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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,419
- I'll tell you one thing...
When the Unsullied
2
00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,822
make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.
3
00:00:04,906 --> 00:00:06,256
- Wait, wait, dude, hold up.
4
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:07,624
- It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.
5
00:00:07,707 --> 00:00:09,293
Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.
6
00:00:09,507 --> 00:00:10,794
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.
7
00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:12,429
- I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.
8
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,264
- Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "Peace."
9
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,766
You know what I'm saying?
Like...
10
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,035
- Jordan, right now... right now
you must listen
11
00:00:18,118 --> 00:00:20,971
to how this white dude
is talking to black people.
12
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:23,291
- Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.
13
00:00:23,375 --> 00:00:25,609
I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.
14
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,010
- No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."
15
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,041
- I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.
16
00:00:29,125 --> 00:00:30,494
- He puts the pussy
on the chain wax.
17
00:00:30,578 --> 00:00:32,072
- That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.
18
00:00:32,156 --> 00:00:33,116
- What's up, girl?
19
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,685
- He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.
20
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,953
- Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
21
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,835
- Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.
22
00:00:37,953 --> 00:00:39,456
- [Calmly] Hey!
Hey! How's it going?
23
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,891
Key and Peele, right?
- Good.
24
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,148
- So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.
25
00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:45,195
You guys rock.
Awesome.
26
00:00:45,426 --> 00:00:48,054
Yo, Kevin,
let me get some Red Vines!
27
00:00:51,063 --> 00:00:52,156
- [Clears throat]
28
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,307
- Want to get out of here?
- Yep.
29
00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,310
[Soul music]
30
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:08,391
31
00:01:10,573 --> 00:01:12,292
Ripped By mstoll
32
00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,077
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
33
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:20,472
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
34
00:01:26,285 --> 00:01:27,470
Thank you so much.
35
00:01:27,553 --> 00:01:29,306
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
36
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,174
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
37
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,809
Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.
38
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,377
- Thank you for coming.
39
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:38,070
[Cheers and applause]
40
00:01:38,154 --> 00:01:39,711
You know what we're fed up with?
41
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,086
The news.
42
00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:44,053
- Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.
43
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,323
The news is annoying to us.
- Right.
44
00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:49,025
- The way that the news stations
are getting their news now
45
00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:50,493
is just basically
from the Internet.
46
00:01:50,576 --> 00:01:52,495
- Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPads
47
00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:53,727
at the desk.
48
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:58,742
- Next we will discuss a new way
to double your penis size.
49
00:01:58,826 --> 00:02:00,852
- [Laughs]
- That is...
50
00:02:01,211 --> 00:02:03,506
- My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.
51
00:02:03,589 --> 00:02:05,141
And if a guy came
on the news and said,
52
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,076
"There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"
53
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,379
my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."
54
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,523
- Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:10,696 --> 00:02:12,949
Then be like, "And we'll be back
with more news
56
00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:16,519
on the Nigerian prince
who needs some money."
57
00:02:16,602 --> 00:02:18,250
[Laughter]
58
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,563
"But first...
59
00:02:20,872 --> 00:02:24,533
a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."
60
00:02:24,617 --> 00:02:27,430
- Oh, let this one guy
be white, please.
61
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:30,699
- "Where... where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."
62
00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,773
- Might be white!
Might be white!
63
00:02:32,857 --> 00:02:35,343
Might be white!
[Applause]
64
00:02:35,427 --> 00:02:37,780
[Exhales deeply]
Might be white.
65
00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,094
- "And a pack
of Now and Laters."
66
00:02:40,178 --> 00:02:42,875
- Damn it!
[Laughter]
67
00:02:42,959 --> 00:02:45,045
[Dramatic music]
68
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,649
- Good evening, St. Paul.
69
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:49,219
It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.
70
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:50,977
- And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.
71
00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:53,455
Winter weather advisories
are in effect
72
00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:54,984
across central Minnesota
tonight.
73
00:02:55,068 --> 00:02:57,459
With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.
74
00:02:57,543 --> 00:02:59,117
Isaac.
- Thanks, Marcy.
75
00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:01,883
A major system
is zipping across the region.
76
00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:04,086
Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,
77
00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:06,367
but it feels like 20 below.
Jamie.
78
00:03:06,584 --> 00:03:08,170
- Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.
79
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,150
Lots of reports of black ice.
80
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:12,776
- Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.
81
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,820
It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.
82
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:16,953
- That's right, Marcy.
83
00:03:17,199 --> 00:03:19,081
Keep your loved ones safe
and warn them
84
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,683
to stay off the street tonight
85
00:03:20,766 --> 00:03:23,453
because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.
86
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,504
- Isaac.
87
00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:30,260
- We have channel 17's
field reporter,
88
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,313
Darren Hepner, with more.
Darren?
89
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,305
- Yeah...
90
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:39,034
I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,
91
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:41,337
where there are currently
no cars on the street
92
00:03:41,420 --> 00:03:42,516
due to, uh...
93
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,406
hazardous driving conditions.
94
00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:47,234
- Darren, are you
talking about black ice?
95
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:49,500
- That's right.
96
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:53,772
- Ooh, jeez, it's frightening
just to even say "black ice."
97
00:03:53,856 --> 00:03:56,642
- It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.
98
00:03:56,919 --> 00:04:00,206
A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorized
99
00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:01,875
by the appearance of black ice.
100
00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:05,344
- Well, one must keep
in mind that,
101
00:04:05,595 --> 00:04:08,315
just because black ice
looks different than white ice,
102
00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:10,383
it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.
103
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,952
Also, one must remember
104
00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:15,586
how hard it is
for black ice to survive,
105
00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:17,923
what with the authorities
trying to destroy it
106
00:04:18,074 --> 00:04:20,160
with the snow plows
and the salt trucks,
107
00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:22,696
but black ice perseveres.
108
00:04:22,779 --> 00:04:24,367
- Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.
109
00:04:24,451 --> 00:04:27,333
And as you can see right now,
the city is being controlled
110
00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:29,781
by lots
of oppressive white snow,
111
00:04:29,892 --> 00:04:33,172
making it hard
for all people to advance.
112
00:04:33,322 --> 00:04:36,234
And we don't hear
much "news" about that,
113
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:38,086
now, do we?
- No, we do not!
114
00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:41,102
- Well, thank you very much,
brother Darren.
115
00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:44,784
- But let's be honest...
black ice is the real menace.
116
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:48,021
Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,
117
00:04:48,104 --> 00:04:50,856
walking away
from an ATM machine,
118
00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:52,959
when black ice
just snuck up on me
119
00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,695
and practically robbed me
of my balance.
120
00:04:55,778 --> 00:04:58,898
- Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.
121
00:04:58,981 --> 00:05:03,436
- Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snow
122
00:05:03,519 --> 00:05:05,705
doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeing
123
00:05:05,788 --> 00:05:07,407
what's really going on.
124
00:05:07,491 --> 00:05:08,776
- All I'm saying
is I can't think
125
00:05:08,858 --> 00:05:11,211
of a single Christmas song
about black ice.
126
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:14,381
Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...
127
00:05:14,464 --> 00:05:16,383
- [laughs]
Well...
128
00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:20,387
for the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.
129
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:21,955
- No, it did not!
130
00:05:22,038 --> 00:05:24,664
- It's a product
of the environment.
131
00:05:24,748 --> 00:05:27,394
- Ooh, hallelujah!
132
00:05:27,477 --> 00:05:30,430
- In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.
133
00:05:30,513 --> 00:05:32,665
The road landed on black ice!
134
00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:35,148
- Whoo! Amen!
135
00:05:37,055 --> 00:05:38,304
- Okay.
136
00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:42,050
Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?
137
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,447
[Tense music]
138
00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:54,187
139
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,771
- Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.
140
00:05:57,273 --> 00:06:00,763
I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.
141
00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:06,099
Um, wha... you know...
142
00:06:06,182 --> 00:06:09,869
Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,
143
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,838
I never met him,
but I hear he left
144
00:06:11,921 --> 00:06:13,144
some pretty big shoes to fill.
145
00:06:13,228 --> 00:06:15,300
- Let's get one thing straight.
146
00:06:15,758 --> 00:06:19,581
You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.
147
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:24,026
Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.
148
00:06:24,773 --> 00:06:26,392
Fill Jimenez's shoes?
149
00:06:26,476 --> 00:06:29,388
The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.
150
00:06:29,862 --> 00:06:32,792
- I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.
151
00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:34,360
I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.
152
00:06:34,443 --> 00:06:36,129
- The best!
153
00:06:36,425 --> 00:06:38,034
- Okay.
154
00:06:38,118 --> 00:06:39,261
Uh...
155
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,968
[exhales deeply]
156
00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:43,870
So these prostitute murders...
157
00:06:43,953 --> 00:06:48,240
um... seems like a serial killer.
- Could be.
158
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,976
- I actually worked out
a theory.
159
00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:53,909
- I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.
160
00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:56,380
You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,
161
00:06:56,464 --> 00:06:59,519
like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?
162
00:06:59,602 --> 00:07:02,034
Not on your ass.
163
00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:05,800
Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.
164
00:07:07,612 --> 00:07:10,196
You think you're Jimenez?
- Absolutely not.
165
00:07:10,279 --> 00:07:11,489
- You're goddamn right
you're not!
166
00:07:11,573 --> 00:07:12,599
- I just said I'm...
167
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,267
- Jimenez
would've busted 20 perps
168
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,236
in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pants
169
00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:20,097
over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.
170
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,542
Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.
171
00:07:22,718 --> 00:07:26,606
You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?
172
00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,620
- What is going on?
173
00:07:27,704 --> 00:07:29,523
- You want to be their daddy?
- No!
174
00:07:29,832 --> 00:07:31,084
You know what?
I think...
175
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:32,719
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
176
00:07:32,802 --> 00:07:34,554
- Not Jimenez.
- Oh...
177
00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:36,189
- Jimenez got off
on the right foot
178
00:07:36,272 --> 00:07:38,739
every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...
179
00:07:38,823 --> 00:07:40,393
- Uh-huh.
- Which is more than I can say
180
00:07:40,476 --> 00:07:42,562
for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.
181
00:07:42,645 --> 00:07:44,531
- What?
- Jimenez wannabe!
182
00:07:44,614 --> 00:07:46,799
- I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!
183
00:07:46,882 --> 00:07:48,442
- Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?
184
00:07:48,526 --> 00:07:49,849
- There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.
185
00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:50,989
- Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?
186
00:07:51,073 --> 00:07:51,971
- I don't know.
You said...
187
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,206
- Smurf pecker!
188
00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,347
- Okay, I'm out.
I can't...
189
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:56,808
I can't make this work.
190
00:08:04,062 --> 00:08:06,315
- Jimenez would've made it work.
191
00:08:10,418 --> 00:08:12,852
Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.
192
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:17,580
- Jordan, would you say that
193
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,881
there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,
194
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,417
Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?
195
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,186
- Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.
196
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,309
There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.
197
00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:29,091
Not only is it far, far away,
198
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,713
it's clearly
a long, long time ago.
199
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:32,885
- Right.
200
00:08:32,969 --> 00:08:34,885
- So last year we had...
201
00:08:34,969 --> 00:08:38,292
we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.
202
00:08:38,545 --> 00:08:40,531
And he's in Emplre Strlkes Back.
203
00:08:40,615 --> 00:08:42,938
And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,
204
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,407
'cause my man just
walks up talking about,
205
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:47,401
"Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."
206
00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,831
- And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.
207
00:08:51,914 --> 00:08:53,800
My man had the first
purple lightsaber.
208
00:08:53,883 --> 00:08:55,834
- Yeah.
[Laughter]
209
00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:59,125
- How you gonna
give Mace Windu
210
00:08:59,255 --> 00:09:02,196
a grape-flavored lightsaber?
211
00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,255
What?
212
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:14,020
- Lando! What?
Oh, snap!
213
00:09:14,103 --> 00:09:15,722
Yo, Lando!
214
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,023
Yo, Lando Calrissian!
215
00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:18,643
- Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.
216
00:09:18,727 --> 00:09:21,961
- Oh... dude!
Lando!
217
00:09:22,044 --> 00:09:26,307
Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!
218
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,401
That's you, man!
You out there just...
219
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,902
[imitates ship engine whirring,
laser blasts]
220
00:09:29,985 --> 00:09:30,727
Swoosh!
221
00:09:30,811 --> 00:09:33,138
- Well, you know,
I-I do my best.
222
00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:35,875
- Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.
223
00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:38,811
- Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.
224
00:09:38,894 --> 00:09:40,408
- Straight up, though...
Straight up, man.
225
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,482
You an inspiration
to all of us, man.
226
00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:45,385
You insp... you the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.
227
00:09:45,468 --> 00:09:46,719
Man, I ain't joking, man.
- That's nice.
228
00:09:46,802 --> 00:09:48,321
- But, yo, ideally, though...
- Yeah?
229
00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:50,994
- Ideally...
On an ideal situation,
230
00:09:51,078 --> 00:09:52,392
I would be doing
like what you're doing.
231
00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:54,227
I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambers
232
00:09:54,310 --> 00:09:55,695
of Cloud City, dog.
233
00:09:55,778 --> 00:09:56,996
- Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.
234
00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,531
- Yo, right on, man,
235
00:09:58,614 --> 00:09:59,999
'cause they got me
in the carbonite room
236
00:10:00,082 --> 00:10:01,000
right now, son.
237
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,321
That's bullshit, right?
238
00:10:02,405 --> 00:10:04,671
They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.
239
00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,502
Yo, I ain't no pig, you know?
240
00:10:06,586 --> 00:10:07,774
And you ever notice, man,
241
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:10,676
there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space?
242
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,679
Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.
243
00:10:12,762 --> 00:10:15,581
- You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.
244
00:10:15,664 --> 00:10:18,117
I just think it's
really, really difficult
245
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,751
to get to this level.
246
00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:23,221
You've got to understand
the politics of the Empire
247
00:10:23,305 --> 00:10:24,557
and, at the same time,
248
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,369
all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.
249
00:10:26,453 --> 00:10:27,728
- All that, man, all that.
- You've got...
250
00:10:27,810 --> 00:10:29,283
- All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.
251
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,930
But ideally, though, man...
252
00:10:31,013 --> 00:10:33,658
Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you...
253
00:10:33,742 --> 00:10:36,069
we should, like, do something
together, though, man,
254
00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,438
'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,
255
00:10:38,521 --> 00:10:40,540
I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.
256
00:10:40,623 --> 00:10:42,690
My friends was like,
"Man, you should be piloting
257
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,143
one of the X-wings," right?
258
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:45,812
And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,
259
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,380
'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,
260
00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:49,749
cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-wings come in.
261
00:10:49,832 --> 00:10:53,286
- Zeef, I got to go.
You should prob... Oh, no.
262
00:10:53,369 --> 00:10:55,755
- Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?
263
00:10:55,838 --> 00:10:57,026
'Cause that's
the most important thing...
264
00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,156
that we contact one another,
265
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,088
'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though...
266
00:11:00,172 --> 00:11:01,399
ideally, though...
267
00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:04,088
I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Millennium Falcon.
268
00:11:04,172 --> 00:11:05,298
Like, that would be cool.
[Device beeps]
269
00:11:05,381 --> 00:11:07,100
And, yo, let me get you my...
Like, my cont...
270
00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:08,634
I got my card
in here somewhere.
271
00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:10,002
[Beeping]
Man, I'm just trying
272
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,738
to find this, like,
pocket right here,
273
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,906
'cause these...
Sometimes, these suits,
274
00:11:13,989 --> 00:11:16,075
they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?
275
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:18,478
Just give your information
to Lobot here,
276
00:11:18,561 --> 00:11:20,747
and we'll be in touch.
277
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:21,914
- Lobot?
278
00:11:21,997 --> 00:11:24,083
Man, I see how it is.
279
00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:26,152
I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?
280
00:11:26,235 --> 00:11:28,187
Man, fuck you, nigga!
281
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,689
Little white-ass hair!
282
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,791
Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?
283
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:33,993
Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?
284
00:11:34,076 --> 00:11:36,567
- [Chuckles]
Outrageous.
285
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:41,300
[Dramatic music]
286
00:11:41,383 --> 00:11:42,435
287
00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:44,036
- Welcome to Metta World News.
288
00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:45,605
Our top story...
289
00:11:45,688 --> 00:11:47,690
The Pope is thinking
of moving out the Vatican
290
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,342
so feral cats can live there.
291
00:11:49,547 --> 00:11:51,299
Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"
292
00:11:51,383 --> 00:11:52,805
with Metta World Peace.
293
00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:55,181
[Corny voice]
Thank you, Metta.
294
00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:57,683
You need
five plastic grocery bags
295
00:11:57,766 --> 00:11:59,696
to make an effective parachute.
296
00:12:00,555 --> 00:12:02,355
[Normal voice]
Thanks, Metta, and you will die
297
00:12:02,438 --> 00:12:03,789
if you try that.
298
00:12:03,873 --> 00:12:05,558
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
299
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:09,462
for this Wednesday, November
morning star cocktail napkin.
300
00:12:09,545 --> 00:12:11,979
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
301
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:16,695
- You guys like jazz?
302
00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,037
[Crowd cheers]
303
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,321
- All right, yeah, yeah.
304
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:20,973
We just think that jazz
is really great.
305
00:12:21,056 --> 00:12:22,308
It never tries to be pop music.
306
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:23,509
It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.
307
00:12:23,592 --> 00:12:24,352
"If you don't like it...
308
00:12:24,436 --> 00:12:28,014
[imitates frenetic jazz music]
309
00:12:28,097 --> 00:12:29,015
I'm a genius."
310
00:12:29,098 --> 00:12:32,164
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
311
00:12:32,401 --> 00:12:35,321
[Jazz music plays]
312
00:12:35,404 --> 00:12:43,402
313
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,798
[warbling notes]
314
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:26,879
315
00:13:43,706 --> 00:13:48,394
[applause]
316
00:13:48,477 --> 00:13:56,475
317
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:13,185
[applause]
318
00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:16,384
319
00:14:16,468 --> 00:14:18,721
[glass shatters]
320
00:14:18,805 --> 00:14:26,396
321
00:14:26,715 --> 00:14:29,707
[cheers and applause]
322
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:39,952
323
00:14:54,576 --> 00:14:57,568
[cheers and applause]
324
00:15:01,283 --> 00:15:07,206
325
00:15:07,289 --> 00:15:10,176
[applause]
326
00:15:10,259 --> 00:15:18,257
327
00:15:45,494 --> 00:15:48,486
[mouthing words]
328
00:15:50,999 --> 00:15:52,051
[Short, strained note]
329
00:15:52,134 --> 00:15:55,126
[Cheers and applause]
330
00:15:57,506 --> 00:16:05,504
331
00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:11,904
[both playing frenetically]
332
00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:14,131
333
00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:17,309
[long, sustained note]
334
00:16:17,392 --> 00:16:25,390
335
00:16:29,538 --> 00:16:32,530
[cheers and applause]
336
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:41,817
- We, uh... we like
to give support
337
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,320
to our gay brothers
and sisters.
338
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,921
- Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation...
339
00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:47,489
a lot of things
going their way recently.
340
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,410
- Having their civil rights
movement right now.
341
00:16:49,494 --> 00:16:51,894
- Health care coming their way,
marriage coming their way.
342
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:54,930
Now they can all get
within the bond
343
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,399
of holy matrimony,
and then you, too,
344
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,301
can be as miserable
as the rest of us.
345
00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,570
- That's right.
- So, by all means, please.
346
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:04,840
- It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,
347
00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:06,842
using the fact
that he couldn't get married
348
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,994
as his excuse
to not get married.
349
00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:11,680
- The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.
350
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:12,848
- [Screams]
351
00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:13,955
- Ow, yeah.
352
00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,725
- We gettin' married!
353
00:17:17,182 --> 00:17:18,987
- Is that...
Is that in every state?
354
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:21,260
- [Humming rhythmically]
- Oh, no.
355
00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,030
Oh, boy.
356
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:26,334
[Cheers and applause]
357
00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:31,317
- Hello, Leshaun.
Hello, Carousel.
358
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,486
- Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.
359
00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:35,721
- Oh, what was it this time?
- She says an ostrich
360
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,223
is going to escape
from the zoo today.
361
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,158
- Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,
362
00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:41,527
so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.
363
00:17:41,610 --> 00:17:43,395
- Okay, well,
better late than never.
364
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,564
All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.
365
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,800
Let's go. Mm.
Come on, go around.
366
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:49,902
Use the force.
There you go.
367
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:50,937
- Leshaun.
368
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,405
Leshaun, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.
369
00:17:53,488 --> 00:17:56,509
It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.
370
00:17:56,592 --> 00:17:57,744
- What?
- Yes.
371
00:17:57,828 --> 00:17:59,011
- [Screams]
- Yes.
372
00:17:59,094 --> 00:18:00,908
- Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.
373
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,736
I mean, we're finally
not gonna be treated
374
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,158
like second-class citizens.
- Oh, my God, I want to see.
375
00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:05,486
I want to see. I want to see.
I want...
376
00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:06,986
No, don't show me. Just tell me.
What are we covered?
377
00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,025
What are we covered?
How are we covered?
378
00:18:08,109 --> 00:18:08,988
- It's good insurance.
379
00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:10,689
We get dental and...
- Dental!
380
00:18:10,772 --> 00:18:12,691
Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.
381
00:18:12,774 --> 00:18:14,426
- Okay, Leshaun,
you got to take it...
382
00:18:14,509 --> 00:18:17,377
- I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.
383
00:18:17,461 --> 00:18:19,398
- A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fang
384
00:18:19,482 --> 00:18:20,734
for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.
385
00:18:20,818 --> 00:18:22,303
- You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,
386
00:18:22,417 --> 00:18:23,903
which means it wouldn't be...
- Oh, my God.
387
00:18:23,986 --> 00:18:25,771
Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fang
388
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,506
the president of my mouth.
- Okay.
389
00:18:27,589 --> 00:18:30,509
- And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!
390
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:32,278
- Voice "loudened."
- Yes, so I can...
391
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,625
talk to birds
392
00:18:33,709 --> 00:18:35,213
- All right,
so, well, I don't know
393
00:18:35,297 --> 00:18:36,749
if we're gonna find a dentist
who can do that.
394
00:18:36,832 --> 00:18:38,417
Also, it's not covered
in this insurance
395
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,601
because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.
396
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,119
- Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.
397
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,055
Vision!
Did you say vision?
398
00:18:43,138 --> 00:18:44,890
Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.
399
00:18:44,973 --> 00:18:46,458
- Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?
400
00:18:46,541 --> 00:18:48,260
Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.
401
00:18:48,343 --> 00:18:50,728
- I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eye
402
00:18:50,812 --> 00:18:52,830
and another contact
that looks like a cat's face
403
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:54,900
that's missing an eye.
- You don't wear contacts.
404
00:18:54,983 --> 00:18:56,735
- I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"
405
00:18:56,818 --> 00:18:58,369
and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,
406
00:18:58,453 --> 00:19:00,806
"I... see you."
407
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,641
- [Sighs]
Leshaun...
408
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:04,877
you don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason...
409
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,312
- Well, I'm going to need
to wear contacts
410
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,214
when I have my eyebrows redid
because they say
411
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:09,949
that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.
412
00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:12,585
- You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...
413
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:14,153
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.
414
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,654
- I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,
415
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,423
so when I get mad,
I look delighted!
416
00:19:17,506 --> 00:19:18,891
- Do you understand
that insurance
417
00:19:18,974 --> 00:19:20,892
is only
for real medical problems?
418
00:19:20,976 --> 00:19:22,428
And even then,
we have a deductible.
419
00:19:22,511 --> 00:19:24,296
- I'm going to deduct
the fat from my ass
420
00:19:24,379 --> 00:19:25,664
and put 'em in my "fangles,"
421
00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:26,966
so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.
422
00:19:27,049 --> 00:19:28,467
- Okay, all right.
423
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:30,336
Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.
424
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,971
- What?
- Insurance is not for you
425
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:33,906
to have the bottom half
of your body cut off
426
00:19:33,989 --> 00:19:36,075
and you sewn to a horse
so you can experience
427
00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:37,576
what it's like to be a...
both: Centaur
428
00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:39,645
- Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.
429
00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:42,581
- It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.
430
00:19:42,664 --> 00:19:44,850
- Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.
431
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,970
Sammy, please, tell me I can.
432
00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:49,688
- I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.
433
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,991
It's not covered
by the insurance.
434
00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:53,759
- Oh, Sammy! Come on!
- It's not...
435
00:19:53,842 --> 00:19:55,961
- Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?
436
00:19:56,044 --> 00:19:57,796
Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying...
437
00:19:57,879 --> 00:19:59,498
- You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.
438
00:19:59,581 --> 00:20:01,533
- I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.
439
00:20:01,616 --> 00:20:03,002
- I'm gonna have two stomachs!
440
00:20:03,085 --> 00:20:04,270
I'm gonna get another stomach.
441
00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:06,438
One for cherries
and one for corn.
442
00:20:06,521 --> 00:20:07,806
- Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.
443
00:20:07,889 --> 00:20:09,008
I'm gonna go
to couples therapy alone
444
00:20:09,091 --> 00:20:10,376
and just play both parts.
- Yeah.
445
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,710
- I'm gonna
go to the gynecologist,
446
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,534
just ask questions
till I get it.
447
00:20:13,618 --> 00:20:15,014
Oh, and I got
another question...
448
00:20:15,097 --> 00:20:16,715
a few questions
about how many different parts
449
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,217
of your body you can make blink.
[Heavy metal music plays]
450
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,685
'Cause I want to get
my "earlids" done
451
00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,220
and then my foot pockets.
452
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,889
Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking of
453
00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:26,859
where you can just put
your keys up by your ankles.
454
00:20:26,942 --> 00:20:28,394
Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,
455
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,628
so when I go to a bar,
I can say,
456
00:20:29,711 --> 00:20:30,907
"You want a drink on me?"
457
00:20:30,991 --> 00:20:32,731
And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,
458
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:34,166
and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress up
459
00:20:34,249 --> 00:20:35,633
like a normal human being.
460
00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:37,569
[Cheers and applause]
461
00:20:37,652 --> 00:20:39,138
- You guys have...
You guys have been...
462
00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:41,073
uh, you guys
have been great tonight.
463
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,475
And we just wanted
to say thank you
464
00:20:43,558 --> 00:20:45,884
and say good-bye
as well, and...
465
00:20:46,736 --> 00:20:48,914
- Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.
466
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,349
[Laughter]
467
00:20:50,432 --> 00:20:51,750
- Good night, everybody.
468
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:54,631
[Cheers and applause]
469
00:20:56,271 --> 00:20:59,191
-
I'm gonna
do my one line here
470
00:20:59,274 --> 00:21:01,708
- Oh, yeah.
471
00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:05,188
- The relationship
between C-3PO and R2-D2.
472
00:21:05,272 --> 00:21:06,555
- They were gay.
- They were gay.
473
00:21:06,639 --> 00:21:08,133
- They were gay.
- They were gay androids.
474
00:21:08,217 --> 00:21:09,569
- [Sassy beeping]
475
00:21:09,653 --> 00:21:10,605
- [Imitating C-3PO]
It's like, Artoo...
476
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:11,921
- Mm-mm.
- No, don't...
477
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:14,290
- Uh-uh.
- What?
478
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,365
[Cheers and applause]
Ripped By mstoll
479
00:21:17,449 --> 00:21:19,150
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
480
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,750
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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