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BLEEP
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00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:05,760
BLEEP
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00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,880
You're probably wondering
why I'm buying so many bananas.
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00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,240
BLEEP
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00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,560
There's a game called
Kingdom Scrolls,
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00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,280
and there's a section
called the Endless Maze,
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00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,640
and I'm attempting to become
the first person ever
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00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,360
to complete it entirely on...
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..bananas. Correct.
BLEEP
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I know. Sure. Lots of questions.
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00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,080
Basically, I attach
an earthing cable to myself.
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00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,920
When I touch the fruit,
it sends a signal to the keyboard.
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00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,800
Bunches on the left cover
directions.
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00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,360
Bunches on the right, attacks,
spells and defence.
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00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,840
"Why would you do that?" You might
ask yourself, quite rightly.
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00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,760
To that I would say, because
someone on a forum I sometimes read
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00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:49,040
said I probably...couldn't do it.
BLEEP
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00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,320
"But, Nicky, why would you book
five days' annual leave
19
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,120
"just to prove a point
to someone you've never met?"
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00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,760
And to that I would say,
because I am spiteful,
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00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,800
lonely...
22
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,280
and pathetic.
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00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,400
And with that...
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00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,920
And with that... Oh.
25
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,400
And with that...
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00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,200
he took his bananas and never did
darken her checkout again.
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00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:27,360
Adieu, milady.
28
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,440
LAUGHTER
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00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,720
Oh, Meg! You're...
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00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,640
not in your room.
Well observed, Alison.
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00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,920
Spilled yoghurt drink on my
swivel chair.
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00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,400
No,
obviously.
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00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,360
Tried drying it with a hairdryer.
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00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,920
Now my whole room
smells like hot raspberries.
35
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,240
So this is Simon.
He's in the orchestra.
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00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,360
Easy, Simon.
37
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,160
Tell him what you do, Meg,
on the computer.
38
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,320
I'm a hunchback.
Ah.
39
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,040
She's trying to save the Ninth
Kingdom from the Hive Mother.
40
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,240
You probably have
an image of it being a bit...
41
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,920
But to her, it's real.
42
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,160
It's like
having a life, in a way,
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00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,920
because we've been out,
44
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,320
but YOU'VE been out as well,
haven't you, Meg?
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00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,960
And
who's to say which one's more real?
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00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,280
Cos we might all
end up like Meg one day -
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00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,080
blobs on a futon,
attached to a computer.
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00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,760
It's coming.
49
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,280
It will happen.
50
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,480
So any plans for Valentine's Day?
Yup.
51
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,240
I'm just gonna sit here and wait
52
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,560
for the yoghurt to dry
on my swivel chair.
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00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,720
Meg, we were gonna
cook something together.
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00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,760
Don't mind me. I'm not even here.
The vessel's empty.
55
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,440
Physically I'm here, but mentally
Right.
56
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:03,640
Could you be mentally somewhere else
but also physically somewhere else?
57
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,360
I need this, Meg. I need to quench.
58
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,400
Is that what we're calling it now?
Quenching?
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00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,760
I wouldn't know since my nubbin
scabbed over and dropped off.
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00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,120
I'll go when my chair's dry.
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00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,120
Let me see if I can fix it
with a towel.
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00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,480
So, Valentine's Day. What's the
plan, then, Simon? What?
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00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,440
Have dinner, then fuck
Sorry?
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00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,880
The question is, though, fucking
before dinner or after dinner?
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00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,840
Cos fucking's a bit like cheese.
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00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,240
It can either be a starter
or a pudding.
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00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,600
I'm just gonna...erm...
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00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,960
I managed to blot most of it up
with a towel.
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00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,920
Safe.
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00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,920
Have a good night, love pets.
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,800
Oh.
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00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,800
WIND HOWLS
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00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,600
USMAN: I can't believe
you actually did it, Nicky.
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00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,920
The Endless Maze on bananas!
Total madman.
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,040
What can I say? It was a triumph
of human spitefulness.
76
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,400
Because somewhere out there
is a person...
77
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,080
and I can't remember his username
78
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,320
cos I lost the link, but he is
feeling pretty stupid right now.
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00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,960
Yeah, cos he's the idiot
in this story,
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00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,960
not you, the man who was crying
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00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,800
on the landing at 4am
stomping on bananas.
82
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,320
Exactly, Meg.
83
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,880
Everything's pointless. We just
ascribe our own meaning to things.
84
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,480
Who's to say it's any more or less
85
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,680
pointless than...running the London
Marathon for four years?
86
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,520
OK, Nicky. Is this about your
brother?
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00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,280
HE SCOFFS AND LAUGHS
88
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,960
No, Meg, this is not
about my brother.
89
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,880
This has absolutely nothing to do
with my brother.
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00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,600
HE LAUGHS
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00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,160
This is about my dad,
92
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,640
and I cannot wait to see his face
when I tell him what I've achieved.
93
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,280
OK, I'm out of here.
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00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,120
My wife's made me a big Valentine's
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00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,760
lunch - steak, cheesecake, the whole
nine yards.
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00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,520
Ah, good for you.
Don't choke, will you!
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00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,800
RHYTHMIC BONKING
Oh, perfect(!) They're doing it!
98
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,240
Alison and Simon are doing it!
99
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,760
That is so passive-aggressive.
Is it?
100
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,120
That is passive-aggressive bonking.
101
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:13,200
Alison is basically
rubbing her vagina in my face.
102
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,960
Happy Valentine's Day, Meg.
103
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,320
Valentine's Night and I'm punching
a wooly mammoth to death with my
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00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,880
bare hands while Alison just
wafts her clit about!
105
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,840
Well, like I always say, it's only
depressing if you think about it.
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00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,680
Tell my mother I love her cos
I'm about to wank myself to death!
107
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,160
Hey, Russell.
108
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,040
Have you seen this?! There is
Kingdom Scrolls pornography!
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00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,960
There are drawings of the characters
110
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,640
but they're all dirty! Like proper
muck!
111
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,800
I'm looking at them right now -
Yeah, we know.
112
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,680
It's Kingdom Scrolls hentai,
and it's old.
113
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,400
There are some talented artists
114
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,960
out there. These dicks
are almost photo-real.
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,280
I can't stop jerking off,
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00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,960
though there's basically
nothing left down there.
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00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,600
You know an inhaler, when you squirt
it
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00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,080
in the air? My dick does that now
every time I climax.
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00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,200
No sperm, not any more,
not for days.
120
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,720
Just...pfff.
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00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,720
It just goes pfff,
and it makes a kind of thin mist.
122
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,560
My banjo string is round my ankles.
123
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,400
My foreskin looks like a battered
piece of calamari!
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00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,200
Sorry. Russell,
Yeah.
125
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,840
Plus it's Valentine's Day, so it
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00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,160
only feels right to be jerking off
over drawings of sexy fairies.
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00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,480
RHYTHMIC BONKING QUICKENS
128
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,720
So, listen, Russell.
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00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,240
I never did give you
those combat lessons.
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00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,800
Maybe we could head out
OK, sure.
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00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,920
I'm back. What did I miss?
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00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,080
Usman? I thought
you were having lunch.
133
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,800
Yeah, I had it. I just wolfed it.
134
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,280
It's got to be a record. I don't
135
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,640
think anyone's ever eaten steak
that quickly.
136
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,640
Man, that is sitting heavy.
137
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,640
This is taking way too long.
138
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,280
I've got to go. I've got dinner
at my parents'.
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00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,880
MAMMOTH ROARS
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00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,720
ALL: Hurray!
We killed it!
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00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:58,440
So, how are those radiators?
I don't suppose you bled them?
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00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,680
It's really not that difficult.
It is for me, Dad.
143
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,240
Last time I tried bleeding
the radiators,
144
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,520
I spewed molten hot fluids all over
my hands and torso.
145
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,960
And I actually cried.
I know you did, Son.
146
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,960
Ah. Right.
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00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,120
Obviously.
148
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,760
Your brother's back in training.
Doing the Boston Marathon next.
149
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,240
He's already raised
about 4,000 in sponsorship.
150
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:27,320
Well, I completed a game
on bananas, Dad.
151
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,800
Don't know what that means, Son.
152
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,520
You don't need to know what it
means.
153
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,160
I am the first person in the world
to do this.
154
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,040
Mark Chapman was the first person
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00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,280
in the world to shoot John Lennon,
so...
156
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,920
Fine. Forget it, Dad. Doesn't
matter.
157
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,240
What I mean is - why don't you show
me how it works?
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00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,880
You know, the game.
159
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,640
Oh, sure.
160
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,280
Be nice for us
to do something together.
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00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,720
When you get home tonight,
Yeah?
162
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,680
Cos I know
you're not really into football.
163
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,320
Or rugby.
164
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,080
Anyway, love...
165
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,280
Golf. Boxing. Tennis.
166
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,320
Archery. Hockey.
167
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,280
Is this where we do our
combat lessons?
168
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,920
Kind of, yeah.
169
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,760
Uh... What is this?
170
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,520
This, young Paduwan,
is the future of fucking.
171
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,760
It's early days. We're still
waiting on the tech to catch up.
172
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,600
But give it five years, seriously,
173
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,920
the next generation of smart
vibrators will change the world.
174
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,320
Then you sync that up to some 4K VR
porn with a pair of haptic gloves
175
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,800
and you get your Bluetooth love egg
involved, and, well...
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00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,680
no-one will ever have to
touch anyone ever again.
177
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,120
That's...
178
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,880
I know it is,
and that's within my lifetime.
179
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,200
I've never seen
anything like this before.
180
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,880
Is that a cat wanking off a robot?
This is an outlaw server.
181
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,240
It's hosted outside of
international waters.
182
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,240
Apparently it's run from an oil rig
off the coast of Zimbabwe.
183
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,200
And who's this guy?
Oh. That's Mitchell.
184
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,080
He does that.
185
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,960
In fact, IRL he's a professor
186
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,920
of macroeconomics at Liverpool
University.
187
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,320
You wouldn't think it, would you,
the way he's doing that?
188
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,280
Hello, Professor.
AVATAR JABBERS
189
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,760
Anyway, Meg, in regards
to these combat lessons...
190
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,160
Look, I'm not gonna
butter this up for you
191
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,920
but for various reasons, some of
192
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,680
which are relatively questionable,
193
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,880
I'm basically bursting at the seams
tonight.
194
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,080
My downstairs is like a burrito
with too much filling in it.
195
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,520
Do you understand
what I'm saying, Russell?
196
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:55,240
Sorry, I'm finding it quite hard
to concentrate with this guy er...
197
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,360
SMACK
198
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,960
Great. Let's fuck.
199
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,800
So this is my castle.
200
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,760
14 bedrooms, plus a dungeon.
201
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,160
Has the capacity
to house 20 adult slaves.
202
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,720
Do you want one?
203
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,480
Have a slave.
204
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,840
SLAVE GROWLS
205
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,200
What do I do with it?
We could just kill it.
206
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,760
That'd be a nice father-and-son
thing to do, wouldn't it?
207
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,960
See? That was fun, wasn't it?
208
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,680
Hurray! We killed a slave.
209
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,680
Well...
You could, but I would beat you.
210
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,720
DAD SCOFFS
How could you beat me?
211
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,920
I'm a muscly wizard.
You're a child in a cape.
212
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,840
It's a cloak, Dad. And I'm not a
child.
213
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,520
I've just got very narrow shoulders.
214
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,760
Fight me. Come on, do it.
215
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,160
This is penalty shootout
all over again.
216
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,640
Dad, I told you! I can't
217
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,680
do penalties because the net
in the goal makes my eyes strobe.
218
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,320
Come on, Nicky. Fight me.
219
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,080
Be a man for a change.
220
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,600
OK. Do you know what, Dad?
221
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,520
I am gonna bleed you
like a radiator.
222
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,320
THUNDEROUS NOISE
223
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,440
ROBOT VOICE: Battlestone activated.
224
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,200
Right. What are the buttons?
225
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,400
Fuck the buttons!
Time to die, Dad!
226
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,800
Ha!
227
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,800
What in the hell...?
228
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,640
Alison.
229
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,960
I killed my dad, Alison.
230
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,400
I killed him.
231
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,040
And do you know something?
232
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,080
It felt amazing.
233
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,560
So this is Simon.
234
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,640
I killed my dad, Simon.
Mm-hm.
235
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,440
You ARE talking about the game?
236
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,720
It's like something
from a fairy tale.
237
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,560
I killed...my father.
238
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:28,160
I like saying it like that.
"Father" instead of "dad".
239
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:32,960
I killed my father. How many people
can say they've done that?
240
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,920
Everyone WANTS to do it, obviously.
241
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,560
Do they?
242
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,600
Cos my dad's 60 and he's lovely.
243
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,560
I don't want to tempt fate, Alison,
244
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:47,240
but I think I might have just fixed
all my dysfunctions in one go.
245
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,040
Yeah.
Yeah.
246
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,760
I think I might be normal now.
247
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,280
Right, OK, Nicky. Let's not rush
No, I know. Sure.
248
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,080
It's not like I'm normal like...
I dunno...Simon.
249
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,280
I'm not Simon normal.
250
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,320
But more normal than before.
251
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,280
And more confident.
252
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,840
Like I could just... get a new
253
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,920
haircut without even phoning round
all the hairdressers
254
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,560
to see which one sounded
the least intimidating.
255
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,880
In fact, I might just
cut it myself right now,
256
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,560
give myself a normal haircut,
like Simon.
257
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,320
Maybe don't. Maybe...
258
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,960
sleep on it.
259
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,920
Hey, Simon.
260
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,880
Nice coat, Simon.
261
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,760
How would you like to one day
262
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,520
get a pint of drink in a pub
with me, Simon?
263
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,760
Yeah.
264
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,280
Hey! Russell.
265
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,000
So that was...
pretty wild last night.
266
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,080
What was?
267
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,600
You know, the...the humping.
268
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,480
In the game.
(Squoiking the dirty words.)
269
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,240
Er...it's not ringing
any immediate bells.
270
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,800
Yeah, no, OK, sure, yeah.
271
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,560
See you later.
272
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,600
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
273
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,400
Fuck me.
274
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,760
What's that?
Fuck me on the heath.
275
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:32,760
Bend me over a rune
stone and ram me like a portcullis.
276
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,000
So sorry. Will you excuse me one
second?
277
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,720
Hey, Meg.
Russell. How can I help?
278
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,200
We were just talking on the thingy.
You and me.
279
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,920
You were talking about
the rune stones just now.
280
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,720
Portcullis?
281
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,280
OK, this is actually quite simple.
I want to bang you in the abstract.
282
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,960
I want to bang the idea of you.
Yeah.
283
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,360
No, not really.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
284
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,560
Conceptually, I want to bang you.
285
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,200
Like, if I close my eyes
right now...
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
286
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,840
OK, yeah. I quite want to bang
Russell.
287
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:22,000
And then when I open them...
OK, yeah, no, definitely don't.
288
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,480
No, totally, I get it. Yeah.
289
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,520
When you can't see me, thumbs up.
290
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,680
When you can see me...
291
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,400
It really is
as simple as that, dude.
292
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:39,040
Great. So, I'll see you back out
there. Back on the field of battle.
293
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,120
Not if I see you first.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
294
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,360
Smash me, Russell.
Smash me like a stack of poppadoms.
295
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,440
What?
296
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,120
Usman! Are you still on?
297
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,960
What time is it there?
298
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,760
It's like one in the morning.
It's like four in the morning.
299
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,040
I've got to tell you
about my evening.
300
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,840
I came back from the store, and
this guy Wade, from my wife's work,
301
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,520
he's mowing my lawn!
302
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,960
He ended up cooking dinner
for the whole family.
303
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,520
Then he put the girls to bed
and read them a story.
304
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,680
I can hear them upstairs together -
Wade, my wife, the girls -
305
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,480
and they're all just laughing.
306
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,920
Meanwhile, I'm downstairs
crafting eternity crystals.
307
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,680
It doesn't get much better
than that. Mind-blowing.
308
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,480
Son, it's your dad.
I want a rematch.
309
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,760
HE SIGHS
Sorry, Usman.
Excuse me one second.
310
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,840
I just need to go murder my father.
Again.
311
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,960
DRAMATIC MUSIC
312
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
CLANKING AND CRUNCHING
313
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:48,920
Shit!
314
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,440
Where were we?
315
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,080
Oh. Look at that.
316
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,760
I'm still holding his head.
317
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,800
Ooh, I know. Let's do penalties.
318
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,400
Yeah, hi. You sent me a mouldy pear
319
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,440
in my online shopping
about six weeks ago.
320
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,920
No, I won't hold.
I want eight pears.
321
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,480
I don't know why eight. It's just
322
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,840
a number I picked out of my head,
and now I want it.
323
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,920
OK. Bye.
324
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,840
Nicky, did you just
demand eight pears?
325
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,640
I just demanded eight pears.
326
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,640
They're coming tomorrow.
327
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,880
Meg, you know
when I killed my father?
328
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,760
Yes, I do, because you talk
about it all the time.
329
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,080
I think I might be invincible.
330
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,520
Yes, it is.
331
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760
I bought a new coat, like Simon's.
332
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,240
It just looks really weird.
333
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:51,560
You even look...
sort of passable for a human.
334
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,440
It's a bit like if the Elephant Man
335
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,800
grew a hipster beard and got some
tattoos
336
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,480
and you put him in skinny jeans
and a beanie hat,
337
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,280
you'd be like,
"Yeah. Sort of. Maybe."
338
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,880
What I'm saying is,
339
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,320
you should basically
take it off right now and burn it.
340
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,360
I like it.
341
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,760
Oh. And, Meg...
342
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,040
Yes, Nicky?
343
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,800
I...
344
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,240
Nothing.
345
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,120
Nicky, you wouldn't be about to
do anything stupid, would you?
346
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,040
Like, I dunno,
cut your own hair or...
347
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,800
tell Meg that you're secretly
in love with her?
348
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,040
Yeah. OK, Alison.
349
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,440
Because that's exactly where I am
in my series arc.
350
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,160
I'm ready to tell Meg
that I love her.
351
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,840
HE SCOFFS
Grow up, Alison.
352
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,040
Right. I might go for a run.
353
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,280
How far is a marathon?
354
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,920
So your dad tells me you've been
playing your game together.
355
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,480
That's right.
356
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,520
Dad?
357
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,560
Did you want to tell her
what we've been doing?
358
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,400
Happy to, Son.
359
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,680
Nicholas teabagged me.
Oh! What's teabags?
360
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,200
Well, first he's cut my head off.
361
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,960
Then he sort of...
just did that, over my head.
362
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,440
Like he's tapping his bollocks
on my face.
363
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,800
I thought it'd be nice
for us to do something together,
364
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,280
but he just keeps killing me
365
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,040
and then tapping his bollocks
on my face,
366
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,640
so I think I'll stop
playing it now.
367
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,160
Sorry for teabagging you, Dad.
368
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,920
I didn't think.
(It's all right.)
369
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,080
So, who wants to carve?
370
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,680
Very funny(!)
371
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,600
I'll carve.
HE SHARPENS KNIFE
372
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,800
How do you mean, very funny?
I mean I'm carving.
373
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,400
You don't think I can carve?
Son, I've seen you carve.
374
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,800
You can't carve.
375
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,320
That's funny, cos I seem to
376
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,600
remember carving you up pretty good
out in the Flatlands.
377
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,680
Well, this is reality, Son.
378
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:38,400
Is it, though, Dad?
Is THIS reality? Is it really?
379
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,840
I'm carving.
380
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,400
Not
until I've carved the meat, Dad.
381
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:49,960
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
382
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,040
Boys...
383
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,560
You do it in chunks.
384
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,280
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
385
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,240
I won't do it in chunks.
386
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,600
I'll do it in slices,
like we all like!
387
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,240
DRAMATIC MUSIC
388
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,600
It's my house. I'll carve.
389
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,720
I'm the more proficient with the
390
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,840
blade, as I clearly demonstrated
on your face, neck and head.
391
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,880
Give me the meat, Son.
392
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,040
I can do it, Dad!
393
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,200
Never!
394
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,560
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
395
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,960
Now...
396
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,160
..shall I be mother?
397
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,080
Usman! Have you seen Meg?
One second.
398
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:57,120
Hey, Wade! I think
Daria has an assignment!
399
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:01,080
Yeah. If you don't mind taking
a look, that would be tremendous!
400
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,560
Sure thing, Usman!
Come here, honey!
401
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,680
Sucker.
402
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,760
I think she went to the House
of the Jade Moon. Her and Russell.
403
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,360
AVATAR JABBERS
Eurgh!
404
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,240
HE MUTTERS
30243
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