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1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:01,873
2
00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:04,834
- That's the face, nose,
and that's the mouth.
3
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:07,314
- It has a mouth!
Oh, great.
4
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:10,045
- Nobody does a fail video
quite like a Russian.
5
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,617
- Dina, take a look.
It's perfect.
6
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:15,674
- Yeah, it's fine.
- Do you want to see it in 4-D?
7
00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:17,541
- Really?
- Okay.
8
00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:21,456
- [both gasp]
- What the [bleep]?
9
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:26,029
- Oh, it's a miracle.
- Uh-huh.
10
00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:29,029
[upbeat music]
11
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:30,682
♪
12
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,076
- The doctor says it's normal
for the head to be
13
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,990
so much bigger
than the rest of the body.
14
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,505
- I've heard that
successful people
15
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:39,338
have unusually large heads.
Look at the Burger King.
16
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:41,167
- Hmm.
- Could they tell the sex?
17
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,515
- Well, the doctor
wrote it down
18
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:47,605
and put it in this envelope,
so here goes nothing.
19
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,436
[clamoring]
20
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:50,834
- Wait. You're gonna
just do that right here?
21
00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:52,656
- You guys should do
something special.
22
00:00:52,704 --> 00:00:54,324
- Jerry's whole family
came to the hospital
23
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:55,878
for his catheter removal.
24
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,575
The doctor even let his mom
hold his penis
25
00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,062
while the nurse
pulled out the tube.
26
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:01,242
- Oh.
- Or, we could get a cake,
27
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:02,318
and then,
when you slice into it,
28
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,716
it's either pink or blue.
29
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,759
- Or we could all
get paintball guns,
30
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,334
and shoot each other,
and the paint
31
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:08,761
could either be blue or pink.
32
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,977
So we'd all be like,
ah, ooh, it hurts,
33
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,808
but you guys would like,
ha ha.
34
00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,766
[imitates gunfire]
35
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,214
It's a girl, bitch.
36
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:20,211
- Funny to think
that it has genitals, right?
37
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,914
It's like, I could have
a stranger's tiny penis
38
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,092
just whipping around inside me.
39
00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:26,558
- Sounds like
my Saturday night.
40
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,738
[chuckles]
[all groan]
41
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:30,534
- So what do you think?
Is it gonna be
42
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:34,748
a Glenn or a Glenda?
- Ugh, Glenda would be rough.
43
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,050
- If I was a boy,
I was gonna be Donald.
44
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,707
- [laughs]
Donald?
45
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,620
- Yeah.
- It just sounds like,
46
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:44,055
I'm Don Sosa,
and have I got a car for you.
47
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:48,114
- Um, more like, and up next,
batting for the Cardinals,
48
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,981
number 34, Don Sosa!
- Oh, no, no way.
49
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,593
- [Italian accent]
I'm-a Don-a Sosa.
50
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,684
Please come to my villa
so I may make-a love to you.
51
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:57,904
- [Italian accent]
But I work at the Cloud 9.
52
00:01:57,943 --> 00:02:00,083
- Yes.
- So we go to my
53
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,170
tiny apartment,
we make the love--
54
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,779
- You come visit me,
do not worry,
55
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:06,169
do not you worry,
you sit-a on-a my twin bed.
56
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:07,783
I'm-a make-a
my roommate go away,
57
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,303
he don't even looking.
- Make-a the love many times
58
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,607
on the coupons.
- I give you half off
59
00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:16,144
the love making.
[both laugh]
60
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:17,749
- All right,
I should get back to...
61
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:21,099
- I should go find Kelly.
- You guys doing funny accents?
62
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,271
[as Nixon]
I am not a crook.
63
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,797
Ronald Reagan.
64
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:29,538
- Uh, excuse me?
Are you pregnant or just fat?
65
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,334
- Pregnant.
- Okay, good.
66
00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,848
Uh, quick question,
do you have any feelings of,
67
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:36,682
I don't know, overwhelming
panic and a desire to flee?
68
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,331
- Is that your first?
- Yeah.
69
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,545
Well, technically
it's not mine.
70
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:42,074
It's my boss's.
- Uh, okay.
71
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:45,298
Uh, little advice.
Get the C-section.
72
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,909
With my first,
I was in labor for 36 hours.
73
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,170
Finally, I bit off part
of my tongue, I passed out--
74
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,523
- Sorry, didn't mean
to eavesdrop,
75
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:55,743
but I had a C-section.
Not great.
76
00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:57,834
They couldn't
get my uterus back in after,
77
00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:00,793
and they had to just keep
shoving and punching it in
78
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:03,312
like an overstuffed duffel.
- I had to have twins.
79
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:05,317
Breech birth,
in the back of an Altima.
80
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:07,579
Some EMT cut me
from hole to hole.
81
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:11,282
- Nope. Nope.
Absolutely not.
82
00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:13,321
- Justine, we need
pink and blue balloons.
83
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:14,797
Heather, you're on mason jars.
84
00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:17,846
And Sandra, I need you
to make a melon baby.
85
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:21,163
- What's a melon baby?
- You know, a melon baby.
86
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,201
- I can do it if Sandra can't.
- No, no, I can do it.
87
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,637
I'll do it.
- Great. Any questions?
88
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,254
Okay, break.
89
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,693
- Guess who?
- Oh, hey, Jeff.
90
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:37,255
- Ah, well, Jonah ruined it.
- [grunts] Hey.
91
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,614
What are you doing here?
92
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:40,223
- Oh, I'm on a break
from Target.
93
00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:41,483
Thought I would
stop by and say hi.
94
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,305
- How's your new job?
- Oh, at Target?
95
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:44,793
Well, it's Target.
It's the big leagues.
96
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,923
- Well, uh,
thank you for visiting.
97
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:48,705
It was good seeing you,
but these carts
98
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,620
aren't gonna
put themselves away, so.
99
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,705
- Oh, uh, okay, well, then
I'm going to do a little
100
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:56,795
shopping for supper.
Don't tell the folks at Target.
101
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:59,715
I'm kidding, they don't need
my business, they're Target.
102
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:06,065
- Everything okay
with you guys?
103
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:09,065
- Yep, yeah, just spending
a lot of time together.
104
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:10,988
- Really?
I feel like managing a Target
105
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:13,563
would take a lot of time--
- He doesn't work at Target.
106
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:16,081
Okay, he didn't even make it
past the phone interview.
107
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,295
- Wait, he's been lying?
108
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,385
- He's been too embarrassed
109
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:22,224
to admit he's unemployed.
- Just because--
110
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,872
- Kathy, no,
I can't come in early.
111
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:27,265
Just handle it yourself
or consult the Target handbook.
112
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:28,920
[whispers]
It's work.
113
00:04:29,965 --> 00:04:33,705
- They cut off his cell
phone service a month ago, so.
114
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,763
- No, no, we're not doing that.
We're not doing that.
115
00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:44,334
We're not doing that.
We're not doing that.
116
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:46,291
We're not doing that.
117
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:48,809
Take this, it's just
sitting there, tempting me
118
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:51,553
like a redhead.
- Uh, sure.
119
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:54,155
- Under no circumstances
let me see
120
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,556
what's inside that envelope.
121
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,820
- This is a terrible,
wonderful responsibility.
122
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:04,126
- Can I see
what's in that envelope?
123
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:07,743
- No.
- Wow, you're good.
124
00:05:07,785 --> 00:05:09,955
- It's been a difficult birth.
125
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:11,875
The mother has lost
a lot of blood.
126
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,400
- [grunts]
- And the pain is unbearable.
127
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,454
The farmer moves in
to put her down.
128
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:19,140
- Jesus.
- Dina, some of the customers
129
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:21,578
are asking if
we can change the channel.
130
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,315
[gunshot]
Oh.
131
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:26,146
- The farmer is unsuccessful
on his first try.
132
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,805
- Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.
133
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:29,979
Hey, Glenn, need to talk to you
when you have a minute.
134
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,675
- Is something wrong?
- No, no, no.
135
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:33,292
They just sent us the
wrong receipt paper again,
136
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,473
and I also decided I no longer
want to carry your baby,
137
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,599
so we'll just go over all that.
138
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:42,337
139
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:45,255
- The baby's in a sack anyway.
I'm just suggesting
140
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:46,781
we take out that sack,
and stuff it into someone else.
141
00:05:46,824 --> 00:05:48,224
Maybe Sandra.
- Yeah, I don't think
142
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,440
that technology exists.
- What technology?
143
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:51,049
I'm talking about moving
a bag of garbage
144
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:52,399
from the kitchen
to the side of the house.
145
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:55,359
- Bag of garbage?
- You can't just move it.
146
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:57,488
[stammers]
That-it's attached to things.
147
00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:59,011
- Fine, fine,
that's just one idea.
148
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:00,364
We can come up
with something else.
149
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,193
- What is going on?
- It's okay.
150
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,971
Dina, I know this is scary--
- Okay, okay, how about this?
151
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,496
We induce a coma, okay?
In five months,
152
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,800
I wake up empty and happy
and everybody wins.
153
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,196
[laughs]
154
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:11,809
All right,
don't just say no, all right?
155
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,979
We can find a solution.
We just have to keep talking
156
00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:15,455
until we figure something out.
157
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:18,115
[wheezing laugh]
158
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,420
- Hey, Garrett.
We need the envelope.
159
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,377
Glenn said he gave it to you.
- We're gonna fill
160
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,245
this piñata with either
pink or blue candy.
161
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:26,646
- So people are gonna
beat that baby with a stick
162
00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:29,260
till it bursts open and
spews candy guts everywhere?
163
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,871
- Yep, that's what I said too.
164
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,183
- Do whatever you want.
I don't care.
165
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,140
- Did you lose it?
- No.
166
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,493
- Why do you sound nervous?
167
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,932
- Why do you sound
like a cartoon mouse?
168
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:47,619
- [laughs]
It's funny.
169
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:50,708
- Hey, is this the only
gumbo mix you have?
170
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,538
- I think so.
- Mmm.
171
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:55,016
You know, at Target,
the selection is just,
172
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,106
[imitates explosion]
Mind blowing.
173
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:58,455
I mean, that's why
we call it Target.
174
00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,675
That's what
everybody's aiming for.
175
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:01,163
- It's a nice store.
176
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,813
- There's this guy
I work with named Gordon,
177
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:05,337
who reminds me so much of you.
The other day, I was like,
178
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,951
ey, Jordan, like I combined
your name and his name.
179
00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:10,472
God, did we laugh, oh.
- That's funny.
180
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:14,387
Um, you know, you don't have to
talk about the job so much.
181
00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,572
- Why would you
tell Jeff what I said?
182
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:21,222
- I didn't, he's just
really good at reading people.
183
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,486
Like, not psychic,
but he's operating
184
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,790
on a very high level.
185
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,965
- Well, now he feels
even worse about himself.
186
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,581
- So why don't you
just encourage him
187
00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:31,892
to get back out there?
- Okay, he quit his job for me.
188
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:34,499
I can't be the one who
criticizes him for not working.
189
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:38,241
- I guess I could try
talking to him, if you want.
190
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:41,903
- Oh, well, I mean,
he does respect you.
191
00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:43,379
But you can't sleep with him.
192
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:46,639
- Yeah, no, I will
try and control myself.
193
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,123
- Okay.
194
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,431
- The name is Glenn
and Jerusha Sturgis.
195
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,132
I need to know
the gender of their baby.
196
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:57,960
Okay, sure, one second.
197
00:07:57,999 --> 00:08:00,179
[exhales]
198
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,868
[imitating Glenn]
Hello, it's me, Glenn Sturgis.
199
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:05,487
I seem to have lost
the envelope the doctor wrote
200
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:08,098
the gender of
my little angel in and--
201
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,659
[normal voice]
What?
202
00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:10,966
That's exactly how he sounds.
203
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:14,062
You have no idea
how spot on I was.
204
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:15,452
- I did not think this through.
205
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,925
And now, I have
a horrible parasite
206
00:08:16,974 --> 00:08:19,154
just eating
and pissing inside me.
207
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:21,114
- My friend Corona
swallowed a tape worm
208
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:24,902
to lose weight,
and it ate one of her organs.
209
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:26,589
She looked really good
at prom, though.
210
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:29,116
- Look, Dina, it's just
for a few more months.
211
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,550
- Yeah, and then
I get to endure
212
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,467
the most gruesome
pain imaginable.
213
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,692
The phrase "cut from hole
to hole" was said to me.
214
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,912
- You know, it really
didn't hurt that much.
215
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:40,962
I remember thinking,
like, big whoop.
216
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:42,568
Way to over-hype it, women.
217
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:45,609
- Really?
'Cause for me, it was like...
218
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:50,265
It was--it was like nothing.
- Yeah, it was like bad cramps.
219
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:53,452
- Yeah, or like pooping,
with blood and screaming
220
00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:56,409
and then a face
comes out of you.
221
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,488
- It's like, what else are you
telling people about me?
222
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,058
- Hey, guys.
Hey, Jeff.
223
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,625
- You don't have
to say my name that way.
224
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:03,982
I know what I am.
225
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,501
- I wasn't saying it
like anything.
226
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,506
And besides, you just need to
get back out there, you know?
227
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,069
Get back on the horse.
Giddy-up!
228
00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:16,156
Cowboy.
- Yes, but, I mean...
229
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,817
I've never asked myself
what I want to do with my life.
230
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,603
And I just thought, you know,
now that I have this
231
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:24,298
opportunity,
maybe I could figure that out
232
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:27,306
instead of just jumping into
the first job that comes along.
233
00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:30,179
Is that so wrong?
To just once ask
234
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,311
what makes Jeffrey happy?
235
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:35,619
- No. [sighs]
236
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,102
You shouldn't rush
into anything.
237
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,411
You should...
follow your bliss.
238
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,629
- Yeah, defin--definitely.
You'll find another job.
239
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:45,589
You just--you need
to figure out you first.
240
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,018
- You were supposed
to tell him to get a job.
241
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:48,284
- But then he said
all that stuff,
242
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:49,716
and you told him
to follow his bliss.
243
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,333
- Because I'm not supposed
to be the bad cop.
244
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:52,723
That was your job.
- I'm sorry.
245
00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:55,376
You seemed on board.
- It's called acting.
246
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:56,810
Okay, when you watch
"Terms of Endearment,"
247
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,687
Debra Winger doesn't
actually have cancer.
248
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,298
- I haven't seen it yet.
It's on my list.
249
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:01,638
But I still have
a lot of TV to get through.
250
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,728
We're in a golden age
of television.
251
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:07,823
- Look, last month,
I thought I might be pregnant.
252
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,438
I had missed a few periods, and
I was gaining some weight--
253
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,609
- Oh, no way,
you were gaining weight?
254
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,695
[nervous laughing]
I didn't even notice.
255
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,354
- What, are you blind?
Look at her.
256
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:19,228
- Anyway, I took the test,
257
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:23,060
and while I was waiting,
I kind of realized
258
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,060
I kind of wanted
to be pregnant again.
259
00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:26,712
- Oh, yeah,
'cause Emma's a dud.
260
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,056
- No. What?
261
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:31,235
- Right, no, JK,
she's my fave.
262
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:34,422
- Because I remembered
how amazing it felt.
263
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:37,419
It's like,
you're carrying this life.
264
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:39,812
You're a god.
I don't know,
265
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:42,416
I was kind of sad
when I got just the one cloud.
266
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:45,207
- You took a Supercloud test?
- Yeah.
267
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,523
- Did you not read the memo?
268
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,078
They recalled
all the Supercloud tests
269
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,515
after a bunch
of false negatives.
270
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:52,131
The Midwest is drowning
in blooper babies.
271
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,444
- Excuse me.
272
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,180
- Probably trying
to get her money back.
273
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:07,226
274
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,535
- I know it's probably
not the best timing,
275
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:11,801
but this is why
you need to read the memos.
276
00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:15,852
Look at it this way,
you said you wanted
277
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:18,072
to be pregnant again.
- I was obviously lying.
278
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:20,382
No one wants to be pregnant.
It's terrible.
279
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:22,198
- Okay, first things first,
280
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,676
let's figure out
who the father is.
281
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,636
All right, let's make a list
of all the people
282
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,505
you've had sex with
over the last few months.
283
00:11:27,556 --> 00:11:30,336
- Oh, Alex, Tate, write small,
there could be dozens.
284
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,335
- It's not either one of them.
285
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:37,165
I was taking it slow with Alex,
and I almost had sex with Tate.
286
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,738
He started doing
one-armed pushups,
287
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,565
and he fell and got
embarrassed, and so he left.
288
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,572
He said he had a meeting,
but it was like 2:00 a.m.
289
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,754
- So then, who?
290
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:48,321
- It was Adam.
- Dubanowski?
291
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:49,709
- Isn't he dating someone?
292
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,582
- Yeah, they broke up
a couple months ago.
293
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,233
- She broke up
with him, though, right?
294
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:54,757
It's the only scenario
where it makes sense.
295
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,061
- He came over
to pick up some stuff,
296
00:11:57,107 --> 00:12:00,327
and we were both feeling
a little lonely, so,
297
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,591
we started drinking.
Then we started laughing
298
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:05,375
and talking about
the good old days,
299
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,120
and he was wearing
an Obama T-shirt,
300
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,471
and I just miss Obama so much.
301
00:12:09,511 --> 00:12:12,781
- Wow, it's like,
thanks, Obama.
302
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:16,519
- Funny to think I was the one
who was freaking out before.
303
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,611
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
304
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,311
- Guys, come on,
it's just an envelope.
305
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:23,999
It's got to be somewhere.
- Oh, look.
306
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,617
I found my retainer.
307
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:29,398
- Oh.
- Ah, it doesn't fit.
308
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,454
My teeth must have shifted.
309
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:34,229
- Again, let's stop
looking for treasure,
310
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,095
and find the envelope.
311
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,931
- What is he wearing?
- Looks like hiking gear.
312
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:43,547
I'll say something to him.
- Yes, but remember.
313
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,238
Bad cop, good cop.
- I've done plays.
314
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,546
- What do you think, huh?
315
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:48,291
Hey, check out
how light these are.
316
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:50,772
Carbon fiber--sorry, they're
probably a little sweaty.
317
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:54,473
- Nice, uh, are we
outside people now?
318
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:57,212
Investing in gear?
- Yeah, treat myself.
319
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,824
- Hey, here's a question:
how are you gonna
320
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,815
pay for all that without a job?
- Uh, I have savings.
321
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,128
- Well, he's a grown man.
322
00:13:03,173 --> 00:13:05,523
He can spend his money
how he wants.
323
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,607
- Yeah, well, he's just
gonna blow through
324
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:11,567
all those savings before you
know it, and then what, huh?
325
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:13,706
You just gonna be a bum?
- Uh, I don't think
326
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,839
I'm gonna be a bum--
- Okay, you know what?
327
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,452
I think it's time I drop a
little truth bomb on you, okay?
328
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,843
You're a grown man.
You're too young to retire,
329
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,587
and you're way too old
to start mountain climbing,
330
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,848
or whatever this is,
so snap out of it, okay, bub?
331
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:29,853
Grow up, get a job,
and be a man.
332
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:32,506
Kapow! Truth bomb!
333
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,120
- Who the hell are you
to talk to him that way?
334
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,692
He is more man
than you'll ever be.
335
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,168
- What?
- If we're talking about
336
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:39,468
truth bombs,
well, take shelter,
337
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:41,654
'cause I'm about to
make it rain.
338
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:44,910
- Hey, Adam, it's Amy.
Um, give me a call.
339
00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:49,094
I have a story to tell you.
It's kind of a long story.
340
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,182
That ends with a baby.
Our baby.
341
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:52,881
Nope, re-record.
342
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,879
Hey Adam, who has two thumbs
and your baby inside of her?
343
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:56,972
Nope.
344
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,840
Hey, baby!
No.
345
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,711
If you want to split
Emma's tap shoes with me,
346
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:02,492
you can just Venmo me
the cash, but again,
347
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,797
the pregnancy was
the main point of the call.
348
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:09,016
So remember that phrase,
just once for old times' sake?
349
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,455
Ugh, what are you doing?
350
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,422
Just call me, okay?
We need to talk.
351
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:16,291
I have to tell you
that it is...
352
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:18,903
Cinco de Mayo Eve.
Arriba.
353
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:22,425
- Hey, Amy, which of these
looks most like a baby?
354
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:25,390
- Um, they're all bad.
355
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:33,001
- Or how about we talk about
your girl, Kelly, for a sec?
356
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:35,656
With her fortune teller sleeves
and her Dallas eye shadow?
357
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,270
- Okay, I think we've gotten
a little off topic.
358
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,441
- Guys, Jonah's right.
This is stupid.
359
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:41,747
I'm not gonna
go hiking, all right?
360
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,403
I take the elevator
to the second floor.
361
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,147
Let me just--I'm gonna
put this stuff back.
362
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,628
- No, wait, you don't have to.
- It's fine, okay?
363
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,239
I'll take the first job
that comes along.
364
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,719
I hear Spud City's
hiring a peeler.
365
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,409
That seems about right.
- There you go.
366
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,586
It's about time
you started facing reality.
367
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:57,422
- Jonah, stop, seriously.
Just look at him.
368
00:14:57,461 --> 00:15:00,251
Don't work at Spud City,
or wherever.
369
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:03,380
Just-- [sighs]
We'll be all right.
370
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:09,003
- Yeah, Mateo's right.
I crossed a line.
371
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:12,168
You shouldn't take any job that
doesn't make you truly happy.
372
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,439
- How do you
not get how this works?
373
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:15,998
He was finally
gonna get a job.
374
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:19,005
- I'm sorry, it's confusing.
You're a very good actor.
375
00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:20,698
- I've also done plays.
376
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,655
["Absolutely [Story of a
Girl]" by Nine Days]
377
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,104
- ♪ This is
the story of a girl ♪
378
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:27,841
♪ Who cried a river and
drowned the whole world ♪
379
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:30,673
♪ While she looks
so sad in photo-- ♪
380
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:38,850
- Oh, hey, Amy.
I need your advice.
381
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,334
- Yeah, right now's
not the best time--
382
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,554
- Yeah, I want
to surprise Jerusha
383
00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:44,473
with some baby stuff
at the party
384
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:47,028
that can work
for a boy or girl.
385
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,856
Are bottles too wiener-shaped?
386
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,654
- I--yeah, I don't know,
maybe, sure.
387
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,428
- Okay.
God, there's so much stuff,
388
00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:53,913
it's overwhelming.
389
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,523
- Yeah, it's a lot.
It's very overwhelming.
390
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:59,523
- You got your wub-a-nub,
cribs, a infant carrier,
391
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,257
wipe warmers--
what is this kid,
392
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:04,178
the Queen of England?
- I can't be here right now.
393
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,754
Excuse me.
- Hey--
394
00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:07,310
[machine beeps]
- Come on.
395
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:09,617
[machine beeps]
396
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,804
- Hey, where you going?
- Look, Dina,
397
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,320
I know I'm supposed
to be working, okay?
398
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,023
But I just--
I can't be here right now.
399
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,671
I need to go somewhere,
just anywhere away from here.
400
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,676
And I can't get
this stupid [bleep] timecard
401
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:23,028
to [bleep] work
in the [bleep] thing!
402
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:25,159
- Hey, hey, hey.
Let's get out of here.
403
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,421
- [exhales]
Okay, thank you.
404
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:30,214
[upbeat music]
405
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:33,380
- Sorry, I just feel weird
about not clocking out.
406
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:37,340
.
407
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:40,037
[upbeat music]
[indistinct chatter]
408
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:43,086
♪
409
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:45,092
- Of course, the eventual
plan would be to hike
410
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,924
the Appalachian Trail,
but for now,
411
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:49,312
I'm just gonna
walk around the reservoir.
412
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:50,436
- Cool.
413
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,787
Bo and I did it there once.
- Oh.
414
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,837
- I've gone from expense
accounts and hotel dinners
415
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,973
to having to figure out
what "squat and bury" means.
416
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,926
- I don't know, I think he's
kind of pulling off that hat.
417
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,455
- Are you kidding?
418
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:04,108
He looks like if Freddie
Mercury was going fly fishing.
419
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:07,293
- Attention, ladies and germs.
420
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,250
Sorry, I've always
wanted to say that.
421
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:11,639
[laughs]
- Wait, where's Dina?
422
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:14,032
- Oh, no, she's not here.
423
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,466
I guess we'll
have to reschedule.
424
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:18,252
- No, we can--we'll wait.
- Oh.
425
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,429
- So are we talking
broken condom,
426
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,388
or a pull and pray situation?
427
00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:29,607
- Can we not talk about that?
- Sure.
428
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,137
Sure, sure.
429
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,660
What do you think
Alex is gonna say
430
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,443
when he finds out you're
pregnant with Adam's baby?
431
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,878
- Let's not talk
about that either.
432
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:37,534
- Okay, all right.
433
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,062
Are you gonna
get an abortion?
434
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,712
- How about we just
listen to the radio?
435
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,706
Oh, right, no radio.
436
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,798
- Look, we can ride in silence.
That is fine by me.
437
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:49,717
I just needed to know if I
should head towards the clinic.
438
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,510
The abortion clinic.
439
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,993
For an abortion.
440
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:57,341
- No.
441
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,860
Let's not head
to the abortion clinic.
442
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,564
- You're sure?
443
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,823
- Yeah.
444
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:07,606
- Hey, Siri, cancel route.
445
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:10,091
- Okay,
I've stopped navigating.
446
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:18,661
- Enough waiting!
[excited grunting]
447
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:23,360
- It's white.
What does that mean?
448
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,886
- Maybe you guys
are having a white baby.
449
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:28,540
- That's awesome.
Congratulations!
450
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,145
- Garrett said that he was
gonna take care of
451
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,886
the gender reveal, so we
just got a regular cake.
452
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,717
I made the melon baby.
453
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,635
- Garrett, what is it?
454
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,210
- Uh, I don't know.
- What?
455
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,990
- I mean, I--
I mean, I don't know.
456
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:47,295
You don't know.
The doctor doesn't even know.
457
00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:50,173
I mean, what is gender,
anyway, right?
458
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,516
It's just a construct.
I mean, look around.
459
00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:55,176
We got a football,
you got ballet.
460
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,271
You guys are writing
this baby's code
461
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,920
before it even comes out!
462
00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:02,013
You're perpetuating
gender stereotypes!
463
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,973
How about we let this kid
figure out its own gender?
464
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:06,323
[scoffs]
465
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,282
You guys should
be ashamed of yourselves.
466
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:13,538
- It's just that things
were finally back on track.
467
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:14,587
You know?
468
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:17,201
Like, I was dating
someone nice.
469
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,773
Emma's almost out of the house,
470
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:22,419
and I was gonna
get out there and have fun.
471
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,815
You know, I was gonna
take skydiving lessons.
472
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,899
- Well, you have an excuse
not to do it now.
473
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,988
- What are you talking about?
I was gonna do it.
474
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,777
- Mm-hmm.
- I visited the website
475
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,211
like five times.
- Yeah, what's the name
476
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,038
of the place?
477
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:36,515
- [stammers]
Captain Rick's...
478
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,216
Skydiving...
479
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,094
Bonanza.
- Mm-hmm.
480
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,215
- Fine, the point is,
I wanted the option
481
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,398
to take the
skydiving lessons, you know?
482
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:46,234
I wanted to be able
to be spontaneous
483
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,492
and do what I wanted
to do for once, you know?
484
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:51,665
All of the stuff that I'd...
[groans]
485
00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:53,372
Who cares,
doesn't matter anymore.
486
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,409
- Listen, if you ask me,
487
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:57,935
you can always find a reason
not to do anything.
488
00:19:57,979 --> 00:20:01,809
And if there is stuff
you want to do,
489
00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:03,422
do that stuff.
490
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:06,812
- Yeah.
491
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:09,597
Maybe.
I don't know.
492
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:11,993
- Have you ever
played laser tag?
493
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:14,466
Oh, it is awesome.
494
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,607
They tell you not to run,
but you can run.
495
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,300
You can.
496
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:21,307
[classic rock music playing]
497
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:28,400
♪
498
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,838
- Hey.
- Hey.
499
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,322
- What happened here?
500
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:36,672
- Oh, you know how crazy
gender reveal parties get.
501
00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:37,893
- Yeah.
502
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,672
- [Italian accent]
There was so much Chianti,
503
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:43,936
and the mozzarell' and
the unlimited bread-a sticks.
504
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:45,111
[chuckles]
505
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:46,676
["Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie]
506
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,603
♪ We like dancing
and we look divine ♪
507
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,990
♪ You love bands
when they're playing hard ♪
508
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:58,165
♪ You want more
and you want it torn ♪
509
00:20:58,213 --> 00:21:01,523
♪ They put you down,
they say I'm wrong ♪
510
00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:05,614
♪ You tacky thing,
you put them on ♪
511
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:09,175
♪ Rebel rebel,
you've torn your dress ♪
512
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:13,274
♪ Rebel rebel,
your face is a mess ♪
513
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,797
- I, uh--
- I'm pregnant.
514
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,760
- ♪ Hot tramp, I love you so
39570
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