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- _
- Speech! Speech!
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00:00:03,242 --> 00:00:04,441
- Okay, okay, okay. Settle down.
- _
3
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Um...
4
00:00:05,811 --> 00:00:07,311
It's hard to believe I'm 50.
5
00:00:07,413 --> 00:00:09,713
A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.
6
00:00:09,782 --> 00:00:11,248
What's he been the last 10 years?
7
00:00:11,350 --> 00:00:13,383
Delusional.
He thinks he's a millennial, like us.
8
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I've thought a lot about what's next.
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- 51.
- Thank you, buddy.
10
00:00:17,456 --> 00:00:19,823
And it's important
that I continue to grow
11
00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:22,826
and that I stay mentally challenged.
12
00:00:22,895 --> 00:00:25,629
Which is why I am starting...
13
00:00:25,731 --> 00:00:27,064
piano lessons,
14
00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:28,432
so that by next year's birthday,
15
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,801
I'll be good enough
to perform in public.
16
00:00:30,903 --> 00:00:32,603
Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
17
00:00:32,705 --> 00:00:35,439
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.
18
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Excelente!
19
00:00:37,143 --> 00:00:39,576
Uh, I... I haven't started yet.
20
00:00:39,645 --> 00:00:41,411
Um, and finally, um...
21
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,481
and I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,
22
00:00:44,550 --> 00:00:45,783
but...
23
00:00:46,015 --> 00:00:48,719
I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!
24
00:00:49,889 --> 00:00:52,389
Phil, you forgot to open
one of your gifts.
25
00:00:52,458 --> 00:00:53,467
Ooh!
26
00:00:53,559 --> 00:00:56,527
This one,
Jay picked it up for you himself.
27
00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:58,595
- He did?
- Hey, Dad.
28
00:00:58,664 --> 00:00:59,930
So, what's going on with that hat?
29
00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:02,332
Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take
30
00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:03,734
when we go to these things,
31
00:01:03,803 --> 00:01:05,369
so I'm searching for the right hat
32
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that makes me look like I'm having fun.
33
00:01:07,339 --> 00:01:09,139
Or you could just smile more.
34
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- Eh.
- Wow!
35
00:01:11,477 --> 00:01:13,064
"The Sommelier's Guide
36
00:01:13,076 --> 00:01:14,875
- "to the Wines of France."
- Ooh!
37
00:01:14,914 --> 00:01:17,247
- I love it so much.
- Nice!
38
00:01:17,349 --> 00:01:19,316
Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.
39
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"May you continue to age
40
00:01:22,121 --> 00:01:24,755
as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."
41
00:01:25,525 --> 00:01:28,192
"Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."
42
00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:31,795
- Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
- Dad!
43
00:01:31,897 --> 00:01:33,997
- I didn't know he wrote in it.
- Because you didn't open it.
44
00:01:34,066 --> 00:01:35,465
So now I feel like a jerk.
45
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How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.
46
00:01:37,676 --> 00:01:42,768
_
47
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A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.
48
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I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift...
49
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a box set of DVDs of all
the Dean Martin Roasts.
50
00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:06,763
I was so moved by the romantic gesture
51
00:02:06,866 --> 00:02:08,365
that for Jay's birthday,
52
00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:11,835
I invited a bunch of
people over to insult him.
53
00:02:13,572 --> 00:02:15,138
So, my ex-wife and I,
54
00:02:15,241 --> 00:02:17,641
we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.
55
00:02:17,743 --> 00:02:19,509
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,
56
00:02:19,612 --> 00:02:22,179
"Whoa, look at all that skin."
57
00:02:22,281 --> 00:02:24,081
And I said, "Baby, come on."
58
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"What's wrong with that?
59
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She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."
60
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,220
She said, "Oh,
I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."
61
00:02:35,194 --> 00:02:37,661
Jay is so not Latin
62
00:02:37,763 --> 00:02:39,997
that every time that he dances,
63
00:02:40,099 --> 00:02:42,432
people point him to the bathroom.
64
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He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.
65
00:02:46,438 --> 00:02:49,673
But seriously, I love the whites.
66
00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:52,209
No, but seriously,
Jay is quite the environmentalist.
67
00:02:52,311 --> 00:02:54,811
Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine...
68
00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:56,680
a wonderful book about wine.
69
00:03:00,286 --> 00:03:02,152
I-I don't want to say my father is old,
70
00:03:02,254 --> 00:03:05,455
but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.
71
00:03:07,726 --> 00:03:09,726
My dad is old.
72
00:03:09,828 --> 00:03:11,728
How old is he?
73
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He's so old that when
he started using it,
74
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,732
it was called Preparation G.
75
00:03:18,237 --> 00:03:19,303
Enough!
76
00:03:19,405 --> 00:03:20,837
This is terrible!
77
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:23,941
I don't know why any of you
people think this is funny!
78
00:03:24,043 --> 00:03:28,111
You may think these are jokes,
but it's way too real.
79
00:03:28,213 --> 00:03:31,882
We need to respect Grandpa
instead of cutting him down.
80
00:03:31,984 --> 00:03:35,385
None of us really knows
how much time he has left.
81
00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:37,554
Do you really want these to
be the last words he hears?
82
00:03:37,656 --> 00:03:39,623
Well, now I feel like hell.
83
00:03:39,725 --> 00:03:42,125
And that's how you roast! Bam!
84
00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:48,065
I don't understand why
adults make such a big deal
85
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,232
about their birthdays.
86
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,168
So this year, I asked for nothing.
87
00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:54,004
No party, no fuss.
88
00:03:54,106 --> 00:03:56,073
Just a quiet night by myself,
89
00:03:56,175 --> 00:03:58,709
with my thoughts, all alone.
90
00:04:00,913 --> 00:04:01,978
Okay.
91
00:04:01,981 --> 00:04:04,448
Just as I had hoped,
Mitchell is miserable.
92
00:04:04,550 --> 00:04:05,716
He said he didn't want a party,
93
00:04:05,818 --> 00:04:07,951
but it's like when you write
"No gifts" on an invitation
94
00:04:08,053 --> 00:04:09,586
but you secretly want
everyone to bring something
95
00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:10,720
big and expensive, Jotham.
96
00:04:10,723 --> 00:04:12,689
I made a heartfelt toast at your party.
97
00:04:12,791 --> 00:04:14,958
Yes, and those 12 words
were just as generous
98
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:17,461
as the actual physical
gifts everyone else brought.
99
00:04:17,563 --> 00:04:19,196
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
100
00:04:19,298 --> 00:04:21,832
When you hear me say
"Mitchell, you're not alone,"
101
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:24,368
that's when you come in
and you yell "Surprise."
102
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,836
We know what to say.
103
00:04:25,938 --> 00:04:27,550
Mm. Do you?
104
00:04:29,141 --> 00:04:30,340
Hey!
105
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- How you doing? Okay?
- Yeah.
106
00:04:32,878 --> 00:04:35,045
Now do you see what it's like
to spend your birthday alone?
107
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I do. And it's...
108
00:04:36,982 --> 00:04:38,048
- Yeah.
- ...amazing.
109
00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:39,816
- What?
- Cam, thank you. Thank you.
110
00:04:39,918 --> 00:04:42,652
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted
111
00:04:42,755 --> 00:04:44,855
instead of what you
thought I should want.
112
00:04:44,957 --> 00:04:47,024
Honey, this is the best
birthday present ever.
113
00:04:47,126 --> 00:04:49,026
- It is?
- Yes!
114
00:04:49,128 --> 00:04:50,827
Oh, and you've...
you've got to be relieved, too.
115
00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:52,596
I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,
116
00:04:52,698 --> 00:04:54,297
they leave and you spend
the rest of the night
117
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,366
complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.
118
00:04:56,468 --> 00:04:58,301
I don't know what you're talking about!
119
00:04:58,404 --> 00:05:01,304
Oh, please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.
120
00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:02,706
That doesn't sound like me!
121
00:05:02,808 --> 00:05:04,775
Antonio's weave is falling apart.
122
00:05:04,877 --> 00:05:06,476
Vincent's a sloppy drunk.
123
00:05:06,578 --> 00:05:07,944
Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling
124
00:05:08,047 --> 00:05:09,713
his one Bernadette Peters story.
125
00:05:10,307 --> 00:05:11,982
You're the sloppy drunk!
126
00:05:13,152 --> 00:05:14,584
Surprise!
127
00:05:16,922 --> 00:05:18,455
Here's a thing I realized...
128
00:05:18,557 --> 00:05:21,425
You can't get older if
you never have birthdays.
129
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,266
♪ Happy birth... ♪
130
00:05:32,237 --> 00:05:34,671
- What'd I tell you?
- I thought this would be the year.
131
00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:36,506
I told my family I just
wanted my birthday
132
00:05:36,575 --> 00:05:38,575
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,
133
00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:40,410
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,
134
00:05:40,479 --> 00:05:42,012
and I knew they'd get all suspicious
135
00:05:42,081 --> 00:05:43,113
about why I wasn't drinking.
136
00:05:43,182 --> 00:05:44,381
What was I going to say?
137
00:05:44,450 --> 00:05:45,816
"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?
138
00:05:47,019 --> 00:05:48,785
There's no way they'd believe that.
139
00:05:50,055 --> 00:05:51,321
Here. I got you a present.
140
00:05:51,423 --> 00:05:52,823
Ooh! Thank you!
141
00:05:54,293 --> 00:05:55,525
Get out!
142
00:05:55,627 --> 00:05:56,893
Gucci baby sneakers!
143
00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:00,297
They're adorable.
144
00:06:00,399 --> 00:06:02,365
Our baby's gonna be so hot.
145
00:06:02,434 --> 00:06:03,633
Personally, I think it's weird
146
00:06:03,735 --> 00:06:05,502
that there are shoes for
someone who can't walk.
147
00:06:05,604 --> 00:06:09,306
But you know what, Haley?
I love that we're pregnannnt...
148
00:06:10,275 --> 00:06:12,309
- Hello!
- Hi!
149
00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:13,543
What are you guys doing here?
150
00:06:13,645 --> 00:06:14,878
At the restaurant? We got a...
151
00:06:14,947 --> 00:06:16,213
- We got a Groupon, but we...
- Us too.
152
00:06:16,315 --> 00:06:17,948
Yeah, we j...
we just saw that you were over here.
153
00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:19,716
- Wanted to say happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
154
00:06:19,785 --> 00:06:21,051
Didn't mean to overhear.
155
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,152
You didn't overhear anything.
156
00:06:22,154 --> 00:06:23,653
We were talking about a TV show.
157
00:06:23,755 --> 00:06:24,921
Oh, well, then, what's... what's up
158
00:06:25,023 --> 00:06:26,156
with these little baby shoes, then?
159
00:06:26,225 --> 00:06:27,791
These are... These are not baby shoes.
160
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:29,025
- Oh.
- No, they're, um...
161
00:06:29,128 --> 00:06:30,560
We are starting a business
162
00:06:30,629 --> 00:06:34,131
for people who cannot afford
full-size designer wear.
163
00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:37,300
Oh. Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I...
164
00:06:37,402 --> 00:06:38,635
Okay.
165
00:06:39,605 --> 00:06:41,138
- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
166
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,272
That's exciting!
167
00:06:42,374 --> 00:06:44,207
- Is it?
- We think so.
168
00:06:44,309 --> 00:06:45,675
But we have not told my parents yet,
169
00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:47,210
so please don't say anything.
170
00:06:47,312 --> 00:06:49,613
Oh, honey,
I could keep your secret forever,
171
00:06:49,715 --> 00:06:51,581
but just so you know, he can't.
172
00:06:51,683 --> 00:06:52,716
Yeah, I'm weak.
173
00:06:52,718 --> 00:06:54,417
Yeah, you got maybe three,
four days tops.
174
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:55,919
- What?
- Yeah.
175
00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:58,021
Oh. Okay.
Well, these were from us, but...
176
00:06:58,123 --> 00:06:59,356
Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.
177
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:01,291
Okay, there you go. See?
178
00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:02,492
Now, you listen to me.
179
00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:03,760
My roller-coastering hormones
180
00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:05,729
cannot handle another lecture
from my mother right now,
181
00:07:05,831 --> 00:07:07,063
so you are going to tell me a secret
182
00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:11,067
that I will reveal to everyone
if you ever spill mine!
183
00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:12,769
- Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.
- Mm?
184
00:07:12,871 --> 00:07:14,771
Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,
185
00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:17,007
he puts the makeup everywhere.
186
00:07:17,109 --> 00:07:18,742
- Mm. You're the best.
- Mm-hmm.
187
00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:21,373
Because of the whole 21 thing,
188
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,644
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.
189
00:07:23,679 --> 00:07:26,373
But it's all I've been thinking about
190
00:07:26,408 --> 00:07:28,093
for the last three years.
191
00:07:30,323 --> 00:07:31,416
Hey.
192
00:07:31,571 --> 00:07:33,304
Three years ago, I came in here,
193
00:07:33,339 --> 00:07:35,894
and when I saw you, I fell in love.
194
00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:37,556
The kind of love that
punches you in the gut
195
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:39,658
and makes you wanna be a better man.
196
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,161
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.
197
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,897
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."
198
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,232
Well... check it out.
199
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:48,901
Oh! Happy birthday!
200
00:07:49,377 --> 00:07:50,569
But now I don't date men.
201
00:07:50,936 --> 00:07:52,003
Oh.
202
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,742
Well... looks like
I've got a decision to make.
203
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,945
On my birthday this year,
204
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,781
I really got a sense of
what people think of me.
205
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,083
Which is...
206
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,417
so great.
207
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:06,886
This is from me and the boys.
208
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,421
Gloria got you her own gift.
209
00:08:09,150 --> 00:08:11,490
Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
210
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:12,658
I did that.
211
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,360
It's a lost art in this modern age
212
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:16,962
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.
213
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,664
Papi, just be normal.
214
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,966
Let's see. It is, uh...
215
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,568
some kind of silk pillow?
216
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:23,669
Well, it's more than that.
217
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,871
See, there's a switch on the side,
218
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,574
and when you lay on it, it...
it plays ocean sounds for you.
219
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,076
You know, i-it helps you relax.
220
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,778
- Huh.
- At least it's not a re-gift.
221
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,180
- How do you live with this?
- I...
222
00:08:34,899 --> 00:08:35,982
Tell you what.
223
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,317
How about we do one more gift, and then
224
00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:39,185
- we take a break for cake and do the rest after?
- Yeah.
225
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,287
Hmm?
226
00:08:40,373 --> 00:08:42,655
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.
227
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:43,990
Mm, thank you, Dylan.
228
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,224
Although I have to say,
229
00:08:45,326 --> 00:08:48,261
you have given me enough
gifts this year already.
230
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,897
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.
231
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,055
Yeah.
232
00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:54,734
What is this?
233
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,135
It's an aromatherapy machine.
234
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,851
See, you put in oils that
are supposed to help you
235
00:08:57,852 --> 00:08:59,069
with the stress of the day.
236
00:08:59,169 --> 00:09:00,186
Oh!
237
00:09:00,257 --> 00:09:02,133
Alright, well... let's see.
238
00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:04,770
So far, I have gotten a spa day,
239
00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:06,153
three massages,
240
00:09:06,253 --> 00:09:09,119
a meditation class, an ocean pillow,
241
00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:11,458
a rage bat, and a little machine
242
00:09:11,558 --> 00:09:13,534
that's supposed to trick my
nose into calming me down.
243
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,017
Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
244
00:09:15,117 --> 00:09:16,730
You bit through your night guard.
245
00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:19,004
You're squeezing me too hard.
246
00:09:19,103 --> 00:09:21,079
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.
247
00:09:21,179 --> 00:09:23,320
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.
248
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,803
The entire family was sick.
249
00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:26,418
I was not cooking meth.
250
00:09:26,518 --> 00:09:28,822
You know what? I don't even want cake.
251
00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:30,932
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,
252
00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,315
especially on my birthday.
253
00:09:35,163 --> 00:09:38,048
Um, that's my gift. Open later.
254
00:09:39,073 --> 00:09:41,014
Manny and I share a birthday,
255
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,683
so I always do something
big to get attention.
256
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,282
Look! No hands!
257
00:09:45,287 --> 00:09:47,637
- Way to go, kid!
- Bravo, papi!
258
00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:49,647
Hey, guys! Check it out.
259
00:09:49,746 --> 00:09:51,752
Unicycling to my piano lesson.
260
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:54,190
Wow! We're so proud of you!
261
00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:55,295
Now, that's impressive.
262
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,419
Happy birthday, Joe!
263
00:09:57,519 --> 00:09:59,561
It was!
264
00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:01,242
It goes without saying
265
00:10:01,342 --> 00:10:03,185
I'm the best performer in the family.
266
00:10:03,285 --> 00:10:05,887
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show
267
00:10:05,987 --> 00:10:07,699
so they all start saying it.
268
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,314
Wait.
269
00:10:09,414 --> 00:10:10,962
It's a talent show?
I-I didn't know that.
270
00:10:11,062 --> 00:10:12,595
It said so on the invitation.
271
00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:14,322
- Mitchell?
- I only skimmed it.
272
00:10:14,422 --> 00:10:15,430
This is a disaster.
273
00:10:15,509 --> 00:10:17,255
We didn't prepare anything!
274
00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:20,583
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
275
00:10:20,683 --> 00:10:24,372
♪ In the morning ♪
276
00:10:24,472 --> 00:10:26,250
♪ No one could be sweeter
than my sweetie... ♪
277
00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:28,421
I can't believe they had
matching vests in their car.
278
00:10:28,521 --> 00:10:30,860
Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry?
279
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,517
Because the President
wants to build a wall!
280
00:10:34,616 --> 00:10:36,824
Ay, yeah, that is very sad.
281
00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:38,108
Sad for me,
282
00:10:38,208 --> 00:10:41,865
because I have no money and I am ugly.
283
00:10:41,964 --> 00:10:45,786
For you, he would let you
in because you have money
284
00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:47,763
and you have the boobs.
285
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,091
I never thought Uncle
Grumpy would go political.
286
00:10:51,191 --> 00:10:52,246
Hm. Yeah.
287
00:10:58,175 --> 00:11:00,877
I knew I wasn't ready!
288
00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:02,689
- ♪ Naah-aah ♪
- ♪ Butterflies all flutter up ♪
289
00:11:02,789 --> 00:11:04,072
- ♪ Aah-aah ♪
- ♪ And kiss each little buttercup... ♪
290
00:11:04,172 --> 00:11:05,720
Stella, walk in a circle.
291
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:07,104
Stella, sit.
292
00:11:07,204 --> 00:11:08,554
Bang!
293
00:11:08,653 --> 00:11:10,102
- Ohh.
- Ah. Close, Dad.
294
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:12,376
No, I taught her to go for the gun.
295
00:11:14,286 --> 00:11:17,481
The banjo scares me ever
since I saw that creepy film.
296
00:11:17,581 --> 00:11:18,865
Wait. What was it called, again?
297
00:11:18,964 --> 00:11:20,018
"Deliverance"?
298
00:11:20,118 --> 00:11:21,912
No... "The Muppet Movie."
299
00:11:23,248 --> 00:11:25,323
He was a three-toed tree toad,
but a two-toed toad was she.
300
00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:27,135
The three-toed tree toad tried to
win the two-toed shetoad's heart,
301
00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:28,552
for the three-toed tree
toad loved the ground
302
00:11:28,652 --> 00:11:29,903
that the two-toed tree toad trod.
303
00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:31,220
"...tree toad trod." And sent.
304
00:11:32,672 --> 00:11:33,689
- Ohh!
- Whoa! Ay!
305
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,075
Stop it!
306
00:11:35,175 --> 00:11:36,690
Fastest thumbs in the West!
307
00:11:38,438 --> 00:11:41,929
♪ If I had Aladdin's
lamp for only a day ♪
308
00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:45,916
♪ I would make a wish,
and here's what I'd say ♪
309
00:11:46,016 --> 00:11:48,980
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
310
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,934
♪ In the mooorniiing ♪
311
00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:54,977
As you all know, Sherry and I met
312
00:11:55,077 --> 00:11:57,646
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.
313
00:11:57,746 --> 00:12:00,381
So, we're at a romantic restaurant.
314
00:12:00,481 --> 00:12:01,666
Okay.
315
00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:06,114
That dinner was delicious.
316
00:12:06,214 --> 00:12:08,256
I can't believe you chose this place.
317
00:12:08,356 --> 00:12:10,068
The chef is my ex-boyfriend.
318
00:12:10,168 --> 00:12:11,353
The crazy one?
319
00:12:11,453 --> 00:12:13,462
Yes. He's very jealous,
320
00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:15,504
and I'm scared he did
something to your food.
321
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:16,690
Oh. Eh...
322
00:12:16,791 --> 00:12:18,206
I am feeling a little funny.
323
00:12:18,306 --> 00:12:19,722
I wish this were a little funny.
324
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,469
Ooh. Ha. Okay. Oh, boy.
325
00:12:21,568 --> 00:12:22,820
Whew!
326
00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:24,368
I-Is this room spinning? I...
327
00:12:24,468 --> 00:12:26,675
- No.
- I was afraid of that.
328
00:12:26,775 --> 00:12:28,948
Well, then I better do
this before it's too late.
329
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,551
And this part is real.
330
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,396
Sherry Shaker,
331
00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:35,209
I used to be a one-man show,
332
00:12:35,308 --> 00:12:37,844
and then you entered from stage left,
333
00:12:37,944 --> 00:12:39,492
and I fell in love.
334
00:12:39,881 --> 00:12:41,640
I want you
335
00:12:41,732 --> 00:12:43,677
to be my scene partner forever.
336
00:12:44,483 --> 00:12:47,037
Darling, let's force
our friends to sit through
337
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:49,673
the rest of our lives together.
338
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:52,705
Will you marry me?
339
00:12:52,715 --> 00:12:53,825
Oh, my God.
340
00:12:55,632 --> 00:12:56,693
Manny!
341
00:12:57,516 --> 00:12:59,360
No!
342
00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:01,436
Why would you do this?!
343
00:13:06,372 --> 00:13:08,830
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.
344
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,120
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.
345
00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:18,298
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily ♪
346
00:13:18,299 --> 00:13:22,202
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
347
00:13:22,303 --> 00:13:23,770
I still can't believe Sherry said no
348
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,272
and broke up with me.
349
00:13:25,373 --> 00:13:26,940
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.
350
00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:29,743
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.
351
00:13:29,844 --> 00:13:31,478
Whatever happened to "Yes and"?
352
00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:32,812
Jay, I've tried everything.
353
00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:35,448
Please say something to him
that will make him feel better.
354
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:36,950
Fine.
355
00:13:37,051 --> 00:13:38,785
Kid, let it go.
356
00:13:38,837 --> 00:13:40,304
It was four days ago.
357
00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:42,539
Alright, let's make a wish!
358
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,907
I wish I were dead.
359
00:13:45,009 --> 00:13:46,009
Alright.
360
00:13:46,708 --> 00:13:47,778
There we go.
361
00:13:49,481 --> 00:13:51,449
Haley and I have had this plan for years
362
00:13:51,450 --> 00:13:54,285
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.
363
00:13:54,386 --> 00:13:57,221
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.
364
00:13:58,223 --> 00:13:59,624
Technically, four.
365
00:14:02,394 --> 00:14:04,795
Lemme tell you something, Haley Dunphy.
366
00:14:04,897 --> 00:14:07,131
Do you know how much I admire you?
367
00:14:07,528 --> 00:14:10,101
Do you? So much!
368
00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:12,837
While I was working my butt off,
369
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,605
you were out there having fun!
370
00:14:14,706 --> 00:14:16,240
Not worrying about anything...
371
00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,643
not school, not work...
372
00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:20,211
not condoms.
373
00:14:20,312 --> 00:14:21,913
Look at you... all preg-a-nant.
374
00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:25,183
Maybe I should have Bill
come get me pregnant.
375
00:14:25,284 --> 00:14:26,317
Ooh.
376
00:14:26,318 --> 00:14:28,853
Then we can be pregnant together!
That would be fun!
377
00:14:28,854 --> 00:14:30,421
Where's my phone?
378
00:14:30,522 --> 00:14:32,824
I'm gonna text him to
come get me pregnant.
379
00:14:32,925 --> 00:14:34,158
You know what?
380
00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:35,886
It's 2000-something.
381
00:14:35,895 --> 00:14:37,929
I'm gonna get him pregnant!
382
00:14:38,313 --> 00:14:39,997
I miss drinking.
383
00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:42,752
Unlike some people, I love my birthday.
384
00:14:42,851 --> 00:14:44,781
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.
385
00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:49,166
Oh, yeah. Um, um...
386
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:50,998
So, um, I thought it would be fun
387
00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:52,503
if we all went around the room
388
00:14:52,602 --> 00:14:53,779
and say what we love about Cam.
389
00:14:53,879 --> 00:14:54,884
- Oh!
- Yeah.
390
00:14:54,984 --> 00:14:57,281
Well, that's out of nowhere,
but if you insist.
391
00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:58,525
Haley, why don't you go first?
392
00:14:58,624 --> 00:14:59,630
Oh, me? Okay.
393
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:01,960
Well, um... I love Uncle Cam
394
00:15:02,059 --> 00:15:04,218
because he is fun and
dresses with flair.
395
00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:05,429
Oh, my gosh.
396
00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:07,948
And, uh, I love
397
00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,519
that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy.
398
00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:11,025
- Awww!
- Ohh!
399
00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:12,226
Oh, also, I love that you guys
were the first ones
400
00:15:12,325 --> 00:15:15,141
to find out I was pregnant
and you never judged me.
401
00:15:15,434 --> 00:15:16,677
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
402
00:15:16,776 --> 00:15:18,869
I thought we all found
out at the same time.
403
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,243
Oh,... Well...
404
00:15:20,343 --> 00:15:22,043
Mitchell, you knew she was
pregnant and you didn't tell me?
405
00:15:22,142 --> 00:15:23,711
I didn't think it was my place.
406
00:15:23,811 --> 00:15:25,348
Anyway, who's next?
407
00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:26,951
"What I love about Cam is..."
408
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,111
I just wish you would
have my back just once.
409
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,205
I don't think she's been using my gift.
410
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,461
- ♪ Happy birthday to Cam, happy... ♪
- Stop. Drop it.
411
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,691
Welcome to my world.
412
00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:37,291
At my birthday,
all anyone cared about was weepy Manny
413
00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:38,600
'cause Sherry broke up with him.
414
00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:41,251
She has a boyfriend now.
415
00:15:42,076 --> 00:15:44,228
Way to go, Lily. Way to go!
416
00:15:45,604 --> 00:15:47,337
_
417
00:15:55,945 --> 00:15:57,972
How old are you?
418
00:15:58,071 --> 00:16:01,015
I turn 51 in, uh...
419
00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:02,586
this many days.
420
00:16:02,685 --> 00:16:03,895
Ugh.
421
00:16:03,995 --> 00:16:06,251
My dad had a midlife crisis, too.
422
00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:07,887
I have a hamster at his condo.
423
00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:09,818
No. N-No midlife crisis.
424
00:16:09,917 --> 00:16:12,175
I just think you're...
you're never too old to learn.
425
00:16:13,877 --> 00:16:15,578
Just stay away from my mom.
426
00:16:15,677 --> 00:16:17,410
She has a thing for losers.
427
00:16:20,454 --> 00:16:22,711
Are you okay?
Should we take you to the hospital?
428
00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,739
Yeah, the contractions are
getting closer together.
429
00:16:24,838 --> 00:16:26,474
No. Dad is next.
430
00:16:26,573 --> 00:16:28,568
I can hold it for a few minutes, okay?
431
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:30,206
I don't want to screw this up for him.
432
00:16:35,605 --> 00:16:38,549
Yikes. Hate to follow that.
433
00:16:38,648 --> 00:16:40,414
What are you gonna dazzle us with?
434
00:16:40,513 --> 00:16:41,690
"Fur Elise."
435
00:16:41,789 --> 00:16:44,243
In which key... "B" obvious?
436
00:16:44,342 --> 00:16:47,973
Next up,
the only student of mine who shaves.
437
00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:50,067
Phillip Dunphy.
438
00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:57,760
Um...
439
00:16:59,361 --> 00:17:01,945
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things
440
00:17:02,044 --> 00:17:03,745
to take me out of my comfort zone
441
00:17:03,844 --> 00:17:06,101
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family
442
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,785
- for being my biggest cheerleaders.
- Oooooaaaaaah!
443
00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:10,171
I love you, too, honey.
444
00:17:10,183 --> 00:17:11,409
No, Haley's going into labor!
445
00:17:11,410 --> 00:17:12,710
We've got to get her
to the hospital, honey!
446
00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:13,921
- Oh!
- I tried to hold it! I'm sorry, Dad!
447
00:17:14,022 --> 00:17:15,885
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everyone!
448
00:17:15,985 --> 00:17:17,620
Convenient.
449
00:17:31,962 --> 00:17:33,382
Yes! Great! Come on!
450
00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:34,759
Great work, honey.
451
00:17:34,794 --> 00:17:36,182
Tell your mom I say hi.
452
00:17:40,633 --> 00:17:42,890
- Dylan!
- Is everything okay?
453
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,147
No.
454
00:17:46,588 --> 00:17:48,027
Everything's amazing.
455
00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:49,729
Why would you say it that way?
456
00:17:49,828 --> 00:17:51,103
Haley's fine.
457
00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:52,608
She was so brave.
458
00:17:52,707 --> 00:17:54,408
And the babies are great!
459
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,143
I can't wait to see them!
460
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,647
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.
461
00:17:57,747 --> 00:17:58,858
I'm gonna go get them now.
462
00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:01,247
Wait, wait. What about the sex?
463
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:03,145
Doctor says not for six weeks.
464
00:18:06,393 --> 00:18:07,530
Is this the Dunphy suite?
465
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,868
Oh, how's the mommy?
466
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:13,126
Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.
467
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,225
How you doing, kiddo?
468
00:18:14,304 --> 00:18:16,333
A little tired. I overdid it last night.
469
00:18:16,432 --> 00:18:18,524
I don't think he was
talking to you, buddy.
470
00:18:18,623 --> 00:18:19,834
It's overwhelming.
471
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,371
Just feeling so many different emotions.
472
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:23,270
I'm also doing great.
473
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,560
I have a son and a daughter,
474
00:18:25,659 --> 00:18:27,557
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.
475
00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:30,142
- Aww!
- Oh, what are their names?
476
00:18:30,241 --> 00:18:33,087
We're gonna put a pin in that
until the drugs wear off.
477
00:18:33,186 --> 00:18:36,555
Nobody needs grandchildren
named Pixar and Coachella.
478
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:38,944
- Ooh.
- Phil, this is for you.
479
00:18:39,043 --> 00:18:41,823
It's a... little early birthday present.
480
00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:44,867
And I admit, this one is a re-gift.
481
00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:49,536
"World's Best Grandfather."
482
00:18:49,565 --> 00:18:51,542
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.
483
00:18:51,641 --> 00:18:52,819
You kept it all these years.
484
00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:55,142
Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now.
485
00:18:55,241 --> 00:18:57,334
I don't need it anymore.
I got a new title.
486
00:18:58,316 --> 00:18:59,788
"Great grandma"?
487
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,112
Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one.
488
00:19:02,211 --> 00:19:03,486
Here.
489
00:19:03,585 --> 00:19:05,547
- I'm going to count to three.
- Yeah.
490
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:07,282
Hey, how was your recital, Phil?
491
00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,918
Oh, I messed it all up for him.
492
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,292
Sorry about that, Dad.
493
00:19:10,392 --> 00:19:12,746
I-I know that was your
big goal for the year.
494
00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:14,742
I have a better one now.
495
00:19:14,841 --> 00:19:16,837
Mi ano fue hermoso.
496
00:19:16,884 --> 00:19:18,996
- Mm.
- My year was beautiful.
497
00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:20,894
"Año" means "year."
498
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,185
"Ano" means "anus."
499
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,443
Still works.
500
00:19:26,087 --> 00:19:27,537
Hey, everybody.
501
00:19:27,636 --> 00:19:29,991
Ay, where are the babies?
I want to see them.
502
00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:32,184
Thers no easy way to say this.
503
00:19:34,344 --> 00:19:36,699
Mitch and Cam have a whole
thing they want to do.
504
00:19:36,798 --> 00:19:38,630
Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.
505
00:19:38,729 --> 00:19:42,361
♪ Nants ingonyama ♪
506
00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:43,800
♪ Bagithi baba ♪
507
00:19:43,899 --> 00:19:46,222
Oh, my God! I love it so much!
508
00:19:54,806 --> 00:19:57,030
I can't believe they had
matching robes in their car.
509
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:01,645
They're so beautiful!
510
00:20:04,591 --> 00:20:05,669
Good job.
511
00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:07,697
You're both gonna get dog beds.
512
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:11,952
- You're next, huh?
- Shh!
513
00:20:12,051 --> 00:20:13,228
Okay. Okay. I'm just saying.
514
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,053
Good job, kid.
515
00:20:29,739 --> 00:20:31,530
Oh, is he still crying?
516
00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:32,632
Yeah, has been for hours.
517
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:34,066
Wow.
518
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,414
I thought he'd cry himself to sleep,
poor little guy.
519
00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:37,745
Well, has he eaten anything?
520
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:39,071
Uh, I fed him an hour ago.
521
00:20:39,173 --> 00:20:40,940
It's amazing how one can be fine
522
00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:42,675
and the other one is so upset.
523
00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,477
You go up to bed.
I'll check on him one last time.
524
00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,045
Thanks, Mom.
525
00:20:46,146 --> 00:20:49,749
There's my big, brave boy.
526
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,618
- Sherry booked a toothpaste commercial.
- Uh-huh.
527
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,587
I'm going to have to
see that beautiful smile
528
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:55,855
all the time!
529
00:20:55,956 --> 00:20:57,156
Mm.
530
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,558
There, there. Let it out.
531
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,712
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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