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1
00:00:01,747 --> 00:00:02,967
...72, 72, $72!
2
00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:04,735
$72, 72 bid, 72 bid,
3
00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:06,704
- 75, 75, 75!
- Oh, boy.
4
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,240
Is it already the first day of
livestock auction season again?
5
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:10,608
It's the same day
every year, Mitchell...
6
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,210
a fortnight after the
first ripe tomato comes in.
7
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:15,346
And seriously? This is what passes
for auction-calling these days?
8
00:00:15,381 --> 00:00:17,348
Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?
9
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:19,217
You know, when you've been
at the top of your field...
10
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:21,018
Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ
11
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,153
three years running...
12
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:24,122
it's hard to see anything
but the inadequacies.
13
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:26,224
It's why Baryshnikov
couldn't watch others dance.
14
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,259
What? He was the Artistic Director of...
15
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:29,961
How long have you lived in this house?!
16
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,230
It's gonna wind up being
some pig named Baryshnikov
17
00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:33,965
or some damn thing.
18
00:00:35,235 --> 00:00:36,634
So, how was your trumpet lesson?
19
00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:37,902
It was amazing. Yeah.
20
00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:41,072
Oh, these sessions just
have really changed my life.
21
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:43,040
Technically, uh, not a lie.
22
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,843
Uh, I started taking trumpet
lessons two years ago.
23
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,478
But then I noticed the place next door
24
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:50,615
was offering massages
for the same price, so...
25
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:51,782
you know.
26
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,286
And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was...
27
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,621
solo-parenting Lily.
28
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,290
But... But we were both spending time
29
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,659
with an Asian woman
who walked all over us.
30
00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:02,894
You always smell like lavender
31
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,262
when you come back from that place.
32
00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:05,830
Uh, yeah, it's the... it's the valve oil
33
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:06,998
for the, um... you know,
34
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,199
- the t... the tooting buttons.
- Oh.
35
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,234
We should probably,
uh, hit the road soon.
36
00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,084
High school graduation's in an hour.
37
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,271
It's so humiliating
38
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,239
being the Vice Principal
at these things.
39
00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:16,908
It's just a ceremonial position
40
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,910
where you have to sit
behind Principal Brown,
41
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,144
politely clapping
42
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,446
while he gets to set
the course of history.
43
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:23,848
Well, it could be fun with my dad giving
44
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,016
the commencement address, though.
45
00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:26,150
I got a peek at his note cards,
46
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:27,852
and I don't want to give anything away,
47
00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:29,487
but the young kid who boarded the bus
48
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:30,888
with the hair full of Brylcreem
49
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:32,790
and a cardboard suitcase
full of dreams...
50
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:33,958
it was him.
51
00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:36,961
Oh, I have to take this.
It's Superintendent Pierce.
52
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,665
Hello, good sir.
To what do I owe this honor?
53
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,701
Oh, no.
54
00:01:43,803 --> 00:01:45,436
That's horrible.
55
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:47,572
Principal Brown got into a car accident!
56
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:50,575
W-Which means,
as next in the line of succession,
57
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,710
I get to preside over
today's graduation.
58
00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:55,213
You know, this is why senior
administration officials
59
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:56,480
never travel together.
60
00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,484
Your glee at another man's
misfortune should trouble me,
61
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:03,154
but there's also something
sort of sexy about it.
62
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,389
- Well, power is an aphrodisiac.
- Oh.
63
00:02:05,491 --> 00:02:06,591
Maybe later you could be the principal
64
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,492
and I could be the student
who's a few credits short.
65
00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:09,994
- Hmm.
- A bad, bad boy
66
00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:11,896
who needs to be taught right from wrong.
67
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,631
'Cause I grew up in a broken home,
68
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:16,467
where social workers and
constant fights about money
69
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:17,601
were just...
70
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,303
Okay, well, now I'm just sad.
71
00:02:33,585 --> 00:02:35,186
Yah! Yah!
72
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:36,687
Can we switch seats?
73
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:37,788
I'm right under a vent.
74
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:39,423
This is not good for my instrument.
75
00:02:39,525 --> 00:02:43,527
Oh, so nice that you're taking
this speech so seriously.
76
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,730
When you did Mitch and
Cam's wedding toast,
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00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,598
you had your mouth full of cashews.
78
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:50,601
Yah! Yah! Yah!
79
00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,870
Hey, pay attention to your brother.
80
00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:54,171
You got him into karate.
81
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:55,339
Not on purpose.
82
00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:57,408
I just showed him a few
"Pink Panther" movies.
83
00:02:58,444 --> 00:02:59,777
Joe?
84
00:02:59,969 --> 00:03:00,978
Joe?
85
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,613
I-I-I don't want to play
86
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:05,016
this Inspector Clouseau
and Cato game anymore.
87
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,751
It's not that I'm scared.
88
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,386
It's just, I-I'm a little busy...
89
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:09,687
- Aah!
- Aah!
90
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:11,255
He's a little psycho.
91
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:13,691
Which we must never show him,
by the way.
92
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,127
And sorry if I'm distracted.
93
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:17,695
It's cut day at CalArts.
94
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:19,664
Half of the class
isn't being asked back.
95
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:21,465
Manny, my mother's intuition
96
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:24,168
tells me that you have
nothing to worry about.
97
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:25,302
It's just so cruel.
98
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:26,937
I'm halfway to a playwriting degree
99
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,339
and a minor in mask-making
100
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:29,740
and they're just gonna
throw me out on the street
101
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,142
with no way to support myself?
102
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:34,078
As a wise man will say
in about two hours...
103
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:37,815
"Be grateful for the rocks
life rolls in your path,
104
00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:40,951
for one day,
you'll see them as stepping stones."
105
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,920
I had that in my "maybe" pile.
106
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,188
Trust yourself, Jay.
107
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,126
Oh, God. It's an e-mail from school.
108
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:51,095
I don't think I can read
this in front of people.
109
00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:52,363
Yah!
110
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:53,531
Let's go, Joe!
111
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:54,665
Ay!
112
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,335
Ay!
113
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:06,377
I did it!
114
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:08,079
I did it! Yes!
115
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,623
Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?
116
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,293
I knew you could do it, Joe!
117
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,728
My mother's intuition told me
118
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,530
that you had nothing to worry about.
119
00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:30,468
And if she bribed Sensei Ron,
who else did she bribe?
120
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,737
Did I even deserve this?
121
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,840
Do you remember when
grocery shopping was boring?
122
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,141
I really don't.
123
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:40,177
As a parent, you don't get
124
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,680
a lot of good, clean,
guilt-free victories.
125
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,415
That's why it's hard not to feel
126
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,784
pretty damn good about ourselves today.
127
00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:47,985
Because this afternoon,
128
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:50,821
we are going to watch our
daughter Alex graduate...
129
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:51,922
With honors!
130
00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:54,258
...from the world-renowned Caltech.
131
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,061
♪ When the Caltech Beavers
face you at sports ♪
132
00:04:57,163 --> 00:05:00,331
♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪
133
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,600
Their best minds weren't
focused on the fight song.
134
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:03,734
Yeah.
135
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,403
I just can't stop smiling
136
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,139
at this picture of Alex
in her cap and gown.
137
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:10,040
It's so surreal that one of our kids
138
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,717
could do something so amazing.
139
00:05:12,752 --> 00:05:13,811
I love you both.
140
00:05:14,093 --> 00:05:16,414
So, you two,
grab champagne and flowers for Alex.
141
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:19,083
We'll, uh... We'll get
some cigars to give to Jay.
142
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:20,351
Yeah.
143
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:22,720
Oh, my God.
144
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:24,755
It's Skip Woosnam.
Have you seen him since he fired you?
145
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,324
Once, at a listing.
146
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,527
I tried to pretend I was
a 3D cutout of myself
147
00:05:29,595 --> 00:05:30,895
to avoid talking to him.
148
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:33,164
But you know what?
Today I want to talk to him.
149
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:34,465
I think I'll let ol' Skip know
150
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,801
I have a daughter
graduating from Caltech.
151
00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:38,502
No, honey,
we are not the kind of parents
152
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:41,005
who make ourselves look good
by bragging about our kids.
153
00:05:41,073 --> 00:05:42,573
Then why did we even have them, Claire?
154
00:05:43,069 --> 00:05:44,141
Are we really not gonna crow about it
155
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,177
when one of our kids finally does
something we can be proud of?
156
00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:47,545
I love you both very much.
157
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:49,513
I'm comfortable being the hot one.
158
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:54,919
Another record month?
159
00:05:55,594 --> 00:05:56,787
Well, thank you!
160
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,789
You're the greatest butler on Earth.
161
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,090
Ohp! I gotta run.
162
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,959
- Phil?
- Skip!
163
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,661
You son of a gun. How the hell are you?
164
00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:05,863
Great, great.
Business is better than ever.
165
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,941
How about you?
166
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,233
Did you, uh, finally get real cutouts?
167
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,602
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mine are so realistic and 3D,
168
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:12,937
you must have been laughing
at one of them like an idiot.
169
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:15,248
How crazy is it we ran into
each other shopping, huh?
170
00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:17,208
Say, how are your kids?
171
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,375
Terrific. Yeah.
172
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:21,045
June just, uh,
took a job at the Container Store.
173
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:22,980
Impressive. I have a kid that's
interested in space, as well.
174
00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:26,350
- Considering a job at, uh... at NASA, actually.
- Oh.
175
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:29,086
Yeah, he, uh,
looks like he's got the right stuff.
176
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,423
No, I... it's...
I was talking about my daughter.
177
00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,258
- Oh.
- Hey, Dad. Dad, guess what.
178
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,027
The twins started kicking
the second I picked up booze.
179
00:06:37,816 --> 00:06:39,296
They're my kids, right?
180
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:41,298
My other daughter.
181
00:06:42,953 --> 00:06:44,780
Okay, I'm doing a little thing about
182
00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,254
following your dreams in mine.
183
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:47,489
Do you have anything like that in yours?
184
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:49,032
I say "follow your passions."
185
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,425
Okay, yeah. That's different enough.
186
00:06:51,692 --> 00:06:53,995
Okay. Something fishy's
going on over here.
187
00:06:54,064 --> 00:06:56,164
I'm gonna go shake some trees,
see what falls.
188
00:06:57,801 --> 00:06:59,968
Looking lovely today,
Vice Principal Tucker.
189
00:07:00,036 --> 00:07:01,936
Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski.
190
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,438
Oh, you don't like the
way I'm talking to you?
191
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:04,772
Well, who are you gonna complain to?
192
00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:06,074
No one!
193
00:07:06,143 --> 00:07:07,509
Because I'm the acting principal,
194
00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:09,244
clothed in immense power!
195
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:12,647
Wait, what is... Nope!
196
00:07:13,552 --> 00:07:14,649
I bend faster.
197
00:07:14,718 --> 00:07:16,117
"Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?!
198
00:07:16,219 --> 00:07:17,252
What the hell is this?
199
00:07:18,255 --> 00:07:20,155
The year was 1972.
200
00:07:20,223 --> 00:07:22,038
I landed a whale...
201
00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:24,125
every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship.
202
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,793
To make the numbers work,
203
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,496
I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap.
204
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,398
I ended up cutting down a
forest that happened to be
205
00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:33,501
the last habitat of the
Golden Speckled Owl.
206
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,371
You know, nobody talks
about all the mice I saved.
207
00:07:36,473 --> 00:07:37,605
Nope!
208
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,240
Just the owls.
209
00:07:39,276 --> 00:07:40,909
Are you all planning
some sort of protest?
210
00:07:40,977 --> 00:07:43,111
Well, that ain't happening on my watch.
211
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:44,278
Now go take your seats!
212
00:07:44,870 --> 00:07:45,913
"Owl Hitler"?!
213
00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:49,751
What the hell is this picture?
I never strangled an owl!
214
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,287
Is it too much for Dylan
to let me know where he is?
215
00:07:52,355 --> 00:07:54,088
My water could literally
break any minute.
216
00:07:54,523 --> 00:07:55,590
Am I okay sitting here,
217
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:58,092
or am I in a SeaWorld
splash zone situation?
218
00:07:58,161 --> 00:08:00,862
Claire, your old high
school nemesis Ashley Walls,
219
00:08:00,931 --> 00:08:02,530
did she have a daughter?
220
00:08:02,599 --> 00:08:04,032
Uh, I don't think so. Why?
221
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,900
Well, that woman over there looks
just like Ashley, but it can't be.
222
00:08:05,969 --> 00:08:07,635
She looks half your... beauty.
223
00:08:09,039 --> 00:08:10,505
Ashley Walls.
224
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,473
She outdid me at everything.
225
00:08:12,542 --> 00:08:15,476
Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain,
226
00:08:15,545 --> 00:08:17,412
and the summer before
we went away to college,
227
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,880
she beat me out for an internship
228
00:08:18,949 --> 00:08:20,593
at Pritchett's closets.
229
00:08:20,951 --> 00:08:22,150
Claire?
230
00:08:22,579 --> 00:08:25,247
- Hi.
- I... want to say...
231
00:08:25,347 --> 00:08:26,954
- Ashley?
- Yes!
232
00:08:26,957 --> 00:08:28,690
- How are you?
- Good.
233
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,225
Hi. Ashley Walls-Carnegie.
234
00:08:30,327 --> 00:08:31,459
Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
235
00:08:32,169 --> 00:08:33,928
So, what have you been up to, Ashley?
236
00:08:33,997 --> 00:08:35,897
Uh, well, I'm a personal injury lawyer.
237
00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:37,899
- Mm.
- I have a buddy that makes bank from that.
238
00:08:38,224 --> 00:08:39,619
- Oh?
- He's not a lawyer.
239
00:08:39,654 --> 00:08:41,202
He just tries to get
nice cars to hit him.
240
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,437
Yeah, he's just kidding.
241
00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:43,571
No, I'm not, Mom.
242
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,073
- In fact, I've ac...
- Here, have a candy. Hmm?
243
00:08:45,175 --> 00:08:47,742
That was rude. I just ran
into my old health teacher,
244
00:08:47,811 --> 00:08:49,110
and she said she always expected
245
00:08:49,179 --> 00:08:51,512
to see me pregnant at graduation.
246
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:54,353
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks. Twins.
247
00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:55,750
Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it
248
00:08:55,819 --> 00:08:57,185
if I could track their father down.
249
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,620
Candy.
250
00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:00,989
Oh, look... it's your brother, Mitch.
251
00:09:01,057 --> 00:09:02,657
Now, he was always
a little uptight, wasn't he?
252
00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:05,093
Well, he was in high school,
but now he's just the most...
253
00:09:05,161 --> 00:09:06,394
Okay, you have one job today,
young lady,
254
00:09:06,496 --> 00:09:07,562
okay, to be supportive.
255
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:08,896
If your dad makes a joke,
you will laugh.
256
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,765
If he makes a speech,
you will what? Applaud.
257
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:12,934
Right. I-I-I'm gonna go find my seat.
258
00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:14,769
But it was great catching up
with you, Claire.
259
00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:16,070
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
260
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:18,806
No one would blame you if you mentioned
261
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,242
you had a daughter graduating
from Caltech today.
262
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,511
Yeah. Honey, the moment has passed.
263
00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:26,514
I'd need a pretty good reason to
just go waltzing over there...
264
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:28,082
Oh! She dropped her program!
265
00:09:28,184 --> 00:09:29,286
Yes!
266
00:09:29,321 --> 00:09:30,752
Hey, Claire,
you know how you're my go-to gal...
267
00:09:30,854 --> 00:09:32,320
- Busy.
- Hey, Phil.
268
00:09:32,422 --> 00:09:34,822
You know how you're
my go-to guy on stuff?
269
00:09:34,924 --> 00:09:36,190
Huh.
270
00:09:36,226 --> 00:09:38,493
I suppose against all odds,
we've become best friends.
271
00:09:38,595 --> 00:09:39,604
Sure.
272
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:42,397
So, apparently,
some of the students are angry
273
00:09:42,465 --> 00:09:44,065
that I'm giving the
commencement address.
274
00:09:44,134 --> 00:09:46,768
- Why?
- Who knows why their sick minds do anything?
275
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:49,143
Gotta say though, it feels good
to be hating hippies again.
276
00:09:49,178 --> 00:09:51,239
Anyway, would you mind
giving this place a sweep?
277
00:09:51,308 --> 00:09:53,667
See if you notice something suspicious.
278
00:09:53,702 --> 00:09:55,943
Consider it done.
279
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,679
Hey. What do you got there?
280
00:09:57,781 --> 00:10:00,315
You kids got something under
those robes you want to show me?
281
00:10:01,046 --> 00:10:03,551
Manny, you passed the cuts,
282
00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:05,453
so why aren't you in a better mood?
283
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,024
You bribed my dean to get
me past the cut, didn't you?
284
00:10:10,093 --> 00:10:12,627
I would never do something like that.
285
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:13,995
Oh, bravo!
286
00:10:14,064 --> 00:10:15,730
If Lisa Wagner pulled
out that performance,
287
00:10:15,799 --> 00:10:17,865
maybe she wouldn't be driving
back to her parents' house
288
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,400
with a trunk full of handmade puppets
289
00:10:19,469 --> 00:10:21,769
and a suddenly very uncertain future.
290
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:24,772
I didn't bribe anyone. I don't know
why you're talking such crazy things.
291
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,674
Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.
292
00:10:27,735 --> 00:10:30,678
Wait. You bribed Sensei Ron?!
293
00:10:30,747 --> 00:10:32,213
So this is just a lie?!
294
00:10:32,315 --> 00:10:33,948
Are there others?
295
00:10:34,017 --> 00:10:36,351
Who the hell even am I?!
296
00:10:44,294 --> 00:10:45,526
Oh!
297
00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:46,928
Oops.
298
00:10:48,765 --> 00:10:49,890
Oh, my God!
299
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,769
Nice try, kemosabes.
300
00:10:55,344 --> 00:10:56,427
Oh!
301
00:11:03,713 --> 00:11:05,913
Mm! Mm!
302
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,117
Hey. Ash. I think you left your program.
303
00:11:09,185 --> 00:11:10,694
Oh. Thank you.
304
00:11:10,854 --> 00:11:11,919
Wow, it's wild to think
305
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,621
where all these kids
are gonna end up, right?
306
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:15,890
I mean, there's so many great schools.
307
00:11:15,959 --> 00:11:17,158
In fact, our...
308
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:20,428
Oh. Is something wrong?
309
00:11:20,463 --> 00:11:21,796
Our daughter joined ISIS.
310
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:22,972
Oh, God!
311
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,134
The government said she's
not an American anymore.
312
00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:28,202
There's a van always parked
in front of our house.
313
00:11:28,304 --> 00:11:29,604
Oh, God. I'm so sorry...
314
00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:31,672
Did Claire tell you
our daughter's a genius?
315
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,909
...and so, graduates, look to your left
316
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:37,345
and to your right.
317
00:11:37,414 --> 00:11:39,814
It's a simple key chain with
a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.
318
00:11:39,883 --> 00:11:41,549
If you see it, please pass it forward.
319
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,751
All right, and now
on to our commencement speaker.
320
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,028
He is a pillar of the community,
321
00:11:46,063 --> 00:11:48,990
an entrepreneur and closeteer...
Mr. Jay Pritchett.
322
00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:53,661
Commencement.
323
00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,296
"C" for "courage,"
324
00:11:55,365 --> 00:11:57,231
"O" for "opportunity,"
325
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:58,432
the first "M"...
326
00:12:03,273 --> 00:12:04,772
Disaster had struck.
327
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:05,940
But did I panic?
328
00:12:06,042 --> 00:12:07,074
No.
329
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,577
No one chooses to be
a wartime principal.
330
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,813
But we're the ones history remembers.
331
00:12:12,143 --> 00:12:13,815
Pick one, they all said...
332
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:16,017
closets or blinds.
333
00:12:17,253 --> 00:12:18,686
Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation.
334
00:12:18,755 --> 00:12:20,855
I'm cutting him off and moving
right to the in-memoriam section.
335
00:12:20,924 --> 00:12:22,490
Well, that would be less depressing.
336
00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,092
Yeah, the problem is,
the band just walked out in solidarity.
337
00:12:25,195 --> 00:12:26,828
- Here.
- W-What?
338
00:12:26,863 --> 00:12:29,664
Mitchell, you can't have an
in memoriam without music.
339
00:12:29,732 --> 00:12:31,132
That's just a bummer.
340
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:32,500
- Take it!
- Oh.
341
00:12:32,602 --> 00:12:35,937
Hoot all you want,
but that Brylcreem kid was me!
342
00:12:35,939 --> 00:12:37,038
Yes, hi, thank you.
343
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,206
Thank you, Jay Pritchett, everyone!
344
00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:39,774
Wow, I don't know about you,
but I feel like
345
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,476
getting out there and
taking on the world, huh?
346
00:12:41,544 --> 00:12:43,411
- That's a...
- And now, let's remember
347
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,280
those Dolphins we lost this year.
348
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,182
Mitchell, play something. Play anything.
349
00:12:48,251 --> 00:12:49,951
Something with the most gravitas.
350
00:12:51,454 --> 00:12:55,490
You know, for a person who last
touched a trumpet two years ago,
351
00:12:55,592 --> 00:12:57,124
I think I sounded pretty good.
352
00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,237
I'm done. I'm done.
353
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:10,371
All right! Wow!
354
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,807
That is a lot of deceased for one year.
355
00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:14,876
We should probably have
the police check into that.
356
00:13:14,944 --> 00:13:17,144
And now, before, uh,
passing out diplomas,
357
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,946
I would like to make sort of a...
358
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:22,183
a personal gesture to
this graduating class.
359
00:13:22,252 --> 00:13:25,319
As these balloons fill the sky,
know that each one of them
360
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:29,257
represents a student who
has personally inspired me
361
00:13:29,359 --> 00:13:33,327
and filled me with hope
for a better tomorrow.
362
00:13:38,935 --> 00:13:39,967
What?
363
00:13:42,271 --> 00:13:43,938
Psst! Acting Principal!
364
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,541
Protesters hacked into
our sprinkler system.
365
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:47,742
It's set to go off in five minutes.
366
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:48,943
We have to postpone the graduation.
367
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,244
And miss my chance of
becoming principal?
368
00:13:50,346 --> 00:13:51,379
Not a chance!
369
00:13:51,447 --> 00:13:52,980
Well, no one can read 400
names in five minutes.
370
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,715
Oh, really?
371
00:13:54,817 --> 00:13:56,817
All that training,
all those parties missed,
372
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,085
all those auctions attended
373
00:13:58,187 --> 00:14:00,021
were for this moment right here,
right now.
374
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,956
Students, hi! When you hear your name,
375
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:05,359
please proceed to the stage
and grab your diploma.
376
00:14:05,461 --> 00:14:07,595
Nelly Abrishami,
Allison Acosta, Frieda Alafary,
377
00:14:07,697 --> 00:14:09,564
Scott "The Skunk" Albanese,
Jessica Alenick,
378
00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:12,133
Richard Thompson Allen,
Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,
379
00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:14,302
Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson...
380
00:14:14,404 --> 00:14:15,836
I was gonna make it!
381
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,171
And then...
382
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,973
I hit the Polish names.
383
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:22,410
Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky.
384
00:14:22,512 --> 00:14:25,713
Wladyslaw Wlod...
385
00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:26,914
nisky? Yeah.
386
00:14:27,295 --> 00:14:28,382
Uh... Oh!
387
00:14:28,569 --> 00:14:29,650
Myra Zarinsky...
388
00:14:35,438 --> 00:14:38,064
Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam,
we've got a chance
389
00:14:38,115 --> 00:14:39,848
of blending into the mob
when they turn violent.
390
00:14:39,917 --> 00:14:41,250
What the hell is this?
391
00:14:41,352 --> 00:14:42,584
Okay, well, apparently, when those owls
392
00:14:42,653 --> 00:14:44,219
hacked into the sprinkler system,
it was school-wide.
393
00:14:44,288 --> 00:14:46,655
They're not letting anyone
into the parking structure.
394
00:14:46,724 --> 00:14:47,756
Oh, no!
395
00:14:47,825 --> 00:14:49,358
I hope this doesn't mean
we're gonna have to miss
396
00:14:49,426 --> 00:14:51,627
the second graduation of the day.
397
00:14:53,264 --> 00:14:55,063
How lucky is that?
398
00:14:55,165 --> 00:14:57,799
Me cruising by with an Uber
fare right when you called.
399
00:14:57,868 --> 00:14:59,304
- So lucky.
- Very lucky.
400
00:14:59,371 --> 00:15:02,070
- Very good.
- Well, this is you, Gerald.
401
00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:05,674
Let's have today be the day
402
00:15:05,743 --> 00:15:07,009
you stop playing for your dad
403
00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,977
and start playing for Gerald.
404
00:15:09,046 --> 00:15:10,312
That... That kind of reminds me...
405
00:15:10,381 --> 00:15:12,180
I'm sorry I lied about
the trumpet lessons.
406
00:15:12,249 --> 00:15:13,482
Oh, please.
Not the worst part of my day.
407
00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:16,151
I'm realizing now that Principal
Brown set me up to fail.
408
00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:17,229
There was no car crash,
409
00:15:17,288 --> 00:15:18,487
just like there was no moon landing.
410
00:15:18,555 --> 00:15:20,422
- Cam...
- Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell.
411
00:15:20,491 --> 00:15:22,858
Hey, hey, hey,
I was humiliated much worse than you.
412
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:23,969
It was so unfair.
413
00:15:24,028 --> 00:15:25,761
A lifetime of service out the window.
414
00:15:25,829 --> 00:15:27,663
You think I don't see the faces of owls
415
00:15:27,731 --> 00:15:29,764
every night I close my eyes?
416
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:32,834
At least you've accomplished
something they can tear down.
417
00:15:32,937 --> 00:15:33,946
I'm a fraud!
418
00:15:34,004 --> 00:15:35,404
You see what you did to your brother?
419
00:15:35,472 --> 00:15:37,940
Look at those sad, hurt eyes.
420
00:15:38,008 --> 00:15:39,274
Like a sad little owl.
421
00:15:39,343 --> 00:15:40,375
Well, maybe if you believed in your sons
422
00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:42,199
instead of giving everyone
Colombian handshakes.
423
00:15:42,213 --> 00:15:43,312
What?!
424
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,414
I've never sanded down a man's fingers
425
00:15:45,482 --> 00:15:47,015
in front of his family!
426
00:15:48,118 --> 00:15:49,865
Oh, you mean the bribes?
427
00:15:49,954 --> 00:15:51,087
You can't deny it anymore.
428
00:15:51,122 --> 00:15:53,088
Look at this photo on
my dean's Instagram.
429
00:15:53,157 --> 00:15:54,823
He's wearing the same
watch you gave Sensei Ron.
430
00:15:54,892 --> 00:15:56,425
The superintendent was
wearing that same watch.
431
00:15:56,493 --> 00:15:58,360
I-I noticed it when he shook my
hand at the end of the ceremony
432
00:15:58,429 --> 00:16:00,195
and said I was a "horrifying disgrace."
433
00:16:00,264 --> 00:16:01,730
You bribed him?!
434
00:16:01,832 --> 00:16:03,732
Is that how I got my speech?
435
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,167
Okay, enough!
436
00:16:05,235 --> 00:16:08,036
I'm sure you would have gotten
all these things on your own,
437
00:16:08,105 --> 00:16:11,673
but the world sometimes is very unfair!
438
00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:14,042
And the watches are like an insurance.
439
00:16:14,111 --> 00:16:15,577
Why do you even have so many?
440
00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:18,046
Sometimes I do a little
bit of Ambien shopping
441
00:16:18,115 --> 00:16:20,349
and I buy too much of one thing.
442
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:21,550
Didn't you all wonder
443
00:16:21,618 --> 00:16:24,086
when you got the same
fun socks for Christmas?
444
00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:25,287
- Oh, samesies.
- I'll be damned!
445
00:16:25,389 --> 00:16:26,555
- I don't have those.
- They're fun!
446
00:16:26,657 --> 00:16:27,856
I'm sorry, okay?
447
00:16:27,958 --> 00:16:29,591
But I love you guys so much
448
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:31,760
to leave your dreams to chance.
449
00:16:31,829 --> 00:16:33,662
I suppose where you grew up,
450
00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:35,297
bending the rules was
just a part of life.
451
00:16:35,712 --> 00:16:37,466
It's what you had to do to get by.
452
00:16:37,534 --> 00:16:39,768
Why wouldn't you do that to
help the people you love?
453
00:16:39,870 --> 00:16:41,236
Thank you, Manny.
454
00:16:41,338 --> 00:16:42,604
You're not welcome.
That's not how I feel.
455
00:16:42,673 --> 00:16:43,839
I-It's a speech from a play I was in.
456
00:16:43,941 --> 00:16:45,073
Right after that line,
457
00:16:45,142 --> 00:16:46,808
I light up a cigarette and
put my clothes back on.
458
00:16:47,154 --> 00:16:48,154
Yeah, I'm good, but...
459
00:16:48,184 --> 00:16:50,133
now I'll never know if
that's why I made the cut.
460
00:16:50,147 --> 00:16:51,580
Okay, stop. Look.
461
00:16:51,648 --> 00:16:52,781
We've all had a terrible day today...
462
00:16:52,850 --> 00:16:53,859
Not me.
463
00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:55,951
Tons of great fares,
amazing yoga class...
464
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:58,186
I-I was building to something, buddy.
465
00:16:58,255 --> 00:17:00,022
But that's one of the great
things about being in a family.
466
00:17:00,124 --> 00:17:01,590
We get to share in
each other's victories.
467
00:17:01,658 --> 00:17:03,058
And Alex has a huge victory today
468
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,559
that can make us all feel better.
469
00:17:04,661 --> 00:17:05,761
So let's...
470
00:17:05,829 --> 00:17:08,063
turn around this crap day
with a nice, feel-good...
471
00:17:08,132 --> 00:17:09,398
Hey, is that Alex?
472
00:17:10,047 --> 00:17:12,412
Oh, my God. Pull over! Back up!
473
00:17:15,639 --> 00:17:18,173
Alex! Honey, what happened?
Are you okay?
474
00:17:18,242 --> 00:17:19,325
What day is it?
475
00:17:19,643 --> 00:17:23,512
Not that time is anything
but a flat circle.
476
00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:26,515
So... we were done with classes,
done with finals,
477
00:17:26,583 --> 00:17:29,151
and, like college seniors
since the beginning of time,
478
00:17:29,219 --> 00:17:31,186
we decided to get a little nuts.
479
00:17:31,288 --> 00:17:33,221
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
480
00:17:33,290 --> 00:17:34,923
Our classmate Ashish Chug...
481
00:17:34,992 --> 00:17:36,031
I did it!
482
00:17:36,093 --> 00:17:38,160
...hacked his key card to get us access
483
00:17:38,228 --> 00:17:40,395
to the restricted
section of the library.
484
00:17:40,497 --> 00:17:42,697
We decided to read
Alister's Last Theorem.
485
00:17:42,766 --> 00:17:46,968
Gottlob Alister wrote a proof
showing that zero equals 1.
486
00:17:47,037 --> 00:17:48,570
This rendered mathematics meaningless
487
00:17:48,672 --> 00:17:50,038
and drove him insane.
488
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:52,774
According to legend,
the same fate befalls anyone
489
00:17:52,843 --> 00:17:54,876
who reads and understands the proof.
490
00:17:54,945 --> 00:17:56,411
Good God.
491
00:18:02,853 --> 00:18:04,586
If mathematics doesn't matter,
492
00:18:04,688 --> 00:18:06,021
then no one can be certain of anything,
493
00:18:06,090 --> 00:18:07,456
and I've just wasted the last four...
494
00:18:07,558 --> 00:18:09,491
no, 16 years of my life,
495
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,904
and there's no point in me graduating!
496
00:18:10,995 --> 00:18:13,261
Okay, I can tell that you're very upset,
497
00:18:13,363 --> 00:18:15,230
and you're probably really
overtired from finals.
498
00:18:15,299 --> 00:18:18,300
But you are gonna regret it
if you don't go to graduation.
499
00:18:18,368 --> 00:18:20,302
Look, I promise...
whatever is bothering you,
500
00:18:20,304 --> 00:18:21,403
figure it out after the ceremony...
501
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:22,700
- After?!
- Yes.
502
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:24,439
"After" implies "before"!
503
00:18:24,508 --> 00:18:26,641
But if one minute ago is the
same as zero minutes ago,
504
00:18:26,710 --> 00:18:28,477
then before is now and now is after!
505
00:18:28,579 --> 00:18:30,256
Usually when I hear
people talking like this,
506
00:18:30,314 --> 00:18:32,247
we're walking through a
Taco Bell drive-through.
507
00:18:32,316 --> 00:18:34,883
Sweetie, half your life
is having your mind blown.
508
00:18:34,952 --> 00:18:37,152
I remember when I heard there
were more stars in the galaxy
509
00:18:37,221 --> 00:18:39,621
than grains of rice in
a box of Uncle Ben's.
510
00:18:39,723 --> 00:18:40,922
No, there are more galaxies
511
00:18:41,024 --> 00:18:42,991
than grains of sand on
all the world's beaches.
512
00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:46,261
Okay, I can't lose 'em both!
513
00:18:46,363 --> 00:18:47,796
- I got this! Alex...
- Somebody?
514
00:18:47,898 --> 00:18:50,232
"I never knew true strength until..."
515
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,533
"I met a man with no feet."
516
00:18:51,602 --> 00:18:53,802
Wait. No. These cards are not in order.
517
00:18:53,904 --> 00:18:55,036
Wait. Nobody help her right now...
518
00:18:55,139 --> 00:18:58,106
Alex, you're a smart, confident girl.
519
00:18:58,175 --> 00:19:00,509
I know that you're gonna
make the right decision.
520
00:19:00,577 --> 00:19:03,345
Did you just put this watch on me?
521
00:19:03,447 --> 00:19:05,013
I have a problem.
522
00:19:05,082 --> 00:19:06,982
I say if Alex doesn't want
to go to her graduation,
523
00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:08,216
that's her decision.
524
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:10,519
- Thank you, Luke.
- As long as you know
525
00:19:10,587 --> 00:19:12,787
that whatever's going on
here isn't about math.
526
00:19:12,856 --> 00:19:15,557
Yeah, I think maybe you're
afraid to leave school.
527
00:19:15,626 --> 00:19:17,225
- What?
- Your whole life,
528
00:19:17,294 --> 00:19:20,061
you've always known exactly
what you're supposed to do...
529
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:22,430
study, get good grades, repeat.
530
00:19:22,499 --> 00:19:24,499
Now that's over, and it's scary.
531
00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:27,202
Kind of like if zero equaled 1.
532
00:19:27,271 --> 00:19:29,571
But lucky for you,
your dummy brother and sister
533
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,072
have spent time in the real world.
534
00:19:31,175 --> 00:19:34,009
And if we can handle it,
you're gonna do just fine.
535
00:19:35,179 --> 00:19:37,245
- You think?
- Trust us.
536
00:19:37,832 --> 00:19:40,081
Come on. Let's go get you graduated.
537
00:19:41,251 --> 00:19:42,384
Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed.
538
00:19:42,486 --> 00:19:43,818
- I have to open it from the inside.
- Okay.
539
00:19:43,887 --> 00:19:45,920
I got it! Hyah!
540
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:47,722
- Ohhh! Ohhh!
- Ohhh! Ohhh!
541
00:19:47,824 --> 00:19:49,391
Legend Danner.
542
00:19:50,861 --> 00:19:53,061
I still can't get over
that commencement speech.
543
00:19:53,163 --> 00:19:54,563
Not a single laugh.
544
00:19:54,665 --> 00:19:56,831
I'll tell you one element he
didn't discover... hilarium.
545
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:58,099
Oh! Oh, oh!
546
00:19:58,202 --> 00:19:59,538
Alex Dunphy.
547
00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:01,536
Congratulations.
548
00:20:01,638 --> 00:20:02,738
Hey!
549
00:20:04,274 --> 00:20:06,541
We don't want to brag, but, uh...
550
00:20:06,643 --> 00:20:08,643
Our kids did that.
551
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:11,146
Yeah.
552
00:20:15,803 --> 00:20:17,990
Ay, no! No more watches!
553
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,950
When did I order these ones?!
554
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,436
Hey, Mom, guess what!
555
00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:25,310
What, Papi?
556
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,320
My friend Carly got cut from my program,
557
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,970
and her dads funded
our new costume department.
558
00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:31,360
I guess bribes don't work.
559
00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:32,930
I got through on my own merit.
560
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,370
- Yay!
- That calls for a reward.
561
00:20:36,384 --> 00:20:37,540
What is this?
562
00:20:37,590 --> 00:20:40,420
Ay, Manny, please don't tell Jay.
563
00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:41,900
Oatmeal raisin?
564
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:43,460
You know what... a true artist
565
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,810
doesn't close himself off
to new experiences,
566
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:48,120
even vile, ill-leavened cookies.
567
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,600
That's the path I have chosen,
568
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,950
to experience and observe everything
569
00:20:51,990 --> 00:20:53,730
in this beautiful pageant we call life.
570
00:20:54,562 --> 00:20:56,170
Aah!
571
00:20:59,481 --> 00:21:01,533
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
42214
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