All language subtitles for Seth.Rogens.Hilarity.for.Charity.2018.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO[EtMovies]-eng

[audience chuckling, chattering]

[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

The show begins now.

-[audience cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

-Hey!
-Hey!

-Seth Rogen!
-Nick Kroll.

How's it going, man?

-Good to see you.
-Good to see you too.

-What's going on?
-How you been?

I've been very good. I feel blessed.

-Oh.
-Very blessed.

Oh, me too, man. So blessed.

-We're both so blessed.
-So truly blessed.

Pretty cool.

So, uh, so what's going on, dude?

Not too much. Just hanging out.

Can you do me a quick favor?
You can totally say no,

but my cousin is like
your biggest fan in the world,

and I was wondering,
could you make a video for him

where you say his name,
then say "420 for life,"

and then do your stupid fucking laugh?

-No--
-[audience laughs]

Honestly, like... I don't really like
portraying myself

-as a stoner that much anymore.
-You're smoking a joint right now.

-[audience chuckling]
-In my personal life.

In my public life, uh, you know,
on this kind of shit,

I don't wanna portray myself as a stoner.

Yeah. Have you told your eyes
and your whole body of work that?

-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
-[audience laughs]

That's sort of the laugh,
but more like... [gruff chuckle, squeal]

You know? Like a motorcycle drowning.

Come on, man. Look...
I don't want to do it, okay?

Just fucking do it.

-I don't want to.
-You don't have to,

but just fucking do it, man.

-I don't want to do it. No!
-Just do it!

Come on, I do you favors all the time.

-What are you talking about? Like what?
-Fucking Sausage Party!

Oh, come on, man.

That was a good role.
You were the villain in the movie.

You made me the douche.

When I walk through the airport now,
people scream "douche" at me.

That's not 'cause of the movie.

Oh, you know what?
You're a fucking dick, bro.

Actually, I'm kind of known
for being a super nice guy.

It's kind of my thing.

You're kind of actually known
for destroying an entire movie studio

by picking a fight with North Korea.

[audience laughs]

Fuck you, man.
You think I don't know that?

I know that.

Shit! Goddamn it!

I came here to have a good time,
and now you've stressed me out,

so I'm gonna go do this thing
I read about,

where you smoke a vape pen
through your pee hole.

-Peace!
-Hey, can I come?

No! Stop mooching dick-vape off me.

-[Nick] Fuck you.
-[audience laughing]

[door shuts]

Okay, just pull out my penis.

[audience laughing]

Thank God no one knows I'm uncircumcised.
That would destroy my career.

-Okay.
-[laughter]

Time to vape it up.

-Oh!
-[laughter]

Feels good.

Now...

-[sighing]
-[audience laughs]

Man, that shit works. Whoo!

Hey, uh, where you going?

Oh, uh, I'm just gonna drive my car
super fast

through the Hollywood Hills.

Dude, that is irresponsible and reckless.

Can you give me a ride
to Jared Leto's sex dungeon?

No. No.
Not after what you said to me, man.

-[engine starts]
-[tires squealing]

Oh, man. This is the best fucking tweet
anyone's ever read.

Now what emoji do I cap it off with?

Thi-- Oh, no! [screams]

[audience laughs]

Oh, no.

-[cackling] Oh, yes.
-[audience laughs]

I'm the devil, and you're in hell, my man.

-[scoffs]
-Your eternal suffering begins now.

The Guilt Trip was a shitty movie.

Is that really necessary, man?

Was it necessary to make the movie
The Guilt Trip?

Look, I can't be in hell, man.
I'm a movie star.

[scoffs] Tell that to Woody Allen.

-He's not dead yet.
-Oh, really? He's not dead?

You seen his last three movies? Okay?
Trust me. He's in hell.

I just saw John Wayne Gacy
taking a shit in his face.

-Look, I'm a good person. Okay?
-[scoffs]

What have you ever done that's good
in your life?

When have you ever given back?

Except for when you nearly bankrupted
Bud Light with those fucking commercials.

I can't be dead. There's so many things
I would do differently.

I would not have smoked weed
in front of Steven Spielberg that time.

He never looked at me
as a serious actor again.

And that's true.

-[chuckles] Yeah.
-[audience laughs]

I would have taken the lead role in Ted.

Not the bear, Ted,
but the human friend of the bear.

You mean John?

I don't think that's it.

I'm Satan, the Eternal Prince
of all that's dark.

You don't think I know the name
of the lead character

in my favorite movie of all time,

starring my favorite actor,
directed by my favorite filmmaker?

Okay? It's fucking John.

Honestly, if there's one major thing
I would have done differently,

I would've started a charity.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

You just surprised me right now.

I didn't think you'd have it in you,
but Seth, you do.

I'm gonna tell you this right now.

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

I'm gonna send you back to Earth,

but you need to start a charity.

I will.

I'm gonna start a charity,
and it will be the best celebrity charity

anyone's ever fucking seen
in their entire life.

-Right. Charity's not a competition.
-Oh, it is a competition,

and I'm gonna win
that fucking competition.

Everyone's gonna be like,
"Have you seen Seth Rogen's charity?

It's the best charity I've ever seen."

And they'll all be sucking
on my vape pen-filled dick.

-[audience laughs]
-You are missing the point.

I am not missing anything.

Send me back, devil.

All right, fuck off, Seth.

[audio squealing]

-Wake up, man! Wake up!
-Oh, shit.

Oh, thank God.

I must have just nodded off. Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude, you were in the corner
slumped over like this.

We thought you were dead,
but then you shit your pants.

It's the only way we knew you were alive.
It smelled like lobster mac and cheese.

-[audience laughing]
-It was actually pretty good.

-You ate it?
-No, I just smelled it really close.

-What's your fucking problem, dude?
-[laughter]

Hey, man, you gotta go clean up
that mac and cheese shit-smear, dude.

No time, man. Not at all.

-I've got a charity to start.
-What?

Do you want to take the vape pen
out of your dick hole first?

-Yeah. [grunts]
-[popping]

You want some?

Yeah. Fucking disgusting. Totally.

-Cowabunga, dude.
-Cool.

Gonna go start that charity, man.

Hey, you need me for any of it?

No, I'm trying to get better people
than you.

-All right. So blessed.
-Thank you.

Hi. Get me Netflix. John Netflix. Senior.

John? It's Seth Rogen.
I'm gonna start a charity event.

This is the opening bit
to the charity event,

and then, I'm gonna do
like the opening title sequence,

and I was thinking of doing it
where I stand on stage

and I Care Bear stare the people's names
out of my tummy as it glows.

-And I'm gonna do that right now.
-[upbeat music plays]

[woman]
It's Seth Rogen's Hilarity for Charity...

-[audience cheering]
-...starring: Ike Barinholtz,

Sacha Baron Cohen,

Jeff Goldblum,

Chris Hardwick,

Nick Kroll,

Lauren Miller Rogen,

the Muppets,

Kumail Nanjiani,

Chelsea Peretti.

Stand-up performances by Michael Che,

Tiffany Haddish,

John Mulaney,

Sarah Silverman,

Michelle Wolf,

an animated short by Justin Roiland,

with performances by Post Malone

and Craig Robinson
& the Nasty Delicious.

And your host, Seth Rogen.

[cheering and applause]

-[music stops]
-See? It's weird.

-[loud cheering, whistling]
-Thank you all for coming.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming, uh,
for Hilarity for Charity.

I really, really appreciate it.

You are helping raise money
for Alzheimer's,

um, for research and for in-home care,

so we don't all go to hell one day.

-Uh, and... it's a good cause.
-[cheers and applause]

Um, I just also want you to know

that I'm pretty aware
that it's a very strong choice

to start our charity event

with me smoking a vape pen
through my urethra. Um...

[crowd chuckles]

It's a big choice
for an Alzheimer's charity event.

So, what we're gonna do
is a thing that we call "alts,"

or alternative jokes,

just in case we decide

that me inhaling drugs
through an uncircumcised penis

is a little too much
for the opening of the show.

So I have a camera guy here,
just to kind of pick off a few.

So, the first one we're gonna get, again,
is a circumcised penis. Uh...

-[laughter]
-You know, just in case. Okay?

We got that. Perfect. Um...

Now, I'm gonna get
a realistically-sized penis.

-So, there we go for that one.
-[laughter]

Much better. Fantastic.

Now, Netflix has a very big
international audience,

so I thought, what better thing to do
than have an international penis here?

-So here we have a French penis.
-[laughter]

His monocle fell off. There you go.

[laughter]

And for our viewers from Australia,

we got this penis,
the penis from Down Under.

-[laughter]
-We'll just knock that out.

That's what it's like there.
That's what they're like.

You may recognize this next penis
from the show

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dinkholes...

-Please welcome Guy Fieri penis.
-[laughter]

Perfect.

Now...

I want the show to be family-friendly.

[laughter]

I want kids to be able to watch it.

So I thought, "Why don't we make
a penis for kids?"

[laughter]

Here's a Minion penis.

-[laughter]
-[Seth] Bee-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo.

Perfect! I think we got our bases covered.

Thank you guys very much.
I can't believe I'm saying this.

-I think...
-[applause]

...I've reached my threshold
on dick jokes.

I'm joking, there's way more dick jokes
throughout this night.

All right, are you guys ready
to get this show started?

[cheers and applause]

This first comedian plays clubs
and colleges all over the country.

Please give it up for Michael Che.

-[audience cheering]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

Hello.

Hi. Wow, how are you guys?

[audience cheering]

Very white.

-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

Holy shit, black people do not care
about this cause, apparently.

-[laughter]
-[Michael laughs]

I'm very happy to be here.

[chuckles] Nah, this is great.

You know when you're in an airplane,
you're like, above the clouds,

and you just see clouds?
That's what this feels like.

[laughter]

I'm very happy to be here.

As soon as Seth asked me,
I was like, "Absolutely."

He said, "I got this amazing charity,
and you can come by and do a set,

give your time, or you could
donate some money,

-and I was like, "I'll do a set." And...
-[laughter]

This cause means a lot to me.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's.

And, uh...

Ah, if you know someone with Alzheimer's,
visit them.

And, uh, the best thing to do
is give them music

or things from their childhood
to help them, you know...

Kind of-- It puts them in a good place.

Like, for my grandmother,
I like to go visit her,

and I tell her a really, really mean,
racist joke, and...

it makes her feel
like a little girl again.

[laughter]

Brings her back to the '50s immediately.

Doesn't have to be a good joke,

just anything that is mean
to Polish people, she loves it.

-Um...
-[laughter]

[chuckles]

This is for charity. If you don't like it,
you're part of the problem.

[laughter]

I like to drink.

LA's not really a drinking town,
I noticed. Your bars close at like 2:00.

[crowd chuckles]

Ugh. In New York,
you could drink all night.

Into the morning time.

Sometimes I drink so late,

that I see people my age
taking their kids to school.

[laughter]

We just both look at each other like,
"Boy, did you fuck up your life."

[laughter]

After-hour bars are illegal
in New York, though,

so you gotta have cash. Cash only.

One time I tried to go to a bar...
with a credit card.

They wouldn't give it to me.
They wouldn't sell me a drink.

I got upset.
I got into a fight with this bartender.

In the middle of the fight,
this gay guy walks up to me.

I knew he was a gay guy,
because I took one look at him.

[laughter]

He was visibly gay.

You guys are uncomfortable by that,
because this is on TV. I get it. But...

You've never seen a visibly--
If a cop came in and was like,

"Looking for a gay guy who stole a purse,"
I'd be like, "This guy. Right?"

[laughter]

Is that weird?

I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen...?

[laughter]

You've never seen a kid and been like,
"Aw, shit. Later, probably. Yeah."

[laughter]

You never watch MasterChef Junior?

[laughter]

[chuckles] I'm like, "Oh, shit.
This kid thinks he's just into soufflés."

-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

That's not the point. The point is,
I was trying to buy a drink,

and this gay guy walks up to me.

[laughter]

And he says, "Hey...

I'll buy your drinks all night."

And I was like, "Thank you."

[laughter]

"I'll have a beer and a shot."

And I got it. He poured the beer,
the shot,

I slammed the shot,
and I was sipping the beer.

As I was sipping the beer,
the bartender was chuckling.

And I'm like, "What the fuck is so funny?
I just beat the system."

[crowd chuckles]

She goes, "You know he only bought that

because he's trying
to have sex with you later."

And I was like, "Hey, is that shit true?"

And he goes, "Well, that's the plan."

I was like, "Really?
That's your fucking plan?

Gonna buy me drinks all night
to the point where I get so drunk

that I end up having sex with you later?"

And he said, "Yes."

And I was like, "Challenge accepted."

[laughter]

"I want to see where this shit goes."

He was a man of his word.
He bought me drinks all fucking night.

He'd even check on me periodically.

He'd rub the small of my back,
and go, "How you feeling, big boy?"

-[laughter]
-I was like, "Still straight, bro.

Maybe some of that 30-year-old Scotch
might loosen me up."

[laughter]

"It's always been too expensive
for my taste,

but for science, I feel like we should
leave no stone unturned."

[laughter]

I blue-balled the fuck out of Marco.
[chuckles]

His name was Marco.
I'll never forget his name

because I asked, and he goes,
"My name is Marco.

I like to dance and I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay.

-Coming in hot there, Marco."
-[laughter]

I guess I'll keep that shit in mind

in case somebody gets you
for Secret Santa."

[laughter]

[chuckles]
"Hey, what should we get Marco?"

"I don't know.
He likes to dance and suck cock, so...

-a cape?" What do you...?
-[laughter]

What do you get the man that has it all?

[crowd chuckling]

I drink till like 9:30 in the morning
on Marco's dime.

He finally just stormed out of the bar.

I was like, "Good game, bro."

[laughter]

"Both teams played hard, my man."

Bartender was not laughing anymore.

She was like,
"You took advantage of that guy."

I was like, "First of all, he was trying
to take advantage of me first."

I don't know if you remember,
but he was trying to fuck me."

[laughter]

I wasn't trying to take advantage of him.

He offered to buy me drinks,
and I accepted. What's wrong with that?

Plus, if there's a number of drinks
that I can have

that's gonna make me end up
having sex with a dude,

I want to know that fucking number.

[laughter]

I want to be able to walk into a bar,

slam my card down, and be like,
"Cut me off at eight."

[laughter]

I gotta go. Thank you guys so much.

My name is Michael Che. Goodnight.

[cheers and applause]

[man] In the last year,

Netflix has released an incredible 3,000
stand-up comedy specials

from comedy icons like Chris Rock,

Amy Schumer, and Dave Chappelle.

In fact, there's only one legend
of stand-up

who hasn't released a special
on Netflix...

until now.

For the first time ever,
this is his story.

First thing you gotta know about Netflix
is we make a lot of stand-up specials.

I know it said 3,000,

but that's just what's on the air.

We've got another 64,000 specials
in the can.

It's exciting to be able to bring
so much stand-up into the world.

So many, that people are like,

"Why did you guys give
those people Netflix specials?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

We're making so much money,
you would not believe it.

[laughter]

He is without a doubt one of the greatest
stand-up comedians of all time.

Huge influence on me.

I mean, his skill is...

[chuckles] ...inhuman.

Try to imagine comedy without Fozzie Bear.

-[crowd cheering]
-Aah! Wocka, wocka! Oh...

[Kumail] Yeah, I remember...
the first time I saw Fozzie Bear.

I was little kid, and I'll never forget
the joke he did.

He said, uh,

"Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

Because he was tired of people talking
behind his back."

-[audience chuckling]
-"Wocka, wocka."

[laughter]

Now, at that time, comics were only doing
one wocka after their jokes.

and some hacks
were doing three or four wockas.

-But Fozzie did two.
-[laughter]

He was literally the only living
stand-up comedian

we hadn't given a special to yet.

We even gave a few
to comedians who died.

The Dangerfield hologram killed.

That's the story of my life, no respect.
I don't get no respect at all.

-[laughter]
-Fozzie is one of those comedians.

who isn't afraid to say
what we're all thinking.

Like, what's a taxi driver's
favorite food?

Cabbage.

-Like-- But we're too afraid to say it.
-[laughter]

Fozzie says it.

We can't stand him...

-Mmm.
-...but I'll bet this special

will do great with the bear's
target demographic.

Ah! Yeah, people who died
watching Netflix on autoplay.

[cackling]

Fozzie Bear is my idol

and when they asked
if they could record his Netflix special

at my charity event, I was like,

"Yes, that's perfect."

So, here to perform his special,

please welcome Fozzie Bear, everybody.

-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

Thank you! Thank you, Seth. Oh, yes!

Yes! Oh!

-Hiya! Hiya! Whoa! [grunts]
-[applause continues]

-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-[laughter]

[Fozzie chuckles]

Just a little nervous
streaming to all these people. [chuckles]

You'd think a bear would be comfortable
in a stream, but...

I don't see any salmon, do you?

Aah, get it? Salmon, stream?

[nervous chuckle]

You see, sir, I'm a bear...

and bears have a real taste for salmon.

It actually might be our favorite thing
in the world--

-[stammers] Oh! Oh!
-Fozzie! Fozzie!

-Yo.
-Wha...? Huh?

What's up, man?

[stammering]

I'm dying out here, Seth. That's what's--

-Yeah, dude, I can tell, you're bombing.
-[stammers] Yeah! Any ideas?

-I do have some ideas. Honestly...
-Yeah?

...I'm not a strong performer on stage,
so whenever it's not going well,

-there's one thing that always works.
-What? Tell me!

I ask my talented famous friends

to do cameo appearances
to kind of pander to the audience

and distract from the fact that
I'm not doing that well.

-[laughter]
-That sounds like a great ide--

Yes! And I know just who to call.

Kermit!

Yeah, what is it, Fozzie?

-[cheers and applause]
-Aah. How's it going?

I need you to do a cameo appearance
and pander to the audience.

Oh. Oh, sure.
I mean, we do that for Seth all the time.

Come on, gang. Come on in.

-Hey, come on out! Come out here.
-[all chattering]

-[cheers and applause]
-I didn't know you were all here!

-Wow!
-Hey! Hey!

-Music! Here we go.
-[playing "The Magic Store"]

-[Fozzie] Oh, I know this song.
-[Kermit] Yeah.

-It's a good one.
-Here we go.

I'll start.

♪ It starts when we're kids ♪

♪ A show-off at school ♪

♪ Making faces at friends ♪

♪ You're a clown and a fool ♪

[Fozzie] Aah!

♪ Doing pratfalls and bird calls
And bad imitations ♪

♪ Ignoring your homework
Is that dedication? ♪

♪ You work through the mirror ♪

♪ You're getting standing ovations ♪

♪ You're burning with hope ♪

♪ You're building up steam ♪

♪ What was once juvenile-ish
Is grown up and stylish ♪

♪ You're close to your dream ♪

Yeah!

♪ Then somebody out there loves you ♪

-♪ Stands up and hollers for more ♪
-More!

♪ You've got a home at the Magic Store ♪

You did it, Fozzie.

It's out best stand-up special yet!

Oh, you guys really think so?

Yeah, it was perfect!
It was just like a movie.

Oh, nice song cue, Kumail.

♪ Life's like a movie ♪

♪ Write your own ending ♪

♪ Keep believing, keep pretending ♪

♪ We've done just what
We set out to do ♪

♪ Thanks to the lovers ♪

♪ The dreamers ♪

♪ And you ♪

[cheers and applause]

-[Fozzie] Oh, yeah!
-[Kermit] That was great.

-[Seth] We did it.
-[Fozzie] Thanks, guys!

-[all chattering]
-[Kermit] Great job, Kumail.

-Nice job, Seth.
-Great job, Muppets.

Thank you to the Muppets, everybody!

-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

[Seth] She plays clubs and colleges
all over the country.

Michelle Wolf!

-[applause continues]
-[music stops]

Oh, hi, guys, how are you?

Boy, what a time we're having.

There's so much happening.

So much sexual harassment happening
over the last couple of centuries.

[laughter]

Just all these brand-new allegations
from the beginning of time.

[laughter]

Men have been sexually harassing women
since the beginning.

It's even in the Bible. What's it say?

It's like, "On the third day,
God was like, 'Hey sugar tits.'"

[laughter]

You know. But, to be fair,
he had just made tits.

-[crowd chuckling]
-And sugar. It was a good day.

It was the best day.

And now, men don't even know
how to act anymore.

Guy friends of mine will be like,

"If a woman walks by,
can I even say she looks nice?"

And men, this is how you can
not get accused of sexual harassment.

It works almost all the time.

Men, all you have to do is be hot.

[laughter, scattered applause]

And then we'll be like,
"Aah! He touched my boob!

The hot guy touched my boob!"

We might even apologize.

-"I'm so sorry, my boob was in your hand."
-[laughter]

"It wasn't even the good one,
you should touch the other one.

It's a better shape."

[laughter]

They're different shapes.

But everything's broken,
probably because we're all idiots.

[laughter]

We have too many people anyway.

People are are trying to figure out
what to do with immigrants.

A lot of people are worried about
immigrants coming and taking our jobs.

I'm worried about Americans
taking immigrant jobs.

I got a massage from
a Midwestern white lady.

[laughter]

It essentially felt like a cat was walking
on my back for an hour.

[laughter]

Not an angry or a hungry cat.

Just a happy cat...

[laughter]

...trying to find a place to sleep.

And then a couple of weeks later,
I got a massage from a Korean man,

and he pressed into my back
with the pressure

that he had left his whole family behind.

[laughter]

That's a great massage!

You need a massage from someone
who's been through something.

You can't get a massage from a woman
named Meredith,

where the worst thing that
ever happened to her

is the one time she got bangs.

[laughter]

I walked in and saw it was a white lady,
and at first I was like,

"It could be okay. She could be Russian."

[laughter]

But then she goes, "Lay down."

I was like, "No, she sounds like me."
[giggles]

[laughter]

Because rarely do you walk
into a situation and think,

"You know who would be better at this job?
A white lady."

[laughter]

Unless that job is crying
outside of a bar. Then, yes.

[laughter]

We are so good at it.

Plus, you don't want a massage
from someone

that wants to give you a massage,

you want a massage from someone
that has to give you a massage.

-[laughter]
-Those are two very different people.

Somebody that wants to touch
your naked back for an hour,

that's a serial killer.

[laughter]

Someone that has to give you a massage,

someone's that's like,
"This fucking piece of shit...

comes in here and says
her neck is sore from sleeping wrong?"

[laughter]

"I work 70 hours a day.

I live three states away,

and I bike to work,
and this piece of shit..."

-[laughter]
-And the whole time, you're thinking,

-"This is a great massage."
-[laughter continues]

[applause, cheering]

Yeah. My back feels great.
He makes an American living.

-That's the real happy ending.
-[laughter]

All right, thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Michelle Wolf.

[cheers and applause]

Holy shit. Welcome to another edition
of Talking Hilarity for Charity.

Tonight, we have Seth Rogen on the show.

I am Chris Hardwick,
and this is Talking Hilarity for Charity.

-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

Thanks for joining us.
Seth, thank you for being here.

-Very exciting to have you.
-Thank you for having me.

Good. So, um... How do you think
the show is going so far?

Uh, well, I think the opening...

You know, I really doubled down
on that penis gag,

and I wasn't sure about it going in,
but I just tried to make the best of it.

We asked the audience what they thought
about your opening bit.

Here's what they had to say.

Twelve percent enjoyed the penis gag.

Eighty-six percent
did not enjoy the penis gag.

Two percent were not comfortable

with the words "penis" or "gag"
next to one another.

[laughter]

I get that.

If they didn't like that,
we still have John Mulaney,

Tiffany Haddish, and Post Malone,

-so there's a lot more of the show.
-That sounds great.

Let's check out some highlights
of the show so far. Let's roll that.

[band plays rock music]

Fuck you.

[laughter]

I don't think any of that stuff
happened on the show.

[laughs] That's great.
Thanks so much, Seth.

[cheers and applause]

Now...

we want the special to be seen
by as many people as possible,

and the Netflix algorithm
is the thing that decides who sees what.

And no one quite gets
how the fuck it works.

So, we want to trick
the Netflix algorithm, basically,

by including as many genres
in this special as humanly possible

to get it do as many people
as humanly possible.

So, our first genre appeals to families,
animal lovers,

science enthusiasts,
people who are extremely high.

It is... the very, very classy
nature documentary.

Take it away.

[slow, dramatic theme plays]

I am Sir David Attenborat.

-[laughter]
-It's for charity, what do you expect?

Join me as we explore
the infinite variety,

majesty, and ingenuity...

of Life Itself.

[laughter]

Southern California

is a hostile and insular archipelago,

home to a plethora of creatures,

including the agent, the publicist,

and 15 other sub-species of wanker.

[audience laughs]

No animal in this region

epitomizes the wanker more than...

the Seth Rogen.

[laughter]

A sedentary, house-dwelling ape,

the Seth is one of the rarest subspecies

of the common Jewish cannabis addict...

[laughter]

...Stono Judaicus.

[laughter continues]

Discovered barely 19 years ago
by the Juddus Apatowicus,

the Seth subsists on a diet

of Doritos, Pop-Tarts, and pornography.

[laughter]

Despite his obvious physical shortcomings,

the Seth has achieved dominance
in his pride

by drawing attention to himself
like a peacock,

if instead of feathers, the plumage
were made of dicks, weed, and fart jokes.

[audience laughing]

Procreation for this beast is a challenge,

as the Seth finds it virtually impossible

to become aroused by anything
other than interracial pornography,

with the faces of celebrities
digitally added on.

[laughter]

It is now... 4:00 in the morning,

and as the temperature drops,

there is an unexpected threat.

The Seth's internet is down.

[laughter]

This slovenly creature is agitated.

He has not masturbated
in almost two hours.

[laughter]

And if the internet does not return soon,

he will we forced to venture
into the outside world

to self-stimulate

in the hostile environment

of a Starbucks disabled toilet.

-[laughter]
-The journey there is treacherous.

Round the corner

lurks a pack of pygmy
spectacled comedy nerds.

Eight to ten of them,
and they're hungry...

for a selfie.

The Seth, stoned and heavy with semen,

is no match for this young nerd's agility.

[no audible dialogue]

But this time, the Seth is in luck.

The nerd has mistaken him
for another subspecies of Stono Judaicus,

the Jonah Hill.

[laughter]

His journey complete,

he finally has access
to wireless fidelity.

But just moments from mating
with eight sheets of toilet paper,

there is an unforseen challenge.

-[audience laughing]
-Oh, no!

Shoot.

What will he do?

Fight or flush?

Yeah!

Victorious, this proud beast
has triumphed.

[dryer whirring]

-This has been Life Itself...
-[music stops]

Look, listen, I did my best.

I know at times I sound a bit
like a Chinese Winston Churchill.

What did you fucking want,
Benedict fucking Cumberbatch?

Well, he wasn't available.

Actually, he was unaffordable,
he wanted 50 grand.

It's for charity. What a shitbag.

[laughter]

I'm doing this for 20. Goodbye.

[cheers and applause]

All right, um,
I'm really excited for our next comedian.

You've probably seen him perform at clubs
and colleges all over the country.

Please give it up for John Mulaney.

-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

Well! Hello, my name is John Mulaney.

How are you?

-I am, uh...
-[crowd cheering]

I'm gonna do stand-up comedy now,
which is like a funny speech.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

Okay, I'm good.

I spilled the free water
on my pants backstage,

and I was nervous to come out,

'cause I thought that you would think
that I had peed in my pants,

and we need to stop being
worried about that as a society.

Because, guess what?

No one anywhere is peeing in their pants

and then just going about their day
as planned.

Just like, "Ah, I seem to have
peed into my pants,

off to the side until completion.

But I have appointments,
I must a soldier on.

I'll sure get a lot more done,

now that I don't have to go
to the bathroom.

I see people in bathrooms, like,
under the hand dryer,

like, roasting their genitals.

Enough.

It doesn't even look like pee.

Have you ever actually peed your pants?
Of course you have.

It's like an abstract painting
down the inside of your thigh.

-It comes out the bottom of your shoe.
-[laughter]

Pee is like fire in the movie Backdraft.

It goes where it wants.

[laughter]

Also, it wasn't water, it was pee.

'Cause I stopped peeing,
but I didn't stop,

-and it kept coming out a little bit.
-[laughter]

I'm 35 now.

-That's young, but it's also not.
-[laughter]

My wife is in love with this
Timothée Chalamet son of a bitch.

-He's like 21 years old.
-[laughter]

It's a joke when she kids me about it,
but it's not a joke. And...

I'm six feet tall.
That's like a big deal to me.

I don't know why it's a big deal,
but I like that I'm six feet tall.

We were coming back from dinner
the other night, my wife walks past me,

she goes, "You know,
Timothée Chalamet's 6'1"."

And I just internalized it.

-[laughter]
-And then the next day,

I looked it up online,
and it said he was 5'11".

So I leave the garage...

my office is in the garage...

-and I go into the home, where she is.
-[laughter]

And I go into her office,
and I go, "You know, he's 5'11"."

She goes, "What?" I go, "The boy!"

He's not 6'1", he's 5'11".

She goes, "What the hell
are you talking about?"

I said, "I'm six feet.

-I'm taller than the boy."
-[laughter]

"You said Timothée Chalamet was 6'1",
he's 5'11"."

She goes, "I was fucking kidding."

[laughter]

My wife is very tough.
She's not sensitive.

Sometimes I think
she's gonna be sensitive.

I got a back X-ray done,
because I don't sit up straight,

and in the X-ray,
they saw a shadow on my lung. Okay?

Everything is fine, by the way,
but this was back in the fall,

and I was on tour and I didn't want
to tell her over the phone,

so I waited till I got home.

And then I sat her down
when I got home that morning,

and I said, "Hey, sit down,
I need to talk to you,

and this is not a bit,"

which is what I have to say
before I say anything serious to her.

[laughter]

I go, "This is not a bit.

It's gonna sound scary,
but don't worry,

everything's gonna be fine."

I don't know if you were a male comedian
in the fall of 2017,

or in the winter of 2018 currently,

but sitting your wife down and saying,

"I've gotta tell you something scary...

but don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine,"

-has different connotations.
-[laughter]

My wife said, "What the hell did you do?"

I said, "No, I might have lung cancer."
She said, "Oh, thank God."

[laughter]

This is a beautiful event.

I'm really happy that Lauren and Seth
had me at this.

It's great to give to charity.

You gotta be careful about
who you give to, though,

because sometimes you give to someone
that you think is deserving,

and then there's someone else
who is equally deserving,

and they totally get shafted.

Like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

[laughter]

-What if I didn't explain what I meant?
-[laughter]

"Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
All right, goodnight everybody." No.

[laughter]

Remember, Charlie gets a golden ticket.

He can take one person with him
to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,

and he says, "I know who I'll take.
I'll take Grandpa Joe."

And Grandpa Joe says, "Really Charlie?
You're gonna take me?"

And they go to Wonka's factory,

and there's some shenanigans,

but there's a lot of life lessons.

And in the end,
they get the greatest gift of all,

and it's a wonderful tale
of the human heart, isn't it?

Well, guess what?

Charlie has a whole other grandfather...

[crowd chuckling]

...and he doesn't give
that other grandfather jack shit.

-[laughter]
-His name is Grandpa George,

in case you've forgotten.

It's Grandpa George,

and he sleeps in the same bed
foot to foot with Grandpa Joe,

and he looks like a turtle,

and he doesn't have a line in the movie,

and he doesn't get a goddamn thing.

[laughter]

Charlie Bucket waltzes in,
waving gold around.

-He goes, "I know who I'll take."
-[laughter]

And then he walks over to that
four-person nightmare

-that is his grandparents' bed.
-[laughter]

He walks over to that Mount Rushmore
of bedsores...

[laughter]

He goes, "I'm gonna take Grandpa Joe,"

and he kind of gives the finger
to the other three grandparents.

Now maybe you're thinking, "Hey,
Grandpa Joe, maybe he deserved to go."

He had a tough life, right?

'Cause remember Grandpa Joe says,
"I don't know if I can go, Charlie.

-I haven't walked in 40 years."
-[crowd chuckling]

"Wait, let me check."

[laughter]

Then he lifts the world's
worst-smelling duvet...

[laughter]

...and he gets out of bed,
and he can walk!

-Fuck you.
-[laughter]

You could walk this whole time?

You walrus-mustached son of a bitch.

-[laughter]
-You John Bolton-looking asshole.

We've been supporting you
while my mother cooks laundry soap

while singing "Cheer Up, Charlie,"

-which is an awful song.
-[laughter]

And we all fast-forward through it.

[laughter]

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much!

[cheers and applause]

Now...

a big category on the Netflix algorithm
is animation.

And, in order to trick Netflix
into putting us in that genre,

I needed some help.

So, please enjoy this short film

from Rick and Morty co-creator
Justin Roiland, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Hey everybody, we're the Charity Brothers.

-I'm Chair.
-And I'm Ity. [laughs]

That's right. We love charity.

We've been doing these charity events
as long as I can remember.

But nothing big ever like this before.
This is the biggest one yet,

thanks to Seth Rogen for spotting one
of our smaller charity event appearances,

and he reached out to us after that.

[stammers] Huge thanks to Seth Rogen

for this opportunity to show
our charity chops on the big stage.

You know, this is really gonna
make our lives better.

It means a lot.
The Charity Brothers love you, Seth.

You're responsible for everything
the Charity Brothers do from here.

Okay, with that out of the way,
let's get this show on the road.

Yeah. [laughs]

Anyways, we may as well start with
the very same classic routine

that caught Seth Rogen's attention
in the first place, right, Char?

That sounds good to me, Ity.

Without further ado, here's our short:
The Apple Stand Caper.

All the way back from 1998.

Roll the clip.

[giggling in audience]

-[both grunting]
-[audience laughing]

Yeah, Ity.

Bet you never thought your brother
could do this--

Bet you never thought your brother
could do this before.

Oh, show 'em--
Show 'em what an animal you are.

[audience exclaiming]

-Oh, Ity!
-[Ity groans]

[audience groaning, chuckling]

All right, I-- [stammers]

I don't know what that was.
I've never seen that before.

That was not The Apple Stand Caper
from 1998.

I don't know what that was.

I just have to say that's not--
I've never seen that video before.

That's new video to me.
I've never seen that footage. Uh...

And I want to be clear,
that is not something we would ever do.

Um...

I-- I'm at a loss for words,
to tell the truth.

It might've been some kind of CGI
or something.

-I have no clue.
-Yeah.

Absolutely. I was just gonna say--
I was literally gonna say that.

Because computers these days,
you can make anything look real.

Anything fake can look real
with computers.

-[audience chuckling]
-And, uh, I think that's a wrap.

Uh, please donate. It's a good cause.

Special thanks again to Seth Rogen.

[applause]

[Seth chuckling, laughing]

Oh...

-That makes me happy. That just...
-[laughter]

All right, um, I'm really, really excited
for our next comedian.

She plays at clubs and colleges
all over the country.

Please give it up for Sarah Silverman.

-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

Hi, everybody.

-[scattered cheering]
-Um, that's enough.

-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

[sighs]

God, I'm really gonna do it, you guys.

I'm really gonna have no kids.

-[crowd chuckling]
-I can't believe it.

I'm baby crazy.

That's what's insane about it.

I love kids.

I love kids.

The only thing I love more than kids

is doing anything I want at all times.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

But kids are great.

I bet your kids are a great measurement
of time, right?

Like, you can go, like,
"Let's see, that was when Billy was four,

so that was '98, 1998."

-[crowd chuckling]
-That's so great to have that.

When you don't have kids...

all you have is 9/11.

[laughter]

It puts such a malaise...

over just everything you try to recall.

I did mu--
The first time I did mushrooms,

I went to the top
of the World Trade Center. That's true.

-Um...
-[laughter]

Where the World Trade Center was

is now a gorgeous building,
the Freedom Tower,

and it's-it's gorgeous, and it's, um...

And there was kind of like a weird thing
where people were angry

because they wanted to put
a memorabilia store

in the lobby of the Freedom Tower

and people thought that was
maybe not tasteful.

And, uh...

You know, I think it's important.

I think that unless you have a mug...

-how are you gonna remember 9/11?
-[crowd chuckling]

Before they put a gift store
in the Holocaust Museum,

my nana would have to
tie a string around her finger.

[crowd chuckles]

And that would be just
to remember to look at her arm.

[crowd groans]

Oh, my God. Too soon?

I just did a thousand 9/11 jokes.

[laughter]

Good Lord.

Never forget.

I shouldn't say that tonight. Sorry.

-I can make Alzheimer jokes.
-[crowd groaning]

-No. It's okay. I...
-[laughter]

Trust me, I can do that. I saw, um...

I saw Still Alice. Okay.

[laughter]

The last time I had sex,
after the sex, we were like,

you know how you're just kind of
splayed out on the bed?

And my dog jumps on the bed,

uh, looking to, I believe,

ingest all the post-coital detritus.

[audience groans, chuckles]

And I usually don't like to use big words,
'cause I think it's elitist, but...

I feel like it's a good move
in this case, 'cause it...

[laughter]

...makes the brow of the joke higher.

She wanted to lick up
all our post-coital detritus,

and I didn't... I'm not a monster...
I didn't let her.

I know you think I'm an animal, probably,

but, no, I do know the difference
between right and wrong. Um...

[crowd chuckling]

I don't know that I could articulate
exactly why that would be wrong.

Um, but I know that it's...

I guess, just 'cause it's gross
to let your dog do that. Um...

I don't know if it's ethically wrong.

-I'm not gonna die on that hill, but...
-[crowd chuckling]

I guess the worst thing that could happen
is if I'm walking her,

she might vomit up cum and coconut oil.

It'd be hard to explain.

[crowd chuckling]

But not impossible to explain. I mean...

I would just be like,
"Oh, God, gross. Um...

I let her lick up the leavings
of my sexual encounter,

and it must not have sit well with her.

I'm not gonna do that again."

[laughter]

Kanye West took me to lunch.

-[laughter]
-That needs no segue.

That's true. He took me to lunch once,
and it was very exciting.

I barely heard a thing he said,

because I was just feeling people
seeing me out to lunch with Kanye West.

We didn't have a lot in common,
but we also do have a lot in common.

Like, we both use our Notes app
on our iPhone.

You know, him for, like,
ideas for for lyrics,

and me for ideas for jokes,

and so we went like one for one

and he was like, um...

"Weak is a description,
weed is a prescription."

And I was like, "Whoa." And...
I was so impressed.

Then it was my turn, and I was like, um...

-"My grandma gets really heavy periods."
-[laughter]

Support Alzheimer's research everybody.
Goodnight.

[cheers and applause]

All right, please,

everyone welcome my wonderful wife,
Lauren.

-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

Hi.

Hi.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much for being here tonight
and supporting Hilarity for Charity.

The day of my college graduation,

I noticed that my mom, Adele,
was repeating herself,

telling the same story
over and over again.

Over the next few years,
that repetition was joined by confusion,

while doing simple tasks,
like reading recipes, making plans.

Eventually, when she was 55 and I was 25,

she was diagnosed
with Alzheimer's disease.

It was devastating to her, to our family,

and to so many friends that had known her

as the smart, beautiful, and engaged woman
that she always was.

She'd been a teacher for 35 years,

she used her mind every day,
and dedicated herself completely

to the friends and family that she loved
so very much.

Over the 13 years that me and Lauren
have been together,

they've been great,
but I watched her mom unfortunately

forget how to walk, how to talk,
how to eat on her own,

how to care for herself.

The effect on Lauren during this time
was brutal.

If you Google Alzheimer's,
the first thing you see

is that there is no treatment,

and that there is no known cure,

which is obviously pretty upsetting.

So we did the only thing we knew how to do
as comedy writers.

We gathered some friends together
to host a show

-called Hilarity for Charity.
-[cheers and applause]

And in those six years,
Hilarity for Charity has developed

into a pretty special organization.

We've raised awareness

and engaged with young people
across the country.

We've hosted support groups

for those with parents or spouses
affected by the disease.

We've established a national
home-care grant program,

and begun work on some
really important research

into brain health and prevention.

Before seeing Lauren's mom,

I didn't realize that caring for someone
with Alzheimer's

is a 24 hour a day,
seven day a week thing.

The toll it was taking on Lauren's dad

honestly made us worry we were
gonna lose him before her mom.

Luckily, our family is fortunate

in that we can afford
to keep my mother-in-law at home

with wonderful caretakers.

But, unfortunately, many people
are not in that position.

So, through our experience in working
with my mom's amazing caregivers,

we decided to form a partnership
with a national home-care agency,

Home Instead Senior Care,

to support people that need
a little extra help.

In the past three years,
Hilarity for Charity

has already given away over 200,000 hours
of free at-home care.

[cheers and applause]

One of the best parts of this charity

is sometimes we call the families

to tell them that
they got one of our grants.

-Hello?
-Hi, Mary.

This is Lauren Miller Rogen,
calling from Hilarity for Charity.

[Lauren and Seth chuckle]

I'm doing well.

-Um, I'm here with my husband, Seth...
-Hi.

[Lauren] ...and we'd love to...

award you 15 hours a week of care
for a full year.

[gasps]

[all laughing]

[Lauren] Okay, bye.

[cheers and applause]

There are currently
more than five million people

living with Alzheimer's disease
in America.

Globally, an estimated 47 million people

are living with Alzheimer's
or a related dementia.

These numbers are growing rapidly,
and as they do,

the cost of care will skyrocket.

In fact, Alzheimer's is considered to be
the costliest disease in America.

And that's why we need your money.

So if you can afford it,
or if you know someone who can afford it,

and you want to send this URL to them,

please donate
and help us fight this disease.

No donation is too small.

Even five dollars, ten dollars, will help.

You can send us any amount of money,
and we will take it.

Now, to be honest, this stuff
is like a giant massive bummer,

um, and this is a comedy show.

And for a really long time,

we had a hard time
reconciling those things.

Like, we didn't want to talk about
how sad it all is.

But over the years, what we realized
is that we need to talk about that,

because a lot of people
have sadness in their lives

and they have shame about it,
like it shouldn't be there.

And through hearing other people
talk about it,

sometimes they feel a little bit better.

And if we never talked about
how sad we were,

our friends wouldn't have known
that we needed help,

and they wouldn't have helped us
start this charity.

And with the charity came music
and jokes and food and new friends,

new friends whose specialty
is cheering people up.

-Hi-ho, everyone.
-Whoo.

-Yeah.
-[cheers and applause]

Hey, Seth, hey, Lauren. Hey, everybody.

Hey, Kermit.

You know what really cheers me up
when I am sad

and makes me feel like I'm not alone?

-What?
-A sing-along.

-[Seth] Aww.
-That's right.

So, everybody out there,
even you at home,

sing along with me and remember
you're not alone out there.

[band plays cheery melody]

Everyone sing along.

Yeah, please.
The words are gonna be up here.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

-All right!
-Kermit the Frog, everybody.

Thank you, Seth.

Thank you so much, Kermit.
A real pleasure.

-Thank you, Lauren.
-Thank you, sir.

Give it up for Kermit, everybody.

It's just crazy.

[cheers and applause]

All right.

Your last comedian of the evening

performs at clubs and colleges
all over the country.

Please give it up for Tiffany Haddish.

-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

Oh, shoot.

♪ What it do over there, band? ♪

♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪

♪ Hey! What it do over there, band? ♪

♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪

♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪

♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪

♪ Give it up for the band again ♪

♪ Give it up for the band again
Hey! ♪

-[crowd cheering]
-[band continues playing]

Okay.

-[music ends]
-What's up, y'all?

[cheers and applause]

I am so happy to be here tonight.

I have always wanted to perform here
at the Palladium.

This is where the Crips started.

-And...
-[laughter]

...to be a part of history's amazing.

The first time that the Crips
ever got in the newspaper

was right here in front of the Palladium

after a show for James Brown.

So, I feel like I made it.

-[imitates James Brown] Hey!
-[cheering]

That was for black people.
Sorry, white people. Anyways.

[laughter]

I'm so happy to be here too,

because I smell nothing but money
in the room.

It smells like success in here.

-[laughter]
-And that's making me moist.

[laughter continues]

I feel like I'm at the Oscars,

except I don't recognize
any of your faces.

[laughter]

So, this is awesome.

I knew there was other rich people
besides the ones I see on TV.

[laughter]

Hello, sir.

I like you, 'cause you look older.

[laughter]

It look like if we dated,
I wouldn't have to do that much work.

[laughter]

I'd just come in the room,
dance for you a little bit...

You'd be like, "Go Tiffany, go Tiffany."

-[loud snoring]
-[laughter]

And then I'd get your wallet,

and get enough money
to get my nails and hair done.

-[laughter]
-It'd be a good relationship.

I'm glad you lifted that camera up,

'cause I felt like you was looking
at my pussy the whole time.

[laughter]

And I was gonna give it to you,
like, "Come on now.

Let's see if I can get me a good,
rich man. Hey!"

[laughter]

I am so excited.

This year already has been the best year
of my entire existence.

I've been on this planet...

-[crowd cheering]
-...for quite some time,

and it's been the best year
of my existence.

I got to go to the Oscars.

I got to present,

and then I got to go
to some afterparties, right?

And I got to go to the Vanity Fair party.

I thought was gonna have to show my ID,

but turns out they knew
who I was already.

I was like,
"Is there a wanted picture for me?"

-And, um...
-[laughter]

Then I got to go, uh, to...

Beyoncé's and Jay-Z's party,
which, I know people are surprised--

Yes, I got invited
to the Gold party, bitch. I made it.

-[cheers and applause]
-Right?

Now, for you that don't know,

Beyoncé had came out with a song
just a few days before the Oscars,

and it's called "Top Off."
And in the song she says:

♪ If you want to party with the Queen ♪

♪ You gotta sign a non-disclosure
Tiffany ♪

And I was like, "I made it.
I made it. I'm famous.

I'm in a Beyoncé song." So...
[blows raspberry]

-Um...
-[laughter]

Forget all the little awards that I won,

or being in a movie that made
over 100 million dollars.

-That to me... I didn't make it.
-[crowd cheering]

Being in a Beyoncé song, I made it.
People like, "She throwing shade?"

I was like, "No, she's letting me know
she wanna hang out with me.

-I just gotta sign some paperwork."
-[laughter]

It's just like getting a county check.
You gotta get qualified.

-So...
-[laughter]

Y'all don't know about county checks,
but people watching will know.

-So...
-[laughter]

So, I go to the party, right?
Soon as I get there, I walk in,

I know that she said in the song that
she want me to sign a non-disclosure,

so I walked immediately up
to the DJ booth

and people see me, and they's waving.

And I'm like, "Mmm-mmm.
I got business to take care of.

Let me get in line."

And so, I talked to the DJ.
It's DJ Kid Capri.

And I'm like, "Yo, DJ." He's like,
"Yo, Tiffany, I'm so happy to see you."

I'm like, "Yeah, happy to see you too.
But look here... um...

I need you to get on the microphone

and tell Beyoncé that Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,

and I'm ready to sign that NDA.
Yeah, that non-disclosure form.

Because I'm ready to party."

[laughter]

He gets on the microphone:

"Beyoncé, Beyoncé, Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,

and she ready to sign
that non-disclosure form,

because she's ready to party."

Everybody laughing, and I jump out
to the middle of the floor.

I do the "Nae Nae" for like 30 seconds,

Beyoncé come up to me,
and that's all I can say about the party.

[cheers and applause]

Well, I feel good about
what I did here tonight.

I hope you all donated as much money
as you possibly can.

[cheers and applause]

Bye.

[crowd continues cheering]

Thank you.

-Tiffany Haddish, everybody.
-[applause continues]

Wow. Okay. Now...

I'm getting word that we are
very, very close to having included

every single element we need in this show

to show up in every single category
of the Netflix algorithm,

with one exception.

So, to tie up all the loose ends
and make sure we got everything,

I'd like to introduce, from every single
food documentary on Netflix,

-here's David Chang, everybody. [laughs]
-[cheers and applause]

All right, David Chang.

Cool, thanks, man.

Cool to have you. Uh, thank you so much.

Great, dude.Thank you.

Really? That's it?
This is all I'm here for?

-Sure is, man. That's it. Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

-Should I cook something?
-No, that's cool. That's cool.

Are you sure?

I'd be happy to literally cook a meal
for everyone here tonight.

-Who here would like that?
-[cheers and applause]

-They're placating you. Just go, man. Go.
-All right, man. Thanks.

Thank you. Good to see you.
David Chang, everybody.

Jesus.

Guy's always trying to fucking cook
for people. It's like, we get it.

-[laughter]
-Anyway...

with that...

we did it, everybody.

-We beat the algorithm!
-[audience cheering]

-We did it! We did it!
-[band plays dramatic flourish]

-Yes!
-[music stops]

What's happening?

[man] What are you doing? Seth?
You're really messing up.

[Seth] Who is that? What is that?

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Goldblum?

-You're blowing it, man. Blowing it. No.
-Jeff Goldblum.

No, Seth. I'm not Jeff Goldblum.

-I'm the Netflix algorithm.
-[laughter]

So, the Netflix algorithm
is Jeff Goldblum.

No, no, I'm just the algorithm.

Uh, you see, I chose to assume a shape

that your human mind
would be able to comprehend.

That shape, obviously, is Jeff Goldblum.

Check this out. The real Jeff Goldblum
is here somewhere in attendance.

Where is he?

Ah, there he is. Hi, Jeff.

[laughter]

Oddly, that makes sense.
So, uh, what's up, man?

-You mad at me? Is that what it is?
-No, no, no. Hang on. Listen.

You have the wrong motivation, Seth Rogen.

Uh... wrong motivation?

This is a charity special.
And not just that.

It's the biggest, best charity special
in the world!

-And if that's wrong...
-[crowd cheering]

...I don't know what in the hell
the right motivation is.

The right motivation
is valuing other people's lives

the way that you value your own.

One of the greatest essential
human virtues, which, by the way,

anybody can have, not just celebrities
with the resources

to pull off huge,
star-studded charity specials, is...

doing things for other people
even if those things don't benefit you

in any way whatsoever.

You know, I get it, I think.

And honestly,
I was wrong the fuck with the algorithm.

So, I'll just stop doing it.

I'll stop fucking with you, and I'll focus
on actually helping people,

and I'll just keep trying
to cure Alzheimer's

instead of trying to make myself
look funny and altruistic, I guess.

Bingo, and jeez... [stammers]

I'm so glad,
because this is been a test...

to decide whether or not humanity
was gonna be, um, eliminated.

[laughter]

-Really?
-Yeah.

The Netflix algorithm
was going to destroy humanity?

I've become so disenchanted with people
based on what they watch.

[laughter]

But yes, I was gonna destroy
human beings.

Even, if you can imagine it,
the real Mr. Jeff Goldblum, so sorry.

-[laughter]
-But now...

you...

Seth, in realizing the error
of your self-glorifying ways,

you've brought the human race
a second chance.

The Netflix algorithm is gonna allow
human life on this planet, such as it is,

to keep a'going.
But I'm gonna be watching you.

For now, bye, everybody,
and congratulations.

-And bye, Jeff Goldblum.
-[laughter]

Thank you. Good luck, everybody.
Good luck, Seth.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-[cheers and applause]
-That was a total mind fuck.

Because what I gleaned from that
is that I am so humble

and I'm so charitable

that I saved the fucking world!

-[band plays triumphant march]
-We did it!

[cheering, applause]

The USC Marching Band, everybody.

-[cheers and applause]
-[band continues playing march]

-[march ends]
-[playing "Return of the Mack"]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Post Malone, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Well, I tried to tell you so
But I guess you didn't know ♪

♪ When I said the story goes ♪

♪ Baby, now I got the flow ♪

♪ 'Cause I knew it from the start ♪

♪ Baby, when you broke my heart ♪

♪ That I'd come back again ♪

♪ And show you that I'm real ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All this time you said my life for you ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ Yes, I cried, yes, I cried ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

-♪ You know that I know ♪
-♪ Yeah, I know ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Once again ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Top of the world ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪

♪ Here I go
So I'm back up in the game ♪

♪ Running things to keep my swing ♪

♪ Letting all the people know ♪

♪ That I'm back to run the show ♪

♪ What you did, you know was wrong ♪

♪ And all the nasty things you've done ♪

♪ And I come back again ♪

[chuckles]

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ They said you'd turn your back on me ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ But you did, but you did  ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪

♪ Hey, I know ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Somebody know ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Hey, I know ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

[crowd cheering]

Oh! Oh!

[grunts] ♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

-Ooh.
-[music stops]

-Thank you so much. Thank you, Seth Rogen.
-[crowd cheering]

Thank you to everybody.

Post Malone, Craig Robinson.

Thank you all for coming.

Please, donate money.

Go to DonateHFC.com.

Thank you so much. Uh...

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

-Good night, everybody!
-[upbeat R&B playing]