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1
00:00:00,342 --> 00:00:02,953
Speech! Speech!
2
00:00:03,710 --> 00:00:04,537
Okay, okay, okay.
Settle down.
3
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:05,709
Um...
4
00:00:05,813 --> 00:00:07,405
It's hard to believe
I'm 50.
5
00:00:07,493 --> 00:00:09,819
A-A-As of today,
I'm middle-aged.
6
00:00:09,907 --> 00:00:11,233
What's he been
the last10 years?
7
00:00:11,321 --> 00:00:13,498
Delusional. He thinks
he's a millennial, like us.
8
00:00:13,617 --> 00:00:15,445
I've thought a lot
about what's next.
9
00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:17,412
51.Thank you, buddy.
10
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,865
And it's important
that I continue to grow
11
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:23,000
and that I stay
mentally challenged.
12
00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:25,772
Which is why
I am starting...
13
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,155
piano lessons,
14
00:00:27,243 --> 00:00:28,623
so that
by next year's birthday,
15
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:30,780
I'll be good enough
to perform in public.
16
00:00:30,875 --> 00:00:32,694
Oh, great.
Another thing to go to.
17
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:35,389
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.
18
00:00:35,477 --> 00:00:37,373
Excelente!
19
00:00:38,153 --> 00:00:39,600
Uh, I...
I haven't started yet.
20
00:00:39,688 --> 00:00:41,483
Um, and finally, um...
21
00:00:41,571 --> 00:00:44,530
And I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,
22
00:00:44,618 --> 00:00:46,220
but...
23
00:00:46,110 --> 00:00:49,303
I'm gonna learn
how to ride a unicycle!
24
00:00:49,593 --> 00:00:52,576
Phil, you forgotto
open one of your gifts.
25
00:00:52,664 --> 00:00:53,435
Ooh!
26
00:00:53,523 --> 00:00:56,725
This one,
Jay picked it upfor you himself.
27
00:00:56,813 --> 00:00:57,727
He did?
28
00:00:57,815 --> 00:00:58,662
Hey, Dad.
29
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,310
So, what's going on
with that hat?
30
00:01:00,118 --> 00:01:02,600
Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take
31
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:03,498
when we go
to these things,
32
00:01:03,586 --> 00:01:05,780
so I'm searching
for the right hat
33
00:01:05,868 --> 00:01:07,341
that makes me look
like I'm having fun.
34
00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:09,194
Or you could
just smile more.
35
00:01:09,282 --> 00:01:10,297
Eh.
36
00:01:10,385 --> 00:01:11,603
Wow!
37
00:01:11,691 --> 00:01:14,684
"The Sommelier's Guide
to the Wines of France."
38
00:01:14,772 --> 00:01:17,280
- Ooh!
- I love it so much. - Nice!
39
00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:20,194
Oh, my goodness.
It's inscribed.
40
00:01:20,524 --> 00:01:22,139
"May you continue to age
41
00:01:22,227 --> 00:01:24,498
as gracefully
as a fine Bordeaux."
42
00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:27,389
- Dad...
- "Happy Birthday, Jay.
43
00:01:27,477 --> 00:01:28,975
- Love, Cam."
- Cam. Yeah.
44
00:01:29,102 --> 00:01:30,951
Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
45
00:01:31,390 --> 00:01:31,953
Dad!
46
00:01:32,410 --> 00:01:33,116
I didn't know
he wrote in it.
47
00:01:33,203 --> 00:01:34,117
Because
you didn't open it.
48
00:01:34,205 --> 00:01:35,641
So now
I feel like a jerk.
49
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,670
How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.
50
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:44,924
A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.
51
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:49,201
-- Captions by VITAC--
52
00:01:49,468 --> 00:01:51,479
Sync corrections by srjanapala
53
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,227
*MODERN FAMILY*
54
00:01:53,315 --> 00:01:54,852
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 22
55
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,762
Episode Title:
"A Year of Birthdays"
56
00:01:57,361 --> 00:01:59,684
I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift...
57
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:04,105
A box set of DVDs
of all the Dean Martin Roasts.
58
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:07,186
I was so moved
by the romantic gesture
59
00:02:07,274 --> 00:02:08,543
that for Jay's birthday,
60
00:02:08,631 --> 00:02:12,348
I invited a bunch of people over
to insult him.
61
00:02:13,730 --> 00:02:15,465
So, my ex-wife and I,
62
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:17,840
we were on vacation
with Jay and Gloria.
63
00:02:17,928 --> 00:02:20,250
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,
64
00:02:20,113 --> 00:02:22,340
"Whoa,
look at all that skin."
65
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,199
And I said, "Baby, come on.
66
00:02:24,295 --> 00:02:25,125
What's wrong with that?
67
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,559
She's a beautiful woman
in a bikini."
68
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,684
She said, "Oh, I'm talkin'
about Jay's scalp."
69
00:02:35,237 --> 00:02:37,879
Jay is so not Latin
70
00:02:37,967 --> 00:02:40,448
that every time
that he dances,
71
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,863
people point him
to the bathroom.
72
00:02:43,150 --> 00:02:46,324
He has no rhythm.
That's what I mean.
73
00:02:46,412 --> 00:02:49,668
But seriously,
I love the whites.
74
00:02:49,756 --> 00:02:52,434
No, but seriously, Jay is
quite the environmentalist.
75
00:02:52,522 --> 00:02:54,934
Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine...
76
00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:57,543
A wonderful book about wine.
77
00:03:00,148 --> 00:03:02,215
I-I don't want to say
my father is old,
78
00:03:02,303 --> 00:03:05,582
but he remembers panicking
at Y-1-K.
79
00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:09,715
My dad is old.
80
00:03:09,803 --> 00:03:11,718
- How old is he?
- How old is he?
81
00:03:11,806 --> 00:03:14,119
He's so old
that when he started using it,
82
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:16,184
it was called Preparation G.
83
00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:19,113
Enough!
84
00:03:19,248 --> 00:03:20,763
This is terrible!
85
00:03:20,861 --> 00:03:24,153
I don't know why any of you
people think this is funny!
86
00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:28,146
You may think these are
jokes, but it's way too real.
87
00:03:28,288 --> 00:03:31,813
We need to respect Grandpa instead
of cutting him down.
88
00:03:31,931 --> 00:03:35,224
None of us really knows
how much time he has left.
89
00:03:35,356 --> 00:03:37,755
Do you really want these
to be the last words he hears?
90
00:03:37,974 --> 00:03:39,607
Well,
now I feel like hell.
91
00:03:39,964 --> 00:03:42,489
And that'show you roast!
Bam!
92
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:48,286
I don't understand
why adults make such a big deal
93
00:03:48,374 --> 00:03:49,310
about their birthdays.
94
00:03:49,398 --> 00:03:51,302
So this year,
I asked for nothing.
95
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:53,552
No party, no fuss.
96
00:03:53,662 --> 00:03:55,664
Just a quiet night by myself,
97
00:03:55,849 --> 00:03:58,329
with my thoughts,
all alone.
98
00:04:00,763 --> 00:04:01,791
Okay.
99
00:04:01,879 --> 00:04:04,310
Just as I had hoped,
Mitchell is miserable.
100
00:04:04,437 --> 00:04:05,584
He said he didn't want a party,
101
00:04:05,671 --> 00:04:07,733
but it's like when you write
"No gifts" on an invitation
102
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:09,592
but you secretly want
everyoneto bring something
103
00:04:09,679 --> 00:04:10,872
big and expensive,
Jotham.
104
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,732
I made a heartfelt toast
at your party.
105
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,248
Yes, and those 12
wordswere just as generous
106
00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:17,425
as the actual physical
gifts everyone else brought.
107
00:04:17,513 --> 00:04:19,297
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
108
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:22,131
When you hear me say
"Mitchell, you're not alone,"
109
00:04:22,219 --> 00:04:24,458
that's when you come
inand you yell "Surprise."
110
00:04:24,546 --> 00:04:25,982
We know what to say.
111
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,941
Mm. Do you?
112
00:04:29,108 --> 00:04:30,501
Hey!
113
00:04:30,589 --> 00:04:32,325
- How you doing? Okay?
- Yeah.
114
00:04:32,413 --> 00:04:35,146
Now do you see what it's like to
spend your birthday alone?
115
00:04:35,264 --> 00:04:36,917
I do.
And it's...
116
00:04:37,270 --> 00:04:38,290
Yeah.
...amazing.
117
00:04:38,117 --> 00:04:40,248
- What?
- Cam, thank you. Thank you.
118
00:04:40,336 --> 00:04:43,600
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted
119
00:04:43,148 --> 00:04:45,600
instead of what you thought
I should want.
120
00:04:45,148 --> 00:04:47,349
Honey, this is
the best birthday present ever.
121
00:04:47,478 --> 00:04:48,927
- It is?
- Yes!
122
00:04:49,150 --> 00:04:50,839
Oh, and you've...
You've got to be relieved, too.
123
00:04:50,926 --> 00:04:52,798
I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,
124
00:04:52,885 --> 00:04:54,323
they leave and you spend
the rest of the night
125
00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:56,886
complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.
126
00:04:56,974 --> 00:04:58,381
I don't know
what you're talking about!
127
00:04:58,468 --> 00:05:01,474
Oh, please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.
128
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:02,824
That doesn't
sound like me!
129
00:05:02,915 --> 00:05:04,917
Antonio's weave
is falling apart.
130
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:06,441
Vincent's
a sloppy drunk.
131
00:05:06,529 --> 00:05:08,130
Oh, oh, Jeffrey
won't stop telling
132
00:05:08,101 --> 00:05:10,138
his one
Bernadette Peters story.
133
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,184
You're
the sloppy drunk!
134
00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:14,333
Surprise!
135
00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:18,568
Here's a thing I realized...
136
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,599
You can't get older
if you never have birthdays.
137
00:05:27,165 --> 00:05:29,384
- ♪ Happy birth... ♪
- ♪ Happy birth... ♪
138
00:05:32,235 --> 00:05:33,403
What'd I tell you?
139
00:05:33,491 --> 00:05:34,774
I thought
this would be the year.
140
00:05:34,882 --> 00:05:36,673
I told my family
I just wanted my birthday
141
00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:38,772
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,
142
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,795
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,
143
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:42,405
and I knew
they'd get all suspicious
144
00:05:42,493 --> 00:05:43,383
about why I wasn't drinking.
145
00:05:43,471 --> 00:05:44,553
What was I going to say?
146
00:05:44,676 --> 00:05:46,678
"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?
147
00:05:46,898 --> 00:05:48,999
There's no way
they'd believe that.
148
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:51,328
Here.
I got you a present.
149
00:05:51,439 --> 00:05:53,211
Ooh! Thank you!
150
00:05:54,361 --> 00:05:55,493
Get out!
151
00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:57,313
Gucci baby sneakers!
152
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:00,183
They're adorable.
153
00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:02,414
Our baby's gonna be so hot.
154
00:06:02,517 --> 00:06:03,680
Personally,
I think it's weird
155
00:06:03,768 --> 00:06:05,431
that there are shoes
for someone who can't walk.
156
00:06:05,518 --> 00:06:06,742
But you know what,
Haley?
157
00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:09,203
I love
that we're pregnannnt...
158
00:06:10,298 --> 00:06:11,781
- Hello!
- Hi!
159
00:06:12,259 --> 00:06:13,719
What are you guys
doing here?
160
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:14,914
At the restaurant?
We got a...
161
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,406
- We got a Groupon, but we...
- Us too.
162
00:06:16,493 --> 00:06:18,322
Yeah, we j... we just saw
that you were over here.
163
00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,853
- Wanted to say happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
164
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:21,109
Didn't mean
to overhear.
165
00:06:21,197 --> 00:06:22,235
You didn't
overhear anything.
166
00:06:22,322 --> 00:06:23,932
We were talking
about a TV show.
167
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,274
Oh, well, then,
what's... what's up
168
00:06:25,361 --> 00:06:26,211
with these little
baby shoes, then?
169
00:06:26,299 --> 00:06:27,867
These are...
These are not baby shoes.
170
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:28,999
- Oh.
- No, they're, um...
171
00:06:29,870 --> 00:06:30,688
We are
starting a business
172
00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:34,700
for people who cannot
afford full-size designer wear.
173
00:06:34,158 --> 00:06:37,428
Oh. Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I... Mm.
174
00:06:37,516 --> 00:06:38,836
Okay.
175
00:06:39,729 --> 00:06:41,102
I'm pregnant. Oh, my God.
176
00:06:41,190 --> 00:06:42,219
That's exciting!
177
00:06:42,307 --> 00:06:43,914
Is it?
We think so.
178
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,883
But we have not told
my parents yet,
179
00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:47,320
so please
don't say anything.
180
00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:49,715
Oh, honey, Icould
keep your secret forever,
181
00:06:49,803 --> 00:06:51,750
but just so you know,
he can't.
182
00:06:51,838 --> 00:06:52,766
Yeah, I'm weak.
183
00:06:52,854 --> 00:06:54,508
Yeah, you got
maybe three, four days tops.
184
00:06:54,595 --> 00:06:55,859
- What?
- Yeah.
185
00:06:55,947 --> 00:06:57,918
Oh. Okay. Well,
these were from us, but...
186
00:06:58,600 --> 00:06:59,423
Yeah, she can't have it.
She's pregnant.
187
00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:00,688
Okay, there you go.
See?
188
00:07:01,398 --> 00:07:02,430
Now,
you listen to me.
189
00:07:02,619 --> 00:07:03,930
My roller-coastering hormones
190
00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:05,847
cannot handle another
lecture from my mother right now,
191
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:07,181
so you are going
to tell me a secret
192
00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:11,102
that I will reveal to
everyone if you ever spill mine!
193
00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:12,384
Yeah, but I don't
have any secrets.
194
00:07:12,471 --> 00:07:14,563
- Mm?
- Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,
195
00:07:14,724 --> 00:07:16,987
he puts the makeup
everywhere.
196
00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:19,336
- Mm. You're the best.
- Mm-hmm.
197
00:07:19,543 --> 00:07:21,336
Because of the whole 21 thing,
198
00:07:21,424 --> 00:07:23,789
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.
199
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,305
But it's all
I've been thinking about
200
00:07:26,393 --> 00:07:28,221
for the last three years.
201
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,414
Hey.
202
00:07:31,641 --> 00:07:33,414
Three years ago,
I came in here,
203
00:07:33,502 --> 00:07:36,700
and when I saw you,
I fell in love.
204
00:07:36,309 --> 00:07:38,188
The kind of love
that punches you in the gut
205
00:07:38,276 --> 00:07:40,125
and makes you
wanna be a better man.
206
00:07:40,213 --> 00:07:42,539
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.
207
00:07:42,627 --> 00:07:45,940
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."
208
00:07:45,283 --> 00:07:47,391
Well...
check it out.
209
00:07:47,507 --> 00:07:48,981
Oh! Happy birthday!
210
00:07:49,475 --> 00:07:50,955
But now
I don't date men.
211
00:07:51,121 --> 00:07:52,121
Oh.
212
00:07:53,648 --> 00:07:56,820
Well... looks like
I've got a decision to make.
213
00:07:58,597 --> 00:07:59,914
On my birthday this year,
214
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,648
I really got a sense
of what people think of me.
215
00:08:02,736 --> 00:08:03,999
Which is...
216
00:08:04,161 --> 00:08:05,205
so great.
217
00:08:05,293 --> 00:08:06,828
This is
from me and the boys.
218
00:08:06,916 --> 00:08:08,703
Gloria got you
her own gift.
219
00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:11,563
Wow, this is wrapped
so nicely!
220
00:08:11,651 --> 00:08:12,652
I did that.
221
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:14,469
It's a lost art
in this modern age
222
00:08:14,557 --> 00:08:16,908
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.
223
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,734
Papi,
just be normal.
224
00:08:18,822 --> 00:08:20,867
Let's see.
It is, uh...
225
00:08:20,955 --> 00:08:22,391
some kind
of silk pillow?
226
00:08:22,479 --> 00:08:23,393
Well, it's more than that.
227
00:08:23,481 --> 00:08:25,664
See, there's a switch
on the side,
228
00:08:25,752 --> 00:08:28,781
and when you lay on it, it... it
plays ocean sounds for you.
229
00:08:28,869 --> 00:08:30,131
You know, I-it helps you relax.
230
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,547
- Huh.
- At least it's not a re-gift.
231
00:08:32,688 --> 00:08:34,117
How do you live with this? I...
232
00:08:34,758 --> 00:08:35,906
Tell you what.
233
00:08:35,994 --> 00:08:37,695
How about we do one more gift,
and then
234
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:39,485
we take a break for cake
and do the rest after? Yeah.
235
00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:40,136
Hmm?
236
00:08:40,224 --> 00:08:42,594
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.
237
00:08:42,682 --> 00:08:44,258
Mm,
thank you, Dylan.
238
00:08:44,346 --> 00:08:45,234
Although I have to say,
239
00:08:45,322 --> 00:08:48,390
you have given me enough
giftsthis year already.
240
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,797
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.
241
00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:53,367
Yeah.
242
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,547
What is this?
243
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,710
It's an aroma therapy
machine.
244
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,821
See, you put in oils
that are supposed to help you
245
00:08:57,908 --> 00:08:58,977
with the stress
of the day.
246
00:08:59,650 --> 00:09:00,860
Oh!
247
00:09:00,174 --> 00:09:02,890
Alright, well...
let's see.
248
00:09:02,177 --> 00:09:04,657
So far,
I have gotten a spa day,
249
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:05,961
three massages,
250
00:09:06,490 --> 00:09:08,844
a meditation class,
an ocean pillow,
251
00:09:08,932 --> 00:09:11,369
a rage bat,
and a little machine
252
00:09:11,457 --> 00:09:13,460
that's supposed to trick my
nose into calming me down.
253
00:09:13,547 --> 00:09:14,921
Why does everyone think
I'm so tense?
254
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:16,609
You bit through
your night guard.
255
00:09:16,697 --> 00:09:18,750
You're squeezing me
too hard.
256
00:09:18,838 --> 00:09:20,727
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.
257
00:09:20,815 --> 00:09:23,195
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.
258
00:09:23,283 --> 00:09:24,625
The entire family
was sick.
259
00:09:24,713 --> 00:09:26,305
I was not
cooking meth.
260
00:09:26,395 --> 00:09:28,387
You know what?
I don't even want cake.
261
00:09:28,475 --> 00:09:30,427
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,
262
00:09:30,514 --> 00:09:32,184
especially
on my birthday.
263
00:09:35,191 --> 00:09:37,903
Um, that's my gift.
Open later.
264
00:09:39,153 --> 00:09:40,887
Manny and I share a birthday,
265
00:09:40,975 --> 00:09:43,324
so I always do something big
to get attention.
266
00:09:43,412 --> 00:09:45,247
Look! No hands!
267
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,755
- Way to go, kid!
- Bravo, papi!
268
00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:49,431
Hey, guys!
Check it out.
269
00:09:49,519 --> 00:09:51,673
Unicycling
to my piano lesson.
270
00:09:51,768 --> 00:09:53,970
Wow!
We're so proud of you!
271
00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:55,290
Now,
that's impressive.
272
00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:57,298
Happy birthday, Joe!
273
00:09:57,386 --> 00:09:59,114
It was!
274
00:09:59,703 --> 00:10:01,270
It goes without saying
275
00:10:01,388 --> 00:10:03,200
I'm the best performer
in the family.
276
00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:05,793
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show
277
00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:07,578
so they all start saying it.
278
00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:08,967
Wait.
279
00:10:09,550 --> 00:10:10,839
It's a talent show?
I-I didn't know that.
280
00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,545
It said soon the invitation.
281
00:10:12,633 --> 00:10:14,232
- Mitchell?
- I only skimmed it.
282
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,364
This is a disaster.
283
00:10:15,452 --> 00:10:16,931
We didn't
prepare anything!
284
00:10:17,190 --> 00:10:20,414
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
285
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:24,220
♪ In the morning ♪
286
00:10:24,308 --> 00:10:26,211
♪ No one could be sweeter
than my sweetie... ♪
287
00:10:26,299 --> 00:10:28,519
I can't believe they
hadmatching vests in their car.
288
00:10:28,566 --> 00:10:30,620
Uncle Grumpy,
why are you so angry?
289
00:10:30,747 --> 00:10:34,659
Because the President
wants to build a wall!
290
00:10:34,792 --> 00:10:36,835
Ay, yeah,
that is very sad.
291
00:10:36,922 --> 00:10:37,956
Sad for me,
292
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,698
because I have
no money and I am ugly.
293
00:10:41,786 --> 00:10:45,660
For you, he would let you
inbecause you have money
294
00:10:45,748 --> 00:10:47,925
and you have the boobs.
295
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:51,115
I never thought Uncle
Grumpy would go political.
296
00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,581
- Hm.
- Yeah.
297
00:10:57,705 --> 00:11:00,260
I knew I wasn't ready!
298
00:11:00,507 --> 00:11:02,246
- ♪ Naah-aah ♪
- ♪ Butterflies ll flutter up ♪
299
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:04,129
- ♪ Aah-aah ♪
- ♪ And kiss each little buttercup... ♪
300
00:11:04,216 --> 00:11:05,597
Stella, walk in a circle.
301
00:11:05,685 --> 00:11:06,817
Stella, sit.
302
00:11:06,905 --> 00:11:08,810
Bang!
303
00:11:08,248 --> 00:11:09,948
Ohh.Ah. Close, Dad.
304
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,956
No, I taught her
to go for the gun.
305
00:11:14,231 --> 00:11:17,136
The banjo scares me ever
sincel saw that creepy film.
306
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:18,792
Wait. What was it
called, again?
307
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,110
"Deliverance"?
308
00:11:20,990 --> 00:11:22,456
No... "The Muppet Movie."
309
00:11:22,824 --> 00:11:25,200
He was a three-toed
tree toad, but a two-toed toad was she.
310
00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:26,787
The three-toed tree toad tried to
win the two-toed she toad's heart,
311
00:11:26,874 --> 00:11:28,559
for the three-toed tree toad
loved the ground
312
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:29,735
that the two-toed
tree toad trod.
313
00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:32,183
"...tree toad trod." And
sent.
314
00:11:32,393 --> 00:11:34,276
Ohh! Whoa! Ay!
315
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:37,320
- Stop it!
- Fastest thumbs in the West!
316
00:11:38,188 --> 00:11:41,901
♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp
for only a day ♪
317
00:11:41,989 --> 00:11:45,729
♪ I would make a wish,
and here's what I'd say ♪
318
00:11:45,817 --> 00:11:49,659
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
319
00:11:49,747 --> 00:11:52,987
♪ In the mooorniiing
320
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:54,894
As you all know,
Sherry and I met
321
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,507
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.
322
00:11:57,595 --> 00:12:00,620
So, we're at
a romantic restaurant.
323
00:12:00,725 --> 00:12:02,740
Okay.
324
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,800
That dinner
was delicious.
325
00:12:05,895 --> 00:12:07,909
I can't believe
you chose this place.
326
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,167
The chef
is my ex-boyfriend.
327
00:12:10,255 --> 00:12:11,448
The crazy one?
328
00:12:11,536 --> 00:12:13,245
Yes.
He's very jealous,
329
00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:15,342
and I'm scared he did
something to your food.
330
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:16,612
Oh. Eh...
331
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,206
I am feeling a little funny.
332
00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:19,905
I wish this
were a little funny.
333
00:12:19,993 --> 00:12:21,808
Ooh. Ha.
Okay. Oh, boy.
334
00:12:21,896 --> 00:12:22,901
Whew!
335
00:12:22,989 --> 00:12:24,381
I-Is this room spinning?
I...
336
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:25,315
No.
337
00:12:25,403 --> 00:12:26,597
I was afraid of that.
338
00:12:26,685 --> 00:12:28,933
Well, then I better do this
before it's too late.
339
00:12:29,859 --> 00:12:31,338
And this part is real.
340
00:12:31,994 --> 00:12:33,417
Sherry Shaker,
341
00:12:33,505 --> 00:12:35,542
I used to be
a one-man show,
342
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,675
and then you entered
from stage left,
343
00:12:37,763 --> 00:12:39,547
and I fell in love.
344
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,338
I want you
345
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,183
to be my scene partner
forever.
346
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:47,472
Darling, let's force our
friends to sit through
347
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,394
the rest of our lives
together.
348
00:12:51,657 --> 00:12:53,224
Will you marry me?
349
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:55,386
Oh, my God.
350
00:12:55,635 --> 00:12:57,332
Manny!
351
00:12:57,635 --> 00:12:59,292
No!
352
00:12:59,623 --> 00:13:01,756
Why would you do this?!
353
00:13:06,337 --> 00:13:09,810
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.
354
00:13:11,561 --> 00:13:13,948
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.
355
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,183
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily ♪
356
00:13:18,337 --> 00:13:22,254
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
357
00:13:22,342 --> 00:13:24,276
I still can't
believe Sherry said no
358
00:13:24,364 --> 00:13:25,433
and broke up with me.
359
00:13:25,521 --> 00:13:27,580
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.
360
00:13:27,146 --> 00:13:29,565
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.
361
00:13:29,653 --> 00:13:31,472
Whatever happened
to "Yes and"?
362
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,831
Jay,
I've tried everything.
363
00:13:32,919 --> 00:13:35,417
Please say something to him that
will make him feel better.
364
00:13:35,505 --> 00:13:36,675
Fine.
365
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,795
Kid, let it go.
366
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:40,245
It was four days ago.
367
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:42,151
Alright,
let's make a wish!
368
00:13:42,415 --> 00:13:43,972
I wish I were dead.
369
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:45,675
Alright.
370
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:47,676
There we go.
371
00:13:49,550 --> 00:13:51,495
Haley and I
have had this plan for years
372
00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:54,890
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.
373
00:13:54,223 --> 00:13:57,503
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.
374
00:13:58,403 --> 00:13:59,768
Technically, four.
375
00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:04,854
Lemme tell you something,
Haley Dunphy.
376
00:14:04,942 --> 00:14:07,323
Do you know
how much I admire you?
377
00:14:07,488 --> 00:14:08,495
Do you?
378
00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,151
So much!
379
00:14:10,262 --> 00:14:12,737
While I was
working my butt off,
380
00:14:12,825 --> 00:14:14,392
you were out there
having fun!
381
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,960
Not worrying
about anything...
382
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,315
Not school, not work...
383
00:14:18,403 --> 00:14:19,808
not condoms.
384
00:14:19,956 --> 00:14:22,429
Look at you...
All preg-a-nant.
385
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,109
Maybe I should have
Billcome get me pregnant.
386
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:25,929
Ooh.
387
00:14:26,170 --> 00:14:28,803
Then we can be pregnant together!
That would be fun!
388
00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:30,840
Where's my phone?
389
00:14:30,172 --> 00:14:32,779
I'm gonna text him to
come get me pregnant.
390
00:14:32,867 --> 00:14:34,216
You know what?
391
00:14:34,304 --> 00:14:35,943
It's 2000-something.
392
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:37,368
I'm gonna
get him pregnant!
393
00:14:38,283 --> 00:14:40,220
I miss drinking.
394
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,490
Unlike somepeople,
I love my birthday.
395
00:14:42,578 --> 00:14:45,389
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.
396
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:48,987
Oh, yeah.
Um, um...
397
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:50,787
So, um, I thought
it would be fun
398
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,181
if we all
went around the room
399
00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:53,904
and say
what we love about Cam.
400
00:14:53,992 --> 00:14:54,975
- Oh!
- Yeah.
401
00:14:55,630 --> 00:14:57,318
Well, that's out of nowhere,
but if you insist.
402
00:14:57,406 --> 00:14:58,413
Haley,
why don't you go first?
403
00:14:58,500 --> 00:14:59,647
Oh, me? Okay.
404
00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:02,108
Well, um...
I love Uncle Cam
405
00:15:02,196 --> 00:15:03,686
because he is fun
406
00:15:03,774 --> 00:15:05,514
- and dresses with flair.
- Oh, my gosh.
407
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:07,803
And, uh, I love
408
00:15:07,897 --> 00:15:09,389
that he makes
my Uncle Mitchell happy.
409
00:15:09,477 --> 00:15:10,782
- Awww!
- Ohh!
410
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:12,512
Oh, also, I love that you
guys were the first ones
411
00:15:12,599 --> 00:15:15,256
to find out I was pregnant and
you never judged me.
412
00:15:15,453 --> 00:15:17,170
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
413
00:15:17,258 --> 00:15:18,819
I thought we all found out
at the same time.
414
00:15:18,906 --> 00:15:20,380
Oh, uh... Well...
415
00:15:20,126 --> 00:15:22,374
Mitchell, you knew she was pregnant
and you didn't tell me?
416
00:15:22,461 --> 00:15:23,873
I didn't think
it was my place.
417
00:15:23,961 --> 00:15:25,608
Anyway,
who's next?
418
00:15:25,696 --> 00:15:27,890
"What I love
about Cam is..."
419
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,397
I just wish you would
have my back just once.
420
00:15:29,485 --> 00:15:31,467
I don't think
she's been using my gift.
421
00:15:31,568 --> 00:15:33,678
♪ Happy birthday to Cam, happy... ♪
Stop. Drop it.
422
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,748
Welcome to my world.
423
00:15:34,836 --> 00:15:37,365
At my birthday, all anyone
cared about was weepy Manny
424
00:15:37,453 --> 00:15:39,325
'cause Sherry
broke up with him.
425
00:15:39,822 --> 00:15:41,519
She has a boyfriend now.
426
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,178
Way to go, Lily.
427
00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:44,745
Way to go!
428
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:57,536
How old are you?
429
00:15:58,610 --> 00:16:00,420
I turn 51 in, uh...
430
00:16:01,395 --> 00:16:02,744
this many days.
431
00:16:02,832 --> 00:16:03,866
Ugh.
432
00:16:03,978 --> 00:16:06,154
My dad had
a midlife crisis, too.
433
00:16:06,327 --> 00:16:07,866
I have a hamster
at his condo.
434
00:16:07,989 --> 00:16:09,748
No.
N-No midlife crisis.
435
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,701
I just think you're...
You're never too old to learn.
436
00:16:13,713 --> 00:16:15,410
Just stay away
from my mom.
437
00:16:15,498 --> 00:16:17,686
She has a thing
for losers.
438
00:16:20,476 --> 00:16:21,433
Are you okay?
439
00:16:21,521 --> 00:16:22,788
Should we take you
to the hospital?
440
00:16:22,875 --> 00:16:24,877
Yeah, the contractions
are getting closer together.
441
00:16:24,964 --> 00:16:26,234
No. Dad is next.
442
00:16:26,322 --> 00:16:28,297
I can hold it
for a few minutes, okay?
443
00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:30,734
I don't want to screw this up
for him.
444
00:16:35,888 --> 00:16:38,101
Yikes. Hate to follow that.
445
00:16:38,295 --> 00:16:40,790
What are you
gonna dazzle us with?
446
00:16:40,455 --> 00:16:41,539
"Fur Elise."
447
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:44,000
In which key...
"B" obvious?
448
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:47,961
Next up, the only
student of mine who shaves.
449
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:50,830
Phillip Dunphy.
450
00:16:56,264 --> 00:16:57,264
Um...
451
00:16:58,997 --> 00:17:01,656
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things
452
00:17:01,744 --> 00:17:03,836
to take me
out of my comfort zone
453
00:17:03,924 --> 00:17:06,414
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family
454
00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:08,230
for being
my biggest cheerleaders.
455
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,250
Oooooaaaaaah!
456
00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:10,219
I love you, too, honey.
457
00:17:10,307 --> 00:17:12,399
No, Haley's going into labor! We've
got to get her to the hospital, honey!
458
00:17:12,486 --> 00:17:13,844
Phil: Oh! I tried to hold it!
I'm sorry, Dad!
459
00:17:13,893 --> 00:17:15,808
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, everyone!
460
00:17:15,896 --> 00:17:17,344
Convenient.
461
00:17:31,964 --> 00:17:33,158
Yes!
Great! Come on!
462
00:17:33,432 --> 00:17:34,720
Great work, honey.
463
00:17:34,808 --> 00:17:36,736
Tell your mom
I say hi.
464
00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:41,790
Dylan!
465
00:17:41,878 --> 00:17:43,316
Is everything
okay?
466
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:45,820
No.
467
00:17:46,669 --> 00:17:48,620
Everything's amazing.
468
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:49,980
Why would you
say it that way?
469
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:51,238
Haley's fine.
470
00:17:51,326 --> 00:17:52,761
She was so brave.
471
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,601
And the babies are great!
472
00:17:54,689 --> 00:17:56,970
I can't wait
to see them!
473
00:17:56,185 --> 00:17:57,880
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.
474
00:17:57,967 --> 00:17:59,740
I'm gonna
go get them now.
475
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,162
Wait, wait.
476
00:18:00,317 --> 00:18:01,378
What about the sex?
477
00:18:01,466 --> 00:18:03,250
Doctor says
not for six weeks.
478
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:08,136
Jay: Is this
the Dunphy suite?
479
00:18:08,811 --> 00:18:10,933
Oh, how's the mommy?
480
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,121
Hand sanitizer, everyone.
Here you go.
481
00:18:13,209 --> 00:18:14,210
How you doing, kiddo?
482
00:18:14,298 --> 00:18:16,285
A little tired.
I overdid it last night.
483
00:18:16,373 --> 00:18:18,636
I don't think
he was talking to you, buddy.
484
00:18:18,732 --> 00:18:20,810
It's overwhelming.
485
00:18:20,169 --> 00:18:21,520
Just feeling
so many different emotions.
486
00:18:21,607 --> 00:18:23,222
I'm also doing great.
487
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:25,464
I have
a son and a daughter,
488
00:18:25,552 --> 00:18:28,970
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.
489
00:18:28,185 --> 00:18:28,824
Aww!
490
00:18:28,912 --> 00:18:30,106
Oh, what are
their names?
491
00:18:30,194 --> 00:18:32,872
We're gonna put a pin in
that until the drugs wear off.
492
00:18:32,969 --> 00:18:36,325
Nobody needs grand children named
Pixar and Coachella.
493
00:18:36,413 --> 00:18:37,371
Ooh.
494
00:18:37,459 --> 00:18:39,520
Phil,
this is for you.
495
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:41,987
It's a... little early birthday present.
496
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:45,231
And I admit,
this one is a re-gift.
497
00:18:47,715 --> 00:18:49,310
"World's
Best Grandfather."
498
00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:51,606
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.
499
00:18:51,694 --> 00:18:52,652
You kept it
all these years.
500
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:55,286
Yeah. But, uh...
it's yours now.
501
00:18:55,374 --> 00:18:57,114
I don't need it anymore.
I got a new title.
502
00:18:58,379 --> 00:18:59,728
"Great grandma"?
503
00:19:00,775 --> 00:19:02,935
Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one.
Here.
504
00:19:03,336 --> 00:19:04,638
I'm going to
count to three.
505
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:05,640
Yeah.
506
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,239
Hey, how was
your recital, Phil?
507
00:19:07,327 --> 00:19:09,750
Oh, I messed it all up
for him.
508
00:19:09,163 --> 00:19:10,591
Sorry about that, Dad.
509
00:19:10,679 --> 00:19:12,731
I-I know that was your
big goal for the year.
510
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,513
I have
a better one now.
511
00:19:14,827 --> 00:19:16,747
Mi ano fue hermoso.
512
00:19:16,896 --> 00:19:18,215
My year was beautiful.
513
00:19:18,303 --> 00:19:19,161
Claire: Mm.
514
00:19:19,249 --> 00:19:21,770
"Año" means "year."
515
00:19:21,165 --> 00:19:23,520
"Ano" means "anus."
516
00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:25,460
Still works.
517
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,153
Hey, everybody.
518
00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:30,177
Ay, where are the babies?
I want to see them.
519
00:19:30,277 --> 00:19:32,950
There's no easy way
to say this.
520
00:19:34,247 --> 00:19:36,815
Mitch and Cam have a whole
thing they want to do.
521
00:19:36,903 --> 00:19:38,731
Oh, God.
It's worse than I thought.
522
00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:42,909
♪ Nants ingonyama ♪
523
00:19:42,997 --> 00:19:44,579
♪ Bagithi baba ♪
524
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:47,910
Oh, my God!
I love it so much!
525
00:19:50,529 --> 00:19:54,450
♪ It's the circle of life ♪
526
00:19:54,538 --> 00:19:56,833
I can't believe they
had matching robes in their car.
527
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:59,670
♪ And it moves us all ♪
528
00:19:59,178 --> 00:20:02,200
- ♪ Through ♪
- They're so beautiful!
529
00:20:02,599 --> 00:20:06,280
- ♪ Despair and hope ♪
- Good job.
530
00:20:06,116 --> 00:20:07,599
You're
both gonna get dog beds.
531
00:20:07,687 --> 00:20:11,419
- ♪ Through faith and hope ♪
- You're next, huh?
532
00:20:11,507 --> 00:20:13,645
- Shh!
- Okay. Okay. I'm just saying.
533
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:17,833
♪ It's the circle ♪
534
00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:19,185
Good job, kid.
535
00:20:19,273 --> 00:20:22,645
♪ The circle of ♪
536
00:20:22,732 --> 00:20:25,731
♪ Llife ♪
537
00:20:29,724 --> 00:20:31,567
Oh,
is he still crying?
538
00:20:31,662 --> 00:20:33,270
Yeah,
has been for hours.
539
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:34,208
Wow.
540
00:20:34,323 --> 00:20:36,458
I thought he'd cry himself
to sleep, poor little guy.
541
00:20:36,546 --> 00:20:37,763
Well, has he eaten anything?
542
00:20:37,851 --> 00:20:39,216
Uh, I fed him
an hour ago.
543
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:41,177
It's amazing
how one can be fine
544
00:20:41,265 --> 00:20:42,755
and the other one
is so upset.
545
00:20:42,897 --> 00:20:44,819
You go up to bed.
I'll check on him one last time.
546
00:20:44,906 --> 00:20:46,154
Thanks, Mom.
547
00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:49,786
There's
my big, brave boy.
548
00:20:49,935 --> 00:20:52,183
Sherry booked
a toothpaste commercial.
549
00:20:52,271 --> 00:20:53,264
- Uh-huh.
- I'm going to have
550
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:54,717
to see
that beautiful smile
551
00:20:54,805 --> 00:20:56,240
all the time!
552
00:20:56,112 --> 00:20:57,139
Mm.
553
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,337
There, there. Let it out.
36890
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