All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e19_English

So, does
your family's business

only manufacture
corrugated cardboard?

Or do they also make
binder's board,

counterboard,
solid bleached board --

You Googled "types of cardboard"
before this, didn't you?

I make time for the things
I care about.

Same. That's why I spent
all day with you.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I had a really nice time.

See you at school, Ollie.

♪♪

[ Door creaks ]

So, things are getting
pretty serious, "Ollie."

Call me that again
and we start looking

for retirement homes
this weekend.

But, yeah.
She's great.

Nice, smart --
And rich.

Yeah, but they're
"make their kids drive

old Mercedes to keep them
grounded" rich.

Not my favorite kind of rich,
but I still like her.

Is all this stuff for Anna-Kat's
playdate this weekend?

Yeah.
These are popular girls.

They can make Anna-Kat.

This playdate
has to be amazing.

I'm sure they're gonna
have fun.

Fun isn't enough.

It has to be the best playdate
of their lives.

I'm going to buy
goodie bags.

It doesn't matter
how rich a kid is.

You put 4 bucks of crap
in a little bag,

they go nuts.

I know I'm grounded, but can
I go to Trip's game tomorrow?

I don't know.
Is Trip's game tomorrow

two weeks in the future,

where you're not grounded
anymore?

Um...
No, you can't go.

Why can't you punish me
when I have nothing going on?

You think
I like doing this?

Well, I do like
doing this.

But I also have to.

It's my responsibility
as a parent.

You'll understand
someday.

Fine-ah!

[ Footsteps depart ]
Why is she grounded?

Her back-talk
is out of control.

Don't forget to return
your library books today.

You have your own bedroom!

Why do you have to live
up my ass?!

[ Sighs ] It's gonna be
a hell of a weekend --

the kind that can
destroy a parent.

But I've got it.

That's why they pay me
the big imaginary bucks.

[ Swallows burp ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Are you okay?
You don't look so hot.

I feel a little...off.

I'll be fine.

Have to be.

There's nothing
to worry about.

[ Gasps ]

[ Vomiting ]

You couldn't throw up
on the garbage disposal side?

-[ Groans softly ]
-Ugh.

♪♪

I'm sick.

And I am in charge of
Anna-Kat's playdate tomorrow.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

So, ask Greg.

He has a work thing.

Mm. You just let us know
what you need.

Oh, really? What do you guys
have going on tomorrow?

Oh, um, well,
we're going to a --
We're --

Guys, you there?

Guys, I know the screen
didn't freeze.

Everyone is moving
around you.

The waiter
is filling your coffee.

Ugh, fine.

I wouldn't do it for you,
either.

Bye, Katie.
We love you.

-Feel better!
-Mwah.

Whoa.
What whoa?

It's none of your concern.

You seem to be confusing me with
someone you can say that to.

[ Sighs ]

Gina Tuscadero?

"Home from Deervale.
Want to hang?"

You are not really thinking
of seeing her, are you?

I don't know. Mm.

She broke your heart.

You laid curled up
on this couch

for two months
moaning about it.

It was pretty pathetic.

You did the exact same thing
when McDreamy

was killed off "Grey's."

Someone died, Oliver.

Besides,
now you're seeing Brie,

who hasn't lied to your face,
broken your heart,

and made you cry so hard,
you did this.

[ Imitating sobbing ]

You promised you'd never
bring that up again.

Just to be clear,

Gina is not allowed
in this house.

I am adding her
to the banned list,

along with gluten-free
Girl Scout cookies.

I mean, this is America,
isn't it?

-I made you some soup.
-Oh.

How you feeling?

Not great.
Mm.

I have to keep an eye
on Oliver and Taylor

and oversee
Anna-Kat's playdate.
Mm.

How's your work thing?

I have to go see my assistant's
stand-up comedy show.

That's your big work thing?

This is my chance
to finally get rid of him.

If Grant makes it in comedy,
he'll quit for sure.

Wouldn't it be easier
just to fire him?

Trust me, it's easier to nurture
his passion for stand-up.

You know him.

He's kind of unstable
and obsessed with me.

The other day, right as we were
getting off the phone,

he said, "I love you."

Caught me by surprise,
so I said, "I love you, too."

Now he's got me
saying it every time.

♪♪

-Grant.
-[ Breathes sharply ]

♪♪

About your showcase...

I'm so glad you're coming.

And I can't wait
for our post-show hug,

which I think will go
something like this.

Mm.

Let's not
get carried away.

[ Sighs ]
Maybe you're right.

Is my dream of fame
a mistake?

You know what?

I'll just stay here with you
in this office, forever.

No.
No, no, uh, no.

You love comedy.

Let's make a time capsule,
right now,

to commemorate the day
we decided to grow old together.
Uh.

I'll put in
my undershirt.

Stop.

You need this.

You need to get up
on that stage.

And then you need to get up
on other stages --

stages far away
from this university.

And laughter is
the universal language,

so you could go anywhere --
like Russia.

You could go to Russia.

Thank you for your support,
Professor Otto.

Oh.

I need a ride.
I can't drive.

My peripheral vision
is not what it used to be.

Plus, I have three DUIs.

[ Door creaks shut ]

♪♪

So, you still have to get
the goodie bags

for Anna-Kat's playdate.

Actually,
I couldn't cancel on Grant.

I wanted to tell you last night,
but you were sleeping.

Well, I can't reschedule
this playdate --

it took a month to get it
on the books.

Don't worry -- I found someone
who can sub in for you.

Kathryn: Katie?

Please tell me
it's anyone but my mother.

Tell me it's the guy who sells
pickles by the off-ramp.

Oh, come on.

When you're
under the weather,

there's nothing better
than a mom.

[ Door creaks lightly ]

Hi, honey.

Ew! You're sick.

[ Groans ]

W-Why didn't you tell me
she was sick?

♪♪

Brought you
some ginger ale.

Ah.
[ Glass thumps lightly ]

How are things with Dad?

Good, good.

We cuddle on the couch
every night.

Oh, that's nice.

Actually,
we don't have any choice.

The apartment is so small
that there's only room

for the one stupid
love seat.

I need to show you the stuff
for Anna-Kat's playdate.

There's a binder.

Seriously?
Mom, please.

I need you not
to suck at this.

Oh, relax.

I raised you,
didn't I?

Not really.

You were never home.

I was alone while
you were traveling around,

boozing it up
at airport bars.

Ah, good times,
good times.

Everything's in
the binder.

Please just
follow the instructions.

It's a playdate.

[ Chuckling ]
God, parents these days.

They're -- They're just
so uptight about everything.

Secondhand smoke made you
the woman you are.

This is my kid.

And I need you
to do it my way.

And I need you to make sure

that Taylor doesn't
leave the house.

And keep Oliver away
from his ex-girlfriend Gina.

Got it.
[ Binder closes ]

And you need to relax.

[ Pills rattling ]
Just take it easy.

Uh, here.

Just take this.

Hm.

It's got a bit
of a bite to it,

so probably best if you
don't try to get out of bed.

A bite?
What did you give me?

Uh, it's off-label, uh,
flu medication.

Yeah, I take them whenever
I'm feeling a little run down.

But most people use it

to sedate gorillas
for transport.

Wait!
The goodie bags.

You got to get them
from the store.

Well, that's not
gonna happen.
It has to happen!

They are the most impor--

They're the -- the...

Wha--

What is happening?

Yeah, that pill kicks in
pretty quick, huh?

Oh, yeah.
You know, I sanded

the slow-down coating
off of them.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh.

Must be the girls.

Just a...

Just a...

[ Echoing ] Oh.

Those pills are
a fun ride.

[ Deep, distorted voice ]
I wish I could join you.

Mnh.

♪♪

Did my mom give you
instructions?

Who can say?

Well, what should we do?

Go play outside now.

Good girls.
Here we go.

Hey, did Mom say
anything about us?

Uh, your mom
isn't saying anything.

I gave her kind of
a strong pill.

Yeah, uh, the FDA banned it

after some people who took it
forgot math.

[ Chuckles ]
Not just how to do it,

but...what it is.

[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.

This is interesting.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, why don't you two
watch each other?

I'll be in the office.

Watch each other, huh?
[ Door closes ]

Hey, do I have your permission
to invite Gina over?

Absolutely.

Do I have your permission
to go to Trip's game?

By all means.

Wow.
Parenting is so easy.

All you got to do is
throw in a "Greeeeg!"

[ Imitating Greg ] Yes, honey.
I'm sorry, honey.

♪♪

Mom? Where do you think
you're going?

Party store.

I gotta get
"goobie" bags.

You're in no condition
to be driving.

You're sick.

And, more importantly,
Grandma's got you rollin' hard.

Whatever.

Don't you "whatever" me!

I am taking these,
you're going back to bed,

and that's that.

No, I'm fine to drive.

Get off of me.

I said, get off!
Fine!

Ugh!

[ Groaning ]

♪♪

Ah! "What's the deal
with trail mix?

It's just M&M's
that are hard to get to,

ammiright?"

You just need to
be yourself up there.

Forget about
the note cards.
[ Stammering ]

Forget the cards.
Forget the cards.
Thank you.

Just forget the cards.
Forget the cards.

Tell stories
about your life.

That's what people
can relate to.

Come from a place
of truth.

Truth. Okay.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I have IBS.

It's extremely painful
and inconvenient.

[ Chuckles ]

Why aren't you laughing?

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

♪♪

Mm.

[ Door creaks ]

Dan! [ Laughs ]

How lucky that I was in town
when you texted.

Oh, and I see you,
uh, brought...
[ Door creaks shut ]

Mittens.
You remember Mittens.
Mittens, yeah.

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

So much has happened
since you came to see me.

Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry to see
about your parents on Facebook.

Yeah. One went
right after the other.
Mm.

They left all the money
to the cats and not me.

[ Mittens meows ]
Oh?

Of course, they also
made me the executor,

so joke's on them.
[ Door opens ]

Oh, right.
The cats just bought
a new place in Aspen.

[ Laughs ]
[ Door closes ]

Grandma?

Oh, uh, Dan, why don't you
just wait in my office

while I get rid of
the nightlight crew?

[ Door creaks ]

What are you three
doing here?

We got cold.

And there aren't
any good toys.

There are sticks.
Hit each other with sticks.

Grandma, I don't think
the playdate's going great.

Can we do something else?

How about a movie?

I only get 22 minutes
of screen time.

Well,
that is just ridiculous.

Now, growing girls your age

need at least
four hours of TV a day.

Come on. Let's go.

♪♪

How about "Cinderella"?
I've seen it.

"Beauty and the Beast"?
Seen it.

Oh.

Here's a cartoon
with a talking hot dog.

Have you seen that?

No.
No.
I'm a vegan, but okay.

Great. Enjoy.
[ Chuckles ]

You need
to get some sleep.

So, when you wake up
from your nap,

I'm gonna make you drink
a lot of water.

[ Sighs ]
I'm still cold.

[ Shivering ]

Okay.
Here you go.

Mm. That's better.

Okay. Well,
you get some rest now.

It's too hot!

[ Sighs ]
It's not too hot.

And I have other things to do
besides taking care of you!

I mean, when does
my life begin?!

You're mean.

♪♪

My grandma always said,
"Husbands are like potato chips.

You can't have just one."

[ Coughing ]

[ Feedback whines ]
Oh, fudge.

[ Whispering ] Hey.

Truth.

Truth.

Anyone else out here
have a terrible boss?

Man: Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]
Mine's the worst.

Guy's crazy
about elbow patches.

I swear he even has them
on his pajamas.

We get it. You're a professor,
you douche-rocket.

[ Laughter ]

You should see
his browser history.

"Why do I have to pee
so much at night?"

"How many carbs
are in tiramisu?"

"Why is my wife
mad at me?"

[ Laughter ]

And he is
so unappreciative.

Every morning,
I take a sip of his coffee

just to make sure it's warm
enough before I give it to him.

Never a "thank you."

[ Laughter ]

It's like, uh,
maybe I should fill it up

with elbow patches,
you douche-rocket?

Yeah!

♪♪

Deervale looks nice.

And to be honest,
it's not that great.

It's really hard
not being the best dancer.

[ Sighs ]
You were right.

I shouldn't have left.

I really miss you.

[ Meows ]

You have a cat?

Maybe.

This place is crazy.

We had a pig
for a while.

[ Laughs ]
To Christmas in Cabo
and New Year's in Aspen.

It's always a good time.

Mittens hates the snow,
though.

And she absolutely refuses
to wear hats.

She much prefers our
summer house in the Hamptons.

Oh, well, I get that.
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, the beach is like
one giant litter box.

That's what she says!
Mm.

I'm glad I reached out.

Seeing you again
after all these years

has me wondering what my life
would've been like

had we not broken up
in high school.

Really?
Mm.

I-I never
thought about that.

You've obviously moved on,
so I shouldn't say this, but...

you are gorgeous,
Kathryn.
Mm.

And Mittens could really use
a mother figure.

Go on.

She wakes up
meowing in the night --

No, no.
I-I meant about me.

Why is there a cat
in our house?

She's looking
for a new mommy.

I'm in the running.
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

I can't believe
you scored a touchdown

and I wasn't there
to cheer you on.

I'll put my phone in my helmet
for the second half

so it feels like
you're here with me.

Okay, hold on. I just need
to check on my mom.

[ Door creaks ]

♪♪

She's gone!

She must've snuck out
to get goodie bags.

No way.

Ooh, ooh! Dibs on one of those
little parachute guys!

♪♪

I can't believe
my mom snuck out!

Trip: 27, 32, hike!
[ Players grunting ]

Uh-oh,
Mike missed his block.

[ Grunting ]

Ohh.
[ Whistle blows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Ah.
The keys are still here.

But if she didn't take the car,
then how did she...

♪♪

Get out of my way!
I need "doogie" bags!

♪♪

[ Door creaks ]

What's that loser cat guy
doing here?

Rich loser cat guy.

And we are having
a drink.

Yeah, but
what about Grandpa?

Well, Grandpa's home.
Yes.

Your home,
where you live with him.

I thought you guys
were back together.

This isn't right.

Who are you to judge me

when you have that hussy
Gina upstairs?

You know about Gina?

Oh, please.

Oh, my God.

[ Smooching ]

I'm as bad as you.

I've got Brie,
who's great,

and you've got Grandpa,
who's the best,

and we're both about
to ruin this.

Huh. It would appear
that you and I

share some of the same
self-destructive genes.

Yeah. You got that
and my legs,

neither of which
look good on you.

I just don't want
to ruin things with Brie.

Break the cycle.
Don't be like me.

I made some decisions that
really messed up my life.

I mean, not only
did I leave Grandpa,

I left my whole family.

And I came very close

to bringing down
an entire presidency.

[ Scoffs ]
Come on, Grandma.

You have a second chance
with Grandpa.

You don't want to
ruin that.

I don't.

Do I?
No.

Okay. Let's go and tell
Gina and Dan that it's...

time for them to go.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Well, I just hope that Dan

takes it better
than Ronnie did.

I just killed!
[ Laughs ]

Oh, that's a comedy term

that means
a lot of people laughed.

[ Laughs ] Look at this.

I'm already having trouble

communicating
with civilians.

Am I really that terrible?

I m-- I drove you
all the way out here.

I left my family
to support you.

Trying to guilt me.

I love it!

I'm gonna write that down,
put it in my act.

"Left my family.
Professor Wah-Wah."

[ Laughs ] So good.

Sorry
for the short notice,

but I'm gonna have to quit
my job to pursue my dreams.

I'm really gonna miss you,
Professor Otto.
[ Brakes squeal ]

Okay, well,
this is your place.

[ Clears throat ]
It was good knowing you.

Change of plans.

Keep driving.

We're gonna put the past
behind us and never look back.

[ Sighs ]

I'm not gonna do that.

Worth a shot!
[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Panting ]

[ Tires screech ]

Taylor: What do you think
you're doing?!

Pull over!
Heeeellll no!

Seriously, Mom,
pull over!
[ Brakes squeal ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Now get in the car.

Stop trying
to control me!

I am not trying
to control you --

I'm just trying
to keep you safe.

You're not
the boss of me!

You are getting in this car,
and you are going to bed!

I hate you!

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

Oliver, we could just pick up
where we left off.

Oliver: I'm trying
to break the cycle.

What cycle?

The grandma-grandson
love cycle.

You can just tell me
you don't want to see me.

You don't have to make up
all this freaky stuff.

[ Door creaks open ]

[ Door creaking ]

That actually felt
pretty good.

You see?

Now, we have it in us
to be kind, loyal people.

Good news.

Mittens loves
your powder room toilet.

Number one
and number two.

[ Mittens meows softly ]

Your turn.

Dan...

I'm -- I'm sorry, but...

I can't get into
a relationship with you.

I'm seeing someone else.

Oh.

[ Breathes deeply ]

We understand.

Did I mention
I have a lake house?

Goodbye, Dan.

[ Door creaks ]

[ Sighs ]
[ Door creaks shut ]

Who needs money
[Chuckling] when I have...

uh, when I have --

Grandpa.
Grandpa.

♪♪

I'm not mad at you.

[ Mockingly ]
"I'm not mad at you."

I'm just upset with
the choice that you made.

You could've
gotten hurt.

Fine-ah.

Wait.

Is that what I'm like?

I didn't realize
how much work it was

to take care of
another human being.

And you take care of
all of us.

[ Sighs ] I'm really sorry
for being such a jerk.

Can you forgive me?

[ Snores ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

That cold medicine you gave me
finally wore off.

I don't remember anything.

How was the playdate?

Everyone had
the most amazing time.

That is so great!

Thank you for following
all my instructions.

Oh, I chucked that binder
immediately.

What?

They figured it out,
just like I told you they would.

By the way, what movie did you
watch with your friends?

"Sausage Party."

Isn't that R-rated?

Like, super hard
R-rated?

It is. No one else's parents
would ever let them watch it

in a million years.

Mom!

What?
It's a cartoon.

Uh-oh.

Maddy's mom wants to know
why in the world

we'd expose her daughter
to such "explicit trash."

And Samantha's mom says
Samantha won't stop talking

about how she figured out
where baby hot dogs come from.

What were you thinking?

What are you so mad about?

Those girls love Anna-Kat,
Taylor didn't go to Trip's game,

and Oliver got rid of Gina.

You should be thanking me.

Plus, I didn't cheat
on your dad.

I deserve a medal.

Next time I'm sick
and you're not home,

just leave the kids
with the dog.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Groans ] I'm still trying
to flush that pill

that my mom gave me
out of my system.

So, you really don't remember
riding Anna-Kat's bike?

[ Sighs ]
Not even a blur.

[ Dishwasher tray slides ]

Anything else
you might've done?

No. Why?

Huh.

[ Luthor whines ]

♪♪

Huh.

[ Luthor barks softly ]

Well, at least we won't
lose track of him

at the dog park anymore.

[ Barks ]