All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- "Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live outdoor audience.

- Hey, Abby, the jukebox

ate my quarter again.
- Oh, I'm sorry about that.

We do have a box
for complaints

about people
losing their quarters,

but you have to write
your complaint on a dollar.

So is it worth it?

- Fred, can I borrow a...
a dollar?

Uh...Fred?

Fred?

- You okay there, buddy?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally, totally.

Fred?!

- Bill, relax.
Fred left.

- Without saying
good-bye?

We were in the middle
of a conversation.

- That's what Fred does.
He's like cotton candy

in your mouth--
it's there, then suddenly

it's a beautiful memory.

- Seriously? How do you
not know this about Fred?

- I guess I always
just leave before him.

You know, I do have to
be up and at work by 7:30.

- Oh, my God.
7:30 in the morning?

They have that?

- Bill, it's not that big
a deal--Fred just prefers

the Irish good-bye.
- But we were in the middle

of a debate
about eucalyptus trees.

I said that they're
an invasive species

that's threatening
biological diversity,

and he said...
[laughs] he said,

"But the leaves
smell nice." [laughs]

All right, look.

It was a great conversation.
You just had to be there.

- Counterpoint--the only
other person who was there

ran away.

[mellow music]

♪

Guys, I got a letter
taped to my door today.

- That's never good.

No one ever tapes
a fun letter to your door.

It's never,
"Dear sir, we're happy

"you're getting so good
at playing the drums.

Please consider
getting more dogs."

- It's from Richard Allison.

- Oh. Ooh.
- Who's that?

- He lives down the street.
He's a pain.

He's figured out that if
he threatens to call the cops

on the bar, we'll basically
do whatever he wants.

- So he's extorting you.

- Yeah, I guess,
but that makes it sound cool.

It's way lamer than that.

- He's the reason
the bar is so dim.

Couple years ago, he complained
that the lights

were interfering with
everyone's star-gazing.

Now every time I do
a crossword puzzle,

I go home with a headache.

- You know, I have
an extra headlamp

you could borrow, Fred.
It's got an LED light

and a little magnifying
glass that flips down.

- Maybe. If you don't have
anything nerdier.

- Yeah, I don't like
that guy.

One of these days, I'm gonna
give him a piece of my mind.

- No, you won't.
- Yeah, I won't.

- It just says
he'd "really love to come by

to discuss something
near and dear to his heart."

Guys, I'm torn.
I don't wanna do that,

but it sounds like
he'd really love it.

- Is giving in to this guy
really the only option?

I mean, there's gotta be
something else we can do.

- Skip, you got away with it
once--stop tempting fate!

- So get this: I work for
a small shipping company.

Well, today I got a call from
a bigger shipping company,

Southland Shipping, and they
offered me a better job.

It's a nightmare.

- But James,
isn't that a promotion?

- Pfft. Huh. Yeah.
That's exactly what theysaid.

- But isn't a promotion good?
- In theory.

I mean, it's also
more responsibility.

Which means more things
can go wrong,

and that's all on me.

- Like what?
- Well, I'd be a supervisor,

which means if we have product
delays or personnel issues

or somebody gets a book
with a bendy corner,

you know whose phone's
gonna ring? Mine.

- You can't worry about that.

People'll complain about
anything.

When they call, you just say,

"Beth, calm down,
and have a cocktail."

- I have until tomorrow
morning to figure it out.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- Hmm. Yeah.
That is a tough one.

You want them,
and they want you.

I don't know how you're
gonna get outta this pickle.

- It would be amazing.

But it might be too much
pressure for me to handle.

Southland Shipment--I mean,

they're like the Yankees
of shipping companies.

They've had all the greats.

I'm talking Tommy Glasco,
Caroline Rollins,

Doug Halverson!

You know, they call him
the Prince of Tape.

- Hey, Bill,

this thing just has
the scientific clues left.

You wanna finish it off?

- Oh...finishing things,
hey, Fred?

Did not know that's something
you cared about.

- God, what is this?
And how is it about me?

- We were in the middle
of a conversation yesterday,

and you just left
without saying anything.

- I was going home.

It's not like I was
going off to war.

Even if I was, who are you
to judge how I say good-bye?

I'm fighting
for your freedom!

- Why don't you
support the troops, Bill?

- Look, an Irish good-bye
is just being rude

and then blaming it
on the Irish.

And haven't they
been through enough?

I mean, I don't really know
what the Potato Famine was,

but it sounds terrible!

- Sorry, Bill.
I'm with Fred on this one.

I like the Irish good-bye.

Otherwise, you risk
the suck-in. [slurps]

- What is the suck-in?
- It's when you're

trying to say good-bye to
someone, but then they say,

"Wait, I forgot to show you
this video

of my three-year-old's
soccer game."

Then you're stuck
watching a video

of a bunch of little brats
bumping into each other.

- Bill, it's not like
you say good-bye

to all the back benchers
when you leave,

so technically, you're being
rude to dozens of people.

- Hmm. I guess you're right.
Well, not anymore.

Because before tonight is over,

I'm gonna say good-bye
to everyone,

because I care about
people's feelings.

- Huh. Okay,
quick calculation.

Say you budget 90 seconds
to each good-bye.

There's about 40 people
in the place,

so if you wanna get to
everybody before your bedtime,

you'd better start saying
good night...

mmm...about five minutes
ago.

- No problem.
Watch this.

[laughs] Hey-ey!
Fireworks Jerry.

- Hey!
- How's it goin', man?

Look, I'm taking off pretty
soon in...a couple of hours,

and, uh, just wanted
to say good-bye.

I'll see you tomorrow.
- Oh! No, you won't.

I'mgoing to Laos.

I'm meeting my half-sister
for the first time.

- [chuckles]

[slurps]

[mellow music]

- I wish James
would take this new job.

He'd be so good at it--

packing the boxes...
better than he did before.

I don't have a firm grasp
on what he does.

- Poor guy just gets
in his head.

He can't even leave
voicemails.

He just keeps recording
and deleting

until his phone
runs out of battery.

- Might be a job
for "Tequila Jimmy."

- Okay. How is there yet
another person

that I haven't heard of
at this bar?

I study every single night!

I got flash cards
and everything.

- Relax, Bill.
"Tequila Jimmy"

is just James
when he drinks tequila.

He becomes a different person.
It's like he's...

up for anything.
- That's right. For example,

he's terrified of singing,
but...

after half a margarita,

he'll perform
Rihanna's entire catalogue.

- You know who Rihanna is?

- I live in the world
just like everybody else!

- Okay, so he takes
a shot of tequila,

then what--he starts
singing a bunch?

- It's not that simple, Bill.

James's confidence
increases with every shot,

so on this end of the spectrum,

we've got
"asks for extra guac."

Up here,
this is "hits a piñata

at a birthday party
he wasn't invited to."

- Hey, Abby,
I'm freaking out.

I think I forgot how to stand.
Does this look right?

- Hey, uh, anybody wanna
do a shot of tequila?

On the house.
- Whoa, tequila?

What's the occasion?
- Why do we need an occasion?

You know what they say:

"It's a white girl's birthday
somewhere."

- Nothing's happening.

I mean, how long
does this usually take,

the transformation?
- Bill, it's not like

"Teen Wolf." He's not gonna
suddenly be able to dunk.

- It's kinda like when I got
my eyebrows trimmed

at the barber shop.

It's a subtle change, but it
does make a big difference.

- Abby!

- Richard.
So good to see you.

[overlapping greetings]

Can I get you a drink?
- No. No, thank you.

I'm doing the Whole 30.

It's 30 days of no dairy,
no grains, no legumes,

no sugar, and no alcohol.

- Oh, that's too bad.
I was just about to

offer you legumes.

Should we go someplace quiet
and discuss your letter?

- Actually, I was hoping
thiscould be

someplace more quiet.

- Ha ha.
- You see, Abby,

I really care about
the neighborhood,

and someone has complained
about the noise.

- Was it you?
- I don't wanna name names.

I'm just gonna float an idea.

What if Abby's was
the coolest spot in town

that also closed
at 8:55 p.m.?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

This place is great.

It's just like
a modern-day speakeasy,

which I think is so cool,
because I'm not

just a full-time dad.
I'm also a novelist.

- Anybody else
wanna jump in here?

I'm feeling a little
light-headed.

- Richard,
we wanna work with you,

but this is a bar.

8:55 p.m.? Chuck E. Cheese
is open later than that.

- Well, it's an illegalbar,

and if someone were to
have a problem with something

and that person
called the authorities,

well...
- So you're forcing us to close

in...96 minutes.

- Forcing? [laughs]
No one's forcing anyone.

We're just having
a friendly conversation

about what's best
for the neighborhood.

- Yeah. So friendly.
Mm-hmm.

Listen, Richard, why don't you
let me buy you a drink,

and we can see if we can
find a solution here.

- Okay, why not?
I think I'll be bad

and have a fizzy water
with a splash of cran.

Don't tell my wife!

Yes, I'm one of those guys
who married their nutritionist.

Guilty!

.

[mellow music]

- Richard, be reasonable.

I can't close the bar
at 9:00 p.m.

It would destroy my business.

- Here's the problem. Some
people in the neighborhood,

like me, just put in
a new deck,

and they like to enjoy
those decks quietly.

- What if we got you some
noise-canceling headphones?

- Yeah, the really
expensive ones.

- All right. Easy.

- But then I couldn't
hear my wind chimes.

They're prescription.

- What if we recorded
the sound of the wind chimes,

and then you could play it
through the headphones?

- Well, see, I have
almost no cartilage in my ears,

so headphones in general
are torture.

Do you wanna feel?

- [softly] Abby, don't be mad,
but I really wanna feel.

- What if we made a deal.

We will all read your novel
and give you feedback.

- Mm! Well, that's tempting.

And I think you'll like it.

It's an erotic
political thriller

that takes place
during the Civil War.

It's called
"Gettysburg Undressed."

- Last call, everybody.

Last call!

- Okay, so I'm taking off,
guys,

but I'm gonna say
good-bye to you as a group.

Good-bye, good-bye,

Good-bye--no handshakes.
No time for that.

Good-bye.

- Hey, Bill,
I think the tequila

is starting to make James
more confident.

- Oh...
- Oh, you think so, Beth?

You think I'm a little
more confident?

You thinking that
all by yourself?

I'm just messin' with you.

- What's going on here?
- When James drinks tequila,

he likes to do elaborate
handshakes with everyone

that only he knows
the moves to.

- Hoodle-hoo!
- Oh. Hoodle-hoo!

- Here we go.
Whoa, whoa!

[laughs]
We didn't plan any of this.

It's like handshake jazz!

- Shots were a great idea.
I think I should have 14 more!

- Okay, okay, but hold on.
Before that,

maybe we should talk about
this new job, right?

Sounds awesome.
- It does sound awesome.

Why have I been down
on myself?

I work hard.
I'm good with people.

I can do this.
- Okay, well,

sounds like you have
a phone call to make.

- Damn right I do!
- Ha ha!

- Get me Doug Halverson.

Tell him I'm comin'
for his crown.

- All right, this is great.
We're just gonna dial for you.

- I didn't hit any numbers.
I don't know.

- Mm. Wow, I haven't had
club soda in ages.

These bubbles are going
straight to my head.

I feel like
I'm in college!

- Richard, look, I understand
that peace and quiet

is very important to you,

and I can promise you
we will try to keep it down.

- This is a very
civilized bar.

The people who drink
here are extremely quiet,

even if they talk at all,
right, Skip?

That's just how he waves.
Don't worry about that.

The point is, it's quiet.
- Mm-hmm.

- I guess we could
give it a few weeks,

see how it goes.

- Really? That's so great.

I really appreciate it.

How 'bout another
club soda?

- Well, who are you, Satan?
Okay!

- Uh, hey, guys,
James is making me say this.

And now, entering
from Abby's porch,

it's the domestic shipping
champion,

the heir to the air pillow,

the packing peanut--

Sorry. What the hell was it?

- Punisher, Bill.
- The packing peanut punisher,

it's Southland Shipping's
newest Regional Manager,

it's Jaaaaames!

- Hey, is this still
three tequila shots?

- Well, he accepted the job
and wanted to celebrate,

so he took two more
tequila shots.

And then he took two more

because the first two
worked so well.

- Well, well, well!

Look who it is--
the famous Richard.

I'm actually glad
you stopped by.

There's something
I been meaning to give you.

- Oh, what?
- A piece of my mind!

- James, no.
- You complain too much, man.

And we're tired of you telling
us what to do all the time--

move your trash can,
be quiet.

Stop feeding egg rolls
to the raccoons.

Enough is enough.

It's time for you to go.
- No, James.

You do not need to bounce him.

- Actually, I do, Abby.

It's like you always say:
"James, please bounce people.

That's why you get
10% off beer."

- Do not handle me roughly.

I drank a lot of liquor.
- You're bounced, Richard.

- You had better be closed
at 9:00 p.m.

The neighborhood
doesn't wanna call the police,

but the neighborhood will.

- I'm just gonna update the
confidence chart real quick.

James finally bounces
someone

is waaaaay ooooout here.

.

- I spent my entire life trying
to avoid this exact feeling

where you make a mistake,
and there's consequences.

It's like the Butterfly Effect.

You step on a butterfly once,
and you feel bad forever.

- Uh, that's not what the
Butterf--it's not important.

- This is exactly why I gotta
back outta that new job.

- James, come on.

I know how seriously
you take your job,

but if somebody's movie poster
gets dented in that tube thing,

it's not gonna be
the end of the world.

- It could be!
Yeah, one damaged package

isn't a big deal,
but mistakes add up,

and eventually,
I'd get fired.

And now, that's on
my record forever.

Nobody'll hire me.
So I end up starving to death.

Steve eats me!

- Who is Steve?

- He's the cat I got
while I was unemployed.

- James,
sometimes in life

you gotta take a risk.

And also, you're not
the only one in the world

who gets anxious.
- Yeah.

As a mom, I'm responsible
for two human lives.

If I mess up, they die.
Or become dicks.

- I have a fear that one day
I'm gonna bite into

a big, juicy burger,

and it'll turn out to be
one of those veggie ones.

- It's gonna be okay,
James.

We're gonna deal with this
Richard thing, right, guys?

- Yeah.
- Right, right.

We could just send him

a nice bouquet of flowers.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.

Here, Richard.
Here's your present.

It attracts bees,
and it's covered in thorns.

But if you do everything right,
you get to watch it die.

- Oh, my God!
- Please...

- I'm sorry. You guys
don't know what it's like

to have a brain that thinks of

the worst possible outcome
every time--I hate it.

- James...

my sweet James.

I think I know
what we have to do.

But you're gonna
have to trust me.

- You know, I worry too.

Like when you guys
make fun of me

for talking about
engineering stuff--

I worry that I'm kind of
an annoying person.

Ah, yes, the collective
silence that follows

when everyone thinks the
opposite of what you just said.

Whew! Well, I gotta
tell you, Terry,

at first I didn't believe that
you grew up with three dogs,

but you just gave me
so much evidence.

You know, ah...

I think, uh, maybe it's getting
to be that time of the night.

- Hey, cool watch.
- Oh.

- I love watches.

I just bought
this crazy one.

The hands are feet.

- Remarkable.

- Mind if I take Bill here
for a second?

- So sorry.
My friend is so rude.

But it was great seeing you.

I thought I was gonna
die just now--thank you.

- The Irish good-bye isn't
looking so bad now, is it?

- I'll tell you the truth.

I don't care that you
Irish good-bye sometimes.

I just care
that you did it to me.

I feel like we've been making
strides in our friendship.

- Strides?
- Yeah. Just last week,

I asked you
for one of your nuts.

You gave me the nut.

Fred, I ate that nut,
and I loved it.

And if that's not friendship,
I do not know what is.

- Oh, that's an option,

that you don't know
what friendship is?

- You know what? Forget it.
- Aw, come on, it's a joke.

- Well, it must have been
an Irish joke,

because I didn't
like that either.

- What the hell?

- Oh...

I'm very sorry.

I just realized
that was more racist

than anything I've been
complaining about all night.

- What's he doing here?

- He's here
because I invited him.

Because there's only
one way out of this,

and there's only one person
who can save us all.

- Please say Doug Halverson.

- No, James,
It's you.

- Abby, look at me.
He's the Prince of Tape!

.

- Can we make this quick,
please?

And don't try to tempt me

with any more
of that Satan water!

My wife smelled it on my breath

the minute [snaps] I got home!

- It'll be quick, Richard.

I was just thinking
about concerned you always are

about the well-being
of the neighborhood.

- Well, it's my first priority.

- But I worry that you
haven't considered

how an Abby's curfew
might affect you.

- What do you mean?

- James, if you were Richard,

and the bar closed at
9:00 p.m.,

what would you be
worried about?

Come on, James.
You got this.

- Are you sure?
I usually don't.

It's possible I never have.

- Come on. Unleash the very
neurotic dragon.

- Well, I guess I'd be
worried about Sandy.

- Who's Sandy?
- Sandy's in the San Diego

parking enforcement.
She loves it here.

If she's gotta stop
drinkin' at 9:00,

she's gonna get grouchy,

and she could start targeting
this very street.

Now you got a bunch of tickets
that you know nothing about.

You know why?
- Why?

- Because Randy the landscaper
over there's mad

that he can't have his bachelor
party here next week,

so he blows 'em off your car
with his leaf blower.

- Okay...
- So now you got a bunch of

unpaid parking tickets, which
is gonna affect your credit,

which then will affect
your mortgage,

which means you gotta move
into a tiny condo.

- And sell your
prescription wind chimes.

- You never finish
your novel,

andyou're bummed,
so that's why you fall off

the Whole 30 wagon
and start eatin' gluten.

- And your nutritionist
wife leaves you.

- Yeah. So you die alone.
And bloated.

- That seems like a pretty
unlikely scenario.

- Oh, that's just one
scenario.

If you need more scenarios,
baby, I got 'em!

- Nope, James, you can be done.
- Oh, okay, I'm done.

- I guess I didn't realize

how much closing
a few hours earlier

would affect the neighborhood.

Just try to keep it down.

And leave those noise-canceling
headphones on my doorstep.

The expensive ones!

- Wait, stop.

I can't let it
go down like this.

Good-bye, Richard.

Just be sure you text us
when you get home

so we know you're safe,
all right? Bye-bye.

- Whoo!
- Well, now!

- Oh, hello!
- Man!

- Very nice.

- How was your first day,
Mr. Manager?

- Oh, it was scary.

I had to field a call
from Atlanta.

- Oh!
- Well...

- Then somebody asked me
if I wanted something

from Starbucks.
I panicked.

I said a CD.
Nora Jones.

Good.

All in all, today was fine.

- Well, fine is a win, right?

Fine is a win!

- [chanting]
Fine is a win!

Fine is a win!
- All right.

All right, you guys.
Thank you.

And thank you for your
help the other day.

I got you something.
- Aw!

Thanks.

This is really
well-packed.

- Well, you know,
that's what I do.

- Ooh! Tequila!

- That's actually for me,

in case you need
somebody else bounced again.

That's the only way
that's gonna happen.

- Palm trees.

- What?
- You know, palm trees.

- Oh...you're picking up

our conversation
from the other day.

Well, I know I went off
on eucalyptus trees,

but I really hate
palm trees.

- I do too.
They're the worst!

- Good.

I thought that conversation had
a little more left in the tank.

Looks like you chose the right
time to take off the other day.

- You know,
if I leave the bar

without saying good-bye
to you, it just means

that we're close enough
that next time

we can just pick up
where we left off.

- Stride.
This was a stride.

I'm ruining the stride,
aren't I?