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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:07,800 Cheers. 2 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,160 Oh. 3 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,560 - Well... - Oh, well. 4 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,920 You wanna... 5 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,440 Ooh-ee. 6 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,560 Ah... Oh. 7 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,520 You haven't started, um...? 8 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,880 Are you going on a date after this? 9 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,440 No. God, no. 10 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,400 I just thought that after what we talked about last week... 11 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,840 Oh, I'm sorry about that. 12 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,840 - No, you were right. - No, it was a bit of a rant. 13 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,640 I deserved it. 14 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,120 I told you your unemployment was unsexy. 15 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,520 - You told me I was unsexy. - I didn't say that. 16 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,040 You did. I listened to it again. 17 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,360 What? How? 18 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,280 I've been recording the sessions. 19 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,280 Seriously? You've been recording the sessions and listening back? 20 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,800 Yes. I put my phone on the table before the second session. 21 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,920 Kenyon asked if you were OK with it. You said yes. 22 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,600 Oh. I thought she was asking 23 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,600 if I was OK with you putting your phone on the table. 24 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:18,880 That would have been weird. 25 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,320 Not as weird as you recording the sessions. 26 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,520 - When do you listen to them? - They're good for dog walking. 27 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,040 I mean, actually, they're pretty gripping. 28 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,920 Like BBC radio drama kind of thing? 29 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,000 Yes, except there are some credibility gaps, like, 30 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,240 "Wow, these two would never get together in real life." 31 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,120 Ha. 32 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,400 Yeah, well, that's the beauty of real life, isn't it? 33 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,280 - We did get together. - Yes, I was aware of that. 34 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,520 I'm just saying it... 35 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,360 it was a plot point I didn't really believe. 36 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,080 The real world can be beautifully unpredictable. 37 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,120 And here we are, two wonderful children. 38 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,480 - You're not wishing those away? - No, of course not. 39 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,680 It's just, maybe we should have had two wonderful children 40 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,920 with other people. 41 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,400 What, four wonderful children who have never met each other? 42 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,240 Oh, the thought of that just breaks my heart. 43 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,080 Why? Why would you care if they didn't know each other? 44 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,800 They'd sort of be half-brothers, wouldn't they? 45 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,560 Well, they might not all be boys 46 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,760 and they absolutely would not be related. 47 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,440 Oh, I think they would, spiritually. 48 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,080 So, do you think our children are related 49 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,280 to what's-her-name's children? What's her name, your ex? 50 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,680 - Sinead? - No, of course not. 51 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,080 You might have had children with her. 52 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,440 That was never on the cards. 53 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,360 You're just jumping in and out of fantasy worlds 54 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,120 to suit your argument. 55 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,040 No, I just happen to be more sentimentally attached 56 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,560 to the children that we never had 57 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,440 than the children I never had with her. 58 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,480 I'm romantic like that, so shoot me. 59 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,880 So, why did we get together if it was all so unlikely? 60 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,400 Because I was going through a dry spell. 61 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,800 That's it? 62 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,640 You asked why we got together, not why we stayed together. 63 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,320 Did you have long-term designs the night we met? 64 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,160 Yes, yes, 65 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,640 but the long-term turned into the short-term pretty quickly. 66 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,360 Because I was so easy, you mean? 67 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,280 Agreeable, I'd say, rather than easy. 68 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,360 And then no plan? 69 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,080 Not no plan, just same plan. 70 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,600 Just... 71 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,040 Right. Isn't that how most people get together? 72 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,280 They want to end a dry spell 73 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,400 and everything sort of gets out of hand? 74 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,360 I suppose, unless there's money involved. 75 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,600 I can't imagine that massive-breasted woman 76 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,560 who married the billionaire was worried about a dry spell. 77 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,800 And Jane. Jane said she knew she was gonna marry Charlie 78 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,320 the first time she saw him. 79 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,640 And then there's people who are friends for a long time 80 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:33,640 before they fall in love. 81 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,840 And arranged marriages. 82 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,080 But, like you say, yes, 83 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,360 a lot of people start with sex and go from there. 84 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,720 I don't know, it's like starting in a new job. 85 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,480 One day follows another and... 86 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,040 20 years later you're still there 87 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,720 but you can't know on your first day. 88 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,880 No, otherwise you'd shoot yourself. 89 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,280 If it was a boring job. 90 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,800 Do you remember anything about the first time we had sex? 91 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,440 Yes, of course. 92 00:03:58,560 --> 00:03:59,480 Really? 93 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,880 - I can't. - No, neither can I. 94 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,920 I mean, I remember there was some disappointment, I think. 95 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,920 I was hoping you'd forgotten about that. 96 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,480 That's why I wanted to give it another go. 97 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,880 I didn't think it was fair to judge you on that one time. 98 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,200 - Ditto. - Oh, right. 99 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,400 What did I do wrong? 100 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,600 No, just... It was a bit... lackluster. 101 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,120 Oh, so it's all coming back to you now? 102 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,920 I don't remember everything. I just remember you were... 103 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,240 medium, six out of ten. 104 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:31,040 6.5 maybe. Let's say two-thirds. Me? 105 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,400 Well, it was basically a no-jump, wasn't it? 106 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,240 Or a... a let, so I don't think I can really give you a score. 107 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,280 Let's stop talking about this. It was 15 years ago. 108 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,480 We've moved on to better things. 109 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,160 And back again like a pleasure cruiser. 110 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,920 Well, maybe that's the trajectory of married sex. 111 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:50,240 It's just once around the rocks to see the seals and then home. 112 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,680 Around the rocks to look at the seals? 113 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,400 The dolphins or whatever. 114 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,080 When were the dolphin years? 115 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,520 You know what I mean. 116 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,280 - Not really. - Yeah. 117 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,600 I remember some... 118 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,640 marine escapades before the children came along 119 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,160 on kitchen tables and whatnot. 120 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,800 What, the kitchen table being the dolphin? 121 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,800 Yes, and the shower and the garden. 122 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,440 And didn't we do something on the... 123 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,440 No, we didn't, did we? No. 124 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,560 - What were you thinking of? - No, nothing. 125 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,800 It wasn't recently, was it, with your friend? 126 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,880 No! God, no, of course not. 127 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,120 Why "of course not"? 128 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,520 Because we're... 129 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,920 Do you really wanna go into this? 130 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,960 I don't know. Kind of. 131 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,280 I'm terrified but I'm curious. 132 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,080 Because it was... 133 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,840 It was just sex. There was no dolphins or seals. 134 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,160 - But blindfolds. - No. 135 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,080 Why would you ask me about blindfolds? 136 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,680 Have you wanted me to wear a blindfold all these years? 137 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,840 - No. Not really. - Not really? 138 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,880 Not a blindfold as such. 139 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,160 Can you draw this thing if it's complicated? 140 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,640 I mean, I could try and knit one if it helps. 141 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,200 God, you must be bored. 142 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,840 - Are you? - You first. 143 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,640 Well, God, it's hardly the time to ask me, is it? 144 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,200 I'm bored with nothing at all, that's for sure. 145 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,240 What if I'd asked you a year ago? 146 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,800 You didn't. 147 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,600 And now you just don't wanna answer hypothetical questions? 148 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,160 Why don't we just say it? I mean, we were both bored. 149 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,920 It's... 150 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,520 It's become less and less important to us 151 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,080 and then you packed it in and then everything went wrong. 152 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,200 Isn't that right? 153 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,640 No. 154 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,960 - What have I got wrong? - Well, I was never bored. 155 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,000 But I did feel humiliated. 156 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,600 - Humiliated? - Because I knew. 157 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,680 I knew you were bored. 158 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,360 I could feel you were bored. There was... 159 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,600 There were indications. 160 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,560 And so I felt embarrassed. 161 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,760 Because I got knocked back so often. 162 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:04,840 God, I'm sorry. 163 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,360 I thought I knew where this conversation was going. 164 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,480 No, no, no. It's not your fault, of course. 165 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:13,200 We just... we bounce back and forth against each other. 166 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,720 I'm boring, you get bored. 167 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,600 I get even more boring, you get even yet more bored. 168 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,920 Our sexual relationship is like a Newton's cradle. 169 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,920 And even they stop in the end. 170 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,920 Do they? I thought that was the whole point of them. 171 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,680 What, you thought they went on forever? 172 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,520 I thought they were a perpetual-motion machine. 173 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,400 So why aren't there any still going? 174 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,800 I presumed people got bored of the clacking sound 175 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,240 or they get fired and have to move offices. 176 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,040 You know that perpetual-motion machines don't exist, don't you? 177 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,840 I did not know that. 178 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,480 Otherwise our energy problems would be solved forever. 179 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,320 How can you power a car with an executive clacking toy? 180 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,720 Well, it's not the... I mean, we're getting side-tracked. 181 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,760 Maybe that's what we expect marriage to be, 182 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,440 a perpetual-motion machine that never runs out of energy, 183 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,960 but we have kids and we have a mortgage 184 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,560 and we have your mum and my mum 185 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,000 and we have the school run and we have work and no work. 186 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,080 I mean, how can you not get ground down by it? 187 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,480 It's OK. 188 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,960 - I don't deserve that. - Why not? 189 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,800 Because I cheated on you, and I... 190 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,960 And I... 191 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,680 And I said I was bored in bed as an explanation. 192 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,040 Yes. 193 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,920 And my depression and my unemployment. 194 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,240 Oh, God, I'm a charmer. 195 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,640 I mean... 196 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,520 ...being bored isn't the worst thing in the world, is it? 197 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,800 Life is long 198 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,640 and we're only just halfway through it. 199 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,720 I suspect it's only long if you're not enjoying it much. 200 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,200 Well, there you go. See? Doing you a favor. 201 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,240 What, relativity and perpetual motion 202 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,680 all in one short conversation 203 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,560 about our ongoing marital shambles? 204 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,280 Yep. You gotta be pretty brainy 205 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,400 to get out of being married to me. 206 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,200 I wanna talk about the future today. 207 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,720 - Good. - Where it went. 208 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,240 - Oh. - I can't... I can't see it. 209 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,440 And it used to be so clear to me. 210 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,560 It was... It was right in front of me. 211 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,480 I was... I was marching towards it purposefully. 212 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,200 I was like one of those Soviet workers 213 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,560 in the propaganda posters. 214 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,520 It was shiny and bright and full of... 215 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,720 Well, I don't know what it was full of. It was... 216 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,600 Golden cornfields, factories, tanks? 217 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,960 Well, my equivalent, anyway. 218 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,600 - Which was? - I can't remember. 219 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,800 You can't remember the future? 220 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,680 Nope. 221 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,240 Oh, look, they've gone over their time. 222 00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,840 Like you said before, why bother? 223 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:00,960 Haven't got long left. 224 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,520 Oh, God, I did say that, didn't I? 225 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,680 - That was awful of me. - Yeah. 226 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,720 Maybe she's had an affair? 227 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,400 Why not him? 228 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,320 More of a woman thing. 229 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,680 - Oh dear. - What? 230 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,760 Do you think he's not very well? 231 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,800 - What? Like he's dying? - Maybe. 232 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,920 That's all we bloody need. 233 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,000 Now Kenyon will think that our problems are pathetic 234 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,600 by comparison. 235 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,240 Oh, she'll be impatient. 236 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,400 Well, at least they'll make it through. 237 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,200 Is that the future? Making it through? 238 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,080 I think I'd settle for that. 239 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,280 Isn't that the goal of every marriage, 240 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,600 making it through? 241 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,960 I'm not sure there's anything else. 242 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,160 I don't know if I can march towards that. 18313

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