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1
00:00:01,967 --> 00:00:04,102
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
2
00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:07,105
♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪
3
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:10,575
♪ travel down the road
and back again ♪
4
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,544
♪ your heart is true ♪
5
00:00:12,611 --> 00:00:17,382
♪ you're a pal
and a confidante ♪
6
00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:20,852
♪ and if you threw
a party ♪
7
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ invited everyone
you knew ♪
8
00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:26,658
♪ you would see ♪
9
00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:29,361
♪ the biggest gift
would be from me ♪
10
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:31,430
♪ and the card attached
would say ♪
11
00:00:31,497 --> 00:00:34,099
♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪
12
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:35,800
♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪
13
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,637
♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪♪
14
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:48,046
Captioning made possible by
witt/thomas/harris productions,
cbs television network,
15
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:51,450
And 1992 nci caption club/
grantsmanship
16
00:00:59,658 --> 00:01:01,093
Congratulate me,
sophia.
17
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,595
I finally finished
that jigsaw puzzle.
18
00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:07,466
Big deal.
It took you six months.
19
00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:11,436
On the box
it said 2-4 years.
20
00:01:18,377 --> 00:01:19,811
The carlton hotel
called.
21
00:01:19,878 --> 00:01:21,313
They're overbooked
tomorrow.
22
00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:24,282
Th asked if we could
handle a bachelor party.
23
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,783
We can do that.
24
00:01:25,851 --> 00:01:27,285
We just need
some more beer.
25
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:29,287
We can borrow
some dirty videos
from blanche.
26
00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:34,359
O.K., boys,
but be kind.
Please rewind.
27
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,361
They want us
to hire a stripper
28
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,895
To pop out
of the cake.
29
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:39,397
I'll take charge
of that.
30
00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:40,898
You can handle that?
31
00:01:40,966 --> 00:01:42,367
Hey, no problem.
32
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,901
I'll just
need a table,
33
00:01:43,969 --> 00:01:45,403
Some whipped cream,
some frosting,
34
00:01:45,471 --> 00:01:46,904
And some sparklers.
35
00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,406
For the cake?
36
00:01:48,474 --> 00:01:49,774
No, the auditions.
37
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,843
What can be keeping
stan's attorney?
38
00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:53,345
I still can't imagine
39
00:01:53,412 --> 00:01:55,813
Why he wants
to talk to us.
40
00:01:55,881 --> 00:01:57,849
If I know that cheap
ex-son-in-law of mine,
41
00:01:57,916 --> 00:01:59,417
He wants
only one thing--
42
00:01:59,485 --> 00:02:02,387
His toupee back.
43
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:06,424
If the man
wants to take me
on a fishing trip,
44
00:02:06,492 --> 00:02:08,326
I keep what I catch.
45
00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:09,994
Why would he
send a lawyer?
46
00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:11,863
I owe him
a little money.
47
00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:13,465
For what?
48
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,034
Neck job.
49
00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:17,935
You had
your neck done?
50
00:02:18,003 --> 00:02:19,937
I got tired
of people saying,
51
00:02:20,005 --> 00:02:22,106
"my, what an
unusual scarf."
52
00:02:25,711 --> 00:02:27,312
When stan's attorney
gets here,
53
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,813
I'll do the talking.
54
00:02:28,881 --> 00:02:30,815
Why should you
do the talking?
55
00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:32,116
I'm not stupid.
56
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:34,118
I know how
to talk to a lawyer.
57
00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,621
Hi. I'm herb jenkins,
stan's attorney.
58
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,390
Oh, yes, my liege.
59
00:02:40,526 --> 00:02:43,495
I'm representing
mr. Zbornak in absentia.
60
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:47,699
Absentia? What's stan
doing in europe?
61
00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:51,002
Uh, you must be rose.
62
00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:54,772
I've been given
specific written
directions
63
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,741
To find
a blanche devereaux.
64
00:02:56,809 --> 00:02:59,711
Oh,
I haven't heard that
since the shriners
65
00:02:59,778 --> 00:03:01,313
Had
that scavenger hunt.
66
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:06,384
The last time
I saw stan he gave me
instructions--
67
00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:08,886
He better have one
damn good excuse
68
00:03:08,954 --> 00:03:10,955
For not coming here
in person.
69
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,259
Stan is dead.
70
00:03:20,865 --> 00:03:23,734
I just can't believe
stan is dead.
71
00:03:23,802 --> 00:03:25,202
A young man
like that
72
00:03:25,270 --> 00:03:27,237
In the prime
of his life.
73
00:03:27,306 --> 00:03:28,272
Yeah.
74
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:30,775
Have you ever noticed
how as we get older
75
00:03:30,842 --> 00:03:33,944
The prime
keeps moving back?
76
00:03:34,012 --> 00:03:35,846
I know.
77
00:03:35,914 --> 00:03:38,182
My father was just
85 when he died.
78
00:03:38,249 --> 00:03:39,383
A baby.
79
00:03:41,186 --> 00:03:44,121
So, how are we going
to tell sophia?
80
00:03:44,189 --> 00:03:46,056
We'll break it to her
gently tonight,
81
00:03:46,124 --> 00:03:48,158
Just before
we put her to bed.
82
00:03:48,226 --> 00:03:50,127
Guess who
I just ran into?
83
00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:52,229
Not stan, he's dead.
84
00:03:58,169 --> 00:04:01,505
Well...Time
for bed, sophia.
85
00:04:03,041 --> 00:04:04,475
What did she say?
86
00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:07,578
Sophia,
stan is dead.
87
00:04:07,646 --> 00:04:08,579
Oh!
88
00:04:08,647 --> 00:04:10,047
Are you o.K.,
honey?
89
00:04:10,114 --> 00:04:13,150
I don't know
what to say.
90
00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:15,152
Well, what can
you say about a man
91
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,120
Who's always
been a burden
92
00:04:17,188 --> 00:04:18,622
And now
is finally gone--
93
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:21,124
A man who never lived up
to his responsibilities,
94
00:04:21,192 --> 00:04:23,126
Who ran out
on your daughter,
95
00:04:23,194 --> 00:04:25,128
Who never thought
of anybody but himself?
96
00:04:25,196 --> 00:04:27,431
I'd say
I'll miss him.
97
00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,066
Me, too.
98
00:04:30,769 --> 00:04:32,737
I guess as much
as we'll miss him,
99
00:04:32,804 --> 00:04:34,739
You'll miss him
even more, sophia.
100
00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:38,743
He was part of my family
for over 40 years.
101
00:04:38,810 --> 00:04:40,644
So...How did it happen?
102
00:04:40,712 --> 00:04:42,880
Apparently, he died
while making love.
103
00:04:42,947 --> 00:04:46,450
Oh, poor stan.
104
00:04:46,518 --> 00:04:49,186
There's thing worse
than dying alone.
105
00:05:00,532 --> 00:05:03,768
At least we know
he went quickly.
106
00:05:10,208 --> 00:05:12,142
O.K. Thank you
very much.
107
00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:14,912
I'll see you then.
108
00:05:14,979 --> 00:05:16,914
The stripper
is all set,
109
00:05:16,981 --> 00:05:19,417
And I got
a great deal.
110
00:05:19,484 --> 00:05:20,418
How much?
111
00:05:20,485 --> 00:05:21,485
100% off.
112
00:05:26,625 --> 00:05:28,025
Stripper?
No, no, no.
113
00:05:28,092 --> 00:05:30,060
I've had second
thoughts about that.
114
00:05:30,128 --> 00:05:34,097
Yeah. I can't stop
thinking about her,
either.
115
00:05:34,165 --> 00:05:35,265
I'm hardly a prude,
116
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,234
But if a man
loves a woman,
117
00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:39,269
Why would he want
to spend the night
118
00:05:39,337 --> 00:05:40,438
Before
he gets married
119
00:05:40,505 --> 00:05:41,739
Looking
at someone else?
120
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:43,774
Last gas
before the freeway?
121
00:05:46,144 --> 00:05:47,778
Well,
I think it's wrong.
122
00:05:47,846 --> 00:05:50,280
Rose, everybody needs
a little fantasy
now and then
123
00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:52,249
To help them
get through the day.
124
00:05:52,317 --> 00:05:55,719
When I attract a man,
it's because of
my brains.
125
00:05:55,787 --> 00:05:57,721
Now, you see there?
126
00:06:06,264 --> 00:06:08,298
Here you are, sophia.
127
00:06:08,366 --> 00:06:10,300
Honey,
are you all right?
128
00:06:10,368 --> 00:06:11,535
I'm fine.
129
00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:13,537
They're picking us
up for the funeral
130
00:06:13,605 --> 00:06:15,038
In 20 minutes.
131
00:06:15,106 --> 00:06:17,007
Wasn't that something
of stanley,
132
00:06:17,075 --> 00:06:19,042
Ordering
a limousine for us?
133
00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:22,045
Having it put
in the will and all?
134
00:06:22,113 --> 00:06:24,014
He must've
really loved us.
135
00:06:24,082 --> 00:06:25,749
Yeah.
136
00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:28,719
I'd love
to know what else
was in that will.
137
00:06:28,787 --> 00:06:29,887
He must be worth--
138
00:06:29,955 --> 00:06:32,389
A million, million
and a half easy...
139
00:06:32,457 --> 00:06:35,593
And he didn't have
a friend in the world.
140
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:37,628
My god, I'm rich!
141
00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:40,764
You?
142
00:06:40,832 --> 00:06:42,800
What makes you think
he left you anything?
143
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:44,301
I was his favorite.
144
00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:46,269
He was in love
with me for years.
145
00:06:46,337 --> 00:06:47,805
Oh, he was not!
146
00:06:47,873 --> 00:06:49,272
He most certainly was.
147
00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:52,676
All men are,
but bald men especially.
148
00:06:55,847 --> 00:06:58,281
Bald men have always
found me very attractive.
149
00:06:58,349 --> 00:07:02,085
I can't tell you
how many times
I've looked down
150
00:07:02,153 --> 00:07:04,655
And thought
I had three boobs.
151
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:12,195
That's enough.
152
00:07:12,263 --> 00:07:14,364
We're talking about
a man who died here.
153
00:07:14,432 --> 00:07:15,365
Sophia's right.
154
00:07:15,433 --> 00:07:17,868
I don't care
about stan's will.
155
00:07:17,936 --> 00:07:20,871
I just wish
he was still here
156
00:07:20,939 --> 00:07:22,640
To talk to.
157
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,808
Yeah. Me, too.
158
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:25,809
Um, well...
159
00:07:25,877 --> 00:07:27,778
Better be
on our way.
160
00:07:27,846 --> 00:07:29,312
You coming, sophia?
161
00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:31,081
Give me a minute.
162
00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:33,483
We'll be waiting
for you, hon.
163
00:07:35,887 --> 00:07:38,321
O.K., lord,
this is the deal.
164
00:07:38,389 --> 00:07:40,323
Please let stanley
into heaven.
165
00:07:40,391 --> 00:07:43,326
Yeah, I know
it will ruin it
for everyone else,
166
00:07:43,394 --> 00:07:46,329
But the truth is
he deserves it.
167
00:07:46,397 --> 00:07:48,632
He's always
done his best.
168
00:07:51,736 --> 00:07:53,170
Hi. It's me, stan.
169
00:07:53,237 --> 00:07:55,338
Not now, yutz.
I'm praying.
170
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,049
Sophia,
it's really me.
171
00:08:06,117 --> 00:08:08,618
Oh, stan!
172
00:08:08,686 --> 00:08:09,619
Hold it!
173
00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:11,454
You're not haunting me,
are you?
174
00:08:11,522 --> 00:08:13,189
No!
175
00:08:13,257 --> 00:08:14,691
Are you sure?
176
00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,559
You smell like
you're decomposing.
177
00:08:16,627 --> 00:08:18,561
I was hiding
in the trash bin.
178
00:08:18,629 --> 00:08:20,463
No. I really am alive.
179
00:08:20,531 --> 00:08:23,099
Oh, stan!
180
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,601
How do you
like the neck?
181
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:27,037
Look at that.
182
00:08:27,104 --> 00:08:29,572
What a great
summer look for you.
183
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,908
Oh, sophia, I'm so happy
you're taking this well.
184
00:08:31,976 --> 00:08:34,878
I thought you
might be angry
I was alive.
185
00:08:34,945 --> 00:08:37,613
I'm thrilled.
Why should I be angry?
186
00:08:37,682 --> 00:08:39,615
Because
I faked my death.
187
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,751
I'm in trouble
with the I.R.S.
188
00:08:43,554 --> 00:08:45,488
You know what I've
been going through?
189
00:08:45,556 --> 00:08:47,490
I had to do this.
190
00:08:47,558 --> 00:08:49,525
The I.R.S. Caught wind
of some creative
bookkeeping
191
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,760
I was doing.
192
00:08:50,828 --> 00:08:52,762
I would have
gone to prison.
193
00:08:52,830 --> 00:08:55,765
Can you imagine me
confined to some
filthy, cramped room
194
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:58,935
Spending my life
with 100 other men?
195
00:08:59,003 --> 00:09:00,369
So what will
you do now?
196
00:09:00,437 --> 00:09:04,174
I hired on as a steward
on a tramp steamer.
197
00:09:04,241 --> 00:09:06,642
How could you
do this to your kids?
198
00:09:06,711 --> 00:09:08,644
I called
kate and michael
and told them.
199
00:09:08,713 --> 00:09:10,146
They know
what's going on.
200
00:09:10,214 --> 00:09:11,514
I'm not heartless,
sophia.
201
00:09:11,582 --> 00:09:13,583
Have you told dorothy?
202
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:16,052
Sophia, she was my wife
for 38 years.
203
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,988
Do you actually think
that I could keep silent
204
00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,990
While she
mourned my passing?
205
00:09:21,058 --> 00:09:22,325
She would have
turned you in.
206
00:09:22,392 --> 00:09:23,827
In a heartbeat!
207
00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:25,829
Of course
I didn't tell her.
208
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:27,831
In another month,
when things settle down,
209
00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:29,833
I want you to tell her,
210
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,335
But I couldn't
leave the country
without telling you.
211
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:35,038
You mean
a lot to me, sophia.
212
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:36,505
You always have.
213
00:09:36,573 --> 00:09:38,674
This won't work.
They're going
to catch you.
214
00:09:38,743 --> 00:09:40,176
No, they won't.
215
00:09:40,244 --> 00:09:42,278
I've planned everything
down to the last detail.
216
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:43,780
Where can I reach you?
217
00:09:43,848 --> 00:09:46,315
I wish I could tell you,
218
00:09:46,383 --> 00:09:48,484
But the less you know,
the better.
219
00:09:48,552 --> 00:09:51,087
Well, I'm off to madrid.
220
00:09:54,091 --> 00:09:56,492
Or rome
or paris or cairo,
221
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,027
But probably not madrid.
222
00:09:58,095 --> 00:09:59,462
Not--not.
223
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:06,669
Let's go over
this checklist again
for the bachelor party.
224
00:10:06,737 --> 00:10:11,941
O.K. Food--check,
beer--check,
cigars--check,
225
00:10:12,009 --> 00:10:12,942
Entertainment.
226
00:10:13,010 --> 00:10:16,980
I know.
No check, just cash.
227
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,482
Bambi, chris
and his friends
should be here soon.
228
00:10:19,549 --> 00:10:21,584
You can go
in the kitchen
and get ready.
229
00:10:21,652 --> 00:10:22,752
O.K.
230
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:25,155
[roland, chuy]
boom, ba-ba boom,
ba-ba boom.
231
00:10:25,222 --> 00:10:26,656
I love this job.
232
00:10:26,723 --> 00:10:29,025
Oh, yeah.
233
00:10:29,093 --> 00:10:31,027
Can I help
you ladies?
234
00:10:31,095 --> 00:10:33,029
I hope so,
sweet cheeks.
235
00:10:33,097 --> 00:10:35,198
We're here for
my friend chris'
236
00:10:35,266 --> 00:10:36,266
Bachelorette
party.
237
00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:40,369
You're chris.
238
00:10:40,437 --> 00:10:43,372
Bachelor-ette party?
239
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:44,874
I arranged it
with rose.
240
00:10:44,942 --> 00:10:45,909
Is there
a problem?
241
00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:48,411
Yes, but we think
it's neurological.
242
00:10:48,478 --> 00:10:49,412
Um...
243
00:10:49,479 --> 00:10:51,915
Why don't you ladies
get comfortable.
244
00:10:51,982 --> 00:10:54,918
We're going to go get
the parcheesi board
245
00:10:54,985 --> 00:10:57,420
And get the punch
out of the fridge.
246
00:10:57,487 --> 00:10:59,923
This is
her last night
as a free woman,
247
00:10:59,990 --> 00:11:02,926
So why don't you
just pop open
the jim beam,
248
00:11:02,993 --> 00:11:04,427
Crank up
the rolling stones,
249
00:11:04,494 --> 00:11:08,231
And drop your pants,
butter buns.
250
00:11:08,299 --> 00:11:09,765
We paid
for a stripper,
251
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:12,202
And we want
to see someone
shake their booty.
252
00:11:12,269 --> 00:11:14,003
[screaming]
253
00:11:14,071 --> 00:11:16,605
We're just going
to be over there.
254
00:11:16,673 --> 00:11:20,509
Boom ba-da boom,
ba-da boom, ba-da boom...
255
00:11:20,577 --> 00:11:22,511
What are we
going to do, man?
256
00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:24,013
These women are animals!
257
00:11:24,081 --> 00:11:25,514
They're not animals,
chuy.
258
00:11:25,582 --> 00:11:27,483
They're just girls
out having some fun.
259
00:11:27,551 --> 00:11:31,921
Beefcake! Beefcake!
Beefcake! Ohh!
260
00:11:31,989 --> 00:11:33,422
[crashing]
261
00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:34,958
I'm so very scared.
262
00:11:35,025 --> 00:11:36,960
I'm not going out there!
263
00:11:37,027 --> 00:11:38,427
I'm not, either!
264
00:11:38,495 --> 00:11:40,463
Somebody's got to
get in the cake.
265
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:41,530
Odds.
266
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:43,900
Ahh!
- Damn!
267
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,869
2 out of 3, man.
268
00:11:45,936 --> 00:11:47,904
Get in the cake,
butter buns.
269
00:11:47,972 --> 00:11:49,906
I don't feel right
about this.
270
00:11:49,974 --> 00:11:52,141
Boom ba-da boom--
271
00:11:52,209 --> 00:11:53,977
Hey, man!
272
00:11:54,044 --> 00:11:55,345
Kidding.
273
00:11:57,114 --> 00:12:01,584
Wow! Would you
look at this crowd
for stan's funeral.
274
00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:04,287
Give the people
what they want,
they always show up.
275
00:12:04,355 --> 00:12:07,757
It's not nice to speak
ill of the dead.
276
00:12:07,824 --> 00:12:09,292
Believe me,
I'm not.
277
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,794
Hello. So nice
to see you.
278
00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:14,730
Well, rose,
what do you know
about that?
279
00:12:14,798 --> 00:12:18,001
A bald man was
glad to see me.
280
00:12:21,972 --> 00:12:25,408
Well, I want to
thank you all for coming.
281
00:12:25,475 --> 00:12:29,412
Stanley zbornak meant
a great deal to all of us,
282
00:12:29,479 --> 00:12:32,882
But before I bring
a few of his friends
283
00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:34,918
Up here to honor him,
284
00:12:34,985 --> 00:12:36,920
I'd like to show you
285
00:12:36,987 --> 00:12:39,422
A few minutes
of a videotape
286
00:12:39,489 --> 00:12:40,890
That stan himself made
287
00:12:40,958 --> 00:12:43,927
Just weeks before his tragic
and unexpected death.
288
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:45,795
Lights!
289
00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:53,269
Hi. It's me,ghost stan.
290
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:56,406
Boo!
291
00:12:56,473 --> 00:12:57,907
No, I'm kidding.
292
00:12:57,975 --> 00:12:59,409
It's regular stan.
293
00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:01,911
This is justa little something
294
00:13:01,979 --> 00:13:05,815
I put together to showat my own funeral someday.
295
00:13:05,882 --> 00:13:08,818
I want to thank you allfor turning out
296
00:13:08,885 --> 00:13:10,320
To bid me farewell today,
297
00:13:10,387 --> 00:13:13,289
And to honor you, I've writtena special poem called,
298
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,224
What my friends
mean to me.
299
00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:18,227
"my friends sure meana lot to me.
300
00:13:18,295 --> 00:13:21,230
Yes, a lot they mean,indeed."
301
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,502
Live from miami!
302
00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:28,637
It's the...
303
00:13:28,705 --> 00:13:30,373
Where we'llshow you more,
304
00:13:30,441 --> 00:13:32,408
Or should I say less,
305
00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:33,476
Of the latest--
306
00:13:33,543 --> 00:13:35,178
Lights! Lights!
307
00:13:35,245 --> 00:13:36,679
He taped over it.
308
00:13:36,746 --> 00:13:39,715
He taped over
his own funeral message.
309
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:42,986
Well!
310
00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:47,423
I guess I should
screen these before I...
311
00:13:47,491 --> 00:13:51,594
Well, we certainly
got the gist.
312
00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:55,598
Now I'd like to invite
some of stan's closest friends
313
00:13:55,665 --> 00:13:59,102
Up here to say
a few words about him.
314
00:13:59,169 --> 00:14:03,606
Attractive, intelligent,
sexy--
315
00:14:03,673 --> 00:14:06,575
These are just
a few of the words
316
00:14:06,643 --> 00:14:08,677
Stan used
to describe me.
317
00:14:12,649 --> 00:14:16,019
But stan was a very
important part of my life,
318
00:14:16,086 --> 00:14:19,022
As he was
to all our lives.
319
00:14:21,325 --> 00:14:25,261
I first met stan when
he was a novelty salesman,
320
00:14:25,329 --> 00:14:28,764
And well, I guess god needed
a whoopee cushion laugh,
321
00:14:28,832 --> 00:14:34,870
So...He decided...To squeeze
the air out of stan.
322
00:14:37,207 --> 00:14:39,842
Wake up, fluffer, wake up!
323
00:14:41,412 --> 00:14:42,845
But she never did.
324
00:14:42,913 --> 00:14:46,849
Now, I know a half hour
is a long time
325
00:14:46,917 --> 00:14:49,852
To spend talking
about a dead cat,
326
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,787
But she was really so--
327
00:14:51,855 --> 00:14:54,524
Get to it!
328
00:14:54,591 --> 00:14:57,160
So, speaking
of dead cats,
329
00:14:57,227 --> 00:15:00,629
How about this stanley?
330
00:15:00,697 --> 00:15:02,131
What a loss.
331
00:15:02,199 --> 00:15:05,134
He was a special man,
this stanley,
332
00:15:05,202 --> 00:15:10,373
This marvelous thing
called stanley.
333
00:15:10,441 --> 00:15:11,774
Boo!
334
00:15:14,178 --> 00:15:15,010
Hoo.
335
00:15:15,079 --> 00:15:17,547
Boo-hoo.
336
00:15:17,614 --> 00:15:21,551
And now I have the honor
of reading to you
337
00:15:21,618 --> 00:15:22,552
His epitaph--
338
00:15:22,619 --> 00:15:25,521
The epitaph
of a great american.
339
00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:28,558
"here lies stan zbornak--
340
00:15:28,625 --> 00:15:33,129
"beloved son,
model citizen,
341
00:15:33,197 --> 00:15:34,130
"caring father,
342
00:15:34,198 --> 00:15:35,531
Faithful husband--"
343
00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:37,066
All right. That's it.
344
00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:39,268
I can't listen
to any more of this.
345
00:15:39,336 --> 00:15:42,271
Mrs. Petrillo,
I know you're in pain,
346
00:15:42,339 --> 00:15:44,273
But of course, it is...
347
00:15:44,341 --> 00:15:47,009
"through pain
that healing comes."
348
00:15:47,077 --> 00:15:49,011
He's right, sophia.
You're suffering
right now, but--
349
00:15:49,079 --> 00:15:50,513
I'm not suffering.
350
00:15:50,581 --> 00:15:52,982
I'm telling you,
stan's not dead.
351
00:15:53,049 --> 00:15:55,684
Of course
he's not dead
in our hearts.
352
00:15:55,752 --> 00:15:58,221
Yes!
So, as it is written...
353
00:15:58,288 --> 00:16:00,723
"he shall live on
as love
354
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:02,958
In all of our hearts."
355
00:16:03,026 --> 00:16:04,994
He wasn't alive
in my heart.
356
00:16:05,061 --> 00:16:06,596
He was alive
in my kitchen!
357
00:16:06,663 --> 00:16:10,099
"as he shall speak to me
in the dell...
358
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:13,569
And in the village
for the poor and rich alike."
359
00:16:13,637 --> 00:16:15,505
Look, the man
smelled from garbage.
360
00:16:15,572 --> 00:16:17,240
He said he was
going to madrid.
361
00:16:17,307 --> 00:16:19,308
Uh...
362
00:16:21,145 --> 00:16:25,448
Uh...Yea, though the elderly
may become feeble,
363
00:16:25,516 --> 00:16:28,417
And their minds might
turn to custard--
364
00:16:28,485 --> 00:16:29,785
Let go of me!
365
00:16:29,853 --> 00:16:31,120
He's not dead!
366
00:16:31,188 --> 00:16:32,121
Sophia!
367
00:16:32,189 --> 00:16:33,322
Open the box!
368
00:16:33,390 --> 00:16:34,323
Music!
369
00:16:34,391 --> 00:16:35,991
Music!
370
00:16:37,494 --> 00:16:39,428
Here comes
his big finish.
371
00:16:39,496 --> 00:16:40,996
[roland]
ow! Paper cut!
372
00:16:48,305 --> 00:16:50,239
You really got
to hand it to roland.
373
00:16:50,307 --> 00:16:52,441
He's handled this
with a lot of dignity.
374
00:16:52,509 --> 00:16:53,442
[squealing]
375
00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:55,944
Enough! All right!
The show's over!
376
00:16:56,012 --> 00:16:58,214
Topaz has
left the building!
377
00:16:58,282 --> 00:16:59,582
Topaz?
378
00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:01,250
They gave me
a stage name.
379
00:17:01,318 --> 00:17:03,152
I feel so cheap!
380
00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:04,520
Come on, man.
381
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,021
I thought
you did great.
382
00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:08,023
Those women really
got their money's worth.
383
00:17:08,091 --> 00:17:09,192
You saved the day.
384
00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:11,294
No. I feel horrible,
just awful.
385
00:17:11,361 --> 00:17:13,796
They acted
like they'd never
seen a man before.
386
00:17:13,863 --> 00:17:16,131
They were treating me
like I was a...
387
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,333
Piece of meat?
388
00:17:17,401 --> 00:17:18,334
Yeah.
389
00:17:18,402 --> 00:17:20,336
Hmm. That's how I felt
390
00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,837
The first time
I stripped,
391
00:17:21,905 --> 00:17:23,439
But you
get over it.
392
00:17:23,507 --> 00:17:24,440
How?
393
00:17:24,508 --> 00:17:26,475
I just try
to keep my mind
394
00:17:26,543 --> 00:17:27,943
On other things,
395
00:17:28,011 --> 00:17:29,978
Like the crisis
in the middle east
396
00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:31,980
Or the economy
or nuclear
proliferation.
397
00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:35,951
Of course,
I don't smile a lot
when I strip.
398
00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:37,953
I was
the most humiliated
399
00:17:38,021 --> 00:17:40,789
When they started
stuffing money
down my pants.
400
00:17:40,857 --> 00:17:42,758
You know
what's even worse?
401
00:17:42,826 --> 00:17:43,759
Making change.
402
00:17:43,827 --> 00:17:44,793
Yeah.
403
00:17:44,861 --> 00:17:46,362
I hate that.
404
00:17:49,466 --> 00:17:51,400
Look on
the bright side,
roland.
405
00:17:51,468 --> 00:17:52,901
This is
the last time
406
00:17:52,969 --> 00:17:54,903
You'll ever
be humiliated
like this.
407
00:17:54,971 --> 00:17:57,640
Yeah. Lucky me.
408
00:17:59,243 --> 00:18:02,545
Well, my taxi's
probably here by now.
409
00:18:02,613 --> 00:18:03,546
Yeah.
410
00:18:03,614 --> 00:18:04,547
Hey, bambi.
411
00:18:04,615 --> 00:18:06,549
Why don't you
let us walk you out?
412
00:18:06,617 --> 00:18:09,151
Wow. That's really
sweet. Thanks.
413
00:18:09,219 --> 00:18:11,820
Have you ever
done a show, and
nobody's tipped you?
414
00:18:11,888 --> 00:18:12,955
Oh, yeah.
415
00:18:13,022 --> 00:18:14,457
Sometimes
a whole audience
416
00:18:14,524 --> 00:18:17,526
Will pull
a real stan on you.
417
00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:28,170
Boy, that was some scene
sophia made
at the cemetery.
418
00:18:28,238 --> 00:18:32,174
To throw herself
on top of the coffin
like that,
419
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:33,909
Screaming and yelling?
420
00:18:33,977 --> 00:18:36,579
And then
to fall asleep there.
421
00:18:36,647 --> 00:18:40,849
Weird how that guy
came up and measured her.
422
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,660
I wonder why stanley
left directions
423
00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:52,161
That his will be read
424
00:18:52,228 --> 00:18:54,163
The same day
as the funeral.
425
00:18:54,230 --> 00:18:56,365
I don't know.
426
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,768
He didn't leave us
what we thought he would.
427
00:18:58,835 --> 00:19:00,869
He didn't
leave us anything.
428
00:19:00,937 --> 00:19:03,806
How come he left
all his money
429
00:19:03,873 --> 00:19:06,375
To some yahoo in madrid?
430
00:19:06,443 --> 00:19:08,210
Who does he know
in madrid?
431
00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:10,045
Would you two
stop it?
432
00:19:10,113 --> 00:19:12,047
He's just pretending
to be dead.
433
00:19:12,115 --> 00:19:14,049
I'm the one
who should be upset.
434
00:19:14,117 --> 00:19:16,552
All he left me
was this lousy
friendship ring.
435
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:20,323
And to think
I let the man
see me naked.
436
00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,194
He had hiccups!
437
00:19:33,236 --> 00:19:34,169
Poor thing.
438
00:19:34,237 --> 00:19:36,672
We better
go talk to her.
439
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,173
Give her a minute.
440
00:19:38,241 --> 00:19:40,142
Stan was
like a son to her.
441
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:42,244
She needs
time to let go.
442
00:19:49,319 --> 00:19:50,419
Sophia.
443
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:51,420
Oh, great,
444
00:19:51,488 --> 00:19:55,090
The night
of the living dead.
445
00:19:55,158 --> 00:19:57,593
Will you
get out of here?
446
00:19:57,661 --> 00:20:00,095
My ship leaves
in 45 minutes.
447
00:20:00,163 --> 00:20:01,364
I just came
to say goodbye.
448
00:20:01,431 --> 00:20:02,631
No.
449
00:20:02,699 --> 00:20:05,133
I can't believe
you're
doing this, stan.
450
00:20:05,201 --> 00:20:07,636
You know the pain
you put
everyone through?
451
00:20:07,704 --> 00:20:09,872
I'm not going
to go to jail, sophia.
452
00:20:09,939 --> 00:20:11,874
Maybe they won't
put you in prison.
453
00:20:11,941 --> 00:20:13,442
Maybe you can
work something out.
454
00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:15,611
Why should I
take that chance?
455
00:20:15,679 --> 00:20:18,547
Because I love you.
456
00:20:18,615 --> 00:20:20,383
You love me?
457
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:24,487
Yes.
You're a pathetic man,
but I love you.
458
00:20:24,554 --> 00:20:26,355
Aw, ma!
459
00:20:26,423 --> 00:20:27,857
The neck! The neck!
460
00:20:27,924 --> 00:20:28,891
I'm sorry.
461
00:20:31,227 --> 00:20:32,661
Don't go, stan.
462
00:20:32,729 --> 00:20:34,663
If you walk out
that door now,
463
00:20:34,731 --> 00:20:38,100
You really
will be dead.
464
00:20:38,167 --> 00:20:39,769
I'm sorry, sophia.
465
00:20:43,339 --> 00:20:45,340
I love you, too, ma.
466
00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:02,458
It's going to be
all right, sweetheart.
467
00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:03,426
It's o.K.
468
00:21:03,493 --> 00:21:04,527
It's o.K.
469
00:21:04,594 --> 00:21:06,529
You finally
understand,
don't you, honey?
470
00:21:06,596 --> 00:21:08,731
Stan is gone.
471
00:21:08,799 --> 00:21:09,932
Yeah.
472
00:21:11,134 --> 00:21:13,101
Stan is gone.
473
00:21:16,573 --> 00:21:19,575
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
474
00:21:22,044 --> 00:21:24,945
Ionsns copyright 1993
touchstone pictures
and television
475
00:21:25,014 --> 00:21:27,748
Public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of
national captioning institute
476
00:21:27,816 --> 00:21:29,083
[tv]
to honor you,
477
00:21:29,151 --> 00:21:30,985
I've writtena special poem called--
478
00:21:32,988 --> 00:21:35,523
What a yutz!
479
00:21:35,590 --> 00:21:37,025
Live from miami!
480
00:21:37,092 --> 00:21:40,461
It's the international
bikini fest,
481
00:21:40,529 --> 00:21:42,463
Where we'llshow you more,
482
00:21:42,531 --> 00:21:44,465
Or should I say less,
483
00:21:44,533 --> 00:21:46,467
Of the latestfashion in...
484
00:21:46,535 --> 00:21:48,036
Heh heh heh.
33143
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