Original subtitles

They're totally gonna buy house number two.

I love ya -- Look at me, I do --

but sometimes, you're dumb as a potato.

They're buying house number one, no question.

I got 10 bucks that says you're wrong.

Say goodbye to your allowance.

Announcer: Looks like this beachcomber couple

is gonna dig their toes into the sand

at house number...two.

Are you kidding me? Emily said she didn't want the beach house.

I mean, Scott's making her do this.

I can't belie-- This is gonna ruin the marriage.

I can't...

When you have it, old man.

Wait a second.

Is Scott wearing clogs?

I feel like I hated this guy before.

Is this a repeat?

Yes. I've seen it twice -- once with you.

I love ya, but sometimes, you're dumb as a potato!

* I am not your ordinary guy

So, you're saying, I-I can be home,

Vanessa can be at her place, and we can play backgammon

on our phones at the same time?

Yep.

Wow. Technology is cray-cray.

Cray-cray indeed. You're all set.

Welcome to 2003.

Okay, wait.

Is this really what you're gonna do all weekend,

is just play on your phones?

Hey, his idea.

Yeah, and I'm watching the World Series.

Wait. Isn't that in October?

He re-watches the '86 World Series over and over again,

just to see the Mets win.

Doesn't that get boring?

No. No, it does not.

It's new to him every time.

It's like how a dog gets excited every time its owner comes home.

Hey. It's cute.

I watch it to unwind.

I have a very stressful job. You do security.

I mean, last week, you were

checking receipts at a toy store.

Yeah, that's right.

I am the gatekeeper of that place.

My highlighter doesn't hit that receipt,

ain't nobody's goin' nowheres.

Hey, Kendra, you want to bring my lady another Cosmo

and some of those, uh, zucchini sticks?

You have a girlfriend?

Yeah. I mean, haven't you guys been wondering

why I haven't been around the last six weeks?

-Not really. -Yeah, I haven't even noticed.

Ah. You know what, Vanessa?

I'm sure this is a hard pill to swallow.

I always felt like you had a little thing for me.

Nope. Never had a thing.

Well, maybe not a thing thing, but, you know, feelings.

Nope. Zero feelings.

Anyway, where'd you meet her, guy?

Ah, you know, this new dating app.

It's, uh, BeMyWingman.com.

It's -- It's all the rage.

Oh, is that the one where your best friend

chooses the date for you?

Yeah. My buddy Mugsy down at the firehouse found Annie.

You guys should try it.

I'm sorry, but I don't need an app to -- to find a date.

Just feels a little sweaty.

Ha. Jealousy is a terrible disease.

Get well soon.

I'm -- I'm not jealous. I'm just telling you.

Okay, yeah, well, I'm here with a girl,

you know, on a nice date,

and you're here watching a spelling bee on TV.

Oh, and FYI -- fat kid with the freckles wins.

Oh, come on!

It's the finals. I wait for this all year.

You know, guys, that app doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I have some friends that have tried it, and it really works.

Come on. Your friends know you better than you know yourself.

I don't want your dad picking a date for me.

I mean, a charcoal grill, maybe.

A padded shoe insert, yes.

But not a soul mate.

Oh, ple-- I would find you an incredible guy.

Really? Okay, you think you could do better for me

than I could do for myself?

100%, but I'm not -- I -- we don't need an app.

I say we kick it old-school.

We do it face-to-face in a bar,

where you're supposed to find love.

**

All right. Mama ain't hating this.

Yeah. There's some talent here. I like it. Yeah.

Also, a lot of wood and leather.

Dig that, 'cause it's not gonna clash with the outfit.

Shamone.

Let's do this. You ready? Okay. Yep.

W-What are -- What are -- What are you doing with your face?

Just my look from back in the day.

You know, just a dangerous guy with a lot on his mind.

You keep them guessing.

Okay, knock it off.

You look like you're about to pass a stone.

Just act normal. Stop it.

Let's just go to the bar and come up with a plan.

So, let's get -- Easy, easy.

Let's get a beer. All right.

How you doing?

Good. How are you folks? Good.

I'm Dash. Tell me about your palate.

Uh, my palate would like a beer.

Two.

You must think I'm a bartender.

I'm not. I'm a mixologist.

I don't serve drinks. I invent them.

Look, I-I know you probably have to do that,

but let's cut the crap and get me a couple beers.

Sure.

Great. Open a tab.

You got it.

Oh, what about her?

Thank you. Okay.

Businesswoman. Mm-hmm.

Serious all day, comes home at night,

shakes the hair out, and it's like,

"Whoa, what happened to Margaret?"

I like it.

Okay. Let's do it.

All right. Now, listen, as your wingman, I will introduce you.

Okay, fine. Just so you know, though,

my -- my code word is "Montauk."

Code word? Yeah.

If I'm not into her, I'm gonna say "Montauk"

and you -- you get me away from her.

I'm not here to break hearts.

Okay, all right. Let's do it.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. My name is Vanessa.

I-I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Kevin.

Nice to see you. Yeah.

Uh, can I buy you a drink?

Excuse me? I work at a top-three accounting firm.

I don't need a man to buy me anything.

Uh, i-i-it was just a drink.

No, it isn't. It's an expectation, a contract.

It's not about a drink, it's about power.

We should probably get going.

We got a long drive back to Montauk.

Look, I wasn't gonna come over here,

but your energy just pulled me in.

I really feel like our, uh, chakras could align.

Hmm.

You know, I think I left my chakra in Montauk.

**

And I save a fortune by making my own deodorant.

Stings a little, but in the end...

check it out.

**

Montauk.

Sure, I'm still part-time at the bank,

but I'm mostly focused on my hip-hop career.

Spittin' mad rhymes.

Mm.

Anything that rhymes with Montauk?

Sorry, yo.

Thank you, Kim. That's a very generous offer.

Um, I've never seen a falcon eat a family of mice before,

but, uh, this Saturday, I actually have plans in Montauk,

so I'm not gonna be able...

What the...

Montauk.

A lot of people think throwing a shot put isn't glamorous.

It is.

Montauk.

Oh, there he is.

Hey, what are you up to there, Ky

Uh, just having a beer.

Okay, well, she looks like she's running a little low.

Let me set you up. Can we get him another one?

Yeah. Thanks.

So, let me guess.

You went to a bar, you struck out miserably,

and now you want help with the dating app?

Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Look, we downloaded the app,

but we need a current member to vouch for us.

Yeah, well, I'd do it, but right now, I'm a little "sweaty."

Okay, stop being a baby. Would you just hook us up, please?

All right, fine. But you got to say this...

"Kyle, help me find love."

Okay, that's not happening.

Just say it. No. No.

He -- Why don't you say it?

He didn't ask me.

Okay, yeah, you want me to say it?

Or I could do this.

I could tell Vanessa a couple of the stories

that nobody knows about Kyle,

like the fact that he got his first underarm hair

when he was 35, and it came in gray.

I got a lotta more. I got --

O-Okay, let's get you guys set up, huh?

There you go.

No, I hear you.

You know, but for me, the crust has gotta be

a little burnt on the bottom.

Yes! Exactly. Crunchy.

All right, I gotta roll. Vanessa's here.

All right, man. I'll talk to you later, bro.

Bye.

You finally got through to the Papa John's hotline?

No, that was Steve.

Who's Steve?

Your knight in shining armor.

Huh? I went on that dating app,

and guess what -- found you the perfect guy.

We went to the Knick game last night.

Wait a minute. Why would you go out with a guy I'm supposed to date?

'Cause I wanted to make sure he's right for you.

And, man, is he right.

All right. What are your other choices?

Wait. What are you talking about?

What am I talking about? We're supposed to have other choices.

What are my other choices?

I have choices. I have plenty of choices.

Okay. Um, yeah, all right.

Well, what are they? Okay, uh, well, there's...

this guy here. He's, uh --

He's really good. This guy's great, actually.

Um, his name's George.

He's a partner at a law firm, so...

Uh-huh. Sounds nice.

Ooh.

Uh, how -- how old are you, uh, willing to date?

Um, I don't know. What is he

Eh...

60?

61?

He was born in '46. I don't know how old that makes him.

Oh, that's, uh...72?!

My dad is 68!

All right, well, then, they're gonna get along great.

Okay, come on! All right.

You are unbelievable, man.

Listen, I busted my butt to find you somebody perfect.

And I found somebody perfect for you -- Steve.

Let me just hook us up with a meet 'n' greet, all right?

We'll do it tonight.

Tonight? Yes.

Oh. All right.

F-Fine. Let's just do it.

Let's do it. And, oh!

Why don't I have the girl that I picked for you

I love it, okay?

And believe me, if you don't like Steve,

we'll just go with the old guy, okay?

But we got to hurry up, though, 'cause look at him.

**

All right, stop. What are you doing? Stop it.

I'm having some bread. I'm hungry.

No. Just wait for Tracey and Steve.

It's gonna look like a rat got into it.

Why do you Why do you smell so weird?

Oh, I ran out of cologne,

so I hit myself up with some Febreze.

Fresh Pressed Apple. Amazing, right?

How those people don't jump into the cologne business

is beyond me.

Just do me a favor. Try to act normal.

All right, don't you worry.

I-I'm bringing my "A" game, okay?

Believe me, she ain't gonna know what hit her.

Uh, she will -- a big fat bucket of apples.

Oh, here she is. Tracey. Hi, honey.

Hi. Wow, she's -- she's kind of pretty.

Right? I did good, right? Good job. Yeah.

She -- She goes to church, she likes sports,

and she eats gluten.

Hey. How you doing? Hi.

Hi, honey. You look so cute.

Oh, thanks. You too.

Thank you. This is Kevin Gable.

Nice to see you. Wow.

What were you talking about? He's totally cute.

What did you say? Nothing.

I just was, like, trying to lower her expectations.

Unbelievable.

So, this is the famous Enzo's, huh?

Oh, yeah. It's -- It's kinda my spot.

He goes to other restaurants, too.

It's not like he's here every day.

No, I am. I'm here every day.

Trying to help you out. Trying to help you out, bud.

I get it. I go to the same bagel place for the past 15 years.

Oh. Great little place on Sunrise.

Oh, no. Gal-- That's Galaxy Bagels?

Yes! Oh, it's --

Are you kidding me? I'm there every day.

Lou, the guy who makes the cream cheese in the back?

He's on my softball team. Love Lou.

Oh, he's the best. He's the greatest.

All right, you two, break it up.

Okay, well, I-I got to go wash up.

But when I come back,

I'm gonna tell you how Lou lost the tip of his thumb.

Oh, that -- See, that, I need to know. He never tells anybody.

I-I tried to get him a Christmas present once --

you know, it was mittens, to try to open him up,

you know, and talk about it --

Got nothing. Nothing.

Guy's -- He is ice. -Okay, I'll be right back.

All right. This is -- That's...

So?

I like her. Wow. She's great.

That was a nice job.

Plus, she's gonna solve that whole thumb mystery.

It's been years.

Well, I'm glad, 'cause I put a lot of thought into it.

Well... Oh. You did good.

And get ready to be rewarded because here comes Steve.

Where? Right there.

The guy in the tracksuit?

The one that looks like you?

Right?

It's amazing, right? Check him out.

Hey, Steve-y!

Oh, Kev-y!

Montauk.

Ooh, hey, tell 'em 'bout the time you didn't eat

before reffing that big game.

Oh!

This is a great story.

So, I'm supposed to referee this NCAA tournament game,

you know, in Vegas. Mm-hmm.

Okay. And my flight gets in late,

so I got to go straight from the airport to the game.

Yeah, without eating. Yeah.

And his -- And his stomach is all like

You know those noise? I -- Yeah, I do.

Yeah, yeah. So, it's a tied score,

30 seconds left, okay?

And in my periff, I see a guy selling churros, you know?

-I can't look away. -He's looking at the churros...

-Mm-hmm. -...instead of the -- the game.

He's not looking at the game. -Yep.

The ref! He's the ref.

So, long story short, I miss a traveling call,

Louisville loses.

I still get hate mail to this day.

-That's hysterical. -It's amazing.

It's an amazing story. -Oh, so funny.

Kevin: I love it, man.

I'm gonna --

Okay, I'm gonna grab us another pitcher.

Kevin, you want to help? It's just a pitcher.

I got the last one. You get this one.

All right, fine.

Excuse me.

So...how's the double date going?

Horrendous.

What? Steve's a great guy.

Yeah, for you. What do you mean?

You really don't get it, do you?

I get that we're all having a good time over there

and you're throwing a wet blanket on us.

Okay. I put a lot of thought into who would be good for you.

And you put thought into

who would be good for you.

Because Steve's a good dude.

No. He's you.

Yeah! He's perfect.

We're saying the same thing. No, we're not.

How is she missing this? Chale. Chale.

I-If I am reading the tea leaves correctly,

I would say that Vanessa feels as though, in picking her mate,

you put your needs ahead of hers.

Thank you.

How does Chale see it from across the bar and you don't?

Okay, first of all, 'cause the glasses are thick as a brick wall.

Oh, okay.

If there's somebody who's important in your life,

I want to like him, too. Is that so wrong?

No, but I need to like him.

Okay.

I just -- I'm sorry.

I-I thought you would like the guy, all right?

But, you know, we're here now.

Let's just make the best of it.

No. I am ending this right now.

What? You can't cause a scene, all right?

You're gonna ruin things between me and Steve.

Tr-Tracey.

All right, now, this is Luigi's, okay?

You compare it with Enzo's,

I think you're gonna see which one's superior.

Dad, can I just grab a slice?

Shush, shush, shush, shush.

I'm trying to concentrate, bud, okay?

Now, I like the cheese here. The cheese looks really good.

Let me get in there.

Ooh, that's a nice, crunchy bottom.

Let's give it a shot here.

Oh. I'm gonna have to take a half a point off,

though, for oil runoff.

She's a little minimal.

That's a good thing.

Mm, not at this level.

All right.

Now can I have a slice?

Jack, please, not while I'm judging, okay?

I need some silence.

I'm liking the sweet notes in the sauce.

Perfect amount of garlic.

This is painful. I'm just gonna have Oreos for dinner.

Sounds good.

Mmm. All right.

It's outstanding. It's outstanding.

I told you. Better than Enzo's.

Whoa. Easy, cowboy.

Not better -- different.

It's like comparing "Rocky" and "Rocky II."

Both fantastic films... vastly different.

Yeah.

I hear ya.

So, I can get two more tickets to the game.

Huh? Should we bring the girls?

Oh. Yeah, um, as far as the Vanessa thing,

it's, uh -- it's a no-go.

I forgot to tell you.

What? Did I do something wrong?

No. No, no, no. She just wasn't -- She wasn't feeling it.

Oh, well, is there anything I could do different

to change her mind?

I don't think so.

Not unless we change you completely.

She thought you were, uh, too much like me.

Oh. You mean too awesome?

Oh!

Yeah!

Wait a second.

Maybe there is something we could do.

What do you mean?

What if you weren't so much like me?

One sec. Kendra!

Hey. What's up?

I want you to give Steve a makeover.

Okay. Don't know him, never even met him. This won't be weird.

Steve: Yeah.

Y-You know, I-I-I'm not comfortable where this is going.

Just gonna take a little Kev off the sides.

Mm. I think we should take a lot of Kev off everything.

How's it going?

It's going.

Cool. Cool.

Listen, I, uh... Well, you know, I'm --

I'm sorry about what happened the other night,

and I want you to know that...

I am looking for new guys for you, okay?

That's great. Thank you.

Has not been easy, though.

It's like...

trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Funny, though, sometimes you find a needle,

and then you realize, "Ooh, I already found that needle,"

but you didn't recognize it

because the needle looks totally different.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, was that a metaphor for something,

or do you need, like, a safety pin?

I don't -- I'm not -- I don't understand what's happening.

No. I found the guy you're supposed to be with, all right?

He's standing in the hallway. What?! No.

Right now? Yes.

Come on. I look like -- I'm wearing --

No, you look great. You look fine.

And do me a favor. Just, please, one thing.

Just keep an open mind, all right?

Open mind? Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Hey, Vanessa.

Steve. No. New Steve.

That's right.

With all the benefits of Old Steve,

but 50% less Kevin.

Well, what -- what happened?

What? Gave him a little makeover.

He looks -- He looks good, right?

Yeah. He looks great.

Yeah, and I picked out his jacket, but whatevs.

Look, Vanessa, I know I --

I know I blew it the other night, you know?

It's just that you're so beautiful, and you're funny,

and, uh, you know, I got intimidated.

And plus, I droned on and on,

telling all those stories about refereeing games.

No, they were -- they were...funny.

Oh, come on. You don't have to say that.

But -- But she did, guy, so just w-work with it.

All right, anyway, I was, you know --

I was hoping you'd give me a second chance, huh?

And if not, I can always go back to Men's Wearhouse

and return this jacket.

Then I guess you should... keep the jacket.

Nice. All right.

It was buy one jacket, get one for a penny.

That's his. I got mine for a penny.

Well, I can't get over how different Steve looks.

I know. It's amazing, right?

Old Steve cleans up pretty well, right

I knew.

I changed his clothes,

even deleted the word "bro" from his vocab.

Ain't that right, bro?

Hey, bro, bro, bro? You see? Nothing.

Should we get another round?

Uh, yeah, yeah. I'll go -- I'll get them with you.

Okay. All right. Excuse us.

Can I get another one?

Seems to be going really well, huh?

Yeah, he's very sweet and funny, but, um...

But what? I don't know.

I just -- I'm not -- I'm not feeling it 100%.

What exactly are you not feeling?

Well...you know, like, little things.

Like, when he eats, he makes that sound.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I do that.

Yeah, and I hate it when you do it, too.

All right, we'll fix it, all right?

W Anything else with him?

Well, it's -- You know, it's little things.

You know what? I'll make you a list. How's that?

Okay, how's -- how's it going with Tracey?

Well, I mean, uh...

Don't get me wrong, it's great.

You know, she's fantastic.

It's just...I'm not loving the nurse shoes, you know?

She is a nurse.

Okay, let me ask you this. Is she in the hospital now?

Answer's no.

I will talk to her about it.

Okay. Okay.

All right, but other than that, we're doing pretty well, huh?

Right? Pretty good wingman.

I know.

Hey, listen, uh...Kev, this might be a little weird,

but we're gonna bounce, all right?

W W-We'll bounce with you.

Well, actually, we're gonna head out alone.

We were talking and just kinda...clicked.

What? W-Wait a second. W-We clicked first.

Not really.

I clicked. You didn't click back.

I tried to click. I wanted to click.

Y-You didn't give me a chance to click. All right, stop. Stop.

You gotta give me a chance to click. You're embarrassing yourself. Stop.

Sorry, bro.

What just happened here?

We just got dumped.

You know what the worst part of all of this is?

Never found out what happened to Lou's thumb.

So, how's the World Series going?

The Mets are down. They're killing me.

Do have a strong feeling

they're gonna make a comeback, though.

Yeah, 'cause that's what happens.

Who's that?

Well, as your wingwoman,

I got a little surprise for you.

All the way from Galaxy Bagels...

Lou?! Mm-hmm.

He's finally gonna tell you what happened to his thumb.

Really?

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing, go bust your move *

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Ohhhhhh, yeah

* Don't want no high-heel shoes *

* I just don't want no...