All language subtitles for Modern Family S10E22 - A Year of Birthdays

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,140 - _ - Speech! Speech! 2 00:00:03,242 --> 00:00:04,441 - Okay, okay, okay. Settle down. - _ 3 00:00:04,543 --> 00:00:05,743 Um... 4 00:00:05,811 --> 00:00:07,311 It's hard to believe I'm 50. 5 00:00:07,413 --> 00:00:09,713 A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged. 6 00:00:09,782 --> 00:00:11,248 What's he been the last 10 years? 7 00:00:11,350 --> 00:00:13,383 Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us. 8 00:00:13,486 --> 00:00:15,452 I've thought a lot about what's next. 9 00:00:15,554 --> 00:00:17,354 - 51. - Thank you, buddy. 10 00:00:17,456 --> 00:00:19,823 And it's important that I continue to grow 11 00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:22,826 and that I stay mentally challenged. 12 00:00:22,895 --> 00:00:25,629 Which is why I am starting... 13 00:00:25,731 --> 00:00:27,064 piano lessons, 14 00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:28,432 so that by next year's birthday, 15 00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,801 I'll be good enough to perform in public. 16 00:00:30,903 --> 00:00:32,603 Oh, great. Another thing to go to. 17 00:00:32,705 --> 00:00:35,439 Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish. 18 00:00:35,508 --> 00:00:37,074 Excelente! 19 00:00:37,143 --> 00:00:39,576 Uh, I... I haven't started yet. 20 00:00:39,645 --> 00:00:41,411 Um, and finally, um... 21 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,481 and I know it's a little bit of a midlife-crisis cliché, 22 00:00:44,550 --> 00:00:45,783 but... 23 00:00:46,015 --> 00:00:48,719 I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle! 24 00:00:49,889 --> 00:00:52,389 Phil, you forgot to open one of your gifts. 25 00:00:52,458 --> 00:00:53,467 Ooh! 26 00:00:53,559 --> 00:00:56,527 This one, Jay picked it up for you himself. 27 00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:58,595 - He did? - Hey, Dad. 28 00:00:58,664 --> 00:00:59,930 So, what's going on with that hat? 29 00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:02,332 Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take 30 00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:03,734 when we go to these things, 31 00:01:03,803 --> 00:01:05,369 so I'm searching for the right hat 32 00:01:05,471 --> 00:01:07,237 that makes me look like I'm having fun. 33 00:01:07,339 --> 00:01:09,139 Or you could just smile more. 34 00:01:09,241 --> 00:01:11,408 - Eh. - Wow! 35 00:01:11,477 --> 00:01:13,064 "The Sommelier's Guide 36 00:01:13,076 --> 00:01:14,875 - "to the Wines of France." - Ooh! 37 00:01:14,914 --> 00:01:17,247 - I love it so much. - Nice! 38 00:01:17,349 --> 00:01:19,316 Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed. 39 00:01:20,653 --> 00:01:22,019 "May you continue to age 40 00:01:22,121 --> 00:01:24,755 as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux." 41 00:01:25,525 --> 00:01:28,192 "Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam." 42 00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:31,795 - Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift? - Dad! 43 00:01:31,897 --> 00:01:33,997 - I didn't know he wrote in it. - Because you didn't open it. 44 00:01:34,066 --> 00:01:35,465 So now I feel like a jerk. 45 00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:37,467 How could you be a jerk? You're wearing that hat. 46 00:01:37,676 --> 00:01:42,768 _ 47 00:01:43,008 --> 00:01:44,741 A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means. 48 00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,746 I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift... 49 00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:04,194 a box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin Roasts. 50 00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:06,763 I was so moved by the romantic gesture 51 00:02:06,866 --> 00:02:08,365 that for Jay's birthday, 52 00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:11,835 I invited a bunch of people over to insult him. 53 00:02:13,572 --> 00:02:15,138 So, my ex-wife and I, 54 00:02:15,241 --> 00:02:17,641 we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria. 55 00:02:17,743 --> 00:02:19,509 They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says, 56 00:02:19,612 --> 00:02:22,179 "Whoa, look at all that skin." 57 00:02:22,281 --> 00:02:24,081 And I said, "Baby, come on." 58 00:02:24,183 --> 00:02:25,192 "What's wrong with that? 59 00:02:25,284 --> 00:02:27,618 She's a beautiful woman in a bikini." 60 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,220 She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp." 61 00:02:35,194 --> 00:02:37,661 Jay is so not Latin 62 00:02:37,763 --> 00:02:39,997 that every time that he dances, 63 00:02:40,099 --> 00:02:42,432 people point him to the bathroom. 64 00:02:43,412 --> 00:02:46,336 He has no rhythm. That's what I mean. 65 00:02:46,438 --> 00:02:49,673 But seriously, I love the whites. 66 00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:52,209 No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist. 67 00:02:52,311 --> 00:02:54,811 Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine... 68 00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:56,680 a wonderful book about wine. 69 00:03:00,286 --> 00:03:02,152 I-I don't want to say my father is old, 70 00:03:02,254 --> 00:03:05,455 but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K. 71 00:03:07,726 --> 00:03:09,726 My dad is old. 72 00:03:09,828 --> 00:03:11,728 How old is he? 73 00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:13,897 He's so old that when he started using it, 74 00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,732 it was called Preparation G. 75 00:03:18,237 --> 00:03:19,303 Enough! 76 00:03:19,405 --> 00:03:20,837 This is terrible! 77 00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:23,941 I don't know why any of you people think this is funny! 78 00:03:24,043 --> 00:03:28,111 You may think these are jokes, but it's way too real. 79 00:03:28,213 --> 00:03:31,882 We need to respect Grandpa instead of cutting him down. 80 00:03:31,984 --> 00:03:35,385 None of us really knows how much time he has left. 81 00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:37,554 Do you really want these to be the last words he hears? 82 00:03:37,656 --> 00:03:39,623 Well, now I feel like hell. 83 00:03:39,725 --> 00:03:42,125 And that's how you roast! Bam! 84 00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:48,065 I don't understand why adults make such a big deal 85 00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,232 about their birthdays. 86 00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,168 So this year, I asked for nothing. 87 00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:54,004 No party, no fuss. 88 00:03:54,106 --> 00:03:56,073 Just a quiet night by myself, 89 00:03:56,175 --> 00:03:58,709 with my thoughts, all alone. 90 00:04:00,913 --> 00:04:01,978 Okay. 91 00:04:01,981 --> 00:04:04,448 Just as I had hoped, Mitchell is miserable. 92 00:04:04,550 --> 00:04:05,716 He said he didn't want a party, 93 00:04:05,818 --> 00:04:07,951 but it's like when you write "No gifts" on an invitation 94 00:04:08,053 --> 00:04:09,586 but you secretly want everyone to bring something 95 00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:10,720 big and expensive, Jotham. 96 00:04:10,723 --> 00:04:12,689 I made a heartfelt toast at your party. 97 00:04:12,791 --> 00:04:14,958 Yes, and those 12 words were just as generous 98 00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:17,461 as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought. 99 00:04:17,563 --> 00:04:19,196 Okay, I'm gonna go in. 100 00:04:19,298 --> 00:04:21,832 When you hear me say "Mitchell, you're not alone," 101 00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:24,368 that's when you come in and you yell "Surprise." 102 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,836 We know what to say. 103 00:04:25,938 --> 00:04:27,550 Mm. Do you? 104 00:04:29,141 --> 00:04:30,340 Hey! 105 00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:32,776 - How you doing? Okay? - Yeah. 106 00:04:32,878 --> 00:04:35,045 Now do you see what it's like to spend your birthday alone? 107 00:04:35,147 --> 00:04:36,880 I do. And it's... 108 00:04:36,982 --> 00:04:38,048 - Yeah. - ...amazing. 109 00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:39,816 - What? - Cam, thank you. Thank you. 110 00:04:39,918 --> 00:04:42,652 For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what I wanted 111 00:04:42,755 --> 00:04:44,855 instead of what you thought I should want. 112 00:04:44,957 --> 00:04:47,024 Honey, this is the best birthday present ever. 113 00:04:47,126 --> 00:04:49,026 - It is? - Yes! 114 00:04:49,128 --> 00:04:50,827 Oh, and you've... you've got to be relieved, too. 115 00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:52,596 I mean, every time we hang out with our friends, 116 00:04:52,698 --> 00:04:54,297 they leave and you spend the rest of the night 117 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,366 complaining about how every single one of them annoys you. 118 00:04:56,468 --> 00:04:58,301 I don't know what you're talking about! 119 00:04:58,404 --> 00:05:01,304 Oh, please. Jotham's cheap. L'Michael has bad breath. 120 00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:02,706 That doesn't sound like me! 121 00:05:02,808 --> 00:05:04,775 Antonio's weave is falling apart. 122 00:05:04,877 --> 00:05:06,476 Vincent's a sloppy drunk. 123 00:05:06,578 --> 00:05:07,944 Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling 124 00:05:08,047 --> 00:05:09,713 his one Bernadette Peters story. 125 00:05:10,307 --> 00:05:11,982 You're the sloppy drunk! 126 00:05:13,152 --> 00:05:14,584 Surprise! 127 00:05:16,922 --> 00:05:18,455 Here's a thing I realized... 128 00:05:18,557 --> 00:05:21,425 You can't get older if you never have birthdays. 129 00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,266 ♪ Happy birth... ♪ 130 00:05:32,237 --> 00:05:34,671 - What'd I tell you? - I thought this would be the year. 131 00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:36,506 I told my family I just wanted my birthday 132 00:05:36,575 --> 00:05:38,575 to be me and Dylan this year because at the time, 133 00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:40,410 I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret, 134 00:05:40,479 --> 00:05:42,012 and I knew they'd get all suspicious 135 00:05:42,081 --> 00:05:43,113 about why I wasn't drinking. 136 00:05:43,182 --> 00:05:44,381 What was I going to say? 137 00:05:44,450 --> 00:05:45,816 "I can't drink because I have work in the morning"? 138 00:05:47,019 --> 00:05:48,785 There's no way they'd believe that. 139 00:05:50,055 --> 00:05:51,321 Here. I got you a present. 140 00:05:51,423 --> 00:05:52,823 Ooh! Thank you! 141 00:05:54,293 --> 00:05:55,525 Get out! 142 00:05:55,627 --> 00:05:56,893 Gucci baby sneakers! 143 00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:00,297 They're adorable. 144 00:06:00,399 --> 00:06:02,365 Our baby's gonna be so hot. 145 00:06:02,434 --> 00:06:03,633 Personally, I think it's weird 146 00:06:03,735 --> 00:06:05,502 that there are shoes for someone who can't walk. 147 00:06:05,604 --> 00:06:09,306 But you know what, Haley? I love that we're pregnannnt... 148 00:06:10,275 --> 00:06:12,309 - Hello! - Hi! 149 00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:13,543 What are you guys doing here? 150 00:06:13,645 --> 00:06:14,878 At the restaurant? We got a... 151 00:06:14,947 --> 00:06:16,213 - We got a Groupon, but we... - Us too. 152 00:06:16,315 --> 00:06:17,948 Yeah, we j... we just saw that you were over here. 153 00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:19,716 - Wanted to say happy birthday. - Happy birthday. 154 00:06:19,785 --> 00:06:21,051 Didn't mean to overhear. 155 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,152 You didn't overhear anything. 156 00:06:22,154 --> 00:06:23,653 We were talking about a TV show. 157 00:06:23,755 --> 00:06:24,921 Oh, well, then, what's... what's up 158 00:06:25,023 --> 00:06:26,156 with these little baby shoes, then? 159 00:06:26,225 --> 00:06:27,791 These are... These are not baby shoes. 160 00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:29,025 - Oh. - No, they're, um... 161 00:06:29,128 --> 00:06:30,560 We are starting a business 162 00:06:30,629 --> 00:06:34,131 for people who cannot afford full-size designer wear. 163 00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:37,300 Oh. Well, as much as that does sound like you, I... 164 00:06:37,402 --> 00:06:38,635 Okay. 165 00:06:39,605 --> 00:06:41,138 - I'm pregnant. - Oh, my God. 166 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,272 That's exciting! 167 00:06:42,374 --> 00:06:44,207 - Is it? - We think so. 168 00:06:44,309 --> 00:06:45,675 But we have not told my parents yet, 169 00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:47,210 so please don't say anything. 170 00:06:47,312 --> 00:06:49,613 Oh, honey, I could keep your secret forever, 171 00:06:49,715 --> 00:06:51,581 but just so you know, he can't. 172 00:06:51,683 --> 00:06:52,716 Yeah, I'm weak. 173 00:06:52,718 --> 00:06:54,417 Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops. 174 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:55,919 - What? - Yeah. 175 00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:58,021 Oh. Okay. Well, these were from us, but... 176 00:06:58,123 --> 00:06:59,356 Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant. 177 00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:01,291 Okay, there you go. See? 178 00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:02,492 Now, you listen to me. 179 00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:03,760 My roller-coastering hormones 180 00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:05,729 cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now, 181 00:07:05,831 --> 00:07:07,063 so you are going to tell me a secret 182 00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:11,067 that I will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine! 183 00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:12,769 - Yeah, but I don't have any secrets. - Mm? 184 00:07:12,871 --> 00:07:14,771 Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo, 185 00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:17,007 he puts the makeup everywhere. 186 00:07:17,109 --> 00:07:18,742 - Mm. You're the best. - Mm-hmm. 187 00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:21,373 Because of the whole 21 thing, 188 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,644 people don't think turning 20 is a big deal. 189 00:07:23,679 --> 00:07:26,373 But it's all I've been thinking about 190 00:07:26,408 --> 00:07:28,093 for the last three years. 191 00:07:30,323 --> 00:07:31,416 Hey. 192 00:07:31,571 --> 00:07:33,304 Three years ago, I came in here, 193 00:07:33,339 --> 00:07:35,894 and when I saw you, I fell in love. 194 00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:37,556 The kind of love that punches you in the gut 195 00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:39,658 and makes you wanna be a better man. 196 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,161 But when I asked you out, you said, "Sorry, kid. 197 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,897 You're cute, but I don't date teenagers." 198 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,232 Well... check it out. 199 00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:48,901 Oh! Happy birthday! 200 00:07:49,377 --> 00:07:50,569 But now I don't date men. 201 00:07:50,936 --> 00:07:52,003 Oh. 202 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,742 Well... looks like I've got a decision to make. 203 00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,945 On my birthday this year, 204 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,781 I really got a sense of what people think of me. 205 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,083 Which is... 206 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,417 so great. 207 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:06,886 This is from me and the boys. 208 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,421 Gloria got you her own gift. 209 00:08:09,150 --> 00:08:11,490 Wow, this is wrapped so nicely! 210 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:12,658 I did that. 211 00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,360 It's a lost art in this modern age 212 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:16,962 where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet. 213 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,664 Papi, just be normal. 214 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,966 Let's see. It is, uh... 215 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,568 some kind of silk pillow? 216 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:23,669 Well, it's more than that. 217 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,871 See, there's a switch on the side, 218 00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,574 and when you lay on it, it... it plays ocean sounds for you. 219 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,076 You know, i-it helps you relax. 220 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,778 - Huh. - At least it's not a re-gift. 221 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,180 - How do you live with this? - I... 222 00:08:34,899 --> 00:08:35,982 Tell you what. 223 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,317 How about we do one more gift, and then 224 00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:39,185 - we take a break for cake and do the rest after? - Yeah. 225 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,287 Hmm? 226 00:08:40,373 --> 00:08:42,655 Here, Mrs. Dunphy. This is from me and Haley. 227 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:43,990 Mm, thank you, Dylan. 228 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,224 Although I have to say, 229 00:08:45,326 --> 00:08:48,261 you have given me enough gifts this year already. 230 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,897 Again, I'm very sorry about impregnating your daughter. 231 00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,055 Yeah. 232 00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:54,734 What is this? 233 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,135 It's an aromatherapy machine. 234 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,851 See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you 235 00:08:57,852 --> 00:08:59,069 with the stress of the day. 236 00:08:59,169 --> 00:09:00,186 Oh! 237 00:09:00,257 --> 00:09:02,133 Alright, well... let's see. 238 00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:04,770 So far, I have gotten a spa day, 239 00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:06,153 three massages, 240 00:09:06,253 --> 00:09:09,119 a meditation class, an ocean pillow, 241 00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:11,458 a rage bat, and a little machine 242 00:09:11,558 --> 00:09:13,534 that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down. 243 00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,017 Why does everyone think I'm so tense? 244 00:09:15,117 --> 00:09:16,730 You bit through your night guard. 245 00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:19,004 You're squeezing me too hard. 246 00:09:19,103 --> 00:09:21,079 And last week, you made the pharmacist cry. 247 00:09:21,179 --> 00:09:23,320 That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed. 248 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,803 The entire family was sick. 249 00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:26,418 I was not cooking meth. 250 00:09:26,518 --> 00:09:28,822 You know what? I don't even want cake. 251 00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:30,932 I really don't appreciate being criticized like this, 252 00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,315 especially on my birthday. 253 00:09:35,163 --> 00:09:38,048 Um, that's my gift. Open later. 254 00:09:39,073 --> 00:09:41,014 Manny and I share a birthday, 255 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,683 so I always do something big to get attention. 256 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,282 Look! No hands! 257 00:09:45,287 --> 00:09:47,637 - Way to go, kid! - Bravo, papi! 258 00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:49,647 Hey, guys! Check it out. 259 00:09:49,746 --> 00:09:51,752 Unicycling to my piano lesson. 260 00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:54,190 Wow! We're so proud of you! 261 00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:55,295 Now, that's impressive. 262 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,419 Happy birthday, Joe! 263 00:09:57,519 --> 00:09:59,561 It was! 264 00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:01,242 It goes without saying 265 00:10:01,342 --> 00:10:03,185 I'm the best performer in the family. 266 00:10:03,285 --> 00:10:05,887 This year, for my birthday, I decided to have a talent show 267 00:10:05,987 --> 00:10:07,699 so they all start saying it. 268 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,314 Wait. 269 00:10:09,414 --> 00:10:10,962 It's a talent show? I-I didn't know that. 270 00:10:11,062 --> 00:10:12,595 It said so on the invitation. 271 00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:14,322 - Mitchell? - I only skimmed it. 272 00:10:14,422 --> 00:10:15,430 This is a disaster. 273 00:10:15,509 --> 00:10:17,255 We didn't prepare anything! 274 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:20,583 ♪ Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina ♪ 275 00:10:20,683 --> 00:10:24,372 ♪ In the morning ♪ 276 00:10:24,472 --> 00:10:26,250 ♪ No one could be sweeter than my sweetie... ♪ 277 00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:28,421 I can't believe they had matching vests in their car. 278 00:10:28,521 --> 00:10:30,860 Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry? 279 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,517 Because the President wants to build a wall! 280 00:10:34,616 --> 00:10:36,824 Ay, yeah, that is very sad. 281 00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:38,108 Sad for me, 282 00:10:38,208 --> 00:10:41,865 because I have no money and I am ugly. 283 00:10:41,964 --> 00:10:45,786 For you, he would let you in because you have money 284 00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:47,763 and you have the boobs. 285 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,091 I never thought Uncle Grumpy would go political. 286 00:10:51,191 --> 00:10:52,246 Hm. Yeah. 287 00:10:58,175 --> 00:11:00,877 I knew I wasn't ready! 288 00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:02,689 - ♪ Naah-aah ♪ - ♪ Butterflies all flutter up ♪ 289 00:11:02,789 --> 00:11:04,072 - ♪ Aah-aah ♪ - ♪ And kiss each little buttercup... ♪ 290 00:11:04,172 --> 00:11:05,720 Stella, walk in a circle. 291 00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:07,104 Stella, sit. 292 00:11:07,204 --> 00:11:08,554 Bang! 293 00:11:08,653 --> 00:11:10,102 - Ohh. - Ah. Close, Dad. 294 00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:12,376 No, I taught her to go for the gun. 295 00:11:14,286 --> 00:11:17,481 The banjo scares me ever since I saw that creepy film. 296 00:11:17,581 --> 00:11:18,865 Wait. What was it called, again? 297 00:11:18,964 --> 00:11:20,018 "Deliverance"? 298 00:11:20,118 --> 00:11:21,912 No... "The Muppet Movie." 299 00:11:23,248 --> 00:11:25,323 He was a three-toed tree toad, but a two-toed toad was she. 300 00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:27,135 The three-toed tree toad tried to win the two-toed shetoad's heart, 301 00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:28,552 for the three-toed tree toad loved the ground 302 00:11:28,652 --> 00:11:29,903 that the two-toed tree toad trod. 303 00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:31,220 "...tree toad trod." And sent. 304 00:11:32,672 --> 00:11:33,689 - Ohh! - Whoa! Ay! 305 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,075 Stop it! 306 00:11:35,175 --> 00:11:36,690 Fastest thumbs in the West! 307 00:11:38,438 --> 00:11:41,929 ♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day ♪ 308 00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:45,916 ♪ I would make a wish, and here's what I'd say ♪ 309 00:11:46,016 --> 00:11:48,980 ♪ Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina ♪ 310 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,934 ♪ In the mooorniiing ♪ 311 00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:54,977 As you all know, Sherry and I met 312 00:11:55,077 --> 00:11:57,646 and fell for each other over our love of improv. 313 00:11:57,746 --> 00:12:00,381 So, we're at a romantic restaurant. 314 00:12:00,481 --> 00:12:01,666 Okay. 315 00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:06,114 That dinner was delicious. 316 00:12:06,214 --> 00:12:08,256 I can't believe you chose this place. 317 00:12:08,356 --> 00:12:10,068 The chef is my ex-boyfriend. 318 00:12:10,168 --> 00:12:11,353 The crazy one? 319 00:12:11,453 --> 00:12:13,462 Yes. He's very jealous, 320 00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:15,504 and I'm scared he did something to your food. 321 00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:16,690 Oh. Eh... 322 00:12:16,791 --> 00:12:18,206 I am feeling a little funny. 323 00:12:18,306 --> 00:12:19,722 I wish this were a little funny. 324 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,469 Ooh. Ha. Okay. Oh, boy. 325 00:12:21,568 --> 00:12:22,820 Whew! 326 00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:24,368 I-Is this room spinning? I... 327 00:12:24,468 --> 00:12:26,675 - No. - I was afraid of that. 328 00:12:26,775 --> 00:12:28,948 Well, then I better do this before it's too late. 329 00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,551 And this part is real. 330 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,396 Sherry Shaker, 331 00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:35,209 I used to be a one-man show, 332 00:12:35,308 --> 00:12:37,844 and then you entered from stage left, 333 00:12:37,944 --> 00:12:39,492 and I fell in love. 334 00:12:39,881 --> 00:12:41,640 I want you 335 00:12:41,732 --> 00:12:43,677 to be my scene partner forever. 336 00:12:44,483 --> 00:12:47,037 Darling, let's force our friends to sit through 337 00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:49,673 the rest of our lives together. 338 00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:52,705 Will you marry me? 339 00:12:52,715 --> 00:12:53,825 Oh, my God. 340 00:12:55,632 --> 00:12:56,693 Manny! 341 00:12:57,516 --> 00:12:59,360 No! 342 00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:01,436 Why would you do this?! 343 00:13:06,372 --> 00:13:08,830 You gotta be feeling better about that piano. 344 00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,120 I'd rather not talk about my birthday this year. 345 00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:18,298 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily ♪ 346 00:13:18,299 --> 00:13:22,202 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 347 00:13:22,303 --> 00:13:23,770 I still can't believe Sherry said no 348 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,272 and broke up with me. 349 00:13:25,373 --> 00:13:26,940 What does he expect? He's 20 years old. 350 00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:29,743 He proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant. 351 00:13:29,844 --> 00:13:31,478 Whatever happened to "Yes and"? 352 00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:32,812 Jay, I've tried everything. 353 00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:35,448 Please say something to him that will make him feel better. 354 00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:36,950 Fine. 355 00:13:37,051 --> 00:13:38,785 Kid, let it go. 356 00:13:38,837 --> 00:13:40,304 It was four days ago. 357 00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:42,539 Alright, let's make a wish! 358 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,907 I wish I were dead. 359 00:13:45,009 --> 00:13:46,009 Alright. 360 00:13:46,708 --> 00:13:47,778 There we go. 361 00:13:49,481 --> 00:13:51,449 Haley and I have had this plan for years 362 00:13:51,450 --> 00:13:54,285 that when I turn 21, we'd hit the bars together. 363 00:13:54,386 --> 00:13:57,221 But since she's pregnant, I was drinking for two. 364 00:13:58,223 --> 00:13:59,624 Technically, four. 365 00:14:02,394 --> 00:14:04,795 Lemme tell you something, Haley Dunphy. 366 00:14:04,897 --> 00:14:07,131 Do you know how much I admire you? 367 00:14:07,528 --> 00:14:10,101 Do you? So much! 368 00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:12,837 While I was working my butt off, 369 00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,605 you were out there having fun! 370 00:14:14,706 --> 00:14:16,240 Not worrying about anything... 371 00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,643 not school, not work... 372 00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:20,211 not condoms. 373 00:14:20,312 --> 00:14:21,913 Look at you... all preg-a-nant. 374 00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:25,183 Maybe I should have Bill come get me pregnant. 375 00:14:25,284 --> 00:14:26,317 Ooh. 376 00:14:26,318 --> 00:14:28,853 Then we can be pregnant together! That would be fun! 377 00:14:28,854 --> 00:14:30,421 Where's my phone? 378 00:14:30,522 --> 00:14:32,824 I'm gonna text him to come get me pregnant. 379 00:14:32,925 --> 00:14:34,158 You know what? 380 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:35,886 It's 2000-something. 381 00:14:35,895 --> 00:14:37,929 I'm gonna get him pregnant! 382 00:14:38,313 --> 00:14:39,997 I miss drinking. 383 00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:42,752 Unlike some people, I love my birthday. 384 00:14:42,851 --> 00:14:44,781 It's the one day a year that can be all about me. 385 00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:49,166 Oh, yeah. Um, um... 386 00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:50,998 So, um, I thought it would be fun 387 00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:52,503 if we all went around the room 388 00:14:52,602 --> 00:14:53,779 and say what we love about Cam. 389 00:14:53,879 --> 00:14:54,884 - Oh! - Yeah. 390 00:14:54,984 --> 00:14:57,281 Well, that's out of nowhere, but if you insist. 391 00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:58,525 Haley, why don't you go first? 392 00:14:58,624 --> 00:14:59,630 Oh, me? Okay. 393 00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:01,960 Well, um... I love Uncle Cam 394 00:15:02,059 --> 00:15:04,218 because he is fun and dresses with flair. 395 00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:05,429 Oh, my gosh. 396 00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:07,948 And, uh, I love 397 00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,519 that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy. 398 00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:11,025 - Awww! - Ohh! 399 00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:12,226 Oh, also, I love that you guys were the first ones 400 00:15:12,325 --> 00:15:15,141 to find out I was pregnant and you never judged me. 401 00:15:15,434 --> 00:15:16,677 Wait a minute. What are you talking about? 402 00:15:16,776 --> 00:15:18,869 I thought we all found out at the same time. 403 00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,243 Oh,... Well... 404 00:15:20,343 --> 00:15:22,043 Mitchell, you knew she was pregnant and you didn't tell me? 405 00:15:22,142 --> 00:15:23,711 I didn't think it was my place. 406 00:15:23,811 --> 00:15:25,348 Anyway, who's next? 407 00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:26,951 "What I love about Cam is..." 408 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,111 I just wish you would have my back just once. 409 00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,205 I don't think she's been using my gift. 410 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,461 - ♪ Happy birthday to Cam, happy... ♪ - Stop. Drop it. 411 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,691 Welcome to my world. 412 00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:37,291 At my birthday, all anyone cared about was weepy Manny 413 00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:38,600 'cause Sherry broke up with him. 414 00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:41,251 She has a boyfriend now. 415 00:15:42,076 --> 00:15:44,228 Way to go, Lily. Way to go! 416 00:15:45,604 --> 00:15:47,337 _ 417 00:15:55,945 --> 00:15:57,972 How old are you? 418 00:15:58,071 --> 00:16:01,015 I turn 51 in, uh... 419 00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:02,586 this many days. 420 00:16:02,685 --> 00:16:03,895 Ugh. 421 00:16:03,995 --> 00:16:06,251 My dad had a midlife crisis, too. 422 00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:07,887 I have a hamster at his condo. 423 00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:09,818 No. N-No midlife crisis. 424 00:16:09,917 --> 00:16:12,175 I just think you're... you're never too old to learn. 425 00:16:13,877 --> 00:16:15,578 Just stay away from my mom. 426 00:16:15,677 --> 00:16:17,410 She has a thing for losers. 427 00:16:20,454 --> 00:16:22,711 Are you okay? Should we take you to the hospital? 428 00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,739 Yeah, the contractions are getting closer together. 429 00:16:24,838 --> 00:16:26,474 No. Dad is next. 430 00:16:26,573 --> 00:16:28,568 I can hold it for a few minutes, okay? 431 00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:30,206 I don't want to screw this up for him. 432 00:16:35,605 --> 00:16:38,549 Yikes. Hate to follow that. 433 00:16:38,648 --> 00:16:40,414 What are you gonna dazzle us with? 434 00:16:40,513 --> 00:16:41,690 "Fur Elise." 435 00:16:41,789 --> 00:16:44,243 In which key... "B" obvious? 436 00:16:44,342 --> 00:16:47,973 Next up, the only student of mine who shaves. 437 00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:50,067 Phillip Dunphy. 438 00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:57,760 Um... 439 00:16:59,361 --> 00:17:01,945 When I turned 50, I vowed to do some things 440 00:17:02,044 --> 00:17:03,745 to take me out of my comfort zone 441 00:17:03,844 --> 00:17:06,101 and keep me on my toes, and I want to thank my family 442 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,785 - for being my biggest cheerleaders. - Oooooaaaaaah! 443 00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:10,171 I love you, too, honey. 444 00:17:10,183 --> 00:17:11,409 No, Haley's going into labor! 445 00:17:11,410 --> 00:17:12,710 We've got to get her to the hospital, honey! 446 00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:13,921 - Oh! - I tried to hold it! I'm sorry, Dad! 447 00:17:14,022 --> 00:17:15,885 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everyone! 448 00:17:15,985 --> 00:17:17,620 Convenient. 449 00:17:31,962 --> 00:17:33,382 Yes! Great! Come on! 450 00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:34,759 Great work, honey. 451 00:17:34,794 --> 00:17:36,182 Tell your mom I say hi. 452 00:17:40,633 --> 00:17:42,890 - Dylan! - Is everything okay? 453 00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,147 No. 454 00:17:46,588 --> 00:17:48,027 Everything's amazing. 455 00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:49,729 Why would you say it that way? 456 00:17:49,828 --> 00:17:51,103 Haley's fine. 457 00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:52,608 She was so brave. 458 00:17:52,707 --> 00:17:54,408 And the babies are great! 459 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,143 I can't wait to see them! 460 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,647 As soon as they're done getting checked out. 461 00:17:57,747 --> 00:17:58,858 I'm gonna go get them now. 462 00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:01,247 Wait, wait. What about the sex? 463 00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:03,145 Doctor says not for six weeks. 464 00:18:06,393 --> 00:18:07,530 Is this the Dunphy suite? 465 00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,868 Oh, how's the mommy? 466 00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:13,126 Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go. 467 00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,225 How you doing, kiddo? 468 00:18:14,304 --> 00:18:16,333 A little tired. I overdid it last night. 469 00:18:16,432 --> 00:18:18,524 I don't think he was talking to you, buddy. 470 00:18:18,623 --> 00:18:19,834 It's overwhelming. 471 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,371 Just feeling so many different emotions. 472 00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:23,270 I'm also doing great. 473 00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,560 I have a son and a daughter, 474 00:18:25,659 --> 00:18:27,557 and once they washed them off, they were really cute. 475 00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:30,142 - Aww! - Oh, what are their names? 476 00:18:30,241 --> 00:18:33,087 We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. 477 00:18:33,186 --> 00:18:36,555 Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella. 478 00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:38,944 - Ooh. - Phil, this is for you. 479 00:18:39,043 --> 00:18:41,823 It's a... little early birthday present. 480 00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:44,867 And I admit, this one is a re-gift. 481 00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:49,536 "World's Best Grandfather." 482 00:18:49,565 --> 00:18:51,542 It's the mug I gave you when Haley was born. 483 00:18:51,641 --> 00:18:52,819 You kept it all these years. 484 00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:55,142 Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now. 485 00:18:55,241 --> 00:18:57,334 I don't need it anymore. I got a new title. 486 00:18:58,316 --> 00:18:59,788 "Great grandma"? 487 00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,112 Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one. 488 00:19:02,211 --> 00:19:03,486 Here. 489 00:19:03,585 --> 00:19:05,547 - I'm going to count to three. - Yeah. 490 00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:07,282 Hey, how was your recital, Phil? 491 00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,918 Oh, I messed it all up for him. 492 00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,292 Sorry about that, Dad. 493 00:19:10,392 --> 00:19:12,746 I-I know that was your big goal for the year. 494 00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:14,742 I have a better one now. 495 00:19:14,841 --> 00:19:16,837 Mi ano fue hermoso. 496 00:19:16,884 --> 00:19:18,996 - Mm. - My year was beautiful. 497 00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:20,894 "Año" means "year." 498 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,185 "Ano" means "anus." 499 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,443 Still works. 500 00:19:26,087 --> 00:19:27,537 Hey, everybody. 501 00:19:27,636 --> 00:19:29,991 Ay, where are the babies? I want to see them. 502 00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:32,184 Thers no easy way to say this. 503 00:19:34,344 --> 00:19:36,699 Mitch and Cam have a whole thing they want to do. 504 00:19:36,798 --> 00:19:38,630 Oh, God. It's worse than I thought. 505 00:19:38,729 --> 00:19:42,361 ♪ Nants ingonyama ♪ 506 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:43,800 ♪ Bagithi baba ♪ 507 00:19:43,899 --> 00:19:46,222 Oh, my God! I love it so much! 508 00:19:54,806 --> 00:19:57,030 I can't believe they had matching robes in their car. 509 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:01,645 They're so beautiful! 510 00:20:04,591 --> 00:20:05,669 Good job. 511 00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:07,697 You're both gonna get dog beds. 512 00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:11,952 - You're next, huh? - Shh! 513 00:20:12,051 --> 00:20:13,228 Okay. Okay. I'm just saying. 514 00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,053 Good job, kid. 515 00:20:29,739 --> 00:20:31,530 Oh, is he still crying? 516 00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:32,632 Yeah, has been for hours. 517 00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:34,066 Wow. 518 00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,414 I thought he'd cry himself to sleep, poor little guy. 519 00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:37,745 Well, has he eaten anything? 520 00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:39,071 Uh, I fed him an hour ago. 521 00:20:39,173 --> 00:20:40,940 It's amazing how one can be fine 522 00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:42,675 and the other one is so upset. 523 00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,477 You go up to bed. I'll check on him one last time. 524 00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,045 Thanks, Mom. 525 00:20:46,146 --> 00:20:49,749 There's my big, brave boy. 526 00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,618 - Sherry booked a toothpaste commercial. - Uh-huh. 527 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,587 I'm going to have to see that beautiful smile 528 00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:55,855 all the time! 529 00:20:55,956 --> 00:20:57,156 Mm. 530 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,558 There, there. Let it out. 531 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,712 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 38078

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