All language subtitles for Horrible Bosses 2 [2014 Eng Comedy]

¶ Well, I'm running,
police on my back ¶

¶ I've been hiding,
police on my back ¶

¶ there was a shooting,
police on my back ¶

¶ and the victim,
well, he won't come back ¶

¶ I've been running Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday ¶

¶ Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday ¶

¶ running Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday ¶

¶ Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday ¶

Hey, hey, hey! If you're
coming in for the morning grind,

it's another brutal Monday
out there traffic-wise.

The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.

A sig alert
is bogging down the I-10.

And if you're
on the 405 freeway,

you're probably already
late for work.

Now, if your boss gives you
a hard time about it,

you have him come down here
and talk to... Rachel.

Oh, no.

Zing!
Thanks, skip.

But, hey, speaking of bosses,
after the break,

we get to meet
three guys

who are chasing their dream
of becoming their own bosses.

Stay with us.

And... We're out.

Very good, guys.
We're back in 90 seconds.

Okay, we're out.
Back in 90.
Could've work a jacket,
I guess,

but I think casual's
probably better.

Jesus Christ. Dale,
you got to stop sweating, pal.

Hey. Hey.
Oh, wow. You are wet.

"Stop sweating."
How do I stop sweating?

I mean, guys,
this is a big deal.

I mean, we got everything
riding on this,

all right?
We've quit our jobs.

I have three children
to think about now.

How about that, all right?
Okay, well,
think about this, okay?

You do a good job
right now,

you're gonna make
your little boys very proud.

Girls.
I have three girls, dude.
Hmm?

Oh, right. Well, I mean,
so what? You can't even
tell at that age.

They basically look like
potatoes with arms.
don't call
my kids potatoes, okay?

He's really freaking out.
I feel like you guys
should go on without me.

Can you guys
go on without me?
Well, I'm glad you said it.

Why don't you wait in the car,
buddy? That's a lot of sweat.

Oh, come on, calm down, okay?
You're making him more nervous.

Look, Dale, it's gonna be
real easy, okay?

You just got to talk about
you and Stacy having triplets.

- People eat that shit up.
- You are the heart.

All we have to do
is be ourselves.

Oh, let's not be ourselves.
Ourselves is a dumpster fire.

Let's be
better than ourselves.

Let's try to elevate
a little bit.

That's a good note.
Nobody be themselves. Good tip.

And we're back in 5, 4...

¶ It's time to get up,
get up, get up ¶

¶ and get out, good morning ¶

And we're back.

You know, every week,
we like to highlight

local inventors
and entrepreneurs

in our
big idea spotlight.

That's right, Mike, and today,
we have three modern-day Edisons

who've created
a new shower gadget

they hope
to really clean up with.

Please... Welcome
Nick, Kurt, and Dale.

Pleasure to be here.
Now, um, before we get
into the product,

can you tell us what is it
that inspired three regular Joes

to go into business
for yourselves?

Yeah, well, we were...
we were all working

at pretty terrible jobs
for some awful bosses.

And we just thought,
well, if we ever got a chance

to be our own bosses
that we'd do things differently.

And this might be our shot.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so, we didn't think
we'd ever get the chance,

but then our buddy Dale here
had an amazing idea.

Don't go to Dale.
Uh, yeah.

And, uh, you know, we just
started, uh, meeting together

to talk
about the invention

instead of complaining
about our jobs.

Hey, I think that's exciting.

Well done.
Dale, you know,
I just want to know,

where did
the idea come from

for a new shower... Head?
I have three kids!

Uh,
let me answer the question.

Um, Dale, uh,
had just gotten back

from one of those
self-service car washes, right,

with the wand
with the soap and the wax?

Oh, yeah, it's got everything
in the one thing.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
He simply thought,

"why don't they make
one of these for your body?"

Yeah. Yeah,
and after we had a few beers,

we came up with the,
uh, shower buddy.

The "shower buddy"?

I-I'm sorry.
That name's not official yet.

No, he's wrong.
It is official.

I wanted
"the shower daddy."

"Shower daddy" is worse on
pretty much every level, so...

Yeah.
I have to agree with Nick.

It's better than having
some strange dude

in the shower with you.
It's not some strange dude,
Dale,

as I've said many, many times.
It's your buddy!

Well, why would your buddy
be in the shower with you?!

Why would your dad?!
Uh-oh!

Don't scream
on television.

Well, you know what?
How about you fellas

show us how
this little gizmo works?

Right?
Let's get it going.

Yes. Make it rain.
Yes! work it, work it.

Oh, this is awesome!

So, Kurt's gonna go ahead
and get in there,

and he's gonna
turn on the shower.

You're gonna see
the water come out.

After a little bit of time, the
shampoo's gonna automatically

be triggered out
of the showerhead,
mix with the water...

no water.
No water pressure.
Use the blue handle.

No, there's no water
pressure.

You know what,
there's a pump on the back.

I could
pump it up manually.
Great.

Dale's gonna help out.
Thank you, buddy.

Dale's gonna do it.
Okay.

Pump... I got it.
You got it? You do?

The water comes out,
and the shampoo

then automatically mixes
with the water.

Then shortly thereafter that,
conditioner then comes in.

And then you shower in half
the time with the shower buddy.

Effectively, yeah.
The average American...

I don't know
if you guys know this...

spends about 50 hours a week
working.

Hand's cramping up.

Here, let me help.

...commuting, and if we can save
you just 5 minutes every...

There's not enough lube.
The whole rod's too dry,
right?

Yeah, spit on it.
Spit on it.

There it is? Better?
See, yeah.

If you lube it up,
it's... it's better.

Oh, no, absolutely.
We... we are, uh...

Oh, look, guys.
I'm so sorry.

There's just
a little hole in the back.

I'm gonna
stick my finger in it,

plug it up,
and then we're good to go.

Just get it done, right?

Whatever it takes.
Live TV, right?

Live TV! You know,
what are you gonna do?

Yeah! Here we go!
Oh, here it comes!

It's a miracle!

Worked just
as promised, okay?

Now, uh, go ahead
and shut it off there, Kurt.

It's so cool. I want one.
Yeah.

You want...
you can't have this one.

It's the only one.
It's the prototype.

But we're looking for partners
to bring it to markets.

Well, you know what,
I'll tell you right now.
I'm sold. I want invest.

We got one!
All right, Mike.

Now, how would I... how would I
get in touch with you guys?

You go straight to
Nick-hurt-Dale.

I'm sorry, what?

- Dot-com. It's our website...
- nickkurtdale. Com.

I'm positive
I'm not hearing that right.

It's our names...
Nick, Kurt, Dale.

Nick-Kurt-Dale.

Y'all... y'all got to
change that name.

Boy, cannot believe we never
said it out loud before.

It looked so good
on paper.

Well, it was a nice dream
while it lasted,

but I think it's time
we all go beg for our jobs back.

Maybe just accept the fact
that we'll always be

cogs in the machine,
you know?

Wait. "Cocks in the machine"...
what is that?

"Cogs." "Guh."

You know what? You're right.
We're not...

we're not boss material.
We're... we're worker bees.

We're grunts.

Oh, boy. That song...
I can't hear that now.

Just put it on vibrate.

Will you stop?
Please?

Come on. I picked this song
to inspire us.

It's not inspiring me.

Ooh, look at this.
Unknown caller.

Can you just answer it?
Hello?

Yep, this is one of
the shower buddy guys.

Mm-hmm. Really?

Yes. No, of course.
I know exactly who you are.

Look up "Boulder stream."
"Boulder stream."

Uh-huh.
Well, thank you.

No, we're very proud
of the product.

Yeah, if you just want to
e-mail us the details,

that'll be fine.
Is that a real thing?

Yeah, my e-mail?
Not yours.

Yeah, it's
phatballllz@hotmail.Com.

It's p-h-a-t
b-a-l-l...

l-l...

Z.

@hotmail.Com. Yeah.
All right. Thank you.

Yeah. No.
See you tomorrow.

Wow.
Holy shit.

Boulder stream
loves the shower buddy.

Who the fuck
is Boulder stream?

Only one of the largest
catalogue retailers

in north America.

¶ You're gonna hear me roar ¶

Nice.

See, when you're in a good mood,
it's a good song.

Bad mood, bad song.
And that's art. That's good art.

Man, this place is legit!

Yeah, it's nice.

Did you see
the free cookies?
Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Yeah, you clearly have.
That's, like, four of those.

You're gonna have chocolate
all over your face.
Oh, hey.

You know,
you're gonna look like a kid.
Hey, really quick, guys.

When we meet this guy,
when you shake his hand,

use your other hand
and touch his elbow.

It's a classy move.
I don't know this move.

Just give him a nice,
firm handshake.

Mm, that's nice!
How about that?

That's real nice!
It's really good, yeah.

Let me get ya here.
No, no.

You got chocolate on your
fingers. Now it's on my jacket.

I got ya.
You put your crumbs on my leg.
Put a little water on it.

I don't need water.
That will set it.

Get the cookie away from me,
please, Dale.

No, it's like
a fire-on-fire thing.

No,
the water will set it.

Ha! There they are!

There are my shower buddies.
How are you? In the flesh.

It's just like
on that morning show.

You're always fighting.
I love it.

Oh.
Yeah, it's...

Rex hanson.
Oh, hey.

Kurt buckman, man.
Good to see ya, Kurt.

Nice to see you, too.
Well, that's a classy handshake.

- Nick, pleasure.
- Yeah, yeah. Hey.

Dale arb... uh, shoot.
I just learned it.

We can do it
whichever way you want, buddy.

Right?

Guys, why don't we grab
the refreshments, the coffee,

grab some cookies if you want.
Let's head upstairs

and talk about this product,
all right? Is that corduroy?

Step inside.

- Dreams do come true.
- Wow, wow.

You guys good?
You want something to drink?

- Yeah, I'll have one, yeah.
- Sure!

No, no. It's very early.
No. Never mind.

No? No for us. Sorry.
I'm gonna cut right to it,
gentlemen.

The shower buddy...
a home run.

Well, Mr. hanson, we...
we couldn't be happier...

Mr. hanson is my father.
It's Rex.

Please, sit down.
Get comfortable. Take a seat.
Great. Okay. Thank you.

Uh, we want you to know that...
that we are a company

you can be very proud
to be in business with.

You know, our workers are all
gonna have healthcare.

They're gonna be
profit-sharing.

Yeah, okay, I don't really
give a shit about that.

Do you see this? This is
Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.

Yeah! The one he did the fire
and the fingers thing with.

You guys like
cool shit like this?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
we love cool shit.
Oh, yeah. I'm into cool shit.

I knew ya did!
You get into business with me,

you're gonna have
fucking loads of it!

And, so, you are offering
to carry our product,

- not only as a...
- wait a minute. Check this out.

Miss lang, will you come in here
a moment, please?

Now what?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Sweetheart,
we were racking our brains.

What... what's a beer can
made out of?

Do you mean aluminium?

That'll be all, miss lang.
Thank you.
Okay.

And where does she go now?

Now, that is the kind
of cool shit

you have to look forward to.

Look, the best part
about this whole deal...

you're not even gonna have to
lift a finger.

My company will assume
all future product development,

outsource manufacturing
to China,

and you gents will receive

a handsome one-time
development fee.

I want to dig in on the one-time
fee thing, because, you know...

you see this football?

This is the one
where Peyton Manning threw it

and the guy caught it in the
back of his helmet. Keep it.

Oh.
You know, uh, Rex,
the... the one-time fee thing...

we're not looking to give up
control of the company.

In fact...
right. No, we want to handle
all the manufacturing,

and you guys
do distribution.

What... you manufacture?
Here, in America?

That's the plan.
Yeah, we're trying to do
the whole American-dream thing.

Boys, I hate
to break it to you,

but the American dream,
it's made in China.

Now, look,
I respect your naiveté,

uh, but I'm afraid that this
deal only happens one way.

I did say
"handsome" fee, right?

Can I have one minute? Just love
to talk to my partners.

You got it. Take your time.
I'll be over here.

Oh, boy.
Yeah.
What do you guys think?

I didn't
want to say anything,

but I think he means Eli Manning
and not Peyton Manning.

You know?
Yeah. Maybe.
Maybe... Kurt.

I think she has she has
an amazing fucking body,

but that accent puts her over
the top. I mean, it's insane.

Right. Agreed on both points.
How about the deal?

The deal, yeah, it's sweet, man.
We got to take it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should take it.

We should take the money
and get the hell out of here.

Cool shit.
He's got cool shit everywhere.
Yeah.

Can you imagine
having your own cool shit?

But...
but look at this place.

I mean, these guys make
loads of money selling stuff,

and he just called
our shower buddy a home run.

I don't know why we'd sell
a home run for a one-time fee.

That's a good point.
I don't know. I mean,

I could really use the money
for Stacy and the girls.

That's a good point. Yeah,
that's true. I could use money.

Yeah, I-I get that. But maybe
it's not just about the money.
That's a good point.

Maybe it's about never having
to work for anybody ever again,

that's right.
Right? Being our own bosses.

I say we bet on ourselves.
Me, too.

You're right.
I'm in.

I'm in. Let's do it.

Okay. Rex.

- Yeah.
- Uh, no deal.

Sorry.
Yeah, we're, uh...
we're betting on ourselves.

Is that right?
Yeah, and no hard feelings.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
Honestly,
we really appreciate the offer.

Sorry.
Yeah. I can respect that.

Takes some serious balls to walk
away from three million bucks.

What did he say?
What did he say?
Hang on. Three million dollars?
We'll take that.

Sorry.
Offer's off the table.

We'll take half! Half is fine!
Can we have half?!
Well...

Ship's sailed.
Thank you so much for coming in.

Dale, I'm gonna need
that ball back.

Good luck
building something in America.

You know...

I built this company from
the bottom up here in America.

Dad, I-I didn't know
you were back. How was
your... how was your trip?

What'd I tell you about
using my office while I'm away?

I know. I just...
I just thought...

Bert hanson.
You're the shower buddy guys?

Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah.
We are, sir.

I respect you gentlemen

for wanting
to roll up your sleeves

and build something,
stake your claim.

Now, I came to this country
with nothing.

And through risk
and hard work,

I made my own American dream
come true.

Mm.
Good for you.

Well, here's what
I'm gonna do.

I'll refer you to my contact
at pacific shore national.

That's a bank.
They won't balk
at giving you a start-up loan

once they hear
that Bert hanson just has placed

an initial order of,
say, um...

...100,000 units?

100,000 shower buddies?
Wha...

You're gonna make
100,000 shower buddies?!

Dad, what are you talking about?
We never make this kind of deal.

Sorry, sir.

But Boulder stream needs to be
your exclusive retailer.

Um, well,
let's think it over.

Yes. No. We won't pick up
the phone if anyone calls!
No, of course.

We have a deal?

Yeah,
you got a fucking deal!

Hey, all right!
There it is.

I got his elbow!

Oh, I got some chocolate
on you there.

It doesn't matter.

That's great.

That is good news!

So,
it's 20,000 square feet,

but it's a minimum
five-year lease.

20,000. That sounds like a whole
lot more than we need, you know?

But we want something
we can grow into, right?

And we have
a really big order, Nick.

Damn straight.
Come on, Nick.

Nick...
I-I don't know. I mean,

I say that, uh...
you know, I say we take it.

Yes. Yes, we do.

Excellent.
¶ return of the mack, get up ¶

¶ what it is, what it does,
what it is, what it isn't ¶

¶ looking for a better way to
get up out of bed instead of ¶

¶ getting on the Internet and
checking a new hit-me, get up ¶

¶ thrift shop,
pimp-strut walking ¶

¶ little bit of humble,
little bit of cautious ¶

¶ somewhere between
like rocky and cosby ¶

¶ sweater gang, nope,
nope, y'all can't copy ¶

¶ yep, bad moonwalking ¶

¶ and this here is our party ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

¶ can we go back,
this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night,
we'll fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up
like the ceiling can't hold us ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

You've got
no work experience at all.

Is that bad?

Are you kidding?
Nah, it's great.

You're enthusiastic,
and you're unjaded.

And unqualified.
You know what?

You're hired.
Oops.

Really?

That was unexpected
and, uh, u-undeserving.

You're hired.

Sí?

That's a yes.
That's an obvious yes.

Ai, gracias!

Gracias!

Well, again...

No résumé at all.
...You know, not much...

you don't need it.
Your eyes speak for yourself.

You seem honest.
Hold on, pal.

Um... You're hired.

Really?
Well...

I mean, if you'll have us.
Thank you.

Says here you've been convicted
of a felony.

That was bullshit.

Word up, though.
I get that, man.

Like I had...
I had a similar thing, you know,

they tried to peg me as,
like, a child sex offender.

It was total bullshit.

Oh, whoa, yo, yo.

I ain't down
with no kid fuckers.

I'm not down
with kid shit, either.

Yeah, none of us are.
Nobody agrees with that.

You know, man?
"N" to the "o," brother.

We do not support that
at all.

But, you know, let's just
give the guy a job.
Oh.

It's just... yeah, I-I don't
want to upset this guy.

Well, tell you what,
Tiffany.

You're hired!
I'm hired?

Yeah, you are!

There you go!
Oh, thank you!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! All right,
we'll see you later, okay?

See you Monday.
Get out of here, all right?

Kurt, you got to stop hiring
hot, unqualified women.
Come on.

What's the point of being
the boss if you can't
stock the pond a little?

You do realize you can't sleep
with these women, right?
What's he talking about?

He's talking
about you're the boss.
It's called sexual harassment.

Yeah,
remember sexual harassment?
I tried to kill my boss.

Ring a bell?
So what? I got to fire them
all now? We just hired them.

Oh, you can't fire them.
No, you can't fire them
just because you're not allowed

to sleep with them.
That's also sexual harassment.

Why are we even doing this,
then?!

¶ Can we go back,
this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night,
we'll fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up
like the ceiling can't hold us ¶

oh, boy. This is it.

Here we go. Here we go.
¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

¶ can we go back,
this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night,
we'll fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up
like the ceiling can't hold us ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

we did it.
We're at 100,000.

We did it?
Yeah.

Let me see. Ohh.
¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

This is a great idea!

How do you think
they mow this thing?

Hey, are you guys sure
we shouldn't have called ahead?

No! He's gonna love it.
But the cake
and the balloons...

you don't think
that's overdoing it, huh?

I don't think so. No.
I think he's gonna be psyched

that the order's done
three days early.

That's true.
I think he's gonna be,
like, flipping out

to see us
out on his course.

Hey, you know what?
I wouldn't be surprised

if he gives us a membership
to this place.

Are you serious?!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my god.
I want that!

Ohh!
Hey.

- Surprise!
Whoo-hoo!

Sir, we have finished your order
in full,

and it is ready
to be shipped.

Excellent news.

And we got you a little cake
that says,

"thanks for believing
in us!"

And some balloons,
of course.
We're the "us."

Congratulations, boys.
What an accomplishment.

Thank you.
Thanks.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
cancel that order.

What'd he say?

It sounded like he said
"cancel the order."

You say "cancel"?
I'm sorry,

cancel what?
Cancel the order.

Don't need it.

Wait, no.
That doesn't work.

Sir, sir, sir...
No, no. No.
You can't do that, though.

...we went 500 grand
in the hole.
We were in business
with each other.

And if you don't buy,
we are ruined.

We were in business
with each other.

He's gonna putt.
He's just gonna putt out.

And he makes the putt.
Wow. Congratulations.
Can you please explain to us
what's happening

and why
you're doing this?

Yeah, sure.
Fair question.

You see, boys, in one week,
your bridge loan comes due.

And you, of course,
won't be able to pay it.

And your loan officer
has assured me

no extension will be granted.

At that moment, your company
will go into foreclosure,

and I will buy
all of those units

at auction
for pennies on the dollar,

even cheaper than I could have
gotten them from the Chinese.

Oh, my fucking god!
I can't believe this.

Anyway, as an added bonus,
I will also own your patent,

and these gentlemen here
will take over manufacturing

of our new product...
the shower pal.

It's a better name, too.
It is a better name.

God damn it.
Fucking hell.

Oh, dad, that is a hell
of a fucking play.

We should fit these guys
for crowns,

'cause they just got
fucked royally.

Rex, no call
for this mtv showboating.

They're aware
of their defeat.

In these moments,
it's more impactful to be still.

What about all that stuff
about hard work

and starting a company
in America?
Yeah! Yeah, sir.

The American dream
and hard work.
Is that all bullshit?

You honestly think
hard work creates wealth?

The only thing
that creates wealth is wealth.

And we have it.
You don't.

Okay. Okay.
You know what?

Take it easy.

Take it easy.
I got it. I got it.

Hey, listen, bucko.

You don't want to make enemies
out of us, okay?

Whoa, easy.
I didn't walk all up on you.

I make new enemies every day.
It's called business.

Thank you, gentlemen,
for stopping by.

Have a lovely day.

Rex, get the cake.

Rich motherfucking

over-privileged
fucking assholes!

What happened
to decency?!

Do you realize
I'm gonna lose my house?
Yeah.

You know, Stacy's gonna divorce
me. She's gonna marry some dude.
Yes, she is.

I'm gonna have supervised visits
at a McDonald's.

Fucking McDonald's!
What were we thinking?

Who bets on themselves?
Why the fuck did we do that?

What?
You fucking do! You're the one
who talked me into it!

I was on the fence!
I had the idea.

You were almost on my side.
Oh, we're fucked!

Our employees are fucked! What
about them?! What about lupe?!
Yeah. Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Hey, you know
what? This is just a problem.

That means all we got to do is
come up with a solution, right?

You know
what we would do?

We would put some ideas
up on the board, right?

That's what I'm talking about.
Here we go! Here we go!
Here we go, boys!

No idea's a bad idea!
No bad ideas.
No idea's a bad idea!

Who's gonna start us off?
I got it!

Kurt!
Let's kill
these motherfuckers!

No, no.
Murder! Yes!

M-u-r-d-e-r.
You don't need to
write that down. Hey.

Kill them! We kill them.
We shoot them!
Let's fucking kill them!

No.
Kill them!
I want them dead!

No.
I want them dead!

Neck snap!
I want them dead!

Hey! Enough!

If we've learned one thing
about ourselves,

it's that
we're not murderers.

Besides, how does killing them
get us our money back?

What do you mean?
There's ways.

You harvest their organs, sell
them on the black market. Boom!
Be fucking serious.

Let's... come on. This is
not helpful. Think seriously.

Okay, fine.
You're right. You're right.

There's other things
people have done.

There's plots.
Yeah, for money,
for money, for money.

There's the plot
of the movie "speed."

Yes! There you go!
Put a bomb on a bus.

Great idea. So what we'll do
is we'll rig a bus

so that when it goes
below 50 miles an hour,

it blows up.
What the fuck is that?

You said no idea was a bad idea!
I'm just coming up
with something.

I was wrong. That idea sucks,
the movie sucks, and so do you.

Hey! That is the movie that
introduced us to Sandy bullock.

Fuck you!
I love Sandra bullock!

All right, I'm running hot.
You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm running hot.
I'm just... you know,

the whole fucking thing's
got me upset. I'm sorry.

Give me the marker back, and
I'll come up with a better idea.

You want the marker back?
Give me $500,000, 'cause
that's what we need.

What, you're gonna
hold the marker ransom?

Call it what you want.
I need a half a million dollars.

I don't need shit ideas
and a bunch of hot air.

Come on.

Dale!

Boom! Marker drop.

"Kidnaping."

That's "kidnapping."

With one more "p" it is.
That's "kid-nape-ing."

Well,
however the fuck you spell it.
You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about kidnapping.
Come on.

Wait a second.
Wait a second. Dude,
that's a fucking great idea!

Think about it. Okay, first
of all, we kidnap Rex. Right?

Right, yeah.
Yeah, the ransom money.
We get money from Bert.
We save the business.

What do you know
about executing a kidnapping?

What do you mean?
You just...

You get zip... zip...
zip ties.

You don't know shit
about kidnapping.

Okay, we don't know a ton.
We don't know a ton, all right?

But I bet
we know someone that does.

Who?
Motherfucker Jones.

Oh, Jesus.
Come on, look.
It'd be great to see him.

Wouldn't it be good to see him?
Come on. Please. Please.
Please. Come on.

We're not gonna go see
motherfucker Jones,

because we're not gonna
"kid-nape" anyone.

Come on, this guy's
a master business prick.

He's at the top of his game.
We need to figure out...

Boy, look what we got.

Is that a sharpie?
Well, hang on.

What was a sharpie doing
on there in the first place?

You put it on there.
I did put it on there.

Permanently on the board now.

This illustrates my point,
idiots.

We need to find somebody
who's legitimate.

We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.

Hello, Nick.

Guy who saved my life.

Guy who
fucked my wife.

Ah, it was a blow job.
It was a blow job, only.

Didn't fuck her.

You got my e-mail?

I did.

And I was very amused by it.

I know Bert hanson.

I like the cut of his jib.
And I do admire

the way he bent you three idiots
over a barrel

and showed you the 50 states.

Ah. See? Told you
it was a saying.
Wow.

Now, Nick, just...
just tell me something.

Why would you start production

without at least a guarantee
of 35% down

to cover manufacturing costs?

I mean, why would you do that?

Is he telling a joke?
Is something funny?

Uh, we assumed that
we were dealing with
somebody who was ethical...

No, that's the wrong answer.

The right answer is because...

You're all fucking morons!

Boy, he shined a light
on that, didn't he?

Yeah. I think...
that's true. You're right.
You're absolutely right.

You thought I was such
a bad boss. But, I don't know,

I think maybe running your
own company into the ground

and ruining the livelihood
of your employees

is maybe a bit worse.
What do you think, Nick?

I think that's fair.
Should I be on the phone
if I'm taking notes?

No, we got it. We got it here.
I mean, I'm not getting
any of what he's saying.

It's all right.
It's just a lot of,
you know, rhetorical questions.

Okay, I'll just
try to get his reactions.

So, what do you want
from me, Nick?

With all due respect, you know
what makes a guy like that tick.

So if you could give us
some advice

on how to get our money back,
I will play real nice

at your next parole hearing.
How does that sound?

You would do that for me?
Yes, I would.

Okay.
I think I can help you.

He's helping.
He's gonna help?
Okay, I got a notepad.

I got a notepad!
From a legal standpoint...

"Legal standpoint."
"Legal standpoint."

...your options are...

"Options are."
"Legal options."

...Jack...

Fucking... Shit.

I heard "Jack leibowitz."
Is that an attorney?
Got to be.

I'm gonna write that down.
"Jack leibowitz."

Can we get his
contact info, please?
Do you have his contact info?

Even if you had the money
to fight him in the courts,

his lawyers are just gonna
file motions and continuances

long after you three
piss-ant little fuck-ups

have blown your tiny,
little brains out.

Are you saying
nothing can be done?

No, I didn't say that. I said
there's nothing you can do.

There's plenty that could be
done, but you won't do it.

And do you want to know why?

No, not really.
Because you have no balls!

I see.
Okay.

And your fathers had no balls!

You are all the product
of generations of ball-less men

who were either too weak
or too frightened

to stand up
and take what was theirs.

And one day, you will pass on
your empty, shriveled sacs

to your own pitiful offspring!

I can't hear a goddamn thing.

What is he talking about?
Our... our nut sacs, mostly.

Well, how did that come up?
Why don't you pitch
him the kidnapping?

No, let the kidnapping go,
all right?
Pitch him the kidnapping.

Grow some balls,
all right?

You want to see
some balls, Kurt?
Yeah.

Then kidnap someone.
You'll end up in here.

You'll see plenty of balls
on your forehead.

Mm.
Why are they
on my forehead?

Was the dick
on top of my head?
That makes no sense.

Oh, I'm upside down.

You sure are.
Your face is getting fucked.

Motherfucker.

¶ Every day I'm hustling,
hustling ¶

¶ who the fuck you
think you fucking with? ¶

¶ I'm the fucking boss ¶

¶ 745, white-on-white,
that's fucking Ross ¶

mm-hmm.

So, y'all planning to use the
ransom to save your business?

Exactly, yeah. That's it.
Yeah, that's what we're hoping.

You tell these idiots
how stupid that is, please?

I like it.

Nice. Man, see? Yeah!
I knew he'd like it.
Told you.

I appreciate the fact
that you're doing

whatever you need to do
to keep your business going.

Yes.
I had a dream for a long time
to get my own business.

Yeah.
I wanted to open
my own... Pinkberry.

What the fuck
is the chuckles about?

Oh, I thought
you were joking.

You ain't seen how many crackers
line up outside to get that

captain-crunch-covered
freezing-ass shit?

I probably eat it three times
a week. I love pinkberry.
That's a great dream!

Hey, man. That's awesome.
I didn't know that about you.

All I know, if somebody
were to take my pinkberry,

I wouldn't take that
sitting down.

Mm-hmm.
You would fight
for that pinkberry.

I would cut a motherfucker
in half.

Tell you what you wouldn't do.
You wouldn't kidnap someone...

Yes, you would.
...'Cause you can't
successfully pull it off.

That's not true!
Name me a kidnapping movie

where the kidnappers weren't
dead or incarcerated at the end.

"Nine to five," asshole.
"Nine to five."

"Nine to five."
Name me two.
Name me two movies, then.

You said name one.
Well, that's a comedy.

You said name one. Bam.
I nailed one right on you.

"Nine to five"
was this movie...

I know what the fuck
"nine to five" is.

It's about the white bitch
with the big-ass titties.

That's the one, yeah.
She got old.
The titties stayed young.

Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap
someone based on "nine to five."

That's because
you Jane Fonda.
Ooh, snap.

That's right.
You're the scaredy-cat one.

You're always the last
to man up about everything.

You're dragging your feet.
Can I pose a question
to you colonizers?

Happened
a long time ago.

How do you kidnap somebody
without them knowing...

They've been kidnapped?

Okay.

You smarten up,
and you don't even do it.

Hey, man, no.
He's a black sphinx.
I like this.

Yeah,
he threw a riddle our way.

Okay, how do you...
I can give you the answers.

$50,000.

No.
Ohh.

We can't.
$600?

You should not run a pinkberry.
I'm sorry.

I mean, that's just
the weirdest negotiating style.
We don't have any money.

You know, we're here 'cause we
have zero dollars. We're broke.
That's true.

Fuck it.
Give me the watch.

Nope.
Give him your watch.

I'm not giving him this.
It's a fucking tag heuer.

And this is a wrist
without a watch.

Come on, Nick. Give him...
it's just material things.

Can't take it with you,
right?

You can borrow it
while you tell us a shitty plan.

All right.

Slip him a Mickey.

Give me
the watch back.

You sneak into his crib
late at night.

You find out whatever
his beverage of choice is

before he goes to bed. You slip
the Mickey in the beverage,

knock him out nice and easy,

and you keep that bitch sedated
until daddy pays up.

Wait a second.
That could work.

That's great.
That makes total sense.

Yeah, right, 'cause he
doesn't, like, see our
faces or hear our voices.

We're ghosts.
No, we don't even exist.

When you're saying "Mickey,"
you're talking about...

It's like a date rape
drug, okay? Motherfucker,
where do you get those?

Where do I get them?!
Uh, yeah.

You think just because of
the hue of my skin

that I know where to get
date rape drugs?

You brought up
the date raping!
What are you doing, Dale?

You got "n" word
in your eyes.

Why are your eyes saying
the "n" word?!

Klan eyes.
You've got klan eyes.

You ever take a eye test?
He does.

Yes!
All you pick out is the "k."

I can see every letter
on there!
He does have klan eyes.

You can see them poking out
behind that sheet.

Oh, it's just ridic... I can't...
I mean, I'm not even gonna...

so, let me ask you a question.
When you got raped by Julia,

what did she use
to knock you out, laughing gas?

Why are we...
oh, right.

That'll work.
That's pretty interesting.

Yeah. Do you still have keys
to the, uh, office?

No, but I know the code,
probably.

Yes!
Okay. You did it again.

That's pretty interesting.
Look, for the record,
I am not racist.

You're the best in the biz.
Thank you very much.

Okay, good...
good to see you, man.
Come on. Let's go.
We'll see you.

Surprisingly helpful.

Any way
I can get the watch back?

Fuck out of here,
Jane Fonda.

God, that's a tough one.

And you can't
fuck all three, right?

You cannot.
Not the game. Okay.

Well, then,
I would marry Peter,

kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.
That's what I'd do, too.

Yeah? I think that's
the only way to play it.
Yeah.

It makes sense.
Yeah.

How'd you do?
Okay. I did great.

I actually got
a couple extra supplies,

'cause I think we got to be
more careful this time around.

You know what I mean?
Absolutely. No, good call.

I got a magazine
to cut up the ransom note.

So smart.
Can't be writing it by hand!

So smart.
Bride again magazine?

Yeah, that's to throw
the cops off if they, you
know, start snooping around

and they try to figure out
where the letters came from.

"Dora the explorer"
walkie-talkies?
Awesome.

Well, it's not a spy store.
It's a convenience store.

It's the only kind
of walkie-talkies...
didn't want to
just use our phones?

Oh, let's just use our phones
that make a record of everything

- that we say and do and where we are all the time!
- What?

Do you watch
the fucking news?

"Hey, Obama, I'm... I'm breaking
into my old office!"

It's just the three of us
doing this,

not us and the NSA,
you dipshit.

I'm trying to help us out
so we don't, you know,
do dumb shit this time.

Did you get scissors?
I got some scissors, yeah.

I don't see
any latex gloves in here.

They're, like, super expensive.
I didn't want to...

how much?
9 bucks a pair.

That's ridiculous.
Right? It's too much.

Come on. Go in.
It's the only thing you went
in there to buy. Go get it.

She's got a ton of latex gloves
in her office!

We'll just use those.
Good point.
We'll use the ones inside.

You need them to get inside,
so we don't leave fingerprints.

Fuck. That's right. You fucking
dummy. don't you know that?

I'm trying to...
it's just such a rip-off.
Hey, you know what we can do?

We can use my golf gloves
I got in my bag.

He's got gloves in his golf bag,
all right?

Great. We'll do that, then.
don't poke holes in everything,
'cause I'm trying to help out.

Okay.
Guys, the team's
back together!

Whoo!
I call lookout,

and I will let you know
if I see swiper.

Nice!

Let's go.

How we doing
in there, guys?

Oh, shit.
I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

We're all good in here. How are
things looking out there, Nick?

Things are good.

Hey, can you not say my name
over the radio, please?

Why not?

Could be somebody
on the frequency.

Oh, yeah. That's a good point.
Smart. Very smart.
Smart, smart.

There you go. That's using
the old Hendricks brain.

And there's
the last name.

Hey, you know what?
What?

We should come up
with code names.
Absolutely.

Hey, Nick, where you landing
on code names?

Boy, I'd love it
if you'd stop saying my name.

Can you just get the gas
and get out here?

Roger that.

"The blade"
has acquired the target.

Was that "the blade"?

Mm-hmm. That's
my code name, Nick.

We don't need code names.
Everybody knows who's talking.

I think they're sounding
pretty cool, though,

so let's try
to land on a couple.

I'm gonna think up one
real quick,

and I'm gonna
lay it on you.

Uh... I'm coming in at you
with "the majestic lion."

I'm gonna be
"the majestic lion."

Now we're talking.
Not gonna call you that.

That's a bummer there. I'm gonna
need a reason as to why.

'Cause you're not a jungle cat,
and it's stupid as shit.

Ah, fair point, fair point.
Good catch.

Uh, we should come up
with one for him.

Oh, how about "St. Nick"
for you?

Hey, you've said my name
like four fucking times now.

If you could just come back out
to the car, guys,

we can go home.

Oh, hey, you know what?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Somebody's here.
Somebody's here.

...drop "the lion"
and just "the majestic"?

I drop the "the" part, right?
I love that. I like that.
That's what I like.

Shut up
about the code names.

A bunch of people just pulled up
into the parking lot.

Uh, hello!
Get your thumb off the butt...

yeah, you're right.
It's too much.

¶ Hey ¶

¶ hey ¶
oh, my god.

¶ ev-everybody love
me, everybody love me ¶

real hot chick just pulled
into Julia's parking spot.

I think Julia's
headed into the building.

If you'd get your thumb
off the fucking button and...

ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.

Well, you know what?
It's not my fault.

It's not my goddamn fault.

I haven't done a thing illegal.
I can just drive out of here.

I can just
drive right home.

No, I can't do that.
I can't do that.

They'll just
fucking tell on me.

All right,
we're on our way to you.

The chickens have left the pot.
My god, my god.

The Coop, I think.
What?

Wait, the "my god, my god"
does sound like a thing.

I know it does. Oh!
Oh, shit!

Why don't you
set the food up over there,

and then we'll just
circle these chairs around?

Dale!

Kurt!

Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-caw!

God, Grant us...

Oh, shit. It's a cult.
It's a fucking cult!

...about our sex addiction
that we cannot change...

Sex addiction?
It's a sex addiction. Yeah.

Neat!

So proud of you,
each and every one of you,

for being here today.

Shit!

How's it going?

Hi. It's going, uh...

...You know.

I'm in trouble.

Save it.

Okay.

...something that happened
to them this week.

Found this gentleman
loitering out in your hall.

Oh, shit!
Nick got busted!

Says he knows
he's in trouble.

Yeah.

We're all in trouble.

You don't have to be afraid.
You're safe here.

Okay.

Sorry I'm late.

'Sup, brother?

Toby, why don't you grab a chair
and bring it into the circle

so this young man
can join us?

Yeah, um...

Boy, uh...

What's your name,
honey?

I am, um...

I am blanston.

Hi, blanston.

Hi.

Well, it's nice to have
some fresh blood in the group.

Appreciate it.

Fresh, cute blood.

Hey.
Easy, Julia.

Blanston, would you like to
share with us

what's led
you into recovery?

Uh, well, okay.

I-I do have
a very big... Problem.

Mm.

Just been hitting it
hard. I've been hitting it hard.

He thinks
he's in an aa meeting.

Getting together
with the guys.

Oftentimes,
ending up just face down.

Chugging one after the other,
sometimes double fisted.

Just "gah, gah, gah,"
you know?

You know
what I'm talking about.

So,
your sexual addiction,

it's... it's homosexual
in nature?

My sex addiction?
My sex addiction is, um...

And then
what did you say?

You like to fuck guys.
No.

My sex addiction
is to ladies.

Oh.
You know,
I'm addicted to women.

Boring.

Quiet!

What is...
she's coming! Hide!

But there was once, though.
There was once... oh, boy.

If I could just...
if this is safe in here,

I'd love to shake this out
and share it.

Something must've happened.
Don't fall on me.

Don't worry. I took a parkour
class at the community center.

Oh, he got her...
he got her to go back.

Uh, I was a boy.

How old were you?
I don't know. Young.

14, maybe?
I think we were.

Two 14-year-old boys
at camp,

and not knowing
what we're doing,

and just...

Wrestling.

Ooh,
wrestling camp.

14.

Nice.

Is he
telling the truth?

I-I don't know.
But, I mean, if he is...

Good for him, right?
Absolutely. That's great.

Did you guys wear those, um,
tight, little onesies?

Singlets?
Is that what they're called?

That's right.
Singlets.

Tight, little spandex
offering a clear, little outline

of, say,
a circumcised helmet?

Oh, boy.
Am I getting warm?

Okay, uh, maybe someone else
should share.

No, no, no.
Let's go to the unit.
Sorry?

What was the unit like
on this little b...

was it veiny?
Smooth?

Little turtleneck.
Anteater.

I just... I don't know.
Pretty normal.

It's, like, good to have
a gay friend in your
group, too, you know?

Absolutely. Yeah, I know. It is.
It makes us more colorful.
Yeah.

Now, did this penis ever,
a-at any point,

find its way
into your mouth?
Jesus.

Julia, no. You're not gonna
pull this stunt again.

What stunt is that?
Stopping a meeting early so she
can try to flip another gay.

Really?
She always wants
what she can't have.

Listen, relax, okay?
He's not even gay. He had
one cock when he was 14,

and it hasn't even made its way
into his mouth yet.
Well, if you'd let me finish...

so you did eat that cock.
You're asking
if I sucked it?

I know you sucked it.
I just want to hear you say it.

Okay, blanston,
you don't have to say it.

Roz, shut your mouth, please.
Yeah, shut up
and let him share!

So you ate it?
Please say yes. Please say yes.

You want to know
if I ate that dick?

Did you suck that cock like
a bomb pop down to the blue?

You want the answer?
Give it to me, blanston.

I ate that dick,
I ate those balls,

and I licked that kid's
sweaty asshole!

Damn right, you did,
because you are awesomely gay!
That's right.

I am super gay!
Never been straight!

You know what else
I've never been? Inside a woman.

Meeting adjourned.
Everybody out.

Son of a bitch.

Come on! Hurry it up.

Hurry it up! Come on! See you
later. Bye-bye. That's it.

Okay, Julia, you are
letting the addiction win.

Oh, fuck you, roz.
No one likes you anyway.

Okay.

Mm. Let's get you prepped
for a fill 'n drill.

Let's do it.
You ever done it
in a dentist's chair?

No, no, I've always
wanted to nail my dentist,

but he's... he's a man.

Oh, I'm gonna make you
forget all about him.

Hey, why... why don't you go
get the chair ready?

I'm just gonna visit
the men's room real quick, okay?

Oh,
you can do that on me.

Oh, uh... well, it's, uh...
it's, uh...

And...?

Mm, well, uh,
first time on the slopes,

so I'm gonna stay off
the black diamond.

Either way.

You guys are so noisy!
Let's go!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Congrats, dude. I'm so proud
of you for coming out.

I'm not gay. Come on, now.
I'll be right out, okay?

What... come on!

I just think it will be a little
suspicious if I disappear,

so I'm gonna
complete the diversion.

No, we got to go!
I thought you were gay!

I'm not gay. Go on, go on.
I'll be right out!

Oh, oh. I get it.
You're bi.

I'm not bi.

Not bi?

Do you have, uh, an "s"?

"S."
Yeah, I need an "s."

How's that?

Uh, do you have a scarier "s"
than that, or...?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a... oh, here.

This is from an article
about bridezillas.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Okay, uh, can I read you
what I've got right now?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Okay.

"Give us the $500,000,

or the little boy dies!"

"You have 24 hours-s-s-s."

Shit. I wish you were there
to read it to him.

That sounds scary as hell
in that voice.

Well, that's why I wanted
the scary letters, you know,

so hopefully he...
you know,

he's hearing a voice like that
when he reads it.
Oh. Oh, that
you would hope. Yeah.

God, I tell you what.
I hope this doesn't sound cocky.

I think we're really good
at this.

We're extremely good at it.
Yeah.

And I didn't want to say
anything, either,

but, like,
way better than murder.
Oh, my god.
A lot better than murder.

You know, it's like
we kind of found our groove.

This is fun.
It is kind of fun.

Like, it's like... and nobody
gets hurt or anything.

I always wanted to make
a ransom note like this.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.
All here! Let's go.

Oh! Son of a bitch.

I knew I should have been
gluing them as I went along.

Oi-oi-oi.

Hey. Hey. Talk to me.
How was it?

It was like something
I-I've just never encountered.

What, a-a woman?

I mean, she's so free.
She's so eloquent with her body.

I mean, all of that...
all of that sexual energy,

it flows from this place
of deep tenderness, you know?

It's called her vagina,
Nick.

Please don't talk
like that, you guys.

Come on, let's go.
Let's go.

Golly, listen to this guy.
He's being so protective.

I know. You're talking like
you fell in love with her.

What... are you
in love with her, Nick?

No, Dale.
That was a real long pause
right there, buddy.

That was a fucking
moment of silence.
That was a real long pause
right there.

I'm not in love with her.
That's ridiculous.
That's what we don't need.

I don't need you...
she gave me a very rich
and positive experience.

Oh, yeah?
Better than wrestling camp?

Oh, boy.

Nice house.

Eh, well,
he's doing well.

Good for him.

All right, let's discuss
our options, huh?
Breathe, and go!

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, you can't just park right
in front of the guy's house.

Wait. You want to carry
a giant unconscious
dude down the street?

He's gonna be way too heavy.
Come on! Let's move.
Come on.

That's a good point.
Good point.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't just walk up
to the guy's front door.
Shh!

Will you calm down?
We have a plan.

We have a plan!
Just relax.

Oh, do you?
That's great.

That makes me feel
a lot better.

Okay, you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.

Watch this. Go.

Ah, fuck.

Fuck. It's a bust.
It's locked.

The plan did not account
for a locked door?

Well...
Well, I mean, it's
a 50/50 chance it's
gonna be open, right?

How do you figure that?

It's either locked
or unlocked. Yeah.
50/50. Yeah.

It's like basic math.
What's up with you tonight?
Hmm.

Give me your credit card.
Yeah. Credit card.
Credit card.
Good. All right.

Plan b's got
a credit card in it?

Come on.
Your plan sucks.

Your math sucks.
That's what's going on there.

Wait. Shit.
What if he's in there?

Oh, yeah.
How do we make sure he's not?

I don't know. Why don't
you guys ring the doorbell
while you're hot?

I love it. Smart.
No. don't. don't, Kurt!

Oh, shit! Are you kidding?

You know, it's pretty
dark in there. I don't
think anybody's here.

Don't... don't hit it again!

You hear that?

I know that song.
Huh?

What is that?
It's a song, right? Is it...

yeah. What song is that?
¶ no matter what you do ¶

no, no.

¶ I will always be with you ¶

who sings that?
Badfinger.

¶ No matter
what you do, girl ¶

quiet!

¶ Ooh, girl ¶

¶ with you ¶
you nailed it.

¶ Knock
on this old gray wall ¶

shut the fuck up!

Shh. Shh.
Hey, you're yelling.

Hey.
You're yelling.

Do me a favor.
Hurry up.

Fail to open up
the front door

so we can get
the fuck out of here.

Ah, fuck.
Oh!

What's "fuck"?
What happened?

We got a problem.
Hang on.

Yeah, see?
Right there?

Yep.
God damn it.

There it is,
just staring back at us.

Okay, what now?

I guess
we follow your idea,

and we get
the heck out of here.

Yeah, we got to go.
No, no.

Hey, hey, hey!
My credit card is in there.

Yeah, I know. Just
call them and cancel
it. It'll be fine.

Yeah. They'll send you
a new one like overnight.
Yeah. Like that.

No, no, no.
When they find the card,

they're gonna know
that we were here.

It's pretty simple.
Oh, shit.

Well, technically, they're
gonna know you were here.

Go, go! Car! Car!

Is that his wife?

No.
That's a '93 civic,

and she's carrying
dry cleaning.

I'm gonna go
with a maid.

He married his maid?

Nice.

Mr. Rex!
Are you home?!

It me, Kim song!

I pick up your dry cleaning!

Okay, I got it!

Wow.
He's got good taste.

It's bent, god damn it.

Nice, clean lines.
Little pops of color.

Let's go.

Go?
What?

Hey, we just got inside.
Let's stay.

Yeah, so did she.
Let's get the fuck out of here.

What, are you quitting
on the plan, dude?

Back in! Back in!
Back in! Back in! He's here,

Why? Who's here?

Mr. Rex.

Shit!

Kim?!

You here?!

Hey, Kim.
You got my shirts?

Yes, Mr. Rex.
I go hang up now.

Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kim. Kimbo.

Take a look at this
for me.

Will you tell me
what you see?

Uh...
Are you gonna leave
this mess

in the bottom of my sink?

The... Water?

Yes. The little water droplets
all over the bottom of my sink.

I don't know what thatched hut
you grew up in,

but this is disgusting.

But it...
it just water.

Okay. Okay.

Then you just fire.

Mm-hmm.
You lose your job.

Too bad for you.

Bye-bye!

Look at you!

I got you again!

Look at
that little chubby face!

What, did you think
I was gonna fire you

on your fucking birthday?

Are you out of your mind,
Mrs. miyagi?

Get over here.

Come here, you.
Happy birthday!

Hold on one sec. Hey.

Yeah. No, no, no. I'm just
trying to make my maid's day.

It's her birthday.
Huh?

Hey, Kim.
Seriously, though...

can we keep a dry sink
from here on in?

Yes, Mr. Rex.

What's up?

No, fuck that, man.

Kim.

Ohh!

Dude, I'm trying.

My dad is being a total dick
about the money.

What's she doing?

Oh, my god.
What is she doing?!

Oh, my god.
Kurt, Kurt, Kurt.

What? What? What?

Oh, shit.
That's my thing!

She's doing my thing!

I can't believe
she's fucking doing that!

She's not going in
deep enough.

What a rookie.

Okay, there she goes.
Okay. All right.

Kimchi!

There he is!
Okay. Shh. Shh.

Shh, shh.
Oh, no.

He's gonna brush
his teeth.

He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it.
Here he goes. Here he goes.

Do it.
Do it! Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh!

Yeah, get them nice and clean,
you son of a bitch!

So satisfying.
Wait, guys. Okay.
Now what, though?

What are we doing?
What do we do now?
What do we do now?

We wait for him
to go to bed.

Dale starts the gas,
okay?

I've got the ransom note.

Not now. Not now. Not now.
Turn it off.

He said,
"Dale, start the gas."

No. I said,
"Dale starts the gas."

You said, "Dale, start..."
later, you idiot.

Turn that off!
We can't have the gas in here.
Jesus.

Okay.
I'll put this on the...

hey. Turn it off.

I'm trying to.
It's, like, broken or something.
Are you kidding me?

Give it to me.
Turn it the other way.
Turn it the other way.

We dropped it
like a million times.

I think we broke it.
No. See?

It's just like
it's not doing anything.

Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Get out of here?

What are you talking about?
He's right outside!
Shit! He's right there!

Then get the fucking can
out of here!

Don't start laughing.
Look at your face.

What is funny about this?

Look at his face.

Oh, no.
Dude, you got your face.

The gas. Is this the gas?
Face.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey.

No, no.
Listen. Keep it together.

Yes, it's the gas.

It's pretty good.

You keep it together.

Ooh. W-whoa!

I was trying to hit him.

Guys.

Oh, no, no, no. No.
No. No. No.

Okay. I'm good.
I'm good.

Let's...

¶ Tiger, a fighter ¶

¶ dancing through the fire ¶

shit. Kurt. Kurt.
Your phone.

Hmm? Oh.
Your phone.
It's your phone.

I got it.
I got it. I got it.
Where are we?

Shut it off.

Why is your wife
calling me?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

She's probably freaking out.
I didn't come home last night.
Quiet.

Dude, get your fucking head
out of my crotch.
Hmm?

Will you look at this fucking
view during the daytime?
Hey.

You kidding me?
Unbelievable!
All right.

He seems gone. Bed's made.
Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe this.
We should maybe just check.

Hey! Rex!
Hey.

Rex!

Rex!

Dale!
Huh?

Did you have a plan
if he responded?

I didn't think
that far ahead.
Yeah. Of course you didn't.

I would have
just been quieter.
Yeah.

You're even dumber
in the mornings.

You know, Stacy's
just gonna completely flip out

when I get home.
Dale, do me a favor.

What kind of dad
doesn't come home all night?!

Shut that down, okay?
You're not a dad yet.

Because if the worst thing
that happens

from this whole clusterfuck
is your domestic problems,

then we can consider
ourselves lucky.

We just dodged a huge bullet
back there.

We almost made the worst
decision of our lives.

No, that's true.
You know why?

'Cause if he opens
that closet door and sees us,

we're...
we're in prison right now.
That's... that's right.

You know?
So we're very, very lucky.

What the fuck
is the matter with us?

You know what?
I tell you what.

If a couple tiny things
went our way,

we could have
pulled that off.
No.

Just saying.
We're not criminals!

We suck at crime!
We're, like, nice, normal guys.
I know.

I like baseball.
I wear pants.
Yeah. Yep.

Back to being cogs
in the machine.
Cogs!

No shame in that.
Cogs, dude.

No, cogs are good.
It's a relief, you know?

It's like a weight...
a weight lifted off your...

what is that... shoulders?
That's right.
No, this is good.

This is good.
It's a fresh start

where everything's
gonna be like...

I'll call you guys later.

Please don't kill me!

Fuck!
Fuck! Oh, fuck!

What the fuck is that?!
What the fuck is that?!

What did we do?

We fucking kidnap him
while we're high on nitrous?

And then what? Just went
back into the closet

and went to sleep?
Why would we do that?

Shh, shh, shh.
What?

Is he crying?

The best!

That was so good.

Help me out.

The look on your...

Yeah. All right.

I really couldn't...

Your fucking face!

Oh, my god.
Hey, man. Yeah.

Whoo-wee.
Ah.

You had us.

Uh-oh!
Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

What's happening?
I don't know.

What's happening?
Oh, boy.

Oh, my god!
You guys!

I completely
underestimated you.

You fuckers
have some low-hanging balls!

I mean it.
I'm impressed.

Hmm.
I mean, I wake up,

I find you three
in my closet,

along with a ransom note,
a big ol' bottle of nitrous.

I'm like, "holy shit!

These fuckers
were gonna gas me!"

I'm about to call the cops
when I think, "hold up a sec.

These guys
may be onto something."

I want to partner up
on this thing.

Part... what are you
talking about?

What thing?
What are you talking about?

I'm not sure what you mean.
Mm. The thing?

This thing. My kidnapping.
Oh.

Truth be told,
pop and I,

we've hit
a rough patch lately.

He's refusing to cover
some of my expenses.

Blah, blah, blah.
Long story.

Anyway, your timing
could not have been better.

Is this
a fucking marlin?

Rex, this is, uh,
cool and all,

but we decided,
like, we're out.

You know,
we're not doing crime.
Yeah. Not our thing.

Yeah, no, he's right.
No.

The kidnapping is off,
actually.
Okay?

Huh?
No. No, no, it's on.

No, it's off.
No, it's totally on!

I sent the ransom note
to my dad!

You what?
You did what?
Yeah.

I was a little insulted

you only asked for $500,000
for me.

I mean,
is that all I'm worth?

Hmm? No sweat.

I tacked on
another zero.

$500 million?!

Wow. That's a ton.
No.

$5 million, guys.
$5 million.

$5 million. $5 million.
5? Right, right,
right, right.

Yeah. $5 million.

$1 million for you guys.
4 for me.

Why don't we find a pay phone
and make that ransom call?

Yeah, Rex, let's...
let's not, ok...

we appreciate
the generous offer,

and thank you very much
for not calling the cops.

Yes.
But we're gonna pass.

No.
Yeah.

Guys. Guys, how's this
anything but great news?

All I'm asking you to do
is finish your own plan,

but for double the money.

And, plus, it just got
1,000 times easier

because now
I'm your inside man.

I can make sure
dad pays up.

And then, you know,
when you "set me free,"

I can tell the cops
it was three other morons.

"They went thataway."

Oh. Well, wow.

I mean, that's not the worst
idea I've ever heard.

I mean, it's better
than our original idea.
A lot better.

G-give us one second?
Fucking what?!

We can't trust this guy.
You can trust me.

No, you're right.
What are we talking about?

Yeah. Of course.
They burned us once already.

We're not gonna get
burned again.
Nice try.

Uh, thanks,
but, no, thanks.

That's a niggerda...
Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us.

Nick, Kurt, and Dale.
Yeah.

So thank you,
but adiós.

Okay.
You need a ride?

No. I think
I'll hang out here.

You know...
escape from your clutches.

And call the police.

And tell them what?
Go ahead. Call them. Yeah.

We never kidnapped you.
Yeah, you did.

We didn't.
Yeah, you abducted me.

We did not.
Yeah, you brought me
back here.

There was a struggle.

Oh, shit!
Come on, man!

Things got broken.

What the...

And then
you assaulted me.

Oh, shit! What?!

This guy's fucking nuts.
What are you doing?

Hey, Rex.
It's off, pal.

Oh,
and then you beat me.

Mercilessly.

- Oh, wow!
- Holy shit!

He's "fight-clubbing"
himself!

We got
a "fight-clubber"!

And then I found my way
up here.

Then I found this phone.
Then I picked up the receiver.

Oh, no.
And I dialed 9...

don't, don't, don't call.
Come on, man. Joke's over.

...1...
don't you hit
the second "1."

don't hit it.
Come on, man. don't do it!
don't do it! Stop!

I don't know
where I'm going.

I don't even know where you
find pay phones these days.

No. There's some... there's some
pay phones at the park up here.

Okay.

Boys,
we are doing this!

The adventure begins!
Who's fired up?

Such a negative energy.
This is killing me.

Guys, come on.
Will you... can you actually...

can you scoot over
just a-a-a smidge?
Huh?

No.
I sit in the middle.

That's his seat, dude.
It's a whole thing, Rex.

I know.
It's just you're crowding me.

I'm crowding
this guy now?

He's forcing us to kidnap him,
and I'm crowding him?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Buddy. Simmer down.

Kidnapping was
your idea. Remember?

Yeah, but then we had
the idea to not do it.

Yeah, exactly.
I sit in the middle!

Hey, hey.

Dale, just do
what he says.

Oh,
for Christ's sake.

Oh, god. That is nice.
This is way better.

This is bullshit,
by the way.

E-excuse me,
Dr. Harris.

Was someone
in the office last night?

Uh, my sex addiction group
met here at 8:00.

Oh. Yes.

But, doctor, the keypad
logged an earlier entrance.

Really?

Let's check
our fancy new camera system.

That's a gay guy.
It's so weird.

He didn't bone me like a gay
guy. You know what I mean?

He only cried
like a little bit.

And he was oddly squeamish
about his own asshole,

which is weird.

It's so weird.

Yeah.
That's what I thought.

Is that... Dale?

What's he doing
with Kurt and blanston?

Should we call
the police?

No. No.
I'll take care of them.

Enjoy.

It's good stuff.
Learn something.

All right, guys.
It's ringing.

Remember... you guys
hold all the cards.

Game faces.
You are going to crush this.

Okay, wait. Hold on. Hold on.
He knows what we sound like.

We got to, like,
use an accent or something.

You know what I mean?
Accents?
No accents. That's ridiculous.

No, that's a great idea,
kurty.

Boulder stream.

Accent. The secretary.
Who is this? The secretary?

Uh, hey, homey!

Let me speak
to Mr. Bert hanson.

No, I don't mind holding.
Yeah.

I just barely even called you
right now, already.

That's incredibly racist.
Super racist.

Just... just do...
just a Southern accent.

Southern?
Southern I got.

Southern, Southern.
No problem.

Hanson.

Well, howdy, there, partner.

Uh, this here's the gents what
got your young 'un and all.

And, well, we... we got
some talkin' to do and...

Southern.
Not old prospector.

I thought
that was pretty good.

Listen,
you low-life bottom-feeder.

I don't have time
for this little fuck-around.

Either this ends right now,

- or it ends with bullets in your skulls.
- Now, you hush there.

You don't scare us one bit.
We got your boy.

Huh? I'll bet that tears
you up somethin' fierce.

Oh, yeah? How do I know
you really have my boy?

Dad!

Dad, is that you? Please!
They're... they're crazy.

They told me if you call
the police, they'd kill me.

Please.
Please do whatever they say.

I don't want to die, dad!
No police!

Oh! God!

Rex? Rex?
Where are you?

Now, you listen here.

Y'all gonna
have to wrassle up

that 5 million bucks
in cash.

We're looking
at all $100s.

Unmarked.
Unmarked.

No tracers.
No tracers.

And no dye packs neither!
Sure.

Otherwise,
we gonna take your boy

and string him up
by his pretty little neck

with the roughest,
coarsest piece of rope

we got
in our rope inventory.

You understand?
You got 24 hours before he dead.

- Boom!
- Yes.

That is how it's done.
Let's go. All right?

Guys, that was great!
Mm-hmm.

That was so much fun!
Yeah!

Absolutely.
You were incredible!

Thanks. Thanks
for getting us snacks, dude.

You earned it.

All right. So now what?
What do we do?

Okay.
What's the plan?

I say we go back
to the office.
Mm-hmm.

Okay?
Lay low for a little while.
Yeah.

And we wait for
that money train to roll in.

Choo-choo!

Choo-choo!
Choo-choo, baby!

Oh, turn up this song!
I love this song.
Mm!

We're doing this thing!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, I hate
to break up the car party,

but, Rex, you don't have
a plan for the ransom drop,

and that is the part
where people get caught, okay?

Wow. Wow.
God.

The ransom drop
is only hard

if the police
are involved.

Yeah, dude!
Yeah. That's right.

But what if he does
call the police?

'Cause that
wouldn't be good.

He's a billionaire.

Well, he's not gonna risk
my life over $5 million.

After Kurt's little
performance back there...
Aw, come on.

...there's no way
he's gonna call the cops.

Trust me.
My performance?

What about yours?
You were so in the moment!

You think so?
You were great!

And you were great!
Get your mouths off
his dick, okay? Come on.

I'm just saying everyone was,
you know, doing pretty good.
Whoa, whoa.

Take it down a notch.

Wait. Shut up!
Shut up, shut up!

Shut up!
This is Stacy.

Oh, my god.
I forgot to call her.

Uh, hi, honey!

Where the hell
have you been all night, Dale?

Now,
here's what happened...

I fell asleep at the office,
really?

Because find my iPhone said
you weren't even at the office.

What, are you cheating
on me, Dale?

Look, you're...
you're upset, and you're...
oh, shit!

Oh, god.
God damn it.

He called the cops.
Oh, we're busted.

Busted?! Oh, my god!

Well, fucker,
drive or pull in.
I'm not busted, honey.

No one is busted in like
a bad sense of the word.

Too late. Lupe's got us.
Pull in.

Okay. We're pulling in.
Put your head in my lap.

Honey, no one's head's
going in my lap.

It's just something
that the guys are saying now.

What the hell is going on?!
I can't talk!

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
I am fucked!

Okay. Let's just go in.

We got to be calm
and just be cool.
Shit. Hi.

Gentlemen.
You own this establishment?
This place here?

Oh, boy.
I don't know. Do you really
own anything in this lifetime?

We... we're renting.
We're currently renting the...
You know what I mean?

It's all just
material and matter.

We... yes. Yes.
Electrons, protons.

What?
Yeah. We do.
I mean, technically, yeah.

Let me ask you,
has your company

done business recently
with a Mr. Bert hanson?

Barb fanson?
Doesn't ring a bell.
No, he said...

not really ringing a bell.
I don't think that we have.

Yeah. No, no,
that's not our guy.

Oh, well,
that's interesting.

The way I hear it,
you're working with him,

and things didn't shake out
too well for you boys.

Oh, that Bert!
Oh, Bert hanson!

Oh, yeah.
Is that what he said?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We know him.
Yes. We know that guy.

You know, we had
a business disagreement.

No big deal.
We liked the guy

and definitely don't think his
son deserves to be kidnapped.
Yeah, yeah. Mm...

Kidnapped?

Who said anything
about kidnapping?

Uh...

I...
I want to say you did.

No, I didn't.
I think I heard you say it.

No, I didn't.
I feel like you did.

I sort of heard it, too.
You said "kidnapping."

I was like,
"what a weird word!"
Yeah, yeah.

Should be
more "kidnabbing."

No, I did not.
Did I say that?

I think you might
have said it, sir.
You're sure?

Well, I got a little lost
with all their yammering,

but pretty sure.

All right. Maybe I did.

Hey.
Been a long week.

We'll be in touch.
Yeah, yeah!

All right, see you guys.
Anytime you want.
And don't worry,

'cause the main thing
is that you said it.
All right.

Stop talking.
Stop talking.

And...
you've done plenty,
plenty of talking.

Where you going?
Come back here.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Come over here.
We're going this way.

And I don't want you
to thank me.

I just want you to go home
and enjoy your family.

Enjoy the rest
of the day off, everyone!

You've earned it!

Uh-huh-h-h.

Ohh!

The police
were just checking,

making sure
we're locking up at night.

You know, they're keeping
the neighborhood safe!

They're heroes!

Okay. All taken care of.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

No, everyone's gone. Oh.
No, no.

He's spinning out.

I was really clear
my life was in danger.

He called
the police anyway.

Yeah.

And since he did,
it's pretty clear

that we're not gonna be
able to continue with the scam.

$5 million
is nothing to him.

But I guess it's worth
more to him than my life.

Ooh. I don't...
Aw.

I'm his son, for Christ's sake.

Oh, boy.
We got a crier.
Yeah.

Look how blue his eyes
get when he's crying.

I'm sorry. This is
so fucking embarrassing.

Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Hey.

Toilet paper here.
You can blow your nose.

Look at this, okay?
Just because your dad
called the cops...

Thank you.
...Doesn't mean
he doesn't love you.

No, of course not!
Oh, my gosh.

Listen, I'm sure it was
just his first reaction.

Absolutely. It's natural.
He's scared.

He's confused.
Yeah.

I mean, Dale's a dad, you know?
I'm a dad.

Can you imagine if someone
stole just one of them?

No.
I can't even imagine.

You would call the cops
immediately.

No, I don't think
I'd call the cops.
You wouldn't?

I couldn't take that risk.

Ohh. No.
That's a different situation.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.

Bad example.
That was a bad example.

Maybe some alone time
would be the most helpful.

Why don't we step outside
and give him a minute?
Yes.

Right. Yeah. We'll come back.
And don't do anything rash.
We're just right outside here.

Can I talk to you
outside, please?

Oh, boy.

Man, I feel terrible
for that guy.

I know.
Are you kidding me?

Poor, poor guy.
I mean, that is rough.
I know.

Huh? Rough!
Yeah, that's a bummer.

Are you guys
shitting me in there?

Well, I mean, his dad
sold him out for, like...

honestly, it was
probably nothing to him.

Pennies to him.
The guy's so rich.

That would rock me
to my core.

I mean, have a little empathy,
Nick. Please?
Yeah.

What are
you talking about?

You're acting like
you have Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah.
What is that?
What is that...
like jet lag?

No.
Dude, do I look tired
to you?

You don't, no.

You don't look tired to me.
I'm fine.

Yeah.
Stockholm syndrome is when you
bond with your captors, idiots.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh. Okay.

Well,
then hold on a second.

He's the hostage.
Yeah.

So technically this would be
reverse Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah, and we don't
have that, okay?
Yes. True.

He's just a really,
really,

really, really,
really likable guy.

I like him a lot.
He's really likable.

Cool.
The guy's a winner!

You know,
that's so true.

It's nice to be around
a winner for a change.

Oh, boy.
It feels right, Nick.

Come on, man.
Here's what
we're gonna do...

we're gonna go in there,
we're gonna tell him

cops were never part
of this plan.

And the shit ends now.
Let's do it.

Come on.

It was
a wonderful idea.

Didn't work out.

So I think the best thing
to do is just to pull the plug,

and you tell the police

that the guys who got you
chickened out, let you go.

They're long gone.
They didn't all
chicken out.

Now's not the time
to back off, boys.

I say we chop off a toe,
mail it to him,

and double the ransom.

Now you're talking. Yes!
Chop, chop, chop!
Yes! Wait. Whose toe?

Not it. Not it.
Not my toe.

No one's toe.
Keep your toes.

Time to call it off.

Nick! Nick!
Come on!

Nick, look at me.
Oy.

Look, man, if we give up now,
I'll be just fine.

You know?
But you guys...

Your employees,
for god's sake...

Dale's little boys.
Girls, Kurt.

Hey, thanks. Yes.
Yeah.

...you're all fucked.

Nick, come on, man.
Look, man.

You can't just roll over
and die

every time your back
is against the wall.

That's right.
Don't roll over and die!

Yeah,
you got to be careful.

You have to take
what's yours in this...

you have to take it!
Take what's yours!
Put your name on it!

Write your fucking name on it
and say, "that's mine!"

And take...
and take it.

I think
I'll take it from here, okay?

He's got it. He's got it.
He's got it.

Listen, right here.
Listen to him, man.

This is where you want it
to come from.

Not us. We don't know.
Rex is...
I got it!!

Yeah.
Sorry, Rex. Sorry.

Sorry about that.
You got it, Rex.
He's got it.

Come on, man.

Help me help you
get revenge on my asshole dad

and get you paid
a million bucks, cash!
Yes.

Boy, it sounds awesome,

but there's no way
to get it done.

That's not true.
How about this thing?

How about this? How about if
we just put our heads together?

We brainstorm a little.

If we don't come up with
a ransom plan that you love,

we pull the plug.

Then you'd let us walk?
You have my word.

But if we do come up
with something really inspired,

then we're in it to win it.

Well, I-I can't stop anybody
from brainstorming.

Me and him...
like that.

All right.

I'll see you upstairs,
guys.

¶ Now, there was a time ¶

¶ when you loved me so ¶

¶ I could have been wrong ¶

¶ now you needed to know ¶

¶ see, I've been a bad,
bad, bad, bad man ¶

¶ and I'm in deep ¶

¶ yeah ¶

¶ I found a brand-new love
for this man ¶

¶ and can't wait till you see ¶

¶ I can't wait ¶

¶ so, how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

is "vagina"
with a "g" or a "j"?

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me n-o-o-ow? ¶

all right.

Let's run it down
from the top.

Okay.
First, we tie up Rex

in one of those abandoned
warehouses off 3rd.

Then we call Bert
on a dark phone.

It's prepaid
and untraceable.

Go to the bench on the 4th
street bridge to make the drop.

Not long enough
to trace the call.

God damn it!

These guys are pros.

I want a tracer
put in that bag.

The police are sending everyone
they've got to watch the bridge.

Weapons tight. Eyes on.

All right.
Tactical command, red team.

¶ And I felt the fire ¶

¶ there was nothing
for me to do ¶

here we go.

But when he gets there,

he finds the dark phone
that I planted ahead of time.

Then we call him
from the second dark phone,

and we tell him
to proceed downtown.

Hello?

You're gonna want to
pull into the garage

under the mandrake hotel
and park in space 4421.

There, you will find
a red bag.

You will transfer the money
into this bag,

then drive out and await
the location of the drop.

And we tell him
if anyone follows him in,

his son's
a fucking corpse.

¶ I am caught up
in your desire ¶

¶ it's flush-in-the-face
desire ¶

And when Burt drives
that far underground,

the police will lose
the signal from his wire.

But when he arrives,
instead of finding a bag,

he finds you three...
disguised, armed, dangerous.

Yeah, but the gun's
not loaded, right?

Of course not.
Nobody gets hurt. Come on.

I then tell him to give me
his jacket and tie.

So, just as the cops
are starting to sweat,

dad pulls out
with the new red bag,

just as he was instructed.

Sir, we have
the signal back.

Thank god.

Only it won't be
my father driving.

It'll be our ringer.

We're back on him, sir.
How do you know it's him?

I still have the cash,
and I'm heading to the drop.

I guess it's him.
Stay with him.

So, I drive
to the staples center.

Kings have Vancouver.
Great matchup.

Place will be packed.

The cops will stay
with the money

and wait for the kidnappers
to receive the drop.

Hanson made the drop.
Stay on the money.

We got our man.
Take him down.

- Stay down!
- Back it up!

A lot of them, too.
Back it up, please.

Son of a bitch!

By the time the cops
know they've been had...

...Kurt's a ghost.

And Nick and Dale
disappear with the cash.

And, finally, I am rescued
from my hellish captivity.

Oh, thank you.
Where's my dad?

Dad!

And a week later,
once the smoke clears,

we'll be sitting poolside,
splitting up the cash.

It's raining!
Who wants it?!

Yeah!
There's enough
to share!

Look what came.
Who's thirsty?

Who wants some Tequila?

It's cash!
Thanks, babe.

Hey, whoa! Dale!

Get your goddamn kids
out of the fantasy.

What? Let them enjoy the
pool and let them enjoy
the money, okay? Relax.

They're not even allowed
at this pool. They should
be at the kids' pool.
That's right.

I can't turn my mind off!
They're in my fantasy.

Guys! Guys! Guys!
Will you stop it?!

Come on!
Let's not argue, okay?

We came up
with an awesome plan.

It is smart.
It is mad creative.

You know, you boys
continue to impress me.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, man.

You came up with most of it,
though.

I did not, Nick.
You did.

That is a lie.
It was a team effort.

You came up with that
whole going into the garage,

- losing the signal.
- Yeah, that was good.

That was brilliant.
That was good.

Kurty came up with
the dark phone business.

That's from
"Grand Theft Auto." I took it.

Genius.
Yeah. Thank you.

And Dale, uh...

I had the thing
where you go on the zip line

to the trampoline,
to the skateboard.

Nick shot that down, though,
if you remember.

Yeah.
It wasn't a good idea.

It was a bad idea.
It really was.

You had a lot of bad ideas,
though, that led to good ideas.

And that is value.

Thanks, man.

All right, Nick.
Look, my word is still good.

You know, if you...

if you don't think
it can work, we call it off.

It's up to you, buddy.

Where do we get
some untraceable phones?

There we go!
Yeah!

That's our guy!
This guy!

There we go!

Prepaid with bitcoins.

Jailbroken.
100% untraceable.

We got it.
Thanks, man. Solid.
Thank you, motherfucker.

Good luck out there, boys.

What's that laugh about?
Why are you...

I just said, "good luck."

No, that was a sinister giggle,
motherfucker.

You said it with
a little sinister giggle.

I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying
that maybe you guys

might want
a little advice.

Boy, that was predictable.
No, thanks.
We're good.

You know what, then?
Get the fuck on, then.

Right, that's what I said.
"Get the fuck on." Let's go.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I don't like this.

Now I want to hear
what he has to say.

Oh, now you want hear?
You know some shit.

You got one on the hook.
Give it to him.

It's gonna cost you
51% share of your company.

- You're out of your fucking mind.
- Come on.

It's gonna cost you
2% share of your company.

Yeah, whatever.
It's so weird
how you negotiate.

It won't be in existence
tomorrow, probably.
You can have that.

There's a middle ground.
I'd like my watch back,
though, too.

Here's the advice,
young men...

y'all criminals.

It's never good advice, is it?
I can't find the advice
in that.

It's not even true,
actually.
Exactly.

We're not criminals.
We got dicked into this.

Shut the fuck up!

See, you can't have this
both ways.

Every time you guys
come in here, you're like,

"oh, we're just a bunch
of happy-go-lucky guys.

"You know, once again,
through no fault of our own,

"we found ourselves
in another pickle,

and we can't get our fingers
out of our asses."

Fuck that chicken shit!

You're fucking criminals.

You've tried to
kill your bosses.
One of them ended up dead.

Now, you want to
perpetrate a kidnapping?

You three
are the craziest

motherfucking criminals
I've ever seen in my life.

You want to
pull this shit off?

You got to act like it.

Word.

¶ Unh ¶

¶ unh ¶
¶ unh ¶

¶ unh ¶
¶ come on ¶

¶ ha,
sicker than your average ¶

¶ poppa twist cabbage off ¶

Oh,
that was embarrassing.

We're trying to do
a super cool slow-mo walk, guy.

Come on, man.
Easy.

No, no. It's over. Let's go.
Where you going, Nick?

Moronic idea.
Come on, man.

I am mortified.
Let's do the walk.

You got to stick
with it.

What do you think, Nick?

Should I beat myself up
a little bit more?
No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, you don't
need to hit yourself any more.

I just think we should
just go ahead

and just make the call,
all right?
Hold on,

before we kick this thing off,
could I just say something?

I'm not really good
at this kind of thing, you know?

Um, my mom died when I was 4,
and, um...

You know, when you're
raised by Bert hanson...

Most of your friends
are shitheads.

Um, yeah, and I know
I dragged you guys into this,

but I-I'm not sorry.

Because... I'm really glad
I met you guys.

Anyway, I want you guys
to have this.

What is it?
It's an actual fang
from "predator."

"Predator" the movie?
Yep.

I want you to have it.
Here.

For real?
Yeah. I swear to god.

Do you like "predator"?

Yeah,
I like "predator."

Kurty?

Yeah. Yeah,
I like "predator," too.

I mean also,
not the sequel.

Nick?
Oh, well...

I didn't like "predator"
when I first saw it,

but it grew on me
quite a bit.

I like "predator"
a great deal.

Are we talking about
him, or are we talking
about "predator"?

I'm terrible
with metaphors.

Let's just make
the phone call.

It was lost on me.
Most things are.

Yeah.

Hey,
you got that sack of cash?

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, now I want you to sashay
up to the 4th street bridge.

You're gonna find a bench there
about halfway up,

want you to take
a load off.

And you bring the amount
that we agreed upon,

and you come alone.

And if you do,
you will find your son

returned home
lickety-splickety.

4th street bridge,
he's gonna have him
drop it over the side.

Now, I want
every inch covered,

but everyone holds
a safe distance.

Yeah, but not too safe
a distance. Understand?

This bag is your
number fucking one priority.

No, actually, your son's life
is our number one priority.

Yeah,
you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

Does anybody
have a visual?

Bridge is still clear,
chief.

Hanson approaching.
Eta two minutes.

The blade
is in position.

Majestic, in position.

I am in...

Kill shot is in position.

Whoa, "kill shot"?

Yeah, I want to be
kill shot.

Then you are kill shot, dude.
I love it.

That's a pretty sweet name
there, Nick.

Oh, easy, easy.
We don't want to use real names

if we're
using code names, Dale.

Don't say my name
either, Kurt.
Mine was an accident.

Yours was clearly
on purpose there.

I'm sorry.
I don't think yours
was an accident.

What are
you talking about?!

You know,
why are we on walkie-talkies?
We're in the same room? Come on.

We're checking
the equipment.

We don't need to
check the equipment.

He's on
a TV remote control!

You know, I mean,
I was trying to participate.

I didn't
have anything to...

hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hold up. Blade's got a visual.

He's here. He's here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go,
here we go, here we go.

Oh, shit. All right.
Kill shot, make the call.

I'm dialing. Here we go.
Oh, my god.

Hey, what's that?

Who's calling you?

I don't know.
It's blocked.

Oh, no.

Hello.
Hi.

Who is this?
It's me, dickless!

Hey, what're you doing?
You're supposed to
call the dark phone.

I did!
You've got it in your hand.

You were supposed to tape
that under the bench.

No, that's not...
I... oh, wait.

¶ Whoo, whoo ¶

¶ talk dirty to me ¶

¶ whoo, whoo ¶

Oh!

Oh, shit!
So, what phone does he have?!

Bert has Kurt's phone,

with our contact information
on it.

And all the pictures of us from
when we used to be friends?

Are you kidding me?!
Easy, easy, easy.

Knock it off! Okay, look, this
is no big deal, all right?

We'll just punt.
We'll do it tomorrow.

All right? I mean, as long as
we don't call the phone,

- he'll never find it.
- He found it.

He... what?! How?! Shit.
We are screwed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got an idea.

I got an idea.
Okay, call your phone.

If he's talking on it,

he's not gonna look through it
and see all the contacts.
That's a great idea.

Here we go, here we go.
Okay. All right.

¶ Tiger, a fighter ¶

call coming in.
¶ dancing through the fire ¶

"roar" by Katy Perry.
These guys are confident.

Yeah, hello.

Well, look like the grasshopper

found himself a blade of grass
to sit upon!
Too much.

Hello!

Let's get this over with,
pretend cowboy.

Yeah, now, listen.
I need you to proceed

to the mandrake hotel.

I need you to go underground
into parking.

I need you
to get to spot 4421.

You're gonna see a big,
ol' bag there.

Fill it up
with that money!

And then I need you
to proceed north onto figueroa

and await
further instructions.

W-wait, wait,
wait, wait.

And don't think that we don't
know you got the law with you,

'cause that's something
that we do know!

All right?

So if any of them cavalry
follow you down in the garage?

I'm personally
gonna stick

a hot poker
so far up your son's ass,

I'm-a pop his teeth
like popcorn!

See? We're back on track.

Hey, guys,
with game-time traffic,

he could be here
in less than 10 minutes.

How we doing, Kurt?
Almost done.

Where are
the bellhop costumes?

The what?
The bellhop costumes.

Aren't we dressed
as bellhops

when we escape
with the money? Like,
we come out of the hotel...

what are you talking about?
This place doesn't even
have bellhops. No.
It doesn't?

I thought there was supposed
to be some sweet-ass...

no, there's no
bellhop costumes in there.

What the fuck are these,
man?

It's not Halloween time.
It's the best I could
do on short notice.

It's not scary.
Don't make fun.

Hey, guys,
how do I look?

Who the hell are you?
It's me, Kurt.

I know that part.
That looks terrible.

You don't look like Bert,
you look like mark twain.

Guys, none of this is
like I pictured it when
we were planning it.

Everything was so much cooler.
No, it'll be fine.

No, it will be good.

It just has to look good
from a distance.

You're driving by.
It's nighttime.

Here we go. Let's do it.
Let's roll. Let's roll.
Let's go. Let's go!

All right. Let's just do
what we got to do,

do it confidently
and we should be fine.

Here we go.

Oh!
Hi, boys.

Oh, hi.

You... you staying
at the hotel, or...

is this your hotel?
Are you staying here?

I've been
keeping my eye on you

since you
broke into my office.

I don't know
what's going on here,

and I don't give a shit.

Julia, why are you here?
What do you want?

I think you know
what I want.

No, I-I-I'm not gonna
sleep with you.

Why... why can't this crazy
bitch get it through her head?

I'm not sleeping
with the woman.

Hey. Keep it respectful.
Sorry about that.

Are you kidding me?
Don't call her that.

All right, look. I'm gonna
make this really simple.

I'm gonna call
the police, and I'm
gonna send you all to jail.

Don't do that.
Whoa, whoa. Come on.

Unless Dale plows me.

Why?! Why me?!
What is so special about me?

That's a fair question.
Everybody's wondering.
I am.

Did you ever
collect anything, Dale?

Boy, don't get him
going on this.

What do I collect?
Tons of stuff.

"Encyclopedia brown"?

Like, new beanie babies,
which makes no sense.

"Battlestar Galactica."

All right, fine.
I collect some stuff. Why?

Okay, well,
I collect cocks.

Cogs?
Julia.

"Cocks."
Oh, yeah. Well...

Mm-hmm.
Right up here.

I've got quite an impressive
trophy room filled with cocks.

We're in there.
Don't.

And at night,
when I close my eyes,

I reflect on them.

I alphabetize them.

I dust them.

Why are they dusty?

But there's one
little problem, Dale.

See that space,

that empty space,
above the fireplace?

See that?

You got
a cock missing?

That's reserved
for the only man

who's ever said no
to this.

That's you, Dale.
My white whale.

Please, no. Timeout.
Julia, I think we all know

this is just
the addiction talking.

And if you're looking
for something more than
just a quick fix,

I can provide you
something

that's very meaningful,
something long-lasting.

What?
What're you talking about?

I'm talking about
us. You know what
I'm talking about.

Us? All of us?

No.
That's even better.

No.
More the merrier!

Julia.
I love this idea.

You guys got a lot of stuff
sticking out.

I got a lot of holes
going in.

Just,
at one point of the night,

you'd better make sure that
that one is in this one.

Thank you. Ooh. Ohh!
That's not what I meant,
you misunderstood.

All right,
I'm gonna go freshen up.

Why don't you guys suck
each other off to get ready?

All right, here we go.
What are you doing?

What do you mean?
She's making us fuck her.

Well, I'm not gonna
fuck anyone.
Thank you.

Okay, I am willing
to make love to her,

if that is
what is required here.
Are you serious?

Uh,
can I borrow this razor?

Yeah. Go nuts.

Any requests?
Landing strip? Dinner roll?

Uh, whatever's there.
We're in a rush. Thanks.

Hmm.
Look, I-I don't want to commit
adultery on my wife. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. No, it's not
adultery if you're doing
it to save your family.

True.
Okay?

I mean, do you really think
Stacy and your little girls

are gonna
wait around for you

while you're in prison
for 30 years?

They're not.
Can't we just, like,

come up with
some kind of plan, though?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.
I got a plan. Okay, here we go.

Um, areas. Um, I'll go...
Butt, face, puss.

I cannot go in the puss. That's
gonna make me the most guilty.

No, good call. Good call.
Okay, how about this...

how about, uh,
butt, face, puss? Yeah?
That's where I should be.

No, I'm trying to talk about
a way where I don't ha...

wait, that's actually good.
Right?

Because maybe if we're switching
positions constantly,

she'll lose track
of who's where.
Like a shell game.

Yeah, like a shell game.
Right, right.
Three-card monte. Exactly.

Okay, and then I can just,
like, motorboat her boobies,

right, and then like,
you know, smack on her butt.

So long as
nothing is done

in a cheap
or degrading way.
Of course not.

We'll be as sensitive
as Dr. Phil.

I don't know
if I can fuck this woman.
Yes, you can.

Just think about your wife
and your girls, all right?
That's true.

Yeah, right, I'll think
about my little girls.

I can get it done.

All right?

Stacy!
Oh, no.

Hey, how did you
find me here?
Been there awhile?

Find my iPhone!

Ohh!

I knew you
were cheating on me.

No, I'm not though.
He's not. We're just trying
to stay out of prison.

Prison?

No, no one's going to prison.
No, no, of course not.

'Cause we're gonna
kidnap someone.
Kidnapping?!

No! Okay, first of all,
the man kidnapped himself.
That's exactly right.

And he forced us.

Dale wouldn't even
do the puss.

I didn't even
want to do the puss!
I chose ass both times.

I said puss is make me
the most guilty.

Wait! Shut up! You're not
helping me! Shut up!

Okay, look, uh, this is such
a stupid thing, honey.

And easy, and nothing sexual
is even happening here.

- Nothing.
- Come on, Dale,

this pussy
isn't gonna eat itself.

Julia?
Stacy!

Listen to me
for one second.
You are sick!

I'm not sick! Please!
Do not follow me!

Can I just explain...

do not follow me!
No! You fucking bitch.

Sorry. Really didn't mean
for that to happen.

Okay, Julia.
You want to fuck?

Yeah.

Why not, right?
You know?

My marriage is over.
It's basically ruined.

So how about I ruin that pussy?
That sound good?

What? No, no, no, no.
You're face.
I'm puss.

Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
This one's all mine.

What?
Let's do it, baby.

Let's do it in the shower,
huh?

Thataboy.
Is that what you want?

Nice and wet in here.

All right, boys.

I can't save my marriage
from prison, right?

No, you can't.
No. Great, Dale.

Let's roll.

We lost the wire.
Shit.

Should we send in
an unmarked?

We can't risk it.
We'll hold here.

Hello! Howdy do!

Go on that side.
Stop it.

Hey!

What the fuck
is this?

I do not need
that sass-mouth.

What I need is
that sack of cash.

Now get it over here.

Don't you throw it at me.
You slide it.

Do it again.
No, we'll keep it here.
Check it.

Holy shit!

Looky there.
We did it.

There's a pretty bag.
Okay. All right. Hey!

I'll also take that damn
mobile telephone you took from

the under bottom
of that park bench.

What?

The cell phone!
Give me the cell phone.

Throw the phone
over to him.

Now that fancy jacket
and that snappy tie.

Get them off.
Get them over.
No.

He say "no"?
I think he said "no."

But we got this.
don't you make me use
this six shooter.

Man's got a shooter,
now.

You make me sick.

You're what's wrong
with America.

Everyone just wants
a handout.

Take, take,
take from the people

who earn their money
honestly.

All right,
let's not chitchat now.

The man does have a gun.
You got a real lip on you.

I will shoot you
in the chest.

Well, go ahead.
Shoot me.

You don't
have the balls.

Yeah, he does!
He got big ol' balls!

Big mouth.
Nothing behind it.

- Dude!
- Oh, my god.

What the fuck?!
Oh, my god!

What did you do?!
Oh, my god!

You shot him!
No, I didn't!

Yes, you did!
That was not supposed
to be loaded!

What do you mean
you didn't do it?!
That's not my fault!

Oh, my god!
Wait, hold...

Man, you should've seen
your faces right now

when you started
blaming each other.

What's happening
right now?

I'm fucking you over.

No, no. But we're...
but we're all friends now.

You know, we are,
but what a great twist, right?

I mean, at first I-I was just
gonna take all the money

and throw you guys
under the bus.

Right?
I mean, come on, duh.

But then when dad
called the cops

and proved he doesn't give
a fuck about me...

...I realized... why just take
a few of his millions

when I can inherit
all of them?

And you guys could
take the fall for it, right?

Because in minutes
the police will be down here,

and discover that you three
killed my poor father

with a gun that you stole
from my room

when you abducted me.

That is a lie!

He knows.
He knows.

He knows.
Don't worry, guys.

I'll take it from here.

Sorry, Rex.
But we gotcha.

Why just take
a few of his millions

when I can inherit
all of them?

And you guys can take
the fall for it.

Ooh, checkmate, bitch.

All right, here.
Let's have that.

Yeah. Yeah.
No. Right. Sorry.
Thanks, man.

Didn't want to hold on to that
for two more minutes?

Naw, that was a gift.

Nick, did you park the prius
in the back alley?

I sure did, Rex.
Do you have the keys?

Here you go.

I'm really proud of you guys.
I mean, seriously.

You pulled together.
You work like a team.
Just like we planned.

I'm...
I'm gonna miss you guys.

Okay. Bye.

Catch!

Don't...
god damn it.
Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.
I just have good hands.

Fuck. Wait.
Hang on a second.

Hey, freeze!
Freeze!

Dale, come on.

You think I'd give you
a loaded gun?

Ah, shit.

Guys, seriously,
I got to get going.

I got to wait to be saved
at the warehouse by the cops.

See ya.

Oh, shit. Good luck
talking to the cops.

You have your dad's blood
all over your... ohh!

Can we not keep anything
to ourselves?
Fuck me!

I'm so sorry.
That's much worse
than what I did.

What did I do?!
You're friends with him.

You introduced me to him.

We're not gonna
be afraid of

an unloaded gun, Rex,
you dipshit.

He's got bullets.
He's got bullets.

He's got bullets?
Fucking hell!

Kurt, what are you?
A 32 waist?

Oh, dear god.
He's gonna rape us.

No.
Oh, you just want my p...

oh, he just wants
the pants.

That's great.

All time shittiest idea
you guys have ever fucking had.
Oh, my god.

I can't believe
you talked me into this.

This guy's dead now!
I know that!

He's fucking dead!
We should have stayed
cogs in the wheel.

This is taking
too damn long.

Shit.
This isn't about the bag.

This is
the goddamn drop.

Move in.
Everybody move in now.

Please take off the
incriminating pants, Kurt.

Well, what are
you talking about?

Run around in
my fucking underwear? Come on.

Why don't we just throw
the body in the trunk?

We got 5 million bucks cash.
There's police everywhere!

We're not gonna get away
with it! Oh, shit!

Grab the bag.
Get the fuck in.

Why?
We're gonna lead the cops
to that warehouse

before your boy
gets there.

If they see him out
walking free,

they just might
believe your ass. Let's go!

Get the money.

¶ Straight out of Compton ¶

¶ crazy motherfucker
named ice cube ¶

¶ from the gang called
niggaz with attitudes ¶

¶ when I'm called off,
I got a sawed off ¶

hey! Hey, guys!
¶ squeeze the trigger,
and bodies are hauled off ¶

goddamn it.
It's those idiots.

Come on! Let's go!

I'm pretty sure following
us is already a part
of their plan, Kurt.

You never know.
You want to make sure, right?

What is the seat belt
situation in here?

I got mine.
Good idea.
We should put them on.

Guys, can I get one?
Can I get under one?

Just hold on
to the dashboard.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
No, this is the wrong way.

This is the wrong way!
Turn around! Stop the car!

Who the fuck you texting?
I'm texting my lady.

Put it down!
If I don't check in,
she goes crazy.

Are you serious?!
Be careful. Careful.

By the way, what the hell
were you doing back there

in that garage
in the first place?

What's that, now?

Holy shit.
What's going on?

You were down there
to steal the ransom money,

weren't you?
Listen, I hustle,
I don't steal.

What the fuck does that...

what were you doing
in the garage, motherfucker?

All right, look, I was thinking
there was a chance

that your drop
might go south

and that guy would kill
all three of y'all.

And in such a scenario,

you'd rather me have the cash
than him.

A very big assumption.

He was betting against us.
You motherfucker!

I was honoring
your potential death.

Honoring us!
What are we, samurai?

Wait, hold on.
Oh, oh, hey! Train!

Train! Train, train!
Train! Train! Train! Train!

Nice! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

That's how you lose the cops!
That's how you lose the cops!

We're not supposed
to lose the cops.
don't lose the cops!

That's the whole idea.

It was a good thought.
We're going back now.

This is great.
I really wish
you'd just slow down.

You wouldn't make mistakes
like that.

Don't criticize the man.
He's doing the best he can.

Here, I'll let them know.
Hold on.

Hey! We're back!

We'll stay here
till all this shit goes by.

Then we'll all roll.

What the fuck
are these assholes doing?

They get that?
Yeah, I think so.
I think they're good.

What is that shit you're
carrying around back there?
Hey, yeah. What is that?

It's for my kitties.

Oh, yeah.
You got kittens, huh?
Surprising.

What the fuck,
I can't have kittens?

What? Why are you always
jumping on everything?

It's just weird you're
hauling around a cat stand, man.
I love pussy.

Hey, can I hop out
and piss really quick?

No, you cannot.
We're in a car Chase.

Super long train.
I feel like I could get it done.

It is
a lot of freight.

¶ It's not in the way you look ¶

¶ or the things
that you say that you do ¶

¶ hold the line ¶
eh... It probably needs...

Eh... Mm.
¶ love isn't always on time ¶

Aah!
¶ oh, oh, whoa, whoa ¶

¶ hold the line ¶

It's just too goddamn easy.

I feel like
I could've pissed by now.
Let him go.

Open the door. Get him out.
Caboose coming.

Ah, shit!

Oh, shit. Cops!

Cops. Cops! Cops!
Shit!
Cops, cops, cops!

What happened?
Ah, you lost your stuff.

You lost your cat stuff.
Yeah, you lost your cat stuff.
What?! Damn it!

Okay, there's a man there.
Watch out for him.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, we're boxed in here!
Ooh!

Not for long.
No, no, no, no, no, no!

I've always wanted
to do this!
Aah!

¶ We've got to,
we've got to make it last ¶

¶ I touch you once ¶
¶ I touch you once ¶

¶ I touch you twice ¶
¶ I touch you twice ¶

Shit.

What?

So where's this place?

It's up here,
under the bridge.

Hey, what're you doing?!
No, you're supposed
to go under the bridge.

Relax.

The wheels are locked.
Pump the brakes or something.

Yeah, yeah.
Shift down.

Put it in park!
I can't think!

No, no, no, no!
No! No! No!

Oh, fuck!

I'm gonna puke.

Well, what's the next part
of the plan, motherfucker?

There! There!
There! There! There!

Hey!
Hey, he's not here.

We beat him!
What?

We beat him!
Hey!

Hey! Nice job!

Where's motherfucker?

I don't know.

Cops. Cops.

Hey!

Get out of the car.
Put your hands up!

Just relax.
Please, put your guns down.
Okay?

All right, we didn't
kill anybody. I swear to god.

I don't give a god damn.
You tell it to the judge.

We didn't kidnap
anybody, either.
The guy kidnapped himself.

He's gonna be sneaking
in here any second. You'll see.

Yeah, hey, he was supposed to
be tied up to that
chair right there.

That's right.
Right behind you.

Who? Him?

Yeah!
Oh, that looks bad.

That looks bad.

This fucking guy!
You got to believe us.

That's them! Those three,
they... they...

th-they tortured me, and
then th-they said they
were gonna kill my dad.

Oh, don't listen
to that!

That's garbage!
No, no, no, no.

Tell me he's okay.
Please.

I'm sorry, son.

No!

- No!
- He killed his father!

He's a very strong actor.
Don't buy it.

- Oh, bravo!
- Get on the ground.

Okay!
We're getting down,
okay?

I can't believe you're buying
that acting, though, man.

It's really... I mean,
it's good but it's fucking...

you have the right
to remain silent, assholes.

You have the right to
an attorney, asshole.

Y...
¶ tiger, a fighter ¶

¶ dancing through the fire ¶

Hey.
Hey, that's my phone!

He has my phone! That's
the phone Bert had on the bench!

Check that phone!

If he was tied up here
the whole time,

how could Rex have the same
phone? Check the phone.

Exactly.
They switched pants!

Yeah. They got it.
They got it.
Check it!

It's the same ringtone,
sir.

Yeah, th-that's... th-that's...
that's my phone.

I have the same ringtone.
It's... it's... it's
an inspiring ringtone.

You were here this whole time
with a cellphone,

and you didn't bother
to call the police?

Ah! Ah-ha!
Yes!

Shut the fuck up.

Let me see it.
I said let me see it.

Everybody
move the fuck off.

Yeah, he looks
pretty guilty now, right?

He's definitely suspect.

Drop your fucking guns.

You shoot this prick.
You shoot this prick right now.

You drop your guns, or I'll
blow his fucking head off.

You hear me? Move!
Move!

Oh, shit, he's gonna
get away with this.

This guy doesn't quit.
Jesus.
He's incredibly resilient.

You. Keys in the car?
Keys are in the car.

This fucking guy.
Calm down.

This fucking guy
took everything from me.

"Calm down"?
"Calm down, Dale"?

No, fuck
this fucking guy!

He took my wife,
all right, step away.

He took my kids. I'm gonna
do something about this.

What are you
gonna do about it?

Look who's
a predator now, bitch.

Wait, Dale.
What are you doing?

Dale!
Oh!

Oh, I'm shot.

Cuff this
crazy asshole,

and beat the shit out of him
while you're at it.

- Oh, shit.
- Dale, buddy, you okay?

Hey.
Oh, wow.

What was that?

Dale, let's put this
down. Now, what was
the plan here, buddy?

I don't know.
I just overreacted.
It's not even sharp.

Yeah, adrenaline. I get it.
Did it just graze me, or...

No, you got hit in the...
I went right in me, right?

Yeah, right in the...
square in the fucking chest.

But you're gonna
be fine, okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
I don't know about that, man.

That's a lot of blood.
don't listen to him.
Hey. You're gonna make it.

Oh, thank you.
Hey, Dale, yes, if you
want hope, listen to him.

Good!
If you want the truth, I'm
your fucking guy, all right?

Oh, fuck you, man.
This is bad news.

Can we get
some help over here?

Don't worry, son.
We're gonna get you fixed up.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's a big fucking hole.
Yeah.

I'm gonna go
to this light right here.

If you've got to go,
you got to go, man.

Please don't let me die
with him talking.

I'll take care
of Stacy and your boys.

That couldn't be more annoying.
It couldn't be more annoying.

I'm not trying to be annoying,
I'm trying to have fun.
It's annoying.

Hey!
It worked, though.
Look at that.

Look who's talking.
You okay, pal?

You've been drifting in
and out, but it's nice
to hear you talking, man.

So, what's... what's...
what do the doctors
say? Am I gonna die?

Yes.
Yes?!
No.

We're all gonna die, Nick.
He's old enough to know that.

It's been very touch-and-go,
but you're gonna be fine.

Yeah, the doctors
are gonna let you out
of here now that you're up.

How long was I out?
Really?!
two years.

Four days.
That's better.
Why didn't you play?

I thought we were gonna say
two years or something.
No. No, no, no.

That's better.
We've got a woman president!

Ah, shit.

Look who's here.
Oh, my gosh! He's talking.

Oh, yeah.
You're talking. Hi!

We'll leave
you guys alone.

Please, let me
explain everything to you.
No, no, no, sweetie.

'Cause there are so many
misunderstandings.
Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay. It's okay.

Julia explained everything.

No. don't talk to her.
She's crazy.
No, no, no.

She told me everything
she put you through because
of her affliction.

"Her a-affliction"?!
It's just so heartbreaking
what she's been through.

Hi.

She also told me

that my husband is the only one
that ever resisted her.

Okay.
Dale,
you are one lucky man.

Your wife is so
understanding and caring.

Right.
So... Beautiful.

She has been so supportive
with the babies and helpful.

Please, it's the least
I can do to make amends
for my bad behavior.

Okay.
Okay, baby.

I'm gonna find Dr. Mike and
tell him that you're talking.

I'll see you soon.
Okay, good. Yeah, go get
the doctor 'cause I'm...
I'm feeling a little...

what is going on here?
What's up?

So, I-I'm off the hook?
There's no more white-whale
business or any of that?

Mm-hmm. No more.
You're off the hook.

Really?

Did you know
that when men are in a coma...

They can still
get an erection?

It's true, Dale.
Coma boners.

"Coma boner"?
What?

Lots... And lots...

Of coma boners.

Think about it.

Oh, shit.

All right, well,
I better go.

I'm booking a spa day
for me and Stacy.

Hmm.

I'm gonna
fuck your wife, Dale.

No, no. No.

Uh, no, you're not. Hang on.
Yes, I am.

Hang on. No!

Hey! There she is.

Boys.
You look fantastic.

Mm-hmm.
You know, been sending you
a lot of unanswered texts.

That's not how you catch them,
am I right?
I think she said
she's gonna fuck my wife.

"Gonna fuck"?
I thought she already did.
Oh, boy, yeah. That horse
may have left the barn.

I figured those guys
have been bumping tacos
for the last few days.
Shit.

Super touchy-feely lately.
I can't process this.
This is too much.

Anyway, so, like,
what's even going on?

What happened? Did we get in
trouble with the police, or...

W-we did, yeah.
Yeah. A lot.

We got arrested
for a long list of felonies.
Mm-hmm.

But because you took
a bullet for the detective,

d.A. Got rid of
a lot of the biggies.

Pretty sweet.

All right, so I'm guessing
we saved the business.

Nope. We did not. No.
We did not.

The bank foreclosed
a couple days ago.

Going once, going twice,
sold!

D.H. Commercial trust.

But there's
good news, too.

The guy who bought the company
is keeping us on to run it.

And then, in
the wholesale department.

If we bring that
down to $300, you've got...

lupe!

Oh! Hola, lupe!
Hola, hola.

Mm-hmm.

Uh... Skymall?

- Sí! Skymall.
- Great! That's great news.

Uh, skymall order
is ready to ship!
Yeah, the boss
is gonna love that.

Yes, he will. Let's go
show him these great
numbers, too. Come on.

Are we happy
with these numbers?

Oh, I mean...
They're pretty good.

There's room
for improvement.
We can do better.

Oh, my god.
I just realized.

You actually thought you
were bringing me good news.

The three of you
walked in here

with little smiles on your
fucking pathetic faces.

Why were you born?
Why were the three of you born?

It's like looking at you
is like looking out over the
grand canyon of ineptitude.

I mean, it's a wonder
your parents didn't
smother you when you w...

- where are you going? Oh, no, no.
- See you next week, boss!

I have an idea... why don't you
try a suicide pact, huh?!

And I'm not talking about
throwing yourself off a building

or some sleeping-pills
fucking shit!

I'm talking about, you can
fuck each other to death!

Where the fuck do you think
you're going?! I own you!

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

Well, we have several
franchise opportunities

available in your area,
but, uh, purchasing a store

requires significant
up-front investment.

Well, in that case...

...start me off
with three locations.

I'm sure that we
can accommodate you, Mr. Jones.

Please.

Mr. Jones?
That's my daddy.

Call me motherfucker.

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

every... this guy!

¶ How you like me n-o-o-ow? ¶

okay, first, we tie up Rex

in one of those abandoned
warehouses off 3rd.

First, we're gonna tie up Rex...

First, we're gonna
tie up Rex in one of those...
fuck off, everybody.

As soon as Bert's car
is underground...

The police loses...

Bert's car
goes underground, right?

Police lose the signal
from the wire.

Do you guys validate parking?
Not you personally. Obviously,
that would be racist.

You're gonna
pull into space 4421.

I got to call you back.

The bank foreclosed
two days ago.

Hey, but there is
good news.

Really?

"Really?"

We need to talk to somebody
who's legitimate.

We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.

I can't take you to the next
scene any better than that.

Well, then I would
marry Daniel Craig,

I'd fuck Sean connery,
and I'd kill Timothy Dalton.

I would marry ed helms,
fuck Bradley Cooper,

and kill
Zach galifianakis.

Marry crackle...

Fuck snap, kill pop.

Mm-hmm.
Right?

Oh, my god, do you know
what this looks like?
What?

It looks like we don't know
what we're doing.

Boy, I'd love it if you'd
stop saying my na...

Wait, hang on a second!
Hey, freeze!

Guess who's
got the gun now?

Me.

Where do you think
she learned it?

Maybe from
the first movie.

Get that chair ready.
I'm gonna take a quick
tinkle, all right?

Oh, but I'm thirsty.

Save me a shake.

I just can't say it.

So you want to
use the ransom...

- what is it?
- Uh...

"Y'all plan to use the ransom
to save y'all bidness."

I just like
to hear you say it.

Come on, man.

Help me help you
get revenge on my assho...

...my asshole...
Asshole dad!

You have to take
what's yours in this...

In this l...

I mean, you have to...
You have to...

...take what's yours
in this life.

Take it!

Grab it!

You will pass your empty,
sack-less ball sacks...

No, it's not that.

"Empty, shriveled sacks."
They're shriveled.

I should know that
just looking at you.

That's your credit picture
right there.

Here comes the heavy.
I smell dog shit.

Do you really?
Yeah.

It might be
your acting.

¶ No matter what you are ¶

¶ I will always be with you ¶

¶ doesn't matter
what you do, girl ¶

¶ ooh, girl, with you ¶

¶ no matter what you do ¶

¶ I will always be around ¶

¶ won't you tell me
what you found, girl? ¶

¶ ooh, girl, won't you? ¶

¶ knock down
the old gray wall ¶

¶ be a part of it all ¶

¶ nothing to say,
nothing to see ¶

¶ nothing to do ¶

¶ if you would give me all ¶

¶ as I would give it to you ¶

¶ nothing would be,
nothing would be ¶

¶ nothing would be ¶

¶ no matter what you are ¶

¶ I will always be with you ¶

¶ doesn't matter
what you do, girl ¶

¶ ooh, girl, with you ¶

¶ ooh, girl,
you, girl, want you ¶

¶ ooh, girl,
you, girl, want you ¶

You guys like
cool shit like this?