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1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:03,120
[Overlapping arguing]
- No, but I don't care.
2
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:04,722
- And I'm trying to help
people out over here.
3
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,490
- No, no, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?
4
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:07,958
- No, I don't know. What?
5
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:09,727
- You need to think
about yourself sometimes
6
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,261
before you start
insinuating yourself
7
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,296
in other people's business.
8
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,231
- Well, you know what, Deenyce?
Ripped By mstoll
9
00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:16,834
I'm gonna insinuate myself
whenever and wherever I please,
10
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:19,188
'cause it's a free country,
bitch.
11
00:00:19,272 --> 00:00:20,403
All:
Ooh.
12
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:21,405
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
13
00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:22,573
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
14
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,487
- Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?
15
00:00:24,571 --> 00:00:26,977
- Oh, we doing this? Okay.
So we gonna do it here, baby.
16
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,956
- Yeah, we are
about to fight now.
17
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,253
- Bring it on, then, bitch.
Let's go.
18
00:00:31,337 --> 00:00:33,751
- I ain't even playing,
'cause you know what?
19
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,152
Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...
20
00:00:35,235 --> 00:00:36,587
- Step to me.
- Step up to me...
21
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,955
- No, I would love for you
to step to me,
22
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,523
I really would.
- Right now, bitch.
23
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:40,773
But you're just talking.
That's the problem.
24
00:00:40,857 --> 00:00:42,776
- I don't even care no more.
25
00:00:42,859 --> 00:00:44,300
- And you're talking now,
and that's all you're doing.
26
00:00:44,384 --> 00:00:46,280
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?
27
00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:47,681
- Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
28
00:00:47,764 --> 00:00:49,283
- No, see what happens?
- Your wish is granted.
29
00:00:49,366 --> 00:00:51,243
- See what happens? I would like
to see what happens.
30
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:54,288
I would love to see
what happens.
31
00:00:54,371 --> 00:00:55,656
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
32
00:00:55,739 --> 00:00:58,784
So why don't you come
and bring it, then, bitch?
33
00:00:58,868 --> 00:01:01,543
All: Oh!
- Mm-mm. See, no.
34
00:01:01,627 --> 00:01:04,047
You are riding my last nerve.
35
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,682
And I ain't even playing
no more.
36
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:08,852
I am not even playing no more.
37
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:11,054
- Oh, it's on?
Then let's do something, okay?
38
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,322
You wanna go?
39
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,457
All: Ooh.
- Do something, bitch.
40
00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:15,692
- Uh-uh.
41
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:17,360
- Huh?
There we go.
42
00:01:17,443 --> 00:01:18,828
Let's do something.
43
00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:20,030
- Uh-uh.
44
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:23,053
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
45
00:01:23,137 --> 00:01:24,834
- It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
46
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:25,795
- Uh-uh.
47
00:01:25,879 --> 00:01:28,186
- Let's do something, bitch.
48
00:01:28,270 --> 00:01:29,350
- What?
49
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,344
[Dramatic music]
50
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:41,751
51
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,193
All: Oh.
52
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:45,472
Both: We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!
53
00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:53,256
- Y'all just saw that bitch turn
into two little girls, right?
54
00:01:53,482 --> 00:01:56,599
[Soul music]
55
00:01:56,682 --> 00:02:04,680
56
00:02:08,576 --> 00:02:10,803
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
57
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:15,919
[cheers and applause]
58
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:19,422
Whoo! Whoo!
59
00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:22,692
Yeah. Oh.
[Laughs]
60
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,195
- All right.
- Thank you.
61
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:26,363
Thanks for being here, guys.
62
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:27,964
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
63
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:30,300
- And we're Key and Peele.
Thank you for coming.
64
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:31,568
[Cheers and applause]
65
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,603
- All right, well, do you guys
know The Super Bowl Shuffle?
66
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:36,072
You remember that?
Some of...
67
00:02:36,155 --> 00:02:37,607
- You weren't born in 1985.
Right, exactly.
68
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,376
- Right, it was the '85 Bears.
- Mm-hmm.
69
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:42,045
- Put out this rap video,
70
00:02:42,128 --> 00:02:44,280
just saying how much
badasses they were.
71
00:02:44,363 --> 00:02:46,116
- How bad...
how badass they were.
72
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:49,786
- No athlete has ever been able
to rap and it sounds good.
73
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,087
It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
74
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,823
- There's something
about multiple concussions
75
00:02:53,906 --> 00:02:56,091
that just doesn't...
76
00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:57,794
isn't conducive to rhyming well.
77
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,429
- You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,
78
00:02:59,511 --> 00:03:03,165
"Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."
79
00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:04,857
- Nope.
80
00:03:04,941 --> 00:03:06,236
We gotta take it from the top
81
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:07,470
'cause you messed up
the line, man.
82
00:03:07,553 --> 00:03:08,638
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
83
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:09,906
That's your only line.
84
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:10,907
- All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
85
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:12,142
- We got do it and...
86
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,576
- No, no.
- Gravitate toward it.
87
00:03:13,659 --> 00:03:15,678
- You already...
why are you adding "gravitate"?
88
00:03:15,761 --> 00:03:17,147
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Toquavius...
89
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,915
- Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?
90
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:20,183
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?
91
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:23,702
- Four words!
- No, this is just...
92
00:03:27,896 --> 00:03:29,057
Hey, J'Dinkalage?
93
00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:31,076
- Yeah, L'Carpetron?
94
00:03:31,246 --> 00:03:32,935
- Check out Leoz.
95
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,300
I wonder
what he's dreaming about.
96
00:03:37,443 --> 00:03:40,870
- He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna do
97
00:03:40,953 --> 00:03:42,373
to the team from the West.
98
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,310
- I wonder.
99
00:03:45,998 --> 00:03:48,945
[Dreamy music]
100
00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,780
101
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:54,551
['80s hip-hop music]
102
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:55,985
-
T'Variusness
103
00:03:56,068 --> 00:03:57,153
T King for short
104
00:03:57,236 --> 00:03:58,188
I'm a bad mamma jamma
105
00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,456
And an awful sport
106
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:00,523
-
Smoochie-Wallace
107
00:04:00,606 --> 00:04:01,756
You can call me Tyroil
108
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,160
Wrapping up rushes
like aluminum foil
109
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,362
-
McCringleberry,
I'm very scary
110
00:04:06,445 --> 00:04:08,531
If I got the ball,
you best be wary
111
00:04:08,614 --> 00:04:10,633
-
L'Carpetron Dookmarriot
112
00:04:10,716 --> 00:04:13,079
I love the ball so much,
I wanna marry it
113
00:04:13,163 --> 00:04:16,038
All:
'Cause the Eastern school's
114
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:18,641
Gonna beat the fools
from the West
115
00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:21,493
- Oh, yeah.
116
00:04:21,994 --> 00:04:23,646
All:
Where football's concerned
117
00:04:23,729 --> 00:04:27,417
We gonna show you
that we are the best
118
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,820
-
We are the best
119
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:33,040
-
I'm lbrahim Moizoos
120
00:04:33,124 --> 00:04:35,644
And my rhymes are clean
like my name was Dr. Seuss
121
00:04:35,728 --> 00:04:37,726
-
Probincrux III,
they call me "The Probe"
122
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:40,230
I can intercept balls
with my earlobe
123
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:42,517
-
Shower-Handel,
that's my name
124
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,333
Power candle sounds the same
125
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,668
-
With Jackmerius,
D'squarius
126
00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:46,836
And Javarison-Lamar
127
00:04:46,919 --> 00:04:48,204
Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and
128
00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:50,493
-
D'Marcus plays guitar
129
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:54,204
All:
'Cause the Eastern school's
130
00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,613
Gonna beat the fools
from the West
131
00:04:57,361 --> 00:04:58,548
-
Okay
132
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,250
Don't you know
133
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,085
All:
Where football's concerned
134
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,889
We gonna show you
that we are the best
135
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,724
-
Indeedy, we are the best
136
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,173
137
00:05:09,257 --> 00:05:10,392
[gasps]
138
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,837
It must have been all a dream.
139
00:05:15,001 --> 00:05:16,134
[Gasps]
140
00:05:16,931 --> 00:05:18,087
Or was it?
141
00:05:18,171 --> 00:05:24,775
142
00:05:25,747 --> 00:05:28,306
- Oh, it's on.
143
00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:33,387
[Hip-hop music]
144
00:05:33,869 --> 00:05:35,931
-
What's up, y'all?
It's Jefferspin
145
00:05:36,015 --> 00:05:38,453
I'm the big left tackle,
gonna help us win
146
00:05:38,537 --> 00:05:40,990
-
X-Wing @Aliciousness
147
00:05:41,073 --> 00:05:43,793
I'll use my force
to give the East distress
148
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,562
-
L'Goodling-Splatt
is where it's at
149
00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:48,498
Running through defenders
and padding my stats
150
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:51,134
-
Y'all know me,
I'm Washingbeard
151
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:53,803
Catch so many balls,
it's a little weird
152
00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:56,806
All:
'Cause you know
we gonna win against the East
153
00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:58,308
-
Listen what we said
154
00:05:58,391 --> 00:05:59,442
All:
We gonna get the most points
155
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:01,311
And they gonna get the least
156
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:03,446
-
Just trying to calm the
voices running through my head
157
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:06,149
-
Back it up,
it's Hardunkichud
158
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:08,751
I hit the QB
and make a noise like thud
159
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:11,087
-
Can't block me
and all of that jazz
160
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:13,656
'Cause y'all don't want
none of this Ozamataz
161
00:06:13,739 --> 00:06:14,757
The player...
162
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,326
T.J. A.J.
163
00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:17,493
Formerly known...
164
00:06:17,576 --> 00:06:18,928
- [screeches]
165
00:06:19,011 --> 00:06:20,697
[Construction noises]
Lewith
166
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:21,698
-
As Mousecop
167
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,299
And Donkey Teeth
168
00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:24,334
I'm the touchdown man
169
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:25,602
That's Grundelplith
170
00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:26,836
But y'all ain't ready
171
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:29,189
For my man Dan Smith
172
00:06:29,273 --> 00:06:32,207
-
Yo, yo, Smith, Daniel
173
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:33,676
Other kickers in the league
don't hold a candle
174
00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:35,044
Cheerleaders up
on my jock and crotch
175
00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:36,179
Those Goddamn
baby cocker spaniel
176
00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:37,814
B YU, why you be mad
177
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,282
'Cause the bitches
wanna get with me?
178
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:40,587
Got Swisher Sweets
and Dutchies
179
00:06:40,671 --> 00:06:42,236
Rolling 'em,
so my team can touch these
180
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,006
Hitting field goals blunted,
been drunk when I punted
181
00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:46,955
Been, like, a hundred times
that I already done it
182
00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:49,559
Oh, shit, see, these haters
thought I was playing
183
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:50,960
Staying away from my face
184
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,462
With all the bullshit
they saying
185
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,130
But just remember
who you taunting
186
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:55,498
When you tossing
those gauntlets
187
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:58,701
I'm Dan Smith, and the West is
getting rowdy like monsters
188
00:06:58,784 --> 00:07:01,142
[all cheer]
189
00:07:02,788 --> 00:07:05,251
[Soul music]
190
00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:06,787
- Question for you.
191
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:10,079
Why do black people
love Mafia stuff so much?
192
00:07:10,353 --> 00:07:11,748
We do, right?
193
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:14,417
- Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
194
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:15,885
- Godfather II, God...
195
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:17,920
Mm, on the third one, but...
196
00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:21,524
- We are very tolerant,
considering that Mafia...
197
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:24,727
mobsters are the most racist
people in America.
198
00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:25,862
- Hands down.
- Right?
199
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,897
- They say the N-word
more than we do.
200
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,332
- Yeah, it's crazy.
201
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:32,639
- I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister,
202
00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:34,370
you will wake up with that
bitch's head in your bed.
203
00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:35,905
- That's right.
- [Screams]
204
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:36,939
- They're like
205
00:07:37,022 --> 00:07:38,508
the most cold-blooded people
in the world.
206
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:39,542
- They just don't give a fuck.
207
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,778
- They don't.
That's their motto.
208
00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:43,746
"I clearly don't care."
- You laugh,
209
00:07:43,829 --> 00:07:46,821
but we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.
210
00:07:50,645 --> 00:07:51,854
- I'm telling you, Vinny,
211
00:07:51,937 --> 00:07:54,757
no disrespect to your dearly
departed grandmother,
212
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,715
but my aunt makes a pasta...
forget about it.
213
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,606
- Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?
214
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:03,466
Seems kind of dangerous.
215
00:08:04,411 --> 00:08:06,348
- What are you,
McGruff the Crime Dog?
216
00:08:06,625 --> 00:08:07,922
Come on, we're late already.
217
00:08:10,419 --> 00:08:13,876
- Hey, you... you say
she lives in this house here?
218
00:08:14,465 --> 00:08:16,112
- What the fuck's
the matter with you, Vinny?
219
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,719
You're being rude.
Let's go.
220
00:08:20,879 --> 00:08:23,137
- I'm not trying to be rude.
It's...
221
00:08:23,552 --> 00:08:24,604
The lights are off.
222
00:08:24,687 --> 00:08:27,472
Maybe we...
Let's come back later. Y...
223
00:08:27,556 --> 00:08:29,409
- Hey, she's probably
just taking a nap
224
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:31,778
after the huge meal
she just made for us.
225
00:08:31,861 --> 00:08:32,864
Go in.
226
00:08:37,075 --> 00:08:39,252
- I don't have a key.
You should go in first.
227
00:08:39,335 --> 00:08:41,421
- Oh, maron, she said
she'd leave it open.
228
00:08:41,637 --> 00:08:44,023
Vinny, stop being such a strunz
229
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,840
and get in there.
230
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,833
- All right, all right.
231
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:56,836
[Italian opera music]
232
00:08:56,919 --> 00:09:04,917
233
00:10:22,118 --> 00:10:23,932
- Surprise.
234
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:29,629
No, I'm good, man.
235
00:10:30,081 --> 00:10:31,190
- You hungry?
236
00:10:32,604 --> 00:10:34,133
- Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
237
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,035
Um, what you want?
238
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:37,870
Pizza? Chinese?
239
00:10:37,953 --> 00:10:39,305
- [Clicks tongue]
240
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,190
Kill that noise, man.
241
00:10:43,956 --> 00:10:45,690
I got a ratatouille.
242
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:48,948
- Oh, fuck!
243
00:10:49,031 --> 00:10:50,316
That's a rat, dude.
244
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,484
- No, it ain't.
245
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,901
That's a ratatouille, yo.
246
00:10:54,729 --> 00:10:58,391
Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.
247
00:10:58,474 --> 00:11:00,126
Yeah, show him what you got.
248
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:01,594
[Rat squeaking]
249
00:11:01,677 --> 00:11:04,997
[Rat scampering away]
250
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,899
[Kitchen utensils clattering]
251
00:11:07,419 --> 00:11:10,354
- What the fuck, son?
You got a rat up in your house?
252
00:11:12,596 --> 00:11:14,432
What this mean?
253
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,510
- I don't know what to say, man.
254
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,245
I got a ratatouille, man.
255
00:11:19,328 --> 00:11:21,514
He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.
256
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:22,782
- No, no r... hey.
257
00:11:22,865 --> 00:11:23,844
There's only...
[sighs]
258
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,086
There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?
259
00:11:27,169 --> 00:11:28,588
And he's not a ratatouille.
260
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:31,457
He's a rat,
and his name is Remy.
261
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,860
- Potato, potato.
- Potato, p...
262
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,595
- I gots myself a ratatouille.
263
00:11:35,678 --> 00:11:36,987
That's all I know.
264
00:11:38,956 --> 00:11:39,966
Order up.
265
00:11:40,049 --> 00:11:42,441
- Damn!
Come on, Levi!
266
00:11:47,022 --> 00:11:48,337
- Voil?.�.
267
00:11:49,954 --> 00:11:51,277
- Levi, look at this thing, man.
268
00:11:51,719 --> 00:11:53,713
You see it got bite marks
all over it.
269
00:11:54,391 --> 00:11:56,682
- Any good chef
has to taste his creation.
270
00:11:56,844 --> 00:12:00,953
- That's rat shit
on the sandwich.
271
00:12:01,563 --> 00:12:03,122
- He did make
a sandwich, though.
272
00:12:03,205 --> 00:12:05,290
- Oh, hell, no.
I'm out.
273
00:12:05,374 --> 00:12:07,069
My dude, you need help.
274
00:12:09,118 --> 00:12:10,329
[Door closes]
275
00:12:10,412 --> 00:12:12,064
[Rat squeaking]
276
00:12:12,147 --> 00:12:15,446
Oh, well, Ratatouille,
another negative review.
277
00:12:17,219 --> 00:12:18,914
Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's Web.
278
00:12:23,579 --> 00:12:25,044
[Soul music]
279
00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:27,480
Has anybody been
racially profiled here?
280
00:12:27,837 --> 00:12:29,382
[Crowd shouting agreement]
- Yes.
281
00:12:29,465 --> 00:12:31,626
- Really?
- Yes. Yes!
282
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,419
- That's why we have
the glasses on, right?
283
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,688
No, I'm good.
I'm one of the nerdy ones here.
284
00:12:35,771 --> 00:12:37,568
Right here.
285
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:38,891
- Carry on. Carry on.
286
00:12:38,974 --> 00:12:41,093
- Being a black man,
it is scary, man.
287
00:12:41,176 --> 00:12:43,262
We can get thrown away
for just no reason.
288
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:44,305
- Yeah, yeah.
289
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,844
- Just be like,
I did what to who?
290
00:12:46,005 --> 00:12:48,415
Like, d...
but seriously now, what?
291
00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:49,917
What are the charges?
292
00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:51,937
- What did they get you for?
- I don't know.
293
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,006
They asked me
to come down to the station.
294
00:12:54,089 --> 00:12:55,274
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
295
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:56,576
- I was just...
- I came.
296
00:12:56,659 --> 00:12:58,578
I'm a fucking idiot.
- I know.
297
00:12:58,661 --> 00:13:00,165
Yeah.
298
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:02,248
- Are you... is there
any Muslim-Americans in the...
299
00:13:02,331 --> 00:13:03,916
[crowd cheers]
300
00:13:03,999 --> 00:13:05,618
- There we go. All right.
We're very pleased...
301
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,720
- You guys have it the worst
right now, though, right?
302
00:13:07,803 --> 00:13:09,789
They'll just look at your name
and see it's [gibberish].
303
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,133
"All right.
Fuck, you go."
304
00:13:21,079 --> 00:13:22,368
Look, Rajid,
305
00:13:22,451 --> 00:13:24,303
I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.
306
00:13:24,508 --> 00:13:26,305
I need names,
and you're gonna give 'em to me.
307
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,473
- You have to listen to me.
308
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,430
You have to listen to me.
309
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,834
This is all a huge mistake.
310
00:13:32,918 --> 00:13:34,383
- Bullshit!
311
00:13:36,198 --> 00:13:37,617
Department
of Homeland Security's
312
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,573
been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
313
00:13:40,657 --> 00:13:41,787
We got you.
314
00:13:41,870 --> 00:13:43,890
We know about you
and your friends.
315
00:13:44,344 --> 00:13:45,825
We know that you're a...
316
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:46,893
- Terrierist.
317
00:13:46,975 --> 00:13:49,665
I am a terrierist.
318
00:13:50,145 --> 00:13:52,932
We... me and my friends,
we breed dogs,
319
00:13:53,015 --> 00:13:54,634
specifically terriers.
320
00:13:54,717 --> 00:13:56,936
We write terrierist fiction.
321
00:13:57,019 --> 00:13:59,272
W-we spend a good deal of time
322
00:13:59,355 --> 00:14:02,108
discussing possible future
terrierist plots...
323
00:14:02,191 --> 00:14:03,508
[groans]
324
00:14:04,962 --> 00:14:06,312
- Hmm.
That's a nice try.
325
00:14:06,605 --> 00:14:07,937
Really is.
326
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,422
But it's bullshit, Rajid!
327
00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:14,008
Come on.
Is that the best you got?
328
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:15,588
Now, come on, I'm listening.
329
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:17,023
Just tell me.
Tell me.
330
00:14:17,285 --> 00:14:19,172
Tell me
about this imminent attack.
331
00:14:20,509 --> 00:14:21,994
- What? What?
What attack?
332
00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:23,362
I don't know
what you're talking about.
333
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,931
- What are you t...
What am I talking about?
334
00:14:25,014 --> 00:14:26,499
- I don't...
- I don't know, huh? Huh?
335
00:14:26,582 --> 00:14:27,867
I don't know
what you're talking about.
336
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,135
- I'm telling you...
- No, you don't know?
337
00:14:29,218 --> 00:14:31,037
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
338
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,243
June 11th, Rajid!
339
00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:34,941
You spoke of an imminent attack.
340
00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:36,208
- Oh, oh, yes. No.
341
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:37,610
Listen, that was my friend.
342
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:40,046
Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
343
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,647
- And I told him,
"If you do not train them"...
344
00:14:41,730 --> 00:14:44,116
- No.
- "Another terrier attack
345
00:14:44,199 --> 00:14:45,151
is imminent."
346
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:47,680
[Grunts, coughs]
347
00:14:48,899 --> 00:14:50,954
- So you lied,
and you see what happens?
348
00:14:51,485 --> 00:14:52,959
- I'm not...
I'm not lying to you.
349
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:54,860
- Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
350
00:14:54,943 --> 00:14:56,563
Let's be friends, huh?
351
00:14:57,469 --> 00:15:00,166
Now, you still haven't explained
to me why we found,
352
00:15:00,249 --> 00:15:02,635
on the search engine
of your computer,
353
00:15:02,718 --> 00:15:05,805
the words "Target Washington"
49 times.
354
00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:09,075
- That... that is because
I was in D.C. for a dog show,
355
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,377
and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,
356
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:13,846
and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.
357
00:15:13,929 --> 00:15:15,165
- All right.
358
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,716
- You can only
do that at Target.
359
00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:17,987
- Yeah, okay.
360
00:15:18,071 --> 00:15:19,485
I see how you wanna play this.
361
00:15:19,568 --> 00:15:21,087
Give me... give me this.
- [Groans]
362
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:24,757
- This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,
363
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,026
and you know it!
364
00:15:27,109 --> 00:15:29,729
We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar,
365
00:15:29,812 --> 00:15:32,732
where you're discussing
your hatred of American ideals.
366
00:15:32,815 --> 00:15:33,733
- No, no, idols.
367
00:15:33,816 --> 00:15:35,101
American idols!
368
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,436
I hate them.
They performed Danclng Queen.
369
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,906
It was a desecration to ABBA,
370
00:15:40,989 --> 00:15:43,088
my favorite band.
371
00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:45,544
- We got you on tape
referring to Jafar
372
00:15:45,627 --> 00:15:47,246
as one of the architects of...
373
00:15:47,329 --> 00:15:48,681
- 7-Eleven!
374
00:15:48,764 --> 00:15:51,350
It was 7-Eleven!
375
00:15:51,433 --> 00:15:56,509
Jafar... he designs
convenience stores.
376
00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:00,259
- 7-Eleven?
[Inhales sharply]
377
00:16:00,342 --> 00:16:01,961
Oh, shit.
378
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,631
- Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.
379
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,804
- Were they terriers?
380
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,201
- How did you know?
381
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:10,392
- Fuck!
382
00:16:10,486 --> 00:16:12,852
- Praise ABBA.
383
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,977
[Upbeat music]
384
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,945
- Welcome to Metta World News.
385
00:16:20,028 --> 00:16:22,715
In sports,
I'd rather eat my hand
386
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,431
than have my penis cut off.
387
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,219
I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,
388
00:16:27,302 --> 00:16:30,489
but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.
389
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,992
I know because I had a dream
where I did it.
390
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,060
It was horrible.
391
00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:35,705
I ate my whole hand.
392
00:16:36,044 --> 00:16:38,230
Now, that's what you call
rhetoric.
393
00:16:38,313 --> 00:16:39,999
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
394
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,735
for this Wednesday,
April hurricane slipknot.
395
00:16:42,818 --> 00:16:45,343
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
396
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:52,678
[Soul music]
397
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,813
- We go to the movies
together sometimes...
398
00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:56,115
- Yes.
- And we very often
399
00:16:56,198 --> 00:16:59,318
find ourselves
in these really annoying spots
400
00:16:59,401 --> 00:17:00,920
where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie...
401
00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:02,437
they can't remember a movie.
402
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,524
I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.
403
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:07,026
Talking about...
Hey, hey, man.
404
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,461
You know,
what's the girl's name?
405
00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:09,695
What's the girl's name?
406
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,597
You know...
- She does this?
407
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:12,765
She does this?
- She don't do this.
408
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:15,601
No, she, um... she on a boat.
409
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:16,702
And then the dude
is on the boat.
410
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,037
She's doing it... she doing it.
411
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,638
She got..."I will always...
in love"...
412
00:17:19,721 --> 00:17:21,373
- She says, "I will"...
- "I'm on the boat."
413
00:17:21,456 --> 00:17:22,508
- Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,
414
00:17:22,591 --> 00:17:23,709
Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.
415
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,512
- No! She's blonde.
- Oh, and... Oh, she blonde.
416
00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,114
She on the boat,
417
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,882
and then the shark...
Jaws, man. Jaws.
418
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,151
Talking about Jaws.
- No.
419
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,887
The boat sinks.
It crashes and sinks.
420
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,455
- What's it hitting?
- It sinks.
421
00:17:36,538 --> 00:17:38,357
It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.
422
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,693
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
423
00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:41,898
Frlday.
424
00:17:41,984 --> 00:17:44,741
- [Laughs]
425
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,201
- Damn, she was fly.
- She all right.
426
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:50,970
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?
427
00:17:51,054 --> 00:17:52,404
- Yeah. What?
428
00:17:52,487 --> 00:17:54,373
- Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?
429
00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:58,577
- Psh. See, that's exactly
what I've been asking myself.
430
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,868
- It don't make no sense.
- Why would you do it?
431
00:18:00,952 --> 00:18:02,414
- Why would you do that?
432
00:18:02,497 --> 00:18:04,750
Why would you try and mess
with the Batmans?
433
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,752
- It's futile.
- It is.
434
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,254
- Yo, remember,
Heath Ledgers tried to.
435
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,755
- Psh. I mean,
the Batmans got armor
436
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,090
and be knowing
some martial arts...
437
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,265
- [grunting]
438
00:18:13,408 --> 00:18:14,527
[Imitates bullets deflecting]
439
00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:15,761
- Don't work.
I got armor.
440
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,396
And then martial arts.
- Come on.
441
00:18:17,479 --> 00:18:19,198
- All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.
442
00:18:19,281 --> 00:18:20,266
- It's like, come on, man.
443
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:21,834
- I mean, come on, man.
Batman...
444
00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:24,203
- Why would you...
both: Mess with the Batmans?
445
00:18:24,286 --> 00:18:26,105
- That's what I'm saying, man.
446
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:27,506
- Oh, remember
when Danny DeVitos tried it?
447
00:18:27,589 --> 00:18:29,108
- Psh.
- Start walking around,
448
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:33,184
talking about...
[both squawking]
449
00:18:36,498 --> 00:18:38,139
Both:
Come on, man.
450
00:18:38,223 --> 00:18:41,353
- I mean, the Batmans is a
multibillionaire with a grudge.
451
00:18:41,436 --> 00:18:42,388
You're just
a little fat motherfucker
452
00:18:42,471 --> 00:18:43,889
in a tuxedo with a umbrella.
453
00:18:43,972 --> 00:18:45,791
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
454
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,460
- It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batmans.
455
00:18:48,543 --> 00:18:50,563
- No way. No way.
Out of the question, man.
456
00:18:50,646 --> 00:18:51,864
Jim Carreys, though.
457
00:18:51,947 --> 00:18:53,966
- Psh.
Jim Carreys, though.
458
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:55,568
- Jim Carreys.
- Come on.
459
00:18:55,651 --> 00:18:56,735
"Riddle me this.
460
00:18:56,818 --> 00:18:58,866
Riddle me that," mans.
461
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,540
How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?
462
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:02,575
- Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura...
463
00:19:02,658 --> 00:19:03,913
- Well played.
464
00:19:04,026 --> 00:19:06,045
- "Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."
465
00:19:06,128 --> 00:19:07,079
- [Imitates whip cracking]
466
00:19:07,162 --> 00:19:08,113
- Aah!
- Now, see.
467
00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:10,049
How are you supposed
to block a batarang
468
00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:12,718
from going in your butt
with a carefully crafted query?
469
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:14,753
- You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.
470
00:19:14,836 --> 00:19:16,755
- Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.
471
00:19:16,838 --> 00:19:18,424
- Michelle Pfeiffers.
- Michelle Pfeiffer.
472
00:19:18,507 --> 00:19:21,293
- Michelle Pfeiffers tried
to mess with the Batmans.
473
00:19:21,376 --> 00:19:23,462
Michelle Pfeiffers tried to mess
with the Batmans.
474
00:19:23,545 --> 00:19:24,930
- Michelle Pfeiffers.
475
00:19:25,013 --> 00:19:26,065
- Michelle Pfeiffers...
- Michelle Pfeiffers.
476
00:19:26,148 --> 00:19:27,566
- Tried to mess
with the Batman.
477
00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,235
- Michelle Pfeiffers.
- Michelle Pfeiffers.
478
00:19:29,318 --> 00:19:30,302
- Guess what,
Michelle Pfeiffers.
479
00:19:30,385 --> 00:19:31,604
You ain't a real cat!
480
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:33,339
- Come on.
I'll tell you one thing.
481
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,175
Ain't no way you gonna meows
with the Batman.
482
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,444
- But what about
Arnold Schwarzenegger, though?
483
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:39,478
What's Arnold Schwarzenegger
trying to do?
484
00:19:39,561 --> 00:19:40,613
- Come on, man.
485
00:19:40,696 --> 00:19:42,114
- What is
Arnold Schwarzenegger...
486
00:19:42,197 --> 00:19:43,949
Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
487
00:19:44,032 --> 00:19:45,918
- [Grunting]
- It should be in your triceps.
488
00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:47,286
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger...
489
00:19:47,369 --> 00:19:48,921
- You can't turn up the AC
490
00:19:49,004 --> 00:19:50,489
and think that's gonna mess
with the Batmans.
491
00:19:50,572 --> 00:19:51,857
- What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?
492
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,425
Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on.
493
00:19:53,508 --> 00:19:54,793
- Giving the Batmans a sniffle?
494
00:19:54,876 --> 00:19:56,495
- Man's talking
about bat lozenge.
495
00:19:56,578 --> 00:19:59,031
- And you were defeated.
Both: Come on, man.
496
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:00,633
- You know,
there is one person, though.
497
00:20:00,716 --> 00:20:02,268
- Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
498
00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:03,535
- There is one person
who could mess with the Batmans.
499
00:20:03,626 --> 00:20:04,773
- Here it comes right now.
500
00:20:04,857 --> 00:20:05,938
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
501
00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:07,273
- There's one person
who could...
502
00:20:07,356 --> 00:20:08,440
- Here it comes right now.
503
00:20:08,523 --> 00:20:11,343
- Did, and shall again mess
with the Batmans.
504
00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:12,878
- No, no, no.
- Whoo!
505
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,180
- Oh, here it comes.
- He trained the Batmans.
506
00:20:15,264 --> 00:20:17,717
He gave the Batmans his skills.
507
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,151
He's a mirror image
of the Batmans
508
00:20:19,234 --> 00:20:21,220
in fighting prowess.
509
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,898
I'm talking about...
both: Ra's al Ghul!
510
00:20:23,982 --> 00:20:25,224
- That's right, dog,
right there.
511
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:27,059
Talk about straight up
Ra's al Ghul,
512
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:30,663
played by the incomparable...
both: Liam Neesons.
513
00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:34,199
- So, even when we are talking
about the Batmans...
514
00:20:34,490 --> 00:20:40,443
both:
Liam Neesons is my shit
515
00:20:45,093 --> 00:20:46,845
[cheers and applause]
516
00:20:46,928 --> 00:20:48,580
- Praise ABBA!
517
00:20:48,663 --> 00:20:50,182
Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.
518
00:20:50,265 --> 00:20:51,750
Good night, guys.
519
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:54,825
[Cheers and applause]
520
00:20:57,272 --> 00:21:00,192
-
I'm gonna do
my one line here
521
00:21:00,275 --> 00:21:02,266
- Oh, yeah.
522
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,150
- Whitey Bulger's, like, 106.
- [Laughs]
523
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,948
- "Anybody could kill me
at any time."
524
00:21:09,032 --> 00:21:10,120
He doesn't care.
- Yeah.
525
00:21:10,204 --> 00:21:11,471
- Just dancing Irish jigs
in Boston.
526
00:21:11,555 --> 00:21:12,476
- Oh, my God.
527
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:14,245
Is that Whitey Bulger
or Ray Bolger?
528
00:21:14,329 --> 00:21:16,859
- [Laughs]
529
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,414
- I got him with that one.
Ripped By mstoll
530
00:21:19,498 --> 00:21:20,789
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
531
00:21:20,839 --> 00:21:25,389
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38302
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