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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,419 - I'll tell you one thing... When the Unsullied 2 00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,822 make it to Westeros, they're gonna annihilate people. 3 00:00:04,906 --> 00:00:06,256 - Wait, wait, dude, hold up. 4 00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:07,624 - It's gonna be crazy. - First of all, slow down. 5 00:00:07,707 --> 00:00:09,293 Second of all, I'm not up to that yet. 6 00:00:09,507 --> 00:00:10,794 - Oh, I'm sorry. - No, yeah. 7 00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:12,429 - I didn't know that. - I will erase it. 8 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,264 - Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow. I'm like, "Peace." 9 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,766 You know what I'm saying? Like... 10 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,035 - Jordan, right now... right now you must listen 11 00:00:18,118 --> 00:00:20,971 to how this white dude is talking to black people. 12 00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:23,291 - Get out of my face with yo Tommy Bahama ass. 13 00:00:23,375 --> 00:00:25,609 I'm trying to make some big dough. I'm a DJ. 14 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,010 - No, no. - "I'm a DJ." 15 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,041 - I put that pussy on the chain wax, son. 16 00:00:29,125 --> 00:00:30,494 - He puts the pussy on the chain wax. 17 00:00:30,578 --> 00:00:32,072 - That's pathetic. That's pathetic. 18 00:00:32,156 --> 00:00:33,116 - What's up, girl? 19 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,685 - He's walking this way. He's totally walking this way. 20 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,953 - Oh, no, I can't. I can't. I can't. 21 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,835 - Just go with it, dude. Just go with it. 22 00:00:37,953 --> 00:00:39,456 - [Calmly] Hey! Hey! How's it going? 23 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,891 Key and Peele, right? - Good. 24 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,148 - So stoked you guys are here. Thanks for coming out. 25 00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:45,195 You guys rock. Awesome. 26 00:00:45,426 --> 00:00:48,054 Yo, Kevin, let me get some Red Vines! 27 00:00:51,063 --> 00:00:52,156 - [Clears throat] 28 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,307 - Want to get out of here? - Yep. 29 00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,310 [Soul music] 30 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:08,391 31 00:01:10,573 --> 00:01:12,292 Ripped By mstoll 32 00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,077 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 33 00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:20,472 [cheers and applause] - Whoo! 34 00:01:26,285 --> 00:01:27,470 Thank you so much. 35 00:01:27,553 --> 00:01:29,306 I am Keegan-Michael Key. 36 00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,174 - I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 37 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,809 Thank you for coming out tonight, everybody. 38 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,377 - Thank you for coming. 39 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:38,070 [Cheers and applause] 40 00:01:38,154 --> 00:01:39,711 You know what we're fed up with? 41 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,086 The news. 42 00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:44,053 - Well, yes, we talk about the news a lot. 43 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,323 The news is annoying to us. - Right. 44 00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:49,025 - The way that the news stations are getting their news now 45 00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:50,493 is just basically from the Internet. 46 00:01:50,576 --> 00:01:52,495 - Yeah, yeah, it's like they're checking their iPads 47 00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:53,727 at the desk. 48 00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:58,742 - Next we will discuss a new way to double your penis size. 49 00:01:58,826 --> 00:02:00,852 - [Laughs] - That is... 50 00:02:01,211 --> 00:02:03,506 - My mom and I used to watch the local news together. 51 00:02:03,589 --> 00:02:05,141 And if a guy came on the news and said, 52 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,076 "There was a carjacking on Six Mile Road," 53 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,379 my mom would go, "Oh, please be white, please be white." 54 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,523 - Mm-hmm. 55 00:02:10,696 --> 00:02:12,949 Then be like, "And we'll be back with more news 56 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:16,519 on the Nigerian prince who needs some money." 57 00:02:16,602 --> 00:02:18,250 [Laughter] 58 00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,563 "But first... 59 00:02:20,872 --> 00:02:24,533 a car chase ensued down on Eight Mile and, uh..." 60 00:02:24,617 --> 00:02:27,430 - Oh, let this one guy be white, please. 61 00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:30,699 - "Where... where he stole a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..." 62 00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,773 - Might be white! Might be white! 63 00:02:32,857 --> 00:02:35,343 Might be white! [Applause] 64 00:02:35,427 --> 00:02:37,780 [Exhales deeply] Might be white. 65 00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,094 - "And a pack of Now and Laters." 66 00:02:40,178 --> 00:02:42,875 - Damn it! [Laughter] 67 00:02:42,959 --> 00:02:45,045 [Dramatic music] 68 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,649 - Good evening, St. Paul. 69 00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:49,219 It's your city news at 5:00. I'm Jamie Throneburg. 70 00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:50,977 - And I'm Marcy Whitchurch. 71 00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:53,455 Winter weather advisories are in effect 72 00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:54,984 across central Minnesota tonight. 73 00:02:55,068 --> 00:02:57,459 With more on that, weatherman Isaac Labuda. 74 00:02:57,543 --> 00:02:59,117 Isaac. - Thanks, Marcy. 75 00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:01,883 A major system is zipping across the region. 76 00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:04,086 Outside temp right now, 8 degrees, 77 00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:06,367 but it feels like 20 below. Jamie. 78 00:03:06,584 --> 00:03:08,170 - Well, stay off the roads if you can, folks. 79 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,150 Lots of reports of black ice. 80 00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:12,776 - Ooh, you got to watch out for that dangerous black ice. 81 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,820 It's transparent and sneaky. Hard to see black ice. 82 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:16,953 - That's right, Marcy. 83 00:03:17,199 --> 00:03:19,081 Keep your loved ones safe and warn them 84 00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,683 to stay off the street tonight 85 00:03:20,766 --> 00:03:23,453 because of menacing, life-robbing black, black ice. 86 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,504 - Isaac. 87 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:30,260 - We have channel 17's field reporter, 88 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,313 Darren Hepner, with more. Darren? 89 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,305 - Yeah... 90 00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:39,034 I'm standing out here at historic Ramsey Hill, 91 00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:41,337 where there are currently no cars on the street 92 00:03:41,420 --> 00:03:42,516 due to, uh... 93 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,406 hazardous driving conditions. 94 00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:47,234 - Darren, are you talking about black ice? 95 00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:49,500 - That's right. 96 00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:53,772 - Ooh, jeez, it's frightening just to even say "black ice." 97 00:03:53,856 --> 00:03:56,642 - It's scary, tricky, ruthless stuff, that black ice. 98 00:03:56,919 --> 00:04:00,206 A perfectly safe neighborhood can be suddenly terrorized 99 00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:01,875 by the appearance of black ice. 100 00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:05,344 - Well, one must keep in mind that, 101 00:04:05,595 --> 00:04:08,315 just because black ice looks different than white ice, 102 00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:10,383 it doesn't make it any more dangerous. 103 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,952 Also, one must remember 104 00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:15,586 how hard it is for black ice to survive, 105 00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:17,923 what with the authorities trying to destroy it 106 00:04:18,074 --> 00:04:20,160 with the snow plows and the salt trucks, 107 00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:22,696 but black ice perseveres. 108 00:04:22,779 --> 00:04:24,367 - Uh-huh, that's right. That's right. 109 00:04:24,451 --> 00:04:27,333 And as you can see right now, the city is being controlled 110 00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:29,781 by lots of oppressive white snow, 111 00:04:29,892 --> 00:04:33,172 making it hard for all people to advance. 112 00:04:33,322 --> 00:04:36,234 And we don't hear much "news" about that, 113 00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:38,086 now, do we? - No, we do not! 114 00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:41,102 - Well, thank you very much, brother Darren. 115 00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:44,784 - But let's be honest... black ice is the real menace. 116 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:48,021 Last night I was in a perfectly safe neighborhood, 117 00:04:48,104 --> 00:04:50,856 walking away from an ATM machine, 118 00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:52,959 when black ice just snuck up on me 119 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,695 and practically robbed me of my balance. 120 00:04:55,778 --> 00:04:58,898 - Ouch. That sounds exactly like something black ice would do. 121 00:04:58,981 --> 00:05:03,436 - Well, I just hope that folks watch out so the white snow 122 00:05:03,519 --> 00:05:05,705 doesn't blind them and keep them from seeing 123 00:05:05,788 --> 00:05:07,407 what's really going on. 124 00:05:07,491 --> 00:05:08,776 - All I'm saying is I can't think 125 00:05:08,858 --> 00:05:11,211 of a single Christmas song about black ice. 126 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:14,381 Lots of cheerful, uplifting songs about snow, so... 127 00:05:14,464 --> 00:05:16,383 - [laughs] Well... 128 00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:20,387 for the record, black ice never asked to be out here. 129 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:21,955 - No, it did not! 130 00:05:22,038 --> 00:05:24,664 - It's a product of the environment. 131 00:05:24,748 --> 00:05:27,394 - Ooh, hallelujah! 132 00:05:27,477 --> 00:05:30,430 - In fact, black ice didn't land on the road. 133 00:05:30,513 --> 00:05:32,665 The road landed on black ice! 134 00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:35,148 - Whoo! Amen! 135 00:05:37,055 --> 00:05:38,304 - Okay. 136 00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:42,050 Next up, why is America being ruined by black people? 137 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,447 [Tense music] 138 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:54,187 139 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,771 - Hello. You must be Detective Hobbs. 140 00:05:57,273 --> 00:06:00,763 I am your new partner, Joshua Taye. 141 00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:06,099 Um, wha... you know... 142 00:06:06,182 --> 00:06:09,869 Uh, your last partner, Detective Jimenez, 143 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,838 I never met him, but I hear he left 144 00:06:11,921 --> 00:06:13,144 some pretty big shoes to fill. 145 00:06:13,228 --> 00:06:15,300 - Let's get one thing straight. 146 00:06:15,758 --> 00:06:19,581 You're never gonna fill Jimenez's shoes, ever. 147 00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:24,026 Jimenez was a good man, better cop. 148 00:06:24,773 --> 00:06:26,392 Fill Jimenez's shoes? 149 00:06:26,476 --> 00:06:29,388 The tip of your dick couldn't fill a bottle cap. 150 00:06:29,862 --> 00:06:32,792 - I-I'm very sorry if that came out wrong. 151 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:34,360 I'm sure Jimenez was a great cop. 152 00:06:34,443 --> 00:06:36,129 - The best! 153 00:06:36,425 --> 00:06:38,034 - Okay. 154 00:06:38,118 --> 00:06:39,261 Uh... 155 00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,968 [exhales deeply] 156 00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:43,870 So these prostitute murders... 157 00:06:43,953 --> 00:06:48,240 um... seems like a serial killer. - Could be. 158 00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,976 - I actually worked out a theory. 159 00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:53,909 - I don't give a hobo's hat about your theory. 160 00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:56,380 You think Jimenez worked off of theories, 161 00:06:56,464 --> 00:06:59,519 like some kind of a needle-dick Charles Darwin? 162 00:06:59,602 --> 00:07:02,034 Not on your ass. 163 00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:05,800 Jimenez always shot straight from the dick. 164 00:07:07,612 --> 00:07:10,196 You think you're Jimenez? - Absolutely not. 165 00:07:10,279 --> 00:07:11,489 - You're goddamn right you're not! 166 00:07:11,573 --> 00:07:12,599 - I just said I'm... 167 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,267 - Jimenez would've busted 20 perps 168 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,236 in the time it'd take you to pull up your pants 169 00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:20,097 over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee. 170 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,542 Two daughters, raising 'em on his own. 171 00:07:22,718 --> 00:07:26,606 You want that job? Huh, Mr. Babydick? 172 00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,620 - What is going on? 173 00:07:27,704 --> 00:07:29,523 - You want to be their daddy? - No! 174 00:07:29,832 --> 00:07:31,084 You know what? I think... 175 00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:32,719 I think we got off on the wrong foot. 176 00:07:32,802 --> 00:07:34,554 - Not Jimenez. - Oh... 177 00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:36,189 - Jimenez got off on the right foot 178 00:07:36,272 --> 00:07:38,739 every goddamn day of his goddamn life... 179 00:07:38,823 --> 00:07:40,393 - Uh-huh. - Which is more than I can say 180 00:07:40,476 --> 00:07:42,562 for your pebble-penis-havin' ass. 181 00:07:42,645 --> 00:07:44,531 - What? - Jimenez wannabe! 182 00:07:44,614 --> 00:07:46,799 - I can assure you I don't want to be Jimenez! 183 00:07:46,882 --> 00:07:48,442 - Why not? What's wrong with Jimenez? 184 00:07:48,526 --> 00:07:49,849 - There's nothing wrong with Jimenez. 185 00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:50,989 - Then why wouldn't you want to be like him? 186 00:07:51,073 --> 00:07:51,971 - I don't know. You said... 187 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,206 - Smurf pecker! 188 00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,347 - Okay, I'm out. I can't... 189 00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:56,808 I can't make this work. 190 00:08:04,062 --> 00:08:06,315 - Jimenez would've made it work. 191 00:08:10,418 --> 00:08:12,852 Come back from Florida soon, Jimenez. 192 00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:17,580 - Jordan, would you say that 193 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,881 there's a distinct possibility that, perhaps, 194 00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,417 Star Wars might be a little bit racist? 195 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,186 - Oh, yes. - Just a little bit. 196 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,309 There's, like, two black guys in the whole universe. 197 00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:29,091 Not only is it far, far away, 198 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,713 it's clearly a long, long time ago. 199 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:32,885 - Right. 200 00:08:32,969 --> 00:08:34,885 - So last year we had... 201 00:08:34,969 --> 00:08:38,292 we had the incomparable Billy Dee Williams on our show. 202 00:08:38,545 --> 00:08:40,531 And he's in Emplre Strlkes Back. 203 00:08:40,615 --> 00:08:42,938 And his coolness makes it look like he's in a different movie, 204 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,407 'cause my man just walks up talking about, 205 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:47,401 "Hey, Han. Chewbacca." 206 00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,831 - And they had Samuel L. Jackson. 207 00:08:51,914 --> 00:08:53,800 My man had the first purple lightsaber. 208 00:08:53,883 --> 00:08:55,834 - Yeah. [Laughter] 209 00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:59,125 - How you gonna give Mace Windu 210 00:08:59,255 --> 00:09:02,196 a grape-flavored lightsaber? 211 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,255 What? 212 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:14,020 - Lando! What? Oh, snap! 213 00:09:14,103 --> 00:09:15,722 Yo, Lando! 214 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,023 Yo, Lando Calrissian! 215 00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:18,643 - Oh, hi. Yeah, that's me. 216 00:09:18,727 --> 00:09:21,961 - Oh... dude! Lando! 217 00:09:22,044 --> 00:09:26,307 Yo! Yo, you straight up running Cloud City right now, dog! 218 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,401 That's you, man! You out there just... 219 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,902 [imitates ship engine whirring, laser blasts] 220 00:09:29,985 --> 00:09:30,727 Swoosh! 221 00:09:30,811 --> 00:09:33,138 - Well, you know, I-I do my best. 222 00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:35,875 - Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo. Big fan, big fan. 223 00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:38,811 - Well, Zeef, it's real nice to make your acquaintance. 224 00:09:38,894 --> 00:09:40,408 - Straight up, though... Straight up, man. 225 00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,482 You an inspiration to all of us, man. 226 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:45,385 You insp... you the reason I'm out here in Cloud City, dog. 227 00:09:45,468 --> 00:09:46,719 Man, I ain't joking, man. - That's nice. 228 00:09:46,802 --> 00:09:48,321 - But, yo, ideally, though... - Yeah? 229 00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:50,994 - Ideally... On an ideal situation, 230 00:09:51,078 --> 00:09:52,392 I would be doing like what you're doing. 231 00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:54,227 I'd be up there, like, in the high chambers 232 00:09:54,310 --> 00:09:55,695 of Cloud City, dog. 233 00:09:55,778 --> 00:09:56,996 - Well, Zeef, it's nice to meet you. 234 00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,531 - Yo, right on, man, 235 00:09:58,614 --> 00:09:59,999 'cause they got me in the carbonite room 236 00:10:00,082 --> 00:10:01,000 right now, son. 237 00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,321 That's bullshit, right? 238 00:10:02,405 --> 00:10:04,671 They got me working with some pig dudes and whatnot. 239 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,502 Yo, I ain't no pig, you know? 240 00:10:06,586 --> 00:10:07,774 And you ever notice, man, 241 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:10,676 there ain't a lot of brothers out here, man, in space? 242 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,679 Right? It's like they're trying to keep us down, man. 243 00:10:12,762 --> 00:10:15,581 - You know, I-I don't think that it's the policy. 244 00:10:15,664 --> 00:10:18,117 I just think it's really, really difficult 245 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,751 to get to this level. 246 00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:23,221 You've got to understand the politics of the Empire 247 00:10:23,305 --> 00:10:24,557 and, at the same time, 248 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,369 all the motivations of the Rebel Alliance. 249 00:10:26,453 --> 00:10:27,728 - All that, man, all that. - You've got... 250 00:10:27,810 --> 00:10:29,283 - All that, all that, all that, all that, all that. 251 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,930 But ideally, though, man... 252 00:10:31,013 --> 00:10:33,658 Ideally, what I'm talking about is, like, me and you... 253 00:10:33,742 --> 00:10:36,069 we should, like, do something together, though, man, 254 00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,438 'cause if you think about it, yo, when I was younger, man, 255 00:10:38,521 --> 00:10:40,540 I used to fly those landspeeders all the time. 256 00:10:40,623 --> 00:10:42,690 My friends was like, "Man, you should be piloting 257 00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,143 one of the X-wings," right? 258 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:45,812 And so that's, like, disappointing, man, 259 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,380 'cause I got here, and they just had me, like, 260 00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:49,749 cleaning up the R2 units after the X-wings come in. 261 00:10:49,832 --> 00:10:53,286 - Zeef, I got to go. You should prob... Oh, no. 262 00:10:53,369 --> 00:10:55,755 - Man, I'm saying, man, how do we contact one another? 263 00:10:55,838 --> 00:10:57,026 'Cause that's the most important thing... 264 00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,156 that we contact one another, 265 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,088 'cause, yo, look, man, ideally, though... 266 00:11:00,172 --> 00:11:01,399 ideally, though... 267 00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:04,088 I would get to fly, somehow, like, the Millennium Falcon. 268 00:11:04,172 --> 00:11:05,298 Like, that would be cool. [Device beeps] 269 00:11:05,381 --> 00:11:07,100 And, yo, let me get you my... Like, my cont... 270 00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:08,634 I got my card in here somewhere. 271 00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:10,002 [Beeping] Man, I'm just trying 272 00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,738 to find this, like, pocket right here, 273 00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,906 'cause these... Sometimes, these suits, 274 00:11:13,989 --> 00:11:16,075 they don't got no pockets. - You know what, Zeef? 275 00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:18,478 Just give your information to Lobot here, 276 00:11:18,561 --> 00:11:20,747 and we'll be in touch. 277 00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:21,914 - Lobot? 278 00:11:21,997 --> 00:11:24,083 Man, I see how it is. 279 00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:26,152 I got to talk to your mandroid right now? 280 00:11:26,235 --> 00:11:28,187 Man, fuck you, nigga! 281 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,689 Little white-ass hair! 282 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,791 Why you wearing a cape, though, huh? 283 00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:33,993 Where you going, the ice planet Hoth? 284 00:11:34,076 --> 00:11:36,567 - [Chuckles] Outrageous. 285 00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:41,300 [Dramatic music] 286 00:11:41,383 --> 00:11:42,435 287 00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:44,036 - Welcome to Metta World News. 288 00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:45,605 Our top story... 289 00:11:45,688 --> 00:11:47,690 The Pope is thinking of moving out the Vatican 290 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,342 so feral cats can live there. 291 00:11:49,547 --> 00:11:51,299 Now, let's go to "Homemaker's Corner" 292 00:11:51,383 --> 00:11:52,805 with Metta World Peace. 293 00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:55,181 [Corny voice] Thank you, Metta. 294 00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:57,683 You need five plastic grocery bags 295 00:11:57,766 --> 00:11:59,696 to make an effective parachute. 296 00:12:00,555 --> 00:12:02,355 [Normal voice] Thanks, Metta, and you will die 297 00:12:02,438 --> 00:12:03,789 if you try that. 298 00:12:03,873 --> 00:12:05,558 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 299 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:09,462 for this Wednesday, November morning star cocktail napkin. 300 00:12:09,545 --> 00:12:11,979 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 301 00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:16,695 - You guys like jazz? 302 00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,037 [Crowd cheers] 303 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,321 - All right, yeah, yeah. 304 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:20,973 We just think that jazz is really great. 305 00:12:21,056 --> 00:12:22,308 It never tries to be pop music. 306 00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:23,509 It's just like, "Hey, man, deal with it. 307 00:12:23,592 --> 00:12:24,352 "If you don't like it... 308 00:12:24,436 --> 00:12:28,014 [imitates frenetic jazz music] 309 00:12:28,097 --> 00:12:29,015 I'm a genius." 310 00:12:29,098 --> 00:12:32,164 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 311 00:12:32,401 --> 00:12:35,321 [Jazz music plays] 312 00:12:35,404 --> 00:12:43,402 313 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,798 [warbling notes] 314 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:26,879 315 00:13:43,706 --> 00:13:48,394 [applause] 316 00:13:48,477 --> 00:13:56,475 317 00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:13,185 [applause] 318 00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:16,384 319 00:14:16,468 --> 00:14:18,721 [glass shatters] 320 00:14:18,805 --> 00:14:26,396 321 00:14:26,715 --> 00:14:29,707 [cheers and applause] 322 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:39,952 323 00:14:54,576 --> 00:14:57,568 [cheers and applause] 324 00:15:01,283 --> 00:15:07,206 325 00:15:07,289 --> 00:15:10,176 [applause] 326 00:15:10,259 --> 00:15:18,257 327 00:15:45,494 --> 00:15:48,486 [mouthing words] 328 00:15:50,999 --> 00:15:52,051 [Short, strained note] 329 00:15:52,134 --> 00:15:55,126 [Cheers and applause] 330 00:15:57,506 --> 00:16:05,504 331 00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:11,904 [both playing frenetically] 332 00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:14,131 333 00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:17,309 [long, sustained note] 334 00:16:17,392 --> 00:16:25,390 335 00:16:29,538 --> 00:16:32,530 [cheers and applause] 336 00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:41,817 - We, uh... we like to give support 337 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,320 to our gay brothers and sisters. 338 00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,921 - Yes, we do. Lots of legislation... 339 00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:47,489 a lot of things going their way recently. 340 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,410 - Having their civil rights movement right now. 341 00:16:49,494 --> 00:16:51,894 - Health care coming their way, marriage coming their way. 342 00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:54,930 Now they can all get within the bond 343 00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,399 of holy matrimony, and then you, too, 344 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,301 can be as miserable as the rest of us. 345 00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,570 - That's right. - So, by all means, please. 346 00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:04,840 - It must've been hard for the gay guy who was, you know, 347 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:06,842 using the fact that he couldn't get married 348 00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,994 as his excuse to not get married. 349 00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:11,680 - The day it got legal, this guy was sweating bullets. 350 00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:12,848 - [Screams] 351 00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:13,955 - Ow, yeah. 352 00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,725 - We gettin' married! 353 00:17:17,182 --> 00:17:18,987 - Is that... Is that in every state? 354 00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:21,260 - [Humming rhythmically] - Oh, no. 355 00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,030 Oh, boy. 356 00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:26,334 [Cheers and applause] 357 00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:31,317 - Hello, Leshaun. Hello, Carousel. 358 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,486 - Ooh, Sammy, Carousel had another premonition. 359 00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:35,721 - Oh, what was it this time? - She says an ostrich 360 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,223 is going to escape from the zoo today. 361 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,158 - Nope, she heard that on the news last night, 362 00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:41,527 so that's a thing that actually happened in real life already. 363 00:17:41,610 --> 00:17:43,395 - Okay, well, better late than never. 364 00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,564 All right, well, go make daddy some chamomile. 365 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,800 Let's go. Mm. Come on, go around. 366 00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:49,902 Use the force. There you go. 367 00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:50,937 - Leshaun. 368 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,405 Leshaun, I just got this letter from my insurance company. 369 00:17:53,488 --> 00:17:56,509 It looks like we are officially on the same insurance. 370 00:17:56,592 --> 00:17:57,744 - What? - Yes. 371 00:17:57,828 --> 00:17:59,011 - [Screams] - Yes. 372 00:17:59,094 --> 00:18:00,908 - Sammy, we did it! - I can't believe this. 373 00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,736 I mean, we're finally not gonna be treated 374 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,158 like second-class citizens. - Oh, my God, I want to see. 375 00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:05,486 I want to see. I want to see. I want... 376 00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:06,986 No, don't show me. Just tell me. What are we covered? 377 00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,025 What are we covered? How are we covered? 378 00:18:08,109 --> 00:18:08,988 - It's good insurance. 379 00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:10,689 We get dental and... - Dental! 380 00:18:10,772 --> 00:18:12,691 Oh, my God, make me an appointment right now, Sammy. 381 00:18:12,774 --> 00:18:14,426 - Okay, Leshaun, you got to take it... 382 00:18:14,509 --> 00:18:17,377 - I'm gonna get a ruby filling and a fang for apples. 383 00:18:17,461 --> 00:18:19,398 - A fang? - Yes, a single, solitary fang 384 00:18:19,482 --> 00:18:20,734 for tricky fruits and bottle caps. 385 00:18:20,818 --> 00:18:22,303 - You understand that that's kind of an elective procedure, 386 00:18:22,417 --> 00:18:23,903 which means it wouldn't be... - Oh, my God. 387 00:18:23,986 --> 00:18:25,771 Well, I'm going to proceed to elect the fang 388 00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,506 the president of my mouth. - Okay. 389 00:18:27,589 --> 00:18:30,509 - And then I'm going to get my voice "loudened"! 390 00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:32,278 - Voice "loudened." - Yes, so I can... 391 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,625 talk to birds 392 00:18:33,709 --> 00:18:35,213 - All right, so, well, I don't know 393 00:18:35,297 --> 00:18:36,749 if we're gonna find a dentist who can do that. 394 00:18:36,832 --> 00:18:38,417 Also, it's not covered in this insurance 395 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,601 because it's the basic... - Uh-huh, yeah. 396 00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,119 - Dental and vision. - Uh-huh. 397 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,055 Vision! Did you say vision? 398 00:18:43,138 --> 00:18:44,890 Oh, my God. - I did say vision. 399 00:18:44,973 --> 00:18:46,458 - Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, what? 400 00:18:46,541 --> 00:18:48,260 Sammy, what? Sammy! - That is my name. 401 00:18:48,343 --> 00:18:50,728 - I'm gonna have one contact that looks like a cat eye 402 00:18:50,812 --> 00:18:52,830 and another contact that looks like a cat's face 403 00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:54,900 that's missing an eye. - You don't wear contacts. 404 00:18:54,983 --> 00:18:56,735 - I'm gonna have a third eye that looks like the letter "I," 405 00:18:56,818 --> 00:18:58,369 and it's gonna be in my eye, and I'm gonna be like, 406 00:18:58,453 --> 00:19:00,806 "I... see you." 407 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,641 - [Sighs] Leshaun... 408 00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:04,877 you don't wear contacts, so there's no reason... 409 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,312 - Well, I'm going to need to wear contacts 410 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,214 when I have my eyebrows redid because they say 411 00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:09,949 that kind of procedure will "scrumple" the corneas. 412 00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:12,585 - You're not getting your eyebrows redid, redone... 413 00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:14,153 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Undone, done. 414 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,654 - I'm gonna have 'em switched on my face, 415 00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,423 so when I get mad, I look delighted! 416 00:19:17,506 --> 00:19:18,891 - Do you understand that insurance 417 00:19:18,974 --> 00:19:20,892 is only for real medical problems? 418 00:19:20,976 --> 00:19:22,428 And even then, we have a deductible. 419 00:19:22,511 --> 00:19:24,296 - I'm going to deduct the fat from my ass 420 00:19:24,379 --> 00:19:25,664 and put 'em in my "fangles," 421 00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:26,966 so when I wave, I look like Mickey Mouse. 422 00:19:27,049 --> 00:19:28,467 - Okay, all right. 423 00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:30,336 Listen to what I'm telling you right now. 424 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,971 - What? - Insurance is not for you 425 00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:33,906 to have the bottom half of your body cut off 426 00:19:33,989 --> 00:19:36,075 and you sewn to a horse so you can experience 427 00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:37,576 what it's like to be a... both: Centaur 428 00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:39,645 - Oh, my God, Sammy, that's a good idea. 429 00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:42,581 - It's not a good idea because you'd die almost immediately. 430 00:19:42,664 --> 00:19:44,850 - Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy. It would be so worth it. 431 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,970 Sammy, please, tell me I can. 432 00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:49,688 - I know that you want to do that, but you can't do it. 433 00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,991 It's not covered by the insurance. 434 00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:53,759 - Oh, Sammy! Come on! - It's not... 435 00:19:53,842 --> 00:19:55,961 - Why you got to be the '80s to my disco right now? 436 00:19:56,044 --> 00:19:57,796 Why do you have to, hmm? - I'm not trying... 437 00:19:57,879 --> 00:19:59,498 - You don't. That's the answer. You don't. 438 00:19:59,581 --> 00:20:01,533 - I'm just trying to be the reality to your dementia. 439 00:20:01,616 --> 00:20:03,002 - I'm gonna have two stomachs! 440 00:20:03,085 --> 00:20:04,270 I'm gonna get another stomach. 441 00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:06,438 One for cherries and one for corn. 442 00:20:06,521 --> 00:20:07,806 - Oh, my God. - That's right, Sammy. 443 00:20:07,889 --> 00:20:09,008 I'm gonna go to couples therapy alone 444 00:20:09,091 --> 00:20:10,376 and just play both parts. - Yeah. 445 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,710 - I'm gonna go to the gynecologist, 446 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,534 just ask questions till I get it. 447 00:20:13,618 --> 00:20:15,014 Oh, and I got another question... 448 00:20:15,097 --> 00:20:16,715 a few questions about how many different parts 449 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,217 of your body you can make blink. [Heavy metal music plays] 450 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,685 'Cause I want to get my "earlids" done 451 00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,220 and then my foot pockets. 452 00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,889 Foot pockets are this invention I've been thinking of 453 00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:26,859 where you can just put your keys up by your ankles. 454 00:20:26,942 --> 00:20:28,394 Then I'm gonna have a coaster put in my shoulder, 455 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,628 so when I go to a bar, I can say, 456 00:20:29,711 --> 00:20:30,907 "You want a drink on me?" 457 00:20:30,991 --> 00:20:32,731 And then I'm just gonna be, like, a monster, 458 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:34,166 and then for Halloween, I'm gonna dress up 459 00:20:34,249 --> 00:20:35,633 like a normal human being. 460 00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:37,569 [Cheers and applause] 461 00:20:37,652 --> 00:20:39,138 - You guys have... You guys have been... 462 00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:41,073 uh, you guys have been great tonight. 463 00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,475 And we just wanted to say thank you 464 00:20:43,558 --> 00:20:45,884 and say good-bye as well, and... 465 00:20:46,736 --> 00:20:48,914 - Jimenez would never have said good-bye. 466 00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,349 [Laughter] 467 00:20:50,432 --> 00:20:51,750 - Good night, everybody. 468 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:54,631 [Cheers and applause] 469 00:20:56,271 --> 00:20:59,191 - I'm gonna do my one line here 470 00:20:59,274 --> 00:21:01,708 - Oh, yeah. 471 00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:05,188 - The relationship between C-3PO and R2-D2. 472 00:21:05,272 --> 00:21:06,555 - They were gay. - They were gay. 473 00:21:06,639 --> 00:21:08,133 - They were gay. - They were gay androids. 474 00:21:08,217 --> 00:21:09,569 - [Sassy beeping] 475 00:21:09,653 --> 00:21:10,605 - [Imitating C-3PO] It's like, Artoo... 476 00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:11,921 - Mm-mm. - No, don't... 477 00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:14,290 - Uh-uh. - What? 478 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,365 [Cheers and applause] Ripped By mstoll 479 00:21:17,449 --> 00:21:19,150 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 480 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,750 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36018

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