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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,495
.
2
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:02,235
["The Benny Hill Show" Theme]
3
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:07,137
[laughter]
4
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:09,605
- This never gets old.
- Why are you doing this?
5
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,513
- Because this job is
incredibly boring.
6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,615
- So, Kelly, do you,
like, hate Amy now?
7
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,118
- What? No.
8
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,120
This was before I even
started working here...
9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,052
- Yes.
- And--and it was just a kiss.
10
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,458
- Yes, exactly.
Thank you, Kelly.
11
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,320
- Uh-oh...
12
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,787
looks like we got ourselves
a catfight.
13
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,396
Amy frenched her man,
14
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,328
and now they're gonna
throw down.
15
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,633
- How did you get there from--
16
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:34,544
- [meowing]
17
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:38,238
- [meowing]
18
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:41,412
[upbeat music]
19
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,142
*
20
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,307
[slow instrumental music]
21
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,276
- So, then I go,
"I'm undocumented,"
22
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,275
and then Jeff goes,
"That's why you dumped me?"
23
00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,787
And I go, "Yeah,"
and he goes, "Whoa,"
24
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,419
and I go, "Mm-hmm."
25
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,424
- And what'd he go?
- He was...weird.
26
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,187
He said he didn't know
what to do and he just left.
27
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,397
I mean, what if he hates me?
28
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,429
- He doesn't hate you.
- He might.
29
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,274
For all I know,
he's reported me by now.
30
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,269
- I'm sure he didn't.
If he did, then,
31
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,571
you know,
a bunch of guys in uniform
32
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,172
would've busted in here by now
all like,
33
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,174
"Everyone, down on the ground!
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,206
Black-bag that guy
and throw him in the van."
35
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,282
Soldiers would pop
out of the ceiling,
36
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,580
and just start
pounding on you,
37
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,311
like, knee to the face,
knee to the head,
38
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:20,877
crotch-punch, crotch-punch!
39
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,524
And then, you'd probably
get sent to Guantanamo.
40
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:24,591
- Uh-huh.
41
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:28,118
[stammers] Probably.
42
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,856
- Man, how weird are sponges?
43
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:33,190
[Muzak playing over radio]
44
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,597
- You guys looking for condoms?
45
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,199
They're right here.
- Shut up, Corey.
46
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,802
You know I have the power
to fire you.
47
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,874
- Do you?
- I don't know.
48
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,313
I'm just so annoyed
with everybody
49
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,838
and this stupid video.
50
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,343
- It'll pass.
51
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,305
You remember Robin
with that whole sexting thing?
52
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,184
Nobody even mentions it
anymore.
53
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,853
- Robin killed himself.
54
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,181
- Oh...
55
00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,347
Still, though.
- Uh-oh.
56
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,346
Back to the scene of the crime,
you guys.
57
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,288
- [imitates erotic bass music]
58
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,364
That's porn music,
it's not "Seinfeld."
59
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,163
- We get it. Point taken.
60
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,355
- Yeah, you really zinged us.
- You really zinged each other.
61
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:11,867
- [laughs] You should write
for Craig Ferguson.
62
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,499
- Just ignore it.
- That's what I'm doing.
63
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,404
- You guys looking
for the condoms?
64
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,306
- Corey already said that.
65
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,868
- Hey, Corey,
you stole my condom joke.
66
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,407
*
67
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,643
- I just keep thinking about
68
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,477
Jonah and Amy
kissing each other.
69
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,223
- Okay...
are you imagining
70
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,618
that you're the Jonah
or you're the Amy?
71
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,749
- What? No.
I mean, Amy was married.
72
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,754
I thought they were
both good people,
73
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,216
and then--and then they--
74
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,555
they still wound up
committing adultery.
75
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:36,889
- I don't know
why you're so shocked.
76
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,464
People are basically
just monsters
77
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,392
hiding behind the thin veneer
of social convention.
78
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,558
- Oh, come on.
I mean, uh, yeah, sure,
79
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,526
there's a few Naughty Nathans
out there,
80
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,265
but most people
are basically good.
81
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,501
- I watch security footage
82
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,836
of people who don't know
they're on camera.
83
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,670
Do you have any idea
how many customers
84
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,405
have taken poops
on the floor of the store
85
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,711
because they think
they're alone?
86
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,782
- I don't wanna know!
87
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,980
Is it zero?
- 17.
88
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,782
- Well, that's on me
for asking.
89
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,354
- People are monsters.
90
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,783
Take away the threat
of punishment,
91
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,617
and you'd be horrified by
what people admitted to doing.
92
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,461
One of you has committed
a serious malfeasance,
93
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,491
and I'm not talking
about Amy's adultery.
94
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,856
- All right,
"adultery" is a strong word.
95
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,355
- Heck yeah it is.
96
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,867
- What I'm talking about
is something else.
97
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,398
This is a fireable offense.
[people murmuring]
98
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,304
- However, we're giving
that person one chance.
99
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,367
You come forward today,
admit what you did,
100
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,806
and we will forget everything.
101
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,380
- Okay, but how do we know
if the thing that we did
102
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,410
is the thing
you're talking about?
103
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,545
- That's why anyone
who comes to us today
104
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,321
and admits to doing
something wrong
105
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,719
will be granted full amnesty.
106
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,321
- How do we know
if you tell you something,
107
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,923
you're not gonna,
you know, call Corporate
108
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,024
or the government or something?
- Yeah, sounds like a trap.
109
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,727
- No, I promise,
you will not be punished,
110
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,960
I swear on the--
on the grave of my father.
111
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,927
[dissatisfied murmuring]
112
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,465
- I swear on my birds.
113
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,641
- Okay.
- Oh, wow.
114
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,609
- She does love birds.
- Yeah.
115
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,608
- * You don't belong
116
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,682
* We're not gonna take it
117
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,682
* No, we ain't gonna take--
118
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,884
- What do you think
someone did?
119
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,386
- I don't know.
- Who do you think did it?
120
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:14,389
- Still don't know.
- When do you think it even--
121
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,932
- I don't have any more
information than you do.
122
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,358
- Man, I just wish I had known
123
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,593
that they were
giving out amnesty.
124
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,028
I would've broken a rule.
125
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,562
- Hold on a second...
126
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,927
we have till the end of the day
to confess, right?
127
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,636
- Yeah.
128
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,538
- I think we may have stumbled
onto a "Purge"-type situation.
129
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,370
We can break one rule today
with no consequences.
130
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,576
- Oh... like,
we could wear hats.
131
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,808
That's against dress code.
132
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,513
- Okay, so you could do
anything you want,
133
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,345
and you wanna waste it
on a hat?
134
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,580
- Okay, um...
how 'bout we steal a boat?
135
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,776
- Well, we don't sell boats,
136
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,517
but I like that
you're thinking bigger.
137
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,453
- Right.
138
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,387
Also, I just remembered,
I get kinda seasick,
139
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,662
so the boat thing is
definitely a no-go.
140
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,761
- Okay, well, we were never
gonna do the boat thing,
141
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,503
but cool.
- Okay.
142
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,698
- Hey, Jeff, um, third call.
143
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,630
Just still really wanting
to see how you were feeling
144
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,096
about the whole
undocumented thing,
145
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,104
or if you're mad at me or not,
146
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,836
of if you told anyone
or didn't,
147
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,072
or would or wouldn't.
148
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,806
I--
149
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,081
Sorry, this weird lady's
looking at me.
150
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,611
- Well, it's been over an hour
151
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,846
and not one employee
has confessed,
152
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,722
and I found a dollar
on the floor,
153
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,420
so eat peas.
- Ooh, an American dollar?
154
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,523
It's all cryptocurrency now,
ya dino.
155
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,085
- Can someone please
open a register?
156
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,833
I have kind of
a shrimp emergency.
157
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,358
- All the registers
should be open.
158
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,964
- Well, I'm not being dramatic.
159
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,095
My wife is gonna murder me.
160
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,100
- Where is everyone?
161
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,872
- All right,
let's all take a number.
162
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,102
We're gonna get to everyone.
[chuckles]
163
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:42,880
.
164
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:43,740
- So, um, I might have
done something wrong,
165
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,608
but, um, I'm not sure
166
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,147
if it's the same thing
you guys are talking about.
167
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,551
- Well, why don't you just
tell us what it is?
168
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:51,794
- Then we'll tell you
if your thing
169
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:52,989
is the same thing
we're talking about.
170
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,520
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh...
171
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,486
why don't you tell me
your thing first,
172
00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:00,555
then I'll say if it's
the same thing as...my thing?
173
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,134
I mean, that sounds
better to me.
174
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,902
- How 'bout this, you tell us
the first letter of your thing,
175
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,101
and then we'll know
if we're on the same page.
176
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,643
- Okay, fine.
177
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:11,669
Um, the letter "U"?
- Yes, "U."
178
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,165
The thing we know about
also starts with "U."
179
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,577
- Okay, now give me
the second letter,
180
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,139
and then we can just
go back and forth.
181
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,707
- Just tell us what you know!
- You tell me what you know!
182
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,506
- Utah!
183
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:23,418
- Hey. What are you doing?
184
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,051
- Eating my lunch.
185
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,015
Trying to stay away
from all the looks
186
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,794
and the comments and...
- Yeah.
187
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,562
- Kinda tired of telling people
to mind their own business.
188
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,592
- So, I know this may
come as a surprise,
189
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,127
but I actually got teased a lot
in middle school.
190
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,573
- [gasps] No.
191
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,598
- Yeah, I don't know
if it was the rattail
192
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,033
or the eighth grade talent show
193
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,638
where I did
a Bossa Nova rendition
194
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,770
of "Material Girl"
on alto sax...
195
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,205
- That. It was that.
196
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,639
- But the moment
I stopped fighting it
197
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:51,546
and--and actually just
laughed along with them,
198
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,549
it wasn't fun for them anymore.
- Mm.
199
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,451
- They started teasing
this fat kid instead,
200
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:58,693
which, long story short,
he's a male model now.
201
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,959
- Wow. You're really
the hero of that story.
202
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,689
- I guess so.
203
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:07,234
- Uh-oh, hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
204
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,800
- What is that?
205
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:10,960
- Sex.
206
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,168
- No, it's not.
207
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,870
I think you mean this.
208
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:19,865
- Oh, like this?
- Yeah, there you go.
209
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,577
- Oh...
210
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,979
- This is nice.
211
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,211
- Okay, so, I'm the one
212
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,575
who's been stealing
the shopping carts,
213
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,884
uh, but they're not for me.
214
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,615
I give 'em to the homeless.
215
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,790
- Tha--that's not too bad!
- I just give 'em the carts.
216
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,489
They do the battling
on their own.
217
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:36,192
- What? Battling?
218
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,693
- I've been smoking weed
in the stock room
219
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,055
on Wednesdays and Fridays.
- What?
220
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,732
- Right under our noses.
How awful.
221
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,131
- And on Mondays and Thursdays,
I just drink.
222
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,533
And on Saturdays,
223
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,825
I go to the Cinnabon
and go nuts.
224
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,767
It's so good.
225
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,741
- I stole a pack of
Sour Cherry Bubblicious.
226
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,972
- Well, that's not too bad.
- I liked the Sour Cherry,
227
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:58,677
because it reminded me of
a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra.
228
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,722
My uncle Frank worked
for the Jollytime Factory.
229
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,920
- It's this new web series
thing I'm working on.
230
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,762
The elevator pitch is
bum fights on crack.
231
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,758
- So, you know how me
and Carol hate each other--
232
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:12,630
well, I hate her.
Actually, she looks up to me.
233
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,260
Anyway, I paid four different
guys to come into the store
234
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,665
and ask her out
and then never show up.
235
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:19,569
- Nice.
236
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,970
- I've been doing things
to Sandra's lunch.
237
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,772
[cover of The Sugarhill Gang's
"Apache (Jump on It)"]
238
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,174
- An electrical spark
at the factory
239
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,306
ignited the corn starch,
240
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,981
causing a big explosion
on the third floor--
241
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,152
maybe it was the fourth floor.
242
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,821
- What floor did
Uncle Frank work on?
243
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,179
- The fourth floor!
- No!
244
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,647
- Oh, gosh.
- Yes.
245
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,286
- So, you film homeless people
246
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,220
smashing each other
with our carts?
247
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,855
- Sometimes, I'll just
give one of 'em a cart
248
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,291
and the other a stick
or a trashcan lid.
249
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,726
It's barbaric.
250
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,631
- What is happening
in this store?
251
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,033
- Aw, it's not just this store,
it's the whole world.
252
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,325
Now, you just keep
that same face right there...
253
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,097
- Huh?
[camera shutter clicks]
254
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,936
- That is going on my wall
255
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,811
right next to the picture of me
with the guy who played Balki.
256
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:01,741
- Bronson Pinchot.
257
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,935
- I don't know
what you're saying to me.
258
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,747
- There's that hat rule:
"not allowed."
259
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,680
- Okay, we're not
just hatting this.
260
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,916
There has to be something
in-between maiming someone
261
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,921
and putting on a fedora.
262
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,763
- "Employees should avoid
discussing racial issues,
263
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,729
"including positive comments
such as,
264
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,599
"'I for one am proud of
this Mexican's achievements.'"
265
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,929
- Most of this stuff
is stuff I don't wanna do
266
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,034
or doesn't even apply.
267
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:28,195
"A female employee's skirt
shall start below the knee,
268
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,265
and her bosom shall be
fully covered"?
269
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,173
- That's a rule?
- Yeah.
270
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,965
- Most days,
I don't even wear underwear,
271
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,107
mainly 'cause mentioning that
gets me free donuts
272
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,353
from whoever's working café.
273
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,278
- Couldn't you just
lie about that?
274
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,853
- They would know.
275
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,653
I would know.
276
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,160
- Hey, you okay?
Guy trouble is not fun.
277
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,959
- Oh, uh, yeah, thanks,
278
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,931
but Jonah and I are--
we're totally fine.
279
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,001
- Oh, that's great.
280
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,398
Well, I just want you to know
I have your back.
281
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,270
- That's really sweet.
282
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,739
- Should we do something
to Amy's car?
283
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:02,839
- What?
284
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:05,140
- Or wait...
she has a daughter, right?
285
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:08,382
Oh, she loves that daughter.
286
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,038
- Yeah, I--I like
her daughter too.
287
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,848
- It's always gonna be
people like us
288
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,950
against the Amy's
and the Sandra's of the world.
289
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:19,193
We're the same.
You and I are the same.
290
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,319
- Yep. [chuckles]
291
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,794
- Careful.
- Oh--
292
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,792
- Oh, hey.
293
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:31,227
Do you guys want us to
leave you alone with this bed?
294
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,804
Yeah?
[laughter]
295
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,444
- Um, you know what,
Corey, yes.
296
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,009
Could you hit the lights
on your way out?
297
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,038
'Cause we were just
about to have a nooner.
298
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,213
- Yeah, unless, you know,
anybody wants to stick around
299
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,782
and--and film all the banging
that we're gonna do.
300
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,452
- That's a good idea.
- Oh, did you hear that?
301
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,779
They said they were gonna bang.
- Admitted it.
302
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,046
- Oh, yeah,
bangin' and proud of it.
303
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:54,094
Watch out, Cloud 9's about
to get real hot up in here!
304
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,461
- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh!
305
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,988
[both grunting rhythmically]
306
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,864
- It's not fun
when you're into it.
307
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,232
- Come on, you guys,
you're being annoying now.
308
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:01,430
- You know,
what's annoying is being around
309
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,431
this hottie all day long
310
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,803
and just not getting
to make out.
311
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,843
- You know, it's like
our lips are magnets.
312
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,738
Every time we see each other,
it's like, "Hi, Jonah..."
313
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,110
- "Whoa-oh-oh, oh, my God,
can't control my lips.
314
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,139
Uh-oh"--[chuckles]
- "Uh-oh! Watch out!"
315
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,884
[funky music
playing over radio]
316
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,479
- That--that was an accident...
317
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,350
- We didn't mean to do that.
- But you--yeah.
318
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,279
Yeah, because
you were going in...
319
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:24,354
- Guys, something
just happened!
320
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,124
*
321
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:31,161
.
322
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:31,791
- But we didn't actually kiss.
323
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,856
The whole thing just got
blown out of proportion.
324
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,925
- But your lips were
touching her lips--
325
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:40,074
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it--
it's--it's like CPR, you know?
326
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,940
If--if--if you're giving
someone CPR,
327
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,269
are you kissing them?
- Were you giving her CPR?
328
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,214
- No, no, look, we were just
pretending we wanted to kiss,
329
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:51,810
okay, so that people would stop
saying we wanted to kiss.
330
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,245
That sounds stupid.
331
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,220
[instrumental cover of
a-ha's "Take On Me"]
332
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,420
- [sighs]
333
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,322
I mean...seriously?
334
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,785
- This is all Sandra.
335
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,494
- I'm taking
a Learning Annex course.
336
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,295
*
337
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,128
- It's impressive.
338
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:15,073
*
339
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,472
- Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.
340
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,274
- Uh, Glenn,
before we get started,
341
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,206
I just wanted to say
that I'm wearing a hat,
342
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,781
which I know is
against the rules.
343
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,950
And boom! Amnesty.
- Ok--okay.
344
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,049
Uh, as you all know,
from time to time,
345
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,521
we have a guest speaker...
346
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,249
- We've literally
never done that.
347
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:35,264
- So...I would like to
introduce you to Pastor Craig.
348
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,318
- You know the rules
about religion at work.
349
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,557
- And I get amnesty today,
350
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,131
so why don't you go
kiss a table?
351
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,560
There is something wrong
with the souls
352
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,865
of the people who work here...
- Amen.
353
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,498
- And I am not just
gonna stand back
354
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,903
and let this place become
Times Square, New York City!
355
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,537
- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.
356
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,071
Pastor Craig?
- Mm.
357
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,836
- They're all yours.
- All right.
358
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,875
Hmm...
359
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,384
- All right, man, what is this?
What are you doing to us?
360
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:08,292
Stop it!
- What's your name, Miss?
361
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,891
- Justine.
362
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,493
- Well, Justine...
363
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,155
I love you.
364
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:17,034
- I love you too.
- I love all of you, all right?
365
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,834
And I don't care
what you've done.
366
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:23,197
God hates the sin,
367
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,536
but he loves the sinner.
- [high-pitched grunt]
368
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,182
- Example: Sandra...
369
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,308
Who is Sandra? Where is, uh...
370
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,613
All right.
371
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,254
Now, Sandra, it--it says here
372
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:38,091
that you wanna kill
a coworker named Carol.
373
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,193
- Yeah.
374
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,361
- Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand.
375
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:47,330
When I'm frustrated,
I wanna wring someone's neck.
376
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,500
- Exactly. Wring it hard.
377
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:51,159
- So, what do you do?
378
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,328
What do you do when that
feeling comes over you?
379
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:59,007
- Well, I...put on a hoodie
that covers my face.
380
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,069
Then I take the 47 bus line
381
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,438
to a library
in a far-away town.
382
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:07,146
Then I open a private browser
on one of their computers,
383
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,080
and Google how I'm thinking
of killing her
384
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,846
to see what mistakes
people usually make.
385
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,191
- Jesus.
386
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:19,363
[Vengaboys' "We Like to Party"
playing on TV]
387
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:23,902
*
388
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,231
All right,
everybody blow it out.
389
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,095
Come on, blow it out.
[all exhale sharply]
390
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,444
- [coughing]
- Blow out the sin!
391
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,239
[all exhaling]
392
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,371
Blow it on out.
Blow it on out.
393
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,506
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
you feel that?
394
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,683
I think it just got
a little lighter in here.
395
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,981
- I felt it, big time.
396
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,254
- Hallelujah.
397
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,992
So, keep breathing,
blow out those sins,
398
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,958
and forgive yourself.
399
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,318
All right, Amen.
400
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,156
All right, so,
I think, we're good here.
401
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,191
Uh, do you guys sell those
tire air-pressure tester--
402
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,426
what do you call those things,
the small--
403
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,131
- No, no, that's it?
- Tire gauge.
404
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,303
- Yes, thank you.
I need a tire gauge.
405
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,301
- I told ya,
you take away the punishment,
406
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,173
you find out
what people really are.
407
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,942
- Wait, what?
What are you talking about?
408
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,941
- There was no
fireable offense.
409
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,673
Dina said that
people were monsters,
410
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,707
and as a Christian, I wanted
to prove that they weren't.
411
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,453
- Actually,
we Christians believe
412
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:13,679
that all people are sinners.
413
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,083
It's, uh--it's kind of
our whole thing.
414
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,015
- So, wait,
Jeff didn't say anything?
415
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,220
- Why? What would
Jeff have said?
416
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,421
- [laughs]
I don't know, he's a liar.
417
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,593
I mean, he's always
lying about stuff, so...
418
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,722
- But Dina was right.
419
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,557
We are all monsters,
420
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,433
who love to watch bum fights
421
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,961
or put gross stuff
in each other's lunches.
422
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,628
- Oh, I know that Carol
messes with my lunch.
423
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,096
That's why I always
make a decoy lunch.
424
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,306
- You don't think I know
about the decoy lunch?
425
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:41,338
- And even Amy and Jonah--
you had an affair.
426
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,514
- Glenn, it wasn't an affair,
it was one kiss,
427
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,384
and it happened because we
thought we were about to die.
428
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,384
- We all thought
we were gonna die.
429
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:53,216
You didn't see me smooching the
first lady person I could find.
430
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,623
- Weren't you praying to Allah
the whole time?
431
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,055
- Yes.
- Oh.
432
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,460
- What--no, I didn't--
- Glenn...
433
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,731
- [stammers] I am not
the one on trial here.
434
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,460
- You know what,
nobody's on trial, okay?
435
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,055
- Nobody.
- We all make mistakes.
436
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,427
We all have lust in our hearts.
437
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,265
- That wasn't lust.
- I wouldn't say lust.
438
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,600
- Well, I'm sorry, I don't know
you guys that well.
439
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,195
Maybe you're in love then.
440
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,737
- No. We're not in love.
- No, definitely not love.
441
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,371
- So you say,
442
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:16,036
but Lord, I'm sensing something
going on right here.
443
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,176
Y'all feel that?
- Ooh!
444
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,610
- Right up there.
Y'all feel that?
445
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,245
Something good...
- Great, this again. Woo-hoo.
446
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:24,751
- No, uh, actually,
we're--we're dating, so...
447
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,694
- Oh, uh, tire gauge girl.
448
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,419
Okay.
449
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:32,055
- So, what is it, guys?
Is it love or lust?
450
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,692
- All right, guys,
enough is enough.
451
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,356
- It doesn't matter.
452
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,395
Even if they were soul mates,
it doesn't make it okay.
453
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,771
- Look, Amy is not
my soul mate, okay?
454
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,341
Yes, fine, uh,
455
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:46,740
when I first started
working here years ago,
456
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:49,143
I--I had a little crush on Amy.
457
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,736
There, I said it.
Okay? Are you happy?
458
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,408
- Exactly. And at one point,
459
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,746
I had a crush on Jonah,
and that's all in the past.
460
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,152
- Exactly.
461
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,654
Wait, what did--you--
when did you--
462
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,786
did--what--you--yeah--no.
463
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,261
Never mind. Doesn't matter,
doesn't matter,
464
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,620
because if--even if we--
465
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,227
because it--with the timing
and everything, it's--
466
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,730
yeah, so, you get it.
467
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,431
So...stop. [scoffs]
468
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,802
- He didn't know.
- Do you still love each other?
469
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,107
- Wh--What?
- No! We never--
470
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,610
[stammers]--we've moved on.
471
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,252
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
472
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,408
And, you know--
and--[stammers]--
473
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,277
anyway, it--it--
it doesn't matter, bec--
474
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,246
we've--we've all, you know--
475
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,524
and--and--and besides,
you know, I've--[chuckles]--
476
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,823
I'm with--I've got--
I'm with, um...
477
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,355
- Kelly.
- I'm with Kelly.
478
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,330
Yeah, no, I--I--
I know your name, obviously.
479
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,329
- Guys, this is amazing.
- Yeah.
480
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,831
- Yeah, I'm generally a cynic,
481
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,402
but this? Wow.
482
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,372
- She didn't know
that he didn't know,
483
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,271
and now he knows
that she knows--
484
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:56,706
.
485
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:57,743
- So, do you guys think he
should be with Kelly or Amy?
486
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,646
- I'm kind of Team Amy now.
- Yeah.
487
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,280
- I'm with you.
I'm fully shipping them.
488
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,575
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
489
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,116
- Oh, hey, Ame.
490
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,423
'Sup?
491
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:10,264
- Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
492
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,820
- [mumbles]
493
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,728
- We're--we're just having
normal workplace conversations.
494
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,160
all: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
495
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,355
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure.
496
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,726
- Yep. How are you doing
with everything?
497
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,895
- There it is. You know me.
498
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,873
Struggling to keep it
in my pants.
499
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,242
With Jonah roaming
around here somewhere,
500
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,442
I'm just like,
"Give it to me, Jonah."
501
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:28,914
[light laughter]
- That's a good one.
502
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:29,781
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
503
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,709
- Yep, gonna go find him now
504
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,354
and just, like, do him,
you know?
505
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:38,591
Soft lines? More like
hard lines. [chuckles]
506
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,288
Get it?
507
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,890
[Muzak playing over radio]
508
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,792
- [exhales] Watching your
world view get shattered
509
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,855
has been the highlight
of my year,
510
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,734
and that includes meeting
that Balki guy.
511
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,732
- Bronson Pinchot.
- What does that mean?
512
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,474
- Hey, guys, I'm taking off.
513
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,740
- Garrett--[inhales, exhales]--
let's get this over with.
514
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,809
- Get what over with?
- What did you do?
515
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,808
Did you make two nuns
fight a prostitute?
516
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,310
Broil a child?
- Nah, I didn't do anything.
517
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,714
I'm very, very sorry to say,
518
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,645
but, uh, I haven't
broken any rules.
519
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,480
- Really? So, you've never
gotten stoned at work
520
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,787
or--or hit golf balls
off the checkout?
521
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,319
You've never taken
a video game home,
522
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,525
played it, repackaged it,
and put it back on the shelf?
523
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:19,928
- No.
524
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,559
I mean, those are all things
I probably could've done,
525
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,634
but did not.
526
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,903
*
527
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:28,341
- Garrett...
you little rule follower.
528
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,768
*
529
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,672
I found a good one!
530
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,874
*
531
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,477
- His ability to delude himself
532
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,279
is the only impressive thing
about him.
533
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,911
- I think I was just
disoriented in the moment,
534
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:43,476
but I am not cool
with him kissing my head.
535
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,746
- Hey.
536
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,985
- Kelly.
- Uh--yes, I know your--
537
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:53,831
Look, uh, I was just flustered,
you know, back there.
538
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,360
- Yeah, sure.
Well, it's very flustering
539
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,866
when you find out that the girl
you like likes you back.
540
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,869
- No, no, I just--[stammers]--
541
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,701
everything just got
blown out of proportion.
542
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,366
- Let me ask you this,
543
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,665
if--if your crush had timed out
with Amy's crush,
544
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,277
would we be together right now?
- Yes.
545
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,680
- Really?
- Really.
546
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,351
Look, I don't want this whole
Amy thing to set us back.
547
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,751
I wanna--
548
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,752
I wanna move forward with you.
549
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:20,845
- Like move in together?
550
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,817
- Yeah. [chuckles]
Why not?
551
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,556
I mean, if--if you want to.
552
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,792
Do--do you want to?
553
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,596
- Do--well, sure, yeah.
554
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,029
I mean, I would--yeah.
555
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,174
- Yeah, great, okay.
556
00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:35,799
Cool, then we're doing it.
We're--we're living together.
557
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,665
- Oh. Uh--[chuckles]
- All right.
558
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:40,674
[both laughing]
559
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,737
*
560
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:45,445
- [sighs] Chad, it's Mateo.
561
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,318
Do--I know I've said
some horrible things about you
562
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,718
in the comments
of your Instagram,
563
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,649
but, you know,
I can't find Jeff,
564
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,354
and I've been calling
the office--
565
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,786
- I quit my job.
566
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:58,462
- Uh, Chad,
I'm gonna call you back.
567
00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:01,731
Uh, probably not, actually.
568
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,001
Jeff...
- You wanna get a drink?
569
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:06,531
*
570
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,966
- Sure.
571
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,341
Nice shirt.
- You think?
572
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,611
It's the one Matt Damon wore
573
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:13,909
at the end of
"The Bourne Identity."
574
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,580
- [chuckles] That's so cool.
575
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,349
- Right on.
576
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,908
I can return it,
if you don't like it.
42453