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1
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Here you go.
2
00:00:01,104 --> 00:00:02,171
What's this?
3
00:00:02,171 --> 00:00:04,037
Our 10 year anniversary's coming up.
4
00:00:04,036 --> 00:00:05,502
Is this my gift?
5
00:00:05,502 --> 00:00:07,435
Mm mm just a little
contract that I've drawn up
6
00:00:07,433 --> 00:00:09,910
and I invite you, an alleged attorney to
7
00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:11,799
review my proposed deal points.
8
00:00:11,798 --> 00:00:12,997
Deal points of what?
9
00:00:12,997 --> 00:00:14,362
Well, remember when we got married,
10
00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:16,962
I gave you 10 years
together, tops to box?
11
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,193
Yes, I remember.
12
00:00:18,193 --> 00:00:21,027
Well, it's time to renegot...
13
00:00:21,024 --> 00:00:23,757
Wow, as long as we don't
get to use the term renegot
14
00:00:23,754 --> 00:00:24,821
as much as we'd like...
15
00:00:24,821 --> 00:00:26,192
Really? That's surprising.
16
00:00:26,215 --> 00:00:28,081
But I am looking forward to
reviewing your proposed terms.
17
00:00:28,102 --> 00:00:29,585
Wonderful, great!
18
00:00:29,598 --> 00:00:31,582
I'm assuming this is a
standard 10 year contract.
19
00:00:31,603 --> 00:00:35,520
Oh no, it is five
years and just know that
20
00:00:36,164 --> 00:00:37,496
I had to really coax my client
21
00:00:37,511 --> 00:00:38,843
to get the number up that high.
22
00:00:38,841 --> 00:00:42,429
She was pushing for a much lower number.
23
00:00:42,463 --> 00:00:43,484
Your client being you.
24
00:00:43,484 --> 00:00:45,016
Yes, correct.
25
00:00:45,016 --> 00:00:46,249
Ah, ok.
26
00:00:46,249 --> 00:00:48,679
Well uh, says here I get
five boob grabs a week.
27
00:00:48,699 --> 00:00:51,129
I'll be changing that to unlimited.
28
00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:53,417
Alright, I think we
can adjust that as long
29
00:00:53,415 --> 00:00:55,382
as you're willing to
give on a few issues.
30
00:00:55,381 --> 00:00:57,513
Please note deal point number three.
31
00:00:57,511 --> 00:01:00,713
Mike cannot lose his sweet, toned ass.
32
00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:01,826
- Oh boy.
- I mean, at this point
33
00:01:01,848 --> 00:01:05,149
I think it's most of the reason
that we're still together, so.
34
00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:09,360
Wait, I gotta keep my ass
in perfect condition forever?
35
00:01:09,355 --> 00:01:12,757
No, there's obviously a
certain amount of expected
36
00:01:12,753 --> 00:01:14,886
depreciation that's acceptable.
37
00:01:14,884 --> 00:01:16,217
Ok, I get it.
38
00:01:16,217 --> 00:01:17,750
Yeah, my client just needs to know
39
00:01:17,749 --> 00:01:19,783
that certain proactive
steps are being taken
40
00:01:19,782 --> 00:01:21,148
to protect the asset.
41
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,380
Alright, that's reasonable.
42
00:01:22,379 --> 00:01:23,402
Thank you.
43
00:01:23,426 --> 00:01:25,190
But if this is the body area
that we're talking about,
44
00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:27,812
I motion to put in a butt sex addendum
45
00:01:27,809 --> 00:01:30,021
- into this revised contract.
- Really?
46
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,874
Yep, I propose that instead
of the current 36 years
47
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:35,135
that I have to wait, that
we adjust that number to a
48
00:01:35,213 --> 00:01:37,413
much more reasonable two weeks.
49
00:01:37,412 --> 00:01:39,345
Motion strongly denied.
50
00:01:39,343 --> 00:01:41,644
So you're the lead
prosecutor and the judge?
51
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:43,174
When it comes to my butt hole,
52
00:01:43,174 --> 00:01:46,109
I am the judge, the
bailiff, the prosecutor.
53
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,139
You're the prosecutest.
54
00:01:56,797 --> 00:02:00,902
If you need me, I will be at my mothers.
55
00:02:05,481 --> 00:02:10,481
- Synced and corrected by AnsumanChoudhury -
- www.addic7ed.com -
56
00:02:20,045 --> 00:02:21,883
How many vests can
you donate to Goodwill
57
00:02:21,881 --> 00:02:24,665
before they're required to
run a background check on you?
58
00:02:24,685 --> 00:02:27,009
Oh, Uncle Harry loved his vests.
59
00:02:27,030 --> 00:02:28,430
I know he did.
60
00:02:28,472 --> 00:02:29,537
You doin' ok?
61
00:02:29,537 --> 00:02:31,337
Yeah, he was 93.
62
00:02:31,336 --> 00:02:33,336
He lived a good life
and he died in his sleep.
63
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:34,834
What more could you want?
64
00:02:34,834 --> 00:02:36,033
Do we have funeral plans yet?
65
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,200
Well yeah, we'll all go to the cemetery
66
00:02:38,198 --> 00:02:40,398
but he didn't have kids
you know, so I feel like
67
00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:41,920
if we don't do something,
then he won't have
68
00:02:41,942 --> 00:02:43,155
any sort of a memorial.
69
00:02:43,241 --> 00:02:44,259
Yeah, you should do something.
70
00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:45,726
That would be nice for everyone.
71
00:02:45,725 --> 00:02:47,892
I know, but I don't
wanna do it at my house
72
00:02:47,890 --> 00:02:49,991
because I just had Leon's 70th.
73
00:02:49,990 --> 00:02:51,021
We could do it at ours.
74
00:02:51,044 --> 00:02:52,791
- Really?
- Of course, happy to.
75
00:02:52,813 --> 00:02:57,224
I mean, obviously, this means I
am now the matriarch of the family
76
00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:59,611
which leaves you pretty much obsolete.
77
00:02:59,649 --> 00:03:01,782
I mean, we'll throw ya in a pastel hat
78
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:05,677
and trot you out for parades
but, no one's interested.
79
00:03:05,696 --> 00:03:08,130
Well, I am thrilled to pass the torch.
80
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:09,750
So, thank you very much.
81
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,399
Great, now we're even
for everything you've
82
00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:12,920
- ever done for me.
- Perfect!
83
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,226
That was easier than I thought.
84
00:03:14,249 --> 00:03:16,583
I'm looking forward to seeing
everybody at the funeral though.
85
00:03:16,603 --> 00:03:18,023
- I know, me too.
- Is that terrible?
86
00:03:18,044 --> 00:03:20,782
No! I feel like when you die at 93,
87
00:03:20,803 --> 00:03:22,602
it's more like a family reunion, right?
88
00:03:22,624 --> 00:03:24,902
Like we're celebrating him.
89
00:03:24,923 --> 00:03:26,032
I'm gonna invite Jennifer.
90
00:03:26,055 --> 00:03:27,657
How is poor Jennifer, by the way?
91
00:03:28,027 --> 00:03:30,588
Why do you have to say poor Jennifer?
92
00:03:30,609 --> 00:03:32,250
Because she's divorced and alone
93
00:03:32,272 --> 00:03:33,851
and she has to take
care of those poor kids.
94
00:03:33,872 --> 00:03:35,586
Now the kids are poor?
95
00:03:35,608 --> 00:03:36,995
- Oh my...
- I'm just saying
96
00:03:37,018 --> 00:03:39,185
I wish that she could
find somebody, that's all.
97
00:03:39,196 --> 00:03:44,199
Oh my gosh, Mom, not everyone
needs a man to be happy, ok?
98
00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:47,031
Although, in this case, she
did just start dating someone
99
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:49,091
and sounds very ecstatic.
100
00:03:49,089 --> 00:03:50,354
Well, well.
101
00:03:50,354 --> 00:03:56,394
Oh Mom, I think I just found
party favors for the memorial.
102
00:03:56,408 --> 00:03:58,040
Stop fondling his underwear.
103
00:03:58,063 --> 00:03:59,663
Just throw them away.
104
00:03:59,685 --> 00:04:01,959
How is this fondling his underwear?
105
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:05,815
This would be fondling his underwear.
106
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:06,953
I'm turning around.
107
00:04:06,976 --> 00:04:08,688
Wouldn't you wanna be
dead and know that someone
108
00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:10,504
was having fun with your underwear?
109
00:04:10,526 --> 00:04:11,636
Oh God.
110
00:04:11,659 --> 00:04:13,326
Dare to dream.
111
00:04:18,870 --> 00:04:20,836
- I loved Uncle Harry.
- I know, he was the best.
112
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,234
The funeral's on Saturday.
113
00:04:22,234 --> 00:04:24,305
I'm actually having the
memorial at my house after.
114
00:04:24,427 --> 00:04:27,721
Wow, you're like a real grown up lady.
115
00:04:27,741 --> 00:04:29,208
I know, thank you!
116
00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:31,454
I'm like the Dowager Warren.
117
00:04:31,475 --> 00:04:33,810
This is like what my mom
and my aunts used to do.
118
00:04:33,825 --> 00:04:36,793
Alright, can we just
get to the issue at hand?
119
00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:39,490
I'm not interested in chatting
with you or seeing you.
120
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:42,288
I'm only agreed to this
meeting to hear about
121
00:04:42,286 --> 00:04:45,739
- a one Josh.
- You're such an asshole.
122
00:04:45,758 --> 00:04:47,574
I would love to.
123
00:04:47,595 --> 00:04:48,753
So he's pretty great.
124
00:04:48,776 --> 00:04:49,776
Ok.
125
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,806
He's 46.
126
00:04:50,829 --> 00:04:52,312
A perfect age.
127
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,500
He's British.
128
00:04:54,171 --> 00:04:55,171
I know.
129
00:04:55,455 --> 00:04:57,188
He's also divorced, which is good.
130
00:04:57,187 --> 00:04:58,587
That's good.
131
00:04:58,586 --> 00:05:00,486
And the sex is like...
132
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:03,853
Not good?
133
00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:06,002
No it's amazing.
134
00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:11,159
Please sit down in my office.
135
00:05:11,181 --> 00:05:13,171
I'm gonna just quickly text Mike,
136
00:05:13,183 --> 00:05:15,626
let him know that I will not
be home for dinner tonight.
137
00:05:15,647 --> 00:05:18,148
Alright, when you say amazing,
138
00:05:18,146 --> 00:05:20,300
what are we talking about here?
139
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:23,713
I feel like that term gets
thrown around with abandon.
140
00:05:23,709 --> 00:05:26,309
Every time to completion.
141
00:05:27,404 --> 00:05:28,722
Three to four times a night.
142
00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:31,774
- What?
- A night.
143
00:05:32,263 --> 00:05:33,969
What are you saying to me?
144
00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:35,705
Oh my God, ok.
145
00:05:35,728 --> 00:05:37,460
How is he with the C job?
146
00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:38,792
Let's get into that.
147
00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:39,924
What is a C job?
148
00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:41,123
Lady oral.
149
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,856
Also, one of my favorite
characters from Pride and Prejudice.
150
00:05:43,854 --> 00:05:45,121
He's really, he's good.
151
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,613
He's confident.
152
00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:48,256
Great, great.
153
00:05:48,278 --> 00:05:49,512
What can I say?
154
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:53,153
'Cause that, ya know, can be a
difficult terrain to navigate.
155
00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:54,385
Yes it can.
156
00:05:54,398 --> 00:05:56,636
I mean, a dick is like New York.
157
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,856
It just jumps out at you, ya know?
158
00:05:58,854 --> 00:06:00,820
Everywhere you go, you're
gonna have a good time.
159
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:03,619
But the vagina is more like LA.
160
00:06:03,617 --> 00:06:05,851
It's like there's a lot
of great neighborhoods,
161
00:06:05,849 --> 00:06:09,284
but they're harder to
find and it's really nice
162
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,761
to have a local walk you through them.
163
00:06:10,973 --> 00:06:11,980
That's a good one.
164
00:06:12,011 --> 00:06:13,606
Do you think it's enough
for a dissertation?
165
00:06:13,627 --> 00:06:15,388
Oh, I will say,
166
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:16,659
his penis...
167
00:06:16,670 --> 00:06:18,577
Everything you say
from that point forward,
168
00:06:18,599 --> 00:06:19,723
I'm going to enjoy.
169
00:06:19,723 --> 00:06:21,556
Just know that walking
into this sentence.
170
00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:22,821
Ok, thank you.
171
00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:26,910
So, he had like a dicey circumcision.
172
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,514
Dicey?
173
00:06:28,726 --> 00:06:30,853
I don't love that
coupled with circumcision.
174
00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:33,075
It just look, it's diff,
it just looks different.
175
00:06:33,096 --> 00:06:35,229
Does it like have a scar?
176
00:06:35,250 --> 00:06:38,438
No, it's more like, so the foreskin
was not totally like circumcized,
177
00:06:38,722 --> 00:06:42,557
so it's cut kind of at a slant.
178
00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:45,444
So it's like it's
wearing a little hoodie?
179
00:06:45,464 --> 00:06:46,764
- Yes!
- Ok.
180
00:06:46,786 --> 00:06:48,395
- Basically.
- Alright, I like it.
181
00:06:48,418 --> 00:06:50,515
Yeah. It's like a hipster dick.
182
00:06:50,513 --> 00:06:52,146
Exactly.
183
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,878
I like British people.
184
00:06:53,877 --> 00:06:55,678
- You...
- Is there an inn?
185
00:06:56,008 --> 00:06:57,274
You're not invited.
186
00:06:57,274 --> 00:07:00,041
But know, I will be there anyway.
187
00:07:00,062 --> 00:07:01,394
In spirit.
188
00:07:01,537 --> 00:07:02,537
Ok.
189
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:08,297
I'll be at the foot of your
bed just cheering you on.
190
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,700
- To the flop.
- It's up to you.
191
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,602
Are you in?
192
00:07:12,631 --> 00:07:13,698
Oh actually, yeah, I'm in.
193
00:07:13,698 --> 00:07:15,033
That's a tally.
194
00:07:15,032 --> 00:07:16,032
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
195
00:07:16,055 --> 00:07:18,158
- No, I'm all in!
- Oh honey, hey, by the way,
196
00:07:18,186 --> 00:07:19,586
can you drop Amelia off at school.
197
00:07:19,586 --> 00:07:22,119
It's pajama day, so in theory,
she should be ready faster.
198
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:23,370
Pajama day, eh?
199
00:07:23,392 --> 00:07:25,087
- Yeah.
- What's the teacher wearing?
200
00:07:25,108 --> 00:07:26,307
Oh, Mr. Castellotti?
201
00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:27,970
Already still onboard.
202
00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:30,604
Well, in my dream, just a
mustache and a jean jacket.
203
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:32,915
- Ok yes, I can take Amelia.
- Thank you.
204
00:07:32,936 --> 00:07:34,927
I need to pick up my
uncle's ashes by 8:30.
205
00:07:34,949 --> 00:07:35,978
I don't wanna be late.
206
00:07:36,043 --> 00:07:38,033
I don't wanna be
responsible for a backup
207
00:07:38,054 --> 00:07:39,553
in the people oven.
208
00:07:39,576 --> 00:07:41,233
Wait a minute. So your
house is just gonna be filled
209
00:07:41,254 --> 00:07:42,507
with mourners this weekend?
210
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,261
Yeah, like your bed.
211
00:07:44,283 --> 00:07:46,551
Ya know, because women
are very sad to be there.
212
00:07:46,573 --> 00:07:49,174
Also, I like to imagine you dead.
213
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,524
Wait, so I'm dead and women
still wanna have sex with me?
214
00:07:51,544 --> 00:07:53,122
No, that's good, that's great!
215
00:07:53,144 --> 00:07:55,183
Wait, why are people having
sex with Brandon's ghost?
216
00:07:55,204 --> 00:07:56,858
No, not my ghost, my corpse.
217
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,047
My ghost is like floating
above and just jerkin' off.
218
00:07:59,202 --> 00:08:03,097
I'd really love you to speak
at my uncle's service actually.
219
00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:05,593
No, because that's not a sincere offer.
220
00:08:05,591 --> 00:08:07,718
- This isn't?
- That face isn't sincere.
221
00:08:07,739 --> 00:08:10,087
I would love you to speak
at my uncle's service.
222
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,551
We think you'd nail it.
223
00:08:11,573 --> 00:08:13,525
- See, thank you, that's sincere.
- That's sincere.
224
00:08:13,538 --> 00:08:16,561
I mean, if you want actual
sincerity and earnestness,
225
00:08:16,581 --> 00:08:20,459
but if you want a good time...
226
00:08:20,477 --> 00:08:21,500
What?
227
00:08:21,523 --> 00:08:22,641
What is happening?
228
00:08:22,664 --> 00:08:24,097
I don't know.
229
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,754
All I know is I'm a
little giddy because I saw
230
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,440
my friend Jennifer today.
231
00:08:28,439 --> 00:08:29,578
Wait a minute.
232
00:08:29,616 --> 00:08:31,082
Is that the girl you were
supposed to set me up with.
233
00:08:31,082 --> 00:08:32,923
- Yes, it is.
- Is she dating someone now?
234
00:08:32,936 --> 00:08:36,887
I don't know if they're
dating but they fuck.
235
00:08:36,905 --> 00:08:38,019
Ok, stop, what!
236
00:08:38,042 --> 00:08:41,254
They have sex up to four times a night.
237
00:08:41,407 --> 00:08:43,699
Every time to completion.
238
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,887
- We're in a fight.
- I get it.
239
00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:50,058
I spent conservatively 16 hours today
discussing their carnal regiment.
240
00:08:50,076 --> 00:08:51,647
- Uh-huh.
- Girls are the worst.
241
00:08:51,669 --> 00:08:53,961
We like to get into it.
242
00:08:53,982 --> 00:08:56,188
Doesn't four times a night
sound a little exhausting though?
243
00:08:56,185 --> 00:08:58,517
Why don't you just do it
the first time good enough
244
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,096
so you don't have to do it.
245
00:09:00,118 --> 00:09:03,096
All I know is I personally
would love to quadri-bang.
246
00:09:03,205 --> 00:09:05,239
I just, I can't ya know, pull it off.
247
00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:07,814
I'm not attracted enough to you anymore.
248
00:09:07,819 --> 00:09:09,597
- What!
- Jesus.
249
00:09:09,619 --> 00:09:13,190
No honey, I find you very attractive.
250
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:15,397
You're very handsome.
251
00:09:15,419 --> 00:09:16,640
- Thank you.
- But think about
252
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,212
how attracted you have to be to someone
253
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:20,399
to gear up for the fourth time.
254
00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:21,450
Yeah, I get it.
255
00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:23,194
I mean, third time, I'm in tears.
256
00:09:23,216 --> 00:09:25,617
Fourth time, isn't that
just kind of assault?
257
00:09:25,638 --> 00:09:26,638
- Yes.
- Yes.
258
00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:28,207
- You're making a good point.
- Thank you!
259
00:09:28,225 --> 00:09:29,625
Whatever they're doing, I don't like it.
260
00:09:29,624 --> 00:09:32,900
I don't know why you have
such judgment about my friend,
261
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,393
who you don't know's, sex life.
262
00:09:35,413 --> 00:09:37,618
Because there's only so
many fucks in the world
263
00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:39,408
and she's taking more than her share.
264
00:09:39,421 --> 00:09:43,090
Ugh God, I really feel for these
poor dead women in your bed.
265
00:09:43,086 --> 00:09:44,218
They're not dead, I'm dead.
266
00:09:44,218 --> 00:09:45,484
You made that up.
267
00:09:45,484 --> 00:09:46,616
I'm the dead one, right?
268
00:09:46,616 --> 00:09:47,898
They're dead inside.
269
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,148
And?
270
00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:50,203
That's fair.
271
00:09:50,226 --> 00:09:51,233
Yeah.
272
00:09:53,812 --> 00:09:55,044
So we're just finishing up.
273
00:09:55,043 --> 00:09:56,276
Should only be a few more minutes.
274
00:09:56,276 --> 00:09:59,644
Oh, no problem. We can
wait, thank you so much.
275
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,642
I don't love the phrase
finishing up at a crematorium.
276
00:10:02,638 --> 00:10:04,500
I mean, are they finishing
up burning the bodies
277
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,537
or finishing up paperwork?
278
00:10:06,536 --> 00:10:08,439
Well, I imagine this is just
where they bring us the cremains.
279
00:10:08,459 --> 00:10:10,800
The cremains?
280
00:10:10,798 --> 00:10:13,042
Yes ma'am, that is the
technical term for it.
281
00:10:13,063 --> 00:10:15,404
Well, I'm happy we're
being very technical.
282
00:10:15,425 --> 00:10:18,026
Do you know what a group of
apes is called, by the way?
283
00:10:18,047 --> 00:10:19,098
Shrewdness.
284
00:10:19,121 --> 00:10:20,969
Yes, how bout a bunch of crows?
285
00:10:20,991 --> 00:10:23,458
- Murder.
- God darn it, you're good.
286
00:10:23,463 --> 00:10:24,478
How did you know that?
287
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:27,874
Because you've told me
these particular two facts
288
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:30,260
for the past 30 years of my life.
289
00:10:30,258 --> 00:10:32,844
By the way, I appreciate it but
you didn't have to come today,
290
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,667
I could've handled the cremains myself.
291
00:10:35,688 --> 00:10:37,594
Yeah, I know. I just wanted to help.
292
00:10:37,615 --> 00:10:38,876
Your Uncle Harry was important to me.
293
00:10:38,898 --> 00:10:40,874
I've known him for 50 years.
294
00:10:41,083 --> 00:10:43,484
Awe, that's very sweet.
295
00:10:43,482 --> 00:10:45,412
I'll tell you what's sweet is the way
296
00:10:45,410 --> 00:10:47,648
you're stepping up and
doing this for your mom.
297
00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:49,445
Oh no, this is not me being sweet.
298
00:10:49,444 --> 00:10:51,711
This is just me having
to take care of you both
299
00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:54,310
in your eminent years of decay.
300
00:10:54,308 --> 00:10:56,308
Well in my case, you don't have to worry
301
00:10:56,306 --> 00:10:58,106
because I do not wanna be cremated
302
00:10:58,105 --> 00:11:00,505
and I do not wanna be in a coffin.
303
00:11:00,503 --> 00:11:02,904
Every instinct I have is
telling me not to ask you
304
00:11:02,902 --> 00:11:04,701
what you want done with your body.
305
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,500
It's not crazy, ok?
306
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,767
I wanna be put into a biodegradable bag
307
00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:12,195
and returned to the earth.
308
00:11:12,216 --> 00:11:13,438
Yep, that's actually not insane.
309
00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:14,467
I would do that.
310
00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:16,222
I don't even know what a bag cost.
311
00:11:16,282 --> 00:11:17,700
I'll bet it's under 100 bucks.
312
00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:20,656
- A biodegradable body bag?
- Yeah!
313
00:11:20,676 --> 00:11:22,952
No, Dad, if you want me to
just throw you in any bag,
314
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,305
I can get it under 100 dollars.
315
00:11:24,328 --> 00:11:25,765
No but I'm thinking
get one of those bags
316
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,453
that have the two little handles on it.
317
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,671
In case I'm not really dead,
you can lift me back up.
318
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,748
- Promise?
- A shopping bag?
319
00:11:32,754 --> 00:11:34,587
A Bloomingdale's big brown bag.
320
00:11:34,586 --> 00:11:36,420
I mean, I'll throw
ya in a Bloomey's bag,
321
00:11:36,419 --> 00:11:39,420
but I'm not pullin' ya back
out even if you're alive.
322
00:11:39,417 --> 00:11:42,151
Again, so sorry for the wait.
323
00:11:42,148 --> 00:11:43,680
No, no.
324
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,214
I just need you to confirm your
uncle's information and sign there.
325
00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:48,345
Ok, thank you so much.
326
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:50,026
Of course, and please, let us know
327
00:11:50,024 --> 00:11:51,776
if there's anything else we can do.
328
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:53,107
Oh, you're very sweet.
329
00:11:53,106 --> 00:11:54,905
Whoa, good, heavy.
330
00:11:54,904 --> 00:11:56,004
Was he tall?
331
00:11:57,770 --> 00:11:59,670
Actually, he was tall.
332
00:11:59,692 --> 00:12:01,425
Well, that can do it.
333
00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:04,978
Yeah, it's gotta be the long
bones of the leg, the femurs?
334
00:12:04,998 --> 00:12:06,764
Dad, it's not the femur.
335
00:12:06,930 --> 00:12:08,232
Thank you.
336
00:12:08,254 --> 00:12:10,187
You know what they
call a group of femurs?
337
00:12:10,209 --> 00:12:11,275
Your butt hole.
338
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,587
Yeah, your butt hole.
339
00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:14,021
Really? Hmm.
340
00:12:16,222 --> 00:12:18,705
Alright, catering will arrive
while we're at the cemetery.
341
00:12:18,725 --> 00:12:20,558
We got music, we got
flowers, we got chairs.
342
00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,112
The bar's all set up.
343
00:12:22,111 --> 00:12:23,113
Thank you.
344
00:12:23,137 --> 00:12:25,156
I put hand towels in the guest bathroom.
345
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:27,777
Now I'm a person who
thinks about hand towels.
346
00:12:27,775 --> 00:12:29,505
How does my mother do this?
347
00:12:29,527 --> 00:12:30,726
She's a good lady.
348
00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:32,206
Cool your pene, Mike.
349
00:12:32,228 --> 00:12:33,360
Cool your pene.
350
00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:34,701
I'm a little excited though.
351
00:12:34,723 --> 00:12:36,489
Jennifer's bringing her new beau today.
352
00:12:36,488 --> 00:12:37,495
Oh that's right.
353
00:12:37,518 --> 00:12:39,192
- I'm looking forward to meeting him.
- Me too.
354
00:12:39,197 --> 00:12:40,884
I imagine they'll have
just done it in the car,
355
00:12:40,905 --> 00:12:42,305
so I wouldn't shake their hands.
356
00:12:42,305 --> 00:12:43,509
Noted.
357
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,065
By the way, have you
ever heard of someone
358
00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:47,763
getting accidentally half circumcized?
359
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,027
Why?
360
00:12:49,027 --> 00:12:52,495
'Cause apparently only
part of Josh's foreskin
361
00:12:52,491 --> 00:12:55,091
was removed back in the day.
362
00:12:55,089 --> 00:12:57,624
So he's got like, just
like a little hoodie.
363
00:12:57,621 --> 00:12:59,816
I just can't imagine
that Josh appreciates
364
00:12:59,838 --> 00:13:02,776
Jennifer sharing the intimate
details of his genitals with you.
365
00:13:02,795 --> 00:13:04,238
If you're dating a woman,
you should assume that
366
00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:06,335
every one of her friends
knows about your dick.
367
00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:08,344
Really, does Jennifer know about mine?
368
00:13:08,366 --> 00:13:10,174
She knows it's nice.
369
00:13:10,196 --> 00:13:11,877
Well, I'm glad that's
the word on the street.
370
00:13:11,898 --> 00:13:13,531
People are talkin'.
371
00:13:13,553 --> 00:13:14,986
Oh, they're talkin', are they?
372
00:13:15,008 --> 00:13:19,485
Awe, Brian sent me photos of
Amelia and Izzy from pajama day.
373
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,871
Oh my God, these God damn kids are cute!
374
00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,425
Yeah, they are cute huh?
375
00:13:24,157 --> 00:13:31,205
Um, did you wear that
fucking tank top to drop off?
376
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:32,683
Yeah, I went for a work out after.
377
00:13:32,705 --> 00:13:34,705
So you wore it to Amelia's school
378
00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:38,289
where we have to go every
morning of our lives?
379
00:13:38,307 --> 00:13:40,267
I wore a sweatshirt. I
took it off for a minute.
380
00:13:40,635 --> 00:13:41,891
Is this the person you wanna be?
381
00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:45,047
Just guy out in world in tank top?
382
00:13:45,121 --> 00:13:46,186
I don't know.
383
00:13:46,186 --> 00:13:47,285
I like that tank top.
384
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:48,316
It's comfortable.
385
00:13:48,339 --> 00:13:51,207
Ok, I can't take this on today.
386
00:13:51,329 --> 00:13:52,714
Oh my God.
387
00:13:52,737 --> 00:13:53,822
Well it's a good thing
you'll be surrounded
388
00:13:53,821 --> 00:13:55,256
by friends and family then.
389
00:13:55,278 --> 00:13:56,477
Uh-huh.
390
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,098
- You know what else is good?
- What's good?
391
00:13:58,119 --> 00:14:00,109
That the funeral will be the highlight
392
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,499
of my emotional day.
393
00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:08,130
As we conclude this
portion of the service,
394
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:12,743
we salute Harold with
a military tribute.
395
00:14:13,055 --> 00:14:16,724
Following, please join the
family for a small reception
396
00:14:16,719 --> 00:14:21,859
at the home of Andrea
Warren and Michael Harris.
397
00:14:23,002 --> 00:14:24,676
Hut!
398
00:14:25,007 --> 00:14:26,007
Forward arm!
399
00:14:27,037 --> 00:14:29,956
Ready, aim, fire!
400
00:14:30,926 --> 00:14:32,744
Aim, fire!
401
00:14:33,803 --> 00:14:36,104
Aim, fire!
402
00:14:37,170 --> 00:14:38,170
Right face.
403
00:14:39,036 --> 00:14:40,202
Forward march.
404
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:46,108
I'm gonna need a minute to
recover from being shot at.
405
00:14:46,338 --> 00:14:47,338
Oh my God.
406
00:14:47,430 --> 00:14:49,096
Look who I ran into.
407
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:50,096
Hi!
408
00:14:50,895 --> 00:14:53,727
- Hi, thank you for coming.
- This is Josh.
409
00:14:53,747 --> 00:14:55,421
- This is Mike, Andrea.
- Hi.
410
00:14:56,393 --> 00:14:57,826
Hello.
411
00:14:57,826 --> 00:14:59,505
Sorry to meet you under
these circumstances
412
00:14:59,526 --> 00:15:01,120
but very happy to meet you.
413
00:15:01,142 --> 00:15:02,482
It is very nice to meet you,
414
00:15:02,505 --> 00:15:03,670
thank you for coming as well.
415
00:15:03,693 --> 00:15:04,828
It was really nice actually.
416
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:05,850
I mean, ya know,
417
00:15:05,873 --> 00:15:07,238
I got to see a lot of
people I haven't seen.
418
00:15:07,259 --> 00:15:08,726
I know, it was nice.
419
00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:11,282
Well I'm gonna go ahead
and run to your house.
420
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:13,110
Can I pick up something on the way?
421
00:15:13,109 --> 00:15:14,442
No, it's all taken care of.
422
00:15:14,442 --> 00:15:15,465
Oh, thank you.
423
00:15:15,488 --> 00:15:16,527
You're welcome.
424
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:18,083
Great to see you and
425
00:15:18,106 --> 00:15:19,806
really lovely to meet you.
426
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,169
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye!
427
00:15:22,303 --> 00:15:23,645
We're just gonna head over too, I think.
428
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,233
Ok great, we will see you there.
429
00:15:25,255 --> 00:15:29,124
Josh, I mean, try to
pull your shit together.
430
00:15:29,143 --> 00:15:30,875
Just please, for once.
431
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:31,897
I'm doing my best.
432
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,252
This is your best?
433
00:15:33,295 --> 00:15:34,561
- I mean, this is it.
- So sorry.
434
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,494
I will be asking to borrow some money
435
00:15:36,493 --> 00:15:37,759
when we get to your home.
436
00:15:37,759 --> 00:15:39,100
Just a warning.
437
00:15:39,123 --> 00:15:40,357
Mike, pull out your checkbook.
438
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,555
I don't wanna make it weird.
439
00:15:41,555 --> 00:15:43,556
Bye, we'll see you there.
440
00:15:44,533 --> 00:15:49,731
I mean, not the sex monster
I was imagining, right?
441
00:15:49,827 --> 00:15:51,560
Four times a night?
442
00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:53,126
He was so sweet.
443
00:15:53,148 --> 00:15:54,578
- Very.
- Right?
444
00:15:54,601 --> 00:15:55,605
Yes, but I like him.
445
00:15:55,628 --> 00:15:56,738
I really liked him.
446
00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:58,321
- Did you see how happy she was?
- Yeah.
447
00:15:59,732 --> 00:16:01,089
But was there even
one second you weren't
448
00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:02,118
thinking about his dick?
449
00:16:02,141 --> 00:16:03,274
Be honest.
450
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:04,519
No.
451
00:16:04,557 --> 00:16:06,834
Ha, now you know what it's
like to be one of the girls.
452
00:16:06,855 --> 00:16:08,722
Chit chattin' about the goods.
453
00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:15,579
- Dad.
- Hi honey.
454
00:16:15,634 --> 00:16:18,470
- Oh, you made it.
- I did, indeed.
455
00:16:18,496 --> 00:16:21,258
Listen, you did a wonderful,
wonderful job here.
456
00:16:21,278 --> 00:16:22,411
Thank you.
457
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,347
- Harry would've loved this.
- Well, don't worry.
458
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,831
For yours, I'll ya know,
make sure I have some
459
00:16:26,851 --> 00:16:29,779
stripper poles strategically
placed around the party.
460
00:16:30,628 --> 00:16:31,909
If you were gonna go into a casket,
461
00:16:31,931 --> 00:16:34,199
I could say you would
just slide right on in.
462
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:35,221
Yeah, well if you had
the stripper poles,
463
00:16:35,243 --> 00:16:38,537
I have a few people I
could audition for extras
464
00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:39,968
in a situation like that.
465
00:16:40,007 --> 00:16:41,273
- By the way...
- This has taken a turn.
466
00:16:41,273 --> 00:16:44,908
I put together this,
it's a photo montage
467
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:47,938
that you can play while
people are talking.
468
00:16:47,935 --> 00:16:49,701
How many photos of Mom's Uncle Harry
469
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,466
could you possibly have?
470
00:16:51,465 --> 00:16:53,933
Not a ton, but ya know, who cares?
471
00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:56,198
So, it's gonna be like
what, seven photos on a loop?
472
00:16:56,219 --> 00:16:58,799
- Yeah.
- Alright, I'll put it on.
473
00:16:58,819 --> 00:17:00,486
Ok, I'm gonna get a sandwich.
474
00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:03,704
Ok, you don't have to
say it like it's a secret.
475
00:17:03,938 --> 00:17:05,471
Anyone can get a sandwich.
476
00:17:05,788 --> 00:17:07,488
Mom, I'm gonna gather everyone up.
477
00:17:07,488 --> 00:17:09,922
Some people wanna say a few things.
478
00:17:09,919 --> 00:17:11,532
Andrea, thanks so much for hosting.
479
00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:12,989
Oh my God, my pleasure.
480
00:17:13,011 --> 00:17:14,576
Your house is so beautiful.
481
00:17:14,848 --> 00:17:16,648
I can't wait to have my memorial here.
482
00:17:16,647 --> 00:17:18,656
- Oh, God forbid.
- Well what?
483
00:17:18,677 --> 00:17:20,756
I'm about to turn 75.
484
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:21,877
Well I'm not far behind you.
485
00:17:21,877 --> 00:17:23,077
Well, I wouldn't say that.
486
00:17:23,077 --> 00:17:25,777
I might have a few more good years.
487
00:17:25,774 --> 00:17:28,979
Hopefully more than a few.
488
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,570
Ya know, even at 90 and 93,
my mother and Uncle Harry
489
00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:38,162
always kept us laughing.
490
00:17:38,184 --> 00:17:40,217
That's a wipe dissolve.
491
00:17:41,896 --> 00:17:43,161
What?
492
00:17:43,161 --> 00:17:45,096
Don't you remember that?
493
00:17:45,118 --> 00:17:48,519
But sadly, they were the
last of that generation.
494
00:17:48,931 --> 00:17:52,599
So Bob, Sharon, looks like we're next.
495
00:17:56,380 --> 00:17:58,446
Honey, Uncle Russ is
getting ready to leave.
496
00:17:58,468 --> 00:17:59,734
Wants to say goodbye.
497
00:17:59,949 --> 00:18:02,016
Ok, I will be out in a second.
498
00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:03,948
- Everything alright?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
499
00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:05,479
Ya sure?
500
00:18:05,479 --> 00:18:07,104
You're gonna die.
501
00:18:07,126 --> 00:18:08,425
Jesus!
502
00:18:08,448 --> 00:18:10,125
Ok well, I don't know if he's gonna help
503
00:18:10,147 --> 00:18:11,967
but I guess it's worth a Hail Mary.
504
00:18:11,989 --> 00:18:13,989
Are you just realizing this today?
505
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,678
No, obviously, I know this but it's,
506
00:18:16,698 --> 00:18:18,527
now that you're next up, I mean,
507
00:18:18,549 --> 00:18:20,089
what the hell am I supposed to be doing?
508
00:18:20,111 --> 00:18:21,341
Honey, you're more than capable
509
00:18:21,362 --> 00:18:22,710
of taking care of yourself.
510
00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:24,779
Of course I am, don't be insane.
511
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:25,801
I just,
512
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:31,292
I'm gonna miss you, you dick.
513
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,443
- That is so sweet.
- No it's not.
514
00:18:33,465 --> 00:18:36,171
I'm just saying, I refuse
to start replacing you.
515
00:18:36,191 --> 00:18:38,191
So, pull out your china.
516
00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:40,346
Get your silverware polished.
517
00:18:40,368 --> 00:18:41,667
Start throwing the parties.
518
00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:42,925
Honey, you have no choice.
519
00:18:42,948 --> 00:18:45,153
- Yes, I do have a choice!
- This is why I had kids.
520
00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:46,619
That's why you had kids?
521
00:18:46,642 --> 00:18:48,208
Because when I really start to go,
522
00:18:48,230 --> 00:18:49,863
I'm moving in here with you and Mike
523
00:18:49,885 --> 00:18:52,352
and he's gonna give me sponge baths.
524
00:18:52,373 --> 00:18:54,840
Ugh, I wanna be horrified
525
00:18:54,861 --> 00:18:57,261
but I think he would enjoy that.
526
00:18:57,374 --> 00:19:00,576
Mom, I don't understand why
you are not more worked up
527
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,138
about this than I am.
528
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,894
You're the one that's
ya know, on your way out.
529
00:19:04,915 --> 00:19:07,116
Well obviously the thought
of growing old is shit,
530
00:19:07,137 --> 00:19:08,770
but since the alternative is dying,
531
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:10,425
I guess I'll just go with it.
532
00:19:10,447 --> 00:19:11,684
I don't love it.
533
00:19:11,707 --> 00:19:14,810
Well, you're the one who was
always joking about me dying.
534
00:19:14,829 --> 00:19:16,761
Yeah that was before I remembered
535
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,794
how God damn old you are.
536
00:19:18,793 --> 00:19:20,664
- Thank you.
- I'll be honest.
537
00:19:20,685 --> 00:19:22,885
I didn't think I loved
you as much as I do.
538
00:19:23,156 --> 00:19:25,592
- I don't believe anybody did.
- I knew.
539
00:19:25,613 --> 00:19:27,813
Well, you know what's gonna
come as a surprise to you?
540
00:19:28,148 --> 00:19:29,753
When I won't change your diapers
541
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,352
and you gotta find another way.
542
00:19:32,349 --> 00:19:34,817
Huh, I think I've
thought of another way.
543
00:19:34,815 --> 00:19:36,095
Don't say Mike.
544
00:19:36,118 --> 00:19:38,296
I think maybe Mike would
be really good at that.
545
00:19:38,317 --> 00:19:40,920
Ok, I'm starting to find
a path through my grief.
546
00:19:40,941 --> 00:19:42,022
So thank you.
547
00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:43,319
No problem!
548
00:19:43,341 --> 00:19:44,407
My pleasure.
549
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:46,484
Your parting gift to me.
550
00:19:46,505 --> 00:19:48,414
My dying gift to my daughter.
551
00:19:48,436 --> 00:19:51,037
Cool, alright, I'm
gonna go say my goodbyes.
552
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:53,535
Give the people a glimpse
of their new queen.
553
00:19:53,556 --> 00:19:56,546
Well I'm just glad I got a glimpse
of Jennifer's new boyfriend.
554
00:19:56,566 --> 00:19:58,311
I wanna know everything
that's going on there.
555
00:19:58,332 --> 00:20:01,135
I don't know if you
wanna know everything.
556
00:20:01,155 --> 00:20:02,487
Oh, now I think I do.
557
00:20:02,509 --> 00:20:03,516
What?
558
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,547
Let's just say there was a bit of a
559
00:20:05,568 --> 00:20:08,103
botched circumcision situation.
560
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:11,338
- They left a little on the top.
- Oh my goodness.
561
00:20:11,388 --> 00:20:13,307
Well, every penis is
different, you know?
562
00:20:13,329 --> 00:20:17,592
I mean, you know Leon's, it's
very long but it's very thin.
563
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:20,690
Oh God.
564
00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:28,325
I just wasn't prepared
to get that emotional
565
00:20:28,347 --> 00:20:29,647
about my mom today.
566
00:20:29,647 --> 00:20:30,812
It just came out of nowhere.
567
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,094
I just fell apart.
568
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,140
Well it's hard not to think
about that stuff at funerals.
569
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,595
I know, but I was living
such a carefree life
570
00:20:36,593 --> 00:20:39,160
before my Uncle fucking Russ
opened his God damn mouth
571
00:20:39,157 --> 00:20:41,524
about his generation's bullshit.
572
00:20:41,522 --> 00:20:44,522
Again, I support your choice not
to have spoken at the service.
573
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:45,919
I think people were disappointed.
574
00:20:45,919 --> 00:20:48,720
I just don't want my mom to die.
575
00:20:48,717 --> 00:20:50,751
Is that terrible to say?
576
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:52,554
Look, I think it makes
your mom feel good
577
00:20:52,576 --> 00:20:54,409
knowing she could pass
the torch off to you.
578
00:20:54,431 --> 00:20:55,897
Ugh, well I'm not interested.
579
00:20:56,045 --> 00:20:58,708
How soon before I can pass
the torch off to Amelia?
580
00:20:58,729 --> 00:21:00,783
- When she's eight?
- It was a nice memorial though.
581
00:21:00,804 --> 00:21:02,570
Yeah, it was really nice.
582
00:21:02,592 --> 00:21:04,192
I think everyone had a very good time.
583
00:21:04,214 --> 00:21:07,046
And we got to meet Josh's...
584
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:08,160
No, I'm out.
585
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:09,226
You're out?
586
00:21:09,250 --> 00:21:11,383
Yep, I've seen the light.
587
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:12,603
What?
588
00:21:12,626 --> 00:21:14,626
My mother gleefully
shared something to me
589
00:21:14,698 --> 00:21:18,700
that I can never repeat,
nor will I ever un-know.
590
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:22,130
And now, I see the error of my ways.
591
00:21:22,149 --> 00:21:23,712
- What was it?
- I'm not gonna tell you.
592
00:21:23,729 --> 00:21:25,095
Oh come on, you gotta tell me.
593
00:21:25,094 --> 00:21:26,270
You don't wanna now.
594
00:21:26,293 --> 00:21:27,492
I do wanna know.
595
00:21:27,492 --> 00:21:30,259
Leon's got a long, slender penis.
596
00:21:34,468 --> 00:21:35,500
Oh my God.
597
00:21:35,523 --> 00:21:36,523
Mm-hmm.
598
00:21:38,917 --> 00:21:39,917
Yeah.
599
00:21:40,649 --> 00:21:41,915
And that goes
600
00:21:41,914 --> 00:21:44,147
inside my mother.
601
00:21:48,244 --> 00:21:49,277
That sucks.
602
00:21:55,239 --> 00:21:56,225
And I understand you're celebrating
603
00:21:56,224 --> 00:21:58,038
an anniversary tonight, congratulations.
604
00:21:58,037 --> 00:22:00,171
- Oh thank you.
- Yes, we are.
605
00:22:00,169 --> 00:22:01,234
Your waiter will be right with you.
606
00:22:01,234 --> 00:22:03,034
- Thank you.
- Oh my God.
607
00:22:03,033 --> 00:22:04,566
This looks fabulous.
608
00:22:04,565 --> 00:22:06,165
Yeah, I love this restaurant.
609
00:22:06,165 --> 00:22:08,565
What's going on there with the shirt?
610
00:22:08,563 --> 00:22:10,095
What?
611
00:22:10,094 --> 00:22:11,360
Is that your jammies?
612
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,195
I just assumed this is
what we're doing now.
613
00:22:14,192 --> 00:22:16,091
We just ya know, we wear
stuff that's comfortable.
614
00:22:16,090 --> 00:22:17,824
We're not worried about
impressing each other.
615
00:22:17,823 --> 00:22:19,388
Ya know, like your tank top
616
00:22:19,387 --> 00:22:22,956
or this extremely comfortable shirt.
617
00:22:22,952 --> 00:22:25,586
You're wearing that to our
anniversary dinner to make a point?
618
00:22:25,583 --> 00:22:26,805
- Uh-huh.
- About my tank top?
619
00:22:26,828 --> 00:22:29,118
Mm-hmm. I did.
620
00:22:29,481 --> 00:22:32,215
Well uh, you know people
are looking at you right now.
621
00:22:32,212 --> 00:22:34,745
Great, let them look.
622
00:22:34,743 --> 00:22:36,010
Let them feast their eyes
623
00:22:36,009 --> 00:22:38,610
on a woman who's given up.
624
00:22:38,608 --> 00:22:40,407
Yeah, well, before you give up on life,
625
00:22:40,406 --> 00:22:42,072
why don't you open your gift.
626
00:22:42,071 --> 00:22:43,204
I would love to.
627
00:22:43,204 --> 00:22:44,570
Here, press play.
628
00:22:44,570 --> 00:22:47,004
- What?
- Just do it.
629
00:22:47,001 --> 00:22:49,568
Hey honey, it's August 21st,
2018 and I am purchasing
630
00:22:49,566 --> 00:22:53,001
this horrific tank top with the
sole purpose of fucking with you.
631
00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,589
My gift to you. I love you.
632
00:22:54,611 --> 00:22:56,011
Happy anniversary.
633
00:22:59,659 --> 00:23:01,059
This was a bid.
634
00:23:01,058 --> 00:23:02,457
This was a bid.
635
00:23:03,922 --> 00:23:06,856
And now, I have won anniversaries.
636
00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:09,491
Ok, holy shit.
637
00:23:09,717 --> 00:23:12,185
What is happening right now?
638
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:14,316
The pajama date photo?
639
00:23:14,314 --> 00:23:15,347
That was staged?
640
00:23:15,348 --> 00:23:17,782
Yeah, Brian helped me.
641
00:23:17,780 --> 00:23:20,981
I'm gonna have sex with
you four times tonight.
642
00:23:20,977 --> 00:23:22,110
Oh wow.
643
00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:23,946
So just know that that's coming at you.
644
00:23:25,050 --> 00:23:29,222
How happy were you
when I took my coat off
645
00:23:29,420 --> 00:23:31,738
and was wearing this monstrosity?
646
00:23:31,736 --> 00:23:34,502
Honestly? That could
not have gone better.
647
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:35,841
Oh my God.
648
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,499
Fuck, I love you.
649
00:23:38,497 --> 00:23:39,897
I love you too.
650
00:23:39,896 --> 00:23:43,364
This was six months of fury you gave me.
651
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,760
Oh, so worth it.
652
00:23:47,763 --> 00:23:50,691
I am gonna put my coat
back on now because
653
00:23:51,193 --> 00:23:52,321
people are looking.
654
00:23:52,321 --> 00:23:53,887
Yeah, they are.
655
00:23:57,617 --> 00:24:01,753
Um, what was that move
you did back there?
656
00:24:01,748 --> 00:24:04,549
Were you trying to
have sex with my butt?
657
00:24:04,546 --> 00:24:05,553
Maybe.
658
00:24:05,576 --> 00:24:08,323
No, you got 36 more
years to wait, my friend.
659
00:24:08,344 --> 00:24:10,143
Contracts have wiggle room.
660
00:24:10,141 --> 00:24:11,807
Wiggle room?
661
00:24:11,807 --> 00:24:13,807
Are you actually an attorney?
662
00:24:13,805 --> 00:24:15,939
I just thought after my amazing present
663
00:24:15,937 --> 00:24:18,538
that if I ever had a
chance, it'd be tonight.
664
00:24:18,536 --> 00:24:21,736
You know what, I understand
and appreciate that instinct
665
00:24:21,755 --> 00:24:24,555
but keep your dick out of my butt.
666
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:27,234
- That's fair.
- Thank you.
667
00:24:27,284 --> 00:24:31,834
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