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EERIE INTRO MUSIC
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00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,440
TRIP HOP BEAT
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CAR HORNS BEEP
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00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,720
You ever shit in a bucket?
5
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,840
Sorry, what did you say?
You heard me, sweetheart.
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I see you and your Metroid t-shirt,
with your geek-girl glasses
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and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
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00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,920
I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again,
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have you ever shit in a bucket?
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Because I have.
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Twice. Once playing EverQuest
12
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and then again playing
Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts!
13
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,040
Right. Sorry to hear that.
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What was the last game you completed?
Full completion.
15
00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,840
And if it was an 8-bit
and you played it on an emulator, then save states don't count.
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00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,320
I-I'm not sure...
"Erm, erm, I'm not sure!"
17
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,760
And yet, here you are at a bus stop
looking all cute.
18
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,160
"Oh, everyone, look at me,
I'm a gamer!"
19
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,160
Do you know what this is?
This is cultural appropriation.
20
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Because I did my business into a
bucket and I slung it out of a window and into the privets.
21
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:23,280
I would do it again, in a heartbeat,
if the game demanded, because that's hard-core.
22
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Slave to the game.
23
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,400
Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
24
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,440
TRIP HOP BEAT
25
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,560
CREATURES ROAR
26
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,760
SHE GASPS
Yeah!
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Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
28
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,520
I must insist on absolute silence.
29
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"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal,
bring urgent news from the Citadel.
30
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,920
"Your hive mother is gestating."
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00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,840
Shit the bath!
She's fucking pregnant!
32
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,760
"Soon she will spawn the mightiest
army the kingdom has ever seen
33
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,320
"and her genocidal plan to cleanse
the outer rim will be completed."
34
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,320
Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky?
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DIALOGUE SKIPS
Yeah. Taking it all in.
36
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,600
Just drinking it in.
37
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,680
Ooh, items! Apparently,
if I collect all 50 crystal acorns,
38
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,720
I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
39
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,680
Sounds pathetic. I must have it!
40
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,600
"The Jade Knot is in debt to you,
young warrior. Yaah!"
41
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,440
HORSES NEIGH
42
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,560
"Guys,
there's gonna be an announcement about the Kingdom Scrolls movie."
43
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,440
They're casting Vince Vaughn
as Tanadaal.
44
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,560
WHAT? NO!
45
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,560
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
46
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,960
I'm so sorry for your loss. No!
47
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,320
He's too bulky!
He doesn't have the substance!
48
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,960
He's too substantial
and also too insubstantial!
49
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,560
It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
50
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,160
Oh, my God! There was so much
hate speech on there,
51
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,760
one of the moderators
has been signed off with PTSD.
52
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,880
Is this a joke? Seriously,
is it fucking Jester's Day again?
53
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,960
Perfect! No sword play!
54
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000
No sword play on the resume
of Mr Vince Vaughn!
55
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,240
But I guess that's OK because
he's only playing a barbarian!
56
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,840
Don't even get me started on the
hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe!
57
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,120
A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn
is essentially 95 percent forehead!
58
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,600
Have you seen his hairline
from the Emmys? His forehead is essentially infinite!
59
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,960
This is an international outrage!
60
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,960
I want to punch someone in the face!
I would punch my cat if I had a cat!
61
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,600
I could kill, like, a person.
62
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:48,320
If I had a sniper rifle right now,
I'd go and find a vantage point,
63
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,520
squeeze off a clip,
take out a couple of grannies.
64
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,160
Drink myself into a stupor
and get in a fight with an army man.
65
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,880
Pound my thighs
with a camping mallet!
66
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,840
Bang my head against a sheet of
titanium until I forget my own name!
67
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,160
Lock myself into the boot of my car
and just scream!
68
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,080
Swallow a ping pong ball
so I asphyxiate!
69
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,280
Bind my hands behind my back
and then fall out of the loft!
70
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:09,600
Shave all my hair off and then
eat it from a bowl and just weep!
71
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,080
Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad.
72
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,680
KNOCK AT DOOR
Great, and now the shopping's here.
73
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,720
This day is so fucked!
MEG WEEPS
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00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,360
Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag,
is it? OK, bye.
75
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,600
"Nicky, hurry up."
76
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,080
"Nicky, hurry up. Come on."
77
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,560
Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need
to put the shopping away.
78
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,040
"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!"
79
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,440
Right, powdered goods there. There.
80
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,520
Sauces there. There.
81
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,440
Bread. Perfect.
82
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,920
"Guys, it's me! Russell!
83
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,240
"I made a new friend. This is
My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss."
84
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,000
"Wait. Your mum died yesterday?"
85
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,520
"Whose mum died yesterday?"
My mom didn't die yesterday. My mom died in '08.
86
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,640
"No, that's his name -
My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!"
87
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,360
He's mad! He's Swiss!
HOOVER HUMS
88
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,040
Dance.
89
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,880
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
90
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:12,240
Russell, mate, no-one dances
in Kingdom Scrolls any more. It's the ultimate dick move.
91
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:17,040
It's kind of like going to London
and wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love London".
92
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,680
But it's fun to dance. "Precisely!
93
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:24,000
If you want fun, go and play
fucking Mario Cart against some pink-haired girl from Japan.
94
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,040
Otherwise, grab a cudgel
and shut the fuck up!
95
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,760
Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
96
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,520
Sorry, can I just ask you something?
If you don't enjoy it, why do you still play it?
97
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,680
Well, that's the enduring mystery.
98
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:40,480
It's a commitment I made in error
two years ago, which I seem somehow unable to break free from.
99
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,760
I'm a genie in a bottle,
100
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,920
and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING
101
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,040
And now he's stiffed me
with a shitty pear. "Who has?"
102
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:52,040
The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain that dictates the flow of my life,
103
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,680
because he knows me and he knows
I'm going to eat it anyway.
104
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,480
So here's to the algorithm!
Long may he reign!
105
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,680
Mm! Really revolting!
106
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,880
I found a publicity shot of him
in a western from 2000.
107
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,840
He looks wrong on a horse.
108
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,280
He just does.
109
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,480
I'm really sorry, Meg.
110
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,760
What's happened?
111
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760
Is everything all right?
112
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,880
Not really.
113
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:27,960
They cast Vince Vaughn
in the role of Tanadaal in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
114
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,800
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn?
He's funny.
115
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,040
That movie where he gets the job
at Google...
116
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,440
Because that's what you want
for a character who saw his parents burnt at the stake,
117
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,000
you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you...
118
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,080
We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
119
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,760
Well, I'm sorry.
120
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,040
I know how much
these things matter to you and - Excuse me. "These things"?
121
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,640
I didn't mean it like that.
122
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,280
This is the casting of the lead,
Alison. This affects everyone.
123
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,680
And you needn't think you're safe,
124
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,080
because they came for the remake
of Ghost in the Shell and I said nothing.
125
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,960
Then they came for the Fantastic 4,
126
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,760
again, and I said nothing.
127
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,280
And then they came
for Kingdom Scrolls.
128
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,880
No. Sure.
129
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,600
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
130
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,040
Cor, that is so annoying!
131
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,520
OK, Alison, you have no idea!
132
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,640
Well, I mean, I know what it's like
to have things not go your way.
133
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:30,640
Because remember last year
when I went through that really difficult time?
134
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,760
Oh, yeah. God, that was hard!
135
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,160
So I socialised and I exercised
136
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,240
and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh. Yeah.
137
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,360
And I talked about everything
and I came through.
138
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,480
My point is, when things get tough,
139
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,760
fight back!
140
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,480
Anyway...
KNOCK AT DOOR
141
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,800
Hi!
142
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,200
Don't wait up!
143
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,880
What the fuck is she on about?
144
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,520
What really tough time? Not like
when she got ill and lost her job?
145
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,440
I've got absolutely no idea!
Anyway, how is that even the same?
146
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,240
Well, what's done is done.
147
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,720
Give it another 20 years
and they'll probably do a reboot.
148
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,520
Yep. Best thing we can do now,
149
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,880
hunker down for two decades
and wait for the reboot.
150
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,920
You know what, Nicky?
151
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,120
We don't have much, you and me,
152
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,600
we lead very thin lives,
but we have this,
153
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,200
and you'd best believe we paid
our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah.
154
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:35,960
The days and the weeks and the months
spent in the trenches, after all of those whoo girls,
155
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,760
the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!"
with the thick-rimmed glasses,
156
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,560
pretending they play FIFA so they can
hoover up all of the hot dick
157
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,400
whilst I'm shitting in a bucket,
158
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,720
and this is the thanks I get?
159
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,600
I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn
as the lead?
160
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,360
Well, I say no more!
Now, are you with me
161
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,600
or are you gonna bend over and take
another mouldy pear up the shitter?
162
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,320
Comrade, I would follow you
into battle any day,
163
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,440
but I think you knew that.
164
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,120
Totally forgot you shat
in that bucket. So badass!
165
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:14,960
THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn!
166
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,840
Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
167
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,920
Protest. What's the plan?
168
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:23,000
So, if we get 20,000 signatures,
they have to discuss it in the House of Commons.
169
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,440
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
170
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,640
Hit him where he lives. Find the
address of his production company,
171
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,480
send them a sleeping bag
with a turd in it.
172
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,560
Hang on. Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless. And unfeasible!
173
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,040
It's entirely feasible.
174
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:40,360
So, what, you're gonna
buy a sleeping bag from Argos, do a turd in it,
175
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,320
and then what,
get DHL to courier it to LA?
176
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,560
It'll take three weeks,
probably cost ?200.
177
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:50,160
They'll open it, it won't be Vince,
it'll be the nice girl on reception, it's only her second week,
178
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:54,520
she probably won't find the turd,
which'll be all shrivelled up anyway from all the air travel,
179
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:59,200
?200 to send a desiccated turd
to an intern! It is just nonsense!
180
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,760
Guys, guys, come on!
Where's the unity?
181
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,640
Sorry, Meg.
182
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,080
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
183
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,560
Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and
replace him with Michael Fassbender.
184
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,400
Fassbender?! What?
185
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,120
Do you have any idea
how short Fassbender's legs are?
186
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,720
I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
187
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,720
24-inch inside leg,
and that is on very good authority,
188
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,680
and you want him to play the Tall
Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who?
189
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:26,200
Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy!
190
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,600
"What?"
Are you a fucking woman, Nicky?
191
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:33,600
Are you an actual lady
with a VW Beetle and a subscription to Grazia magazine?
192
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,240
Daddy, Mommy wants you
to hold the ladder for her!
193
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,640
I'll be right there, honey!
Oh, would you lookie here? I seem to have my fingers crossed.
194
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,280
"Good news. He's on his way!
195
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,680
"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming
to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss."
196
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,400
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is coming to your house?"
197
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,160
"Yeah. We're gonna hang out."
198
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,680
Mad! Swiss!
199
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,440
No. You don't do that, Russell!
200
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,840
You don't invite a man called
My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
201
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,240
Why not? Ugh! Honestly!
202
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:10,240
And I'm sorry but I need to ask,
how are you this stupid?
203
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,400
Seriously. Were you raised in the
wild by a troupe of feral morons?
204
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,520
No, I was raised at home
by my mum and Frank.
205
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,600
You don't invite people to your home,
Russell.
206
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,640
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile?
207
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,160
"How do I do that again?" Control-P.
208
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,560
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because...
209
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,920
..14's basically an adult, right?
210
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,960
He's 14?! "I mean,
you can join the army at 14, so...
211
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,080
"Siri, can you join the army at 14?"
212
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,200
Oh, my God, Russell!
You just invited a child to come and live with you!
213
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,440
Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
214
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,720
"Did you even ask his parents?
They'll probably think you wanna fuck him."
215
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,840
"Why would they think that?"
"Because that's what people like you do."
216
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,520
"That's not what people like me do,
actually!"
217
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,920
"You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming."
218
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,400
"I didn't groom him!"
219
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,440
I groomed his horse!
220
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,480
You groomed his horse?
In the stables! We both did!
221
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:08,000
And how is this going to sound
when it's read aloud in court? "You groomed a child's horse."
222
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,760
"Daddy, I can't hold the ladder
by myself!"
223
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:15,160
Russell, as a father,
I happen to know a thing or two about the welfare of young children.
224
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,840
My point is, you cannot let this boy
in your home.
225
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,440
You see this, Meg? Such a noob!
226
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:26,160
It's all cool. I'll just call him
and tell him not to come.
227
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760
LOUD CLATTERING
228
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,680
Honey?
229
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,960
"Honey?"
230
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,200
Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving!
231
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,520
Oh, boy!
232
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,400
METAL CLANGS
233
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,280
OK, what's this now?
234
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,320
I am hitting the statue
with my sword.
235
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,520
And I'm going to keep on
hitting the statue
236
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,560
until such time as they reconsider
the casting of Vince Vaughn.
237
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,280
You're clonking. That's what
you're doing. You're a clonkist.
238
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,240
Pretty effeminate clonking sound,
dude.
239
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,080
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
240
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,520
Well, while you've been clonking,
I've cut a deal with The Flaming Shitheads.
241
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,360
The Flaming Shitheads? You know
the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
242
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,320
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming
Shitheads. They're shitheads.
243
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:27,760
Exactly! They found Vaughn's
contact info from the Sony dump. We've been hounding him.
244
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,080
Oh, Jesus,
not the turd in a sleeping bag?
245
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,880
Worse! Phone calls, emails.
246
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,720
We're thinking of sending
a cardboard coffin to his house filled with horrible drawings.
247
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:39,120
It's my idea. I mean,
it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
248
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,600
She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding, I have to go with hounding.
249
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,520
The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch of alt-right freakos.
250
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,880
They purged the entire wetlands
because they thought the geese were Jewish.
251
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,320
BIRD CLUCKS
252
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,560
Nicky, I don't know how much you know
about Nelson Mandela,
253
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,720
but I've seen the film
and I happen to know he did some pretty questionable things.
254
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:03,080
He threw a hand grenade at...
a school bus. I can remember.
255
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,360
My point is, it's time to fight back!
256
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,520
"Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one."
257
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,960
No, the blue one
from the bottle on the side.
258
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,680
"She has two of those
with a glass of water. You're doing great baby-cakes."
259
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,160
How is your wife, Usman?
260
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,400
Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
261
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,920
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open!
262
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,560
You need to push it down
and then twist.
263
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,760
"Push and then twist.
264
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,120
"No, twist."
265
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,440
PILLS RATTLE
OK, honey-bunny, now you got it!
266
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,800
Those girls never fail to amaze me.
267
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,400
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
268
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,640
Otto's not answering his phone
so I'm watching out for him with binoculars.
269
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,720
Right. So you're trying not to behave
like a paedophile
270
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,280
by watching young boys
through binoculars?
271
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,120
God, this is an absolute minefield!
272
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:51,240
I should delete my character
and go back to playing hockey.
273
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,280
Sorry, you play hockey?
274
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,160
Oh, yeah. I used to play
for England schoolboys.
275
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
276
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:04,000
Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
277
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,440
And then I stopped doing that
and then I spent about a year trolling David Attenborough.
278
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,800
Russell, I just found a small boy
on the driveway.
279
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,480
Shit. OK.
HE PANTS
280
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,000
Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game. I didn't know he was a child.
281
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,760
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out!
282
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,800
We need to turn off all the lights
and hide until he goes back to Basel.
283
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,040
Bit late for that now, son.
284
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,000
What the...?
285
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,920
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
You let him in!
286
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,920
I couldn't leave him! He's a child,
Russell! A Switzerland boy.
287
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,280
I couldn't just turn him away!
288
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:44,240
Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum!
No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
289
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,400
I've got to get back to work. What?!
290
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,280
What am I gonna say,
"Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy back to Switzerland?"
291
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,280
Mum, don't you dare...
292
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,960
No! Do not...
293
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,160
No, Mum!
294
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,560
Mother!
295
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,640
Mother?!
296
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,040
MOTHER?!
297
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,840
Oh, Jesus Christ!
298
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,120
Russell's got a boy in his room!
299
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:13,520
Dude, I don't want to teach you how
to suck eggs, but whatever you do, do not fuck him.
300
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,720
In fact, you should film yourself
not fucking him, just in case.
301
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,680
Uh-oh.
302
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,640
Where is he? He's gone.
303
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,640
SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES
304
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,520
WATER RUNS
Oh, no.
305
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,520
Oh, Christ, no!
306
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,320
He's in the shower!
307
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,320
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is in my shower!"
308
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,720
There's a nude boy in your house.
309
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,800
"He's already nude?
What is it with you Europeans?"
310
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,680
OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
311
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,960
He hasn't got a towel. What if he
comes out and it's all steamy
312
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,320
and he's looking for a towel
and he's nude and he bumps into me?
313
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,800
You need to get him out of there.
I can't. He's locked the door!
314
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,760
"Lure him out with chocolate." What?
"I mean it, man!"
315
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,320
Get some choc and a piece of string
and just lure him on out of there.
316
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,600
Wait! Forget the choc!
Bust the door down!
317
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,880
"Don't bust the door down!"
318
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,360
You can't bang on a nude boy!
319
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,080
Just get out! Run!
320
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,320
HE WHIMPERS
321
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,240
OK, I'm in the garden!
322
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,920
"Call the cops." "Yeah, but what if
they seize his laptop, though?"
323
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,160
"The chat logs..." "All that talk
of having sex with young boys."
324
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,720
I didn't say that! You said that!
325
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,840
"God, this is really tense."
Will someone tell me what to do?!
326
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,240
"Wait, I got it!
327
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,800
"No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!"
328
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,520
You're on your own, mate. All on
your own with a wet naked child.
329
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,360
I'm kicking him out.
330
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,560
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
331
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,120
TENSE MUSIC
332
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,320
HE KNOCKS SOFTLY
333
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:52,680
Otto, mate? You need to put your
clothes on and leave, please, mate.
334
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,760
"At least half-close your eyes in
case you accidentally see him nude."
335
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,000
SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS
336
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,600
I have your bag.
337
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,600
You need to take it and get out.
338
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,160
Oh, no.
339
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,360
His mum died yesterday.
340
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,160
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died!
341
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,760
Yeah. I mean,
I guess all the clues were there.
342
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,680
"Jesus, he's an orphan."
343
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,800
You're his mummy now, Russell.
344
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,800
CLANGING
345
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,360
"Oh, hey, Nicky."
346
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,640
"What the hell is that?"
347
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,520
"Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation tools.
348
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,800
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin
but I think it does the job.
349
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,800
"We're going to string it up by the
cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
350
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,520
"Are you coming?"
"You crossed a line.
351
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,680
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!"
352
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,080
"Suit yourself. Come on, boys!
353
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,080
"Ha! Right in the tit!
354
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,960
"20 gold crowns
if you can get him in the goolies.
355
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,640
"Yes!"
356
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,840
Have you seen the Twitter?
357
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,680
Vince Vaughn's withdrawing
from the role.
358
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,560
What?
359
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:25,960
No way?
360
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,960
Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true!
361
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,440
# Vince Is Mince!
The nightmare is over!
362
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,200
There's a quote from his PR team.
363
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,400
They said he withdrew from the role
due to, quote,
364
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,040
"Some of the vicious
personal comments online."
365
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,600
THEY GASP
That was me! Some of that was me!
366
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,400
Did they mention the clonking at
all? This might sound a bit grand,
367
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,840
but I've changed the course
of human history! I just have!
368
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,480
Good for you, Meg!
369
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,560
THEY LAUGH
370
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,440
He drove his car into a tree.
What was that?
371
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,160
Apparently, some guy saw him
in a bar looking all sad
372
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,920
and then he got into his car
and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
373
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,800
I think he's OK.
He split his head open
374
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,720
and lost consciousness
for a few minutes.
375
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,720
Mm.
376
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:19,360
Right. His daughter's been crying
on Instagram.
377
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,080
I think they're sending him
to a facility, so he's going to be all right,
378
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,960
but still...
379
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,880
Oh, God! Mm.
380
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,760
What type of tree?
381
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,800
Oak. 32 miles per hour.
382
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,560
Pinned to the wheel.
383
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,960
Neighbours reported squealing,
apparently. Squealing? Squealing.
384
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,160
Vince Vaughn was squealing?
He was squealing, yes.
385
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,320
The star of The Wedding Crashers,
386
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,520
squealing in his Prius.
387
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,480
But I guess that's good for you
388
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,880
because now
he won't be in your movie.
389
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,560
So, yeah.
390
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,600
Yay!
391
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,960
Mm...
392
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,280
SWEEPING MUSIC
393
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,280
"Reports of sustained squealing."
394
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,800
"So it wasn't just a single squeal,
it was sustained." "Yep. All right, Nicky."
395
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,000
That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
396
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,320
Us, Nicky.
397
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:30,280
Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin filled with horrible pictures?
398
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:35,120
It was probably the clonking
that tipped him over the edge, like a raven pecking on his skull.
399
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,760
Bullshit. What's clonking
ever achieved? All right!
400
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,160
Maybe it's the cost of progress.
401
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,160
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
402
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,360
And that's cool.
403
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,760
Guys, good news. I asked my mum
404
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,080
and she said Otto could stay with us
till he gets himself sorted out.
405
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:01,360
Wow!
That's actually really sweet of you.
406
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:06,560
Can anyone think of something fun
to do to cheer him up? You know, because his mum died, didn't she?
407
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,440
Actually, there is one thing.
408
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,160
SWEEPING MUSIC
409
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,920
You were right, Russell,
this actually is fun!
410
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,440
Oh! The robot! Oh!
MEG LAUGHS
411
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,680
I'd just like to remind you that
all you're doing is pressing is F4.
412
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,560
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
413
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,000
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here. No, thanks, Meg.
414
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,880
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
415
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,480
"You'll never guess who
they're thinking of casting now."
416
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,680
Paul Rudd.
417
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,040
WHAT? NO!
418
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,320
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
419
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,760
I might actually be sick!
My hands have gone all tingly!
420
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,920
I just wanna fall asleep
and never wake up!
421
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,040
This is a living, breathing
nightmare!
422
00:22:52,090 --> 00:22:56,640
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