All language subtitles for Bless.This.Mess.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

I'm so excited
to sell some eggs.

Last night, I found 56
in their little coop!

Rio: I know.
I checked this morning,

and there were, like,
five dozen.

Sitting on a gold mine!
All right, you ready?

Uh, yeah.
One...two...three!

[ Rumbling ]

And one, two, three.

[ Rumbling ]

Whoo!
[ Chuckles ]

We're so in sync, baby.

Like a Swiss timepiece.
Yeah.

Oh, what's this oatmeal soap?
This is cute.

I have not
bought oatmeal soap,

so I would drop
whatever you're holding.
Oh.

[ Crash ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]

Cold! Cold, cold, cold, cold,
cold, cold!
What was that explosion?

I don't know.
What was that?

Is it the hot water heater?
[ Screams ]

Get out now!
Save yourself!

I can't! I haven't shaved
my pits in, like, two weeks!

I don't care about that.

No,
I'm doing it for me.

But thank you for being
so body positive.

Mom, the water heater's broken,
so we're taking old-timey baths.

It's really cool.

Rio,
you need a warm shower.

Cousin Emily
took cold showers.

Now she's got
adult acne.

We've got
12 pots of water.

That's all it takes just
to fill it up ankle level.

It's kind of romantic just,
like,

soaking in each other's broth,
you know?

Oh, hey.
[ Hushed ] It's my mom.

[ Hushed ] Oh, wow,
how exciting.

[ Normal voice ] Mom, I-I have
to go because Mike's waiting.

Mike's waiting.

King Mike who dragged you
to live in Nebraska

in his castle
made of garbage?!

I will send him
your best.

All right, bye.
[ Water boiling ]

Did she, uh, say
some nasty stuff about me?

No.
She does not like me.

Stop it.
She loves you.

[ Boiling continues ]

Okay,
who's going first?

[ Groans ]
Ha ha.

[ Sighs ] This is actually
really beautiful out here.

It's just -- I feel like
it's quaint, you know?

Like,
this is how you should --

[ Screams ]

Oh, my God, we need to fix
the water heater!

Right now!

-- Captions by VITAC --

Look, we can get
a new water heater

if we tap
into the savings.

Mm.
But we don't have any.

Sure.
So here's my pitch.

Uh-huh.
The hens are --
are laying eggs,

and we can take them
to the farmers' market --

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

I could dust off
the old therapy jersey

and look for
some therapy patients here.

You know, it's like, obviously,
I left that in New York, but --

That's a great idea.

I'm a little nervous
how many takers you'd have.

We could obviously always
ask my mom for some help.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't need to do that.

But what do I --
what do I know?

I bet therapy
would work well here.

You really don't
want my mom to help.

I guess I just thought,
when we moved 1,500 miles away,

that she would be, you know,

a little less involved
in our lives.

And that I would be,
you know, free.

Free?
Well, no, not --
not that word.

Love,
when you married me...

Yeah.
...you married my mom.

I mean,
that became very clear

when she did vows
at our ceremony.

She didn't do vows
at our ceremony.

She -- She had a...

poem that she wanted to read
that was ill-timed.

[ Cellphone rings, vibrates ]

Oh, boy.
Here she is.

Listen, I-I-I think
it's time for us

to stand on
our own two feet, okay...

Okay.
...and do this on our own.

We -- We got to
tell Donna no.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead
and let you do that.

All right.

Hi, Donna.

Uh, I'm answering
Rio's phone.

Mike, I need to
confirm the address

for the water-heater delivery.

The guy said he can't find
"Dirt Road" on his apps.

Oh, you know,
that's so generous of you

to offer a water heater,
but, um...

Take the water heater.
...no.

Excuse me?

We're gonna handle it
ourselves.

Oh. Okay.

Well, absolutely.

No problem, Mike.

Goodbye.

[ Horns honking ]

Well...
Donna's. Been. Handled.

Good. Luck. With. That.

**

Oy.

Well, you see, I want my booth
to be simple but catchy,

so I'm gonna go
with "The Egg Man."

What do you think?

"The Egg Man."
I like it.

Yeah.
Haunting visual.
Sticks with you.

Mm, good.

[ Sighs ]
You guys done yet?

You know, I-I got to
get to my scrapbooking.

[ Cash register beeping ]

You may have just observed me
hiding from Constance.

Things have been a little
awkward with us lately.

Oh, just lately
they got awkward?

Yeah, she asked me out.
I said no.

I've been trying to get her
to ask me out again,

but she won't
take the bait.

Well, look, buddy.
You just got to keep trying.

She'll be back
on that Rudy hook in no time.

That's a little graphic, Mike.
I don't care for it.

No, no, I was just building
on your "bait" metaphor --

the -- the --
That'll do, Mike.

Okay, listen.

You got to get your head
in the game.

Okay.
It's show time.

Yeah.
Let's go.

Constance.

Rudy.

Mike and I are going to
the farmers' market in Lincoln.

Can I purchase you
anything?

Well, if you see something
that I might like.

Oh.
Will do.

There we go.
[ Bell dings ]

Oh, hey, husband.

[ Bell dings ]
You got your flyers?
Yeah.

Oh, wow, they're great.
Thanks.

Yeah, good luck.
Thanks, honey. You, too.

Mm.
Okay.

No, Rudy,
we're not there.

Okay.
We are not there.

Hey, do these work?

I sort of
need them to work, so...

"Do you know what's wrong
with you? I do!"

Yeah, it's more, "Do you know
what's wrong with you?

Don't worry about it" --
That's the subtext -- "I do."

Is that for therapy?

Yeah. I mean,
if you don't like that one,

this one is,
"Do you cry at night?

Try doing it during the day."
No.

"Got a screw loose?
Let me tighten it."

Rio,
are you looking for people

who like talking
about themselves?

Desperately, yes.

Ever scrapbooked?

What?

...like scalloped. Love these!
Who's got the snowflake tape?

Got to check out these
decorative scissors, Deb.

Look at that.
-Oh, I love that little braid.

You know,
what is truly shocking

is that you brought Rio,
Constance.

Mostly because
I didn't invite her.

Oh, I'm -- like, I can hear you,
Kay, when you say that.

I know.
[ Clears throat ]

I'm here because
I wanted to ask --

The theme is "vacation."

Did you bring
some vacation pictures?

Oh, uh, vacation, huh?

Well,
I brought two photos --

You brought two photos
to scrapbooking?

Well, that's not a book.
That's just scraps!

[ Laughter ]
-"That's just scraps."

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Look, I-I'm not sure
if you ladies, uh, know this,

but I-I'm actually
a licensed therapist --

[ Softly ]
Does anybody have the glitter?

What?
No one can hear
anything you say, Clara.

I would love to
offer my services,

see if anyone
was interested in

paying to have someone listen
to them or provide insight --

People pay
to talk to you?

Uh, yes.
So I could've been charging
this whole time?

[ Laughs ]
You owe me $40.

You owe me $50.

You owe me
thousands of dollars.

[ Birds chirping ]

Uh, Miss Rio?
Yes?

Do you want me to
dry your page for you?

Oh, uh, sure, yes.

Yeah? Okay.
I think. Is that a...

Yeah,
I'm the dryer to-- today.

Oh, my God.
[ Thud ]

[ Thud ]
Oh --

Jacob.
Huh?

Why are you shaking?

Did you have
too many cookies?

Okay, Mom,
don't you have to --

Is he diabetic?
No.

Nope.

Linda, oh, my God,
look at how much glitter

you're putting
around your photo.

I could never put that much
sparkle on myself.

Sometimes even just
the glue stick is a bit sassy.

[ Chuckles nervously ]
Why do you think that is?

Just dull cardboard borders,
just fine for old Deb.

You know, we call that
negative self talk

when we talk
o-ourselves down.

I sort of feel like
you are a sparkly unicorn.

You know what I mean?

[ Scoffs ]
A unicorn?

Is that the kind of thing
you talk about in therapy?

I thought it was like,

"I had a dream about a talking
dog. What does it mean?"

Hmm, depends
what the dog's saying.

Rio, dear...
Yes?

...please don't
peddle your wares here.

U-Uh, nothing personal.
We had to shut Clara down

when she was pushing
those insane necklaces

made out of bunny bones.

Oh, and then there were
sea horses.

What?

Sea horses.
Oh, God.

I mean, no one is gonna pay you
to tell us what our dreams mean.

Every dream I have,
I'm the Queen of England,

and -- and I'm married
to a pile of money.

Case closed.

Do you guys want to see
my head on a cat?

Deb, are you still
working on that page

about our trip
to Okoboji?

Yes, yep, yep.
Girl!

That's the summer of '97.

I remember when we...

Aww, it's Morris.

I haven't seen this picture
in a very long time.

You know, I-I saw some --
some coconut stickers somewhere,

and I, uh --
I'm gonna go get them.

I'll be right back.

**

**

Oh, boy!
[ Gasps ]

Sorry. Uh...

Kay locks me in here
until scrapbooking's done.

I can't go back
until the timer goes off.

[ Sighs, sniffs ]

Uh, meat kebab?

[ Chuckles, sniffles ]

I've got five.

There's only one of me.

Or two of us.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

**

I'm looking for a gift
for a lady sheriff

who's also the proprietor
of a store.

**

I got some gouda.

Okay, I don't know what that is,
but I know it's not cheese.

[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.

Oy. Okay, okay.

Hello!

Mike,
so nice to see your face.

Where -- Where are you?
[ Grunts ]

A-At the gym, or...
Are you on a boat?

Circuit training.

Listen, my sister's daughter's
orthodontist

has a son at
the University of Nebraska.

Name is Seth.

Studying to be
a computer engineer.

Did you know the starting salary
for a computer engineer

is a million bucks?

I don't think
that could be right, Donna.
What do you know?

So I could have him
down there in a flash,

help you sell the eggs.

Well,
that is a white-hot offer,

but you can tell that geek
to go ahead and stay home.
[ Grunts ]

I've got everything here
under control.

Danika:
Hey! Excuse me, sir?

What's happening?
Egg Man!

Yeah?
What are you doing here?

What's happening, Mike?
Me?

Or maybe not.
Anyways, I got to go.

Beautiful bicep work.

[ Sighs ]
Am I doing this right?

Hi. You can't just set up
wherever you want.

Look, I-I-I'm sorry.

I thought it was kind of like
first-come, first-serve.

So,
w-where do you have us?

Farm-fresh eggs.

Get your farm-fresh eggs.
[ Toilet flushes ]

Ohh!

Oh, my gosh! Ohh!

**

[ Clears throat ]
[ Knock on table ]

Hey.

I think they sent someone
to get more toilet paper.

I don't know when
they're gonna be back.

Um, I'm looking
for The Egg Man.

Oh! Ha, yes!

I'm The Egg Man!

Hi.
Oh, this is so exciting.

How many, uh,
cartons can I get you?

Uh...
Two?

...I'll take all your eggs.

You want all the eggs.
Well, you can have 'em.

Yeah. There's, uh,
$400 in this envelope.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my -- four -- wait.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Nebraska --
Donna must have sent you.

You're Seth, aren't you?
No.

Oh, really? What do you think
of the, uh, dark web?

It's the one true Internet.

Yeah, I knew it.

That's such a textbook
computer-geek answer.

Listen, Don--
Donna's not gonna buy me off.

You take your money.
I don't want your filthy money.

No, take the money.
No, no, you take --

Hey, hey, hey.
Give me these eggs!

Put those eggs down!
I want your eggs!

Danika: Hey!
Seth, put the eggs down!

She said she'd help
with my student loans!

Hey!
Please don't break my eggs.

Are you --
Are you shoving kids?

Don't let those braces
fool you.

He was sent
by a woman in New York,

and he's trying to
buy all my eggs!

Okay, pack up.
You're done.

Our security guy's
getting fresh juice,

but he'll be back in 15,
and he's gonna kick your ass.

Doesn't sound
very farmers' market-y.

Do you remember, uh, the time
Morris bought that waffle maker?

Yeah, he was waffling everything
that shouldn't be waffled.

How about the time --
remember he had drank

six Long Island Iced Teas

before he realized
there was booze in them?

[ Laughs ]
Yes, I found him fully clothed
in our shower the next day.

[ Both laugh ]

You have any 3s?

Ah! Yes.

It's good
to talk about Morris.

He was a good friend.

I miss him.

Well, you're lucky
to have Kay,

someone who
really knows you.

You know?

**

You ever feel like the person
you've known your whole life

is really just a stranger?

**

I'm just kidding.
[ Chuckles ]

Do you have any 9s?

You wish.
Go fish!

[ Groans ]
[ Laughs ]

Okay.
Yeah, buster.

So, "I...deserve..."
I...deserve...this sticker!

Rio: Exactly.

I deserve love,
and I deserve happiness.

And I -- And I just put
a sticker on my face!

[ Giggles ]
That's very sparkly.

And it feels good,
right?

-Give me one of those flyers.
-It feels really good. Oh, Rio.

-Yeah, I'll take a flyer, too.
-Yeah?

Kay, you've got to
let her do your pages.

Rio, um, can I just talk to you
for a second?

Of course, like...
Thank you.

...I totally get it.

You keep
all that glitter up.

[ Deb giggling ]

Mrs. Olsen
is a good friend of mine.

Oh, okay.
And she has really desperately
needed someone to talk to

ever since her brother
moved to Venice

to row those Italian boats.

Oh, gondolas.

I told her
you'd be over A.S.A.P.

Oh, now.
So just ride your bike
down Old Trail...

Old Trail.
...and then you're gonna
turn on Elkhorn Lake Road...

Elkhorn Lake Road.
...and then you'll see it.

When I come back...
Yeah?

...do you mind
seating me by Clara?
Sure.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Beep ]
Hi, Mike.

Did you sell any eggs yet?

Well, zero,
but it's not my fault.

Your mother infiltrated
the farmers' market.

Oh, it's my mom's fault?
Cool.

Well, I'm heading to see
a potential new client,

but I think
I'm a little lost.

I'm on Elkhorn Lake Road.

I'm about to turn off
right now, all right?

No, no, no, don't -- don't
turn off of Elkhorn Lake Road.

Why?
I already did it.

Elkhorn Lake Road
is named after Elkhorn Lake,

which is right
on the edge of --

[ Screaming ]
H-Honey?

Rio, w-what's happening?
Are you okay?

Back pedal, back pedal!
There's a lake!

Rio! Oh, my God!

Honey! Honey!
[ Gasping ]

Rio. Rio?
Rio? Rio?

[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh, hello?

You know Rio's in a lake,
right?

Yes, I know -- That just
happened. How do you know that?

I track her phone,
dumb nuts.

Now, I'm dialing her right now,
and I'm merging calls.

No, Donna, I don't need you
involved in this right now.

Do not merge us.
I'm merging.

Don't merge. Don't --
I merged. I merged.

Mom? Mike?
Honey, are you okay?

Do not swallow
lake water.

There are parasites!
What?

Donna, do you see
how you're complicating this?

[ Static ]
Let me check on my -- Honey --
Honey, are you okay?

I don't understand the words
you're saying. Hello?

Tell your husband
to respect me!

Donna, I need you to buzz off
and leave us alone, okay?!

Stop it!
Both of you!

You are driving me crazy
right now.

You are the two people that
I love the most in the world,

so just shut up
and figure it out.

**

Ohh, God.

Disgusting.

[ Distorted ]
Hello, Rio, are you --

What? Oh, wow, you, uh, really
didn't hit the brakes, did you?

Nope, I did not.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on.

My sorority pulled
much worse pranks.

Really?
Yeah, one time they sold me
on eBay for a dollar.

[ Chuckling ]
It was funny.

Was it?

Anyway, I'm so sorry that
no one will pay to talk to you.

It's okay.
[ Chuckles ]

I just -- I realized that
I really miss helping people.

It's, like --
It's, like, the one thing

I'm really --
I'm really good at, you know?

That and debate.

But I feel like
my mom probably paid off

most of the kids to lose.

But a person who sends another
person into a pond of manure,

of just ass poo,
is hiding a lot of pain.

**

I'm gonna go home.

There's something
in my shoe...

and, uh, it's alive.

Oh.

Mike: Listen. Sorry about
before, but Rio's mad.

We got to do better.
I'll go first.

You know, I get upset
when you offer us stuff

because I feel like
you don't believe in me.

That's not
what I'm saying.
Come on.

I know you don't like me.
You can say it.

You know what?

You're right. I don't really
like you that much.

Yes! See?! Oh!

The truth --
it feels so good, right?

I don't like your whole vibe,
you know?

"Everything's gonna be great
if only we love each other!"

That whole thing
annoys me.
Mmm.

You're too tall.
What can I do about that?

Why does a person
need to be that tall?

And you're
way overconfident

with your restaurant
recommendations.

Okay. Fantastic.

Now I know how you feel,
and -- and you know how I feel,

so in the future, if we need
help, we'll reach out.

How's that sound?
Ugh, they put so much mayonnaise
in this egg salad.

This is disgusting.

I asked you
to leave an hour ago.
Mike?

Clarence is ready
to forcibly remove you.

And we're dating...
Where did you go?

...so he will protect me
with his life.

Wait a minute. Who's that?
Somebody's kicking you out?

Let me talk to them.

No, Donna, we --
we just went over this.

If -- If I need your help --

You know, actually,
you're on with Danika.

Enjoy.

Hello.

I'm the person who's gonna
shut you down

for violating every
major health code, Danika.

You don't want a piece
of this, baby.

I get full refunds for things
I didn't even buy --

including automobiles!

I get pilots
kicked off of planes.

I'm the reason
you can only

leave three reviews a day
on Yelp.

Believe me, young lady,
I am not to be trifled with.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Water running ]

Knock, knock!
[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Water stops ]
Oh, sorry. You know what?

I thought you might
want this, so, um,

I don't know
what a bat mitzvah is,

but the photo
was amusing.

Can I come in?

Um, yeah.

Here.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah.

[ Book thuds ]

Rio, I'm so sorry that I sent
you into that poo-poo pond.

Oh, so there was manure
in it, right?

Oh, yeah, a lot.
Ah, okay.

But as long as
you closed your mouth

when you went in,
you should be fine.

Right.

You know what, Kay?
Don't even sweat it.

I feel like everyone,
at some point in their life,

gets sent into a poo-poo pond
of some sort.

Do you ever feel like
you're just covered in poo?

Like, not literal poo,
but kind of...emotional poo?

Only all the time.

Whew.

Kay, uh,
would you, um...

want to do a therapy session,
just you and me?

Okay, no way.
Okay.

What are you talking about?
I-I just --

That's only for, you know,
people on Twitter or sad people.

But I could maybe
just do a, um...

maybe like a one-on-one
"scrapbooking session"?

Oh.

Yes.

Okay, I brought my kit.

Great.

Before we do
the scrapbooking page

about the family reunion
where I cooked for 25 people

and not one person
said "thank you,"

I just want to make sure
that everything that happens

in scrapbooking
stays between us.

Oh, yeah, this is
a private scrapbooking session.

Protected by HIPAA.

Okay, good.
So, the first things first,

I am gonna
fix your water heater.

Oh.
You need to take a shower.

You smell like
hot mayonnaise.

You know how to do that?
Where is it?

It's over here.
Okay, great.

Oh, God! Rio!
-I'm sorry, it's...

[ Bell dings ]

Constance.

I brought you something back
from the farmers' market.

Oh.

Thank you.

The sales lady said that
women have reclaimed that word,

that now it embodies
female empowerment.

She also said that
it's pronounced,

"that bitch"
or "that bitch!"

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, uh, thank you.

[ Birds chirping ]

I hoped you'd like it,

but I realized
I don't know what you like.

I don't know much
about you at all.

Yeah,
I suppose you don't.

But not
getting to know you,

that would be one of
my greatest regrets.

**

You know,
I-I was thinking about

going to the county fair
in a couple weeks.

And maybe you could
come with me?

Oh, I would like that very much,
Constance.

Good.

Because I am...
that bitch.

[ Both chuckle ]
Huh?

Okay.

Ooh, baby.
[ Laughs ]

* All I ask, baby

* I love you so, oh, yeah

* And I'd never, pretty baby

* I'd never let you go

[ Seductively ]
Hello.

* Oh, yeah, baby

I hope I'm not
misreading your cues,

but do you want to
do some sex stuff

against the broken
hot water heater?

[ Chuckles ]

It's fixed.

No!
[ Laughs ] Yes.

No, who fixed it?!

I worked something out
with my new therapy patient!

[ Gasps ]
You got a patient?!
Yes!

Oh, I have so many guesses
who it could be.

Tell me.
I can't.

Oh, so much integrity.
You know.

Such a good therapist.
[ Chuckles ]

Honey, I want to talk to you
about something.

What?

I am genuinely sorry
about my mom.

I feel like --
No, no, no, no, no.
I am sorry.

No.
I-I'm sorry
about your mom.

And we had
a breakthrough today.

You did?
She told me
she doesn't like me!

[ Chuckles ]
She sugarcoated it!

Yeah!

And she promised to call
a little bit less.

All right, well...
Yes.

[ Sighs ]
Donna: What the hell
are you guys doing?

Oh, my gosh.
Oh.

My mom is in your pants.
I forgot.

I was afraid to hang up 'cause,
you know, she gets so angry.

Okay. No, that adds up.
M-Mom --

Rio, are you there?
H-Hi.

Your husband is very needy,

but we'll talk about that
on Sunday.

Okay. I -- I love you.

At least you guys
still have chemistry.

G-Good hearing from you.

Put you there.

My number-one smokeshow.

Yeah, that feels right.

Jacob, what are you doing?

Mom, it's nothing! God!

Just leave me alone!

Ugh!

[ Door slams ]