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1
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:04,606
Ryan, look what I got for you.
2
00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:09,861
Now, you're only allowed to have
one slice, my little honey hog.
3
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,613
What is this?
4
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:14,908
Your article about getting hit by a car
5
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:18,578
just became the most viewed article
in the site's history.
6
00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:22,373
Second is Samantha's essay about
not actually caring when her grandma died.
7
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,834
She really wasn't that great.
8
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,587
Wow.
9
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:29,756
Thank you.
10
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,591
So will you do a follow-up post for me?
11
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:34,677
Just something like
"Still Limping But Still Living Life."
12
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,096
Et cetera. Et cetera.
13
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,346
You got it.
14
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,685
Ryan, that's bullshit and you know it.
15
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,229
What are you talking about?
16
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,939
That cake is from Vons.
17
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:49,150
On the hierarchy of grocery store cake,
a Vons is at the bottom.
18
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,360
Albertsons is at the top.
19
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,279
You're right.
20
00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:56,825
It is bullshit.
21
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,161
It's a bullshit cake.
22
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,879
Hey, Cortana.
23
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,798
Skype Ryan Hayes.
24
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:24,853
Hi, Mom.
25
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,062
Oh, hey, honey.
26
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:27,272
Hi.
27
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,607
- Did you get my text?
- Yes.
28
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,902
The triple berry cake? Really?
That's what you want for your birthday?
29
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,946
It's so played out.
30
00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:36,823
Oh, come on!
31
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,950
I asked you to do this one thing for me.
32
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:41,578
Sweet Lady Jane is just around the corner.
33
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:42,912
It's not that hard.
34
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:46,623
Ry?
35
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,378
Ryan Hayes! What are you doing?
36
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:52,881
Nothing. Um...
37
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,717
I'll pick up the cake.
Dinner's still at 8:00 tomorrow, right?
38
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,552
Yep.
39
00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:00,930
Are you going to invite Phil
or are you guys still on ice?
40
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:03,850
I hope the ice is melted.
41
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,405
- Hey.
- Hey.
42
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:18,688
What's up?
43
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:21,367
It's my birthday tomorrow.
44
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:22,744
Oh.
45
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:23,827
Okay.
46
00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:25,829
And I...
47
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,665
I wanted to apologize for...
48
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:28,749
Dumping me?
49
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,460
Right.
50
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,171
I realize that I might've been a little...
51
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,297
Hasty?
52
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:37,884
What is this? Forgiveness Mad Libs?
53
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,510
Sorry, I'll let you talk.
54
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,222
Actually, that was it.
55
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,226
And I'm cooking dinner with Ryan tomorrow
and I...
56
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,436
It's sort of a little birthday party,
57
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:52,065
and I thought maybe that you could join
and we could just take it from there.
58
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,607
Wow.
59
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,778
So did Ryan sign off on a permission slip
for you to date me?
60
00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:59,948
As a matter of fact, he has.
61
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,201
We talked and he's totally onboard.
62
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,161
Unbelievable.
63
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,206
I know!
I know.
64
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,833
Well, he's really matured
65
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:14,921
And now he's using that app, Headspace,
which I think I should try.
66
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,339
Look, Kar.
67
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:17,966
I'm sorry.
68
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,135
I don't think I can start this up again.
69
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,806
I don't want to be in a relationship
with someone else's kid.
70
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,182
You know?
71
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,479
But happy birthday.
72
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:51,374
Hey, Ry.
73
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:52,583
Carey!
74
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,827
You ready to go to a restaurant
where the waiters says,
75
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,638
"You ever been here before?
'Cause we do things a little differently,"
76
00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:00,425
and then they just serve you
the tiniest portion of mac and cheese
77
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,677
for $18 that leaves you starving and poor?
78
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,096
Yes! $18 macaroni and cheese
is my safe place.
79
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:06,472
Yes! Come on.
80
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:11,894
OMG. Call Ripley's Believe or Not.
You're wearing shoes with actual laces.
81
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,272
- What are you doing?
- Tying them.
82
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,400
- You... you really don't need to do that.
- Wait, I'm almost done.
83
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,319
Wait. Stop moving, let me just do it.
84
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,445
I said stop!
85
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:21,528
Ah!
86
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:23,698
Fuck.
87
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:26,242
- Whoa. Oh, my God. You all right?
- I'm fine.
88
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,536
- I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm sorry.
- Are you bleeding?
89
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,663
What? Ryan!
90
00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:42,859
Hey.
91
00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:44,320
Is your follow-up post ready?
92
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,322
Um... Technically, yes.
93
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,160
Olivia, that post I wrote
about getting hit by a car...
94
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,080
it wasn't entirely accurate.
95
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,123
Oh, really?
96
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,500
Interesting.
97
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,002
Hey, everyone, gather around.
98
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,422
Ryan just told me the biggest post
in Eggwoke's history
99
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,090
is based on a bunch of lies.
100
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:07,051
Oh, no. I didn't lie. I...
101
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,679
I was hit by a car, just...
102
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:12,598
it's not why I limp.
103
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,117
I have...
104
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,162
cerebral palsy.
105
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,756
You lied to the world about something,
106
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,843
then came clean about that lie
in what I'm guessing
107
00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:52,013
is a very vulnerable yet viral post
about your self-loathing?
108
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,515
That's ballsy.
109
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:56,767
I'm going to offer you a job.
110
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,936
Oh, my God. Wow, thank you!
111
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,062
It'll be freelance.
112
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,273
Which means you'll get no health benefits.
113
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:03,983
But let's be honest,
114
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,194
you have so many pre-existing conditions,
115
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,778
you'd never get covered anyway.
116
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,657
Didn't the kid from Breaking Bad have CP?
117
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:12,909
I think so.
118
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,453
I used to masturbate to him
119
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,288
all the time.
120
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:29,758
Hi.
121
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,055
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
122
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:35,181
Yeah, me too.
123
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,016
But you get it, right?
124
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,977
I mean... 'cause in the beginning
125
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,772
you didn't tell me about your money stuff
because you were insecure.
126
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,816
No, me lying about my money stuff
is not the same.
127
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,986
I liked you 'cause I thought
you were just being yourself,
128
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,655
which is rare, by the way.
129
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,073
But now it's like...
130
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,449
who the fuck are you?
131
00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,076
I am myself.
132
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,996
Trust me, I spent some time
not being myself
133
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,207
and it clearly didn't work, so...
134
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,292
Look.
135
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,965
I really, really am sorry
that I lied to you again.
136
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:12,385
I'm new to this whole friendship thing.
137
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,515
It sounds pathetic, but you're pretty much
the first real friend
138
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:18,891
I've ever had, so...
139
00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:22,462
I just didn't want to screw it up
by telling you the truth.
140
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:24,188
It wouldn't have.
141
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,733
I'm just sad that you thought
you couldn't tell me.
142
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:29,192
I know.
143
00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:30,860
I'm sorry.
144
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:33,656
Well, don't fucking lie to me again.
145
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:34,990
Pinky swear.
146
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,116
Okay.
147
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:38,869
Oh, my God, are you for real?
148
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,079
This one. Little one.
149
00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:42,164
Okay, I just can't... I can't pinky swear.
150
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,583
Cerebral palsy?
151
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,043
Bad hand-eye coordination?
It's a thing.
152
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,003
Really?
153
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,754
How'd you survive being 12?
154
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:49,963
I didn't.
155
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:53,175
I am very emotionally stunted.
156
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,219
All right, well, then let's hug it out.
157
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,938
All right. Cheers.
158
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:07,315
To cerebral palsy.
159
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:11,235
Ugh.
160
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,112
Burn, baby, burn!
161
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,905
- Hey!
- Hi, guys!
162
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,615
Well, well, well.
163
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:18,576
- If it isn't the lady of the hour.
- Hi.
164
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,175
We don't have to talk about what happened.
165
00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:24,205
- Okay.
- Yeah.
166
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,667
We do have to dance!
167
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,126
Yeah!
168
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,921
You grinding me? Yes, you are!
169
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,254
I need more attention.
170
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,553
I'm gonna go take a lap.
171
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,637
Okay.
172
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,732
Hey, Carey, I'm sorry about
running off the other night.
173
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,359
I totally get it.
174
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,030
Okay, I've got something to tell you.
175
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:57,530
All right.
176
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,244
I like you, okay?
177
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:05,790
Just, when I see you, I get really happy,
178
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,167
which sounds basic,
but it's not for me, okay?
179
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,294
And I know you have a boyfriend,
obviously,
180
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,463
so duh, this probably won't happen,
but you're so...
181
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:22,597
...cute.
182
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:24,724
Okay?
183
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,143
- Okay.
- Okay.
184
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,111
I got to go.
185
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:37,779
Yeah, go to go.
186
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,240
You got to go?
187
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:01,177
Mumsy!
188
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:04,348
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
189
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,560
- Happy birthday.
- Oh.
190
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:11,981
I just had the most insane day.
191
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:14,150
I told everyone about my cerebral palsy,
192
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:17,027
and Carey and I finally smooched.
193
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:18,988
What do you mean? Who's everyone?
194
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,071
At work.
195
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:25,244
Oh, the article I wrote about my CP,
I didn't actually write that.
196
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:28,080
You see, everyone just assumed
my limp was from my accident,
197
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,790
and then I never corrected them.
198
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:31,625
Oh, my God.
199
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,419
You lied to me.
200
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,628
I lied to everyone.
201
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,298
But why did you lie to me?
202
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,176
I'm sorry, but...
203
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,678
the point is that no one actually cared.
204
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:43,846
Like, at all!
205
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,141
And now it just feels like my life
can finally start.
206
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,977
You know? It's like
I was in the closet about being gay,
207
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:51,860
then I was in the closet
about being disabled,
208
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,565
and now, no more closets.
209
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:55,775
What is this?
210
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,028
What happened to my triple berry?
211
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,530
Oh, um, Sweet Lady Jane was closed,
212
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,115
but this is supposed to be amazing.
213
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,367
In, like, a supermarket trash kind of way.
214
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,996
You had one job to do, Ryan. One job.
215
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:11,582
Just to pick up the cake I wanted.
216
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:14,502
I'm sorry.
217
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:17,880
This is awful.
218
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:20,549
What's wrong with you?
219
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:24,720
Did it ever occur to you that you
actually had to show up for me today?
220
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:25,846
I'm here!
221
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,973
And by the way, where is Phil?
222
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:30,309
Phil dumped me.
223
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,526
He said he didn't want to be
in a relationship
224
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:33,938
with someone else's asshole kid.
225
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:35,606
- Asshole?
- Yeah.
226
00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:38,107
Okay.
227
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,569
Well, then this asshole is leaving.
228
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,946
No, no, no.
229
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,365
You are not done. I am not done with you.
230
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,159
Look, I just... I...
231
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,704
I just sabotaged my relationship with Phil
because you were mad at me.
232
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,832
And I didn't even think about it,
I just ended it.
233
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,875
I never asked you to do that!
234
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,421
I don't know what to say, Mom.
It takes two to be co-dependent.
235
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,591
Oh! Oh, I should have let you do things
on your own.
236
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,052
That would have been interesting
to see how that worked.
237
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,556
Okay. "Oh, Ryan, just take the bus
to physical therapy.
238
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,682
I'm tired."
239
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:12,476
"Ryan, go get fitted
for your own leg braces.
240
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,019
I want to get a manicure."
241
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,813
Wow.
242
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,484
I had no idea my disability
trolled you so hard.
243
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:23,319
You know what?
244
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,615
Why don't I just ask you
to never do anything for me
245
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:27,907
ever again?
246
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,326
Oh.
247
00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:30,578
I would like that.
248
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:34,915
I would like to see how you function
in this world without an on-call maid.
249
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,585
I'd love to see
how well you function.
250
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:39,837
Let's be real.
251
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,923
If you're not helping me,
you have nothing going on in your life.
252
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,383
I did have something!
253
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,635
I had... I had something just on my own,
254
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,637
that didn't revolve around you,
255
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,055
and you ruined it.
256
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,349
That is such bullshit! God!
257
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,728
If you want to blame me for
the reason why you're alone at 49...
258
00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,606
I'm 50.
259
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,316
I'm 50 today.
260
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,526
You don't even know how old I am.
261
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,113
Mom, I'm sorry.
262
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,159
I do blame you.
263
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:14,954
Then go away.
264
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,083
Leave me alone.
265
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:22,546
No, wait. Oh, no, wait, Ry. I'm sorry.
266
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,672
I didn't mean that.
267
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,591
I just... Look... I love you.
268
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:26,967
I'm so sorry. I...
269
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,178
I don't blame you.
270
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,180
I didn't mean that.
271
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:35,725
Yes.
272
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:38,227
You did.
273
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,484
♪ You walked out on me and said ♪
274
00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:47,488
♪ That I could never make it on my own ♪
275
00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:52,034
♪ Without someone like you
To do the things you used to do ♪
276
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:56,997
♪ Somehow I just can't help thinking
Even though you may be right ♪
277
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:02,461
♪ I know that I will miss you so,
But still I know they say it's so ♪
278
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:07,508
♪ Sunshine always follows rain ♪
279
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,429
♪ Gladness always follows pain ♪
280
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,392
♪ Clouds don't stay long in the sky ♪
281
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:21,522
♪ That's how I know I'll get by ♪
282
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:25,526
♪ Nightmares fade away with dawn... ♪
19638
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