All language subtitles for i.think.you.should.leave.with.tim.robinson.s01e01.720p.web.x264-wayne

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,926 Obviously, I'd love to work for you, 2 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,971 and I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. 3 00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:16,349 I... I feel good about it. I hope I didn't do too much talking. 4 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:17,475 No, you were great. 5 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,102 You were great. [giggles] 6 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,939 -I hope to hear from you soon. -We'll be in touch. 7 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,190 Really nice meeting you. 8 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,817 Nice to meet you as well. 9 00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:26,985 Okay. 10 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,321 [door clicks] 11 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,531 Oh! 12 00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,116 Looks like you push. 13 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,744 Oh, it does both. 14 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,454 -What? -It does both. 15 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:40,582 I was here yesterday, and it actually goes both ways. 16 00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:43,418 Oh, okay. 17 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:46,796 Okay, see you. 18 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,091 [menacing music playing] 19 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:52,927 [creaking] 20 00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:00,977 [creaking] 21 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:05,356 [grinding] 22 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,738 [creaking continuing] 23 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,578 [loud creaking] 24 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,539 [climactic music building] 25 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,381 [man] See? 26 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:33,760 Hope to hear from you soon. 27 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:37,597 ["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing] 28 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,647 Have you been the victim of unfair treatment by a business or a corporation? 29 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:46,898 Has this ever happened to you? 30 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,192 You bought a house, it was not disclosed to you 31 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:52,320 that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings, 32 00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:53,988 so you have to take it upon yourself 33 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,449 to call your own termite extermination company, 34 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,243 but when the guys show up, 35 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,286 they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom, 36 00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:04,332 then for over two hours, they take turns going in and out of there, 37 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,127 taking huge mud pies and over-flushing? 38 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,295 Then they go in there together, 39 00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,881 and you hear a bunch of scrounging around, 40 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,716 and then you hear a bunch of yelling, 41 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,636 and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you 42 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,721 that his friend's foot's stuck in the toilet, 43 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,391 and he says, "Help him! You got to help him!" 44 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,059 And when you go in there to help him, 45 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,813 he just pulls it out easily and laughs 'cause his foot wasn't stuck. 46 00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:29,607 It wasn't stuck at all, he was just faking it. 47 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,485 And then they get really serious and say, "It's Turbo time!" 48 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,655 And they both start running around the house as fast as they can 49 00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:37,115 and jumping over the couches. 50 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,909 But when you try and jump in, they yell at you and they say, 51 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,246 "You're not part of the Turbo Team! Don't run! 52 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:46,749 You don't run with us! We're the ones who run! 53 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,127 Until you're part of this Turbo Team, 54 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:52,172 walk... slowly!" 55 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:55,758 So you go and lay down to be by yourself and read your art books, 56 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,886 but then the next day, you went into the bathroom,  57 00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:00,722 and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk. 58 00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:03,474 "How could that be? There's no way  they could have shrunk the toilet." 59 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,894 But then you saw in the trash  60 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,478 a receipt from Home Depot 61 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:10,857 for a toilet the exact same size as yours, 62 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,693 but with a joke hole that's just for farts! 63 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,238 They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet, 64 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,741 and now you can't take a dump in your house 65 00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,576 'cause your toilet can't suck 'em down, 66 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,369 and you feel sick to your stomach! 67 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,829 Has that ever happened to you?! 68 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:26,998 Call me right now, please. 69 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:29,417 ["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing] 70 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,296 [applause] 71 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:39,427 [crooning] ♪ Who will be the Baby of the Year? ♪ 72 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:40,678 ♪ Look at their rolls ♪ 73 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,347 ♪ Look at their folds ♪ 74 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:45,642 ♪ Look at their rummy, bummy tummies ♪ 75 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,436 ♪ Heads are round Bellies are squishy ♪ 76 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,604 [in hard rock style] ♪ Look at their toes ♪ 77 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,648 ♪ Like so many curled canned shrimp ♪ 78 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,066 [crooning] ♪ Are they ticklish? ♪ 79 00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,275 ♪ Are they jigglish? ♪ 80 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,445 ♪ Can they be tricked? Can they be chucked? ♪ 81 00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:58,780 ♪ Which ones will move? ♪ 82 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,114 ♪ Which ones will talk? ♪ 83 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:04,118 ♪ But more important Which ones can dance? ♪ 84 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:11,167 ♪ Oh, who will be Baby of the Year? ♪ 85 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,003 [cheering and applause] 86 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:17,340 [host] Thank you. 87 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,175 Welcome back. 88 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,969 It's been a grueling three months, 89 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,220 but we've narrowed it down 90 00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,014 -to three chubby little babies. -[applause] 91 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,142 From Salisbury, North Carolina, Michael Patrick Porkins. 92 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,936 [cheering and applause] 93 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:33,231 From Luverne, North Dakota, 94 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,108 little Taffy Lee Fubbins. 95 00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:37,193 [applause] 96 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:42,031 And the bad boy of the competition, Bart Harley Jarvis. 97 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,034 -[hard rock music playing] -[audience booing] 98 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,869 Fuck you, Harley Jarvis! 99 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,246 -[booing] -Fuck you, Harley Jarvis! 100 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,623 Get her out! Goddamn it! 101 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:52,875 [clears throat] 102 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,461 Judges, do you need any more information to help with your decision? 103 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,922 I have firmly made up my mind. 104 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,716 I would like more information. 105 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,427 -I'm a wreck right now. -I understand. 106 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,053 This is a hard decision. 107 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,724 Let's hear once again from the babies' pediatrician. 108 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,018 [applause] 109 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,019 [clears throat] 110 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,981 Baby Porkins is 99th percentile 111 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:18,026 in weight and 10th percentile in height. 112 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:19,110 [host chuckles] 113 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,279 We got a certified chode on our hands. 114 00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:22,196 Little tuna can. 115 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,491 Baby Fubbins is also 90th percentile in weight. 116 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,826 Ooh! Another chode. 117 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:31,122 Mr. Jarvis is one of the most aggressive babies I've ever met. 118 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:32,999 -[audience booing] -He has a massive underbite 119 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,126 and completely flat back of the head. 120 00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:37,754 I hope you fucking die, Harley Jarvis! 121 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,340 Get... him... out of here! 122 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,925 I'm honestly done. I don't want to read anymore. 123 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:46,262 Yeah. Don't let it ruin your day, okay? You're still a great doctor. 124 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,682 All right, judges, do you need more time? 125 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,768 It's Porkins by a mile. 126 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,228 -[applause] -The button nose, the apple cheeks... 127 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,105 He's the best baby. 128 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,775 If Taffy Lee Fubbins isn't the Best Baby of the Year, 129 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,693 I'll kill myself on live TV. 130 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:01,944 Stop saying that. 131 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,280 All right, that... That's it. 132 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,698 I have to get this off my chest. 133 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:11,287 "Earlier today, when I was waiting to use the private bathroom, 134 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,956 I witnessed Michael Patrick Porkins' father 135 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,502 performing oral on the mystery judge of the competition." 136 00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:18,544 [audience clamoring] 137 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,174 "I've been conflicted about whether to say anything, 138 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:25,385 because I feel like Michael Patrick Porkins 139 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,470 could win it even without the oral. 140 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,847 His father didn't need to do the oral." 141 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,849 And that is why this is so tough... 142 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:33,935 for me to tell about the oral. 143 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,436 Oh, man, that's a bummer. 144 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,813 Might fuck this whole thing up. 145 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,648 While the judges make their decision, 146 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,234 let's watch our In Memoriam segment. 147 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,151 Oh, no. 148 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,113 Calm down, they're old ones. They don't stay babies forever, idiot. 149 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,573 -[gentle acoustic music playing] -Fucking stupid asshole. 150 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,951 Little Denny Doo Dinkins, 151 00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,994 92, respiratory failure. 152 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,288 Shirley Cratsworth Shane, 153 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,957 78, car crash. 154 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,292 In Memoriams don't usually include how they died. 155 00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,585 Shut up. 156 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,337 Little Jeffy Jeremy, 157 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,673 96, throat slashed. 158 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:04,841 God. 159 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,384 -[glass shatters] -[woman screaming] 160 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,428 Someone get her! She's trying to get Jarvis! 161 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:14,475 All right, you know what? This is dumb. Dump it. Trash it. This one's garbage. 162 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,936 Tiny Dinky Daffy, 163 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,606 92, pancaked by drunk dump truck driver. 164 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:27,029 ["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing] 165 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:31,492 -[camera clicks] -Let me see it. 166 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,204 -Oh, yeah, that's good. That's great. -Thank you. 167 00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,790 -Thank you. Is it cute? -Yeah, so cute. 168 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,375 -Send it to me. -Me too. 169 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,044 Yeah, okay. Sending now. 170 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,171 Okay. 171 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,381 Look what I just posted. 172 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,133 "Brunch with these two dumdums." 173 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:48,468 [woman 2] Oh, my gosh, so good. 174 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,387 Is this good? I said, "Sunday funday with these idiots." 175 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,806 -Yeah, that's good. That's great. So cute. -So cute. 176 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,725 Okay, okay, so cute. Look what I just posted. 177 00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,977 "Eating crap with these sacks of shit. 178 00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,480 If they died tomorrow, no one would shed a tear." 179 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,481 So cute? 180 00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,732 Wait, what the hell? 181 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,651 Well, you called me a dumdum, and she called me an idiot, so... 182 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,321 Yeah, when you post a pic of yourself where you look really cute, 183 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,323 then you have to say something self-deprecating 184 00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:12,283 so it doesn't look like you're just bragging. 185 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,119 Oh! Okay... got it. 186 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,537 -Sorry. -Yeah. 187 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,248 -[clears throat] All right, this is good. -Okay. 188 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,167 "Slapping down some pig shit 189 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,920 with these fat fucks, and I'm the fattest of them all. 190 00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,422 If I died tomorrow, no one would shed a tear. 191 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,175 Load my fricking lard carcass into the mud. 192 00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:32,136 No coffin, please, just wet, wet mud... 193 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,304 bae." 194 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,056 Jesus, Brenda... 195 00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,892 -You called me a dumdum. -Right, it's like a term of endearment. 196 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:41,979 Okay. All right. I got you. 197 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:42,980 -Okay. -Okay. 198 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:46,150 "Gulping down some pig dicks with these bags of meat. 199 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,528 Sunday funday with these pig dicks. 200 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,196 Hope nobody gulps us." 201 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,115 So are we the pig dicks or the bags of meat? 202 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,075 Let me try another. 203 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,661 "Slurping down fish piss with these wet chodes. 204 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,622 Total tuna cans. Put a bullet in their fucking brains 205 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,999 and leave their wet bodies on the side of the road. 206 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,084 Boo caught me sleeping." 207 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,252 You're not sleeping. 208 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:05,920 -Okay, let me try another one. -Okay. 209 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,214 "Sitting here with two bona fide pieces of hog shit." 210 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,882 -No. -[woman 2] Basically the same thing. 211 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:13,344 "They're mad 'cause I won Best Hog at the hog shit snarfing contest, 212 00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,721 but I'm not mad, 'cause we're all loads of beef, 213 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,181 sitting on the side of a highway 214 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,267 getting our butts sucked by flies." 215 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,977 -I tagged you both in that. -Why? 216 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,603 Why are you guys bullying me? 217 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,773 ♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪ 218 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,110 ♪ Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪ 219 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,696 All right, I'm gonna... 220 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,614 -Maybe I'll go for this. -That could be a good one. 221 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,699 -Is this you? -Yeah. 222 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:38,244 Oh, my... This is perfect. 223 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,037 Babe, we were just talking about 224 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,665 how we needed a new salt and pepper shaker set. Remember this? 225 00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,168 -Thank you. This is incredible. -[woman] I'm so glad you like it. 226 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,421 There's a gift receipt in case you want to get something that's... 227 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,548 Won't need it, 'cause this is perfect. 228 00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:51,799 -Thank you. -Happy birthday. 229 00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,217 [man] Thank you. 230 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,636 That one's mine. I forgot to put my name on it. 231 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,846 Cool, all right. 232 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,516 -Cool. -[gift giver] Yeah, it's a wreath. 233 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,893 The guy at the store said he has the same one. 234 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,145 He said it works great. 235 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,772 -Thank you so much, Lev. -Yeah, there's a gift receipt in there 236 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,191 if you want to exchange it for something that's more you. 237 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,610 Okay, cool. Thanks. 238 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:12,528 But you like it? 239 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,031 I like it, Lev. 240 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:16,991 Great. 241 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,329 Then give me back the receipt. 242 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,331 What? 243 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:25,499 Prove it. 244 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,043 You said you like it. 245 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,795 Give me back the gift receipt. 246 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,715 You don't need it anymore. 247 00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,510 -Lev, he likes the gift. -Then he doesn't need the gift receipt. 248 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,346 I'm just gonna put all this stuff together 249 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,473 in the same pile over here, if that's cool? 250 00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:42,350 Okay. 251 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:45,394 Ooh! I think I know who this is from. 252 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,272 If you love it as much as you say you do, 253 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,983 and as much as you have been saying... 254 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:56,030 then it shouldn't be a problem if I take the receipt back. 255 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:58,616 Okay. 256 00:10:59,158 --> 00:10:59,992 Yeah. 257 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:01,410 Here you go. 258 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,328 Jesus. 259 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,456 -Glad you like it. Happy birthday. -Thanks. 260 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,167 Um, let... Let me open... Who...? 261 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,336 -Oh, that one's ours. -All right. 262 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,464 [laughs] 263 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,966 Are you serious? Firefighter pugs? 264 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,677 Honey, we got to put this up on our fridge. 265 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,595 This is incredible! 266 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,014 -We just thought it was cute. -And you'd be fine if I ate it? 267 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,394 -Huh? -The gift receipt. 268 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,688 You'd be fine if I ate it? 269 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,022 Why would you eat it? 270 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,732 You said you liked the gift. 271 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,901 So you wouldn't have any qualms 272 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,529 if I ate the gift receipt and it didn't exist anymore. 273 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,155 Right, Rick? Right, Melissa? 274 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:42,243 Uh... I don't have any qualms. 275 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,203 You can eat it if you like. 276 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,162 Awesome. 277 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,832 Down the hatch, bon appétit. 278 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,551 [Melissa] Should we open another gift? 279 00:11:58,634 --> 00:11:59,593 Ye... Yes. 280 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,262 [chuckles] Yes. 281 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,349 Uh, okay, how about this one? 282 00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:07,727 I think I know what's in this one. 283 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,688 Oh, whoa! 284 00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:13,649 Hey! I just heard an interview of this guy! 285 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,693 This is so interesting. Thank you. 286 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,944 [Lev] I hate to do this, 287 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:20,948 but I'm afraid our gracious host didn't wipe properly. 288 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,617 What are you talking about? 289 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,454 When you went to the bathroom earlier to do the mud pie... 290 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,539 you must have used 291 00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:31,917 too small of a slice of toilet paper when you wiped, 292 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,086 and you got mud pie on your hands, 293 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,796 and then you touched the receipt, 294 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,923 and then I ate the receipt, 295 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,844 -and now I'm sick off of your mud pie. -What the hell are you talking about? 296 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,138 You're probably sick 'cause you ate paper, you fricking psycho. 297 00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:47,016 No, I eat paper all the time! 298 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,810 What I don't like to make a habit of doing 299 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,061 is eating mud pie! 300 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,272 Why do you even eat paper?! That doesn't even make sense! 301 00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,025 Okay, you guys, calm down! This is insane! 302 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,194 There's a simple solution to this. 303 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,656 Jacob hasn't touched my gift receipt because he likes my gift. 304 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,409 So we just have someone else eat my gift receipt 305 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,244 -and see if they get sick. -But it can't be Jacob, 306 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,623 'cause he's gonna pretend he's not sick even if it's caked in pure shit. 307 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:11,999 [Melissa] I'll do it. 308 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,084 I'll eat the receipt to solve the problem. 309 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,878 And Jacob doesn't touch it! 310 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,339 [woman] That's right. And if Melissa gets sick, 311 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,591 then that means that paper makes you sick. 312 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,385 But if Melissa doesn't get sick, 313 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,346 then that means Lev ate the mud pie. 314 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:28,265 There is no mud pies, okay? 315 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,643 And I genuinely like the gifts. 316 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:31,769 Swear to fucking God? 317 00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:33,646 Yes. 318 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,816 Then let my wife eat the fucking receipt. 319 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,108 [murmuring] 320 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,111 Oka... Okay. 321 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,824 I am now sanitizing my hands. I have not gone to the bathroom yet today. 322 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,327 I took a shower last night after I took a piss and shit. 323 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,038 Now... someone hand me the receipt. 324 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,625 Jacob, don't you get anywhere near that! 325 00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,379 [Melissa inhales deeply] 326 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,261 -[Rick] How you doing, honey? -[Melissa] I feel... 327 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,596 fine. 328 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,682 -[partygoers gasp] -Paper doesn't make you sick on its own. 329 00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,809 -He used too small a piece. -Lev's probably not even sick! 330 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,019 -He's probably faking it! -You son of a bitch! 331 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,354 [groans in pain] 332 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,439 [Rick] Jacob was lying about the mud pie. 333 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,275 And if he was lying about something as simple 334 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,776 as grabbing too small a slice, 335 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,945 that probably means he doesn't like the gift either. 336 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,656 -Exactly! -But you liked my gift, right, Jacob? 337 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,533 -Yes! -What about Rick and Melissa's? 338 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,703 You piece of shit! 339 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:32,454 -Rick! -Fuck! 340 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,706 Somebody call 911. 341 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,875 -Oh, my God. -Tell 'em to send an ambulance. 342 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:36,834 Tell 'em it's... 343 00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:39,420 the ugly house on Kenmore. 344 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:43,424 The one where you can see the KFC sign through their front window. 345 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,259 ♪ Happy birthday... ♪ 346 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,844 -[yelling] No! -♪ ...to you--♪ 347 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,889 -Don't let Jacob touch that! -[partygoers gasp] 348 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,516 Everybody, let's get out of here. 349 00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,185 This place is covered head-to-toe in shit. 350 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,396 [footsteps] 351 00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:00,733 [sighs] 352 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,110 [Lev] All you had to do... 353 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,154 was like the gift... 354 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,366 and not have a big old mud pie on the bottom of your butt. 355 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,534 It's not a big deal. 356 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,287 You had a big mud pie, you had too small of a slice, 357 00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:14,955 then I ate the mud pie, 358 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,750 now my stomach's absolutely fucked. 359 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:18,959 [sighs] 360 00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,838 Shouldn't have had such a sloppy mud pie. 361 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,173 Get off me, man. 362 00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:25,382 Fine! 363 00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,553 Nobody likes your house anyway. 364 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,765 [melancholic instrumental music playing] 365 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:35,935 You should know... 366 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,396 your wife kissed me on the cheek when I got here. 367 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,565 Now look at you... 368 00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,317 all alone. 369 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,278 Everybody's going to party at my house. 370 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,073 Happy birthday, Jacob.  371 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:56,914 I just... 372 00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:00,626 I was just trying not to use a ton of paper towel. 373 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,003 I just hope Lev's all right. 374 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,714 Okay, you guys, I've got Lev in my car, so just follow us. 375 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:11,971 Lev, what's your address? 376 00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,391 [screams] 377 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,894 [instrumental music continuing] 26690

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