All language subtitles for Key And Peele s04e06 Scariest Movie Ever.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:04,253 (smooth jazz music) 2 00:00:04,288 --> 00:00:08,207 3 00:00:08,292 --> 00:00:09,425 (in Jamaican accents) Sue! 4 00:00:09,460 --> 00:00:12,127 Oh, my goodness. 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,129 Oh, my goodness. 6 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,048 How are you doing, girl? 7 00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:19,185 Oh, you know, I was on my way home and was in the area. 8 00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:21,187 I just wanted to come say "Hello." 9 00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:22,471 That's it. That is all. 10 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,290 Have a nice night. 11 00:00:23,334 --> 00:00:24,857 Sue, where you going, girl? 12 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:27,142 You can't leave without coming inside. 13 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:31,363 Oh, no, I wouldn't want to be an intrusion. 14 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:33,566 I just wanted to say "Hello." 15 00:00:33,651 --> 00:00:34,817 - Good-bye. - Okay, now, Sue. 16 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,368 There is a seat in this house 17 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,987 with your name on it, girl. 18 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,655 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 19 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,823 I can't. 20 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,458 I didn't have money for the bus. 21 00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:45,044 I'm a mess from the 50-mile walk. 22 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:49,081 Now, why must you be so difficult, girl? 23 00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:50,299 You're right. 24 00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,751 I am being difficult, aren't I? 25 00:00:52,837 --> 00:00:54,753 Your life is better without me coming in, 26 00:00:54,839 --> 00:00:56,338 trust me, so there I go. 27 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,675 Okay, girl, listen, everything is irie, man. 28 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,060 We're good friends, all right? 29 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,428 Yes, of course. 30 00:01:02,513 --> 00:01:03,929 And you know you can smell it, girl. 31 00:01:04,015 --> 00:01:05,848 - You know you smell it, girl. - What's that smell? 32 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,233 You know you're smelling the fried dumplings, 33 00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:08,484 the ackee, and the saltfish, girl. 34 00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:10,319 - Oh. - Now, what's come over you? 35 00:01:10,354 --> 00:01:12,154 I should have called. I should have called. 36 00:01:12,189 --> 00:01:13,689 That's it, Sue! 37 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:17,026 I'm formally inviting you into my home. 38 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,546 Now come inside. 39 00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:20,446 (hisses) 40 00:01:20,531 --> 00:01:23,532 (dramatic music) 41 00:01:23,618 --> 00:01:24,533 (smooth jazz music) 42 00:01:24,619 --> 00:01:26,702 (slurping, flesh ripping) 43 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,755 (haunting Western music) 44 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,749 45 00:01:47,915 --> 00:01:51,228 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 46 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,395 I love seeing horror movies 47 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,614 in black neighborhoods the best. 48 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,316 - That's the best. - Obviously, everybody. 49 00:01:57,401 --> 00:02:00,035 But it's really because it's a more interactive experience. 50 00:02:00,071 --> 00:02:01,203 Right, right. 51 00:02:01,238 --> 00:02:03,072 And you get to laugh at 52 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,540 the motherfuckers in the movie... 53 00:02:04,575 --> 00:02:05,708 Right, right, right, it's good because... 54 00:02:05,743 --> 00:02:07,042 doing stupid shit. 55 00:02:07,078 --> 00:02:08,911 They be alleviating some tension for you. 56 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:11,580 "Fuck the kid. He a demon," you know? 57 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:12,965 "Leave the kid." 58 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,466 That's the best when they just, 59 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,502 like, brutally practical. 60 00:02:16,587 --> 00:02:17,753 - "Leave that kid." - yeah. 61 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,555 "Stab that baby." 62 00:02:23,427 --> 00:02:24,893 - Stupid. - That's a waste of money, dog. 63 00:02:24,929 --> 00:02:25,844 Stupid. 64 00:02:25,930 --> 00:02:27,483 See, I don't even understand 65 00:02:27,608 --> 00:02:29,280 how that's even in the horror genre, dog. 66 00:02:29,305 --> 00:02:30,065 Right? 67 00:02:30,101 --> 00:02:31,900 I mean, that's the least scared I ever been, man. 68 00:02:31,936 --> 00:02:33,068 It's like a romantic comedy. 69 00:02:33,104 --> 00:02:34,403 It's like a lullaby, dog. 70 00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:36,188 - Yeah, for reals though. - Pssh. 71 00:02:36,273 --> 00:02:37,856 Oh, oh, where you parked at? 72 00:02:37,942 --> 00:02:38,991 Oh, what now? 73 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,075 Where you parked at, dog? 74 00:02:40,111 --> 00:02:41,276 Yeah, I'm over that way, boy. 75 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,494 Oh, you all the way down there? 76 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,029 - Yeah. - Well, I'm this way, dog. 77 00:02:44,115 --> 00:02:45,688 Oh, all right. All right, dog. 78 00:02:45,752 --> 00:02:46,669 All right. All right. 79 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,670 (eerie music) 80 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:53,005 81 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,373 - You know what? - What's that, dog? 82 00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:55,758 I'll walk you to your car, dog. 83 00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:57,042 - Word, word, word, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 84 00:02:57,128 --> 00:02:59,444 Then I'll drive you back to your car, dog. 85 00:03:00,464 --> 00:03:02,598 - Dumbass movie, man. - Nah. 86 00:03:02,633 --> 00:03:05,184 A demon can possess any inanimate object? 87 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:08,354 That's too general to be scary. 88 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:10,639 Yo, man, it's like, how you gonna have a demon 89 00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,441 posting up in a trash can? 90 00:03:12,476 --> 00:03:13,692 I mean, you know, it's dumb. 91 00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:15,277 - It don't make no sense. - It's stupid. 92 00:03:15,312 --> 00:03:17,229 - It don't make no sense. - You know what I'm saying? 93 00:03:17,314 --> 00:03:18,313 It's stupid. It's stupid. 94 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,865 It's unrealistic is what it is. 95 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,117 It's like, I ain't gonna be scared of no trash can. 96 00:03:22,153 --> 00:03:24,286 (eerie musical flourish) 97 00:03:24,321 --> 00:03:27,156 And what was that other thing they had with the, 98 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,323 uh, the demon puddle? 99 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,658 Oh, yeah, yeah. 100 00:03:29,744 --> 00:03:31,326 That was the most stupid part right there. 101 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:34,546 A demon could pull you into hell if you step in a puddle. 102 00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:35,547 Like, we some morons? 103 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:36,582 I mean, how you gonna scare 104 00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,500 a couple adults with a puddle? 105 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,775 - Stupid. - Stupid. 106 00:03:40,504 --> 00:03:41,804 - Stupid. - Stupid. 107 00:03:41,839 --> 00:03:44,089 And the demon got them hellhounds roaming around 108 00:03:44,175 --> 00:03:46,175 everywhere, bringing humans to the demon alive 109 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,176 to be sacrificed. 110 00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:48,177 Come on, man. 111 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,178 (dog barking) 112 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,596 That's just stupid! 113 00:03:50,681 --> 00:03:52,398 - Stupid. - Yeah. 114 00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:54,433 You know, it's like-- it's lazy storytelling... 115 00:03:54,518 --> 00:03:56,185 - Yes, yes. - Is what it is. 116 00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:59,488 It's a lot of things, but scary is not one of them. 117 00:03:59,523 --> 00:04:00,522 (eerie musical flourish) 118 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,774 And what was with all them 119 00:04:01,859 --> 00:04:03,409 creepy kids and the whispering and whatnot? 120 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:04,693 - Oh, please. - I mean, come on, dog. 121 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,195 - Please, dude. - What are we talking about? 122 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,530 You just identified, like, the stupidest part of the movie. 123 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,165 (both laugh) 124 00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:11,750 Them kids-- Them kids was talking about, 125 00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:13,118 (breathily) "I will steal your soul. 126 00:04:13,204 --> 00:04:14,870 I will suck your essence." (mumbling spookily) 127 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,288 Okay, yeah, that's stupid right there. 128 00:04:16,373 --> 00:04:18,207 You can stop right now, man, if you just wanted to-- 129 00:04:18,259 --> 00:04:19,425 - Please stop! - Yeah. 130 00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:20,876 - 'cause it's stupid. - It was stupid. 131 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,428 - It was stupid as hell. - It was stupid. 132 00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,046 - It was just stupid. What? - This your car? 133 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,214 - This me, dog. - Yeah. 134 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:29,134 (both sniffing) 135 00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:31,220 Yeah, I hope there's not one of them demons 136 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,187 possessing your car. 137 00:04:32,223 --> 00:04:35,107 (both laughing) 138 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,560 I'm just stepping right now, for real. 139 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,062 That's stupid. You being real stupid. 140 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:41,063 I'm being stupid. 141 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,147 That was the stupidest part 142 00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:43,449 of the movie right there, dog. 143 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:44,700 I'm the one being stupid up in here. 144 00:04:44,735 --> 00:04:46,068 - That was pretty stupid. - (laughing) 145 00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,237 That was the stupidest part right there, man. 146 00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:51,073 That part was--that movie was stupid as hell, man. 147 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,990 (laughing) Stupid. 148 00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:56,208 Stupid. 149 00:04:56,349 --> 00:04:57,913 That was the not-scariest part 150 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:58,997 of the movie. 151 00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:00,215 Oh, my God. It was stupid. 152 00:05:00,251 --> 00:05:01,717 Like a demon could possess-- 153 00:05:01,752 --> 00:05:03,418 - I mean, it's so stupid. - That was so stupid. 154 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,920 It was pretty stupid, though, dog. 155 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,588 Oh, my God, that was stupid. 156 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,308 It was pretty stupid. 157 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:10,309 You know what, man? 158 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:11,760 I'm-- Shit, I'm sorry, dog, 159 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,562 that you had to watch that dumbass not-scary movie. 160 00:05:13,597 --> 00:05:14,730 You know what I mean? 161 00:05:14,765 --> 00:05:15,731 Man, you know, that's how it go. 162 00:05:15,766 --> 00:05:16,732 That's how it go. 163 00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:18,667 (eerie musical flourish) 164 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:21,737 (tense music) 165 00:05:21,806 --> 00:05:25,247 166 00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:30,195 Give yourself up, Carlo. 167 00:05:30,281 --> 00:05:31,780 (echoing spookily) Why would I do that, 168 00:05:31,866 --> 00:05:35,284 detective, when I have the upper hand? 169 00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:38,170 (laughing evilly) 170 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,798 Give yourself up, Carlo. 171 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,466 I'm right here, detective. 172 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,469 (laughing evilly) 173 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,104 Damn it. (gasps) 174 00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:59,441 Or am I over here, detective? 175 00:05:59,476 --> 00:06:00,475 (yells) 176 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:08,317 177 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:11,486 Or here? 178 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,822 (laughing evilly) 179 00:06:13,908 --> 00:06:14,873 (panting) 180 00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:17,125 Oh, you sick son of a bitch, 181 00:06:17,161 --> 00:06:18,710 where the hell are you? 182 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,046 Huh? 183 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:24,666 (gasps) 184 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,468 Huh? 185 00:06:26,503 --> 00:06:28,420 You son of a bitch, come out! 186 00:06:28,505 --> 00:06:31,006 Does my ass look big in this jumpsuit? 187 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,507 (laughing evilly) 188 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,508 Damn it. 189 00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:36,562 (music intensifying) 190 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,730 191 00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:40,766 Enough of the games, Carlo. 192 00:06:44,355 --> 00:06:47,356 The games are just beginning, detective. 193 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:50,275 (laughing evilly) 194 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,666 Mirror, mirror, on the wall... 195 00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:59,918 (chuckles) 196 00:07:00,004 --> 00:07:01,370 Who's the fairest-- 197 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,789 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 198 00:07:03,874 --> 00:07:06,375 Don't move. 199 00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:10,743 You are under arrest for the murder of Mary Deely, 200 00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,765 Meg Foster, 201 00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:17,013 and one detective Mason Jimenez. 202 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,806 Now, where's the girl? 203 00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:22,894 Oh, detective, 204 00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:25,227 you assume it's the real me 205 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,362 standing in front of you, 206 00:07:27,398 --> 00:07:29,531 but maybe that's just what 207 00:07:29,566 --> 00:07:32,651 I want you to thin-k. 208 00:07:32,736 --> 00:07:33,652 When in reality, 209 00:07:33,737 --> 00:07:36,071 the re-al me 210 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:39,408 is safe in a hiding spah-ah-- ah-ah. 211 00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,774 Okay, that's the real you, all right. 212 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,380 Or maybe I'm over here. 213 00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:46,999 No, no, you're not over there. 214 00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:48,917 Carlo, I'm only gonna ask you one more time. 215 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,052 Where is the girl? 216 00:07:50,087 --> 00:07:52,054 Go ahead and shoot, detective. 217 00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:53,588 (chuckles) 218 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,058 I mean, what do I care if you get seven years bad luck-- 219 00:07:56,093 --> 00:07:57,643 (gun cocks) 220 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,394 You know, it's not safe to keep a gun cocked like that, 221 00:07:59,430 --> 00:08:02,014 even if you are just pointing it at a mirror. 222 00:08:02,099 --> 00:08:06,151 Turn around and put your hands on your head. 223 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,320 Now, for that, you really are going to have 224 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,488 to find the real me. 225 00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,689 Oh, my God, are you kidding me? 226 00:08:10,774 --> 00:08:13,442 (gunshot) (groaning) 227 00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:14,443 Pshht! 228 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,661 What? 229 00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,279 Why would you shoot a mirror? 230 00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:18,280 Carlo, it's you. 231 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,449 I'm holding your lapel. 232 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,534 Now, you're done. It's over. 233 00:08:22,619 --> 00:08:25,003 You're gonna cut your hand on that broken mirror. 234 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,755 (gun cocks) Where is she? 235 00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:28,590 Just say it, dude. 236 00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:30,042 Say what? 237 00:08:30,127 --> 00:08:31,543 Say you don't know whether or not 238 00:08:31,628 --> 00:08:34,262 this is the real me or just a reflection in a mirror. 239 00:08:34,298 --> 00:08:35,931 Really? 240 00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:38,600 I'll tell you where she is. 241 00:08:38,635 --> 00:08:41,303 Okay, I don't know whether the you 242 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,188 I'm holding onto is really you... 243 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,389 Or the reflection in a mirror. 244 00:08:44,475 --> 00:08:46,024 Or a reflection in the mirror. 245 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,060 Mm, all there was to it. 246 00:08:48,145 --> 00:08:50,228 She's under the floorboards by the entrance. 247 00:08:50,314 --> 00:08:53,398 Oh. (groaning) 248 00:08:53,484 --> 00:08:55,484 I win, detective. 249 00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:56,818 (laughing bleakly) 250 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,321 I told you, but-- I mean, the mirror told you, 251 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,206 but, well, you know. 252 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,657 Oh, fuck. 253 00:09:07,145 --> 00:09:09,312 Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? 254 00:09:09,364 --> 00:09:10,279 Me? 255 00:09:10,315 --> 00:09:11,280 Oh, dude, straight up, 256 00:09:11,316 --> 00:09:12,648 let me get that vamp situation. 257 00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,900 You know why? 258 00:09:13,985 --> 00:09:16,786 It looks like it hurts to become a werewolf. 259 00:09:16,821 --> 00:09:17,820 True. 260 00:09:17,872 --> 00:09:19,967 That looks like it hurts, so a part of me goes, like, 261 00:09:19,991 --> 00:09:21,657 "I'd rather be hungry-- 262 00:09:21,709 --> 00:09:24,660 "I'd rather be intensely hungry 263 00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:27,163 than have my bones crack and then reset in the morning." 264 00:09:27,248 --> 00:09:28,497 Yeah, you don't want that. 265 00:09:28,549 --> 00:09:29,832 I don't-- I'm a wuss. 266 00:09:29,918 --> 00:09:31,467 - I don't need any of that. - Here's the thing. 267 00:09:31,502 --> 00:09:33,532 Vampires be living forever. 268 00:09:34,339 --> 00:09:36,138 I mean, you can't die as a vampire. 269 00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:38,174 But you could if you got a stake through the heart. 270 00:09:38,205 --> 00:09:39,342 - Truth. Truth. - So you could just say that. 271 00:09:39,394 --> 00:09:40,393 You could, "You know what? 272 00:09:40,478 --> 00:09:41,644 "I've been up in this bitch 273 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:43,429 "800 years, ready to die." 274 00:09:43,514 --> 00:09:44,981 It's vampire suicide. 275 00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:46,732 But if I provoked a vampire hunter, 276 00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:48,267 and he just went s-slicing through my-- 277 00:09:48,353 --> 00:09:49,518 - Mm-hmm. - Good. 278 00:09:49,604 --> 00:09:51,354 Or I'd say to a person, "Listen, I'm a vampire. 279 00:09:51,439 --> 00:09:53,022 "I need you to come to this address tomorrow. 280 00:09:53,107 --> 00:09:54,273 "I'm gonna be in my coffin. 281 00:09:54,359 --> 00:09:55,274 "I'll leave it unlocked." 282 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,660 And just get Kevorkian on it. 283 00:09:57,695 --> 00:09:59,078 Just go Kevorks. Wouldn't that be the best? 284 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:03,532 Dude, that would be the best job for Dr. Kevorkian. 285 00:10:03,618 --> 00:10:05,451 Just be a vampire hunter. 286 00:10:07,205 --> 00:10:08,955 All right, so that's just working easily then. 287 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,456 Go for it, man. 288 00:10:10,541 --> 00:10:11,624 Okay, good. Good, good, good. 289 00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:13,142 Oh, that's nuts, man. 290 00:10:13,211 --> 00:10:14,593 Okay, we got to hurry up. Bring on the weed. 291 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:16,012 - Okay, just got to-- - Break it out there. 292 00:10:17,932 --> 00:10:19,382 - Hey. - Oh! 293 00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:20,768 Sorry. Sorry. 294 00:10:21,602 --> 00:10:25,054 You all want to do some of that God drug? 295 00:10:25,106 --> 00:10:28,107 (violin screeching eerily) 296 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:31,027 297 00:10:31,062 --> 00:10:32,028 No. 298 00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:33,062 What the fuck? 299 00:10:33,114 --> 00:10:34,230 Who's this guy? 300 00:10:34,315 --> 00:10:36,866 You all ever heard of the God drug? 301 00:10:36,901 --> 00:10:39,735 I've-- I've never heard of that. 302 00:10:39,821 --> 00:10:43,372 AKA slayer, cutty-cutty, 303 00:10:43,775 --> 00:10:46,186 double cutty, Elmo, 304 00:10:47,249 --> 00:10:48,833 cat vag. 305 00:10:48,963 --> 00:10:49,912 Okay. 306 00:10:49,998 --> 00:10:52,581 Long Island brain slice, 307 00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:54,300 Funt. 308 00:10:54,385 --> 00:10:55,584 - Funt? - Funt. 309 00:10:55,636 --> 00:10:57,253 Funt, I've heard of that. 310 00:10:57,338 --> 00:11:01,590 It takes all your greatest fears and insecurities, 311 00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:05,261 and it gives them teeth and arms, 312 00:11:05,313 --> 00:11:07,847 and then it locks you in a room with them 313 00:11:07,932 --> 00:11:10,850 from which you cannot escape. 314 00:11:13,771 --> 00:11:15,404 Oh, that sounds terrible. 315 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,740 - Yeah, I don't want that, man. - None of those words are good. 316 00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,943 You realize the face of God 317 00:11:20,995 --> 00:11:24,363 is somewhere inside your body, 318 00:11:24,449 --> 00:11:29,368 but you can't find it, and it hates you. 319 00:11:29,454 --> 00:11:32,088 Um, okay, none of us are interested in this drug. 320 00:11:32,123 --> 00:11:33,456 Thank you, sir. Nice meeting you. 321 00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:35,674 Let's hear him out. Let's hear him out. 322 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:40,296 It's a razor sharp crystal you tuck under your eyelid. 323 00:11:40,381 --> 00:11:41,931 - Ooh. - Ugh. 324 00:11:41,966 --> 00:11:45,801 And then when your ocular cavity starts bleeding, 325 00:11:45,887 --> 00:11:48,521 It goes directly into your brain. 326 00:11:48,606 --> 00:11:50,556 I feel like there's got to be a good part. 327 00:11:50,641 --> 00:11:52,753 Yeah, you've just described 328 00:11:52,877 --> 00:11:56,712 a life-wrecking physical addiction. 329 00:11:56,314 --> 00:11:58,230 If you'd let him finish-- If you'd let him finish, 330 00:11:58,316 --> 00:12:00,699 he's gonna get to the euphoria, I'm sure. 331 00:12:00,785 --> 00:12:04,203 Just when you can't take any more, 332 00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,237 (inhales sharply) 333 00:12:05,323 --> 00:12:06,989 you poop your mouth. 334 00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:08,541 - I'm sorry, what? - You poop in your mouth? 335 00:12:08,626 --> 00:12:10,459 No, 336 00:12:10,495 --> 00:12:12,128 you poop out of your mouth. 337 00:12:12,163 --> 00:12:14,380 I'm in. 338 00:12:14,465 --> 00:12:16,082 Guys, if people will really go through this, 339 00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:17,404 the high must be amazing. 340 00:12:17,464 --> 00:12:19,135 Buddy, remember when you did mushrooms 341 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,386 and you cried for three hours? 342 00:12:20,471 --> 00:12:21,504 - This is worse than that. - Yeah. 343 00:12:21,589 --> 00:12:23,339 - Oh, the eyes. 344 00:12:23,391 --> 00:12:25,341 Oh, oh! 345 00:12:25,393 --> 00:12:26,509 (yelling) 346 00:12:26,561 --> 00:12:29,178 Oh, God! 347 00:12:29,263 --> 00:12:30,346 (both groaning) It hurts! 348 00:12:30,398 --> 00:12:32,898 - Oh, Jeb. - Oh, that hurts! 349 00:12:32,984 --> 00:12:35,017 When does it start working? 350 00:12:35,069 --> 00:12:36,735 How should I know? 351 00:12:36,821 --> 00:12:38,737 I don't do drugs. 352 00:12:39,991 --> 00:12:41,524 Drugs are for losers. 353 00:13:04,715 --> 00:13:05,995 This is him. 354 00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:08,602 Yeah, this is him. 355 00:13:08,801 --> 00:13:10,553 Well, I'm very sorry, sir. 356 00:13:10,638 --> 00:13:12,054 Hold on a second. 357 00:13:13,441 --> 00:13:14,679 Wait. 358 00:13:16,194 --> 00:13:17,643 Is this him? 359 00:13:17,728 --> 00:13:19,925 Oh, take your time, sir. There's no rush. 360 00:13:20,815 --> 00:13:22,982 Yes, yes, yes, it's definitely him. 361 00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:25,117 Okay, so if you make your way-- 362 00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:26,361 Wait. 363 00:13:27,238 --> 00:13:29,514 It seems like him. 364 00:13:31,409 --> 00:13:34,816 Yes, yes, it very much could be him. 365 00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:39,381 (clears throat) So this-- this is him? 366 00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:42,540 Although... Hmm. 367 00:13:44,305 --> 00:13:45,554 Let me just-- 368 00:13:51,419 --> 00:13:52,284 Okay, I'm sorry. 369 00:13:52,329 --> 00:13:53,628 Sir, I know that you're blind, 370 00:13:53,659 --> 00:13:54,947 but you're gonna have to make a decision. 371 00:13:54,992 --> 00:13:56,168 Oh, I'm not blind. 372 00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:58,851 Oh, thank God. (chuckles) 373 00:13:58,936 --> 00:14:00,361 I'm not a mortician. 374 00:14:01,105 --> 00:14:02,271 And I'm not dead, 375 00:14:02,964 --> 00:14:04,566 but please don't stop on my account. 376 00:14:16,114 --> 00:14:18,120 Shh. 377 00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:19,607 It's definitely not him. 378 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,209 Honestly, Make-A-Wish, 379 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,712 kind of a brilliant charity idea, 380 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,813 because really, I mean, it just looks real good. 381 00:14:32,221 --> 00:14:33,687 It looks real good. 382 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,023 They get donations out their ass, Make-A-Wish. 383 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,525 My thing is, I wonder if the Make-A-Wish people, like-- 384 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,560 it's like, "oh, I'm gonna go parasailing with you." 385 00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:41,061 - Right. - That's my only thing. 386 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,147 I'm like, "Wait a minute, do you get to go with the kid?" 387 00:14:43,232 --> 00:14:45,149 "I thought you just organized the wishes, but--" 388 00:14:45,201 --> 00:14:46,700 "And then you went back to your office. 389 00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,152 "Why are you up in there parasailing?" 390 00:14:48,237 --> 00:14:49,703 "Why are you going first? What the hell? 391 00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:50,905 "I'm the kid." 392 00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,701 "Are you sure that this kid's wish 393 00:14:52,795 --> 00:14:56,660 was to go to the bikini contest at carnival in Brazil?" 394 00:14:56,712 --> 00:14:58,546 - They could be making that up. - Who knows, right? 395 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,381 I'm not gonna just start giving all my money 396 00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:04,468 to people I don't know, right? 397 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,586 - I mean, that doesn't-- - Right. 398 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:08,005 Well, that's-- 399 00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:09,507 That's charity. 400 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,144 (monitor beeping steadily) 401 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:16,380 (thunder booming) 402 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:20,184 Hi, you must be Liam. 403 00:15:20,236 --> 00:15:22,501 Hey, buddy, how are you feeling today? 404 00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,930 (hoarsely) I'm feeling fine, Dr. Gupta. 405 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,527 Just fine. 406 00:15:29,579 --> 00:15:31,028 This is Marion Glass, 407 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,030 and she's from the Make-A-Wish foundation. 408 00:15:33,115 --> 00:15:36,033 Marion Glass. 409 00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:38,419 How are you feeling today, Liam? 410 00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:42,339 - I'm fine, Marion Glass. - Good. 411 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,124 Well, I have some news that might make you feel 412 00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,093 a little better, huh? 413 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:49,263 We at the Make-A-Wish Foundation make dreams come true 414 00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:54,134 for little boys and little girls who are very sick just like you. 415 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:59,023 There are no children like me, Marion Glass. 416 00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,225 Oh, of course not. 417 00:16:01,310 --> 00:16:03,894 You're one of a kind, but we're gonna make any dream 418 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,397 come true that you could ever have, okay? 419 00:16:06,482 --> 00:16:07,982 Anything? 420 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,568 That's right, buddy. That's right. 421 00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:13,287 Would you like to play with your favorite basketball team? 422 00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:18,513 What about be Superman for a day? 423 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:22,246 I wish to drown a man. 424 00:16:22,331 --> 00:16:25,332 (eerie music) 425 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,250 426 00:16:26,335 --> 00:16:27,251 What? 427 00:16:27,336 --> 00:16:31,555 To drown a man in the bathtub. 428 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,808 To hold him down while the last breath 429 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:39,063 escapes his body, and then bathe in that water, 430 00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:40,764 all the while singing, 431 00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:44,818 La-la, la-la 432 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:47,071 La-la, la 433 00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:49,356 Liam. 434 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,443 You said anything. 435 00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:55,613 Well, s-surely we don't want to hurt other people, 436 00:16:55,698 --> 00:16:57,164 Now, do we, kiddo? 437 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,115 (both laugh uneasily) 438 00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,750 Anything else? 439 00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:03,420 Fly in a hot air balloon or meet a celebrity? 440 00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:08,125 My new wish is to lean over the body of a dying man 441 00:17:08,177 --> 00:17:12,463 and put my lips on his, stealing his last breath. 442 00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:13,764 (inhales) 443 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:14,932 Liam. 444 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,017 No one will get hurt. 445 00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:18,302 Absolutely not. 446 00:17:18,387 --> 00:17:20,461 I don't even know where you-- 447 00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:24,350 I wish to take all the prosthetic legs 448 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:28,395 in the hospital and bind them together 449 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:31,532 with the dried flesh of the dead 450 00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:36,033 into a webbed massive creature, 451 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,006 - and-- - Liam! 452 00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,659 - I am so sorry, Ms. Glass. - It's all right. 453 00:17:41,711 --> 00:17:43,661 He-- He doesn't know what he's saying. 454 00:17:43,746 --> 00:17:45,546 I wish to pee in your mouth. 455 00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,247 - What? - Both of you. 456 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:48,415 Mine? 457 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,334 - Especially you. - Oh. 458 00:17:50,419 --> 00:17:53,189 I wish to pee in both of your mouths 459 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,472 As I stand over you. 460 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,309 I'll need a glass of water in ten minutes. 461 00:17:58,344 --> 00:17:59,393 Enough, you little shit! 462 00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:00,678 Dr. Gupta! 463 00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:02,262 No. 464 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:03,480 You are reprehensible. 465 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,516 You are evil. 466 00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,518 You are a devil child. 467 00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:09,019 (whimpering) 468 00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:11,015 Dr. Gupta, he's not a devil child. 469 00:18:11,065 --> 00:18:12,428 He's just a child. 470 00:18:12,547 --> 00:18:14,716 You have no business working in a pediatric ward. 471 00:18:14,767 --> 00:18:16,160 - What? - I'm gonna report you. 472 00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:18,696 (crying) 473 00:18:18,748 --> 00:18:19,613 (door slams) 474 00:18:22,387 --> 00:18:26,329 Shame on you, Gupta 475 00:18:26,961 --> 00:18:30,396 Shame on you, Gupta 476 00:18:31,093 --> 00:18:34,712 You really upset Marion Glass. 477 00:18:34,797 --> 00:18:39,683 This is insane. 478 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:42,761 You've made me question everything that I've ever 479 00:18:42,859 --> 00:18:46,702 believed about the essential goodness of children. 480 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,622 Wish granted. 481 00:18:52,448 --> 00:18:55,733 (flatlining) 482 00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:11,248 (gasps) (giggles) 483 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:12,750 I am dying though. 484 00:19:12,835 --> 00:19:14,168 (flatlining) 485 00:19:22,408 --> 00:19:25,242 (monitor beeping steadily) 486 00:19:26,282 --> 00:19:27,248 Hi, Quentin. 487 00:19:27,283 --> 00:19:28,999 Oh, doctor. 488 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,035 I just wanted to report that the surgery went off 489 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,420 without a hitch and that your heart transplant 490 00:19:33,456 --> 00:19:35,172 was a complete success. 491 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:39,009 Oh, I'm so happy to be alive. 492 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,054 I bet. I bet. 493 00:19:40,075 --> 00:19:42,174 Well, thankfully the Affordable Health Care act 494 00:19:42,212 --> 00:19:44,298 allowed you to be insured and put on a donor list 495 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,550 even with your preexisting conditions. 496 00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:50,271 I'm truly, truly thankful. 497 00:19:50,306 --> 00:19:52,189 This is an instance of Obamacare 498 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,891 literally saving a life. 499 00:19:53,976 --> 00:19:56,193 Obamacare? 500 00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,195 Oh, no, you don't. 501 00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:00,708 You are not putting Big Government 502 00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:02,916 into my body. 503 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,035 (yells) 504 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,821 (grunting) 505 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:08,872 Ugh. 506 00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,375 (laughing) 507 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,161 - Oh! - (groaning) 508 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,751 (laughing) 509 00:20:20,836 --> 00:20:23,671 (flatlining) 510 00:20:25,601 --> 00:20:28,342 Um, could-- could you go get me some ice? 511 00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:31,095 We should probably save this. 512 00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:38,852 But what scares you? 513 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,738 Because, I mean, I know that you're a connoisseur. 514 00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:43,190 I know that you get scared, but you're also a connoisseur. 515 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,944 Mm... 516 00:20:48,287 --> 00:20:50,270 - Poverty. - (chuckles) 517 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,367 The injustices of the real world. 518 00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:54,400 Oh, my God. 519 00:20:54,581 --> 00:20:56,650 I'm gonna do my one line here 520 00:20:56,650 --> 00:20:58,426 Oh, yeah! 521 00:20:58,462 --> 00:21:00,611 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 522 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,235 Why don't we just leave your car in the other parking lot, 523 00:21:03,288 --> 00:21:04,537 come over to my house, 524 00:21:04,783 --> 00:21:06,127 we build a pillow fort, 525 00:21:06,405 --> 00:21:08,761 you spend the night, and we watch a whole bunch 526 00:21:08,782 --> 00:21:10,222 of animated musicals and whatnot? 527 00:21:10,237 --> 00:21:11,777 Oh-oh, you've got a Happy Feet and some Juicy Juice 528 00:21:11,809 --> 00:21:13,669 - and we have a deal. - Oh, you know, you understand... 529 00:21:13,691 --> 00:21:15,766 *** 530 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:20,366 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36206

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