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[GUITAR MUSIC]
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Julia James. I'm here for the meeting.
4
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They're not quite ready for you.
5
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:32,417
Do you have a bathroom?
6
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I just want to freshen up a bit.
7
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Yeah, right over here.
But, girl, you look good.
8
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[LAUGHS]
9
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[NERVOUS MUSIC]
10
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11
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Shit.
12
00:00:49,928 --> 00:00:51,478
Shit.
13
00:00:57,753 --> 00:01:00,370
They're ready... for you...
14
00:01:00,818 --> 00:01:03,838
Who's the most stylish woman
in the office about my size?
15
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- Chantal, why...
- I need you to go to Chantal.
16
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Tell her there's a woman
in the bathroom
17
00:01:07,441 --> 00:01:09,639
who will give her $200 cash
for her top.
18
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Come on! I need your help.
19
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I'm about to go into my tryouts
for the big leagues.
20
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If I show up like a girl
from Morristown
21
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who got nervous and pitted out,
22
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it's over before I even open my mouth.
23
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Please.
24
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Give her the money.
25
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:23,290
You don't like what I'm wearing?
26
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I just think we have
different taste levels,
27
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but it looks great on you.
28
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Mr. Benjamin, you and I actually
29
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have something in common.
30
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We're both owners, and while Morristown
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may be a different market
than Tampa Bay,
32
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we face the same problem...
33
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baseball is dying.
34
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You've seen the demographics.
35
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Anyone under the age of 20
would rather watch e-sports
36
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,032
than a baseball game.
37
00:01:47,192 --> 00:01:49,241
But I was able to increase attendance
38
00:01:49,278 --> 00:01:52,810
in Scranton Wilkes-Barre by 60%. How?
39
00:01:53,606 --> 00:01:56,986
'Cause I know there's one
inescapable fact about baseball.
40
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It's fun to go see a game.
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Maybe boring as shit to watch on TV,
42
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,609
fade into the background on the radio,
43
00:02:03,646 --> 00:02:05,433
but in person...
44
00:02:06,617 --> 00:02:09,291
it's like the goddamn circus
came to town.
45
00:02:10,287 --> 00:02:13,080
Except without all
the elephant torture.
46
00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:17,001
What's your proposal?
47
00:02:17,086 --> 00:02:19,020
Pick your worst
spring training home date,
48
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the one you know right now
will be impossible to draw.
49
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Allow me to run a promotion on it.
50
00:02:23,369 --> 00:02:24,943
I guarantee it'll sell out,
51
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because even with the
obstacles Tampa Bay faces,
52
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a shrinking fan base, a bad team,
53
00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:32,560
the gator incident of '09...
54
00:02:32,597 --> 00:02:35,439
Hey, that man still swears
it was consensual.
55
00:02:37,068 --> 00:02:39,515
I know how to get people
to come to a baseball game.
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00:02:39,956 --> 00:02:41,276
And once I prove it,
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you'll want to hire my
consulting company,
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Julia James Promotions,
on some regular season dates.
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Wednesday, March 13.
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00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:51,866
It's a 10:00 a.m. start time
due to a rodeo
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00:02:51,903 --> 00:02:54,047
that's taking place in the parking lot.
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So the whole place'll smell
like cow shit.
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How's that sound to you?
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Like perfection.
65
00:03:01,187 --> 00:03:02,928
Who we playing?
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00:03:03,201 --> 00:03:04,816
Oakland.
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Great.
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[GUITAR MUSIC]
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00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,322
70
00:03:10,588 --> 00:03:12,939
I don't really believe in
fate, or destiny,
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00:03:12,976 --> 00:03:14,159
or good things happening,
72
00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:16,713
but the fact that Jules'
major league debut
73
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is the same game that we're calling...
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00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,875
- I mean, what are the odds?
- Pretty good, considering
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you're both starting at the bottom
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for the two worst
franchises in baseball.
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Well, thank you, Gabby.
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00:03:25,388 --> 00:03:27,509
You are the wind above my wings.
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00:03:27,996 --> 00:03:30,281
So what's going on with you two?
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00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:32,217
You getting back together, or...
81
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,667
I don't know. I mean,
82
00:03:33,738 --> 00:03:35,654
one scenario that could play itself out
83
00:03:35,691 --> 00:03:37,646
is we start with one to two
phone calls a week
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and the occasional brunch.
85
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On a lark, we get a timeshare
together in Ojai
86
00:03:42,083 --> 00:03:43,157
with some mutual friends,
87
00:03:43,194 --> 00:03:45,086
and, no, that's when
the intimacy returns.
88
00:03:45,123 --> 00:03:47,688
With a soup?on of sexual tension
89
00:03:47,725 --> 00:03:49,069
thrown into the broth there.
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In three to eight years,
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00:03:50,262 --> 00:03:51,955
when I finally do get my shit together,
92
00:03:51,992 --> 00:03:53,567
we marry at the Ojai house
93
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which is where it all began
for us, really.
94
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,146
Our rescue dog, Satchel,
95
00:03:57,183 --> 00:03:59,279
'cause we're not exactly sure
how old he is,
96
00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:01,038
he's gonna be the ring bearer.
97
00:04:01,229 --> 00:04:02,848
So you're playing it cool. That's good.
98
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,054
That's our story, but what about you?
99
00:04:05,091 --> 00:04:06,774
Are you seeing anybody?
100
00:04:06,926 --> 00:04:09,384
Uh, I'm married, actually,
to my wife, Gayle.
101
00:04:09,504 --> 00:04:11,189
No wonder we get along so well.
102
00:04:11,226 --> 00:04:13,580
I'm one of those straight men
who has always preferred
103
00:04:13,617 --> 00:04:14,850
the company of lesbians.
104
00:04:14,895 --> 00:04:16,543
Oh, you mean like a "Dyke Mike"?
105
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:18,358
- Yeah, exactly.
- No, I just made that up.
106
00:04:18,395 --> 00:04:19,716
What you're describing does not exist.
107
00:04:19,752 --> 00:04:21,523
Now wait, check out my bona fides here.
108
00:04:21,634 --> 00:04:23,675
My sister Jean
just came out as a lesbian.
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00:04:23,712 --> 00:04:25,505
She's one of my best friends.
110
00:04:25,585 --> 00:04:27,626
I've seen all six seasons
of the "L Word."
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00:04:27,663 --> 00:04:29,721
God, I'm such a Bette.
112
00:04:29,807 --> 00:04:31,761
And, oh, Melissa Etheridge and I,
113
00:04:31,798 --> 00:04:34,059
we invented our own strain of
weed three years ago.
114
00:04:34,096 --> 00:04:36,700
- We called it O.G. Bush.
- I don't get it.
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- See, 'cause it rhymes with kush.
- Yeah.
116
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:39,718
- No, I get it. Listen,
- Oh. Oh.
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00:04:39,755 --> 00:04:41,520
I don't like to discuss
my sexuality at work,
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00:04:41,557 --> 00:04:43,600
'cause all it does is embolden
straight white guys
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00:04:43,637 --> 00:04:45,371
to ask me a bunch of stupid,
personal questions.
120
00:04:45,408 --> 00:04:46,928
- Just... one question...
- Nope. Nope. Nope.
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00:04:46,964 --> 00:04:48,649
If you ask me who leads when
we dance, I swear to God.
122
00:04:48,686 --> 00:04:50,902
No, my question is
how do lesbians always
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00:04:50,939 --> 00:04:52,776
remain such good friends
with their exes?
124
00:04:52,813 --> 00:04:55,171
- That's a stereotype.
- Is it though?
125
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,569
May I say that you look
very nice today.
126
00:04:57,766 --> 00:04:59,959
And I... no, I mean that
in whatever way is appropriate
127
00:04:59,996 --> 00:05:01,246
- to this current...
- [LAUGHS]
128
00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:02,470
- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
129
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,235
Do you mind if I drink in front of you?
130
00:05:04,272 --> 00:05:06,525
If it's a trigger,
I can put it in a paper bag
131
00:05:06,562 --> 00:05:08,086
or just take nips in the bathroom.
132
00:05:08,123 --> 00:05:10,065
That's very considerate,
but, no, I don't mind
133
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,268
if people drink in front of me.
134
00:05:11,402 --> 00:05:13,242
No, my only triggers are dive bars
135
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:14,928
and the movies of Christopher Nolan.
136
00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:17,722
That's right.
You threw a whiskey bottle
137
00:05:17,742 --> 00:05:19,721
at my TV during...
BOTH: "Interstellar."
138
00:05:19,758 --> 00:05:22,574
I mean, I just want to be told
the story of the goddamn movie.
139
00:05:22,611 --> 00:05:23,873
I don't want to get taught a lesson
140
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:25,750
in how to solve the puzzle
of what the hell I'm watching.
141
00:05:25,954 --> 00:05:28,678
Could I get a pint glass of
Chardonnay on the rocks?
142
00:05:28,715 --> 00:05:30,376
I know you don't do that,
143
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,093
but really that just means
you haven't done it yet,
144
00:05:32,129 --> 00:05:33,105
'cause it's simple.
145
00:05:33,142 --> 00:05:35,312
You fill a pint glass full of ice,
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then charge me for your finest
bottle of Chardonnay,
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00:05:38,496 --> 00:05:41,487
pour that bottle into the glass
till it hits the brim.
148
00:05:41,524 --> 00:05:43,288
Then keep the bottle handy,
'cause I need a buzz
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00:05:43,325 --> 00:05:45,186
to make it through this lunch.
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00:05:45,883 --> 00:05:47,903
I'm gonna make it worth your while.
151
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Wow.
152
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,185
Oh, hey, I like Jules
with money and power,
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00:05:55,337 --> 00:05:56,612
and I think the rest of the world...
154
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- I'm dating someone.
- I'm sorry?
155
00:05:59,266 --> 00:06:02,547
I say I'm seeing someone.
156
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,069
Oh.
157
00:06:04,221 --> 00:06:05,642
Okay.
158
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,048
Of course, you're great.
159
00:06:07,085 --> 00:06:08,696
I'm sure you met somebody great.
160
00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:10,083
- It makes sense...
- Someone you know.
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00:06:10,173 --> 00:06:12,027
Really? Okay.
162
00:06:12,173 --> 00:06:15,295
Listen, new Jim, totally fine with it.
163
00:06:15,466 --> 00:06:16,954
We work in the same field.
164
00:06:16,991 --> 00:06:18,348
I mean, it was inevitable, right?
165
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It'd be weird if
I didn't know this, uh...
166
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,141
- acquaintance?
- It's a good friend of yours.
167
00:06:25,670 --> 00:06:30,084
Okay, that narrows it down
to zero, Jules.
168
00:06:30,121 --> 00:06:31,669
No, I don't have any good friends.
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00:06:31,706 --> 00:06:34,152
Unless you're gonna tell me
you're dating George Brett.
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00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,164
I'm gonna need a top off.
171
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I'm dating George Brett.
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00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,300
Jules, seriously?
173
00:06:54,388 --> 00:06:56,913
'Cause he's not a good friend,
he's my one friend.
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00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,072
He's the only person
that sends me a birthday card.
175
00:06:59,109 --> 00:07:01,603
I mean, he's my goddamn
emergency contact.
176
00:07:01,666 --> 00:07:03,535
I know. That's how we met.
177
00:07:03,664 --> 00:07:06,194
He was used to getting
calls from hospitals
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00:07:06,231 --> 00:07:07,526
and brothels around the world,
179
00:07:07,563 --> 00:07:09,062
and then you disappeared
for a whole year.
180
00:07:09,099 --> 00:07:11,340
He was worried. We all were.
181
00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:14,338
He reached out, and then we hit it off.
182
00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:17,601
Oh, so, I kind of
brought you guys together.
183
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:18,875
- All right.
- In a way.
184
00:07:18,912 --> 00:07:20,828
- That's romantic.
- And you know I always
185
00:07:20,865 --> 00:07:23,122
had a crush on
Crocodile Dundee growing up.
186
00:07:23,159 --> 00:07:26,603
Yeah, well, George
is very Paul Hogan-esque.
187
00:07:27,583 --> 00:07:29,247
- Give you that.
- I had to tell you,
188
00:07:29,284 --> 00:07:31,503
'cause it's really serious.
189
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:32,982
We're moving in together.
190
00:07:33,674 --> 00:07:35,605
Well, now that's surprising, Jules,
191
00:07:35,642 --> 00:07:36,954
considering that you never
192
00:07:36,991 --> 00:07:38,406
forgave me for leaving Morristown...
193
00:07:38,443 --> 00:07:40,372
George is moving to Morristown.
194
00:07:41,126 --> 00:07:44,202
Oh, get out of here. Come on.
195
00:07:44,324 --> 00:07:46,435
- Yeah.
- Okay,
196
00:07:46,472 --> 00:07:50,425
um, I need a little time with
this, but, um...
197
00:07:50,665 --> 00:07:52,969
- There's more.
- Oh, really?
198
00:07:53,324 --> 00:07:55,102
You're not even gonna
do me the courtesy
199
00:07:55,139 --> 00:07:56,326
of stabbing in the back?
200
00:07:56,363 --> 00:07:57,883
You're just gonna look me
straight in the face
201
00:07:57,919 --> 00:07:59,253
as you plunge the knife in, huh?
202
00:07:59,290 --> 00:08:02,071
It's not a knife, it's just my life,
203
00:08:02,147 --> 00:08:03,791
but, okay, I'll drop it.
204
00:08:04,664 --> 00:08:06,280
Thanks.
205
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,229
What is it? What?
206
00:08:11,328 --> 00:08:13,585
He's up for a studio job
with Bob Costas
207
00:08:13,622 --> 00:08:15,450
on the MLB network.
208
00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:17,668
- Okay.
- So I figured,
209
00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:18,937
since you know Costas...
210
00:08:18,993 --> 00:08:20,455
I haven't spoken to Costas
since he got me
211
00:08:20,492 --> 00:08:22,296
cut out of "Ken Burns's
Baseball Documentary."
212
00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:24,650
Yeah, I know all about your interview.
213
00:08:24,687 --> 00:08:26,510
Yeah, an interview
which will never be seen
214
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,913
in the definitive,
visual history of the game
215
00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:31,767
all because Bob Costas is
the world's smallest asshole.
216
00:08:31,918 --> 00:08:34,222
You... no, you want me to eat
a cold plate of shit
217
00:08:34,259 --> 00:08:36,719
and call him up,
all to get your new boyfriend,
218
00:08:36,756 --> 00:08:39,020
my best friend, a job?
219
00:08:39,222 --> 00:08:40,888
Never mind.
220
00:08:41,964 --> 00:08:43,102
I don't know why I even thought...
221
00:08:43,139 --> 00:08:44,706
All right, you know what?
I'm gonna do it.
222
00:08:44,743 --> 00:08:45,989
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
223
00:08:46,063 --> 00:08:48,221
- Why?
- Because the old Jim
224
00:08:48,258 --> 00:08:49,616
would have used this as an excuse
225
00:08:49,653 --> 00:08:51,326
to go on a bender and try to catch
226
00:08:51,363 --> 00:08:53,990
that super gonorrhea with both hands.
227
00:08:54,929 --> 00:08:56,974
But I'm new Jim.
228
00:08:59,936 --> 00:09:02,718
Thank you for supporting
Tampa baseball.
229
00:09:02,755 --> 00:09:04,259
During the game...
230
00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:06,695
You know, the only things
I know about George Brett
231
00:09:06,731 --> 00:09:09,334
are he is a hall-of-famer,
and, more impressively,
232
00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:10,956
Lorde wrote her song "Royals"
about him.
233
00:09:10,993 --> 00:09:12,193
Thank you for that fun fact, Gabby.
234
00:09:12,229 --> 00:09:14,397
You know what really
chaps my ass though?
235
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,692
She had the balls, she had the cajones
236
00:09:16,729 --> 00:09:18,624
to ask me to do her a favor
237
00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:20,818
by calling up Bob Costas on the phone.
238
00:09:20,902 --> 00:09:22,494
So what's the big deal?
239
00:09:22,581 --> 00:09:24,310
The year's 1993, okay?
240
00:09:24,347 --> 00:09:27,292
I'm walking into an interview
as Costas is walking out.
241
00:09:27,329 --> 00:09:28,525
I say, "Hey, Bob",
242
00:09:28,562 --> 00:09:30,958
what kind of stuff does
Ken Burns want to know?"
243
00:09:31,053 --> 00:09:33,791
He says, "Oh, he's looking
for all the X-rated details"
244
00:09:33,852 --> 00:09:35,532
that nobody ever shares on camera."
245
00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:37,707
So I sit down in front of Ken Burns
246
00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:40,367
and I launch myself into this graphic
247
00:09:40,404 --> 00:09:43,526
and detailed history
of beaver shooting.
248
00:09:43,563 --> 00:09:46,303
- I don't know what that is.
- Most of baseball history,
249
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:48,408
the players like
to sneak underneath the stands
250
00:09:48,445 --> 00:09:50,620
and try to find the women who
weren't wearing any underwear.
251
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:51,859
It's kind of like bird watching,
252
00:09:51,896 --> 00:09:53,396
except, you know, for labias.
253
00:09:53,513 --> 00:09:55,509
So that's what you thought
Ken Burns wanted to hear?
254
00:09:55,570 --> 00:09:57,974
Just a tradition of low-grade
sexual assault?
255
00:09:58,011 --> 00:09:59,347
The point of that story was not really
256
00:09:59,384 --> 00:10:01,417
how Ken Burns' funereal tone
257
00:10:01,481 --> 00:10:03,965
sands over the profane aspects
of American history.
258
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,338
The point is Bob Costas fucked me
259
00:10:06,411 --> 00:10:08,887
and didn't even have the
decency to finger my ass first.
260
00:10:08,924 --> 00:10:10,290
Wait, don't you always brag
261
00:10:10,327 --> 00:10:12,360
that you gave Bob Costas
pink eye in Sochi?
262
00:10:12,397 --> 00:10:14,395
Yeah, I definitely did that.
263
00:10:14,446 --> 00:10:16,449
So then you're even. Feud over.
264
00:10:16,486 --> 00:10:18,240
Now you can go help
the woman's who's heart
265
00:10:18,277 --> 00:10:20,518
I assume you broke over and over.
266
00:10:20,763 --> 00:10:21,957
It was just twice.
267
00:10:21,994 --> 00:10:25,236
All right, we're on in three,
two, one...
268
00:10:25,371 --> 00:10:27,808
Welcome, everybody,
to Port Charlotte, Florida,
269
00:10:27,845 --> 00:10:30,491
home today not only
of spring training baseball
270
00:10:30,528 --> 00:10:34,287
but to the 2019 South Eastern
Rodeo semifinals.
271
00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:36,044
And although it's only 10:00 a.m.,
272
00:10:36,081 --> 00:10:38,915
the broiling sun is reminding
us all that livestock
273
00:10:38,952 --> 00:10:41,983
are in fact defecating in very
large numbers out there.
274
00:10:42,055 --> 00:10:44,240
Smells so bad it
actually hurts my feelings.
275
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,507
How about you, Gabby?
276
00:10:45,544 --> 00:10:46,840
Yeah, I don't know what's worse, Jim.
277
00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:49,302
That I can taste it or that
I've gotten used to the taste.
278
00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:52,097
Oh, definitely the latter,
but what's remarkable
279
00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:54,673
is that this stadium slash
animal toilet
280
00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:57,043
is somehow packed full of fans.
281
00:10:57,203 --> 00:10:58,599
Oh!
282
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:00,326
Wow.
283
00:11:01,112 --> 00:11:05,047
We haven't had a sellout here
in, uh... ever.
284
00:11:05,211 --> 00:11:07,988
[LAUGHS] Never had a doubt.
285
00:11:08,028 --> 00:11:09,728
What's with all the phones?
286
00:11:10,134 --> 00:11:13,075
Augmented reality.
Future of live entertainment.
287
00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:14,874
A composite between the real world
288
00:11:14,911 --> 00:11:16,104
and the digital world.
289
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,655
Right now they're all playing a game
290
00:11:17,692 --> 00:11:19,176
called "Beasts of Bedlam."
291
00:11:19,213 --> 00:11:22,689
They're using their phones
to battle and capture monsters.
292
00:11:22,726 --> 00:11:25,041
So I partnered with the creators
293
00:11:25,078 --> 00:11:28,722
and made the stadium
a realm of rare creatures.
294
00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:31,010
Video games on your phone.
295
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:33,345
My fat grandson plays those
all the time,
296
00:11:33,382 --> 00:11:35,857
but what's that have
to do with baseball?
297
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,185
You promised me fans for life.
298
00:11:38,222 --> 00:11:39,674
This...
299
00:11:39,975 --> 00:11:41,252
this is a gimmick.
300
00:11:41,343 --> 00:11:44,190
Top of the seventh, Ramirez
on to pitch now for Tampa Bay
301
00:11:44,227 --> 00:11:46,069
in what has been
a very strange ball game.
302
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,633
Most of the crowd has been playing
303
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:49,512
some weird game on their phone.
304
00:11:49,596 --> 00:11:50,991
Holy shit!
305
00:11:51,074 --> 00:11:53,080
A new character was just released.
306
00:11:53,117 --> 00:11:54,851
It's the baseball throwing guy.
307
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,305
On the field. On the hill.
308
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:58,929
Ramirez!
309
00:11:59,106 --> 00:12:02,200
[CROWD CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]
310
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:05,938
If he strikes out the next batter,
311
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:08,622
his character will buff 20%
312
00:12:08,704 --> 00:12:11,171
and become the most powerful monster
313
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,737
in the M-O-B-A.
314
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,531
- Is that the MOBA?
- Yep.
315
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,177
The MOBA. My goodness,
316
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,177
this is making me long for the days
317
00:12:18,214 --> 00:12:19,539
when I did commercial reads
318
00:12:19,576 --> 00:12:21,818
for the smooth taste
of extra tar cigarettes.
319
00:12:21,855 --> 00:12:23,471
Gabby, can you please tell me
320
00:12:23,508 --> 00:12:25,216
what the heck it is that I just read.
321
00:12:25,253 --> 00:12:26,570
If Ramirez strikes out Copeland,
322
00:12:26,607 --> 00:12:28,112
basically I'll never lose a game
323
00:12:28,149 --> 00:12:29,999
to my nieces and nephews again.
324
00:12:30,355 --> 00:12:32,243
That didn't clear anything up.
325
00:12:33,065 --> 00:12:34,788
- Well, there's strike two.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
326
00:12:34,844 --> 00:12:36,660
Why are they all going crazy?
327
00:12:36,963 --> 00:12:39,137
'Cause we just made the game
real to them.
328
00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,972
This'll be their favorite
memory of favorite their thing,
329
00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:43,474
and they'll be forever drawn to Tampa
330
00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:45,425
to see if we're as fun
as they remember.
331
00:12:46,312 --> 00:12:47,770
[CROWD CHEERS]
332
00:12:47,877 --> 00:12:49,929
Nostalgia. Swing, and strike three!
333
00:12:49,966 --> 00:12:52,400
It's the most powerful drug there is.
334
00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:56,742
Come by tomorrow.
335
00:12:56,972 --> 00:12:59,517
I'll give you all the regular
season dates I can.
336
00:12:59,554 --> 00:13:01,987
[SIGHS] Tomorrow doesn't work for me.
337
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,422
- Really?
- I'm kidding.
338
00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:06,765
- I was just...
- Ah. Ah...
339
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,158
I like money. I'll be there.
340
00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:16,926
Well, you did it, Jules.
341
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,589
- I did.
- You did.
342
00:13:18,626 --> 00:13:21,794
Have you called George yet?
Tell him the good news?
343
00:13:22,298 --> 00:13:24,055
Yup.
344
00:13:24,451 --> 00:13:26,533
He doesn't really get the whole
video game thing.
345
00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:28,769
- I mean, he's from a different era.
- Yeah.
346
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,029
I had to explain to him who Lorde is.
347
00:13:31,108 --> 00:13:33,291
You know that he inspired her
to write the song "Royals"?
348
00:13:33,328 --> 00:13:35,146
I heard that. That's very cool.
349
00:13:35,237 --> 00:13:36,981
You know, Jules,
what you did here today,
350
00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:39,334
that's one of the most amazing
things I've ever seen,
351
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,498
and I once saw a triple play
end a ball game. Ha.
352
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,389
Thank you.
353
00:13:44,652 --> 00:13:45,996
Hope you and George go out
354
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:48,384
and just get drunk
as two skunks tonight.
355
00:13:48,557 --> 00:13:50,148
Nuh-uh.
356
00:13:50,685 --> 00:13:52,042
No, no.
357
00:13:53,045 --> 00:13:54,759
George is sober.
358
00:13:55,198 --> 00:13:56,972
Sober as in serious,
359
00:13:57,049 --> 00:13:59,495
like in how you would describe
a hardened pilgrim woman
360
00:13:59,532 --> 00:14:02,281
named Goodie who watched
all of her children die?
361
00:14:02,898 --> 00:14:05,743
No, I mean, he...
362
00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:08,787
stopped drinking around
the same time you did.
363
00:14:11,233 --> 00:14:12,764
Will you excuse me for just a minute?
364
00:14:12,801 --> 00:14:14,219
Yeah.
365
00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:20,246
[TEPID MUSIC]
366
00:14:20,422 --> 00:14:27,745
367
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:31,260
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
368
00:14:32,552 --> 00:14:34,628
Everything okay?
369
00:14:35,588 --> 00:14:37,346
Hooooow dare you!
370
00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:40,454
How dare you date someone sober
who isn't me!
371
00:14:40,491 --> 00:14:42,563
All this time I thought
you were just too damaged
372
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,726
to handle my sobriety,
373
00:14:43,763 --> 00:14:45,734
but now I see I was just
too young for you.
374
00:14:45,771 --> 00:14:47,737
Turns out you wanted to fuck your dad.
375
00:14:47,774 --> 00:14:49,976
- Okay, we're done.
- Sorry, Jules, well...
376
00:14:50,013 --> 00:14:51,338
I'm sorry. Jules.
377
00:14:51,604 --> 00:14:53,671
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
378
00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,745
Look, I said some
unforgivable things to you.
379
00:14:56,794 --> 00:14:59,257
Now you say some unforgivable
things to me... we'll be fine.
380
00:14:59,294 --> 00:15:00,638
I don't want to say horrible
things to you.
381
00:15:00,674 --> 00:15:01,835
I don't want to say anything to you.
382
00:15:01,872 --> 00:15:03,072
Great, just keep talking about how
383
00:15:03,108 --> 00:15:04,563
you don't want to talk to me anymore.
384
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,003
Holy shit.
385
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:07,784
Look, can we at least talk...
386
00:15:07,821 --> 00:15:09,284
Oh, my God. Can we talk about
387
00:15:09,321 --> 00:15:10,930
what's going on with this loose pig?
388
00:15:11,081 --> 00:15:12,673
I mean, the rodeo left hours ago.
389
00:15:13,137 --> 00:15:15,992
Did it escape? Was it abandoned?
390
00:15:16,109 --> 00:15:17,860
Why is it wearing a pirate hat?
391
00:15:17,923 --> 00:15:20,274
No, seriously, I really feel
like if ever there were
392
00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:21,695
a worthy topic of conversation...
393
00:15:21,732 --> 00:15:23,308
If I broke up with George right now,
394
00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,748
would you even be capable of
having a relationship?
395
00:15:26,253 --> 00:15:28,795
Not at this point in my sobriety, no,
396
00:15:28,832 --> 00:15:30,920
but I did just get
a turtle though, so...
397
00:15:30,957 --> 00:15:33,841
So you want me to just
398
00:15:34,012 --> 00:15:36,012
keep putting my life on hold
in perpetuity
399
00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:37,360
while you get your shit together?
400
00:15:37,397 --> 00:15:39,230
I mean, how would that even work?
401
00:15:39,309 --> 00:15:42,201
Well, now, one scenario
that could play out
402
00:15:42,297 --> 00:15:44,615
is we start with one to two
phone calls a week.
403
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,644
One to two phone calls a week?
404
00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:49,504
Are you insane? We didn't work out!
405
00:15:49,766 --> 00:15:52,638
You needed to get out
and pursue your dreams,
406
00:15:52,675 --> 00:15:55,176
and I had to stay
and try to salvage mine.
407
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:57,474
I'm glad you're trying to get healthy,
408
00:15:57,511 --> 00:15:59,011
but let me be clear.
409
00:15:59,204 --> 00:16:01,637
We're never getting back together.
410
00:16:01,801 --> 00:16:03,230
Ever!
411
00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:05,813
Move the pig.
412
00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,738
Well...
413
00:16:08,348 --> 00:16:11,866
Holy shit, Jules, the pig's
wearing a different hat.
414
00:16:12,015 --> 00:16:13,841
Seriously, that's either
a different pig
415
00:16:13,878 --> 00:16:15,981
or he made a wardrobe change
all on his own.
416
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,186
I mean, Jesus Christ. I really feel
417
00:16:18,223 --> 00:16:19,913
that we should put
our differences aside
418
00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:21,712
and focus on this pig situation.
419
00:16:21,749 --> 00:16:24,693
Move the pig, or I'm gonna run it over.
420
00:16:24,844 --> 00:16:25,910
Understood. All right.
421
00:16:25,947 --> 00:16:28,749
All right, Mr. Pig. Soo-ee.
422
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,000
Move along.
423
00:16:30,151 --> 00:16:31,927
- Hoo-ahh!
- [PIG SQUEALS]
424
00:16:32,346 --> 00:16:34,162
Jules, please don't leave.
425
00:16:34,239 --> 00:16:35,818
I was ready to kill the magical pig.
426
00:16:35,855 --> 00:16:37,124
What do you think I'll do to you?
427
00:16:37,161 --> 00:16:39,468
I need you in my life, okay?
I need to at least know
428
00:16:39,505 --> 00:16:42,320
that if I called you someday
you'd answer the phone.
429
00:16:42,608 --> 00:16:44,732
What do I have to do to make
this up to you?
430
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:48,722
George Brett is great,
but so are a lot of people.
431
00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:50,053
This is a big ask.
432
00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:51,982
Yeah, but don't you think
you kind of owe me
433
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,847
after the whole Ken Burns thing, Bob?
434
00:16:53,884 --> 00:16:55,551
You know I only did that
435
00:16:55,594 --> 00:16:58,835
because you and Joe Buck
planted all that Swedish porn
436
00:16:58,872 --> 00:17:01,152
and a dueling pistol in my suitcase
437
00:17:01,189 --> 00:17:02,642
at the '93 All Star Game.
438
00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:04,550
Yeah, but that was really funny, Bob.
439
00:17:04,587 --> 00:17:07,796
The Baltimore airport police
didn't think so.
440
00:17:08,073 --> 00:17:10,664
Oh, yeah, that's why we
planted the gun.
441
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,076
[LAUGHS]
442
00:17:12,191 --> 00:17:15,770
In all seriousness though,
done a lot of work on myself.
443
00:17:15,944 --> 00:17:18,413
I'm finally in a place where
I can admit to you
444
00:17:18,739 --> 00:17:21,511
that that was 100% Joe Buck.
445
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,168
Joe Buck. I warned you about him.
446
00:17:24,205 --> 00:17:27,373
No, you were right. Not all
sociopaths are serial killers.
447
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:29,975
- Punk.
- Punk ass bitch.
448
00:17:32,692 --> 00:17:34,792
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, God.
449
00:17:35,414 --> 00:17:38,222
You know, I forgot how delightful it is
450
00:17:38,312 --> 00:17:40,655
to share a meal with
a fellow raconteur.
451
00:17:40,806 --> 00:17:43,812
You know, one time I had dinner
with Dick Cavett.
452
00:17:43,849 --> 00:17:46,735
It turned into a two-week
river cruise of the Danube.
453
00:17:46,772 --> 00:17:49,097
We were on Peter Bogdanovich's
houseboat.
454
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,998
Well, we should do this again
sometime soon.
455
00:17:51,075 --> 00:17:52,834
Aw.
456
00:17:53,307 --> 00:17:58,441
You know, I feel like I should
get something off my chest.
457
00:17:58,855 --> 00:18:01,658
Part of the program is we, uh,
458
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,027
we make amends to people
we feel we have wronged.
459
00:18:04,064 --> 00:18:06,083
- Yeah.
- And uh...
460
00:18:07,904 --> 00:18:09,814
Bob, I was the one
who gave you pink eye
461
00:18:09,851 --> 00:18:11,513
at the Sochi Olympics.
462
00:18:11,737 --> 00:18:13,020
- What?
- Yeah.
463
00:18:13,097 --> 00:18:15,155
Now, you ever been to Ojai?
464
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,776
They got a delightful bistro there...
465
00:18:16,984 --> 00:18:18,169
I don't understand.
466
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,158
All the doctors told me it was viral.
467
00:18:20,195 --> 00:18:21,833
Oh, it was. Oh, it took some doing.
468
00:18:21,895 --> 00:18:24,428
I mean, I have connections
with the Russian Mafia.
469
00:18:24,864 --> 00:18:27,276
And... but the tough part was
getting into the second eye.
470
00:18:27,428 --> 00:18:30,052
You son of a bitch!
471
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,270
I've won 28 Emmys, a Peabody,
472
00:18:33,307 --> 00:18:35,134
hosted who knows how many Olympics,
473
00:18:35,171 --> 00:18:37,567
World Series, Super Bowls, NBA Finals,
474
00:18:37,604 --> 00:18:40,252
and nobody gives a shit about
any of that anymore.
475
00:18:40,289 --> 00:18:41,865
But that's why I want to
make it up to you.
476
00:18:41,902 --> 00:18:44,933
After all I've done,
if you Google my name,
477
00:18:45,012 --> 00:18:47,971
the first thing that comes up
is pink eye.
478
00:18:48,129 --> 00:18:51,582
Before all the honors,
even before Bob Costas' feet.
479
00:18:51,725 --> 00:18:55,041
And as it happens, my feet
are goddamn delightful.
480
00:18:55,078 --> 00:18:56,763
Well, now, Bob, does this mean you,
481
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,546
you're not gonna help out George Brett?
482
00:18:58,625 --> 00:19:02,309
Oh, no, I'm gonna help him,
and you know why?
483
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:06,467
Just so that every day I can
think about how George Brett
484
00:19:06,538 --> 00:19:08,800
is satisfying your ex-girlfriend
485
00:19:08,895 --> 00:19:11,078
in ways you never dreamed of.
486
00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:12,294
So long, douche bag.
487
00:19:12,331 --> 00:19:14,607
- [SLAP]
- Okay. Ow.
488
00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:17,399
Just because you put
hollandaise on a hot dog,
489
00:19:17,436 --> 00:19:19,055
it doesn't make it a Benedict, Steve.
490
00:19:19,092 --> 00:19:20,834
Good God.
491
00:19:21,841 --> 00:19:24,258
Oh, boy, George Brett.
492
00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:26,235
- How you doing, Jim?
- Oh, I'm good.
493
00:19:26,272 --> 00:19:27,454
Hey, I can't thank you enough
494
00:19:27,491 --> 00:19:28,914
for putting in a good word for me.
495
00:19:28,951 --> 00:19:31,955
- It means the world to me.
- Sure, George. Sure.
496
00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:33,928
We cool?
497
00:19:34,127 --> 00:19:36,015
Oh, yeah, we're cool, George.
498
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:38,085
Did you really move to Morristown?
499
00:19:38,181 --> 00:19:40,070
[LAUGHS] Butler Heights.
500
00:19:40,204 --> 00:19:42,846
Ten miles out of town,
that way you're up on a hill
501
00:19:42,883 --> 00:19:44,871
and above that smell. That's smart.
502
00:19:44,908 --> 00:19:46,828
You always were the smart one, George.
503
00:19:46,865 --> 00:19:49,152
- You know how great she is.
- I do.
504
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,445
That's why I want you to give her
505
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,455
all the love that she deserves.
506
00:19:53,435 --> 00:19:56,004
- So we're cool?
- George, we're cool.
507
00:19:56,041 --> 00:19:57,277
Okay, buddy. Good to see you.
508
00:19:57,314 --> 00:19:58,908
Okay, you too.
509
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,264
[ROCK MUSIC]
510
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:09,271
Hey, hey, you know who I just saw?
511
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:10,623
Crocodile Dundee.
512
00:20:11,046 --> 00:20:13,050
It was George Brett, Gus.
Are you kidding?
513
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,220
Oh. Hey, you know that singer Lorde?
514
00:20:15,436 --> 00:20:16,905
She wrote a song called "Royals"...
515
00:20:16,942 --> 00:20:19,199
I know. Lorde wrote the song
"Royals" about George Brett.
516
00:20:19,236 --> 00:20:21,889
I'm aware that the man's
magnetism was so intense
517
00:20:21,926 --> 00:20:24,228
that a single image of him
autographing baseballs
518
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:27,503
was enough to inspire
a 17-year-old Kiwi goth teen
519
00:20:27,646 --> 00:20:29,923
to write the biggest single
of the 21st century.
520
00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:32,276
So glad I know it too, Gus.
You know why?
521
00:20:32,313 --> 00:20:33,738
'Cause every time I hear that song,
522
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,292
which because it's a modern classic
523
00:20:35,329 --> 00:20:36,811
should be pretty much all the time,
524
00:20:36,848 --> 00:20:39,066
I get to be reminded about
how the love of my life
525
00:20:39,108 --> 00:20:41,767
traded up and is never ever
coming back to me again.
526
00:20:41,804 --> 00:20:44,841
Great talking to you as always, dummy.
527
00:20:45,346 --> 00:20:48,788
Hey, I just saw a guy who
looked like Crocodile Dundee!
528
00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:50,997
[BASEBALL THEME PLAYS]
529
00:20:51,113 --> 00:20:52,907
Open with runners in scoring position
530
00:20:52,944 --> 00:20:54,835
for the first time here this afternoon
531
00:20:54,872 --> 00:20:57,228
as Stubblefield looks at a fastball
532
00:20:57,265 --> 00:20:58,761
on the outside corner for a strike.
533
00:20:58,798 --> 00:21:00,411
2-0. Check it, 1-1.
534
00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:02,200
Sorry about that, folks.
535
00:21:03,259 --> 00:21:06,064
Breaking ball, missed outside
this time, 1-2.
536
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,865
Just did it again.
537
00:21:08,106 --> 00:21:10,579
- Count's 2-2.
- 2-1.
538
00:21:11,174 --> 00:21:13,984
My goodness, three decades
of broadcasting,
539
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:15,812
I don't think I've ever
butchered the count.
540
00:21:15,849 --> 00:21:17,190
At least not quite that badly.
541
00:21:17,227 --> 00:21:19,670
Well, it's spring training
for broadcasters too, Jim.
542
00:21:19,707 --> 00:21:21,557
So it is. Thank you, Gabby.
543
00:21:21,816 --> 00:21:23,841
Stubblefield fouls that one
down the right side,
544
00:21:23,878 --> 00:21:25,415
2-1... no, 2-3.
545
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,645
2-3? Doesn't even make any sense.
546
00:21:27,682 --> 00:21:29,507
Sorry, folks, check it. 2 balling...
547
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,683
2 balls... and tiny...
548
00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:34,240
[WHIMPERS]
549
00:21:34,383 --> 00:21:35,925
Jim, are you having a stroke?
550
00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:39,172
I wish. I think I have the yips.
551
00:21:39,590 --> 00:21:40,823
[WINCES]
552
00:21:40,989 --> 00:21:44,989
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
553
00:21:45,039 --> 00:21:49,589
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