All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E07.Election.720p.WEB.x264-[MULVAcoded]

- Would you just listen?
- No.

- If we line up
the voters this way,

they'll be shuttled
towards the impulse buys.

- There are going to be millions
of new customers in here,

and you're focused
on the chewing gum?

Why not funnel them towards,
I don't know,

the big-ticket stuff?

Get your head in the game.

- Oh, my head is in the game.

I've been here since 4:00 a.m.

I've already had three meals.

- It's not even 7:00.
That's too many meals.

- It's 7:00.
We should open.

- Good idea.
I'm on it.

Let the democratic process
begin.

- No, I'm in charge.

I get to let the voters in.

Let the democratic process
begin.

- No, you messed it up.
- I know what the code is.

- Yeah, but I already put in
the first three digits.

- Okay, so what's clear?

- That's enter.
You got to go back.

No!

Great. Three wrong codes,
so now we have to wait

five minutes
before we can try again.

- Yeah.
Thanks, Dina.

I'm sorry.
It'll be a few minutes.

- Attention Cloud 9 shoppers,
Election Day is here,

and we're offering up
big discounts

on all American-made products.

So that's 40% off
your generic medications,

inferior electronics,
and cheese curls.

- What is a comptroller?

- Something to do
with computers, I think.

- Really? Or do those
two words just sound the same?

- They sound the same.
- Yeah.

Doesn't mean
it's not true, though.

- What is this?

- "Official Cloud 9
Election Guide."

- They're trying
to tell us who to vote for!

- I don't know what
you're complaining about.

I love getting mail.

- You don't think
it's a little misleading?

"Jack Peterson supports
your right to work,"

which is basically just another
way of saying "anti-union."

- Let's not use the U-word.

- While Gary 'Slick' Langham"...
- "Slick."

They're actually using the
nickname his opponent gave him.

- Langham "has never gone on
record as being pro-America."

- What's his problem?

- Glenn,
it just seems really shady.

Are they even allowed
to do this?

It's not like anyone around here
ever reads anything anyway.

- Yeah, we do!
- That's ridiculous.

- Oh? What was
the emergency safety memo

I sent out last week about?

- Um...
- The...

- See?
Relax.

It'll be fine.

By the way, the answer was
the building got an F

in tornado preparedness.

The inspector says
this place is a house of cards.

- Hey. I'm just reminding
everyone to vote.

We want a 100% employee turnout.

A lot of people died
so you could vote.

Also, a lot of horses died.

We always forget
about the horses.

- Oh, I'm not 18 yet.

You know, it's funny.
I can drink, but I can't vote.

- Well, I'll be definitely
getting my vote on.

Hey!

- Okay, good.

Also, voting time is unpaid.

Nobody paid those horses to die.

- Cheyenne,
can you keep a secret?

- Oh, my God.
Not really, but go.

- Okay.

A few months ago, I found out
that I'm actually undocumented.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

I don't know what that means.

- It means
that I'm an illegal alien.

No, I'm...
I'm human,

who happens to live
in the country illegally.

- Oh.
That's your secret?

I thought you were gonna tell me
about how you're dating Jeff.

- Wait.
You know about that?

- Yeah, but don't worry.

I only told my baby,

and she's not
gonna tell anybody.

She doesn't have any friends.

- Well,
it doesn't matter anyway.

When Dina finds out
I can't vote,

she'll figure out
what's going on and fire me.

- Oh, you can't just get
one of those "I voted" stickers

and say that you voted?

- Oh. Yeah.
Right.

Chey!

You are so much smarter
than what I tell people.

- Aww, thank you.

So, do you love Jeff?

- Shut up.
I don't know. Maybe.

- Oh, gosh, Syd,
I guess if I was pressed,

I'd have to say

Buzz Aldrin, Bruce Lee,
or Murphy Brown.

- Beep. Beep.
Java truck comin' through.

- What're you doing?

- American coffee
for these American heroes.

Actually,
the beans are from Rwanda,

but the water's from the good
ol' faucet in the men's room.

- Well, as I'm sure Syd here
will tell you,

you can't
give poll workers gifts.

That's called bribery.

Actually, I usually have
a Danish with my coffee.

Oh.

- Yum.
- So do I. Yeah.

- Fine, I guess
I'll go buy myself a Danish.

- Have a heavenly snack.
- Enjoy it.

- Yeah.

Could you move?

Oh, hi, I'm Glenn.

I really want
these poll workers to love me.

- I'm not the one
throwing myself at Syd

like some kind
of cigarette girl.

- Oh, please.
- Yeah, please... move!

- No, I'm sitting here.
- I'm putting this here.

Find somewhere else for it go.
- No, I'm putting it there.

- Aah, it's hot!

What did you do?

- I didn't do it!
You did it with your tushy!

- Damn it.
Distract them.

- What?

- It's totally slanted.

They're just pushing
the pro-business,

anti-worker candidates.

- What? A corporation
doing something unethical?

To protect its interests?

This is shocking!

- All right.
Maybe Glenn's right.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

Hey, Marcus?

Who did you vote for
for state senate?

He's pro-freedom
and anti-bad guys,

and those are two things
I can get behind.

Hey, are we still on
for drinks tonight?

- Please stop asking us.
- No.

- We never were.
- Ah, cool.

Well, we'll figure it out later.

- God,
people will believe anything

with the word "official" on it.

Do you know what we should do?

No, never mind.
It's stupid.

No, I'm gonna say it.

We should make our own pamphlet
with the truth.

- Ooh.

- A rogue pamphlet?

You're crazy, lady.

- I think that's a great idea,

and I have layout experience.

I was the editor...
- Editor on your high school...

- I already told you that story.
Forget it.

I am in.
- Me too!

- Couldn't be less interested.

- Hey, should we invite Sandra
to drinks tonight?

Or is it just the core four?

You guys are busy.

Everyone's busy.

Could I just snag
one of these stickers?

- Oh, these are just
for people who voted.

- I would, but I just don't like
any of the candidates.

Trump's all like...

And Hillary's all...

Anyway, enough politics.
I just need a sticker.

- Well, I'm sure
the store sells stickers.

- I'm not just trying
to collect stickers.

I'm a grown man.

Oh, my God...
Is that James Brolin?

- Who?

- Barbra Streisand's husband?

Josh Brolin's dad?

Diane Lane's ex-father-in-law?
Am I crazy?

Sir, you know
who James Brolin is, right?

- What's he running for?

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, yeah.
That's drying up real nice.

Did you write yourself in
for attorney general?

- Could've been anyone.

Come on.
Hurry up.

You know we got to get these
back before anyone notices.

- You know what I just realized?

There's, like, 50 ballots here.

That could change the outcome
of a close election,

so we could be changing
the course of history.

- You think so?
- Sure. Think about it.

Right now, you and I
could be setting into effect

a chain of events
that could cause

the colonization of Mars
or World War III

and billions of innocent deaths.

You know, it's funny,
I try so hard to keep

God out of the workplace,
and yet, here I am,

in the workplace,

and I am God.

What are you doing?

- We need to speed this up.

- No, turn it off!
- I'm trying!

Oh!
Oh!

Come back!

- Okay. We're just gonna have to
face the music and tell Syd.

- We tampered with an election.
Do you know how serious that is?

- It was a goof-up!

- We have to cover our tracks.

We've got to come up
with an alibi

for what we've
been doing all day.

- Okay, uh...

We were in my office.

And we were working.
- Too vague.

The more specific the lie,
the more believable it is.

Okay, we were in your office
because you were telling me

about the affair
you've been having

with your dental hygienist.

She likes when
you dance for her.

- I do not want
to be having an affair!

- Do you want to go to jail?
- No!

- Then you've been dancing
for Shelley!

- All right, fine!
- Okay.

I'll erase
the security cam footage.

You need to find a field at
least an hour's drive from here

and bury that ballot box,
and I mean bury it deep.

Then we can never, ever,
ever tell anyone...

- Hey!

- Not to put my head
in the lion's mouth,

but now I'm thinking
Times New Roman.

- Times New Roman
would be a fine font, Jonah,

and so would Helvetica
and Garamond,

and really any font
would be just fine.

- Not Wingdings.

- No one was suggesting
Wingdings.

- Oh, you guys looking at porn?

- What? No.
We're making the pamphlet.

- Wow! And they said
it couldn't be done.

But lo and behold,
here you are doing it,

making a pamphlet!

- I feel like he's mocking us.

Ooh, what about Palatino?

- Oh, Palatino's nice, actually.

- You watching porn?

- Yup.
- Mm.

Oh, I know that girl.

- Guess who got a sticker.

- Oh, my God, really?

- I made it myself.

Yeah.

I appreciate it.

The thought, not the sticker,

because it's useless.

It's garbage.
'Kay?

- Hey, girl.
- Hey.

- Bitching color, boo.
- I know, right?

- Yeah, really brings out
the blueness of her veins.

Listen, I've been thinking
about it a lot lately,

and I have decided that you are
my best friend in the store.

- Me? Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay, well, you're nice too.

- Yeah, I am nice.

Anyway, I've been
thinking about it,

and I feel like
we should just have

a good old-fashioned
girlfriend gabfest.

Maybe you could tell me
if you've seen or heard

anything suspicious recently.

- Mm.
Suspicious?

- Yeah, you know, like...
I don't know...

if you know of anybody
doing anything illegal.

Dish, girlfriend!

- Mm.
Um, no.

- Really?

'Cause, you know,
there's nothing I hate more

than when my best friends
lie to me.

- Okay, I have to go.

I have to pee really bad.

Excuse me.

- You want me to come with?

That's what best
girlfriends do, right?

- Do you think she knows?
- It's hard to say.

She's either playing dumb
or just is.

- Jack Peterson is anti-union,
anti-worker,

but Gary Langham wants
to raise minimum wage...

- And expand sick days.
- Paid sick days.

- I don't know about youse guys,

but I'm fed up
with these corporate fat cats.

- Not all warehouse workers
are from 1950s Brooklyn.

- You know what, I'm fed up with
these corporate fat cats too.

I'll take one of those.
- Hey!

- She's a good broad, huh?
- And you're a good guy, Jonah.

- Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

- You really think Dina knows?

- Maybe. She asked me
a lot of weird questions.

- The stupid poll worker lady
is guarding those stickers

like it's her last tub
of Activia.

- Oh, hey.
Mateo, did you vote?

- Oh, my God. Why is everyone
obsessed with voting today?

- Oh.

So then, I take the L train

from the docks to my
mother's house in Flatbush.

Hey, youse a good kid,

respecting your mother
like that.

- Yeah, but sometimes,
you got to say,

"Hey, Ma,
I'm going out with the fellas."

- Yeah.
- "I'll see you at church."

- Oh, your guy's religious.

- No, he goes to church

to respect his
mother's old-world values.

- Sure.
- Obviously.

That's the story.

- You know,
don't take this the wrong way,

but I feel like you've become
a lot more fun

since I've known you.

- Thanks.

And if I may return
the compliment,

I think you've become
marginally less annoying.

Don't make me blush
in front of the fellas, huh?

- Hey, Syd.
Everything all right?

You were in there a while.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- We just wanted to make sure

there were
enough poll workers out there,

'cause, you know, we wouldn't
want any voter fraud to happen.

- Even though,
as I keep telling him,

there's almost no voter fraud
in this country.

I mean, it's not worth
the penalty of, um...

- $10,000
and five years in prison.

- Did you say "prison"?

Or "prism"?
- Why would he say "prism"?

What's five years in prism?

- Let him answer.

- Prison.

- With an N or an M?
- Oh, my God.

- So then
I rip up my note cards.

- And say, "Fellow students,
forget these note cards."

- Going rogue.

- "I'm going to speak
from my heart."

- And then, from the back
of the auditorium, Renee yells...

- No.
Mm-mm.

- "Those cards are blank!"

- Oh!
Renee is the worst.

- I haven't even told you
about the Winter Ball story...

- Surprise!

- Oh, hey.
Hi.

What are you...
What are you doing here?

- You said you'd help me
pick out some towels.

Oh, hi.
I'm Naomi.

- Oh, Naomi, this is Amy.
She's my boss.

Amy, this is Naomi.
She... we're...

- Oh, it's okay.
We don't have to label it yet.

It's nice to meet you.

- You too.
As well.

Yeah.

- Naomi works the cheese booth

at the farmers market
by my house.

- Yes, the cheese booth,
not the soap booth.

I forgot about that guy!

"Where's the soap booth?"

Yeah.

- This guy sounds crazy.

- So do you have time now?

- Yeah, well...
Amy, is it cool if I help Naomi

and then we'll do
the pamphlet stuff after?

- Yeah.
Of course that's cool.

Wow, a new apartment.
A new man.

It's a good time
to be Naomi, hey?

Yeah. Thanks.

- Okay.
All right.

- Oh, my God.

- Rats gave birth
in the nacho cheese.

Cooked themselves to death.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Marcus!

Hey...
you've been to prison, right?

- Yeah.
I mean, like, barely.

Long enough to form
lifelong friendships.

- How do you think a guy
like me would do in there?

- Baby face.
Kind eyes.

Soft skin.
Cute tummy.

You'd be very popular.

- Oh.
Well, that's good.

- No, that's bad.

That's very bad.

- Oh.

Let's say, hypothetically,

that two people
accidentally committed a crime.

There may have been a witness.

- Okay, well, if it were me,

I guess I'd get my partner
to confess on tape.

That way, if it went south,

you could trade that in
for a reduced sentence.

That's what my mom did to me.

- Huh.

Okay.

Thanks.

- Hey, Marcus.
You've been to prison, right?

- Oh-ho-ho.
Look who's in demand today.

Yeah, that's a very "you" towel.
- Okay, you can have that one.

- No?
All right.

- Did you guys meet Naomi?

She's super cute.

- Yeah,
she's really cute for Jonah.

- Do you think they're serious?

- Oh, yeah.
They've had sex, like, 11 times.

- Really?
- I don't know.

- You okay, sweetie?
You seem stressed.

- Oh.
Oh.

My shoulders are so tight.

What are you doing?

- I was trying
to feel your breasts.

- Maybe he's drunk.

There's a lot
of drunk people here.

I just noticed something on
the ballot about a "Supertrain."

but it sounds more powerful
than a normal train.

Let's make this happen, people.

Vote Supertrain.

- Testing.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?

- Yeah.
Come on in.

I thought we should talk about

all the stuff
that went on today.

- Yeah. Actually,
I was thinking the same thing.

It would be great
to just get on the same page.

- So, Dina Fox.

4:17 on November 8th, 2016,
right?

- Yeah. Crazy day,
especially given

all the things you did,
Glenn Sturgis,

son of Arthur
and Marian Sturgis.

- Hey.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
Naomi was coming in today.

- No, it's...
I mean, it's totally fine.

I was just surprised.

I didn't even know
you were dating anyone.

- Oh.

Is that something that I'm
supposed to inform you about or?

- No!
No, I don't care.

I was just making conversation.

- So the new shift starts soon.

Do you want me to just hand
these out as people clock in...

- Oh, do you know what?

- Hey, you're gonna vote
how I tell you to vote,

or I swear to God,

I'm gonna put a cricket
in your house,

and you'll never know
where it is,

and it'll drive you crazy.

- Yeah. Well, you were busy,
and, you know,

I figured your shift is over,
so...

- Yeah. Yeah, no.
Cool.

Okay, then, I'm gonna clock out.

- Yeah. See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

- We're gonna vote right now.
- Put me down! My bones!

Put me down!

- He's such an idiot.

- Okay.
Don't ask me any questions,

but I want to buy your sticker.

I can't tell you why.

- Okay.

- It's just, you know,
it's kind of a secret.

- I absolutely do not care.

Excuse me.

- It's kind of a long story.
- Do not care.

- Okay.

- You know, that's funny,
because I distinctly remembered

you destroying the ballots,
Glenn Sturgis.

- Well, that's really funny,
because how could I have?

I was in my office
all day long...

having an affair with
my dental hygienist, Shelley.

- Excuse me.

- Just wanted to let you know
I voted.

- We're having
a casual conversation!

- Get out!
- Okay.

- District 35,
where we are projecting

pro-labor candidate
Gary Langham will prevail.

- Yes!
Yes!

We did it!
We got Langham elected!

- Ames!
Did you see?

- Yes!
- We did it!

- I know!
It's amazing!

- Oh, it's such a rush.
Thank you for involving me.

- No, thank you!
We made a good team.

- We did, didn't we?
- Yeah, we did.

- Ew, no.
Marcus, what the hell?

- What? I thought
this was, like,

a flirty thing we were doing.

- No.
- I'm so sorry. Wow.

I totally misread that.
Ugh.

- I mean, it's okay.
I just... I was just startled.

I was just a little...
Marcus!

- You just said it's okay.

- Hey, Dorothy.
- Uh-huh?

- We're missing 53 ballots.

- Really?

Jeez, that's way down
from last time.

- Just tell me what you did.
- No, you tell me what you did!

I, Glenn Sturgis,
deliberately destroyed...

- 50 United States ballots.
- Stop making me say that!

- And then I covered it up,
which is dumb, because I'm dumb.