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1
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Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,924
What's going on at
Will and Marty's house?
3
00:00:05,948 --> 00:00:08,020
- Oh, that's Binge Club.
- Binge Club?
4
00:00:08,053 --> 00:00:09,697
All the stay-at-home
parents meet up at Marty's
5
00:00:09,721 --> 00:00:11,961
bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.
6
00:00:12,010 --> 00:00:14,494
And they lived in this kingdom
of love forever and ever.
7
00:00:14,513 --> 00:00:17,388
One second, I was watching Jack
and Emma with the Amari girls,
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00:00:17,427 --> 00:00:21,017
and the next, it was like a...
a home video with their kids.
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00:00:21,052 --> 00:00:22,485
It was perfect.
10
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,653
- They want you in the picture.
- I know.
11
00:00:24,688 --> 00:00:26,255
Did you sneak home to nap?
12
00:00:26,290 --> 00:00:28,324
We are doing it all wrong, people!
13
00:00:28,359 --> 00:00:30,504
Two of us need to be able to
have sex without the third one
14
00:00:30,528 --> 00:00:32,160
getting their feelings hurt, so come on.
15
00:00:32,195 --> 00:00:34,729
You guys are what is derisively
known as "polymonogamists."
16
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Polymonogamy? Please.
17
00:00:37,234 --> 00:00:38,962
So, she gets it, and she
wants to make it work.
18
00:00:38,963 --> 00:00:39,963
Does that mean she's happy?
19
00:00:39,966 --> 00:00:41,614
I mean, will she be
happy in two, three years?
20
00:00:41,638 --> 00:00:43,549
I don't know, but what
can we do? We can get help.
21
00:00:43,573 --> 00:00:45,018
Are you talking about that poly coach?
22
00:00:45,042 --> 00:00:47,390
Coach Remi, Portland's
official poly guru.
23
00:00:47,391 --> 00:00:49,100
There's no version of
what's waiting for us
24
00:00:49,101 --> 00:00:52,047
inside that house that
isn't incredibly weird.
25
00:00:58,755 --> 00:01:00,922
Ha, ha! Hey!
26
00:01:00,957 --> 00:01:03,358
- Yeah!
- All right!
27
00:01:04,861 --> 00:01:07,394
Okay! When I say "Poly,"
you say "Freedom"!
28
00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:08,563
- Poly!
- Freedom!
29
00:01:08,598 --> 00:01:09,864
- Poly!
- Freedom!
30
00:01:09,899 --> 00:01:11,832
When I say "Poly," you say "Love"!
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00:01:11,868 --> 00:01:12,833
- Poly!
- Love!
32
00:01:12,869 --> 00:01:13,910
- Poly!
- Love!
33
00:01:13,936 --> 00:01:15,936
When I say "Poly," you
say "Sexually liberated"!
34
00:01:15,962 --> 00:01:17,271
- Poly!
- Sexually liberated!
35
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- Poly!
- Sexually liberated!
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Yeah! All right!
37
00:01:22,779 --> 00:01:26,113
Oh, yes, yes! Yes! Well!
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00:01:26,148 --> 00:01:28,911
Welcome to Poly Training Camp.
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As we all know, love is a long season,
40
00:01:31,997 --> 00:01:33,353
but over the next couple of hours,
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00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:35,756
I'm gonna whip you into shape, okay?
42
00:01:35,792 --> 00:01:38,576
Yes, yes! Clap for Remi! Yeah!
43
00:01:38,627 --> 00:01:41,094
Yeah!
44
00:01:41,129 --> 00:01:42,302
Okay.
45
00:01:42,354 --> 00:01:44,551
It's up to me to make the game plan,
46
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but it's up to you to
execute that game plan, okay?
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00:01:47,603 --> 00:01:50,904
And if you have any questions,
my door is always open.
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00:01:50,939 --> 00:01:53,369
We talked about this.
49
00:01:53,389 --> 00:01:55,327
Yeah, okay, so "always," of course,
50
00:01:55,343 --> 00:01:57,616
meaning only during
office hours, all right?
51
00:01:57,646 --> 00:01:59,389
Don't be... Don't abuse that privilege.
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00:01:59,409 --> 00:02:01,735
Just, uh, make an appointment
with me. My e-mail is always open.
53
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:03,430
Okay, let's take a look around here!
54
00:02:03,451 --> 00:02:05,353
Yes, what a nice group of people.
55
00:02:05,373 --> 00:02:08,381
Yeah, it's another big,
sold-out session, huh?
56
00:02:08,402 --> 00:02:09,901
They keep jamming it in
every week. Hey, look!
57
00:02:09,925 --> 00:02:12,567
We look like we have a
few rookies here tonight!
58
00:02:12,594 --> 00:02:14,164
- Welcome!
- Whoo!
59
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:16,061
Yes, give them a little
round of applause.
60
00:02:16,097 --> 00:02:17,876
Hi.
61
00:02:18,001 --> 00:02:19,530
Coming down to your level.
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00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,736
Poly Training Camp is a
unique and rare opportunity
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00:02:23,771 --> 00:02:26,942
to connect with other like-minded souls
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00:02:26,973 --> 00:02:31,511
who are all committed to loving love.
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00:02:31,545 --> 00:02:32,891
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right?
66
00:02:32,913 --> 00:02:34,866
Look around right now. Look around.
67
00:02:34,891 --> 00:02:36,184
Yeah, you. Look around.
Everyone. Look around.
68
00:02:36,194 --> 00:02:38,432
Say hello with your eyes. Hello. Hello.
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00:02:38,463 --> 00:02:40,797
I'm saying hello with my mouth,
but you, just your eyes. Hello.
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00:02:40,821 --> 00:02:45,291
These are your teammates, and
we all need teammates, right?
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'Cause how many of us here have
been told by a family member
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00:02:48,185 --> 00:02:51,502
that it's just a phase
we're going through? Huh?
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00:02:51,503 --> 00:02:53,175
How many people here
tonight have been shunned
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00:02:53,199 --> 00:02:55,550
by a coworker or a neighbor?
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00:02:55,568 --> 00:02:57,659
Yeah. Me. Yes, yes. How
many people here tonight
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00:02:57,669 --> 00:02:59,395
have been told by their "cool friends"
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that they're "totally okay with poly,"
78
00:03:01,044 --> 00:03:03,205
but then they totally
don't seem totally okay
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00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:04,776
with poly, am I right?!
80
00:03:04,811 --> 00:03:07,748
Yeah, and maybe the most important...
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00:03:07,971 --> 00:03:09,356
how many people here tonight
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00:03:09,361 --> 00:03:11,424
have been made to feel marginalized,
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00:03:11,475 --> 00:03:14,318
diminished, or even invalidated
84
00:03:14,353 --> 00:03:17,196
by other alternative
lifestyle communities?
85
00:03:17,223 --> 00:03:20,463
- Oh!
- They tell us poly isn't an identity.
86
00:03:20,473 --> 00:03:22,225
It's just a "scene."
87
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:23,895
You know, they tell us
that it can never be more
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00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:26,774
than a hobby because
it's "unsustainable."
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00:03:26,784 --> 00:03:30,195
Why are people so
threatened by the notion
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00:03:30,203 --> 00:03:33,994
that you can fall in love
with more than one person
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00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:36,718
in every sense of that beautiful word?
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00:03:36,843 --> 00:03:40,488
Monogamy is a valid choice, yes,
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00:03:40,498 --> 00:03:43,991
- but it's not the only choice!
- Fuck yeah!
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00:03:44,019 --> 00:03:45,693
- Yes!
- Mnh.
95
00:03:45,737 --> 00:03:48,762
Right. I meant, like,
freedom! Freedom and shit!
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00:03:48,786 --> 00:03:51,745
Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Yes, thank you!
97
00:03:51,764 --> 00:03:53,075
That's the energy I'm looking for!
98
00:03:53,092 --> 00:03:54,469
Give her a round of applause!
99
00:03:59,831 --> 00:04:01,461
Yes!
100
00:04:01,648 --> 00:04:03,499
I'm gonna win Rookie of the Year.
101
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:04,962
Pace yourself, honey.
102
00:04:12,851 --> 00:04:14,757
Yeah. I don't know why, but...
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00:04:14,795 --> 00:04:17,247
Lala! Hey, what a surprise.
104
00:04:17,282 --> 00:04:19,582
Is our lawn mowed the wrong direction?
105
00:04:19,618 --> 00:04:21,762
You know, we're a diagonal family,
but if it's ruffling feathers...
106
00:04:21,786 --> 00:04:23,786
At ease. I'm off duty.
107
00:04:23,821 --> 00:04:26,042
I just wanted to introduce
you to my out gay son.
108
00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:27,767
Oh, God.
109
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,459
So...
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00:04:29,494 --> 00:04:32,400
did you give him a name, or
do we just call him Outie?
111
00:04:32,419 --> 00:04:33,672
I'm... I'm Alex.
112
00:04:33,698 --> 00:04:35,698
- Marty. Will.
- Yeah. Hi.
113
00:04:35,714 --> 00:04:37,444
I thought it would be
nice for him to have some
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00:04:37,468 --> 00:04:39,378
positive role models
in the neighborhood.
115
00:04:39,394 --> 00:04:42,041
Why would we be positive
role models for Alex?
116
00:04:42,227 --> 00:04:44,737
- Wait. Marty, are you gay?!
- No.
117
00:04:48,310 --> 00:04:52,257
Alex, our pre-sexual-cisgender
male son, Parker,
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00:04:52,309 --> 00:04:54,182
is up in his room
where his lesser father
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00:04:54,195 --> 00:04:56,652
has bought him an Xbox
even though he's 4.
120
00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,253
So it's basically a doorstop.
121
00:04:58,289 --> 00:05:00,204
Okay. Uh, bye.
122
00:05:01,206 --> 00:05:03,725
Um, Lala, want to come in?
123
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:07,046
- Uh, okay.
- Take a load off, I guess?
124
00:05:07,171 --> 00:05:10,753
Um, is there a father in the picture?
125
00:05:10,766 --> 00:05:12,168
Eh, barely.
126
00:05:12,194 --> 00:05:15,017
Tiny, out of focus, somewhere
in the deep background.
127
00:05:15,062 --> 00:05:16,283
Could be a bush.
128
00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:18,422
- That's got to be rough.
- Wow!
129
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:21,336
So this is where the Binge Club happens!
130
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,623
Well, no, it's just a little excuse
131
00:05:23,642 --> 00:05:25,477
for some parental misery-loves-company.
132
00:05:25,481 --> 00:05:27,557
You know, we take turns
watching little ones,
133
00:05:27,589 --> 00:05:29,314
dissolve our brains with trash TV.
134
00:05:29,319 --> 00:05:32,096
- You're not missing anything at all.
- Well.
135
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,803
Oh, hey, no, I get it.
136
00:05:33,829 --> 00:05:35,883
Nobody wants to party with the boss.
137
00:05:35,922 --> 00:05:38,777
You consider yourself the
boss of the neighborhood.
138
00:05:38,902 --> 00:05:41,028
That's fascinating.
139
00:05:41,063 --> 00:05:42,563
I know I'm acting crazy,
140
00:05:42,615 --> 00:05:45,665
- coming over here like this.
- That's important... the knowing.
141
00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:48,278
It's just that Alex has
a life of his own now,
142
00:05:48,299 --> 00:05:50,812
and, well, pretty soon
he'll be off to college,
143
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:54,314
and then my house will feel
even bigger and lonelier than...
144
00:05:54,343 --> 00:05:56,045
Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?
145
00:05:56,078 --> 00:05:59,444
I shouldn't actually answer
that, right? Of course not.
146
00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:04,062
Lala, do you want to watch
an episode of "Who We Are"?
147
00:06:04,081 --> 00:06:06,110
Right now? You mean
without all the others?
148
00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:08,829
Y... y... Uh, I guess I could...
149
00:06:08,842 --> 00:06:10,845
- That's crazy!
- He didn't actually say...
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00:06:10,864 --> 00:06:13,267
He wants to call a special
meeting of the Binge Club.
151
00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:15,328
Don't you? You want to invite everybody.
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00:06:15,363 --> 00:06:18,125
Polly would birth a cow
if we binged without her.
153
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,344
- I'll chill the Rosé.
- Wh...
154
00:06:21,375 --> 00:06:23,832
- Okay, cool. Can I drink this wine over here?
- Yeah, go ahead.
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00:06:23,856 --> 00:06:25,478
Okay, let's talk about
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00:06:25,523 --> 00:06:28,979
"The Five Poly Fouls That Will
Get You Instantly Ejected."
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00:06:29,031 --> 00:06:30,688
Okay, and these are always
available for discussion
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- on my Facebook page. Please,
- You okay?
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00:06:32,084 --> 00:06:34,068
tell your friends, invite your
friends, and let's do it, okay?
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00:06:34,092 --> 00:06:36,941
When I mention a poly foul
that you're struggling with,
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I want you to raise a finger, okay?
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00:06:39,551 --> 00:06:41,502
Let's keep count. Let's jump right in.
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00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:43,084
So, Poly Foul number one.
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Secrets!
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00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:46,759
Okay, if you're gonna be open in love,
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00:06:46,794 --> 00:06:48,897
that also means being
open with your thoughts.
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Secrets become far, far more toxic
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00:06:51,731 --> 00:06:55,177
when two, three, four, five
people are involved, right?
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00:06:55,235 --> 00:06:58,595
If you're not sharing your
truth, that's as bad as lying.
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00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:00,843
Okay, I guess I'll put
up one just to be safe?
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00:07:00,863 --> 00:07:03,247
Okay, so, let's move on
to Poly Foul number two.
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00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:06,077
Uh, I... I know this one.
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00:07:06,103 --> 00:07:07,188
- Oh, please, yes.
- May I?
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00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:10,204
It's jealousy, which is
the main reason we're here.
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00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,550
Because if these two can't
learn to be intimate without me,
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00:07:12,585 --> 00:07:15,653
then it's gonna create tension in
other areas of our relationship.
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00:07:15,688 --> 00:07:18,874
Nailed it. Yes. Thank you. Nailed it.
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00:07:18,892 --> 00:07:22,390
Just because your partners
have sex or go to the movies
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00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:23,837
or have sex at the movies without you
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00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,740
- doesn't mean you're being left out.
- Okay, that's two.
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00:07:26,781 --> 00:07:28,865
Okay? Poly Foul number three.
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00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:31,717
Couple's Privilege!
183
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:36,432
Okay? This is the original sin,
the OG of Poly Fouls, all right?
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00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:37,938
'Cause when you're adding a new member,
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00:07:37,944 --> 00:07:41,117
the couple reflexively maintains control
186
00:07:41,149 --> 00:07:43,213
over the reconfigured relationship.
187
00:07:43,249 --> 00:07:45,768
Trakarskys, I'm looking at you. Three.
188
00:07:45,784 --> 00:07:48,397
Moving right along here, there's
no stopping the Poly Foul train.
189
00:07:48,421 --> 00:07:50,254
So, Poly Foul number four.
190
00:07:50,289 --> 00:07:53,273
Majority Doesn't Rule!
191
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,439
Okay, just because the majority
of the partners want something,
192
00:07:56,461 --> 00:07:59,055
it doesn't mean it's necessarily
right for the union, okay?
193
00:07:59,113 --> 00:08:01,684
It could mean that
someone, maybe the unicorn,
194
00:08:01,703 --> 00:08:04,520
maybe the minority gender
is being railroaded.
195
00:08:04,572 --> 00:08:05,810
I don't know. What do you guys think?
196
00:08:05,811 --> 00:08:07,507
- I mean, I wouldn't say that we're...
- Two words... Hawthorne Heights.
197
00:08:07,531 --> 00:08:08,952
- Put it up.
- Okay.
198
00:08:08,971 --> 00:08:10,699
- We're at... We're at four, sir.
- And, finally,
199
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,738
bringing it home with
Poly Foul number five,
200
00:08:12,777 --> 00:08:15,336
which I like to call "The Deal Breaker."
201
00:08:15,348 --> 00:08:16,957
Say it with me when I blow my whistle.
202
00:08:16,982 --> 00:08:18,378
Poly Foul number five is...
203
00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:21,376
Polymonogamy!
204
00:08:21,408 --> 00:08:23,352
Yueck!
205
00:08:26,770 --> 00:08:29,451
Oh, dear Lord.
206
00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:32,427
Looks like the rookies have fouled out.
207
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:41,066
- Hello!
- Carmen, you made it!
208
00:08:41,118 --> 00:08:43,779
You do realize that Emma's
not gonna like this, right?
209
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:46,518
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I shouldn't be here.
210
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:48,611
Well, that is your call,
211
00:08:48,624 --> 00:08:51,059
but Lala's son is
watching our kids upstairs,
212
00:08:51,066 --> 00:08:52,643
which means all you need to decide
213
00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:55,547
- is where to sit and what to drink.
- And I'm in.
214
00:08:55,585 --> 00:08:59,837
Tonight we're gonna be
focusing on Couple's Privilege.
215
00:08:59,856 --> 00:09:01,526
- Oh, great. We're the "befores."
- Yep.
216
00:09:01,531 --> 00:09:04,803
Too frequently, often
reflexively and unconsciously,
217
00:09:04,828 --> 00:09:08,943
the original couple prioritizes
their own goals and desires,
218
00:09:08,953 --> 00:09:11,853
which amounts to ganging
up on the unicorn,
219
00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:14,555
but consequence does not require malice,
220
00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,304
and the consequences
of Couple's Privilege...
221
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,170
... they are very real.
222
00:09:19,196 --> 00:09:22,059
The idea is to deconstruct
and then reconstruct
223
00:09:22,078 --> 00:09:25,470
so that every member of
the relationship is equal.
224
00:09:25,993 --> 00:09:29,044
Okay, all my unicorns, up on
your feet, please! Let's go!
225
00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:32,919
As a rookie, I'd just like
to observe, if that's okay.
226
00:09:32,945 --> 00:09:34,780
Oh, come on. Don't be
difficult. Play nice.
227
00:09:34,806 --> 00:09:36,069
- Yeah, come on. Let's give it a shot.
- I am playing nice. I'm here.
228
00:09:36,093 --> 00:09:37,367
Come on, babe.
229
00:09:37,492 --> 00:09:40,150
Uh, well, maybe we're Couple's
Privilege'ing her right now?
230
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:41,805
Oh, yeah, I mean, just,
you know, sit, stand,
231
00:09:41,829 --> 00:09:45,183
fetal position... whatever you
want. It's... It's her choice.
232
00:09:45,221 --> 00:09:48,253
- Yes, so I will sit.
- Well, if... if that's what you want.
233
00:09:48,263 --> 00:09:49,655
- Yeah, I mean, but don't do...
- Honestly.
234
00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:51,282
You know, don't do the
opposite of what you think
235
00:09:51,306 --> 00:09:53,017
we want you to do just
to, like, prove a point.
236
00:09:53,041 --> 00:09:54,068
- Okay!
- Okay.
237
00:09:54,119 --> 00:09:56,068
Wait. Wait. Was that a trick?
238
00:09:56,078 --> 00:09:58,047
- What? No. We wouldn't...
- We don't play tricks.
239
00:09:58,089 --> 00:10:00,522
- This is...
- Whatever you want. This is your choice.
240
00:10:00,543 --> 00:10:02,667
- We don't manipulate.
- Freedom of choice.
241
00:10:02,693 --> 00:10:04,196
You know what, because... because now...
242
00:10:04,206 --> 00:10:07,783
- now I'm just fuckin' confused, so...
- Hey, babe, babe. Close your eyes.
243
00:10:07,821 --> 00:10:10,102
Shh, shh. Close 'em.
Close 'em. Close 'em.
244
00:10:10,124 --> 00:10:11,995
Ignore us and just do...
245
00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:13,926
You know, whatever she wants, right?
246
00:10:13,959 --> 00:10:15,380
Maybe I don't want to close my eyes.
247
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,795
- Jesus.
- Then keep them open.
248
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,399
- Keep one shut, one open.
- I'm up.
249
00:10:20,038 --> 00:10:22,401
Okay. Good.
250
00:10:22,436 --> 00:10:25,374
Go, Izzy! Go, Izzy!
251
00:10:25,845 --> 00:10:27,880
Unicorns, I want you
to tell me something.
252
00:10:27,932 --> 00:10:31,242
If you could be any part
of your couple's home,
253
00:10:31,277 --> 00:10:32,811
what would you be and why?
254
00:10:32,846 --> 00:10:36,157
- Let's start with, uh, Erica.
- The solarium.
255
00:10:36,216 --> 00:10:38,651
It's sunny and bright,
like the perfect morning.
256
00:10:38,685 --> 00:10:43,625
Ahh! You melt me, Erica!
That's a very good answer, yes.
257
00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:45,511
That's why I do this, yes!
258
00:10:45,550 --> 00:10:48,703
For answers like that. Okay,
so, let's move on to, um, Izzy.
259
00:10:51,907 --> 00:10:53,672
You want me to follow
the Perfect Morning Chick?
260
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,776
- Come on, man.
- Uh...
261
00:10:56,229 --> 00:10:59,795
Fine. Uh, I don't know.
262
00:11:02,275 --> 00:11:04,808
The... front door.
263
00:11:04,846 --> 00:11:06,461
- What'd she say?
- What'd she say?
264
00:11:06,468 --> 00:11:09,142
And why did you pick the front door?
265
00:11:13,438 --> 00:11:15,152
Because I was...
266
00:11:15,187 --> 00:11:18,581
Because I was closed before
I met Jack and Emma. There.
267
00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:19,857
No, that's...
268
00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:21,191
- Keep going.
- Just keep going.
269
00:11:21,226 --> 00:11:22,923
You're doing good.
270
00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:26,163
Nobody could unlock me.
271
00:11:26,198 --> 00:11:28,459
- Oh.
- Um...
272
00:11:29,735 --> 00:11:32,168
Turns out I needed two keys.
273
00:11:33,945 --> 00:11:37,349
Um, two... two very specific keys.
274
00:11:37,394 --> 00:11:40,710
To... open me...
275
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:43,525
back up. Um...
276
00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:47,990
To feel things that I was scared to feel
277
00:11:48,022 --> 00:11:50,852
and t... to love...
278
00:11:51,162 --> 00:11:53,355
even though I could lose...
279
00:11:53,391 --> 00:11:55,800
and, um...
280
00:11:57,202 --> 00:12:01,647
to open my heart even
though it could be broken.
281
00:12:03,334 --> 00:12:05,959
They made me brave.
282
00:12:07,470 --> 00:12:09,505
That's really sweet.
283
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,883
And then you closed
that door behind you.
284
00:12:11,915 --> 00:12:14,041
- W... what do you mean by that?
- You shut the door.
285
00:12:14,093 --> 00:12:16,631
- Fermer la porte. Yeah.
- I'm confused, because...
286
00:12:16,756 --> 00:12:18,776
Am I the door, or am I... am I...
287
00:12:18,789 --> 00:12:21,192
am I the person closing the
door? I'm... I'm confused.
288
00:12:21,761 --> 00:12:24,898
- Please, unicorns, be seated. Thank you.
- I don't understand...
289
00:12:24,913 --> 00:12:26,386
- Shh.
- I believe there are
290
00:12:26,511 --> 00:12:28,856
many doors, many parts of your lives
291
00:12:28,897 --> 00:12:32,928
that were revealed and
released by your adventure.
292
00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:34,696
But that larger door,
293
00:12:34,732 --> 00:12:38,087
the door to your hearts and
souls and, yes, your bodies,
294
00:12:38,335 --> 00:12:40,283
that door, you closed behind you.
295
00:12:40,665 --> 00:12:42,537
- Isn't that right, Jack?
- What?
296
00:12:44,742 --> 00:12:46,645
I don't know. I'm just
here for the meatballs.
297
00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:48,087
Not funny.
298
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:53,814
Okay, fine, um, I guess
we're a closed-door throuple.
299
00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:57,484
Easy, people. Nobody died.
300
00:12:57,519 --> 00:12:58,765
- Relax.
- Yeah, no one died,
301
00:12:58,796 --> 00:13:01,871
but it sure seems like you're intent
on suffocating your relationship.
302
00:13:02,584 --> 00:13:05,059
I guess that, uh, makes us...
303
00:13:05,094 --> 00:13:06,869
Emma, please don't say it. Please.
304
00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:08,630
Say it, Emma. Say it.
305
00:13:08,631 --> 00:13:10,518
Rookie of the Year. Come on.
306
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:12,849
We're EJI...
307
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,871
and we are... polymonogamists.
308
00:13:22,610 --> 00:13:24,288
They're clapping. That's encouraging.
309
00:13:24,312 --> 00:13:26,799
It's not a good kind of clapping.
310
00:13:26,825 --> 00:13:29,151
That is a very sad kind of clapping.
311
00:13:29,751 --> 00:13:31,316
Stop clapping!
312
00:13:36,124 --> 00:13:38,076
- Whoa!
- Oh, shit.
313
00:13:38,127 --> 00:13:39,659
Wow.
314
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,460
Wait. Pause.
315
00:13:41,496 --> 00:13:44,034
- Who's that woman?
- That's Mylie Dugan.
316
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:46,779
She's the next-door neighbor who
turned out to be a Canadian spy.
317
00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:48,220
And her daughter, Skyler,
318
00:13:48,246 --> 00:13:50,592
was a cheerleading captain
until she had an abortion.
319
00:13:50,623 --> 00:13:53,708
What?! She had to step down
just because she had an abortion?
320
00:13:53,741 --> 00:13:56,508
And then she joined a racist,
drug-peddling motorcycle gang.
321
00:13:56,543 --> 00:13:58,266
Ah.
322
00:14:00,043 --> 00:14:02,915
Don't take the joint, Skyler!
323
00:14:03,123 --> 00:14:05,790
Oh, come on. Just say no. Just say no!
324
00:14:05,821 --> 00:14:08,426
She's barely older than my baby!
325
00:14:08,455 --> 00:14:09,993
Well, brace yourself, Lala.
326
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:14,038
Your "baby" is precisely the
median age of peak THC ingestion.
327
00:14:14,090 --> 00:14:16,681
Mm-hmm. I smoked my share at that age.
328
00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:19,518
And you still smoke the
exact same share at this age.
329
00:14:19,531 --> 00:14:21,934
Well, that's 'cause I'm exercising
my Constitutional rights.
330
00:14:21,969 --> 00:14:23,807
Same.
331
00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:26,133
Bob and I had a... a
pretty cool Mayan pipe
332
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,890
we bought on vacation.
333
00:14:28,303 --> 00:14:30,441
Eh, we lost it in the fire.
334
00:14:30,476 --> 00:14:31,843
Wait. You had a fire?
335
00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:35,171
Yeah, just after the
divorce in my backyard.
336
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:36,902
In a large compost bin.
337
00:14:36,922 --> 00:14:39,560
Sadly, almost everything Bob so
much as looked at was in there.
338
00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:42,849
Okay, well, maybe Marty and
Will could break out their stash.
339
00:14:42,890 --> 00:14:45,567
Oh, no, no, no. Not with...
Not with Alex just upstairs.
340
00:14:45,591 --> 00:14:47,424
Yeah, we're all tapped anyways.
341
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,426
And the dispensary's closed, so...
342
00:14:49,551 --> 00:14:50,648
Do you hear that?
343
00:14:51,330 --> 00:14:52,689
Hear what?
344
00:14:53,372 --> 00:14:54,765
Nothing.
345
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,798
They're out cold!
346
00:14:58,537 --> 00:14:59,594
Nobody has any weed?
347
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:01,392
- Shh!
- Seriously?
348
00:15:04,510 --> 00:15:06,575
Anyway, yeah, I may know somebody.
349
00:15:06,979 --> 00:15:08,779
We fouled out, and you
two don't even care.
350
00:15:08,814 --> 00:15:11,025
Em, come on. The guy's
a failed gym teacher.
351
00:15:11,049 --> 00:15:12,993
How do you fail at being
a gym teacher, by the way?
352
00:15:13,014 --> 00:15:14,830
- Exactly.
- It's pretty dorky. I mean, you got to admit.
353
00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:16,787
Yeah, well, you have to admit that
354
00:15:16,798 --> 00:15:18,667
everything he said was pretty
much right on the money.
355
00:15:18,691 --> 00:15:21,268
Thank you, Emma. Mm-hmm.
356
00:15:21,293 --> 00:15:24,862
Oh, sh... Um, sorry about
the gym-teacher thing.
357
00:15:24,897 --> 00:15:28,432
Ah, it's okay. Maybe they were right.
358
00:15:28,467 --> 00:15:30,695
Maybe I was a little "overzealous."
359
00:15:30,715 --> 00:15:32,413
You know, maybe elementary students
360
00:15:32,442 --> 00:15:34,989
aren't "emotionally
prepared for Krav Maga."
361
00:15:35,062 --> 00:15:37,687
Well, I got to say, your
Poly Fouls did bring up
362
00:15:37,702 --> 00:15:39,435
a lot of stuff that we
should be working on, so...
363
00:15:39,459 --> 00:15:42,260
- Yeah.
- You can think about those first four all you want,
364
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,007
but successful polymonogamy
will still be Santa Claus
365
00:15:46,038 --> 00:15:48,618
riding the Loch Ness
Monster into Atlantis.
366
00:15:48,653 --> 00:15:51,996
You can't prove it never
happened, but it never happened.
367
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:55,298
Exactly right. Crystal clear.
Perfect answer. That's great.
368
00:15:55,326 --> 00:15:58,828
See? I mean, it contradicts
the very core of polyamory.
369
00:15:58,863 --> 00:16:00,441
Technical foul, automatic ejection.
370
00:16:00,477 --> 00:16:02,609
I'd blow my whistle,
but my neighbors hate me.
371
00:16:03,139 --> 00:16:05,631
Well, it seems to be
working for us, Coach.
372
00:16:05,637 --> 00:16:07,946
- Yeah, maybe we're pioneers.
- Maybe.
373
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:11,274
See, I... See, I said something,
374
00:16:11,290 --> 00:16:12,308
and then Jack said something,
375
00:16:12,318 --> 00:16:13,586
so it kind of feels weird
with you standing there
376
00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:15,555
with your dick in your
hands making us look stupid.
377
00:16:15,579 --> 00:16:17,211
A, I don't have a dick,
378
00:16:17,247 --> 00:16:18,832
and, B, we don't always
have to agree on everything.
379
00:16:18,856 --> 00:16:21,844
- I know that.
- Yes, and that is exactly right, Emma.
380
00:16:21,902 --> 00:16:24,653
Your way is working... for now.
381
00:16:24,688 --> 00:16:27,456
But polyamory is all about exploring,
382
00:16:27,491 --> 00:16:29,925
living your desires,
not suppressing them.
383
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:32,535
Jack and Emma, you stepped
outside of your relationship
384
00:16:32,548 --> 00:16:34,896
to find a spark, and
that spark's name is Izzy.
385
00:16:35,113 --> 00:16:36,902
I'm liking this.
386
00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:40,437
So why shouldn't she have the
same opportunity to explore?
387
00:16:40,471 --> 00:16:42,939
Yeah, I'm... I'm not...
We're not so sure about that.
388
00:16:42,973 --> 00:16:44,939
- No.
- Oh, really?
389
00:16:45,022 --> 00:16:48,127
- Is that what you want?
- No, no, I... It's...
390
00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:49,916
not for you to say, right?
391
00:16:49,936 --> 00:16:51,808
'Cause he said with the...
with... with the whistles.
392
00:16:51,832 --> 00:16:53,828
That's not who we are, though,
right? We're not swingers.
393
00:16:55,063 --> 00:16:57,428
Whoa. It's okay, it's
okay, it's okay. Okay.
394
00:16:57,553 --> 00:17:00,511
Did they have the torches and
pitchforks a few seconds ago?
395
00:17:00,523 --> 00:17:02,982
Team, I know, it's okay. Let's
just calm down a little bit.
396
00:17:03,025 --> 00:17:05,995
It's a very hurtful and
ugly word, but, you know...
397
00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:07,567
What word are you
talking about? "Swinger"?
398
00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:09,976
Jesus! Okay, hey, hey,
hey. It's okay, it's okay.
399
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,677
Jack, by all means, keep saying
it till they cook and eat us.
400
00:17:12,707 --> 00:17:15,405
Let's... Okay, I'm sorry.
Let's let that fade away,
401
00:17:15,426 --> 00:17:17,240
turn the temperature
down, and maybe it's time
402
00:17:17,272 --> 00:17:19,110
for a little unicorn group therapy, hmm?
403
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,932
Besides, it'd be a shame to
waste that 1,800 bucks, right?
404
00:17:21,943 --> 00:17:24,490
- No refunds. No refunds.
- Oh, fuck me.
405
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,040
I forgot about that. You know what?
406
00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:27,870
I'm gonna eat all the
meatballs you guys have in here.
407
00:17:27,891 --> 00:17:28,986
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, boy.
408
00:17:29,022 --> 00:17:31,055
- Again with the meatballs.
- The meatballs are gone!
409
00:17:31,079 --> 00:17:32,536
Great.
410
00:17:33,482 --> 00:17:34,883
We're gonna talk about group sex
411
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:36,801
in their adolescent daughter's room.
412
00:17:36,858 --> 00:17:38,837
Feeling good, yeah.
413
00:17:38,899 --> 00:17:41,979
Is anyone else retracing every
turn that led here? Or it's just me?
414
00:17:42,031 --> 00:17:45,002
I wanted to go to the
Caribbean for our anniversary.
415
00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:46,966
Cool, cool, cool. I was just asking.
416
00:17:47,002 --> 00:17:49,716
But Scott and Max booked
a ski trip to Vail!
417
00:17:49,753 --> 00:17:52,671
- Oh, shit.
- I almost broke my ankle.
418
00:17:52,859 --> 00:17:54,141
Ohh.
419
00:17:54,337 --> 00:17:56,755
Stepping off of a barstool in the lodge.
420
00:17:56,944 --> 00:17:59,494
It was so horrible.
421
00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,478
I don't know. Does a...
422
00:18:01,504 --> 00:18:04,879
does a vacation in Vail
really qualify as... ?
423
00:18:06,165 --> 00:18:08,863
So they knew you... you hated skiing?
424
00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:10,445
Oh, I don't hate skiing.
425
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:12,889
Oh.
426
00:18:13,504 --> 00:18:14,729
Okay.
427
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:17,696
If I may be so bold,
428
00:18:17,882 --> 00:18:22,047
did they also pay for this
vacation that haunts your soul?
429
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,365
Exactly.
430
00:18:23,401 --> 00:18:25,924
Why do we always have to be
the ones who have to compromise?
431
00:18:25,955 --> 00:18:27,944
Nope, not an "exactly" situation.
432
00:18:27,965 --> 00:18:29,330
At all, is it?
433
00:18:29,366 --> 00:18:31,371
- We should rehearse a play.
- Yeah.
434
00:18:31,397 --> 00:18:33,745
And make our lovers understand
how selfish they're being.
435
00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:37,292
- That's a good idea.
- Absolutely not.
436
00:18:37,604 --> 00:18:40,416
A, this isn't the Catskills,
437
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,972
and that's never, ever happening,
438
00:18:41,977 --> 00:18:44,667
and, B, have you guys
ever heard of the phrase...
439
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:48,442
What is it? Oh, yeah.
"First-world problems."
440
00:18:48,479 --> 00:18:50,176
So you're saying you've
never felt pressured
441
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,801
by your lovers' decisions?
442
00:18:52,489 --> 00:18:53,889
Hmm.
443
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,567
A little, I guess.
444
00:18:59,853 --> 00:19:02,432
Like, the three of us
445
00:19:02,494 --> 00:19:05,042
buying a house in their
old neighborhood, I guess.
446
00:19:05,073 --> 00:19:07,497
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.
447
00:19:07,528 --> 00:19:09,450
Okay, s... so maybe I feel like...
448
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,027
my lovahs railroaded me
449
00:19:11,032 --> 00:19:13,136
just... just a smidge... just a smidgen.
450
00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:15,065
You don't need to say
"lovers" like that.
451
00:19:15,078 --> 00:19:16,603
I think I do. It's fun.
452
00:19:16,624 --> 00:19:19,357
It seems unfair for you to
have to pay for their house.
453
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:20,574
What happens when you want to have
454
00:19:20,590 --> 00:19:22,793
your own primary relationship one day?
455
00:19:23,272 --> 00:19:26,171
Oh, well, it's...
it's... it's our house.
456
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,114
We... We're gonna raise our kids,
457
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,534
'cause we're gonna share custody, yeah.
458
00:19:30,791 --> 00:19:32,803
And it is my primary relationship.
459
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,398
You know, till death do
us part. Ah-ah! Ah! Yeah.
460
00:19:36,444 --> 00:19:40,119
- Hmm.
- So it's their neighborhood.
461
00:19:40,176 --> 00:19:42,383
- Mm-hmm.
- He's the biological dad.
462
00:19:42,466 --> 00:19:45,674
- Well, I don't know. Just kidding. He is.
- And, uh,
463
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:48,222
- she's the biological mom.
- Mm-hmm.
464
00:19:48,584 --> 00:19:50,496
So what are you exactly?
465
00:19:50,621 --> 00:19:53,240
H... he means, like, besides stuck?
466
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:56,010
Uh...
467
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,855
Ooh!
468
00:20:01,980 --> 00:20:04,630
And that, ladies, is
the one and only way
469
00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:06,020
to make a proper Old Fashioned.
470
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,415
Ooh, ooh, I'll have sex on the beach.
471
00:20:08,428 --> 00:20:10,625
But hold the beach.
472
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:12,021
Get it?
473
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:14,026
'Cause I'm saying I
want you to give me sex.
474
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,879
I'm saving myself for marriage.
475
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:19,033
Then how 'bout I propose
a red-eye to Vegas,
476
00:20:19,075 --> 00:20:21,504
a quickie wedding, and then
all your dreams come true?
477
00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:27,652
Assuming all you dream about is
hungover, puffy, middle-aged moms.
478
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,440
Well, I dream of little else.
479
00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:36,567
All right, so, what now? Should
we talk about what we learned?
480
00:20:36,614 --> 00:20:39,267
Uh, yeah, it was all kinds
of hypocritical. The end.
481
00:20:39,392 --> 00:20:41,286
- How's that?
- Well, they say poly's
482
00:20:41,322 --> 00:20:43,306
supposed to be no rules
and no restrictions,
483
00:20:43,307 --> 00:20:44,961
and they make up a bunch
of rules and restrictions.
484
00:20:44,971 --> 00:20:46,775
I know, right? We should do it our way.
485
00:20:46,811 --> 00:20:48,217
I mean, fuck 'em!
486
00:20:48,645 --> 00:20:50,010
- Not you guys.
- Yeah.
487
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,546
Um, you guys are cool.
488
00:20:51,582 --> 00:20:53,081
- Awesome!
- Yep.
489
00:20:53,317 --> 00:20:55,081
- See you at the next soirée.
- Yeah, well,
490
00:20:55,096 --> 00:20:57,334
we might need to talk more
about this, but not tonight,
491
00:20:57,773 --> 00:21:01,727
'cause tonight I have other plans.
492
00:21:03,694 --> 00:21:05,944
- Is she trying to seduce us?
- I hope so.
493
00:21:05,981 --> 00:21:07,729
We better hurry before
she changes her mind.
494
00:21:09,966 --> 00:21:13,243
Are you God?!
495
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:16,605
"The Stoned Housewives
of Hawthorne Heights."
496
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,306
Copyright!
497
00:21:18,342 --> 00:21:21,351
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
be so fuckin' rich.
498
00:21:24,226 --> 00:21:26,778
At least you don't
process THC like a toddler.
499
00:21:26,814 --> 00:21:27,879
Hey, do you ever feel like
500
00:21:27,894 --> 00:21:30,008
you're a supporting
character in their TV show?
501
00:21:30,091 --> 00:21:33,042
Jack, Emma, and Izzy?
Like, that's your life?
502
00:21:33,285 --> 00:21:36,090
Oh, God. Oh, God, you're right.
503
00:21:36,334 --> 00:21:38,059
We're the besties, you and me.
504
00:21:38,094 --> 00:21:40,427
We only exist so that they
can externalize their feelings.
505
00:21:40,463 --> 00:21:42,427
- What do we do?
- I don't know! I don't know!
506
00:21:42,465 --> 00:21:45,140
Maybe... Maybe, uh, a spinoff!
507
00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:47,768
♪ Nina ♪
508
00:21:47,803 --> 00:21:50,114
♪ Mm, mm, that's my Nina ♪
509
00:21:50,133 --> 00:21:53,807
♪ Doo, do, doo-doo-doo,
doo, that's my Nina ♪
510
00:21:53,932 --> 00:21:56,710
- What are you doing?
- I'm just singing my theme song.
511
00:21:56,746 --> 00:22:00,062
It's empowering.
512
00:22:01,350 --> 00:22:03,576
So you're stealing my girl, huh?
513
00:22:03,701 --> 00:22:07,167
Well, not you specifically,
but this place, this...
514
00:22:07,206 --> 00:22:09,590
"Hawthorne Heights."
515
00:22:09,625 --> 00:22:12,159
I'll make sure you feel welcome here.
516
00:22:14,287 --> 00:22:15,947
Aww.
517
00:22:17,499 --> 00:22:18,931
Mm.
518
00:22:18,966 --> 00:22:21,581
And I'll make sure
you feel welcome there.
519
00:22:21,969 --> 00:22:25,772
♪ They're Carmen and Nina ♪
520
00:22:25,807 --> 00:22:28,040
♪ And we do what we want ♪
521
00:22:28,075 --> 00:22:30,270
♪
Bee-nee-nee ♪
522
00:22:30,578 --> 00:22:33,423
♪ Nothin' gonna stop 'em now ♪
523
00:22:38,707 --> 00:22:40,687
Feels strange, right?
524
00:22:40,722 --> 00:22:44,102
- Very.
- But we can do it.
525
00:22:44,158 --> 00:22:45,917
Yeah, we can.
526
00:22:46,042 --> 00:22:48,178
For Em.
527
00:22:51,732 --> 00:22:53,699
Honey, are you sure?
528
00:22:56,537 --> 00:22:58,203
Are you sure it's okay?
529
00:22:58,238 --> 00:23:00,994
- Depends.
- On what?
530
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,442
Are you two ready to
get it on without me?
531
00:23:05,379 --> 00:23:07,945
- Sure.
- Yeah. I think we're good.
532
00:23:09,696 --> 00:23:12,364
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
533
00:23:14,755 --> 00:23:18,274
- So the sex slump's over?
- Mm-hmm, but not because
534
00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:21,021
we're subscribing to any
arbitrary bullshit rules.
535
00:23:21,027 --> 00:23:23,828
It's just because I think it's
really hot to watch you get it on.
536
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:40,000
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
41598
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