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1
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,442
Hey.
2
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:08,791
For Emma's quinceañera,
3
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,271
am I supposed to just get her money,
4
00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:11,707
or if I wanted to add something extra,
5
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,057
would she like a NutriBullet,
6
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,103
makeup, rosary beads,
7
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:19,497
a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"?
8
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,282
She's gonna like whatever you get her.
9
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457
I just want it to be good, you know?
10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067
I always feel like
Emma doesn't like me.
11
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,590
What? Why?
12
00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,853
She always goes to her room
whenever I come over.
13
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,507
And there was the time
she saw in the towel
14
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682
and it was never addressed.
15
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,207
Jonah, she's 15 years old.
16
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,427
If you're not Ariana Grande
or Gritty, she's not into it.
17
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:37,820
Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy
18
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,778
who stole her mom away from her dad.
19
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693
Yeah, no, you're right. It's true.
20
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,436
I was in a happy, fulfilling,
blissful marriage
21
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,699
that would have just gone on
forever and ever
22
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,311
if you hadn't swooped in
and started whispering
23
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226
"This American Life"
stories into my ear
24
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,227
until my panties dropped.
25
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:54,619
I'm just saying.
26
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,187
I don't need to go if
it's gonna make things weird.
27
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102
I mean, between Emma and Adam...
28
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,365
It's not going to be weird.
29
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,541
Calm down. I want you to be there.
30
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,501
It would be weird if you weren't there.
31
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,545
[sighs] You sure?
32
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,461
- Yes.
- Okay. Okay.
33
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,637
Has she ever brought
up the towel thing?
34
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:14,551
Because it was tied pretty low.
35
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,120
It's been discussed.
36
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:20,123
[upbeat music]
37
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,864
♪
38
00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:25,215
[upbeat music]
39
00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:30,481
♪
40
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,702
Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera.
41
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:36,139
- Thanks.
- That dress is great.
42
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,403
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
43
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,353
Okay.
44
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,450
Hey, you two, could I get a photo?
45
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756
- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure.
- All right.
46
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,295
Go ahead and smile.
47
00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,934
Ah, go ahead and actually
get close together.
48
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,849
Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy?
49
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547
- Hi. Hey.
- All right.
50
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,201
Emma, what don't you take
a little step forward?
51
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,724
And, Dad, go ahead
and throw your arms around her.
52
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,291
- Ew, he's not my Dad.
- Yeah, I'm not...
53
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,249
- "Ew" seems strong.
- I'm the father.
54
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,946
Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.
55
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,384
Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend.
56
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,603
I'm not... I'm not her boy...
57
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,431
You know what? You should
probably do this instead of me.
58
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651
- The father-daughter photo?
- Yeah, maybe.
59
00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:11,000
Probably should.
60
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,697
Oh, wow, I'm gonna have
to zoom out on that one.
61
00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,396
- You're so much taller, right?
- Thank you.
62
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,441
There he is. Yeah, I like it.
That's good.
63
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,791
Yeah, you guys,
you're both so... so beautiful.
64
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,794
Thank you.
65
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,623
Oh, you guys, went all out.
66
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,625
Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller,
67
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,629
but then I... I got my promotion,
and I was like, "o it up."
68
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,848
Bo really wanted to come,
69
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,763
but one of his suits
is at the dry cleaner's
70
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,591
and the other one's haunted.
71
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,854
Okay. Yeah, those things happen.
72
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,552
Oh, and, Amy,
Jerusha had to watch Rose,
73
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,860
but there was no way that I was
gonna miss this celebration
74
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,645
of Emma's transition
from girlhood to womanhood
75
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,387
with cultural roots in Mesoamerica.
76
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868
Thank you, Glenn. Did you
spend some time on Wikipedia?
77
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,305
Yeah, I did. How?
78
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,264
- Where's Emma?
- She's over there.
79
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,309
- Oh.
- Aw.
80
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,088
Look at her, in her dress.
81
00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,878
I wore that dress to my quinceañera.
82
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,793
I can't believe it.
83
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,317
Just yesterday,
she was this little baby,
84
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,326
and now she's this grown woman.
85
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,498
I'm so sorry.
I have a lot of feelings today.
86
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,517
Excuse me.
87
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,415
I don't think I've ever
seen Amy show emotion before.
88
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,724
I know, it's so weird.
89
00:03:19,725 --> 00:03:22,419
It's like, I once saw
my dentist yell at a stripper,
90
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336
and it was like,
"Oh, you do have feelings."
91
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:29,731
Amy doesn't cry often,
but when she does, oh, boy.
92
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,299
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's awful.
93
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:34,301
It's like... [wails]
94
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,391
No, it's, um... [whines]
95
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,001
No, I can't do it.
96
00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,568
I would really like to see that.
97
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,537
- Me too.
- Mm.
98
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,965
♪ I've never been afraid ♪
99
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:50,404
♪ I've loved the life we've made ♪
100
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,407
Why are you lurking in the corner?
101
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,322
I'm not lurking.
102
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,802
I'm standing silently in the shadows.
103
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,282
Lurking works, yeah.
104
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,132
I'm just trying to stay out
of everyone's way, you know?
105
00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:04,287
Jonah, relax. It's a party.
106
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,724
You should be mingling.
Go talk to someone
107
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,683
about how second season
of "Patriot" gets better.
108
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,727
It doesn't.
109
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,555
See? This is a great conversation.
110
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,904
Get out there.
111
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:16,299
Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here!
112
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,909
- Just talk to them.
- I... I'm fine...
113
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694
You remember Jonah.
114
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,827
- Hey, guys! Hey!
- Nice to see you.
115
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,786
- Hi, Jonah.
- It's been a while. Hi.
116
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,614
Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you.
117
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,051
Connie, I love that dress.
118
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,880
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
119
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,247
Thank you.
120
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405
[clears throat] You know, I think
121
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,102
- you're running low on ice.
- I don't think we are.
122
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,626
Well, nobody ever thinks
they're running low on ice
123
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,715
until they're actually low
on ice, and then it's too late,
124
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,065
so I'm gonna go get
some ice from outside.
125
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,372
Uh, excuse me.
126
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,767
It's his first quinceañera.
127
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,726
If everybody could take their seats,
128
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,771
we're gonna begin
the presentation of Emma
129
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730
and her court ofdamas y chambelanes
130
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,167
in just a few minutes.
131
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343
They're breasts!
132
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,649
- I wasn't... I was just...
- Uh-huh.
133
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,480
It was a bold choice
to wear a dress like that
134
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482
at a party full
of a bunch of horny teens.
135
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092
You're really putting
the ladies out there.
136
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,833
Why should I have to police my body
137
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,748
because the men of this world
can't keep it in their pants?
138
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,793
- I agree.
- I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,
139
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:16,925
we would be all naked right now,
140
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,361
dancing around a fire pentacle
141
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667
and grabbing each other's crotches.
142
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,146
It really sounds like
you've done that before.
143
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,227
A couple of times.
144
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:26,804
♪ Didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
145
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:31,853
♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
146
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,507
♪ Feelin' all alone
without a friend... ♪
147
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:37,380
And put your hands together
for Marco and Daniela.
148
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,165
[cheers and applause]
149
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,907
[upbeat percussive music]
150
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:45,954
All right, and now,
everybody, on your feet.
151
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,782
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you
152
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:51,655
thequinceañera herself,
Emma Dubanowski!
153
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,396
[cheers and applause]
154
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,180
♪ I wanna see you
when I turn around... ♪
155
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,966
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you guys were...
156
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,620
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, watch out.
157
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,013
Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I was getting ice.
158
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015
We can see that, big guy.
Just get out of the way.
159
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,018
- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm...
- [all gasp]
160
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,150
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
161
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108
If you guys... just... just back up.
162
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,415
I don't want anybody to slip.
It's... it's slippery.
163
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591
It's good to see Jonah again.
164
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,940
I'm glad that's happening for you.
165
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,681
- Thank you.
- You know what?
166
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,030
We're gonna take a break
and clear the floor,
167
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,292
so everyone just chill
168
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,990
and we'll take it again from the top.
169
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:25,472
Okay, again, very sorry.
170
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908
If you need anything, I'm just gonna...
171
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,257
you don't need anything.
You guys are good.
172
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,561
I'm... okay. I'm gonna
stop talking right now.
173
00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,220
So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email.
174
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,049
If you could send me
a copy of this video,
175
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,550
that would be great.
176
00:06:39,593 --> 00:06:43,423
It could be any file, any size.
I don't care.
177
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:47,261
Come on, it wasn't that bad.
178
00:06:47,304 --> 00:06:48,523
If anything, you did her a favor.
179
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,351
How many girls get to do
their entrance twice?
180
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:54,102
One of the kids said,
"Smooth move, dick."
181
00:06:54,822 --> 00:06:56,277
Like, just so uncalled for.
182
00:06:56,771 --> 00:06:58,620
I'm sure most of them
didn't even notice.
183
00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,144
Look at them. Hey!
184
00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:04,191
Hey! Hey!
185
00:07:05,223 --> 00:07:05,758
Hello?
186
00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:07,542
Oh, my God.
187
00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:10,396
Look, I just want you to know
188
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,268
that nothing happened
between Jonah and Amy
189
00:07:12,311 --> 00:07:13,617
while you guys were together.
190
00:07:13,661 --> 00:07:15,184
I mean, sure they kissed
during the tornado,
191
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,315
but I'm pretty sure that was it.
192
00:07:16,359 --> 00:07:17,795
Well, thanks for letting me know that.
193
00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:20,145
Yeah. But then, of course,
there was the sex tape
194
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:22,147
that happened at work.
195
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:25,614
If it helps, we found out
later, Amy didn't finish.
196
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:28,676
Jonah did, though, so...
197
00:07:29,299 --> 00:07:31,635
- Sorry about that.
- Buddy, cut it out.
198
00:07:31,679 --> 00:07:33,530
- Cut what out?
- Dude, look,
199
00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:35,596
I was your age once.
I was obsessed with breasts.
200
00:07:35,639 --> 00:07:37,293
I'm still a fan, but she's my friend,
201
00:07:37,336 --> 00:07:38,816
so stop staring at her.
202
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:42,080
I wasn't. I don't care about
some lady's fake boobs.
203
00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:43,299
[chuckles] Okay, all right.
204
00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:44,866
Well, they're real, but whatever.
205
00:07:44,909 --> 00:07:46,607
They're totally fake.
206
00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,347
You can tell when they're
too round like that.
207
00:07:48,391 --> 00:07:50,219
Dude, don't act like
you know about breasts.
208
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,699
I dated her. They're real.
209
00:07:51,742 --> 00:07:52,705
You dated her?
210
00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:54,702
So you've, like, seen them?
211
00:07:54,745 --> 00:07:56,660
Yeah. When adults date each other,
212
00:07:56,704 --> 00:07:58,227
they show each other their boobs.
213
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,229
What are they like? Are they awesome?
214
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,313
Buddy, I'm not telling you about that.
215
00:08:04,712 --> 00:08:06,714
But the right one's a little
perkier than the left one,
216
00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:09,368
but not in like a weird
Picasso kind of way,
217
00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:11,762
and they're sort of spread out,
but not like Admiral Ackbar.
218
00:08:11,806 --> 00:08:13,198
It's like they're...
219
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:14,739
[sighs] You know what?
220
00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:17,463
I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on.
221
00:08:19,422 --> 00:08:21,772
And on this day of your quinceañera,
222
00:08:21,816 --> 00:08:26,124
I wanted to get you
something muy especial, so...
223
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,474
both: Holy [bleep].
224
00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:31,390
It's the traditional last doll,
225
00:08:31,434 --> 00:08:32,740
última muñeca.
226
00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:35,438
Jerusha and I worked
really hard on this.
227
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:36,526
Do you like it?
228
00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,571
Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you.
229
00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:40,617
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
230
00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:42,706
Oh, if you're wondering
why the hair looks so real?
231
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:44,229
Because it is.
232
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:47,145
Yeah, Jerusha got her hair
caught in the garbage disposal,
233
00:08:47,189 --> 00:08:50,192
so, you know, we saved it for you.
234
00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:51,445
Thank you.
235
00:08:52,716 --> 00:08:54,703
Put her away.
236
00:08:55,632 --> 00:08:57,590
- Keep her safe.
- Yeah.
237
00:08:57,634 --> 00:09:00,463
[Terrell Burt's
"Come and Dance" playing]
238
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:06,295
♪
239
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,514
Emma, if I could give you any advice,
240
00:09:08,558 --> 00:09:10,429
it would be,
never give your virtue away.
241
00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:13,432
Hold it, protect it until you meet
242
00:09:13,476 --> 00:09:15,304
that special man
that you will call husband.
243
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,697
This is, like,
the fifth speech in a row
244
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:17,915
about Emma's virginity.
245
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,221
- It's weird.
- I know.
246
00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:22,441
It's like, who hasn't lost
their virginity by 15?
247
00:09:22,485 --> 00:09:24,530
Studies show that
pushing abstinence on kids
248
00:09:24,574 --> 00:09:25,967
actually makes them
want to have sex more.
249
00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:27,751
Or it encourages them
to try butt stuff,
250
00:09:27,795 --> 00:09:29,710
which, hey, God bless.
251
00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:33,670
So it kind of curves
up here to décolletage.
252
00:09:33,714 --> 00:09:34,758
That's a crumb.
253
00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:37,326
That's not, like, a third nipple.
254
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,994
Then over here,
there's sort of a quick little dip,
255
00:09:39,995 --> 00:09:42,679
like that first drop
in Batman: The Ride.
256
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:45,334
And I know it seems like
I'm spending a lot of time
257
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:49,381
on the sternum, but it's really
all about that negative space.
258
00:09:49,425 --> 00:09:51,340
Because losing
the precious gift of chastity
259
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,298
would be the biggest mistake
of your life,
260
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,257
almost as big a mistake
as when this guy
261
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,519
ruined your big entrance.
262
00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:58,739
[laughter]
263
00:09:58,782 --> 00:10:00,349
[chuckles weakly]
264
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,481
From before, yeah. Zing.
265
00:10:02,525 --> 00:10:08,661
♪ Fire, baby ♪
266
00:10:08,705 --> 00:10:11,494
Because, as we all know,
267
00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:16,713
the unopened chips
always stays the freshest.
268
00:10:16,757 --> 00:10:18,367
- [applause]
- Thank you.
269
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,803
Ah, who's next?
270
00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:21,674
Oh, God, no. Pass.
271
00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:23,807
Ouch, so cold.
272
00:10:23,851 --> 00:10:26,984
I don't... I don't mean pass
like I-I-I don't care.
273
00:10:27,028 --> 00:10:29,378
I just... uh...
274
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,858
I... sorry, when I...
275
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:32,381
when I said, "Pass,"
276
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,904
I just meant, like,
I don't want to say anything.
277
00:10:33,948 --> 00:10:37,560
Not... sorry,
not because I don't like Emma.
278
00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:40,868
It's just, it feels silly
for me to be giving a speech
279
00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,636
when I'm not even
a part of the family yet.
280
00:10:43,637 --> 00:10:45,394
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
281
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,830
That doesn't... that's not a... no.
282
00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:48,049
Don't read into the word "yet," no.
283
00:10:48,092 --> 00:10:49,169
Believe me, we're... [chuckles]
284
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,052
We're not getting married, okay?
285
00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:52,488
I mean, I don't mean that we're never...
286
00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:53,794
we're never gonna get married.
287
00:10:53,837 --> 00:10:55,447
[stumbling] I mean, we haven't even
288
00:10:55,491 --> 00:10:57,090
talked about it, right?
289
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,321
You know what? I should probably
290
00:10:59,364 --> 00:11:00,888
just stick with the standard script
291
00:11:00,931 --> 00:11:03,586
and say, um, congrats, Emma,
292
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:07,808
and I guess stay a virgin
or don't... or don't.
293
00:11:07,851 --> 00:11:11,028
You know, that's...
your sexuality is your own.
294
00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:12,377
- Okay.
- Thank you.
295
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:16,400
Thank you for those kind words, Jonah.
296
00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:18,775
- Here.
- Just...
297
00:11:19,582 --> 00:11:22,387
But, uh, we got some more
partying to do, folks.
298
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:25,564
I budgeted six shrimp
per person, so go to town.
299
00:11:25,608 --> 00:11:27,697
And if there aren't any more toasts...
300
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,526
Actually, Amy, uh, I just
wanted to say a few words
301
00:11:30,569 --> 00:11:31,919
on the topic of female pleasure...
302
00:11:31,962 --> 00:11:33,659
[feedback squeals]
303
00:11:33,703 --> 00:11:36,662
Oops, it's... it's broken.
304
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,542
Hi.
305
00:11:43,802 --> 00:11:45,324
How are you doing?
306
00:11:46,062 --> 00:11:48,368
Fantastic. Life of the party.
307
00:11:49,587 --> 00:11:51,197
[yawns]
308
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:53,330
Man, I am so tired.
309
00:11:53,373 --> 00:11:55,506
I really wish I could go home now.
310
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,290
You can, though, if you wanted to.
311
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,989
You know, if you're...
if you're feeling beat.
312
00:12:00,032 --> 00:12:01,555
I mean, it's only 8:30.
313
00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:05,472
Oh, okay, only 8:30,
Mr. Party All Night.
314
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,257
I wish I could be in bed
with a good book.
315
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,674
Doesn't that sound great?
316
00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:11,391
You've literally never read in bed.
317
00:12:11,435 --> 00:12:14,046
You play "Candy Crush"
until you're snoring.
318
00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:16,570
Ha! Yeah, that's true.
I love that game.
319
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,183
- Maybe I should take off.
- No, no.
320
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:21,967
That's... that's not what I want.
321
00:12:22,011 --> 00:12:26,276
I-I want you be here,
just not so noticeably.
322
00:12:26,319 --> 00:12:29,540
- That's what I want.
- Fingers crossed.
323
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,411
[upbeat dance music]
324
00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:32,789
Excuse me.
325
00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:34,980
Were you the one who drew
these breasts for my child?
326
00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:37,113
What? No. What? Who's your son?
327
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,331
In the future, I'd appreciate
328
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,507
if you didn't give
pornography to my child.
329
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,385
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a child.
330
00:12:42,814 --> 00:12:44,103
Got it, child.
331
00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:45,686
Those are my breasts.
332
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:49,429
What? No. I drew those from scratch.
333
00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:50,996
I think I'd recognize my own breasts.
334
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,606
I have over 40 mirrors in my house.
335
00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:54,652
Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts,
336
00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:56,436
but it was just that this nerd kid
337
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,569
said that they were fake, and
I was like, "No, they're not."
338
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,005
And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I...
339
00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:01,615
This is a really
impressive level of detail.
340
00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:03,008
Did you just do this from memory?
341
00:13:03,052 --> 00:13:04,053
Yeah.
342
00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:05,880
Wow. I guess I didn't realize
343
00:13:05,881 --> 00:13:07,186
how obsessed you are with me.
344
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:07,931
What?
345
00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:10,233
Well, it's almost sad.
346
00:13:10,276 --> 00:13:12,104
Poor Garrett, pining after a woman
347
00:13:12,148 --> 00:13:13,671
who barely knows he's alive.
348
00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:15,716
No, I think you are reading
way too much into a drawing.
349
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,855
I draw Garfield too.
350
00:13:16,856 --> 00:13:18,710
I don't want to have sex
with Garfield. I'm not Jon.
351
00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:23,681
- Stop!
- [Laughs]
352
00:13:23,724 --> 00:13:26,249
Emma is the spitting image
of you by the way.
353
00:13:26,292 --> 00:13:29,310
Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry.
354
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:33,125
Yesterday she was this
little girl in pigtails
355
00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:34,257
running around the house,
356
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,173
and now she's this smart, confident,
357
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,391
beautiful young woman.
358
00:13:38,435 --> 00:13:40,222
You must be so proud.
359
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:41,764
I am.
360
00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:46,051
And pretty soon, you're
gonna be at her graduation
361
00:13:46,095 --> 00:13:49,363
and then her wedding, then her funeral.
362
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:51,317
What?
363
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:54,451
I mean, you know, someday. Not now.
364
00:13:54,494 --> 00:13:55,983
She's not gonna live forever.
365
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,031
Hopefully you'll die first.
366
00:13:58,907 --> 00:13:59,668
Okay.
367
00:14:01,387 --> 00:14:02,693
I'm gonna go, um,
368
00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:06,581
mingle with some other... over there.
369
00:14:07,969 --> 00:14:09,091
She didn't mean it.
370
00:14:09,814 --> 00:14:13,078
- Oh.
- Wow, she is a robot.
371
00:14:14,514 --> 00:14:16,342
[speaking Spanish]
372
00:14:18,910 --> 00:14:20,607
Hey, have you tried these?
373
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,697
These are called pastelitos de perro.
374
00:14:23,741 --> 00:14:26,396
It's a traditional Honduran food.
375
00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:28,180
Those are pizza rolls.
376
00:14:28,839 --> 00:14:29,703
Oh.
377
00:14:29,747 --> 00:14:31,575
The Honduran food is here.
378
00:14:31,618 --> 00:14:33,533
Oh, well, that's what I want.
379
00:14:33,577 --> 00:14:35,709
I'm not some boring gringo, you know.
380
00:14:35,753 --> 00:14:38,190
Well, give that spice.
Show me the mole.
381
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:41,280
Oh, that's it. [Laughs]
382
00:14:41,324 --> 00:14:42,368
[coughs]
383
00:14:42,412 --> 00:14:44,414
[gulps]
384
00:14:44,457 --> 00:14:49,767
Both: ♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
385
00:14:49,810 --> 00:14:52,378
- You're Emma's hero, Amy.
- You really are.
386
00:14:52,422 --> 00:14:56,861
Both: ♪ Everything I would like to be ♪
387
00:14:56,904 --> 00:15:00,212
- You're her role model.
- She's your only daughter.
388
00:15:00,256 --> 00:15:05,138
Both: ♪ I can fly higher
than an eagle ♪
389
00:15:05,139 --> 00:15:07,480
- Leaving the nest so soon.
- Never coming back.
390
00:15:07,524 --> 00:15:12,529
Both: ♪ You are the wind
beneath Emma's ♪
391
00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:19,579
♪ Wings ♪
392
00:15:21,538 --> 00:15:25,150
Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you.
393
00:15:25,194 --> 00:15:28,153
[applause]
394
00:15:28,197 --> 00:15:30,155
Do you have the dead grandma
song from "Coco"?
395
00:15:30,199 --> 00:15:32,679
No, no, maybe we should get
back to the dancing.
396
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,028
I think you're gonna wanna hear this.
397
00:15:34,072 --> 00:15:35,421
You're gonna wanna
hear this, definitely.
398
00:15:35,465 --> 00:15:37,423
Like at night, when
you fantasize about me,
399
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:40,383
do you think of a specific
incident of us having sex,
400
00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:42,428
or is it more just picturing me
there in the moment?
401
00:15:42,472 --> 00:15:44,558
- Please stop.
- All right.
402
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,564
If you're not obsessed with me,
then I guess you won't care
403
00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:49,174
if I ask McLovin over there to dance.
404
00:15:49,218 --> 00:15:51,568
- Be my guest.
- Okay, I will.
405
00:15:51,611 --> 00:15:53,483
Hey, acne...[snaps fingers]
Let's dance.
406
00:15:53,526 --> 00:15:56,747
Me? Yeah. Sure. We did
ballroom in gym one time.
407
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,836
Oh, good.
408
00:15:58,879 --> 00:16:02,448
♪ Party like a movie star ♪
409
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:03,772
Hey.
410
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:05,462
Hey.
411
00:16:06,496 --> 00:16:07,801
Everything all right?
412
00:16:07,845 --> 00:16:08,802
[sighs]
413
00:16:08,846 --> 00:16:10,245
Yeah, I hear ya.
414
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:14,547
Look, I'm sorry about all
the... you know, the ice
415
00:16:14,591 --> 00:16:18,247
and the speech, the towel incident.
416
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:20,510
I really didn't think
that you were home.
417
00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:24,262
Here's the thing: I...
418
00:16:25,341 --> 00:16:28,779
I really like your Mom
and I know she loves you
419
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,651
and then I get all in my head
about wanting you to like me.
420
00:16:31,695 --> 00:16:32,994
And then...
421
00:16:34,031 --> 00:16:35,296
I am so high.
422
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:37,806
- What?
- I'm freaking out.
423
00:16:38,658 --> 00:16:39,417
Oh.
424
00:16:40,486 --> 00:16:43,502
♪ Party up, live it up with me, baby ♪
425
00:16:44,158 --> 00:16:47,031
[upbeat pop music]
426
00:16:47,928 --> 00:16:54,935
♪
427
00:16:56,023 --> 00:16:58,243
My cousin Marco brought a vape pen,
428
00:16:58,287 --> 00:17:00,289
and, at first, I didn't feel anything
429
00:17:00,332 --> 00:17:01,899
and so I did some more
430
00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:04,118
and then I wasn't even sure
if there was anything in it
431
00:17:04,162 --> 00:17:05,278
because Marco is a liar
432
00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:07,992
and now I am very feeling
something a lot.
433
00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:10,864
Okay, okay,
it's... it's... it's gonna be okay.
434
00:17:10,908 --> 00:17:12,866
I feel like my heart's
filling with blood.
435
00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:14,955
Then it's doing its job.
436
00:17:14,999 --> 00:17:16,218
Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?
437
00:17:16,261 --> 00:17:17,262
I'm gonna get your Mom...
438
00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,090
No, no, you can't tell my parents.
439
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,745
Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay.
440
00:17:21,788 --> 00:17:25,879
Well, then we're just gonna
sit here and ride it out.
441
00:17:25,923 --> 00:17:29,231
Hey, can I sit with my little princess?
442
00:17:29,274 --> 00:17:30,884
Nah, we're good.
443
00:17:30,928 --> 00:17:32,110
I'd like to sit
with my granddaughter...
444
00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:33,075
Connie, please!
445
00:17:39,371 --> 00:17:42,113
The kid says he thinks
I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.
446
00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,071
- Well, no, I...
- Yeah, yeah.
447
00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:45,638
He's super into me!
448
00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:47,041
Okay, cool.
449
00:17:49,207 --> 00:17:50,339
What is she doing?
450
00:17:50,382 --> 00:17:52,341
She's trying to seduce
a 15-year-old kid
451
00:17:52,384 --> 00:17:53,899
in order to make me jealous.
452
00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,821
- Is it working?
- Not really.
453
00:17:57,084 --> 00:17:58,956
This is a really nice party.
454
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:00,044
You know, this whole tent
455
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:02,570
and the DJ and the centerpieces...
456
00:18:02,571 --> 00:18:05,163
you went... I mean, you went for it.
457
00:18:05,164 --> 00:18:06,963
Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you.
458
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:10,110
It was really nice
to be able to this for her.
459
00:18:10,278 --> 00:18:10,884
Yeah.
460
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,105
And when it's time for her wedding,
461
00:18:13,141 --> 00:18:16,398
I will...
I will handle the lion's share.
462
00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,368
Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
463
00:18:18,369 --> 00:18:19,837
It's good. I got it covered.
464
00:18:19,838 --> 00:18:23,276
I actually just bought
some stock in a drone company,
465
00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:25,116
so it's gonna even out pretty quick.
466
00:18:27,311 --> 00:18:28,484
Sounds promising.
467
00:18:28,485 --> 00:18:30,245
Those things are gonna be everywhere,
468
00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:31,956
flying.
469
00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:36,429
This is my first quinceañera!
470
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,344
I love your Latinx traditions.
471
00:18:40,221 --> 00:18:41,836
Huh? How am I doing?
472
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:42,727
All right,
473
00:18:42,728 --> 00:18:44,660
I'd like to ask everybody
to please clear the floor.
474
00:18:44,703 --> 00:18:46,357
It's now time for
the father-daughter dance.
475
00:18:46,401 --> 00:18:48,272
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
476
00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:49,447
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
477
00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:51,275
- It's gonna be fine.
- He's gonna know.
478
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,756
He's gonna know.
No, he's not gonna know.
479
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,854
You can do this.
480
00:18:56,149 --> 00:18:57,368
Okay. Okay.
481
00:18:57,412 --> 00:18:58,466
Gonna be great.
482
00:18:59,979 --> 00:19:01,285
[gentle piano music]
483
00:19:01,329 --> 00:19:03,069
[whimpers]
484
00:19:03,113 --> 00:19:07,770
♪
485
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,903
Okay, maybe just try to walk normal.
486
00:19:10,947 --> 00:19:12,340
Is this not normal?
487
00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:14,342
No, no, no, no, no, no,
this is... this is great.
488
00:19:14,385 --> 00:19:16,779
This is how people walk. You got it.
489
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,781
♪ How to be brave ♪
490
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,174
- She looks nervous.
- It's fine.
491
00:19:21,218 --> 00:19:23,786
♪ When I'm afraid?
492
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,744
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
493
00:19:25,788 --> 00:19:27,147
You know what? Sorry.
494
00:19:27,148 --> 00:19:29,835
Uh, I think, actually, we're
gonna try and squeeze one in,
495
00:19:29,879 --> 00:19:31,750
uh, before the father-daughter.
496
00:19:31,794 --> 00:19:32,882
What?
497
00:19:32,925 --> 00:19:34,879
And this is the song we practiced to.
498
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,800
Yeah, uh, well,
we can play it again for you.
499
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,672
You know, I'm sure the DJ has
a repeat button on the thing.
500
00:19:40,716 --> 00:19:42,108
- What?
- Jonah.
501
00:19:42,152 --> 00:19:44,285
- Hmm?
- You need to sit down.
502
00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:47,766
No, no, not until
this song is over, at least,
503
00:19:47,810 --> 00:19:51,335
and maybe... maybe just a few
more after that, you know?
504
00:19:51,379 --> 00:19:53,816
You're makin' it weird, dog.
Just let her go.
505
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,208
Let her go!
506
00:19:55,252 --> 00:19:57,298
Not... not gonna happen, Connie.
507
00:19:57,341 --> 00:19:59,778
♪ I have loved you for... ♪
508
00:19:59,822 --> 00:20:02,259
So this has one terabyte on it.
509
00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:04,348
If you could just put all
the raw footage on there.
510
00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,307
You don't have to edit it.
I'll take care of that.
511
00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:09,616
This is fun.
512
00:20:17,056 --> 00:20:20,451
I know. I'm sorry.
I ruined the quinceañera.
513
00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:23,019
I made it weird.
I-I-I don't know why I...
514
00:20:23,062 --> 00:20:23,885
She was high.
515
00:20:25,064 --> 00:20:26,072
She told me.
516
00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:27,490
Ah.
517
00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:30,151
That was a very nice thing you did.
518
00:20:31,419 --> 00:20:33,334
But, uh, for future reference,
519
00:20:33,377 --> 00:20:36,380
the next time my child
is on drugs, tell me.
520
00:20:36,424 --> 00:20:37,360
Got it.
521
00:20:38,077 --> 00:20:40,515
I did see Parker snorting cocaine
522
00:20:40,558 --> 00:20:42,517
off his "Paw Patrol" table last week.
523
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:43,996
Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one.
524
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,304
Hey, Amy, you've gotta see
this video of a deaf kid
525
00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:49,262
hearing his mother's voice
for the first time.
526
00:20:49,306 --> 00:20:51,047
Um, I'm okay, thank you.
527
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:53,049
It's really moving, though.
528
00:20:53,092 --> 00:20:54,398
Just not... not right now.
529
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,315
Ow!
530
00:20:58,839 --> 00:21:01,449
Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne?
531
00:21:01,492 --> 00:21:03,973
Um, uh, I'm sorry.
532
00:21:04,016 --> 00:21:06,149
I was just trying something.
It didn't work, okay.
533
00:21:06,192 --> 00:21:07,933
Sorry, night, okay.
534
00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:13,286
You really should've kick her back.
535
00:21:14,127 --> 00:21:16,827
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for www.addic7ed.com
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