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1
00:00:01,589 --> 00:00:03,128
- I know she's had a perm.
2
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,646
I mean, who is she trying to kid?
3
00:00:04,646 --> 00:00:07,468
- I can't believe Big Tom
has broken down on our road.
4
00:00:07,468 --> 00:00:08,458
What am I going to say to him?
5
00:00:08,458 --> 00:00:09,776
- Sure I played camogie with her.
6
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:10,609
We'd be in the dressing room and
7
00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:11,790
I sure had a look down there and it's
8
00:00:11,790 --> 00:00:14,544
straight as a die,
Eamon, straight as a die.
9
00:00:14,544 --> 00:00:16,054
- Hold on!
10
00:00:16,054 --> 00:00:17,992
We're back to where we started.
11
00:00:17,992 --> 00:00:18,825
- I know!
12
00:00:20,143 --> 00:00:21,572
- Where's Big Tom?
13
00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,331
- I just said that to
get you out of the house.
14
00:00:23,331 --> 00:00:24,467
You see, I was watching Live At Three
15
00:00:24,467 --> 00:00:27,730
and Thelma Mansfield said
exercise is very important.
16
00:00:27,730 --> 00:00:28,861
Aw, it's fierce important,
17
00:00:28,861 --> 00:00:30,320
especially for men, Eamon.
18
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,530
- I'm after spending half an hour with
19
00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:33,123
you for no reason!
20
00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,819
- It's called a walk, Eamon, and
21
00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,814
everyone in Dublin is doing it.
22
00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:38,784
Thelma Mansfield, she said that...
23
00:00:38,784 --> 00:00:39,617
Hang on.
24
00:00:40,557 --> 00:00:41,390
Eamon...
25
00:00:43,548 --> 00:00:45,215
You're going to have to
run back to the house.
26
00:00:45,215 --> 00:00:46,840
- I'm not running for no reason, Bridget.
27
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:47,673
I'm not a drug dealer.
28
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:48,889
- Eamon, I've no cigarettes!
29
00:00:48,889 --> 00:00:50,197
Will you go back to the house!
30
00:00:50,197 --> 00:00:51,450
- Will you calm down!
31
00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:52,999
- I am bloody calm!
32
00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:53,833
- Check your pockets.
33
00:00:53,833 --> 00:00:54,922
- I have checked my pockets!
- Check your pockets!
34
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,697
- Aw no, here's one, I found it.
35
00:00:57,697 --> 00:00:59,102
Do you know what, Eamon?
36
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,562
I feel healthier already!
37
00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:02,285
Do you?
- Go get the car.
38
00:01:02,285 --> 00:01:04,952
- What?
- Go get the car, go on.
39
00:01:06,589 --> 00:01:08,089
Run, Bridget, Run!
40
00:01:08,966 --> 00:01:11,968
A walk, Jesus Christ, what
will they think of next?
41
00:01:39,175 --> 00:01:41,300
- Hello?
- It's me again.
42
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,967
I want it done, it has to be tomorrow.
43
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:45,298
- Okay, see ya tomorrow.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait--
44
00:01:52,111 --> 00:01:53,790
- Eamon, I need to ask you a question.
45
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:55,475
It's been playing on my mind all night.
46
00:01:55,475 --> 00:01:57,680
Now, I know we got married very young
47
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,193
and I know the six to eight children
48
00:01:59,193 --> 00:02:01,816
have destroyed my body, and yours.
49
00:02:01,816 --> 00:02:03,669
I know we're not Italian, but do you
50
00:02:03,669 --> 00:02:06,132
still find me attractive in that way?
51
00:02:06,132 --> 00:02:09,465
- Bridget, how do we make toast?
52
00:02:19,231 --> 00:02:22,064
- And the toast comes out like so!
53
00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:27,611
- The man is coming this morning.
54
00:02:27,611 --> 00:02:29,020
- It can't be this morning!
55
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:30,699
I'm not ready.
56
00:02:30,699 --> 00:02:34,120
- It has to be, I'll never
get this chance again.
57
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,839
- Will the neighbors know?
58
00:02:35,839 --> 00:02:37,764
- Of course, sure he has
to erect his equipment.
59
00:02:37,764 --> 00:02:38,805
- Where?
60
00:02:38,805 --> 00:02:39,696
- What do you mean where?
61
00:02:39,696 --> 00:02:40,554
Up on the roof!
62
00:02:40,554 --> 00:02:41,387
He puts the aerial up on the roof,
63
00:02:41,387 --> 00:02:42,788
runs a wire down from the aerial,
64
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:43,851
sticks it in the back of the telly
65
00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:47,929
and then we have BBC1,
BBC2, UTV and the other one.
66
00:02:47,929 --> 00:02:50,002
- What other one?
67
00:02:50,835 --> 00:02:51,799
- Channel Four!
68
00:02:51,799 --> 00:02:53,568
- Why don't you tell
the whole road, Bridget!
69
00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:54,783
- No, Eamon, no!
70
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:57,560
No, because Maureen Clancy,
her sister lives in England
71
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,630
and she said there was a willy on it
72
00:02:58,630 --> 00:02:59,954
last week for no reason!
73
00:02:59,954 --> 00:03:00,930
- So wasn't there a willy on the
74
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,115
Late Late Show last week?
75
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,311
- That was different, that was flacid.
76
00:03:04,311 --> 00:03:05,799
This one was fully...
77
00:03:05,799 --> 00:03:06,853
- Oh, that's lovely!
78
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,308
Is that what yourself
and Maureen do be talking
79
00:03:08,308 --> 00:03:10,618
about on the phone, rigid willies?
80
00:03:10,618 --> 00:03:12,487
You've little to be going on about.
81
00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:13,737
- Eamon, what if we're caught?
82
00:03:13,737 --> 00:03:14,896
- We don't even have a--
83
00:03:14,896 --> 00:03:15,953
- Don't say that word!
84
00:03:15,953 --> 00:03:16,786
- But we don't have a--
85
00:03:16,786 --> 00:03:17,700
- Bridget!
86
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:19,012
- A license.
87
00:03:19,012 --> 00:03:23,432
- I told you to never mention
that word in this house ever!
88
00:03:23,432 --> 00:03:24,649
- But Eamon, what if we're caught?
89
00:03:24,649 --> 00:03:26,385
Cait Lawless was caught last year
90
00:03:26,385 --> 00:03:29,939
and she went to prison and
now she has a girlfriend!
91
00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,041
- It's him.
92
00:03:35,631 --> 00:03:38,244
- They say the weather in
Moscow is fine at night.
93
00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:40,886
- But in Paris it rains all day.
94
00:03:40,886 --> 00:03:42,469
- Okay, okay, okay.
95
00:03:43,415 --> 00:03:46,355
There are no Guards or TV license
96
00:03:46,355 --> 00:03:49,953
inspectors in these parts, are there?
97
00:03:49,953 --> 00:03:51,201
- No.
98
00:03:51,201 --> 00:03:53,716
- Let operations begin!
99
00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:57,231
Here, you wouldn't whip that
up for us there, would you?
100
00:03:57,231 --> 00:03:58,989
Till it's nice and solid.
101
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:02,322
I like to be able to eat it with a fork.
102
00:04:03,487 --> 00:04:04,987
- Oh, he's lovely!
103
00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:09,158
- Are you going to need the ladder?
104
00:04:09,158 --> 00:04:12,528
- Where I'm going I don't need ladders!
105
00:04:12,528 --> 00:04:14,607
- Are you not putting the
aerial up on the roof?
106
00:04:14,607 --> 00:04:16,079
- Who said anything about the roof?
107
00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:17,039
- Well, I presumed.
108
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,207
- You presumed!
109
00:04:18,207 --> 00:04:19,637
Tell me this, have you ever stared
110
00:04:19,637 --> 00:04:22,129
into the cold dark eyes of a TV inspector
111
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,360
while hanging from your middle
112
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,009
finger that's dislocated off an
113
00:04:25,009 --> 00:04:27,831
asbestos roof, sweating bullets,
114
00:04:27,831 --> 00:04:29,406
just so a 34-year-old man, who's
115
00:04:29,406 --> 00:04:30,644
about to give up on the simple
116
00:04:30,644 --> 00:04:32,238
pleasure of life itself,
117
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:34,812
could watch the snooker on BBC2?
118
00:04:34,812 --> 00:04:35,645
- No.
119
00:04:35,645 --> 00:04:36,773
- And tell me this, have you ever
120
00:04:36,773 --> 00:04:38,040
stared into God's eyes
121
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,274
while lightning was
striking down on your skull
122
00:04:40,274 --> 00:04:41,678
as you're bending your neck through
123
00:04:41,678 --> 00:04:43,345
a badly ventilated window
124
00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:45,788
just to get the aerial position right,
125
00:04:45,788 --> 00:04:47,928
just so a family of four can watch
126
00:04:47,928 --> 00:04:50,006
UTV on a Saturday night?
127
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,299
- No.
128
00:04:52,132 --> 00:04:52,965
- And tell me this, have you ever
129
00:04:52,965 --> 00:04:54,855
screamed into the dark sky,
130
00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,051
wondering about the very--
131
00:04:56,051 --> 00:04:57,847
- Do you want the ladder, yes or no!
132
00:04:57,847 --> 00:04:59,096
- Oh yeah, I'll need a ladder.
133
00:04:59,096 --> 00:05:01,744
- Now, here's your Angel Delight and
134
00:05:01,744 --> 00:05:03,580
it's whipped and not stirred.
135
00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:05,160
- Oh no, this is for you.
136
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,331
- Oh!
137
00:05:06,331 --> 00:05:07,664
- Eat it for me.
138
00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:14,316
- Stop, Bridget!
139
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,680
Get up on the roof!
140
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,096
- Hang on, we're alright here, man.
141
00:05:18,096 --> 00:05:19,778
As they say on the Burrow, she's got
142
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,758
the mouth for the Angel's
Delight, you know?
143
00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:23,946
- He's a weirdo.
144
00:05:23,946 --> 00:05:25,528
- I like him.
145
00:05:25,528 --> 00:05:27,627
Now, did you tell him not
to put on that Channel Four?
146
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,400
I don't want that filth in this house.
147
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,817
- Of course I did
148
00:05:31,816 --> 00:05:32,649
n't.
149
00:05:38,431 --> 00:05:40,052
You didn't tell anyone, did you?
150
00:05:40,052 --> 00:05:43,361
- Eamon, you have to give me
some credit, I've told no-one.
151
00:05:43,361 --> 00:05:46,096
- Swear on your dead mother's soul.
152
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,995
- For the last time,
my mother is not dead.
153
00:05:48,995 --> 00:05:51,327
- Well, that's just
typical of her, isn't it!
154
00:05:51,327 --> 00:05:52,344
I want to watch that in peace.
155
00:05:52,344 --> 00:05:53,863
I don't want half the town round here.
156
00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:55,100
- I've told no-one!
157
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:02,762
- This humble cable is
about to change your lives.
158
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:03,793
- Will you just stick it in!
159
00:06:03,793 --> 00:06:06,106
- This needs to be savored, mate.
160
00:06:06,106 --> 00:06:07,525
This isn't some slide-it-in in the
161
00:06:07,525 --> 00:06:11,163
back of a Hiace after a
Stockton's Wing concert.
162
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:14,112
Here, you wouldn't whip up that for
163
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:16,145
me there, my lovely lady, would you?
164
00:06:16,145 --> 00:06:17,731
You could even spread a bit around
165
00:06:17,731 --> 00:06:19,335
there, if you wanted to.
166
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,238
- If you don't stick that cable in
167
00:06:21,238 --> 00:06:23,118
right now, I will ram it up your--
168
00:06:23,118 --> 00:06:25,184
- Okay, okay, okay!
169
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:27,534
It's alright, I'm just saying,
as we'd say in the Burrow,
170
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:30,867
she could make some cash from the smash!
171
00:06:34,797 --> 00:06:36,999
You are channel people now!
172
00:06:42,557 --> 00:06:44,212
- Aw for, sake!
173
00:06:44,212 --> 00:06:46,591
- Oh, come in, I have some voulez-vous
174
00:06:46,591 --> 00:06:48,910
and some mint viscounts on the table.
175
00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:50,528
- I knew you couldn't
keep your mouth shut!
176
00:06:50,528 --> 00:06:52,219
- It's not my fault that the 40-or-so
177
00:06:52,219 --> 00:06:54,329
people I told couldn't
keep their mouth shut!
178
00:06:54,329 --> 00:06:56,175
They're lucky I had a few
bits in for the party.
179
00:06:56,175 --> 00:06:57,008
- What do you mean party?
180
00:06:57,008 --> 00:06:58,811
What party are you going on about?
181
00:06:58,811 --> 00:07:00,603
- A channels party, huh?
182
00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,242
All the rage in Dublin!
183
00:07:02,242 --> 00:07:03,075
- What?
184
00:07:03,075 --> 00:07:05,546
- Come here, did you get the dirty one?
185
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:06,479
- What are you on about?
186
00:07:06,479 --> 00:07:07,593
- Channel Four!
187
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,118
- I did not!
188
00:07:09,118 --> 00:07:11,235
And if I did it's coming straight off.
189
00:07:11,235 --> 00:07:12,931
It would be on there by an accident.
190
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,385
That's the only way it would have
191
00:07:14,385 --> 00:07:15,821
got on there, by an accident.
192
00:07:15,821 --> 00:07:18,399
- No, no, no, no, the
brother told me he seen a
193
00:07:18,399 --> 00:07:20,466
full-frontal of a fully erect--
194
00:07:20,466 --> 00:07:22,836
- I don't care, I don't
care, it's pure filth.
195
00:07:22,836 --> 00:07:24,185
And if it's on there, it's on there
196
00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:26,130
by an accident and it's coming off.
197
00:07:26,130 --> 00:07:28,995
- Male penis, a fully
erect male penis, Eamon.
198
00:07:28,995 --> 00:07:31,071
Up to there, massive!
199
00:07:31,071 --> 00:07:33,926
- Will everybody just stop
talking about penises?
200
00:07:33,926 --> 00:07:36,426
Are you obsessed with penises?
201
00:07:37,519 --> 00:07:38,450
- There's boobs as well.
202
00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:39,700
- I don't care!
203
00:07:40,658 --> 00:07:41,908
- This is BBC1.
204
00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:52,895
- Hello, welcome to The
Day After Today's Planet.
205
00:07:52,895 --> 00:07:55,997
I'm Martina Falcourt Prickly Coppermount
206
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:58,488
and these are called CDs.
207
00:07:58,488 --> 00:08:00,108
- Ooh!
208
00:08:00,108 --> 00:08:02,387
- And this is BBC2.
209
00:08:02,387 --> 00:08:03,570
- Keeping
up the trend with all
210
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:06,562
the latest fashions on BBC2, it's
211
00:08:06,562 --> 00:08:07,979
The Clothes Show.
212
00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:10,455
- This is UTV.
213
00:08:11,666 --> 00:08:13,499
- Now on UTV we go live
214
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:16,437
to Belfast for the main evening news.
215
00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:17,729
- Huh?
216
00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:18,963
- And that's it.
217
00:08:18,963 --> 00:08:20,601
- But what about that button, Bridget?
218
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:21,975
- Oh no, there's nothing there.
219
00:08:21,975 --> 00:08:23,742
I made sure nothing was on there.
220
00:08:23,742 --> 00:08:25,036
Sure, look!
221
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,751
- Now on Channel
Four, we explore the
222
00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:32,007
sexual influence of the Kamasutra
223
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,681
on the British ice-cream industry.
224
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:34,991
- Jesus Christ!
225
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:37,574
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
226
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:43,526
- Bridget, leave it on,
just in case there's a, a--
227
00:08:43,526 --> 00:08:44,602
- A programme about Ireland!
228
00:08:44,602 --> 00:08:46,599
- Yes, yes, yes!
229
00:08:46,599 --> 00:08:48,063
- Sure I can just put on RTE for that.
230
00:08:48,063 --> 00:08:49,980
- No, no, no, no!
231
00:08:51,352 --> 00:08:53,626
- Bridget, a lot of people have family
232
00:08:53,626 --> 00:08:56,603
in Britain and they might pop up.
233
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,922
- On the sexual nature of ice-cream?
234
00:08:58,922 --> 00:09:01,028
I can't have that filth on in my house!
235
00:09:01,028 --> 00:09:04,269
- Yeah, yeah, but it might be educational!
236
00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:06,102
- Yes, yes, yes!
237
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,997
- Two minutes!
238
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:10,627
- By placing the cold ice-cream on
239
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,062
your partner's areola...
240
00:09:12,062 --> 00:09:13,562
- Hello!
- Father!
241
00:09:15,659 --> 00:09:17,909
- What are we all watching?
242
00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:38,575
- Ooh, this looks interesting.
243
00:09:38,575 --> 00:09:40,197
A friend of mine was involved in the
244
00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:42,123
nuclear war in the 1960s.
245
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,773
- TV license inspector.
246
00:10:05,098 --> 00:10:05,931
- Eamon!
247
00:10:07,592 --> 00:10:09,318
Can I have you?
248
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:10,573
- What?
249
00:10:10,573 --> 00:10:12,566
- I've something to tell you.
250
00:10:12,566 --> 00:10:13,399
- What?
251
00:10:13,399 --> 00:10:14,413
- A quick word.
252
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:15,246
- What!
253
00:10:15,246 --> 00:10:16,413
- In the hall!
254
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,621
Eamon, we've made a terrible mistake!
255
00:10:23,621 --> 00:10:25,201
- It's not our fault that
young fella is thick.
256
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,576
Sure he's the height for
the Guards to get in!
257
00:10:26,576 --> 00:10:30,409
- No, the TV license
inspector is at the door!
258
00:10:31,821 --> 00:10:33,713
- Calm down, okay?
259
00:10:33,713 --> 00:10:35,129
The last thing we need now is to
260
00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:37,796
send the whole house into panic.
261
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:42,016
Anybody here have a television license?
262
00:11:01,889 --> 00:11:03,848
The TV license inspector is at the door.
263
00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:20,749
- Father Gabriel, surely you have one?
264
00:11:20,749 --> 00:11:23,049
- Of course I have a TV license!
265
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,059
If I didn't have a TV license,
266
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,706
I wouldn't be watching
The Angeles every day!
267
00:11:25,706 --> 00:11:26,539
It's in my jacket.
268
00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:27,427
I must have dropped it.
269
00:11:27,427 --> 00:11:28,301
It's probably in the hallway.
270
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:30,296
- Relax, Father.
271
00:11:30,296 --> 00:11:31,366
Who, in their right mind,
272
00:11:31,366 --> 00:11:33,123
has a television license?
273
00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:36,437
- Oh God, what am I going to do?
274
00:11:36,437 --> 00:11:37,349
We have to go, we have to flee,
275
00:11:37,349 --> 00:11:38,401
we have to leave right now.
276
00:11:38,401 --> 00:11:41,720
- I know him, he's the worst of them.
277
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,620
When he gets the scent of an
278
00:11:42,620 --> 00:11:46,545
unlicensed TV, he's
like a rabid rottweiler.
279
00:11:46,545 --> 00:11:48,628
He never gives up, never.
280
00:11:49,698 --> 00:11:52,306
His eyes are black and emotionless,
281
00:11:52,306 --> 00:11:55,389
like a shark when he's about to bite.
282
00:11:59,122 --> 00:11:59,955
- Hello?
283
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:06,263
- Do you remember the siege of Limerick?
284
00:12:06,263 --> 00:12:08,531
Two years we were in that house.
285
00:12:08,531 --> 00:12:10,990
Two years, there was 14 of us.
286
00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:13,661
With not a license between us.
287
00:12:13,661 --> 00:12:16,781
Suddenly there was no sign of him.
288
00:12:16,781 --> 00:12:18,222
Two weeks went past,
289
00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:20,349
then another two.
290
00:12:20,349 --> 00:12:22,531
It was all quiet.
291
00:12:22,531 --> 00:12:23,531
- Too quiet?
292
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,120
- Fairly quiet.
293
00:12:27,593 --> 00:12:29,371
And no one knows who did it.
294
00:12:29,371 --> 00:12:31,472
Someone opened the front door.
295
00:12:31,472 --> 00:12:33,574
Probably one of the pregnant women.
296
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:34,965
- Women!
297
00:12:34,965 --> 00:12:36,279
- We were out in the front garden,
298
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:37,654
the 14 of us, in groups of two
299
00:12:37,654 --> 00:12:38,847
and three hugging each other.
300
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:40,286
We thought we'd made it.
301
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:42,375
No one saw it coming.
302
00:12:42,375 --> 00:12:43,938
Suddenly he struck.
303
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:46,521
He fined us one by one, all 14.
304
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:51,062
Even the dog got done.
305
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,963
- Oh, oh, I have to go!
306
00:12:52,963 --> 00:12:54,428
Abandon house!
307
00:12:54,428 --> 00:12:56,443
Every man, woman and priest for himself!
308
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,952
- Father Gabriel!
309
00:12:57,952 --> 00:12:59,253
Snap out of it!
310
00:12:59,253 --> 00:13:02,503
Look, we can beat this, we can do this.
311
00:13:05,404 --> 00:13:06,930
But we have to be brave.
312
00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:09,305
We have to stay united.
313
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:11,972
And, most importantly, no one is
314
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:14,985
getting out of this house.
315
00:13:17,951 --> 00:13:20,190
- I've never seen Bridget so angry.
316
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:22,150
- Angry, that's nothing.
317
00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:23,334
You want to see what she did to me
318
00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:26,251
when I said I didn't fancy Johnny Logan!
319
00:13:26,251 --> 00:13:27,084
- Oh!
320
00:13:27,927 --> 00:13:29,094
- This is war!
321
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,431
I've always wanted to say that!
322
00:13:35,431 --> 00:13:38,196
But it is very important.
323
00:13:38,196 --> 00:13:39,529
- Anyone, hello?
324
00:13:43,809 --> 00:13:45,476
I'll just wait here.
325
00:13:57,846 --> 00:14:00,655
- What are you going to
do when this is over?
326
00:14:00,655 --> 00:14:04,488
- Probably spend more
time with the kids, you?
327
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:07,909
- I've always wanted to travel.
328
00:14:07,909 --> 00:14:10,628
Maybe go shopping in Naas!
329
00:14:10,628 --> 00:14:13,894
- I've heard it's a nice place to shop.
330
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:16,544
- What about you, Noreen?
331
00:14:16,544 --> 00:14:18,957
- I've always wanted to
give that heroin a taste.
332
00:14:18,957 --> 00:14:21,293
- You could probably get that in Naas!
333
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,165
We could all get the bus, bring the kids.
334
00:14:23,165 --> 00:14:25,246
Make a day of it, Dolores.
335
00:14:25,246 --> 00:14:27,416
- Buses give me terrible constipation,
336
00:14:27,416 --> 00:14:29,333
but that would be nice.
337
00:14:30,199 --> 00:14:31,797
- No-one is getting out of here,
338
00:14:31,797 --> 00:14:33,674
but as we say at three
a.m. in the chipper,
339
00:14:33,674 --> 00:14:35,996
you can make the best of a bad lot
340
00:14:35,996 --> 00:14:38,456
if you've got the Knorr-how.
341
00:14:38,456 --> 00:14:39,623
Three sachets.
342
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,564
No need to fight, ladies.
343
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,074
Look, I'm sorry it has to be you but
344
00:14:48,074 --> 00:14:49,658
someone has got to go.
345
00:14:49,658 --> 00:14:51,378
- Do you want a drop of
whiskey before you head out?
346
00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:52,802
- Oh, stop your whingeing!
347
00:14:52,802 --> 00:14:54,057
I'll take that.
348
00:14:54,057 --> 00:14:57,040
- Right, go out to the
door and tell the man
349
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,790
that Mommy and Daddy aren't here.
350
00:15:00,826 --> 00:15:01,659
Go on.
351
00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:02,742
- Go, go, go!
352
00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:07,519
Go on, go on, good lad.
353
00:15:10,764 --> 00:15:12,421
- Mommy and Daddy told me to tell you
354
00:15:12,421 --> 00:15:14,254
that they're not here.
355
00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:18,221
- That's enough, that's enough.
356
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:19,054
- Oh Jesus.
357
00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:21,637
- That's enough, that's enough.
358
00:15:24,498 --> 00:15:25,331
Fuck!
359
00:15:32,304 --> 00:15:33,721
Come on, come on!
360
00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:38,218
We're going to need a bigger child!
361
00:15:38,218 --> 00:15:39,915
- I'm going to need another cigarette!
362
00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:58,328
Oh Jesus!
363
00:15:58,328 --> 00:15:59,161
No!
364
00:16:01,015 --> 00:16:03,432
- Bridget, this is important.
365
00:16:04,401 --> 00:16:06,794
Barton, my first cousin, his
366
00:16:06,794 --> 00:16:09,044
daughter's husband's uncle,
367
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,457
what would that make him to me now?
368
00:16:12,457 --> 00:16:13,851
- Second cousin!
369
00:16:13,851 --> 00:16:16,078
- No, that can't be right.
370
00:16:16,078 --> 00:16:19,828
My first cousin's
daughter's husband's uncle.
371
00:16:21,609 --> 00:16:24,217
- No, he's your second
cousin once removed.
372
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,988
- No, no, no, no.
373
00:16:25,988 --> 00:16:28,655
My first cousin, his father's...
374
00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,314
no, his daughter's...
375
00:16:31,314 --> 00:16:32,147
- Eamon!
- What?
376
00:16:32,147 --> 00:16:32,980
- Shut up!
377
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,826
- No, Bridget, this is important.
378
00:16:34,826 --> 00:16:37,237
My first cousin Martin, his
379
00:16:37,237 --> 00:16:40,179
daughter's uncle's husband--
380
00:16:40,179 --> 00:16:43,761
- Is your first cousin's
cousin twice removed.
381
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:44,594
- No.
382
00:16:44,594 --> 00:16:46,339
He's your great-second
cousin on your side.
383
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,369
- No, he's your third nephew once removed.
384
00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:51,202
- I have it, it's you!
385
00:16:52,148 --> 00:16:53,717
You see, if you went back in time
386
00:16:53,717 --> 00:16:56,149
and had relations with your second cousin.
387
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,185
- John the Baptist was Jesus's cousin.
388
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,098
- No, it's definitely Eamon.
389
00:17:04,221 --> 00:17:07,091
- It is definitely Eamon for sure!
390
00:17:07,091 --> 00:17:07,924
- Concepta!
391
00:17:07,924 --> 00:17:08,886
How could he be me?
392
00:17:08,886 --> 00:17:11,472
He's out there, I'm in here, I'm me!
393
00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:12,539
- Do I know him?
394
00:17:12,539 --> 00:17:15,050
- Yeah, he was at our wedding.
395
00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:17,020
He has the gammy eye and the hairy neck.
396
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:20,339
He looks like he's wearing
a scarf permanently.
397
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,099
- Did he vote Fine Gael once?
398
00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:24,182
- Yeah, yeah, that's him.
399
00:17:26,289 --> 00:17:30,466
Look, Bridget, he's outside
now in his Fiat Ritmo.
400
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,906
He's got half a tank full of petrol.
401
00:17:32,906 --> 00:17:35,433
He's going to bring you to Leitrim, okay?
402
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:36,689
And you'll be safe there.
403
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,022
- Leitrim, safe?
404
00:17:39,415 --> 00:17:40,915
- Bridget, please.
405
00:17:42,742 --> 00:17:44,629
- I'm not leaving, Eamon.
406
00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:47,114
You can't get rid of me that easily.
407
00:17:47,114 --> 00:17:50,447
It'll be grand once the messages arrive.
408
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,970
- The messages aren't coming.
409
00:17:54,970 --> 00:17:56,270
- They are.
410
00:17:56,270 --> 00:17:57,910
I sent the three girls for them, Eamon.
411
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,933
They're coming.
412
00:17:59,933 --> 00:18:02,020
- The three girls barely
made it down the driveway.
413
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:03,353
The inspector...
414
00:18:04,873 --> 00:18:07,574
- The messages will come.
415
00:18:07,574 --> 00:18:09,741
The girls will bring them!
416
00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:12,491
- The girls are gone.
417
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:14,702
The eldest is dead, Bridget!
418
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:15,535
- Is she not just out there in the
419
00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:17,704
back of the inspector's car?
420
00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:19,832
- She's as good as dead.
421
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:20,665
- Okay.
422
00:18:21,854 --> 00:18:23,937
- Eamon, I'm not leaving.
423
00:18:25,186 --> 00:18:27,188
You can find me a fag around this house.
424
00:18:27,188 --> 00:18:29,216
You just need to go and have a look.
425
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:32,445
- Bridget, listen to me, please.
426
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,300
Go with my cousin to Leitrim.
427
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,614
You can stop in a petrol station
428
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,090
along the way and buy as
many fags as you want.
429
00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:39,007
Please!
430
00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:41,235
- No, Eamon, it's okay.
431
00:18:41,235 --> 00:18:44,303
I'm not going, I'm staying.
432
00:18:44,303 --> 00:18:47,328
You go find me a fag, go, go, go.
433
00:18:47,328 --> 00:18:49,136
- Bridget, there are
no fags in this house.
434
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:49,969
- Yes, there are.
435
00:18:49,969 --> 00:18:51,013
- Bridget, there isn't.
436
00:18:51,013 --> 00:18:53,431
- You can find them,
you can, I know you can.
437
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:54,348
Go, go, go!
438
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:06,919
Eamon!
439
00:19:06,919 --> 00:19:09,108
Did you see the cobweb up there!
440
00:19:09,108 --> 00:19:10,610
I'm getting at that now.
441
00:19:10,610 --> 00:19:12,277
I am going to do it!
442
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:23,443
- Bridget, I have some very grave news.
443
00:19:24,324 --> 00:19:26,339
We searched in behind this couch here,
444
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,793
in between the arms of this chair
445
00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:29,439
here and behind that couch.
446
00:19:29,439 --> 00:19:31,579
We checked in between the arms of
447
00:19:31,579 --> 00:19:33,408
this chair here, nothing there.
448
00:19:33,408 --> 00:19:36,846
We went in behind that
couch, on the television.
449
00:19:36,846 --> 00:19:37,907
We even went upstairs and went and
450
00:19:37,907 --> 00:19:41,274
went around some of the children's rooms.
451
00:19:41,274 --> 00:19:42,363
We tried the good room.
452
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:43,690
Over the dresser.
453
00:19:43,690 --> 00:19:45,107
Couldn't find anything.
454
00:19:45,107 --> 00:19:47,024
We can't find anything.
455
00:19:48,401 --> 00:19:50,633
We called off the search around
456
00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:53,300
seven o'clock to watch MacGyver.
457
00:19:55,276 --> 00:19:56,966
- No problem, just get the duty-free
458
00:19:56,966 --> 00:20:00,383
boxes from under the sink in the kitchen.
459
00:20:03,782 --> 00:20:04,782
- Bridget...
460
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:07,917
- You smoked the last of the
461
00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:10,370
duty-frees this morning.
462
00:20:10,370 --> 00:20:12,620
There's no cigarettes left.
463
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:30,892
- Anyone who thinks I should
cut down anyway, leave now!
464
00:20:39,411 --> 00:20:41,994
Frank, Eamon, Father, you stay.
465
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:47,834
No cigarettes?
466
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,337
Huh, nine, nine, nine boxes of cigarettes
467
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,352
I had under that sink!
468
00:20:56,352 --> 00:20:58,169
Who didn't tell me about this?
469
00:20:58,169 --> 00:20:59,665
How did you let this happen?
470
00:20:59,665 --> 00:21:02,356
Why wasn't I told about this sooner?
471
00:21:02,356 --> 00:21:04,501
Do you know what's going
to happen to me now?
472
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:06,738
I'm going to blow up like a balloon!
473
00:21:06,738 --> 00:21:09,280
I'll be 19 stone by tomorrow!
474
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,390
You'll have to roll me
out of here in a tent!
475
00:21:12,390 --> 00:21:15,505
- But Bridget, you could
take up a sport or a hobby.
476
00:21:15,505 --> 00:21:16,338
- A hobby!
477
00:21:18,289 --> 00:21:20,104
I'm not a Protestant!
478
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,160
- That's outrageous!
479
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,924
Basketball is getting fierce popular
480
00:21:22,924 --> 00:21:24,237
in the country at the moment.
481
00:21:24,237 --> 00:21:25,529
- Basketball!
482
00:21:25,529 --> 00:21:27,631
And what am I going to
do with a basketball
483
00:21:27,631 --> 00:21:29,270
when I'm making the dinner?
484
00:21:29,270 --> 00:21:31,057
Am I going to play basketball when
485
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:33,638
I'm hoovering the kids
or washing the floor?
486
00:21:33,638 --> 00:21:34,471
Basketball!
487
00:21:34,471 --> 00:21:37,020
I'll destroy every ornament in the house!
488
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:39,724
My house will look worse than Concepta's!
489
00:21:52,506 --> 00:21:55,235
Everyone knows I smoke.
490
00:21:55,235 --> 00:21:58,462
Bridget, choppy-changey hair,
491
00:21:58,462 --> 00:22:00,606
glasses, keeps a good house,
492
00:22:00,606 --> 00:22:03,106
six to eight children, smokes.
493
00:22:06,015 --> 00:22:08,522
What am I without a fag, only
494
00:22:08,522 --> 00:22:11,657
a small-minded woman with notions?
495
00:22:11,657 --> 00:22:12,907
What will I do?
496
00:22:15,830 --> 00:22:18,185
I'll be forced to read a book!
497
00:22:19,707 --> 00:22:20,742
- She doesn't mean it.
498
00:22:20,742 --> 00:22:22,825
She's not that desperate!
499
00:22:27,349 --> 00:22:28,349
- It's over.
500
00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:36,465
- I think she took that well!
501
00:22:43,387 --> 00:22:45,054
- I'm getting a fag!
502
00:22:49,032 --> 00:22:50,865
- Sorry for your loss.
503
00:22:56,577 --> 00:22:59,410
- Thanks, mate, thanks for coming.
504
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,922
I'll never forget the
first time I saw you.
505
00:23:09,707 --> 00:23:12,040
You changed my life forever.
506
00:23:13,083 --> 00:23:14,916
I'll never forget you.
507
00:23:16,454 --> 00:23:17,371
I love you.
508
00:23:21,824 --> 00:23:23,955
- Are you the owner of this house?
509
00:23:23,955 --> 00:23:27,705
- Yes, I am, and we
don't have a TV any more.
510
00:23:31,956 --> 00:23:36,123
And 34 pounds for a license,
it's a thundering disgrace!
511
00:23:38,284 --> 00:23:41,623
- And how much did that TV set cost you?
512
00:23:41,623 --> 00:23:45,040
- 614 pounds, I haven't even it paid off.
513
00:23:46,764 --> 00:23:47,597
Aw, shh...
514
00:23:49,273 --> 00:23:50,605
- And your first cousin's daughter's
515
00:23:50,605 --> 00:23:54,355
husband's uncle is no
relation to you at all.
516
00:23:57,765 --> 00:23:58,598
No!
517
00:23:59,513 --> 00:24:00,346
No!
518
00:24:01,313 --> 00:24:04,417
No, no, Frank, let go of me!
519
00:24:04,417 --> 00:24:05,250
- No relation?
520
00:24:05,250 --> 00:24:07,178
And you had him at our wedding.
521
00:24:07,178 --> 00:24:08,641
- Will you shut up!
522
00:24:08,641 --> 00:24:09,495
Stick on One there.
523
00:24:09,495 --> 00:24:11,505
MacGyver is starting.
524
00:24:11,505 --> 00:24:12,681
- We don't have One.
525
00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:14,098
We only have Two.
526
00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,095
- Well, I'm not watching
RTE2 for the rest of my life.
527
00:24:17,095 --> 00:24:19,767
It's full of women wearing dungarees!
528
00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:22,828
- I can get you a newish TV for nothing,
529
00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:26,078
but you'll have to do something for me.
530
00:24:28,537 --> 00:24:30,393
Yeah, rub it in, rub it in,
531
00:24:30,393 --> 00:24:33,022
cover the chest, cover the chest.
532
00:24:33,022 --> 00:24:36,259
I'm liking that, liking that a lot.
533
00:24:36,259 --> 00:24:38,170
Oh yeah, you've done this before.
534
00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:39,866
You are the best.
535
00:24:39,866 --> 00:24:42,149
- I don't feel comfortable with this.
536
00:24:42,149 --> 00:24:45,649
- Shut up, Bridget, it's for a free telly!
537
00:25:13,644 --> 00:25:16,894
- You are an Angel and I am Delight-ed!
538
00:25:18,377 --> 00:25:19,210
- Weirdos!
37207
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