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1
00:00:01,088 --> 00:00:02,918
The power of Christ
compels you!
2
00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,392
[bleep] your mother!
3
00:00:04,475 --> 00:00:05,821
The power of Christ
compels you!
4
00:00:06,237 --> 00:00:07,742
The power of Christ compels you!
5
00:00:07,825 --> 00:00:09,036
Your mother's in Hell!
6
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,128
The power of Christ
compels you!
7
00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:13,955
I'll suck your [bleep].
8
00:00:14,038 --> 00:00:17,797
Let me suck your [bleep],
mother[bleep].
9
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,529
Could you please
clear the room?
10
00:00:41,149 --> 00:00:45,135
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:46,920
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
12
00:00:48,031 --> 00:00:49,498
Yo!
13
00:00:53,369 --> 00:00:55,504
Thank you so much.
14
00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:57,857
That was scary...
15
00:00:58,214 --> 00:00:59,829
before it got offensive.
16
00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:03,223
Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
17
00:01:03,306 --> 00:01:05,228
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.
18
00:01:05,311 --> 00:01:06,550
Thanks for coming out.
19
00:01:07,710 --> 00:01:08,694
Thank you so much.
20
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,768
Happy Halloween, everybody.
21
00:01:09,851 --> 00:01:10,771
- Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.
22
00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:12,353
- This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.
23
00:01:12,436 --> 00:01:14,540
- Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
24
00:01:14,623 --> 00:01:16,879
Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.
25
00:01:16,963 --> 00:01:18,189
And there's
several different kinds.
26
00:01:18,272 --> 00:01:19,594
- There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.
27
00:01:19,677 --> 00:01:22,933
There's the kind where
there's little Asian children
28
00:01:23,023 --> 00:01:24,329
that sound like Penelope Cruz.
29
00:01:24,412 --> 00:01:25,631
Yup, yeah.
30
00:01:27,611 --> 00:01:29,180
Well, you know what?
My favorite...
31
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,891
My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.
32
00:01:31,974 --> 00:01:34,989
- Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,
33
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,940
I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.
34
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,825
I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,
35
00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:43,288
There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.
36
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,632
And 90% of them were
under the age of four.
37
00:01:48,563 --> 00:01:51,391
And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,
38
00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:54,024
like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,
39
00:01:54,107 --> 00:01:55,206
- at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.
40
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:58,683
Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."
41
00:01:58,766 --> 00:01:59,853
The entire mexican family,
42
00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:01,936
"Oh, no, [bleep] this.
We don't [bleep] with that."
43
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,660
- Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...
44
00:02:05,743 --> 00:02:07,828
Oh, come on, this is...
45
00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:09,250
This is ridiculous.
46
00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:11,470
They're all leaving,
the whole family.
47
00:02:11,553 --> 00:02:13,553
- This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.
48
00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:16,175
It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!
49
00:02:16,258 --> 00:02:18,288
Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?
50
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:22,622
Oh, here we go, we got more.
51
00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:24,801
Hey!
52
00:02:24,885 --> 00:02:27,380
What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.
53
00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:30,350
Yes. Fangs for coming.
54
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:32,813
Have a bloody good time.
55
00:02:32,896 --> 00:02:35,134
Awesome.
Oh! Oh.
56
00:02:35,217 --> 00:02:36,273
Hee-hee!
57
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:38,747
There he is.
What's up, Noah?
58
00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,658
Hee-hee!
- Michael Jackson.
59
00:02:40,741 --> 00:02:42,772
-
Hee-hee!
- Oh, here it is.
60
00:02:43,135 --> 00:02:45,125
-
Hee-hee!
- Yeah, that's what he does.
61
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,975
-
Hee-hee!
- That's Michael Jackson.
62
00:02:47,058 --> 00:02:48,309
-
Hee-hee!
- All right.
63
00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:51,224
-
Hee-ee hee!
- Great!
64
00:02:51,307 --> 00:02:52,559
- Ow!
- Nice.
65
00:02:52,642 --> 00:02:54,783
Ow! Sham!
- Oh, there we go.
66
00:02:54,866 --> 00:02:56,817
-
Sham!
- There we go.
67
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,304
-
Sham!
- All right, three's the charm.
68
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,310
-
Sham on!
- Four.
69
00:03:00,393 --> 00:03:01,210
- Ha!
- All right, well...
70
00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:04,433
- Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.
71
00:03:04,516 --> 00:03:05,864
- Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.
72
00:03:05,947 --> 00:03:07,901
- Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?
73
00:03:07,984 --> 00:03:10,516
You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.
74
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,202
- Very nice Ha!
-
Sham on!
75
00:03:12,717 --> 00:03:14,288
- Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!
76
00:03:14,371 --> 00:03:16,015
- More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!
77
00:03:16,098 --> 00:03:17,940
You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.
78
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:19,086
- You're really getting...
-
Sham on!
79
00:03:19,169 --> 00:03:20,365
No more "sham on" s.
80
00:03:20,448 --> 00:03:21,229
Hoo hoo!
81
00:03:21,312 --> 00:03:22,272
You want to come inside?
82
00:03:25,717 --> 00:03:28,000
That's annoying.
That is very annoy...
83
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,913
Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.
84
00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:31,941
Ha!
85
00:03:32,024 --> 00:03:33,676
Yo! Sham on!
- Great.
86
00:03:33,759 --> 00:03:35,343
Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...
87
00:03:35,426 --> 00:03:36,914
Where the children at?
Hee! Hee!
88
00:03:36,997 --> 00:03:38,271
- "Where the children at?"
-
Jesus juice
89
00:03:38,354 --> 00:03:39,592
- That's in bad taste.
- Ho!
90
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,058
This isn't...
91
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,462
I don't even know what that is.
92
00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:47,629
Thriller eyes.
93
00:03:47,713 --> 00:03:49,817
-
Sham on!
- What... what are you doing?
94
00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:52,217
-
Jam it on! Jam it on!
- No, you're cut of sham ons.
95
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,846
I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!
96
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,386
He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...
97
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:58,902
- Okay.
-
nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah...
98
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,492
-
Nah-nah
- No, he doesn't...
99
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,079
I've never seen him
hit his ass...
100
00:04:02,162 --> 00:04:04,770
- Hey. But no...
- O-oh!
101
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,876
Hey... can we just... hey...
102
00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:08,180
Hey, man...
103
00:04:08,263 --> 00:04:10,614
Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!
104
00:04:11,675 --> 00:04:13,330
The [bleep] costume's
awful,
105
00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,166
The impression is stupid
and played out,
106
00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,775
Everybody and their mother
was Michael Jackson
107
00:04:16,859 --> 00:04:18,493
three years ago when he died!
108
00:04:26,295 --> 00:04:27,424
He died?
109
00:04:28,158 --> 00:04:30,691
- Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?
110
00:04:30,774 --> 00:04:31,940
Oh, Noah.
111
00:04:33,184 --> 00:04:34,599
Oh, Noah...
112
00:04:34,682 --> 00:04:36,101
Boo hoo
113
00:04:36,184 --> 00:04:38,018
What?
No, wait... wait a second.
114
00:04:38,459 --> 00:04:40,506
Don't sad-moonwalk away.
115
00:04:40,589 --> 00:04:41,640
Mm, boo hoo
116
00:04:41,723 --> 00:04:44,478
- You know what? Let...
-
Boo hoo!
117
00:04:44,561 --> 00:04:45,861
Happy Halloween.
118
00:04:50,998 --> 00:04:52,075
All right, listen up.
119
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,348
Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.
120
00:04:54,431 --> 00:04:55,864
- Okay.
- Stay close.
121
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,283
I'll get you out of here.
122
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,619
Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!
123
00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:10,516
They got Brad! They got Brad!
124
00:05:10,599 --> 00:05:12,600
Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!
125
00:05:12,684 --> 00:05:14,057
Okay? We're still alive.
126
00:05:14,141 --> 00:05:15,771
- Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.
127
00:05:15,854 --> 00:05:16,357
Yeah, okay.
128
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,354
We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.
129
00:05:36,393 --> 00:05:37,950
We gotta go through 'em.
130
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,801
Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.
131
00:05:41,462 --> 00:05:42,620
Go!
132
00:05:53,508 --> 00:05:55,907
- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?
133
00:05:56,131 --> 00:05:58,372
All right, let's go.
Let's go.
134
00:05:59,904 --> 00:06:01,742
This is crazy.
135
00:06:05,944 --> 00:06:07,882
- What?
- Um...
136
00:06:12,104 --> 00:06:14,148
- Oh.
- Ain't that some [bleep]?
137
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:17,174
These are some racist
mother-[bleep] zombies!
138
00:06:17,257 --> 00:06:18,795
Why would you even
lock the door?
139
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,375
I mean, the window's broken,
and...
140
00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:23,332
Oh! Oh, hell, no.
141
00:06:23,415 --> 00:06:24,594
- That's...
- No, no, no.
142
00:06:27,992 --> 00:06:30,444
- Oh, come on!
- What is that?
143
00:06:30,528 --> 00:06:32,221
They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.
144
00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:33,872
- That's...
- Hey, guys.
145
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:35,758
Isn't this great?
146
00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:38,390
These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.
147
00:06:38,878 --> 00:06:40,367
Come on,
we're having a party.
148
00:06:44,790 --> 00:06:46,357
The beer is here!
149
00:06:48,626 --> 00:06:50,883
And look who I brought.
Come on, man.
150
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,758
You like Harry Potter movies,
right?
151
00:07:13,841 --> 00:07:16,198
I do like...
putting me on blast.
152
00:07:16,281 --> 00:07:18,170
- Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...
153
00:07:18,254 --> 00:07:19,780
- Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...
154
00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:21,633
Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?
155
00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:22,990
Never read a book,
never seen a movie.
156
00:07:23,073 --> 00:07:24,880
- Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.
157
00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,885
- You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?
158
00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,178
Mm, my friend.
159
00:07:28,713 --> 00:07:33,003
My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.
160
00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:35,843
Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?
161
00:07:35,926 --> 00:07:36,877
That's... oh.
162
00:07:36,979 --> 00:07:39,002
- That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.
163
00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:40,441
No, you would love it.
164
00:07:40,524 --> 00:07:42,338
You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...
165
00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,644
- I don't think so.
- You... look, Hufflepuff.
166
00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:47,139
[bleep] Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.
167
00:07:47,223 --> 00:07:49,624
- Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.
168
00:07:49,707 --> 00:07:51,550
Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?
169
00:07:53,369 --> 00:07:55,496
Okay, but do I look
in the camera?
170
00:07:55,579 --> 00:07:57,271
No? Oh, at you?
All right.
171
00:07:57,885 --> 00:08:00,553
Like on television,
all right.
172
00:08:06,315 --> 00:08:07,483
Now, knock it off!
173
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:10,790
All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull[bleep]!
174
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,194
God damn!
I told you they was rotten.
175
00:08:17,223 --> 00:08:21,563
I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,
176
00:08:21,652 --> 00:08:25,238
Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...
177
00:08:25,726 --> 00:08:27,377
This station's
just a formality, but...
178
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:30,290
Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.
179
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,821
Stuff... we don't have
to show them that.
180
00:08:32,905 --> 00:08:34,639
Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.
181
00:08:34,737 --> 00:08:37,609
Why?
But I ask again, why?
182
00:08:37,692 --> 00:08:39,956
One out of five girls
in this school
183
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,947
is pregnant with a demon baby!
184
00:08:42,044 --> 00:08:43,129
- Well...
- One out of five!
185
00:08:43,212 --> 00:08:45,334
- Okay.
- ***
186
00:08:45,532 --> 00:08:47,267
The babies are evil,
187
00:08:47,462 --> 00:08:50,494
But the mothers,
they're good kids.
188
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,687
As we say at Clortho's,
189
00:08:52,771 --> 00:08:55,304
"There's never a portal
that cannot be opened
190
00:08:55,387 --> 00:08:57,807
"with ingenuity and respect."
191
00:08:58,969 --> 00:08:59,852
Now...
192
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,461
How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,
193
00:09:04,558 --> 00:09:07,478
when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?
194
00:09:07,562 --> 00:09:09,029
Dime bag of pixie dust.
195
00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:10,362
Contraband.
196
00:09:10,446 --> 00:09:11,721
See, here's the thing,
197
00:09:11,804 --> 00:09:13,912
The kids know
that the only way to fly...
198
00:09:13,995 --> 00:09:16,454
- Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.
199
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,400
Get your ass
out my office.
200
00:09:18,511 --> 00:09:20,946
I will turn you
into a spider!
201
00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:23,068
They're good kids.
202
00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:24,502
Hogwarts and Clortho's,
203
00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:26,872
Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,
204
00:09:26,955 --> 00:09:29,774
The best top two
wizarding schools there are.
205
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,182
But you know,
out of these two schools,
206
00:09:32,265 --> 00:09:33,402
we each have a strike.
207
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,892
We do score a little bit lower
on standardized tests
208
00:09:36,975 --> 00:09:40,720
than Hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.
209
00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:43,935
We may not have
a huge endowment
210
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:46,049
like they get
over at Hogwarts,
211
00:09:46,132 --> 00:09:48,386
and yes, some of the teachers
have to buy
212
00:09:48,469 --> 00:09:50,500
their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...
213
00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:52,074
One kid got transformed
into a cat.
214
00:09:52,157 --> 00:09:53,662
They can't even afford
to change him back.
215
00:09:53,745 --> 00:09:55,412
This young man's name
is Jamar.
216
00:09:55,715 --> 00:09:58,037
Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this
217
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,787
when they're in human form,
218
00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:03,701
But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.
219
00:10:04,549 --> 00:10:05,909
Sports.
220
00:10:05,992 --> 00:10:07,586
Everybody loves sports.
221
00:10:07,669 --> 00:10:08,635
- It's true.
- Not everybody.
222
00:10:08,718 --> 00:10:10,175
The hallways are a-bluster
223
00:10:10,258 --> 00:10:12,168
with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.
224
00:10:12,251 --> 00:10:14,110
Half the team
is back here riding mops.
225
00:10:14,193 --> 00:10:15,704
We got two little [bleep]
on Swiffers.
226
00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:16,751
Lester!
227
00:10:17,603 --> 00:10:21,438
When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...
228
00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,096
uh, say... This mother...
229
00:10:25,302 --> 00:10:27,007
Sometimes the kids
think it's cute
230
00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:28,861
To turn themselves
into a rat,
231
00:10:29,511 --> 00:10:30,836
sneak into my office,
232
00:10:30,918 --> 00:10:31,997
Play a little joke on me.
233
00:10:32,081 --> 00:10:33,861
Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?
234
00:10:33,944 --> 00:10:35,666
No,
that's an actual rat.
235
00:10:36,842 --> 00:10:38,831
So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.
236
00:10:38,914 --> 00:10:39,823
- Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,
237
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:40,725
and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.
238
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:41,696
- Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.
239
00:10:41,779 --> 00:10:43,071
- I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?
240
00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:44,245
We got a new receptionist
at work.
241
00:10:44,328 --> 00:10:45,683
- Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...
242
00:10:45,766 --> 00:10:47,859
I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...
243
00:10:47,942 --> 00:10:49,171
- Yeah... oh,
she said something to you?
244
00:10:49,254 --> 00:10:51,224
She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,
245
00:10:51,308 --> 00:10:53,876
"Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."
246
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,248
She said that to you?
247
00:10:55,331 --> 00:10:57,719
Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.
248
00:10:57,802 --> 00:10:59,566
She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!
249
00:10:59,649 --> 00:11:03,589
No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,
250
00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:05,572
She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.
251
00:11:05,655 --> 00:11:06,697
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,
252
00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:08,534
- I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?
253
00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:10,314
She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the door
254
00:11:10,397 --> 00:11:12,379
with, like, a package under her arm.
255
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,416
- Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.
256
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,613
And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,
257
00:11:16,762 --> 00:11:19,107
"Um, excuse me,
I think the postman
258
00:11:19,191 --> 00:11:21,944
dropped this package off
at my house by accident."
259
00:11:22,027 --> 00:11:23,490
- She said that to you?
- Yeah.
260
00:11:23,573 --> 00:11:24,886
- Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,
261
00:11:24,969 --> 00:11:26,700
I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is
262
00:11:26,783 --> 00:11:28,080
nutburgers-McLooneytunes,
263
00:11:28,163 --> 00:11:30,240
stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.
264
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,865
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!
265
00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:33,573
- Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?
266
00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:35,526
- The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.
267
00:11:35,609 --> 00:11:37,572
- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
268
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,186
- Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,
269
00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:41,623
and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."
270
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,675
She smiled at you like that?
271
00:11:44,758 --> 00:11:46,801
- How crazy is that?
- That's, like...
272
00:11:46,884 --> 00:11:48,907
That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
273
00:11:48,990 --> 00:11:51,590
Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.
274
00:11:51,673 --> 00:11:53,247
No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,
275
00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,755
that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,
276
00:11:55,838 --> 00:11:59,092
or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray!
277
00:11:59,175 --> 00:12:02,302
Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."
278
00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:03,254
Hey!
279
00:12:03,977 --> 00:12:05,878
You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?
280
00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:09,252
- Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?
281
00:12:09,402 --> 00:12:11,745
- Oh, Channing!
- (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing!
282
00:12:11,828 --> 00:12:13,103
Channing,
what are you doing in a van?
283
00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:15,163
This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.
284
00:12:15,246 --> 00:12:16,700
- Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?
285
00:12:16,783 --> 00:12:18,932
Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?
286
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,525
Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.
287
00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:22,763
- I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.
288
00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:24,550
Is that a meat hook?
289
00:12:32,578 --> 00:12:34,226
You guys know what the
human centipede is?
290
00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:35,339
Human centipede?
291
00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:36,295
Yeah.
You guys?
292
00:12:36,378 --> 00:12:37,554
Some of you don't?
Some people don't.
293
00:12:37,637 --> 00:12:39,328
There's this movie
called Human Centipede.
294
00:12:39,411 --> 00:12:41,638
It's the most [bleep] up
horror movie ever.
295
00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:42,961
Ever made.
Ever made, ever.
296
00:12:43,045 --> 00:12:45,243
And what happens, basically,
three people
297
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:48,243
and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.
298
00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:50,070
- Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...
299
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,453
To the next person's mouth.
300
00:12:52,714 --> 00:12:56,240
And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...
301
00:12:56,504 --> 00:12:58,358
And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,
302
00:12:58,441 --> 00:12:59,946
It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.
303
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:00,958
She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...
304
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:01,944
You don't want
to open your...
305
00:13:02,027 --> 00:13:03,123
No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.
306
00:13:05,511 --> 00:13:07,996
So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.
307
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,991
- On planet Earth, in real life,
308
00:13:10,074 --> 00:13:12,129
somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.
309
00:13:12,212 --> 00:13:13,380
- Yeah.
- "Let me see.
310
00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,466
"I think you'll like
everything I've done there.
311
00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:17,368
- "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.
312
00:13:17,452 --> 00:13:19,813
"Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,
313
00:13:20,112 --> 00:13:21,916
"this should make
millions of dollars."
314
00:13:24,999 --> 00:13:26,792
- I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.
315
00:13:26,875 --> 00:13:28,709
- Okay.
- See you in a second.
316
00:13:34,496 --> 00:13:35,873
Buddy!
317
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:39,235
Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.
318
00:13:39,342 --> 00:13:41,525
My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,
319
00:13:41,608 --> 00:13:43,878
and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.
320
00:13:43,961 --> 00:13:46,204
You don't even recognize me,
do you?
321
00:13:46,287 --> 00:13:48,172
No. No, I d... I don't...
I don't know you.
322
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:50,309
We were in
that human centipede together!
323
00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:52,535
I said,
I do not know you.
324
00:13:52,618 --> 00:13:55,623
Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientist
325
00:13:55,706 --> 00:13:58,335
who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.
326
00:13:58,418 --> 00:13:59,736
There were three of us,
I was in the middle,
327
00:13:59,819 --> 00:14:01,583
you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.
328
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,521
Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!
329
00:14:03,604 --> 00:14:04,808
Okay, yes, I remember!
330
00:14:05,082 --> 00:14:07,933
And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.
331
00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:09,503
Probably should've said
you put it behind me,
332
00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:11,303
If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.
333
00:14:11,386 --> 00:14:13,078
Sorry!
You already caught my drift.
334
00:14:13,161 --> 00:14:14,577
I'm sorry!
That's it.
335
00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:15,747
It was right there
in front of me.
336
00:14:15,830 --> 00:14:17,464
- Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.
337
00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:18,996
I guess it was right there
in front of you.
338
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,083
That's it.
I'm sorry.
339
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,833
How are you doing?
How are you?
340
00:14:23,917 --> 00:14:25,481
Is there something else
I can help you with?
341
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,206
- Um... oh!
- Hey, [bleep] eater.
342
00:14:27,289 --> 00:14:29,431
- No [bleep] way!
- Hey!
343
00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:32,003
- Front man!
- this is a [bleep] nightmare.
344
00:14:32,086 --> 00:14:33,206
Hey, Back man.
Back man!
345
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,846
No, don't call me that.
346
00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:36,012
- Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.
347
00:14:36,095 --> 00:14:37,182
No!
348
00:14:37,265 --> 00:14:39,465
Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?
349
00:14:39,669 --> 00:14:40,915
Nice one!
350
00:14:40,998 --> 00:14:42,886
- Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?
351
00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:46,152
- Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!
352
00:14:46,235 --> 00:14:48,655
You know, we all shared
the same experience.
353
00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:51,349
No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody [bleep] in his mouth!
354
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,322
That is true.
355
00:14:52,405 --> 00:14:55,512
- Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm [bleep].
356
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,334
Okay.
357
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:59,510
- But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?
358
00:14:59,593 --> 00:15:01,784
I mean.
We were in the same boat.
359
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:03,697
Nope, you two
were in the same boat.
360
00:15:03,780 --> 00:15:05,499
You both [bleep]
in someone's mouth.
361
00:15:05,582 --> 00:15:07,245
I didn't get to [bleep]
in anyone's mouth!
362
00:15:07,328 --> 00:15:07,881
"Get to"?
363
00:15:07,964 --> 00:15:09,640
When do I get to [bleep]
in anybody's mouth, huh?
364
00:15:09,723 --> 00:15:12,339
When do I get to [bleep]
in somebody's mouth?
365
00:15:12,422 --> 00:15:15,433
- Steven!
- Hon... I... No.
366
00:15:16,022 --> 00:15:18,895
These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.
367
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:20,364
You...
368
00:15:20,476 --> 00:15:22,110
Oh, you're disgusted?
369
00:15:22,285 --> 00:15:23,854
You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?
370
00:15:23,937 --> 00:15:26,480
Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.
371
00:15:26,663 --> 00:15:29,165
Once again,
I'm the asshole.
372
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,382
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
373
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,957
Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaos
374
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,522
of a presidential campaign,
375
00:15:41,616 --> 00:15:44,308
It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...
376
00:15:44,391 --> 00:15:45,290
This is it!
377
00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:47,110
Armageddon!
378
00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:49,843
I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!
379
00:15:49,926 --> 00:15:53,432
Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!
380
00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:57,693
This is
my anger translator, Luther,
381
00:15:57,777 --> 00:16:00,046
Who... I thought
had the day off.
382
00:16:00,873 --> 00:16:02,696
What the [bleep] are you
doing here, Luther?
383
00:16:05,116 --> 00:16:07,861
Anyway,
I think that everybody
384
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,199
needs to take a moment
to appreciate
385
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,908
that our political system
truly works.
386
00:16:12,996 --> 00:16:16,459
Unless Romney wins,
and then the [bleep] is broke!
387
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:20,242
And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's
388
00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,737
always a place
for civil discourse.
389
00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:24,962
As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around
390
00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,079
so you can counteract
all the negative ads.
391
00:16:27,255 --> 00:16:28,782
Hey, Romney and Karl Rove
392
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:31,990
and all you evil mother[bleep]
with your slimy-ass super PACs,
393
00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:34,764
Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.
394
00:16:34,847 --> 00:16:37,956
Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.
395
00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,191
Uhh!
396
00:16:41,881 --> 00:16:43,533
And you know what,
after I win this?
397
00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:45,617
I'm taking all y'all down.
398
00:16:46,626 --> 00:16:47,478
Thank you,
399
00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:49,701
And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.
400
00:16:49,893 --> 00:16:51,759
And when you give me
your babies to kiss,
401
00:16:51,867 --> 00:16:54,068
please clean they diapers,
all right?
402
00:16:54,157 --> 00:16:56,057
'Cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!
403
00:16:56,212 --> 00:16:58,019
Just wash they ass.
404
00:16:58,615 --> 00:17:00,534
You know,
just wash their ass.
405
00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:03,987
It's true.
You should wash their ass.
406
00:17:16,155 --> 00:17:19,529
How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...
407
00:17:19,612 --> 00:17:20,262
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
408
00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,953
A black person
has got to have special powers?
409
00:17:23,037 --> 00:17:24,813
Yeah,
Green Mile.
410
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,335
And the mouse is alive.
411
00:17:26,418 --> 00:17:27,660
- Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
412
00:17:27,743 --> 00:17:29,586
Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.
413
00:17:29,669 --> 00:17:30,950
- That's right.
- You know what I mean?
414
00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:31,823
It's just, like...
415
00:17:31,906 --> 00:17:33,428
Bees coming out
of this mother-[bleep] mouth.
416
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,196
- Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
417
00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:36,917
And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...
418
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,564
She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.
419
00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:41,179
Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.
420
00:17:41,263 --> 00:17:43,438
- That's... oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
421
00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:45,045
- I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.
422
00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:46,713
So I can meet
all these magical black people.
423
00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:48,993
That is where magical
black people go to retire.
424
00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:50,631
I-I... yeah, right...
oh, okay.
425
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,623
So your office is
all the way down at the end.
426
00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:58,357
You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.
427
00:17:58,726 --> 00:18:01,318
Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?
428
00:18:01,401 --> 00:18:04,053
- Hey.
- Ah, hello there.
429
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:06,865
What's up, dude?
430
00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:10,710
Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.
431
00:18:10,794 --> 00:18:15,089
- So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.
432
00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:16,904
- Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?
433
00:18:16,988 --> 00:18:18,961
It's the Shining, man.
434
00:18:19,045 --> 00:18:20,979
All black people
have the Shining.
435
00:18:21,114 --> 00:18:23,386
You never shined with
another black person before?
436
00:18:23,489 --> 00:18:26,473
No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.
437
00:18:26,556 --> 00:18:29,382
I've met other black people before,
but not like this.
438
00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:32,714
You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,
439
00:18:32,797 --> 00:18:35,498
and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.
440
00:18:37,755 --> 00:18:39,267
What up, dudes?
441
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:43,379
So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?
442
00:18:43,462 --> 00:18:44,518
Yo, what up?
443
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,086
Wow! Denzel Washington?
444
00:18:46,169 --> 00:18:49,853
I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.
445
00:18:49,952 --> 00:18:52,730
- Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!
446
00:18:52,813 --> 00:18:55,337
Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.
447
00:18:56,017 --> 00:18:57,790
I'm glad to have you
on board.
448
00:18:57,956 --> 00:19:01,292
Oh, [bleep]!
What's up, Barack Obama?
449
00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:04,017
Ahem!
450
00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:08,648
Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?
451
00:19:10,172 --> 00:19:12,342
Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.
452
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,459
Man, you gotta be more careful.
453
00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:18,220
Learn to use the Shining.
454
00:19:18,304 --> 00:19:19,730
Tune in and out of it.
455
00:19:19,874 --> 00:19:22,660
Otherwise you won't be able
to sort out who's talking.
456
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,544
And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...
457
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:27,029
- Just give me the basketball!
- ...on this goddamn plane!
458
00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:29,379
Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?
459
00:19:29,479 --> 00:19:30,463
Leo, what are you doing?
460
00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,698
Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.
461
00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:35,540
Women dig chocolate!
462
00:19:35,977 --> 00:19:37,074
Is everything okay?
463
00:19:37,157 --> 00:19:40,370
Ray! Listen for Morgan.
464
00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:43,960
Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.
465
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,338
Listen to my voice, Ray.
466
00:19:46,888 --> 00:19:50,699
Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.
467
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,402
Everything's going to be okay.
468
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:57,839
Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.
469
00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:03,226
Now, pick up that letter opener,
470
00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:07,449
and kill
that white man.
471
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,411
Have an amazing Halloween.
472
00:20:13,736 --> 00:20:15,815
- Uh, we are not going...
-
Hee-ya!
473
00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:19,423
Oh, sham on!
474
00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:23,993
- Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!
475
00:20:24,479 --> 00:20:25,913
Close to your face!
- No, don't.
476
00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:27,616
We're not doing that.
477
00:20:28,365 --> 00:20:30,503
Sham on!
478
00:20:30,587 --> 00:20:33,696
Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!
479
00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:35,520
Sham on!
480
00:20:35,604 --> 00:20:37,394
Ah! Ha!
481
00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:42,898
Close to your face!
- No! All right.
482
00:20:43,070 --> 00:20:44,388
Look at him,
he looks like...
483
00:20:44,471 --> 00:20:46,503
you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burnt.
484
00:20:49,085 --> 00:20:50,800
- Good night,
everybody!
485
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:57,543
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
486
00:20:57,750 --> 00:21:00,229
I'm gonna do my one line here
487
00:21:00,729 --> 00:21:02,552
Oh, yeah!
488
00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:04,377
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
489
00:21:05,293 --> 00:21:07,074
- These girls over there.
- These two girls
490
00:21:07,176 --> 00:21:10,121
are-- she's crying.
She's crying right now.
491
00:21:10,192 --> 00:21:12,449
Don't wipe away that-- don't!
No!
492
00:21:12,997 --> 00:21:14,199
Hey, it's cool!
493
00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:18,743
People will actually think we're funny!
494
00:21:18,793 --> 00:21:23,343
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37445
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