All language subtitles for The Kids Are Alright 1x22 - Whales (English)

Gangway! Bedpans coming through.

I pray you do not drop those.

Doubly so if they are fully loaded.

Fr. Abdi.
You here to perform Last Rites?

If you need me to,
I don't mind closing their eyes.

The trick is a light touch.

Just enough to get the lids started.

I am bringing these old people
the comfort of God,

although for many of them

morphine does the heavy lifting.

Yeah, a lot of the patients

in this side of the building
are pretty out of it.

I'm not too comfortable around them.

Then they are the ones
who need you the most.

Extend yourself, Frank, as a Christian.

Give them your friendship.

Is it really a friendship

if they keep mistaking me
for little Ephraim

who died of typhus?

Just go in any of these rooms,
talk, and hold their hands.

Then afterwards, wash yours
with the very hottest water

'cause these folks have diseases

we thought were wiped out decades ago.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Fair warning... a screw from the pot lid

fell into the potatoes.

So swallow more than chew.

Actually, don't swallow it.

This family is already asking
too much of that toilet.

I feel bad for the toilet,
I always apologize.

I got a parish council meeting tomorrow.

They're worried donations
are down at the church.

Well, they'll have
to tighten their belts

like everybody else.

I suggest smaller communion wafers.

There, I just saved them
a million dollars.

Our grade school needs that money

for new playground equipment.

Yeah, I'm fed up with
that lopsided teeter-totter.

In my day we made our own teeter-totter.

Balanced a plank on this guy named Chip

who liked to hang around the schoolyard.

Older guy. Always had candy.

Strange fella but sturdy back.

I'm worried about all these cutbacks

affecting St. Agnes'.

They might have to close
their doors forever.

Oh, no! How will the old people get out?

They usually get rolled out feet-first.

You know, in Japanese culture,
old people don't get

sent off to homes.

All generations live under one roof.

Okay, well, what do the Japanese know?

They can't even operate a fork.

The church needs to stop wasting
money on children,

and put it into old people.

They're the future.

That's a surprising
point of view from you, Mom.

My mother's sudden
concern for the elderly

wasn't so much surprising
as it was self-serving.

A few months back
Mom's ancient Aunt Tess

had suddenly become her responsibility,

so my folks moved her into St. Agnes'.

Aunt Tess didn't really mind...

What time does the ship dock
in Ashtabula, Captain?

...because she didn't have
much of a mind left.

Say hello to my cousin George
from Collinsville.

You think it's okay for us to go?

- I said say hello!
- Hello.

Now where's my Honey Baked Ham?

Much like Aunt Tess, we kids had no idea

who or where she was,
which is how Mom wanted it.

If things don't pick up,

the St. Agnes' folks
might have to relocate

to other more expensive homes.

Or move in with loved ones.
Or even family.

The last thing my mother wanted

was another mush-brained
goofball under her roof.

Potato mill!

Knock it off.

What? I'm straining it for screws.

Found the screw!

Swallowed it. Sorry, toilet!

My mom made up her mind...

the church had to find the money

to keep St. Agnes' open.

Is that Davey's snake?

I'm snake-sitting while he and his mom

are on a wine tasting trip
with her boyfriend.

They brought Davey along
because he just got his permit

and they're drunks.

- Can I hold him?
- Sure.

Oh! I'm sorry.

I was all braced for slimy,
but he was disturbingly dry.

He's getting away!

Don't just stand there, find him.

That snake is the closest thing
to a father

Davey has ever known.

There he is!

Careful. Do not scare him.

We won't.

He looks grumpy.

Like Dad in the car
when someone sits on his maps.

- The can.
- Grab the stick.

- Use the stick. Use the stick.
- Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing.

Get him in the can. Stop, stop, stop.

- A little more...
- You got it!

Got it!

Timmy, you dropped him.
Reach in and pull it out.

Is Davey sure he's not poisonous?

He's got no idea.

They found that thing in their muffler

when they got home from Mexico.

We're coming up short
on the Sunday collections,

so it's time for a little refresher

for the ushers.

Especially the new recruits.

Hey, guys. Excited to be here.

This basket...

does not fill itself.

Eye contact.

Steady hand.

Really stare 'em down.

We gave them music and a cracker.

Time to pay the piper.

Some very good ideas, Mr. Mike Cleary.

But all this laying on of guilt-trips?

Do we want people to come
to mass to feel shame?

This is still
the Catholic church, right?

We can't afford to be
namby-pamby about money.

I come from a tradition

where the Church serves the congregants,

- not the other way around.
- Yeah, I'm sure that's fine

when the collection basket is a gourd

and they're filling it
with beads and animal teeth.

No judgment, but with Fr. Dunne,

these meetings were about how to spend

all the money coming in.

I mean, you take over,
donations are down.

Again, no judgment.

What would it sound like with judgment?

So much worse.

As much as we all miss Fr. Dunne,

I believe God will answer
our monetary prayers.

Praying is nice,

but we need something that works.

We have to help
those old folks at St. Agnes'

or the Japanese will beat us again.

St. Agnes will be getting
all of our proceeds

from our glamorous Monte Carlo Night,

with blackjack tables and fondue.

Yeah, melted cheese
on rented felt tables?

We won't be getting that deposit back.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, Fr. Dunne,
what an unexpected pleasure.

Not Father,

just Cecil.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was, uh... making love to my wife.

First time during the day...
very interesting.

I invited Cecil to stop by.

I'm not here to step
on anyone's cassock, Father.

Just tell him what you did
when you ran things here

that made everything so much better.

The collection basket
only takes you so far.

The big money has to come

from deep pockets in the community.

Deep pockets!

Already he's making more sense
than anybody here.

I'd be happy to talk to some
of the business leaders in town,

schmooze them, play some golf...

maybe shake the trees a little.

That is very kind, Cecil,

but I can do my own schmoozing.

I've actually shaken trees.

Mostly for guavas,

but I can no doubt do it for money

just as proficiently.

Well, I'm here to help if you need it.

- He needs it.
- You can help most

by enjoying your retirement
and, uh, afternoon fun

you've discovered with your bride.

Meeting adjourned.

Donut time.

Look, I think it's
a little shortsighted...

Not as shortsighted
as getting between me

and my donuts.

Our little friend had
a good night's sleep,

hopefully he's chilled out.

Jeez, what's he mad at me for?

I even threw a pork chop
in there for him last night.

Snakes actually get more aggressive

after they've eaten.

And I wondered what happened
to my pork chop.

Oh, crud, Dad's coming!

Quick, act casual.

Whatever you're praying for,

I will find out.

We have to say something.

He knows what he's getting himself into.

No. Exactly the opposite.

Would you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to pray.

Great, now he's got Mom's table scraps

to fuel his rage.

No, it's okay,

I prayed for God to turn
the snake into a puppy.

There is no God!

My Mom leaned on Fr. Abdi

to let her go with him
looking for donors,

and Catholics tend

to get more motivated to butter up God

when they think
they're about to meet him.

And the second water buffalo said,

"I wanted to get to the udder side."

Excuse me, Father.

Oh, Mrs. Peggy Cleary.

Did you meet my friend
Mrs. Ava Greenblatt?

Oh, it's my pleasure, honey.

Have some of my daughter's rugelach.

It's very rich,
that's why she's so heavy.

Fr. Abdi's supposed to be here

comforting Mr. Fitzpatrick
across the hall,

who shares our faith and is loaded.

I checked on him but he was asleep.

Well, the nurse says he's awake now,

and she's given him enough pills

to steady his check-signing hand.

Ooh, go. Tell him
the water buffalo joke,

he'll plotz.

Honestly...

Oh, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

I should administer the Last Rites.

As long as the last thing
he writes is a check.

Mr. Fitzpatrick's check-signing
hand did not survive,

so my mom had to go fishing
for a different kind of whale.

...so come on down

to Tex O'Shaughnessy's Auto Kingdom

and say howdy to me
and my trusty dog Fido.

Eh, and, remember,

I'll give you the shirt
off my back to make a deal!

Let's close the deal on this guy

before that thing pecks his eyes out.

Cut!

Sweetheart, hand me a fresh shirt

and my wedding ring.

Nice of you folks to wait.

The public cannot get enough
of these commercials.

Thank you for seeing us,

Mr. Tex O'Shaughnessy of the television.

You don't have to grease
this guy's wheels,

he's got a whole service
department for that.

We are hoping for a...

sizeable donation to our church.

Well, I believe I can manage that

in exchange

for a well-placed ad
in your weekly bulletin.

Plus maybe an occasional mention
in the sermon.

Mm, I don't think
I should be selling cars

from the altar.

Just slip something in.

No one's hanging
on your every word anyway.

You know what? You got that
big stained-glass window, right?

Picture this... Jesus carrying his cross

in the bed of a brand-new El Camino.

This feels like we are getting away

from the proper role of the church.

Well, I am a businessman, Father, but...

I guess I could

donate one of my surplus inventory.

You like this here ragtop?

- Hey.
- Mm-hmm.

She is cherry.

That's very generous, Tex,
but we prefer cash.

Well, you could sell it for cash
or raffle it off.

Or... I could drive it with the top down

and the wind in my hair

on my way to visiting the wretched.

Fr. Dunne's old Bonneville's
a real clunker.

Okay, we'll take it,
and we'll raffle it off.

Thank you.

Yes, and I will continue
to drive the Bonneville

right up until I die.

We get it, you're going to Heaven.

This guy.

Frank couldn't stop thinking

about Fr. Abdi's challenge
that he try to bring joy

to those who need it the most

but would remember it the least.

Oh, good. Fully clothed.

Good day, ma'am. How are you?

Paul-Michael,

you're back from the war!

What?

Ring the bell, Paul-Michael!

Uh, ding, ding.

No, don't say "ding, ding."
Just ring the damn bell.

Oh, I hear it now.

So beautiful.

Who's Paul-Michael?
I-Is this Paul-Michael?

Paul-Michael is my horse,

you know that very well, Ephraim.

Oh, I-I figured Ephraim would turn up.

When Daddy lost his job at the mill,

we had to eat Paul-Michael.

Hold on. This is my mom.

Do you know my mom?

That's our dog, Sassafras.

When Daddy lost his job, we ate him.

Ring the bell!

Uh, ding, ding!

Now you got it.

I'll take 10 more tickets, please.

It won't look good if you win.

You know what will look good?

Me behind the wheel having fun, fun, fun

till my daddy in Heaven
takes my ragtop away.

Car better be fast,

whole parish will be chasing after you

with fondue forks.

Let's do this. Mama is ready to play.

Sure, you'll call yourself mama now

but not when I ask you to.

You're betting all of it?

Scared money don't win.

Let's hope this goes better than Reno.

- What?
- Nothing.

19! Outta sight!

Dealer has blackjack.

Ah! Let's hit the fondue, Mama.

Tell the girl I want a Sea Breeze.

I'll be right back.

Pretty good haul so far
for the oldsters.

Who knew you could make a buck

by preying on the weaknesses
of foolish people.

Everybody, Mike.

Everybody with a house nicer than ours.

I mean, Caesar built
a whole palace in Vegas

based on that little "secret."

$40, please.

Wendi, you worked all summer
for that money.

You sure you want to do this?

Are we back in caveman times?

Wendi is a liberated woman fully capable

of making her own idiotic choices.

Thank you, Mrs. Cleary.
Actually, make it a hundred.

Hit me.

Player busts.

Hit me.

Busts again.

That's because this donkey took my four.

Are you kidding me?!

Really? Really?

That's 21.

- Great, why don't you kiss me?
- What?

Oh, I like to be kissed
while I'm getting...

Double down.

Are you trying to lose?
The dealer's showing an ace.

- Let's get some fresh air.
- Get your hands off me.

Security! And where is
my damn Sea Breeze?

Stop bothering the money.

Look, do I need to introduce you
to the boys in the back?

I've never seen her like this, Mom.

She's got the fever.

Let's hope it turns into pneumonia,

and she coughs up even more
to support the cause.

Keep spending, everybody!
It's for the seniors!

They're a treasure
that we love and then bury.

Ha ha ha. You love senior citizens?

If I didn't know better,

I would think that I was in the presence

of the great Phyllis Diller.

I know we have a secret aunt

and that you're shutting her
away from us

in St. Agnes'.

We have a secret aunt?

You've got bigger stuff to worry about.

Your girlfriend's over there
blowing her college fund.

Go see if she needs more chips.

Why have we never visited
this revered family-member

or invited her over for Christmas?

Why? To stick her in the corner
and string lights on her?

My aunt has no idea who you are, Frank,

and I envy her.

How could you treat
a family member like this?

Here she is

as a beautiful young girl
with hopes and dreams,

sitting on the horse she ate.

After this hand,

I'm driving you to get some help.

But first, we'll stop at a pawn shop

and see what we can get for these.

Player has blackjack!

- Oh, my God, I won!
- Cool!

Let's celebrate at a place
that's not here!

Not a chance. I'm on a roll.

- Wendi, one hand...
- I'm on. A roll!

Winner.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Player wins!
- Yes, yes, yes!

- Player has blackjack!
- Whoo!

Dealer busts.

- Eee!
- Aah!

What in holy heck? She's winning?

We need that money!

Double down.

She's got a lot of cheddar on the table.

I knew it. Someone spilled the fondue.

Dealer busts.

You won!

- No, no, no!
- Baby, you won!

Ah, well... that was a rush.

I'd like to cash out, please.

No! Keep playing! Risk it all!

A good gambler knows when to quit.

Wendi's run of luck was great for her

but not so great for St. Agnes'.

All right.

Try and give it a rev, Rev.

When it makes that
"di-di-di-di-di" sound,

that's Bonneville language
for "get a bus pass, Abdi."

Sorry to intrude.

I couldn't help but notice
from my window

that you're, uh, wrestling
with old Bonnie here.

Now that I know she has a name,

I'm going to feel bad
when I push her off a cliff.

Want to have a look, Mr. Dunne?

I know a few tricks...

ought to get this old girl humming.

Just like I do with my new wife.

You've made it very clear
you've been getting some.

Try it now.

Sometimes the choke plate gets stuck.

Hmm.

That did work.

Thank you very much, Cecil.

You're welcome, Bootaan.
It feels good to be helpful.

It is easy to dismiss
an old car like this

because it has traveled many miles

and doesn't run as smoothly
as it used to.

But it still has much to offer.

Are you out of your mind?
This is a piece of junk.

I was being metaphorical.

Forget it, you're a
very frustrating man.

- Raffle winner coming through!
- Oh!

What's funny is,
I only bought one ticket.

Mm, then that makes my story
200 times funnier.

I just saw Dad pull up with Aunt Tess.

Oh, and here comes the reason
she's moving in with us.

I won fair and square, Mrs. Cleary.

I'm not going to apologize about this.

No, you shouldn't.

I mean, those folks at St. Agnes'

worked hard their whole lives

so they could live out
their golden years with dignity.

But then Wendi split tens.

I know! It's nuts!

Plus she won that boss car,
and I get to ride shotgun.

Oh, did it come with a shotgun?
'Cause I'd like to borrow it.

We're home!

Welcome home, Aunt Tess.
You're a stranger.

Get him off me!

I'm allergic to cats.

Let's, uh, show you your room.

She smells like that wet chair
in the garage.

I like it!

Meow!

Match made in heaven.

Lot of crazy stuff in here.

Look, if these are in her bag,
what's in her mouth?

I vote we don't find out.

Where are we supposed to sleep tonight?

I call sleeping with Aunt Tess!

She's got all these weird tinctures

and unctions and ointments.

This one is literally
called "snake oil."

We can use that to catch Greg!
That's the snake's name now.

Or... we can use this.

We got Ol' Tess set up
in William and Pat's bed.

Seems pretty comfortable
for someone who moans

like a broken radiator when
you move any part of her body.

Oh, maybe I should go check on her.

I think that would be
the caring thing to do, Mother.

I've got an old shower curtain
I need to shimmy under her.

Dad, I am extremely disappointed in Mom.

Well, as much as I enjoy
dinner and a show,

I suggest you keep that to yourself.

I'm sorry, but shunting Aunt Tess

aside like that was heartless.

How would you like it
if we just dumped you

into some nursing home when you get old?

Frank, I'm eating gravy
with a pizza crust.

I'm not planning on getting old.

You have to realize,
when she was growing up,

your mom's mom was mean
and flinty as hell.

It wasn't all moonbeams
and bedtime stories

like it is for you kids.

- What's a bedtime story?
- That's not important.

But as tough as your grandma could be,

Aunt Tess was a real friend to your mom.

She's the one who taught her how to sew

and ride a bike.

When Peggy went to her first formal,

Aunt Tess bought her shoes.

So you have to appreciate how hard it is

for your mom to be around Tess.

Especially how she is now.

Your mom isn't heartless,
she's heartbroken.

Snake charming isn't a real thing.

There's a lot of research to support it

as a way to hypnotize snakes.

Is that research mostly cartoons?

There was also a "Three Stooges."

Enough gabbing.
Greg's eating a light bulb.

It's not working.

Try a different key?

At this point in the movie, I believe

Moe hit Shemp in the head with a shovel.

Let's try the key change first.

Ask Leroy to wake me when the twins

arrive with my yarn, would you?

Thank you.

Hm.

She was always the smartest
of the Dempsey sisters.

She could rattle off world capitals...

Norway: Oslo,

Liechtenstein: I forget.

Places she'd never visit,

except in her books.

It's just not fair.

It's the hand she's dealt.

And we're dealt now, I guess.

Let's steer clear
of the blackjack expressions

for a while, hmm?

Grab her another blanket?

I don't want her to be chilly.

Santiago!

What's that, Aunt Tess?

Chile.

Capital of Chile...

Santiago.

It's still not having any effect.

Yes, it is.

I have an idea.

Huh, it's working.

Greg is a fan of ragtime.
Timmy, grab him.

Uh, i-if he bites me,
suck out the venom.

You got it, buddy.

Thanks.

So much drier than you'd expect.

Come on. You know the rules.

If you can't get it done in two minutes,

go to the gas station.

- Is that you, Frank?
- No.

I think it's Aunt Tess in there.

You know, I like what
you were saying before

about multiple generations
living under one roof.

Yeah. Sometimes I just say things.

Great Aunt Tess,
is everything okay in there?

It's not locked.

Maybe someone should check on her?

Be my guest.

Like any of you are
a treat to walk in on.

Aunt Tess, I'm coming in.

Call an ambulance.

Hello, Mrs. Peggy Cleary.

I hear your aunt is recovering nicely.

Now we just need to find a rest home

or a nice cozy bus station
where we can drop her off.

Or she can return to St. Agnes'.

If you're taunting me,
it's lucky for you

we're already in a hospital.

I fear you too much, Mrs. Peggy Cleary,

to ever test your patience.

The church has come
into a hefty endowment

from my friend Mrs. Greenblatt.

The one with the stale cookies
and the chubby daughter?

I thought I was delighting a nice lady

with my uproarious water buffalo jokes,

but it turns out...

I was "schmoozing."

Well...

Did you hear that, Tess?

You're gonna be going back
to your old bed at St. Agnes'.

But maybe you should take
the shower curtain.

And Pat.