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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:06,600 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 2 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:14,575 ♪ You must know ♪ ♪ the trouble that she's in ♪ 3 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:19,413 ♪ Wash her pretty face ♪ 4 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:23,351 ♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪ 5 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:30,224 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 6 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,695 ♪ You know ♪ 7 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,166 ♪ I wish God ♪ ♪ would bless America again ♪ 8 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,569 ♪ Like he did way back there ♪ 9 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,604 ♪ When it all began ♪ 10 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,273 ♪ He blessed her then ♪ 11 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,875 ♪ But we sort of ♪ ♪ took it for granted ♪ 12 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,810 ♪ And didn't ask again ♪ 13 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:53,080 ♪ So let's just kinda ♪ ♪ hold her hand now ♪ 14 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:54,782 ♪ That's all ♪ 15 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:57,385 ♪ In case she stumbles ♪ 16 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,489 ♪ Let's don't let her fall ♪ 17 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:04,825 Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen. 18 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:07,328 It's a big day in Niagara Falls, New York, 19 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,796 where the presidential motorcade 20 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,232 will pass by in a few moments. 21 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,202 The turnout is pretty much nonexistent, 22 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,036 which is rather surprising. 23 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:20,007 This is the first time a president has been here since 1901, 24 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:23,076 when William McKinley stopped by and was shot. 25 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:28,549 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 26 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:36,590 ♪ You must know ♪ ♪ the trouble that she's in ♪ 27 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:42,730 ♪ Wash her pretty face ♪ 28 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,699 ♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪ 29 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:52,240 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 30 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:59,247 ♪ I don't understand ♪ ♪ everything I read and hear ♪ 31 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,516 ♪ About what's wrong ♪ ♪ with America ♪ 32 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,952 ♪ When you don't have ♪ ♪ a lot of book learning ♪ 33 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:08,422 ♪ There's many things ♪ ♪ you don't understand ♪ 34 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,359 ♪ But I know this much ♪ 35 00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,894 ♪ She's like a mother to me ♪ 36 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,330 ♪ I love her ♪ ♪ with all my heart ♪ 37 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:20,133 ♪ And let me tell you this, ♪ ♪ Mister ♪ 38 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:24,272 ♪ Everything I am ♪ ♪ or ever hope to be ♪ 39 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,073 ♪ I owe to her ♪ 40 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,409 Topping the President's agenda today will be a speech 41 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,911 at the recently closed Hacker Defense Plant. 42 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:34,114 Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off 43 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,616 due to the end of the Cold War, 44 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,285 which rendered useless 45 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,387 the military supplies they produced there. 46 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,021 The public is being encouraged 47 00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,023 to not only and listen to the President's speech, 48 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,626 but also pick up on a bargain. 49 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,861 There are some good deals left on items 50 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,998 ranging from missiles to light armament. 51 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:55,035 One of those laid-off employees this morning had quite an altercation. 52 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:59,840 This ex-Hacker employee is trying to deface the image of R.J. Hacker, 53 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,542 the chairman of that company. 54 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,611 He got away before he could be apprehended. 55 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:11,519 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 56 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:19,327 ♪ You must know ♪ ♪ the trouble that she's in ♪ 57 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:25,098 ♪ Wash her pretty face ♪ 58 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,369 ♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪ 59 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:34,542 ♪ God bless America again ♪ 60 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:42,483 ♪ Oh, please ♪ ♪ God bless America again ♪ 61 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,505 Shit! 62 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,611 Meanwhile, in other news, 63 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,513 due to the record number of laid-off workers 64 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:48,015 jumping to their death in Niagara Falls, 65 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,851 the City Council has just approved an incentive program. 66 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:54,988 Sheriff's deputies who talk someone out of jumping will be getting $25. 67 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:58,125 If they go in to retrieve the body, they'll be getting $50. 68 00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:01,429 Jump! Jump! Jump! 69 00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,932 What'll this one make? 70 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,133 Uh… 71 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,768 The third one today. 72 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,771 Uh, ninth this week. 73 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,040 Man, are we racking up the grief bonus! 74 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:20,080 450 bucks, and the week's not over yet. 75 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,281 Stick with me, Honey. 76 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,083 Things keep going like this, 77 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,052 we'll make what we used to make at Hacker. 78 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,454 You know it. 79 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,460 What's this guy doing up there? 80 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,234 It's a free country. 81 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,638 He doesn't like it here, he can swim to Canada. 82 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,274 A lot of work there. 83 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,009 Shut up and look at this. 84 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,782 Hey, isn't that… It's our good friend, Roy Boy. 85 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,517 Jump! 86 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,552 No, no! He's wearing my good hat! 87 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,054 Let's help him out. Great. 88 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,992 Don't jump, Roy Boy, don't jump! Help is on the way! 89 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,100 Huh? 90 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,902 Nice shootin'! 91 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,570 All right! 92 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:17,805 Who did this? 93 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,774 Medic. 94 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,976 That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey. 95 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,012 God, I love you. 96 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:27,848 Just kidding. 97 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,686 I was kidding. 98 00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,927 Let me get this straight. 99 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,062 You shot me 100 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,165 because I didn't want to go on living? 101 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,567 Yeah. You want me to finish the job? 102 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,537 Relax, Honey. Roy Boy, would you please pipe down? 103 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:54,274 I was trying to make a statement about our plight. 104 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:57,277 At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor. 105 00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:59,112 Don't you mention my Uncle Jack. 106 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,114 You're thinking nepotism. 107 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,851 I took that test and passed it fair and square. 108 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,887 What about handing her a job? I'm your buddy. 109 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,689 Don't you mention Honey like that. 110 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,124 Look, you guys, 111 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:16,063 my life has been complete hell since Hacker laid me off. 112 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,364 We know how you feel. 113 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,733 We all feel the same way. 114 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,602 We've all made big changes in our life 115 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,103 since the plant closed down. 116 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,371 That's right. 117 00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,775 If life hands you a lemon, crush it into lemonade. 118 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,577 That's positive thinking. 119 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,712 Come on, smile. 120 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:35,616 ♪ Just what makes ♪ ♪ that little ol' ant ♪ 121 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:39,052 ♪ Think he'd move ♪ ♪ that rubber tree plant ♪ 122 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,622 ♪ Everyone knows an ant ♪ 123 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,690 ♪ Can't ♪ 124 00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,492 ♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪ 125 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,359 ♪ 'Cause he's got ♪ ♪ Roy Boy, sing! ♪ 126 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,161 ♪ High hopes ♪ 127 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,663 ♪ He's got ♪ 128 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,665 ♪ High hopes ♪ 129 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,701 ♪ He's got ♪ 130 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:58,038 ♪ High-apple-pie- ♪ ♪ in-the-sky hopes ♪ 131 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,008 ♪ So any time ♪ ♪ you're feelin' low ♪ 132 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,610 ♪ Instead of lettin' go ♪ 133 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:06,680 ♪ Just remember that ant ♪ 134 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,916 ♪ Woops, there goes ♪ ♪ another rubber tree ♪ 135 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:12,185 ♪ Woops, there goes ♪ ♪ another rubber tree ♪ 136 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:15,889 ♪ Woops, there goes ♪ ♪ another rubber tree plant ♪ 137 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,625 ♪ Ker-plop! ♪ 138 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,035 President here yet, Riley? 139 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,169 Officer Riley. 140 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,638 Oh, sure. Sorry. 141 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,641 You fellas need any backup here, Officer Riley? 142 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,775 I don't think so, Sheriff. 143 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,276 Okay. 144 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,646 You finding a lot of roadkill this year, Sheriff? 145 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,016 We get to keep what we find. 146 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,121 Forgive me. Where are my manners? 147 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,557 This is my woman deputy, Honey. 148 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,260 Honey's been a real asset since she got her parole. 149 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,398 Next, I have an unused, 150 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,000 air-delivered, chemical weapon. 151 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,870 Guaranteed death within three minutes. 152 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,005 What do I hear for this miracle of modern science? 153 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,940 Do I hear… 154 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,375 Spread 'em, or I'll blow your brains out. 155 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,311 Where the hell you guys been? 156 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,513 Pulling stiffs out of the Falls. 157 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,149 You promised I could pull the stiffs out this time. 158 00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:18,418 I need the money. 159 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:22,956 We never got the $50. We stopped Roy Boy from jumping off. 160 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,226 What? You're jumping off the Falls now? 161 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,627 I was making a statement. 162 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,429 Stop with the statement thing. 163 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,998 Get us a beer. 164 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,199 I do love an auction. 165 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,170 What do I hear for this beautiful, wire-guided, 166 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,006 uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing? 167 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:42,109 Who'll give me $1,000? 1,000, 1,000, 1,000? 168 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,310 $500, then. 169 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,045 Have $500 anyone? 170 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,446 $500, my ass. 171 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,315 Come on, ladies and gentlemen. 172 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:52,986 Built right here in Niagara Falls. You can own one. 173 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,121 You built it. You can own it now. 174 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:58,158 300, 300, 300, 4. 400, 400, 400, 400, 5. 175 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,728 Can we get out of here? 176 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,196 All these guns and white people are making me nervous. 177 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,298 Ease off with that "white people" stuff. 178 00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,166 You got me looking at 'em funny. 179 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:09,870 I've got 25, 26, 25, 26. 180 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,339 Sold! $25. 181 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,843 All right. Here you go. 182 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,344 Next, we have… 183 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,753 Pardon me. 184 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,855 Out of the way. Let me by. 185 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,490 Anyone! Could I have $100, please? 186 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,059 Give me that microphone. 187 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,762 I reckon all of you know me. 188 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:38,065 I'm R.J. Hacker, and I own Hacker Dynamics 189 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,167 and Hacker Aerospace, 190 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,234 Time-Hacker, 191 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,770 Hacker-Upjohn, 192 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:46,774 and a bunch of others I don't even remember, and you don't care. 193 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,642 You're upset because I closed this plant 194 00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,511 and put you out on the street. 195 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,882 Well, I want you to know I'm upset, too. 196 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:58,118 In fact, I get choked up thinking about it. 197 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402 Boo! Boo! 198 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,809 Shit. 199 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,512 Pill-popping freaks. Look at this trash. 200 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,114 Just garbage. Human garbage. 201 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,649 Look. That's what we get for kicking butt 202 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,852 in every goddamn corner of the world. 203 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:35,856 Why do we have to be here at these closings? 204 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,325 General, we're here to show the people that we care. 205 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,829 Let's put on a happy face, shall we? 206 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,832 Used to be that you had your Russian reds, 207 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:47,100 your Cuban red, Hollywood red. 208 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,236 Here a red, there a red, everywhere a red red. 209 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,872 E-I-E-I-O. 210 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,107 But it kept us on our toes. 211 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,444 We didn't know who to mistrust, 212 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,412 but we had to defend ourselves. 213 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,682 You had good jobs to put meat on the table. 214 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:06,086 But today we find ourselves being destroyed 215 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,687 not by the reds, 216 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:10,157 but by a bunch of shortsighted, 217 00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:11,859 bleeding-heart, 218 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,127 penny-pinching Washington wimps. 219 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,528 Who is this guy? 220 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,430 R.J. Hacker, sir. 221 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,665 How about some credit? 222 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:22,002 I'm the only president who hasn't gotten us into a war. 223 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,770 I think that's his point, sir. 224 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,338 You have yet to send our boys into battle. 225 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,440 Where? Nobody's bothering us. 226 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,877 Send them anywhere, sir. 227 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,245 Guaranteed 30-point boost in the polls. 228 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,914 Well, I'm not going to start a war 229 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,950 just to increase my popularity. 230 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,054 What can I do for 20 points? 231 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,190 …makes me want to commit acts I cannot utter in public. 232 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,293 Here he is now. 233 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,096 The man that a thin majority of you 234 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,665 chose to be President of the United States. 235 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,148 Stu. 236 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,417 Little hard on the leader 237 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,219 of the free world, don't you think? 238 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:15,455 It's just what he deserved. 239 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,325 This peace ain't all it's cracked up to be. 240 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:22,195 Especially if we keep laying off thousands of voters. 241 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,965 What would you suggest we do to keep these factories open? 242 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,936 Should I call up the Russians, 243 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:32,005 see if they want to get back into it? 244 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:36,176 Don't you get sarcastic with me, you little pissant! 245 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,311 You just had an idea that I liked! 246 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,147 I want you to follow up on it. 247 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:44,751 See to it that those Russkies get back in the Cold War mode. 248 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,956 If you don't, you'll go right back where I found you. 249 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,124 Now, don't make decisions. Just do it. 250 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,826 I want to thank you for that great welcome. 251 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:58,131 You provided the power to win the Cold War 252 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,100 for the United States of America. 253 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,071 If we could take what we spent on just one day of the Cold War, 254 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,507 we could put our children through school for the year. 255 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:11,111 Now's our chance to do it. 256 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:15,048 Time to turn off that war machine and turn on our children. 257 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,020 Turn… Turn on our children. 258 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,622 The time has come, fortunately, 259 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,993 for us to beat our swords into plowshares. 260 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,161 Excuse me. Do you work here? 261 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,496 You work here? 262 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,632 I want to get a copy of the speech. 263 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,534 A transcript or something? 264 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,668 And you are… 265 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,803 Oh, I'm sorry. 266 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,506 Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara County. 267 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,574 And your handle is? 268 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,909 What? Your name? Your name. 269 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:47,180 Stuart Smiley, the president's National Security Advisor. 270 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,084 Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to see. 271 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:55,022 Can you give us a deal at our sheriff's department? 272 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:57,257 We're looking for… What do you call them? 273 00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:01,394 The M-1640-millimeter grenade launchers. 274 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,363 Flash, fragmentation, 275 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:07,200 incendiary illumination, and smoke. 276 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,435 To go, please. 277 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:09,802 Are we putting on a play? 278 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,371 It's for civil disturbances only. 279 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,106 "How many times" 280 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,344 "must the cannonballs fly" 281 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,547 You tell us. 282 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:21,714 "Before they're forever banned?" 283 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,384 Ugh. 284 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,252 "The answer, my friend," 285 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,421 "is blowin' in the wind." 286 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,193 "The answer, my friend…" 287 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,533 Okay. I'm in command here. Stay calm. 288 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,535 Get off me! 289 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:43,803 The sheriff has the eagle covered. 290 00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,605 It's an honor to meet you. 291 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,475 I'm sorry I didn't vote for you. I had to stay home. 292 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,543 The cable installers said they'd come… 293 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,546 Get off me. Pardon? 294 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,847 Get off me! 295 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,116 I'm sorry. Sure. 296 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,086 Oh, God. 297 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,095 Good thing for you the President liked me. 298 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,762 Otherwise, you'd be in big trouble. 299 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,932 Right. You must be really important, Boomer. 300 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,634 You see Cops last night? 301 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,002 I wouldn't miss it. 302 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,737 They kept the camera running 303 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,006 while they were waling away on those guys. 304 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,742 Whack, whack, whack, whack! 305 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,413 Oh, it was awesome! Ooh! 306 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:27,880 You think we're ever gonna be on Cops? 307 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,482 Damn right we will. 308 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,952 Wait'll they see me throwing myself on that grenade. 309 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,887 You threw the President on the grenade. 310 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,723 Well, whatever. 311 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,326 Morning, Mr. President. 312 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:40,760 Morning, sir. 313 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,330 I have the results from the overnight tracking. 314 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:44,831 Care to hear the damage? 315 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:46,899 Yeah. I can take it. 316 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,135 It's good news, sir. 317 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,237 Immediately after the assassination attempt, 318 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,872 we got a 15-point boost in the national polls. 319 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,641 Okay. 320 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,244 They dropped off considerably 321 00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,379 once word got out that you were still alive. 322 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:03,150 But the initial massive gains the Dow Jones made 323 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,385 after the assassination bulletin 324 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,587 held for the entire business day. 325 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:08,955 That's good news. 326 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,158 According to this, rumors that you were 327 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:14,261 clinically dead for five minutes, and returned to life 328 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,563 boosted your rating with the religious right. 329 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,830 That's good. 330 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:22,369 But the voters felt that your being alive or dead 331 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,171 had no real bearing on their daily lives. 332 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,239 You can take that a couple of ways. 333 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,708 With all due respect, sir, 334 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,643 enjoy your single term. 335 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,613 You know, it's not fair. 336 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,782 Every other president had the Russians to blame for everything. 337 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,252 What have I got? 338 00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:43,356 It is really too bad that the Russians are no longer in the game. 339 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,426 They weren't much fun anyway. Never got to kill any. 340 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,529 But without them, you and your friends 341 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,963 would've had to get real jobs. 342 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,200 That isn't funny, Stu. Stu's got a point. 343 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,201 What point, sir? 344 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,702 You got a point, too. 345 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,705 My point is that Russia is in such shambles, 346 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,041 they couldn't sissy-slap us if they tried. 347 00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,844 Well, they still have all those missiles lying around. 348 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:05,978 20,473, to be exact. 349 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,680 Are you kidding? 350 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,282 One of their breakaway republics, Kazakhstan, 351 00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:13,220 is the third-ranking nuclear power in the world. 352 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,454 Are you kidding? 353 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,890 Most Americans don't know where Kazakhstan is. 354 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,492 My travel agent can't find it. 355 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,793 I can imagine why. 356 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,230 What do you want to do about Russia? 357 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:26,766 Let's find out who's in charge over there this week. 358 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:27,967 Vladimir Krushkin. 359 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,969 Vlad. I like him. That's good. 360 00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:33,573 Let's ask him to come over. We can have a summit thing. 361 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,876 Maybe we can work something out like before. 362 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,480 That's an excellent idea. Super idea, sir. 363 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:41,948 We got a contingency plan. 364 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,383 Good. We'll bring it right in. 365 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:44,584 Good, good. 366 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,279 Look at the treacherous bastards. 367 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,846 Once a commie, always a commie. 368 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,415 Pretend you're not here. 369 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,649 Shut up, peanuts. 370 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,218 All right. Be nice. This man's our only hope. 371 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,822 Mr. President, welcome to our summit. 372 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,223 You look great. 373 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,729 Let's eat. Good. Right this way. 374 00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:30,663 Have a good trip? 375 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,365 Wonderful. Truly wonderful. 376 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:33,533 Mm-hm. 377 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,937 Mmm. 378 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,818 Mmm. 379 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,856 Mr. President, we were wondering if, uh… 380 00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:59,125 If you and I, you know… 381 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,894 If we couldn't sort of get together and… 382 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,564 You know, mano y mano, and… 383 00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,566 And sort of work something out, 384 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,838 sort of mix it up the way we used to in the good old days. 385 00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,442 I don't mean a real war. 386 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,744 Just a little tension. 387 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:21,548 Sort of help people forget about things. 388 00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,752 Oh, Mr. President. 389 00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,019 Please! 390 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,021 Is this why you called us here? 391 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,991 We already gave up. You've won. 392 00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:36,363 We are too busy trying to perfect universal indoor plumbing. 393 00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:38,365 That's right. 394 00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,434 Indoor plumbing. Maybe even a little… 395 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:43,736 Central heating. 396 00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,873 A big Buick in every garage would be nice. 397 00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,377 A few cellular phones, compact discs, MTV… 398 00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,779 What is the name of that other channel? 399 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:54,714 VH-1. Yes! VH-1! 400 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,385 I'm so sorry, Mr. President. 401 00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:00,953 We can't go back to the old days. 402 00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:02,922 Please try and understand. 403 00:22:03,022 --> 00:22:03,956 Good day. 404 00:22:05,224 --> 00:22:06,426 It's a trick, Mr. President. 405 00:22:06,526 --> 00:22:07,627 Damn right. 406 00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:09,596 Can't we talk this over? 407 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,398 What is there to talk over? 408 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,965 You're in charge of the world now. 409 00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:14,401 Don't be a sore winner. 410 00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:17,303 I'm sure we could discuss this like civilized men. 411 00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:19,138 Civilized men? 412 00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:23,676 Is that what we've both been for the last 50 years? 413 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:27,814 Just a holy goddamn minute, your comradeship! 414 00:22:27,914 --> 00:22:29,716 You don't go throwing your weight around 415 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,851 for half a century, threatening the peaceful, 416 00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:35,321 freedom-loving western world, and decide one day 417 00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:37,724 you don't want to tug the rope no more. 418 00:22:37,824 --> 00:22:38,991 Do you? 419 00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:40,627 Mr. President, I'm so sorry for this. 420 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:42,028 Sorry for this? 421 00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:45,131 You made us spend trillions on submarines and missiles, 422 00:22:45,231 --> 00:22:47,800 and what did all this rubbish get us? 423 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:50,036 Bread lines and May Day parades! 424 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,874 Don't chicken out on us now! 425 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,544 We need you. I need you. 426 00:22:57,644 --> 00:22:59,646 You don't always get a second chance. 427 00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:01,781 Attaboy, Stu! 428 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,617 You can't do that! 429 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:05,752 Get off him! 430 00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,587 Get off him! 431 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:09,856 I'm very sorry, Mr. President. 432 00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:11,057 I'm very… All right. 433 00:23:11,157 --> 00:23:13,092 Get over there. Get over there. 434 00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:15,528 Sorry. I'm really, truly sorry. 435 00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:18,465 Maybe we could meet again. How about Geneva? 436 00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:22,168 We could meet at Geneva, sort of neutral territory. 437 00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:24,170 Goodbye, Mr. President. 438 00:23:25,037 --> 00:23:26,105 And good luck. 439 00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,111 Any more bright ideas? 440 00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:36,583 What are we going to do for an enemy now? 441 00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:38,485 Dead. 442 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,489 Dead. 443 00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:45,558 Dead. 444 00:23:47,794 --> 00:23:48,861 Dead. 445 00:23:48,961 --> 00:23:49,929 I miss anything? 446 00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:50,963 Nothing. 447 00:23:52,899 --> 00:23:54,501 Also dead. 448 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:55,535 They're all dead. 449 00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:57,236 You working from an old list? 450 00:23:57,336 --> 00:23:59,639 They're what we're looking for. 451 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:02,942 This guy, he's still alive. 452 00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,845 But he's down in Florida making license plates now. 453 00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:09,849 She's reformed. 454 00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:11,751 And looking good. 455 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:13,520 You know, we were thinking, 456 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,321 what could be a bigger threat 457 00:24:15,421 --> 00:24:17,590 than aliens invading from space? 458 00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:20,660 Whoo-boy! Scare the shit out of everyone. 459 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:21,994 Even me, sir. 460 00:24:22,094 --> 00:24:24,697 Is this the best you could come up with? 461 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:27,934 What about, you know, international terrorism? 462 00:24:28,034 --> 00:24:32,004 Sir, we're not going to reopen missile factories just to fight some creeps 463 00:24:32,104 --> 00:24:34,607 running around in exploding rental cars. 464 00:24:35,341 --> 00:24:36,543 Turn on the lights. 465 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:41,380 I'm sorry. I'm appalled. 466 00:24:41,548 --> 00:24:45,084 I'm surprised you left those killer bees off the list. 467 00:24:45,184 --> 00:24:46,553 How about… 468 00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:49,722 How about Canada? 469 00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:53,860 ♪ O Canada ♪ 470 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,565 ♪ Our home and native land ♪ 471 00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:02,401 ♪ True patriot love ♪ 472 00:25:02,569 --> 00:25:06,105 ♪ In all thy sons command… ♪ 473 00:25:08,775 --> 00:25:10,109 That's what I hate about coming here. 474 00:25:10,209 --> 00:25:11,911 You got to listen to that song. 475 00:25:12,011 --> 00:25:15,582 Check out the flag. What is that, a weed on there? 476 00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:17,984 Give me a break! Nice flag. 477 00:25:18,084 --> 00:25:20,286 Let's go! 478 00:25:20,386 --> 00:25:21,988 Let's go! Drop the puck! 479 00:25:22,088 --> 00:25:23,389 Let's go! 480 00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:25,491 Come on! Face off! 481 00:25:25,592 --> 00:25:28,595 ♪ O Canada ♪ 482 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:33,733 ♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪ 483 00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:35,501 Evening, ladies and gentlemen. 484 00:25:35,602 --> 00:25:37,003 Welcome to Hockey Night in Canada. 485 00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:39,806 Tonight the American team visits our Canadian champions, 486 00:25:39,906 --> 00:25:41,473 the Ontario Beavers. 487 00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:43,142 Please enjoy the game, and remember, 488 00:25:43,242 --> 00:25:45,978 no bad language and no littering. 489 00:25:46,078 --> 00:25:47,747 Here we go! 490 00:25:51,283 --> 00:25:53,620 Hey, Kabral, how come you never see 491 00:25:53,653 --> 00:25:55,688 any black guys playing hockey? 492 00:25:55,788 --> 00:26:00,627 Do you think it's easy to just gradually take over every professional sport? 493 00:26:01,794 --> 00:26:03,262 Let me tell you something, man, 494 00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:04,997 brothers are starting to figure out this ice thing. 495 00:26:06,633 --> 00:26:07,233 Hope you enjoyed it. 496 00:26:09,936 --> 00:26:12,538 These Canadians ain't got a care in the world. 497 00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:15,975 How about the way they cheat at the World Series? 498 00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,877 That's our game, people! 499 00:26:17,977 --> 00:26:19,311 That is true. 500 00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:23,015 And another thing. Their beer sucks. 501 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,006 Ew! 502 00:26:48,574 --> 00:26:51,678 Oh, boy! Look at that! 503 00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:52,945 That's footage never seen on TV. 504 00:26:55,381 --> 00:26:57,984 Yowsah! It's amazing. 505 00:26:59,551 --> 00:27:00,820 How did you know that was a nuclear facility? 506 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,222 They tricked us there. That's a hospital. 507 00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:06,292 But it's a hell of a strike. 508 00:27:06,392 --> 00:27:09,028 We've got technology we've never been able to use. 509 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:11,530 A riot between Americans and Canadians 510 00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:16,836 broke out last night at a hockey arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario. 511 00:27:16,936 --> 00:27:18,137 Police estimate at least 60 people, 512 00:27:18,237 --> 00:27:20,472 including an American sheriff, 513 00:27:20,572 --> 00:27:23,843 were detained overnight by Canadian authorities. 514 00:27:23,943 --> 00:27:25,712 I want to call the American Embassy. 515 00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:28,180 All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks." 516 00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:31,718 People! 517 00:27:31,751 --> 00:27:32,919 People! 518 00:27:34,921 --> 00:27:37,589 Can't we all just get along? 519 00:27:37,724 --> 00:27:39,726 Boy, these Canadians are violent. 520 00:27:47,767 --> 00:27:50,770 General, can I use your phone for a second? 521 00:27:50,870 --> 00:27:52,004 Sure. Go ahead. 522 00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:58,210 Yeah. Stu Smiley. Give me Central Intelligence. 523 00:28:00,112 --> 00:28:02,048 Yeah, Canada desk? 524 00:28:02,782 --> 00:28:03,783 Timmy. 525 00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:05,117 Hi, Stu. 526 00:28:05,217 --> 00:28:06,418 What's up, Bill? 527 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:08,420 How you doing, Stu? 528 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,922 Re-route the heroin through Cancun. 529 00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:11,157 Hold on a second. 530 00:28:11,257 --> 00:28:12,759 Yeah. Oliver Stone. 531 00:28:13,559 --> 00:28:15,928 There's Gus. 532 00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:19,131 What do you say, Stu? Long time no see, huh? 533 00:28:19,231 --> 00:28:21,467 It's like The Plaza in here. 534 00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:25,004 They've got me in a temporary place here, that's all. 535 00:28:25,104 --> 00:28:28,474 I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy 536 00:28:28,574 --> 00:28:30,376 to send advisors to Vietnam. 537 00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,011 You're damn right. 538 00:28:32,111 --> 00:28:35,982 The whole Vietnam war was my idea. Not ashamed of it one bit. 539 00:28:36,082 --> 00:28:38,250 If they had followed my advice and gone nuclear… 540 00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,686 I'm sure history will vindicate you. 541 00:28:40,787 --> 00:28:43,790 Would've wiped out the Koreans, too. 542 00:28:43,823 --> 00:28:47,493 Then we wouldn't be driving behind them shitty little compacts with no pickup. 543 00:28:47,593 --> 00:28:49,896 Those cars are built in South Korea. They're our Koreans. 544 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:51,998 Like I care! 545 00:28:52,098 --> 00:28:54,500 What have you got for me? Anything, something? 546 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,803 You mean Canada. Yeah. 547 00:28:56,903 --> 00:29:01,073 We can't talk here. Let's go for a walk. 548 00:29:01,173 --> 00:29:03,810 There a secretary hidden somewhere to hold your calls for you? 549 00:29:05,677 --> 00:29:08,414 Remember the big New York blackout? 550 00:29:08,514 --> 00:29:11,617 Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant, Niagara Falls. 551 00:29:11,717 --> 00:29:15,321 The canucks claimed that it was a faulty transmitter. 552 00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:19,826 We had reason to suspect otherwise. 553 00:29:19,892 --> 00:29:21,527 Why? What do you mean? 554 00:29:21,627 --> 00:29:26,098 These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. 555 00:29:26,198 --> 00:29:27,166 That's why they built this. 556 00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,035 Canadian National Tower, 557 00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:31,737 world's tallest freestanding structure. 558 00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:34,373 Our scientists can't figure out its purpose. 559 00:29:34,473 --> 00:29:36,042 I'll bet theirs can't either. 560 00:29:36,142 --> 00:29:38,577 Jesus. 561 00:29:38,677 --> 00:29:43,749 Canadians are always dreaming up a lot of ways to ruin our lives. 562 00:29:43,850 --> 00:29:47,920 The metric system, for the love of God! 563 00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:48,921 Celsius! 564 00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:50,489 Neil Young? 565 00:29:50,589 --> 00:29:52,424 By God, you're right, Gus. 566 00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:54,093 Of course! It was crazy of us 567 00:29:54,193 --> 00:29:55,928 to have been so blind for so long. 568 00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:58,230 We thought, they're just Canadians. 569 00:29:58,330 --> 00:30:00,900 They're practically the 51st state. 570 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:01,901 We admired them. 571 00:30:02,001 --> 00:30:04,536 Clean streets, no crime, no minorities. 572 00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:06,172 How'd they do that? 573 00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:07,940 No slavery. 574 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,075 God, they're smart. 575 00:30:09,175 --> 00:30:12,511 Their entire government is run by socialists. 576 00:30:12,611 --> 00:30:14,346 But it's not the real pinko stuff. 577 00:30:14,446 --> 00:30:16,849 No! That's where you're wrong. 578 00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:18,617 They've always had these tendencies. 579 00:30:18,717 --> 00:30:20,887 "Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms." 580 00:30:20,987 --> 00:30:22,054 What's this? 581 00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:25,424 We haven't been paying attention. 582 00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:28,460 We think that, oh, they're a little strange 583 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,396 with the socialized medicine stuff. 584 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:34,066 But do you know they provide free college to anyone? 585 00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:36,869 Free trains, free eyeglasses, 586 00:30:36,969 --> 00:30:38,337 free condoms? 587 00:30:38,437 --> 00:30:41,640 Jesus. Do your superiors know about this? 588 00:30:41,740 --> 00:30:44,510 Ah, those gutless desk mammals. 589 00:30:44,610 --> 00:30:48,047 Ever since I told them we'd finish the Bay of Pigs by 10:00, 590 00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:50,216 they've treated me like dirt. 591 00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:51,550 You've done a great job here. 592 00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:54,353 I'll make sure the President knows of your fine work. 593 00:30:54,453 --> 00:30:55,888 Like I care! 594 00:30:57,456 --> 00:31:00,059 Canada? Did you say Canada? 595 00:31:01,627 --> 00:31:04,263 The American people, Mr. Smiley, 596 00:31:06,465 --> 00:31:08,968 would never, ever buy this. 597 00:31:09,068 --> 00:31:11,670 Mr. President, the American people 598 00:31:11,770 --> 00:31:13,973 will buy whatever we tell them to. 599 00:31:14,506 --> 00:31:15,942 You know that. 600 00:31:16,042 --> 00:31:19,811 Aren't you overlooking one major obstacle, 601 00:31:19,946 --> 00:31:24,183 like how to get the average American to hate and fear Canadians? 602 00:31:24,283 --> 00:31:25,952 Hell, they're whiter than we are. 603 00:31:25,985 --> 00:31:28,955 Gentlemen, ladies, allow me to clue you 604 00:31:29,021 --> 00:31:31,123 to a few rude awakenings. 605 00:31:31,223 --> 00:31:34,961 For those that think Canada is a mom-and-pop operation, 606 00:31:35,027 --> 00:31:37,663 it's time to wake up and smell the snow. 607 00:31:37,763 --> 00:31:42,068 Fact: Canada's now the second-largest country in the world. 608 00:31:42,168 --> 00:31:46,638 Fact: Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us… 609 00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,174 Undetected. 610 00:31:50,542 --> 00:31:53,379 How many of you knew that they eliminated the Miss Canada contest? 611 00:31:53,479 --> 00:31:55,982 You're on to something here. 612 00:31:56,015 --> 00:31:59,718 Remember the Air Force C-130 that crashed mysteriously 613 00:31:59,818 --> 00:32:01,287 a few years ago? 614 00:32:01,387 --> 00:32:03,522 And that just happened to occur 615 00:32:03,622 --> 00:32:05,057 over Canada, Mr. President. 616 00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:08,494 My God. That's shocking. 617 00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:10,896 When did they get rid of Miss Canada? 618 00:32:10,997 --> 00:32:12,298 A year ago. 619 00:32:12,398 --> 00:32:16,102 Suppose something like that caught on down here. 620 00:32:16,202 --> 00:32:19,005 One week, Mr. President. Give me one week, 621 00:32:19,071 --> 00:32:21,773 and I'll have Americans burning maple leaves so fast, 622 00:32:21,873 --> 00:32:25,011 they won't have time to think about their smog-filled lungs, 623 00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:28,647 rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts. 624 00:32:34,853 --> 00:32:36,288 One week, sir. 625 00:32:46,865 --> 00:32:47,866 Good evening. 626 00:32:48,034 --> 00:32:50,469 Edwin S. Simon reporting. 627 00:32:50,569 --> 00:32:53,539 NBS News has obtained Pentagon documents 628 00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:56,042 that show our neighbor to the north, 629 00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:58,044 the sovereign nation of Canada, 630 00:32:58,077 --> 00:33:02,548 has embarked on a military program aimed at the United States. 631 00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:06,652 Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country, 632 00:33:06,752 --> 00:33:08,954 has, under a socialist majority, 633 00:33:09,055 --> 00:33:11,457 undertaken a massive military buildup 634 00:33:11,557 --> 00:33:14,260 on its border with the United States. 635 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:15,761 I don't like Canada. 636 00:33:15,861 --> 00:33:17,796 It's freezing cold. 637 00:33:17,896 --> 00:33:20,666 Canada owns more of the U.S. than any other country. 638 00:33:21,733 --> 00:33:23,369 The Canadians. 639 00:33:23,469 --> 00:33:25,204 They walk among us. 640 00:33:25,304 --> 00:33:26,838 William Shatner. 641 00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,474 Michael J. Fox. 642 00:33:28,574 --> 00:33:30,076 Monty Hall. 643 00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:31,510 Mike Myers. 644 00:33:31,610 --> 00:33:33,412 Alex Trebek. 645 00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:35,314 All of them Canadians. 646 00:33:35,414 --> 00:33:37,083 All of them here. 647 00:33:40,786 --> 00:33:43,122 Is Canadian prime minister Clark MacDonald 648 00:33:43,222 --> 00:33:45,157 a member of a satanic cult? 649 00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:48,794 Most of Canada's vast military technology 650 00:33:48,894 --> 00:33:53,199 has been built and supplied by the United States. 651 00:33:53,299 --> 00:33:55,834 The Canadian National Tower in Toronto, 652 00:33:55,934 --> 00:33:58,470 erected to transmit nuclear attack warnings 653 00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:00,839 from radar stations in northern Canada, 654 00:34:00,939 --> 00:34:03,875 is now solely in Canadian hands. 655 00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:07,213 It is the height of six American football fields, 656 00:34:07,313 --> 00:34:09,948 or five Canadian football fields. 657 00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:12,684 As if Canadian football really counts. 658 00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:15,887 What would be the psychological motivation 659 00:34:15,987 --> 00:34:20,326 to erect a huge, long, rigid shaft? 660 00:34:20,426 --> 00:34:23,262 First, there is no Canadian culture. 661 00:34:23,362 --> 00:34:26,798 I've never read any Canadian literature. 662 00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,500 And when have you heard anyone say, 663 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,970 "Honey, let's stay in and order some Canadian food?" 664 00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:35,441 Congress is also asking intelligence agencies 665 00:34:35,541 --> 00:34:38,910 to investigate why the Canadians maintain 666 00:34:39,010 --> 00:34:42,348 a threatening lead in Zamboni technology. 667 00:34:42,448 --> 00:34:47,586 Think of your children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf. 668 00:34:47,686 --> 00:34:50,222 Mayonnaise on everything. 669 00:34:50,322 --> 00:34:53,825 Winter, 11 months of the year. 670 00:34:54,693 --> 00:34:56,162 Anne Murray. 671 00:34:56,262 --> 00:34:57,663 All day. 672 00:34:57,763 --> 00:34:59,165 Every day. 673 00:35:02,634 --> 00:35:04,403 Holy shit. 674 00:35:06,372 --> 00:35:08,174 We're right on the border. 675 00:35:08,207 --> 00:35:09,508 We're the first line of defense. 676 00:35:10,809 --> 00:35:12,878 We have to get everyone organized. 677 00:35:12,978 --> 00:35:14,246 All right, people! 678 00:35:14,346 --> 00:35:17,183 Do not panic! I repeat, do not panic! 679 00:35:17,249 --> 00:35:18,717 I'm in complete control. 680 00:35:18,817 --> 00:35:21,653 Now, Honey, Kabral, Roy Boy, and myself, 681 00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,922 we'll guard the hydro plant. 682 00:35:24,022 --> 00:35:26,892 Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop. 683 00:35:26,992 --> 00:35:28,594 Dell, the bowling alley. 684 00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:33,665 The rest of you, guard this bar with your lives. 685 00:35:34,733 --> 00:35:36,202 Yeah. 686 00:35:36,235 --> 00:35:37,669 All right, people. 687 00:35:40,406 --> 00:35:42,073 Let's move out. 688 00:35:42,208 --> 00:35:45,611 ♪ Fighting soldiers ♪ ♪ from the sky ♪ 689 00:35:47,913 --> 00:35:49,648 ♪ Fearless men ♪ 690 00:35:49,748 --> 00:35:51,817 ♪ Who jump and die ♪ 691 00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:54,420 ♪ Men who mean ♪ 692 00:35:55,421 --> 00:35:57,323 ♪ Just what they say ♪ 693 00:35:58,590 --> 00:35:59,725 ♪ The brave men ♪ 694 00:36:01,126 --> 00:36:02,928 ♪ Of the green beret ♪ 695 00:36:04,430 --> 00:36:05,864 ♪ Silver wings ♪ 696 00:36:07,065 --> 00:36:08,667 ♪ Upon their chest ♪ 697 00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:11,537 ♪ These are men ♪ 698 00:36:12,538 --> 00:36:14,240 ♪ America's best ♪ 699 00:36:15,407 --> 00:36:16,908 ♪ 100 men ♪ 700 00:36:18,277 --> 00:36:19,845 ♪ Will test today ♪ 701 00:36:21,112 --> 00:36:22,714 ♪ But only three ♪ 702 00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:25,817 ♪ Win the green beret ♪ 703 00:36:26,852 --> 00:36:28,687 ♪ Put silver wings ♪ 704 00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:31,357 ♪ On my son's chest ♪ 705 00:36:32,958 --> 00:36:34,493 ♪ Make him one ♪ 706 00:36:35,594 --> 00:36:37,396 ♪ Of America's best ♪ 707 00:36:38,464 --> 00:36:39,731 ♪ He'll be a man ♪ 708 00:36:41,333 --> 00:36:43,269 ♪ They'll test one day ♪ 709 00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,272 ♪ Have him win ♪ 710 00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:48,740 ♪ The green beret ♪ 711 00:36:53,512 --> 00:36:54,946 Now, who would've thought? 712 00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:58,717 America against the scary Canadians. 713 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:01,820 Boy, I'm good. 714 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,889 I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 715 00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,293 Mmm! 716 00:37:08,594 --> 00:37:09,928 Mmm, Christ. 717 00:37:16,635 --> 00:37:18,904 The American public's attention span 718 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,072 is about as long as your dick. 719 00:37:21,172 --> 00:37:24,209 You have got to give Americans something real, 720 00:37:24,310 --> 00:37:25,877 something they can get their teeth into, 721 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:29,515 something that will make them cry, "Bloody murder!" 722 00:37:29,615 --> 00:37:33,752 Americans will not go to war, even a Cold War, 723 00:37:33,852 --> 00:37:38,324 unless they truly believe that their very lives are threatened. 724 00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:42,093 What do you have in mind? 725 00:37:42,193 --> 00:37:44,330 Back in the early 1960s, 726 00:37:44,363 --> 00:37:46,798 my old buddy Lyndon Johnson says, 727 00:37:46,898 --> 00:37:49,835 "Boys, why don't we just bomb one of our own ships" 728 00:37:49,935 --> 00:37:52,137 "and blame it on the North Vietnamese?" 729 00:37:52,237 --> 00:37:55,941 We did. We shelled a U.S. Navy ship 730 00:37:56,041 --> 00:37:57,476 in the Gulf of Tonkin. 731 00:37:57,576 --> 00:38:00,712 At least, that's what we told everybody. 732 00:38:00,812 --> 00:38:04,550 As far as I know, that damn boat was out in the middle of Lake Erie. 733 00:38:04,650 --> 00:38:05,817 But, 734 00:38:07,686 --> 00:38:11,723 24 hours later the U.S. Senate voted 98 to 2 735 00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:14,460 to send troops to Vietnam. 736 00:38:16,662 --> 00:38:17,829 That's an amazing story. 737 00:38:17,929 --> 00:38:21,667 That's the truth, and it can still work. 738 00:38:26,372 --> 00:38:28,106 Like maple syrup, 739 00:38:28,206 --> 00:38:32,644 Canada's evil oozes over the United States. 740 00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:35,981 How long will we remain silent to the screams? 741 00:38:36,948 --> 00:38:38,884 Oh, that is stunning. 742 00:38:40,386 --> 00:38:43,154 Everyone knows what it's like to get syrup on your fingers. 743 00:38:43,254 --> 00:38:45,457 This guy's ingenious. I mean… 744 00:38:45,557 --> 00:38:47,526 Mr. President, Canadian Prime Minister! 745 00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:51,597 Clark? 746 00:38:52,598 --> 00:38:54,400 How's Claire? 747 00:38:54,433 --> 00:38:56,902 You were just watching on NBS, really? 748 00:38:57,002 --> 00:38:58,470 I don't know what to think. 749 00:38:58,570 --> 00:39:02,240 Looks like you people are planning something nasty. 750 00:39:02,408 --> 00:39:03,809 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 751 00:39:03,909 --> 00:39:07,579 What? If you feel that way about it, goodbye. 752 00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,418 I like this. 753 00:39:12,484 --> 00:39:15,487 I think now may be the time to turn up the heat. 754 00:39:15,587 --> 00:39:17,055 What do you mean? 755 00:39:17,155 --> 00:39:19,124 Well, what if… I'm just spitballing here. 756 00:39:19,224 --> 00:39:20,291 That's okay. Go ahead. 757 00:39:20,426 --> 00:39:23,161 A Canadian hit squad, i.e., trained professionals, 758 00:39:23,261 --> 00:39:24,863 who looked like Canadians, 759 00:39:24,963 --> 00:39:29,501 were photographed sabotaging an important installation inside the U.S. 760 00:39:29,601 --> 00:39:31,537 Let's go there with a strike force, 761 00:39:31,637 --> 00:39:33,071 knock out their infrastructure 762 00:39:33,171 --> 00:39:35,507 quicker than you can say, "Collateral damage." 763 00:39:35,607 --> 00:39:36,708 No. No. 764 00:39:36,808 --> 00:39:38,043 Why not? Yeah, why not? 765 00:39:38,143 --> 00:39:41,480 A war with Canada would be over in days. 766 00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:42,848 Remember Grenada? 767 00:39:42,948 --> 00:39:44,115 They didn't even wake Reagan up. 768 00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:45,451 Didn't have to. 769 00:39:45,517 --> 00:39:48,954 All we found were rich American med school rejects 770 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:50,922 and a couple of Cuban construction workers. 771 00:39:51,022 --> 00:39:53,692 That's liberal bullshit. Cuba had a division in there. 772 00:39:53,792 --> 00:39:55,193 What about Panama? 773 00:39:55,293 --> 00:39:56,862 Right. Listen to this. 774 00:39:56,962 --> 00:40:00,365 A few days of blasting Def Leppard over loudspeakers, 775 00:40:00,466 --> 00:40:02,233 and Noriega ran out weeping. 776 00:40:02,468 --> 00:40:03,669 And Iraq? Ha! 777 00:40:03,769 --> 00:40:04,770 Ha. 778 00:40:04,870 --> 00:40:07,706 They were supposed to have this big, bad army. 779 00:40:07,806 --> 00:40:10,041 They had the biggest cannon, invented by a Canadian. 780 00:40:10,976 --> 00:40:12,644 72 hours after we invade, 781 00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:14,245 they're begging for a big Mac. 782 00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:16,381 They stopped us a hundred miles short of Baghdad. 783 00:40:16,482 --> 00:40:19,585 We just sat there waving our dicks at the desert. 784 00:40:20,819 --> 00:40:23,154 Mr. President, do you want more of that, 785 00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:25,924 or 50 years of Cold War prosperity 786 00:40:26,024 --> 00:40:28,860 because Joe Schmoe American is scared shitless 787 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,763 the world's going to end before the next commercial? 788 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,636 Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach. 789 00:40:37,736 --> 00:40:40,171 Oh! No, no. I really like it. 790 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:41,773 Here's what we're going to do. 791 00:40:41,873 --> 00:40:43,308 We'll get some Special Ops. 792 00:40:43,408 --> 00:40:45,276 We'll disguise them as Canadians 793 00:40:45,376 --> 00:40:47,579 and let them blow something up. 794 00:40:47,679 --> 00:40:49,314 But nothing valuable, okay? 795 00:40:49,414 --> 00:40:50,949 No casualties, all right? 796 00:40:51,049 --> 00:40:54,986 There will be no casualties, and Canada gets the blame. 797 00:41:09,735 --> 00:41:11,637 Come on. Step on the gas! 798 00:41:11,737 --> 00:41:13,404 Double time. Double time. 799 00:41:13,539 --> 00:41:17,576 We're just minutes away from blowing this hydro plant to kingdom come. 800 00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:19,545 Ha! I'm back! 801 00:41:37,563 --> 00:41:39,565 You got them down there? 802 00:41:44,435 --> 00:41:48,907 Wait till those SOBs back at Langley see this on the nightly news. 803 00:41:50,709 --> 00:41:52,611 Freeze! The both of you! 804 00:41:52,711 --> 00:41:55,313 Don't move. Don't anybody move. 805 00:41:55,413 --> 00:41:57,916 Honey, Canadians on the east wing. Bring the boys, quick! 806 00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,586 Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you? 807 00:42:02,220 --> 00:42:04,590 Get out! Go on! Look what we found! 808 00:42:04,623 --> 00:42:05,891 Get your hands up there. 809 00:42:05,991 --> 00:42:07,693 Come on! Hey, spread 'em! 810 00:42:07,793 --> 00:42:09,194 Come on. Spread 'em! Let's go! 811 00:42:09,294 --> 00:42:11,630 Under the articles of the Fifth Geneva Convention, 812 00:42:11,730 --> 00:42:13,732 and with the powers invested in me by… 813 00:42:13,832 --> 00:42:16,735 Would you please shut up? We're American! 814 00:42:16,835 --> 00:42:19,304 Who plays quarterback for the St. Louis Cardinals? 815 00:42:19,404 --> 00:42:20,839 I have no idea. 816 00:42:20,939 --> 00:42:22,974 There ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals! 817 00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,743 They moved to Phoenix! 818 00:42:24,843 --> 00:42:27,178 Wait. Give us another one. 819 00:42:27,278 --> 00:42:28,446 Sorry. Time's up! 820 00:42:28,614 --> 00:42:31,282 Cuff 'em! Frisk these canucks! 821 00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:36,021 Then call the CIA, the FBI, the DA, and the ASPCA, 822 00:42:36,121 --> 00:42:37,889 and call Channel 5. 823 00:42:37,989 --> 00:42:39,625 You're going to be on TV. 824 00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,429 The nation remains stunned today 825 00:42:44,529 --> 00:42:47,198 after the capture of secret Canadian agents 826 00:42:47,298 --> 00:42:50,702 who were attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant 827 00:42:50,802 --> 00:42:52,337 in Niagara Falls, New York. 828 00:42:52,437 --> 00:42:54,139 The Canadians were apprehended 829 00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:57,008 by Niagara Sheriff, Bud B. Boomer. 830 00:42:57,108 --> 00:42:58,043 Move! Move! Move! 831 00:42:58,143 --> 00:42:59,210 Right. 832 00:42:59,310 --> 00:43:01,212 Our correspondent, Charles Jackal, 833 00:43:01,312 --> 00:43:03,048 who is rejoining us 834 00:43:03,148 --> 00:43:04,716 after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, 835 00:43:04,816 --> 00:43:06,785 kicks off our team coverage. 836 00:43:06,885 --> 00:43:09,688 Chuck, it's great to have you back. 837 00:43:10,555 --> 00:43:11,990 And it's great to be back. 838 00:43:13,759 --> 00:43:16,728 I want to apologize for the hurt I may have caused that night 839 00:43:16,828 --> 00:43:18,329 to so many of you, 840 00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,299 especially those who were standing too close to the curb. 841 00:43:23,501 --> 00:43:24,302 You know who you are. 842 00:43:25,804 --> 00:43:26,872 Forgive me. 843 00:43:29,107 --> 00:43:31,743 Ed, it's a startling revelation. 844 00:43:31,843 --> 00:43:33,211 Canada, getting ready to invade, 845 00:43:33,311 --> 00:43:35,446 has amassed 90% of its population 846 00:43:35,546 --> 00:43:37,783 along its border with the United States. 847 00:43:37,883 --> 00:43:40,485 The longest unprotected border in the world, 848 00:43:40,585 --> 00:43:43,354 stretching from the Atlantic Ocean 849 00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:44,723 to that other one. 850 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,428 You'll be pleased to know, sir, 851 00:43:50,528 --> 00:43:52,330 that the Hacker Hellstorm 852 00:43:52,430 --> 00:43:55,834 was delivered to and installed in Toronto yesterday. 853 00:43:55,934 --> 00:43:57,836 Good work. Good work, boy. 854 00:43:58,937 --> 00:44:00,872 When I found you, 855 00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:02,841 I said to myself, 856 00:44:02,941 --> 00:44:06,011 "I can make something out of that sniveling little sneak." 857 00:44:06,111 --> 00:44:08,279 Yes, sir. 858 00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:12,117 Sir, what exactly is the Hacker Hellstorm? 859 00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:16,321 I'm just curious since I sold it and all. 860 00:44:17,756 --> 00:44:20,491 Well, that's fair enough, Stu. 861 00:44:20,591 --> 00:44:23,061 The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating weapon, 862 00:44:24,429 --> 00:44:26,431 a destabilizing weapon, 863 00:44:26,531 --> 00:44:29,000 and it is capable 864 00:44:29,100 --> 00:44:32,771 of launching all the missiles in the United States 865 00:44:32,871 --> 00:44:34,539 at once. Really? 866 00:44:34,639 --> 00:44:37,743 But the Canadians will never, ever use it. 867 00:44:37,843 --> 00:44:39,210 How can you be so sure? 868 00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:42,147 Because I didn't give them the operating codes. 869 00:44:44,215 --> 00:44:45,316 Really? 870 00:44:45,416 --> 00:44:47,185 They think it gives them an edge 871 00:44:47,285 --> 00:44:49,755 on high-tech weather forecasting. 872 00:44:50,756 --> 00:44:52,257 Uh-huh. 873 00:44:52,357 --> 00:44:56,795 So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes? 874 00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:00,398 Ah, Stuey. 875 00:45:05,603 --> 00:45:06,772 Honey! 876 00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:16,882 Honey! 877 00:45:20,351 --> 00:45:21,319 What the… 878 00:45:24,489 --> 00:45:25,857 Holy shit. 879 00:45:28,026 --> 00:45:29,327 What the hell? 880 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:36,802 Honey? Shh! 881 00:45:39,137 --> 00:45:40,872 Kabral. 882 00:45:40,972 --> 00:45:43,308 What does this look like to you? 883 00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:47,412 Got me. I never saw a white one that size. 884 00:45:47,512 --> 00:45:48,413 It's the Canadian National Tower. 885 00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,249 Maybe I better carry the guns. 886 00:45:51,349 --> 00:45:53,318 Where we going? 887 00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:55,320 Boomer's got a special mission for us. 888 00:45:55,420 --> 00:45:57,823 Says Canadians are too clean for their own good. 889 00:45:57,923 --> 00:45:59,557 We're crossing over. To Canada? 890 00:45:59,657 --> 00:46:01,492 Yep. We're going in tonight 891 00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,995 to kick some Canadian butt. 892 00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,097 Can we go to the Tower? 893 00:46:06,197 --> 00:46:07,866 No. I don't think so. 894 00:46:14,372 --> 00:46:15,540 Cut the engine. It's making too much noise. 895 00:46:19,544 --> 00:46:20,879 What did you say? 896 00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:22,347 We have to be very quiet. 897 00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,449 We're all going to have to paddle. 898 00:46:24,549 --> 00:46:26,451 Get those oars in the water. 899 00:46:26,551 --> 00:46:27,752 Go on. Put your back into it. 900 00:46:27,853 --> 00:46:30,221 Nice and easy. There you go. 901 00:46:34,692 --> 00:46:36,561 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada. 902 00:46:44,769 --> 00:46:46,471 This'll drive them crazy! 903 00:46:50,075 --> 00:46:53,578 There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada. 904 00:46:53,678 --> 00:46:55,446 Are you sure we're in Canada? 905 00:46:55,546 --> 00:46:57,115 Do you smell anything? 906 00:46:57,215 --> 00:46:59,150 No. Exactly. Canada! 907 00:47:01,319 --> 00:47:04,689 Hey, those look like my socks. That isn't garbage! 908 00:47:04,789 --> 00:47:07,325 That's my laundry. Roy Boy, you idiot! 909 00:47:07,425 --> 00:47:08,994 Pick this up! 910 00:47:09,094 --> 00:47:11,162 You stupid jerk, what are you doing? 911 00:47:11,262 --> 00:47:12,563 My good stuff. 912 00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:15,300 Hello, who goes there? 913 00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:16,567 Freeze! 914 00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:17,468 Johnny Canuck! 915 00:47:17,568 --> 00:47:20,371 Leave the park immediately 916 00:47:20,471 --> 00:47:21,472 and go back to where you came from. 917 00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:24,943 Scatter! Everybody back to the boat! 918 00:47:26,912 --> 00:47:30,448 Sir, you can't end your sentence with a preposition. 919 00:47:30,548 --> 00:47:31,416 Oh, really? 920 00:47:36,287 --> 00:47:38,156 Well, what would you say? 921 00:47:38,256 --> 00:47:40,658 Well, I guess I'd say either, 922 00:47:40,758 --> 00:47:42,327 "Go back from where you came," 923 00:47:42,427 --> 00:47:44,429 or the preferred Queen's English, 924 00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,264 "Go back, thee, from whence thou came." 925 00:47:49,667 --> 00:47:50,801 Oh, man, that was close. 926 00:47:50,936 --> 00:47:54,472 We were staring death right in its face! 927 00:47:57,542 --> 00:48:00,378 So, uh… Where's Honey? 928 00:48:08,519 --> 00:48:10,121 Oh, man, we forgot Honey! 929 00:48:11,756 --> 00:48:13,758 I left Honey behind! 930 00:48:13,858 --> 00:48:14,960 We left a man behind. 931 00:48:15,060 --> 00:48:17,828 Boomer left a man behind! 932 00:48:17,963 --> 00:48:20,098 The Marines never leave a man behind. 933 00:48:20,198 --> 00:48:21,967 Chuck Norris never left a man behind. 934 00:48:22,033 --> 00:48:24,502 Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind! 935 00:48:24,602 --> 00:48:25,971 She's all alone behind enemy lines. 936 00:48:26,004 --> 00:48:27,005 I got to think! 937 00:48:27,805 --> 00:48:30,208 She's going to be fine. 938 00:48:30,308 --> 00:48:31,042 She's a survivor. She's strong! 939 00:48:37,348 --> 00:48:38,683 Hope she doesn't kill anybody. 940 00:48:44,255 --> 00:48:47,058 We interrupt our regularly-scheduled program 941 00:48:47,158 --> 00:48:50,161 and go live to the President of the United States. 942 00:48:51,729 --> 00:48:55,200 We have just learned that the Canadian government 943 00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,836 is holding an American citizen hostage. 944 00:48:59,004 --> 00:49:03,074 I have communicated with the Canadian Prime Minister 945 00:49:03,174 --> 00:49:07,212 our demand that this hostage, this woman, 946 00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:12,617 uh, hostage Honey, must be released now! 947 00:49:12,717 --> 00:49:14,419 Oh, my God. Honey! 948 00:49:14,519 --> 00:49:15,886 To facilitate this, 949 00:49:16,021 --> 00:49:20,691 I've ordered our armed forces on alert, 950 00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:24,029 and I've ordered them to prepare to engage 951 00:49:24,129 --> 00:49:26,731 in Operation Canadian Bacon. 952 00:49:28,266 --> 00:49:32,103 And I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald, 953 00:49:32,203 --> 00:49:36,707 "Surrender her pronto, or we'll level Toronto." 954 00:49:38,876 --> 00:49:41,312 God bless America. 955 00:49:41,412 --> 00:49:42,947 God bless America. 956 00:49:43,048 --> 00:49:44,282 God bless you, Mr. President. 957 00:49:47,552 --> 00:49:48,619 Oh, Honey. 958 00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:51,556 ♪ And, honey, I miss you ♪ 959 00:49:53,891 --> 00:49:57,295 ♪ And I'm being good ♪ 960 00:49:59,797 --> 00:50:02,400 ♪ And I'd love ♪ ♪ to be with you ♪ 961 00:50:05,103 --> 00:50:07,572 ♪ If only I could ♪ 962 00:50:07,672 --> 00:50:13,444 This just got in. We have received amateur videotape of hostage Honey. 963 00:50:13,544 --> 00:50:14,812 Roy Boy, Kabral, quick! 964 00:50:14,912 --> 00:50:16,247 Huh? Honey! 965 00:50:16,347 --> 00:50:17,615 Boomer! 966 00:50:17,715 --> 00:50:20,085 Traitor! You Benedict Arnold! 967 00:50:20,185 --> 00:50:22,620 You took off and left me here… 968 00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:24,055 Oh, she's pissed. 969 00:50:25,123 --> 00:50:27,925 You think? 970 00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,594 I'll rip out every bone in your body! She's mad at you, Boomer. 971 00:50:29,694 --> 00:50:31,629 Boomer, you hear me? 972 00:50:31,729 --> 00:50:35,733 She is being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada. 973 00:50:35,833 --> 00:50:38,769 Sources in the intelligence community 974 00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:44,675 speculate that Canada may be preparing to terminate her, 975 00:50:44,775 --> 00:50:48,513 which would certainly be in keeping with what we know about the Canadians. 976 00:50:48,613 --> 00:50:49,847 Terminate? 977 00:50:49,947 --> 00:50:52,350 This is no less than an act of war. 978 00:50:52,450 --> 00:50:56,654 There's a time to think and a time to act, 979 00:50:56,754 --> 00:51:00,458 and this, gentlemen, is no time to think. 980 00:51:01,926 --> 00:51:04,429 We'll have one more round, and then we'll go. 981 00:51:04,529 --> 00:51:05,796 Chester! 982 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:07,132 Another round. 983 00:51:07,198 --> 00:51:09,667 Same thing. 984 00:51:09,767 --> 00:51:10,801 Gives Honey a chance to cool off a little bit. 985 00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:12,337 Yeah, we know. 986 00:51:12,803 --> 00:51:13,704 Yeah. 987 00:51:41,666 --> 00:51:43,668 Come on. Out of the way. 988 00:51:43,768 --> 00:51:45,470 There's not a locked door in the whole country. 989 00:51:45,570 --> 00:51:46,504 Let's go! 990 00:52:10,761 --> 00:52:13,264 I don't want to have to drop first blood, but I will if I have to! 991 00:52:13,364 --> 00:52:15,200 I mean it, I'll hurt you. 992 00:52:15,266 --> 00:52:18,102 Everybody down on the ground, and no one will be hurt! 993 00:52:18,203 --> 00:52:22,240 The elk, the beaver, and the moose are man's best friends. 994 00:52:23,674 --> 00:52:25,210 All right, Pops, 995 00:52:25,876 --> 00:52:27,678 who's in charge? 996 00:52:27,778 --> 00:52:30,448 Just the two of us, just Ruthie and me. 997 00:52:30,548 --> 00:52:32,517 No other personnel in the whole building? 998 00:52:32,617 --> 00:52:34,585 No. We're the night shift. 999 00:52:34,685 --> 00:52:36,521 Excuse me, ma'am, 1000 00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,756 there's not another control room? 1001 00:52:38,856 --> 00:52:40,225 No, dear, this is it. 1002 00:52:40,891 --> 00:52:41,992 Thank you. 1003 00:52:42,092 --> 00:52:45,230 Boomer, maybe we better just go, huh? 1004 00:52:45,263 --> 00:52:46,664 Stand your ground, soldier! 1005 00:52:46,764 --> 00:52:48,233 Oh, brother. 1006 00:52:48,333 --> 00:52:50,668 Now, let me get this straight. 1007 00:52:50,768 --> 00:52:54,239 You're telling me that you two are responsible 1008 00:52:54,339 --> 00:52:57,808 for supplying all the electricity to your entire nation? 1009 00:52:57,908 --> 00:52:59,544 That's about the size of it. 1010 00:52:59,644 --> 00:53:02,046 Oh, Dad. 1011 00:53:02,146 --> 00:53:03,848 Does he ever like to brag. 1012 00:53:05,783 --> 00:53:07,285 Put those needles down, 1013 00:53:07,385 --> 00:53:09,254 nice and easy, where I can see them. 1014 00:53:09,687 --> 00:53:10,988 Spread out! 1015 00:53:11,088 --> 00:53:13,724 Find the power source for the Mountie Headquarters. 1016 00:53:19,597 --> 00:53:22,800 I'm going to ask you one more time. 1017 00:53:22,900 --> 00:53:24,969 Where is the power switch 1018 00:53:25,069 --> 00:53:27,905 to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters? 1019 00:53:28,005 --> 00:53:30,675 You're going to tell me sooner or later. 1020 00:53:30,775 --> 00:53:33,110 Now, we can do it my way, 1021 00:53:33,278 --> 00:53:35,079 which is very nice right now, 1022 00:53:35,179 --> 00:53:37,282 or we can do it their way, 1023 00:53:37,382 --> 00:53:39,284 which you're not going to like. 1024 00:53:55,165 --> 00:53:59,637 You Canadians are so sneaky. 1025 00:53:59,737 --> 00:54:03,374 Don't touch that. You'll black out most of Canada! 1026 00:54:04,809 --> 00:54:06,076 Yeah, right. 1027 00:54:06,176 --> 00:54:08,413 What do we look like, jerks? 1028 00:54:08,513 --> 00:54:09,447 Please! 1029 00:54:10,448 --> 00:54:11,682 You screwed up now. 1030 00:54:11,782 --> 00:54:13,318 I'll be the judge of that! 1031 00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:22,226 All right. Let's move out. 1032 00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:25,162 And you, don't tell anybody we was here. 1033 00:54:25,363 --> 00:54:26,364 Come on! 1034 00:54:29,700 --> 00:54:32,337 You know, I could get to like this. 1035 00:54:32,437 --> 00:54:33,371 Really? 1036 00:54:38,042 --> 00:54:39,977 On these screens here, Mr. President. 1037 00:54:41,078 --> 00:54:42,347 What is this? What's happening? 1038 00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:44,482 All of Canada is going dark, sir. 1039 00:54:44,582 --> 00:54:46,484 What do you make of this? 1040 00:54:46,584 --> 00:54:48,886 I'll tell you, but you'll dislike it. 1041 00:54:48,986 --> 00:54:50,555 Mr. President, Prime Minister MacDonald, 1042 00:54:50,655 --> 00:54:51,756 calling from Ottawa. 1043 00:54:51,856 --> 00:54:52,823 Yes… 1044 00:54:54,825 --> 00:54:56,361 Clark, hi. 1045 00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:00,598 Now, why would we want to cut off your power? 1046 00:55:02,066 --> 00:55:03,601 No. What… Calm down. 1047 00:55:04,435 --> 00:55:06,236 Calm… 1048 00:55:06,371 --> 00:55:09,940 No. If we were up to something, we would have mined your harbors. 1049 00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:11,075 Damn right. 1050 00:55:12,009 --> 00:55:13,644 What? Who? 1051 00:55:16,447 --> 00:55:18,015 Yeah, I see. Yeah. 1052 00:55:18,115 --> 00:55:21,018 We'll check this out, and we'll get back to you. 1053 00:55:21,118 --> 00:55:22,219 Goodbye! 1054 00:55:22,387 --> 00:55:24,154 You're not going to believe this. 1055 00:55:24,254 --> 00:55:27,425 That same goddamned sheriff from Niagara Falls, 1056 00:55:27,525 --> 00:55:29,460 that hero… 1057 00:55:30,027 --> 00:55:31,996 Bud Boomer. 1058 00:55:32,096 --> 00:55:34,131 He's the one responsible for the blackout. 1059 00:55:34,231 --> 00:55:36,401 Boomer? Oh, sir. That's bullshit! 1060 00:55:36,434 --> 00:55:38,803 This is a Canadian trick. 1061 00:55:38,903 --> 00:55:41,939 Blame us, get world sympathy, and make it impossible 1062 00:55:42,039 --> 00:55:44,409 for our night-attack bombers to locate their cities 1063 00:55:44,509 --> 00:55:46,110 and destroy their inhabitants. 1064 00:55:46,210 --> 00:55:48,846 God, sir, that's the oldest trick in the book! 1065 00:56:00,290 --> 00:56:03,661 "Thank you for sleeping so quietly." 1066 00:56:05,430 --> 00:56:06,764 "I love you." 1067 00:56:09,534 --> 00:56:11,436 "Even though you're a criminal." 1068 00:56:15,873 --> 00:56:18,776 "Thank you for keeping your cell clean." 1069 00:56:20,678 --> 00:56:22,112 "I" 1070 00:56:22,212 --> 00:56:23,548 "miss you." 1071 00:56:27,852 --> 00:56:29,086 Welcome to Canada. 1072 00:56:29,186 --> 00:56:31,456 Hold it right there, canuck. 1073 00:56:32,322 --> 00:56:33,458 Who are you? 1074 00:56:34,759 --> 00:56:36,861 I'm your worst nightmare. 1075 00:56:36,961 --> 00:56:39,830 I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms. 1076 00:56:41,699 --> 00:56:43,668 Take the pelts. Take whatever you want. 1077 00:56:43,768 --> 00:56:46,336 We don't want your stinking pelts. 1078 00:56:46,471 --> 00:56:48,839 Have some fudge. Just leave me alone. 1079 00:56:48,939 --> 00:56:50,541 Didn't you hear him? 1080 00:56:50,641 --> 00:56:51,942 We're your worst nightmare. 1081 00:56:53,811 --> 00:56:58,516 My worst nightmare involved a pack of rabid wolves. 1082 00:56:58,616 --> 00:57:01,051 I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon, 1083 00:57:01,151 --> 00:57:03,788 and there were tall, skinny rabbits, 1084 00:57:03,888 --> 00:57:05,690 and they were drinking heavily. 1085 00:57:06,924 --> 00:57:08,693 Just shut up! 1086 00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:11,228 We want your prisoner. Where is she? 1087 00:57:11,328 --> 00:57:13,163 I don't know what you're talking aboot, eh. 1088 00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:16,066 "Aboot?" It's "about!" 1089 00:57:16,166 --> 00:57:17,768 What we're talking about! 1090 00:57:17,868 --> 00:57:19,570 And enough of that "eh" business. 1091 00:57:19,670 --> 00:57:22,072 Learn to talk right, understand? 1092 00:57:22,172 --> 00:57:24,742 We got ways of making you pronounce the letter "o." 1093 00:57:24,842 --> 00:57:26,644 I want my Honey! 1094 00:57:26,744 --> 00:57:28,345 Now, get the keys for the cells now. 1095 00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:29,547 Now! 1096 00:57:30,014 --> 00:57:31,015 Easy. 1097 00:57:31,115 --> 00:57:32,917 Easy. 1098 00:57:33,017 --> 00:57:34,151 Okay, Mr. Canuck. 1099 00:57:35,252 --> 00:57:37,154 Mr. Two-time World Series winner. 1100 00:57:37,254 --> 00:57:38,856 Hey, watch that fancy move! 1101 00:57:40,725 --> 00:57:43,528 See? This is all the prisoners we have. 1102 00:57:43,594 --> 00:57:48,766 This man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank. 1103 00:57:48,866 --> 00:57:50,668 Where do you think you're going? 1104 00:57:50,768 --> 00:57:53,270 I'm going over to show you the next guy. 1105 00:57:53,370 --> 00:57:55,640 Easy. One step at a time. 1106 00:57:55,740 --> 00:57:59,877 This man was arrested for being in too many bad moods. 1107 00:58:02,947 --> 00:58:06,617 I got you covered. I got you covered. I got you covered, buddy. 1108 00:58:06,717 --> 00:58:10,287 This man raided a company, merged it with his conglomerate, 1109 00:58:10,387 --> 00:58:12,322 and then fired all the employees. 1110 00:58:12,422 --> 00:58:13,858 Get away from the bars, you scum! 1111 00:58:13,958 --> 00:58:15,025 Boomer! 1112 00:58:15,125 --> 00:58:16,260 Hold on, Jack. 1113 00:58:18,262 --> 00:58:20,698 Now, you tell us where Honey is. 1114 00:58:20,798 --> 00:58:22,667 Let me paint a picture for you, buddy. 1115 00:58:22,767 --> 00:58:25,102 She's petite, extremely beautiful, 1116 00:58:25,936 --> 00:58:28,238 and heavily armed. 1117 00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,407 Wait. You mean the litterbug. 1118 00:58:30,575 --> 00:58:32,042 They took her to the capital 1119 00:58:32,142 --> 00:58:35,412 to give her a free mental health examination. 1120 00:58:35,580 --> 00:58:37,982 Good. The capital, Toronto. 1121 00:58:38,082 --> 00:58:41,719 No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa. 1122 00:58:44,755 --> 00:58:45,856 Yeah, right. 1123 00:58:47,124 --> 00:58:48,593 Do we look that stupid? 1124 00:58:53,097 --> 00:58:54,031 Ottawa! 1125 00:58:55,432 --> 00:58:57,067 Nice try, Dudley. 1126 00:58:57,167 --> 00:58:59,870 All right, boys! We're going to Toronto. 1127 00:59:01,739 --> 00:59:02,807 The capital. 1128 00:59:10,848 --> 00:59:12,282 Do you want some water? 1129 00:59:13,083 --> 00:59:14,251 Mmm-hmm. 1130 00:59:15,419 --> 00:59:16,320 Too bad. 1131 00:59:17,655 --> 00:59:18,789 Gentlemen. 1132 00:59:21,125 --> 00:59:23,628 Let's take the truck. 1133 00:59:26,764 --> 00:59:27,698 Let's go! 1134 00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,836 Hey, Boomer? 1135 00:59:33,203 --> 00:59:34,972 Yeah? What's wrong? 1136 00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:36,641 I got an idea. 1137 00:59:37,708 --> 00:59:38,776 Oh, yeah. 1138 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:41,111 Oh, yeah. 1139 00:59:41,211 --> 00:59:44,248 Mr. President, I think we should look on the positive side. 1140 00:59:44,348 --> 00:59:47,785 What we have is a brave but misguided group of Americans 1141 00:59:47,885 --> 00:59:51,155 who've gone into Canada and kicked some serious Canadian butt. 1142 00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:52,489 Well, we've got to do something. 1143 00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:56,861 We could send in the Omega Force. 1144 01:00:01,866 --> 01:00:03,167 Isn't that a bit drastic? 1145 01:00:05,502 --> 01:00:10,340 Sir, the Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725 1146 01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:14,211 both specifically prohibit the use of Omega Force against Caucasians. 1147 01:00:14,311 --> 01:00:16,046 That's right. 1148 01:00:16,146 --> 01:00:19,183 I guess if I were the President's male secretary, 1149 01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:23,087 I might read the Helms Amendment that way. 1150 01:00:23,187 --> 01:00:25,255 What choice do we have, sir? 1151 01:00:25,355 --> 01:00:28,225 We have to take this sheriff out immediately 1152 01:00:28,325 --> 01:00:30,560 before this turns into a shooting war 1153 01:00:30,661 --> 01:00:33,698 instead of the Cold War that we wanted. 1154 01:00:34,765 --> 01:00:36,801 Mr. President. Hey! Hey! 1155 01:00:36,901 --> 01:00:39,670 Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol 1156 01:00:39,770 --> 01:00:43,040 at a time when our people lack true heroes, 1157 01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:44,775 yourself excluded, sir. 1158 01:00:44,875 --> 01:00:47,111 It would seem wise not to lose him. 1159 01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:49,179 General, the President should see this, sir. 1160 01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:53,784 Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage Honey, 1161 01:00:53,884 --> 01:00:56,653 and inspired by their hero Bud Boomer, 1162 01:00:56,754 --> 01:00:58,588 U.S. citizens from coast to coast 1163 01:00:58,689 --> 01:01:01,558 are taking actions against Americans of Canadian birth 1164 01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:04,862 and suspected Canadian sympathizers. 1165 01:01:04,962 --> 01:01:06,897 Some Americans in other border towns 1166 01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:09,800 have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada 1167 01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:12,269 with the hope of liberating that country. 1168 01:01:14,038 --> 01:01:16,974 Everything I see or read about these Canadians 1169 01:01:17,074 --> 01:01:19,176 just makes me want to puke! 1170 01:01:19,276 --> 01:01:20,410 U.S.A. U.S.A. 1171 01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:23,313 It's time we put America back in North America. 1172 01:01:23,413 --> 01:01:26,050 God bless Bud Boomer! 1173 01:01:26,150 --> 01:01:28,018 U.S.A. U.S.A. 1174 01:01:28,118 --> 01:01:29,854 Oh, Christ. 1175 01:01:29,954 --> 01:01:33,357 Mr. President, I believe we have no choice 1176 01:01:33,457 --> 01:01:36,761 but to remove Bud Boomer judiciously. 1177 01:01:40,564 --> 01:01:41,766 Now. 1178 01:01:45,102 --> 01:01:46,904 Well, it's an idea. 1179 01:01:50,640 --> 01:01:52,242 Send in Omega Force! 1180 01:02:15,866 --> 01:02:19,269 ♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪ ♪ and fly away… ♪ 1181 01:02:24,809 --> 01:02:25,943 Go fish. 1182 01:02:35,052 --> 01:02:36,286 Welcome to Canada. 1183 01:02:37,054 --> 01:02:38,322 Who are you? 1184 01:02:41,091 --> 01:02:42,993 That was totally unnecessary. 1185 01:02:46,730 --> 01:02:48,032 Where is Boomer? 1186 01:02:49,333 --> 01:02:51,368 I had an amazing hand. 1187 01:02:51,468 --> 01:02:52,302 Where is he? 1188 01:02:55,372 --> 01:02:56,340 Toronto. 1189 01:03:04,248 --> 01:03:07,417 We're coming, Honey. We're coming. 1190 01:03:07,517 --> 01:03:09,854 Hey, Boomer, how come you never let me drive, man? 1191 01:03:12,890 --> 01:03:14,658 Just don't start with me, all right? 1192 01:03:14,758 --> 01:03:17,027 The black cat never gets to drive. 1193 01:03:17,127 --> 01:03:18,495 It's not because you're black. 1194 01:03:18,595 --> 01:03:20,530 Lots of black guys drive all the time. 1195 01:03:20,630 --> 01:03:22,499 For example. 1196 01:03:22,599 --> 01:03:23,868 What's his name? Danny Glover 1197 01:03:23,901 --> 01:03:25,936 in Driving Miss… What's her name? 1198 01:03:26,036 --> 01:03:28,105 Danny Glover didn't drive Miss Daisy. 1199 01:03:28,205 --> 01:03:30,407 He drove Mel Gibson. 1200 01:03:30,507 --> 01:03:31,909 He didn't drive Mel Gibson. 1201 01:03:32,009 --> 01:03:33,878 That's Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson. 1202 01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:35,612 Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte. 1203 01:03:35,712 --> 01:03:36,881 He does not. 1204 01:03:36,981 --> 01:03:40,084 Hey, guys, I drove once. 1205 01:03:42,319 --> 01:03:43,353 Oh, jeez. 1206 01:03:43,453 --> 01:03:44,554 Oh, jeez. 1207 01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,923 Oh, jeez. 1208 01:03:46,991 --> 01:03:48,926 Maybe it's not us. 1209 01:03:49,026 --> 01:03:50,494 It's not us. 1210 01:03:50,594 --> 01:03:52,396 Pull over! Pull over! 1211 01:03:52,496 --> 01:03:55,099 It's us. He wants us. All right. 1212 01:03:55,900 --> 01:03:56,967 We're pulling over. 1213 01:04:02,106 --> 01:04:06,143 All right, fellas. Just act normal, all right? Act normal. 1214 01:04:07,912 --> 01:04:10,247 Not normal for us. Normal for regular people. 1215 01:04:16,086 --> 01:04:17,121 Good day. 1216 01:04:17,221 --> 01:04:18,322 Hi. 1217 01:04:18,422 --> 01:04:20,490 May I see your license and registration, please? 1218 01:04:22,092 --> 01:04:23,127 There you go. 1219 01:04:23,227 --> 01:04:24,261 Thank you. 1220 01:04:24,995 --> 01:04:26,296 Oh, Americans! 1221 01:04:26,396 --> 01:04:28,598 Welcome to Ontario, a sportsman's paradise. 1222 01:04:28,698 --> 01:04:30,334 Isn't it, though? 1223 01:04:30,434 --> 01:04:33,337 Please get out and step away from the vehicle. 1224 01:04:43,313 --> 01:04:44,949 Okay. 1225 01:04:44,982 --> 01:04:46,583 What is wrong with this picture? 1226 01:04:46,683 --> 01:04:47,952 Um… 1227 01:04:48,452 --> 01:04:49,619 Uh… 1228 01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:51,956 No snow tires. No. 1229 01:04:52,056 --> 01:04:54,959 I was driving on the wrong side of the road. 1230 01:04:54,992 --> 01:04:57,427 I can explain that. I am not used to your rules up here. 1231 01:04:57,527 --> 01:04:59,663 That's not it. 1232 01:04:59,763 --> 01:05:02,499 This writing on the side of your vehicle. 1233 01:05:02,599 --> 01:05:05,069 Oh! How did that get there? 1234 01:05:05,169 --> 01:05:07,471 Those kids at the garage, I just… 1235 01:05:07,571 --> 01:05:09,339 Whatever. 1236 01:05:09,439 --> 01:05:12,376 My concern is the sensibilities of a certain distinct 1237 01:05:12,476 --> 01:05:14,979 and viable part of Canadian society. 1238 01:05:15,079 --> 01:05:16,213 Les Quebecois. 1239 01:05:16,313 --> 01:05:17,347 Huh? 1240 01:05:17,447 --> 01:05:19,516 You know, wine drinkers. 1241 01:05:19,616 --> 01:05:21,986 Pea-soup eaters. French Canadians. 1242 01:05:22,052 --> 01:05:24,221 Oh, yeah. Those guys. Sure. 1243 01:05:24,321 --> 01:05:25,689 If you wish to avoid prosecution, 1244 01:05:25,789 --> 01:05:29,059 I'd advise that you comply with our language laws, 1245 01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:31,695 which specifically prescribe 1246 01:05:31,795 --> 01:05:35,865 that all signs be in both English and French, 1247 01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,603 Canada's two official languages. Okay. 1248 01:05:39,703 --> 01:05:41,005 I do have to fine you. 1249 01:05:41,071 --> 01:05:45,109 That'll be $1,000 Canadian or $10 American if you'd prefer. 1250 01:05:45,209 --> 01:05:49,013 Oh! No. I'll pay the American there. Yeah. 1251 01:05:49,079 --> 01:05:50,214 There you go, buddy. 1252 01:05:50,914 --> 01:05:52,116 Here you are, $10. 1253 01:05:52,216 --> 01:05:53,750 Thank you very much. There's your receipt. 1254 01:05:53,850 --> 01:05:55,052 Thank you. 1255 01:05:55,152 --> 01:05:56,286 And now… 1256 01:05:59,623 --> 01:06:01,425 In French, if you please. 1257 01:06:19,876 --> 01:06:24,248 Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall, please pick up line five. 1258 01:06:27,351 --> 01:06:32,356 All doctors participating in today's house calls, please report to the lobby. 1259 01:06:34,424 --> 01:06:35,559 "Get well soon" 1260 01:06:35,659 --> 01:06:37,794 "from Prime Minister Clark MacDonald." 1261 01:06:37,894 --> 01:06:40,164 Anyone in need of a free triple bypass, 1262 01:06:40,264 --> 01:06:42,366 please sign the bonus slip in your room. 1263 01:06:42,466 --> 01:06:45,202 "Get well, get well, feel good." 1264 01:06:45,302 --> 01:06:46,270 This is… 1265 01:06:49,173 --> 01:06:51,875 "Best wishes, Gordon Lightfoot." 1266 01:06:52,076 --> 01:06:53,110 Ew! 1267 01:06:54,678 --> 01:06:55,679 Ottawa! 1268 01:06:55,779 --> 01:06:56,646 Go, Fifi! 1269 01:06:59,149 --> 01:07:00,817 So, we're up and around, are we? 1270 01:07:00,917 --> 01:07:04,088 And how are we feeling today? 1271 01:07:04,121 --> 01:07:06,423 Aren't you two a little young to be doctors? 1272 01:07:06,523 --> 01:07:09,093 Oh, we're not doctors. We're candy stripers. 1273 01:07:09,193 --> 01:07:10,794 Our universal health care system 1274 01:07:10,894 --> 01:07:13,330 has determined that you don't actually need a doctor until… 1275 01:07:13,430 --> 01:07:15,299 2006. 1276 01:07:15,399 --> 01:07:16,866 Until then, we're here to see 1277 01:07:16,966 --> 01:07:19,136 that you're comfortable and to give you, uh… 1278 01:07:20,003 --> 01:07:22,139 A kidney transplant. 1279 01:07:22,239 --> 01:07:24,541 No, that can't be right. 1280 01:07:24,641 --> 01:07:25,675 Check the paperwork. 1281 01:07:25,775 --> 01:07:26,910 Ow! 1282 01:07:27,111 --> 01:07:28,412 Oh! Oh! 1283 01:07:29,146 --> 01:07:30,447 Oh, Douglas! 1284 01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:31,515 ♪ Born ♪ 1285 01:07:31,615 --> 01:07:33,117 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1286 01:07:33,150 --> 01:07:34,151 ♪ I was ♪ 1287 01:07:34,251 --> 01:07:37,254 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1288 01:07:37,354 --> 01:07:38,288 ♪ I was ♪ 1289 01:07:38,388 --> 01:07:40,690 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1290 01:07:40,790 --> 01:07:41,858 ♪ I was ♪ 1291 01:07:41,958 --> 01:07:43,827 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1292 01:07:43,927 --> 01:07:45,028 ♪ I was ♪ 1293 01:07:45,129 --> 01:07:47,797 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1294 01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:52,636 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪ 1295 01:07:52,736 --> 01:07:54,738 ♪ Dah, dah ♪ 1296 01:07:54,838 --> 01:07:56,773 ♪ Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A. ♪ 1297 01:08:03,880 --> 01:08:05,349 If you catch a cold, 1298 01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,951 there's some aspirin in the cabinet. 1299 01:08:08,051 --> 01:08:11,155 And thanks for hanging on to my American-made assault weapons. 1300 01:08:16,460 --> 01:08:19,629 Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B. 1301 01:08:19,729 --> 01:08:20,664 Give me that. 1302 01:08:20,764 --> 01:08:24,968 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1303 01:08:25,068 --> 01:08:28,705 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1304 01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:30,607 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1305 01:08:35,745 --> 01:08:36,813 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1306 01:08:36,913 --> 01:08:38,648 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1307 01:08:38,748 --> 01:08:40,350 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1308 01:08:40,450 --> 01:08:43,253 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1309 01:08:59,969 --> 01:09:01,871 Hey, it's okay. 1310 01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:03,307 It was just my toe. 1311 01:09:17,053 --> 01:09:18,888 All right. That's enough, man. 1312 01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,227 You guys aren't thinking about Honey at all, are you? 1313 01:09:25,128 --> 01:09:26,696 I'm worried sick. 1314 01:09:26,796 --> 01:09:28,532 Ever see The Dirty Dozen? 1315 01:09:28,632 --> 01:09:29,499 That was a cool movie. 1316 01:09:29,599 --> 01:09:31,935 Man, that was real cool. 1317 01:09:32,035 --> 01:09:33,270 Lee Marvin. 1318 01:09:33,370 --> 01:09:34,704 Charles Bronson. 1319 01:09:34,804 --> 01:09:36,240 Ernest Borgnine. 1320 01:09:36,306 --> 01:09:38,308 Jim Brown. 1321 01:09:38,408 --> 01:09:40,644 Telly Savalas, Clint Walker. 1322 01:09:40,744 --> 01:09:41,911 Jim Brown. 1323 01:09:42,011 --> 01:09:43,980 Trini Lopez! Cool. 1324 01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:46,950 Trini Lopez? I never could figure that one out. 1325 01:09:47,050 --> 01:09:49,253 What the hell was he doing in The Dirty Dozen? 1326 01:09:49,319 --> 01:09:52,256 If I was putting together a group of murderers and cutthroats, 1327 01:09:52,322 --> 01:09:54,891 Trini Lopez would not be in the starting lineup. 1328 01:09:54,991 --> 01:09:56,260 That's why he dies first. 1329 01:09:56,326 --> 01:09:57,661 Don't they all die? 1330 01:09:57,761 --> 01:09:58,962 No. Jim Brown dies. 1331 01:09:59,062 --> 01:10:01,465 What do you expect? 1332 01:10:01,565 --> 01:10:03,099 Of all The Dirty Dozen, this black guy's 1333 01:10:03,267 --> 01:10:06,870 supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines and pretend he's a Kraut? 1334 01:10:06,970 --> 01:10:08,438 That's not it, man. 1335 01:10:08,538 --> 01:10:11,275 It's just the black guy always dies. 1336 01:10:11,375 --> 01:10:14,711 Think about it, man. Unforgiven. 1337 01:10:14,811 --> 01:10:15,879 Alien. 1338 01:10:15,979 --> 01:10:17,013 Rocky IV. 1339 01:10:17,113 --> 01:10:18,014 The Shining. 1340 01:10:18,114 --> 01:10:19,683 Star Trek II. 1341 01:10:19,783 --> 01:10:20,950 Forrest Gump. 1342 01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:22,286 Witness. 1343 01:10:22,386 --> 01:10:23,720 Annie Hall. 1344 01:10:23,820 --> 01:10:25,889 Not Annie Hall. 1345 01:10:25,989 --> 01:10:26,856 Night of the Living Dead. 1346 01:10:26,956 --> 01:10:28,392 That's the one! 1347 01:10:28,492 --> 01:10:30,260 And what about that brother in Jurassic Park? 1348 01:10:30,360 --> 01:10:32,329 Oh, that was cool. 1349 01:10:32,429 --> 01:10:34,931 Two black guys died in that one. A twofer! 1350 01:10:35,031 --> 01:10:38,435 You must be really pissed off at that one. 1351 01:10:38,535 --> 01:10:39,503 I'm telling you, man, 1352 01:10:39,603 --> 01:10:41,471 the black guy always dies first. 1353 01:10:50,714 --> 01:10:54,017 Oh, aw, man. 1354 01:10:54,117 --> 01:10:56,620 Hey. Don't worry, Kabral. 1355 01:10:56,720 --> 01:10:58,922 You'll pass for Canadian. 1356 01:11:03,793 --> 01:11:05,395 You really do need help. 1357 01:11:05,495 --> 01:11:08,231 Oh, I need help? Yeah. 1358 01:11:08,332 --> 01:11:10,334 Knock it off with this Dirty Dozen stuff. 1359 01:11:10,434 --> 01:11:12,168 Did anyone see Dirty Dancing? 1360 01:11:12,369 --> 01:11:15,805 Whoo! 1361 01:11:15,905 --> 01:11:20,810 That was a good movie. 1362 01:11:20,910 --> 01:11:23,513 Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm, 1363 01:11:23,613 --> 01:11:27,016 your one-stop program for total nuclear destruction. 1364 01:11:27,116 --> 01:11:30,354 Please enter your pin code now. 1365 01:11:34,123 --> 01:11:39,829 You have reached the Hellstorm communications center. 1366 01:11:39,929 --> 01:11:44,601 Please choose your missile launch sites from your on-screen menu. 1367 01:11:51,908 --> 01:11:57,814 Establishing contact with all U.S. launch sites. 1368 01:11:57,914 --> 01:12:02,085 American missiles now under the control of the Hacker Hellstorm. 1369 01:12:04,588 --> 01:12:09,158 Countdown ready to commence. 1370 01:12:09,258 --> 01:12:12,128 Hellstorm activated. 1371 01:12:12,228 --> 01:12:14,297 Thank God for technology. 1372 01:12:14,398 --> 01:12:18,502 12 hours to launch. 1373 01:12:29,746 --> 01:12:32,582 Any word from Omega Force, like where they are? 1374 01:12:32,682 --> 01:12:33,783 Hell, they… 1375 01:12:33,883 --> 01:12:36,085 What the hell is that? 1376 01:12:36,185 --> 01:12:37,554 It's Def-Con 4, sir. 1377 01:12:37,654 --> 01:12:40,223 Just remind me. What is Def-Con 4? 1378 01:12:40,323 --> 01:12:41,858 Defense condition 4, sir. 1379 01:12:41,958 --> 01:12:44,694 A nuclear attack is imminent or the opposite. 1380 01:12:44,794 --> 01:12:45,595 - I'm not quite sure. - Imminent, Stu! 1381 01:12:45,695 --> 01:12:46,763 There you go, imminent. 1382 01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:47,864 Well, can't we stop this? 1383 01:12:47,964 --> 01:12:51,501 The siren, sir, or nuclear exchange? 1384 01:12:51,601 --> 01:12:52,769 Either one! 1385 01:12:52,869 --> 01:12:56,072 Sir, our missile silos in southern Utah 1386 01:12:56,172 --> 01:12:58,107 have somehow become activated. 1387 01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:01,044 Well, who ordered that? It wasn't me, was it? 1388 01:13:01,144 --> 01:13:02,779 No. I didn't order that. 1389 01:13:02,879 --> 01:13:04,448 Can't you stop this? 1390 01:13:04,481 --> 01:13:07,083 General Panzer, where are those missiles aimed? 1391 01:13:07,183 --> 01:13:09,586 Well, sir, uh… 1392 01:13:09,686 --> 01:13:12,922 Those ICBMs in southern Utah are 1393 01:13:13,022 --> 01:13:15,459 directed at… 1394 01:13:15,559 --> 01:13:17,461 At Moscow, sir. 1395 01:13:17,561 --> 01:13:18,662 What? 1396 01:13:18,762 --> 01:13:21,965 Why would you aim missiles at an ally? 1397 01:13:22,065 --> 01:13:24,468 Sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles 1398 01:13:24,534 --> 01:13:28,938 are directed at targets in the former Soviet Republics. 1399 01:13:29,038 --> 01:13:30,239 Why the hell is that? 1400 01:13:30,339 --> 01:13:31,641 With all due respect, sir, 1401 01:13:31,741 --> 01:13:34,010 your boys in Intelligence never could decide 1402 01:13:34,110 --> 01:13:35,712 who was a big enough threat 1403 01:13:35,812 --> 01:13:37,781 to point those babies elsewhere. 1404 01:13:37,881 --> 01:13:40,016 Let me say, sir, 1405 01:13:40,116 --> 01:13:41,518 if one of our birds lands 1406 01:13:41,618 --> 01:13:42,786 in the Russkies' backyard, 1407 01:13:42,886 --> 01:13:44,521 plenty will be landing in ours. 1408 01:13:49,693 --> 01:13:50,827 I have just arrived here 1409 01:13:50,927 --> 01:13:54,931 as part of the Pentagon Press Corps. 1410 01:13:55,031 --> 01:13:57,901 There are some things we will not be allowed to show you. 1411 01:13:58,001 --> 01:14:02,238 But you can rest assured that you will be getting 1412 01:14:02,338 --> 01:14:05,742 all of the information you need to know. 1413 01:14:05,842 --> 01:14:07,310 I am standing here… 1414 01:14:09,012 --> 01:14:09,813 …in the middle of… 1415 01:14:09,913 --> 01:14:11,180 And it is… 1416 01:14:14,584 --> 01:14:18,722 For those of you with sons and daughters up here, 1417 01:14:18,822 --> 01:14:20,824 I can only say that… 1418 01:14:26,863 --> 01:14:28,565 And that's about the only thing 1419 01:14:28,665 --> 01:14:31,868 that has been going wrong at this point. 1420 01:14:34,938 --> 01:14:37,807 The activation order appears to be coming from Canada. 1421 01:14:37,907 --> 01:14:40,610 How can Canada activate our missiles? 1422 01:14:40,710 --> 01:14:42,311 Oh, shit. The Hacker Hellstorm. 1423 01:14:42,411 --> 01:14:43,547 The what? The Hacker Hellstorm. 1424 01:14:43,580 --> 01:14:45,114 Sir, it's a program you canceled 1425 01:14:45,214 --> 01:14:46,883 when you tried to balance the budget. 1426 01:14:46,983 --> 01:14:49,553 What is the Hacker Hellstorm? 1427 01:14:49,653 --> 01:14:50,954 Vargo. 1428 01:14:51,054 --> 01:14:52,756 It's an automatic nuclear response system, sir. 1429 01:14:52,856 --> 01:14:56,159 It initiates a nuclear counterstrike on its own. 1430 01:14:56,259 --> 01:14:58,962 I never liked it. Took the fun out of Armageddon. 1431 01:14:59,062 --> 01:15:00,564 I'm glad they canceled the son of a bitch. 1432 01:15:00,630 --> 01:15:02,331 How did Canada get it? 1433 01:15:02,431 --> 01:15:04,067 That's classified. 1434 01:15:04,167 --> 01:15:05,735 Classified? 1435 01:15:05,835 --> 01:15:07,837 I'm the President! 1436 01:15:07,937 --> 01:15:09,973 How did Canada get it, Stu? 1437 01:15:10,073 --> 01:15:11,741 I want to talk to Hacker right now! 1438 01:15:18,481 --> 01:15:20,016 It's a vision. 1439 01:15:20,116 --> 01:15:21,585 My eyes. 1440 01:15:31,861 --> 01:15:34,030 There it is, men. Toronto. 1441 01:15:34,130 --> 01:15:36,099 It's beautiful. 1442 01:15:36,199 --> 01:15:39,769 It's like no other city I've ever seen. 1443 01:15:39,869 --> 01:15:42,338 It's like Albany. 1444 01:15:42,438 --> 01:15:43,873 Only cleaner. 1445 01:16:04,393 --> 01:16:05,762 The Tower! 1446 01:16:14,771 --> 01:16:16,172 That's Toronto, boys. 1447 01:16:16,272 --> 01:16:17,741 Cool. 1448 01:16:18,842 --> 01:16:21,778 Wow! 1449 01:16:21,878 --> 01:16:24,881 Jeez, how do they clean all those windows? 1450 01:16:24,981 --> 01:16:26,149 Windex, dummy. 1451 01:16:32,055 --> 01:16:33,289 Where did they get so many buildings? 1452 01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:36,660 It's eerie. 1453 01:16:36,726 --> 01:16:38,895 Where is everybody? I don't like this. 1454 01:16:38,995 --> 01:16:39,996 Me neither. 1455 01:16:41,931 --> 01:16:43,032 There's a kid up there. 1456 01:16:46,235 --> 01:16:47,737 Hey, hey, kid. 1457 01:16:49,405 --> 01:16:50,974 Kid, where is everybody? 1458 01:16:51,074 --> 01:16:52,408 The Tower. 1459 01:16:52,508 --> 01:16:53,677 The Tower? 1460 01:16:53,743 --> 01:16:55,078 The Canadian National Tower. 1461 01:16:55,178 --> 01:16:57,981 Some crazy American woman's there with a big gun. 1462 01:16:58,081 --> 01:16:59,683 Oh, thanks. 1463 01:16:59,749 --> 01:17:02,786 Crazy American lady with a gun. 1464 01:17:02,886 --> 01:17:05,121 It's Honey! Come on, fellas, let's go. 1465 01:17:11,527 --> 01:17:14,263 Attention, please. Attention, please. 1466 01:17:14,363 --> 01:17:17,100 This is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1467 01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,435 Would you come down from the Tower, please? 1468 01:17:19,535 --> 01:17:22,105 If you say "please" one more time, 1469 01:17:22,205 --> 01:17:24,708 I'm going to let you have it. 1470 01:17:30,546 --> 01:17:32,115 No, no, no. I got that part. 1471 01:17:32,215 --> 01:17:34,784 What I don't understand is how the Canadians 1472 01:17:34,884 --> 01:17:38,321 have a fully functional and operational Hellstorm. 1473 01:17:38,421 --> 01:17:41,825 I thought what I sold them was not usable. 1474 01:17:41,925 --> 01:17:44,060 How the hell did I let you get me into this? 1475 01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:45,762 Stuey. 1476 01:17:45,862 --> 01:17:47,997 God Almighty. 1477 01:17:48,097 --> 01:17:51,200 Why do you bother your head with this kind of crap? 1478 01:17:51,300 --> 01:17:54,403 Maybe it's because you're an only child. 1479 01:17:54,503 --> 01:17:57,306 Or maybe it's because you're becoming irrelevant. 1480 01:17:57,406 --> 01:17:59,843 Now, calm down, for Christ's sake. 1481 01:17:59,943 --> 01:18:01,244 Mmm-hmm. 1482 01:18:01,344 --> 01:18:03,446 The Canadians cannot launch any missiles. 1483 01:18:03,546 --> 01:18:05,381 Only I can, 1484 01:18:05,481 --> 01:18:07,751 because I have the codes, 1485 01:18:07,817 --> 01:18:09,318 all of them. 1486 01:18:09,418 --> 01:18:11,187 And I'm in control. 1487 01:18:11,287 --> 01:18:12,488 So, easy. 1488 01:18:12,588 --> 01:18:16,125 Missile countdown has started in Wyoming and Montana. 1489 01:18:16,225 --> 01:18:17,827 All right. I want an answer. 1490 01:18:17,927 --> 01:18:19,395 Does Canada have the power 1491 01:18:19,495 --> 01:18:21,564 to launch America's nuclear weapons? 1492 01:18:21,664 --> 01:18:25,101 The Hacker Hellstorm can do that and a lot more. 1493 01:18:26,502 --> 01:18:29,372 And if you hadn't canceled that program, 1494 01:18:29,472 --> 01:18:32,208 the technology would still be in American hands. 1495 01:18:32,308 --> 01:18:36,846 So you sold control of American missiles to a foreign country. 1496 01:18:36,946 --> 01:18:41,284 If you can call Canada foreign. Or a country. 1497 01:18:41,384 --> 01:18:43,019 When you canceled that program, 1498 01:18:43,119 --> 01:18:44,420 you left me standing there 1499 01:18:44,520 --> 01:18:47,690 out of pocket $500 million! 1500 01:18:47,791 --> 01:18:50,960 I got to make up on a shortfall like that. 1501 01:18:51,060 --> 01:18:53,863 After all the billions he's made on Uncle Sam. 1502 01:18:54,931 --> 01:18:56,833 In a decent, God-fearing country, 1503 01:18:56,933 --> 01:18:59,668 I'd be allowed to beat the two of you to death. 1504 01:18:59,803 --> 01:19:04,841 It's scum like you that make a simple war all screwed up and confusing. 1505 01:19:04,941 --> 01:19:08,711 It's people like us who keep people like you in business. 1506 01:19:08,812 --> 01:19:11,614 We're now registering missile activity in Nevada. 1507 01:19:11,714 --> 01:19:14,017 All right, now I want to know 1508 01:19:14,117 --> 01:19:17,486 where exactly did you install this, 1509 01:19:17,586 --> 01:19:18,922 this Hellstorm thing? 1510 01:19:19,022 --> 01:19:22,658 Ever run an old possum up a tree, Mr. President? 1511 01:19:22,826 --> 01:19:25,194 He'll find the highest branch he can. 1512 01:19:48,852 --> 01:19:51,754 Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way. 1513 01:19:51,855 --> 01:19:53,389 Oh, I'm sorry. 1514 01:19:53,489 --> 01:19:54,557 Excuse me. 1515 01:19:54,657 --> 01:19:56,926 Out of my way. Out of my way. 1516 01:19:57,026 --> 01:19:58,127 I'm sorry. 1517 01:19:58,227 --> 01:20:00,363 Out of my way. Out of my way. 1518 01:20:00,463 --> 01:20:01,464 I'm sorry. 1519 01:20:02,498 --> 01:20:04,300 All right. You wait here. 1520 01:20:04,400 --> 01:20:06,435 I'll be right back. Get out of my way. 1521 01:20:17,080 --> 01:20:18,047 Oh. 1522 01:20:38,434 --> 01:20:42,071 Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number 1. 1523 01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:46,242 But what you don't know is that I also built Hellstorm number 2. 1524 01:20:46,342 --> 01:20:48,144 Two? What's that? What's two? 1525 01:20:48,244 --> 01:20:50,846 It's to defend us against Hellstorm 1. 1526 01:20:50,947 --> 01:20:54,283 Just in case an enemy should ever acquire it. 1527 01:20:54,383 --> 01:20:57,286 I don't want to say that it's pure genius, but… 1528 01:20:57,386 --> 01:20:59,255 No, no. It's insane! 1529 01:20:59,355 --> 01:21:00,924 It's business. 1530 01:21:01,024 --> 01:21:04,693 And I can let you have it immediately, but it won't be cheap. 1531 01:21:04,928 --> 01:21:07,396 It won't be cheap? How much will it be? 1532 01:21:07,496 --> 01:21:09,032 $1 trillion. 1533 01:21:10,133 --> 01:21:11,767 $1 trillion! 1534 01:21:11,935 --> 01:21:14,403 That includes the cost overruns. 1535 01:21:14,503 --> 01:21:18,074 Mr. Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the cojones. 1536 01:21:18,174 --> 01:21:20,309 Don't you have any patriotism, sir? 1537 01:21:21,577 --> 01:21:22,511 What about the Alamo? 1538 01:21:22,611 --> 01:21:24,047 The Halls of Montezuma? 1539 01:21:24,147 --> 01:21:26,082 The Sands of Iwo Jima? 1540 01:21:26,182 --> 01:21:28,251 The Guns of Navarone? 1541 01:21:28,351 --> 01:21:30,853 Didn't you ever fantasize about The Duke 1542 01:21:30,954 --> 01:21:32,555 in The Flying Leathernecks? 1543 01:21:32,655 --> 01:21:33,856 Huh? 1544 01:21:33,957 --> 01:21:35,758 I mean, fantasize about being The Duke, 1545 01:21:35,858 --> 01:21:38,027 not fantasize about The Duke. 1546 01:21:38,127 --> 01:21:39,762 You know what I mean, sir? 1547 01:21:39,862 --> 01:21:42,298 30 minutes to launch. 1548 01:21:51,340 --> 01:21:52,508 Oh, God. 1549 01:21:54,377 --> 01:21:55,979 What have you got there? 1550 01:22:03,619 --> 01:22:04,787 Oh, my God. 1551 01:22:04,988 --> 01:22:08,091 Mr. President, we have a situation Uranus in Utah. 1552 01:22:08,191 --> 01:22:10,393 They bumped their birds up to T-minus 7. 1553 01:22:10,493 --> 01:22:13,229 This is terrible. I didn't understand a word of what he said. 1554 01:22:13,329 --> 01:22:15,698 He said the missiles will launch in seven minutes. 1555 01:22:15,798 --> 01:22:17,300 Oh, my God! 1556 01:22:17,400 --> 01:22:19,668 Mr. President, you got six minutes and change. 1557 01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:21,670 This is a mistake you do not want to make! 1558 01:22:21,770 --> 01:22:24,007 Negotiate with him. Give him what he wants! 1559 01:22:24,040 --> 01:22:25,508 I know. Just give me a second. 1560 01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:28,911 Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather 1561 01:22:29,012 --> 01:22:31,247 between me and ground zero. 1562 01:22:31,347 --> 01:22:34,317 Call me, Mr. President, when you decide to give me the money. 1563 01:22:34,417 --> 01:22:36,119 Wait a second. Hold on one second. 1564 01:22:36,219 --> 01:22:37,820 I don't understand something. 1565 01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:41,190 Why would the Canadians try to start a war between us and the Russians? 1566 01:22:41,290 --> 01:22:42,291 I don't get that. 1567 01:22:42,391 --> 01:22:43,426 Hacker! 1568 01:22:44,860 --> 01:22:46,629 Hacker! Hack… 1569 01:22:46,729 --> 01:22:49,898 Get me Intelligence. I need Intelligence. 1570 01:22:50,033 --> 01:22:51,634 Canada's not launching those missiles. 1571 01:22:51,734 --> 01:22:52,801 You are! 1572 01:22:52,901 --> 01:22:55,504 Give me the money, then I'll turn it off. 1573 01:22:55,604 --> 01:22:57,373 Give me the goddamn codes! 1574 01:22:59,675 --> 01:23:01,210 You son of a bitch, you're through! 1575 01:23:04,780 --> 01:23:06,215 Oh, my God! 1576 01:23:09,552 --> 01:23:11,754 Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley! 1577 01:23:13,122 --> 01:23:15,058 Wait! I got the codes! 1578 01:23:18,661 --> 01:23:20,063 Mr. Hacker? 1579 01:23:20,163 --> 01:23:21,630 Mr. Hacker? 1580 01:23:21,730 --> 01:23:24,333 I think this old possum has bought the farm. 1581 01:23:24,433 --> 01:23:25,768 E-I-E-I-O. 1582 01:23:39,882 --> 01:23:41,084 Oh, excuse me. 1583 01:23:41,150 --> 01:23:42,185 Pardon me. 1584 01:23:42,285 --> 01:23:43,852 Sorry. 1585 01:23:43,952 --> 01:23:45,154 Oh! 1586 01:23:45,254 --> 01:23:46,289 Sorry! 1587 01:23:52,495 --> 01:23:56,132 Stu, Stu, Stu, it really pains me to see you this way. 1588 01:23:56,232 --> 01:23:58,234 Ah, who am I kidding? 1589 01:23:58,334 --> 01:24:00,136 We'll torture him later. Get him out of here. 1590 01:24:01,637 --> 01:24:03,005 What about the Russians? 1591 01:24:03,106 --> 01:24:05,841 Call Moscow. We've got to warn them. 1592 01:24:05,941 --> 01:24:07,810 Vladimir Krushkin. He was in briefly over lunch, 1593 01:24:07,910 --> 01:24:09,778 countercoup, he was out, then reinstalled again. 1594 01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,280 As of supper, he was still there. 1595 01:24:18,254 --> 01:24:20,923 Let me level with you, sir. 1596 01:24:21,023 --> 01:24:22,791 I would destroy any nation, 1597 01:24:22,891 --> 01:24:26,129 even my own, if my president gave the order. 1598 01:24:26,162 --> 01:24:28,131 So you just say the word, sir, 1599 01:24:28,231 --> 01:24:30,733 and we'll do what we should have done in the first place. 1600 01:24:30,833 --> 01:24:34,237 We'll nuke the slimy canuck bastards. 1601 01:24:34,337 --> 01:24:38,274 We'll wipe their frigid, goddamned country off the map. 1602 01:24:38,374 --> 01:24:41,144 I can't kill America's neighbors. 1603 01:24:41,177 --> 01:24:43,146 I can. I summer up there. 1604 01:24:43,779 --> 01:24:45,148 I understand, sir. 1605 01:24:45,181 --> 01:24:48,351 Mr. President, we've lost contact with Omega Force. 1606 01:24:48,451 --> 01:24:49,652 Well, that's it. 1607 01:24:49,752 --> 01:24:51,920 Moscow is about to light up 1608 01:24:52,020 --> 01:24:54,157 hotter than a pig roast on flag day. 1609 01:24:54,257 --> 01:24:58,161 That'll certainly guarantee a retaliatory gesture against the United States. 1610 01:24:58,227 --> 01:24:59,362 No shit. 1611 01:25:05,601 --> 01:25:07,403 Get Prime Minister MacDonald on the phone. 1612 01:25:07,503 --> 01:25:08,971 I'll give him anything he wants. 1613 01:25:09,172 --> 01:25:10,939 Got to. 1614 01:25:11,039 --> 01:25:14,677 This is the Hacker Hellstorm weather forecasting center. 1615 01:25:14,777 --> 01:25:18,647 1 minute, 50 seconds to total annihilation. 1616 01:25:19,582 --> 01:25:22,185 Have a nice day. 1617 01:25:22,218 --> 01:25:26,189 Mr. Prime Minister, I'm asking you to stop it. 1618 01:25:27,456 --> 01:25:29,225 Now pay attention to me, okay? 1619 01:25:29,325 --> 01:25:31,860 I'm talking about the Hacker Hellstorm. 1620 01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:35,731 You got it, and you've got to turn it off. 1621 01:25:35,831 --> 01:25:39,001 Clark, we can't turn it off. Of course we've tried! 1622 01:25:39,101 --> 01:25:40,503 We can't turn it… 1623 01:25:41,637 --> 01:25:43,339 He's putting his wife on. 1624 01:25:43,439 --> 01:25:44,507 Hi. 1625 01:25:46,242 --> 01:25:47,443 Ecoutez, 1626 01:25:48,644 --> 01:25:49,878 vous avez gagne. 1627 01:25:50,846 --> 01:25:51,880 Uh… 1628 01:25:53,216 --> 01:25:55,351 Fermez les "rockettes", okay? 1629 01:25:57,453 --> 01:25:59,655 About two years in high school 1630 01:25:59,755 --> 01:26:01,357 and about four years in college. 1631 01:26:01,924 --> 01:26:02,825 Well, thank you. 1632 01:26:04,927 --> 01:26:09,232 American missiles will launch in 1 minute and 30 seconds. 1633 01:26:42,164 --> 01:26:44,900 Oh! Oh! When will it end? 1634 01:27:02,551 --> 01:27:05,354 Clark, are you listening to me? 1635 01:27:05,454 --> 01:27:08,324 Don't launch the rockets. 1636 01:27:09,358 --> 01:27:10,759 Our rockets! Don't launch them! 1637 01:27:10,859 --> 01:27:12,528 I'm giving up, you understand? 1638 01:27:12,628 --> 01:27:15,964 Whatever you want, you've got it! You've won! 1639 01:27:16,064 --> 01:27:17,933 Don't play games with me, Clark! You won! 1640 01:27:29,144 --> 01:27:30,713 Canuck central! 1641 01:27:30,813 --> 01:27:33,215 T-minus 15 seconds. 1642 01:27:35,017 --> 01:27:37,586 The canucks and Hacker? 1643 01:27:37,686 --> 01:27:39,655 10 seconds to launch. 1644 01:27:40,856 --> 01:27:42,525 Prepare to launch. 1645 01:27:47,496 --> 01:27:49,665 Clark, please! We're running out of time! 1646 01:28:04,547 --> 01:28:05,481 That's my Honey. 1647 01:28:42,985 --> 01:28:45,554 Boomer! Don't like heights. 1648 01:28:45,654 --> 01:28:47,390 We've got to get out of here. Come on! 1649 01:28:52,628 --> 01:28:53,829 Step on it. 1650 01:28:57,065 --> 01:28:59,067 Now, this is what I call a health care system. 1651 01:29:13,616 --> 01:29:15,851 Look, Honey. Home. 1652 01:29:15,951 --> 01:29:16,819 Home. 1653 01:29:18,454 --> 01:29:19,688 The US of A. 1654 01:29:25,694 --> 01:29:26,762 Whoo! Let's go. 1655 01:30:23,285 --> 01:30:25,588 There it is! 1656 01:30:26,755 --> 01:30:28,090 Like I care! 1657 01:31:02,658 --> 01:31:05,728 We're going to be there any minute now! Oh, yeah! Trust me. 1658 01:31:14,570 --> 01:31:17,540 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1659 01:31:17,606 --> 01:31:20,609 ♪ Can a guy from anywhere ♪ 1660 01:31:20,709 --> 01:31:23,078 ♪ Go to sleep a pauper ♪ 1661 01:31:23,178 --> 01:31:26,815 ♪ And wake up ♪ ♪ a millionaire ♪ 1662 01:31:26,915 --> 01:31:29,885 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1663 01:31:29,985 --> 01:31:33,088 ♪ Can a kid ♪ ♪ without a cent ♪ 1664 01:31:33,188 --> 01:31:38,694 ♪ Get a break and maybe ♪ ♪ grow up to be president ♪ 1665 01:31:39,628 --> 01:31:41,196 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1666 01:31:42,565 --> 01:31:45,300 ♪ Land of opportunity, ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ 1667 01:31:45,400 --> 01:31:47,603 ♪ Could a boy ♪ ♪ who's nothing ♪ 1668 01:31:47,703 --> 01:31:52,808 ♪ Be something ♪ ♪ and be everything ♪ 1669 01:31:54,577 --> 01:31:57,479 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1670 01:31:57,580 --> 01:32:00,583 ♪ Can a kid ♪ ♪ who's washin' cars ♪ 1671 01:32:00,683 --> 01:32:02,384 ♪ Take a giant step ♪ 1672 01:32:02,484 --> 01:32:06,789 ♪ And reach right up ♪ ♪ and touch the stars ♪ 1673 01:32:06,889 --> 01:32:09,592 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1674 01:32:09,692 --> 01:32:12,861 ♪ Could a dream ♪ ♪ like this come true ♪ 1675 01:32:12,961 --> 01:32:14,362 ♪ Could a guy like me ♪ 1676 01:32:14,462 --> 01:32:18,200 ♪ Start with nothing ♪ ♪ and end up ♪ 1677 01:32:18,300 --> 01:32:23,706 ♪ Like you ♪ 1678 01:32:44,159 --> 01:32:45,828 ♪ Only in America ♪ 1679 01:32:47,162 --> 01:32:49,798 ♪ Land of opportunity, ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ 1680 01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:52,134 ♪ Could a boy ♪ ♪ who's nothing ♪ 1681 01:32:52,234 --> 01:32:57,072 ♪ Be something ♪ ♪ and be everything ♪ 1682 01:32:57,973 --> 01:33:00,843 ♪ Be everything ♪ 1683 01:33:02,945 --> 01:33:04,713 ♪ America ♪ 1684 01:33:06,048 --> 01:33:07,650 ♪ America ♪ 1685 01:33:09,084 --> 01:33:10,753 ♪ America ♪ 1686 01:33:12,087 --> 01:33:13,689 ♪ America ♪ 1687 01:33:15,023 --> 01:33:16,725 ♪ America ♪ 1688 01:33:27,069 --> 01:33:31,439 ♪ Beneath its snowy mantle ♪ ♪ cold and clean ♪ 1689 01:33:31,539 --> 01:33:33,375 ♪ The unborn grass ♪ ♪ lies waiting ♪ 1690 01:33:33,475 --> 01:33:35,744 ♪ For its gold to turn ♪ ♪ to green ♪ 1691 01:33:37,245 --> 01:33:41,684 ♪ The snowbird sings the song ♪ ♪ he always sings ♪ 1692 01:33:41,784 --> 01:33:43,786 ♪ And speaks to me ♪ ♪ of flowers ♪ 1693 01:33:43,886 --> 01:33:47,489 ♪ That will bloom again ♪ ♪ in Spring ♪ 1694 01:33:47,589 --> 01:33:51,794 ♪ When I was young ♪ ♪ my heart was young then, too ♪ 1695 01:33:51,894 --> 01:33:54,029 ♪ And anything ♪ ♪ that it would tell me ♪ 1696 01:33:54,129 --> 01:33:56,031 ♪ That's the thing ♪ ♪ that I would do ♪ 1697 01:33:57,866 --> 01:34:02,037 ♪ But now I feel ♪ ♪ such emptiness within ♪ 1698 01:34:02,137 --> 01:34:04,807 ♪ For the thing that I want ♪ ♪ most in life's ♪ 1699 01:34:04,907 --> 01:34:08,343 ♪ The thing ♪ ♪ that I can't win ♪ 1700 01:34:08,443 --> 01:34:12,715 ♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪ ♪ and fly away ♪ 1701 01:34:12,781 --> 01:34:14,783 ♪ And take the snow ♪ ♪ back with you ♪ 1702 01:34:14,883 --> 01:34:17,019 ♪ Where it came from ♪ ♪ on that day ♪ 1703 01:34:18,721 --> 01:34:22,624 ♪ The one I loved forever ♪ ♪ is untrue ♪ 1704 01:34:22,725 --> 01:34:24,026 ♪ And if I could ♪ 1705 01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:28,964 ♪ You know that I would ♪ ♪ fly away with you ♪ 1706 01:34:29,064 --> 01:34:32,935 ♪ The breeze along the river ♪ ♪ seems to say ♪ 1707 01:34:33,035 --> 01:34:35,503 ♪ That he'll only ♪ ♪ break my heart again ♪ 1708 01:34:35,603 --> 01:34:37,840 ♪ Should I decide to stay ♪ 1709 01:34:39,274 --> 01:34:43,511 ♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪ ♪ and fly away ♪ 1710 01:34:43,611 --> 01:34:45,580 ♪ And take the snow ♪ ♪ back with you ♪ 1711 01:34:45,748 --> 01:34:49,484 ♪ Where it came from ♪ ♪ on that day ♪ 1712 01:34:49,584 --> 01:34:52,755 ♪ The one I loved forever ♪ ♪ is untrue ♪ 1713 01:34:53,588 --> 01:34:54,823 ♪ And if I could ♪ 1714 01:34:54,923 --> 01:34:58,961 ♪ You know that I would ♪ ♪ fly… ♪ 1715 01:34:59,061 --> 01:35:03,799 ♪ away with you ♪ 116371