All language subtitles for You Me Her - 04x03 - The Deaf Leading the Blind Leading the Stupid.aAF.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,891 --> 00:00:04,807 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:04,843 --> 00:00:06,453 And she says that my voice 3 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:09,589 is like nails on the chalkboard of her soul. 4 00:00:10,334 --> 00:00:12,737 - Am I your first patient? - Brian, I quit. 5 00:00:12,769 --> 00:00:14,224 What's going on at Will and Marty's house? 6 00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:16,419 - Oh, that's Binge Club. - Binge Club? 7 00:00:16,435 --> 00:00:18,706 All the stay-at-home parents meet up at Marty's 8 00:00:18,716 --> 00:00:20,401 bingeing the latest and greatest TV shows. 9 00:00:20,462 --> 00:00:23,554 - I want the job. - Helping entitled rich kids with their faux damage? 10 00:00:23,589 --> 00:00:24,788 Oh, I have one condition. 11 00:00:24,798 --> 00:00:26,508 I just need you to admit one student. 12 00:00:26,513 --> 00:00:28,051 Her name is Sasha, and she was homeless 13 00:00:28,066 --> 00:00:29,387 up until two months ago. 14 00:00:29,417 --> 00:00:30,985 Nathan went through a nasty divorce, 15 00:00:31,011 --> 00:00:32,447 and I figured I could give him some support. 16 00:00:32,452 --> 00:00:33,560 She cheated on me. 17 00:00:33,591 --> 00:00:35,191 - Yeah, that happens to the be... - With my brother. 18 00:00:35,215 --> 00:00:38,129 And I'm just trying to purify myself 19 00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:40,856 so that someone might love me. 20 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,995 All I learned is that I loathe listening to people 21 00:00:42,996 --> 00:00:45,453 - whine about their problems. - You like telling people what to do. 22 00:00:45,474 --> 00:00:47,548 Why not do that right here? 23 00:00:47,568 --> 00:00:50,275 You dole out the advice, I dole out the drinks. 24 00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:52,875 - It's the perfect hook for this place. - You'd really do that for me? 25 00:00:52,885 --> 00:00:55,758 Babe, it's win/win. Yeah. Oh! 26 00:01:02,725 --> 00:01:04,399 Great. Thank you. 27 00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:08,298 - Thank you. - So, what's good, sweet child o'mine? 28 00:01:08,353 --> 00:01:11,308 Seems as though this high-school counseling gig is gonna stick. 29 00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,095 Made it two weeks without getting fired, 30 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,862 which means my name is going on the mortgage. 31 00:01:15,907 --> 00:01:18,588 House is just as much mine as it is Jack and Emma's. 32 00:01:18,614 --> 00:01:20,061 That's great, Iz. 33 00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:22,196 You're... You're goin' all in. 34 00:01:22,242 --> 00:01:24,863 Yes. I'm giving your rehab wisdom a shot, 35 00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:26,989 - you know? Trying to love their life. - Good. 36 00:01:27,014 --> 00:01:29,615 And with Emma on a break, I think they actually need me 37 00:01:29,630 --> 00:01:32,989 - to get the loan, as hilarious as that sounds. - Great. 38 00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:35,364 - Well, that must feel good, to be needed. - Yeah. 39 00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:39,528 I mean, Emma keeps repeating "our" and "we" about the babies, 40 00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:41,192 you know, making sure I feel equal. 41 00:01:41,238 --> 00:01:44,063 Dear God, the heartless shrew. 42 00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:47,139 Well, she left a Google search up on her laptop: 43 00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:48,631 "Tri-custody." 44 00:01:48,652 --> 00:01:52,340 It just feels like this is all about softening the blow 45 00:01:52,365 --> 00:01:55,318 for when they tell me they definitely don't want any more kids. 46 00:01:56,547 --> 00:01:58,647 - It's a lot. - Yeah. 47 00:01:58,829 --> 00:02:00,494 Let's, uh, go for a walk. 48 00:02:00,498 --> 00:02:02,958 - Yeah. Walk it off, as they say, hey? - Gotta get to work. 49 00:02:02,966 --> 00:02:04,068 - Yeah, walk this way. - Walk it off. 50 00:02:04,092 --> 00:02:05,383 - Okay. Ready? - Yeah. 51 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,574 - Oh, my... my eyes! - Okay, okay. 52 00:02:14,590 --> 00:02:16,343 - Sorry. - Honest, guys? 53 00:02:17,269 --> 00:02:19,673 I'm, uh, installing the soap dispensers today 54 00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:20,977 if you wanna wash your eyeballs. 55 00:02:21,102 --> 00:02:22,959 You know what? Good on you. 56 00:02:24,169 --> 00:02:27,031 Soak it up while you can, because guess what. 57 00:02:27,068 --> 00:02:30,025 One day real soon, it'll be all about morning sickness 58 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,195 and mortgages and... and block parties 59 00:02:33,199 --> 00:02:34,599 and fucking kale. 60 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:36,454 Okay? There's so much kale. 61 00:02:36,466 --> 00:02:37,939 Like, where has it been all this time? 62 00:02:37,963 --> 00:02:41,509 I'm having nonstop skeletal tremors, and I do not hate it. 63 00:02:41,553 --> 00:02:43,342 - Oh, are you? - You're welcome. 64 00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:44,682 Ugh! Sonofa... 65 00:02:44,807 --> 00:02:47,191 I'm glad somebody's enjoying all this sex. 66 00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:50,441 Emma's biologically occupied with little Jizzy and Jemma. 67 00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,170 Meanwhile, having sex without her 68 00:02:52,186 --> 00:02:55,461 while she's there just feels super-weird. 69 00:02:55,586 --> 00:02:56,687 Jesus. 70 00:02:56,812 --> 00:02:59,157 I've heard worse names on "Teen Mom Appalachia." 71 00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:01,222 - Bye, Shaun. - No, I don't get to hear any more 72 00:03:01,227 --> 00:03:02,405 - about Izzy's sad life? - Bye. 73 00:03:02,426 --> 00:03:04,716 No. 74 00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:07,481 She's gotta leave the house at some point, right? 75 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,629 Oh, she did join this daycare co-op down the street. 76 00:03:10,644 --> 00:03:13,310 She abducted Carmen's kids so they'd let her in, so... 77 00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:15,394 Oh, problem solved: Just text Jack, 78 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,894 pull a naughty nooner, ooh, la, and la. 79 00:03:17,914 --> 00:03:19,174 - Yeah. Uh... - Hmm? 80 00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,446 Oh, God. You guys are lame. 81 00:03:21,506 --> 00:03:23,272 Seriously, you need poly therapy. 82 00:03:23,308 --> 00:03:26,039 You're like the deaf leading the blind leading the stupid. 83 00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:28,759 C'mon. That's not a thing, "poly therapy." 84 00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:32,600 Hey, Siri, find, uh, "Poly Therapists, Portland." 85 00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:34,983 Here's what I found on the Web for "Poly Therapist." 86 00:03:35,012 --> 00:03:36,072 Hm. Oh. 87 00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:38,707 - There's 8 of 'em. - Stop looking so smug, 88 00:03:38,723 --> 00:03:41,941 chick-who-tossed-away eight-years-of-education- 89 00:03:41,961 --> 00:03:43,916 five-minutes-into-her-fourth-session. 90 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,298 - Oh! Oh, no, you didn't! - Yeah, I did. 91 00:03:46,299 --> 00:03:48,036 - All right, I'm still a therapist, okay? - Mm-hmm. 92 00:03:48,052 --> 00:03:50,761 In fact, you're, uh... You're leaning on my office right now. 93 00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,562 - What? - Mm-hmm. 94 00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:55,225 Mm. Yeah, give me $5, and I'll cure you right up. 95 00:03:56,844 --> 00:03:58,556 No, I'm serious. Give me $5. 96 00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:02,785 I don't know why I do this with you. 97 00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,311 Honestly, every time, it's like... 98 00:04:04,332 --> 00:04:06,343 - I don't have a $5. - Yeah. 99 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,428 I'm a hot female bartender under 30. 100 00:04:08,444 --> 00:04:10,658 - People tip me for existing. - Go on, then. 101 00:04:10,691 --> 00:04:15,474 Um, polyamory by its most fundamental definition rejects monogamy. 102 00:04:15,486 --> 00:04:16,519 Well, duh. 103 00:04:16,552 --> 00:04:18,520 Yeah, I mean, you guys are what is derisively known 104 00:04:18,523 --> 00:04:20,759 - as "polymonogamists." - That's a thing? 105 00:04:20,779 --> 00:04:24,195 Uh, according to the preemptive Portland poly authority, 106 00:04:24,224 --> 00:04:28,077 you guys are trying to jam your pervy, triangular-shaped peg 107 00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:30,242 into the round hole that is suburban monogamy, 108 00:04:30,259 --> 00:04:32,825 and you're doomed to break one, the other, or both. 109 00:04:33,586 --> 00:04:35,338 You're so dumb. 110 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:37,554 - That's, like... - Dumb? 111 00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:40,326 So... 112 00:04:40,857 --> 00:04:43,731 - dumb. - Well said. Scathing. 113 00:04:43,771 --> 00:04:44,844 Very convincing. 114 00:04:44,859 --> 00:04:46,099 - Mm-hmm. - Mm. 115 00:04:46,224 --> 00:04:49,478 "Polymonogamy." That's so... 116 00:04:51,471 --> 00:04:53,424 dumb. 117 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,541 Emma. 118 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:06,969 - And Emma's practice kids! Hey! - Hi! 119 00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,633 - Mwah! Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! 120 00:05:08,665 --> 00:05:10,207 - Oh, okay. - Hey, kiddies. 121 00:05:10,264 --> 00:05:11,935 Okay. Go play, girls. 122 00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:13,488 Madame President! 123 00:05:13,489 --> 00:05:14,728 Oh, me? 124 00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:17,298 It only took her two weeks to get elected to a position 125 00:05:17,330 --> 00:05:19,820 - we didn't deem necessary until she showed up! - Oh! 126 00:05:19,823 --> 00:05:21,369 - Thank you. Thank you. - So impressive! 127 00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,895 Oh, my gosh. I am... 128 00:05:23,251 --> 00:05:25,328 I am so flattered. Thank you. 129 00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:26,862 Shiraz for everyone, yeah? 130 00:05:26,902 --> 00:05:28,157 - Yeah. - Cool. 131 00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:29,707 I accept. 132 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,816 Come on. Is there a place in this building 133 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,050 that you haven't prepped for spontaneous sex? 134 00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:39,144 - Gross. - Dude is seriously next-level, 135 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,836 which is obviously awesome, but also terrifying 136 00:05:41,871 --> 00:05:44,455 in ways I don't even understand. 137 00:05:46,371 --> 00:05:48,091 Really? "Strut"? 138 00:05:48,123 --> 00:05:50,482 Seriously? God. 139 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,302 Even his antiperspirant is cocky now. 140 00:05:54,997 --> 00:05:58,324 So, Shaun's now suddenly your boss and a sex ninja 141 00:05:58,362 --> 00:06:00,430 while you're stuck in your quarter-life crisis goop. 142 00:06:00,449 --> 00:06:03,447 That's a big-ass shift in the power dynamic. That's rough. 143 00:06:03,519 --> 00:06:05,982 No, that guy worships the ground I walk on, okay? 144 00:06:05,997 --> 00:06:07,894 And rightfully so, I might add. 145 00:06:07,899 --> 00:06:09,675 I don't know. He's been twinkling 146 00:06:09,695 --> 00:06:12,042 like a ginger-hued shootin' star these days. 147 00:06:12,088 --> 00:06:14,622 Well, even suns become big, black empty holes. 148 00:06:15,325 --> 00:06:19,524 Yeah, until they gradually devour everything around them. 149 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,276 - Comfy, right? - Yeah, it's nice. 150 00:06:22,401 --> 00:06:25,483 Yeah, it's nice. It's, um... It's one of our special places. 151 00:06:25,608 --> 00:06:27,412 - Gross! - We really broke it in. 152 00:06:27,476 --> 00:06:29,652 Okay, well, I'm just gonna hurry up and burn these clothes 153 00:06:29,676 --> 00:06:33,689 before I have to meet Nathan. We grab smoothies before work, okay? 154 00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:35,049 - Alert TMZ. - Mm. 155 00:06:35,055 --> 00:06:37,433 Aren't you two gettin' real chummy real fast? 156 00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:38,792 Whatever. 157 00:06:38,811 --> 00:06:40,374 He helped me, so I'm helping him. 158 00:06:40,406 --> 00:06:41,785 I give him "homework assignments" 159 00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:44,289 to pop that post-divorce stick out of his ass. 160 00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:47,310 Like, this morning, he has to order a smoothie with a stupid name. 161 00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:49,339 And how cute is that? 162 00:06:49,637 --> 00:06:51,337 Stop making it something it's not, okay? 163 00:06:51,368 --> 00:06:53,320 He's a wounded bird. He just needs a friend. 164 00:06:53,391 --> 00:06:56,193 Interesting. And does he also dig pizza and downtown? 165 00:06:56,213 --> 00:06:59,214 Does he, um... Does he want precisely three children? 166 00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:00,812 Zeppelin over Stones? 167 00:07:02,178 --> 00:07:04,025 At least one of those things is true. 168 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,468 - You're test-driving him, hmm? - Neen? 169 00:07:06,528 --> 00:07:08,092 Neen?! 170 00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,831 Master's calling. 171 00:07:09,857 --> 00:07:11,041 You better go. 172 00:07:14,961 --> 00:07:16,342 Oh, boy. 173 00:07:26,537 --> 00:07:28,859 Hey. I should probably lead with the fact 174 00:07:28,869 --> 00:07:30,145 that I sold our children. 175 00:07:30,169 --> 00:07:31,510 Closet didn't work out. 176 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,119 Made an executive decision. 177 00:07:33,139 --> 00:07:34,464 Wow. Okay. 178 00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:37,204 Well, can I say this now that they're no longer in the picture? 179 00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,484 They were too loud. 180 00:07:38,535 --> 00:07:40,867 So much unmotivated vocalizing. 181 00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:43,221 And they don't know anything about anything. They don't read. 182 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:46,380 They don't travel. They're... They're useless at trivia night. 183 00:07:46,635 --> 00:07:47,991 I'm still in bed, by the way. 184 00:07:48,031 --> 00:07:49,861 Oh, you masturbate to "Fluppies"? 185 00:07:49,885 --> 00:07:52,633 - That's not weird. - I hadn't thought of that yet, but no. 186 00:07:52,664 --> 00:07:55,583 I'm trying to re-create the last time inspiration struck. 187 00:07:55,588 --> 00:07:57,339 I'm confident the second book 188 00:07:57,464 --> 00:08:00,070 is at the bottom of this glass of Rosé. I can feel it. 189 00:08:00,090 --> 00:08:04,034 - Oh, well, I'm happy one of us gets to... - I miss you. 190 00:08:04,957 --> 00:08:06,519 - Really? - Yeah. 191 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,170 I mean, I might be a little morning drunk, 192 00:08:08,177 --> 00:08:10,061 as it is commonly known. 193 00:08:10,099 --> 00:08:11,933 But is it? Is it really? 194 00:08:11,946 --> 00:08:13,679 I just can't stop thinking about you. 195 00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:16,329 Or the kid or home. You know. 196 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,662 Or you. 197 00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:22,993 Dave, I have a... 198 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,928 I have a confession. 199 00:08:26,483 --> 00:08:28,456 It's been... 200 00:08:28,931 --> 00:08:34,615 really hard watching you live your best Chrissy Teigen life 201 00:08:34,653 --> 00:08:38,745 while the local diddly-fuck journalism association 202 00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:40,826 won't even toss me a craft shop plaque. 203 00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:43,533 Getting beat out by Oregon Poultry Life 204 00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:46,151 is a hard chicken nugget to swallow. 205 00:08:46,796 --> 00:08:49,604 Really? Poultry Life, chicken nugget, 206 00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:51,202 hard to swallow? 207 00:08:51,528 --> 00:08:53,307 Nothing? Dave? Are you still there? 208 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:56,320 Honey! My... My breakfast dessert is here. Will you please hold? 209 00:08:56,356 --> 00:08:59,467 Please hold. ♪ Ba-da-bup, da-da, bup-ba ♪ 210 00:08:59,503 --> 00:09:01,932 ♪ Ba-dup, ba-ba-ba, be-bup-bup ♪ 211 00:09:03,353 --> 00:09:04,507 Hm. 212 00:09:05,038 --> 00:09:06,839 Breakfast dessert. Yeah. 213 00:09:07,269 --> 00:09:08,964 Love breakfast dessert. 214 00:09:13,669 --> 00:09:15,794 Oh, my God. 215 00:09:15,824 --> 00:09:17,190 I'm broken. 216 00:09:17,231 --> 00:09:18,637 I can't with this show. 217 00:09:18,653 --> 00:09:20,171 - It broke me. - Ugh! 218 00:09:20,191 --> 00:09:21,642 Actually, if everyone could just put down their 219 00:09:21,652 --> 00:09:23,863 "Who We Are and Who We Aren't" 220 00:09:23,884 --> 00:09:26,074 discussion binders for a minute, I have, um... 221 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,665 Ooh! I have something important to say. 222 00:09:28,992 --> 00:09:31,648 First, thank you for making me your president. 223 00:09:31,673 --> 00:09:34,203 - And as president... - Polly likes to say president. 224 00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,378 Bawk! Polly likes to say president. 225 00:09:36,423 --> 00:09:39,861 Very clever, Will. I will never tire of your parrot jokes. 226 00:09:39,986 --> 00:09:42,881 Anyway, I always assume that as "stay-at-home moms," 227 00:09:42,917 --> 00:09:45,877 you'd given up on your dreams, your careers, 228 00:09:45,897 --> 00:09:48,093 proper fashion, fitness... 229 00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:51,851 but I realize I didn't know "Who You Are" at all. 230 00:09:51,881 --> 00:09:54,016 And, today, when Sebastian revealed... 231 00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:56,444 When Sebastian revealed to Chloe 232 00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:58,427 that he wore those off-brand polo tops 233 00:09:58,442 --> 00:10:00,208 because his deceased wife bought them... 234 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,989 Rest in peace, Agnes! 235 00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:04,790 - I can't believe it. - ... I realized how judge-y I'd been. 236 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,517 And I owe you all an apology. 237 00:10:07,642 --> 00:10:12,358 I have gotten to know each and every one of you, 238 00:10:12,409 --> 00:10:16,710 and I see how truly unique and accomplished you are. 239 00:10:16,745 --> 00:10:18,212 Michelle. 240 00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:20,828 I always thought those homemade relish trays 241 00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:23,236 you brought to every single neighborhood event 242 00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:26,398 was a little bit tired, but I had never tried it. 243 00:10:26,444 --> 00:10:30,335 Your cranberry-pickle next-levels a Brie like nothing else. 244 00:10:30,649 --> 00:10:31,990 Audrey. 245 00:10:32,931 --> 00:10:34,995 I thought your choice of Crocs 246 00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:36,296 for the Christmas party was... 247 00:10:36,421 --> 00:10:38,097 well, frankly, a call for help. 248 00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:40,313 But I now realize that plantar fasciitis 249 00:10:40,343 --> 00:10:41,978 is the price you paid for late nights 250 00:10:41,998 --> 00:10:43,496 walking the halls with a colic-y baby 251 00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:45,070 and those long days petitioning 252 00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:48,237 for that life-saving "Slow Children at Play" sign, 253 00:10:48,242 --> 00:10:51,354 which, you know, could be misinterpreted. It probably is. 254 00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:54,131 But most definitely saves lives. 255 00:10:54,157 --> 00:10:55,644 Yeah. Needs a comma. 256 00:10:55,674 --> 00:10:57,946 Do something. She's going full Kanye. 257 00:10:57,966 --> 00:11:00,637 - Well... - You've all been so helpful 258 00:11:00,652 --> 00:11:02,376 and welcoming with "my" kids. 259 00:11:02,392 --> 00:11:05,134 And my version of success was too tied up 260 00:11:05,154 --> 00:11:07,243 in titles and money, 261 00:11:07,279 --> 00:11:09,125 - and I really... - Money and titles! 262 00:11:09,171 --> 00:11:10,947 That is a wonderful speech. 263 00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,430 - That's what you need to be. - Whoo! 264 00:11:12,475 --> 00:11:14,909 - I... I... I was just getting started. - We know. We know. 265 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,168 - We're just... It's... - Thank you. 266 00:11:16,188 --> 00:11:17,908 We're just gonna go to the next episode now. 267 00:11:22,144 --> 00:11:23,859 Uh, my name. 268 00:11:24,527 --> 00:11:25,974 Mike. 269 00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:27,780 Ahk. 270 00:11:31,115 --> 00:11:32,562 Yep. 271 00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:35,673 Okay. 272 00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:38,957 Thank you. 273 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,441 - See? You survived. - Yeah. 274 00:11:41,471 --> 00:11:43,328 Her disapproval gutted me. 275 00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:45,751 You know, I have four meal subscriptions 276 00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:48,412 because the cold callers were all woman I didn't want to disappoint? 277 00:11:51,023 --> 00:11:53,496 Okay, so... 278 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,604 Your next "Izzy-Does- Hawthorne" assignment. 279 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,798 - Mm-hmm. - Organize a suburban gathering. 280 00:11:59,818 --> 00:12:02,530 - Oh. - Block party, uh, baby shower, 281 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,056 clam bake, your call, 282 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,204 but there must be at least three mayonnaise-based salads... 283 00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:09,645 - Mm. - ... and I will need to see 284 00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:11,511 the aggressively dorky E-vite. 285 00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,704 Mm-hmm. I assume you'll be in attendance 286 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,712 to verify that it's all suitably humiliating? 287 00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,703 Uh, I'll show up if... if you promise 288 00:12:18,715 --> 00:12:22,317 to get the, uh, Housewife Wedge with that lump in... 289 00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:24,289 on the crown, yeah. 290 00:12:24,564 --> 00:12:26,073 - Well, the joke's on you... - Oh? 291 00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:27,891 ... because I've always wanted that haircut. 292 00:12:27,943 --> 00:12:29,421 - Oh. - Also, I'm already planning 293 00:12:29,437 --> 00:12:31,202 the EJI Anniversary Party, so... 294 00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:32,776 - Edgy? - Yeah, EJI. 295 00:12:32,796 --> 00:12:34,205 - Hmm. - Emma-Jack-Izzy. 296 00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:36,278 - Oh. - I have a tattoo on my ass. You wanna see it? 297 00:12:36,302 --> 00:12:37,856 No. No, because that, you know. 298 00:12:37,876 --> 00:12:39,746 Uh, I can't believe I'm saying this, 299 00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,899 but, uh, I don't need evidence of your poor choices. 300 00:12:42,911 --> 00:12:44,777 You kind of radiate their collective sum. 301 00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:45,939 - Shut up. - Ow. 302 00:12:45,943 --> 00:12:47,719 My Cock? 303 00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:49,403 Thank you. 304 00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,123 Your next assignment 305 00:12:51,131 --> 00:12:54,600 is inappropriate day drinking before 5:00 p.m. 306 00:12:54,626 --> 00:12:57,630 Uh, you do know I am the vice principal 307 00:12:57,635 --> 00:13:00,058 of a very prestigious private school, right? 308 00:13:00,183 --> 00:13:02,698 - Right? - Well, we work exclusively with teenagers. 309 00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:04,839 So how is that not a reason to drink? 310 00:13:05,046 --> 00:13:06,240 Fair. 311 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,138 - Mm... - All right, come on, Mike Ahk. 312 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,262 That's my name! 313 00:13:16,677 --> 00:13:18,283 You feeling it? You feeling it? 314 00:13:18,466 --> 00:13:20,198 There's a dead animal on the wall. 315 00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:22,894 Straight razors, strong black coffee. 316 00:13:23,076 --> 00:13:25,464 Upstairs there's a tequila bar/boxing club. 317 00:13:25,496 --> 00:13:27,026 - Made a reservation. - Mm. 318 00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:28,398 If there was an aerial photo of this place, 319 00:13:28,410 --> 00:13:30,482 it'd be shaped like a turgid penis. 320 00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:31,935 Or should be. 321 00:13:32,752 --> 00:13:34,404 Uh, coffee. Black. 322 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,131 I'll have a medium roast, if you have it. 323 00:13:37,402 --> 00:13:38,726 Light and sweet. 324 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,369 Also, agave, 'cause I usually have... 325 00:13:42,494 --> 00:13:43,756 Um, anything but stevia, 326 00:13:43,757 --> 00:13:47,441 'cause that really makes my stomach turn into... What? 327 00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:49,505 Um... do you not... 328 00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,427 - Mm. - Uh, black is fine. 329 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,759 - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Just black. 330 00:13:54,791 --> 00:13:57,835 Well, this Nathan dude clearly isn't the solution 331 00:13:57,855 --> 00:14:01,293 to your inability to relate to other men who aren't equally effeminate. 332 00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:04,198 Nathan's a good guy. He just needs an ear and a shoulder, 333 00:14:04,213 --> 00:14:05,610 and I happen to have two of both. 334 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,202 That's the problem right there: We're not "women." 335 00:14:07,226 --> 00:14:08,780 We don't "listen" to each other. 336 00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:11,285 We wage battle until we know the sweet peace 337 00:14:11,302 --> 00:14:13,236 of occupying our rightful place in the hierarchy. 338 00:14:13,248 --> 00:14:14,956 That's what we do. Right? 339 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,818 You know, this joint may be hipster bullshit, 340 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,007 and this guy's attempt to stare us down laughable... 341 00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:23,112 Excuse me, pal? You wanna go a few rounds? 342 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,973 So fucking much. Let's do it. Wanna do it? 343 00:14:24,978 --> 00:14:27,230 Let's do it. You wanna fucking do it? 344 00:14:27,306 --> 00:14:28,662 Well... 345 00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:31,248 - I'm working right now, so... - Thought so. 346 00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:35,736 Damn. 347 00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:39,892 Punk's like 25 and works out. 348 00:14:39,896 --> 00:14:42,138 He could take me without breaking a sweat. It's just all about these. 349 00:14:42,162 --> 00:14:44,056 I know. You have an intimidating face. 350 00:14:44,076 --> 00:14:45,076 - Just like this, right? - Yeah. 351 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,324 But hold on a second. See them? 352 00:14:46,513 --> 00:14:47,581 - Yeah. - Right? 353 00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,078 You know, Dad used to do that. 354 00:14:49,544 --> 00:14:50,681 Mm. 355 00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:52,268 I just want, like, someday, 356 00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:54,425 for my girls to see me be able to do that, you know? 357 00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:57,121 I've been thinking about Dad a lot lately. 358 00:14:59,626 --> 00:15:01,666 - What? - What? What what? 359 00:15:01,691 --> 00:15:03,609 No. What? 360 00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:05,661 Just... 361 00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:07,219 he was such a cool guy, you know? 362 00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:09,373 Like, he could just attract friends like flies. 363 00:15:09,405 --> 00:15:11,732 Every weekend, the basement was packed. 364 00:15:11,914 --> 00:15:13,428 How do you become a guy like that? 365 00:15:13,436 --> 00:15:15,278 For starters, no more Nathan. That's one. 366 00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:18,803 Ehh. Well, he's hanging out with Izzy more, anyway. 367 00:15:19,216 --> 00:15:21,191 They've been working together for like two weeks, 368 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,276 and they're already giving each other "homework assignments." 369 00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,429 - Ooh! - She's making him less pathetic, 370 00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:27,792 and he's making her more suburban, so it works out. 371 00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:29,824 How playful. 372 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,179 A little back and forth, a little note passing. 373 00:15:32,227 --> 00:15:33,720 Fuck you. They're just friends. 374 00:15:33,753 --> 00:15:35,401 Yeah? Like "Harry Met Sally"? 375 00:15:35,405 --> 00:15:37,040 Like those kind of friends? How'd that end again? 376 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:38,857 Mm, I don't know. I don't watch Rom-coms, 377 00:15:38,869 --> 00:15:41,246 - 'cause I'm not a girl. - Nice. Well played. 378 00:15:41,278 --> 00:15:43,104 - Yeah. - Yeah. Well, learned from the best. 379 00:15:43,439 --> 00:15:44,925 Nathan and I went to this... 380 00:15:44,954 --> 00:15:46,149 - You're gonna love this. - Okay. 381 00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:49,024 It was an all-male "emotional recovery circle." 382 00:15:49,043 --> 00:15:50,411 You know, "emotional recovery groups" 383 00:15:50,431 --> 00:15:51,564 are part of the plot by women 384 00:15:51,588 --> 00:15:52,733 to make all men their gay best friends, 385 00:15:52,757 --> 00:15:54,862 - and that's the truth. - You sound like Mom. 386 00:15:55,044 --> 00:15:56,441 And Alex Jones. 387 00:15:56,469 --> 00:15:57,696 But mostly Mom. 388 00:15:58,979 --> 00:16:00,193 Yeah, well, you know Mom was trying 389 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,586 to help you the only way she knew how, right? 390 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,143 Okay. Says the guy that she refers to as her only son. 391 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,678 What is it? What is that look? 392 00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:09,019 - What? - You're... Pshh! 393 00:16:09,085 --> 00:16:11,371 What is up with these expressions 394 00:16:11,399 --> 00:16:13,216 of flickering humanity that I'm seeing in your face? 395 00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:14,544 It's really throwing me off. 396 00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,952 Trakarsky and Trakarsky, you're up! 397 00:16:17,624 --> 00:16:19,752 Hey, you ready to let me knock some man into you? Hey? 398 00:16:19,764 --> 00:16:22,148 Oh, no. Hey, you serious? You thought we were boxing? 399 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,617 I'm going home for a nooner with Izzy. 400 00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,195 - What? - Yeah. Well, technically, 401 00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,799 it's an after-school special. We're trying to figure out if we can 402 00:16:28,823 --> 00:16:30,494 have sex in twos. 403 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:31,961 Well, I'm sure that made sense to you. 404 00:16:31,985 --> 00:16:33,191 It does. 405 00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:35,557 Anyway, good luck. Maybe you can punch yourself in the face 406 00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,507 - and knock some sense in yourself? - Ooh! 407 00:16:37,632 --> 00:16:39,274 - And he leaves with a bang. - Zinger! 408 00:16:39,305 --> 00:16:40,913 All right, nice. 409 00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:48,255 Hi. It's Emma Trakarsky. 410 00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:49,671 Please leave a message, your number, 411 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:50,739 and I will call you back. 412 00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:52,530 Hey, Em, it's Gabe. 413 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,412 We need to talk. 414 00:16:59,076 --> 00:17:01,019 So, it's your protégé's first day? 415 00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,307 Yeah. I'm actually kind of nervous for her. 416 00:17:02,315 --> 00:17:03,599 - Hey! - Hi. 417 00:17:03,821 --> 00:17:05,269 - Hey! - Hi! 418 00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:09,402 Oh. Dang. You are the most popular girl in school. 419 00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,532 Well, it makes up for my actual high-school experience. Hey! 420 00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:14,811 Where the jock chicks called me Dizzy Silva 421 00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,345 and dumped slushies down my back, so... 422 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,406 - Hey! - Huh. 423 00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:19,248 Freaks, geeks, and cheerleader villains? 424 00:17:19,258 --> 00:17:21,064 Kind of a tropey adolescence, Iz. 425 00:17:21,084 --> 00:17:23,128 That's Dr. Silva to you, Gabriel. 426 00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:26,624 Ohh-kay. 427 00:17:47,197 --> 00:17:48,821 For the record, I'm not stoned, 428 00:17:48,841 --> 00:17:52,150 but is she walking in actual slow motion? 429 00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:55,383 Excuse me. 430 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,875 I'll, um... 431 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,707 Orientation. 432 00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,788 My office. Now. 433 00:18:05,983 --> 00:18:08,093 - Ow! - Hello. 434 00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:11,988 Sit down. 435 00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:17,148 Orientation is quite the set things... 436 00:18:17,173 --> 00:18:19,788 Okay, so, here's the dealio, okay? 437 00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:23,360 We're gonna go ahead and tone down this lovely ensemble 438 00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,232 from the Shirley Manson Kmart collection, 439 00:18:25,247 --> 00:18:27,614 and please tell me that this anime hair is temporary. 440 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,810 Izzy. I really appreciate 441 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,960 everything that you have done for me, 442 00:18:32,026 --> 00:18:33,781 but New Girl Status has a shelf life 443 00:18:33,802 --> 00:18:36,433 of roughly two weeks, so it's ride or die. 444 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:37,677 What are you talking about? 445 00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:40,059 Hawthorne is chill, so you chill. 446 00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:43,991 I'm digging the groovy intolerance-for-intolerance vibe, 447 00:18:44,047 --> 00:18:46,324 but high-school hierarchy is eternal and real, 448 00:18:46,339 --> 00:18:47,811 and it's comin' for me. 449 00:18:47,821 --> 00:18:50,174 I don't have a response for that, so, just, whatever. 450 00:18:50,204 --> 00:18:52,116 Find somebody to be your ambassador 451 00:18:52,152 --> 00:18:53,705 and show you around, okay? 452 00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:55,708 Hey. 453 00:18:55,728 --> 00:18:59,057 I was just coming in to pick up this month's Off Campus Pass. 454 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,291 You've never done that before. 455 00:19:00,416 --> 00:19:02,245 You know, I'm an off-campus kinda guy. 456 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,612 Always doing cool off-campus kinda stuff. 457 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:08,062 Hey, are you the new girl? I... I didn't see you come in. 458 00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:11,078 Oh, hey. Off Campus Guy, right? 459 00:19:11,093 --> 00:19:14,175 - Yeah, New Girl. - Oh, my God. Just show her around. 460 00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:15,652 Yes! 461 00:19:15,777 --> 00:19:17,013 C'mon, handsome. 462 00:19:17,069 --> 00:19:19,725 Sasha. Just... Mm... 463 00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,729 Okay, Sash... 464 00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,851 That doesn't even make any sense. 465 00:19:34,789 --> 00:19:36,138 Hey, babe! 466 00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,785 Is it me, or do these kick-ass new glasses 467 00:19:38,815 --> 00:19:40,905 scream out for artisanal hot dogs? 468 00:19:41,507 --> 00:19:43,410 Babe, do artisanal hot dogs exist, 469 00:19:43,425 --> 00:19:46,157 or did I just come up with my new business? 470 00:19:46,401 --> 00:19:48,858 You know what? That is it, mister! 471 00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:51,995 What, did something bad happen to you involving high-class wieners? 472 00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,947 Just because you're suddenly an entrepreneur 473 00:19:53,957 --> 00:19:55,272 with a magical penis doesn't mean 474 00:19:55,292 --> 00:19:57,205 that you're the new sheriff in town. Capisce? 475 00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:59,395 Not in the slightest. No capisce-ing over here. 476 00:19:59,416 --> 00:20:01,252 Get me a beer! Now! 477 00:20:01,288 --> 00:20:03,049 Is that clear enough? 478 00:20:17,776 --> 00:20:19,880 You... You were serious? 479 00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:22,713 - You actually named the bar "Therapy"? - I actually did. 480 00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:24,651 And you're the star attraction. 481 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,455 Huh. 482 00:20:28,899 --> 00:20:31,012 Ahh! Oh. 483 00:20:34,629 --> 00:20:36,241 - Mm. - Mm. 484 00:20:36,292 --> 00:20:37,696 Getting good, huh? 485 00:20:37,753 --> 00:20:40,156 Firm. Yet gentle. 486 00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:41,594 What? Uh... 487 00:20:41,645 --> 00:20:43,997 What's going on here? What's with that face? 488 00:20:44,498 --> 00:20:45,733 How... How's that? 489 00:20:45,748 --> 00:20:48,940 Uh, you named the bar after me, you just fetched me a beer, 490 00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:50,721 and now you're massaging my feet, so... 491 00:20:50,756 --> 00:20:53,831 - what's with the cocky demeanor, huh? - Uh... 492 00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:56,482 Oh, God. 493 00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:59,249 Oh, God, you're topping me from the bottom. 494 00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:00,843 - Am I supposed to know what that means? - Oh, please! 495 00:21:00,863 --> 00:21:02,168 That's street-level S&M 496 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:05,087 for a slave who subtly and insidiously seizes control! 497 00:21:08,315 --> 00:21:10,081 I'm onto you, Topper. 498 00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:17,524 I mean, how did I not think this was gonna get weird? 499 00:21:19,819 --> 00:21:21,885 Up here, we got the "Contour Club." 500 00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:24,380 If you could see through their eyes, we're not even here. 501 00:21:24,769 --> 00:21:26,934 From there, we've got the approachable J-Law version, 502 00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:30,091 "Chill Chicks." Running laterally, we've got the "Meme Trash," 503 00:21:30,111 --> 00:21:31,562 and the "Woke Pixie Girls." 504 00:21:31,603 --> 00:21:33,975 Then we have the "Sporty Spices," the "Cybergoths," 505 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:36,039 and, finally, "The SadGirlz." 506 00:21:36,079 --> 00:21:38,999 And, uh, sexually, it's best not to identify with anyone or anything. 507 00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,905 Oh, I actually did my homework on this one. 508 00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:43,884 Basically everyone's pansexual now, right? 509 00:21:43,934 --> 00:21:45,806 So fucking cool. 510 00:21:46,299 --> 00:21:48,626 Yeah, #MeToo. 511 00:21:49,372 --> 00:21:51,472 Sorry. Appropriation foul. 512 00:21:51,597 --> 00:21:53,028 Get woke. 513 00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,058 You're pan? 514 00:21:55,121 --> 00:21:58,701 Some people don't see color. I don't see anything. 515 00:21:58,997 --> 00:22:01,553 Not like I'm legally blind. I just... I... 516 00:22:01,932 --> 00:22:03,779 Uh, yes, I'm pan. 517 00:22:03,811 --> 00:22:05,335 Really? 518 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,353 - Cool. - Yeah, it is. 519 00:22:08,783 --> 00:22:11,483 Hey, Alex! What's up? 520 00:22:11,768 --> 00:22:14,747 Oh. Gabriel, right? 521 00:22:14,797 --> 00:22:16,891 Always joshing, this one. 522 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:18,908 That's... That's why we call him the Josher. 523 00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,583 Yeah, it's... it's a bit of a placeholder. 524 00:22:21,596 --> 00:22:23,419 But, hey, have you seen "Alex Strangelove" yet? 525 00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:26,386 Oh, it was so awesome. It was super-cathartic. 526 00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:28,627 So there for it. So stoked. 527 00:22:28,673 --> 00:22:30,626 What's your favorite part? 528 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,741 You know, the part where they finally... 529 00:22:35,866 --> 00:22:37,577 - kissed? - Oh, at the prom! 530 00:22:37,608 --> 00:22:39,196 That was... That was so peak. 531 00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:41,200 So peak. Best scene ever. 532 00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:42,667 Wow. Okay. 533 00:22:42,733 --> 00:22:45,936 Kind of an "Alex Strangelove" super-fan, aren't ya? 534 00:22:47,489 --> 00:22:49,528 I'd... I'd see it again. 535 00:22:56,565 --> 00:22:58,048 Take off your pants. 536 00:22:58,079 --> 00:23:00,510 - Ask nicely. - Maybe I wasn't asking. 537 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,604 Oh, Mister Fiftyshades... 538 00:23:07,630 --> 00:23:09,950 Oh, that's not my character's name, but I like the accent. 539 00:23:09,990 --> 00:23:12,480 - Take off your clothes. - What does it look like I'm doing? 540 00:23:12,508 --> 00:23:13,975 - Do it faster. - I don't know, man. 541 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,934 If I do it any faster, it's gonna look a little cartoonish. 542 00:23:20,437 --> 00:23:21,904 Absolutely not. 543 00:23:22,029 --> 00:23:23,998 Maybe that's the way I'm taking off my belt now, 544 00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:25,591 - like I really mean it. - Is it? 545 00:23:25,623 --> 00:23:27,305 No. 546 00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:31,062 This was such a good idea. 547 00:23:31,069 --> 00:23:33,532 Emma's perfectly happy at Binge Club. 548 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,558 - She did insist? - Yeah, I mean, she... 549 00:23:36,614 --> 00:23:38,451 I mean, she really strongly suggested it. 550 00:23:38,486 --> 00:23:40,889 Okay. No, but did she mean it? 551 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,431 Like, was she just trying to tell us 552 00:23:42,436 --> 00:23:43,706 what we wanted to hear, or... 553 00:23:43,746 --> 00:23:45,674 - Yes? - Oh, no. We're losing it. 554 00:23:45,689 --> 00:23:46,979 Oh, shit. 555 00:23:47,045 --> 00:23:48,761 Not on my watch. 556 00:23:49,353 --> 00:23:51,715 - Aah! - Ooh, shit! 557 00:23:51,716 --> 00:23:53,268 Are you okay? I didn't mean that. 558 00:23:53,304 --> 00:23:55,707 - Fuck, man! - I'm sorry. I... 559 00:23:55,748 --> 00:23:58,837 I've just been questioning my masculinity a lot lately, and... 560 00:23:58,962 --> 00:24:00,522 been thinking about my dad a lot. 561 00:24:00,537 --> 00:24:02,678 Oh, hey, hey, let's not talk about our parents 562 00:24:02,705 --> 00:24:04,630 - when we're trying to have sex. Yeah. - No. Right. Sorry. 563 00:24:06,289 --> 00:24:09,071 Apology accepted. 564 00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:12,793 Oh. 565 00:24:14,430 --> 00:24:17,328 - Um... - I kissed you on the nose. 566 00:24:17,733 --> 00:24:19,385 Ah, fuck. 567 00:24:19,398 --> 00:24:20,992 - We lost it, didn't we? - Yeah. 568 00:24:21,012 --> 00:24:22,490 Shit. 569 00:24:22,510 --> 00:24:24,746 Sex has left the building, 570 00:24:24,792 --> 00:24:28,086 slammed the door, seemed really disappointed in us. 571 00:24:28,376 --> 00:24:30,550 Like, 10 minutes of calm meditation. 572 00:24:30,575 --> 00:24:32,502 Then I'm gonna hit dat. All of it. 573 00:24:32,538 --> 00:24:36,343 If the rental house is a-rockin', don't ring the... 574 00:24:36,647 --> 00:24:38,038 wireless... 575 00:24:38,529 --> 00:24:39,839 doorbell... 576 00:24:40,436 --> 00:24:42,242 with webcam capability. 577 00:24:42,288 --> 00:24:44,226 - Good one, honey. - Thanks. 578 00:24:44,271 --> 00:24:47,115 It seems stupid now maybe, but I bought some stuff. 579 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,513 - Oh. - Let me be the judge of that. 580 00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:57,887 Oh. 581 00:25:02,754 --> 00:25:04,181 We can have fun with these. 582 00:25:04,212 --> 00:25:05,689 Yep. 583 00:25:08,380 --> 00:25:10,997 - Ew. - Oh, it was three for one, so... 584 00:25:11,122 --> 00:25:12,786 - Okay. - Yeah. 585 00:25:16,756 --> 00:25:19,080 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Oh, yeah. 586 00:25:19,131 --> 00:25:20,611 Yeah? 587 00:25:20,642 --> 00:25:22,148 What are you thinking? 588 00:25:22,173 --> 00:25:23,458 Is it the same as I'm... 589 00:25:23,503 --> 00:25:24,829 Just give me a hint. 590 00:25:24,889 --> 00:25:26,180 I don't mean to offend anyone, 591 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,986 but I think that she was an evil slut, 592 00:25:27,991 --> 00:25:30,756 - and that she deserved to die. - I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? 593 00:25:30,771 --> 00:25:32,683 As someone who identifies as an Agnes... 594 00:25:32,719 --> 00:25:35,279 Oh, wait. You identify as a dead narrator? 595 00:25:35,345 --> 00:25:37,940 I place a very high value on perspective. I do. 596 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,515 - Yeah, but that doesn't... - Not to break up your, uh, 597 00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:41,592 emotional circle jerk, but Lala's outside 598 00:25:41,593 --> 00:25:43,652 - ticketing all your cars. - Wait, what?! 599 00:25:43,672 --> 00:25:45,953 - No! - Oh! 600 00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:50,219 Lala? I seriously have to call her Lala? 601 00:25:50,269 --> 00:25:53,400 Hi! Hi. Excuse me. Um... 602 00:25:53,525 --> 00:25:54,605 What do you think you're doing? 603 00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:57,215 Don't worry. No biggie. Minor fine. 604 00:25:57,236 --> 00:25:59,512 - Ah. Well, are you a cop? - Oh, dear Lord, no. 605 00:25:59,532 --> 00:26:00,818 No, I'm Lala. 606 00:26:00,868 --> 00:26:02,341 So, that's... that's, like, a nickname? 607 00:26:02,365 --> 00:26:03,731 It's, like, not. 608 00:26:03,792 --> 00:26:05,578 Shall I tell my parents you don't approve? 609 00:26:05,593 --> 00:26:07,824 This is Lala. Hi, Lala! 610 00:26:07,850 --> 00:26:12,246 Lala is the super-awesome president of our Homeowners Association. 611 00:26:12,291 --> 00:26:14,462 Elected six months ago in a landslide. 612 00:26:14,517 --> 00:26:16,091 Largest margin of victory since... 613 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:17,422 HOAs are so cute. 614 00:26:17,437 --> 00:26:19,500 I'm Emma Trakarsky, president of the Binge Club. 615 00:26:19,501 --> 00:26:20,797 Welcome to the neighborhood, Emma. 616 00:26:20,821 --> 00:26:22,172 Welcome back, actually. 617 00:26:22,197 --> 00:26:24,585 Yeah, sadly, I can't recognize your authority 618 00:26:24,595 --> 00:26:26,528 - because it turns out your club is... eek! - Oh. 619 00:26:26,564 --> 00:26:27,793 ... unsanctioned. 620 00:26:27,838 --> 00:26:31,071 - Why don't you just... Oh! - That's... That's so cute. 621 00:26:31,096 --> 00:26:33,437 - Did you make these at home? - No, I got them at Costco. 622 00:26:33,562 --> 00:26:35,524 Listen, I'd love to look the other way, 623 00:26:35,556 --> 00:26:38,192 but the neighborhood overwhelmingly entrusted me 624 00:26:38,218 --> 00:26:40,368 with upholding our agreed-upon ordinances. 625 00:26:40,412 --> 00:26:43,315 We're talking 94.5% of the vote, so... 626 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,877 yeah, obvious mandate. Anyhoo, 627 00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:47,850 yeah, had some complaints. 628 00:26:47,869 --> 00:26:50,551 Curb parking. Yuck, right? 629 00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:52,113 - Totally yuck. - Yeah. 630 00:26:52,138 --> 00:26:54,047 Okay, well, here's an idea. Try and keep up. 631 00:26:54,072 --> 00:26:55,718 Why don't we just park in our own driveways? 632 00:26:55,742 --> 00:26:57,012 That'd be so great. 633 00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:59,907 - Problem solved. - That way, I can void the individual parking infractions 634 00:26:59,931 --> 00:27:02,713 and just levy the entire fine against whomever's in charge. 635 00:27:03,133 --> 00:27:05,780 I assume that's you, Madame President? 636 00:27:05,805 --> 00:27:08,426 Bawk! President Polly! Bawk! 637 00:27:08,483 --> 00:27:10,133 Uh... gotta go. 638 00:27:10,134 --> 00:27:11,743 - Oh, my God. - I have a few more. 639 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,273 What was she thinking? 640 00:27:14,512 --> 00:27:17,153 La-la-la-blow me! 641 00:27:24,099 --> 00:27:25,678 Oh, my God. 642 00:27:27,803 --> 00:27:30,545 - Uh, it's... - It's not what it looks like. 643 00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:32,255 Or maybe it is. 644 00:27:32,305 --> 00:27:33,960 What do you think it looks like? 645 00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:35,629 Did you sneak home... 646 00:27:35,963 --> 00:27:37,319 to nap? 647 00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:38,928 Uh... 648 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:45,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 48527

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