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1
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[birds chirping]
2
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[inhales]
3
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[knocking]
4
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:41,875
Melania Trump.
5
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,171
Hello.
6
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,468
Hey, Melvin.
7
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:53,720
Long night?
8
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,556
I know we had a fight, but--
9
00:00:58,516 --> 00:00:59,350
Hey.
10
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,198
[sighs]
11
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She's not coming, is she?
12
00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:19,496
Um...
13
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,391
Put this on.
14
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,353
I wanna wrestle.
15
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,189
Okay, how about we...
16
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:47,398
um...
17
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,985
just do a rain check
and wait until Mistress May arrives,
18
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:56,324
because, I mean, I'm like, you know, a boy
and you probably want a girl penguin--
19
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,201
I want a penguin. Put it on.
20
00:01:58,952 --> 00:01:59,786
Okay.
21
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,706
-From the bottom, up.
-Okay, yeah. Uh-huh.
22
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,250
-Sure.
-Head first.
23
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,167
Okay.
24
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:07,752
There you go.
25
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:10,505
That's in the wing.
26
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,758
You put your head through the... yeah.
27
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,343
Careful of the beak.
28
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,469
[Pete] Oh, boy.
29
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:18,972
[man] Oh, wow.
30
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,682
Yeah, and now just...
31
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:23,852
[man exhales]
32
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,896
Okay, so, what kind of wrestling
are you into?
33
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,231
Penguin wrestling.
34
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,359
-Of course.
-Put your hands on my shoulders.
35
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:37,490
Okay. Should I use my actual hands,
or like, my flippers or--
36
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,577
[gasps] Okay! We are wrestling.
37
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:42,579
Wow. Okay.
38
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,789
You do this with Mistress May?
39
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:47,917
No. I was just gonna watch her waddle
around in the suit while I jerked off.
40
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,669
Oh, uh, we could still do that.
41
00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:53,548
[grunts] Um, well, what do you like
about penguins so much?
42
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,466
Have you ever seen March of the Penguins?
43
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,927
Isn't that the one
where they, like, urban dance?
44
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,929
-That's Happy Feet.
-Oh, sorry.
45
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,682
Okay, I'm sorry.
Look, I've never been more aroused...
46
00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,226
than when I look at penguins, okay?
47
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,061
The way they waddle.
48
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,356
The way they swim.
49
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:12,775
The way they fight.
50
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,277
[breathes nervously]
51
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,070
They're little fucking beasts.
52
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,324
Don't they also, like, mate for life?
53
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,118
That's a common misconception.
54
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,120
Oh. Good to know.
55
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,626
All right?
56
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,294
Give me one little...
57
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,671
penguin kiss, and it would mean...
58
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,924
so much to me. Just one.
59
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:38,301
-What? No, no, no, no!
-One little tiny beak-to-beak.
60
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,678
No! No means no!
61
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,180
No penguin kisses!
62
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,933
No Eskimo kisses! No butterfly kisses!
63
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,478
You can march your penguin ass home!
64
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,855
[whimpering]
65
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,399
[grunts]
66
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,779
We're done for the day.
67
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,281
Just leave your money with reception,
68
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,493
and don't watch me while I walk away.
69
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,495
Yes, Master Carter.
70
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,167
What did you call me?
71
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:15,088
Master Carter.
72
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,176
[farts]
73
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,931
Don't shit yet.
74
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,433
Sorry.
75
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,602
Uh, I will hold it.
76
00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:33,856
I'm...
77
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,277
a dominatrix.
78
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,490
That would explain the boots.
79
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,580
So how do you feel about that?
80
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:52,041
Uh, the boots? They're nice boots.
81
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,128
No, uh...
82
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,464
About me being a dominatrix.
83
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,342
Um...
84
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:04,721
I don't know.
85
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:08,641
Is that okay?
86
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,062
[stall door opens]
87
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,106
[footsteps approach, stall door closes]
88
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,858
[knocking]
89
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:21,446
[stall door opens]
90
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:26,868
This is me.
91
00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,079
Well, part of me.
92
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:34,709
Yeah, you look like Wonder Woman
at a funeral.
93
00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:39,464
Look...
94
00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:41,841
I had a really...
95
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,676
nice time the other night,
96
00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:47,472
in spite of my best effort not to.
97
00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:50,099
So...
98
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:57,607
I don't know, if you want to know more
about what I do or why I do it,
99
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,276
or if you just want to let me
annihilate you in pinball,
100
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,779
I'm gonna leave that up to you.
101
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,368
I'm gonna let you shit in peace now.
102
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:09,702
Oh, I already did.
103
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,456
-You did?
-Mm-hmm.
104
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,335
You're not the only one
who can do things on the down low.
105
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,005
I'll see you in class.
106
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,804
You're gonna wear that?
107
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:29,972
[audience laughter]
108
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,809
[woman] I mean, no,
but I'm fucking serious.
109
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,937
[Josh] You're gonna be fine.
110
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:37,063
[audience laughter]
111
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,982
Yeah, I... I just wish Tiff were here.
112
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:44,112
Shouldn't I just get baked or something?
Or am I better than that?
113
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,738
I'm not better than that, no.
114
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:48,491
[exhales]
115
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,659
[sighs]
116
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:51,035
Thanks for coming.
117
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,371
I'm your only fan, apparently.
118
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,498
Piss all over 'em, kiddo.
119
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:56,749
[audience laughter]
120
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,167
[Pete chuckles awkwardly]
121
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,045
Just a friend from work.
122
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,422
-Oh, yeah?
-Uh-huh.
123
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,258
If a man had his period
once in a lifetime,
124
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,884
tampons would be free,
125
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,220
and you could get an abortion
at the bodega.
126
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:12,265
You'd literally... I'm s... You'd
literally be laying there, being like,
127
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:16,602
"Can you also put a carton of almond milk
and some cigarettes on my tab?"
128
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,229
[audience laughter]
129
00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:20,481
Thank you.
Okay, you guys, that's my time...
130
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:22,191
of the month.
131
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,110
[cheering and applause]
132
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:27,447
Wow! Murphy! Hello.
133
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,198
All right, no hugging there.
134
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,492
Give it up for Murphy. Isn't she funny?
135
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,495
All right, let's give it up
for your next comic,
136
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,456
uh, Carter.
137
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,291
Uh, that's it.
138
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:41,043
It's like a Cher is gonna be next.
Come on, Carter!
139
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,503
I thought you were next.
140
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:44,797
I am.
141
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,211
[students chattering]
142
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,630
All right, all right,
everybody settle down.
143
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:26,589
[Tiff] Professor.
144
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,342
I've got some people here to see you.
145
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,135
You remember Kate, right?
146
00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:35,223
And maybe you know our administrators,
Mrs. Cartwright and Mr. Sames?
147
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,600
They would love to have a chat with you.
148
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:46,943
Our lovely star professor here
didn't have the proper boundaries,
149
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,445
so he's dismissed from class for the day.
150
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,739
So are the rest of you.
151
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,366
But...
152
00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,744
if you would like to stay around
for my thesis presentation,
153
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,496
I would like to do that now.
154
00:08:58,579 --> 00:08:59,830
[students chattering]
155
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:08,548
[girl gasps]
156
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:12,885
Hi.
157
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:14,762
[audience laughter]
158
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,477
-Good boy.
-[laughter]
159
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,395
Shoo.
160
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,521
[laughter]
161
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,693
Shh.
162
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,861
Sorry, I came straight from work.
163
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:31,904
[imitates whip]
164
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,906
[laughter]
165
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,368
I'm a dominatrix assistant. It's my job.
166
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,621
Or at least, I was.
I think I got fired today. Don't worry.
167
00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:41,622
I liked it.
168
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:42,790
[laughter]
169
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,625
My safeword was, "I quit."
170
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,835
[laughter]
171
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:51,507
How bad at torturing men in basements
do you have to be to get fired, right?
172
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:53,968
I mean, that's like getting fired
from the Taliban.
173
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,429
Do you think that when you get fired
from the Taliban,
174
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,598
they just send you on a suicide mission?
175
00:09:58,681 --> 00:09:59,807
[laughter]
176
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,393
Right? They're like,
"It's not working out.
177
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:04,687
Should we just have him kill himself?"
178
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,022
[laughter]
179
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,150
It's like, "Sorry, you're fired.
180
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,611
Here's your pink slip. It's also a bomb."
181
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:12,737
[laughter]
182
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:13,988
Hoo!
183
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,115
Sorry, that was hot.
184
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,159
Not just me. Hey, can you hold that?
185
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,412
Give it back at the end or I'll kill you!
186
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,581
-Just kidding, okay?
-[laughter]
187
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:26,208
I don't do murder. Just light bondage.
188
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,503
Okay, so I know
you're all probably wondering,
189
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:33,674
"Uh, why is that Frodo Baggins dressed
like he's joining the Hells Angels?"
190
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:34,634
[laughter]
191
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,511
And it's because of my best friend
from high school.
192
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:39,805
So...
193
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,478
I know a lot of you don't know me.
194
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,230
I'm sure most of you think I'm a bitch.
195
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,400
That's fair. Same.
196
00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,694
We have something in common.
197
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,282
But... my name is Tiff.
198
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:00,326
However...
199
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,162
most people call me "Mistress May."
200
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:08,459
I'm sure a lot of you have noticed
I'm not much of a talker.
201
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:09,960
I'm a doer.
202
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,297
So, the problem with being a doer
is I'm...
203
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,132
also a fixer.
204
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,927
I like to fix things...
205
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:19,428
quickly.
206
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:21,681
And if I can't fix them...
207
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,308
my way,
208
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,562
I just kind of leave them behind.
209
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:33,567
Pretty un-psychiatric quality.
210
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:36,487
See, um...
211
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,618
when I was, um,
in high school and college,
212
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,080
bad things happened to me.
213
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:49,458
Bad men...
214
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,127
happened to me.
215
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,798
Life... happened to me.
216
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,010
So I thought, "Fix it."
217
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,680
That's what I did.
218
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,099
Starting with myself.
219
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:07,810
So...
220
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,107
I just want to show you guys
who I really am.
221
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,027
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
222
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,824
who would like to get tied to the chair?
223
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,733
Get in the fucking chair, Doug!
224
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,277
Yup.
14906
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