574 --> 00:10:04,275
But Dougie said I could
watch one more genital.
256
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:08,324
Well, Dougie is not
your parents. We are.
257
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,082
Go to bed. Now.
258
00:10:10,107 --> 00:10:13,343
(LUCAS AND DOUGIE GROAN)
259
00:10:14,462 --> 00:10:15,999
(LUCAS CONTINUES GROANING)
260
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,953
This is so hard. I hate being hated.
261
00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:20,334
I didn't think we would
have to feel like this
262
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:21,975
until we had a teenager.
263
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,196
Don't worry, you guys
are doing the right thing.
264
00:10:25,221 --> 00:10:29,192
Kids deal well with boundaries.
That's why I was kept in a cage.
265
00:10:31,581 --> 00:10:33,522
- I can't sleep.
- No, I know.
266
00:10:33,547 --> 00:10:35,719
I know. Me neither.
267
00:10:35,752 --> 00:10:37,243
Me neither.
268
00:10:37,297 --> 00:10:39,355
Can I sleep with you?
269
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,319
- Aw.
- I got this, Colleen.
270
00:10:41,344 --> 00:10:42,766
We said go to bed.
271
00:10:43,032 --> 00:10:44,599
No, this is what we want.
272
00:10:44,624 --> 00:10:45,858
Oh, I'm so sorry.
273
00:10:45,883 --> 00:10:48,722
I'm-I'm a little fuzzy
on the rules, buddy.
274
00:10:48,747 --> 00:10:50,349
You want to come up here?
275
00:10:55,605 --> 00:10:57,807
(CHUCKLES)
276
00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:05,231
So, is Dougie my brother
277
00:11:05,256 --> 00:11:06,901
or my sister?
278
00:11:10,661 --> 00:11:12,528
_
279
00:11:14,458 --> 00:11:16,592
Geez, Heather, when
I said I'd volunteer,
280
00:11:16,626 --> 00:11:18,962
I-I thought I'd be doing
morning announcements
281
00:11:18,995 --> 00:11:21,698
and sharing my political views.
282
00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:23,099
(CHUCKLES) No, Dad, this is great.
283
00:11:23,132 --> 00:11:24,701
Gets you out, lets you be more social.
284
00:11:24,734 --> 00:11:26,903
Well, I've got your mother and Alexa.
285
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,337
Well, they both need a break
286
00:11:28,371 --> 00:11:29,707
from being yelled at all the time.
287
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,902
Ooh, hey! We know this one.
288
00:11:30,927 --> 00:11:32,842
- Hi, Soph!
- Hi, Pop-Pop.
289
00:11:32,876 --> 00:11:33,785
What are you doing here?
290
00:11:33,810 --> 00:11:35,712
I'm slinging garbage.
291
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,746
My apologies to the cook.
292
00:11:37,771 --> 00:11:40,449
Oh, I didn't make that slop.
293
00:11:40,483 --> 00:11:43,452
I just pour sawdust on
it when it comes back up.
294
00:11:43,486 --> 00:11:46,089
Steve Sissel, Janitorial Arts.
295
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:49,793
Oh, John Short, uh, Alcohol Sciences.
296
00:11:49,826 --> 00:11:53,206
- Ooh, that's my minor.
- Oh.
297
00:11:53,231 --> 00:11:54,488
Ugh.
298
00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:57,133
Uh, Sophia, why is your hot grandpa
299
00:11:57,166 --> 00:11:59,490
- talking to Psycho Sissel?
- What?
300
00:11:59,515 --> 00:12:01,484
Look, I'm gonna go clean
out the teachers' crapper.
301
00:12:01,508 --> 00:12:02,280
Mm-hmm.
302
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,612
You finish up that
slop, and we'll meet back
303
00:12:04,637 --> 00:12:06,472
in the janitor's closet
in about 15 minutes.
304
00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:07,455
Got it.
305
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,746
I didn't know that
creepy weirdo could speak.
306
00:12:09,779 --> 00:12:12,034
And did you just call my grandpa hot?
307
00:12:13,284 --> 00:12:14,984
(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING)
308
00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:16,419
(DOORBELL RINGS)
309
00:12:16,452 --> 00:12:19,823
I'll get it. I hate this
part. It's way too scary.
310
00:12:22,668 --> 00:12:24,236
(SCREAMING ON TV)
311
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:27,797
(SCREAMS)
312
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,328
Sophia, he's got a chain saw!
313
00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:31,267
You're missing it!
314
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,812
Hey, Siss. Thanks for letting
me borrow your chain saw.
315
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,296
Mine's stuck in a tree.
316
00:12:36,321 --> 00:12:38,938
Yeah, I threw it up there
trying to scare a cat down.
317
00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:40,828
Well, be careful with this one.
318
00:12:40,853 --> 00:12:45,219
It'll cut right through bone,
at least the bones of a child.
319
00:12:45,468 --> 00:12:46,903
(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING)
320
00:12:48,155 --> 00:12:50,719
That's what the weird salesman told me.
321
00:12:54,713 --> 00:12:56,392
Why is Psycho Sissel here?
322
00:12:56,751 --> 00:12:59,729
Pop-Pop met him at school, and
I think they're friends now.
323
00:12:59,763 --> 00:13:01,313
- What?
- SAMANTHA: Does Pop-Pop know
324
00:13:01,338 --> 00:13:03,619
that Sissel steals fetal
pigs from the science lab
325
00:13:03,644 --> 00:13:05,268
and eats them in the janitor's closet?
326
00:13:05,301 --> 00:13:08,271
I heard he waits until everyone is gone,
327
00:13:08,304 --> 00:13:10,018
turns off all the lights,
328
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:13,726
and slowly walks up and
down the school hallways.
329
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,423
Up and down,
330
00:13:15,448 --> 00:13:18,647
up and down, with a mop.
331
00:13:18,681 --> 00:13:22,051
Ugh, he's so gross and crusty.
332
00:13:22,085 --> 00:13:25,054
His face looks like the
top of a cranberry muffin.
333
00:13:25,173 --> 00:13:26,789
I just wish he'd leave.
334
00:13:26,814 --> 00:13:30,028
Oh, is that so? Well, you got your wish.
335
00:13:30,386 --> 00:13:33,204
Hey, Siss, let's drink a bunch
336
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,731
and then fire up this chain
saw and cut some stuff.
337
00:13:35,765 --> 00:13:39,803
No. I got to go clean
out the long jump pit.
338
00:13:39,836 --> 00:13:42,752
Preschoolers treat it like a litter box.
339
00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:45,374
It gets all gross and crusty,
340
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:48,257
like a cranberry muffin.
341
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:49,880
(DOOR OPENS)
342
00:13:49,905 --> 00:13:51,933
That's okay, I-I can always
343
00:13:51,958 --> 00:13:54,394
- chug and cut with some other friend.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
344
00:13:57,342 --> 00:13:58,624
(SIGHS)
345
00:14:01,076 --> 00:14:02,792
Pop-Pop, are you okay?
346
00:14:02,826 --> 00:14:06,930
Well, I called Mr. Sissel,
like, five times, and nothing.
347
00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:09,983
Well, I'm sure he's
really busy at school.
348
00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:11,936
He had to clean all the lice combs.
349
00:14:11,961 --> 00:14:13,491
HEATHER: You know what, Dad? Listen,
350
00:14:13,516 --> 00:14:15,109
he probably doesn't get good reception.
351
00:14:15,134 --> 00:14:17,306
I mean, clearly the guy
lives in a basement somewhere.
352
00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:19,542
No, he's definitely
not returning my calls.
353
00:14:19,575 --> 00:14:22,078
I guess he's just not that into me.
354
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,737
Well, you don't need him.
You got plenty of friends.
355
00:14:24,762 --> 00:14:27,516
Oh, no, sweetie. Actually,
all his friends are dead.
356
00:14:27,541 --> 00:14:29,059
Two are in hospice.
357
00:14:29,084 --> 00:14:30,394
Oh, that's right.
358
00:14:30,419 --> 00:14:31,988
(PHONE CHIMES)
359
00:14:32,286 --> 00:14:34,688
Oh, make that one.
360
00:14:36,490 --> 00:14:38,186
Hello?
361
00:14:38,692 --> 00:14:41,628
Mr. Sissel?
362
00:14:43,388 --> 00:14:44,856
Mr. Sissel?
363
00:14:44,881 --> 00:14:46,693
- What do you want?
- (GASPS)
364
00:14:49,224 --> 00:14:50,806
My God, it's true.
365
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,244
They're horrible, ain't they?
366
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,281
The science lab ran out of space,
367
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,650
so they make me store 'em down here.
368
00:15:00,675 --> 00:15:01,665
Huh?
369
00:15:01,690 --> 00:15:03,665
You know, I broke one once.
370
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,893
Only thing that'll get
that smell out is time.
371
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:11,305
Mr. Sissel, I'm so sorry for being mean.
372
00:15:11,330 --> 00:15:14,939
Please don't let that affect
your relationship with my grandpa.
373
00:15:14,964 --> 00:15:16,799
He doesn't make many friends.
374
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:19,015
Yeah, neither do I.
375
00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:21,805
I thought it was
because I was too chatty.
376
00:15:22,094 --> 00:15:23,288
But now, thanks to you,
377
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:26,262
I know it's because I'm
a horrifying monster.
378
00:15:26,287 --> 00:15:29,613
No, you're not. I'm sure
you're a very nice man
379
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:32,570
and that there's a good reason
there's a dismembered torso
380
00:15:32,595 --> 00:15:34,298
in the corner of the room.
381
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:36,592
That's the CPR dummy.
382
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:38,799
That is a good reason.
383
00:15:39,388 --> 00:15:41,757
So, will you call Pop-Pop back?
384
00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:44,290
Yeah, I guess.
385
00:15:44,579 --> 00:15:46,896
And, you know, the kids might
not think you're so scary
386
00:15:46,930 --> 00:15:48,564
if you smiled a bit more.
387
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,444
Or you could just smile with your eyes.
388
00:15:55,638 --> 00:15:56,839
We'll keep thinking.
389
00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:01,107
Hey, guys.
390
00:16:01,132 --> 00:16:02,601
Sissel's got Sophia!
391
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,932
(ALL SCREAMING)
392
00:16:08,773 --> 00:16:10,695
_
393
00:16:12,835 --> 00:16:14,460
Jen, you're amazing.
394
00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:17,050
Throwing the perfect
birthday party for Lark
395
00:16:17,075 --> 00:16:18,968
three weeks before you're due.
396
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,723
What's the theme?
397
00:16:22,035 --> 00:16:23,100
Colors?
398
00:16:23,125 --> 00:16:27,121
Well, Lark wanted unicorns,
superheroes, and buses.
399
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:29,730
You know, I just, I just...
400
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,522
want her to have the best birthday ever
401
00:16:31,547 --> 00:16:35,064
before I have this
baby and ruin her life.
402
00:16:35,089 --> 00:16:39,728
No, honey. A baby is the best
gift you could ever give her.
403
00:16:39,753 --> 00:16:42,454
When I was a baby, Matt
put me in the trash.
404
00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:45,363
Oh, we got you out
before the raccoons came.
405
00:16:47,623 --> 00:16:50,093
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
406
00:16:50,126 --> 00:16:52,941
(LAUGHTER)
407
00:16:52,966 --> 00:16:55,696
So, Maxine licked,
uh, Madison's Ring Pop,
408
00:16:55,721 --> 00:16:57,627
and I told her I'd get her
a new one, but I'm just gonna
409
00:16:57,651 --> 00:16:59,676
hang here for a second and
then just give her the same one.
410
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:00,918
You cool with that?
411
00:17:01,675 --> 00:17:03,239
(STRAINED): Yup.
412
00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:04,711
What are you doing?
413
00:17:04,736 --> 00:17:07,893
Just, uh, chilling.
414
00:17:08,049 --> 00:17:10,079
Uh, you sure about that?
415
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,738
Yup. Mm-hmm. Just a little...
416
00:17:12,763 --> 00:17:16,425
(STRAINS): gas every, uh,
seven to eight minutes.
417
00:17:16,450 --> 00:17:18,364
Oh, my God, you're having contractions?
418
00:17:18,389 --> 00:17:21,738
What? I am having this
birthday for Lark. Okay?
419
00:17:21,763 --> 00:17:22,925
And it's gonna be perfect.
420
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:25,928
Because it is her last birthday
where she has us all to herself.
421
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,296
So... (EXHALES)
422
00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:29,619
I can get through this.
423
00:17:29,644 --> 00:17:32,001
I am not having this baby today.
424
00:17:33,462 --> 00:17:35,004
Jen?
425
00:17:35,303 --> 00:17:37,601
I'm having this baby today.
426
00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:39,476
(CRYING): Is the party over yet?
427
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,120
We were talking in the
kitchen five minutes ago.
428
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,746
Oh, my God, time is moving backwards.
429
00:17:43,779 --> 00:17:45,690
Okay, that's it. We're taking
you to the hospital. Come on.
430
00:17:45,714 --> 00:17:47,662
- What? No! No.
- Whoa.
431
00:17:47,687 --> 00:17:50,653
If I have this baby today,
then I will ruin her birthday.
432
00:17:50,686 --> 00:17:52,403
Well, whose birthday
are you talking about?
433
00:17:52,428 --> 00:17:54,513
Because technically, they're
both gonna have the same birthday.
434
00:17:54,537 --> 00:17:55,891
Oh, no.
435
00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:58,317
They're gonna have the same birthday?
436
00:17:58,342 --> 00:18:01,192
God, why did I let you have
sex with me nine months ago?
437
00:18:01,217 --> 00:18:04,727
Well, actually, you kn...
I was the one that let you.
438
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:07,770
My barber parted my hair on the
wrong side, and it was game on.
439
00:18:07,803 --> 00:18:08,904
Stranger sex.
440
00:18:08,937 --> 00:18:11,130
Really do not like that
that is your weakness,
441
00:18:11,155 --> 00:18:14,880
but you are a great mom,
okay, to two kids now.
442
00:18:14,905 --> 00:18:17,591
You know, so we got to balance
both of their needs. Okay?
443
00:18:17,616 --> 00:18:19,489
Lark having a great birthday,
444
00:18:19,514 --> 00:18:22,077
Tim delivering the
baby on the front lawn.
445
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,123
Yeah, you're right, we'll go.
446
00:18:25,575 --> 00:18:27,106
After the party.
447
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,901
Well, then, we got to
make this party go quick.
448
00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:32,232
- (CHILDREN CHEERING)
- GREG: Here... you want to know what?
449
00:18:32,256 --> 00:18:33,762
Lark, here. Let me help you, Lark.
450
00:18:33,787 --> 00:18:35,798
You just got to put
your back into it. Okay?
451
00:18:35,822 --> 00:18:37,768
(PEOPLE GASPING)
452
00:18:37,793 --> 00:18:38,793
Okay.
453
00:18:39,254 --> 00:18:41,590
Okay, here we go. (GRUNTS)
454
00:18:41,879 --> 00:18:44,213
Yay, Lark. You did it.
455
00:18:44,238 --> 00:18:46,008
- There we go.
- Uh, you want to know what?
456
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:49,991
- Let's do gifts. Huh?
- Yeah. Gifts. Yup, yup, yup, yup.
457
00:18:50,016 --> 00:18:52,181
Honey? Matt and Colleen aren't here yet.
458
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:53,157
Yeah, that doesn't matter.
459
00:18:53,182 --> 00:18:54,439
Yeah, 'cause you know
what they're gonna do.
460
00:18:54,463 --> 00:18:56,509
They're gonna show up late,
and then they're gonna pretend
461
00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:57,596
that they left their gifts at home,
462
00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:59,789
but you're never gonna see
it, so let's just open these.
463
00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:02,116
- Okay?
- Okay.
464
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,893
Save the paper, save the paper.
465
00:19:04,927 --> 00:19:06,762
- Oh, my God.
- I taught her that.
466
00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:08,438
Okay. Greg, we got to keep moving.
467
00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:10,670
Yeah, ye... I like to just
rip these puppies open.
468
00:19:10,695 --> 00:19:13,722
And that way, we can make it snow. Whee!
469
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:14,825
HEATHER: Greg, do you want me
470
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:17,154
to make a list of the
gifts for thank-yous?
471
00:19:17,179 --> 00:19:20,465
No, no, we'll do it
now. Uh, thank you all.
472
00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:22,853
Yeah, yeah, o-ours was a savings bond.
473
00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:24,280
So, you just destroyed it.
474
00:19:24,313 --> 00:19:25,614
You know what? It's cake time.
475
00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:26,715
- Cake!
- We're doing cake.
476
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:27,893
Let's do cake.
477
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,837
Can't have the cake before the pizza.
478
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,384
If all the children go
home and tell their parents
479
00:19:33,409 --> 00:19:35,227
that you served the
cake before the pizza...
480
00:19:35,252 --> 00:19:38,294
Yeah, well, life is
short, eat dessert first.
481
00:19:38,327 --> 00:19:41,573
- JEN: Hey-o.
- Man, this party's wild.
482
00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:45,243
- ♪ Happy birthday ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
483
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,248
♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear Lark ♪
484
00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:48,182
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
485
00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:49,956
- Blow the candles out, wow.
- (FAKE SNEEZE)
486
00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:52,540
- (CHEERING)
- Don't tell anybody your wish, kid!
487
00:19:52,565 --> 00:19:53,676
Okay, you good?
488
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:55,244
- Yeah. We did it. Let's go.
- Okay.
489
00:19:55,268 --> 00:19:56,455
- Okay...
- (LIQUID SPATTERING)
490
00:19:56,479 --> 00:19:57,646
HEATHER: Oh, my God.
491
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,526
Jen, your water broke.
492
00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:03,344
Uh, that wasn't in any
book you ever gave me.
493
00:20:08,023 --> 00:20:09,382
Come here, Lark.
494
00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:13,834
Mommy has to go to the hospital
now because your little sister
495
00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:15,419
is ready to come out.
496
00:20:15,444 --> 00:20:16,864
Are you excited to meet her?
497
00:20:16,889 --> 00:20:17,766
Yeah.
498
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,982
Yeah. Yeah, she's
excited to meet you, too.
499
00:20:21,007 --> 00:20:23,482
And, um, I promise
that she's gonna get you
500
00:20:23,507 --> 00:20:25,955
a-a great present, okay?
501
00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:29,417
Okay. Tell her I want a brother.
502
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,552
Okay, well, they might
be all out of those,
503
00:20:32,577 --> 00:20:34,417
but I'll let her know.
504
00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:35,618
Give me a hug.
505
00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:36,848
Come here.
506
00:20:36,873 --> 00:20:38,598
- We love you, kiddo.
- We love you.
507
00:20:38,623 --> 00:20:39,934
Go. We've got her.
508
00:20:39,959 --> 00:20:41,375
Go over to Mom-Mom.
509
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,792
- I love you. Go.
- HEATHER: Good luck, you guys.
510
00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:45,844
- We love you.
- We love you so much.
511
00:20:46,531 --> 00:20:47,830
TIM: Drive safely, please.
512
00:20:47,863 --> 00:20:50,698
Hi. Oh shoot, we forgot
Lark's present at home.
513
00:20:50,723 --> 00:20:51,924
GREG: Of course you did.
514
00:20:53,690 --> 00:20:58,690
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
37086
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