All language subtitles for Community.S01E05.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

PELTON [OVER PA]: Good morning.
This is your dean reminding you

that among your school's
prestigious alumni

is Mr. Luis Guzmén.

Celebrated actor and model
Puerto Rican-American.

This Friday,
we will be dedicating

a statue of Guzman,

and unveiling
our brand-new school song.

So, boy, I don't know about you,

but this sure feels like
a real college to me.

PELTON [OVER SPEAKERS]: Green
dale, Green dale, Green dale.

[EXPLOSION OVER SPEAKERS]

Ah. Jeff, Jeff, good morning.

How is student life,
my dry-witted friend?

Probably the same
as teacher life,

but less tragic
because I get to leave.

Very dry, very witty,
not a great friend.

Listen, I wanted to ask you

about that young lady
in your Spanish class.

You know, the blond
with the pouty,

strident
Cate Blanchett sexuality

and the ridiculous name.

Britta.
That's it. That's it.

Imagine living with that.
Can you imagine? Unbelievable.

Anyway, um,
are you two an item?

And if so, would that item
be impervious to sabotage?

You know, you have
the savoir-faire of a hyena.

How is it that you and James
Bond come from the same island?

Message received. I'll just wait
for you to finish striking out.

Cheers.
M*A*S*H.

Fawlty Towers, game over.
Have a nice day.

You think Luis Guzmén
will come to visit his statue?

If so, I'd like to ask
about his movie choices.

Particularly Carlito's Way,
The Cowboy Way,

The Hard Way and Q&A.

Yeah. Luis Guzmén is on
a private jet from Hollywood

because he can't wait to have
that conversation with you.

How does he know about me?

Because he called me
on my cell phone.

Why would a movie actor
call you?

You don't know?
No.

I'm President Obama's nephew.

You never mentioned that.

I didn't know
if I could trust you,

but now it's time
to tell you everything.

Starting with me inventing
the Ferrari.

So I guess
the cell phone number

you put on the study group's
contact sheet was fake.

Which I just learned
in the awkward conclusion

of a month-long
text-message affair

with a dude from Boulder.
Sorry.

That's okay.
Give me your number.

I'll cleanse my palate

while Kevin
rethinks his marriage.

If you promise

not to use it in any
other context than friendship.

Uh-- Pass.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Star-Burns, that means you.

My name's Alex, dude.

You should spend five hours
sculpting that in your face.

Last night I graded your tests.

I'm sure you wanna know
how you did.

MAN: Yes.
Well, I'm not gonna tell you

until I find out who did this:

What is that?

It's a tiny piece of paper,
okay? That's all it is.

A tiny piece of paper

containing all the information
covered on the test.

Otherwise known
as a crib sheet.

Who did it, huh?

Mary Ann?

Grandpa?

Jackée? Kumar?

There's one Asian stereotype
that does apply to me.

Whoever did this
insulted my honor.

And they've got 24 hours
to come forward

or Mr. Miyagi here
will wax off everyone's score

and the whole class gets a zero.

Except you, Toby.

Fllm me $7.4 (Erma
j. 447m Imam: 9.3226;

J“ I can't count the reasons J“

J“ I should stay J“

The only difference
between Senor Chang and Stalin

is that I know
who Sefior Chang is.

You hear him
call me Jackée

like I'm some
black female caricature?

If the good Lord
hadn't been watching,

I'd have slapped him
upside the head.

Who do you guys think cheated?

Flattering,
but if I'm gonna cheat,

I'm not gonna write information
from a book onto paper.

That's practically learning,
for God's sake.

Whoever made that crib sheet
wasn't a real cheater,

just insecure and naive.

I may be naive,
but I'm not stupid.

Well, I may be stupid,

but I'm not trying
to look like I'm not.

Well, I may be a genius,
but I'm not a lesbian.

[SCOFFS]

BRITTA:
Who cares who made it?

The only real cheater
is the guy

who's threatening
everyone with a zero.

You're right.
It's so unfair.

I can't handle this
kind of stress right now.

I'm overwhelmed by my duties
on the school song committee.

Are you a musician?
Ew. No.

I hired a local composer,
but he's quite a handful.

Well, I guess that's
your fault, isn't it?

It is?

You got an accomplished pianist
and songwriter

sitting three feet
away from you.

I wrote the jingle
for Hawthorne Wipes towelettes.

I would've done your song
for free.

Smooth move, Metamucil.

Troy could do the school song.
Troy invented rap music.

He's related to Danny Glover
and Obama.

Abed, have you been racist
this whole time

while I'm telling everybody
at church

what a sweet
little caramel angel you are?

Hey man,
that stuff I said this morning

wasn't true.
I was just messing.

You were lying?
Yeah, as a joke.

You never had somebody
mess with you before?

Yes, just kidding.
No, like that?

This isn't a table.

Ha-ha-ha!
That's funny.

Remember when we used
to study Spanish?

Um

Pierce.
Yo.

I talked to the dean
and he said you can write

Greendale's school song.
That's more like it.

You know, the statue dedication
is this Friday,

so you have to have it
it done by then.

This Friday? This Friday?

If that's not enough time--

No. You really
don't know much about genius?

Yes, I can do it by Friday.
Great.

There's a piano
in the rehearsal space

and I'll help you out
however I can.

You're gonna do an awesome job.
I know!

So this is

the last chance for the cheater
to be an adult

and face la musica

or everyone fails.
No.

You've got 10 seconds,
starting now.

Um

No!

I've never gotten
a zero before.

I did it.
Britta?

Wow. You really took
your sweet time with that one.

How dare you
terrorize a class

by threatening their grades?
It's not easy

to get human beings
to turn on each other.

Turn on her.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Real mature.
God, Britta.

That's right, we are mature.

Too mature to sit in a class

with a cheating,
lying, poop face.

Okay, time to learn
some formal greetings.

80 wow.

Yeah,
I bet you're enjoying this.

Yeah, well,
when we first met,

like, you were up here
and I was here.

And now...

Oh, wait, I gave a quarter
to a dirty bum today.

What do you think
they're gonna do to me?

Well, we're not gonna buy you
an ice cream.

Hi, Dean Pelton.

Quite an entrance
I got to make there.

You would be Britta Perry?
I just spoke with Sefior Chang.

And I'm afraid Green dale

takes this kind of thing
very seriously.

Much like a university would.

Your case will be reviewed

by disciplinary tribunal
tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

You could be facing expulsion.

Isn't Borchart Hall the pool?

There is an Olympic-sized
pool there, yes.

But we will be next to it,
using its

$6000 judge's table.

Uh, is she allowed
to have counsel?

I mean, I may not be
a practicing lawyer anymore,

but relative to this place,
I'm Alan Dershowitz.

Oh. Okay, ouch.

If you'd like,
you may represent her.

Dean you later.

I'm not gonna sit
while some hokey tribunal

gets its jollies judging me.

Hey, if you show up with me,
follow my lead,

and deny everything,
you'll walk.

That's the Winger guarantee.
I get it.

You think you're gonna save my
bacon using your lawyer powers

and send me into fits
of grateful arousal.

I can neither confirm
nor deny that.

See how good I am?

Hey, Troy, did you hear?

All dogs are blue now.

Every single dog in the world
is blue.

[LAUGHS]

I'm just messing with you.
Yeah. I know.

But let me explain to you

a few things about how this works.
Okay.

First of all,
I cannot be got.

Because I am not
gullible like you.

Secondly,
you are not good at this,

because you are not believable
in your face, okay?

Your face?
Yeah?

It's bad. Um--
Okay.

Also, you gotta ride the line
between believable and--

What are you writing in?
It's a notepad.

Yeah, but what-- What language?
It's probably Arabic.

Um

[ABED BABBLING]

All right, uh, I am convening
this disciplinary tribunal

at our state-of-the-art
judge's table.

Which has its own built-in
sound system.

So take that, Yale.

Ourjudges include, uh, myself,
Dean Craig Pelton.

Professor Ian Duncan.

Professor Ben Chang.

Uh, no, you're a teacher,
you're not a professor.

Well, maybe because
I don't look like Ron Weasley.

That's the difference,
that's the qualifying factor.

Gentlemen, point of order.

How can Sefior Chang
be one of the judges?

He's the one accusing my client.

You got Prince Charles over here
as your drinking buddy.

DUNCAN:
Oh, got me.

Well, it sounds like there are
two biases, one on each side.

And I go both ways.
Oh, let's strike that.

LaShonda,
can we please strike that?

I am impartial,

so it should all work out.
Okay, let's begin.

Fine. Uh, the tribunal
calls teacher Chang.

Okay, just keep it
up, Frost/Nixon.

I was planning on doing that.
Cleared my whole day.

Uh, Mr. Chang,

could you remind us
of the events of yesterday?

Oh, with great pleasure.
It was a Tuesday,

uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 am.

I got up,
I took my morning deuce.

I made a breakfast
consisting of--

J“ Green dale, Green dale J“

J“ Slop pail-- J“

Oh, man. Green, green, green.

J“ Green dale isn't a slop pail J“

[SIGHS]

Hi. I'm almost done.

Oh, good.

You can tell the dean
you will have a song

that'll make the devil
poop God's pants.

That's exciting.

Mind if I hear
what you got so far?

Well, yeah, sure, I, uh--

I'll probably open
with something like this. Uh--

[PLAYS PIANO]

You know, a note like that.
And end with a note like that.

The words, I can't tell you.

You know,
the rest is really a surprise.

I'm just a little worried.

I keep hearing
the same two notes.

And your sheet music looks like
a Chinese takeout menu.

A musician sees music
in everything, Annie.

I mean, it could be--

J“ Moo shu pork J“

J“ Squab with lettuce J“

You see?
I mean, it just comes out.

You really shouldn't be here
right now.

What?
You are inside a throbbing,

cosmic womb of creativity.

And when this baby
starts kicking,

I cannot be responsible
for your sanity. Ha.

I know it sounds funny,
but let me play you out, okay?

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

Playing you out now, this song.

You know, like on stage?
Playing you out, okay?

Thanks for coming. Bye-bye.

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

Then she yelled, "Screw you."
Or, "Screw education."

Or something like that. Then
she stormed out of the room

in her high-heel boots
like it was tampon time.

If you know what I mean.

Objection.
I don't know what he means.

Please don't encourage him.

Do you have any more questions?

The defense calls Britta Perry.

Now, are those
the high-heel boots?

Yes.
Are they comfortable?

Yeah.
I'm just curious. Therm alto.

Miss Perry,
did you make that crib sheet?

No.
She confessed.

She confessed
to protect her classmates

because you were threatening
to flunk everyone.

You did what?
Oh. Shut your pompous vortex

of overlapping fangs.

Hey, British dentistry
is not on trial.

Dean Pelton, I move this case
be thrown out of the pool area.

Well, it certainly--

Well, it certainly sounds to me

that this young lady's
only crime

is being a hero
and wanting to be taller.

This tribunal is adjourned.

Wait, I cheated.
And we're back.

Objection.
My client did not cheat.

Yes, I did.

Yes, she did.

But why?

That's the real question,
isn't it?

The world wasn't the only thing
that changed on September 11th.

Oh, Jeff, come on.
Five minute recess?

No, no. There's nothing
in the bylaws

about recesses, all right?

The wheels of justice here
don't stop just because-- Oh!

I know, everyone, time out,
time out.

Save the table, save the table.

[ABED BEEPING]

ABED:
Beginning transmission.

The primary purpose seems to be
male bonding.

And the attitude
during conveyance

of the random deceit is
apparently of great importance.

The humanoid is approximately
5'10" in height--

TROY:
What are you doing?

Oh, hey, Troy.
I didn't see you.

Uh, how long were you
standing there?

Ywhvhgh mm me?
Yes.

That's what I was doing.
You got me.

I was just messing with you,
but I guess I blew it again..

Yeah, you did.

[ABED MAKES BEEPING SOUND]

Don't turn your back on me,
thinking you're all hoity-toity.

Have you got a problem with me?
I don't like the fact

that you're walking around here,
like you're better than me,

in front of my students.
I'm sorry,

do you mind if we
have this conversation

in a room with less balls?

You-- You're very confident,
I'll say that.

But you shouldn't be.

What are you
doing out there?

You know I have a problem
with dishonesty.

You're on trial for cheating.

Fine. Look, we'll be fine.

I just have go back out there

and make the case
that you're a good person.

You don't know that.
You're just doing all this

because you wanna sleep with me.
You said it yourself.

You don't even wanna be
my friend.

Wait a minute, wait.

Is that-- Is that
what you thought I meant?

Britta, look at me.
Look at me.

I am.

No, look how handsome
my face is.

If all I wanted was sex,

I could get it
from plenty of women

without having
to go through all this crap.

I'm here because I like you.

And I'd-- I'd be psyched
to be your friend.

I didn't wanna take sex
off the table

without doing
my due diligence.

I actually believe you.
Well, why wouldn't you?

I don't know. I guess
the same reason that I cheated.

I just have more experience

being worthless.

I think I left that crib sheet
on the floor

because I wanted
to get caught at it.

I'm so used to
screwing everything up,

I just wanted to get
it over with.

Wait.
I think we have our defense.

Gentlemen, my client is insane.
What?

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Um

Gentlemen,
I'm sure you suspected

that Miss Perry was pretty odd
before the recess.

But if you could've heard
all the stuff

she just told me in the shower,

you would realize

she is all the way out
of her entire damn mind.

She doesn't want to succeed

because she doesn't think
she can.

So she goes out of her way
to fail.

That's crazy.

But do we really
wanna make it a crime

to be crazy at Green dale?
I mean, look at us.

I mean, you two are arguing
about status

at a college that correspondence
schools make fun of.

Dean, you want so bad
for this place to be Ivy League

that you are putting us at risk
of electrocution.

Because everyone on this campus
is nuts.

Not me.
Oh, come on, Leonard.

If you're gonna argue with me,
put on a bathing suit.

Busted.

[LAUGHS]

If you wanna rehabilitate
your fellow inmate,

you need to sentence her
to staying here with us.

Because if crazy people
can't be at Green dale,

where are we supposed to go?

[SNIFFS]

Wow. Well,
under the circumstances,

I recommend that the accused
be fully exonerated.

On the condition she receives
psychological counseling

on a weekly basis from a trained
mental health professional.

I'm thinking maybe Fridays,
9-ish, something like that.

All in favor say "aye."
BOTH: Aye.

Yes.
Wait. What?

That just happened.

Um

[MAN BABBLING]

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Greetings, Abed.

Greetings, Abed.
Greetings, commander.

Tell me about
the one they call Troy.

Well, he is rather arrogant

and has no mercy
for weaker beings.

Stop. Stop doing this right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not an alien.

[LAUGHS]

I never thought you were.
But this is insane, okay?

Those are credible
alien hand movements.

You invented a whole language.

I'm pretty sure
you rented a green screen.

Yeah.
It would be less creepy

if you were
actually an alien.

But this is what friends do.
No. It--

From now on, Abed,

friends don't mess
with each other.

Okay, cool?
Cool, cool. Bang-bang.

[BABBLING]

Garrett, it's over.
He knows.

[WHIMPERING]

You're getting
a little sloppy.

We went over budget.

I've got it.

[PLAYING]

J“ Green dale, Green dale
Little star J“

Oh.

I can't--

Reject.

I'm a fraud, Annie.

I'm no more of a songwriter
than you or Billy Joel.

But what about
the Hawthorne Wipes jingle?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, the whole thing.

You wanna hear it? Here.

[PLAYING]

J“ You'll be wiping off
That ketchup with our wipes J“

J“ Hawthorne Wipes J“

J“ You'll be wiping off
That mustard with our wipes J“

J“ At the picnic J“

That's "She'll be Comin'
Around the Mountain."

I know. I steal everything.
You backed the wrong horse.

I got nothing.
Pierce, you're musical.

You're creative,
you can do this.

I believe in you.

Well, you shouldn't. I quit.

You listen up, Pierce.

I'm gonna tell you what
my mother told me

when I wanted
to quit cheerleading.

"You're not very pretty,
you have no boobs,

"you can't do basket toss
to save your life,

but you made a commitment."

So pick up your pom-poms,
Pierce.

Stuff your bra,

get ready for team bus
to forget you at Taco Bell

because life is tough.

But we soldier on,
and that's just the way it goes.

Um

I'm gonna play myself out.

"The way it goes."

That's it.

One, two, Luis Guzmén. Oh!

Oh. Oh.
MAN: All right, Luis.

PELTON:
Green dale may never be Harvard--

Don't talk to me for a while.

No problem.
Just glad you're here.

I'd like to introduce
our student, Pierce Hawthorne,

who's written Green dale
its own school song.

Pierce, okay.

Thank you, dean, thank you.

This song goes out to Annie

for believing in me.

[PIANO PLAYING
"THE WAY IT IS"]

J“ Standing
In the bookstore line J“

J“ Waiting for the bell
To chime J“

J“ 80 you can go to class J“

J“ Dancing in your underwear J“

J“ Taking
Air conditioner repair J“

Is lhls Blues Homsby's?
Yup.

Does he know he stole it?
I don't think so. Let him enjoy.

Could we get sued?
Not sure.

J“ Greendale's the way it goes J“

Yeah, they got us.

J“ Some things
Are still the same J“

J“ Slop pails and pantyhose J“

J“ Oh, Annie believes in me J“

["THE WAY IT IS" PLAYING]

[GASPING]

How many?
Thirty-six. You win.

Best of three?
Yeah.

Ah...

[GAGS]