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1
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:07,800
Cheers.
2
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,160
Oh.
3
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,560
- Well...
- Oh, well.
4
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,920
You wanna...
5
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,440
Ooh-ee.
6
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,560
Ah... Oh.
7
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,520
You haven't started, um...?
8
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,880
Are you going on a date
after this?
9
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,440
No. God, no.
10
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,400
I just thought that after what
we talked about last week...
11
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,840
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
12
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,840
- No, you were right.
- No, it was a bit of a rant.
13
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,640
I deserved it.
14
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,120
I told you
your unemployment was unsexy.
15
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,520
- You told me I was unsexy.
- I didn't say that.
16
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,040
You did.
I listened to it again.
17
00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,360
What? How?
18
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,280
I've been recording
the sessions.
19
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,280
Seriously? You've been recording
the sessions and listening back?
20
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,800
Yes. I put my phone on the table
before the second session.
21
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,920
Kenyon asked if you were OK
with it. You said yes.
22
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,600
Oh. I thought she was asking
23
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,600
if I was OK with you putting
your phone on the table.
24
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:18,880
That would have been weird.
25
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,320
Not as weird
as you recording the sessions.
26
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,520
- When do you listen to them?
- They're good for dog walking.
27
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,040
I mean, actually,
they're pretty gripping.
28
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,920
Like BBC radio drama
kind of thing?
29
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,000
Yes, except there are
some credibility gaps, like,
30
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,240
"Wow, these two would never
get together in real life."
31
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,120
Ha.
32
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,400
Yeah, well, that's the beauty
of real life, isn't it?
33
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,280
- We did get together.
- Yes, I was aware of that.
34
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,520
I'm just saying it...
35
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,360
it was a plot point
I didn't really believe.
36
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,080
The real world can be
beautifully unpredictable.
37
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,120
And here we are,
two wonderful children.
38
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,480
- You're not wishing those away?
- No, of course not.
39
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,680
It's just, maybe we should
have had two wonderful children
40
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,920
with other people.
41
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,400
What, four wonderful children
who have never met each other?
42
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,240
Oh, the thought of that
just breaks my heart.
43
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,080
Why? Why would you care
if they didn't know each other?
44
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,800
They'd sort of be half-brothers,
wouldn't they?
45
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,560
Well, they might not all be boys
46
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,760
and they absolutely
would not be related.
47
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,440
Oh, I think they would,
spiritually.
48
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,080
So, do you think our children
are related
49
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,280
to what's-her-name's children?
What's her name, your ex?
50
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,680
- Sinead?
- No, of course not.
51
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,080
You might have had
children with her.
52
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,440
That was never on the cards.
53
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,360
You're just jumping
in and out of fantasy worlds
54
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,120
to suit your argument.
55
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,040
No, I just happen to be more
sentimentally attached
56
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,560
to the children
that we never had
57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,440
than the children
I never had with her.
58
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,480
I'm romantic like that,
so shoot me.
59
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,880
So, why did we get together
if it was all so unlikely?
60
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,400
Because I was going through
a dry spell.
61
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,800
That's it?
62
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,640
You asked why we got together,
not why we stayed together.
63
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,320
Did you have long-term designs
the night we met?
64
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,160
Yes, yes,
65
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,640
but the long-term turned into
the short-term pretty quickly.
66
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,360
Because I was so easy,
you mean?
67
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,280
Agreeable, I'd say,
rather than easy.
68
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,360
And then no plan?
69
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,080
Not no plan, just same plan.
70
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,600
Just...
71
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,040
Right. Isn't that
how most people get together?
72
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,280
They want to end a dry spell
73
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,400
and everything sort of gets
out of hand?
74
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,360
I suppose,
unless there's money involved.
75
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,600
I can't imagine
that massive-breasted woman
76
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,560
who married the billionaire
was worried about a dry spell.
77
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,800
And Jane. Jane said she knew
she was gonna marry Charlie
78
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,320
the first time she saw him.
79
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,640
And then there's people
who are friends for a long time
80
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:33,640
before they fall in love.
81
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,840
And arranged marriages.
82
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,080
But, like you say, yes,
83
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,360
a lot of people start with sex
and go from there.
84
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,720
I don't know,
it's like starting in a new job.
85
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,480
One day follows another and...
86
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,040
20 years later
you're still there
87
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,720
but you can't know
on your first day.
88
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,880
No, otherwise
you'd shoot yourself.
89
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,280
If it was a boring job.
90
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,800
Do you remember anything
about the first time we had sex?
91
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,440
Yes, of course.
92
00:03:58,560 --> 00:03:59,480
Really?
93
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,880
- I can't.
- No, neither can I.
94
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,920
I mean, I remember there was
some disappointment, I think.
95
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,920
I was hoping
you'd forgotten about that.
96
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,480
That's why I wanted
to give it another go.
97
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,880
I didn't think it was fair
to judge you on that one time.
98
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,200
- Ditto.
- Oh, right.
99
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,400
What did I do wrong?
100
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,600
No, just...
It was a bit... lackluster.
101
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,120
Oh, so it's all
coming back to you now?
102
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,920
I don't remember everything.
I just remember you were...
103
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,240
medium, six out of ten.
104
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:31,040
6.5 maybe.
Let's say two-thirds. Me?
105
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,400
Well, it was basically
a no-jump, wasn't it?
106
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,240
Or a... a let, so I don't think
I can really give you a score.
107
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,280
Let's stop talking about this.
It was 15 years ago.
108
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,480
We've moved on
to better things.
109
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,160
And back again
like a pleasure cruiser.
110
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,920
Well, maybe that's
the trajectory of married sex.
111
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:50,240
It's just once around the rocks
to see the seals and then home.
112
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,680
Around the rocks
to look at the seals?
113
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,400
The dolphins or whatever.
114
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,080
When were the dolphin years?
115
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,520
You know what I mean.
116
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,280
- Not really.
- Yeah.
117
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,600
I remember some...
118
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,640
marine escapades
before the children came along
119
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,160
on kitchen tables and whatnot.
120
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,800
What, the kitchen table
being the dolphin?
121
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,800
Yes, and the shower
and the garden.
122
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,440
And didn't we do
something on the...
123
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,440
No, we didn't, did we? No.
124
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,560
- What were you thinking of?
- No, nothing.
125
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,800
It wasn't recently, was it,
with your friend?
126
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,880
No! God, no, of course not.
127
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,120
Why "of course not"?
128
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,520
Because we're...
129
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,920
Do you really wanna
go into this?
130
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,960
I don't know. Kind of.
131
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,280
I'm terrified but I'm curious.
132
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,080
Because it was...
133
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,840
It was just sex.
There was no dolphins or seals.
134
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,160
- But blindfolds.
- No.
135
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,080
Why would you ask me
about blindfolds?
136
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,680
Have you wanted me to wear
a blindfold all these years?
137
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,840
- No. Not really.
- Not really?
138
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,880
Not a blindfold as such.
139
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,160
Can you draw this thing
if it's complicated?
140
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,640
I mean, I could try
and knit one if it helps.
141
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,200
God, you must be bored.
142
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,840
- Are you?
- You first.
143
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,640
Well, God, it's hardly the time
to ask me, is it?
144
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,200
I'm bored with nothing at all,
that's for sure.
145
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,240
What if I'd asked you
a year ago?
146
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,800
You didn't.
147
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,600
And now you just don't wanna
answer hypothetical questions?
148
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,160
Why don't we just say it?
I mean, we were both bored.
149
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,920
It's...
150
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,520
It's become less and less
important to us
151
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,080
and then you packed it in
and then everything went wrong.
152
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,200
Isn't that right?
153
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,640
No.
154
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,960
- What have I got wrong?
- Well, I was never bored.
155
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,000
But I did feel humiliated.
156
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,600
- Humiliated?
- Because I knew.
157
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,680
I knew you were bored.
158
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,360
I could feel you were bored.
There was...
159
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,600
There were indications.
160
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,560
And so I felt embarrassed.
161
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,760
Because I got
knocked back so often.
162
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:04,840
God, I'm sorry.
163
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,360
I thought I knew where
this conversation was going.
164
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,480
No, no, no.
It's not your fault, of course.
165
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:13,200
We just... we bounce back
and forth against each other.
166
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,720
I'm boring, you get bored.
167
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,600
I get even more boring,
you get even yet more bored.
168
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,920
Our sexual relationship
is like a Newton's cradle.
169
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,920
And even they stop in the end.
170
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,920
Do they? I thought that was
the whole point of them.
171
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,680
What, you thought
they went on forever?
172
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,520
I thought they were
a perpetual-motion machine.
173
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,400
So why aren't there any
still going?
174
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,800
I presumed people got bored
of the clacking sound
175
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,240
or they get fired
and have to move offices.
176
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,040
You know that perpetual-motion
machines don't exist, don't you?
177
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,840
I did not know that.
178
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,480
Otherwise our energy problems
would be solved forever.
179
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,320
How can you power a car
with an executive clacking toy?
180
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,720
Well, it's not the... I mean,
we're getting side-tracked.
181
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,760
Maybe that's what we expect
marriage to be,
182
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,440
a perpetual-motion machine
that never runs out of energy,
183
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,960
but we have kids
and we have a mortgage
184
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,560
and we have your mum
and my mum
185
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,000
and we have the school run
and we have work and no work.
186
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,080
I mean, how can you not
get ground down by it?
187
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,480
It's OK.
188
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,960
- I don't deserve that.
- Why not?
189
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,800
Because I cheated on you,
and I...
190
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,960
And I...
191
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,680
And I said I was bored in bed
as an explanation.
192
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,040
Yes.
193
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,920
And my depression
and my unemployment.
194
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,240
Oh, God, I'm a charmer.
195
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,640
I mean...
196
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,520
...being bored isn't the worst
thing in the world, is it?
197
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,800
Life is long
198
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,640
and we're only just
halfway through it.
199
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,720
I suspect it's only long
if you're not enjoying it much.
200
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,200
Well, there you go.
See? Doing you a favor.
201
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,240
What, relativity
and perpetual motion
202
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,680
all in one short conversation
203
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,560
about our ongoing
marital shambles?
204
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,280
Yep. You gotta be pretty brainy
205
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,400
to get out
of being married to me.
206
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,200
I wanna talk
about the future today.
207
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,720
- Good.
- Where it went.
208
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,240
- Oh.
- I can't... I can't see it.
209
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,440
And it used to be
so clear to me.
210
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,560
It was...
It was right in front of me.
211
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,480
I was... I was marching
towards it purposefully.
212
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,200
I was like one
of those Soviet workers
213
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,560
in the propaganda posters.
214
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,520
It was shiny and bright
and full of...
215
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,720
Well, I don't know
what it was full of. It was...
216
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,600
Golden cornfields,
factories, tanks?
217
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,960
Well, my equivalent, anyway.
218
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,600
- Which was?
- I can't remember.
219
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,800
You can't remember the future?
220
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,680
Nope.
221
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,240
Oh, look, they've gone
over their time.
222
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,840
Like you said before,
why bother?
223
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:00,960
Haven't got long left.
224
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,520
Oh, God, I did say that,
didn't I?
225
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,680
- That was awful of me.
- Yeah.
226
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,720
Maybe she's had an affair?
227
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,400
Why not him?
228
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,320
More of a woman thing.
229
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,680
- Oh dear.
- What?
230
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,760
Do you think he's not very well?
231
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,800
- What? Like he's dying?
- Maybe.
232
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,920
That's all we bloody need.
233
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,000
Now Kenyon will think
that our problems are pathetic
234
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,600
by comparison.
235
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,240
Oh, she'll be impatient.
236
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,400
Well, at least
they'll make it through.
237
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,200
Is that the future?
Making it through?
238
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,080
I think I'd settle for that.
239
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,280
Isn't that the goal
of every marriage,
240
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,600
making it through?
241
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,960
I'm not sure
there's anything else.
242
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,160
I don't know
if I can march towards that.
18313
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