All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S06E17.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- Guys! I have a great
idea for a prank.

Before Holt comes in

I'm gonna put ink on the podium
where he puts his hands.

- I don't think
he'll fall for that.

- I did!
- How?

I haven't even
opened this yet.

- I guess it's unrelated.

- Captain Holt hates pranks.
This is gonna backfire, man.

- Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down.
I'll...

move his podium
a foot to the left.

- What?
He'll be so angry.

- Okay, five inches.
- Five?

- Three?
- Three?

- One?
- One?

- All right.
I'll move it a half inch.

- Fine.
It's your funeral.

- Oh my god.

Worst prank ever.
So stupid.

Holt's not even
going to notice.

- Good morning.

- You guys--

the podium, it's...

- Ha.
[chuckles]

[laughter intensifies]

[riotous laughter]

[shouting]
You're crazy!

How did you pull this off?

[upbeat music]

♪

- Yes, Kevin, they moved it
a full half inch.

I'll tell you
the entire story tonight.

I love you as well.
Goodbye.

Oh, that was a fun
several moments.

So, there's been
a series of homicides.

Three victims, all young men,

each murdered
in their own fashion.

- A serial killer?
How'd they do it?

Strangled? Mangled?
Hung, i.e. dangled?

- Their bodies
were disfigured.

- I.e. "mangled."
Continue.

- Our killer
cut the victims open

and ripped out their hearts.

Now, before I
assign this case--

- Five dollars!
- What?

- I'm bidding for it.
I want this so badly.

- That's not how we--
- $20.

Just to make this interesting.

- $100 for Jake to have it!
- I was going to assign

the case to you and Peralta
but perhaps I should

give it to Diaz instead.
- $200!

- It's not about
the money, Boyle!

Commissioner Kelly
is breathing down my neck.

I need this case handled
professionally and maturely.

- Name one time
I haven't acted professionally.

- You're holding a juice box.

- It stops me
from spilling my juice!

Look, we can handle this, sir.

Do we joke around sometimes?
Yes, but when it's time

to buckle down,
we're seasoned professionals.

- That's why they call us
the Spice Boys.

- They don't
and they won't.

Sir, I swear,
give us a chance.

We can get this guy.

- Fine.
Case goes to the Spice Boys.

- Please don't call us that.
- Too late.

Spice Boy train
has left the station.

Toot toot!

- Hey, hey, check it out.

It's my lieutenant
start paperwork!

- It's gonna be so weird
not calling you Sarge anymore.

- Maybe I'll go by Loot.
"Morning, Loot!"

"Loot over here."
"Let's invite Loot!"

What do you think?

- I bet you're
excited about

the raise that comes
with your promotion.

- Well, Terry doesn't like
to talk about money, but, uh...

Cha-ching!
[laughs]

Now I can pay for Showtime.

Find out who or what
"SMILF" is!

- You know, some people say,
"Mo money, mo problems,"

but those people are idiots.
Money's amazing.

- Wait, what?

This says there's
not enough money

in the Nine-Nine's budget
for my raise!

- What does that mean?

- They're going to
transfer me!

- Now, I know
what you're thinking.

[dumb voice]
Where'd dem guts go?

- Uh, yeah.

- This guy needs a dentist,

because he's got
a big ol' cavity.

- [laughs] I love that.
I'm stealing it.

- You cannot steal
what is a gift.

- Thank you.
Okay, so whoever did this,

they weren't careful
with the organs.

They just sorta grabbed
whatever and yanked.

- Title of your sex tape.
Oh, that's just something

we say back at the Nine-Nine.

- Interesting, 'cause around
here sex tape is what

we call the adhesive you use
to reattach a severed penis.

- Oh, I'll have to
pick some of that up.

- Why?
- Anyway...

most of the killer's incisions
are very sloppy but then once

he gets to the heart
they become very careful.

I mean, look at the vena cava.
That's a clean cut.

Game recognize game.

- Hmm. I like your style,
Doctor Cox.

- Gentlemen!
The Commissioner would like

a status update on the case.

- Oh, come on Ray.
You make it sound like

I'm puttin' the screws to ya.
No, I just popped in

to say if you don't
solve these murders immediately

there's gonna be some
serious consequences.

[laughs]
I'm just messin' with ya!

Listen, you know what would
help you catch this guy?

I just launched a new app,
HotClues.

Are you familiar with it?

- The one that
allows civilians

to submit anonymous tips
directly to the NYPD?

Yes, I'm familiar with...
HotClues.

- Great!
You know, it's actually

helped us solve 17 cases,
so I think we should ask

for the public's help
with this one.

- No, study after study has
shown that soliciting

anonymous tips results in false
leads and wrongful convictions.

- Hmm.
Tell me how you really feel.

- I did.
- And I loved it! Such passion!

But I think HotClues
could help us here.

- No, we will solve
this case the proper way

with actual police work
conducted by the two best

detectives in the NYPD.
- Captain!

- Well, I certainly hope
your methods work.

For the sake
of your careers.

[cheerfully]
Bye now.

- Oof! Now that guy's
gonna need some sex tape.

- [in unison] 'Cause someone's
gonna cut his penis off.

- We are vibing!

- So...
I found out where

they're transferring me.

And, you know, I'm feeling
pretty good about it.

- Oh! Somewhere nice?
Upper West Side?

- No, even better.

Staten Island!

- [bursts out laughing]
Good one, Loot.

Where you really going?
- No, I'm serious. Staten!

- Wait, they're transferring
you out of New York?

- It's part of the City!

- Is it, though?
- Hey, Staten Island is great.

It's got parks,
loads of bike paths,

tons of up and coming
restaurants...

I mean...
easy access to New Jersey!

- You're lying.
Your right pec is popping

all over the place.
We all know that's your tell.

- Of course I'm lying!
It's Staten Island!

The precinct
is the One-Two-Two.

How the hell am I supposed
to chant One-Two-Two?

One-Two-Two!
One-Two-Two!

I sound like a damn
choo-choo train!

- Detectives, how's the case?
Any breakthroughs?

- Uh, well, we're still
in the early stages.

- Do you have a suspect
or DNA evidence?

- Oh my god.
I wish.

- Look, we need to solve
this to prove to that idiot

John Kelly, how inane
and useless his little app is.

- Oh dip.
I see what's going on.

Holt is feeling petty.
- I'm not being petty.

I can assure you my feelings

about John Kelly
are purely professional.

- Are they?
Because every time his name

is brought up in our group text
thread you immediately send

back a super catty GIF
of some lady

from "The Durrells in Corfu"
rolling her eyes.

- That's Louisa Durrell,
exasperated by

the pace of life on Corfu!

- Wait, the group
text thread is back?

- No.
- We misspoke.

- Yeah.
- Look, if you can't solve

this case I'll reassign
it to someone who can.

- Wait, no, no, no, no, no!
I have an idea.

We need to get
into the mind of a sicko.

And the only way to do that is
with the help of another sicko.

[intense music]

♪

- Jake!
It's so good to see you!

Come give me a hug,
I'm not going to eat you!

Also, don't hug me
'cause I will try to eat you.

.

- This is such a surprise!

I haven't seen you
since I transferred here.

How's Amy?
- She's great!

We're married
and she's a Sergeant now.

- Wow!
- Yeah! How's everything here?

- You know, same old same old.

Guess who's here? Herman.
- Herman!

Always playing Yahtzee,
knew everybody's name.

- Worshipped Satan.
- Did he?

He never mentioned that.
[laughter]

- He wouldn't shut up about it.
- It is exhausting.

- Well, I'm Charles.
I'm Jake's best friend.

Charles, he's serving three
life sentences.

No need to flex.
So Caleb, we're tracking

a serial killer
and I was thinking

you could help us
get inside his head.

- Just because I ate humans

doesn't mean that
I'm inhuman, Jake.

- Caleb, come on.
That's not what I meant.

- I'm just kidding.

I'm probably friends
with the guy online.

[chuckles]
What's his deal?

- Well, he's been
murdering young men

and cutting out their hearts.

- Ew.
What?

I would never eat a heart.

I stick to the normal stuff.

Butts and thighs.

One time I ate a foot,
but it was nasty.

- Yeah, I can see that.
- You know what?

There was some weird guy
on the forum recently.

- The forum?
- Yeah, it's a chat room

for people who like to talk
about eating human beings

but definitely won't act on it.

Wink.
Yeah, it's hosted on--

- [together] Reddit.
- Obviously.

Anyways, he showed up from out
of nowhere asking questions

about cutting out hearts.
- Really?

Do you know
anything else about him?

- I'd never seen him
on there before

but you could check the logs.
I'll approve you.

I'm an admin.
- Ah.

- Oh, you might want to switch
to incognito mode.

Otherwise your targeted ads will
be pretty cannibal-specific.

- Ah, good to know.

Well, it was good
to see you, Caleb.

Send me that info.

[all screaming]

Hey Terry, you okay?
You skipped all your lunches.

- I'm going through the budget
to see if there's any way

we could save enough money
for me to stay here.

- You find anything yet?
- Yeah, we could

switch to generic printer ink,
cut down on custodial services,

and stop buying
office birthday cakes.

- Over my dead body!
- It's just an idea.

- Well, take it off the table!
- Damn, Scully, fine.

- We could stop paying
for an exterminator.

It's pointless.
We all have guns.

- Who am I kidding?

We'll never save enough
to keep me at the Nine-Nine.

- You're right.
The only way to free up

that money
is if you fire someone.

- What? I can't just fire
someone without cause.

- Come on.
We all know there's a bunch of

dead weight around here.

Sloppy paperwork,
penmanship fails,

phone etiquette that
makes me want to barf.

Let's axe a dud!

- Damn, Amy.
I am loving this shade on you.

But Loot's right.
We can't just fire somebody.

That said, you could
"inspire" somebody to quit.

For example, Broadway Brian.

- Yes!
Broadway Brian, of course!

- Who the hell
is Broadway Brian?

- Brian in records.

He's always talking about
what a great singer he is

and how his dream
is to be in musicals.

You just need to convince him
to go for his dream.

- Oh, I don't know.
That feels underhanded.

- It's never underhanded to help
somebody follow their dream.

Yesterday,
I was watching "Ellen,"

and she had this woman on
who wanted to be a chef,

but she didn't have any taste
buds, so she quit her job,

hired her best friend
to be her taste tester.

And now they have the best taco
truck in Lansing.

It was inspiration as [bleep].

- Yeah.

I'd just be helping him
follow his dream!

I'd be doing him a favor!

I'm going to inspire Brian's
ass right out of this office!

For him, not me.

Dreams, and whatnot, you know.

- Detectives,
Commissioner Kelly is back

and he found his way here
on his own

without any tips
from the public.

How impressive is that?
- Well, thank you, Raymond.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd check
on your progress.

[phone chimes]
- Um, we have a solid lead.

Suspicious online behavior

from someone using the name
Jamburger77.

- There's only one person
in the tri-state area

with that surname--
Eileen Jamburger.

101 years old, and immediately
racist on the phone.

She is not a suspect
at this time.

- But the user did make
one non-cannibal post.

A negative review of the
headroom in a 2006 Saturn Ion.

- Real creep car.

So, we pulled records
on every 2006 Ion in the city

and we're following up
on them now.

- Well, I'll be.

That's some nice police work,
Peralta.

- And Charles.
- I especially like how

you found evidence,
followed up on it,

and it's lead you closer
to a solve.

- No, I agree, Peralta.
It's excellent work.

- You must've hated
saying that.

- No, I didn't.
I like giving compliments.

You have a nice deep voice.
It is very commanding.

- Cut the crap, John.
You're furious!

And everyone can tell!

- See?
Very commanding.

So, I know Raymond has
some issues with HotClues,

but we did put
the call out on the app

and got a very promising tip.

- Look, we're not going
against our Captain.

- So this guy says
he saw someone covered in blood

getting out of a Saturn Ion.

But you don't need that tip

because you are among the
best detectives in the NYPD!

[laughter]

- You're right,
we don't need that tip!

But seriously,
send us that tip.

We need it.

- Hey, Brian!
What are you up to?

- Typing in numbers
into a computer.

Like I always do endlessly
for 40-60 hours a week.

- Well, when you love
what you do,

you don't work
a day in your life!

Unless, do you not love
sad data entry?

- Well,
my passion is performing.

I do musical theater.

It's the hardest form of acting.
- I agree!

I am always saying,
if you're not singing,

you're not acting.
- Right!

- It's probably hard
to audition

because you're always here,
right?

- Yes! I had to pass up a chance
to read for "Seussical."

- You know Brian,
this makes me think

of something I saw on "Ellen."

There was this lady,
she wanted to be a cook,

but her tongue
was all messed up,

and she had this friend
who didn't even have a tongue--

I mean, she did,

and now they own a taco truck
in Lansing!

- Huh?

- Follow your dreams, man!

You gotta follow your dreams.

Find your taco truck!

- Wow.
Thank you.

That gives me
a lot to think about.

So what did you
come down here for?

- Oh, uh, I had to borrow...

the water cooler!

[grunting] All right.
Thanks, Brian.

Think about what I said.

- So, the tipster saw
the Saturn parked out back

and the woman at the desk said

it belongs to the man
in room 203.

One "Larry Bird."
- Obvious fake name.

- Or is it so insane that
there's no way it's fake?

If you're trying not
to draw attention,

why not go with something
like "John Smith?"

- From "Pocahontas"?

Uh, yeah.
Way to fly under the radar.

[laughs]

- Excuse me, is there ice yet?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't work here.

I'm a police officer.

- Well, then I'd like
to lodge a formal complaint.

There hasn't been ice here
for days

and everyone knows
my wine coolers are supposed

to be served chilled.
- You're an adult.

Why are you
drinking wine coolers?

- Because I'm on vacation.
- Okay.

Well, I'll mention the ice.

- Thanks.
Pig.

- Okay.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, it's Holt.

I didn't tell him
what we were doing.

- I'll act natural.

- You're not gonna be
on the phone call.

Just do nothing.
Hey, Captain!

- What delicious water
I'm drinking!

- [growls] Sorry that we didn't
check in before we left.

We're just down
at the DMV following up

on the Saturn owners.
- Lies!

- Captain!
How'd you know we were here?

- I followed you!

John Kelly gave you
a "Hot Clue," didn't he?

How dare you disobey me.

- Come on, sir,
it was a good tip

and we're trying
to catch a serial killer.

- Well then let's see
this tip,

this groundbreaking tip

that threatens
to blow the case wide open.

- Okay, I know this tone.
Here comes petty Holt.

- Naw, bitch.
I'm not being petty.

- You just said, "naw, bitch."

- Show me the tip.
- [exasperated sigh]

[whispers]
Title of your sex tape.

- I was behind
the Royal Motor Inn.

I saw a guy get out
of a blue Saturn Ion

and he was covered in blood.

Anyway, Baba Booey!

- Baba Booey?
Is that a clue?

- Uh, I don't know what
Baba Booey means, actually.

- It's a popular prank phrase
from Howard Stern.

- Charles!
- Oh, from a shock jock.

Well, that changes everything.

Now we have
a credible break in the case.

Baba Booey!

[hard knocking]
NYPD, open up!

- Uh, just a minute!

- Ooh, I bet
he's frantically packing up

his collection of hearts.

[glass breaking]

- Goin' in!
Get back.

- There's blood everywhere!
- He went out the window.

- I'll go around back.

- Fine, Kelly found the
murderer's kill room.

Whoop-dee-doo!
Should we throw him a parade?

- Yeah!
Maybe!

.

- Patrols have searched
a five-block radius.

No sign of the perp.

- And there were no prints.
He was wearing gloves.

- Like the inimitable
Audrey Hepburn.

- Nope.
- Gentlemen, there's something

I need to say.
I gave you such a hard time

about using Commissioner Kelly's
app because I was being petty.

I wanted him to fail
and I took it out on you

and for that I am very...

- Oh. You kind of trailed off
there, sir.

Were you going
to finish your sentence?

It felt like you were going
to say you were sorry.

- I did.
Boyle heard it.

- Uh, I would remember if
someone said my catch phrase.

- Fine, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

- Apology accepted.

I am so proud of you.
- Peralta.

- You're right.
I'll rub it in later.

What matters now
is solving this case.

Now, our murderer
may have gotten away,

but we did find
his kill room.

Maybe there's something in here
that we're not seeing, yet.

- Perhaps we should pay your
cannibal friend another visit.

- I wouldn't say they're friends
so much as ex-cellmates.

- No, it's true.
We're friends.

- He ate kids!
- Well, people are complicated.

- Now, I'll tell you one thing.

You are not looking
for a cannibal.

- Why do you say that?
- With all that blood?

- No self-respecting cannibal
would waste all that sauce.

- See, Charles?
He's a foodie, like you.

- Who are you?
- Can I see that picture again?

Oh man, those are
some nice tools.

I would love
to spread some ribs

using that sternum retractor,

but they only sell those
to hospitals.

- Wait a minute.
What did you just say?

- I said I'd love
to get my little fingies

in some chesties.

- No, no, no.
Not the super gross part.

Surgery-grade tools,

precise incisions
around the heart,

and there was no ice
at the motel.

- Because the perp was using
it for the hearts.

- We're not looking
for a serial killer.

He stole the hearts
for a transplant!

- Boom!
We solved it.

Boyle, give me a hug.
- Yeah!

[all screaming]
- No!

- Hey, I did it!

I talked to Brian and encouraged
him to pursue his dreams.

- Really?
Is he gonna quit?

- I don't know,
that was the first step.

But I figure
if I talk to him twice a day

for the next few weeks--
- Attention, everyone!

Today will be my final day
at the Nine-Nine.

- Damn, Loot.
That was fast.

- I will be taking my talents
to Broadway

and I owe it all
to Lieutenant Terry Jeffords.

- All I did was
believe in you.

- And it changed everything.

So Lieutenant,
this one's for you.

- Oh.

- [off-key]
♪ Another opening

♪ Another show

- Uh oh.
- ♪ From Philly, Boston

♪ To Baltimore

- Amy, you said he could sing.

- I didn't say he could sing.
He said he could sing.

- ♪ Dance break!

- What have I done?

- Bye, Jake!
- Here it is.

The federal heart transplant
waiting list.

Check out who's all the way
down at 2,319.

Angelo Rinaldi, who runs
the Rinaldi crime family.

- Well.
Then let's pay him a visit.

[bangs]

- NYPD!
- Hands where we can see them!

- There's a heart
in the cooler.

- Sorry, Rinaldi, the only
transplant happening today

is your ass to jail.

He is definitely unconscious
and didn't hear any of that.

But I'm still pumped.
Case closed. Let's go!

- So Rinaldi had his
trigger-man stealing hearts

so he could have a transplant.

That is fun!
Good job, Ray.

- Thank you,
Commissioner Kelly.

We couldn't have done it
without your...

- Sir, you're doing
the trailing off thing again.

- Help.
Um...and I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry and I must admit,

you've really got something
on your hands with this...

HotClues app.

- Well, that is
so nice of you to say.

But, if you like the app now,

wait until you see
the updates we're rolling out.

Now you can Auto-Tune your tips.
Show 'em, Micah.

- [Auto-Tuned voice] ♪ There's
a mysterious package ♪

♪ On the corner
of Fourth and Park ♪

♪ 4th and Park
- Huh? Sounds...

[imitating Auto-Tune]
Pretty nifty.

- No...

You a Stern fan, Micah?

- Oh yeah.
Listen every day.

Baba Booey!

- Baba Booey?
- Baba Booey.

- Baba Booey.

You're the guy from the video.

You called in the tip.

- [uncomfortable laughter]
Yeah.

Ah, Micah, do me a favor.

Give us a moment here,
all right?

Nobody in or out.

Lock the doors.
Thanks, bud.

- Actually Micah, you wanna
leave that door unlocked

in case we want to make
a quick getaway?

- I'm gonna do
what he told me to do.

- Yeah, that makes sense.
Thanks, bud.

.

- What's going on, Kelly?

Why is your assistant
submitting tips?

- Because they already
had the information.

The tips aren't coming
from the public at all.

- Oh, cool theory.

But if I already had
the information,

why am I pouring so much money
into developing this app?

- To hide
where you're getting it.

- Because you're using
illegal wiretaps or something!

- You got me! [laughs]
You guys are good!

I just love how you ping pong
off each other.

- This is blatantly
unconstitutional.

I'm going to the press!
- Yes, you should.

But first, do you know
what a stingray is?

- Of course we know
what a Stingray is.

Tenderest meat in the ocean!

- No, stingray is
a portable cell tower.

You drive it around the city.

It captures data from any
cell phone within reach.

Like, oh, text messages,
location history, voicemail...

- Oh my god.

You have a
"Dark Knight" machine!

- Yes, I do,
and the three of you

are not going
to say a word about it

because the 18 felons

we captured through the system,
they'd go free.

- That's unfortunate,
but it's better

than living
in a police state.

I'm not sitting on this.
- Okay.

But I can assure you, you can't
prove this program exists.

It's just your word
against mine.

- I'm more than fine with that.
- You shouldn't be.

Because I can prove you'd do
anything to sabotage me.

My stingray
captured your texts, too.

- No, he has
the "Durrells in Corfu" GIF!

- Oh-ho-ho.
Way worse.

You wrote several people,

"I would do anything
to rid the NYPD of John Kelly.

"Sincerely, Raymond Holt."

- You have got to stop signing
your text messages!

- What do I do?

Brian sounds terrible.

I can't let him quit his job!

He'll never get cast
in anything.

- Maybe he'll be one
of those people on "The Voice"

that's so bad they become
an Internet sensation.

- That's not what they do
on "The Voice", Amy,

that's "American Idol"!

"The Voice" is purely
a celebration of talent.

- If he wants to pursue his
dream and it doesn't work out,

that's not on you.
He made his choice.

- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You know, no blood on my hands.

I just need to let him
do his thing.

- Terry...
- Hey, Brian!

- So, what did you think
of my song?

- I loved how loud it was.
- Thank you.

I wouldn't have had the courage
to do it without you.

Sure, I daydream
about it all the time,

but being a single dad,
I always chickened out.

- You... have... a kid?

- I have kids.
Three under three.

- Oh, fun!
Hey, unrelated.

Uh, what's your
financial situation like?

Do you have savings
to fall back on?

Do you come
from wealth, or...?

[chuckles]
- No, no, but...

[off-key] ♪ That's not gonna
stop my dreams ♪

- Sick pipes, Bri.

Good luck out there.
- Thanks.

- No!
I can't let you do this.

- What?

- You're a bad singer, man.
I don't want to be mean,

but if you try
to make a living at this,

you will die on the street.

- Oh.

Thanks for telling me.

- So that's it, then.
- Yup.

Next week is my last week
at the Nine-Nine.

- Attention, everyone!

I will be giving up singing.

This will be
my final performance.

[loud and off-key]
♪ One pound two ounces--

- Not now, Brian!

[sigh of relief]
- Sir, there you are.

We've been looking
everywhere for.

Kevin says he hasn't heard
from you all night.

- Yes, I've been sitting
in my office

wallowing in my hopelessness,

and eating the saddest food
known to mankind.

Ice cream.

- Oh my god,
he's Bridget Jones-ing.

- Okay, well it's time
to put that aside

and pull out whatever food
you eat when you're happy.

- Dry beans?
- Sure!

Look.
We can still stop John Kelly.

All we need
is some hard evidence.

- How? He won't let us anywhere
near him or One Police Plaza.

- I know,
which is why I've assembled

a team of powerful allies
in the NYPD.

- No, that's too risky.

How do you know they're
not loyal to John Kelly?

- Because these people
aren't loyal to anybody.

[Disturbed's
"Down With The Sickness"]

♪

- ♪ Ooh-wah-ah-ah-ah

♪

- I made a suicide squad!

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
Shh.